MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Southern Hospitality Expert" with Alzo Slade

Episode Date: October 28, 2016

Sydnee & Marie head down south on a new episode of The Unofficial Expert and talk with The Southern Hospitality aka Comedian Alzo Slade.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

For you, the listeners of Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. To earn $25 of free driving credit, go to JoinZipcar.com slash Unofficial Experts. Again, that's JoinZipcar.com slash Unofficial Experts to earn free driving credit. Hello. Hey. Oh my goodness. I'm Sydney Washington. I'm Marie. You still don't need to know my last name.

Listen, I need people to know it's Sydney, Washington. It's together. You know what I'm saying? Mm-mm. I'm just Marie Cher or Beyonce or Madonna or Prince. In your world. I'm not saying. I mean, Marie's a pretty plain name.

If I can get people to know my name and not call me Maria or Mary for one day, then I know I've accomplished something. That's true. Get the Marie first, and then you can work your way up to my last name. stop telling people my business anyway this is the unofficial expert well we are smarter than every single person who's listening to this podcast right now well we think we're smarter than no i know sydney she's not sure she's not sure she didn't graduate yet in everything that i know hush your mouth sydney what were you an expert in this week getting my girlfriend not

to break up with me how do you how does one do that first you gotta cry wait does she cry or you cry no i gotta cry well you always crying about something i am but you know what i think she saw my tears and saw how sincere they were what yeah i feel like if you cry all the time doesn't that just fall off your like doesn't that like just no i was i was dehydrated so so you almost died i had no tear ducts you know tear ducts was all fucked up so i had to like touch him with some saliva hit the corners what is wrong with you I had to hit the corner so it could start it up.

She really believed that those were... I had to get the engine moving. She really believed that those were real tears. They were real tears. What? No.

And we talked for a long time and I just was like, please don't leave me. Please. I need you. This is terrible. This week,

I was at an... I was an expert. Oh, that's all you're going to cut? You're going to cut my whole story off? Oh, is there more story? Because it sounds really sad. She in Detroit right now.

Hey. That's actually even sadder. Why? That's worse than the tears. Detroit? Girl. Detroit. I'm out all night tonight.

She's gone till Monday. Oh, okay. Well, yes. Okay. Let's party. Party. Let's party. Let's party for free, though.

You know, I ain't got no coin. That's true. Okay. And what were you an expert this week? This week, I was an expert at getting to the train station just as my train was leaving every single time. Like, I was an expert at, oh, man. But you always check the time schedule.

I do, but I check it, and then I know what time the train's coming, and I'm like, it don't ever come really on time, Tom. So I get down the stairs. That's the Metro North, actually. I've never, why would I know anything about the Metro North? I know that, like, I can shove my foot in the door, and it'll probably open the rest of the way for my body to fit. But, like, I've been so late that I can't even, like, catch the door closing.

Why would you put your damn foot in the train? Don't be one of those foolish people. What are you talking about? When you want to stop a train from moving, you put your foot in the door and the door opens back up. You do not do this. Sydney, you don't know the train like I know the train, okay? Okay.

Although somebody did shove their foot in the door earlier this year and they got dragged to death, so maybe you're right. I know I'm right. And you got the hair, too? I didn't say I was shoving my hair in the train. Your hair and your foot? No way. Just my feet, just like my foot.

Just pow, pow. I saw a dude throw a paper bag in the door yesterday. I was like, sir, it will take the bag. Was it Trader Joe's? Because those are some sturdy ass. It was a J. Crew bag. Pretty sturdy. So it was a white man.

I was like, sir, you don't even know how to take the train properly in New York. Go back to your car service. Am I okay? Anyway, Sydney and I are the host of the Warm Up Month Comedy Show. Yes, we are. Second Saturday of the month. And now we're doing this dope ass podcast with people who are really smart at something. Yeah.

And this guy just did our show. He just so happened to be there because, you know, he just wanted to see us. Can you blame him? He killed it. And he's a great comedian. He's a professor. And he's a photographer. He got the slashes.

Slash, slash, slash, slash, slash, slash. Give it up for Elzo Slade. What's up, man? What would it be like? That voice right there. Girl was not ready for that. Elzo. Chilling.

you are an expert at this voice right here I had this voice since I was like eight that's scary you were an eight year old that sounded like this

nah nah nah like in middle school though I couldn't whisper I'd be like when you see my dick what when you see my dick but then I was like this

when you see my dick oh no they were like ew who dad is in here so Alzo Slade yep is our southern hospitality expert. Really, it just means he's from the south,

and we go ask him questions about the south. And growing up there and all the fun things that happen. I'm from the dirty south. What's the difference between the south and the dirty south? Like, the dirty south is Mississippi, Georgia, North Florida, Houston, and then there's the dusty south. That's like...

That's like Virginia and then, like, above the... Mason-Dixon? You so rude. Don't be so rude. I'm just saying. I want some listeners from Virginia. No, I got respect for Virginia. I like Virginia and Maryland.

I like the DMV. It's proper. But they not the dirty South. They're a little dusty. So they're like Queens. Here. Queens is the dusty borough. He didn't even get that you were talking about Queens, the other borough.

No, I did. I did. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Yo, don't patronize me. The professorial words. Is that a word? Oh, my God.

Yes, it is. So, Alzo, where are you from? I was born in Jackson, Mississippi and raised between Tallahassee, Florida, and Houston and Austin, Texas. Tallahassee, Florida. And my pop's from Alabama. Where in Alabama? Like, Long Island?

Like, no, he's from Lisman, Alabama, where there's no stoplights. Like, they just paved the roads about 30 seconds ago. And if I went there and tried to date any woman, they'd be like, no. That's your cousin's boy. Oh. Oh. Like a small town like that? Small.

