MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The White Guy Expert" with Anthony Corballis

Episode Date: November 25, 2016

Sydnee & Marie take us to the world of a white guy; guided by guest Anthony Corballis. Yes we're talking Whole Foods and knitted sweaters.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

For you, the listeners of Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. To earn $25 of free driving credit, go to joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts to earn free driving credit. Hey. Hi guys. Oh my goodness. This is the Unofficial Expert. Where we think we know, but we don't know yeah we have no idea well no we know it all i know it all i feel like i do i was an expert this week at being a good friend oh that sounds terrible what was that well how are you a good friend this week uh my friend got some bad news and usually i'll be flaking on everybody i'll be like i'm busy you got shows and i actually came through after my show that was in

Brooklyn I came all the way to the city hung out stayed out then went home mad late is that what it takes to be a good friend yeah well then I'm a really crappy friend but we know that already I'm not leaving my burrow for your tears um we know that okay well as long as as long as you know I do I'm also not leaving my burrow to go to Bushwick I know that as well I'm I'm I'm on it what was I an expert at this week I was an expert at washing my hair in under three hours this week I did that yesterday and my hands were all pruney. You know how like when you're in the water too long, your hands get like, or your skin turns into like old people's skin.

My hands have still not recovered. I don't know what's happening, but my scalp feels clear and it feels different when I like the wind hits my scalp now. It's definitely clean. It's clean. An expert. We can like put a finger through it and be like, no, please don't touch me. We're not that cool.

No fuss, no fuss. There's going to be a little bit of a fuss. So this is a show where we talk to experts about what they're really, really well versed in. And today our expert is Anthony Corbali. Yeah, what's up you guys? It's actually pronounced Corbalis. You've only known me for two years, but that's cool. Actually, actually.

If you can't tell, Anthony is our white man expert today. He is so white and he is such a man. and we love all of that. He has on our expert glasses today and he looks like a professor. Yes. I'm robo-white. That's how white I am.

Just ask me any white questions I got your answer. No, we just want to hear, we want to ask you regular questions and then we want to hear your super beige responses. Yes. Because I'm sure

they're going to come out. the white man struggle. That's what we need. Can you tell us? Oh, you came to the right guy. White guy struggle. Number one, depression. Oh, you want to talk about that?

No, but I'm saying like that's a real white man's struggle is depression. Yeah, I was depressed yesterday. Oh, no. I had to watch three Netflix movies. What movies did you watch? Deliverance. Not exactly a cheery movie. There was male rape in that movie.

Yeah, that's a fail right there. I've never seen Deliverance. No, it actually snapped me out of it. You were like, I'm doing bad, but not that bad. I was like, yeah, it's a good day. I'm just having a really good Wednesday. But in a weird way, like when I first watched Deliverance, it scared me because it was so creepy seeing a guy get raped. But now

I was like, ooh, that was kind of a good move. Like, in a kinky way, like with consensual rape. Oh, there you go. I'm sorry, consensual rape? Consensual rape is a thing, which that was, because they were actors, they were consenting to the rape, so I saw how exciting it was. Listen, don't you be giving those white man excuses.

There's no such thing. That sounds like something that they would say, though, right? But it was a consensual rape. Oh, man, you're going to make it. Come on. She wanted it, though. She said no. Yeah.

No, she told me to rape her, is what she said. Mm-mm, mm-mm. I took a really dark turn too fast. We're not, we're not. I know, I know, I know. We haven't been doing this. We're not even at kindergarten yet. We haven't been doing this long enough.

Let's, okay, so you watched Deliverance. What else did you watch? And then I watched the Janis Joplin documentary and then the Allen Iverson documentary. Ooh. It was really good. Let's get into that. Get into that.

What was your perspective on Allen Iverson? The answer. How do you feel about AI? Oh, you gotta love him. He's great. He was great. But that story that, where he got arrested in high school

is really fucked up because he was at a bowling alley and they got into a brawl and he got sentenced to 15 years for a brawl in a bowling alley in Virginia. If you were wondering about the criminal justice system and what's wrong with it, Allen Iverson.

But he didn't go to jail, though. Yeah, he did four months. He had to get the governor to pardon him. And the only reason he got that was because everybody knew he was going to be a famous ball player. So he got out. He would have done five years.

Did somebody die at the bowling alley? I was like, what happened? Somebody broke a thumb, somebody broke an arm, and somebody got a gash. I wonder how he got out of that. He probably had somebody white on his side. Well, then he was going pro, so he had, you know, his beige collar.

Yeah, if he hadn't have been going pro, he would have done five years for a bowling alley, bro. Yeah, yeah. How much time did everybody else do? Did anybody else do any time? Because he got off, his other friends got off, too. So they all got really lucky. I mean, it's fucked that they were in that situation

in the beginning. Yes. In a bowling alley? Bowling alley. I don't like bowling. Bowling is not that great. Bowling for me is cool. I put on those nasty ass shoes.

They're always disgusting. And they always look like clown shit. I understand that the bottoms need to have that grip or whatever. Can't we just put regular shoes on and have that little slidey thing on them and be good? They always look funky. Some funky ass blue and red shoes. And you know it'd be somebody who's real comfortable to just put their feet in there. It's like, no socks.

No socks. Really? Really, Brad? They got Band-Aids on, too. Disgusting. There's like Band-Aid juice in the shoe. And then you know that spray ain't nothing but like water mist. Oh, yeah.

It's like a stop that fungal jungle. It's disgusting. Oh, my God. It's so bad. So gross. Anyway, bowling is terrible. But so you, tell us about you. You're from where?

I'm from Greenwich, Connecticut. Bam. That is like. Ding, ding, ding. So white, man. That's like the Mecca of beige right there. It's like, oh, holy, yes. Oh, holy.

I think that all young white males have to travel to Greenwich before they turn 40. That's like their pilgrimage. Yeah, to be officially white, you have to go to Greenwich. What states have you been to? Where have you gone? Everywhere except Alaska. No, no, no. Tell us where.

You've been to Maine? Yeah. Rhode Island. Yep. Very white. North Dakota. Yes. Actually, shit.

No, I did one of the Dakotas. That's the only state I haven't been to. It's one of the biggest Dakotas. Dakota is Dakota. Montana. Yeah. New Hampshire. Yep.

Iowa. Yep. Sydney, you don't know no states. I've been everywhere. All of them except one of the Dakotas in Alaska. The white ones? No. Even Hawaii.

I've been to Hawaii. All of that shit. I almost went to Antarctica. I know Arkansas. That's where it is. Arkansas? Yeah. Wow.

Nebraska? Yep. What the hell are you doing in all these states? When you drive across the country, you go through Nebraska. Missouri. Yep. I don't know any more states. Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, Colorado, Wyoming.

