MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Talkative Expert" with Dulcé Sloan

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

Weve got Chatty Cathy herself, Dulc Sloan, in the studio this week as our Talkative Expert. Dulc talks Sydnee and Maries eats off reminiscing on her time working as a customer service operator and explains what her type of man is. Plus, Marie goes on a weed infused dinner date and Sydnee gets fomo for not getting an invite.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Forever. Dog. Whoop whoop. That's the sound of the police. Whoop whoop. Pull over that ass too fast. Whoop whoop. Hey, what's up Marie?

Hi friend. Ah, I was so late today. And I was early. This is what, is Mercury in retrograde again? I don't know sis. I'm so sorry. I stepped outside to catch the bus and I saw it leave. Sis.

And I was like, well I'm not chasing this bus down in this gentrified neighborhood. Sis, eyes low. Your eyes low. Oh yeah friend, I think I'm still high from yesterday. yo we have got okay fuck everything forget about my expertise what about you i thought about you last night i did well what i wasn't feeling good but i was like i know marie's having a good night oh i was i felt like shit why well because i started the new medication so i'm out of it i feel nauseous and just trash well you look good friend thank you this mock turtle that you got on

this hair in a pony this fuck all the compliments bitch what was going on last night tell us so i went to this weed infused dinner and i'm saying the word dinner loosely when white people invite you to dinner it's gonna be past plates it's gonna be small like tasting things it's gonna be kale and scallops it's gonna it's gonna be like is this a peanut sauce anyway so andrew yes that's yes when white people invite you to dinner like when black folks invite you to dinner it's gonna be rice trays there's gonna be yeah trays trays with the little heat things yes yeah

right white folks are like okay well this is um these are spring rolls vegan with peanut sauce when I'm going to dinner I want a plate and a fork and a spoon and a knife I didn't eat today not finger foods I just like a little

snack yeah but then don't say that it's dinner is what I'm saying for me that is dinner well y'all models or whatever need to get it together because we there to eat you're calling me a model yeah you're a model baby j crew j crew mod anyway okay fuck the dinner what happened okay so we're we're all this a bunch of comedians were there i'm there i'm there with a dude but you know we look good together so it doesn't matter okay um end of the show we're sitting we're sitting in the corner cute comedians no friend

you know they all ugly oh wow on the record for on the record leave that they'll never invite you again sis oh well i wasn't performing since i was just there i have to be nice to be marie yo the drinks were infused the food was infused and we were smoking in the room we're just laughing the entire time you didn't get sick no just me and him were smoking i'm not Cause I don't I'm not Coronavirus Just the two of us

We can make it Last comic is on stage Performing This lady Planks on her face Like Not the comedian Somebody in the audience

Just Fell and landed on her face Passed out Love it Whole show over That's what we needed Show Wrap this

Party done Wrap this bitch up Wrap it up then Did you start stealing shit No because they started Putting stuff away Everything I needed Ah bitch

And I'm like I should've I was just about to go to the bar To get another drink And this lady face-planted and stayed there. Was there blood? Somebody was like, is she dead? And we high, so we're just like.

Delayed laughing. We're laughing at this lady who landed on her face. Trash. Someone's like, call an ambulance. I was like, y'all would be better off just putting her in an Uber. Yeah. That's what a real friend would do, is put you in an Uber, not an ambulance. That's true.

It's going to cost her $23,000. Anyway, they don't care about her. They called an ambulance. The cops came. They made us all leave. Maria. It was the last comic of the night and I was just starting to feel good. I was like, oh, this is a cute little high.

And then record scratch, you guys got to go. So on the way out, I was like, well, I'm just grab a drink because it's already done. Like it was sitting there. Yeah. So I just took it. Nice. You know, a little road beverage. What kind of drink was it?

I don't know, girl. I think it had alcohol. I mean, it had alcohol and I think it had weed in it. So that's why I took it. Did it get anybody's dick hard and panties wet? What? I'm asking. You were there on a date.

Yeah, but I didn't have panties on last night. I had a skirt on. You hot. Oh, my God. You fucking fancy boy. I was like, I'm going to catch pneumonia in my pussy tonight. I love it. Sick.

But I had a long. Was it coughing? No, it was not coughing, but its nose was running. Mucus, mucus. you need some mucinex for that poo poo for that poos for that poos

poos for that poos so what happened did you hook up in the car little bit little bit little bit in the car yeah yeah little bit

hoe on the go hoe on the go you see that dig and dash I love it so yeah yeah yeah it was what'd you do in the car

okay Sydney you were so loud oh my god I forgot this is not the Patreon I'm sorry for somebody anyway I'm living vicariously

through you fuck you thank you friend oh wow I know you got fucked so thank you okay we'll talk about this

on the Patreon that hopefully we can record soon yeah yeah yeah ah that's great I'm happy for you it was a little bit it was a little hook up

in the car and then you know we had to give somebody a ride so it was like yep yep yep she found us who did you give a ride somebody else

don't worry about it friend anyway that was what I was an expert in last night I was an expert at just being high for 24 hours was it a friend

a mutual friend yes well my friend so that oh wow okay yeah interesting okay okay here we go yep what how are you doing friend what are you an expert in that's absolutely nothing well that's how we feel i mean oh you had a lot of questions for

marie yeah yeah and not a single response well things make sense now what makes sense why i wasn't invited you weren't invited because you are sober why would you go to a weed if you to watch everybody smoke. Watch the girl pass out. Okay, I would have gone live. To watch everybody smoke to catch a contact high? I would have gone live. Sydney, I don't know why you'd be upset

that I don't invite you to drug things. Well, sometimes you just want to get an invite. Girl, you wasn't in the right headspace yesterday anyway. That's right. We literally just talked about this. I would have said, thank you for the invite. Girl. I love an invite.

Sydney. And I would be like, I can't go. Sydney, you messing with my high right now. see how big my eyes are getting Andrew do you like invites even if you can't go yes of course exactly I'm not wasting an invite for somebody that's not gonna come

she was not gonna come yeah we expect this sort of thing from you do we expect this sort of thing from Sydney Sydney is a little bit different wow he's calling me sad okay fuck you I'm not calling you mean

he's calling me sad and sensitive Well, look, okay, all right. I don't know where else to go from here. I'm in a great mood. I'm feeling good. You guys are listening to this, and you can tell that I'm in a great mood. She is. So I'm just leaving it right there.

I didn't do anything. Okay. I didn't do anything wrong. No. You didn't do anything. You didn't invite Sydney. I barely did anything right. And you, you not doing this to me, not during Women's History Month.

That's not what we doing today. It is Women's History Month. Is that what we doing today? Andrew, it is Women's History Month. I know. she wasn't gonna come no so why would i invite her maria i invite you to stuff even if i think you can't come that's a lie you you there's plenty stuff that you do not invite me to and then you're like oh i thought i thought i sent you the information well let me see if i could

add you to the like why if i could sydney that was actually really good of sydney you a bitch that is does not sound like me at all no like the it doesn't sound like her voice but like the way that she would talk in that sort of state. Andrew, I know Sidney, and that's what she does to me. That's not. She's like, oh, I mean, I'll see if they have another. I'll just see. Or they said that I couldn't invite anybody.

Otherwise, I would have invited you. I have never said that. You said that to me. You literally said that to me the other day. When did I say that to you? Sidney, you're an expert in lying this week. That's a fuck all my life. You're an expert in lying and FOMO this week.

Wow, that is lies. Anytime there's like a SNL, anytime there's like an invite. Even when you're not invited, I'd be like, yo, Marie gotta come. I'm not saying that you've not invited me to things, but I'm saying there are more things that you do not invite me to than you do. She's lying. Okay. All right. And you know my memory is trash, so I can't listen to anything.

You can't even listen to her. If you watch Sidney's stories or you go to Sidney's Instagram and she's like here and she's there and she's moving and she's shaking, I'm not in all of them photos. That's a fucking lie. That's a fact. You're in everything, bitch. That's a fact, Sidney. People be like, yeah, you could come, but you want Marie to come too? Absolutely.

She has to. Oh, my God. She has to come. Anyway, Sidney, I didn't invite you to my date yesterday, so that was not going to happen. Yeah, but other people were invited. They were also on dates. Oh, well, I guess I got to just get a date. Maybe our guest is into women.

Nah, it doesn't. Wow. Okay. No homophobia. No homiostasis. You don't do that. It's not homophobia. You asked me.

