MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Rich Expert" with Greta Titelman

Episode Date: January 14, 2017

Syd And Marie have a talk with comedian Greta Titelman about being an expert in "The Rich Life'----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

For you, the listeners of Unofficial Expert, podcast Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. To earn $25 of free driving credit, go to joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts to earn free driving credit. Hello. And hello. I don't know what that was. I don't know what that was either, but welcome to the unofficial expert this is week number 972 of the show and we're having a great time right sid yes i'm sydney and i'm marie oh my other the other black girl on the thing anyway so this is a show where we talk to people who think they're smart but we're experts too right sid yeah sydney what were you an expert in this week i was an expert in uh loving myself so a lot of

masturbating this week you know what i tried to masturbate yesterday but i had already put a turtleneck on and pants and i just wait wait hold on wait so you have to be butt ass naked to masturbate butt ass naked also i don't think you love yourself if you wear turtlenecks that's a damn lie listen i live in a turtleneck and i always kill it i make turtlenecks look great but anyway i can't have any clothes on when i'm masturbating it just makes me uncomfortable really not even like a baggy sleep shirt no i can't be in a sleep shirt i can't even have socks on i gotta have my feet free if i want to get the best climax ever i'm trying to figure out what my sock situation is bitch take your socks off before you masturbate girl would i tell you

really yes but anyway i couldn't masturbate because i already put my clothes on um but i've just been moisturizing myself more rubbing myself more just touching just touching my shoulders saying you are the baddest bitch like that's that's does that work is that like your like daily mantra um you know i usually look in the mirror and say i'm conceited i got a reason but you know i just try to love myself and tell myself that i am doing great things does that work it's helping really yeah okay because people have been sending me a lot of links on like visualization and manifestation.

So I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos about really pretty white people that are like, you just have to be really grateful and express gratitude and then you get more stuff. And I'm like, is that how it works? I feel like at this moment in my life

anything that anybody's saying on YouTube, I'm going to take it. Because I want to do better in life. And so I've just been loving myself. You've been giving me a little affirmations you know oh touching my shoulder and saying oh me i've been okay touch my elbow you said you know i'm doing great things as well okay well that's good i'm glad that i can help you but now with loving yourself are you also like eating better yes kale salads and stuff no no let me tell

you what i ate the other day egg white omelets bitch it's 2017 you can't tell me nothing i've never had just egg whites egg whites with spinach feta and tomatoes like look out doesn't that sound rich no i don't like hot tomatoes i don't like warm tomato skin it's basically like marinara no it's not the same thing it's not the same i love tomato sauce but something about a hot soggy tomato can we talk about how i had an egg white omelet and i never do that did you have it on bread nope you just ate it like with a fork i went to the gym as well loving myself oh yes that's right did stairs then got an egg white wait but can you tell the people listening why you did stairs because you wanted to get on the elliptical because maureen faustin maureen davante

samuel faustin told me to to do it and i was like the elliptical is useless my ass is already looking fat thank you yeah yeah she's loving herself by lying to herself anyway so this week what were you i was an expert at going to bed early and by this week i mean just last night i hate you thank you thank you so much that's one of my daily affirmations i have like sydney elizabeth washington hates me god is good um i went to bed early last night like i'm early for me is if the clocks is 12 on it still like 12 something is early i went to bed at 11 59 i was like look at god and i just changed the sheets on the bed and i flipped my mattress pad over so like it felt like a whole new bed i was like is this the w hotel heavenly mattress no now you know

mattress at my house well your sheets is nowhere near the w hotel type at all well no because these sheets are from amazon yeah you know it's like it's like a 12 thread count yes i was like what is your third cow bitch is it like paper mache or not 12 but i have a little bit of lavender oil that i like dripped on the pillowcase wait what so because lavender supposed to help you fall asleep i like patted it into the pillow bitch what you getting ready for i was getting ready to love myself and then my sister's staying with me so my sister's staying with me so she got in the bed with me and i was like well i guess i guess it's just gonna be an early night yo did you get the lavender ready for your sister as well no i didn't put any lavender

on her pillowcase i put it on the two pillows on my side sister sister so this week really i was an expert at uh just getting cock blocked by my sister so you know i'm trusting in god that she gonna get her own place real soon what is wait what is the odds that you go in there, you flip your mattress, you put new sheets on, you put the lavender, everything. You plugged your magic wand in, and your sister just

walks right in, ready to go to bed. She's like, are we ready for bed? I was like, well, well, I was stuttering, my mouth was watering. I was like, let me just go put my retainer back in, and then I went to sleep. Wait, did you have a big sleep shirt on?

I had on a football jersey. oh you was ready to love yourself girl you was ready to think about whoever was on the jersey i don't even know who's on the jersey it was it was free oh my god i can't so anyway that's what i was i mean i don't know what i learned this week except for listen let me tell you so like every day i wake up and i visualize my sister having her own place so that's how i'm getting through the rest of the week oh this is hurting me too much okay sydney since you're you got your breath back are you ready to start the show oh man this is we are on fire right now just marie let's pray let's just oh let's pray that neil gets her own place you putting lavender on

the pillowcase then you about to love yourself oil on the pillow you got you don't do that listen our guest is fancy and white so she probably does she's so fancy she is no she probably has her own room to masturbate it's not even in her own bed it's just a masturbation room yes yeah i'm sure and it has nice nice furniture in there what do you think is in a you know what we'll ask we'll introduce her and then we're gonna ask her yes she's a comedian she is a socialite she is she's a philanthropist i was waiting for that word on you right my tongue got tied but thank you thank you she is everything rich and white give it up for our rich bitch expert greta title man yes clap clap clap clap i'm gonna clap for myself now greta are you a natural blonde

no okay right okay i was i wasn't sure greta do you put lavender oil on your pillowcase okay so here's the thing okay go ahead i have a spray that is it's called um what is it called? It's called like moon tonic or something like that. Touch yourself tonic. Rips it on your pillows and there's some lavender in there for relaxation. Right, right. But I don't have like a masturbation ritual.

So how do you do it? You just however you feel? I get horny during the day. Usually around like And you don't have a day job so you can just masturbate at 2pm. I'm basically a housewife married to myself. Right, right, right.

