MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The TSA Expert" with X Mayo

Episode Date: December 20, 2019

This week's guest is honestly the bomb! Our TSA Expert, X Mayo, joins us in the studio this week to talk all of her airport hijinks; including where to hookup in the airport, which celebrities have went through her metal detector, and what she was surprised to find in a white woman's panties. Plus, Sydnee talks taking a break from stand-up while Marie reveals what happened when she showed up 40 minutes late to a date.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog whoop whoop hello we're here hi ah wow did you say boop boop i said whoop boop you're like your auntie's in the house raise the roof in 2020 oh it is 2020 right yes sure yeah sure yeah this is 2020 um will we ever get a theme song we yes we will are we doing this yeah we are what would the theme song be though something cool what do you have in mind though we need a beat something that not much it was gonna be so long okay you're right you're right okay we don't have the money um i don't want to be affiliated with mcdonald's yeah you're right uh we gotta get it we gotta get a fucking intro dude because i listen to the podcast now just to i'm finally listening to

our podcast because everybody got their 2019 spotify top results and you were like damn i don't listen to the podcast yo it was so much shout out to all of y'all there were some people who like 42 minutes or something what is it 42 minutes no 42 000 minutes 42 000 minutes no no no there were some people who were tagging us and they only had like a thousand minutes i was like you gotta do better well sydney if you realistically think about it the if the episode is 60 minutes long and we do one a week yeah okay they're not all those minutes of podcast listening it's not us and they're posting it so obviously they don't listen to podcasts that often if that you guys are the only podcast that they listen to yeah that means something okay shout

out to y'all i mean we finally had got merged we a lot of things happen you know we are really improving as people slow and steady wins the race we working through it we giving y'all what y'all want when we're ready we're not in a rush we're gonna get there yeah you shouldn't be in a rush neither guys let us take our time this is our brand we take our time yeah but we want to go you know international we want to do more we want to get more ads more money so yes yes yes we must rush we working on it but the theme song is not keeping us from going international since we're already international that's true somebody's listening to this down under right now i don't know if that's the accent but I ain't never been there so yeah down under speaking of time oh now

I know what I was an expert in oh work okay well uh still not being on time I was 40 minutes late to a date the other day girlfriend what happened 40 and it's not like the date sprung on me I knew days in advance that I was going on this date and it was not that far from my house people stop inviting me to do things close to my house because I'm not ever gonna be on time like it's close and I'm like oh I'm gonna take my sweet time I'm gonna start getting ready when it's time for me to leave and that's what happened and I met he messaged me and was like hey I'm running late and I was like oh take your time I'm definitely running late yeah but he messaged me maybe like an hour before and I was like yeah me too so me knowing that like if he hadn't told me he was gonna be late

I wouldn't have been anyway he was 20 minutes late and then I was 40 minutes late so then you were really just 20 minutes late that's fine that's that's pretty much you you're usually 20 minutes late thank you you you're fine i'm look i'm trying to be better at being on time i really truly am and i'm trying to trick myself with all the clocks in my house and on my phone 10 minutes fast but i know that so but how did you look when you showed up i looked amazing friend where were you meeting phenomenal at a bar at a bar not that far from my house that's sad though like leaving someone 20 minutes because i don't feel as bad if they're already like at their house or something and i'm meeting there but if i'm meeting them outside like somewhere i'm like oh no i feel bad

yeah i did feel bad he was like do you want me to order you a drink and i was like oh i don't want him to put no drugs in it that's valid i i agree with that right so i didn't respond until right before i got out my uber yeah so that he could order it and then when i got there i saw the bartender put the drink down and i was like you ain't put no drugs in this right and he was like no was he cute he's cute but he was short and oh marie i'm just saying like i'm not trying to short shame or whatever i mean i am but um he looked taller in his photos because you know like you look it was like a group shot and it was him and like three other women and he was like a full head taller than them oh he had the new apple the the new iphone they like it makes

things look no i think they were just the women were really short i think is what actually happened in this instance yikes and when I was leaving I apologized for being late again and he was like no it's fine he was like

I would wait for you however much time you need and I was like please don't say that to me because I will be an hour late next time and he said that and you were immediately dry

you were like I got in the car like you gonna wait on me I'll wait I'll wait for you forever I was like

gross desperate too available and then never went on a second date with him too readily available Sydney what were you next to do this week

I said I knew but then I feel like I don't know but I do know that I will be taking a break from stand up yes I'm gonna I'm going to say no to more

shows that don't benefit me and I'm I'm going to say no. I'm going to Google more, ask more questions. I'm going to do more things to make sure I'm making the right decisions for my time. Because I feel like I've wasted tons of time on places and things and stuff that I just didn't need to do. Wow. When does this start?

The other day, I went to a show that was all the way in Rockefeller Center. Rockefeller Center? Yeah, it was a Friday, and it was 8 p.m. So it's during, this is, you guys know that we record beforehand, but this was during the holidays, so it's like peak time of stupid tourists that are just looking up at the sky. Also, Rockefeller Center always has tourists. It doesn't matter what the season is.

It doesn't matter, but this was like overload. Because the tree is there now. Yeah, it was pouring. It was pouring raining, and I couldn't, I didn't know how to get to the place. And then I was calling her, calling the producer, and it was just like so much drama. I spent $60 to get there. like it was so much

and my immediate instinct was like just cancel just cancel the show and I was like I don't think I can make it and then she was like

you know what if you get here at this time then I can still put you up and I was like oh okay I'll go and then I went there

and I did the show and somebody was hosting that I was like oh I don't think we're really cool like that anymore and the energy was weird I didn't have any

makeup on I did fine I did great but I was like I didn't need to do this this was so stupid How long did it take you to get there?

An hour. It took me forever to get there. Traffic was insane. It was pouring. I didn't have an umbrella. I got my faux fur. It's getting all, like, drenched. I got up there and I was like, how much is this show?

What am I doing? This is stupid. Like, I should be doing more and doing better and making better choices. So after that show, I was like, I am going to be saying no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's beautiful. I should stay in and write or just even have just time for myself. I love that for you, friend. Honestly, welcome.

That's what I'm going to do. I was an expert in wasting my damn time, but also having a revelation that I got to say no. Yeah, saying no is okay. And you know what? You know what's even better than saying no? Saying no and then not explaining yourself. Because not everything needs an explanation. Sometimes you just hit them with that no, and then you walk away.

I be feeling bad, and it's just like people cancel all the time, and they don't even blink. they don't think twice and then they they feel better and it's like I need to do the same for myself um

yes because we've been producing shows together for I don't know five years five years so realistically when you think about

the people who've canceled on us and it's not always it like and there's ways to cancel and it's not a problem like if I'm if I can't make something

and I know at the beginning of the day or like I know a few hours in advance I'll offer to replace like I'll be like oh here is a list of other funny black women

I always give black women names here's a list of funny comedians that you can reach out to tonight that might be available instead of me but like come on girl saying no is good for you self care so that's what I'm going to do for the rest of the year

say no and not feel bad about it and reclaim my time speaking of somebody who was on time today our freaking guest reclaiming our time came in with suitcase y todo I was like oh you on tour boo on tour for us

you came from all the way from Washington Heights no no she's been in Brooklyn all weekend Sydney is racist

no no because I'm Latino she said so you came from the Heights right didn't you say you lived in the Heights

you shopped the boat right let me feel your back it's a little wet you said you no that's what Sydney just said she did say that

I heard that bitch you live in Washington Heights though no I did that was the last apartment that you we've talked about yes

but I moved four times since then alright girl Well, that's not my fault. So right now, I'm in the Upper West Side, but I've been in Brooklyn all weekend. That's still far. Yeah, that is.

She did say, though. Also, hold on, hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sydney didn't properly introduce you. I did not, okay. Let's take a step back. Our guest, who's from the Upper West Side. No, bitch, no.

