MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Travel Expert" with Bowen Yang

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

What country in the world has the best food? What airline has the hottest flight attendants? whats the cheapest day to book a plane ticket?? We literally have no idea but we DID learn how someone can accidentally do Crystal Meth...on a first date. Bowen Yang from our favorite podcast: Las Culturistas, is our TRAVEL expert and he sharing hes favorite places in the world to visit and his Grindr horror stories. Also, bonus I Dont Think So Honeys, for that ass. Grab that glass pipe & listen right now.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

no we weren't we didn't start but we're starting now hi guys i'd love to trick you marie i'd love to make you think that it's recording i don't like that you can control the uh the garage band well you can take over shout out to garage band if you want to sit over here you can boo no this is your couch so i can see you guys i'd like to see you guys you like to be at the head of the table at the foot of the table is that the head of the table i think it's the head window seat whatever i like to be there um sydney how you doing you got braids i got brave now you looking real nubian goddess i'm bringing back the brandy you look like you wear an unk chain yeah like a you say like the black israelites you look like you hang out with those guys soon as i got them

i was like incense everywhere natural deodorant no bra coconut oil everywhere just a thin sheer shirt oh i don't even wear a bra it goes all the way out just really it's zoe kravitz uh-huh my nipples like have spoken word at night yes your nipples snap yes they do that's how that's them chafing in my bra well i mean you need there's there's butters for that they're creams yeah they're oils you look like you use essential oils yeah no what about you marie you look very exfoliated like shining well you know your eyebrows look great do they thank you so much Well, you allegedly, naturally, your eyebrows are shaped like that. I don't, they don't grow.

I don't know why you said allegedly. These are facts. Marie, every time I ask Marie about something about her, oh, yeah, honey, these are natural. What are you talking about? Sis, look, look, I'm licking my finger, and then I'm wiping it on my brow. I know you don't draw them in, but I'm like, you don't tweeze or nothing. They don't grow. The last time I got my eyebrows done was for my high school prom.

So, legit, three years ago. Class of 2015. here we go allegedly here we go here we go again we were just listening to that song that's kelly roland and trina and it's a great ratchet love song or no it's not a love song it's like it's like a breakup uh anthem yeah it's like fuck you dude no we're not we're not doing this again here we go with your bullshit lies talking about that's just a friend but it's not she's calling you at three o'clock in the morning i miss a song like that i do too like a song that tells a story yeah and i hate well no i miss the bridge of a song they don't do bridges anymore i feel like songs

still have bridges really the way songs are structured but well i'm not a musician the way the migos migos and nikki minaj they don't have none of that they just like go straight to migos dude i mean they don't even know what a verb is or a pronoun or a bridge those those taco friends whatever they are i mean it's three of them plus you featuring somebody else like there's no space for a bridge. Wait, does migos mean taco friends in Spanish? I thought migos just meant friends. Oh, well, I thought there was a migos. They're missing an A.

What's a tacos friend? Well, I just was like, migos. It's foolish. Okay, wow. What a journey we've been through, and it's only been like two minutes. The people are already like, ugh. One of them is pretty dumb. Shut up! The other sounds like she's got beautiful eyebrows.

Oh my gosh. I have braids now, so there's no way I could be dumb. You should be more woke than this. I'm super woke. My eyes are all the way open are they they look a little glazed they look a little yellow they're heavy oh that's that jaundice that's that sickle cell which is not which is not funny it's not funny at all because i have the trait i have the sickle cell trait so like if i have children with a man that also has the trait my kids will be t-bars well we already know you're gonna be with a white man so you definitely not gonna be with a european

man so no not a vintage way uh-huh no you're gonna get those uncut dudes the ones with the hoodies on the dick sleeve the sleeve dick a little turtleneck dick yeah the steve jobs dick yeah the steve jobs thing yeah i think that's in your cars marie i see it thank you so much sydney what were you an expert in this week oh expert in mismanaging money taxes get into it just because remember last year i owed the irs 20 100 2100 yeah right and it was not a lot well because i didn't claim like some of the money yeah i didn't you know which you shouldn't even have to claim anyways they were like it's due tomorrow and i was like damn oh you know what my mom lent me the money and that's why oh now is my mom it's so good to have a mom right i can't do

that ramona if i'd be like hey mom should hang up so that can't that's not my truth so i allegedly owe them 6 500 from 2012 6 500 american dollars yes i was like oh that's nothing that's nothing to like be pressed about y'all the government y'all got coins exactly that's how i felt about my 2000 that's what i thought since i was like it's in 2012 like it's already been so long like we just call it even hold on so you owed them two thousand dollars in 2012 yes and the interest built yes six thousand dollars yes that's what really happened so long story short they put a hold on my account so i can't get none of my money you are will smith in the pursuit of happiness because that's what happened to him no i'm wesley snipes because i'm fleeing to the i'm fleeing to

thailand i'm gonna have cornrows and i'm gonna be selling opioids there's no way they're not getting this money dude they got they put all like so you can't use any of your account none of my money and i feel like that's why i haven't been getting my checks but you haven't got your check from that place i know you did message me yesterday so i was like oh well then so i was like it's just that place it's not yeah it's bad so ain't no swiping for you there will be no swiping marie when does the hold get removed oh when everything is paid off so are they gonna just take the money from the account or they're just holding it so you can't get it and they can't get it um gag i haven't done my taxes since 2012 so i have to do my taxes from 2012 to 2017 that's

like six years of taxes yes so until all of that is squared away i can't use my city bank oh my god i guess you just the guest so i'm gonna be hanging out with the guests because i know the guests got coins the guest is gagging yeah well i'm gonna be with the guests i'm gonna be your dependent boo speaking of dependents yes this week i was an expert at basically being like an instagram like model oh basically what's that so you know i i did some some different something different with my with my natural hair recently and i posted a video and people are like your hair looks amazing and this like company hit me up and they're like hey sis we want to send you some of our products so you can like maintain your natural hair and they sent me a box like a crate

of stuff okay so you passionate ones no i'm not because they didn't send it to you um you know it's me. I'm going to wear it. I'm going to try it for like 90 days and then hopefully my hair will be nine inches longer. Well, what is it? It's just... It's like hair vitamins. It's leave-in conditioner, like hot oil treatment stuff, shampoo, scalp stuff. They sent me like

13 or 14 things. What about how many like vitamins? I can't take... You don't even take vitamins. I do. Don't even do that to me right now in front of the guests. I do take vitamins. When was the last time you took a vitamin? Where are you, Shady? You could give me at least two vitamins to try.

Wait, doesn't Adrienne have vitamins at the house that you can probably take? You don't need them. Your nails are healthy. Your hair is in braids. You don't need my vitamins. Look at my nubs. My little nubs. Yeah, you're right.

Speaking of nubs, the guest today is not that. Not a nub at all. Not a nub. I was going to think of something else that rhymes with a nub, but what rhymes with a nub? Rub? Dub? I want to rub him. A hub?

A hub is a hub. He is a hub. He's a hub of wealth and humor. humor or he's just a hubby he should be married he should be i would marry you you would marry him what would your wedding song be trina our guest today is our travel expert but we feel like that might change while we're talking to him yep it's uh the beautiful the hilarious bone yay oh hi what a thrill i mean i could watch this go

on for hours oh you're trying to say that our shit up top was long okay no it was a little rambling no no no no no this is what i i i this is what i crave and i'm sorry oh my god i'm gonna read i just had to adjust the level i was like he's so loud i'm so sorry it was me i'm right down the axis i'm coaxial with the fucking microphone i love it um good mic but when let's talk about who you are and you came to the house in a short and a outdoor voices double layered short um i'm still too loud i'm sorry no it's fine we like how good your voice oh thank you cindy for some reason had it on like 10 yeah so everybody's and what am i on it now like a what a four you're at like a six yeah six yeah you're good it's fitting um i well when you're at least

a seven point i am a six i'm gonna and that's like me like being generous with myself no your Your skin is good. Your brows are arched. Your glasses are always cute. What kind of glasses are these? These are not Warby Parker, are they? No, no, no. What are they?

They're Bruno Chausseignan. Oh, my gosh. The French designer. I couldn't tell if that was French or Spanish. Or Bruno Chausseignan. I thought it was Japanese, but I could be wrong. Okay. No, that would have been Bruno Suzuki.