Tennessee. Tennessee. South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, Virginia, West Virginia. All those states are white. Oregon. Pennsylvania, Oregon. I think he just named them. Washington.

Now he's just naming them. Now I'm just showing off. Yeah, clearly. You can name all of them. Oh, Oklahoma? You've been to Oklahoma? Of course I've been to Oklahoma. What did you do in Oklahoma?

They got horsetails like 20 feet high there. What the hell is a horsetail? You're going to think, this is not very white if I tell you about this. No, no, no, tell me about this. I went wildcrafting in Oklahoma. Okay, now what is that? What is wildcrafting? Oh, that does sound, because I was studying herbal medicine.

And they got a lot of wild herbs in Oklahoma, a lot of good stuff. So we were wildcrafting. Wait, what is wildcrafting? Yeah, explain it, please. Oh, it's when you pick herbs in the wild. Isn't that just called gardening? No, that's when you have a garden in your backyard. This is when you don't have a garden.

That's a domesticated way. And you go out in the woods and you pick shit. I'm learning so much. Like, I feel so stupid sitting here right now. I don't know. Sydney, did you know what that was? Do you see my face? Wild crafting.

Yeah, yeah. So you did that in... I got college credit for this shit because I went to this freak school called Evergreen. That's the school you went to? This is how white men pass. Like, they got to do shit like this. Oh, yeah, because I was going to fail out of school.

So you were. Yeah, yeah. No, I should have failed out of school. I should have gotten thrown out of school. Well, a lot of stories. I was going to get thrown out, and then I got elected class president. What were you going to get thrown out for? Yes.

Because I went to prep school in ninth grade. I got the worst grades. Prep school. Yeah, yeah. I went to this place called Salisbury. It's still all boys school in Salisbury, Connecticut. Salisbury. I'm sorry, can you direct me to Salisbury?

A young man, please direct me to Salisbury. Salisbury. What was the uniform? Coat and tie. Did you hear that? Coat. Coat and tie. Excuse me, sir, can I take your coat? Coat. May I take your coat?

Coat is very heavy, so it wasn't a blazer. Yeah, it was a blazer, but you call it coat. Coat and tie. we're learning so much this is so good or you could wear a turtleneck instead of a tie that was like when you were getting crazy have you ever seen a turtleneck and a tie combo now i want to do that okay so turtleneck what were the pants like it was like a khaki or like a yeah anything except jeans you couldn't wear jeans you couldn't wear some denim no no denim but i did chew

tobacco, which is really redneck. You're not going to smoke in the room. Wait, how old were you? Ninth grade. So like 13. Tobacco? You're just ruining your gums in ninth grade? Can you smile at us so we can see your gums? My gums are good. He got a dentist. I had Invisalign.

Obviously. But Invisalign don't fix your gums. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Foolish. So you went to Salisbury. And it was all-boys school. All-boys school. I've been to an all-boys day school before that, where I wore a brown We got day.

We got prep. What else? I had a brown and white uniform, first through fifth grade. Brown and white. A little patch on the sweater that said, courage, honor, truth. Ooh. Awful. So brotherhood.

But then sixth grade coat and tie. Six through eight. So they had you like grown men in the sixth grade. Yes. Like you look like you had mortgage and shit on your face. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what school I went to?

Okay. So the school I went to, you know those like Winklevoss brothers from the Facebook movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The twins. Yeah, they went to Brunswick. That's the school that I went to. Brunswick. Brunswick.

Yeah, yeah. You've got to be making these names. Brunswick. Brunswick. Yeah, Brunswick. Evergreen. Coat. Coat and tie.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I was checking this out because my nephew was looking at prep schools. He goes to Brooks right now. Oh, Brooks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Brooks. Tell Brooks to put it on the back burner. $62,000 a year

To go to Salisbury Right now What Wait how old is he No no He doesn't go to Salisbury I'm saying When he was looking

At schools It's the most expensive School in the country Right now $62,000 To go to Salisbury Well you can't take out a loan You gotta have money

You have to go to like An interview process And this is a prep school Prep school One year $62,000 Wait so what is the point Of prep school

Yeah what do you learn To get you ready For high school Get you ready to rape Well I thought Oh shit I thought it was like going to college. That's why I went.

My sister's like, yeah, you could party all the time. It's like going to college. So that's why I decided to go. And then I get there, and they lied to me. Clearly. Because I was like, I'm not going to some all-boys school. You've got to be fucking kidding me. You're crazy if you think I'm going to your school.

You're like, where are the hoes at? Where are the hoes, where are the hoes, where are the hoes at? Wait, wait, hold on. You decided you wanted to go to Salisbury as a 13-year-old. Like, yeah, 13-year-old. It was your choice? You had a choice at 13? Exactly.

The only choice I had was get smacked or just go without getting smacked. Yeah. So how much did it cost when you were in ninth grade? Not much. It was just like probably $5,000. Just $5,000. That's still a fucking lot. You know, school is free if you go to public school.

It's free as hell. Yeah, well, I ended up going to public school because I had all this, and I was the first person in my family history to ever go to public school. Damn, you broke the chain. You're changing lives right here My mother couldn't tell my grandfather For six months Why did your grandfather care?

Because did he also go to Salisbury? Or Brooks? No, he went to St. Marks Did he die right after that? Did he hear that and was like You killed him You're horrible I know

So your nephew is thinking about going He's going to Brooks right now And how much is that quote? It's not as much as Salisbury, but it's ridiculous. All right, let's move on from this too much school that you were going to. So you went to all this school, and then you still almost failed out? Oh, yeah, I was failing out of school. What was your grades?

I was getting, like, they had number grades, which were worse, because I was getting a 45. Oh, hell no. Failing is a 59, so if you get a 45, that really pulls it down, right? So you were dumb as hell. No, I just wasn't doing my work. What was everybody else getting? I don't know

80s, 90s What were you doing, Anthony? How are you getting to 45? I was pissed He was out there Chewing that tobacco And he didn't have time to pee No, I got there

You couldn't drink See, I was like Allowed to drink And smoke at home Oh my God You were 13 When I was In 7th grade

I smoked cigarettes In my house With my mother What was your drink Of choice As a 13 year old? I'll have a nice scotch On the rocks

Can I have an old fashioned And then a sidecar? Can I get a Sazerac? I'm going to drink all this Manhattan up. Extra cherries. Gin martini with a twist. Oh, a gin first gin drink. Did you have a Vesper?

I don't even know that. A Vesper. I'm so done. Okay, so you were drinking. You're a mom. You don't remember what you were drinking? Okay, well, I would drink beer. Okay, I would come into the city, drink with my dad.