Upper East Side. Okay. No, I live in Upper West Side, but I'm from motherfucking South Central. Do not play me. I mean, I hear like I just been on West 33rd. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, our guest, who's straight out from South Central.

We saved her today because she was in the hood. The marathon continues. Yes. Okay. Yes, ma'am. No. Okay, this guest, we love her so much. She's a writer on The Daily Show.

Yes. She's an actress. She's a comedian. She's blowing the act up. She's wearing a Coogee sweater. Coogee. Okay. And it's not just for the pod.

This is her style, her brand. Okay. Give it up for X Maya. Yay. she is our TSA TSA expert I was off today wow this was like

first time shit but the guests love that I'm relatable they're like I feel like I could be her you know also Sydney is like

my sis we spent a lot of time together and we shit the shit and constantly on social media talking yes and you know I'm not racist

I thought you were no no I just I have to fuck with you because I haven't seen you in so long and Marie I think we've only hung out

maybe once yeah I think we did a show together a year or two ago. Like two years ago. That's when you had your hair before you broke the internet. Oh, she did.

With the bald and the red. Why did you, where is, where's your hair? No, I just wanted the bundles for my hair. I was just like, can I have it?

I support. Actually, could you have done it quicker because I need it. You need it. You need that hair. I need the weave for different moments.

We got self tapes. We got different people to play. You have a wrap on now. Yes. What is your hair doing underneath the wrap? I have a three-strand twist. Okay. Three-strand.

So braids. It's not. Actually, my homegirl, Cindy, God bless her, she did it. I was at her house. She was like, let me do three-strand twists on you. I have tried so many times, and it's not. It's an actual twist. And I'll take it down and show it to you.

Yeah. And it looks so dope. And she did it all over my head because I was like, sis, I cannot do that. So it's like still, it's almost dry. So I'm going to take it out tomorrow for work. And then you'll have a big, like, full fro. Yeah, but it's even more definition because it's like three curls instead of two. Oh, I can't fathom this.

She was hitting it like the Africans. She was just going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you pay her? No. And I see you still have your edges. So she didn't really hit it like the Africans. They snatched that shit up. Marie, I will show you the picture.

I did what you did after my third month in New York because I went to the Africans on 125th and they gripped my hair with jam. Now for all of our white listeners Jam is something that should be off the market It should be It should be illegal It is like so literally chemicals upon chemicals And as soon as you put it on your hair It starts burning

And so she was literally gripping every piece of my hair And there were small braids Blonde like to my ass So that braids were heavy Yeah and so I literally took them out Within like a day or two And then I shaved my whole head Because she took out all my edges here and here

They have bubbles and stuff? yeah and even some of my sideburns like these like it took like a year or two to grow back like the edges take a long time to they're very fragile andrew weren't we talking about edges edges yeah you explain it to me every time every time edges got it i know about all the tamers yeah we got style factor gel we've got eco style we've got everything yeah jam is canceled canceled we're We're going to get Andrew a little toothbrush for his birthday. So he can do his edges with a brush. Working for this podcast, we'll do that.

We're going to curl it like the sideburns. Yeah, we're going to give him some baby hairs. On Reno 911. You know who got the killer sideburns, though, is the Jews. Yeah, they do. With the curls. And you know they ain't going to stop and talk to me, but I want to stop and be just like, is that Shea Moisture?

No. What is that? That's like Seamus Moisturism. Well, I feel they can't talk to us. They can't talk to women. No, I know. That's why I said that they can't. But I would love to ask them, but I know it's disrespectful.

Wait, why? Why they can't talk to women? It's against their religion to talk to women that they're not related to. Yeah, or related to. Oh, shit, we should do that. That's a great religion. My friend's landlord is a Hasidic Jewish man, and she can't talk to him. She can't even talk to her landlord.

Wait, that's fucking boss. What, she can text him? I think, well, she lives with her cousin who is a male, so she needs to go through him to talk to Elaine Lawrence. I think more women need to be on board with this. My man can't talk to you because of his religion.

Do you hear me now? Yes. Can you hear me now? Wait, you're going to have all these niggas becoming Jews. Yeah. When I just see like little afros instead of like the fucking...

Hasidic. It's Hasidic. Hasidic. Okay. It's different. They got to wear the hats. The other Jews, what's the other ones?

Everybody else that you know, Sydney, that's Jewish. Okay. Literally all these other people that you know that are Jews. But I'm saying, what do you call that? It's Hasidic

and I guess like modern? No, that's not it. Is there modern Jews? Like the ones that's not Hasidic then what are they? They're just Jewish. They're just Jewish.

Is it Hasidic and then it's Jewish? This is not what the episode is about. This is not at all. Clearly we're not experts on being Jewish. This was ignorant

but we're open to learn so if you have if you can DM us give us information. If the Hasidic Jews can't talk to us they definitely can't listen to our podcast.

I am not worried about it. What if there's one that secretly listens to you guys well shout out to you sis or sir it's actually a sir who would not be able to speak to us silly well let's say sis because i call everybody sis right yeah yeah okay x you're here you're here for tsa um wait so you're from south central la yes yes born and raised yeah been in new york six years now okay wow cute yeah you're thriving you like it um like what new york new York it's fine um okay wow we we the thing is I I appreciate New York there's no way I'd be where

I'm at in my career without it but I feel like we've gotten I've I've gotten all of out of it all that I need to get oh so it's like it's great but it's just like you know no families come in here they have no interest oh your family doesn't want to come to New York at all no they came to see my shows and then bye mom I was like mom we have to walk to the train she was like from the apartment she's like call she calls it a uber she says call it a uber that's how my mom says it too she says she goes up to me she's like yeah my daughter got me staying in an r&b and b i love your mom she's the best what's your mother's name virginia virginia oh i was like yeah yeah she's a little masculine she's legal hello okay let's talk about it no wall for her

okay okay god bless the walls on the other side yeah good for her yeah but tsa so i worked there uh i was working there for a little over two years um and uh the reason why i got a job there was because it was during a time where i was like i really i've been on a stage since i was eight i danced first and then i pursued um a stage like theater and musical theater like 16 and then um at the age of 18 I was over the theater arts ministry at my mom's church back home um so by the time I got like 20 you have a really good voice yeah you do I'm listening to you talking I'm like this is a good voice yeah I said voiceover work you talking and every time you speak I hear my voice next to it and I'm like we got a lot of work to do I'm like I need to get a robotus

so scissor i'm like wow she's a penunciate everything probably penunciate that ain't even the word oh wow this is so sydney on brand of all the words of all the words to say wrong penunciate is the word y'all be penunciating wrong yes yikes sorry friends okay keep going um so yeah so then i went to um so i was like okay uh acting maybe isn't for me i was like I got very discouraged because I was dancing behind this artist and I was told that I was too fat and I have never it's crazy like I've never I never knew that I was like a plus size until someone told me because I've been that way my whole life like even when I danced at

Little Washington Dance Theater that's kind of like our Alvin Ailey in Los Angeles I've always been bigger but i still was all the duets i booked all the solos and me and my friend uh george he is a um now a drag queen goes by gia but he i knew that he knew that he was gay i knew that he was gay at eight and we were just like the misfits because i was overweight like i was always chubby and like he was like extremely like feminine and no one wanted to be around us and so we like to fuck the game up and we like uh we're like we're gonna get the duet for michael jackson scream it was like this major tap number and we booked it and we just was like basically like what like cussed out all the girls that we went up do you have video of you dancing my mom does because it

would be dope if when we put this episode up we can like see it we can put it on the in like our stories or we can put it oh yeah if i find any of that stuff i would love to give to to have that because it was so like important to have like that moment but i got really discouraged because i was i was voted best dancer most talented i was a cheerleader and then it wasn't until somebody was like you need to lose weight i was like wait i need to lose weight it's never been an issue so it really discouraged me so i was like okay i'm i need to do something and um one of the heads of the like tsa department that gets you hired is a deacon at my mom's church so okay x let me know when you want to do it and i'll put your number all the way to the top because it was like a

wait list of over 10 000 of people trying to get into the tsa that's a work sanity well because Top flight security? Well, the thing is, you got to realize that it's an amazing job. It has great benefits. Is it? Because everybody in there be upset. Miserable. But you've experienced New York.