I told you. She said no. No means no. Let's talk about, let's bring our guest in because she can weigh in on what she's heard thus far. I don't have, this is the first time in unofficial expert history that I don't have an expertise. Well, Sydney, because I asked if you had one. No, I really just, I don't have one today. So it happens.

And it's fine. Is tea good? Okay. Well, tea on tea. Yeah, our guest today, hot like fire, Fuego. Speaking of Fuego, Afro-Latina. Yeah, she's Afro-Latina. No, I'm not, Sydney.

It's like Sydney called me. She's Afro-Latina. She just black. Hold on. Hold on. She's a correspondent for The Daily Show. Yes. She's one of our dearest friends.

She invites us to all the events. She does, actually. And I get no invites from them, either. Oh, wow. Yikes. Ooh-ee. Wow, wow. Okay.

Ting-tang, waddle-waddle, bing-bang. Waddle-waddle, bing-bang. And on that note, let's give it up for our chatty expert, Dulce Sloan. Hi, buddies. Our talkative expert. Regardless of what that website said in their Instagram, I am not Afro-Latina. I've never said I was Afro-Latina. But your name is Dulce, and you speak of the Spanish.

Right. my family's from miami so my mother had a um friend who was a cuban friend growing up whose name was dulce and she liked the name so she gave it to me and then when you go to school in miami you start taking spanish in kindergarten right so when we moved back i was in the fourth grade so i started i took spanish class every single day fourth grade fifth grade sixth grade so I learned so little Dulce that's how people should say my name

no one says that I also grew up mostly in Georgia with a name like Dulce so I've never been called that so you lived in Miami but also Georgia well I've lived in Georgia, Florida Oklahoma and Colorado

Colorado? Oklahoma you said? you're doing a lot was your family on the run? i don't know my childhood was sponsored by u-haul um so i was born in miami we moved to oklahoma my brother was born in oklahoma and then when my parents split up we moved to colorado oh and then we left colorado that was a bad divorce huh yeah they took the state yeah we left because like me and my mom were born in miami my father and my brother were born

oklahoma city we moved to colorado because my mother's homegirl was there so when they left we went there and then we moved to Atlanta because my uncle lived there and then we moved back to Miami

after Hurricane Andrew and then we moved back to Atlanta sounds like she was running from some debtors yeah I mean or the American Girl people

because them fuckers could find me anywhere the American Girl people the doll people yes that damn magazine showed up wherever the fuck we live I done told them

nothing did you have an American Girl doll not until I was 24 years old you got Addie I got Addie for my 24th birthday

literally You, Dulce Sloan, got Addie the slave doll for your 24th birthday. Because my mother said I'm not buying a nine-year-old $100 doll. What the fuck do I look like? Do you still have Addie? Yes, she's in her quinceañera dress in my house. And you say that you're not Afro-Latina. Well, Addie is.

For my 30th birthday, I had a doble quinceañera. So I had a quinceañera. Doble quinceañera. Because it's double 15. Dulce, I don't, whatever you want to say. Come on, everybody, do that conga. That's what you are. Funny story, my mother hates Gloria Estefan.

She won't tell me why. She won't. Her and my aunt, because I was telling them about one of my friends, their cousin was in the Gloria Estefan Broadway show. And my aunt was staying with us for a little bit. And I was like, oh, mommy, you know, Roley and Sally, they're cousins in the Gloria Estefan musical. And both of them, not looking at each other, took a beat and went,

man, fuck Gloria Estefan. I was like, what just happened? They both grew up in Miami. me neither one of me would tell me what the beef is well where's Gloria Estefan from she's Cuban so she grew up in Miami okay so maybe she stole somebody man I don't know come on everybody let me do that all I know is she was 21 when I was born so I don't know what happened Gloria my mother well how old was Gloria when you was born because how the fuck am I supposed to know that they know each other I don't know something happened she's like are you 45 actually I'm

62 years old thank you so much amazing um thank you thank you thank you thank you I'm eternal You're beautiful. Thank you so much, Fran. Yeah. My skin has been fucking up, especially since I came back from Puerto Rico. My skin has been fucking up. What happened in Puerto Rico? I was filming a movie in Puerto Rico.

Okay. Drop some credits, bitch. Talk about it. IMDB. IMZU. Let's talk about it. What film? It's called Chick Fight.

It's about to be a girl fight. What a fun song. I love that song. I love throwing bows. That needs to be on a playlist. It's about to be a girl fight. what a whisper and then

we about to throw them bows little John we about to swing the bass she really meant that yeah what happened

to Brooke Valentine she was on Love and Hip Hop Hollywood and was absolute basura she was starting

all the drama and people kept calling her broke but then she started calling other people broke it was a mess well she was broke that's why she was

on the show well her Brooke Valentine yes they were thank god they were i love a pun they were but um i will say her baby hairs were not poor poor they were very like thriving yeah okay i mean you got your hair you got to be laid down if you're talking shit man your hair should look good if you're unemployed you know what i mean like always be ready for like a job to call just in case um what were we just talking about me being in a movie ah yes yes so i was in puerto rico for a month um shooting this movie

chick fight it's an independent film and i'm like the second lead in the movie okay number two on the call sheet number two on the call sheet wait three okay it don't matter the zeros is cute it's it she did okay um and so yeah we were down so it's like me malin ackerman bella thorne Alec Baldwin, Kevin Nash Oh wow you got names on there Alec Mapa, Fortune Femster Stun on us It was a lot of fun

Is there something Alec Baldwin is not doing right now? Hey that man is working He gotta feed all them damn kids He just had like another baby He's the white Eddie Murphy They still swimming Come on Michael Phelps so that's why

I had to cut my nails down because I had to learn I had to do all this fight choreography I had to fight somebody fight choreography but you seem like you can already

you seem like you already knew the moves sis I think anybody could throw some hands if you really had to nah I haven't been like in a bunch of

I feel like my wrist strength is not I don't work at all my words hurt but my fists they don't hurt my wrist is very loose and gay

my wrist I hear you gay wrist just very limp Just a very wet noodle. No, because I just had to, because my nails were too long for my fist to close.

So I had to get my nails cut down. You're a hood rat. Rat-da-da-da. Well, usually if you have long nails, you can't fight nobody. But that didn't stop anybody from a second generation suburb. Thank you so much.

Okay. No ghetto here, friend. Okay, work. Rat-da-da-da. No, we don't play that game. My mother worked very hard for me to speak this way. Okay.

but she named her Dulce Dulce Sloan listen do you have a middle name Lazaria Lazaria yes it's you Afro Latina but you're Afro Latina

stop it Dulce Lazaria Sloan wait why are you denying your roots friend cause my grandmother was from South Georgia and my grandfather

was from North Florida she was born by the river basically and then my father started from Oklahoma ain't no Latinos in Oklahoma

yeah they don't they don't go there They skipped that thing. Somebody had an affair with Maria, Maria. I hate that fucking song. Remind me of a what's that story. That song works. They sing that song to me every time I tell them my name is Marie.

That's hilarious. And it's like, but I didn't say. But it's not Maria. No. But they're like, Maria. And I'm like, it's Maria. People are ignorant. I hated that song.

I love that song. They played it all the fucking time. I was like, please turn it off. That whining ass nigga on that song drove me crazy. Maria, you know you're my lover. somebody hit him in the mouth oh he made me so mad well you make me so mad telling us that you're not afro-latina well say something in spanish to us about us yes what yeah say something in spanish about us or the podcast why do i have to do come on because you're speaking to spanish you

do i speak customer service spanish okay well that's fine let's see okay let's do a little role play say for spanish press 2 i had a dude tell me uh when i was working at a job he was like because he asked me if i was explaining a little bit he was like we can all speak spanish you just press two and i was like i don't know what the fuck you're talking about but that shit is hilarious no it's confusing because it's the thing i can tell you that i can't turn your lights back on uh that's right we love it so tell us that okay so wait you gotta do the call so because i would get i would work at the place and the thing would come and think and this is me and sydney at our house the fuck happened to the lights call them okay call it uh gracias por

llamar a Con Ed. Es dulce. ¿Cómo le puedo asistir? So, ain't no lights on in here. What's up? And we paid the bill! Did we pay the bill? Oh, sí, lo siento, señora. Entiendo, entiendo. ¿Cuál es la información de tu cuenta? Oh, yeah. How much is it?