Yeah. I thought the glasses come with a hot towel. The glasses come with a hot towel, warm nuts. Hot towel. Hot towel and warm nuts. And warm nuts. orange slices orange slices

I'm dating I'm dating like a 10 right now though no I'm not we talk about who are we dating no huh who are we dating

just talk around when does this come out no it's coming out on Friday damn it because we record right before right right right

I mean but you don't have to tell the name casually but no this is the thing and this is this is the summer of me okay oh when I came in

Sydney was like what are we doing like what are you how are you what are you doing this summer what's your plan for the summer and I was like no but now my plan for the summer

my M.O. is to date outside of my, like, out of my league. And I think I'm doing that well. I think a lot of people do that. I know, but I think a lot of men do that. It's new for me. Well, I don't want to be, like, I don't want to be,

listen, A, it's a bit that I'm wealthy. Everyone should know that Marie and Sidney joke about how rich I am. But you are, though. You have a movie theater. My parents have a movie theater. Which will be in the will for you when they pass.

I'm sure they'll sell the house Before they pass away I'm sure they'll disown me in some way Financially They've emotionally disowned me That's a lie So can you give me their email accounts I'll email them

If we actually got married They would be ecstatic I could make that happen for a cool $50,000 For a cool $6,500 How much money do I owe $6,500 And then I'd bring you home to bring you home

and bring you back to China and then all of my extended family would just want to take photos with you they'd be like Naomi Campbell

yeah what did you guys say because you two came on Lost Culture East what did you guys say if we all went to Japan together

what would everyone say oh no Marie said Wesley Snipes Wesley Snipes Wesley Snipes Wesley Snipes that's who you are

no oh my god on paper she's a Wesley Snipes Wesley Snipes Yeah, I mean, we can make it happen, Bowen. If you need to, like, well, you already live in the country. I was like, if you're trying to get a

car, you're already a fucking citizen. That's whack. I know, but like, what's, but the transaction is that we both get, like, well, no, I get something. Like, what are you getting out of this? Honestly, sis, what are you getting out of this? Money? I'm trying to figure out, I'm like,

She's just trying to get, like, a little spousal support. I think that's what it is. Sure. I just need a stipend. I need, I just need like a little, a thousand a week to survive. Is that a stipend? Because a stipend I feel like is like $12 and a bagel. No. Like an intern gets a stipend.

No. Depends on the program. If you're an adult, a stipend should be over $1,000. A week. Yeah. There's no way you can last on $12 and a bagel. Bitch, are you serious? So $52,000 a year.

Yeah. That is a stipend. That's a salary. That's not. Whose salary? That's barely a living wage in New York. It's not. well i guess i must be dead time of death uh right sooner she graduated from college

which was last month thank you so much oh my god you finished college in three years i did well i was an accelerated program right right i graduated high school in 2015 and you graduated i took a lot of ap courses in yes high school i was like how did you do the math there quickly and then i was like bow and yay oh my god i could have come on here and been first of all i just want everyone to know that the vetting process for this podcast is rigorous because I came up with at least four different fucking topics

and all of them were shot down. First thing I came up with was Japanese RPG. What was you talking about? I was going to talk about like Japanese video games. We are not doing that. But then I was like... Who do you play those games with? Myself.

Exactly. That's who would be listening to this. Just you. You would listen to this episode and be like, this is great and then everybody's like what is he talking about who is this lady okay then what else and then i and then i this morning i pitched to sydney graphic design which like is cute okay let's talk about it let's talk about it so what does graphic design even mean everyone out there the thing the only reason i am marginally successful right now in our lowly like low tier comedy community is because I can make

a goddamn poster that doesn't look like shit. And everyone else is out here. So you're making posters and you're making websites? I'm making websites. So why don't you do our shit? What's up? How much do you cost? You guys shouldn't hire me. I already did that. Hire. Hire. Oh, that works.

It's a service. But you know what? How much do you charge? Honestly, like Josh Sharp the other day was like, hey, can you make a poster for this show? And I was like, yeah. And how much? It's like flat rate, 80 bucks. Flat rate. for one flyer that I'm going to use

for one show. Or no, no, no. And then I can like swap out the copy and then like change the lineup, change the time. And I got to give you

$80 again? No. $80 flat for one, like a franchise, honey. Okay, wait, wait, wait. So what if it's a flyer for say for our show, The Hot Box,

but then we're like, oh, we're doing a live show so you got to swipe out. First of all. Just swipe out the photo and the date and the location. The title.

Oh my God. Performers. Yeah, you got to do the whole flyer over again. The whole flyer over. But we already gave you You still got that 80 First of all

Okay no And I don't mean to insult Anyone in this room This promotional stuff Hotbox Hotbox has a great Has a cute little poster Oh well

Marie just did it We had to remix it Because it was like Our faces weren't on it And it's like Oh right the first one The one you guys posted today Yeah

It was cute It was cute That's why we had to revise If you can help us on Like a good poster What do you need For a poster to be popping Okay

If you guys can't provide if you guys can't provide your own photography that's fine we'll make it just graphic and text and have it be interesting in other ways

can you like draw the cartoon version of us I can't I can draw sort of I'm not like I'm no I'm no Matteo Lane I'm no illustrator

okay because I would want you to draw us with like Sailor Moon legs oh see Matteo would do that Matteo would literally put your face

on a Sailor Moon and then like keep the body white okay and how much would it cost for somebody to draw us I think so for someone else

I don't know That's their own rate But like it's usually Like a lot Cause it's involved It's like I'm just gonna text My good friend

Yeah we're gonna Keep the flyer That we have That's what we got Okay we don't have To talk about graphic design You guys Sydney shot that down

She said let's keep Brainstorming I was like fuck Yeah but you travel a lot Okay so it's travel So it's I would call you Where in the world

Is Carmen Sandiego Because sometimes I can't Where in the world Is Carmen Sandiego I'll call you Or I'll text you And you'll already

Be somewhere else You'll be holding A koala bear And you just got back You just got back From somewhere Where were you? Well we went to

The three of us Went to San Francisco Yes we did It was cute Yes Although we didn't Really get to hang out No but when you were

All over Well you had many shows You did shows You were booked Busy and blessed You were I was booked Busy and blessed

You were with Joel Kim Booster Wait so you had La Culturistas I Don't Think So Honey Live Live and in San Francisco And then we went to LA For a couple weeks

Well let's Don't be glazing over it Alaska Thunderfuck was there Alaska was there She loved both of you Oh, I love Alaska. You guys, you both made it to the final round. We did.

But we did not win. We did not win. That honor went to Rachel Pegram. Yes, but I also was like, is this, wait, how did we all three of us get in this final round? You two and Molly? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, damn, this was meant for the guys.

It was. It was such a good show. You have something. So wait, please tell the listeners about, like, I Don't Think So Honey. What is it? So I Don't Think So Honey is a segment we do on my podcast that I co-host with Matt Rogers, former guest of this show and then we have a segment called I Don't Think So Honey

you take one minute to go off and rant about something that's getting your goat in culture or in life and so then we've like made this live show out of it which is really fun it's amazing it's a movement though it really is a movement honestly I'll be thinking in my head about things

that I don't think so we deal with it in New York City all the time I have to say that my friend Carolina is the one who even introduced me to that part of the podcast. God bless Carolina. She was like, it's so good. And then we were on the street in Bushwick walking to a show and she was like, ready?

I want to time you. You have 60 seconds. And I was like, I don't think there's a white people in Brooklyn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. White people is like a great go-to. Yeah. Carolina fucking slayed it. Slayed it. One of the live shows too. She's so great. So fucking good.