Yeah. Because the JFK TSH trash. Oh, my God. They be like, shoot the fade. Let's go. Like, they are wild. And also, too, it's a wait list, too, because you have to realize people want to come to L.A. So it's not just people applying that live in L.A.

It's people from Mississippi, other places. They're like, I can make a good living and I can work here. And also, too, like, I had a friend that got her breasts reduced because her back was hurting. And the Department of Homeland Security covered that within our insurance because it's considered, like, a re-corrective surgery for her back. It's not cosmetic. Like, she was literally having issues. Like, wisdom teeth. Like, the dental insurance was through the roof.

Like, I mean, the benefits. And then, like, you could donate. I'm going to put an application in for the teeth. I feel discouraged, too. Comedy is, you know, not really working out for me as well. Also, too, you could donate your sick time. So to women that were having babies, they get a certain amount of weeks off. But then I was donating some of my sick time and stuff to different women.

And you have so many employees. So you get all three of us, and we each donate a week of our time. That's an additional three weeks she gets paid, you know? That is beautiful. Yeah. So it was great for that. So I applied and it was wild because they literally went to my fifth grade teacher. Like when they when they do background checks, the background check was about three months.

They literally went to my fifth grade teacher and was like, she got ASU in this. So what was that for? What's ASU? So. Oh, so in L.A., you the grade is like, you know, A, B, C, D or F. And then you have your attendance. You get so a satisfactory is great. A U is unsatisfactory.

and then you have, like, behavior. So I always got a U for behavior because I was always talking. I was always cracking jokes. You had things to say. Yeah, I did. And so Miss Yazzie, I love her. May she rest in peace. But she was a great teacher, and they even went to her.

So that was wild to me. Like, when they do background checks, it's like, it's not a game. Oh, yeah. You know, I'm not going to apply. I'm not going to pass this. My background ain't shit. No thank you. Yeah, so it was just like, so it was, like, wild.

so you go through the whole process like you take the x-ray test the x-ray test yeah you take the x you need to take the x-ray test before they even do the background check so what they do is they'll put in you know a few bombs a couple knives parts of a gun maybe some bullets and you literally have maybe 30 seconds per slide to find if there's something inappropriate um you oh so they put the slides up on the screen that you've but i'm on a computer so i'm like and i circle like this is a bomb this is this and this is this is wild because basically you got to know about bombs and shit before you even go through um the fucking uh test that yeah you have to pass this test before you even do the background check so as soon as they were like hi Reezy um but they would say

hi Marie you are um you've been you uh we've chosen you to um you know start the process to become a tsa agent so here is the date for your test so you go and take your test if you don't pass that that's it then you get one time that's it boom you're done never can work for tsa ever how much how much can you get wrong on the test yeah i think you can miss one and it and it and it's not a like a bomb or like a like a weapon you can miss like a water bottle or something because you know like we can't take anything lgas over 3.4 ounces listen they i whenever i go to my mothers whenever i go to my mom's house she gives me food and then i don't remember where i was traveling i think i was flying back to la and i had all this food that my mom had given me

and they were like yeah you none of this can go and i was like my yogurts they won't even let me bring yogurt on the guy was like throw it away or eat it and i ate it right there and because i was like i'm not throwing away my food well this is the thing this is the thing about tsa agents now it might have changed because the last time i was working there was about nine years ago and i know They have this new thing that you go in, you put your hands up. Throw the diamond up. Right. All of that.

They're like, cheers to the rock. That's what the fuck you're doing in there. But so what I would do, it really depends on the discretion of the TSA agent. Oh, we know. So there were times- We do know that. I can tell by their eyebrows if they're going to be petty or not. If she has an ombre brow, she's going to be cunty.

Never ombre. The New York TSA agents are so, like, the way that you're telling me these benefits are set up, they should be nicer to us. Yes, yeah. But they're dealing with, you have to think, thousands, no, millions of people, like, on a daily basis that are just, have different personalities. That don't fucking listen. Yeah, they think they're better than, they're like, oh, I'm in pre-check, I get to do whatever the hell I want. And then there's people who are in the regular line who act like they have pre-check energy. And it's just like, nope, you got to wait like everybody else and take your shoes off

and stop asking all these dumb ass questions. 100%. And so that the thing is, too, is just like, so there would be some time. So like, so I got hired in like the girls I got hired with, like to this day, like they support me wholeheartedly. And like, I love those girls like so much. And the one thing, the one thing like I was saying with your discretion, like I had people that come through and they were like, sis, I'm going to New Orleans.

Like, this is my room. I need to take this. and as a black woman I'm like I totally understand let me test it so rue is like literally the base

of a gumbo like it makes or breaks the gumbo so if you don't have rue like that rue is like it like there's no gumbo without that

like there's all the flavor and seasonings and everything like that so I was like sis just let me test it so you would taste it? no test it like

this rue is that seasoned and then you would taste it the rue ain't worth my job yeah you start you start rubbing it on your gums

and you're like this ain't gonna hit right this room is a bomb no this is a bomb you're exhibiting terrorist like activity how do you test how you test the room

so well with anything there would be just like these cloths and we just like you know stroke it go around it put it in our machine and it will

let us know if it had explosives or not or what about drugs they just be throwing all the stuff that they threw away they could have just wiped it with a little

a little moist toilette they could have a little sham wow yeah follow up question what does a bomb look like uh well it depends because people we uh we got word about people that like um put it in the shape of a bottle and it's usually like a dense substance um oftentimes like play-doh would get

like mistaken for that or we'll just take it or um it but it it depends because we've we've seen stuff with people like um maybe like sydney will have part of it like taped to her panties that she made homemade and it's like a zipper she put it inside and then like you have the detonator under your tit and then the other person but what does the detonator look like the detonator just looks like um what is this part like like like the bobby brown like the little like the it's like a tape and then it has like a little thing like this it's a little thicker just like something to spark it but also two people can get very creative and make it look like anything it just needs to be able to connect with the bomb

to cause a situation. Okay, well now I see why they so extra. That makes sense. Yeah, because also a detonator is like, like, Marie can have a detonator, like, literally, like, under her armpit. That's why I'm like, put your hands up. I need to do a full check, like, you know, like, and that's the thing, too, like,

there are things that does not reach the general public because of, like, safety issues, and we don't want everybody in America going crazy, but there's a lot of shit that we see, so when we, so, like, just to, like, the Discipline Devil's Advocate for like other TSOs like all over the world is just like,

you don't know what the fuck we just saw. You know, that's not going to reach you. Like, and it could be in Utah or Colorado. Like somebody was trying to sex traffic and then this person had cocaine and then a woman had a gun taped in her coochie. In her coochie? Yeah.