No, thank you. No, thank you. Population 13. Wait, but how much does it cost to live there? About $5 a year. A year. I think I'm going to get my bags and go. And that includes internet.

But I feel like the internet is slow down there. Nah, nah. You said the Wi-Fi is fast? You guys don't have Fios? What? Y'all got Fios? Ain't nothing standing in the way. Like, satellites got direct link to that.

No buildings, no nothing. Oh, okay. Maybe. That kind of makes sense then. Wow. Okay. So, you started, how long were you in Mississippi? About six years.

And then you went to Tallahassee? Nope. Then I went to Austin, Texas. Then I went to Tallahassee. Then I went to Houston. Wait. So, tell me what's going on with your living situation. Why are you moving around all over the place?

Yeah, you're on the run from who? My mom was going to school getting advanced degrees Oh, there it is She had her PhD in accounting There it, I love hearing that That's good to know So she was selling drugs She was going to all these states

Because she wasn't paying her student loans or something Like how, why all these states? Hold up, hold up Let me tell you something about Let me tell you something about being from the dirty south When you start talking about folk mama That's when you get That's when it's grounds for a grade A ass whooping

So you can go ahead and stop recording right now So I can handle some quick business and then we could get back on the air. Let me tell you what's not going to happen on this here podcast. What's not going to happen? You ain't going to talk about my mama. I'm talking about your mom and her school loans. She had a master's degree, then a PhD,

and then she got hired to teach in Tallahassee, and then after Tallahassee I went to school. Now, before we go any further, can you tell us what's happening with your collar right now? Your collar is going... It looks like it's super... Why is it two collars? Okay, hold on.

We going to talk? That's what we're doing? That's what we're doing? We're just chatting. Let me ask, what is your hair doing right now? And what is this Ayanna Vazant head wrap that's going on on your head doing right now? See it?

If that's what we're doing. I didn't know I was walking into intervention. I just want to describe it real quick. It's a distressed collar at the top. You mean the collar is stressed. But it's a button down. Hold up. We're going to have to catch a photo of this.

Let our viewers watch. Marie's hair is distressed. That shit needs some lotion. Oh, no. It's actually a coconut oil in a can to leave in condition. That's what it needs. Maybe a little bit of water. and that's it.

Okay, Southern guy. We're going to get back on track. Because it sounds like he wants to bring the guns out now. Hold up. You're going to blame me? Y'all brought the guns out first. You brought that shirt out. You couldn't switch it up for us?

You're going to put on a V-neck? Yeah, come on. You couldn't just put on a 50 cap? You got that umbutu? The umbutu rap? I just wanted to take it back to the roots So these are my roots Your hair wrap smell like Egyptian musk

Shut up Like shea butter Listen, my hair is marinating under this I'm sure it is, it's too hot for that I can't wear bangs in this weather And yet you still wear bangs Okay, Alzo's trying to separate us He's trying to divide and conquer with this southern accent

Alzo, what's the biggest difference between the South and New York City? Like the biggest difference. Trees, grass, parking lots, front yards, backyards. Dirt roads, one stop light, general store. No, that's that part of the South. Do you guys have Chinese restaurants? Yeah, there's Chinese restaurants everywhere.

But the hood Chinese restaurants like here. Well, you don't have to order through bulletproof glass in the South. That's the only difference. But the South is dangerous, though. Yeah, but I'm saying, but cats ain't rolling up robbing the Chinese food spot. Yeah, but they're rolling up in pickup trucks with rifles and stuff. Not the kinfolk, not black folks. Yeah, no, I'm not afraid of the black folks in the South.

I'm afraid of the white folks. I'm afraid of the white folks here in New York. Are you kidding me? White folks in general, quite scary. Quite scary. The dudes are different. Like, it took me a minute to find some partners that I could run with in New York because cats up here

be acting funny style sometimes. What is this funny style that you speak of? You know, like if you go out with your homies and let's say

you don't have like cash and it's a cash only spot and then you borrow like $15 from your homies. Like I've been up here and dudes be like the next day they hit me up

like yo, what's up with that 15? Yo, you know New York is expensive though. Yeah. Yo, but then they texted me like and then Yo, why you ain't texting me back?

I'm like, dog, is we fucking? Give me my money, Alzo. Stop playing those games. Give me my money. Run me my $15. Wow. Okay, so people in New York are a little more, we want our money. When are people in the South asking for any money?

Never. Nah, that was just an example. No, I understand. Nah, you don't understand. I do understand. If you were down South and you needed to borrow money from somebody. But I'm saying, at the crib, it just works itself out in the wash. Like, next time we hang, like, I'll get you.

Wait, did you say in the wash? In the crib, it just washes itself out. What? It works itself out in the wash. In the wash. Like, it'll come back. I need you to type. I need you to loosen up that head wrap.

You see her ears are tucked in. I can't keep up. I'm sorry. What I'm saying is, like, if it's your partner, you know you're going to hang out again, and you don't have to worry about it because it's going to come back to you. Okay. I hear that. I hear you.

I don't. I don't get it. Give me my fucking money, right? Give me my money, yo. If I need, listen, I spot you $15 for today. That mean I need that $15 tomorrow. Like at 12.01 a.m. the next day. And Cindy will text you at midnight.

I never ask to get her money back. You never ask for money. No, I don't. Exactly. See? I'm usually asking someone else for money. and then and then they don't text me i'm like because you know you ain't getting at you okay but i feel like also but it is it's it's more expensive to live up here oh absolutely

right and then i'll tell you another difference is uh like you know you don't hear a southern accent often so people hear my accent they think i'm stupid which is fine no they think i'm a country bumpkin. No, I think the ladies love it. Country bumpkin for sure. The ladies love it. Yeah, the ladies don't love it. You're not out here getting... Well, that's fine. He didn't even let you finish the sentence.