Jaboukie did Lettuce. And I was like, lettuce? He's like, you ashy. you blam and then he said spinach spinach is the real star spinach has crossed over

it does wraps it does smoothies yes spinach has crossed over I was like you're right Jaboukie I never even thought about that he didn't talk about kale though

right he didn't I don't think he touched kale because kale is not really our green no it is we're more a collard crowd we're a collard crowd

also when I think of salads I don't like a kale salad to me is like too bitter it's too rough it's not supposed to be in a salad

it's rough it's like swallowing daggers yeah or i feel like the soil i could taste the soil that was on it like it's real grainy or something i don't know it's not for us it's minerally it's minerally but then you but then we so then we did this version in san francisco at clusterfest it was great man it was fun where it was like competitive but we'd done competitive before where we did head-to-head matchups and that felt gross because everyone would leave feeling bad yeah no they just don't know what competition is well i yeah it's a competition bitch well what do you win you

win do you win money you don't win money okay so what's the just to get the title just to get the title yeah it doesn't ultimately doesn't matter but for that for performers it's like oh i lost a chance to perform on stage which for them is like capital uh-uh it's only a loss if there's money involved exactly no you're right if you're not bringing out a big ass check like a big pricewater cooper check then i didn't lose anything no you're right you're right even though i did lose and i was like i feel like i won it's the losing though it's the losing like Joel Kimbooster was like, I was robbed. And I was like, yeah, maybe.

I mean, I saw the comments on Instagram and people were like, I loved Joel's. And I was like, I mean, he did go in. He went in. He did. I don't think so, honey. That bit of cum that comes out the day after you bought him for someone. Oh, my God. I was like, this is so specific.

I was like, on a Sunday? It wasn't even Sunday. It wasn't even Sunday. I was like, this is so specific. And it was 4 p.m. on a Saturday. On a Saturday. And Matt's parents were there. And Matt's parents were in the front row.

Matt's parents was there. And Awkwafina did the show. Awkwafina did the show. You had a lot of celebrities on your show, dude. It was fun. It was fun. And then you came down from that and you had to go to L.A. And L.A. you did I Don't Think So Honey again.

We did it there and that was fun, too. Where did you guys do it in L.A.? Echoplex, which is this, like, Lizzo does her concerts there. Oh, Lizzo. I love Lizzo. It's like a fun, big, like, concert venue-y thing. That would have been cool if you would have had her on there. Oh, my God.

Can you imagine? Get your people to get Lizzo on. Get in touch with Lizzo. She did Drag Race. She likes the gays. She likes the gays. Oh, no, she loves the gays. She just did fucking Pride.

Oh, yes. But it was so fun. But then it was like, I didn't get a chance to hang in LA. Well, what do you like to do when you're in LA? I'm here for the taco trucks and the $2 Ubers. Didn't go to a... Yeah, I love the fucking... I mean, but I did end up paying like $300 in lifts because we didn't rent a car.

but um yeah because you're like oh it's only two dollars and then you look and you're like i know i still gotta settle everything and like give matt a venmo to be like hey you listen honey if you didn't give the venmo a week after it's gone no no no i'm going through my receipts i'm going through his receipts marie let's go through our receipts let's go through our receipts yeah sorry sis can't help you there oh my god if you went you went through your receipts you would pay off that six grand and like she would because sydney is like one of these people that like buys things for people regularly i do oh see me too but that's what i do too and then i let things slip away yeah it sucks but i just put it in the universe i was

like it's gonna come back another way you know sure that's what you have to do that you have to think about okay you didn't get it from this person but before you know it something a gig is gonna come up and you'd be like oh that's the exact amount that this motherfucker owed me i was talking to my mom today about a gig that i did not book and she was like it's because you don't pray and i was like i was like what she was like you haven't been to church you're not tithing she was like you're not tithing yeah she was like your brother used to go to church all she's like he goes every day he's in la now oh wait okay is this how do you navigate that because this sounds like sort of familiar i put my mother on speaker and i just was rolling my eyes on a boomerang and

i was trying to post it on instagram just talking to my mom about not booking things because i don't pray but she's my mother is really generous she gives things to people like she's always given like if you go to my mother's house you're not leaving empty-handed yeah you're leaving with food or towels or brown sugar packets oh my god i need towels she'll be like it's great she'll be like do you need canada dry like she she won't let you leave without taking something and she says she gives things to people and it comes back to her later in what ways in what ways that's what i was wondering okay okay you still ain't got no money wait let me tell you i when i first started waitressing i had gotten all my money or whatever from a week and it was like two thousand and

something dollars so my rent was in there and then i had extra money because i was going to miami i go to a party go to after hours some money went in my purse took all the money all of it it was like 2600 it was a lot of money and i was why did you have what it was it in rubber bands was it in an envelope it was in an envelope oh and it was at the it was at the bottom of my dusty ass bag are you sure somebody went in there or you were like you were swinging your bag like that's my son no i hit no i hit my purse in a car and then when we went to the after hours i was like okay i guess i'm gonna take my purse because i need to go to the store they stole the money so i'm freaking out i was like did they take anything else no and i had a camera i had other things of value you had

a little dslr i had a little pointy shoot i had an ipod i had a whole bunch of stuff was it a nano i want to paint the photo for the listeners anyway long story short i worked that week and i made all the money back and more okay just before i went to this miami trip so people kept tipping me over tipping me and i was like see this is because i lost all that money but you could have had double the money yes if i'm thinking about the cup being half full or half empty or whatever full but it comes back it comes back i don't know if i believe that no karma is not real karma so you don't believe in karma do you have religion i don't have religion i just don't think the universe cares about us do you know what i'm saying i do i do feel like that but i do also at

the same time feel like everything happens exactly the way it's supposed to happen okay in some way I believe that and like maybe I have a tough time reconciling this but it's like how I don't believe in astrology

it's like okay why I don't believe in that no none of us do thank god well here's the thing

like why do we think that stars hundreds of billions of light years away have any effect on my behavior do you know what I'm saying

like the gravitational pull of a fucking star that is so fucking far away from us but the people who believe in it and shout out to David Goldberg

because I know he's listening he's listening and he's reading and he's like oh no yeah well David knows how I feel about this He turned off the podcast right now.

Yeah, but it's like the time that you were born on the day of the week makes your personality. Makes me an asshole? No. And it's like, what? Lots of people were born on the same day at the same time. But I do believe that things happen for a reason. Okay, yes. I believe in that.

And I do believe in karma as well. I do. I do believe in like whatever you put out in the universe is going to come back. So it doesn't mean like a necessary thing, a specific thing that I did to you is going to come back to me. I just think it's like an overall It goes into some lump Some and then it comes down

When all of my money was taken I was like Oh that's because I have fucked my friend's Ex-boyfriend That's why But then when the money came back I was like oh see that's the karma Coming back at that person who stole the money from me Got it

You banged your friend's ex? Yes You broke code She didn't know And I was just hanging out with her So how do you feel about that? That situation? Devastating

It was devastating I'm sorry but it's okay It's not okay It was wrong because the person who told her Told her at an after hour So this girl had already dropped a pill Probably did some bumps And ruined her whole

And it was in front of everybody Wait who snitched? What friend was like Sydney's banging such and such Yeah Sidney's banging Kyle It's okay because You got robbed Yeah

My God always provides Balance Oh my God You know who robbed you But you would never Do that now No Well first of all

I'm not banging no dude So that's Right I mean That's one You know Right Yeah yeah yeah And also

I don't want anybody That my friends have been with Marie who you been with I don't want nobody I know you don't want Who I've been with I don't want I don't even want

That person to pour me A glass of water Oh come on In a desert oh my god from the canteen you wouldn't drink from a white man's uh canteen is this is marie is this still your is this summer of hoe or you're the year of hoe listen i'm doing such a bad job of being a hoe i just i feel like i'm not meeting enough people okay i think it's because you're in new york though new york is hard don't i'm i'm like going through i'm going through like

i'm going through like when it rains it pours situation also you just got dicks all over your face right now in your ear in your neck no no no i just i i've been working with like a three-year dry spell okay and now i'm just like oh okay this is what like dating is like i i had to be reminded of like what the ritual was because it had just been so long what's the ritual for you for me it's just like oh like you know i take them out to dinner at river deli in brooklyn heights we walk by the pier oh um you take them out to dinner you know but lately it's been like it's it's their idea it's like come over to my place i'll make you a drink and then you go to the pride parade like that was my pride i was it was so nice it was so great and like i i'm just like a pleasantly

surprised at like this being like a part of my life now whereas in the past i spent literally the last three years being like okay well i'm out like i'm i guess nobody wants me nobody wants me i'm like i'm out of my prime like whatever no no way boy yeah yeah that's the way your ankles Is set up Oh my god No my ankles are too high My calves are Your calves are