How big was the gun? She got a fat boom boom. Yes. Listen, the power of our vaginas. The power of pussy. Wow hilarious Was the gun shaped like a pen Or like a dildo

No she just like Taked it and she just like sits on it But we got it Like a tampon I would be afraid That it would go off and just shoot me I sit down too fast Well that's the thing she don't have bullets in there

She got her homegirl with her So they gonna come together and do some shit Okay did not know that did not know that this is incredible okay now I understand okay

but different different people but they still bitches exactly cause different cause different cause it's not universal different airports

will let different things slide like when I was on my eat pray ho trip over the summer congratulations thank you so much I was carrying like shea butter with me

that went through like a couple airports and then I got to like Sweden or Switzerland or whatever and they were like you can't take like you i you're i'm shocked at the things that make it through some places and then don't make it through well also too because shea butter looks like a bomb so the thing is for

them it's like okay well i'm not going to maybe take the necessary steps to test this what i can do is now what i have the authorization to do is that this looks like something that could not be okay and i don't want to test it so it's out i was like i need it for my skin and my hair and my hey look how dry they are literally and they're like i'm like i'll put it on right now and they were like so i've done that before too because i was a very nice tsa agent i also it's crazy my whole life i've always gotten in trouble because they're like hey x before you get to work it's usually quiet and then as soon as you get on the line now nobody's working everybody's laughing everybody's like doing whatever and what i didn't even know at that time though guys was that i

used to be like don't tag me out of the of the mag now the mag is where you get to talk and everyone has to listen so for me that was like my stage because i now that i write jokes i know that i was doing bits but i didn't know that that was called a bit right so people weren't listening to me and they were still like not taking off their shoes not putting their laptop in a separate bin and they were like putting like clorox through anything and so i was like please guys please take out like your your liquids your water your guns and everybody would stop and i'd be like see now I got your attention take your bag out

right now bitch and I was just like doing bits and just shooting the shit and no one liked to be at the mag because a lot of the agents were not performers

and they didn't like to talk or like talking this is weird they would just yell at us so yeah so if I was on a shift that day

everybody was so happy because like for three hours I would just stay there and just like shoot the shit oh that's amazing run a set yeah run a set

a tight three hours bitch how many specials is that three that's three specials Tight 180s. I will tell you that it was a very loose three hours. Wasn't shit tight about that. She didn't know nothing.

Give her the light. Wrap it up, sis. Wrap it up, sis. Please go on, Bray. It's okay. Thank you. But I will say that TSA, they be playing games sometimes. Now, I had a little altercation with them.

Talk about how small the altercation was, sis. I had a- The FBI was called. I mean. I had a police baton in my purse, but it was at the bottom of the bag and I hadn't even thought about it because it's just like it had been in there for a minute. And I got it from my girlfriend at the time. And she didn't tell me that it was an illegal weapon.

She didn't tell me that. We got the baton from like a hardware store. So how are they selling this shit if it's illegal? So I had it in my purse. Obviously, it went through. And I knew something was wrong because it was like three people. Three or four of us. Three.

They were all like. They were all looking at it like, well, you make sure. No, they were all talking. They were like, well, what did you get on your test? how many did you get wrong get the fuck out they're like Rayshon you get the fuck out

because you barely passed it's only because your mama was fucking the district manager that you did this motherfucker Rayshon wow this is real specific this is an inside joke fuck y'all

so the three people come over and I was like oh it's probably just some like lotion or something like that some makeup I don't know they had to go in

they had to get like a claw to like go get the baton And they made a big deal about it, and they arrested me. But then after all of that, the police officer was like, you know what? If it would have been another day, I feel like they could have just given you a ticket. But that guy was adamant on you getting arrested. And I was like, what did I do? Yeah, there are some that are assholes like that.

I was bawling, crying. It was so embarrassing. It was early. There was mad people from Wisconsin on the other line. And they was just looking like, oh, she must be drug trafficking or something like that. Yeah. She got a gun in her cooch. Yeah.

Gun cooch. Gun cooch. She got a gooch. They're like, well, who's the gooch? They're like, who's she with that got the bullets? That bald young man? No, I'm so sorry that you experienced that, though, Sydney. Yeah, that's really fucked up.

But see, that's the thing. It just depends on the person who's there. Because for me, remember I told you about that girl who I found the weed with her. my issue was like, you were actually lying. You went through so many. Well, can you tell us the story? Yeah, tell us the story. Oh, yes. Okay, so it was my last day of working. Blessed.

This is what made you quit? Oh, no, I had already quit. She was already putting time in. I was like, I am going to be a star. We're doing it. A star is born. A star is born. And it was because of some advice Marlon Wayans gave me at TSA. I'll tell you that

later. But so the girl, uh they train us very well on how to watch body language there's literally people uh at tsa i don't know if i'm legally can say this i'm gonna say it but they're called bdos and they're body detector officers and they look just like andrew me you and sydney but they are very well trained they just watch body language so we've gotten they get like six to seven months training in like just on body language so i so they're online with the rest of us they're everywhere okay heard they're not even online they're everywhere and so for us so for us we've gotten like some of that training because we need that so based on her body language I knew that she had something

and I was the only female officer there so um my homeboy he uh as soon as she walked in I was like send her through so she sent her sends her through or whatever and um we have the license to graze your vagina when we search. Okay, but I'm in dinner first. So when we do certain pat downs, especially because the dress she had, she had on a long dress. She's a petite woman like you two.

Was she thick though? She's not thick. Okay, so she didn't look like Sidney. She looked like me. Yeah, because Sidney got a little tooted and booed. Toot that thing. And so I lightly grazed her shit

and I felt something and as a woman that also has a... It was her penis. Oh, my God, Marie. I'm sorry. What? As maybe it was her penis. No.

No. Get out. Maybe. Get out. Oh, my God. That's problematic, Marie. Maybe she likes to travel with her dick strapped to her body. This is the last episode of an episode.

Yes, absolutely. I agree. With the Jews and the T's. I agree. Jews and the T's. Yes. This is, yeah. Okay, so you graze her cooch.

You feel something because you're like, that's not what my cat feel like. God bless. And so even though pussies are like snowflakes, not no two are the same. Thank you. God bless. Thank you. And so what I did, it was also hard as well. So, you know, they teach us when you feel something, you grab it.

So I cupped her cooch and I was just like, man, what is this? And she was like, it's a tambourine. So let you know that this was a white woman. And I was like, OK, I need to see it. And she was like, you need to see it. She's like, but there's like blood on it. I said, well, there was blood on 9-11. so what i need you to do is okay you hit her with the 9-11 you hit her with that you hit her with

the never forget yeah never never forgot marie i am fucking done this is my last day you i have like no filter you i'm fucking mad at you because i know it's some shit yeah yeah yeah so i tell her don't i was like do not touch your bag so i had my homegirl assist me went into the room i was like take off your panties right now as well oh sorry before we're walking over to the room she's walking next to me and she was like okay it's not a tan line it's weed and i was like well now you're exhibiting terrorist like activity because you just lied to me right so now i need you to go in there and you take your panties off she took her panties off and then she like pops out like like this like this camera case from like kodak like you know how we put the camera in there

yeah yeah yeah and then it has a picture of steve urkel on the front that says did i do that with his thumb up like like thumbs up wait she had a camera case in her cooch with weed inside so this bitch is a clown that's what she is she's clearly foolish okay a camera how big was that like the size of like a cell phone no the one that you used to put film in the film camera oh she's just stupid yeah i told you a clown she did that and then so what happened was we were all getting tested by uh department of homeland security during that time so i go up to my manager like haha funny you tested me on my last day and he was like x that was not a test that was not sent from headquarters like you literally found something so i had to do over two hours of

paperwork for that they had to call laua which is airport police like they're usually like maybe like um retired uh policemen or yeah that's who came to pick me up yeah and they literally have nothing to do and a lot of them are misogynistic um sure very very misogynistic i knew when amber rose was coming through because literally a surge of laua police would come over I was like, what do you need to do? What are you doing over here? And then you just see Amber Rose walk through. And it's like, okay.

They just want to watch her walk through? Truly. She's very soft. She looks squishy. What do you mean? She came through and I was just like, oh my God. I was like, Amber. It was like the height of the whole Kanye.