Generally speaking, when people hear a country accent, they just think you don't know much. Yeah, but it's not even like you're country like... You're not like country like... What is that movement you were doing? That's a farmer overall dance sideways um i just i feel like you don't like i've i've met some people from the south who like i

couldn't even understand them when they were speaking yeah oh i can do that too like i like if i'm with my my people i'm tired to it right now like yeah give us if i'm tired i say something like man she's done anything down in front of the domino play stressed in a domino play i heard that no i said i'm tired as hell it's time to lay this thing down like a fresh set of dominoes. Oh. Interesting. Yo, you

could pick up some chicks with that one. That was cute. You gotta mumble it on the cute train. Yeah. That's how you get when you trick them. We don't want honesty. We don't want to understand you. We want to be bamboozled.

Oh, he's mysterious. Girl, I think he might be a little bit retarded. That's what we want. Yo, see, we don't use words like that in the South. What do you guys use? Retarded. Slow? Special?

Yellow. Short bus. Short bus. He's touched. Is that what you say? Okay, so that's how you say it. Down, down, down, down, down, down, play. Okay, domino.

I got it. It feel like the South in here. It's so hot. It's very hot in here. We don't have AC. Don't worry. We will get ours eventually. How's the living situation with

Do you have your own apartment When you're in the south Or do you have Is there such thing as roommates I thought you owned a house In the south Yo in Houston I bought a house at 22

How much did the house cost Like $5.32 Stop it No for real It was like $80,000 And it was like how many bedrooms It was three bedrooms Two baths

With a sunroom on the back A sunroom That's sick Yeah Wow. So what happened? You sold the house for a profit? Sold it.

You flipped it? And then I moved to L.A. to go to graduate school and live in an apartment with three roommates. Damn. Why did you go to L.A.? Why didn't I just go to school in Houston? That's going to take us on a tangent. Okay. All right.

I see where that's going. You wanted to go to Hollywood. I see you, Alzo. But yeah, the living situation in Houston, you can live like royalty down there in the South, for little to nothing. That's a big difference between here and New York. In New York, you, well, y'all live here. You fart in your apartment.

You ain't got no space to get away from your own stanky. It's true. It do be tight. And then you guys be having these big dogs. I'm like, they be sleeping in the bed with them and kissing them in the mouth and all that. Who be doing that, Alzo? What?

Who does that? Who does that? Who does what? Who does what you're talking about right now? The big dog, kissing him on the mouth. Oh, my neighbors. They do it all the time. And your neighbors are white?

Okay, there we go. I thought that was understood. Yeah. That wasn't understood? We wanted to be triple clear. Okay, Alzo. So how's the dating situation in the South? How's it different from here?

Down there, they think it in a cold bowl of grits. Cold bowl of grits I'm like do I still want those grits If they're cold Like I don't like grits How thick are they So women down south Have more meat on their bones

Generally speaking Than the women up north Okay So we're frail No no no But see y'all got meat on your bones Like you turn sideways I still can see

the top half and the back half. So you've been looking. Some women, what? So you've been looking. That's another thing. Brothers from the South don't miss much. If you got a biscuit on the back, we see it.

Even if it's a small one. All these sayings are amazing. I love it. Yeah, we don't miss biscuits. I like biscuits. So, women, but why Like, do you think that?

Because y'all are, like, eating better or eating worse than sitting in cars? It's not eating better. We're not eating better, that's for sure. So you're eating and then driving. Yeah, we don't walk down there. Yeah, I know. Like, when you're in your house, you're sitting. You drive to work, you're sitting.

You're at work, you're sitting. So you got to make a conscious effort to work out if you're going to do it. Is there such thing as brunch in the South? Yeah. It wasn't when I was down there. like there's there's brunch in New York City

where you just drink all day but brunch in the South is like really brunch they got that now but I don't feel like I feel like New York didn't always

have that brunch has always been a thing here I feel like that's only since them like chick flicks

like sex in the city no brunch was popping before sex in the city yeah the gay men were here before sex in the city

gay men love but I'm saying like We was here before Dr. Dre dropped the Chronic album, but it was popularized after that. Yeah, but brunch, we don't look into the brunch thing. I feel like brunch has always been. Google that. Mimosas didn't beat, they weren't invented by Sex and the City. I understand that.

I'm saying brunch was popularized by all of this. Yeah, but you're saying there wasn't no brunch in the South. I ain't saying, what? You said it didn't exist in the South when you was down there. I mean, breakfast and lunch always existed, and people was eating the meals in between those times, so it always existed, but I don't think it was, like, a to-do thing. Okay, well, can you explain to me, like, what Southern Hospitality is? Because, like, you know, I'm from New York.

I'm used to people, like, holding the door open for themselves and then squeezing past and then the door closing my face. Oh, sorry. No, chill out. That was, sorry. What is that? I was trying to find the Ludacris song. Okay, thank you. Yes, so what is Southern Hospitality?

Southern Hospitality is when you treat people like people and not just as a means to an end. So give me an example of like... Like if we were, let's say we're out, and I say, Marie, where you at? Oh, I'm at the stand. Okay, I'm going to come through. And then we go, and afterwards, go get something to eat.

when I get to my car, I'm going to open the door for you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And you ain't even my gal. Yeah, but if you do that, that means you trying to fuck.

Nah. You open the door. You open the door, you trying to get it in. Nah. He said I'm not his gal. Yeah, I ain't trying to do that. I'm just being hospitable.

So wait, what would you do if you were trying to do that? Yeah, what's the difference? I might start with that. Oh, my God. That's a gateway. That's a gateway. That's a gateway gesture right there.