My calves are too low My legs are short And stubby How tall are you Five eight It's not great Oh she doesn't present As five eight

She doesn't present As five eight What does she present as Like a five six Marie Dang Short I'm a short kid

Yes but you know what it is Is I have a really Big sense of self So I think I'm the same height As everybody Marie is an asshole That's what that means No no no

Everybody's five four Okay but see Marie Like don't tell me Your height yet you present as like six foot even though i know that's not your height yeah but that's all hair but people say that to me like people who follow me on instagram or watch my videos when they meet me they're like oh i thought you were bigger and i'm like no just my mouth but they're like but you're so skinny but same same to you sydney like you present as like i'm like oh sydney like well

that's because i wear heels to everything i do throw i will wear a five inch heel at a show that's like has 12 people in it not i not in a basement not in a dank ass bar yeah i wear heels a lot and it's just it's because of working for so long you had to wear heels i know yeah so and i just feel like heels elongates you and makes you feel like better both of you i know people have said this to you so many times before and it sounds so shallow but like both of you really like show up to look i mean and i mean every once in a while i'll take a day off every once in a while take a day off of course i went to the knitting factory on sunday i had sis i left my clipping bang at the house i just the photographer kept trying to take pictures i was like this this ain't

it i was like don't tag me in any of these things oh my god the photographer was cute it was a dude and i couldn't tell if he was gay or if he was straight photographer but i was like i was like it's pride and you're here so no no but he had a nose ring and i was like you thought he was cute marie he was cute oh and let's get on this let's figure out who this guy is yeah we'll figure out who this is i mean he slid in my dms to send me a photo that he had taken to me and i was like you can delete that okay you two probably know this but like dms my dms are dry so dry i i which is crazy marie because i don't believe people will come in my dms asking about you whoa they'll be like oh what's what's your friend's deal something about who i am and how i present myself like just

on the train out and about like i'll see people who are attractive they won't come talk to me but and then i'm like but do you see how mean i am why are you coming to me about marie because i'll be like because i'm because i'm meaner than you you're like no if people slid into your dms about you no about marie if i'll look at their profile i'm like this is not even worth me sending this to her why would i do that that's a waste well aren't you like that yeah yeah who's sliding in your dms well the thing is um the people i just like i never took that i didn't i didn't know what that meant for the longest time i was like what does that mean yeah someone's dming you great but i was like oh people are hooking up through dms yeah got it and then now like this

is the way that i'm like meeting people this is the way that i'm meeting people now and i'm like oh that's crazy yeah first of all like grinder is like dead it is everyone's like like the official proclamation out of like West Hollywood is that like Grindr is dead. People are only fucking through DMs. Grindr is lame. Grindr is for the normals. And I'm like, oh, fuck. You're like, I just got here. I'm still like setting up

all these traps. Like, what is going on? Okay, so wait. So we already did the New York thing. When you go somewhere else, like you've been to Australia, how do you meet people over there? The apps. The apps work. The Wi-Fi works there, too. Wi-Fi works there, too. You don't have to convert?

You don't have to convert. But the thing is, When you're in other places, like New York is so fucked up because when you go to other places, when you go to Australia where there's a big Asian population, it's, it's both better and worse where it's like, cause like Asians to people in Australia, like there's, if you watch Australian comedy, like a punchline is like, oh, the fucking Asians. It's like, because it's like they, they see them as some, as this like immigrant population that's like. Oh, so they're the Mexicans.

Yeah, essentially. Of here. and so you go over there and it's like you're fetishized in a way that's like fine for me as like a as a traveler i'm like whatever i don't care i'll take it i'll take the dick exactly exactly exactly but then you're also like oh but then people are also more like openly like no asians please and you're like yeah that's like a thing right it's like no fatties and no something no fams yeah how could somebody write no asians i can't it's it's like people aren't doing it as much now but like when grinder first came out that was like the tagline and the fact

that that is like that that was a normal for so long is like yeah the fact that we know it and we've never been on grinder exactly crazy it's like yeah it's like mainstreamed in some way so how so what does that mean like if somebody says that like have you ever been interested in somebody and they were like no yeah yeah and then you like change their mind or you know i don't want to fucking change their minds at that point like like i've had conversations with people and like with other gay Asian people and like we're all like

oh no when someone says that it's actually a relief because then you know not to fuck with them right you just move on as a person

as a person like why no I don't want to be your friend I don't want to do nothing right

that's like the you're really pretty for a black girl yeah I hate that of course and it's like what no

the fact that you fixed your no lips to tell me that your thing your spongebob squarepants lips your non-existent top and bottom lip

your back your pinky finger lip your little slit your little slit yeah Your horizontal slit. Yeah. Stop talking about your slit.

Stop talking about your fucking slit. That's funny. That's super pretty for, I don't usually like black girls, but. Oh, right. It's that thing.

It's that thing. But then no, when you go to Australia, it's cute. When you go to Canada, it's cute. Like Montreal was fun for me. Okay.

Let's talk about that. Like I just. Montreal, like poutine? Like poutine Montreal. Well, I grew up there. You're from Montreal.

I'm from, I moved when I was like nine. Okay. I spoke French better than I spoke English. And I forgot all of my French Within like six months Of moving to the US I mean you said

What's the class Bruno Chosignon Bruno Chosignon Chosignon Chosignon Can you talk a little Can you talk a little French

Well my mom and dad Speak French Right well But then did you ever learn it I did learn it But now it's very My friend is very good Mais non

Je ne peux pas parler Français très bien What Pretty crappy There should be no reason Why you don't have dick All up and through your body There should be no reason

You should be impaled Okay You should be in the hospital I should be a skewer On the dick Dish Dick kebab Yeah

Dick kebab Dick kebab I gotta I gotta get We all have to get spit roasted At one point in our lives Have you ever been spit roasted? I've never been spit roasted

What's that? That's when you're Getting it from both ends Oh never Fucking never dude Just like Fucking never Spinning

Spinning Spinning Over an open Over a Casper mattress Oh my god You can't take it from one end to which end, but you have taken it on both ends. I have. Not at the same time.

Not at the same time, but I definitely, I can't. No, no, no. It feels like a lot of work. I'm out of it. It feels like choreography. I'm out of the game, dude. It feels like five, six, seven, eight. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

If my girlfriend, if Adrian left me, I think I just wouldn't date ever again. Really? What? I genuinely believe. Or you don't think there's an amount of time for you not to date and then you get back in? No, I think that I genuinely just don't have the patience to do whatever y'all are, the way y'all talk about it. It's horrible.

I'm like, and Marie is, I feel like Marie has more fun than most people that talk about dating. Cause I don't say anything serious. Yeah. I'm like, oh, hey. And then I got a massage and then we ate again. And then we went to the opera. It's like.

You keep bringing up the opera and I'm like, dang, I want to do that. I went, yeah. Cause I had like a day date with this dude and he was like, how do you feel about massages? And I was like, you want to give me a massage? And he was like, I booked massages this afternoon. and i was like yes i love a massage and a casual like 3 p.m appointment i love it that's how you do it dude like i'm i couldn't be single and i have to i because i'll just be thinking about well marie went to the motherfucking opera she got a motherfucking massage i don't look like i

could get massages in opera i would be like no isn't that hilarious what did you and adrian do though when you first started dating oh honey i feel like i went on like bike rides yeah we just coming to my shows just being there like what's up you know i i was playing hard to get for a minute that's not cute to me i was playing hard to get you know i remember because i was there yeah we were both like oh really don't you dare say that on the podcast and then it was like something shifted and it was like i was still saying ugh and city was like love you babe and I don't even know what real dates are anymore really you know I just feel like hanging out getting something to eat watch a movie like whatever that's normal I mean I'm just hanging

and banging hanging and banging see okay I was just on a date where we went to a bar and then he was like okay let's go we're gonna drag bingo and I was like what like you had this Like a part two Meditated Yeah like you had a part two Like ready to go I like that though I love that

I love that Because I'm not planning anything But then I don't know I never have the force And I'm always like I never know where anything is I don't know when time things start So like a nightcap