It's like a 2pm, 3pm 4 p.m i always feel weird loving me in the middle of the day you don't feel weird about that no it's me because she's rich and she's fabulous sydney do you masturbate in the middle of the day um yes in the summertime i was um really no actually okay actually this was not this summer but last summer the construction workers were building a new building across the way on a show oh listen let me tell you i have my legs wide open to the window to the window to the wall just going like ham hammer time with the magic wand it was like y'all going to work on that building and i'm going to work right here did they see you no not they wasn't even they pay

no mind they were looking in a window that maybe i look too dark because she just was like there's a magic wand just holding itself like they're like wow that one really is magic do you guys watch porn when you masturbate no sometimes marie what do you want i don't listen my mom listens to the podcast now so i'm done talking about this uh but no not usually usually it's just i'm trying to go to sleep and it like lulls you to sleep it really does yeah it knocks it knocks a bitch out oh my god you guys don't know the funniest shit that happened to me the other day yes so i'm sitting in my apartment and my manicurist and pedicurist came over in your fabulous apartment that your manicures we went to your apartment it was so nice you made the

person doing your feet also like touch the cat wow wait you get in-house manicures yes wow see that money that's what we that's i'm gonna visualize i feel like we need a cha-ching sound effect let me google one real quick go ahead tell us what i have one on my phone I was like just call me it's my ringtone yeah so my manicurist pedicurist was over and she's adorable

and she like she believes in Jesus Christ as her savior she's very religious whatever Marie my friend is over my friend is over and we're talking about some bullshit and she looked at us and she was like I just want to let you know that I'm

laughing at your laugh my laugh because my laugh is obnoxious not at what you guys are talking about because Jesus would not be happy if I was laughing at what you guys were talking about and I was like okay did you let her go that day? no she stays

kidding me? nobody buffs my toenails like she does you don't care what religion it is what's your pedicure's name? I don't care what's her name? it's kind of a weird name Sheena Sheena

So anyway, I hear this crazy buzzing start happening in my apartment. And I'm like, do you guys hear this buzzing? And they're like, yeah, kind of. And it keeps going and going and going. And 10 minutes pass, and it's still going. And I'm like, I need to find out where the fuck this is coming from. So you kick Sheena in the face, and then you jump up and go paddle to the noise. Yeah, so I flick my wet foot on Sheena's face.

And I'm like, bitch, pause. and I get up and I like hear the noise and I'm getting closer and closer and closer to it and then I hear it's coming from my sister's room and my sister's out of town so I'm like what and I walk in and I go closer and closer

and closer and it's her vibrator her vibrator was going off but she wasn't there turns out she has a wifi connect vibrator to somebody that can go off remotely, and you can set

an alarm clock with that vibrator. Where do you get that? Brookstone? How do I get that? Yeah, wait. Somebody from Texas or something turned the vibrator on? I don't know. So I called her, and I was like, Beach, your vibrator is going off. You were like, I'm not going to touch it to turn it off. I'm like, listen, Beach.

Beach, your vibrator. And then you made Sheena come in and turn it off because you were like, I'm not going to touch that. I started cracking up. I started dying laughing, and she was mortified. She was like, oh, Jesus. Because she was like, oh, like, Lord, Jesus Christ. She pulled the Bible out?

And she was so mortified. And then it went off a second time. And I was like, I can't believe it. Who was trying to get your sister wet at 2 p.m.? Marie, can you get that for me for my birthday? It's coming up. A remote. Okay.

Only if I can turn it on and turn it off myself. No, thank you. I'll be on stage. I'll be on stage doing a set killing. And then I was like, ugh. It's not my Uber. little um my my mom's friend owns a sex toy company and i guess would send her like a box of sex toys and when i was little i used to like love opening packages and my nanny couldn't ever

stop me your nanny you hear that richie yeah we gonna go back to that so your mom used to get vibrators sent to her house and like butt plugs and stuff regularly butt plugs just like nipple clamps just like a lot of vibrators and like dildos but it didn't happen regularly i don't think but i opened up a package and i was like seven years old and i saw this like pink vibrating turtle that i would turn it on a turtle i thought that the point was that you would turn it on it would vibrate and crawl no crawling across that clit okay that turtle is going in so my mom came home from work one night and i was like sit i was like on the in the kitchen with wendy the nanny like playing with this like pink did wendy know it was a vibrator i don't know wendy was like

kind of dumb i was like i was just like wendy was from the philippines so i don't know about that don't try to act like they don't know about what the fuck a vibrator they touch themselves with sticks no but they make don't they make the vibrators in the philippines i don't think they make them into the philippines so greta can we talk about this nanny of yours yes you grew up with how many nannies in your house oh my god well because apparently mariah carey has five nannies for her two twins which is fully insane which makes sense though she couldn't even yes it is because like she can't even sing her songs that are like 30 years old so how songs are not that old one songs are not 30 years old i feel like 20 years old maybe which is pretty much 30

Sidney, excuse me? Spoken like a true 30 year old It was pretty much 30 Which is the same thing as 40 Which is essentially 56 Those songs are BC Yeah, but you got two kids I understand maybe two nannies per child

Or a nanny per kid But five nannies? Like a supervisor nanny? That whole shit was crazy I mean, I love her, but she's I mean, people love her for her mess She's vacant She looked like she was sedated

them prescription well we're talking about something that happened during new year's eve but actually it happens all the time like everyone's like surprised no the saddest part about the new year's eve performance was in the first track when it was like she was supposed to be singing the emotions was the high note i was like mariah you couldn't even fake sing that so we thought we could still hit it she couldn't hear it she said it wasn't she could hear it because her dancers didn't have earpieces in but they were on beat they were like one of the he was trying to he was trying to help her figure out what where they were and she was like no i'm not even gonna she fired all of them i'm sure she did she fired her creative director she's like

you failed me and that's it he like has worked for her for did you hear what well but somebody said that she didn't come to rehearsal and she had a stand-in yes yeah jenny mccarthy said that her stand-in did mic we did sound check and her stand-in got fired as well well i feel well that's terrible well so greta i feel like that seems like something you as a rich person would do like you would have a stand-in do stuff that you would not want to do like definitely when i get to a certain level later on in life like when i'm you know a star in some film we're shooting in a very cold location yes very lively very gwyneth paltrow like that's not going to be me like somebody else is going to block it out and i'll come in i'll take off that big puffer you

know i'll do my scene and then leave i'll like kill it in one take and kill it in one take yeah one take titleman yeah they'll be like they'll be like oh um you know matthew mcconaughey wants to redo and i'm like well tell mcconaughey we can't and then i'll like and then i'll hop on my fucking g5 and i'll be out of there beautiful now do you have a jet now i i personally do not have a jet now, but I definitely... You've been on one. ...have been on jets. On many. On multiple jets.

