MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Thirst Trap Expert" with Matteo Lane

Episode Date: May 8, 2020

Matteo Lane joins us this week to talk all things thirst traps! Matteo tells us about his very first trap, what the thirst traps do for him, and negative reactions he's gotten. Plus, Marie tells us about her yoga experience and Sydnee reminisces on the time she went on a cruise and things got interesting.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog hey friend hello i mean geez whoo it is hot over here in s word the s word is the l word except just me and black people involved it's hot how are you i think that you need to be more um i think you need to explain that a little bit more friend i'm okay but when you say the s word where most of us like you said that last night and we were all like what what s word and you're like the s word and we were like which just say the word and you're like like the l word and you know so the l word is like lesbian sex in the city is that what is that what that was marie you're the only one that doesn't know the l word all right great uh go ahead and uh drop a line in the comments let us know if you know what the s word is because

thank you so much friend and then wasn't there like a black gay like male version as well noah's ark noah's ark there we go right okay flashback um i watched it after every dodgeball game in chicago with my gay friends i never watched it yes it was good okay hold on guests let's bring you in one sec oh it's susan boy yeah so sorry uh yeah so the s word is my own tv show version of the l word okay and it's a lot going on over here uh a lot going on i mean because of covid you know my roommate had to leave so who could she got it no she does not have it but you know some things transpired and she was like i gots to go she's like i can't have nothing nice well we did like your roommate she was great i know and

whenever if i mentioned like oh my roommate left it's like sydney what did you do well i mean maybe you gotta change the narrative sis the way you tell people it has to change no darling the what happened is is covid is ruining lives and friendships and relationships and roommates situation you know and here I am thriving you know life is fine you step out for one moment well that's because you live by yourself so you know if you want to go out and risk it all you come back to your house what are you risking your plants might get COVID that's that's it listen I mean they would be so lucky um okay so you're saying you're stepping out you risking it all i mean i i came to see you i you know i've been out

i go to the store every week for sid can cook so sick and shop sid can can lose roommates sid can drive a roommate away yes um but that's not why she left sid it like it was a lot of other stuff that was happening in your house i think it for her anyway yes yes yes other things were happening too you know but i'm fine i'll be okay uh you know i'm not looking for an another roommate i feel like she will possibly be back it just you know all her stuff is still there she hasn't actually left right like her body is gone right but the stuff is still there right but when you're your roommate but when you hear indefinitely that's not that doesn't feel good to hear indefinitely yeah oh i feel like white folks loving indefinitely

they love the word indefinitely because it's like does that mean maybe you gonna come back or like for sure you're gone it says it's up in the air it's like i don't i'm gone until i'm gone and then when i come back who knows what the situation might be maybe i might not want to stay here no more well I mean but this is COVID grounds you know anything that happens in quarantine the rules don't really apply so usually you would give somebody you know 30 days notice hey I'm bouncing but you know corona vibes you're like I gotta step out and I don't know when I'm coming back and it's like you're going to war I guess now this her telling you she's leaving that was her 30 days notice she didn't leave yesterday her stuff is still there so this is her 30 days notice

so you got 30 days to come to terms with this and like walk around your house butt naked or 30 days until you can start walking around your house butt naked honestly that's kind of a victory for you sis i'll walk around butt naked anyway like right now i'm on my period oh i was walking around the the tampon string was just hanging okay wow that's why she's moving out sis that's your 30 days every every month for seven days she sees you on your tampon string just eating toaster strudel she had to leave sis it's tampon string awareness month so during asian american don't don't you dare shame me for having my string out it's too many ladies who have worn shorts and their string was hanging out and they they they never wanted to wear tampons again i have never seen somebody

string hanging out of their shorts they're literally sticking up a cup up their diaphragm diaphragm is up here wait i thought your diaphragm is where you say it from sis sticking a up there up there woo ha sydney if your diaphragm is bleeding once a month uh are you adele i feel like adele did she have the she had to get the surgery anyway whatever anyway uh so how you living friend how you doing good i got up this morning and i did some yoga for the first time in my life yummy it's so boring the best part of the yoga is when you masturbate at the end it's great ah wow is that what happened that's that's how we do yoga at my house yeah never never been that never been that in tune with my downward downward dog where i would

needed to masturbate after child's pose sis i was like yes um flying lotus bomb whatever uh i had a good morning um and then i accomplished nothing after that because i was like i did yoga for an hour beach that's the day you know yeah some of us can only i think actually most of us can only do like one thing a day and then after that it's like okay i'm on break for rest of the week we can't have that well friend do you want to get anything off your chest before we bring the guest in i just have too many things going on at the same time that uh that has nothing to do with money and it's frustrating that's it what i said i have a lot going on in my life right that's chaotic that has nothing to do with money

um okay i'm not really sure what you want me like where you want me to go with that there's nothing that you just said if i want to get something off my chest friend that's it oh okay you feel better yeah you know what i feel so good that we should bring this fucking guest in how about that oh my god yeah how about we do that well maybe mateo will make you feel better friend um we have uh our friend on today because that's how we're doing these zoom episodes now uh he is um you know you love him you know him he's he's working even when he's not working are you on unemployment trend no he's not no i'm not on unemployment okay he's better than everybody on this uh chat he is our thirst trap expert give it up for mateo lane

how's it going do you have any thoughts on anything that you've heard this far I know what the L word is and they brought it back didn't they like now there was like two seasons of the L word right or two different versions of the L word yeah right

and then so I get it the S word and then you saying you're making you have a lot of problems and none of them involve making money means it's a lot of personal problems and you wish it was business problems. Got you. I followed along.

