MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Weed Expert" with Dewayne Perkins

Episode Date: December 7, 2018

Roll your best joint for this weeks Unofficial Expert with our weed expert, Dewayne Perkins! Dewayne reveals how weed played a role in fracturing his foot, what the best weed to have during sex is, and his favorite things to talk about while high, including a list of reasons why Jesus is gay in his book. Also, Marie considers reaching out to past lovers while Sydnee reminisces laughing at someone falling down the subway stairs.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever hey oh my goodness and we're back yeah what's up what's up we here how you doing oh you know what is it what's today who knows um you know making it yeah just like you know scrambled eggs that's how i feel right now scrambled it with cheese like a light scramble you know what cheese would make it better but that's not how you feel that's not how i feel i like my scrambled eggs a little bit burnt like a little bit like it like not scramble so hard but like a little bit burnt on the bottom that's how old people make eggs that's how old people make eggs like that oh i can't make mine like that i just like when they're done like that okay okay that's how my mom makes them yo my my great aunt used to like basically burn them i don't like runny eggs

dude i love runny eggs that's not my ministry i love it it's so yummy it's like a sauce that's nasty yolk is a sauce ew delicious that's salmonella i know or is that chicken you can get salmonella from eggs as well exactly see look at us teaching teaching the fans and followers about i'm not here for like an eggs benedict or any of that like i love that too like a poached egg a soft boiled egg oh my god just sounds like

porn right now porn yeah yuck anyway so happy to be here you know just doing what we do

we're having a good week I mean we're having the podcast is having a good week yes yes yes us individually our week's been they've been kind of trash

how you doing Marie I'm okay I needed to sip some water yeah I was like you're giving me real Maya Angelou today. Oh, I rise. Langston Hughes.

I feel like you should give me a poem real quick. Okay, I'll give you a poem. How about this? I'll give you my expertise for the week, okay? So this week, I was an expert

at checking myself, okay? I had to check myself before I wrecked a home, sis. This guy that I used to, I don't want to say date Cause like, it was one of these situations where he liked me more than I liked him. And we know all of them.

Thank you so much. Uh, but he, he was annoying, right? Like he was like, not a fun person to be around. So that's all of them.

Thank you so much. But, uh, how do I say this in like the most Christian way? So we never slept together, but like, let's just say his face made a very comfortable chair. Right.

Wow. So thank you so much. And so like top, is this a TBT? tbt a tb what a tbt like yeah this is old i was in college right oh wow thank you so much see when the pocket's doing well niggas from the woodwork start coming out just crawling under underneath rocks and whatnot no listen sis he's not the one that's crawling let me tell you what happened so he posted on facebook a picture of him and this woman at a baby shower and he was like we're

having a girl and i was like should i message him privately to say congratulations like i just started thinking about college and i was like why did i never bang him but i was like he's having a baby let me check myself i just said congratulations on facebook and i left it like i'm not you know what i mean i remember him being annoying i think that's why i didn't have sex with him good for you thank you so much i'm glad that you didn't become a homewrecker because it's the end of the year and this is like family time this is not the summertime is when you when you wreck home when just in case somebody get thrown out you know it's like hot outside you could sleep under a bridge yeah yeah yeah this is a real bad time to get kicked out you know it's like 49 degrees

outside i was i mean and they looked happy or whatever also i remember him like he had just started growing his his dreads out and i was like when when guys first start to grow their dreads out they look like trash yeah but you know it's like a good shoulder length now i was like wow of look he looks like he's feeling out his body looks great so stupid he's driving an ambulance now oh my god and you need that you need a little ride that's his minivan i mean anyway so that was what i was an expert at this week it's just like all right well let me not good for you why would i send him a private message let me yeah because that starts up shit that you honestly you're not even trying to do anyway no yeah i'm not i just want to sit down yeah wow thank you might sit

down and get pregnant though so no no what sis did you did you hear what i said yes face was the chair not his dick sis so yeah but sometimes you've never been like yo i'm just coming over to get eaten out and then all of a sudden you're like why is it in my ass um no literally with this man anytime i went over there it was just to sit down yeah yeah but you older now so right but if i was as a child like nah as an adult i feel like my core is strong anyway sydney what were you an expert in this week besides getting dick in your butt um that's the opposite of what i'm getting um what am i expert in uh going with my gut instinct boom uh i was this happened actually yesterday i was going to an audition and i was in time square and i saw this

woman with this double wide stroller and i fucking hate double you can't they're disrespectful it's like you know nobody cares about you and your two kids leave one baby at home yeah or get one of them like little knapsacks put your put the other baby in a fucking backpack like why do a front baby be on in a back baby yes or or the the stroller that has like like that's stacked that's stacked they're horizontal like don't do the wide shit or it's two babies put them in the same little compartment or literally like have one walking and then put the other one down the stair yeah like you know when you're carrying something and you like push a box with your foot you slide it that yes exactly or like steal a supermarket like basket and just put each baby

there's so many options you got double wide is like you're so privileged that you think that you're not gonna take up the whole stairwell have you ever seen those double wide strollers on the train oh they take up both doors i see them in the street i see them in the stairs i'm just like how could you and then they'll have the nerve to be on the bus it's like first of all you're taking a bus why do you have two kids like why you obviously don't have enough money right for these two children because you ain't got no car let me calm down anyway so i see this woman she's latina i said she's got like mad bags i just felt bad i was like fuck i want to help her and so i stopped and i'm like all right i'm about let me just let me dip a little bit let me just

work my back out because i'm about i was like yo i'm gonna help her like fuck it but then some other dude come swoosh i said oh see my god is on time he knew that i couldn't do it so she takes the kids out because she just really needs help with the stroller tell me why this man is trying to take the show he falls down the fucking stairs with the stroller everything is tumbling see that's why you can't help people i was so late for the audition because i was like oh i gotta see how this pans out the dude just went all the way down the stairs with this wait this is at the time square train station this is time square dude and you know them stairs is long yeah it's like just when you think the staircase ended it's another one it's a landing and then more stairs

yes oh everybody everybody was wailing screaming like by everybody you mean you oh no it wasn't just me you and the babies it was the old people young people handicapped people everybody was crying and so the woman starts cursing him out at the end she's like i just got that show i'm like bitch he tried to that could be you at the bottom with the babies inside wait so sydney you were gearing up to help carry the stroller down the stairs yes you who ain't got no upper body strength Yes, I felt so. She had mad bags. Mad bags.

You're not allowed to go shopping if you got two babies with you. You know how signs in stores say no shirt, no shoes, no service? It should also say no babies. Yeah. So, like, the guy tries to get up, and, like, some dude came over to help him. They both fall back down. I'm like, dude, this is a mess. The bags are everywhere.

The stroller is a mess. The stroller was possessed. A wheel came off. It was so much that I was like, oh, I'm here now. I live here now but now let's get back to this audition did you book it

who knows but like I was in a good mood after that I was like you gotta see people fall down the stairs to just reevaluate your life you're like

it could be worse you could be at the bottom of the stairs with some lady stroller that you didn't bang right like I hope she showed him like a titty

after no she yelled at him she yelled at him he should have thrown the stroller back up the stairs and made her carry it back down he should have but he couldn't

he looked hurt he was so mad Cause he's like, I should have been the bum nigga that I was going to be that I am, that I am. But I, he, him trying to be a good Samaritan as I was, as I was about to, yo, soon as I put my foot down to almost like tapper, he came out of nowhere. I said, oh my God, this is, oh my God, this was meant for me not to do this. Listen, how much you want to bet?