So, like, women in the South, like, they just don't open any doors? Nah, they do. I mean, there's women doing their own thing down in the South. But when you come to someone's house, when you walk into someone's space, you say hello. If I invite you to my home I'm going to ask if you Want something to eat You want something to drink

It's just treating people like you want to be treated I feel like I do that Like when people come to my house I'll be like are you thirsty But I don't think hospitality is exclusive to the south I think folks up here do it But we just known for it Why are you guys known for it

I'm polite I say please and thank you Where are your people from Haiti. Exactly. So, like, they're all communal cultures. You know what I'm saying? That's the root of it.

Send these people from the Bronx, I feel like. Shut the hell up. That's not true. I'm actually, my family originated in Little Rock, Arkansas. Oh, so you from the South, too? Technically, yeah, but I'm not trying to go back to Little Rock at all. I hate it there. You've been there?

Oh, my family made me get on the Greyhound. The Grey Dog. On the Greyhound from here to Little Rock, Arkansas. Do you know how many days it took? Do you know how many transfers it took? It was horrible. And then my grandmother made chicken before we got on the bus. Yeah.

Fried chicken don't last three days later with no refrigeration at all. You guys took too long to eat the chicken. Oh, it was the worst. And she was making us eat the chicken. Like, don't make me waste any food. It's like, Grammy, why would you make... This is horrible. She didn't make no sandwiches on that?

Yes, that's what we... Oh, she was not down with a sandwich. What'd she make for the sides? That's important. We had spinach. That's it? Spinach and corn. Like cream of corn?

Canned corn. I love that. Oh. Tired, right? so like being from being from the south like when you got to new york what was the thing the first thing that was like oh damn like this is i'm not in kansas yo this is no lie i dropped my bags when I stepped onto

the sidewalk a rat came and just danced across my toes. Tap dance? And I was like Welcome to New York. I was like we in this biatch. Let's go.

I've never had a rat dance across my toes. Like he just like straight up tiptoed. What kind of shoes were you wearing? Some fly Jordans probably. Are Jordans big in the South? Yes I feel like Jordans are big everywhere

Not my house I've never owned a pair of Jordans I'm all set I've seen your shoe game They definitely not Jordans A bang bang A bang bang Thank you Mr. Slick

You wear them affordums oh wow thank you so much uh thank you for being here today uh you could go um so can you tell us about like your family background at all like can you walk us through like who your parents are we know your mom was like it's like super smart she got like a phd and she's killing the game like what is your what was your life like growing up in the south man i got i got a fantastic pops My mom's is amazing Stepmom's is amazing Oh okay

Who's a better cook? Your stepmom or your mom? Both of them Both they cook differently But both is the bomb diggity Do they cook with bacon grease? Nah none of them What do they cook with?

Olive oil Olive oil that's it? Olive oil is good for you It's good for you but I feel like that's not Sometimes butter. It depends on what they're making. That's not traditional, though. Like, you ain't making no grits with olive oil, you know?

No. When you put butter in there, you know? So you can't just say, what do they cook with? Somebody could tell you from the Bronx. Mind you, Sidney don't cook. That's some New York shit right there. What do they cook with? What do they cook with?

Just one thing. One pan. That's it. They cook with a pan, bitch. Y'all are rude. Sidney, you don't cook, though. Alzo, we want to get a little bit more personal. We want to know, what's your Southern hospitality game like?

When you hollering at a chick, how do you holler? Yeah, if you're pulling out all the stops. So let me tell you something. Okay, ready, go. Respect. Moist. No, listen. Respect is of the utmost importance.

like if you you can't go into hollering at a gal trying to get the pussy. Stop calling her a gal. Hollering at a gal. No keep calling her a gal. He's a southern dude. Don't call her a gal. No keep calling her a gal. Don't listen to Sydney. She from the Bronx.

Like when you say gal like if I say you my gal that's like tantamount to wife almost. Sydney you got a gal. Sydney you definitely got a gal that you cried over just yesterday. Every day

So respect is number one Two No the layers of respect though Because you can't You can't go into it Thinking that I'm trying to I'm trying to just have sex with this chick But aren't you?

No no no If it works out that way So be it But you can't live and die by it I see what you're doing wrong. I see what you're doing now. What am I doing? You're trying to turn these podcast listeners out. I hear you. Nah. You ain't listening.

Nah. I'm listening. I'm trying to get you a gal on the unofficial experience. I see you. I see you, partner. We're like, to all you lovely ladies out there. Yeah. No, all you lovely gals. All you lovely gals out there. Big gal done sugar.

Azaga, azaga, azaga. All you lovely gals, let me put some butter on them biscuits. If you're dealing with them dusty niggas that put in bacon oil grease, they cooking with that. Come with a real G. Come with a real G that's cooking with olive oil.

Fuck with them dudes that be using truffle oil. Truffle is great. Truffle's not as good? I don't know. My budget doesn't allow for truffle oil. So I don't know. Trader Joe's? No, still not using it.

So respect. There's mad layers of respect And then What's next? It's all It's all rooted in that If you're trying to bag a gal Where would you take her

On a date? Yeah you're in the south In the south Yes Well first of all I ain't lived there In like 12 years So some things have changed

Okay that's fine But 12 years ago Like my I ain't have as much money As I do now As I did back then Oh so you have money So you are

You daddy Wait I didn't say I have money I just said I have Relatively speaking Oh here you go with the modest I mean you owned The home. Yeah.

Owned. Owned a home. Operative word. But you sold the home. Yeah, but you've been making money up here in New York. You take your New York money down there, you are Daddy Warbucks. Where are you going? Papa Doe's.

What is Papa Doe's? That sounds like a- That sounds awful. That sounds like they put meat on sticks. No, Papa Doe's is amazing. Okay, what's that about? Wait, they should be paying y'all some money for this endorsement. It's a New Orleans Cajun restaurant.

So you get, like, shrimp etouffee, biscuits that are seasoned. You get crawfish etouffee. It's etouffee. Is that your thing? Like, you know. Over rice. What's etouffee? I don't know.