Is that what you like us No they went to drag bingo We went to drag bingo And then I won And then I won And then we won I won like a Vintage porn DVD

And then it was like The perfect thing And we both giggled about it I was like this is great This is recent That's pretty recent Yeah That's great

I mean I just feel like What else is there Rock climbing Ice skating Axe throwing Like what are we doing I can't Yeah you're right

Are we laser tag I like laser tag Laser tag is fun I would do that On a date With a group though With a group But I'm saying like a date

Like if you wanted to do a date No It's very It's two ten things I hate about you It's like the paintball But the same guy also One day was like Hey you should come over

No he goes Hey Sunday If you don't have plans We should take a boxing class and then you should come to my place I'll cook you eggs and

blah blah blah and I was like who are you eggs is he like an event writer like a review event for a magazine

he's a fucking whatever he's listening whatever he's a fucking psychiatrist like he like runs

his own fucking department where did you meet the psychiatrist he's letting you DM's he came to he did the Adrian thing he came to shows

and I was like oh and he would always bring some hot guy he's a 10 like he would always bring some hot guys like oh great he's a 10 to me whatever wait hold on to you what's your 10 he's he's just like in the in the in the movie of your life who would who would be your meet cute like who what celebrity celebrity okay well i can't like i'll just describe him

okay he's this like perfectly like chiseled like ethnic dude okay so he's not white so he's not Anyway, he's brown. He's tall? He's short? Tall, like, so smart, so fun. He's, like, such a good listener. And, like, I messaged one of his friends. I, like, DM'd one of his friends. He's friends with Ayo.

I DM'd Ayo. Oh, I love her. I was like, what's his deal? And she was like, honestly, his deal is that he's an amazing listener and he's a great guy. And I was like, what's wrong with him? Yeah. I'm like I don't know

That's This is new This is new to me Where I'm just like I'm trying to like Have you guys hooked up already It's good It's good

And I don't know Marie I don't have any of that for you You're like You'll never No I'll have nobody for you But like yeah Marie

Like let me figure out his deal He's just a good listener I'm like He's a good listener I'm like yo He ain't shit But I heard the dick is crazy The dick is crazy

It goes in a spiral I heard he's gonna get you wings after His dick has a His dick has a hook in it I don't know it curves and it has a hook you went fucking cross-eyed well somebody did a friend of ours robin robin cloud who did our podcast she was our lesbian expert uh she was like my friend so and so uh thinks you're super attractive interested yeah

talking to me and so i went to his page and his page was private and i was like yeah what was his deal you know how tall is he where does he work uh you know uh is he nice and she was like he lives in brooklyn and then she was like nope harlem and i was like there goes the catch that's it she's like he's really nice she's like blah blah he works at this place and it was like you guys need to stop being so lazy though like you can't that's a long distance relationship from brooklyn that is ldr yeah okay well that's what happened to a friend of mine she was like oh i was talking to this dude he lives in tribeca i live in harlem and she's like commute to tribeca from anywhere yeah but she was tired of like she's like if you want to hang out with me you're gonna come to

harlem too like why do i need to come to trebek all the time because he had a loft and an art but she has a nice apartment too like take you you have the money so get in a car and come to harlem yeah but see i don't want people to come to my house me too what is that i don't want to i don't want to what is it uh host host she doesn't have a roommate so she might as well just i mean right oh yeah you technically don't so i mean she's moving out in like four days uh but she hasn't been here all month she hasn't been here all month see i'm i'm this guy i'm like so i've been seeing him tonight and then i'm like i'm probably like he'll probably come hang out in my place and i'm doing like a fucking deep clean yeah you gotta let you live you gotta do a hot

oil treatment for your house i'm doing a hot oil treatment it's cute where's borum hill it's like it's like by barclays over by like where we did his podcast oh was it oh was it i'm sure it looks nice i'm sure you're great oh well the dude that i'm hanging and banging with lives across the street from where we recorded yeah so i was like so maybe you should go like when he goes okay i'm not dating you know what i'm not even dating this guy i guess i'm hanging and banging hanging and banging hanging hanging i just like how it rolls right off the tongue hanging and banging we're dropping the g we're dropping the g hanging and banging just like a posture for you over there yeah yeah yeah i think you would be i think you shouldn't i mean like we know you and adrian

are like the best couple meant to be forever but like you two but you don't don't say don't like i don't think that she would keep herself in date she would not not date well before i had me met adrian i hadn't had sex with anybody in a year yes yes yes yes but sis there had been some recent developments where it just was like sydney are you flirting with this person and you were like no we're well because you just gotta you gotta know how to you gotta turn the flirt on you can't forget how to flirt right right and you're good at flirting but i just feel like you're someone somewhere eventually would like

you'd be like oh I'm intrigued by this by this young man or this woman I don't think that I would have to get up off the couch and go engage with this person that's too much work I don't want to do that that's true yeah people will come to you that like both of you like people at some

point well yeah this dude was like we don't always have to come to my house like I'll come to your house and I was like why you want to come to my house but you don't want that but meanwhile You're hosting people every fucking week to record this I am But they're not laying in my bed with their street clothes Fine

There's that Do you have laundry in building? I do I was talking to this guy and he was like You gotta have a sex blanket Like a blanket that you only use You put it on the bed for sex Yes, Cole talks about the sex blanket

Oh my god, I gotta go stop by Target Get a sex blanket He's like, you just flip it No, you gotta wash it But you don't have to re-wash the whole, like, all the shit. Right, because my duvet is dirty right now. The duvet is also dirty, and I got to wash my, like, mattress topper. Oh, yeah, I got to do the mattress topper.

I'm just going to... God. It's a lot. It's a lot. To get hosted? Speaking of duvet, when you went to China, did you get any good fabrics there? Yeah, what do you do in the... We got to talk about travel?

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, when I think China, I think of hair. Hair. And I think of food. Yes. And I think of hair. Communism. Yeah, communism.

abolishing term limits for a prime minister. Sure, sure, sure, sure. I think all those things. China's fine. China, I go. It doesn't sound like you had an exciting time.

No, I love China. I love China. But now it's this thing where every time I go back, my relatives are like, your Mandarin sucks. And I'm like, I know. Well, anytime you go back

to the homeland, and you've been in the United States, they're going to be like, you sound American. But it makes me anxious. But I'm speaking French with you guys.

It's like, no, you're not. Can you say a little Mandarin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What should I say? You guys give me something. Or ask me a question and I'll respond. Bowen, are you wearing a Lady Gaga t-shirt? I'm wearing a Lady Gaga t-shirt.

What does that sound like to you guys? Is it like full gibberish? No, it seems like... It sounds like the beginning of a sentence, but not the whole sentence. No, Mandarin, it's known for its efficiency. Because it's one character per syllable One syllable per character

Say the thing that you said one more time 我现在在穿一个Lady Gaga衬衫 And you just said I'm wearing a Lady Gaga t-shirt Which is a simple statement Oh you were asking me are you wearing a Lady Gaga t-shirt Wait wait I have a question Are you a top or a bottom Yes

在中文咱们是 在中文咱们 咱们叫一个 Top是个一 Bottom是个零 然后一个versatile是 Flipping and reversing 零点五

所以我现在 我自己 我自己说我是一个零点五 He's telling us everything You're telling us the tea Yo, you gave all of it He's telling us how he preps to be a top And how he preps to be a bottom

He's like, well Versatile He's like, well, when the sex blanket is there I'm a bottom But then when you flip it He's like, at my house, I'm a bottom No, what I was saying is Okay, you guys will find this funny

so you have we have tops and bottoms here and then versatiles right what's versatiles it means like you can do both oh okay so in China on the apps at least

the way you communicate that is people ask you are you a one or a zero so if you're a top you're a one if you're a bottom

you're a zero damn a zero that's so rude because you're the whole because you're the whole and then with the one you're the insert the insertion

or whatever okay the matrix in China so it's it is like a binary in China but when you're versatile all you say you're a 0.5 isn't that funny like you're halfway in between okay okay they do really like math over there they do they love their math so fucking much and it's just so important because

i'm not gonna use this for anything but it's just great to know it's snapple facts it's snapple facts yeah well where's your favorite place that you've been i've been it's fucking cliche as hell and you guys can make fun of me yeah i love paris have you been no i gotta go you and adrian have to go yeah just go do gay lesbian things but i just feel like it's for love you know it's just for love and just i mean everyone in paris is not in love with everybody in paris really they they're busy and they're running to work and they're eating bread and buying board like it's it's like new york it's new york yeah yeah there's this great book that's like paris in new york and it's like it compares one page is the new york side and the other page is the paris side and so

they do but they just do like it's it's cute it's like a coffee table book but anyway new york i like that i'm gonna find that yeah we'll find that um i i love it there and i've only been once and that was with my family i didn't get to explore it i went with my mom right like two years ago and i want to go back for and spend a month in paris should we go we should go i think you should go we've been talking we talked about this talk about this i would do a fucking trip because you said we we wanted to do a big ass like cute trip i might go at the end of the fucking summer i don't care like i don't have a job anymore i want to go like well when i pay off this IRS.