He asked her for her phone number when he got it. He was like, listen, I got to shoot my shot. These your kids or your sister's kids? I think he probably was like, so who do I hit up your insurance? Because he looked hurt. He looked like he needed some assistance. That lady didn't have no damn insurance. What would a bag?

It was like one Zara bag, 12 H&M bags. Oh, my God. It was an Oshkosh Bagash bag. There was a pretty girl. There was a rainbow. There was a rainbow bag. A 10 spot Jimmy Jazz. Yeah, there was an old Gucci bag that was like gifted to her that she still uses for stuff now.

There was a Victoria's Secret bag that was like a little ripped on the side. Yeah, of course. A Forever 21 bag. You know it was a diff, like a big Forever 21 bag. Yeah, that had Tupperware in it. A Macy's big brown bag. Whatever. Anyway, speaking of big brown bags.

Yes. I'm super excited about the episode today. Our guest is a writer. He's a comedian. He is a philanthropist. He's a lover and a friend. Not a lover of mine, but a friend. And you guys are going to love him.

he is our did we decide what it was weed he's our weed expert today duane perkins hello hi oh my god how do you feel about what we talked about today it was really funny um i also think sometimes you shouldn't do good deed because you have to leave room for other people to to do good deeds so that's like a supportive role in the circle of life you're giving the layup for somebody else yes this is like a yes and like yes and improv that you put a brick they put a brick in the world now has a house but not but like not in new york though when do you meet people who are really looking out for other not that much like not that many like there's not that many people especially in the train station yeah i mean i was waiting to get out of the train station once and

all these people were standing around and i'm i'm impatient i don't do lines i went around to see what the problem was it was a woman with a stroller trying to go up the stairs and there were a bunch of men behind her just waiting for her to go and i had to walk around them and help carry this raggedy ass baby up the stairs oh my god and the whole time i'm walking up i'm yelling at the men behind me because i'm like y'all this is what y'all are here for yeah but here's a take if that never happened you would never be telling this story so i mean i would have been I went around the lady and her baby And I made it to my thing on time

Nah those men were trash ass niggas For sure Oh my god I'm so glad that you didn't DM that guy Oh yes You could have ruined a life A happy home before the baby was born

Cause you know he would slide out for you For a little bit Cause he never got a taste Curiosity killed that cat by cat i mean pussy see what i did there right a wordsmith duane let's talk about uh let's talk about weed okay would you what when did you start smoking weed hold on hold on the the listeners don't know what's going on with this man's foot right but i would but the the foot is connected to the weed is it oh i don't know the story i don't know the back i don't know the backstory

okay uh when i started smoking weed when i was working in chicago at an improv theater full of white people and my friend was like yo you should smoke weed because you anxious all the time because you're around a lot of white people and uh and i was like okay so i tried it and i was like oh this isn't for me and then i had a panic attack and went to the hospital and i was because of the weed no just because like i think a black man got like shot by the cops that week and i was like oh my god it's so hard to be black and uh and i went to the hospital and they were like yeah you just have unchecked panic attacks and the doctor was like do you smoke weed and i was like you a cop he was like uh no but like i would recommend it and i was like i guess i'll try it again

the doctor recommended weed yes like once all the doctors like went out no he was like a middle eastern person that's strange he knows that you ain't got insurance because we'd be like just take like anxiety pills yeah he was just like you smoke and i was like okay uh did he sell you weed at the hospital no i wish he's like i know a guy no but then uh i just i started smoking it but now i smoke weed specifically for like different things like i have different strands for different things uh like right now i'm on like a sativa because i have to be like creative and talk to people uh but last night i was uh i smoked an indica like a indica dominant like the most dominant so i can just go to sleep because you know i have a boot on my foot well let's talk

about this boot okay so I don't live here no more in New York uh so I came back to visit and I went to my friend's house who lives in Greenpoint uh I don't know his house like that is it wait is the house spacious yeah it's like it's real long but like narrow okay like a railroad like so like a long home yeah it is like a long home it's like a foyer he's got a foyer as a as a place is it like A railroad style house So you have to walk through You guys are saying A bunch of things

I do not know You gotta walk through All the rooms To get to the next room Yes Uh huh So like last night When I came home really late

I couldn't go into the living room Because I would have to Walk through his bedroom To get to the living room Right Right I would feel like The bedroom would be at the end

I gotta walk through the bedroom To get to the living room It's in the middle Listen to him Yeah that's But a railroad is supposed to You're supposed to walk Past the rooms first

And then A living room Why also how you know that you making this up no I've been to many real apartment

he could have set it up so that his room was the living room and then just made the living room the bedroom he could have because he picked

the rooms no when he moved in no because the living room has a door to the outside this sounds complicated this is why we don't

live in Greenpoint this is why I shouldn't have gotten really high in the middle of the night and I was like yo this nigga gotta have snacks so I was just searching through his house for

snacks and ran into a wall and it fractured my ring pinky my ring toe on my left foot you got a ring toe yeah you know that like the toe that's next to the pinky toe not the big toe and the pinky toe but the ring toe but you don't have a real ring on it

though I wish that sounds cunt I like that I would unfollow you immediately if you had a ring toe I feel like that would be such a statement it's so tacky it goes along with French manicures it goes hand in hand i feel like i feel like a ringtone goes with an anklet sis oh and i wear and you wear a charm a charmed anklet are you a child or a dying spirit

or are you jessica biel it's just it's just my feet are really wide and long and i'm like oh i feel like a little anklet would make my foot look daintier no that's what it is the juxtaposition just makes your foot look bigger no no bitch it really makes my ankles look cute shut up also i feel like ring toe like toe rings usually go on like the second toe yes they do the longer one right yeah my second toe is not long it is my toes are perfectly diagonal sure my toes do that too yeah what's the saying like what isn't there something like if your second toe is big longer than your big toe what is the thing that people say you have i was going to say something terrible say it everything's terrible i was gonna say cancer but like oh my god so wait that is terrible

i said it was going to be terrible if your second no it's something it's like if your second toe is longer than your big toe then i don't know so when i was in elementary school they said if you had hair on your knuckles that mean you jacked off a lot that's i did hear that definitely never heard death yes the devil's right there i don't really have hairy knuckles so wait so i'm proud of you that you were looking for snacks and and until it fractured your foot yeah and then the next day i just stayed at home well i i limped i was like oh it's fine i'll just go to sleep i hit my toe and then in the morning it didn't hurt as much because i wasn't moving and then i decided to go to a taco bell kfc that was like oh i love those combos oh my god nobody loves nobody needs that because

Sometimes the chicken that they use for freaking Taco Bell is the KFC chicken. Get out. That's nasty. It'd be filleted. You're getting the best of both worlds. It'd be filleted. That is cross-culture. I love that.

