MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - “The Therapy Expert” with John Early

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

Cant afford a therapist? Weve got you covered! We have our Therapy Expert, John Early, in this week to clear your mind! Were talking knowing about our therapists personal lives, how therapy has suddenly become trendy, and Johns tumultuous online relationship with Selena Gomez. Plus, Sydnee dishes on what shes finding on dating apps and Marie continues to consider actually going to therapy.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Forever. Dog. Ooh, hello. Oh my God, hun. Hun, hun, hun. We're doing it. Hey, hun. Marie, I love you in the summertime

because you're just so free. What? What you mean? That's so rude to say. What? Considering we're black. My E-pro-ho? We've been free, but I'm just saying.

Are we really free, sis? It's 2019. I still got these chains on me. No, no. Imagine. We just went, we took a hard left. We were like, it's a white man. shackles on my feet

no I'm just saying you're like so bouncy and happy and no makeup and muscles popping I don't want makeup in the winter time

yeah but you're just I don't know it's something else you can't bounce in a snow boot sis you can't bounce in a heavy ass Doc Martens

that's why I don't be well you look light you look light and you look you're telling me that I look blessed like I'm losing weight sis

that's not what I wanted to hear no I didn't say no your muscles are popping out I did you look aggressive oh thank you wow I look like myself

yeah You look like if we dated, you would low-key hit me. It's fine. It's fine. You're good. Baby. Like, maybe I'd choke you a little bit. Oh, yeah.

Not in the bedroom, though. Oh. Outside at, like, a Taco Bell. Wow. You're so off. Shut up, Sydney. And they're like, that's just what we do at Taco Bell. They're like, what kind of sauce do y'all want with this?

Just mild. Yeah, so. Well, thank you for that compliment. That was nice. I'm trying. Did you give me a compliment because I said that you were mean? You did. You did.

Is that why you gave me a compliment? I see what you posted on the Instagram for the unofficial expert. And it was like, who was saying something mean in this picture? Everybody said Marie, except for one person. But they love mean. They love when Marie is mean. They love it. I'm just like, well, what am I?

Just too nice? But Sydney, you're also mean. I feel like you're trying to act like you're this like, I'm an angel that you guys love to hate. And it's like, no, sis, you mean too. We bonded over meanness. this is mean pretty girl BS that this podcast that's the foundation of our friendship is the meanness

we bonded because you were pretty and I was like oh she looked mean I was like let me talk to Regina George hey sis Sydney's like I'm so nice no you mean too it's fine it's a quiet shade okay so last

episode I felt like I was saying too much and so I want to work on just being more selective with my words and information that I get. The nerve. You have the nerve. The audacity. Selective? Yeah. Sis, I did a whole episode.

I made fun of a dude in a wheelchair. I talked about squirting. What? I wasn't selective on that episode. I need you to be as candid and as messy as you used to be, sis. I just don't want to get in trouble. From episode one. I don't want to get in trouble. I don't want to get in trouble.

There was a comment on yesterday's post that said they knew who you were talking about. I know. And then I talked to them in the DMs And I was like, if you fucking say anything, I will come and find you in L.A. and cut you up. I didn't say that. Yeah, but there's that sweet ass zit. There's that Christian gay. I will butterfly filet you if you say anything.

And he's like, you were being, I mean, you were saying everything. You said her social on the podcast. I did not. You said her social. You said her mother's maiden name, everything, all the information that we needed. First pet's name, the street that she grew up on. You gave us a lot of information. Well, I'm going to stop.

Anywho, Marie, what were you an expert in this week? I'm not prepared to go first, sis. So I'm going to go ahead and deflect to you. Is the word deflect? Yeah. Sure, sure, sure. What were you an expert in, friend? I don't know.

I was on the apps this week. Yes! And this is strange. I shouldn't be on the apps because, one, I'm gorgeous. I mean, sweetie, honey, baby, none of us should be on the apps, but we are. I'm fine as fuck. And it's just, it's weird. And now I'm seeing why people are not talking to you.

No. They're not talking to me, though. Yo, I'm getting curved left and right. I'm just not saying the right thing. Well, Sydney, I've seen some of the conversations and it's like, girl, girl, I'll be a little more flirty. I'd be a little more nasty. I'd be a little dirtier. You know what I mean?

So I'm like, so where do you work? No, no. the question you should be asking is how long can you hold your breath because i'm gonna sit on your face oh my god these things and whenever cindy screenshot something and sends it to me i'm like that's what you how you should respond and it's always something trash but i don't think you're listening to me um so what are you is it like the comments like so what are you here for and i was like for mutual uh physicality and and devin walker was like are you an attorney like who the fuck talks like that mutual mutual physicality is a thing i don't even know what the hell

physicality means it's like us getting active we're sex okay ask me that question and then i'm gonna answer it the way that i've been answering that question hey so what are you here for multiple orgasms that's how i've been answering that question multiple or yes physicality mutual physicality, multiple orgasms. That's synonymous, yeah. I'm sexist. Well, that's why you're living your life and you're popping that thing.

Popping that thing. Popping that thing like it's your profession now. I mean, since you know I'm unemployed. This is what happens when shows get cancelled. People morph into whores. Oh my god. Remember in Power Rangers they morph into

their zords or whatever. Remember zords? Anyway, whatever. Imagine if we see you underneath a bridge just sucking a dick sucking a dick and be like it's because of Vice Love I would never

I don't even know I don't even know how you get under a bridge in New York it would be like Central Park like a Law and Order SVU

like rape bridge anyway shut up Sydney yeah but you know I'm on here and I'm trying and a lot of people sent me

references like other abs to go on one of them is called Gush one is called no I think that's a party that might be a party

ooh it's a lesbian party called gush yeah we're gonna go we're gonna go to that and then i'm on another app called her and it's weird because all these apps just want you to pay more money to unlock this other level i'm not paying for someone to talk to me are you fucking serious what do i look like a rich dude no absolutely not i am not that i am either you're gonna talk to me or i'm not gonna find everybody's sliding my dms i feel like the people are not sliding my dms here's what we're gonna do it's upsetting we're gonna how much is the thing we're gonna we're gonna slide some of the

patreon money to you so you can get your stella got her groove back on for the summer i'm your whoopie goldberg sis you are my angela bassett and so you're dying of cancer uh probably i am shaving my head shaving my head so i will look like i'm dying of cancer in a couple weeks anyway marie uh what were you an expert in what was i an expert in this week um i don't know i really i don't even know how to answer that question i don't even know what i did this week so she's unprepared. You didn't hook up with anybody? Not this week. I did not. So you closed in the gap?

You know, mind the gap, sis. I stand clear of the closing doors. I, um, no, I don't know. I'm, I was supposed to see one of the dudes and he was like, oh, I'm going to Williamsburg to pick something up. He just kept saying, pick something up. And I was like, what is he

picking up? Is he a drug dealer? A child? Drugs? Like, a suitcase full of money? What are you picking up? and he wouldn't tell me. And you should have wrote, the problem with this, you not picking me up. Okay, because she was at home.

Yeah. But I also didn't want, I didn't want to host that night. Like, I had just done laundry. I hate changing my sheets after I just changed my sheets. So, like, I can't. Is there a way to have somebody

come to your house to hook up and you'd be like, can we just do it on the rug? Like, is that a thing that people are? Well, somebody who hasn't been on the pod yet, Cola Scola was telling me about a sex blanket. Where you just throw.

Oh, he did say like a sex tarp or something. Yeah, like you throw it down and then you're like, you do whatever you do. You throw it down and then you throw it down. Yeah. Got it. And then you just fold it up. With all the jizz on it and stuff? Yeah.