Your account information. Oh. ¿El número de cuenta o tu nombre? Oh, my number. 917. What's your name? Nombre. I thought you said number. Oh, my God. Shut up

Sydney, Washington 917 Y tu numero de telefono 917 222 4424 Y su direccion Address

187 Don't give them your real address That's not my real address 187 Putnam Avenue Putnam Putnam. Okay. C-C-C-E.

What is that? C-C-C-E. I just called. I can't. Ha ha! Okay, get wild with me. Bitch, I just want you to put my fucking lights on. What's good?

What the problem is, hoe? Let me transfer you to... That's it? Oh, momento, senora. Let me transfer you. That's it? You're not going to get loud? I can't get loud.

I work here. I heard that when you're on a customer service call, when you start to curse they can hang up on you is that true when they curse at you you can hang up on them yes no i thought when the customer started cursing at you yeah you guys could hang up but it depends on where you work because some places you can't hang up no matter how they're talking to you oh which places variety uh they'd be on the phone with me yeah when i uh they stay now when i work a dick verizon now when i was a power company when people would start yelling and cussing i would put them on hold because i couldn't hang up but i could put them on hold

yeah so i go one moment please ma'am and i'd put them on hold until they hung up sometimes they oh they're mad enough they're not gonna hang up so i'd put them on hold and they're like why'd you put me on this is fuck one moment please and i'd put them on and i'd put them on hold until they calm the fuck down because usually if you put somebody on hold it's like okay i'm acting like an asshole because one lady i put her on hold and she was like okay you were right thank you so much and she calmed the fuck down but yeah how long did you have her on hold no a minute oh she wasn't really mad oh yeah but no but i put her on hold a couple times too i'll be listening to that whole music pissed off yeah as soon as they get back i'll be ready to be i'll be writing a sheet i'll

be like i'm gonna say that yeah oh yeah now some people just yell and then some because like we couldn't because our calls we were calling through they were calling through a computer and so it would delegate the calls to everybody so our supervisor could just tap into your computer and listen to any call of anybody at any time so they could always monitor us so they knew how long calls were how long it took us to answer the call um if we put someone on hold oh you were um you were sorry to bother you yeah it was a real it was a call call sir so they always knew how long you were on because they could say because i would and then they had like a dm system so i would be on a call and i would get an instant message from my supervisor saying you've been on this call too

long hang up how long is too long uh more than five minutes what oh wow yeah i'll be on the phone and not only did i was i expected your feet up on the couch just like well talk to me about what other opportunities you have available right so not only would the call have to be less than five minutes but i also was trying to they also wanted us to sell um warranties to people for like their water heater and like their electric system girl how long did you have this boring ass job oh i worked there for a couple months but the best way is the way i quit this job Let's talk about that. Let's talk, chat, chat.

Let's chat. So that job. So my favorite thing was like people would call into the Spanish line because the wait would be shorter. So one time this guy called into the Spanish line, and my greeting comes in Spanish, so he knows it's on a Spanish call. I know it's a Spanish call. And he calls in, and he goes, hey, you speak English?

And I was like, yes, sir, I do. He's like, yeah, I'm just trying to pay my bill. And on Mondays we had to work a 10-hour day, and we only got a 30-minute lunch break. what so only on monday that should be against the law in georgia it's not did you get two 30 minute breaks just no one 30 minute and you had to eat at your desk no they were like they had a lunch room but so i had been at work all fucking day and he was my last call so i was like fucking i'm gonna have fun with this book so so you speak english i was like yes sir i do i say

hey i'm trying to pay my bill don't make sure i don't turn my lights off i said sir well i do apologize but since you called the spanish line i have to conduct this call in spanish he was like oh y'all speak english i was like sir we're currently speaking english um but i'm sorry i have to do this in spanish he's like but i don't speak that shit i was like i hear you okay so then why did you press two because he just wants to hurry because he wanted because the wait was so long for the english sure but you don't speak spanish and so but the thing is the people who speak who use the spanish line we have to be able to do both calls you can't just

do only the spanish line right right so everybody knows that well now we know life hack okay hit the spanish thank you right don't say so he was like he's like you are not gonna help me i said sir okay go ahead give me your information right so the way i quit this job is a job i had before called me back and he wanted me to come back and we're gonna give me more money this job was that i used to work at a payroll deduction company okay whatever that means huh i said whatever that means yeah so this is one of those companies where it's say you wanted to buy a refrigerator but you didn't have the money to buy a refrigerator oh it's a loan what it would be is it was a benefit through your job so you know how you would get like health insurance through your job or some

places they give you like a discount for gym membership yeah yeah this was one of those places where if you made a certain amount of money you could buy certain things oh so say you wanted to buy a computer instead of you buying it on credit or getting a loan they would deduct like from your from your salary yeah from your salary every week every week or whatever your pay period oh that's what you like when you buy your phone when you like do the payment plan for your phone yeah exactly oh okay but what was fucked up if somebody quit their job we also couldn't get our stuff back oh because then we just have to send you to collections because it's because we did it all over the country and we did puerto rico and hawaii and alaska so if somebody got a washing machine

and then they left that job we can't roll up in your house to take this washing machine back because you live in fucking montana so if you got to take the washing machine back to sears or we use a collection sears yeah so it was okay okay so tell us about how you quit this show so what happened was so that job called me back they wanted to give me more money the job that i had at the power company if you didn't give them two weeks notice and they would cut your power off but what was fucked up was we were doing um customer service for a power company in florida but we couldn't tell people we were in georgia because they weren't because technically they weren't allowed to have any employees outside of the state of florida so okay every day we know

that when we call these niggas be in india yeah okay no but that was part of the contract is that they could only use americans for their call center so since we weren't allowed to say that we were in georgia every day they would give us the weather for lakeland florida where the office was at shady as fuck right what it's wild i've worked so many fucking jobs so if you don't give them two weeks notice instead of paying you ten dollars an hour they would pay you 775 which is minimum wage right so i go to start so i was talking to my mom i said what should i do she said okay listen on monday tell them your car like tell them you can't come in like you're sick or something she's like and go back to that job if you don't like it then go back to the power company

because my mama has pulled all kind of stuff with these jobs because people were like quit a job and you go to another job you don't like that job now you ain't got no job so what I did was I went to that job on Monday because I was telling my supervisor all about this and she was like looks like the lord done blessed you girl because Miss Donna

didn't give a fuck we came back one time two hours late from lunch and was very drunk on margaritas and she was like y'all gonna do me like this we like we sorry Miss Donna she's like alright hurry up so Donna didn't give a fuck right two hour lunch oh yeah drunk on margaritas you didn't bring her a spicy marg or nothing we couldn't get a spicy margarita

for Donna in a paper cup not out of Chili's they was paying too much attention so Chili's I start on Monday I call them and I say hey I'm having car trouble I'm not going to be able to come in today but I've already started the other job I know that

my check hits Wednesday night at midnight so Tuesday I call in and they're like Tulsa where you at I was like um the mechanic said he's waiting for a part i still can't come i was like i'm not near the bus line i can't get in i don't i'm sorry near the bus line and i and i was very much near a bus line bus was very close to my apartment so i was like i can't come in i'm sorry and so they call him in and so the dude's calling me back he's like listen we need the mechanic to fax us

this paperwork saying that you get your car fixed i said okay the doctors know right i said okay absolutely what's the fax number i take the fax number down i'm on my phone why am i i'm not taking a fax number down i don't have a fax machine also this doesn't exist right so i take the fax number down he's like okay well we need it and i was like okay sure i'll let him know i'll let him know wednesday morning they call me don't say we haven't gotten the fax i'm so sorry i'm so i will call him i'll figure this out i know my check hits at midnight right just playing this game so i can get my ten dollar an hour checking out of 775 right don't say oh my mama told me so you didn't go monday didn't go tuesday supposed to get paid wednesday at midnight did you go to

work on wednesday absolutely not because i was already at another job oh now i get it right because i started the other job on monday right because this job paid me more so and how much more a dollar and let's send me a dollar more in hours a lot technically and i suppose right but i didn't have to deal with the 40 extra dollars a week it's right and i didn't have to deal with that bullshit of working at the fucking power company i don't people crying and cussing me off the phone all the fucking time it's a totally different campaign these people are calling to get computers refrigerators and shit i got some instead of somebody going please my parents like a woman called and said that her parents were on life support and we had turned her