Sometimes, sometimes when Taco Bell runs out of grease, they use KFC grease. I mean, I would love a chicken but that tastes like a breast. No. Yo, so. You never had barbecue sauce on your fucking tacos, bitch? I don't eat Taco Bell anymore. I'm not in high school. Oh.

oh do you hear it like the elitist out of like respectability i mean y'all are eating chihuahua on like bread like that's what you're eating you don't know remember what happened to that dog it died because dogs don't live long no the aspca was like i don't like what you guys are doing sam mclachlan said i used to work for them in college no you did not the aspca and i got fired after two days talk about it why what happened they saw you kick a cat no uh you know so when you're like a canvasser i was a canvasser for the aspca and you're like hey do you have a minute to talk about and people are like shut up yeah so in chicago which is very segregated where i'm from uh they put me in like a very rich suburb and the cops got called on me multiple times uh so i made

no money and then the next day i got put oh you can make money at the aspca i thought that was like pro bono work oh no like that's like you have to get people to donate money to you and they had a rule that if after two days you didn't raise a hundred dollars you got fired i feel like everybody who does that job must get fired because i've never seen anybody stop and give money to those people here i've never wanted to give money to no you will be surprised how many white women can get money from anyone that's what it was it was me and a bunch of white women and then i got fired from a guy who tried to convince me to join

Scientology when I was in New York. What a story. He was the boss. So he was here also? He was the boss. That's full circle. I'm glad you're doing better now. Thank you. Did you consider joining Scientology? I did. I was like, what y'all got to offer? What's the pros and cons? You gotta have money though. I hear they gotta get money.

You don't have to have money. If you want to do Scientology right, you have to have coins. How you do it right? It's wrong. Either way. However you slice it up. Well, I was told if you go to the like celebrity center yes and west hollywood yes that they have a really good brunch and it's free shut up no truly and it's free and tasty we should go to the brunch because that's how they're trying to get you though no like and you know we like free food so that's how they're like oh but i

just feel like if you have free food then you're not gonna get the right type of people anyway right scientality is not out here trying to recruit niggas who likes free food which is why you can go get the free food and they would be like goddamn these niggas again tom cruise didn't join Scientology because he was hungry and needed an eggs benedict like so next time we're in LA we should go to the Scientology Celebrity Center to get free food I'm scared

though because what if like what if you're weak and you're like damn maybe I should like Sydney I feel like you're talking about you sis because I'm strong and I'm not I was truly like if you are weak then you are meant to be in it you deserve Scientology how dare you let them do that to you oh I don't like this ganging up thing

what if you're weak sis ain't nobody at the table weak I mean only one of us does wear an anklet though so that probably would be the weakest link I mean the only thing I'm weak about is a good brunch how dare you let's find out what the menu is is it a crunchy

brunch I hear it is just a buffet of delectables well I don't like a buffet brunch I don't like a buffet brunch I think it's sometimes people put their hands in stuff and it just doesn't feel right

it's unsanitary I saw a video I saw a video on Instagram of this guy at a buffet and you know how they have like the spoons in the soup he was sipping it right out the front and then putting it back in the thing and if you're high I feel like that's a stunt you would pull

let's talk about it I mean I was at a Red Lobster I've seen high people do some reckless shit that it's like come on dude you gonna put your whole hand yes but is it hot like weed high or is it something else high yeah cause I mean like cause people who do meth Yeah, I think it's like a different level.

If you're doing meth or heroin, you're not hungry. You're doing nothing with food. Really? I've never done that. Yeah, that's not really. I'm telling y'all. Sydney, what's your, you got a heroin story for us, sis? No.

You want to talk about it? Trust me. I wasn't, I mean, you're not going to be hungry. We don't eat, I mean, they don't eat. No, but I've been, I've had like weed cake before and I've eaten too much of the cake. and I'm just like taking slices at first and then I was like

you know what let me just put my hand in this like you know you know like the little crumbs that come at the bottom like from after you gotta squeeze them together

and you can't do that when you're high cause you'll just go you'll keep slicing just to get those crumbs it's the dumb shit that you do honestly the crumbs

that are at the bottom of the cake or the fries that are at the bottom of the bag do we even know what's better yeah it's at the bottom

of the bag the bottom of the bag the fries yeah yeah yeah okay so you write a lot and you're very creative like how do you do you like you were going to work zooty right every day well writing in late night it's just the saddest shit talk about it and um this is not gonna be a good opinion but i do feel like late night as a genre is just a bunch of privileged people speaking of things that don't truly affect them

but being a black homosexual man uh from impoverished south side of chicago right everything was a personal bullet to my soul right and i was like niggas giants children in cages whole shit so uh but you were like let me make this funny though i was like oh trauma but funny yeah and um in order for me to like get past the first layer of jokes would just be like fuck these people uh i truly had to be high and i think everybody in that space was like yeah you create the best work from this place so like we don't care just go write the goddamn jokes and i was like thank you for allowing me to thrive in the way that i know best what kind of weed were you smoking to get through work it was purely a sativa just because i needed my brain to like

move quickly now for the people who don't smoke or don't know can you tell us what the difference between indica and sativa okay yes so on the spectrum from sativa to indica sativa is the most head high it's uh gets the like creative juices flowing it makes you think more okay whereas indica is the downer it's the one that like puts you in the couch and one where you don't want to move like your body feels heavy yeah i smoked that once i was like i'm gonna go to trader joe's and i was like let me get high first and i got up and put my coat on and i was like i'm not gonna be able to it's impossible you're like no move is not gonna happen on the ground but how do you know like you have to ask the dealer specifically hey can i get a sativa

because i feel like when i was smoking weed it was just whatever i still don't know what it was like a chicken pot pie of weed like different types like the ends and shit you're like is that a bud like what's going on i have to say to be able to uh smoke weed in this fashion is a privilege because you have to either be able to go to a dispensary or have a weed connect that's that advanced like here I have a delivery service that has a menu that's like

a menu they gentrify drug dealing now this is ridiculous I'm appalled a menu that has like graphics it's really nice I mean I wish I could leave a yelp but it's illegal they have a menu

and they send it to you and it has like truly like the the milligrams what kind it is like what it will have you feeling it is what it pairs with and like what goes well with like your your sign is there's like a specific weed yeah like oh they should do that i would love a scorpio weed scorpion oh i feel like that's like a new business right there i mean i don't have the knowledge but Somebody. Also, we got to grow the weed.

You know, we can just do what white people do. Hire a bunch of people and then we just be the faces of it. I don't know. No. We can't be the faces of anything. Whoopi Goldberg has a weed line. What? Whoopi Goldberg looks like she has a weed line.

What's her weed line called? It's like, I forget, but it's like very fancy. It's called Fuzzy Dreads. It's like weed, like bath bombs and like. Oh, so topical stuff. Mm-hmm. Go ahead, Miss. I was going to say Winfrey, but that's not her last name.

What's her last name? Go ahead, Miss Goldberg. Okay. Whoopi Goldberg. All right. Well, my friend who lives in Rhode Island, she grows, like, for real, for real weed. And she has, like, a whole room for it. Why have I never met this friend?

All the years that we've been friends and I've never... Why don't you introduce me to your friend, Sissy? Well, I just reconnected with her. And when I... First of all, her place is beautiful, gorgeous. And I was like, how do y'all afford this? And then I saw this room. Okay, cool, cool, cool.