Oh, no. It's like reversible. You gotta. No. He's like, you're flipping it. Flip it and reverse it. It's your favorite thing ever. You're an idiot.

But also, I just, I feel like you gotta clean. I'm still doing laundry. You must have maybe two sex blankets. Well, you can get multiple sex blankets, but I just feel like, Marie, we were going so high. We can still, we got time, sis. It's only been, only a week has passed of me not getting my eat, pray, hoe on, but you know, I'm still out here.

What does it feel like? Is it closing up? Is yours closed up, sis? It is. It's been a moment for you? It is closed up. Okay. Send the troops.

How many troops you need, sis? how many people are you looking for I need a whole football team wow speaking of football team yeah our guest today

could have been a football player maybe absolutely honestly like we are fans

we're friends friends and fans of this next guest I mean literally doing everything and anything that's like Netflix

Comedy Central affiliated right now you're overseeing Jacqueline Novak's one woman show yes get on your knees

get on your knees for that mutual physicality yes and I watched it and I was like wow I'm inspired to low key give head right now

wait what no we don't get into this yes it's so good wow it's so good you have to come

okay yeah but we're not going to talk about all of that right now we're going to talk about therapy because he's our

therapy expert yes give it up hey for John Early hi guys It always takes me a little bit to get Comfortable with just the

Doink and the doink The hearing of my own voice You can sit back in the chair You see we're talking about What the hell Football team sex Me getting rammed by 12 people Rammed you said rammed

Wow Sydney Oh the sex blanket is huge I can attest It's amazing I never Like whenever I When my boyfriend and I have sex Yeah

And we're not married Whenever Whenever we have sex Okay living in sin Wow what kind of Christian gay are you I always My instinct right

Is to I wonder if you relate Pull off the duvet And do it on top of the sheets You know what I mean Like you're in bed You take the duvet off But then

But then I know And when we You know when we got together he would always be like, what? He wanted to do it on top of the covers. To him, it's so common sense. Protect the sheets. Because those are the sheets you're going to be sleeping in.

You don't want to have to clean them constantly. Might as well do it on. To me, it's like the duvet is the thing you want to wash the duvet once a year, maximum. The duvet? The leaser. Well, see, I'll wash the... I put a duvet cover on, so I wash my duvet covers.

See, even that's too much. I mean, because you got to put it on. You got to figure out how to put it in here. It's all smushed down. But in the summertime, I don't even have any of that. I don't have that comforter. We just have one sheet. We have to sleep with the flat sheet?

It's hot. I know. We don't have an AC. I need weight. I don't have an AC either. I have a fan and I'll be tucked into the duvet. No, you must be. I'll be rolled in it.

You must be drenched. You love the full. I'm just dropping pounds, sis. Just sweating it off. That's how you're doing it? No, I'm not. You're sleeping in a puddle. No, in a pool.

I sleep with the fan on medium. I don't have a sweaty body, you know? It's good. So lucky. Thanks. Are you sweaty? You're a sweaty daddy? I'm sweaty as hell.

And I've always been sweaty. When you sleep, though, you're just like... Yeah. Sydney, you too? I'm a sweater. I stink, too. Like, all the toxins, everything that's getting out. It's just so...

Ooh, it's like, am I going through a detox right now? Something's got to balance out that beauty. Yeah. Yeah, she's pretty, but she smells. I smell. No, and I didn't realize that until I started. I can't even say it, never mind. Good.

I can't even say it, but I smell now. You have to say it. No, I can't. No, no, that's fair, that's fair. We contractually cannot say it. Virtual physicality. I cannot, but I smell, and it's fine. I'm gorgeous.

But anyway, John. Funky fresh, ready to something, something, something. Funky fresh, ready to party. Yeah, there we go. We got it. John, I just want to, can I just swoon just for a little bit? I'll take it. Like, everything about you.

Like, I remember when I met you and you had that turtleneck on. It was like love at first turtleneck. We really, we have a turtleneck connection. We do. That is crazy. Turtleneck. Y'all just said you're sweaty and you smell and you are. And we're wearing turtlenecks.

Like, sausaging your bodies into some turtlenecks. I love the look. I really do. It's so weird to see you without one. Yeah. No, I know. And as I was saying off mic, it's, I'm trying to stop desexualizing myself. but desexualizing myself

at every turn. I have hangover brain right now so I'm literally the words are not the brain to melt. What did you do last night? Jacqueline and I got so drunk after the show.

What do you drink? We drink this fucking cocktail that's Scatatura. Scatatura. Sounds like poison. Scatatura. It was like tequila

lime. It's very like it feels so light. It goes down so easy. We had like five of them. That's how they get you. And I don't remember paying. You don't remember paying

that much. Drinking dash. John, you're one of those that you're like they're the life of the party and you're like oh I don't know who paid bye

I'm already in my cab dash he's like Uber's here see you later gotta dash okay Sharon it's on you right bye

he's like I'll get the next round he says that every time I confirmed via text this morning that I did pay okay but I don't remember paying or getting home that's a good night

or a bad night but that's a good night yeah it was fun so when you wear when you wear a turtleneck do you wear the necklace outside

or do you wear it in and had it like leak over the neck well I would say like wearing a necklace at all is a step closer to not desexualizing myself so I haven't been wearing a necklace over the turtleneck but I'm going when I do

turtlenecks I'm going to add a necklace because that's hot to me okay wait but there's a thing that's saying like turtlenecks are not sexy but no I think turtlenecks are sexy but I think there is there's an irony in it when I wear them not when you wear them you I've never I've never got caught a whiff

of irony in your turtleneck wearing because there's different types of turtlenecks right Sydney's wearing a fitted like a sheer yes moment very thin I want like a plush yeah oh Sydney's gonna it's basically a bodysuit

yeah with a neck yeah right it's nasty she's not putting on like a thick like grandma knit

I'm putting on like a cashmere exactly oh well cashmere okay okay he's rich he's rich okay it's Uniqlo

okay but Uniqlo has cashmere turtlenecks no get out is that branded are they sponsoring you

what's happening no head to his website John Early Slash expert I do love Uniqlo though I am wearing Uniqlo shorts Okay let's tell people

What you got on You're wearing I have this shirt That I got in high school That I literally just found out today Has a toothpaste From the drunk Goodness

Toothpaste stain Which is impossible to get out When you came in I thought that was Prince But that's a white man That's not Prince That's aggressive Look what he's doing

And then guess Magic With the Statue of Liberty He's making it disappear So it's like Is that Freddie Mercury David Copperfield I was going to say David Blaine's father, but I'm wrong.

I'm wrong. Well, essentially. I mean, this is a shirt I got, you know, in one of those little bins, like $5 bins in a vintage store in high school. And then I was like. Oh, you were doing vintage in high school? Oh, so aggressively, like so performatively like, oh, it's vintage. That's how you knew he was going to be a star. You know, just like when you're a kid and you're like, oh, no, no, no.

I don't do labels. Like what? Gross. I didn't do labels as a kid, but that's because my parents were poor. They're like, Marie, what's that? And it was like, well, the only designer stuff I had was from Marshalls. And it was like, you know, too big for me. Yeah, I couldn't have labels.

I wanted a pair of Nikes so bad. And my auntie and uncle took me to JCPenney's and got me a pair of Bikies. It said Bikies, not Nikes. And I wore them to school the next day. And when I tell you, I cried from start to finish. they was like is that a B right I'm saying

was it a swoop or was it an X a swoop with a little curl on the end oh no no it was a hard it was a sharp check it was just a line

it was a line there was no check there was just a line and all day I kept is that a B is that a B bikies bikies

like they're screaming you should have flipped I mean knowing what we know now you should have you should have been able to flip it you know what I mean

like it's actually pronounced bike and these are from a Korean brand that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah started. You know what I mean? Like now, as an adult, you'd be like, no, they're not called bikies, they're bikes.