fucking lights off so now lying no no no no no no no it was notated on her account and those people you're not allowed by florida state law you can't cut their lights off because there's people on actual life support and a fucking shit two elderly parents so i don't want to deal with that bullshit anymore okay well how do i get on that list how do i get on the free the the life support uh power list um i think a doctor has to tell the state of new york's got it got us in the facts so they're calling they're blowing up my phone on wednesday i'm sorry i'll get in touch with him i'm so sorry i'm so sorry they're like calling we need this fax right hits on wednesday night they call me on thursday i don't answer the phone because i check my account my money's in

there so thursday the lady from the temp agency calls me and she leaves me a message she goes hey don't say this is lauren from ranstad um ranstad oh yeah i am no longer i'm flagged i can no longer work for them ever again oh yeah me neither i got fired from my job well because the way i left so she leaves me this mess she's like hey don't say it's lauren from rastan um just calling to see what's going on and if the car is okay if you're going to be coming in or you got another job and told us that your car didn't work so you didn't get paid seven dollars an hour but she had a Kaiser moment in the fucking message she figured out what happened

in the middle of the fucking message and she goes or you got another job and you didn't want us to pay you $7.75 so you didn't tell us you got another job because you didn't give us two weeks notice but if that didn't happen call me back like that was the fucking message she left me okay if I could have kept a voicemail that would have been clutch

that would have been perfect AT&T deletes it after fucking 14 days I can never get that podcast oh AT&T deletes voicemails no they don't After you listen to it, they would delete it after 14 days. Well, this was supposed to be the old phones. This was also 2010. Yes, yes.

This is like a flip. This is a Motorola Razr. Yeah, so they kept calling me, and I didn't call back. And so I got a message later. It was like, well, you know, you can no longer work for Randstad. And I was like, cool. You're like, I don't. I don't.

I don't. I know I worked for Office Team. Office Team. I fucking care. But can they, like, look up where you at, and they could just call them and be like, hey, this is what you do? No, no. they don't know my new job is oh you can't search by somebody so you can be like you think she

blacklisted from getting a job now oh in 2020 i had somebody call me about a temp job and a woman would not get off i was like ma'am i'm not interested about a customer service job in georgia and i was already in la working and she was like i was like i'm not interested she's like well you're no longer in the job market i said no ma'am i'm no longer in the job market i don't need this job thank you so much i'm fun employed right i'm fun employed i'm working and she would not get the fuck off my phone is this when you were at the daily show uh no this is when i was all right this is when i was in la working before i got daily show and this bitch was not get off my phone and she's just like i just want to make sure i know take care of your account to see why

you're not available and i was like you know what google me oh and i'll tell you why i'm not on a tailor moment i kind of did you said google me i said google me where were you working but i because i've done like comedy knockout a bunch of fucking times i've done all this like i've done so much for true tv that she was like okay and i heard and she was like what okay thank you and then i heard her typing and shit and she was like thank you so much for your time we'll take you off our account yeah but they were blunt she was because she would knock it off the fucking phone couldn't you just hang up i love a good hang up i do love which is why i miss landlines because you could slam a phone or flip phone you could just poop but this is different i found out when i set up

my internet for verizon those fuckers gave me a landline number oh and i was like i don't need this so you were so you're paying for internet and phone well they're saying because of the internet you have to have the phone line i was like this is the future what are you talking about right but you live in don't you live in queens you should have a landline my neighbors do have a very loud landline and i'd be like ring it's so loud like i'm gonna go answer your phone please you knock on the wall i don't but i want to you i'm i'm raised better than that but i want to go your granddaughter's looking for you answer your fucking phone ring that phone be so loud they'll say you're such a storyteller you

know that i do enjoy telling a tale yeah when you're when we're at the diner together you're like you get a smack hype because we're like okay the story is coming listen but that's like i don't know if it's like a southern thing yeah maybe that i think it's a southern it could be a dulce thing it could be a dulce thing but like telling it like being able to tell like a good story okay well sis tell us a good story maybe maybe about a journey that you took or maybe about a date gone wrong or i could tell you what happened to me um girl it was okay because you the way that you're excited listeners don't know but she's got her hand out yeah she's like go go go literally she's waving it down she's letting you know oh it's gonna be good well it's ridiculous okay so

it was after the um wrap party for the movie that i did in puerto rico okay that's done on us bring it back keep going also my skin looks so good my lips were so full i'm not supposed to be here i looked gorgeous when i came back so this is not the climate meant for me and got it got it got it got it got it got it and so so we're leaving the wrap party because there wasn't any food and so we're like okay we'll go down the street there's a sushi place we go down there got it And very good sushi in Puerto Rico. Why? Because they fry a lot of these rolls.

And I'm a big fan of a deep fried sushi roll. Fun fact. Black people love fried foods. If you didn't know. And when we love sushi, it's because it's usually cooked fish. That's the Afro in you. Thank you. Not the Latina.

All of that. The Latina was ordering in Spanish in Puerto Rico. Okay, baby. I left that up to my friends. Okay. So we get to this restaurant. And I walk in. And I see that there's a ceiling tile that is bulging with water.

Like literally just a nipple on the ceiling because I didn't notice until I walked by to sit next to my friend. And the biggest drop of water just just slapped me in the today and the today on my on my right. The water was a breast, man. What do you want? I mean, I hear you because there was a full nipple on the ceiling. So then why sit under the titty, sis? I didn't. OK, but I was walking because I didn't notice it because I don't usually look up when I'm walking in restaurants.

That's true. Right. So I feel a drop of water. What? Something's amiss. i look up full c cup full b cup of a nipple on this fucking ceiling tile dripping water right so i come in and my friends with me and he's like okay don't sit there i'll sit there so he's near the drip i'm not who is this man oh uh one of the pas on the movie more importantly he's supposed

to sit there yes more importantly how good was how good was the food that y'all were like crumbling ceiling well there was nowhere else to sit could you have gone somewhere else yeah another restaurant? Nope, right. Perhaps. Y'all just filmed a movie. It was really late though because we just left

a wrap party. So we had to just find places that were like open. Okay. Because it's like one in the fucking morning. Yes, you could have gone to like a subway

with some Nigerian guys. Make it work. Shut up, Murray. They usually got like taco trucks out there. No, they don't. It's Puerto Rico. So they have taco houses.

Shut up. It's not a taco vendor or anything like that? Like a hut? Taco hut. taco hut this is not a taco place this is puerto rico it's mexico it's not a sushi place and yet here we are here we are right so how dare you come for us i'm just giving you the information acting like we're not cultured i'm not saying our cultured como se dice audacity in spanish yeah

yo no se so i was like yo no okay i was gonna write that down too como se dice you got nerve yeah nerve also yo no se so those are slang terms so there could be a different way to say it in Spanish and depending on what country you're in it could be completely different you gotta say it with a lisp if you're in Spain yeah and Cuba they got that lisp shit

abiza and I'm like so y'all wanted to make a king feel so good about himself that for generations you motherfuckers had a lisp they still do it sis they still do it so what anyway continue

you so so the PA is under the titty so yes my friend Jose is underneath uh the ceiling titty and we walk in and I'm just look up and I was like oh this ceiling's gonna cave in and that's all I said I was like oh this is a problem the ceiling's gonna cave in I got the giant drop of water on the titties oh my god you said I'm not gonna sit there so I'm fine right so I'm not gonna sit there I'm good I'm off to the side ceiling titty near Jose I should be good right yes so 30 minutes go by I get my food and I had all this per diem that they had given us because you know it's american money in puerto rico so i was like you know living like a king just living like a king and there was like hey like uh how much was the per diem oh fuck we had

gotten like per diem like every week so i had like a bunch of money and a number i don't know like six seven hundred eight hundred dollars per day a week no not per week it depended on what the working week was i don't know what the rate was per day i just know by the end of the movie i had like six hundred dollars saved up because i was i wasn't spending a month well i mean when you think about it that's yeah six seven dollars a month yeah yeah for food for the month yeah right and then i would eat on set and then when we would go out other people would pay right right right that's how you do for life hack right so i just had i'm like you had money yeah so so you were paying for everybody well i was going to because it was like there was like because i was like i

got all this per diem yep and you with the pas right well i'm like no they're not making no money okay with one pa and then with a wardrobe makeup hair yeah all those people not trying to pull their card out nope okay i'm talking about wardrobe heads okay oh okay thank you head of wardrobe head of makeup head of hair right she said i wasn't head and shoulders but there was a pa there named jose yeah okay right so we're sitting i was saying i don't think i was like okay i got some per diems let me pay for dinner okay that's right but you didn't say it up top because when you tell people you're paying for them up top they order real crazy they're like I'm going to get a lobster dragon roll.