Okay, but wait. So, you're a rich bitch. You have to tell us how you got into that. How I got into being a rich bitch? Yeah, is it past that? Parents that worked hard. Okay, I'm like, where do I submit my application for next year? Well, no, some people are rich because, you know,

through other things. Which things? Some people can be rich. There are different calibers of being rich. You can meet some people That come from like old ass Family money Like Rockefellers Exactly

Carnegie's That old old Family money Yeah that like blood money money But what's usually those families Are the most fucked Because that money has been in the family For so long and so many people have

Fought over it So they definitely have had slaves Yeah tobacco farmers or whatever Also, people still have slaves. Where? Greta, where you got your slaves hidden? Yeah. Where they at?

Do we need to go? Where do we need to go? Greta's slave's name is Sheena. What if there's like, time's on the ceiling if you want me to? No. No, I don't know, Greta.

Greta, we don't know no slave songs. We don't know what they get out of here. We don't need slave master tunes. Which are rich bitch slave songs. No, I'm saying, if you think that like,

these like rich ass people that have crazy employees that don't like, they're like indentured servants. Pretty much. Yeah. yeah yeah yeah they're not getting paid for that work not to get too political but slavery is like still a thing greta there's always somebody rich saying about talking about slavery i know

you know where we at maybe we should edit that part out no we're leaving that right up no you're great you're listen you wouldn't be here if you were one of those do you oh go ahead let me get back to calibers of wealth okay go ahead so there are like those that old money shit and there's that's a very particular way of dressing and they have very particular like shit that they do yeah like prada pearl necklaces and chanel blazers yeah i would say it's like more chanel it's more pearls it's more these like it's very charlotte york yes and it's very waspy by anglo-saxon protestant you know it's very like a lot of it's like southern then you have nouveau riche which which is like people that are new wealth, if you will,

like people that have accrued wealth later on in life. And those people typically have really poor taste. And have a lot of logos. Like the lady on the Titanic that got along with Jack, the loud one that they didn't really like, do you remember? And they're like, she's new money, Rose. Exactly. Because they don't know how to act.

Exactly. They don't know how to act. Because they're like, I have all this money now, I'm going to be obnoxious, gonna be bossy i'm gonna like oh so like beverly hills like those chicks it's like mcmansions ugly houses yeah yeah people that think like so like rappers no because rappers is like a whole that's not even wealth that's rich yeah that's like i mean if you have like hood money that's like different okay there's hood money there there's hood money yes hood money is like cameron and

like a gucci uh sweater with like a versace silk scarf and he looks terrible yeah and he had like Everything has a logo on it. He had a big Range Rover. Yeah. Like, it's just different. Yeah. It's still money, though. Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me? It's crazy money. Yeah, but that money doesn't go as deep as, say, you know, like even like a Beyonce money. Because Cameron doesn't have $878 million. No. No, Cameron is living in New Jersey. He doesn't even have $800,000. No.

He doesn't have $800,000. There was a time in my life where I was around Cameron, like, every day for three months because my friend used to work for him. Oh, we were just hanging out with him. By hanging out, I was working. He looked like a sloppy puffy mess. Hey, Cam. Hey, kill a Cam.

Don't kill us. I mean, he's a very nice man, though. He is. He's great. He's really sweet. He drinks Hennessy and cranberry together in the same cup. And Malibu. Yes, he did.

He did so much. He did ask for Malibu. He did. I was literally at One Oak with him one night, like, drinking Malibu. I was like, hey, like, cozy. And then, of course, I was like, get me in a pic. Can we have a pic, Cam? And he ordered, he wanted

Chambord, but he didn't say it like that. He said Chambrod or something. He was like, Chambord. Yeah, he said it basically. I was like, we don't have it. He's like, it's a raspberry liqueur or something. I was like, oh, Chambord. Who just drinks Chambord?

First of all, who's drinking Chambord at the club? He's Chambord in Tennessee. He did like a Chambord neat? No, he put a Chambord in the champagne, which is a curio. Okay. So that's what he really wanted, a curio. But he made it a Hennessy Royale. Okay, so you used to hang out with Cam, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Did we go through all the different levels of wealth? All the different levels of wealth. And then you have like, I don't know, and then you have that kind of guy that's like worked really fucking hard as like a doctor, some shit, and just like loves to take his family on vacations. To Mexico. Yeah, like. To Greece.

They have like a timeshare, you know what I mean? Oh, timeshare. Timeshare, and like one in Aspen, one in Turks and Caicos. Oh, okay. those are good ones though maybe like a cabo one might do a cruise here and there exactly then you have like orthodontists are low-key so rich yes no we know yes the people who the braces is yes yeah you make so much fucking money yeah but you're playing in people's funky ass mouths all day yeah that's terrible and so greta where are you at where are you in what level of wealth well

so my parents work their asses off and so did my my grandfather actually has like a really interesting story he came his his family were irish immigrants and when they came to america they initially moved to new york but then they ended up moving to scranton pennsylvania because they couldn't afford it okay they were poor so so pennsylvania is where the poor people are boom got it that's like where you know it's like in that whole west philadelphia born and raised Listen, they're going to write us on that. Scranton is a city about two hours away from here. And it used to be in the 60s, 70s, even in the 50s, it was like a booming coal town.

So everybody got black lung out there. Got it. Yuck. Anyway, so my grandfather, to make a super long story short, he had to drop out of high school when he was 15 and move back to New York and work as an elevator operator in a building. to send money back to his mom and his siblings so that they could live. Because his eldest brother had gone missing.