Because it was like 2009. And so I was like, Amber was like, oh my God, I love you. I was like, you're so great. And she was like, you are too. And like she reached out and gave me a hug. And like I hugged her for so long. And she like let me hug her for so long. She's so soft.

she smelled like I've never smelled that perfume ever again in my life I don't know where that's available was it sweet it smelled sweet

it smelled musky it was sweet and it had like a hint of I can only describe but there was this African oil I love called golden sands

it smelled like the old Kanye that's what it smelled like it smelled like when his mother was still with us yes yes yes oh god bless

God bless she rested in the peace golden sand you said I'm gonna put some of that on my cooch no oh no gold sand

don't do it on your cooch I'm going to put it around the cooch. Like, you know, you dab it behind your ears. I'm going to dab it behind my cooch. Did you guys hear about this new wave that women are taking their vagina juices and putting them on their necks so that their pheromones are released into the world? And that's what draws men to them. What? Men are drawn to my face, not my pussy.

So gold sand. Y'all hoes got to get it together. Yeah, that's the new thing. Y'all really want these men? That bad? That bad. You got to put your juices on your neck? Juices and berries.

Girl, get it together. I'm disappointed in the girl who put the camera canister in her cooch. I mean, I'm going to say off the record, the weed that I fought through the airport, I've never thought to put it in any body part of mine. This is the thing. We're in Los Angeles, and it was legal at that time, and even when it wasn't technically legal, it was always legal in Cali. Right.

But, like, so that's what made me upset. I was like, that's why I'm mad at you. Because it wasn't even, like, a lot of weed. No. What a waste. If you show me your card, I'll let you go. Oh, wow. So she did all that.

And then what? She went to jail? Yeah. Dumb. You know what I did? I had wrapped this weed. And I wrapped it poorly. But I put it in my water bra at the time.

I had like a bra, you know, that you have like the little gel like underneath. And there's like a little slit. I put it inside there. And this is when they didn't have the x-ray where you could see everything. They just want to make sure you don't have any metals. And I went through. but the problem is that I was sweating

so hard that you could actually start smelling the weed the weed was so loud the weed was so loud it was so loud

that I'm on the plane and people around me is like you're still wearing it in your bra on the plane after the fact yes

how old were you Sydney oh I was young okay yeah that makes sense I think I was like 22 I was about to say no older than 23 I put my weed

in a trail mix bag okay okay okay because the trail mix had like nuts and and shapes and it all looks like weed exactly potpourri in that bitch this was i was since across across not even state lines i was in canada and i was like yeah i'm gonna put this weed in this trail mix and then i was like this is gonna work it's gonna be a flawless victory confidently strolling through the airport put my bag down and i was like oh this is this is dumb this is this is not it's not worth it body uh body language niggas was looking at me like well she definitely has something i mean it got through it got never run if you're running late in the airport do not run why do not like that is that is like a key like somebody will stop you even if i wasn't like a

bdo i would still be like why are you running in the airport because i'm late i always run i always run at the airport because i'm always late getting there right as they about to shut that door but it depends on what you're running with like if we see people running and they got a suitcase and you're like i it yeah 9-11 you know like we just really i just it just what's like that get there on time make your every effort to be that's gonna be hard for me let me tell you marie i wanted to oh i wanted to scream when you talked earlier i couldn't talk because that's you guys is like opening my eyes like marie i hate people who are late and i hate being late. And I was like, 40

minutes. I know. It's so bad. And I don't like being late. Yes, you do. No. I hate being early. That's what it is. It's clear because you're not on time. Being early and

waiting irks me the way that people being late I love being early. You know what's worse, Marie? Being on time and a bitch is 40 minutes late. There you go. That's the worst. I love being early I love because I hate it let me tell you too I love being early especially because my office mate like he gets there usually like right on time and so it's just kind of like gives me time to like unwind do whatever and just like I hate rushing into a thing like I hate that I got

here like directly on time I would love to have been here like at 115 I can like listen to my music like look and just like chill and just like go into the thing like rested and clear rather than rushing into it. I rush into everything. Like a Tasmanian devil. Like a tornado coming in. I'm knocking shit over. I'm apologizing.

I'm asking for waters. I'm like, I forgot something. Oh my God, where's my credit card? Oh, I don't even have a credit card. Never mind. Tasmanian devil. That is such a, we should get those.

We should get that tattoo. Is that our new mascot? Did Taz have a theme song? Because that should be the theme song for the end of the show. He didn't. It was just like, That's it

That's it We're gonna add a beat to that We gonna chop it and screw it He had a mumble He mumbled Yeah He was like He didn't speak English

Yeah Well I too don't speak English I said pronunciate What did I say? Pronunciate That's what you said Pronunciate That's not right

We hear how you be pronunciating things How do you say it? Pronunciate Pronunciate Also I think the word you were looking for Was enunciate Enunciate But then the pra came in

Pronunciate Pronounce Wait Pronunciate Is that even a word? no it's enunciate or pronounce oh she's combining we're really translating this

I feel like that is a word it should be the word that you said earlier was not a word like conversating but not the word that you needed to use when you said okay so X what's the craziest thing you've ever seen somebody I was just about to ask okay I'm not bad

I'm gonna let Sydney ask it go ahead Sydney what's the craziest thing that happened while you were at TSA Yes, you had to give me that Sidney after die. Quiet storm, Sid. Yes, come on. What's the craziest thing that you've ever seen somebody try to bring through?

Okay, well, there was a woman who was clearly a prostitute. Why you say clearly? Well, because she walked in like real hustle and flow. That was her mood board for that day. Hustle and flow? You know it's on out here for a few. She came out here. But she had her little bra sequins and had her little shorts on.

Because your body's going to fly. It's cold. She had booty shorts on? Yeah. But girl, she might have been a backup dancer for Justin Timberlake. Absolutely not. She just telling you what she had on. She didn't have a coat with her?

No. No. And she was in a rush to make the last flight into New Orleans at Southwest. I was doing OT there at Southwest. These bills ain't going to get paid by themselves. So she was in a rush. Sydney, why did you spray that? We are in a room with no windows and you sprayed that stuff and now we all got to breathe it in?

It's rose water. Yes, but it's in my nose and it's in my mouth right now. Well, now you refresh, bitch. Okay, wow. And you eating on a microphone. What is happening? What else do you have? And you don't have, do you have more candy?

Right. She's just going to whip out the Twix? You only have one? She's so disrespectful. And Twix is my shit. Okay. that's not even I'm low key pissed

I might go I might go and I just said oh I'm so hungry you did like literally said it Andrew offered to get me something to eat

yeah well maybe some well butrin maybe wow I feel like we all got we have to leave everybody just sit up and walk out

they literally just left the room well I could I could what's wrong with you I could talk I could do this by myself welcome to the unofficial expert where it's just me and it should just be me y'all are gonna hear

the rest of the 15 minutes left wow okay well okay so back to back to the um the woman so she comes in so she's in a rush too and the thing is too i knew that she was a prostitute because she kept when we had to test her bag because all we saw on the screen i saw nothing but panties dildos and then big things a loop so it was like um so it was like she had the uh do you have one for the other do you have one for the guest i do not but marie's starving no give no you take it on marie sydney i will get her ass at another time i'm sorry i got you i promise you i will yeah you do i could you after imagine if i had tried to split this with you no i wouldn't even allowed you to

you take that in thank you so much yeah you take that in sis I'll see how no Sydney is fucked up well I look out for my kind

you know Cursor out in Spanish I mean I'm puta hey that's what I am puta puta puta with your pronunciating

yo is that merch pronunciate no next you know she be like it was necessary necessary necessary

necessary clothing finish the story Okay, so I was like, miss, I have to check your bag. And she was like, oh, because I'm going to be late. Daddy's going to be mad. Like, I got to be late. She was, like, so manipulated to the point that she kept referring to her pimp and referring to daddy. What kind of shoes was she wearing?

She had flip-flops. But she had stiletto pumps and stuff in the bag. But it was nothing but a plethora of panties, a lot of dildos, and lube. And so I had to take the lube. It was big, big. Oh, good to know. Dildos can make it through security then. Well, I knew she needed it for work.