And so I was like, can I take a picture of this? she's like no i'm surprised you asked i was like you'll be sneaking photos of people regularly well i asked because i wouldn't want her to go off on me if i did yeah it was so beautiful the way it was set up she's like if i lived in la this wouldn't be an issue but i'm in the drug game is that strong in rhode island that the apartment is cute the house is cute oh it was there to do that it was it was stunning and the the smell of it it was like it was a different type of weed it was like weed that comes from a two-parent home like a weed that went to private school we that didn't get free lunch yeah yeah yeah it's just really really good stuff um

and you didn't like break a branch off or i should grab a leaf i wasn't even you know just like what you could just pinch it with your two fingers i didn't even think about that because that would make me a thief you were such a good person you steal i win you've never stolen anything i've stolen before but like not as of late okay all right so okay well you know we call that a breakthrough i know growth not as great not as a sober person but i feel like if you're high on weed or constantly i only ever stole sober i stole from old navy one time i just like put on multiple pairs of pants and just walked out so they were all different sizes then no because the one like they were just very very tight the ones on the outside had to be bigger than the

ones on the inside yeah i like wore like small tiny pants and then i put on some jeans and i was like oh i'm gonna put some like yeah some cargoes yeah my friends my friends used to do that at bloomingdales they would go in there and they would layer up but how do you take the security tag yeah because bloomingdales is i feel like that's a real no no no but throwback um bloomingdales they didn't have like security tags like that and old navy was like oh maybe it was like We want you to take this. Please take this fleece too. Take this fleece.

People were bringing things back to Old Navy. Yes. I saw a video on Instagram yesterday. So you know this is where I get all of my learning done. If you wrap a condom around those security sensors, they'll pop off. I was watching these videos of people that were showing them the things that like have the ink in them. And somebody commented, oh, I work in retail and now I understand what all these condoms in the fitting room are. I thought people were just having sex.

Oh, my God. Me, too. That doesn't make it better. I've never seen. Oh, so they're just stealing. Oh, that's it? Have you ever had dressing room sex? Okay, I thought they were savage.

Have you ever had dressing room sex? Never. No. Dwayne? Yeah. Where? Where the fuck was I? That's when I was still begging girls, and it was easier.

You were begging? Dwayne, I can't get it. Dwayne, I don't believe that you've dated Dwayne Dwayne. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I don't know if the listeners can hear the gay but Dwayne is a homosexual Dwayne is a

professional he's got a nose ring I'm wearing a fur hoodie he's wearing a fur hoodie but wait he's got sweatpants on but it's a light gray sweatpants it is tapered but you're giving me like

hood gay nigga I love it thank you so much I would say that's the one thing I miss about having sex with girls is how convenient and it was Dwayne how long were you banging women cause I don't know

let's talk about it years were you banging women while wearing like an anklet no cause in my mind that's how you do it

how long were you hooking up with girls dude I had girlfriends up till I was 17 and you started dating women when when I was well I had my first kiss

in third grade it was so cute oh you was fast yeah and then I remember the first time I got jerked off was in the back of a bus

I think I was in fourth grade it's children y'all I know I know I went I grew up in the hood Chicago yo

That is People were fucking In school closets People were having Sex in school closets Can y'all That's why R. Kelly Can't read

He's from Chicago And he was banging People I mean it's a party I mean it's a problem Truly Yikes I started having

No but I started Do you need a hug Dwayne Where on the school bus Were you sitting When you got tripped up The back The last seat baby The back

You always gotta do the back I feel like in Chicago They do it in the front No Like the third one back With the seatbelt we have no couth uh yeah and then i i got like a serious girlfriend for like a couple years in high school and i lost my virginity with her and that's who i was just like having sex with all over the

place did you like it i mean yeah i mean it felt good there was just like no emotional attachment but i feel like that's most men okay like when so are you even really gay yeah i've been thinking about it recently because oh my god this is a gay intervention it's like we don't really feel like you're gay i'm like can i re-come out as something else can you just be like psych i'm like maybe so we pulled up your files and it seems like you've been liking sex with women i mean i enjoyed like physical touch is a thing that feels good no matter what but whenever i would do it i'd be like oh i wish you'd had a dick like i would just you would think that yeah i would be like oh i wish you were like someone else but like i wish your hands had more calluses yeah but like a

penis inside something warm will still feel good no matter what because you guys are animals yeah it's just the thoughts like what you have to think of to get there where i would be like you were in her room and you're like wow i wish you just didn't have any uh pillowcases on your he was in her room like can we just do this in your brother's room there's a lot of posters in here um what kind of weed is uh good to have sex on beautiful oh my god i had high sex a couple days ago and it was true you whore holy shit like i've had a different experience it's great it is i would recommend it but what weed do you recommend for high sex a hybrid like a sativa indica hybrid so like you're going up and down at the same time

so like because the thing is like the sex was like where the like sativa part was in so i was like i can feel my penis touching your inside so it felt like it's like a different thing is this when you were straight no this was like three days ago three days ago i can feel my penis touching your inside you're on the fence so you a top yeah wow i'm asking real questions oh my god the listeners want to i mean the listeners know because they heard also yeah yeah uh but then like once it was over like we could not move so we just like had to go to sleep in the filth which was like kind of gross but also like we're in this together but that's also like not even a weed thing that's just like if you're having good sex you're just gonna lay there yeah but that added

you're like oh i'm gonna get up and clean up you're like oh man i feel ashamed you're supposed to pee right after you have sex or else you're gonna get um like a yeast infection oh that's one of those heterosexual problems yeah i don't know about that never had to do that right right right so sorry for you okay so what what's kind of weed that you like if you want to if you just want to hang out with friends and like get to another level with them it depends on the kind of person that you are that smoke weed and they have these crazy conversations i have the deepest conversations yeah what are we talking about how have we never well we smoked together last night

and it had it was like weed with like shards in it or whatever like the little orange things what's that meth i don't know no no no no no no you know like when they they like roll it in like the like the weed dust oh keef keef and you're like a higher thing it's the little dust

on the bottom oh my god this is what I would recommend if you really want to do get high so you roll a blunt okay cover it in weed

infused honey and then you sprinkle it with keef and it where does one get weed infused honey from this menu place that I order from

they have olive oil honey it sounds expensive though it's not how much give us the price range like a small jar of honey

would probably be like $30 weed in a jar $30 it doesn't feel good I could get honey from Trader Joe's for like $8

but you can't get high putting it on your toes like it's very it's a different experience well I dip cookies in it a friend of mine a friend of mine

uses the volcano and the weed from the volcano she makes like weed butter yeah the hash like she could do anything with it

so we could literally do that at home yeah I plan on having a weed cake at my wedding like two options of being like this is a cake with weed in it

this is a non-cake I'm gonna say a weed cake is a no a weed cake is a yes for your love no but then if you have a weed cake then you can't

drink at all yeah but that's at the end of the wedding I don't drink alcohol so I'm just gonna make everybody do exactly what I do because it's my wedding