Thanks, Mateo. I got it. Sometimes, you know, me and Marie, we're not seeing eye to eye in the Zoom. I mean, Sydney, you're kind of in a bad mood right now, friend. And I feel like

sometimes I listen to the episodes and you'll say stuff or we'll say things that are like very like we know what we're talking about but the people who are listening don't know what you're talking about so you know i just i wanted you to explain a little bit better and you were like whatever but mateo got it he's smart so well i also know both of you so maybe that helps there it goes there it is uh mateo you are our thirst trap expert so i'm sure you're out here still doing the lord's good old work well i was trying to be the pasta expert but marie chopped that down so quickly and i'm glad and let me just say sydney when i was on your cooking show

and i was cooking pasta for 30 seconds i got like 30 dms being like wait finish that meal i want to see how you made that meal how did you make that meal and then i did a 15-minute tutorial on how to make the meal and then people were sending me pictures of them cooking the same type of pasta Some people adding peas in it. I blocked them. But, you know, it is what it is. I think people are interested in cooking right now because a lot of people are stuck home

and they don't know how to cook and people think they know how to cook pasta and they don't. No, Mateo. They wanted to see you butt-ass naked. Yep. With your dick out. I can cook pasta naked.

With a carbonara, you know. What's the best type of pasta to cook butt-naked? The worst would be something that sizzles. So, actually, carbonara would be terrible because the guanciale would sizzle and get your dick or skin and it would hurt.

But yeah, I'm here as the thirst trap expert because I look like a whore on my Instagram. We love it! Yeah, but you've switched it up. You've switched it up, Mateo. We're used to seeing your backside, your front side, your head and shoulders.

And you really give it to us hard and strong and long and now I feel like you know you're you have more clothes on during the quarantine it's kind of weird well i mean no i posted a picture last week of me just in my underwear my whole ass basically let me let me look i mean i see them and the poses that you use are very provocative you your legs you open you're on a boat with your butt hanging off the edge like you're on titanic i'm just like wow i was on titanic it was an expensive trip but uh yes but i also have my answer instagram

is my artwork and then the other half is just my ass that's it which is art in itself friend kind of but it's a lot of desperation really is it is it it never you guys both post sexy thirst trappy photos from time to time

I would say that there's traps I would I would really say that it's a work of art you've never you've never thrown okay no no no no that's what this no that is what the stories are for the stories is for the thirst when you when you post to the grid they don't get everything you know people usually get

um like a profile pic of me i i rarely have my full body out on instagram people definitely got that last picture last week of me it was my most liked photo and i was like well i feel accomplished good job it was your most liked photo of all time back to fortnight it was your most liked photo of time yeah well remember Mateo I sent you some nudes that I took and you were like you should post these you should post them look there's a there's a fucking pandemic happening if you want to be naked and it makes you happy then fucking do it who gives a shit what anyone else says I'm gonna be in my early hundreds one day being like why wasn't I naked more I mean, Sydney's nudes were very, very hot.

And I honestly thought you should have posted them too, sis. You could have put a little cat on your nipple and, or like a flame emoji and it would have been great. Sid, I should hook you up with a couple of photographers. There's a bunch of queer photographers. I take photos with who live in Brooklyn, who could do some cool stuff. Okay.

When this is all over. I see you didn't say you don't hook me up with those photographers. You didn't send me any pictures of your tits hanging out. Oh, my God, Mateo, you need to see them. They are so beautiful that I was, like, I was very aggressively hitting on Marie, and it got weird. And Sidney was like, I have to delete your tits. I was like, okay.

And I never deleted it. Wait, Marie, you sent a nude picture to Sidney? I sent my titties to Sidney. To the group. Why didn't I get this photo? To the group. I didn't know we were sending pictures to you, too, Mateo. i mean well i i sent it to him because i needed his advice for something and and he would my advice

was do it go for it go yeah i'm like sending busted wide open and um somebody told cindy to send a poem or post at home if anyone sent me a poem i would lay my head in traffic waiting for a semi to run me over i think poetry is incredible as it is it's embarrassing when someone like is doing it for you because you do feel the same way when someone is singing to you yeah i think it's really and i'm a singer i think it's so embarrassed like every time like when there's like someone's like can i sing you something my body like freezes up because singing is like very specific right and i'm annoying and i sing i do whistle tones and stuff but it's okay whistle tone you had to get that in there ariana grande i do whistle tones instead so i

but if someone's like i just want to like because singers are like musical theater people they're like very serious and and it's hard to like as comics it's hard to adjust to that world because we make fun of everything like we're at funerals like you know it's just like we can't help ourselves so when someone's like especially guitar like i'm gonna be like oh they wrote the lyrics it's so embarrassing i want somebody like you know that what is that singer like the word jupiter will be in a song when someone sounds like that i hate and you know what i hate i also hate those types of singers those girl singers like like that new style coming in where they act like they're on some kind of like antidepressant and

like weird like like some sort of some sort of tranquilizer that could bring an elephant to its knees just like billy eilish yeah are you saying billy i don't actually know i i'm such an old part i feel like she actually says words yeah there's like you know how there's like mumble rap there's like mumble pop too but i figured out a way to to i figured out a way to describe the voice i'm talking about so like white christmas for example like imagine a skinny white girl maybe plays the ukulele it's this is the kind of like i so zoe zoe uh kind of but i kind of like zoe dash now i it's i don't i don't know wait now kike says he wants to hear you guys screaming it screaming what screaming what what he wants kike's back um but anyways

jupiter what's what is it drops of jupiter what the fuck is that song you're talking to two black women and we don't know yeah i have no idea i'm a homosexual do you think i know what i'm talking about that's why i'm asking questions the blind leading the black yeah so we can't help you with that right now um okay so we were talking about nudes and mateo you take a lot of really sexy photos on instagram what's the craziest response you've ever gotten to one of your posts um this is one guy who messages me once a week being like i'll drive to you i'll massage you it's free i'm a physical therapist i'll oil you down every week sends the exact same message he wants to he wants to kill you and wear your skin friend yeah and at this point i'm so bored i might let him you know