You don't know bikes? I wish I was that witty when I was a kid. None of us were, except for maybe John. I wasn't. I was silly, but I was not witty. Were you like a class clown? I was actually pretty shy until I was on stage. Until I was on stage.

And then it was like eyes crossed. like you know and when did you get on stage just like literally try like literally after school like doing sketches like that kind of stuff and then like and then started you know the theater like musicals and stuff theater and wait were you in high school when you started theater middle school middle school wow you started just rolled his eyes so hard early that's not even fair no wait you know what i mean school plays though not so what professional theater no but it starts there right i mean literally it's a stepping stool so seriously yeah i remember well your bang is right now that you took it seriously of course like he was up there like i have to go over

my side i don't have time for this science project miss cunningham right you had f's on everything except theater i remember oh absolutely well i didn't have f's but i remember well geometry i had a 40 a 40 a 40 because i was like we're doing the crucible first of all it's like it's hard Is it passing 60? Yeah, oh yeah I was like fully And I had to quit The Crucible Sorry, that's what the story is

Because I had a 4D in Geometry Okay What is The Crucible about? It sounds like a horror film It's like Salem Witch Trials You did a play? Literally In middle school?

Well, that was high school Oh, okay But it's still That's such a complicated thing It's heavy That's not fun High schoolers should not be doing that play It is for

I mean, our poor parents Had to sit through that But I've always thought that like that to me is like i don't think i'm gonna have kids but like if i don't have kids like that is the one thing i will really mourn is like not seeing my child in place because can you imagine the intimacy with your partner of like watching it be like like dying laughing just like getting stoned and going to your kids yes getting high going to your kids play see i don't think that i want to have children either but you saying that makes me want to have kids it's not even

really about the kid it's really actually it's more about the experience with the the partner yeah just like holding in a laugh like look at how terrible these other kids are compared to our our angelina jolie yeah but that's what you hope you hope and pray that you have a kid that's super talented i mean imagine being that parent that it's like oh man definitely fumbled yeah yeah but do you but this but in the same way that i ask do parents know when their children are ugly do parents know when their kids are bad at acting or bad at the thing that they because or are they in denial like well look how good she is at her dance recital and she's the worst one up there it's probably case by case but either way it's sensitive i bet it is sensitive but it's it's

just also that you don't want to be honest with the fact because they're just like they're kids they're gonna grow into something else this is not the end result my mother told me when i was trash at my clarinet recital she was like don't make me um no you play clarinet i didn't even really play i just like you would like finger it finger it and then just like never blow which is you know it's kind of my brand you didn't even try when the other clarinets were sick you're like oh i was like you didn't even try marie no i didn't and but you know i had the little case i would like wet the reed you know you gotta like moisten the reed you're all about the prep you're all about the the build up i was like i was like third chair third class like last

yeah like back back back row is bad my mother was like why did i but she told you oh yeah she was like that's what you've been doing with that clarinet that we paid for that i bet those are fucking expensive i was percussion in band so you pay for what did you not do john where did you go to school yeah where you from nashville and nashville that's a music yeah well no but this was more just like you were required to do some sort of performing art like band class you know what i mean or choir or something yeah or orchestra that was our orchestra yeah yeah when you guys are not in la or new york you have to get a skill you know you have to go in new york we had to do that in new york you didn't have to play an instrument in school wait where'd you grow up okay you know

I'm split yeah I was in Oakland California and then I was in New York and they don't have band teachers in even place I had I had a viola when I was I did that in elementary school but then when I came to New York it was all about like yes very was that you

being like I'm different like the obvious girls play the violin I'm the viola or was that your parents I was late to picking up all the violins and they only had a viola left and they were like well that's what you got they're like he's a coat hanger and a tiny guitar.

Yeah, and I kept calling it a violin and someone was like, no, no, no. Well, what's the difference? It's smaller. Isn't it like deeper? Yeah. Or like lower? Oh, it's sexier.

It's definitely sexier. It's not a cello, sis. It could have been worse. You could have got there late and had to play that big ass cello. I would have actually, I would be better at the stuff that I need to do with women

if I had a cello. Right, because of these muscles? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. Hey, dudes, if y'all fucking failing at, you know, sex, get you a cello. Nah. It's good practice.

Read a book. Google how to make her cum. I feel like that's a thing. Go to a man magazine and read that article. Oh, they don't do that. 79 ways to make her gush. They would never. Isn't that funny?

It's kind of like Jacqueline Cho. It's like girls are always, like, from, like, age five are getting, like, how to please your man. But there's nothing the other way around. Literally nothing. It's like gay. to like want to please your woman you know what i mean well i think it's oh you try to please you try to make your girl happy that's gay that's gay no it's gay dude it's gay to talk about like sex the communication before sex that's gay but that's why when i find a man that's good at sex i'm like

oh he read something he did a search you actually feel it's not just some like intuitive thing it's actually like he's doing he's like yeah he's like it's everything can you do that one more time that made you wet sydney he's twisting he's sorry that got that was great can you teach me i want to learn she'd be like get off of me get away like uh like playing a bop it remember those things it was like bop it flick it knock it suck it like that they should make those for boys to learn how to please women that's what a bop it should be it should be stroke it ask it how it's doing flip it get her a sandwich flick it be rich like that's yeah don't be poor what how do you

feel like i'm not shaming the people who clearly like learn something or mimicking something in porn because we've all been there okay but there is a difference between like the sex that's like where you feel where it's just like you feel connected and then the sex where like you feel like they have tricks

and I'm not saying one is better but it is there is something always to me that gets me in my head when I feel like one is usually better though

right yeah yeah but if you have a connection with somebody it's less about what they know and it's more about y'all together

totally you mesh it just works I'm like gross I said ugh I have to have a connection with somebody yeah Marie

open up your fucking heart my legs are open my heart is closed you have a fucking IUD in your feelings that's what it is an IUD in my feelings that's merch that's major did that just fly out

okay mark this part in the recording we have a major major iconic moment right here you have an IUD on your feelings we're gonna make some IUDs and write hashtag unofficial expert on them tear out that IUD Go ahead guys it's merch

It's on the website now She doesn't want to get pregnant with emotions It's fucking strange I don't want to get pregnant period I'm not going to that child's recital And I'm not paying for no clarinets John I feel like you're very open You're definitely vocal about how you feel

And what you want And you and your partner I feel like you would be great in a relationship You're going to make me cry Is it true? Well you know what it is I do desire intimacy like sometimes to the point of suffocation though that's that's also part of the problem it's not

like you know it's it's a two-way street like it's it's i think it's important to like want intimacy to you know to then get it but then also if you if you're if i'm constantly in a state of like hello like it's not like sometimes to let intimacy happen you have to like kind of back off the gas pedal oh like me oh i'm just depressed i'm so proud i'm like annoying with it me too yeah me too oh yeah i'm like intimacy what that word means i am so confused intimacy intimacy john did you learn that in therapy wow okay come on segue she's a profesh i i know some teams i'm here for some things like is my dad here okay wait wait wait before you even answer that question i want to finish giving everybody the

visual, which you got on. Oh, okay, okay. So I'm wearing the David Copperfield vintage tee. Threadbare. Right. But I love a t-shirt that is like that. It's a perfect summer tee. Yes. He's wearing a white, okay, not a cream, not an eggshell, a white short. From Uniqlo.