I'm going to get a rainbow this. They live how they live. And I knew I was like, you know what? Let me just get it. But you didn't tell them you were paying. I didn't even think about it until I sat down. Got it. Because I wouldn't pay attention when anybody was ordering.

I was like, you know what? I'm going to get this. And as I finish this thought, I'm going to get dinner. I'm going to pay for dinner. It's going to be, you know, when last night's here. It'll be fine. Something hits me in my head. Was it Jose?

It was the ceiling. oh and most of it hit jose so all of that hit me was literally bouncing off of him fuck and then so and my food was delicious you had already ate it and i was in the middle of eating my food and now it is covered in ceiling tile my glass is knocked off the table it broke margarita was gone i had a nice tea uh um different and a hot tea okay um are the wardrobe head who was sitting on so like basically like so jose was where you are i'm here he is here ceiling tile falls on him and then just comes across the whole table hits kia i've got ceiling tile down my shirt all this other shit just no there was no water

because all the water went straight down i just got hit with tile so jose drowning in the corner so yes i got hit with ceiling like my head i was like oh my god so i'm like what the fuck and then i stood up and i'm just like i am now the owner of this restaurant work and then that's the latina in her that's the black that's the black that's the black because then the waiter looked at me like what and i was like soy la dueña de este restaurante i was like i'm now yelling soy la dueña de la restaurante i am now the fucking owner of this restaurant heard you that's a good sentence for us to know i was i was so he was like what do you i was like he's like well do you want another raw i was like i don't want anything else from here i want to leave

i mean if the if the dining room looked is what what did the kitchen ceiling look like i don't know honestly it was girl you had tile and your fucking and my afro because thank god that hair spicy tuna roll girl it was asbestos in that roll it was all asbestos and my nice fried shrimp little roll i had going on so then omar who uh did my hair for the movie he came up to me i was like omar are you that man he's like oh mika you have all of this in your hair and he's just pulling stealing tile pieces out of my ass so how what percentage were you through with your food 50 60 was like was it i still had at least 75 of my food left oh that sucks i was mad as shit and i was hungry too because it's good it was good and i had some you know when you're

like saving like a last little cheesy piece or a last like flavorful piece for last and somebody eats it or it falls you know what that feels like yes now imagine that be the whole plate the whole plate girl wait were the other people okay they were actually hit no yeah jose got a whole bunch oh wow are you asking real questions you're talking about your hair i'm sorry no no there was like ceiling tile down my shirt no jose was fine but he was just so like jarred by the situation and i was like because when we got up i was like are you okay and he was like you said the ceiling was kind of far and then it fell i was like so he's blaming it on you no no no

he was just I was like he said that's that Santeria y'all niggas ain't shit and I was like what are you talking about he was just like

I was like yeah I could look at the ceiling and tell it was gonna fucking cave in and soak him wet I just didn't think it would happen while I was sitting

at the table 30 minutes after I said it sis I would've I would've held my food in my lap listen my lap wasn't safe either we gonna eat at the bar

I would've had to be at the fucking side of the table is there anything outside y'all got anything in the back so y'all didn't have to pay right

absolutely not okay absolutely absolutely fucking not because then i'm standing outside like just trying to get like fucking stealing towel out of my titties and shit and i said somebody's kink somebody could have been like i love this you missed an opportunity to meet a little man all i know is medico and this other nigga didn't give a fuck so that was that was the missed opportunity because y'all just like i just there was no one well maybe there was a little bit of woman i don't know but that's not happening say anything don't say you've never been with a woman before no do you want to be even like no you didn't even let a little makeout happen listen

i love man's like you don't see their arms and they warms the back yo i know some i know some women from the west side they got arms just like but there's you talking about some some wmba what are you doing right now do you like basketball no i'm playing this is what we do every i love it this is what we do um no i don't know you've never been with a man yeah of course she has i don't know if she was a gold star or not no you can tell by my shoulders i used to suck dick i don't are these dicks sucking shoulders look how tiny they are you know that's because i was doing it a lot what sucking dick gives you slim shoulders that's not true

that's a workout that's absolutely not true no chicken chicken chicken head well wait didn't that make

your neck strong then when you have a strong neck yeah it's more neck than shoulders yeah if your shoulders are involved I don't know what's Cindy Harlem Shake

I would do the Harlem Shake when I was giving head breathe stretch shake let it go I would let the dick go on that I'm done

and then one day you're just like no mas all right they'll say somebody might come out and turn you out i don't appreciate that what i'm just giving you options what is your type anything anything that's alive don't do that i mean don't do that on the record just tell people what your type is because we got people listening okay for the record my type is one employed and when i say i mean career don't you can't just have a job i have a fucking career also so you I just want him to have a job in the face. So Cindy said anybody. No, no, not done.

That's classes. It's very much classes. I'm not broke. Since you're not here for the homeless community. Come on, girl. You know, the homeless community. That dusty dick. This does not feel like a safe space.

That dusty dick lay it down, hun. This does not feel like. Let that dusty dick break your back, sis. Yeah, girl. You have a long day at your career. You come back with some dusty dick. Career dick is giving you whatevs. Like, I've been working all day, too.

Nine to five dick is lazy. Yeah, you need that dusty dick that hasn't been doing shit all day. But live in a box dick? Oh, cool, man. That's literally one of my jokes. They throw the dick just in you. That's literally a joke. I literally was talking about fucking broke dudes.

I didn't even know that. See? So you know it's the best. Right, but I can't. Yeah, that's good. You're saying you can't bring him to a work event. I can't marry this motherfucker. I can't marry broke.

That's true. No, no, no. You can't marry broke. You can bang broke, but you can't marry broke. Okay, so employed, career. career. What does he look like? Rude. Okay, you can fuck the poor if you want to. How about you convert them?

Sydney's a missionary. This is Soup Kitchen, sis. I'm here to help. Convert them to the employed. I am Mother Teresa of the Pumkash. Princess Diana of the Pumkash. Oh my God. Neither one of those women needed this.

Listen, they would make a beanie baby of Sydney if they could. Absolute. Absolute. Sydney Bear. It'd be the skinniest bear anyone has ever seen But the shoulders would be strong And the pussy would be wide open It'd be a whet It'd be a strong neck

It'd be a licky faucet Soaking wet She leaking Soaking wet They yelled that part of that song Where do you see my dick That song was just weird So you want them employed

with a career because we got to be equally yoked because I can't be fucking with the poor what do they look like I do like my man's as tall because I'm 5'4 okay if they're a celebrity who would a celebrity look like give me skin tone sis

what's the complexion looking like I'm very wide with that so Sydney was right anybody I'm equal opportunity employer but I have been trying to I've been You're trying to lean to more of the browns and the blacks. Afro-Latinos. You've been trying to lean to them.

Yeah. Brown, so Indian? No. Oh, damn, sis. You're not here for Aladdin in them? No. For Agrabah Princess? Wait, Aladdin is not Indian.

That's Middle Eastern. So when I say Indian, I mean all of them. Okay, that's just ignorant. Well, she stands in her truth. I stand in my black ass truth. Now, I'm going to tell you as far as fuck. Them Sikhs, them niggas are gorgeous. Okay, you just want to ruin a rich bitch.

You know who fine as fuck them Sikhs. Them niggas are fine. You never heard of that. What? Wow, that was aggressive. A Sikh. No. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God. Them niggas is gorgeous. So well manicured. When the last time you been with a Sikh? Girl, they be everywhere. Andrew, when's the last time? That's not who you be saying. I thought it was Sheiks.

It's Sikhs? No, a Sikh is something different than a Sikh. Okay, well, let me seek what a Sikh is on the Google list right now. Because I thought it was something. I thought it was a Sikh. Damn, niggas. How you spell Sikh? S-I-K-H

You didn't see that wedding video of the men coming and dancing and it was killing the shit. No, I gotta find it. Okay, okay, okay. So you like a Sikh. Let me see. Okay.

Since I said Aladdin, you could have said yes. Okay, that's a different campaign. Ignorant. I feel like Aladdin had a little turban on. No, bitch. That's a different campaign.

Rude. That's religious because the men cover their head. You know how like Muslim women wear a hijab? The men cover their head. Help her, Disney. I hear what you're saying,

but so you want a Sikh. You're seeking a Sikh. I don't know what they pray to, so I don't know. All I know is, is that I just want something like nice, like a browning, like a tan. I don't mind a beard as long as you keep your face clean. Well, with that, you know. Coronavirus, shave that bitch.