I didn't know that you didn't drink it's nasty you nasty that's the only reason you have sex in fitting rooms you gross

that's when I was 17 okay thank you very much three days ago when you got high and had sex and laid in it afterwards also who was this person

was it a piece are you single like are y'all no I'm with a person really yeah duane you seem so single in these streets i just don't like people in my business wait a minute wait duane wait they're in new york though no but you three days ago somebody want to play i wasn't here three days ago yes you were dude oh then it was four days ago i was like don't let me check yeah three years ago you were here yeah it was on my it was on

my birthday but i was i spent the first half of my birthday in chicago so the person lives in chicago yeah that's stupid that's long distance it's terrible actually maybe it's not that bad i mean long distance is perfect for me because i can go somewhere fuck a bunch then go and do my work and that's why i'm thriving okay i mean sis he's doing pretty well i don't need people like people don't even know like where i live most of the time i just hate people you're a vagabond i'm like very open he's a hobo on a train with a stick tied to his clothes you're homeless but make it fashion I don't have a job

so okay oh god this is why I smoke so much weed because I'm unemployed yeah but you gotta pay for this weed

you got $30 honeys I mean I have a savings account that you're using to buy weed no I have a lot of money in my savings account so wait

don't even try to act like you're I hate these fake unemployed people that are like oh my god that is really unemployed though you just know

how to say I'm unemployed I'm not poor I mean I'm not broke though yeah i ain't got no money to like extra money but like you gotta learn how to save your coins yeah and while you're making it like i feel like a lot of people equate weed to like alcohol where i equate weed to coffee where i'm like i smoke weed to like do stuff so i don't feel like weed is like an extra part i just like it's like a part of my day i've been like oh yeah i have to

write a thing i may hit this really quick have some juices flowing now here's a question when you wake up in the morning are you waking and baking or are you brushing your teeth and then getting high it depends on the day like i don't have like a weed schedule i it's so i'm like oh i got if i have organized with your weed huh it's loose sis it's not loose it's strategic okay uh so like if i have nothing to do i'll smoke we have to have something to do i'd be like whoa is this situation good for me to be high in most situations i've just practiced being high in those situation so you practice i mean you do drills you do drills at your house uh in chicago i was working at a really terrible uh improv theater called second city and drag them drag you have

an opportunity why were they terrible they were they were the worst kind of liberal white people they were the kind of people who would be like we want diversity come to us but you have to tell us for doing something wrong so that we can fix it okay and then the people of color would be like yo all of this is racist and they'd be like why are you so hard to work with oh and i'd be like bitch you told me to come to you so it was you have a specific situation that happened that you were like come on sydney get the t-shirt oh my god yes this was one of the worst things ever so a group of black people that were working there wanted to put together a black lives matter show okay and they said sure but only if you give half of the proceeds to the cops and we were like are

Are you fucking serious? Yeah. Yeah. Second City sound like they all the way. Oh my God. They also sent all their black actors to speech therapy at one time. No. Yup.

Drag on. Did the white people go to speech therapy? No, they did not. Because some of them can't speak that well either. I mean, none of them could. I was like, what are you saying, Jeffrey? Are they still taking people? I need a speech therapist.

I mean, I'll take that. I'll take advantage. I'll totally go there for that. no they would be like yes black lesbian woman we can use you on our pamphlet oh and you know i'll i'll do the pamphlet right i mean i was definitely on one of their pages real jc penny yes sit on a chair backwards just like cool i'm here uh but uh i was on this show and then i would try to get as high as possible and see if i can still do it and i would like really test myself and there were days where i would like get up to talk and be like oh somebody else gotta do this and then there were

days where i was like oh this is good like and i found that line so now i'm a pretty functioning no you and i feel like you becca o'neill there's a couple people who like i know smoke a lot and when i see your tweets i'm like damn i need this weed like it's so well thought out and it's just like i know your your train of thought because you're going from here to like there all all in a couple of minutes love it and you use all of the characters every last one i do i talk so much just so many all of them you don't hold back i mean chicago really ruined me as a person so i weed has found places of my personality uh that i didn't that i didn't know i had what are the worst people to get high with do you think um people that you don't trust because then you can

get very um like panicked so today before i came here i smoked and i got on the train and because i don't feel completely comfortable about a bunch around the white people there was a lot of white people on that train i instantly was like what if someone starts like i instantly was like oh who's been killing people in the news white man since the beginning and i've been like oh shit so i did get like a little bit paranoid and in those situations i just have to like take a lot of deep breaths but um yeah you just have to foresee the situation you're gonna be in and if that's a normal situation that give you anxiety you might not want to you know what works for me when i am too high or if i start to feel anxious and i'm high or i take an edible and i'm on the

train if i listen to like spanish music it relaxes me that's like in the uber that i was in yesterday I was so high but the driver was this like Latino woman and she was playing like bachata music and I was sitting in the front seat and I was like this is beautiful I couldn't even keep my eyes like they were crossed and I was on the bridge like

what a good night just like I don't know if that if that's something that maybe you want to try when you're anxious surrounded by white people on the train I'm just I'm putting it out there for you I did put on music I was listening to girl groups though like a British girl group

like s club 7 little mix oh are they british yeah i was listening to them this morning too i was listening to them this morning it's a british girl group uh little mix yeah it's like four women you know we when there was a video that we did for vidiots and it was the shout out to my ex oh yeah it's those girls that look like the brat dolls yeah yeah i was listening to them pop music has like uh like simple beats they're just like easy to cling to so my brain was like Yeah, think about this. Don't think about getting shot. Yeah, but that's why I like the bachata

because it's like one, two, three, four. I never got, I just never really got into weed like that because I just feel like I'm already off the walls and I don't need to be paranoid and I don't need to be down because I'm already a down person. So it's just like the fact that there's so many different types of weed out there now, I'm a little annoyed

because I'm like, oh, I had variety. But when I was like doing edibles and whatnot, I didn't feel like there was a lot of options I mean in the hood there really is not

and you really are just taking a chance every time he said girl you were in the ghetto of course not every time yeah

cause you don't know what you're smoking no they just trying to make some money they're like this is oregano with a little bit of sativa in it

yeah and they know people are trying to like forget that they in the hood so they like they gonna buy this shit no matter what

yeah it's true well one time we took an edible and it was for Halloween well I'm always the one that takes too much. I'm like, oh, I'll take half.

And then I'm like, I don't feel it. No, that's not even what she'll be like. Marie, should I take more? Should we do some more? And I've already like, I know that it hits you in like waves. Yeah. And so Sydney took this more of this edible. Did you take more?

Yeah, I did. We went to a party. It didn't hit us until after the party was over. Like the party was all we were like, damn, it's trash. yeah it was like two hours in we're like what this is garbage and then as soon as the lights came on we were like oh well we can't go home so we went to a deli got a bacon egg and cheese ate like devoured that when i tell you we laughed for like an hour and sat in the bodega and ate these sandwiches and like i don't they had a sitting area yes yes it was like a restaurant

it was me sydney and the bodega cat yes and then sydney was like should i get another and i got another one and she devoured that to bang that out and i was like dude i have a video of us just like cackling so hard and we're like why are we laughing we didn't even know why yeah just wearing wigs and looking it wasn't such a beautiful moment it was a it actually that's like a milestone in our friendship yeah it was hilarious i left like uh i was in la like a couple weeks ago and i have never laughed this hard in my life i was watching i got so high with my friends we like cooked we were like we're grown-ups i'm my first dinner at my apartment what did you guys cook i cooked uh i cooked mac and cheese for the first time creating a roux what kind of cheese is a roux

yeah a roux is like a cheese sauce that you make with butter and flour and cheese and seasoning then you like pour it over the noodles that's how you saw that on rachel ray because i don't know you didn't make baked macaroni and cheese though no you didn't make thanksgiving mac and cheese I'm not there yet I'm slowly teaching myself how to cook you're making it a cream base like what I mean oh my god my grandmother would roll in her grave hearing this Sydney do you make mac and cheese