I've done that though I had a double side deal though I'm not gonna fuck up this girl's bag I'm not gonna fuck up her bag Marie I'm all for sis get your bag do what the fuck you gotta do I just gotta take this is illegal this liquid gels aerosol

so this gel of lube it was about a good 10 ounces she had like 3 of them well she was gonna have a busy weekend sis Superbowl weekend she's got kids how dare you you're not an ally I had to take her lube I had to She needed that lube.

How are you going to use the dildos without the lube? They go hand in hand. Oh, that's true. You might as well have taken the dildos if you was taking the lube. Yeah, exactly. You told her to spit on it when she walked away? Yeah, use natural lube. Natural lube.

But it was great because right after Idris Elba came through and he's so hot. Did you hug him? Okay, what happened? I did not. I was like, I could not. You were too scared? Yeah, but he's extremely handsome, very tall, the whitest socks ever. The whitest socks ever

I'm very big on that I'm very big on that And he smelled so good And he had Of course the thickest accent And so he wanted to know If he had to take All his backpack

Out of the thing He knew He travels all the time He needs to stop Yeah but he got pre-checked Or something Yeah but this was like 2009 I think

And he was flying Southwest a late flight As well Southwest? He doing bad Listen Sometimes Southwest

you gotta get the flight this is why he's never gonna be James Bond he flies Southwest James Bond I cannot that's the reason

the black girl got it because they're like she flies first class yeah they're like she flies JetBlue at least Southwest yikes no Southwest was a lot

I was working at Southwest the day that MJ died so it was like it was insane like and some people were canceling their flights because they knew

that the funeral would be in LA so it was like literally mayhem so that was wild that day They were canceling their flight. Yeah, because people wanted to stay in L.A.

They knew the funeral would be in L.A. So they were going to get invited to the funeral? Like, what's going on? These are white people. Okay. Well, oh, okay, wait. These are white people who are hardcore fans, and they're like, I will risk not going back home to Colorado

because I know there's going to be a funeral at least within a week. They're not going to see the body. They weren't invited to the funeral. Oh, maybe it was a big thing at the Staples Center, remember? The Staples Center. That's what it was. Yes. It was a big thing.

yeah that's why i'm starting with me well that's interesting but also crazy uh that people put their lives on hold for somebody who didn't know yeah it was also wild too working at tsa that you see that um a lot of people fuck each other what there's like a big thing at tsa it's like yeah it's like i have my wife or husband or partner whatever at home and like i was shocked to know how common it was that like other TSOs would be fucking

and then we also have something called G2 so they're like the poor man's TSA they do not have the level of like

clearance that we do they don't get paid as much as we do they basically are like security guards what color do they wear? in LA it's burgundy they keep the line moving

they're like so at JFK they're the ones that are like they're basically line control that's all of them cause they all

got that energy you ain't got enough clearance bitch that's why you mad yeah you don't get paid as much money and every time they go through the airport like they they like we go through like what's called the exit so we just go around the whole like security shebang but they have to go through security and get checked that's why they're so angry stay in line take your shoes off i work here you know me nah you know me kyle yeah go do the line brother yeah so that was that was wild to know that and then Where do they sleep?

Where do they have sex? At the airport? No, just wherever. Like, I don't think people have been fucking at the airport. People be banging at that airport. Especially at LAX. There's so much space. What's the top five places in LAX to have sex?

To have sex. Real questions. Okay, well, because they're, like, remodeling it. By the Shake Shack. They're remodeling it. I would definitely say the restrooms. Sure. Right.

Um, probably, um, in the, uh, uh, you know, like when you lose your bag, like that office there. Oh yeah. It's like when you lose your bag, you got to go check and see right there. Lost and found. Uh huh. Man, I lost something in LAX and I never got that bag back because they were probably too busy having sex to find my damn bag.

It probably is. Um, I would say the parking lot, parking lot's huge and depending on what time you go there. I would say if you are a TSO agent, it's where we dispose of all of the shit that we've taken every day. Yeah, what do y'all do with that? Where does that stuff go? It's in the trash. Y'all really throw it away? Y'all telling me none of y'all be like, ah, my daughter needs that, actually.

Yeah, this is an unopened deodorant. I'm going to take it home. Yeah. I have never taken anything. Well, you have never taken anything, and we believe that. Kind of. Oh! Kind of.

We kind of believe. No, Marie, I was really set up right. Like, I literally only paid my Boost mobile bill, and that's it, when I was working there. Because I was living with my mom, and my car was paid off. I don't have really any vices, but, like, going out to eat. I've never even been drunk. I don't smoke, so. You've never been drunk?

Mm-mm. You don't drink? No. You just be on 10? Mm-hmm. Just, you be on life? You high on life? I thought I told you that, Sydney, because my brother, I was raised with alcoholics,

and then my brother died from a drunk driver, so drinking has never been. something that I did not know that damn Sidney damn Sidney way to bring the mood down sorry and she didn't give me

no fucking twigs and she and she's sober but she looking at you like duh hook what's wrong with you yeah I did I did judge

for two seconds yeah so I just so at TSA I had I didn't need to take anything I had all my money I had money to lend give out

and do all that because it was just like just coming to me I paid my phone bill that was it you still got money to give out or I'm just asking

Marie, you are totally paid. Yeah, she's doing fine. She's got an apartment by herself. Thank you. Yeah, but somebody got to pay for that apartment. True. You know, and it's wintertime. I need to pay the heat.

She hasn't turned that heat on once. That's a lie. You better turn it on. Cindy is a liar. It's freezing over there. It's frigidary. Cindy is anemic, so she's always cold. She cold right now.

Because she an itty bitty. Sis, she wear layers in her house. She would leave the stove open, but that's not working out. That's a lie. Oh, my God. Sydney is, you know what? Like, Marie walks into the house. It's like, bitch, are you about to leave?

It's like, no, I'm about to go inside. This is my house hoodie. These are my house sweatpants. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you. I'll tell you the story about Marlon Wayans before we have to get out of here. Marlon Wayans.

Okay, word. Yeah. So, I am a huge fan of the Wayans. Like, when I would watch the Wayans Brothers, I was like, oh, my God, I'm Marlon. Like, I love Marlon so much. And I can, like, transcribe white chicks. Like, I love all of them and, like, live in color and all of that. Okay.

So they were all coming in one by one because of the Super Bowl. So many celebrities were like coming in and there's some celebrities. I'm just like, you're the worst person ever. That's what we want next. Okay. So he came through and I saw him like rushing, like trying to get through. So I was like, oh, he's probably running late. Oh, so he can run, but nobody else?

Well, I'm telling you from me. She said through her line. Yeah, through my line. No, I'm just saying too, like for your safety, like I don't know what goes on in Utah. I don't know about an airport in Atlanta. Like, I'm just saying I know that those are like clear signs. Especially if you had like a suitcase or something. So, so I was like, he was like, well, she was like, baby girl, can I please get to the

head of the line? Please? I'm running late for my flight. And I was like, nope. You don't have pre-check? I don't know if pre-check existed in 2009. I'm not sure. Since I wasn't born, I have no idea.

That's before my turn. Sydney is seven. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I was just like, yeah. I was like, I was like, no, you cannot. And he was like, what? I was like, I'll let you go through if you tell me, like, how to have longevity in this business because I'm an actor and I want to know, like, how can I, like, have a sustainable career?

And he was like, do you write? And I was like, you know, people write things down. I think I sent a text to my mama the other day. You know, like, he was just like, no, no, no, no, no. Do you write? And I was like, well, no. And then he was like, until we, and he put his hand on my skin, and he was like, until we get behind the camera, we will not get in front. You have to write, and you have to write every single day.

You cannot stop writing. You have to take it seriously. And so I put my hand out, because I was like 23 at the time, and I was like, thank you, Mr. Williams. I put my hand out. He grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug and kiss on my cheek, and he said, be great. And he walked away.