From Uniqlo. It's very summer home. It's like, either I have a summer home or I'm on my way to my friend's summer home. Nancy Myers. Right. Yes. It's that kind of white. But it's this, the, I have to tell you, my boyfriend, he oh wait no he didn't shit

I was gonna say he tailored these shorts he tailored a lot of my clothes recently he can sew bitch oh okay well I got some things that need to be taken

yeah I got some pieces what are you doing does he work with polyester or not he saw you at the fundraiser that we did

a million years ago and he was like in love with you yes wait is that where we got these tattoos no shut up

Sydney and I hosted a fundraiser for some Mothers Against something. Yeah, John Early wasn't there. They were doing tattoos in the back. For charity. And me and Sydney got matching tattoos

for $40 in the back of a car. Tattoos for charity. That's a lot of pressure. Tats for tots. They're like, it's for charity. That's so scary. They actually were not that nice to us, but it's fine. I was like, it's crooked. It's crooked. It's a crown.

I feel like mine is in most of my posts, but I hardly ever see Sydney's. So we know you're a boyfriend, and he is great at tailoring things. He is, yes. But what? What else were you going to say? I thought I was going to say that he

tailored the shorts. He didn't. I sent him out. I was like, I want them shorter. Oh, you whore. I love it. I was like, I need I love performing in short shorts because it feels like there's something

kind of prancy about it. Yeah, and people will be like, oh, you're not supposed to perform comedy in shorts. I love being on stage in shorts and or a dress. Well, then you can really. Well, you are. You move. You move on stage.

You use the whole stage. He does choreo. Choreo. Yes. I was going to say choreography. And I tried in pants and it's like and I've literally split pants from like the movement. Wow. So I had to wear.

I need shorts. I can hike up and so I can really push it. You guys need to see John right now. See this is why I don't work on podcasts I'm gonna catch a video of you like Pushing it So that people can see And I'm wearing rubber Birkenstocks

Rubber Birks These are not rubber These are not rubber Birks I'm wearing the art teacher lesbian classic Birk I love those Is she a gay? I got these at Buffalo Exchange for $30 Okay so my Birks are thrifted

My eyes are burning Watching both of your feet Be in these shoes Well what shoes you got on I have Converse Oh wow And they are white Yeah

You just got those this morning No honey I've had them for weeks on weeks Yes but you don't really wear sneakers I don't It's basically brand new I don't It's just weird to see

You guys in those Cause it's just like Is that really your brand This is my brand My brand is Comfort Interesting Sweetie Comfort sweetie

Comfort has become More and more my brand I feel like I could see you Like in like a A sandal that's like couture like a Jesus John Galliano

sandal I've never done like first of all I rarely do sandals and when I do like I'm scared of kind of a statement sandal

but I need to move past that you're scared of a statement sandal make a statement with your sandals this isn't enough for you

no it's like a water park shoe and John has cute feet just to give you a heads up thank you careful the nail beds

very very classy you come from a two parent home yeah you do classic yes but i'll tell you what i didn't learn how to clip my nails until this relationship shut your ass you know what you're just scratching people in the bed which when you were spooning yes literally he's like ow and now i do it truly just to avoid that moment that is unfortunate wait so the nails were just like hanging off the shoes no no they weren't i wasn't like uh ripley's bleeper i was like are you guinness book world that's what i mean

why do i keep them in a bag yeah i remember that i was like john that's not chic at all that's not what it is the thing is this is gross but i don't care the way that i keep my toenails fingernails down it's literally just nervously picking them yeah me too i thought you were say you bite them i was gonna say wow but there is something just like gross about shredding them but especially tony i was like absent-mindedly like oh i saw a dude i saw a dude in public picking at his toes two days ago i would never do that and i was like uh-uh shoes i'm not better than that foot up picking at his toe i was like sick in new york yeah anyway

toes picked up okay so we do want to talk about therapy because that's the name of this episode so we gotta touch on it a little bit

and then we can go back to not talking about therapy yeah yeah so I have never been to therapy but you guys have both been to therapy yeah

when did you start going I started going when I was like literally like 24 okay 24 so that was two years ago okay I am

I'm 52 now okay No, I'm 31. Work. Wow, so brave. I mean, there's been plenty of time off. But that was the first time I went because I was like, I just, I had always, of course, like, been interested in the idea, but it seemed kind of, it's just like, it's hard

to start anything. You know, it's hard to do something for the first time, period. So, like, I don't know. I just didn't do it. And then I literally got to a point where I was just like, I can't keep it up. i cannot keep up like what's going on what this is going on like i can't do it like i literally go to therapy you said that and i got like a yeah no i literally just was like i'm exhausting myself i can't do it anymore like whatever i'm you know yeah okay so you decide because it was

like some southern shit it was like some southern like kind of people pleasing shit that i you know you know learned as a kid and like it just it's like every friendship every relationship everything was just like a kind of repetition of that and like where none of my own like feelings were involved and I was like and so and it can really get you into fucking toxic relationships one sided relationships

and so I was just like I felt like I was like kind of walking around balancing these like eight toxic relationships at all times at 24 at 24 just like all my friendships like deeply deeply I mean but at 24 isn't everything a little bit toxic totally

we eat bad we drink bad like everything and you're like you're like yeah that's true you're like it's fine i'm fine no but you're 24 you're supposed to be living your life you're not supposed to be having the weight of like everything on your shoulders no i wasn't saying that i'm saying at 20 you don't we don't really know anything at 24 you're still pretty stupid yeah you know yeah but it sounds like you were pretty smart so who knows but i mean i i was just like i really just felt like i was kind of freaking out but then how do you find a therapist like is is there an ask jeeves or something like where do This is the best thing to do.

You're 24, though. I was still on my parents' insurance. Yeah, so that was different. For like, for two years. So that was fucking incredible. All of our young folks that are listening to the podcast, use your parents' insurance. Shout out to Star. She's 24.

Yeah. Get that Blue Cross Blue Shield, bitch. What's wrong with you? Sorry, somebody who listens to the podcast. Don't hold back. We love you, Star. She's 24. Yeah, use that Blue Cross Blue Shield.

I miss it so much. Oh, I have Blue Cross Blue Shield. right now no i had it yeah i'm your parents they have the best of the best yeah so yeah so i oh so this is the best thing that i feel like you can do is it's like who is your smartest most like insightful friend like who is the friend that you go to for like the long fucking dinners like the late night like talks talks talks that'll say if they have a therapist yeah if they have a therapist like you couldn't and they like their therapist you can probably trust their therapist you know and i went i like had this teacher that was like that became a good friend of mine from college

and like she was like the smartest woman i knew and i was just like did you ever go to therapy and she was like yes she was like i like woke up one day was just like debilitating fear just like of death just suddenly in her 30s was like i'm gonna die we're all you know we're all gonna die and then like couldn't get out of bed you know and she was like and this a therapist like so genius like helped me through it and like got me out of that shit and like and so then i fucking went to see her she just gave me her number and i went to see her and then i she was my therapist for like six years in new york six years yes that's a fucking relationship you crazy bitch did you send her cards on the holidays like did y'all go out and get snacks like i tell you what

it is it does kind of get weird because you do you do feel very close to them at a certain point but they know everything about you but you don't really know anything about and i have gotten little snippets yeah like ever i'm like i it took me a while to realize she was a lesbian because she like slipped she said something about like she's like yeah there is kind of a there's a type of woman who like like you know you'll date them you know and then and then like i mean it wasn't even that explicit but she's like a type of woman who you date like that like um is experimenting with homosexuality but they're not

really homosexual is she talking about herself tell your truth and you were like I'm gay I don't understand she was like

I met a man there's a type of man man yes man yeah but I think that is truly

a perfect relationship in terms of when you need to get something you don't know that much about them yes

well the boundaries are so clear yes and I think that's how I feel when it comes to like crushes too It's like as soon as I know too much about you

I don't fucking like you anymore I love when it's mysterious So that's the great thing about Therapists You don't know anything about them But if I'm going to be telling somebody all of my business I need to know your business too Well sometimes I do want to know something

Because it's also like It is my preferred conversational style If I'm like talking about Something I'm struggling with in my life I like when someone uses their own life Like you know as an example And so at a certain point, I was like, can you disclose anything, like, at all? You asked her that?