So he was the one that was in charge of taking care of the family. Did they ever find his eldest brother? No. Damn. My grandfather thinks that he probably ran away and ended up killing himself. Yes. Yeah, but I don't know. You see how Greta chuckled right there? That's a

rich person reaction to death. Oh, you know, they just killed themselves. I was like, little guys just killed themselves. I laugh at death. And they just kill themselves like it's, you know, tragic. But, so he ended up,

when he was in New York, he ended up becoming friends with this guy whose name was Dominic Siracci. And Dominic Siracci's family owned a cigar company. Then they came from Sicily. By cigar family.

Time passes. My grandfather lies about graduating from high school, lies about going to college and becomes a salesman. Good job. You gotta lie to get that money. Rich people.

Hustling. Stay lying. Then he got caught lying. He had to go back to Scranton and like, whatever, work in Scranton because they still wanted to keep him employed

but they were like, you lied to us, just go back to this shithole town. Then World War II happened and he got sent away, fought in World War II for three years, came back,

didn't have work, hit up that guy Dominic Siracci and was like, hey, do you have any jobs, like sales jobs for your cigars? He was like, I'll send you my resume. Dom was like, nah, we don't need it. He was like, I do. Anyway, Dominic's little sister ended up being my grandmother.

Stop it. You get in the family. You got to bang your way to the money. So he ended up marrying Dominic's little sister. And then my grandfather, through time, ended up becoming the president and owner of the entire cigar company. He's in the Tobacco Hall of Fame. Get the F out of here. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

First, we're going to get back to the Tobacco Hall of Fame. But why was Dom not the president of the company? Your grandfather, did he die? Your grandfather killed him? He died. All you got to do is just wait it out. You wait it out, you will get the money. Did he die of natural causes or something suspicious?

I think he had something crazy happen. I think he had, like, a heart palpitation or something like that. Your grandfather killed dumb. Yeah, my grandfather just slit his throat. But no, and then he, like, worked his ass off, and then, you know, that was it. Tobacco Hall of Fame. Where is that located?

Do we know? I have no idea, but I know he did. It don't matter. It sounds awesome. But so he worked his fucking ass off, and then he, you know, really put it into my mom. So my mom said the family grew up very comfortable. Right.

And my dad said the family grew up comfortable, too. Where's his money come from? my dad's family were they were in textiles textiles means they were making clothes for hoes that were selling ass they were making um like they were made what was it called it sounds like it sounds like okay granted let me just tell you what it sounds like it sounds like your mom's side of the family was like tobacco money and your dad's side of family was cotton money they sound like slave owners to me i mean there's cotton and tobacco y'all definitely had a couple of

plantations. Several plantations in Scranton. We still have a tobacco plantation in Kentucky. Really? Tobacco plantation.

Are you ever going to take us? I've never been. I don't know if I want to go. You should take us. Let's take us and then we'll

like rob you when we're in Kentucky. We're going to try to chop a tree down and be like, Cindy, we're rich. We're a rich bitch. But then both of my parents

tried to like rectify all of that shit and they started working in politics. That doesn't, I feel like that sounds worse. No, but they want

to fix it. He became a lawyer and then started, like, lobbying and shit like that, which sounds awful. Yes. Does he do pro bono work? He works. She's like, then we wouldn't be rich. He worked on, like, the federal level.

Okay. I don't really know. And then he worked really hard, and then my mom worked really fucking hard. My mom was a boss. My mom worked her little tush off. And my mom set us up, you know, my mom died. Literally, all you need to do is wait for someone to die. You got to just wait it out.

Right, right. When my mom died, then, you know, then I started getting at-home manicures. Now, so you inherited money. And when that happened, like, are you part of, like, a trust? Yeah, like, how does that work? So, when someone dies, and if they leave, if they have, like, an estate. But, like, here's. What does an estate mean?

That sounds very fancy. It sounds super fancy. Yeah, explain what an estate is. All of us will die, like, with an estate. An estate just means anything that you own. oh okay so you'll have my sheets that are like a 200 thread magic wand and my magic wand okay well when i die my estate will consist of my lavender oil and my betta fish those are the two things that i own motown junior so yeah like you're left with them what you you are left with their estate

according to their will so like my mom structured her will so that there was an executor of her estate so though that would be for me it was my aunt and uncle so my mom died i was 21 and she knew my fucking crazy ass she was like i'm not giving her access to all this shit yeah she's gonna buy she's gonna buy coke put it up her nose and light a house on fire why is that why is when people get money the first thing they go to is clothes and drugs i don't think that's where i would go no you you're not rich bitch i'm talking about i'm saying if i was rich i don't think that i would get cocaine and well i don't know maybe this thing is like when i think about it like if If I were to, like, I still don't have access to it.

I won't have access to it until I'm 35. Wow. So, Greta, you're a good, what? A good, like, how old are you? So, Greta, you're going to get this money in, what, five to six years? No, bitch, I am younger than that. I'm going to get this money in eight years. So, we got to wait until eight years to get this money, Greta?

No, you got to wait until eight years to marry me and kill me. Greta, you like black queens? Yeah. We on the team. you have to wait eight years you guys can both marry me

and murder me and then no one of us will marry you the other one will kill you and then we'll split the money

and then we'll fight over each other and I'll try to get Marie killed and then there you go and then at the same time I'm going to be setting up to get Sydney killed

no one's going to get the money and then you know Sydney's going to be on the beach with Cameron drinking shampoo and fucking yeah so

they set up a trust and my mom was like she can't have this money I don't know why do like rich people always when they get access to money do cocaine

and whatever because they're not raised right that's why you think it's a way you think you think it's that were you raised right raised right for sure but you still landed in cocaineville yes yeah i you know i just you want to live the fast life fast life you want to have fun you want to share like when you have money you go to parties you meet other people right but i think yeah when you well here's the thing when you go to parties with rich people they fucking always have cocaine yes they do there's a point in my life where no matter what party i went to every person had cocaine let me tell you i went to a dinner party was not there was no food there dinner party straight plates of cocaine the nicest china cocaine mirrors everywhere cocaine on the

so are you supposed to eat before you go to these no you don't eat do you want to know why i think it is i think in like white rich culture everyone is so emotionally fucking oppressed repressed everything like you're raised to be like don't show emotion don't talk about it don't have feelings really because i see rich people crying all the time yeah because they're all fucking breaking down because they're realizing their time is done yeah or their money their trust is out okay when i went to that when i went to boarding school briefly before i had an emotional breakdown okay we were like cutting up lines of fucking like vicodin and snorting them i was like 14 years old. I didn't even know what a

Vicodin was until I was like 25. That's what I'm saying. I think a lot of people that are raised with a ton of money also are like neglected children. I was raised by an army of nannies. How many nannies? I mean I had a lot throughout time.