Google it. It's like steamed. No. It's like a gumbo, like, sauces and shrimp. Oh, okay, okay. I see the way you're moving your fingers. You know what I'm saying? Is that you with the gumbo?

Gumbo, too. Gumbo is great. Okay. It sounds hot. You have to include some proper meal. Yes, you do. Okay, so you take her.

Absolutely. In New York, you can't be taking chicks to hummus bars and shit like that. Oh, this bar. Stop. Wait, so you...

You take a chick to a hummus bar. First of all, I ain't no hummus bars at the crib, but if you take a chick to a hummus bar, yeah, you can guarantee

that you may not even get a peck on the cheek. Nah, yo. So these girls be going crazy. The girls in Williamsburg, they love them some hummus. Yeah, but we ain't in Williamsburg when we down there. Okay, so. Chickpea paste.

So you take her to go get gumbo. To get gumbo, chickpea paste, and then after Papa Dog's, where y'all going? What's next? Wait, what's your drink of choice in the South? I don't drink. Sweet tea. You don't drink at all? No.

When did that? Wait. How long have you been not drinking? I never drink. Ever? I've tasted it. Oh, okay. So it's not for you.

So what are you drinking when you're going out on dates? Water. Does it? Maybe tea. Wait, so you're sober on dates? This has gotten way more interesting. Well, he has to drive. Of course he's sober on dates.

Come on, Sidney. You've never been on a date you were sober at? But this is kind of... No. Y'all talking about Dates in the South Yeah Dates in the South

Dates in the South Yeah We're gonna come up to here We gonna We gonna remix it On this spot Yeah I don't drink So

Get over it But what's the drink In the South Like what do What's I mean Negroes drink The same drink

Everywhere It's like Hennessy Or Jack Daniels What else Jack and Colt Yeah

Yeah but you're not drinking any of that you're drinking water or tea yeah so how does the data and you talk about sweet tea there's no such thing as sweet tea in the south really i thought that the south was known for sweet tea damn that was one of our questions tea by default in the south is sweet so you don't have to say sweet tea you just ask for tea that's just like where's that's like saying where is black marie now we already know she's black but there's a lot of white maries out there though definitely That ain't the one we talking about. Where's Black Marie?

Where's Black Alzo? What? Who? You know about that? That was one of your questions. What was your question? About Sweet D. Answer.

Sydney, I feel like we could have just, like, remixed it, but thank you for telling me what the question was. Thank you, because you're not an expert at killing the game. So, Alzo, so after the, how do you know that a date is going well when you're down there in the South? Like, she, take it in a biscuit or whatever. How do you know she's going to give up them draws? Sydney.

I was asking a question, like a legit question. Okay. You talk about drawings. Sorry. Also, you can answer whichever question you want. It's the same question. Oh, okay. Right?

It's the same question. So if the date's going well, she's definitely giving up the draw then? Maybe not the first date. You don't want them on the first date. Yeah, I feel like in the South the women are reserved. Nope. No. I feel like they drop it down like a tip drill down there.

Like, none of that. But yeah, when it comes to that, human nature is human nature. I don't think regions have to do anything with it. Like, you take a girl out on the first date, I ain't trying to get no draws on the first date. What if she wants to give them up? Then you know you can't wait for her.

Do you say, no thank you? I mean, who am I to argue with faith? You know what I'm saying? Who am I to crush a girl's dream? nah but on the on the first date nah I mean I've been

I've been saying this to these women and they don't hear me they're like well but I will say this though if a girl gives it up to me on the first date there's no judgment

like I'm not like I'm not kicking her to the curb seriously so you've never given it up on the first date yep

no who Marie me no I said no, nigga. That's because Marie don't even have to go on the date to give it up. Also, you obviously don't know me. We'd be on date 365 and he'd still be waiting.

He'd be like, I really like this gal. Sydney, you'd be giving it up on the first date? Why are you even going to ask that question? I feel like the answer was hell to the yes. Sydney gives it up before the date. i've gone on a date and i've had numerous drinks and would you blame it on the drink i'm gonna say yeah marie you ain't never gave it up on the first date no ever i've never given it up on the first date i've had one night stands oh but i've never that means you've never seen them again oh yeah

because i don't need to see you wait that's not so that's not even a date exactly no because you're not gonna you're not trying to see them again giving it up before a first date uh yeah i've given it up without a date okay this is on this is on oh this is hot in here it's too hot but if i'm interested in somebody or somebody's interested in me i'm not giving it up on the first date okay how long will you wait i can i don't need it i could wait until whenever i could wait until your head explodes. Yeah, but I think if you really into the dude, you ain't gonna want to wait.

No, I can wait still. I feel like just because I'm really into somebody doesn't mean I'm not obligated to act on something. If Marie turns up missing, it's because that bitch didn't give it up. That's what that is. I heard you on the podcast that you be doing one night stands.

Why can't I get... That's not funny. It's not. Thank you, Alzo, for not laughing. Sydney, you suck. It's all in jest, but I could very well show up. Did you see what I just did? Yeah. That was because I'm from the South.

What did you just do? I'm protecting Marie. You see, Sydney? From these knuckleheads out there listening. Knuckleheads. You know what I'm saying? Raise up on Marie. You're going to get tossed, fool.

Oh, that's so, I love that. So hospitable. I love that. If I was in Houston, I'd say, you get molly whopped. I love that. I'm here for all of it. Yeah. So what, how is it, like, what does the date in New York look like then?

Because ain't no Papa, Papa Dogs up here. Ain't no what? Papa Dogs. Is that what, is that where you said he was going? You're being disrespectful right now. What, isn't that what it was? Fuck Papa Dogs. Fuck that gumbo.

Fuck your hummus bar. So, Alvin, what does a date in New York look like? Oh, we had papaya dog. Yo, they don't make hot dogs like they used to. I swear to God. They don't. Yo, they used to be really good. I can't.