Well, no. Yeah. Because it taints things. Tell me something. Tell me something good. At all. It taints things when they say, well, from my personal experience, because they're supposed to be impartial. Yes.

They're supposed to. So it taints it for you, but it sounds like it doesn't. I kind of wanted it. Yeah. But I think that is the professional standard. it's like as a therapist it's like you have to have those boundaries

yeah and those boundaries are really important and I have and so this therapist got she fucking helped me through that moment

like I she has she changed my life she really really did she changed my life for six years how much did this therapist cost because I need to know

like what the well nothing at first it was like literally fully covered by my parents wow that's right that's right that's right

I want to kiss your parents on the mouth I know it was fucking incredible god damn and then it was like it was like I would

I would go for a bunch like like like burn money and then like do a little super bill send it to the insurance

and then it was like literally like I had a certain it was like $25 after my SAG insurance work somebody SAG

some of us are SAG eligible okay I'm SAG eligible as well I just don't want to join because I don't want to pay those dues I don't want to

pay those dues baby it's not time $3,000 how much does it cost in my mind it's like $9,000 to start SAG it's literally like $3,000

yeah say $3,000 maybe more yeah Since we have the Patreon money Do we have $6,000 for SAG? I thought we were spending it on Sydney's dating app We're spending it on Sydney's dating app Exactly, thank you

I went on SAG yesterday Yesterday Well, the benefits are whatevs But the health insurance The health insurance We need that for therapy So I gotta pay $3,000 for insurance Is what you're telling me

I'd rather just keep living my life Just hoping I don't get hit by a bike Like that's how I've been living for the last Well, there's, of course, great sliding scale. Some of, like, I've dear friends who have seen, like, fucking sliding scale therapists for, like, 20 bucks. Ah, sometimes they not good because, listen, I went to a sliding scale therapist, bitch had toms on, didn't even have her whole foot in the shoe. And it's just like. She was walking on the back?

It's like, boo, boo, you're wearing slippers, pretty much. That's rude. Yeah. I'm telling you what's bothering me and I can't stop looking at the heel of your foot. Was it dry? Was it a dry heel? No, it wasn't a dry heel.

It just felt like you're not taking this seriously. She had old time, sis. But sometimes those students are taking it more seriously than a professional therapist because they're actually invested in a different way. Sometimes it's really good. Okay, but people who walk on the back of their shoe, it says something about you.

It's a sense of laziness. but also it's like oh you had a long day but your whole day was sitting so it's like what are we working with this is a sloth dude wow here's the revolutionary thing about therapy for me I never knew this

like cause so this first therapist I had Susan who I love Susan is a good therapist name my therapist Susan Susan Cheryl something like that my therapist Susan Miller who also does astrology no i'm just kidding you know but yeah but she like we immediately developed this thing

that i just assumed was the therapeutic relationship which was more just kind of me reporting and her listening and so after a while it kind of became a little like mom are you proud you know what i mean like because you want to get a reaction yes or like i'm like coming in and be like this is going great and this is going great and well he said he loves me too you know and like and and she was like you know like and so and then and then i started seeing this new therapist what's her name it's like literally she will literally never hear this like she doesn't even know what a podcast is but i'm like terrified she's gonna hear right you changed my life you changed my life susan sorry susan but but this new therapist i saw

he's more into this thing and this is why even if she if you do have therapists with heels out of the shoes he's kind of taught me this thing that it's like it's not he's like it's more about like using the the relationship with the therapist as like a kind of model for like the problems in your real life so it's like my fear of you know my fear of like confrontation or whatever it's like he's like you can this is the safest possible place for you he's like if you have if you have a problem with something that i say he's like you should tell me like what's the worst that's gonna happen And like, I'm not because of the unbiased relationship. Yeah.

It's like, it's really like, it's really interesting. He's always like, use this. This can be a place to like test shit out. You know, you should have called her on them heels. It's an open mic, huh? You just open mic in with my fucking emotions. And my money. Okay, Karen.

Yeah, cool. Sounds fun. But that's why I'm like, if they're bad, like if you if you can only afford sliding scale and you happen to like land on a bad one, like sometimes like it is still useful. even if you're like I don't respect them to go off on them just to be like well I'm gonna like

say what I feel I'm gonna like tell them and maybe they'll have something maybe something really constructive and that's my time yeah

and that's my time getting my time back to the room that's perfect I believe in that that's great but I'm also like

they say that therapists are supposed to be unbiased and they're not supposed to be judgmental I don't fucking believe that yeah

they judging me they telling people my business when they lit yeah I haven't met a therapist yet, like a therapist that was my friend. So I have nothing to go off of. Right.

But I just don't believe as a human being, I don't care if it is your job to be unbiased. You are going to judge a little bit. Well, that's another brilliant thing that this guy said. He was like this. It's an imperfect. It's an ideal. He was like the kind of like totally unbiased therapist. He's like, it's an ideal.

Like it is imperfect. He's like, I'm a human being. He was like, so I will fuck up. And he was like, and we can acknowledge it. You know, which I was like, shaking. I was like, what do you mean? You know, but like, it scared me so much. How do you go from one person for six years?

Six years, yeah. Susan, glorious Susan. I'm assuming his name is something like Kyle or Daniel. Or Bob or something. Robert. It's actually, it's more chic than you would expect. His name is Chic. Devante?

His name is Chic. No, it's Devante. It's Devante. Ray. Ray. no that sounds like a hang that's a that's a pal yeah a buddy a buddy but that's what ray sounds like ray's like if you gotta do something to get off your chest say it to me baby yeah i'm here it's imperfect yeah he's like smoking a cigarette it's imperfect you know it's not gonna

be you know ray he's playing cards on the side he's like what do you want he's picking at his toes yeah you want me to deal you in he's playing online poker while you're talking to him he's like hey, don't renege, don't renege. He like, just know that it's imperfect. Ah, damn, I thought I won. Like, that's Ray. I feel like I've never met a man named Ray in real life. It's Ray-er.

Ray-er? Ray-er. Ray-er. Y'all can cut that. Leave it in there. We keep everything in, baby, no edits. No edits, no take backs. No take backs.

Ray, okay, so the goal is to meet a man named Ray. Because in my mind, Ray's are sexy. Or is he sexy? The dad from Sister, Sister. right that's the only ray i know totally he's he's kind of hot yeah ray yeah but i think there's this thing about therapists that even if they're not that hot there's something about them that you're like oh i'm spitting this out with you you start looking at shit that you weren't looking at before and you're like well the hairline is intact yeah you're like wow look at the earlobes

they look soft yeah they look suckable and it's like oh he's 45 yeah that's a good age well you know well there's a moment too also it's like where you google them oh never i've never you googled oh i google yeah you gotta google to read the reviews no yeah well just that too but you can find shit i think that is where you're breaking no it's a fucking bridge you're not supposed to do that i feel like i have i have now the secret in the room that i actually like need to acknowledge like according to Ray you gotta you have to bring

something up that you found in his LinkedIn at the next time like next time you're there oh you know I know you know

it's cause you went to Brown but so and he's like what well I'm so scared I'm gonna slip up and say like

a detail of his like how'd you know that you found his Facebook or something you found his Instagram you're like Ray that caption

was very problematic but it's fine I guess it was funny you're like how was your weekend in the Catskills with the dog and stuff

like I say I say bring all that to Ray Ray sounds like he's gonna be cool he's open Exactly.