Like I had a lot of au pairs. What's the difference between a nanny and an au pair? A nanny is somewhat, well they're both like the same job but an au pair is from another country. An au pair is like a professional nanny. An au pair usually will like So they got a degree

in taking care of other people's kids? No, it's like a program you can go through. So like I had an Irish au pair, a French au pair, an Italian au pair,

Daniela who I loved so much and my favorite Heijani, she was Brazilian. Heijani. Heijani sounded like she was banging your dad. Heijani was Brazilian?

Yeah, Heijani was so hot. I like that. She was banging your dad. I think I'm gonna name my kid Heijani. Heijani. It's cute. Heijani.

And then I had like a babysitter also named Melanie. In addition to the au pair? like at the same time sometimes but your parents were working a lot so that's why you had all the time my parents worked all of the time to be a stay-at-home mom i feel like you have to take away a lot you have to give up a lot and i feel like nowadays women want to make money like we want to get out there yeah all of my mom wanted to do is get fucking paper yeah yeah your mom was

doing it right she was gathering those coins yeah she was but it's hard because like it's there's you're just like not supervised yeah i don't know i mean you live in like a big ass house and you have like when i was in high school i went to high school with this kid who literally lived in a huge fucking mansion like massive the size of a city block like a whole city block he had cannons in his front yard and he had like two fucking great danes that were a motherfucking cannon where was i want a family's money from do you know i'm not really sure but like his dad was never around and his mom was like i'm the cool mom yo i want a cannon she was the mom from mean girls literally she was like here's a hand i gotta do to get a cannon have fun and he had this whole wing of

his house where you would walk into his bedroom and it would be his bedroom and he also had like a living room and he had a fucking tiki bar in his room how old was oh like 15 16 he got it at his bar probably and he used we used to go there and get ripped what was this guy's name was his first name his first name was matt marie on facebook no i'm assuming matt died in 2008 how did matt die like a parachuting jet accident a jet ski hit a shark and then fell into a volcano he died like a rich man death i mean rich dudes are into the most whack shit they really are burning man now i'm like i can't listen i got a burning man with a rich dude because i don't have to pay for anything i would say this before i said the recording like you know for me opposites

attract i only like poor dudes rich guys want to do anal on the first date and i don't get down with that first of all sir you bought me a zara dress no zara dresses do not equal anal yes you wearing creed you wearing creed cologne you can't afford a better dress for me oh maybe i'll think about anal when you give me some Prada. Okay, Escada. Or something I could work with. Zada? Sydney, we're not here to air out your issues with

anal. Listen, I was in his apartment. It was pre-war. Everything was dusty as fuck and he talking about so anal. No. He just said so anal like that? So anal. So anal? He was Italian. So dot dot dot anal? He was Italian and he was like so

anal. Well, you know Europeans love butt stuff. I was like, sir, we didn't even make out yet no see like italian a guy from italy does not count as like a rich white dude turn around i know i know you're a black woman so i won't touch your hair even literally say that i'll be like i know i know that since you're a black woman uh you might not be used to my weird patchy white dick wait so if you don't get ashton out of here with that bullshit wait so greta what kind of men like what is dating like for you as a rich uh socialite here in new york city i mean i have gone on some whack ass dates with some whack ass dudes but i've never

been attracted to like uh hi my name is cliff 30 i work with cliff oh you're not here oh my god i did date a guy once though or like went on a few dates with a guy who all that he would talk to me about was the properties that he was able to go to over the summer. He was like, yeah, and then we can go to my buddy Greg's house in Amaganzit. Amaganzit. And after that, we can go and play golf

and sag. Yo, that would dry my pussy up so hard. I'm dry right now. I feel like when you go on dates with dudes, they're like, I'm going to take you to the John Darien Oyster House. Marie, let me get that lavender oil for you. You said you dry? Let me get you some lavender oil. Let me tell you something. I had a dude... I was just like, oh my god, I've never

eaten steak before now no i didn't know life without you i feel like the men who say stuff like that be having the least amount of money or the baby sticks they have the tiniest sticks you want to hear i i was seeing this guy who is in charge of a very big company and coca-cola yeah nestle johnson and johnson yeah johnson johnson and i don't know if you've heard of this company disney look at you plug in disney he's in charge of disney go ahead girl seeing this guy and we met um through a friend one night in la and we were having drinks and he was like he was like you're so amazing you have such a personality you have so much to say and i'm like yeah you say you basically say you talk too much yeah he's like you need to shut

She said, you a talking ass white bitch. Get out of my face. Then we hooked up this night. We had sex. On the first night, Greta? Yeah, bitch. I don't care. You giving up that good cat on the first night?

Greta, you giving up that vintage 1988 pussy? That Chanel poom poom? Welcome to the world of a white girl. You giving up that Prada Escada poom poom? How dare you? I'm literally like, oh, you're talking to me like my dad? Yeah, we can fuck. we had sex was it good or was he one of those lay there and let you do the work types

it was good i was drunk did he did he keep his ralph lauren blazer on honestly his sport his sport jacket he wore like sport coat he wore like james purse like sweatsuits okay james purse is cute and the fabric is let me google james purse now because i ain't got expensive it's really that's like that low-key i like that you know that like you're trying to be like not flashy rich i mean you can get it at buffalo exchange but that's not that's not here but so whatever the next morning he had to get on a flight and i wake up in his hotel room he's this beautiful hotel and he like leaves me a note he's like get anything you want stay as long as you want listen no listen you're not gonna listen first of all i threw you this good quality

like savings and check-ins pussy i have a trust fund and you're gonna write me a note no whatever you want i'm or wait no was this at his house no we were at a hotel oh i'm ordering everything you couldn't kiss me on my forehead and wake me up wake me up she was drunk five in the morning i really didn't care i was like bye bye bitch um i'm saying i'm going to order 110 ten dollars worth of room service that's that's what i would order stuff for my house i'm like so i need like 12 rolls of toilet paper like can we get this all sent to the house hotel bedding yeah you can i want all of that ah damn i would have bought a bare head let me tell you so then then i did not think i was gonna see this guy for like a while he found out i was flying to

Chicago to go to my friend's art opening, and he was like, oh. Do you see this? Only a rich white woman named Greta would fly to another state for an art opening. Okay, but he was like, oh, you're going to Chicago? And I was like, yeah. He's like, I'll meet you there.