Coronavirus, yeah. I know. And a ginger ale strong enough to stop that. A ginger ale? Yo, you're so blessed. That's the afro in you. A ginger ale stops coronavirus. That is definitely the afro in you.

Which is not a thing. Okay. I only have the, well, we did do the thing, like, you know, a little DNA test. My brother did his. What is it? so it's black white and just a Native American my mother did hers

what where but this is a distant ancestor you said her Sydney just around the river this bitch my mother did hers and she had black white Native American and then Pakistan India Burma area so we don't know who the fuck that is

cause it was like far far far far far far I see the Native American in your forehead or what if it's just black no I see the Native American and your skin tone too you got like red undertones right cause you know you got high cheekbones I got high cheekbones you got high cheekbones

so we can just leave that as blackness that's just slavery all over the place but my lips are too small I can say that well that's the white tip you got the bottom lip well that's the afro the top is the latina that's what it is there's no latina

that's the pakistanian the bottom lip is dominican I've been cheated. I've been cheated. The bottom lip is Haitian. Top lip is Dominican. Yeah. I'm broke.

I asked my mother the other day why her lips were bigger than mine. She's like, well, we got different parents. And it's. Well, what's your dad's lips look like? Are the lips smaller in Oklahoma? They're niggas, so they got full lips. Niggas. I don't know.

We still don't know what your type is. It's Sikh, I guess. Sikh. They're gorgeous. Are they listening? Is there any Sikhs listening? You know, like a black man, Latino. Like, I'm trying to get, like, in the blacks.

Do you like big bodies? Do you like slim bodies? I try. I like a fuller man. Okay. Fluffy man. Not fluffy. Okay.

We can't both be big. Okay, so buff. Oh, so they have to be in shape with abs. No. No, I don't like abs. You don't like abs? You don't? Oh, well, girl.

I'm not saying I love abs. I'm saying that if a man is very muscular, he's very heavy. Like, if he works out a lot. Well, yes, because muscle weighs more than fat. Yes. So if a dude's real muscular, you can't breathe. Because I've been with dudes who have been in very good shape. Oh, so you were a missionary, bitch.

Oh, I do all of the things. But if it's missionary. Are you sure you don't be on top? I feel like you want to be on top. I have to. I feel like you're in charge, you know? No, I don't want to be in charge all the fucking time. Okay, so in the bedroom, you're more submissive then.

Yes, because I don't want to. I'm not trying to run no man. Oh, you just want to take it. Yes. I'm running my own fucking life. She's a boss at work. Let me hear a little something. What is wrong with you?

Stop asking people to do that. I had a long day at work. I'm just going to lay here. Oh, no. I am not a pillow queen. No. Oh, you're not a pillow queen? No, no, no.

I work. I work. I'm going to get up with titties in my face. No, titties in your face. I'm going to lay on my side type person. I do all of the... Listen, if you showed up, we're going to work. Because I don't know if I'll ever see you again.

We're going to work. Wow. What you mean? Well, not with that attitude. You're a queen of one night stands? I'm not a queen of one night stands, but I don't happen to catch it very often. So when I do catch it, I got to do it.

Because you're busy. You booked. You on planes every day. No, because they can stop talking to me. Men do not approach me. Okay, let's talk about it. This is what we need to chat about, okay? And you took 58 minutes to get to this.

Yeah, we got 10 minutes on the clock, sis. Let's get into it. Let's talk about why these raggedy-ass men ain't approaching us. Yeah, yeah. Because we're intimidating. Yes, I've heard that. Marie, what?

You just had a date last night. Yes, yes, yes, yes. but it took him six years to approach me, sis. Six years? I mean, basically. Why did you even? Oh, listen, you got to show up when it can. Listen, your man could be making your sandwich right now.

He might be working at the bodega. Oh, no, he's not. My man's not working at the bodega. That's a career, sis. No, he can own a bodega. That's a job. He's owning. Sydney, I got to go.

This nigga's a sandwich artist? Yes, a sandwich artist. Absolutely not. He owns the building, but he likes to get his hands dirty. I need proof. She owns the building. Oh, since you need to see, you need to see papers.

I need a lease. I need a title. I need a mortgage. Don't say that's why these niggas not coming up to you. You asking for too much. You asking for, like, you asking for credit.

You asking for first month security. How am I asking for too much for a nigga to have their hair wrapped? No, I need someone who's at least at my level. Why the fuck do I have to go down? Okay, you don't have to go down. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Don't go down. Hold on. Wait, tell the listeners what your level is. my bitch i'm on tv come on get out of here that needs to be merch bitch i'm on tv merch like some kind of gas do you have roommates bitch i'm on tv no do you have roommates the fuck do i look like having someone else live here i love when i go to the bathroom it's just me and this bitch shut up butt naked at all door open of course it's my house areolas out on the sink

Hey, I wear a house dress, so I'm not out here. Oh, that's boo. I'm very Southern. I love a house dress. Come on. You love a sip and see? Phaedra? Come on.

Dulce, what about the neighbors? We want to see you walk into the refrigerator just bare. You won't see any of that. My curtains stay closed. Oh, that's wild. Damn, my curtains are sheer and they don't even. Boo, Dulce. No, I got blinds.

Have fun. Listen. This is why people ain't approaching you. You're not putting yourself out there. Maria, that's not fucking. That's her window wide open. Walk by, see her ass crack every day. Window open, cooch open.

What floor do you live on? The second floor. Second floor. I've seen her. I've been behind a tree just looking. Watching her get changed. You're going to let your young Harvey Weinstein live? Absolutely.

This is an attractive Weinstein. Exactly. The original is ugly. God, every time I saw him, I'm like, who let this happen? Everybody. Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?

Who? Who? Who let the dogs out? that's not going in the playlist but you know what I didn't have a female comic ask me one time she was like so do you deal with like a guy because I had a girl ask me if like because some dude

hit her up and said that she had to sleep with him to be on a show I said a show a show a bar show huh a comedy show that's what these sisters always do a comedy show at a location I was like bitch not a tour no she had to sleep with him

sorry he asked her this and she was like absolutely not how bad is his dick that he has to tell women that yeah or how desperate are some of these people or how are some people that they would agree to this bullshit how bad are these sets what state was this in this was in atlanta laughing school right all right no this was no this was the urban rooms that wasn't that um what no nah listen i'm performing for a plate of food i'm not i'm not fit to sleep with nobody to do a room at jr crickets okay um jr i'm not fucking for wings i'll tell you that i'm all hot wings you're not spreading them things for wings you're not spreading them gams for wings no the lemon pepper wings no i'm hot lemon peppers right but girls have asked me you know it's they

asked me do i deal with a lot of the uh like harassment or like highly sexual male gays right I'm like no I'm not a girl these people want to fuck so I just get to you that's a lie Dulce I'm telling you right now Dulce you are a you are a type people I see I see when you twerk I see when you talk you are a stage you

command you are people's type you are I just haven't met them yet so I mean you live in Queens yes and you always in a car bitch take public transportation but if I'm on public transportation with somebody who has to take public transportation they don't have to though you don't have to either yeah but get on there

don't have to get on the train since you need to interact with your community yeah but you also understand the train makes me so anxious and i hate this okay hold on don't say let me tell you let me tell you what you need to do you need to well okay you need to get out of queens get on the train see somebody that you like and be like hey you want to get in my uber x and boom there you go okay i don't approach man no because i can tell you listen it's you said i am some people's type right yeah girl i can't help people like you right but i don't know who that is so i can't be hollering at some random man because how sad is this it's about what about your type don't put the ball in their court that's not what i'm saying what you want let me finish these niggas

let me say this start getting the uber x and he's like no i'm good now i'm just sad in this fucking and then get off then you just said you stealing a car yeah yeah and this is what This man is just walking. This man chose to walk. You just roll your window down. To get in the car with me. You tell the driver to slow down. He says, slow down, slow down, pull over.

And you say, you going my way, daddy? And you say, where you headed? And he says, I'm going to work. And you say, you should have your back to me. Like, you work on commission? Big mistake. Huge. You pretty woman, that nigga.