i uh i don't know it's yeah i get i get a lot of messages just you know it's it's actually quite nice it's nice i'm sure it is it's people saying very pleasant things and sometimes you can chit chat and flirt out of it and you know they're they're what they are meant to be a thirst trap is a thirst trap you're trying to trap someone but that's crazy because if i feel like if i post like a picture and i'm partially nude everyone's like look at that thirsty bitch her comedy career over Sydney that is a lot I get that too there was a guy I posted this picture of me in the bathroom last week uh which was an old photo by the way I mean just all tbts and he wrote he was like wow I remember when you used to be a comedian and I blocked I blocked him

did you date him before why was he so rude no just because this one gay guy was like you're terrible representation of gay people now that we finally have gay comics you're just uh you're just the standard like boring thirst trap gay blah blah blah i'm like as i wrote back to him and i said well you can start going to open mics and become the gay comic you'd like to see fuck you also now that we have gay comedians wasn't ellen like did ellen not happen like gay i think game gay men i think it's like very it's like um it's a there's a renaissance if you will uh of queer men uh doing comedy and that's not been so visible before well do those other queer male comedians have abs like let's talk yeah joel cambusa looks fucking great joel cambusa

so does duane so does duane perkins yeah duane perkins is hot and i mean i'm not the only one most most male comedians look like sweet potatoes so i'm glad that you guys got abs you guys are and what do you want me to do like it's bald and bald get become a balding man and hit watermelons like yes what do you want me to do like wear suspenders and be like my vibrators got two settings on and on like they want you to look like louis ck that's what they want girl can you imagine imagine you wearing the same black t-shirt every fucking day wearing bootcut jeans just pulling your dick out looking like a shitty steve jobs yeah you looking like a mannequin from Kohl's?

Oh, man. That would hurt. No, he would look like a Kohl's manager, matter of fact. Kohl's manager. A Kohl's manager dressing a mannequin at Kohl's. Yes, yes, yes. The sadness. I'm dressed in the window. Ew, no.

But tell you, if you look like that, you would probably not be our friend. Just letting you know. Look, I like working out, and I like going to the gym, and I... So what? I don't care. No, there's What am I going to do? Not work out because a few people don't like it?

I don't think so. Listen, I made a cheesecake yesterday. It's in the fridge. A what? A cheesecake. Oh, work. How did you make it? I'm going to send you the link.

Actually, I don't care. It's about cheesecake. People aren't going to want to hear about that. No, no, no. But that's not why I'm bringing it up. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

That's not why I'm bringing it up. So in one of my videos in my story, there's like squishy butter. And I was like, look how soft and squishy this butter is. fellas this is what some of your bodies look like do some sit-ups and so many men slid in my dms to be like oh only men are squishy women can't like and it's like yeah you're upset because your body but i wasn't talking like and it's like if you think you can't take anything personal if like if you don't apply to this why are you why are you getting upset you mad at i think if i think if you post a picture let's say you have like a really hot body right and then you're like

oh you know like getting really fat in quarantine or something it's like all right let's right you look great come on let's calm down over here right you know um but i think if i'm just like posting pictures of myself because i like to be naked whatever whatever who gives a shit i will say who gives a shit i feel like joy bayhart like who cares i will say though material i feel like i've been in like a random public place before and i opened my instagram and your dick was just there on the screen it was like i'm sorry pastor fry i'm just looking at my friends i mean pastor fry there's been so many times where i just well you'll be in my stories and all of these gays will be in my dms like you know mateo lane you're friends with mateo

is he single can you hook us up and it's just like what is Matteo doing that I need to do I want this same energy grow mustache cook pasta and play Fortnite you gotta put your pussy on live yeah

put my pussy on live that is some bars right there I'm putting my pussy on jubilee yes i put my pussy on jupiter live only fans fans only only fans jupiter live mariah she remixes it a thousand times okay i'm sorry no i was i just wanted to see i wanted to know if you remember what your first thirst trap photo was yes i remember i was in the uh central park

with evan williams and we entered this like comic uh frisbee contest and we were like we don't know how to frisbee but we're each other's partners so we ran to central park and then uh felicia his wife took this will all live we all live together felicia's wife took a picture and i like pulled my pants down like that and it got a big reaction i was like oh this was kind of fun and then it blew and then me and nicole byer were doing photos together so we were doing like both of us naked at the pool both of us in our underwear in the pool both of us then we started like talking to different photographers and like getting as naked as possible as we could with each other and like laying on each other and doing christmas photos with each other this is a nicole brand yeah and

then stavros me and stavros and nicole byer have like like a series continuing to go sydney this is what we should be doing in 2020 sis you guys were part of it i just posted the picture of all together we had clothes up we did we had actually we had way too many clothes on yeah so much kind of looked silly with you guys it was like should we all just take our tops off marie so would you marie would you do a back-to-back kind of like nude photo with me yep yo i can't even imagine all the likes on that yeah you guys would explode you think we'd break the internet yeah but the thing is that marie works out she like her body is hard okay it's a hard body it's yes it's so sexy sydney i'm in quarantine it's delicious now you heard me you heard me masturbate yoga today

so i'm not even going to the gym anymore uh you have the same amount of time as everybody but like jump a rope or you know i basically ordered so much gym equipment that all i'm missing as a receptionist so we can you can literally be equinox in that that apartment over there yeah but less hateful um and then i just got uh rollerblades so i can get called faggot in person not just online and wait um skate skates are gay rollerblades are gay remember that joke like what's the hardest thing about rollerblading telling your mom that you're gay i feel like rollerblades were cool i don't know that i don't know that you've never heard that joke before which joke is that oh so like and i think some other comic has made this joke so like