It's 2019. Everyone's Googling. Hey, Ray. Sibia is just like not the filter for you. Just saying. You know, I would go with a lark. Lark. Yes.

Or in the stories, a Rio de Janeiro. Yeah. I didn't know you could filter stories. Yeah. Really? You didn't know that? I'm so behind on stories. You've noticed, I'm sure.

But stories are, stories I think are, I think what saved Instagram. Oh, I, exactly. I love stories, but I'm not like, I still do the fucking like, The block of text How do people do it where it pops up in the middle Where the text pops up When you want it to I feel like that's because it's a different

A different dash Well then what about the thing where it moves with The story John are you 55 Somebody said that He did say that I'm so bad with my stories You do it from the computer

But John we have to be honest with the listeners that you are pretty famous. You're out here. You're a pretty big deal. You're a big deal. And you're like modest about it, but that's why you're not on Instagram as much because you're like busy. Well, you know,

the numbers, here's what I'll say, the number, the reason why my Instagram numbers are high is because I think Selena Gomez... You bought them, I knew it! No! You bought them, yes! Selena Gomez. Selena Gomez I think has some sort of gay like publicist because one day

I obviously do not know her there's no way she knows me one day after like an Ars Nova show she followed me my friend who was on the show and Ars Nova in the same like minute Selena Gomez I was like Selena Gomez

did not just genuinely follow Ars Nova maybe she was at the show dude she might have been there sis you know she got that little round baby face so and she's very like forgettable looking in real life I'm sure where she don't have the lashes on. That's such a good point.

She would look so normal. No, but maybe her assistant went live at the show. Yeah, maybe. And was like, you gotta check this out, sis. And she was just home laughing and following. She's like, who's that John guy? Since she followed the numbers shot through the roof. She was the most followed account for the longest time

until Kylie, like a few months ago. Until Kylie bought hers. Shut up. Yeah. Selena Gomez was the most followed account. Wow. I didn't know that. Well, there you go.

And how many followers did you get from that? Like literally from that, like 70,000. Shut the fuck up. Like just every day. Well, that's true. When someone with a big following follows you, you'll get a little bump in follows. But she was the most followed on Instagram. So yeah, 70,000.

I get DMs all the time from like 12 year olds. They're like, please show her the sign I made. Thinking that I'm friends with her. They're like, please show her the sign. So wait, how does someone realize that somebody famous is following you? Because they get notification, right, because it'll be like, so-and-so liked this image and liked that image, and I guess it says who you follow when you follow someone new. That's dumb.

Okay, but I'm glad for your new followers. Yeah, she's only following 61 accounts. Of course, so she's only one of the 61. She's following 61 accounts. Well, Andrew, please confirm that John is one of the 61. Oh my God, you better not. Look, John, he's stressed out. He's stressed.

Let's see. He says no user. Oh my God. Devastated. Devastated. I'm going to slide in Selena Gomez DMs and be like, hey. Oh my God. This is.

John, do you need a moment? Selena Gomez is the devil. It was honestly plateauing. The followership was plateauing Okay this is what John's face John's face after realizing Selena Gomez It's so flush I know I am blushing

I'm gonna be like Selena Gomez Why you not following my friend no more Why you not following my friend no more Yeah what happened Did you post something that she was like Oh this doesn't have the right filter on it she was like she doesn't know

how to do stories yeah she saw you walking you posted a story leaving Raze and she was like is he at Raze and she was like

oh no oh my god wow wow wow wow wow well okay wait followers come and go they do and with therapy

you who needs Selena Gomez when you have Raze you know Raze and Susan who needs Selena when you have Raze wait

so how did you find Raze in LA same thing I moved to LA and I was like who is my and I have this one friend who just like

literally like her advice like makes me cry like I love her like you're one of these emotional friends yeah

I'm talking to you and I'm like you know I'm having a great yeah you look great in those shorts and you're like sobbing at Trader Joe's

and it's just like sis come on we can't do this body avocado I'm gonna go get some croissants I'm gonna give you a minute to get

yourself together you're like that's me I love coming to the store with you Marie that's fully me I go deep

In proper settings But I asked her I just asked her And she was like I saw this fucking Amazing therapist He's the best And she was just

Telling me about him And he sounded great Okay so what Okay so attract Both of your therapists Have been attractive Okay well Susan I'm gonna kill myself

Like Susan wasn't You know she So Susan She wasn't a baddie But you know Yeah yeah yeah I wasn't like You weren't like moist

Yeah yeah exactly Wait how old is Susan She's older Susan yeah susan's probably in her like late 60s wow okay well susan i feel like that that's what i want in a therapist though with somebody with like age and wisdom and experience and i want them to not be too sexy but i don't want them to be ugly and i need them to have good teeth because

i can't take no advice from somebody who has bad teeth yes so that's what i'm looking for if i was no let me tell you the people with the with the worst like teeth and weird hands they live what's a weird hand, sis? They fucking know. People wouldn't, I don't trust people with nice hands. What's a weird hand?

Like arthritis? Like real soft? Like, let me feel your hands. No, you've been through some work. Nah, his hands are soft, though. You haven't worked in a while.

Also, your lifeline is very short. You're going to die today. No, stop it, Marie. I have no idea. I'm just talking out my butt. Okay, you know what? John has

soft, reasonable, nice hands for a New Yorker. Like, living in New York, the fact that I could touch the palm and it's like not rough

but it's something about it that it's still like it's been through something I can't even do this with you right now call me now she's like I can call me now for three payments of $2.99 wait what happened

did she die to Miss Cleo did she die she died she died Andrew did she die Andrew confirm and or deny and like didn't she die

like disgraced yeah like didn't she get in trouble or something I mean she wasn't a real therapist I mean but like so she wasn't even a real Jamaican

she wasn't even really Jamaican Oh, that's hilarious. Is what it is. Oh, yeah. Let's talk about that, John. I feel like there's like people who are fraudulent. But what about like imposter, what is it called? Syndrome?

Yeah. What about that? What you mean? What does that mean? I feel like. Isn't imposter syndrome like when you're feeling about yourself? Yes. When you feel like you're a fraud, like you don't deserve the things that you're getting.