He'd be like, stock the fridge with beer. This is eighth grade. I had a fake ID. Then we'd go out to dinner Wine, champagne, cocktails And then he'd be like Here's a hundred bucks A couple hundred bucks

Go out, have fun I had no curfew I would take my friends To the clubs And drink shots Drink beer Whatever Eighth grade

Eighth grade You're like 12 You're 12 years old I had a fake ID This is why these white managers Be doing anything and everything Wait, your dad knew you were 12, right? And he was like, yeah

I was 14 Maybe he was so drunk He didn't remember your age was it that drinking age was 18 back then so they were like you were still

really far off from 18 I know you're still five years away yeah yeah he wanted to be cool my parents were divorced

where were you guys getting dinner the waiter was just like where am I dropping this jack and coke Anthony did you still have this face

did you have like an older man's face at 14 I was 6 foot 2 and a half at 13 so I looked 18

I shrunk I shrunk three quarters of an inch Damn son I'm not going to do the math When you lose your white privilege you just get a little shorter That's it He still has privilege He's not drinking enough milk

Probably Bones were like Okay so you were drinking with your dad You were drinking with your mom No I was just smoking cigarettes with my mom Didn't drink with her She was a responsible mom She was a smoker

She was like that's where I draw the line She might as well do it in front of me. So you guys were just, like, she'd be like, can you light me up? And you guys would, like, burn cigarettes. Well, this is how it happened. I was like, Mom, can you do a smoke ring? She's like, and she tried, and she couldn't. I was like, I can do a smoke ring.

She goes, yeah, right. Oh, like in Alice in Wonderland when they make the circles? Yeah, yeah. The caterpillar? So she gives me a drag of a cigarette, and I go, and I pop one. It goes all the way across the kitchen, like, goes around her nose. And she's like, all right, here's a pack of cigarettes. what that's it yep she's like that was the test that was the true test no she's like you're

obviously already smoking so you don't i don't want you to hide it from me i would still want you to hide it from me because i know you'd be smoking less cigarettes okay so yeah but i quit by the eighth grade see that's the stereotype that's why you have to do it early so you can like make it a habit he started early he started early enough no i'm like that quintessential like you know yeah white kid quit doing coke in the 10th grade you know that kind of thing when did you start doing cocaine uh ninth grade well actually first time was eighth grade at xenon's the club it was like what is going on how are you still alive right now oh i should be you done you done started things and then retired before other people started those things yeah wow okay

so what happened you get you get back to public school and then where you know where what happens after that okay then my mom goes to africa i'm in school i got my own house you want to know how They left you in the house by yourself? I had my own house. Okay, well, the first... Why did your mom go to Africa? Okay, because I went to boarding school. My sister was at boarding school.

It was like us going to college. So she's like, well, what am I going to do with my life? So she takes off. She goes to Africa. Then I come back, and she's like, well, I like Africa. And she's still there, right? So she kept going. Yeah, and she's still there right now.

She want that dick. Yeah, yeah. So she still lives in Africa. She does. Well, or was she saving something? Was she feeding the children? Yeah, what was she doing? You don't just go to Africa.

No, she was on safari, and then she met some dude who was like, you should come to South Africa for a visit. That is. And then she did, and then that was it. See, dick will make you renounce your citizenship. Absolutely. In Africa? Good dick will make you renounce your citizenship.

He was German, though. Sorry. Oh, isn't that the bullshit right there? You're going to go to all the way in Africa to get some more white dick? Like, come on. But you didn't hear that they're in South Africa? Yeah. Okay.

But still. This is before apartheid ended, too. I went over there before apartheid ended. It was fucking weird. Weird, Anthony? But I'm just saying, if I was a white man, I'd be like, wait, you can't get no dick here in America? You got to go all the way to South Africa? But it's German dick, though.

It's German dick. It's European dick. There's German dick in America. Yeah, well, I just talked to my mom the other day. She said she hadn't been laid in 15 years. So apparently that German dick ain't doing so good. That German dick is on a hiatus. Oh, mother.

Wait, you talk to your, I mean, you used to smoke cigarettes with your mom, and so of course you're talking about dick with your mom. Obviously. She hasn't been laid in 15 years. Oh, and then, oh, wait till you hear this one. Then she tells me, she's like, you know, your father was the best I ever had. And she goes, and don't think I didn't have a lot of people, because between my first and my second husband, I slept with about 20 guys.

I was like, mom. What was the time span? That was between fifth grade and like 10th grade for me or something. Ah, that's it. White people oversharing. Y'all are some oversharing motherfuckers because who is saying all that?

I've never even said the word dick in the same room as my mom. My mom told me in eighth grade her boyfriend was impotent. Well, that's a word that you had to go look up. She wanted you to learn that word. I hear that. My mother didn't even say sex. She was like, you doing that?

My mom told me to do it on a hard floor. She goes like, you want to do it right? You do it on a hard floor. You can get deep. Get in there deep. Your mother said that? That's what she told me. Is your mother's name Barbara? Yeah, what's your mom's name? Kathy. Kathy. Kathy. Is it Kathleen? Kathy.

It's just Kathy? Kathy. And you call her by her first name? No. Okay, you got some... So wait, y'all were smoking and shit, but you can't call her by her first name? Come on now. You couldn't be like, thanks, Kath. Kath, can you make me a grilled cheese? Hey, Kath, can I have an espresso to go? I was not allowed to call her mother.

That was like the one thing I couldn't call her mother you couldn't call her mother you don't call her mother does your mom wear pearls and like white in my mind your mom only wears like white linen now see this is this is what you gotta understand about my mom she's old money so they dress down like she shops at k mart and shit oh that's south africa woolworth over there woolworth my mom yo you brought it back right there woolworth yeah they don't even have those in the state they have it there they're done they They got it in South Africa. They just got them?

Damn, they got it well worth it. Madly. So late. So she dresses down. Cathy dresses down, but she's old money. Where's Cathy's money come from? I mean, she don't sound like she work. Work?

What are you talking about? Where's Cathy's money come from? Well, I don't know how you say it. My mom's like a sixth generation millionaire. Oh, my God. That's far down the line. That's like your great-great-great-great-great. Do I know who she's

descending from? Okay. You know Delancey Street? Lower East Side? Yeah, that was my family's property. They owned the entire Lower East Side.

They had a farm there. Delancey Street. What year are we talking about here? This is before the revolution. That's so far, like that don't even count. Yeah, this goes so far back

that they were basically British. Yeah. You know, even though they were French, but then they went to England and then they came to America. And yeah, Yeah, they own the Lower East Side.