i'm not even i'm not i just know i've heard this before this has not come from me but like basically rollerblades are really cool and then one person called them gay and they were out the window and so i feel like they're starting to make a comeback now right like i see other people rollerblading or maybe i just follow a bunch of gay men on instagram i've been rollerblading that's been my style i mean let's go rollerblading can we meet up in central park and go roller oh see now that's where you're playing yourself because central park is very hard to rollerblade it is not right well the incline incline so that's good for your butt darlin you heard mateo she's not trying to work out nothing i mean she just laid down in the

middle of this interview we can she did it and i was like well let me also sit we can mateo we could do the west side highway that's what i'm in for well i feel like the west side highways even harder because there's less space oh right now in covid yes actually yeah how much space do you need to rollerblade you you doing i need about six truck lanes you doing some tara lapinski moves over there let's just talk about it i'm doing i'm pulling a nancy i'm pulling a tanya harding and just breaking everyone's knees okay mateo when you're rollerblading what are you wearing give us a look give us a look head to toe um thong thigh high jellies a beret and i'm carrying a baguette he said uh did you say thigh high jellies i said what i said that is a sweaty

ass boot that that doesn't even make any sense it gets the job done and i'm backlit the whole time and there's a beyonce fan in front of you yeah okay mateo um great places to rollerblade in the summertime um like under bridges like uh washington heights um okay so also places to get stabbed yeah it's like do you like danger do you like danger mateo mateo meanwhile i'm like i'm wearing like a wig and like rainbow colors like hey boys you know just you're like living my best life i love this for you um i can't rollerblade i can't skate um i've just never learned nicole byers trying to learn right now and so she i saw her on the floor it was so funny i texted her today just a video of me blading because i thought she'd think it was fun because

i i saw her doing it like you know i used to play hockey and rollerblade and i'm really good i I should buy rollerblades. So I did. And her first response was, how are you moving forward? Oh, my God. This girl. Yo, when this is over, we need to go skating. Because I need to learn how to skate.

OK. I put them on and fall right down. OK. And there's even a place in Central Park where people rollerblade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, but that's too hot. That's too hot traffic. I need a little place in Bushwick or something.

are you wearing elbow pads knee pads are you wearing a helmet like no none of that no I'm wearing I'm wearing a mask that's it coronavirus coronavirus yeah I'm wearing I'm just wearing a mask

which would not protect you if you get in an accident right well he's gonna land on the mask sis he's gonna put his face forward I had to find I bought hockey rollerblades because a lot of the rollerblades are like mom blades. They got that

giant chunk of plastic on the back. Wait, wait, wait. No, that's called a break, bitch. That's a break, and I have that. I have a break, and it's for protection. It's safety. I'm not that confident in my stopping, so I don't do that. Don't do that,

Mateo. Don't. Ooh, I'm upset. Sydney, you're a good rollerblader, though. We've seen the footage. Am I? Wait, Sydney, do you wear all the stuff? I wear the for the wrists i do the wrist guards i don't do the elbow or the knees i do the wrists because usually if you fall you're gonna fall on your hands wait so mateo what are hockey rollerblades can you go get them to show us are they close do you want me to go get them yes all right hold on

this is really interesting for everybody at home i mean well they're not gonna see this we're gonna describe it it's really for us um i got somebody with protective gear you're like oh they must had just started rollerblading those are beautiful those are really really they're really pretty they're very hockey rollerblades yeah yeah they're from like a hockey because i i i like the first i'm so gay i'm like i like the way the lace looks better than the like like that strap thing you put in and uh it takes a long time actually to get like to wear them in but they're cute they're like they have a little orange they're black and and white and i like they look like a black converse with white laces and orange yeah they're really cute i like them a lot sydney what color are your

rollerblades should i go get mine i mean i honestly sydney i don't know how you will find them how long it will take it's not gonna it's they right they are they okay go get them friend we'll start the time now well your time starts now Sydney's gonna find her blades

I feel like you know low-key Sydney's like a little bit of a hoarder so I'm like where are these Sydney's blades are on Jupiter

Mateo your kitchen is like little like mine mine this is so look at this kitchen this is my kitchen right here

actually maybe mine is bigger than yours yours is way bigger i would love to have that kitchen literally you had to you had to do a panorama i'm just here's mine i know so gag gag these are for children these are the children because you know the children are on sale okay okay so they're all black and they got a little bit of blue and they have like breast cancer emblem on there for the kids for the kids they have a usb port they have

Sydney's roller skates are actually those the shoes that the kids wear with wheels on them on the sidewalk no they're really Sydney's skates are just a stroller Mateo yours are really nice now that I think about it I'm like should I get new roller skates these were a little expensive

though how much were they you know not gonna share wow they were like I'm gonna go ahead Alexa how much do hockey roller skates cost 86 dollars I spent

I mean wait They're very expensive I'm not gonna say No they're more than They were like They were like 200 bucks Yeah they're more I was like they're more than that