But also, like, these men are dumb. And I say this, I say this, like, with love. But, like, from the bottom of my heart, these men are stupid. stupid they don't know nothing they sometimes they don't know what their type is yeah sometimes you let them know that you they type right sometimes you approach that i've done that i've done the i've done the i'm standing here to get you but i'm not just like hey man let's go it just depends well don't say hey man let's go like this he's not a dog but you know sometimes you just gotta yes sometimes you just gotta talk to them and then they like see you and they're like

oh oh there's definitely a time I've been talking to dudes and they've been like oh my god I would never because I had a dude

say like I am not usually which is so unnecessary keep it in your head sir right but it's like oh I'm not usually

attracted to women who look like you but you're and I'm just like you didn't need any of the beginning of that sentence you needed the

latter part of the sentence send your picture to us so we can post it on the fucking page yeah and if you follow the rules or like her criteria

slide in our DMs and then we'll sift through these niggas and we'll send them your way. We've had men on this podcast that had models sliding their DMs from this podcast. And be like, I want to go on a date. We have premium listeners.

Premium. Premium pussy. And I feel like it's got to be some premium penis as well. I do have premium pussy, but what Maria was saying is that men have said to me they think I'm intimidating, but it's by me being a comic or me being on the Daily Show. So just my job has

nothing to do with me. That being said, intimidate that being said every male comic that we know has had a female slide in his dm to come up to him after a show to talk to him and them niggas ain't got no credit they ain't got no they got roommates but that's no credits and some of them some of them missing teeth we've seen plenty of women fuck these comics and it's always very confusing like when i see one of my fucker get up and i'm like i'm just in the like i'm in the back going this motherfucker's a girlfriend yeah you have 15 roommates and some bitches showing up to be 16 you have a sheet as a door but okay but some bitches showing up to get dropped off in okay your air mattress looks like

a crumbled up piece of paper look like a yoga mat but somebody got on that somebody got on that with you yeah mattress on the floor directly no frame no frame no nothing no box frame twin mattress on the floor no shade no sheet and i'm like how pressed are these women in new york it's not just new york though women all over the world all over the country anyway yeah they see they see somebody perform they like it they go after it press press press press press that's what they know i've had comics tell me like i had a comic tell me it was like after a show like because he would headline after a show there was a 45 minute window for him to hook up from with a chick who had come to the show 45 minute window if he doesn't catch a bitch after 45 minutes he's not

fucking anybody at night so some of these dudes have a science to this shit okay let's get the mathematics together right yes come on i got my abacus in my purse we'll figure these numbers out but what i can tell you is that single men do not come to comedy shows with a voice a bunch of men that's not true that's not true i have toured so much and i'm telling you i mean it'd be single people at the knitting factory no they're singing no that's a different situation what's the situation the knitting factor is more like a bar situation i'm talking about clubs i'm usually in clubs heard you drag us oh yeah oh we just bar bitches yeah okay bar bitches yeah we heard you don't say listen in the words of my people a kick dog will holler i said nothing to offend your

lifestyles you said i'm talking about clubs i'll be in the club i'm saying when i headline a comedy club there's a there's no one coming up to me afterwards maybe you should stop headlining maybe you should be in the bar since you trying to get eight out or not you want to be happy you want to be rich pick one yeah you want your back blown out or you just want to have a back what do you want

a lonely back yes a lonely back or a broken back listen I have good health care so I can get it fixed if it gets broken exactly so I've got SAG insurance I'll be fine so why don't you just y'all are acting like all of this is fucking me I can tell you

Stop headlining at the Dead Crow I've never headlined at the Dead Crow Stop doing movies in Puerto Rico Get out of those films People swore I was going to pull a nigga in Puerto Rico As busy as I was I never saw anybody As busy as I was You see the way you're speaking on here

There's a nigga right now that's quivering Well I was going to talk to her but she's so busy She's so busy That's not my problem It is your problem It's your problem because he's still having sex Exactly when's the last time

somebody has popped that top popped that thing two weeks ago you don't need no no no you don't need that you don't

no you want a regular dude right cause this is a dude I had known from Atlanta who I this is a TBT

right this is a throwback dick but you need a good TBT like in the mix I need you're too busy for what you want you want consistent dick

but then they see you on the road and they're like well what about me what about me okay no So Monday through Thursday, I am in New York.

Oh, I don't know. That's what the schedule is. So Monday through Thursday, you should be getting some dick beat. Yes, I should be. At least Tuesday. At least. You should be with a dude that's just like hitting his Timbs together. Just like clapping his hands.

And they keeping their white socks on. They keeping their wife beater on, but they put it in their mouth and they just like hold it. You know what? I will not be. I will not be harassed. I will not be made fun of. We're not making fun of you. We're trying to help, bitch.

This don't sound like help, you bitches. No, no, no, no. No, because men are intimidated by me, too. But that's because you're mean, Marie. Oh, wow. Let's talk about that. Let's chat. Yeah.

Let's chat later. Yeah. She's not even inviting us to things, they'll say. Marie is, what, 5'3"? She is hurting niggas' feelings on a daily basis. And yet people, every once in a while, will slide in my DMs from the knit or whatever. Hey, I have a bit of a crush on you.

I'd be like ew you watched me perform you saw what I was talking about why didn't you just come up to me after the show why did you wait for the DM? I'm not responding to that DM. I don't feel sorry for any of y'all. I don't feel bad for that girl I don't have people slide in my DMs but it's just like sorry one your kids are as old as I am

and I mean well that's somebody with a career sis I want to have my own children girl dad girl dad stop it yo i didn't know we were still selling chryslers that's what i didn't know selling chryslers

this thing is out here my age like my mother's age trying to talk to me out here selling strong crisis in detroit sir i can't not do this i can't help you well i mean the dude in detroit might be rich sis you only need 12 to buy a house in detroit listen why don't we all just buy a house because we don't want to live in destroy you don't have to live there you just own the property yeah but who gonna how we gonna we not gonna airbnb it who's gonna go to detroit to stay there listen when these white folks come in and try to gentrify shit they got to pay you because what they do is they find a dilapidated area and then all of a sudden they put a thai restaurant in it and then they all show up asian fusion right they put a thai restaurant in it it's the bat signal of white

folks right we got thai and then they show the fuck up they throw in a sprouts and then nobody can afford to live there look this is all that i mean i'm gonna say i think i agree with sydney you should put yourself out there more so people will see you if you're what does put myself out there i mean because i've heard that before what does that mean okay so like like if there's stuff and you know we we fun employed too sis it's you know we should go on a trip it's about to it's about to be oh sis you you flew flew it out you flying everybody out yeah okay calm down well sis we bar bitches what are you how are we gonna go how are we gonna go bitches in miami and ain't nobody calling me sis sis our tickets were like $69 $72

were we on spirit no just know we doing bar things we on a bar budget nigga we not headlining in Atlanta we flow like JetBlue or something JetBlue is nice sure sure sure but it's Miami sis it's very cute Miami is cheap we did it we came back

that's why niggas went to Miami all the time yes yes yes yes but I don't remember what I was saying you were trying to explain to me what uh oh I was saying put yourself out there like do things because if you're okay look if this is what first of all stop hanging out with comedians if this is what your day is if it's wake up

Jump in a car, go to work, jump in a car, go to a show, jump in a car, go home. The only people you meet is Uber drivers and comedians and people you work with. Yeah. If you're not doing that, if you're not doing things like more social things like, oh, I took a I took a class at this place where I walked to the muffin plate. Like you meet people when you're out and about. You're not going to meet people sitting in your car. No. Even if you don't want to get on the train, like maybe take a train one stop or like get in, get out. with this coronavirus I'm supposed to be getting

on this disease box oh so say you wanna have so you just wanna so you don't wanna have no diseases but you wanna be lonely you think Uber drivers you can have coronavirus

and a nigga you think Uber drivers can't get coronavirus oh I'm fully sure that they can't okay cause people jump in and out of that

and they're traveling the world so you're probably gonna get coronavirus in an Uber fest and you get it on a train it's true okay I cannot handle

by yourself you heard that science you're gonna be lonely you're gonna be lonely with the sniffles you know what I'm buying that up

in the name of Jesus quit saying I'm gonna be lonely if you think you're lonely Wait until tonight Wait for the beat Wait until tonight Girl You won't have to be lonely if you were into girls

Cause I'm here Is he hitting on me? It's her and Damo All the fucking time Sydney You be on this podcast complaining about not being able to find no women Don't say What? What?