I've done it before and I've realized that it's like I feel like you have to have like orthopedic socks on like you need to be an older black woman to make mac and cheese with the amount of like soul and history for it to like yeah you gotta have a

dialysis cord hanging out of your body what I made was not good It was mediocre at best I'm truly I can't cook But I'm really trying So then we got really high And we watched Black Panther

Wait all y'all made Was this macaroni and cheese Oh and chicken Like fried chicken You fried chicken How was that I didn't My friend did

How was your friend's chicken It was good Be honest She knows how to cook Better than me Yeah but we need to be honest About our friends who can't cook And then we had

We need to stop The Friendsgiving I hate it I'm like At the point Oh I don't hate a Friendsgiving I hate people saying Friendsgiving No I don't mind

Friendsgive shut up none of y'all can cook and ain't no salt here friends yeah i have a problem with friendsgiving because it's always people who there's never like a google google doc to tell you like who made what so we know that we have everything that's not true so we'll have like one thing that you're like but where the fucking sides at or we'll have like too many too many um biscuits but it's like where's the rest of the food nah that's because you went to a crappy friendsgiving sis i went to one and it was like organized by white people and the google doc came out with the invitations and it was like this what we need put your name next to what you're

bringing and if you're bringing something extra put it in the in the google doc and it was it was good it was great i don't think i ever did it friendsgiving because my family won't let me uh they're like you gotta come here yeah you don't see it because i don't see them but friendsgiving is before thanksgiving no no friendsgiving is like for people i thought who don't go home right no right and they do thanksgiving with their friends every friendsgiving i've had has always been before thanksgiving it's like you want to have thanksgiving with your friends like before you still want to celebrate with them i thought it was for the orphans that don't go you're saying that sounds like a better plan i should yeah so you could have three things yeah i'm mad i wasn't

on that yes yes i wasn't in that google doc yeah it didn't add me i mean but you didn't want that anyway it was a whole bunch of like waitresses who were like okay so we're gonna order the sweet potato pie what you're ordering sweet potato pie but then i'll have a friend who makes uh pernil so that's great i don't know what that is it's pork shoulder so delicious it's real good our friend carolina does it okay she's so good is that like a ethnic dish it's spanish it's spanish but wait don't you hate when you go to somebody's house and they cook but their house is dirty it's like i shouldn't really be eating oh my god oh i don't know i feel like we've probably done that we've done that but this person with the dirty house can really cook so yeah and this person

has lived in three dirty houses yes keep eating every house dirty home maybe that's the key to giving a little bit of cat hair a little dander a little dander on the turkey it's a little adventure when you're like oh this is fine was did you clean the chicken before you cook this it tastes disgusting yes disgustingly good duane duane what's the worst time you've been on weed like a terrible experience oh it was the first time i ever had a bong uh so my friend had like a six foot bong because she's a weed enthusiast yeah and i was like oh extra by that means she's just too much yeah yeah yeah so i uh and this was like when i first started smoking so i probably has smoked maybe 10 times just like little like one hitters right so i was like oh i'm i'm i'm

advanced so i hit it once and i was like i don't feel anything so i hit it a second time and i coughed for 12 hours you cough that means the weed is in your man i coughed for so long and then i was sitting there and you get higher that way yeah and it was fucking terrible and like i started and i kept getting higher and higher and i was like will this stop and she was like you just gotta to like ride it out and then i remember thinking that i was in a dollhouse and it was like the truman show and somebody was going to take off the roof and be like none of this is real also i convinced myself that i was mentally handicapped that i couldn't use my legs anymore so i had i like went through like the emotional journey of being like oh i can't do what i've been practicing

my whole life like i'm gonna have to change my whole life because my legs don't work so like what is my new career is going to be like what is my family gonna think when like i tell them i my legs don't work you need to call the cops on that drug dealer cause that's it was it was rough

it's just cause like at that point it's not the weed it's the bong no it's just your mind because I've never been that high so my brain was trying to rationalize how I felt that way

something about bongs just makes you higher I know it's terrible and white people love a bong they be like we're doing bong rips and you're like

okay whatever I'ma do it and then you're like oh no no I'm too high even without the coughing you're like oh no I'm way too high I was high for like till the next morning where I felt it coming out of my eyes driving.

And I was like, yo, this is crazy. And I stopped smoking for like a little bit after that. But now when I smoke, I just can now register like, okay, I gotta go to sleep now. I can't register when I'm smoking if I'm going to be too high until after I've smoked too much already. And then you're just gone. Right. But then it's just like, all right, well, this is a great Thursday. I'm having a good day.

I'm going to sleep on your couch if that's cool. Yeah, I love that. When you're like, well, this is my day now. Yeah, all right. Well, this is what we're doing today. Dwayne, if you could smoke with anybody, who would it be? Oh my God, Jesus Christ. Shut up.

Shut up. Jesus Christ, superstar? No, Jesus Christ, the magic one. Wait, why? Because I want to be like, hey, you had hella magic. Why ain't you do more? Because there's like so many parts. Okay, so I went to a Catholic college and they made me take this class called the historical Jesus.

it was about jesus as a person versus him as a religious figure so we just like talk about him being like yeah that nigga had like a bunch of friends he was very popular it's just like a picture of jesus in like jeans yeah like there's just there's just like one story about jesus in a p-coat it truly was like relatable jesus and a chelsea boot yeah and uh there was a story about him as like a little kid about how mary and uh what's joseph the nigga yeah joseph uh jesus mary mary and joseph would go to these cities and then the uh the kids would pick on jesus because jesus was like i'm the son of god and they were like shut the fuck up we don't care and then he'd kill them like he'd like he killed yeah he'd like smite them like use his jesus

powers to like make them fall dead and then the the parents in the village would be like would have to go to mary and joseph like can you tell him to bring our kids back and then they'd have to leave the city and go to like a new city i don't what chapter of the book of the bible is that it's a they don't include it because they were like this don't create the narrative that we want so where are these extra pages located i don't know some old people got them at their house what some scrolls yeah no like that bible is underneath the yellow pages that's what it is there's a bunch of books it's holding up the couch this like this new one there's different like uh editions of the bible like somebody published like they take out parts of it that

they don't think is relevant I feel like these stories sound cool though I know but they was like yo we can't let people know Jesus was out here

killing little kids that's crazy I'm the son of God don't talk shit to me Jesus Christ the reboot I mean I'm obsessed with Jesus Jesus Christ Regina George

but like as like a fun character in my head he was gay that's blasphemous but he was because his hair was long no because he

had a bunch of gay friends they ain't never had sex with no women I mean they was hanging out with a hoe though Exactly and all my friends are hoes All my friends are hoes Are they? Dwayne, Eli

Either they were a hoe or they still hoeing Okay well everybody has been a hoe That's not true Not me I'm rebranding Hoesentennial 2018 to be Hoesentennial 2019 Oh yeah because you failed at it Because I failed so bad Miserably failed at being a hoe this year

Yeah Jesus didn't get his hair wet He died on the cross Very dramatically He came back very dramatically yeah niggas gay drama oh my god

drama Dwayne you be killing it at Easter huh this nigga gay and they're like I'm sorry the fact that you're still alive saying all this shit

yeah who gonna kill me Jesus yeah no he won't cause the nigga's gay we talk all the time oh my god Dwayne