There's no way But there are hockey There are skates you can find That were like a thousand dollars And I was like that is a lot of fucking money that's somebody's hockey yeah right yeah right right right so this is this is just to look gay well but there it's good leg workouts though you could play roller hockey oh so they're not but that's like the that's like the people who can't play professionally

yeah overseas so roller hockey is like like those are the people you see at chelsea pierce though you those are i think they have i think they have ice hockey at chelsea beard oh okay they probably have both honestly i actually don't know where a roller rink is in new york city it's in staten island they're opening one in brooklyn i think actually might already actually i don't know but there's one in brooklyn it's instead is it just in all of manhattan there's not one roller rink there's got to be one in brooklyn there's got to be like a speakeasy like one you got to pull a button and a bookcase shifts and then you're skating with people marie but remember we went to the house of yes for my birthday and it was like a roller skating party and it was the

saddest thing every everybody was upset and mad at me sydney was like because sydney mateo and i'm sure you could probably tell sydney's one of these people that's like it's my it's my birthday month right so for her birth and her birthday is the february 2nd so it's like top of the month top of the month and then she's like I want to go skating for my birthday but none of my friends want to go skating and we were like well we're your friends and this is the first time we're hearing about

this and she's like this is what I want to do and we were like okay we'll go skating and we show up to that house of yes which is like you know a place where people go dance and get drunk and do drugs it's a perfect place to do ketamine

perfect everybody was in there wearing roller skates well was it a themed night or were we it was a theme roller skating night so it's like disco there's like older men skating like someone's dad oh it was it was messy boots there was like young people in there um you know with their fisher price skates it was a lot happening um that was me i was there and then you know we showed up I can't skate so I didn't put skates on I just stood there and took photos with them and that was that was my night um did you feel good about that afterwards Sydney I didn't and I realized I was like my birthday is not about me it's about what I can do that my friends will also want to do you know right I don't do anything for my birthday when is your birthday June 28th

I'm putting it in my phone I usually don't tell anyone I don't post well maybe I'll post about it i post about an instagram that's about it but i don't do any like party nothing i just like i'll get dinner with like one or two friends that's it wait june 21st 8 28 you guys have to remember this make sure you know lane and i'm putting sunday i'm putting it in my calendar and i'm making it repeat every year it's always the exact same day of pride because it's the anniversary of stonewall riots so and the death of judy garland so i'm like a real homosexual wow okay um you were born you were born so she could die no she could die so you could be born that's what that's a really problematic day to have like a birthday well it's kind of fun it's a fun celebration

and of like the tragedy that we endured so you know i like it it's pride it's always pride but i actually don't i don't really go to pride parades either i get overwhelmed oh wait i don't like parades hold on mateo guy who has this whole back and dick out is like no pride can't do it i'm you know just a very like not that i can't do it but like pride you know pride is one of those things where it's like new year's where like every person you know has like a very specific plan or like this or that and you get so overwhelmed and you're like can't can't we just like go somewhere and like like if i could do pride it would be like can we sit at a diner and talk about how great patty labelle is like i mean that would be pride to me but instead it's like it's like a

party and people do drugs or people dance and drink and i don't do any of that stuff so i'm like i get anxiety i get huge anxiety so i let you don't dance or do drugs or drink yeah what kind of gay are you mateo what kind of i sing opera and love strizing how much gayer do i need to be but you don't dance no i don't i'm not a good dancer i don't like to go out dancing did we dance in new orleans together we just drank and there was a lot of running i feel like you did you can't look you give us a little swag yeah i i mean i can like you know on the like if i'm if the if i go to it and i was like in my young 20s i would go to like roscoe's in chicago and dance or whatever i don't i get major anxiety

about stuff like that and you don't smoke weed no i don't smoke weed i don't do any drugs and i don't really drink the last time i drank i think was in october or maybe november but i i didn't realize that we're so similar sydney you dance all the don't do that don't you dare do that I can't believe wow I'm also shy yeah it's it's not like an insecurity thing it's just like a anxiety thing I just don't I never know what to do with myself I'm not like I never know what to do when I go into a club I like to go see drag shows I like going with my crew and seeing like a drag show or like if Bob or Monet are performing or my friend Free is performing and we can go sit down like we'll go to this show called The Help

with pixie aventura and keisha like i i like watching that kind of stuff because i'm sitting in someone's entertaining you know and it's not like i don't have to participate anyway besides screaming out like for a drag race or for drag suicide what song i want to hear and i always yell the pokemon theme song and they never play wait sing the pokemon theme song for us right now uh pokemon gotta catch them all i know it's my destiny pokemon why you're my best friend in a world we must defend right wait but the beginning of the song is is it is it not i will travel uh across the land searching far and wide at doom doom doom doom pokemon no director is gonna do that who would yeah i actually feel like that theme song is very

homophobic so yeah how they're not like sucking cock we'll go to hell and jupiter gotta catch them all pokemon um mateo so it's so crazy because you have all these thirst traps within in real life you're kind of like a librarian well i can like to take those photos and then not like go dancing i don't know i feel like those are aren't mutually exclusive i'm just saying if i've met you on a dating app and then you're like saw those photos i would love to just you know watch a show with my sweater on well i like to okay well let's not please you can't sit back i'm not like cardigan for reality tv watching i'm not meeting i'm not meeting people and going over an ll bean catalog i mean but usually on first dates i like i'm very

good on first date oh tell us tell us i'm very well you know you're putting on a show you're performing i'm comfortable with the with controlling the energy of the room and entertaining and usually i'll pick the restaurant so like i know what's or you know it's like i'm very good with like first dates after first dates crumble it's like i did my show it went well now what you know like i can't there's nothing else for me to so what do you what do you think you get wrong on dates like why do you think you're not good after the first one i well you know if i go on a couple dates is fine but then like if the relationship starts you know it's a chemistry thing and sometimes you just don't mesh with people's chemistry or i second guess myself

i'm very like in my head about did i say the right thing did i do the right yeah but i'm not like the confident like you know i'm i'm i'm needy is what i am which is insane because every time i see you i'm like mateo is the person that people want to hang out with take pictures with right you you're so funny friends friends are fine but like boyfriends it's like i i think i like put in my mind like a different expectation so i it's somehow i view that differently than friendships and i'm never quite in the moment when i'm like interested in a guy you know what i'm the same fucking way you said you're never in the moment i'm too insecure in the sense of like i worry too much if i said the wrong thing did the wrong thing doing the wrong thing you know i like comedy clubs

and I feel most at home in comedy clubs because, like, if I walk into the cellar and I see the table of comics, I know that they are going to respect me for the jokes and work ethic that I have as opposed to maybe how do I look or, like, you know, like, I don't know. I'm very, like, I guess I'm, I guess I'm,