It's going to be paid off. I'm not even that worried. I'm putting it in the universe. I talked to the Lord. He says, go ahead. The universe that Bowen thinks does not exist. He's like, the universe don't care about you. It exists. It does not care. I prayed. Listen, I'm You prayed? You spoke to my mom today?

I'm always praying, Marie. After you took me to Hillsong, I was like, whoa. I took Sydney to Cool Church. How's Cool Church? I'm always curious. Is it always at Highline? Where is it? uh we went new year's eve didn't we yeah we went to the new year's eve service but it wasn't on new year's eve it was like the day before the day before it was on friday or something um it's at

highline or it's like it'll be at this place on broadway okay um like where the lion king is but it's cool because it's it almost feels like a ted talk because it doesn't feel like they're preaching at you no no no it just feels like you're like listening to somebody that's like well if you want to do this in your life you got to do this this the pastor was funny he was doing they were doing high 20 it was great i mean they're hosting it's but it's entertaining yeah yeah and people have on like body contrasts and you're like oh sis you just came back from the club yeah and everyone looks snatched i went with marie and christy cello and they were like doing that like religious way and i was like oh this is a cult i gotta get the fuck out of here i mean

and so as an outsider it seems like that and like it does justin bieber's fucking pastor yeah he's great though he's really funny i'm sure that's i'm sure his pastor like the main pastor the black no it's some white dude that has like sleeve tattoos and like he's like the the pastor for like the new york knicks or something like really justin bieber will call him to be like can you pray for me like really he's and he oh he did he sat with oprah and did like a right a talk with oprah he's just a funny dude this guy up his name is carl his name is carl carl white is the name but carl winslow was a black man but every time i hear carl i think of like a white guy or calls junior i think of like carl rove um but i i'm so tired so where did you where was your what do you

mean what was your favorite thing about give us the top three things that you loved about paris this is this is the cliche thing okay we go up my sister gets his tickets to go up to the top of the ivory tower no no no we did that which is fine okay we did um we went to the top of uh and then it was at night and then sunsets and then right as it gets dark you see the eiffel tower like across from you and then that's when they light up the eiffel tower and it's just sparkling lights and it's like the most beautiful thing did you faint did you have i was like i was like this is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen honestly i just want to go to paris and and see that the eiffel tower light up and i want to do like usher it's seven o'clock on the dot i'm in my job time

Why is that in Paris? He was in Paris. Oh, I don't remember that. In the music video? I don't remember the video. For what? For Nice and Slow? Nice and Slow.

He was in Paris. So tell me. I just want to do this music. Do you want to get freaky? And they kidnapped his girl. Oh, my God. This was the Nice and Slow video? Yes, I'll freak you right out with me.

The video doesn't match the song. It does. But listen, you know back in the day it didn't make any sense. It was like a Hype Williams video. Drama. It was a Hype Williams video. You know it makes no sense. I do miss an old music video.

I do. I miss the videos of yore. They're all at the club now. Right? Yeah. Or it's just... Everything's just too first thought. Yeah.

I love Paris because it feels like magic. It feels like... And the way New York sometimes feels magical, only in the summer, really. But you go to Paris and you're like, hmm, something's... I feel like New York kind of also feels magical in the winter too like right after it snows right after it's like before it gets like dog pee on it

and it's like it's magic and i'm staying in the house until it melts like pride pride it's messy and pride's like mostly like kind of crazy wait can we just talk about that for a little bit yeah i i just don't like i love a celebration i want to have fun but i just feel like pride isn't taken seriously because it's just too many damn parties and people being a bomb but i thought that's what pride was was the parties no but that's where i'm getting that's where i think everything is misconstrued it's like yeah i want to hop on pride because there's parties and people got their titties out yeah yeah but it's like pride is not being afraid of like who you really are right right and i don't think i think that's mixed up in this like well house music and let's get

wild and let's get fucked up and it's just like you know the million man march wasn't a whole party for a whole month you don't think they were twerking at the million man You don't think somebody You don't think Coretta dropped into a split No For sure Coretta hit a full split No Rosa Parks took a seat on a dick

Fucking death drop Wow You are gonna go to hell Your mother's right Rosa Parks was sexually active She for sure was saying Marley the King was a hoe Yeah This is all in the podcast

I am not following anything MLK was a hoe he was a cheater the reverend he was a cheater well yeah and so he was a hoe you know he's worse

yeah he's worse than a hoe he's a cheater right that's what you're saying yeah no pride yeah I agree with you I

the reason I the way I try to celebrate it is to like honor honor like our four queers like all that stuff our four queers is to like

like honor like I'm sorry that I'm using that word as an Asian but like honor them cause it's like oh yeah like fucking like

Marsha P. Johnson should be like a fucking national right here you know it's like she is like a rosa parks type person yes started a like a move like literally absolutely and so that's why i tried like so i'm not like so yeah like after the parade i just went home and like i went to two parties i went to one on saturday that was crazy it was just like a circuit thing all these fucking men shirtless making out on a dance floor and i was

like this is a lot but i guess this is what this is a lot this is a lot it's a lot but it's not It's also not to shame those people. I'm not shaming them. It's not for me. I mean, they weren't ashamed. They were proud. They were proud. That's pride.

That's pride. But then there's the discussion. It's like, well, that's why everyone thinks gay men are fucking all the time. Because you go to these parties and they're just making out. But a lot of y'all are just banging. It's the patriarchy folding in on itself. I mean, I'll message a gay friend and he'll be like, oh, I have trade coming. So I'll message you in three hours.

And I'll be like, what? Dude, you got trade coming? We were going to see a movie. It's like, no, trade comes first. Trade before everything. Trade before Blade. You guys want to go see Blade. No, I don't remember.

Trade before The Incredibles 2. It's like, come on, man. I get it. I wanted to see a matinee. And he's like, no, not today. I mean, also, I feel like that's, I think that's when I did meth heavily was during Pride.

Meth? Oh, my God. Are we bringing meth back? How many times? Every time. You've heard of my meth story, right? No. and share it with us here.

We'll turn the microphones off. No, no, no. Everyone knows this. Keep it rolling. Off record. Off the record. Everyone knows my myth story. Except for the people listening.

Except for the people listening. And to go. Set the scene. I told this at John's show. But I, this was a couple years ago. I was at the show at UCB East. Oh, this is recent.

Honey, I was talking about 10 years ago, but whatever. No, but I got, I got like tricked into doing it. Oh, right, right. That's the story I told too. The gag is Sydney bought the myth

Sydney bought it Sydney cooked the myth She don't cook Nothing else But she cooked the myth I was I was breaking bad No they had it

They had it in a Lean cuisine tree She got it at Trader Joe's Actually my meth Was diet It was farm to table Guilt free

Diet myth I like So I was At that point It was like a Two year dry spell Right I was like I hadn't had sex

In so long It was just So horny And then this guy Messages me on an app This is an app called Jacked Which is predominantly

Black and Asian Oh Jacked is like The scary one Who was telling us That somebody Jacked isn't super scary Who was telling us That somebody from Jacked

Followed them home or something Oh that's Was that Alex English Oh yes he did Oh yeah Alex is on Jacked Alex and I say hi to each other On Jacked every now and then Yeah it's for like

It's for people who like Okay Jacked is for Blacks and Asians Blacks and Asians Or just like all Like blacks, browns, yellows Everyone And so

this Taiwanese guy messages me on Jacked and he's in town was he cute on business he had a good body but like

his profile said he was like 32 but his face was like 45 was giving 48 yes and I was like that's interesting

but like banging bottom I was like yeah why not like I haven't I haven't had sex in so long yeah

so I meet him in his hotel where was the hotel the hotel was in like fucking like Ridgewood I don't know

it was like Ridgewood or something it was like Like Queens-Brooklyn border? It was like in Queens. It was like kind of wild. And so I went and then whatever.