Yeah. I think it's like, well, I mean, this is very related to therapy. Yes. I think it's impossible. like the why being a person is so hard is because you can't see yourself like you cannot you don't know it as much as you try to control it you know as much as you try to like understand what you you know you can you you are not privy to the conversations that your friends are having about you behind your back this is true you know what i mean i've had moments recently where i'm like oh

they're definitely talking about me oh like they definitely what do you mean some things about me like because i just i feel like i agree what you're saying we don't see how people see us have you ever seen a picture of yourself and then flipped it like flipped it so you can see what you actually look like you know what i'm talking about you're sure you have mushrooms no what are you talking about no there's a picture of yourself but you flip because we've only ever seen mirror reflections of ourselves yeah or us ourselves in photographs yeah but like when you flip your face right it's like this digitally flip it right how do you do that it's weird i don't know it's weird how do you do that girl you don't look like you don't look like yourself is

what i'm saying i'm like this is what i look like to people totally it's like this eye is my good like it's it's weird i need to see this where is it is this an app i feel like it's something you do on your phone picture just flip the picture okay andrew thank you the anger okay thank you her angry gay sexy tall producer intern how do you do this how

I mean I think that's where I feel like imposter syndrome like comes from is like you literally like I mean it's been really interesting I've been working with

Jacqueline on this show I'm not trying to plug but no please plug we adore her it's like Jacqueline's like she's getting up there every single fucking night

doing this like hour and a half show hour and a half yeah she's doing it it's a 90 minute one woman show it's phenomenal because not only

is she actually doing but all of the words it's so much words where is the show how long does it run tell me until August 18th and there's a rumor

on the streets that it's gonna be transferring to a different theater ooh Ars Nova it's just Selena Gomez's

favorite yeah but no but she's been doing it every night and like this is the imposter syndrome thing

it's like she literally it's like she's I know she feels the love from the audience you know like on some level

but she's still it's like she's inside her own body like she can't see just the obvious greatness that like we're all seeing right the objective just greatness but that's part of being a performer right like especially if you're doing a show regularly yeah you know what it feels like to absolutely kill it crush it standing ovation if you get that once the next time you don't get that you're like oh the show was bad right to that to that the time that you felt like you truly killed it but as a comedian

like that's that's what my whole week was was oh wow I need to quit everything I need to woo

but we realize that audiences are so fickle and like they're walking in and you don't know what their day was and so you don't know all these people like I went on

that opening night and those are people who genuinely love everything about there was sometimes she was saying something and she couldn't even finish because they were already

about to laugh because they're that intuitive to like her comedy so you know when you have fans and then you know when you have randoms totally and i feel like the randoms whatevs like i'm not here to win you over

this is my show yeah i do believe in like like i i am not into this idea like you should be able to perform anywhere like go do the hardest open mic it's like no no curate your fucking audiences like go where people like me yeah i've always felt like i feel like the like open mic thing is so like male it's so like you gotta fucking suffer man and the people who are suffering the people who are suffering most of them are trash exactly let me thrive with people and be successful exactly that's a skill it's not cheap no it's not to like like i don't know it's called self-care okay thank you and i think more performers need to go to therapy for that because i think that's what drives us crazy just every day thinking like okay am i good enough like what is this like how

great is that like am i right as amazing as they're saying oh are people liars i've seen people say something is good and then tell me that it's bad it's like yeah i can't trust it right well that's and that's what i think that's what therapy provides it provides this like place to like actually start to and it takes a while but you kind of start to see yourself more clearly you like come in with the same kind of bullshit every week and it's just like it's the same thing that kind of like is like like gnawing at you and then like over time you keep coming back you keep going back and then like you see you start to see the pattern and then you like start to make sense of yourself a little more and then once you see the pattern then you can like dismantle it you know

wow wow john you are an advocate for therapy because everything you're saying i'm like well give me susan's number before you get out of here honestly if you can because because i'm not somebody who's ever been like i like therapy like yeah it's normal because it's normal now but it's not normal in my culture it's not normal in my family if i told my mother i was seeing a therapist she'd be like why for what yeah it's very it's very trendy now and it's i i almost am like not saying that we should not be pushing therapy but there's a lot of people who make it so that it's like is this like a chai latte now like why are you it's a unicorn fraps yeah like why are you turning it into like ugg boots like this is not this is something serious this is like people's

livelihood we need it like don't tell me what's going on in your therapy session and make it like a thing it should be separate i think yeah well the like the weird like marketing around therapy yeah so like sinister what's the marketing around well just like what you're like unicorn frappuccino it's like it's like it's like it's like hey therapy everyone should go but maybe everybody should go but everyone should and it does especially like their needs like with men like their men need to go to therapy american men need to go to therapy beige men get on it black men also need to go to therapy and they're the ones that are least likely to go I feel like

well there needs to be models for it like I feel like well that was I mean remember those like Michael Phelps ads that were going around there was like a Michael Phelps on posters being like therapy helped me a lot for headspace is that the app I think it's for headspace he was doing ads for headspace that's a therapy

app that's like meditation and therapy right I'm not for sure somebody sent me that sounds like an app that you gotta pay so I don't know you gotta buy it and then you gotta buy things in the app

like you wanna hear what your therapist has to say $7 yeah so you're saying that we have to market it better

so you're saying somebody like Beyonce needs to be like I go to Susan every week you sounded like her sis Nala is that you

I symbol I love Jay Z I love Susan I love my kids I love my kids this is my halo halo

imagine if Halo was really just about therapy well she does say remember those walls i built baby they're tumbling down that's therapy exactly exactly i hope to god she has a therapist this is groundbreaking if beyonce had a therapist she wouldn't say anything i feel like she's one of these people that everything is so you know her idea of like rawness of like vulnerability is so it's funny like anytime she does a documentary and it's like her in front of her macbook pro camera and she's wearing like light makeup and she's like you know so it's hard you know to be beyonce and it's like

yes is yeah is it oh yeah you're surrounded by people who say yes i wonder if she says dumb stuff just so people can agree with her genius that would be a terrible that would be amazing sketch exactly there needs to be a beyond where she's like in a group of her like her like team and she's like yeah sesame's so good and she's like the sky is she said the sky

looks green today and everyone's like yes it does Beyonce and she's like and then she goes home and is like can you guys give me a cheeseburger

with whipped cream on it and they're like oh we already have six of those right here sis what kind of cream you want a hand whip light

light cool cool whip I think Blue Ivy we don't need her anymore and they're like absolutely we won't get rid of her

she's out of here they just start kicking Blue Ivy in the ass they're just like get out of here scram and Beyonce's like look at these idiots

it is so funny when pop stars like start incorporating their children in their music videos I don't know how I feel about that Blue is in all the videos now

but we haven't seen the twins in any videos yet because they're still babies yeah she doesn't want to be that person yeah thank god she wants to be that person

but she is that person because Blue is all up and through the video that sidebar she stole all the visuals from Solange no not from Solange

from this like south african duo it was like the new one the new the yeah it's like here we go that tea marie piping hot baby it was like trending i mean it wasn't really trending because people were like beyonce has been giving us these exact visuals but it's like side for side the colors the outfits the formations like completely copied from this other video like same exam people are like beyonce inspired them so technically she did this herself

and it's like wow oh so Beyonce is your god okay got it she is to her fans I got kind of a Solange vibe

visually from that new video well maybe Solange stole it and then was like sis let me direct your video I don't know

who knows maybe Solange pulled up at somebody in the elevator and was like give me them visuals Solange beat

somebody's ass I mean but I think that a lot of like bigger name artists will do that they'll steal

from people who are who are not as famous it's okay but they're more creative that pushes me to be more famous I have to work towards it like eventually somebody

is going to steal from you is going to steal from me and I'm going to steal from someone else and it's fine it's a circle of life John you literally pushed Marie

into therapy and this is what? growth? this is a breakthrough this is a breakthrough this is this is the this is the episode

of the year wait but how much Susan cost because we need to talk about because I mean honestly like she was discounting me by the end there I I would be scared to know what John give us our promo code come on now early bird promo code john early slash early bird uh okay so you're not going to she cost $300 no no no she I by the end off insurance pre-sag I was paying $100 per session which is brutal that's too much that's too much i'm gonna just keep my thoughts inside that was discounted but that but then i submitted i you know retroactively submitted to insurance and

like i got like 75 off so it's like 25 okay marie work on that you know there are ways there really are ways around it okay but and also i feel like that there is something about going to therapy at this age i don't want to assume we're the same age i mean you said 31 that's not what i said i stopped growing at 24 okay uh marie's ageless but you're a grown woman and i feel like you can make therapy what you want it to be like i went like kind of like unformed clay you know just but i feel like if i went now like i'm doing with ray i feel like i'm so much more like i'm getting what i need out of it i feel like you can do that wow now with therapy do i you have to go the same day at the same time every time every week he they my i cannot talk it's the

hangover brain. He knows that my schedule's really inconsistent and crazy. Because you're busy. And so I do change the time literally every week. And it's fine. You're like, hey, can I come now? I'm outside. I'm downstairs. And Ray's like, what? How did you get to my house? And you're like, I'm here.