That's why you're writing for The Daily Show. He walked in front of the line. And I've been writing ever since, and I am where I am now. And it wouldn't be, and even moments like that are so important to me. That's why I do so many community-based things. That's why I did the POC Entertainment Panel, just because like white people are so connected and have these networks to where if you're white and you started out as a chemist but then now you want to be an actor you can skip right to the top

and also you went to daycare with robert de niro's daughter right so your mom can do a smooth like i had to take the reason why i take opportunities when i see celebrities like i also had a moment like that when i met miss tisha campbell when i was working catering for miss tisha campbell yes yes uh i i i had to take that opportunity because it's like my mom's an immigrant you know my dad is a working class black man like all my all my tias are you know working women all my aunt you know so no one has connect they don't even know what like what i'm doing they can't even fathom they're like what do you you know so it's like i really had to take that opportunity and i'm so grateful to him because i needed someone i didn't know that writing is that important i

it i didn't know i used i did it like i wrote plays i started in plays at 18 and like making my own work was important but really after i met him that's when it really became important and when i left tsa i immediately went to film school and then i started my own production company and then what um yeah i used to do um what was your production company called um pronunciation pronunciation association um it didn't really have uh just like a name it was just like we would need to do like all these reality show bitches that y'all know now like they wanted their own pilots their own

ones back then so we would be doing like young black Hollywood events doing like red carpet shit and then we shot a pilot for a woman now that she's no longer on Basketball Wives LA but she was and we shot her pilot for her what's her name? Angel Brinks oh yeah she has the clothing line

yeah she's very kind she's one of the I'm gonna call it Never Never Land That's what I'm going to call it That's what I'm going to call it Until I see it It's never neverland Yeah headquarters is

Chateau Charrette Heard you No Angel Brinks has A real clothing line No she has No everyone is wearing it From Nicki to Rihanna

Angel Brinks sounds like A porn star Let me look her up Okay She's doing great things Yeah and she was the kindest We were really with someone Someone had like

Commissioned us to do the pilot And they like Were evil And like Didn't want to pay us Also lied about Fucking Rihanna There was a whole

News thing but that was a lesson that I needed to learn I don't even remember this person's name they said Rihanna was attached to the project no she

the person who commissioned us that was like oh like yeah we want to do this pilot with her it's like well she made us like go through her

to like book and like do the pilot and so that woman like ended up being real shitty like the only reason we ate while we were working was because of Angel

like she invited us to her home she was so kind and so sweet but that woman that was the connector from my like group uh like my production team to angel uh yeah it was like after i was like i'm not working with

at all she wanted me to sign shit and do shit and and that's the thing that's the great thing about knowing about these stories like tlc and new edition what i've always known and i have more information now but i've never signed she was like bitch you're not about to tlc me you ain't about to be pebbles pebbles no pebbles yes you will not so she wanted us to sign she was just wild but i needed to go through that because it's made me a better producer i'm not great yet but i am far better than you're amazing producer amazing host you have uh a show called who made the potato salad and it's like an experience yeah it's it's more than just a show yeah it is you're really in another world for over an hour yeah it's great who in the hell made the potato salad did you get to

come have you been able to come marie yeah maybe come which did you did you get to come with i was one of the aunties oh yeah you was aunties for the one that one year anniversary baby it was a good time that was one for the books we there was a fire hazard there were people sitting on the stage it was wild i was there i was yeah multiple wigs then he came through i had a blonde wig on i was mary j blush wait and then you was coming at alex you was like i heard alex was gay she kept saying that i am a good auntie you better be the good homophobic auntie i had the cheetah print down down multiple weeks never never dropped her bag she came out twerking to her bag and everything that sounds like cindy's brand i had a gold carlos santana pump i was doing

my thing yeah it was so good but yeah i think that's why it's so important like moments like that that i had with marlon wayans and like when i was able to talk to miss tisha about like what she has done for me oh what did she say um well it was so crazy because i was working at mr c during like the sony upfront thing and that was about uh four years ago so i'd already moved to New York. And so they have me stationary on the buffet. And I was like, no, I need to be passing apps because I need to get to Miss Tisha. So in my mind, I was like, when I talked to her, I was going to say, Miss Tisha, you've changed my life. Like, I love your body of work. And thank you so much. And I'm going to walk away. Body of work. I'm going to write that down. I loved

your body of work. And so I like begged someone and his name is Kyrie. He actually just did potato salad. So it was like a full circle moment. But we met that day. I was like, Kyrie, please switch with me. And so I was like, I have to meet Miss Tisha. So I walk up to her and I was like, miss tisha and she looks me in my eyes and she's like yes and i start shaking marie like i start shaking and like it's like someone literally poured water on my eyes like i could not control it because this woman you were crying yeah i was crying uncontrollably yes at work and this was illegal oh not even for pain no i mean that happened because my homies on the neighborhood so when i met miss tishina of course like it was like of course like that but tisha campbell like

Martin is everything and not just that like I'm talking about her on like um the the Spike Lee joint it's escaping me school days you know and even her how she got my wife and kids I don't want to be alone tonight her Jasmine Gay uh Jasmine Guy but that's my thing like even how she got to be on my wife and kids they were not trying to give her a spot she like stormed her way onto that set and was like I want an audition so just her resilience and I don't know that yeah they did not want to give her my wife and kids and even now her what is her weight has fluctuated and she's been like ostracized for that like i'm that's what i mean by when she was josie on a different world so i'm not just talking about martin like miss tisha has done so much for me

in my career and to see a woman be unapologetically unapologetically herself like i've only seen lucille ball be physical on tv until her um so i was like crying and i was like miss tisha you don't know what you mean to me now i was like you can look at my phone right now i was like i just watched your lifetime documentary about your life and what you've been through I was like I love you and so then she was just like

sis she was like what's your name and I was like ex and she started crying and I was just like she might have something in her eye okay

that might have been she might have been coming down from Bali okay fuck both of you I'm so with you thank you Andrew the only person

it's so evil while I'm telling this heartfelt story these two assholes I think it's something Sidney put in my twigs it should be called official assholes

unofficial dukes I like that that's got a ring to it yeah and so then she was just like I was like I'm an actor she was like I will tell you this what you have to do is you can't stop you cannot stop like you have to keep going I was like I will

and like her friend was there it was this gay guy and he literally took I had cookie shots as I was talking to her I'm like shaking he was like baby give me these he walked around he was like who want a cookie shot and he like started doing my job for me like I totally could have gotten fired like they literally brief you before like you do not talk to the talent but i didn't care it was worth it and also like i was only home for like um like a week or

two because every time i went home from new york i made sure i worked um so okay work i was like i was like i'm about to if you fire me i'm about to go back home to new york next week so whatever but yeah it was like those moments and like that have like given me like the courage to continue like Sydney knows I've moved over 22 times like 22 times yeah

because I don't come for money I don't have money I came here on vacation and just stayed there really wasn't a plan nobody has 10 racks just sitting somewhere

with bomb ass credit to get me to get an apartment out here bomb ass credit that's on top of that it's very hard I gotta have money and credit

yeah I gotta have bomb ass pussy money and credit yeah I ain't got that and your front lace better be blended if the pussy is bombed the credit can be trashed

someone will give you some money we're crazy because that did not happen in my early 20s well I mean you know you live and you learn

wow I hope one of you listeners or all of you listeners y'all need to at Tisha Campbell on X profile

you get get on her Instagram at Tisha Campbell and be like hey this girl she's the one maybe y'all will

have a project together that would be my dream I I absolutely I would love that for her Or Marlon Wayans

Any of them And it's just And I will say this Before we have to go I hate to be like that But Don't be like that Take your time

No there was this one thing That somebody The reason why I moved Stayed in New York Was when I went on To see Motown the musical I was still In my mind