They used to be really good. And then you put some sauerkraut on it and some onions, chili. Sydney, it sounds like you used to live above a papaya dog. Yo, papaya dog was the shit. I've never had a papaya dog. The one in the 70s. Grazed papaya. I've never had a papaya dog hot dog.

Grape papaya? I don't know. I don't have that. In the South, do you eat at other people's house like that? Or is that just like a... Oh, no. Yeah. You eat at what?

You mean like dinner parties and stuff? Yeah. But... Is that what y'all call it? Dinner parties or something else? Barbecue. Okay. Oh, and that's a big difference.

Oh. Transition. Go ahead. Check. Yo. But here, barbecues are not barbecues. I agree. They are cookouts.

What's the difference for our listeners who don't know? A barbecue has chicken, ribs, hamburgers, hot dogs. Cookouts only have hamburgers and hot dogs and then whatever them little cardboard-looking vegetarian burgers that y'all be putting on the grill. Oh, a veggie burger? A gas grill at that. But, Alzo, have you ever been to a West Indian barbecue? Because we barbecue different than, like, regular American blacks. Okay, so what's that?

Because we're doing ribs. We're doing rice. We're doing, like, macaroni and cheese. We're doing, like... Oh, yeah, y'all be putting goat heads on the grill. We be putting, like, deep-fried pork. Like, everything. Like, it's a lot.

It's not just hamburgers and hot dogs. But that's the West Indians. Like, if you ever go to, like, a Jamaican or a Haitian barbecue... But that's what I'm saying. Like I said earlier I feel like Caribbean culture Is much closer

To southern culture Than New York culture is Yeah definitely Cause I have been I have been to some Very sad Cookouts We ain't got

We ain't got no chill We ain't got nothing It's just I'm like It's sad They got three bags Of Lay's potato chips And a sack of

Frank's Nah Nathan's Frank's I went to I went to a cookout In Detroit And I knew shit

Wasn't gonna be popping because the guy on the grill was good looking. And good looking people can't grill? No, they can't. I need an older man that's missing a couple teeth in the back. No, I don't need you to be missing no teeth. I need him to have on house shoes. I know a cookout is going to be whack

when the potato salad is white and not yellow. What is with the potato salad? Potato salad is not even all that. People are making it like it's a big deal. I could not need that. I can use that space for something else on the plate. Yeah, there's my mayo.

I'm all set with... I see, I see, I see. I am on the wrong podcast. I love... We need to cease and desist. Y'all have disrespect. Y'all tried to talk about my mama. No, we didn't.

You pronounced Papa Do's wrong. Papa Do's. And now you're saying... Papa Do's. And now you're saying... Papa Do's. Now you're saying potato salad is irrelevant.

It is. I need some greens on the plate. I need macaroni and cheese for sure. Oh, Marie, I love a Devlet. I'll take some deviled eggs We right with deviled eggs But I don't need the potato I could take a little bit

But I could use that for something else I'm not really here for the potato though No I'm not here for that And I'm not here for no macaroni salad either Me neither And then people start putting the tuna in there I'm like what are you doing They be putting celery and all that

Canned tuna No Are you putting canned tuna Do y'all cook I'm sorry I didn't understand the question Okay exactly Come again One more time

I don't cook I don't cook, but I know when something's going to taste good or not. When somebody else cooks it? I cook. What do y'all bring to the cookout? Ourselves. What am I bringing to the cookout? Maybe like a whole black roll.

Yourselves. This ass. What am I bringing to the cookout? It's not enough. Well, if I'm at my mom's house. Are you saying my ass is not enough? He's saying he can't see that biscuit from the front or the side. Listen.

That biscuit didn't rise. This is a side of fries right here. A side of fries. The biscuit didn't rise. Oh, my God. Put that shit back in the oven. Oh, my God. It's undercooked.

It ain't ready yet. First of all, this is a souffle. This is a souffle. Sydney, I can't. This is a delicate. I hate everything about you right now. This is a delicate dish, so mind your business. It looks like hummus.

It looks like a poop. It looks like a swish. It's from Papa Dog. One sandwich chickpeas. I feel like a rice cake. With some cinnamon on it. With some Nutella on it. This ass is from Papa Dog, so.

No, it ain't. Ain't nothing casual about that booty, girl. This is a confit. Confit, confit. That's a whole. A toupee. That's a whole foods booty right there. Ass cheek, a toupee.

This is Trader Joe's ass right here. I hate boobies. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I feel like I was asking what was the question I just asked you? I don't even know. I can't remember.

What is something about the South that you feel like people like what's a misconception about the South that you feel like people get wrong all the time? That we're stupid.

Say something. Say something. I mean you'll be using big words though. Is that why you speak so eloquently? Every time they have y'all on TV

I'm like nah. Why? I saw ATL. Do you skate a lot? No. What do you feel about that? How do you feel about that movie? It's entertaining

Who was the bad guy in that movie? I don't think it was Big Boy Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Big Podcast I like Big Boy Yeah, people think Y'all slow

We slow But aren't you guys a little lax? You're a little slower In what way? Like, you're a little Like, in New York Everyone's in a rush Everybody's trying to get

Everybody's trying to get fast Speak up, boy Speak up I'm talking about intellectually slow. I know, but everything that we do up here is fast. But you guys take your time a little bit more. But that don't mean we're stupid. No, I'm not saying that you're stupid.

But I'm saying that's the misconception. Right. Right? I think people in New York, they're no smarter than people in the South. Yeah, I know some dumb people. They just have a false sense of intellectual superiority because they read the New York Times front page and listen to NPR for 10 minutes. I mean, some people don't even do that here.