We were in the thick of it. And then he stops me and goes, do you have poppers? So yeah, there was a language barrier. Like English was not his first language, which comes back into play. Okay. So he was like, do you have poppers? I go, no. And poppers were like, you didn't have them.

Oh, yeah, look at that popper ball. Yeah, who was talking to us about poppers? Joel. No. No, we haven't had Joel on. Somebody came on and was talking to us about. David, probably. David's probably very.

We've had so many gays on the podcast. So many. Like this last, the last three have been gay men. Gay, gay, gay. I feel like this year,

this whole month. Well, it has been Pride, so actually we're doing a great job. Shout out to us. Yeah. But don't center it on gay cis men.

I, so then he was like, do you have covers? I was like, no, I don't. Do you? And he goes, no,

but I have something else that will make you feel good. Oh my God. You bamboozled you. Okay, girl. So yeah, so I was like, okay.

And so he goes into his suitcase, He takes out a dop kit Okay wait He takes out a little What is that in a suitcase? I've never seen If it's Coming out of a suitcase

He traveled with it Oh yeah It's definitely It came out of his ass But he then put it In the suitcase Right He pulls out a glass pipe

And then he pulls out A little dime bag With like a little flaky Some flaky stuff Crystals They look like crystals And I was And so this is like

An after school special moment Like I did not know What that was I did not know What Matthews looked like First of all A glass pipe Not a little bong

But like a pipe A pipe And I was like Hmm What is that? like i i didn't like it's interesting i thought it was like an interestingly shaped bowl i was like oh that's cool but then you saw the crystals and you were like and i was like what is this and he goes here here smoke this and then i was like and you're like i guess this is crystal no no i

was like crystal light crystal weed this is crystallized weed i was so i was such a fucking little pollyanna or whatever i was like what is that and he's like i don't know what this is called in english and i was there and i was like is it opium and he said what's that and then i felt racist for assuming that a taiwanese man would have opium and you're going to smoke it and so then like out of guilt i was like i guess i'll smoke it and so then he like lights it up i take one hit he lights it up again i take another hit and then we have like amazing aerobic sex for like seven hours and then like and we're like moving furniture and shit and then post-coitus i was like so yeah i'm still hung up on what that was i'm like yeah so what was that again

like what was that yeah you really don't know what what it's called and his english is perfect he's like crystal meth but then he goes but then he goes then he goes um i think some people call it tina and i and i didn't know that i learned that from when i went to pride they were calling it tina and i was like i don't know what that means and he goes he was like what else is it called he goes um christina and i was like crystal i feel you gotta be quicker than that but then i asked him what is was it meth and then he has like the most terrifying eureka moment he goes oh man and then I was like

he knew the entire thing and so then I was like oh um fuck and I let this be a lesson if you sleep within your own ethnicity um you will do math yeah no you will or no black news ain't gonna give me math

no not at all I've never done that black man will give me math before a black person yeah an Asian man gave me the math is that real Is that real It was an Asian woman No I'm kidding

I'm kidding Wow dude So you were there And then you found out And so you were like Well I guess I'll just hit this One more time

No And then I left I did it I might as well Hit it again So did you take An Uber pool on math Oh my god

No so then I took The fucking G train On math And then I went home And then that night Was when Grease Live aired And Matteo Lane came over And we watched it together

And I was like I am too I just took math I'm crying I am crying And Matteo was like What Yeah

I mean listen When you were you in New York City When you did that He was in Queens He traveled to Queens To do math I'm a traveler I went all the way to fucking Queens

You were at Expedia.com Travelocity Tinalocity What's the Good lord That's the dumbest thing that I've ever heard That's so funny dude It's such a good story.

And this was three weeks ago? Three weeks ago. This is during Pride. This was this morning. This was whenever Grease Live aired. Track it back to that, y'all. What's the scariest place you've ever been as somebody who travels? As somebody who travels, scariest place?

Like area. Richmond, Virginia. That's real, right? It was all Trump shit. It was all like, where the fuck am I? And I had to go because my brother-in-law's family owned a lake house in some lake. Your brother-in-law is white. Is Jewish, yeah.

Jewish, okay. He got property down there. His uncle owned a lake house in this beautiful lake area. And anyway, it was terrifying. It was terrifying. I feel like all of that sounds scary. But did anything bad happen to you?

No, I mean... You just were like, you're just scared to go outside? Actually, no. The scariest place I guess I've been to was Rome. And Rome is like kind of not cute. I don't like Rome.

Really? I'm going to win. It was... I loved it. Well, because then my dad's wallet got stolen. Oh, they do be stealing over there. There's so many things. They pickpocket the hell out of you.

I just think Rome is like so fucking touristy. It's like everywhere you go, there's not a cute area. It's like every place is touristy. Rome is like their Times Square. I heard it's not worse than Naples, though. Oh, I've never been to Naples. Naples is the water city? She got her passport, her camera, everything.

Damn. I was like, but also you were wasted, so you could have just given it away. Yeah. Can I have a lemon drop shot? Here's my passport. Here's my card. Can I say we're a wang, but he's like a smart cop.

You are victim blaming, Sydney. You are victim blaming. Well, when she was telling me the story, I was like, girl, you definitely gave that shit away. There's no way. No, actually. And then the most derelict place I've been to. Derelict? We don't even know that word here.

That's a good one. The poorest place I've been to is my dad's from this rural area in China. It's called Inner Mongolia, but it's not in Mongolia. it's just borders mongolia but it's like dry arid fucking farmland and everyone's like missing teeth and like they're all like look at your look at your lips they're so red they you must eat good food in america like it's they say that kind of shit i'm like what they're so red you're like no this is mac ruby woo you're like i just went i just went to the mac store i went to ricky's and And I've had a couple samples.

The Ricky's in it a little bit. A little glitter. Oh, my God. Okay, so give us the top five, just because we're going to talk about travel now, the last minute of this podcast. Sure, sure, sure. The top five places you think people should visit. People should visit.

Just give us a quick line why. Paris. Absolutely. Paris is... The wine is cheap. You can go to the bakery and get fresh bread and stuff every day. Yeah, but I feel like when you convert the money, though... Yeah, but the wine is still cheap.

The wine is still cheap. It's still cheap. it's like pulling spring bottles totally um honestly Vancouver Vancouver

Canada Canada yeah and then and then I'm gonna say Montreal without the racists French Canadians

are fucking white trash motherfuckers read them I don't think so honey no I don't think so honey me growing up

in in Quebec and thinking and like having kids like having adults come up to you and say shit and do like

ching chong ching stuff as like a fucking six year old like me me moving to america was me thinking oh wow people are less racist here isn't that isn't that racist and this is a racist ass country oh my god um honestly i'm saying a bunch of white places you honestly oh no shanghai shanghai is we would all have so much fun in shanghai because the food is good food is good there's great places to go to the hotels are nice

The nightlife is lit It's not that expensive We're not talking to you You got a movie theater dude You're the richest person in the room No I have I cannot pay off fucking six grand To the IRS

Not all at once but today You can do a payment plan though Guys I just quit my day job I don't The fact that you quit your day job You got on sandals today We don't quit we just get fired We get laid off

Yeah, we tell people to quit, but we got let go. Oh, my God. I was about to get let go. That's how bad, that's why. I was like, I might as well just like, I could have just been fired and lived off unemployment, but I didn't even do that. I was just like, I'm going to San Francisco and L.A. for two weeks.