And Ray's already got a notebook with a whole bunch of notes. And it's like, wait, we didn't even meet up yet. He's like, yeah, I've been doing extra credit for you. Extra work. We gotta talk. What if you go to therapy and the therapist has like a Lisa Frank binder Then you pull a ray and you bring it up

And you leave Because I think it's rude You're supposed to be Everything is supposed to be plain Like you're not supposed to have loud colors on Like I want the room to be You know, neutral I don't need to know your style

A plant or two Maybe a snake plant Oh yeah, no I want it to be calming And something that I'm like I feel safe in here But it's like Oh, you coming with a lecture green shoe today, Susan?

Damn I can't express myself Oh bitch you shop at Fashion Nova now Oh I can't go with you no more Can my therapist have lashes on or not She can't have no falsies No eyeliner no nothing No eyeliners

Some people need it cause then their eyes be real sunken Shut up I need a blank slate That's what I need I need you to look cute and clean John this has been fantastic I've learned so much I have both your numbers Text my ass if you want to talk more about therapy

oh that's right you do have my phone number can you give Selena Gomez my phone number not anymore I can't believe cunt cunty

that was a huge revelation I can't believe that happened and Andrew couldn't wait to tell you that she didn't follow you no more he was like

actually did she ever follow you in the first place wow this whole entire story is fabricated John are you gonna text this to me

like can you take that out no never can you take that out I just it's not my brand the only thing I might ask you to take out is me encouraging you to join

SAG. We love you, John. Is there anything you want to leave the listeners on before we go about anything that we talked about or anything that you feel like? I will say that I have a really good metaphor that I didn't make up that can explain the thing I was talking about

more clearly. I'm obsessed with this metaphor. I'm bad with metaphor. If you say there could be a hundred people in a room and all of them like you if one

if you say that I literally don't know what that is it's Gaga Lady Gaga on the tour for A Star Is Born it's Gaga

every single interview everything she did she would they were like how do you feel about early I'm disappointed how do you not notice there could be

a hundred people in a room and if 99 people love you 99 people don't believe in you and only one doesn't for me that was Bradley

that was Bradley there's like a there's a video on YouTube so funny Of somebody that put, like, a compilation of all that together. And every time she says it, Bradley Cooper acts like he's hearing it for the first time. And Bradley sucks a mean clit.

You know what I mean? For me to repeat that. Sucks a mean clit? A mean clit. Oh, Cindy, you got to put that in your bio for Hinge. Bradley Cooper sucks a mean clit. Now, Cindy Washington. We're putting that on a clutch.

It's going to be a tiny clutch with a lot of words on it. John, give me that metaphor. So my version of that is, okay, so imagine a bird circling a tree. Okay. So, like, they're, like, at the bottom of the tree, and they're circling the edge of the tree. And they don't know, like, all they're seeing is, like, just these, like, fucking branches and leaves. They have no idea what they're seeing. They're at the bottom of the tree, though.

They're at the bottom of the tree, but they keep circling up the tree. And so they keep seeing the branches and the leaves up close, you know. And they keep circling, keep circling, keep circling, keep circling. and then by the time they get to the top of the tree they've because you know

their birds are so small so they're right up against they can't see it but by the time they get to the top of the tree and they've circled it so many times they start to understand

the pattern of the tree and the shape of the tree you know what I mean so and that's when they like kind of absorb the knowledge of the trees like circling around it

over and over and over again and therapy is so good in this way you're the bird we're the bird we're the bird therapy is the tree no our problems

is the tree I think we're actually both the tree and the bird actually i feel like because you're circling yourself through therapy i okay i think the tree is your issues right because you're going through your issues you're like oh i don't know how i get through this or i don't even really know what they are yeah but and then but but that i feel like is such a like healthy way to go through life with all problems and especially with therapy it's like instead of this kind of need for direct understanding immediate like

linear like yeah because i'm like if i was a bird that was smart i would just fly straight right we're spiraling zoom away right we're spiraling but yeah and it's I feel like it's actually

kind of like really beautiful to like be like that's how we that's actually how we kind of work as people we don't like immediately understand ourselves we can't

like you actually have to kind of like keep looking at yourself from different angles wow and therapy never therapists will never give you

the answer exactly you have to figure it out on your own exactly they never tell you what to do they give you

little pebbles to figure it out I'm paying you $100 an hour for some pebbles if I'm coming in I'm like sis yeah I don't know

if I like comedy no more I'm gonna need for you to be like but you're funny Marie you should do it until you die well they both my therapists

have been like pretty damn encouraging when they can tell that I need it they can give you encouragement but they're not gonna be like so

this is what's going on with me and my boyfriend what do you think they're like I think we should say that again out loud and then break it down

and then I'm gonna tell you a few things where you're like oh but this I'm gonna point out a few things and then you have to figure it out on your own. Yeah, yeah.

So it's basically your scam. Yeah, you're paying for a friend to not give you all of the advice. They give you partial advice. I feel like I could just stay with the friends that I have now then. That's what they give me, partial advice. They help me through things,

and I don't have to pay them. Yeah, well, that's, I mean, that's what friends are for. Not good times. Not bad times. Tell people where they can find you, They'll follow you and they won't unfollow.

Give us your Instagrams. Tell people listening. B-E-J-O-H-N-C-E Bajonce on Instagram and Twitter. JohnEarly.tumblr.com and also come see

Jacqueline Novak's Get On Your Knees. It's a masterpiece. At the Cherry... I direct it. Cherry Lane. Direct that. Cherry Lane Theater

until August... 18th. 18th. And where... Potential extension. What do you have coming up in LA? What shows on television are coming out

that people should be on a lookout for? I mean, I have a monthly show that Sydney did. So fun. You need to come to it in LA. I'll fly to LA to do the show. So fun.

Talk to Ray. Hey, Ray. Hey, Ray. Does Ray come to your shows? Imagine. That would be... He cannot. Oh, my God.

Jacqueline saw her therapist in the audience, her old therapist from her 20s who literally fell asleep during her session. That's so rude. But also hilarious. Was she sleeping during her show?

She loved it. Maybe it was making up for it or something. Wait, and I'm going to need the listeners to do us a favor I saw that y'all do that for Jack Knight. I need y'all to go to Selena Gomez page and put

palm trees underneath one of her photos for the shadiness The most recent one that she posted. When you hear this episode go to Selena Gomez's page. The most recent photo she posted. Drown it with the palm trees. On my behalf. She's shady She's shady. Thank you. And then hashtag it

unofficial expert because we need We need her to follow. Hashtag unofficial expert and then just trees Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé we stand with Beyoncé

yeah we stand with Beyoncé I'm with her I'm with her I'm with Ray thanks guys I'm with Ray rate, comment, subscribe

and holla at us on the Patreon and come see us every Sunday at the Knitty Factory yes please bye y'all bye

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