I don't know, maybe, I don't know how to quite describe it, but I get, like, I fall apart because I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be or act a certain way if I really like a guy. that is fascinating because i think that that's something that is universal like maybe not to the same extent for everybody but everybody i think everybody that is not a straight man i think thinks about but even even straight men i you know like a lot of a lot of our friends are straight a

lot of comics we know are straight and i think they go through the same thing i don't really i don't really associate with that i feel like straight men won't even wash their face before they go on some dates they just show up with a dry pillow crease and you're like i contoured my face and it's like yeah they'll pick up a shirt that's been in the corner for weeks and they're like yeah i think this is good this is good to go yeah and they wear his pants it was funny because uh evan williams played fortnight with me and bob and my crew and when evan was on like the phone with us talking bob goes i haven't spoken to a straight person in months he's like i forgot how straight people talk he's like i haven't spoken to a straight person in

literally months and so yeah yeah i mean have i spoken to a straight person oh yes i spoke to my mom yesterday yes she's always eating she's always eating like a sweet potato when she calls me and i'm like no i'm not coming can you go visit your parents or no yeah i can um my cousin i mean my brother i think is picking me up next friday me and my sister will you tell your mom i said hi i will i want to go there and speak french with her she's going to be eating a sweet potato while she's talking to you bonsoir la mer de mon ami bonjour matel hi matel she likes sydney too but hi sydney i love your mom she's just loud she's just like a sweet sweet person and i mean marie you're becoming more like your mom every yeah every month you think i'm becoming sweeter

friend yes i will say i will say when i when i've been recently when i've been having a bad time it's been easier for you to just like be there and say the right thing and be like oh well friend i'll listen yes yes yes sydney but you like to say that it's because i'm getting dick so you know that is true she's like i love marie getting dick this is great she called me the other day just to be like you look great you look great you're smiling and uh i like that you're getting dick which is what friends are for that's what friends are for did you ever see that video of luther vandross whitney houston dion warwick and stevie wonders singing that song in like the 80s no no it sounds like a riot well it's great because they're all

great singers except dion and uh but isn't dion on the original song yes but she sounds like she's beef jerky don't you do that to my dion that's the same voice you do i heard i heard lindsey lohan is an escort now and that's how she's paying her bills and honestly more power to her but i'm just like who trying to pay for that like i saw her snatch in the early 2000s and it wasn't a site where how did you see it was like there was a link there was a couple of you know she she was wearing a dress without panties and we saw it and that's when they were calling her fire crotch and everything uh but i thought they were calling her fire crotch because she has red hair we assume no we saw that

we saw the fire crotch came from that guy who was friends with paris hilton and he was like another rich kid and he was drunk or high and he was on tmz and they asked about lindsey lohan and he was drunkenly screaming fire crotch that's how that started but because he saw her crotch you know he just seemed like he was high he seemed like a real monster i just googled fire crotch bunch of gingers popped up is gender a slur no no it's not i don't think so i would i guess have to ask our redheaded friends i would totally date uh a redheaded black person i would a redheaded what friend black person like a redhead but they're black No, ma'am.

Carrot Top, that is wrong. Carrot Top, you mean the new Ariel? Is Carrot Top an African-American? Carrot Top is not Black. We don't want him and we don't claim him if he was. Matea, when we post this for your episode on Instagram, I'm going to include a picture of Carrot Top. Carrot Top, the planet Jupiter, and a bowl of pasta. And a bowl of pasta. Yes, that's going to be at the very end.

But it's going to be like a slideshow of all your like thirstiest traps. Yes. Okay. Right? So maybe. I have some, there was one of just my ass on a boat. I mean, literally just my ass. And I was like, this is too much.

Mateo, are you. So you posted it? Oh, what'd you say, Marie? I said, so you posted it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So Mateo, are you looking for somebody? Are you trying to date or, you know.

I'm looking for Juvit. I'm well I'm in quarantine so I guess that means nothing you're in quarantine but you just bought rollerblades so you outside yeah but I mean rollerblades I'm not fucking them I'm blading with them yeah but so you're in quarantine

but you will still be going outside yeah alone I mean I literally have been alone for 50 some days I did one social distance walk with my crew like a month ago what's this with the show with with my crew yes this is the m word oh okay the m word yeah you know

you've never heard that expression ever in your life sydney of my crew yeah from like my are you gram grams are you nana are you like in your early hundreds like no who's my crew my boys yeah they're my crew okay that's what we call it my my crew calls it the crew my girlfriend my girlfriend no but when we get out of here you're gonna be ready to pop it lock it drop it i don't know you are don't say i don't i'm being honest with you i don't know i have no idea why i don't talk to us because i i i'm telling i don't have anything i don't know how to elaborate i just i don't know you don't know if you want to have sex after this is over well sex that's a completely different story well that's what i thought you said you

a relationship i want to get i i'm not to like pull a political like a politician answer like i'm really trying to focus on my work but like i want to get on stage i want to sit with comics and eat chicken and and green beans from the cellar and gossip and chat and have a good time when we get out of this that's crazy because that's the last thing i want to do i want to get out i want to go to the craziest party i want to relapse no i'm kidding uh girl please do not relapse after this quarantine imagine i went through a whole i would be so upset yeah we would be we would throw uh rollerblades at you that hard plastic break apart unless she's relapsing on rollerblades in which case we'll find something else in which case i can't i can't