Right. 10 minutes of NPR? That's too much NPR. Yeah. Friends better than New York Times? No, Sidney, what are you doing? We're talking to somebody. We are talking to this gentleman right here.

Now, that is very, like, not hospitable. What? That you scrolling on your little cracked iPhone 2. Oh, here we go. It is quite cracked. While I'm a guest on your show. It is quite cracked. I'm a guest on your show, and that's how you're going to do me?

Well, you were talking about, I was like, you know, you guys put down my booty. Who was you guys? I didn't talk about your butt. We didn't, what? What was that, all that riffing that you guys just did on that ass? At the beginning of the podcast, I established that both of you guys had proper booties. Oh, thank you, Alzo.

That's the nicest thing I've heard all day. It's proper? You got a nice booty. Like it comes from good homes? He called it a rice cake, so don't forget that. You put Nutella on it. Nutella and cinnamon. You know, this is the second guest today that's been going in on me with Marie.

I thought we were allies here. We're allies. I thought we are just having a little fun. We are. Yes, it is. And that's another thing, too. Like that collar. If you start taking stuff, like, personally and getting sensitive, you're going to get roasted harder.

I met this dude when I lived in L.A. He was from Texas, right? And we would, like, joke on each other. and one day he just got really upset like he couldn't take it like I'm from New York I have a family of like you know I have a big family that's we're all loud we're all opinionated we all think

we're comedians so we crack jokes on each other all the time and like you're right as soon as you feel like somebody crosses the line and you start to get in your feelings that's when people come harder this Texan dude was like he was like you don't know me like that like why would you talk like why would you talk to me like that blah blah blah and

we're not friends now because of that I was like really and he's a comic I'm like how are you a comedian yes and it wasn't like I was saying anything disrespectful I don't remember but it was like you either got a fire back or just conceived that you know

you'd take that loss exactly but he decided he wanted to take that loss and now we ain't cool no more question where are the finest women at in the south yeah who is the finest women what's like the top three places in the south

to go for some up. Ooh, Houston. They got them. Yeah, I would see that. I would say that. Houston got them. Ooh, Dallas got them. Sounds like Texas is winning. Texas is winning. Florida and Georgia

got them too. Florida? Nah. Don't sleep. I'm asleep. I'm in a coma. Definitely not woke. I'm comatose right there. But Texas for sure. I'll give you Texas, but Florida? Nah. No.

You have to take a trip down there with me one day Yeah, I'll go cruising with you I want to see what your game like What kind of car You're going to have to cry to your girlfriend again Oh, shut up What kind of car are we cruising around Looking for these gals

What's the car look like Now you want to go classic Of course, because you feel excited You got to do a Like a Cadillac Candy painted What color I'd probably do, you know, that's how we say maroon instead of burgundy.

Oh, God. Maroon. A cranberry. A cranberry. That's exactly what it is, a cranberry. Or you could do like a Monte Carlo. I don't even know what that is. All right.

Doesn't interest me. It's an old car. Okay, well, we want to. Y'all just, up here, y'all are impressed by unlimited metro cars. So, if Junker got a bicycle, y'all be like, oh, hell yeah, he gets the draws. No, that's not the case. You said he got a bicycle. Like, you got a city bike for the whole year?

Yeah. I don't know how much a city bike costs, but it can't be that much. Everybody got it. Well, it's $10. A month? No, if you just use it for the day. What if I have, like, a membership? Cindy, how do you know?

I was going to get a bike with my girl. That sounds really gay Um Elzo You consider yourself An expert We gonna give you A little quiz

A little quiz Are you ready It's a big deal I stay ready So I ain't got to get ready It's a big deal For us to crown you Okay

Now Are you ready How many questions are there It's gonna be like We only have three written But we might come up With some more Uh

How do you make The best potato salad How would you make Potato salad Y'all gonna come at me with a potato salad question when y'all just said potato salad don't matter? But I want to know how you, because people

who are listening to this might not agree with us. They might want to know, but does he know his potato salad? You have to use yellow mustard. Okay. And then what else? The rest is on your own. You got to figure it out. Also, it sounds like you don't know how to make potato salad. No, I do, but I'm just not. Can you give us the

ingredients, please? I'm not going to divulge my... Well, what do I need to buy besides yellow mustard and potato salad? Eggs. Eggs. Potato. Paprika. Sidney, you not doing this. Shut up. You don't even like potato salad.

I don't. I actually don't make potato salad. So that means you're not getting a point. Is that what you're saying? You don't want the point. So you don't want this point. Oh, no. I got stuff that could fill in for that point.

Okay. I can make peach cobbler. I make pound cake from scratch. And sweet potato pie. So that's three points. No, no, no. You got to tell me how you make this. How you make it?

Oh, no. I'm not telling you how to make it. I'll tell you what ingredients. Okay, so tell us. In peach cobbler, there's peaches and there's cobbler. Oh, my God, Elzo. You have to leave. You don't get a point.

You do not get a point. No, I do get a point. Hold on a minute. Hold on. Elzo, this is very serious. This is pretty serious. Lemon pound cake, right? All right.

Eggs, butter, flour. Okay. You got to have your lemon flavor, but I'm not telling you where you get that from. The lemon zest. If that's what you want to do. Zest of a lemon. And baking soda. Baking powder.

I mean, there's a big difference. Don't put no baking soda in your cake. Salty-ass pound cake that's flat. Right. It'll end up looking like my ass. It'll look like your rice cake. Okay, so that was you said that. But we was all thinking it.

Second question. Okay. What song Are these lyrics from Afro-American Afro-thick Overall country Overall jeans

Overall Georgia Georgia We overall clean That's ludicrous What song Wait Say the lyrics again I know it's ludicrous

Yeah I'm trying to figure out What song that is Afro-American Afro-thick overall country overall jeans overall georgia we overall clean i feel like i i hear it in my head and i don't know the song yeah you you need to sing it like it's really no no because then i'll give it away afro-american afro thick overall country overall jeans overall georgia we overall clean.