And I'm like, okay. He's like, I got us a room at the Soho house. Oh, of course he did. And I was like, okay. But then it became annoying because I was like, I can get my own room and I can pay for my own food. Is that what's annoying to you? No. sometimes they treat you like you can't

provide for yourself like you can't walk and chew gum at the same time I understand that but I like when people treat me like I'm dumb just because they want to pay for it there were a lot of good perks to that he's so nice, great guy but for some reason I just couldn't do it

he also asked me to not have sex with other people and we lived in different cities and I was like you know he was banging everybody who had blonde hair he's hot and rich and a guy of course i went to a nfl draft week whatever year it was with a homegirl and she ended up hooking up with a football player and we had all gone back to the w hotel and uh we're all in the

room i don't remember the name of the football player that she she banged but we were hanging out with adrian peterson and that's because that's the only name that i remember adrian peterson and i just remember him being really annoying and it was like new ish money because we jumped a limo from the club and i was like i didn't even know people still did a limo escalate what no it was a limo and tahoe it was a limo and we get back to his hotel room and it's like me and like two other girls and like i'm like well i'm not trying to hook up with nobody i just want to go to sleep but i had just started wearing contacts so i didn't want to go to sleep with the contacts in my eyes so i just i was just up for like hours with my eyes open looking all drugged out and

then adrian and all his boys wanted to they were leaving and they're like stay as long as you want to stay order whatever you want and i went through that menu and legit ordered everything that i wanted like stuff that i didn't even want to eat like i don't know what the bill was but when the guy came i left him like a 200 tip he was like thank you so much mrs peterson i was like buy your wife something nice i went to uh i went on a date with an art dealer like one of the biggest our dealers in New York City and we went to this restaurant. You must have gone on better rich people days than I have.

No, but I was real basic. I was coming in with an American Apparel onesie. I had Steve Maddens on and the heels were run the fuck down. You can hear me when I was walking. You can hear the metal part.

The leather was peeling off the back. The leather was peeling off. That pad is gone. They were leaked. they were like yo let's do a prayer circle for her steve madden's they are she had lean with it rock with its own yo i went on i was so regular like he was ordering like that what do you call that oyster tower or that seafood tower i bet you don't know about no oysters no and like i i was like so right i was just like these are west coast kumamoto i was like what kumamoto's like

These are from Huntington Bay. An action character. Like, what is a Kobamoto? These are Fisherman Cup oysters from Montauk. I don't like oysters. He had so much money. And the thing is that he had so much money that I didn't even know how to act. Because when I went to his house, he had, like, a real Basquiat in his foyer.

I think they just say foyer. Nah, nigga. I was saying foyer when I was in there. And the foyer was so long. And he had another. He had, like, an Andy Warhol next to his Basquiat. Did you drug him and rob him and leave? I was like, did you immediately turn around and give him some butt?

I should have given him some head, but I text a friend. I said, can you let me know if this is real? And I sent her a picture of the Andy Warhol, and she said, yes. And I asked him, I was like, is this yours? He said, yeah, I own that. I was like. Wait, you were in his house, and then you asked him if it was his? Yeah.

Because you. well no no no because some of them you can like they circulate you can have some shit in the house that you're holding and blah blah blah see Greta poor bitches don't know about that life

Sydney you poorer than me my dad's grandparents were huge art collectors but that's a story for a different time Sydney so Greta can you just stroll us in the day of the life of a rich bitch

What's a day in the life of Greta? You get up around what time? You know, I know some people that act crazy. That you should, I mean, some other rich bitches that are like next level. You're trying to let people know that you're not that bad. Here you go, bring in this intro. Let people know that mine is grounded. Okay, well go ahead and tell us what a grounded rich white woman does.

You wake up around what time? So, I just want you all to know, I'm going to preface this by saying that I'm really chasing my dreams right now. And I'm really focusing on working super fucking hard and just like getting that paper. okay so and by that what do you mean so you get up around two no no i'm an early riser because as a white woman i struggle with a lot of anxiety um so i wake up typically around seven and i lay in my bed for a moment and i um you know just think i just think about you meditate on uh how much uh cashmere you got in your closet i just think about you know the cashmere the pearls What do you sleep in?

What's your pajama game like? Yeah, what's that? What La Perla beliefs you got on? I unfortunately sleep in... Old Chanel sweats. I sleep in one of two things. I either wear a pajama set. I really like this brand called Sleepy Jones.

Okay. They make beautiful silk pajamas, cotton pajamas. I have a long pant, long sleeve silk blouse that I love. So your pajamas are dry clean only? Those ones are, yeah. and then I have another cotton more lightweight summer situation shorts button down very cute my boyfriend hates that I wear a button down he's like how the fuck am I supposed to take this off and I'm like don't rip it that's that's not a button if you want to pop this shit off um yes

I wear a button you know and whatever and like is it a sexy like secretary button down or it's just like a regular button down it sounds like a comfortable it's like cute I'll go home and I'll take like is it a kim kim basinger uh type down like nine and a half weeks or is this just like oh you should really just go to work lane bryant you know duster shut up there's like feathers on the 27 buttons down the front it's very share from clueless exactly no it's cute i think it's cute well your man doesn't think it's cute it's like this is my boyfriend's

reject shirt you know that's how but it's not his though he's rejecting it on you so I either do that or I'll wear like a camisole there it is there it is

so we know what you look like when you're sleeping but when you wake up and lay there and then I decide around 8 o'clock that it's time for me to take my dog for a little spin so that I can get my coffee. 8 a.m. Yes. So I, you know, put on a little,

usually my exercise clothes. Are you going to the gym? Not at that very moment. No, you're not. But my next step will be the gym. So you're throwing on your Stella McCartney workout gear. Yes. Are you wearing DKNY active?