And then the revolution came, they got kicked out, had to go to Canada. Well, it only cost like two cents to own like that area at that time. So that doesn't... Yeah, so where's the money coming from? Banks. Banking. Okay, see, that's what we wanted to hear. That's what we wanted to hear.

Banking. You got like Carnegie money? Okay, my great-grandfather was J.P. Morgan's best friend. You know J.P. Morgan? Yeah, the dude who takes all the money out of my account if I don't have enough money in it. That dude? Yeah, that was my great-grandfather's best friend.

But it was his father that made just shit tons of money. And then one of them was married to a Vanderbilt. I don't know. Oh, yeah, Vanderbilt. Yeah, I mean, of course. So you're kind of related to Anderson Cooper? Is he a Vanderbilt? His mom is.

Gloria Vanderbilt? Gloria. More Snapple white facts right there. I just want you to know that I did my research as well. Wow. Okay, so your mom, she don't work. So a day in the life of Kathy before she went to South Africa was what? Get into it right now.

Yeah, I just want to know. Kathy wakes up around what time? So she's old money, though. Okay, yeah. My mom wakes up, she throws on her bathrobe, smokes a cigarette, drives me to school in her Ford Pinto, which if you remember those, those are the ones that used to blow up. Oh, Kathy gets no damn.

And it wasn't even a Pinto. It was the knockoff version. It was a mercury bobcat. So my mom is driving me to school in her bathrobe, smoking cigarettes, no makeup on, hair crazy. And my friends are like, what's up with your mom? Their moms, they got mink coats on, they're driving Mercedes,

or they got their chauffeurs driving them to school. But Kathy was doing it right, though, because real money gives no dams about everybody else. Right? That's so funny. People with new money want you to be like, oh, is that mink? Yes.

Is that endangered chinchilla? Yes. But like Kathy, in a little mercury, probably making mad noise coming down the street. My mother used to dress exactly like that. So my mom had a lot of things in common with Kathy, except no money. Ramona had no coins. My mom, yeah, she shops at Kmart. That's the only thing she has in common with Kathy.

Ramona loved a bathrobe, like no matter what. Bathrobe y todo. Like she don't even have the sash. yeah she don't even have that she just have it wide open you're like mom I can see your titties come on

like that like she don't care at all I feel like that's just like black moms though yeah it is like my brother would be like mom James is here

like she'd have on like just a skirt like right up to like her belly button and you're like what are you doing and she'd be like James get dressed

like throw a shirt at her was Kathy like that or she would just she was a little more she was way worse my mother used to do these exercises without underwear on

no Oh, Kathy. Yeah. Kathy, yes. I will be watching TV. I look over. My mom's doing these exercises, and she's doing these leg lifts from the side like this. And I'm like, oh, mom, come on.

Put that shit away. Wait, she didn't have pants on? She used to flash me not realizing it. And I was like, that's disgusting, mom. White people are so comfortable. Put that away. She would do it in just the robe. No, this was now she was just sitting in her room with a shirt on, no underwear or something.

I don't know. It was gross. I mean, if I'm at my house, there's no reason to have panties on, right? That's just a waste of panties. I think that there's house panties, and then there's going out. No, no, no, no. There's no such thing as house panties. I'm just not going to put them on if I'm in my house.

If the shirt is long enough, and I know my roommate's not coming home, no panties. Some days, I don't even put them on. But yeah, I thought we were poor growing up, because- Because you only had six bathrooms? Boom! Yeah, we had five bedrooms. We had a pool, in-ground pool, one acre of land. But you thought you were poor.

For Greenwich, that was nothing. People were, like, making fun of me because of my house. I see what you mean. They were, like, and I used to get a ride from the milkman to school. Anthony, how old are you? The milkman? We had a milkman. Was this in the 60s?

So you were, like, the poorest person in Greenwich. Yeah, yeah. My friends were, like, it was ridiculous. They had chauffeurs. They had elevators in their houses. And you guys would use your stairs like regular people? Yeah. How did you feel?

How did that make you feel going to someone else's home that had an elevator in it and you're, like, I'm supposed to be rich. What is this? Yeah, it was weird. But I liked the people that had all the fun shit to play with. Who was the richest friend that you had? Like, do you remember who was, like, the person with the most or the nicest house? Do you remember what that was like?

This one friend of mine, his father was chairman of the board of Pepsi. What? So. I almost fell off the seat. That was pretty badass. What? He had, like, mini bikes, go-karts, elevator in the house. He had, like, a soda machine in the hallway.

You just, like, push a button. Yeah, just giving them kids that. I mean, the toys he had. Yeah, it's crazy. Indoor pool. That was pretty badass. Indoor pool? Oh, liking Cruel Intentions?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. He had that indoor pool. What was his mom like? What was that dude's mom like? Or was it like his stepmom? Because those dudes don't stay married for long. Yeah, I just remember their nanny. She was the one.

Oh, she was there, yeah. Of course, the mom, she was busy. The nanny was chill as fuck. She was getting Botox. Yeah. So, I don't know. So, you didn't have a nanny? I sort of did in the summertime.

She was great, actually. What was your nanny's name? Anna. And she was? Hungarian. Upper East Side. My grandparents lived in the Upper East Side, so we would stay with them in the Hamptons in the summertime.

So Anna would look after me, and I needed her looking after me because my sister tried to kill me all the time. Well, yes. I mean, obviously. Like for real kill you or fake? She would give me pennies to eat. Oh, that's awesome.

Like, I was her piggy bank. What was your sister's name? Cammie. Shame on Cammie. Yeah. She tried to drown me. Cammie, you ain't shit. You ain't shit, Cam Cam.

Where's Cam Cam now? Westchester. Of course she is. I mean, why would Cammie be anywhere else? That's where you go to prosper. That's like Greenwich Junior. I mean... Yeah, yeah.

Wow. She's living the, you know, the preppy lifestyle. Okay, so let's tell us how you ended up back in New York. So you went to school. You studied herbal. Okay, so I should have failed out of school, but I went to the community learning program at Greenwich High. Which is like the community, that's like DeVry. It's like saying, like, we know you're not going to do any work, but if you sit here all day.

That's like the alternative school. Yeah, we'll give you a degree. So I did that, and I told you about I was like a drug dealer in high school. No, what were you dealing, pills? I was selling weed in high school. I'd show up to school with my backpack full of weed, and I would sell that, and then I would fly out to the West Coast and go to all these shows out there. and um what kind of shows well this is kind of embarrassing i don't like to admit this

okay okay like i had a grateful dead fetish for a little bit so i used to follow the dead i've heard of that but i've never yeah yeah yeah but it's like people make like all the punk rock kids like would make funny and because it's like jerry and the beard and you know i had a beard in high school like that like down to there like that yeah i let it grow out pretty bad damn you looked like you were super old yeah i look long before you were super old yes but i went to this alternative school called evergreen that had no grades evergreen sounds like they wouldn't have any grades it's a state college but there's no grades written evaluations instead so like what if you don't like your teacher like well you know he had some his shoe game was fucked up

Like, you know what I'm saying? What kind of shoes would he have on? He's got his, like, wallabies or some shit like that. Ooh, a wallaby. I mean, come on. He's a wallabies? Professor. Wow.