catch her you know you can have fun i want to have a good time i want to hug my people i want to dance yeah i want to hug i you know what i want to do go to like i want to go to my favorite restaurants yes i miss restaurants yeah i miss i miss i haven't ordered out any i've only ordered out one meal since this whole quarantine what'd you order i ordered uh shake shack is when i had strep throat last week and i was so sick that's what you got it i want it but i i had lost my appetite so i was like i want to eat something greasy and good and i don't want to fucking cook and so i just ordered shake shack i got a double cheeseburger with fries and a shake oh vanilla milkshake a chocolate they have hair in it no what is with you why are you against shape because i

had a long string of hair in my fucking chicken sandwich that sounds like your problem somebody's weave was in sydney sandwich because we got we got to a black shake shack so it was 23 inches or 26 inches it was peruvian it was it was peruvian hair it was virgin uncut peruvian hair yeah it was it was actually everybody and there was not a peruvian person in the shake shack so um okay so can you tell us what you've been i mean this is us at the end of the episode can you tell us what you've been doing to stay sane alone um i know i've said it a couple times but literally playing fortnight me and bob actually me last night me yamanika saunders jordan rock and monroe martin and jermaine fowler we've been playing and marina franklin we've been we've been

playing fortnight the whole crew the whole crew is there the crew crew is there yeah it's a it's a you know it's a game if you've not played it it's like the hunger games it's like last man standing you're all dropped into like a world and you collect guns and shoot each other and stuff but it's really just an excuse to get on the phone and it's a hangout you're just hanging out while you're focusing on obviously like a a common goal of we need to win and we have to kill these people blah blah blah right but you're just hanging out shooting so shooting people shooting people yeah yeah yeah so that's basically been it i haven't drawn at all um i'm cooking a lot which i enjoy cooking yes um i don't ever have time to cook because i'm never i've this

i've never home you guys know stay busy stay booked traveling i'm like mateo where are you he's like i'm on a boat i'm doing a i'm on a cruise what i'm in the i'm in the never again i'll never do a cruise again for the rest of my life yeah i think that's a i think that's a wrap on the cruises yeah i think cruises should be all sunk oh i mean what a horrible just sheet mentality like wait talk about it what's wrong with cruises i've never been i don't like cruises oh just the food is the food is bad the food is bad it's bad if the food was amazing yeah you have to be fucked up or old to like a cruise and i you know look i went on two cruises and like the people on the cruise are great like i went on a gay cruise and that was fun right you know what

i mean but like that's just not my style i'm not i don't want to be like herded off into some town walking around being like oh look at this tchotchke and then getting back on a fucking boat like that's not how i by vacation i want to go like if i go to italy for example i don't want two hours in rome off of a cruise and like fanny packing and russia i want to like live in rome for 10 days yeah it's not it's not enough right okay but i some people love it they just want to be told what to do and that's good for them but i hate cruises i've never been on a cruise sydney have you I sure have and it was okay let me set the scene so it was like a it was like a house party it was like a house party groove cruise and we went to Miami it was a groove cruise we went to

miami i'm there with my friend jennifer vanessa all these djs and we we you know we get on the cruise and immediately it's the house music people and then all of these senior citizens and families it was just like what are they doing i was like are they going to be doing um meth on this boat too like what's up so we get meth we invented meth this is a meth cruise pretty much so we go into our room the tiniest rooms ever and it was just like yo we paid all this money what is the hustle so as soon as we get in um my friends are like okay so we're gonna we're gonna do like drugs now and i was like whoa whoa whoa we're we're on the boat like we should just chill and they're like no no we're gonna we're gonna do it now so they took tissue and

they put ecstasy and um cocaine in on the tissue in on tissue and they balled it up and you have to like drop it and it was like um what do you mean drop drop it into what i have to swallow it so it can kind of like go in your stomach and like explode i don't know well that's how it when i took it and when i tell you i was on the toilet throwing up and the toilets are not real toilets on a cruise yeah they're like no because it's like a bathroom toilet but when you press the button too like it's like that suction scene yeah like like it's like a plane yes it's like airplane honey i was holding on so everybody is lit having a good time bitches on the toilet all night just and then when my friend at the time comes back she still hears me throwing up and

she's like girl i gotta go to sleep and i was like wait hold on you guys gave me these drugs and now i can't sleep and i'm throwing up this is not my fault well did you take too much did you take expired meth no i just i think she swallowed cocaine in mouth i think she had the normal response my body just couldn't handle it so who's swallowing cocaine are you whitney houston yes absolutely well i mean the ghost of whitney was in my body and uh whitney wouldn't have been thrown up sis she would have been downstairs with the old people so then i had the shakes like the like the rest of the night sounds awful and we're on the cruise everywhere we went like we're in the caribbean and it's cold like the weather sucks we get off the boat and

we're supposed to have this beach party and you literally need a turtleneck but all we have is summer clothes so i'm on the beach freezing i'm this was like probably me at my skinniest because i'm doing drugs i'm not eating enough my wig my wig is snatched but cute i look like a bobblehead and so everybody has these shawls and they're trying to cover up and it's just me in this in this purple bikini for i looked like a crackhead an american apparel you were you were You were a crackhead, yes. I was not on crackhead. Is this before or after the boobs?

This was before the boobs. So I was really, I was flat, flat on the chest, on the butt and everything. And the food was disgusting. Well, the food on cruises, they managed to make the chicken and the apples taste the same. The exact same. They boil everything? Like in my mind, that's. Yeah, just, it's all like a blandness.