Bores. Hashtag bores. Bores. It is ludicrous. I forgot. How? We're going to give you half a point.

How did you forget that? Because it's hot as hell in here. No, we are talking... That is the third question. You could have just guessed. I got a question for y'all. When are we turning the AC back on?

When this is done. Y'all trying to simulate the south in here. You could have just guessed. Okay, but I didn't guess. Yes, guess at one of his songs. Just guess. Just name a ludicrous song.

Yeah, name one. Use a hoe. You get negative two points for that one. Okay, here's my- It's Southern Hospitality. That's what we're talking about today. Southern Hospitality. Okay, okay, okay.

This is the last one. Unless Sidney comes up with one while I'm asking this. you have five dollars what are you buying at the Waffle House five dollars five George

Washington dollars five Sacagaweas five Susan you're getting grits and eggs that's it I feel like you could eat like like eight meals for five dollars when was the last time you've been to Waffle House

maybe like four years ago you can get some gravy Does it? Gravy. You can get grits, eggs, and biscuits with gravy on them for $5. And a juice? No, you ain't getting no juice. Oh, come on.

When I went to Atlanta, I feel like I ate really well for $5. That was like 19... No, it was 2012, probably. Yeah, you ain't getting that no more. Oh, damn. Woffhouse didn't bought the prices up? So you can't get anything for $5? You get grits and eggs, but no juice.

No, you get grits, eggs, and a biscuit with some gravy on it. You get them covered and smothered. That's what they call it. What's covered and smothered? They just pour the gravy on top, and it's like a soggy biscuit now? Mm-hmm. It's good. I have a question.

Okay. This will... Close it out? Yeah, this will close it out. And then we'll turn the AC on. You ready? Thank God. Sorry.

How do you smother chicken? What ingredient do you use to smother chicken? When you're making your own gravy? Yeah. Also you gotta sit up Yeah you got this You need cornstarch I don't know

Is that what it is right? Sidney I don't know What smothered chicken is Okay you get that point You can make your own gravy Yeah you need cornstarch Okay well you got that Well we gonna give you that point

Yeah Y'all don't know What's right or wrong You got it Yay You are the unofficial expert What's unofficial? Yeah this is

No take the un off Well, this is just for our podcast. But you don't know how to make potato salad. Well, y'all don't even want the potato salad, so what does it matter? If I knew how to make hummus, would that make it better? I don't, what are you talking, why do you keep saying hummus? You're not in a room with white women, you're in a room with black women, still. That don't like potato salad, so now it's debatable.

It's not that I don't like potato salad, I'm saying that, like, if I have other options on the table available to me at the barbecue. Like macaroni salad? No. No, we don't want macaroni salad. I don't want macaroni salad. I want everything else. And then maybe-

You want that bag of Lay's potato chips. I will pick mixed greens over potato salad. Okay, so that's why I think I'm in a room with women. Listen, I'm going to eat the collard greens. I'll eat the macaroni and cheese. I'm putting all the meat that's on the grill on my thing. But the potato salad, I can take it or leave it. I'll take it home and give it to a neighbor.

You know, I'm putting all the desserts on the plate, but the potato salad? I'm putting some double decks on there next time I'm coming up with some questions for southern hospitality

Alzo do you have any questions for us before you go no where can we catch you do you have any projects coming up what you doing

yeah I'm doing 30 minutes at the standing room on August 31st okay and the standing room is located Long Island City

I am hosting Night Train again Yep. Oh, they love you over there. That's great. Yep, September 5th.

Oh, and we're doing Afropunk After Dark comedy show. No way. Oh, Amanda Seals did that last year. Yeah, she did that last year. So she's doing it again this year? No, she's in LA. So are you hosting this show? I'm hosting the show.

Oh, where's that happening? That's going to be at Bedford Hall on Saturday the 27th of August. Okay, okay. And I'm doing Ryan Lane's show. Bird Brain. Bird Brain. Yay. I'm doing that the 25th.

Of August? Yeah, next Thursday. Maybe we'll come to that. We'll come to that. We'll come to support. We'll come see who else is going to line up. Yeah. We'll come there to judge.

I'd like to say that this has been a fantastic experience. This is so fun. At 105 degrees Fahrenheit. So you felt like right at home. You know what I'm saying? But it's hot because y'all hot. This is nothing for you. This is the heat that you're used to.

If you threw in a few mosquitoes, it'd be right at home. We ain't got that. Speaking of hot, you can see Sidney and I the second Saturday of every month at the Horm Up. Then let me tell you, folks, that show is crack-a-lackin'. Crack-a-lackin'. I've never been to a bad show at that place with these gals hosting. So just take a moment. I'm about to give them some compliments.

It's few and far between. You know what I'm saying? Hold on. Both of them, they do have nice booties. Oh, thank you. They have beautiful skin. And they're very funny. Keep going.

And they're overall good people. you know what I'm saying thank you despite Marie's hair right now and Sidney's family dollar and butu

hair wrap I feel like to close this out we're all gonna say the most southern phrase that we can think of are we ready

you can just say any of the catchphrases that you've left us with today Sidney do you have what what that mouth do I feel like that's

not a, I don't really know if that's a southern thing. We'll take that one though. We gonna take it. I feel like mine is gonna be I feel like you said so much today. Hold on, Alzo, you say yours. What y'all know about the dirty

side, know what I'm talking about? Here go mine. I made grits. That's something that You guys say every day, I'm sure, Alzo. Don't do that with your face to me. Disrespect. Thank you so much, Alzo Slade.

This has been so great. This has been the unofficial expert. Yeah, thanks for listening. You guys are great. Thank you. Bye. Bye. To the listeners of the Unofficial Expert Podcast,

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