I might as well not ask for the time off. I might as well just quit. Just quit. Oh, that's what happened. I guess you were pushed against the wall. You were like, I might as well. Yeah, but you could have gotten the unemployment. My roommate, the guy that I stayed with when I lived in L.A.,

my roommate, he just got laid off, and he's like, well just wait for the unemployment to come in that's pretty cute okay wait four years in la yeah no he's been at this job for four years i was at this place for five oh i should have just gotten fired you should have got the unemployment i know whatever you didn't talk to our black asses you should have had us in your life to tell you like oh no no no write that shit out write it out yeah and then you know give us like 50 each for you know for advising you advising me of course so what's it and then what's the last shanghai paris vancouver montreal montreal and then i'm gonna say last one um like amsterdam that's cliche well these are all cliche places

my friend is in amsterdam for the month and he went to the on the run tour and he's he was on the floor floor seats oh my god saw beyonce for a hundred dollars he was like these tickets would have been seven hundred dollars in the states yes wow more than the ground a hundred bucks and he He was close. Like, he was like... He could touch her butt. He saw her uterus, pretty much. Besa Kali.

Besa Kali. Besa Kali. $100? $100. That's crazy. Goddamn. I was like, I guess I gotta go to Europe. And they promote those tours so hard in Europe, too.

Like, those posters are fucking everywhere you go. Are they? Like, the last time I went... Last time I was in Amsterdam was, like, 2012. And that was when Madonna had an album out. And, like, her poster was plastered on every single thing. That face everywhere? I know.

photoshopped the fuck out of that huh okay just cheekbones with skin on yes anyway travel expert uh-huh i mean we we barely we but we wanted to honestly just wanted to get to know you because you know we've been on your podcast we love las culturistas and you know if you want to do a i don't think so honey for us right now if you have something i don't have something what there's not one thing that you're like yeah put me on the spot like that's what you You knew going in that But I forgot It wasn't in the email

I was like do we read emails Do we read No we saw the address We were like what time Can you guys do an I don't think so honey Well we're not ready There you go I'm unprepared

Do you have one Do you have one Sydney Because I don't have one Okay so then we have one so then we'll go first and then you go okay go ahead so you have time to prepare

are you starting the time yeah this is the this is the the classic I don't think so honey bit the segment that they do on La Culturisa's podcast

yes so I don't think so honey time is now I don't think so honey fucking tattoos bitch you're gonna put that on your body forever you're out of your

god damn mind your body's a temple you're putting fucking graffiti all over it you stupid mother fuckress why the hell would you pay someone to stab your skin with poison to draw a fucking little heart shape on

your on your fucking zygomatic arch i don't think so honey tattoos you're busted don't ever ever get me near a fucking tattoo parlor bitch those people are the scum of the earth what do they do they have not read they are not well read look if you do you guys have tattoos you're looking at my arm you've made a horrible life decision i don't know what you were thinking when you walked into a room and paid someone to stab you with ink why would you do that five seconds you deserve more you are more than body art body art more like body fart he's looking at my arm like do you guys have tattoos when we're like yo we had tattoos the whole time the whole time whatever that's a hot take that's just me like no i loved it you got

through it you made it all right are you ready time for yes okay you're gonna tell me i'm timing you this is sydney washington's i don't think so honey your time starts now i don't think so honey weddings i don't want to come to your wedding i don't care if it's in the same town as mine i don't care if it only takes me 30 minutes i don't want to see your love officiated i don't know i just feel like it's a lot of time it's the whole damn day and then we get engaged it's not just that one day we have to follow up every single day oh how do you feel about being engaged yeah how do you feel about your love do you love him forever oh my god i can't wait to go his your wedding oh my god i have to get an outfit how many outfits do i have to get for this fucking wedding i gotta

get it for the day and then there's a party after and then i gotta give you a gift bitch your love is the gift why do i have to bring a gift to your fucking wedding i've already taken off work who cares if it's on a saturday i ain't got a job i had to take off i feel like i have to take off I feel like I'm doing a lot of work for your love. Why are y'all getting married? Y'all gonna get divorced anyway. Y'all gonna get divorced.

Because I see the way you look at other people, girl. Y'all not gonna be together forever. You want me to be excited about y'all? I'm not. Because y'all straight, okay? I'm not happy about straight marriage. Anyway, I don't think so, honey.

And that's women. Oh my God, you guys. Joseph Jackson just died. Joe Jackson? Michael Jackson's dad? Sorry. Just had the breaking news. Some people would be happy about that.

but I mean just the Jacksons are happy about that yeah weddings suck cancel them oh my god I gotta do one now yeah we gotta do it

okay you want a timer hold on let me figure out just hold on okay you gotta do it what am I talking about I don't think so honey

let me think about that one real quick I wasn't ready Sydney we didn't prep this I know I just I was like let's put it on a spot

oh here we go let's do this you're so good at it so I already just knew that you were gonna do it well no I'm not but I think Like, I'm ready.

Okay, this is Marie Pastins. I don't think so, honey. Your time starts now. I don't think so auditioning for stuff that I feel like I should already begin. I don't know why I got to memorize lines. I got to put on a look. I have to go in and I have to talk to somebody who's not interested in me anyway. I don't think so, honey.

Auditioning for white people for a black role. I don't think so, honey. Drag them. Interviews via Skype. I got to download it. It's going to make my computer slower than it is. and then i gotta talk to you on skype and y'all like recording it to watch it later i don't think so honey then i gotta make sure that i'm well lit in the window or else or else

i look too black you can just look at my reel and you know she's not that good an actor go in you know what you're gonna get when you have me come in and read drag yourself i don't think so honey being on time for beth melski casting i don't think so honey name names for people five seconds are not performers themselves wow i'm nervous i'm giving you you know personality i'm giving you look you see me you hear me i don't have to audition for this i don't think so and that's one minute that was triumphant and it came from the heart from the heart oh yeah It was a deep little black heart. It felt very recent.

It felt like this morning. Yes. Damn. You went in for something? I Skyped for something. That she was honestly supposed to go because I'm mad about it now because I'm like,

nigga, really? Really? They're very disorganized, whoever it is. We're not going to shadow them. No Skype meeting ever goes well anyway. No, it's not good. Well, if it does go well

and they're like, oh, we'll fly you out. It's like, okay, how much time do I have? I have no time. We'll fly you out. in three hours. No, I have shit to do.

What's wrong with you? And you're not paying on top of that? Oh, then I have to have my card working when I get to the hotel? Wait, if I get to the hotel, do I got to put

my card in the car down? They're going to put a hold on the card. I'm going to have to write for incidentals. I'm going to have to write them and be like, I don't have my card.

I don't think so, honey. I don't think so, honey, because my taxes fuck my life up. Actually, you messed your life up. Anyway. Probably all that Tina you were doing, sis.

Shut up. I told them. I told the IRS. They were like So why didn't you File your taxes I was like drugs I was on drugs

They were like People on drugs Still gotta file their taxes No They should be exempt Bowen Where can people Listening catch you

Do you have a trip Coming up Oh my god No trips This is out Friday Today Today

The 29th Friday the 29th I Am gonna be In Montreal For JFL For Colossal Culture Not for anything else

That I know of What do you mean That's great though yeah yeah we're doing that and then um and then i'll be in philly and on july 17th no no no on july 14th for a show for a show that major jihari's putting up she's great yes and then um that's it and then the podcast is the podcast called dristas listen think about your i don't think so honey you know at him tell him what you what you don't think so about it's such a great podcast and we're such fans well you two are stars you know we're fans are one of the are on one of

the best episode well we will catch you guys in shanghai yeah we're going bowen and i are going to paris yeah i'm coming to the taken house the house where she got took with the french doors on the inside yeah i'm gonna get like a bunch of people to come it's gonna be cute if my card works i'm there my passport actually just expired last week so i have to renew my passport i got the form right here i literally just got the form you need proof of travel isn't the stupidest part of it i need proof that i'm traveling well if you wanted to i don't expedite i don't need it oh if you wanted to expedite oh i need to expedite it okay got it okay boom for canada well thank you so much thank you guys for listening make sure you you know review comment on itunes and whatnot tell

your friends share this and then slide over to the patreon but also more importantly the thing that we learned is don't go to a hotel in queens and then smoke crystals yeah if you see a pipe Just know it's like hard drugs What an interesting bong Know it's a crack pipe Or a crystal meth pipe You might end up getting A movie theater in your home

That's your parents house That's your life Bye guys Bye