So, how did you, I feel like, what's the craziest, no, that's not what I want to ask you. I want to ask you, Sydney, I need a, I don't want to say what's the whitest thing you've ever done, but, like. No, we're not there yet. We're not here yet. get to where you are now in your life. Okay, right. So you're where you are now in your life. Where do you live now?

I live in Brooklyn. Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Ah, yes. Oh, man. 11 years. Such a downgrade. Yeah. Not Westchester? Nope. Or Greenwich? Nothing on Delancey was available? Yeah. What happened? Why don't you live on Delancey? Oh, I can't even afford a studio on Delancey. What does a studio on Delancey

cost? Even though I feel like you're lying. Yeah. I feel like you're being real modest right now you can afford all the studios on the land we not gonna rob you tell the truth how much is the studio in delancey guys i don't know probably like 16 2000 oh that's a doable you can't do that i had 1800 i had 1800 rent like about yeah but a studio no i didn't you weren't paying that whole rent by yourself i was paying at first by myself 1900 that's crazy yeah in harlem too in harlem no no no but backyard why are you paying that much in harlem washer and dryer because it was a um brownstone it was a duplex yeah it was a brownstone i don't know it was a brownstone

you didn't tell me that when you were telling me the story about your raggedy ass place in harlem it sounds it was never raggedy miss ting it was never raggedy it was just my raggedy ass was up in there you left a washer and dryer i sure did to move to a place where you have to walk your laundry down a flight of stairs and drag an old lady car to a laundry mat. Me and you have similar lives right now. I had it all and then I'm just now I'm just here. All was

the washer and dryer. I had it all. Do you have a washer and dryer? No. Where do you do it? Washing pole, three blocks away. You're a white man doing that. I drop it myself. I don't pay for the delivery people to do that. But you pay them to wash it for you.

Yeah, but it's like $2 more than doing it myself. Really? They're really cheap. seriously yeah and we get along really good you want to jump over all right so much happening right now are we paused um so that's something that i feel like people do now a lot is like they don't pay like they don't do their own laundry yeah well i just started doing this because um before i needed my laundry back the same day why because i would only have one set of sheets so if i didn't get it back that day you only have one set of sheets well but then i found that I had a couple other sets but I didn't

realize I had them. How do you not know that you have more than one set of sheets? Because you get presents for Christmas and you just throw them up in a closet and forget that you have them. What's the craziest Christmas gift? The nicest Christmas gift you've ever received? It doesn't have to be like super expensive. It's just like the nicest. Like someone, oh this is really nice. Alright, my mom

took me to Jamaica last year. That's pretty good. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, yeah. Where else have you traveled with your mom? Oh man, she used to take us everywhere this is kind of interesting uh we went to egypt wow to morocco and spain we went to the galapagos islands i don't even know where that is it's off of ecuador that's amazing and she tried to take us to antarctica when i was in sixth grade but my school wouldn't let me out because it was after christmas and i would have had to miss two weeks it was the first cruise to antarctica ever

my mom was on top of it she's like we're going and my school wouldn't let me go couldn't your mom just be like at that we gonna we're he's our son we're taking him and now this is the reason my mom used to get lonely on christmas because i'd be in the city on christmas eve with my dad and then she'd be all by herself we wouldn't get out there till like noon on christmas so what she did she started taking us away for christmas so she wouldn't have to be alone so she would take us to egypt or wherever your mom takes you guys away for christmas every year now she takes us away for christmas just so we can all get together with my sister's family and yeah wow and your dad is what he's out here just like hanging out with like a young 20 some

now his uh his partner she's like a little bit younger but they're in the same age range she's like maybe five years younger max okay i feel like that's doable now as a white man uh we're talking about partners and stuff like that what do you who do you have a girlfriend why what happened have you been married you're never you've never been married married now really no i got an engagement ring though you want to get married oh how did that happen so you just have one oh you just have one on deck you're it's in a safety deposit box of course it is you have a safety deposit box did you hear that something a safe deposit oh you know what i got you want to know what i got in there yes what else is gold like silver like black gold no i gave the

ruby away you giving away rubies diamonds i got some were these passed down are they oh yeah all of us was passed down does your sister have a safe deposit box too and they both have like the same amount of diamonds and stuff in them oh my sister's got a lot more than i got oh damn i got kind of i didn't get the full deal on that are there any emeralds in the box not my box yo that's wild sydney do you know anybody with a safe deposit box oh yeah my family had one girl bye their family had a safe deposit box they did what was in your safety deposit box bonds and then what happened to the bonds well people started dying and we had to take the bonds out to pay for people's funerals and whatnot and then uh actually fucked up in school and they had

to pay like $17,000 for me to continue college. And then you dropped out? Yeah, they cashed the bonds and yeah. Wow.

That's why Ramona is so mad at me. They had to pay for you to finish school and then you didn't finish school? Girl, that's crazy. Me and Anthony are very similar. I hear it. Except Anthony's family, they still got stuff in their safety deposit

box. Yeah, that money's gone. Not that much. Anthony, when you say not that much, it sounds like there's still diamonds and rubies and gold and silver in it, though. Yeah, but that stuff goes quick. What do you mean goes quick?

You're living off of it. Are you living off this box? No. But I might have to soon. Wow. You made some bad investment choices? No, I didn't fuck up. The market fucked up. That's not my fault. I was set for life, but Wall Street pulled some bullshit, yeah, and now I'm not set for life.

Okay. So, Anthony, let me tell you, let me ask you, like, what do you, so what do you, like, what do you do? Like, you were, like, on track to be, like, a doctor or something, or, like, a lawyer, and then you decided you wanted to do something else, or you... I wasn't on track for anything. I mean, I guess thanks to my family, but... You hear that?

You're like, I was just living, you know? I'm like, I'm just here existing. Yeah, aimlessly here on planet Earth, just alive. My parents had no input in my life at all. It was like, you're on your own, kid. Here's some money. Just go do love. When you say some money, like when you say some money to me,

my family would be like, $500. Go figure it out. Some money for you was? It was a whole box full of diamonds. A big box. It was a box full of diamonds. How much was it worth? I mean, you don't have to tell me.

I'm not allowed to discuss the details. Over when I was... Okay, you want to know that... Okay, was it like that Titanic diamond or Jacob the jeweler type jewels? What? No, these are old stones. Listen, Jacob is old money as well.