I'm gonna slap my chair a little bit I know further from you I gotta go to Hillsong after this do you think I'd be thriving if Jesus was mad at me

no cause he is my Gay nigga We are close We love each other We should put that On some shirts Jesus is my gay nigga I pray every day to him

That's merch Okay for the For the listeners Who can't say the n-word So the three of y'all That are listening Can say it I really don't think

Jesus is gay But I do think He's pansexual So he's attracted to trees To everyone To life To anyone That's somebody on cocaine

Pansexuals So Janelle Monae Is on a lot of cocaine Yes cocaine will have you like touching a bookshelf and you're like oh should i read something right now should i oh wow yes yeah but you know what sober i like a pop-up book remember those you open it and it like hits you in the face i mean it's like 3d oh my god i love a pop-up book do they still make those they do they do um because i went to my friend's uh her son just turned one

and they got him a pop-up book he was going crazy he was so cute i was like damn he's like this is the this is the new wave right here listen this is what i want so people who are listening if y'all are trying to like figure out what you want to get the unofficial expert for christmas i'm just gonna put at the top of the list a pop-up book for me yeah sydney do you have anything that you wanted to add maybe some weed honey also i'm putting that on the list for for christmas um i would like oh man that's a tough one you're gonna say something hard no no no no i like face masks i feel like face masks something that's something easy yeah you guys can do that get her some face yeah I feel like a pop-up book is

is basic sis a book basic I don't think we read do you see how thick the paint is on a pop-up book basic can I get a pop-up book that's waterproof that I can like read if I you not gonna be in the shower reading sis you don't even read on

dry land we don't believe get her the face mask Marie I'll say this on the podcast cause you can you stop saying that I don't read you gonna read in the bathtub Sydney when was the last time you read on land I brought marie can you stop that i don't like it i'm saying that i don't read i do read i just don't read in front of you okay what's the last book you read um for the listeners i read the fourth

amendment is a book yes by who i don't know okay do you recommend in my head i realized that like that was the title of a book but my first i was like we just read the fourth amendment just by itself I was like what why what is the fourth amendment it's like the powers within you

no the real fourth amendment I thought you were talking about the book I don't know what is the fourth amendment don't nobody in here know okay let's talk about it thou shall not steal is it a commitment now

it's a commandment what is it the fourth amendment is the government can't take your house well I ain't got no house how many people have homes well at that time white men so they were like oh we can't turn on ourselves

that's a good one we couldn't get no house we were in the back outside in the back of the house some of us were in the house but those were the lights none of us none of the people at this table were in the house we were outside waiting in the water and i was just like oh my god i'm so high do you ever think about like if you were a slave like right now no i don't want to have this

conversation i'll have it i'll have it um i've thought about it and i think that if i was a slave i would die like i'd die on my first day there's no way that i'd be able because like there's a lot of conversations on twitter of like people being like well if i was there i would have did this and i was like really thinking about it recently and i was like i not as the person i am now i would pat like i broke my i almost broke my toe because i was looking for snacks like i couldn't i would die literally die but i just think it's crazy that people think that they have the balls to be like well i would have did this differently and like they lie well i've read the autobiography of frederick douglas and it was a really hard book to read because it was like this is oh and i feel

like everybody in school should have to read this book like it's just to read the things that he's gone through but uh this thing that they used to do to the slaves is people would like they would test them to see how loyal they were to the people who owned them and so they'd be like how's your master treating you and people would be like my master is trash and then they'd come back and they'd be like well we were testing you and that person would die or get whipped or whatever oh my god so when people asked slaves how their masters were treating them they'd be like my master treats me great because they didn't want to get and and i feel like it was somebody recently i feel like it was like donald trump's wife or something that was like well the slaves

were happy and they said that they were happy because we used to ask them or something see that walked so that like work reviews can run so like when you like are like work like teachers and they're like tell us how we did right you then don't want to be that person that like says bad things because then right but if it's anonymous i'm always honest i'm like you guys were terrible my teacher can't read but remember get out like there's scenes where like you look at her eyes and like she is gone you talking about the black lady yes georgina you just said her like it was one sorry sorry i'm thinking like she she seemed like she was okay when she was like no no no no no no that was a good movie yeah it was it was i enjoyed it what's a good movie to

watch high oh yeah that's a good question great question because i i do like pixar things yeah what is a movie that i watched high oh the craft have you ever seen that yes i've never seen it's like these four it's a witchy it's a women that do like witchcraft but they in high school so it's like high school drama yeah and it's it's cool it's light as a feather light as a feather stiff as a board that's not evil sound demonic it's not though i don't need to tell you yeah I agree with you on that I don't want to watch anything that's like too witchy but this is like

if you're just getting into witchery that's like I'm not getting into witchery the witchery I had never seen it's like a dancery but with witchery that's where Mary J. Blige

that's where Mary J. Blige was trying to go after the dancery that's the after party that's the turn of after hours after the waffle house um i saw there's something about mary for the first time real high and i thoroughly enjoyed that yo the beginning of it is so good i was i've i've watched it twice like when i was younger but watching it as an adult there were so many things i was like damn this was so well written yeah people it was so funny yeah it was above it like beyond its time like when he gets the dick stuck in the i was like that visual is insane but that scene is

the funniest thing i had ever seen i was when he's going into the ambulance and then like his mentally challenged little brother oh what was he saying i don't remember when the dad was coming in looking at it the dude came into the window it was nuts that's a great scene everybody watched that's our that's your assignment yeah your homework for the weekend get high and watch

I also would recommend Black Panther I watched it on Netflix when I was very high and it's really like visually stimulating it's visually stimulating but that's a lot

like the like music like in the background it's like a lot right so yeah that's what you did you made your runny macaroni and cheese oh yeah yeah yeah

and then you watched Black Panther yeah and there's a scene where um what's the T'Challa yeah yeah yeah he goes to see his dead daddy in that dream world

oh yeah and it's like all purpley shit but if you notice that guy has a fake eye and if and when you're high and i like brought it up to my friends and in the next scene we saw it and it was it stood out so hard the fake eye was like coming out yeah because it was like looking one way and then the other eye was looking another way and it was just such an obvious shot and we were like why didn't they change this but we laughed about it i thought i was going to die from like i've never in my life like that it's so hard yes I mean the cherry on top

it was truly just over it was not I was like why the fuck would they leave this in here and they were trying to be so serious talking about being dead and shit and I was like and he was like remember me he's like remember and he's like dad

you said you'd never leave me Simba that shit fucked me up I feel like that's me on Mondays yo yeah I like him remember me trying to figure it out get through the day i'm here for it this is beautiful so fine i'm mad you didn't bring any weed to the podcast yeah that's like you're obviously not

a super guest honestly trash i mean i don't live here so i don't have any on me you're alive you smoked weed yesterday from my friend's house because he has a lot of money so he just has like jars of weed at his house so you could have bought a jar of weed to the podcast is what i'm saying i can't get to have that on the train yes you can yes you can i am a black man winger for I can yes you can yes you can and you took the train here I did with that boot I took the G it's close though it's right there

with this boot I really wanted to be on this podcast because I like supporting black women oh look at you now also you had nothing to do so you're right I mean you did tell us you're unemployed so you here for a while okay I mean you said that at the top