I like to be low profile. So Ivy Park. Uh-huh. Alexandra Wang at leisure. I'm wearing a plain black Lululemon or Nike. no ivy bug no she's like hell no i'm wearing like a band t you know because matching athleisure is played out yes okay yes the top don't need to match the bottom like uh if you're wearing matching athleisure it's like you make 60k a year bitch and that's it oh come through rich

bitch you know it's like that's it wow i was like that's a lot i'm like 60 whole k for the year No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, are they hiring? Don't listen to Marie. She don't know nothing. 60 whole pounds. Marie's like, where can I find them and murder them? I'm like, that sounds like a trust.

Sounds like Vanderbilt money to me. Oh, my God. And then I go and get my coffee, and then I come back home. And then usually this is around like 8.30. I'll feed my dog. I'll read the paper. Are you a New York Times or like a Wall Street Journal? I'm a New York Times gal.

Wow, okay. And then I'll also, like, do a little... Do you have a subscription? I do, boo. Hello. She's not stealing anybody's mail in her building. I go to hotels, and they be having them in the lobby. You just grab one.

I have a subscription on my phone for digital during the week, and then I have the weekend because I need to do the crosswalk. You got a lot of Wi-Fi and data. Okay, keep going. A lot of data. Burning through that data. But, you know, I'm a businesswoman, so my dad still pays for my data, so there's that. Do you do anything for dinner?

like what does dinner look like dinner you're going to galas you're going to art shows yeah you're going to you're going to charities morning yet well because we got to get through because we got to quiz you fast forward then hold on then i go to my trainer that's very important that's every day i go no i don't go to him every day i go to him three days a week and then the other the off days i will either go for a run and i'll tell this to you guys because i already sound like a fucking obnoxious piece of shit. As long as you know. I will go to a SoulCycle.

I'm telling you, her sister is a trainer. You should get on it. Her sister is off the chain. If you want arms like Marie. Where does she train? Equinox. Equinox,

but she could probably do a private session somewhere. She'll do a, are you a member? Yeah. Oh, yes. You gotta go see her. She looks like me

except her arms are bigger than mine. Yeah, her body is ridiculous. Damn, I wanna go. Yeah. She will work you out, though. You can't be coming there talking about your pumpkin latte spice, your dog and shit.

Pumpkin latte spice, please. Greta's like, it is not even fall. I'm like, I order a cortado, okay? Cortado sounds fancy to me. You can't come in there with a sneaker, UGG boot. You got to really do some workout. I'm going to come in there

with my Tom Ford glasses on. I haven't put in my contacts yet. Dinner. Dinner, I'll go out. I go out for dinner every night. I see you. You don't cook? You know...

You won't, like, steam a broccoli or something? I love cooking. I just love a clean kitchen. You made tea for us and it was quite nice. I was like... I mean, tea is literally

just hot water. I know, but it felt like a baked potato. I was like, this is very nice. Sydney's not used to nice things. I'm a good cook. I'm a great baker.

What's your specialty? I'm really good at making cookies and pies. Girl. I swear. From scratch? Greta, we're going to have to ask Sheena, your pedicurist,

about this because I don't know if I believe that you'd be baking. We're going to come over for these cookies. Come over. every night? Pretty much. Your cholesterol must be high

in F then. She just had like greens. Like I don't know. No, cholesterol is all the way up. I'm all the way up. Look at you, Greta, fitting right in with us bro-cos.

Greta was like, well, what are the black kids saying now? All the way up? I'm like, I want a dab. I want a dab. Did you see the video of the guy who was getting sworn in, the representative. Yes, and the son dabbed.

And his son dabbed. That was terrible. And Paul Ryan was like, are you sneezing? And he was like... I'm like, but I'm still learning how to dougie. Oh my God. Greta, this is a perfect place to pause

and let you know that we're getting ready to quiz you to see... Yeah, we've got to quiz you. If you truly are the expert in all things. And a rich bitch. I am the expert. Are you ready for this first question? Oh wait, really quickly,

I would just like to classify myself. I would say in terms of like where I fit in in the caliber of wealth, i'm like very chic and grounded because the money is like old she don't want nobody to come in and rob her so we got you well don't come for me don't come for her she did not send a car for you well the thing about you though greta and this we talked about it before we started is that like you think that people can't tell that you got money but sydney and i picked up on that right away right away we i gotta keep a very low profile i could smell you and i was like it's not she's

not wearing a chanel chance she's wearing like a real she's not wearing a chanel chance oh chanel chance that's not on mark jacobs jay-z or she got it you can't even wear creed now creed is played out everybody's with our bond not virgin island water yeah everybody's literally like even all the rich scents people are trying to pick up on it it's like no what's your what do you wear perfume I do. What's your go-to? I wear this. Like, you're like everyday scent.

Such an embarrassing perfume. Say it. It's called Gypsy Water. Terrible. And it's by Byredo, which is an amazing brand. Okay. Well, we're going to go to Sephora. I don't even know if they have that.

It's not at Sephora. Exactly. I got to go to Sephora? Nope. It's at Barney's or it's at their, they have a store now, I think, on Green Street or Worcester. Well, me and Marie are going to go. We're going to go to Samples. It's amazing.