Is Jacob old money? No. Okay, I didn't think he was. He's Rockefeller money. Okay, thank you. Like Rockefeller, like Jay-Z. Yeah, the ROC. Yeah, yes.

The rock is here. Yeah, so I was a millionaire at like 20. Anthony, this is making me sad. What kind of music do you listen to? All kinds of music. What's in your playlist right now? What are you listening to? What are you jamming to?

It's going to not represent the right way. I like a lot of indie rock. Pull out your phone and let me see the last song you've played. This is going to be embarrassing. I made this little soft rock for pussies playlist. First of all, you have a Samson. I just want everybody to know it's got its galaxy, but it's not the upgrade.

No, the only reason why I got this was because somebody talked me into getting it. Ooh. Somebody. Some woman named Florence? Did you say a dumb? A dumb, yeah. She made me get it. A woman. She didn't like my flip phone.

A dumb in Matrix told you to get a Samsung and you got it? Yeah. Is her number still in the phone? No. Oh, right then. Like, what? I didn't know they were allowed to do that. They wanted you to downgrade? Like, what was wrong? Okay, recently played Desmond Decker, Rudy Got Soul.

Let's play. Can you play and put it on the mic so we can hear what that is? We want to hear it. Because I don't know what that is. Sounds awful. Desmond Decker said... Put it on the mic. Put it on the mic.

I'm trying to catch the beat. Yeah. It's a lot of neck moving. Salisbury. The train is coming down. Is this new? You can't make fun of this when I tell you what it is. This sounds like a white man's soundtrack.

This sounds like a white dude's music when they walk down the street. I don't know who this is. This is original Ska. Jamaica. Original what? Ska. I don't know Ska. Ska music?

Reggae, Ska, you don't know any of that shit? I know reggae, I don't know Ska. Yeah, is Ska like the white version of reggae? Well, Desmond Decker was like the original. Is he Jamaican? Is he white? No, he's not white. What is he?

He's from Jamaica. He's a black man. I need to see a photo. Yeah, pull it up. Siri, who is Desmond Decker? Okay, we could turn that off. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Oh, yeah, he's black. Let me see. He's black. Oh, he died in 2006. See? You know, a black man. All right. Wow.

Is he wearing a beret? It looks like he's wearing a beret and then like a kerchief tied around his neck. He's got the beret. He has the fringes on his jacket. That is wild. Like on the sleeve, the fringes. Wow.

We learned something new. We learned something new about a black man from a white man today. Anthony, do you have any, like, what's your circle of friends like? Like, who are you cool with, like, today in 2016? And what are their, like, first names? Yeah, give us your first names.

Should I start with the guy sleeping on my couch? Yes. I'll take that. Yeah, who's sleeping on your couch? Osama. Wasn't ready for that. You guys don't even want to, it's some wild shit. I was not ready for that.

Yep. Our friend Osama Siddique. Oh my God, you put his whole name. He's been there for months. He's been there for months. Oh my God. You weren't supposed to put his whole government out. You put his whole name.

Now we probably have to bleep that out. Why? We just have Osama. They don't know who we're talking about What if he don't want nobody to know That he's sleeping on your couch White men don't have no boundaries No secrets, no nothing

He said what if I don't want anybody to know So why did you tell him Do you know how gay that makes me look I can't even tell my Oh my roommate You so flippity floppity I can't believe And I knew

I didn't know I didn't know that It's funny though No my parents I'm pretty sure my dad Thinks I'm gay But Which is fine

He likes gay people So it's cool Why does your dad Think you're gay Because I haven't been married I don't have any kids And now I got a roommate How old are you

Come on I can't tell you I'm not allowed to Why are you not allowed Because you get fired From comedy Once you get a certain age Anthony

I don't think that You can't even If you're a screenwriter They fire you At 40 I think So don't tell us How old you are

Anthony As a white man I don't think that applies to you I'm pretty sure you're exempt I love a good setup No you're exempt It doesn't matter how old a white man is First of all y'all come out the womb

You gotta tell everybody how young I look right now We're gonna take a picture Like I said When white men come out the womb They look about 35 You guys look older That's why you were able to drink They were like he's a grown man

He's not gonna pick up the check from this other man is here? No, that's not what I was going to say. I was going to say that as a white man, you're allowed to be as old as dirt and then they still cast you in movies with a young ass wife, right? Like a Jennifer Lawrence and you're in your 50s

and every show, everything that you do, it doesn't matter how old you are. Look at Louis C.K. Look at Jim Gaffigan. They don't have to... Look at Homer Simpson. Look at Homer Simpson, okay? Barge is way too fine for him.

You guys know you'll make it before me. know that well you guys got like the best brand going see look at that smile she knows look at that i'm gonna play the fifth yeah i'm actually not at liberty to discuss that right now i'm looking over my contract right now and i just can't my attorneys have it to me well we have an attorney we have an attorney yes we do shout out to her attorney at uh sloan sloan sloan Hershwish Hershwish Hershwish

At JPMorgan Chase And uh Wait what Who's Chase It's JPMorgan And then where's the Chase Come from That's a new thing

Yeah who this nigga Chase Who this fool That was a merger Oh so we don't This is like whatever It was Chase Manhattan Bank And now it's just Oh

And then you know You know what it was I think Okay so who Who else Who else What are some of your Friends' first names

I want to hear like a skip Oh, my best friend? James? James Snow. White guy. Oh, like Jon Snow. But that don't sound like a real name. That's like an alias.

No, that is his name. He run it from the law? He run it from somebody? No. That's not on his birth certificate. That's not on James. He's English. And then he's here in the States now?

Yeah, he run it from something. James Snow, my ass. Next friend. All right. So, best friend. Okay, Chusky Spencer. Are these just your ethnic friends? Yeah.

Oh, he's Native American. Of course he is. You have a Native American friend? Mm-hmm. God bless you. How did you do that? I don't know. I know him from the neighborhood, Williamsburg.

He's in the Twilight movies. I've never seen any of them. Yeah, he plays Sam. Yeah, me neither. He plays Sam. Shout out to Sam, I guess. Shout out. He was on the Orbit Gum one time, a pack of Orbit Gum.

I was like, oh, that's my friend. Sounds like he's doing really well. Is he doing well? He wasn't for a while, because that series ended a while ago. Because that's how it works for ethnic people. The only one. He just got a new gig. We got to start from the bottom.