Gonna go back home to LA Cause I was like I'm here on vacation We're here to work Fashion week and we're out Cause at the time I was doing makeup I had still quit acting

I went into makeup You had so many jobs Girl Jack of all trades You on the run witness protects an ex well the thing is it makes you a better producer

because now no one can play me because I've done production design I've done camera work I've done DP and I was a key grip I wrapped cables for a year so you can't fuck with me

or play me when you tell me how long it takes to set up a shot like you can't tell me how long it takes to do Sydney's makeup on set like no she should have been

out here 30 minutes ago like it's just a natural like do you want me to go do it you know so do you want me to go do it actually I do because the woman

is actually fucking my face up so yeah ex come on yeah so it's just like so i think it's great to like i'm not a master at those things but because i think that helps to make a good producer no one can play you no one can be like well maria takes an hour to set up this shot so we got it's like well that's productive okay well fine i guess i guess you're right because you're the camera person and i trust you but it's like no bitch it takes 15 i can't wait to watch you're behind the music you're you're you're giving it to us right now man no this is truly phenomenal oh thank you so much but okay so the last thing i'll say

sorry i got sidetracked so the man told me he was the director for motown the musical and i was like so overwhelmed with inspiration and as i was watching i was like oh i'm on the wrong side of the stage i have put down performing for three years because like somebody told me i was fat i thought that i wasn't good enough like we now have verbiage to say afro latina but back in like 2007 it was like you're black and you're mexican i don't know um yeah and so the the the director he comes up to me does not know me and we're on the stage and I'm meeting the cast and stuff and he was like you live with fear and he just like points me out and I was just like excuse me he was like yeah he was like what's your name and I was like x and so my friend Larry like gives us

like a proper introduction he says you have a responsibility to live your dream and you have to do it now so I would just encourage anyone that's listening like there is a level of importance and urgency when it comes to your purpose like you have to have yes it's important but it's also very urgent for you to live your truth and do what it is that you have to do and that night is when I told my mom I'm not moving back to LA like I'm staying in New York and I think it's those moments that I've had in life that has gotten me to where I've gotten a day to deal with like not having like I cried when I bought my winter boots this year because for like three years I had to wear tennis shoes and line them with heat warmers because I could not afford winter boots

well you got them all right now yeah these are my first pair winter boots I've ever bought myself Oh, my God. They're cute. Y'all go on and put your Venmo down so they can hit you. I mean, she working now, so she got money. She got extra money. Remember that extra money from when she had no vices? That's the money.

That's the boot money. Don't do that. Go on, put your Venmo down, sis. It's back order. Yes, yes, yes. X-Mile-1 is my Venmo, but my Instagram is $80 in a suitcase. It's $80 in a suitcase. that's what I had

when I moved here so that's like a part of my story my testimony and it's been truly a pleasure to be here with you that should be

your production name your production company it is it is okay my bad I know no that was great but that's confirmation

for you to say that that feels very affirming to me okay and before we leave I know we talked about your life story towards the end but I just want like

five things that people should go into the TSA or like when they're at the airport to make it better make the experience better for them

How do you TSA properly? Yeah. Okay. Be early, Marie. We already failed. We're done. And just like that, I'm out. Me too.

Me too. Just because like if you're there early, you're not rushing in there for your listening. You're paying attention. So when I say take your laptops out and stuff like that, like that's one thing. Do not put weed in your vagina. Definitely not in no canister. Yeah, I would say the third thing I was just like, just be empathetic. Like, you don't know what this TSO has experienced, what they saw or anything like that.

And being nice, like people being nice to me. There was a whole group of bachelorette women that were going and had all these bottles of Ciroc. And they were like, we really want to go and have a good time. Like, do we have to throw it out? I was like, each one of you open it, drink some right now. Because then I know it's not a bomb. And they did it and I let them go. How big was the Ciroc?

Like the full size? No, it was like on some liquor store. Like this shit was huge. Girl, I would say you would lose your job, but you already lost it. You already lost it. I would say, yeah, that's the third thing. I would say the fourth thing is I would just say take out your headphones because a lot of people really are not listening. And, like, you could have, like, went to another line that was, like, shorter and, like, you are not, like, paying attention because, like, you have your headphones.

I would say the fifth thing is, like, whatever the TSO says, just do it. Like, I think people try to, like, have, like, a negotiation session and shit. and it's just like no like what they say is bible like just do it and i i think if you do those five things if you're like early if you take out your headphones if you don't put weed in your coochie if you are empathetic and you um take your headphones out and pay attention i think you'll be great why are they always checking my hair well not no more but why were they always checking my hair since you'd be surprised the shit that we girl what would we find and stuff like that like Like it's people like I'm telling you, like a detonator is so easy to hide.

It's so easy to hide. And like that is illegal. That is like it has to go. So I think, too, I think a lot of my friends that are non-binary, they have have issues or like if they're studs, they've had issues going in because whatever this new machine is, they like ask them their sex. And I was like, I don't see why that's important. I have no new information on that. but just to anybody who has experienced that

I'm sorry that you have to go through that thank you well I'm so happy that you were able to take us through all of that today that was honestly

very like uplifting kind of in a way informative uplifting and hilarious also shady cause Sydney

I was just about to go there all types of mess she out here spraying her goddamn wellness center okay you can't fucking twist

it's rose water we don't wanna inhale that stuff sis it doesn't matter what it is bitch it's black goop over here but i digress uh-huh what are your goals like what like if you what after all of this everything that you said and everything that you everyone that you've spoken to what like what is your goal goal in in life for myself and career and however

however you interpret that question oh uh i think uh what sydney said i think that's why you heard me like a man in uh earlier just because i think being more intentional i think that um i've done a lot of community building within the past two years which has been great and it's been purposeful but because of that like to my own detriment like I'm kind of loyal to a fault and like making sure my community is built up and has the resources they need to exceed in entertainment because I'm so focused on that and so loyal to that my own personal projects have taken a back seat and so I've missed even deadlines for pilots there have been major production companies that were like we need to do this thing but I'm like I have potato salad like I'm so I think I um put so much energy

into that so for next year I think people like Issa Rae and Beyonce I think have shown us that you can be at the center of a thing and still uplift your community and still be selfless with your resources so I want to be more intentional about what I'm doing I have an idea for a new thing that I'm writing and I think just unplugging my my health took a hit this year um a big hit and um and my finances as well just because i don't know like that's the thing but that's why i share um all the stuff that like i've been through just because you know i don't have a mom to ask about entrepreneurial shit she doesn't know about fiscal year and taxes right she doesn't you know and then you hire your reps and you want to trust them but you don't know them they don't know you know and

so it's just you're learning as you go so i've just i for the new year too i think maria i want to be kinder to myself because i made a lot of mistakes this year as far as business wise because I just didn't know. Since I know. You don't know. You could talk to me, too. Yeah. I would love to talk to you, too.

And thank you guys so much. And just shout out to y'all for the amazing work that you guys do and continue to do. Woo! Thank you, friend. Everybody, follow you. Thank you for inspiring us. Yeah. And inspiring everybody that's listening.

Yeah. I mean, you inspire just by continuously working and grinding and seeing, like, a nigga like you up there is like, yes. A nigga like me. That's the next shirt. That's the name of my production company. A nigga like me. A nigga like me.

Okay. With all white people working for you. Right. Right. Right. Where do you work? We have to go. Yeah, we gotta get out.

Thank you so much. Rate, comment, subscribe. Happy New Year to all y'all hoes. Shout out to the people at the TSA that do their job and let you kind of slide through sometimes. Yeah, shout out to X for giving us all the gems that we needed. Shout out to that prostitute that went all the way to New Orleans with all her things.

She was in Queen and Slim. Was she? No. Oh, I was like, what? Wouldn't that have been great? That would have been amazing. Anyway, bye guys. Bye.

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