of the podcast you're right okay so we're listening well to people listening if you have any words of advice, like maybe three weed tips that you can give the listeners? Things they should do or shouldn't do, or weed they should smoke or shouldn't

smoke. I would say clean your smoking apparatuses as often as possible, because people do not, and that shit is disgusting. If you see the inside of your bowl, and it's caked with black shit, so is your lungs. Don't do

that, you tacky bitch. You tacky bitch! that's nasty um to bring us home now uh buy in bulk uh because it's nothing is worse than when you have a when you invite people over and you're like oh we finna get fucked up and then you ain't got no weed it's gonna make you look bad it's gonna kill the whole vibe and it's gonna make you look broke and basic so wow wait hold on so i'm supposed to supply all the weed for all y'all motherfuckers y'all not bringing nothing to the table if you're hosting rolling paper if you're if it's your idea if you if you're like oh let's go get let's go get high then the expectation is

that you're going to provide it but i hate people you should hang around with people that are like oh well i'll put some in too yes so the expectation is that like i'll have it but like y'all should also chip in if y'all not shitty exactly but like if you don't have it well i'm i ain't she yes i just show up and i'm like well i'm here with my lungs so where where do i i don't even bring a lighter i might steal a lighter actually thank you this is really cute this is mine yeah i feel like a lot of fights have happened when like you're at somebody's house and we're all supposed to be smoking and like people are not putting enough money in or we're waiting forever for the dealer and it's like well why didn't you get this set up before we got here

exactly so just to avoid all that you know have a little planning um and then third i would say don't let anyone shame you for enjoying weed because I do think that like there is a place that like weed really does help a lot of people cocaine don't let anybody shame you cocaine is a hell of a drug

they don't say that about weed just stick to weed don't go past it weed is fine there's so much exploration that you can do with weed and it's organic for the most part gluten free farm to table

the most they could do is make you go to fuck to sleep like just really take your time to really explore weed like don't do like the other stuff don't be skipping steps don't let them lie to you and tell you that it's a gateway drug because you could just stay here overdose on weed that's not a thing that happens but there are people who've been

so high that they've called the cops on themselves that's because as a person oh my god I can't have you guys heard these calls yes and I'm pretty sure if you like dig deeper that person was unstable from jump from jump yeah they started off shaky hand and shit the weed just amplifies who you already are that's why i can't do it i already know i'm a hot mess i already know you become a superman oh yeah yeah yeah i'm like did

you hear them talking about me it's like and it's like there's nobody here yeah but they talking about me right now who are you talking about sis i feel like my neighbors i feel them in i hear them in events it's like what see i feel like the way i smoke weed is like the opposite where where i'm like no one's talking about me the world is silent i can think i can see everything what weed are you smoking the best honestly you need to give me this person's number if they're here in new york i'll send you the menu send me the menu please so i can see i feel like you're gonna look at the prices like but that's why i need to see the menu says so i can see how much everything costs and then you're gonna go to somebody's house you're like oh do you want to

look at the dealers that i got and then you show them the menu i'm gonna get my roommate to order it she was asking me if i know anybody that delivers weed and i was like no not really but send me an updated one they text you and be like hey we have some new things how long does it take for them to come like um they have one in each borough so um it's a business professional so it's usually like no more than like 45 minutes oh okay so before we get to the crib you gotta call you gotta make you got a place to order so by the time you get there but if if you like order too quickly and they come before you get there they would be like oh this is a scam they'll like block you because it still is not legal yeah right yeah yeah i feel like weed delivery in new york is so

fascinating to me because they be on like bicycles or like they be in uber pools and they do it's not legal here but they like they cross the bridge to get you in the open just be it's it's like and the people that come to me are always people that i'm like yeah it looks like you would have a bag full of drugs so i'm like you're not even like it's i get that it's not legal but most people are like they're not even gonna hide it there's bigger problems like people dying yeah do that okay wait last thing um what's the best snacks to eat while you're high okay so this is a snack that i came upon that i really really like this is a mix let me mix it up these are two things they're like different variations of each other but the base is always a peanut butter and jelly

sandwich so you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you take uh cookies and you crunch them up and you put them on the sandwich for like texture uh yeah and then you you grill it so like it's a lot of work you lost everybody in here but you gotta grill it okay but see but that's like the like when you're really trying to like feel fancy we light some candles yeah but if you're high you're too like i fucked up to be like y'all i'm gonna grow some shit it is such an experience no like because then you i feel like being high makes you ultra focus on one thing okay you become like very like okay i'm doing this now i'm doing this now i'm doing this but if that's too much buy a pack of uncrustables and you uh take a pack of reese's and you cut

the uncrustables and you stick the reese's in the uncrustable and you just eat it what's an Uncrustable it's it's like a pre-made sandwich for babies it's like a it's like a pre-made baby it's like a lunchable for the kids today I've never heard of this it's for white children exactly how the hell did you come upon Uncrustable yeah they were on um craft services and I had one and then I was like this is super convenient they come in a little pouch you can just open it up you already got a PB&J you bite it make a hole for your Reese's stick those in And then you drink some milk I feel like when I'm high I like savory snacks

I don't really like sweet things When I'm high You know what's good That Trader Joe's pizza The one that has like the Cheese and a little ham It's thin crust It's $3.99

That's what it's called We gotta go to Trader Joe's There's one around the corner Listen listeners An additional item for the Christmas list for the unofficial expert is we also want Trader Joe's gift cards.

Yes. And we need at least four because there's four people in the studio right now. We gotta look out for the producers. This was great. This was so fun.

Let's go get high. Yeah. Thank you so much, Dwayne, for coming. Plug your social media, dude, because your Twitter's great. Your Instagram's great. People need to know.

You can find me on Twitter at Dwayne Perkins. That's D-E-W-A-Y-N-E Perkins. There's another nigger named Dwayne Perkins, i'm not that nigga i'm the other nigga the gay one right uh and then on instagram it's at duane k perkins uh duane perkins on there is like some old man who wouldn't give me the name

so it's duane you asked him for i asked him multiple times i tried to like buy it from him report it i've tried so hard yo some some rapper may have passed some rapper dude tried to like buy my my reesey off me with the three e's and i looked at his page and he had like 12 followers and I was like I'm not giving up my name for your 12 followers people know me as this also Dwayne is verified

so he's a real check oh yeah I have a blue check mark on Instagram for some reason Twitter refuses and I think it's because I'm gay

no that's just Jesus literally there's Jesus saying nah literally all our gays are verified I know Bowen's verified

Bowen is verified John Earl he's verified white gay it's because you're black I know uh uh well yeah

I'm black and not and not light skinned they were like pick a struggle yeah Jabuki's verified they were like your show got cancelled nigga you ain't getting

verified I mean that's true okay well this has been so fantastic thank you for being here please you know subscribe

review comment be in our DMs I really appreciate the reposting that people are doing you guys are really fucking going out there

they're listening and they're coming to live shows they are the next unofficial expert live is going to be for the Brooklyn

podcast festival on January 11th at Union Hall. So you got time to like book a flight and like get your money together and we'll accept gifts up until

Christmas gifts up until January 12th. I think that's the way to do it. I know. Yeah. You see what I did there? Yes. Booyah, Ka.

Bye. Forever. Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio,

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