He got a new gig. So, Anthony, what's a common misconception that people have about white dudes? What is something that you hear people say, and you're like, that's wrong? Oh. Nothing. Everything is right. You're probably pretty on about it. Dead on.

but see but not for me though because my life was kind of weird and different you're weird different from a regular white man

how give me two things that make your life weird and different than like a regular okay well okay so I didn't have a there were no fraternities

at the school I went to oh man poor you there was like no rape on campus oh oh you think only frat dudes rape people hockey teams rape

lacrosse teams there was no sports there was no organized sports in my school there was no organized okay so there were no sports. There was a boomerang team in my college. What the fuck is that? There was a nude

beach on campus. And you could go see your professors? They weren't there. There was a nude... Okay, it doesn't sound like you were in a school. It was a school. There were no grades. There were no sports teams and there were no fraternities. You know what the school mascot was? A gooey duck

clam. I don't even know what... That sounds disgusting. That's a combo. A gooey duck clam. They're gross. I ate one at La Bernardin last year. Oh, excuse Excuse me. La Bernardin. La Bernardin.

Best restaurant in New York City. Can we talk about this place, please? Yeah, we should go. Plug some stuff. We'll go. We should definitely go. It's like prefix 125 bucks or something, which is amazing. And it's got the best seafood.

It's amazing because that's like cheap prefix? It's cheap as fuck. Per person, it's 125? Yeah. And you guys heard that here on the unofficial experts. 125 per person prefix is cheap. Yeah, that masa place. And he said, we'll go, meaning Anthony will pay.

Well, that's not cheap for me. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't ask you to pay. Look at that. That's very rude. What a gentleman. What a gentleman. Anthony, how are you still single?

Yeah. How? What are you doing wrong to these ladies that they're not staying? Or are you just attracted to, like, crazy women? Why do people always ask, like, there's something wrong with you? No, or are you just attracted to, like, crazy women who don't want to settle down? You want to know the last girl I dated? They're dumb.

That's the issue. No, no, it's not that. Okay, I dated... The last girl I was dating was a stripper. Well, that's probably why she didn't settle in. That was unusual for me, though. She told me she worked at a juice store. How is it unusual?

A juice store? Yeah, and then I'm like, wait a second. A juice store. Okay, because I heard J-E-W-S. And then I'm like, wait a second. You live in Soho by yourself. You have fake breasts. Shit isn't adding up.

Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Hold a minute. Let's talk about these fake... So you're saying somebody who's got fake titties can't, like... Work at a juice bar? Yeah. You can, but you're going to live by yourself in Soho?

Where in Soho? I mean, Soho is beautiful. Maybe she's doing overtime. Maybe she's selling juice on the side. She's selling... She's stripping. She's juicing at home. That's what she's doing.

She gave me a lap dance so hard that the bartender came at a dive bar, was like, knock it off, guys. And I was like, you're a stripper. That bartender was hating. that bartender was mad because she had done that to him last Thursday yeah it was a female bartender

the hate was real yeah female you can't real Cherry Tavern okay real recognize real wow

okay so I am so she was a stripper where did you meet this stripper air I met her on OkCupid is strippers on OkCupid

that have like own apartments in Soho it's hard out here for everybody it looks like they might be looking for other clients

you know that might just be like the whole front. So did you guys date or did you guys... No, we date. We dated. It was hot for like...

Now, when you say date, what do you mean? Anal sex? Specify. On the first date. Wait. Marie just knocked the whole shit over.

She's like, wait, what? And I had just got my test results back and I fucked it up because I didn't use a condom. So now I'm kind of pissed. I'm sorry. Wait.

Anal sex on the first night? Yeah. And then you got your results and then you were like, yes, put it in your butt. I had just got my test results, so how did I celebrate it? With unprotected anal sex. Anybody who let you put it in their butt the first time

is suspicious. I know. Did you though? I gotta get tested. I feel like that's like the top five things white men do. What, anal sex? Yeah, they're like, I'm gonna put it in your ass on the first night. Like, don't give no fucks. I hooked up with a

Italian dude, and that was the first thing he tried to do, was put it in my ass and i was like hold on i know you're wearing creed cologne that's like that's like 250 a bottle but no like what's wrong with you oh my god creed cologne he bought me a dress from zara so i was like zara does not equal anal no the math is off the creed and the zara combined that still don't no no you don't get anal what so what happened you jumped up and left or did you stay i was like that's not happening and he's like you live a little live a little live a little i want to be able to sit a little okay and i was in his apartment in soho oh maybe they're roommates

and no but it was like an old like is it pre-war apartment i was like i'm not gonna do anal and this this is dusty compared to like where i should be doing anal this is not no it should be yeah but the old buildings like they had like character i don't give a fuck about a character i want brand new wood i want brand new walls i want nice countertops nah you can't renovate a pre-war it wasn't renovated if it was renovated would you let him put it in your butt everything was off the hinges there was dust places that shouldn't be dusty uh i want new toilet seats nah yo where did you meet this he that apartment the building was probably worth still like good money where the money at i didn't see the money in the apartment it was on the tip of his dick

he's trying to put it in your butt that's where the money was he's trying to give me the jewels on the tip of that tip of the dick no they're in his safety deposit box now listen and his couch i was like what kind of fabric is this your couch was an ikea couch it was it felt worse than ikea it was like renaissance oh no you may not do anal on this renaissance ass fucking sofa okay so you guys walked into the house through the foyer and then he threw you on the couch and tried to put there was no four year either i was like you're not doing anal you ain't got a four year Foyer Yeah, you don't pronounce the R

Foyer For my Ignorance I like foyer Better So you have a foyer But you ain't got That's where Usama is sleeping in

Oh, we gotta bleep that shit again? Fuck He's sleeping in the The other hallway Like that's the foyer The foyer is Is the hallway to the apartment Like you're not even in the apartment yet

It's just a long hallway to get inside. Yeah, that's racist. How does that work? You got some nice people. Some people put like little couches or like a little bench. Like a bench, yeah. Oh, I step over him in the morning. And so does the stripper.

That probably makes you feel really good. No, I was happy. As a white man, stepping over people. As a brown man. That's a number one. That's top two things as a white man is stepping over brown people. Yo, that is. Excuse me.

Pardon me? Pardon. Anthony, we have a couple questions for you. We want to test your knowledge. Yeah, we've got to test you to make sure you are the unofficial white guy expert. Oh, I'm a white guy expert. Okay, so she's going to hit you with some questions. Yep, let's do this.

We're going to find out. Have you ever been to a horse derby? Yes. You said you were supposed to know. Okay, what kind of shoes does one wear to a horse derby? Wing tips. I don't know. That sounded right.

That sounded really good. seersucker suit come on seersucker that is he's right on the head you get extra points for that yeah that's that's who that's the bonus right there okay how would you cat call a young lady

I don't cat call no no no don't as a white man how would a white man cat call if somebody passed you on the street and you're like oh I need to speak with her don't give him any hints Marie How do you go about that? You mean like, how do I stop her on the street?