I'm going to spray my hair so that I smell like that for like a month. I've been wearing it I've been wearing it for like seven years now is that your like go-to scent do you have like a

oh you don't have like a like a trying to turn my man on scent for like a little bit I would switch to this Hermes scent that I would wear

in the summer time the green one yes oh Marie okay Shadi hey Marie listen I'd be in Sephora

playing with the samples I'm like can I have seven sample bottles of this I'm not paying $125 for .2 ounces No it's more than $125

Listen It'll be like All the Tom Ford cents Are almost like $200 The little Tom Fords Are $125 If you guys Like Tom Ford cents

One of my very good Friends named Listen don't be saying This on the podcast Because then everybody Is going to try to be Your friend We want the hook up

Only us Off the air Yeah off the air We're not trying to Help everybody In the community Okay If you want to hear

What else Greta has to say You got to follow her On her social media You got to listen to her podcast you know what i want i've been wanting to do like a uh an exaggerated rich bitch character you should you got it i feel like you'd be good at that you'd be amazing really good at it which is why i don't do it because i'm like oh i'm doing this and this is actually just me no it would be like joanne the scammer but like for real your version of that yeah i think you

should do it greta i'm down with it maybe i'll do it later today so these questions let's hit them real quick number one greta yes a cop stops you on the street what's the first thing you say to prove your wealth? To prove my wealth? Mm-hmm. To the cop. Oh, I'll just say, oh, I'm sorry,

you must have made a mistake. That's amazing. Yeah, that's what I'd say. That's it! Marie, let's try that. Oh, you, you, you must have made a mistake. People are like,

nah, nigga, it was you. Nah, nigga, it was you. Your taillight's broken. I'd be like, hands up, don't shoot. No, but that'd be like, oh, your taillight's broken and I would just say,

oh, oh, it is? And he'd say, yeah, and I'd be like, say, damn it, Shannon was supposed to get that fixed last week. I am so sorry. No, not even. He'll be like, your taillight's broken. I'll be like, but I'm walking. And he'll be like, yeah.

Whatever. You owe us money. You're going to jail. You talking to me? You sassing me, black girl? You must have made a mistake. Sydney, question number dos. What are stocks and bonds? Oh. Okay. Yeah, we're asking for a

friend. Yeah. So we get to get our lives together what is a bond i believe well stocks are you can like own shares in publicly traded companies yes they have stuff you're right right what's a bond a bond is a you can also own you can have a bond for specific things yes you can like you can have like um say you're working with like natural gas for example you can have bonds with companies and you can trade them like i know there's like convertible bond trading for example yes but i'm talking about a bond that's like a sheet of paper yeah yeah it's a bond okay literal like you can have like well for example like you

can have a savings bond yes my family had those so we got we were doing okay oh they must be pretty easy to get when you buy a savings bond like i could buy one for you right now and it grows actually just found a whole stash of my savings bonds from when i was born yo yeah greta do you know how much money you got right now i know but but you need to let it appreciate yes because if you cash it in so it's like 30 years so you can go to the bank right now and say i want to buy a $100 savings bond and it'll cost you like $50 right because by the time it will actually be worth a hundred dollars it takes like 30 years to grow and get to that point usually yeah people buy it when you're a baby yeah they usually buy bonds for babies that's an old school thing that

is because my grandfather would give me bonds for your birthday so am i a rich bitch too okay i have one more question for you i'm like what what is the best way to clean makeup out of silk i mean throw it away throw it away i'm like honestly i'm like it depends on how bad it is if it's if it's red lipstick what color is the silk uh what color does silk normally come white like cream like a cream silk okay well if it's a cream silk and you got red lipstick you can do one of two things okay you can go to this incredible dry cleaner jeeves uptown oh i heard that jeeves is good yes or just throw it away and buy a new one

oh damn no okay donate it and you know what get just donate just donate it so i can buy it at buffalo don't donate it at buffalo exchange they shady as fuck okay i went in there i brought them some lupitines and they was like uh yeah those are a little worn i said but they get red bottom bitch you got aldo's in here you can't take you can't take my red bottoms no i was so mad they like zara and top shop at buffalo's chain here's the thing or you can just make someone's day and give it to your cleaning lady damn i ain't got one of those if that ain't a rich response i don't know what is wait i have one more question one more question your cleaning lady i don't have me and marie we gotta clean ourselves my cleaning lady name is marie so marie sam yeah um last

question um so if you have a house and you have um a couple rooms there's um a living room there's some bedrooms uh there's a kitchen a couple bathrooms yes and we know how houses work what do you call this room that's uh not a living room but it's like the entertainment area where like people come and have like a cocktail yeah yeah yeah or like watch tv My house is like that. No, no, no, no, no. There are not TVs in those rooms. Well, what is it?

Well, I believe you're talking about a parlor. I was talking about a den. If you want to call it that, your parlor is my den. Well, no, there's a TV and a den, but a parlor. There are no TVs in these. No, no, no, no, no. You come to the entertainment. You're not going to the family room.

Oh, the family room is the white people. is the rich people den. Nice. And you know what's sad about that? It's a family room, and the family is never in it all at once. Exactly. That's why it's clean as hell.

In a traditional white people home, everybody hates each other, and no one hangs out. Well, that's good, because we hate you guys, too. Boom. But we love you, Greta. You truly are.

You are so funny. We actually have grown to become, like, really good friends. I know. Like, I text you and call you. Can you believe it? Greta's like, I have a black friend.

We went to your apartment. I'm going to go and hang with my black friends they're really cool and people are like oh my god bring Magda no you'll be like I'm hanging out with Sydney Washington and you'll be like that's your black friend she's just a person she don't count

they'll be like well Marie be there okay okay you got some points now that's one and a half blacks Greta where can people find you like what is your social media they can find me in the club they can find me in the club

with Malibu no they can find me on Instagram at Gertie Bird G-E-R-T-I-E-B-I-R-D they can also listen to my podcast yes your podcast

which you guys were on we had a blast called Lady Lovin it's on iTunes you can also when how often is your

show at the Jane come to my show I have I host a show the second Wednesday of every month at the Jane Hotel It's such a good show

It's very fun And otherwise Just hang out in Soho bitch And you'll see me You might see her at Jeeves Uptown Or the coffee place on Worcester You might see me at Barney's Uptown You might see me at Chelsea

You might see me eating lunch at St. Ambrose On Lafayette Prince Barney's Uptown sounds like a dude I used to fuck Barney's Uptown No that's Barney's in the Bronx Greta always a pleasure you have been so great we love you so much you guys keep listening to the podcast keep reviewing and subscribing and following us on social media i am breezy on instagram r-e-e-e-z-y

and sydney is just sid s-y-d-b-w yay all right guys stay smart thank you the listeners of the unofficial expert podcast zipcar is offering 25 of free driving credit at zipcar.com So to earn that $25 of free driving credit, go to joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts to earn free driving credit.