Right here What? You know what's so funny Is if you were a man There would be someone Typing an angry email right now How dare they treat her like that And I was like

I wish more people Would treat me like that We're gals We're having fun Let's just run through Everybody in the studio Where they meet people Where you can meet people

That's not on an app Andrew where are you Meeting people Oh don't start with me Start with Sydney Sydney where Her lips got real tight I know, we're all like, ah.

I meet them on the pod. Oh, but you're holding my hand, though. Because I'm a nice person. But I do say, like, I like a taller, I would say, I like a taller man. Educated. And when I say educated, I mean, you know, some good book learning. You can read and you read. Read.

So a little bit gay. Oh, no, not that read. Like, read, you can read, but you also read books. Oh, like, they be having, like, books on the shelf in the house they read? Yeah. Oh, that'd be nice. I don't do that. I'll read subtitles.

Okay, Parasite. Okay, Parasite. Come on through. I have to watch that. I have to watch that because I do watch a Korean drama. Yes, we know. Okay, Tall, Ken Reed.

Has most of his teeth? I'm a tooth person. Listen, if you're missing a molar, I can't say nothing, but you got to have all the show teeth. Yes, yes, yes. The starting five. The starting five.

I want a whole lineup. Got to have an offensive line as well. Let's see. Okay, so Tall with his teeth. employed has to be nice has to be intelligent okay you sound like you want a lot he needs to be nice and smart men can't be both of those things they're either smart and mean or they're nice and stupid and you want him to be you want him to be nice smart and tall taller than me you okay so since five six this you tall i'm five four with your hair and stuff

And them titties, sis, you 5'11". Sitting, yeah. Sis. With these titties and this hair, I do. But I have a presence. Exactly, sis. Oh, yeah, them titties is out. Thank you.

That's the presence. See, and that's what I'm saying. We talking about being, like, you know, put myself out there. These titties are always out there. The titties be in a car. Okay, but Dulce, you stay in the jegging. Okay? You stay in the jegging.

No, not jegging. Legging. Oh, legging. Legging. Well, it's always like, okay, well, Dulce's on the go. You're running. Dulce. She said you be having your fabletics on, sis.

Oh I would love a Fabletic You got the Beyonce box Cause you be booked Yo Dulce I keep a rainbow Dulce first of all when I see you Dress the fuck up I be like yo

I know what I'm doing No obviously I be like yo Dulce should be married I think that every day Okay And you be cooking I be on your insta story sis I see all the crafting and the cooking.

Well, sis, let's talk about your building. Is there a roof situation? What's the max capacity at the apartment? Can we maybe do a little shindig? Everybody bring a friend. There's no roof situation, but I do have a good size apartment. What's the fire code capacity in the unit, you think? Like 20 people?

10? I could definitely get 10 in there. Sis, with your daily show hookup, we could get a hotel somewhere. You trying to have a hotel party? yeah okay you were trying to be scandalous i'm i'm i'm trying i'm trying to help me help us okay but i don't want strangers in my house okay so that's why we gotta take them out take them out the house maybe we should have a party that's why we gotta have it like we should have a party we get it we get a cute little dj yes tell the job listen you know y'all can hook us up with a

hotel let's go well they do have a party at hurley's and hurley's is cute well who hurley yeah it's hurley saloon they have a party upstairs they just had one on friday is that uh it's in let's see it's 48th street oh sis the midtown that's right yeah yeah you can't get nothing in soho or oh something on the lower east side i don't listen you know downtown you know i don't know what these places make right something downtown says below 14th below 14th andrew will come you gonna bring somebody oh yeah and we'll bring we'll bring hurley's if andrew brings somebody that's gonna be somebody for andrew no you're saying that he don't have people you think he don't have straight people

in his life? And you got some straights you're going to throw them out? It's mostly straights, yeah. Yeah. But like, you know, we got gay friends, we got straight friends.

Everybody bring a friend. Gay people love being around straight people and being like, I'm better than all of these people. That's why black people like being around white people. Vice versa.

They think they're better than us. Everyone thinks they're better than them. They think they're better than us. Messy boots. We gotta wrap this shit up because we got another episode. So, honey, this was a chat. We did talk it up.

We did parlay. We talked it up. Yeah, I'm glad that we got to talk more because, you know. Yeah, because now you got a chance to hit on me. Fucking Sydney. Honestly, you come to the diner, I always hit on you. You coming to the knit tonight? Because, you know, we gonna go to the diner. Yeah, I'm coming. Wait, you always hit on me? You don't hit on me.

Sydney hits on everybody. Well, the thing is, I hit on you. Damn, Marie, where's my layup? That's the layup. She hits on everybody. No, you're supposed to be like, nah, Sidney is Sidney. But you just told her yourself. Sidney, you don't even want to bang a comedian. Don't do that. Well, this is not just any old comedian. This is a headlining hoe.

Okay? She be traveling. Can you expect me to bang a ball bitch? I'm not just any ball bitch. I'm the top ball bitch. She said she needs somebody tall and employed who reads books and has a penis. I have several penises.

No, no, no. She got a small, medium, and a large. I'm good. Sis, what size you want? The lorch? I've just been practicing on my strap game. That's why the shoulders. Her harness goes to the shoulders.

You got suspenders on your strap on? He's so dumb. She got the Stefan Urkel. Y'all are ignorant. It came with glasses. It's time to wrap it up. Okay. We'll wrap it up then.

Okay, Dulce, tell people where they can find you headlining and getting tiles falling on you. Yes, when I'm not in Puerto Rico. um thank you so much for just blessing you got a website i do have a website dulce sloan.com all my stuff's at dulce sloan yeah um i actually have my own podcast that's coming out soon that you'll have to be on called that black ass show okay um it's coming out uh in march this is march right yeah we're in march yes so it's coming out this month and it's about like the black tv and movies and media that has like you know helped shape culture and our lives and such

okay coming to plug we could have talked about all that on the podcast you're right on this here podcast we learned so much about each other we learned that uh sydney is too much uh and we confirmed that marie knows she's mean which means but i've always known that i was mean but you all but you never say it out loud what do you say i say it all the time i think that's what in her bio on twitter it literally says you're mean friend it does i forgot but i saw you internalize it for a second ago hmm you're a mean friend she does not internalize it i don't people say they say to me all the time yeah you are one of my your instagram is my favorite bro because i'm so mean or because i'm so honest oh because you don't care ah well see that's what that's that's

why i love it it's very honest it's very like it's a lot of you laughing at people which i think is fucking great which is why people don't be sliding to my dm i do the same thing dulce yes you do but your eyeliner i loved your eyeliner i love your makeup video oh thanks he's like i gotta figure she's saying that you're pretty yeah that's what she said to me and i'm out here she's flirting back sis she said you pretty no i said she's pretty you're pretty yeah yeah yeah i think Dulce is hitting on you, Marie. Well, I look more like a man, sis. Listen, I also...

Dulce thinks I'm employed. Yeah. I always tell pretty girls that they're pretty because a lot of times pretty girls don't get compliments without someone having an ulterior motive. I love telling people they're pretty. Yeah. Your skin looks amazing.

You thriving. Thank you so much because my skin was just acting a fucking donkey. Okay. Dulceslone.com. Dulceslone on Instagram, Twitter. Twitter, the Facebooks. Everything.

not on black planet did y'all know black planet was so long ago it came back so long before it came back Andrew didn't know what it was were you not on black planet were you not on mihente mihente I still don't really know what it is it was just black myspace that's all it was

okay cool I wasn't even around for myspace you said you were not you old bitches okay well Andrew thank you so much for throwing shod for being so young for me we need it we need it because i remember when facebook started thank you keep us humble

andrew keep us humble that's my goal marie humble don't say we gotta go you're talking so much yeah bitch that's what i came here for you did you succeeded friend um bye guys rate comment subscribe yeah go on our patreon you know there's probably an episode or two up there it's gotta be by now you know do the review spell our name right oh you don't ask for much Drop a dick pic in Solange Dulce's DMs Wow did you just read my whole name Solange

Drop a dick pic in Dulce's DMs People have been sending me dick pics Because I did that thing on Comedy Central But it's a lot of hey I don't want to be rude Are you sure you actually want to see this Dulce we gotta go I'm helping Show us some of these dicks

Bye guys You want to see them Forever this has been a forever dog production executive produced by brett boehm joe cilio and alex ramsey for more original podcasts please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on apple podcasts spotify or wherever you get your podcasts keep up with the latest forever dog news by following us on twitter and instagram at forever dog team and liking our page and Facebook.