Yes, yes. You can't stop somebody. How would I stop her? Come on, Anthony. What would you say? Somebody walks by, you're like, oh, I got this. Don't try to act like white men don't catcall. They do.

You guys do do that to me all the time. Think about it. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I love you. I want to have your baby. that's all i got some niggas didn't say that before hey girl i want to have your baby yeah you got a man all right well you ugly then keep walking what what what would the greeting be up top what's the first thing hello i would like to meet you my name is anthony that's how i would

do it so i would like to meet you my name is anthony there it is that's all i would ever do Okay Anthony this is This is why white men are failing at catcalling That's why we don't even That was a catcall? Nah This isn't even a catcall Would you be touching her elbow while you were saying this? Yeah the small

The small of her back I was raised by women come on It sounds like you raised yourself And you were raised by your dad's Fully stocked fridge Here finish this sentence Do you know who my blank is? Well that's a setup

I'm not saying it Do you know who my blank is? I'm not saying it Just what word goes right there I just put the word in your head Is what I just did No you can answer that No I'm not saying it

Well I mean Why? What do you think goes in that What I just said You guys We all know what I'm talking about No I didn't say it

Do you know who my blank is? My blank is Do you know who my blank is? Yeah Do you know who my accountant is? Oh my god We were looking for a father Do you know who my dad is?

Oh my god Anthony, you're terrible. Anthony, that is a whiter response than what we wrote down. Because no one cares about your accountant. Who has an accountant? Except for a white man? Or they could be like,

call my lawyer. Call my lawyer. You said I'm not answering that. What did you think? Oh, my God. Anthony. I thought you didn't tell me this was me being a white guy.

I thought you were asking me a different question. You were a white guy, so your response is supposed to be... Yeah, we're asking you... Yeah, but when you said it, read the question again. Do you know who my blank is?

Yeah, I thought you were setting me up Because it's like, yo, you know who my Who's my Yeah, see, that's what I was talking about If you had said that, that would have been An even whiter response than what we Thought we were going to get from you How many points? That's a half a point

I think there's going to be, no, that was like two points The accountant thing was More white than father I guess so No one would know who your accountant is Yeah, but that's something that a white dude would say though Like, he said it like, damn, accountant. Oh, my God.

We're going to ask you one more. No, I thought there was two more. Okay, we're going to ask you two more because these questions are good, and your responses have been amazing. They're awful, but I'll take it. What? Okay, so this is a design. What is the overlay of intersecting lines on solid diamonds?

It's like a shirt. It's a type of shirt, but it's a pattern on a shirt or a sweater. Read it again. I'm supposed to know this? Yeah, overlay. Oh, like Argyle? There you go with your modest ass. Like, what is that?

What is that, Argyle? You knew what the fuck it was. Shut up. Did you see that? He was like pausing like, oh, what is that, Argyle? I'm supposed to know this? Yeah. What is Argyle?

Come on. So 2009. Who wears that? No one wears that. Can you name two types of horses? Okay, those Budweiser horses, what are they? Those are the, what do you call those? The Clydesdales.

Uh-huh. And then a thoroughbred, right? Yeah. Is that a horse? Yeah, that's a horse. If somebody asked me that question, I'd be like a black horse and a brown horse. That's what I would have said.

No, a thoroughbred. Okay, when they taught me how to ride when I was a kid, they taught me eastern, not western. Anthony, you're so white. Anthony, you are winning in the white guy department. you're there so what's next for you like where

like where what is your life taking you next what do I gotta do I gotta get my show together till the money runs out

it's gonna be a show what kind of show it's kind of loosely based on me it's like this older guy just running out of money and I gotta figure it out

awful before before it runs out when is his money gonna run out he's got three weeks he's set for life you only have three weeks

he's got three weeks left okay this sounds interesting no I like this No life skills, and he might have mental problems. He's not sure. This is loosely based on you, or like all the way based on you? Kind of a lot based on you. That's a lot.

No, but that's a lot of white guys, though. Yeah. I think it sounds good. Yeah, but like, you know how everyone's show has like the stand-up comedy at the beginning, like Seinfeld, Louis, Amy Schumer? Well, I would just be like this dumbass open mic comic just on stage at the beginning. Is that the title you're giving yourself? What is it?

Well, I'm just saying that that's the reality, right? So I would be doing it from the point of view of not succeeding. Here's this guy that has all the advantages, but kind of didn't take advantage of it. You were given the world. Yeah. Six generations of luxuries. I don't have any debt, though.

That's good. That's all. You know what? I feel like that's a good place to end it. And no criminal record. I feel like that's a good place to end it. Well, because we know who your attorney is. We know who your debt is.

Do you know who my attorney is? Let me call my lawyer, okay? I'm not speaking without my attorney present. But whenever they're getting whisked away, they're like, call my lawyer. Call my lawyer. I will not stand for this. Before we go...

Call Brian. Can we all close with a really white line? Yeah. Really white. Really white. I'm going to think of mine. Sydney, you think of yours. Okay.

But before we do that, we just want to remind everybody that you can see Sydney and I at the warm-up on the second Saturday. Every month at Karma Lounge. And it's very free. And it's free as fuck. And it's $5 drinks and $4 wine and $3 beer.

And we'll be there probably in like a crab top. And it's actually one of the top two comedy shows in the city. And I'm not lying. It really is. What's the other show? Whiplash. Oh, okay. I'll give you that.

Yeah, we'll take that. We'll give you that. Are you guys ready with your white lines? Yeah. Okay. Who's going to go first? Are you ready? Sure.

Okay, go ahead. I got to start. Yeah. White guys first. Oh, yeah. All right. I prefer Bernays to Hollandaise. Oh, my God.

What is that? What is Bernays? You put that on steak, and Hollandaise you put on your eggs, Benedict. Oh, my God. Go ahead, Sydney. What is your name? What is your name? Can I get your name, please?

Here's mine. I'd like to speak to the manager. Thank you. I feel like that was it. Yeah, that was... But what is your name? It's very similar to... Can I speak to the manager?

Okay, here's mine. Excuse me. A word? Yes. Perfect. Oh, my God, that's it. This has been the unofficial expert. Anthony, you were awesome.

Anthony, thank you. You're definitely winning. We will crown you right now. You are... Unofficial white man expert. Yes, that was great. You were so fun. I love that.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Bye, guys. Stay wise and smart. And if you're away, stay that. Stay wise. Because you guys are winning right now. Bye.

Bye. For you, the listeners of the Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. So to earn that $25 of free driving credit, go to JoinZipcar.com slash UnofficialExperts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts to earn free driving credit.