Like if they had a seasoning of bland, that's what they would use and everything. people were people were actually in the jacuzzi in the waters and it was weird because it just everything looked dirty everybody had sunglasses on it didn't matter if it was nighttime or daytime if we're inside the the boat there's like no lights on people had sunglasses the whole time it was they were on drugs yeah it was a moving it was a mute a moving mule because i feel like we were mules like taking the the drugs from miami to the caribbean and then we we we did a a round trip and we came back we brought the drugs back to miami so people are swallowing cocaine in the clinics yes i can't it was awful i'll never i would never do that again i don't

recommend i mean i can't say i had that experience i was mainly upset about the uh the waving on the boat like the kind of oh yes the last night you're like well after i swallowed molly and cocaine my friend told me i was too loud after throwing up i'm like oh this sounds like a nightmare mateo's like i don't like cruises sydney's like me neither after i swallowed all those drugs i had a terrible time it's like right well you would have had a bad time in like heaven bad in any i can't even get the most expensive hotel in the world you swallow cocaine and molly it's not gonna be fun yo when i tell you that boat was rock the boat work the middle work them i had motion sickness the last night and i was crying because i was like i just want to get home

it was how many nights were you on the cruise how many nights were you on the cruise we did like three three four i was like this needs to be done yeah it was i did a cruise for seven no eight days i think i was texting you while you were on that cruise because you were working right yes i did one show what is a gay cruise like it's just a bunch of people with sexy bodies uh doing drugs um yeah yeah that's exactly right okay all right all right well well we've learned a lot you guys we have i think don't do cruises don't swallow cocaine and molly at the same damn time well i don't think that's something that we needed to be taught but um thank you so much you don't feel that that was self-evident yeah i don't think that wow i've seen locked up abroad

i'm not doing judgment the goddamn nerve on the unofficial expert today wow the fact that you thought we weren't gonna judge you after that story it says a lot about abuses i need to lose the people i keep over here my crew don't swallow drugs um okay my crew doesn't everyone's sober all of your friends are sober too oh my and my crew everyone's sober but one person okay all right okay well love to see it um okay well before we go uh mateo i just want you to tell us where you're gonna take your first trip when this is over italy oh sydney should we go to Yeah, I'm down with it. If I have any money left, let's do it.

Who did you just look at, Marie? My Google Home is talking to me. Oh, I was like, you live alone and you're just like, hold on. Yes. I'm like, who are you talking to? Well, I mean, Mateo, I've had company come through here. So, I mean. Work.

Sure have. Sydney's been here. Carolina's coming to see me tomorrow. Yeah. Well, where are you guys going? First. we wanted to go to berlin but obviously that's out yeah we'll wait we'll wait until 2021 for god godzilla is probably gonna come in 2021

no the the murder horn murder murder hornets are gonna get us yeah oh i just watched the whole i watched a scientist talk about last night he's like one they're not called murder hornets two he's like um there's they've only caught like one and it was dead and so it it wasn't like a queen and didn't have like a nest and there's probably not going to be an infestation of quote-unquote murder hornets in north america it's just for the news everyone's like murder hornets they're like one dead one like murder hornets how about murder disease let's worry about what's happening right now how about murder drugs that you said yeah i saw i saw like a little meme with murder hornet like coming to new york and it had like a tim's on and a do-rag oh wait chrissy

cello sent me the funniest meme last night let me show you two before i go because i was absolutely screaming i was laughing so hard i love a good meme and i yeah i know so me in 10 years a cashier's like sir your bill is 2020 and then it's just all the mess that's happening like purell murder hornets coronavirus it's like you have like ptsd of 2020 tiger king is in here like empty aisles toilet paper that's so real you know who's not in that photo carol baskin's husband yeah um carol baskin carol baskin well guys i gotta run i'm doing my podcast with emma in like 10 minutes tell her we said hi yeah she should she should do the podcast too what's she up to yeah um mateo she's too yeah i'm sorry i was gonna say thank you so much

guys thanks for having me i had a lot of fun you guys have to follow mateo because he's everything more and you you know he gives you the thirst traps you need also if you want feedback on your nudes go ahead and slide them into his dms and uh i don't but i did not co-sign this here's what i want you to do i want you to go to mateo's profile page and the picture that is the hottest the thirstiest trappist put those palm trees on there you know what i was so confused when all of a sudden i was i was at the gym it's like half a year ago all of a sudden like a bunch of palm trees were all over my instagram i was like oh god what celebrity did i piss off but also who's the celebrity of palm trees the celebrity is your friend and you guys didn't even think tell me you

just let me sit in that existence for like a solid hour of well because because we say stuff on the podcast and we were recording so many episodes at a time that we would forget that we said it yeah right because i was like go to his profile and i said the same exact thing leave palm trees under your favorite post of his and then the thing went up two weeks later and mateo was like who did i piss off and it's like well if all of a sudden you're getting a bunch of emojis i'm like oh god and it's so funny that you messaged us and you were like do you know what celebrity has palm trees i know i i messaged you too first i have no idea why we're like it's isn't that crazy that i just like instinctively didn't message you guys that's our shady asses

yeah um anyway it was so good to see my friends today my crew yeah god my crew is so tight so wet i love um make sure you guys review comment subscribe you know don't forget about us in this quarantine bitch yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah stay off those cruise ships and if you do go on a cruise ship maybe don't swallow a balloon full of drugs yeah don't do that don't be a mule be a winner not a mule yeah uh okay bye guys this has been a forever dog production executive produced by brett boehm joe cilio and alex ramsey for more original podcasts please visit forever dog podcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on apple podcasts spotify or wherever you get your podcasts keep up with the latest forever dog news

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