MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The White Women Whisperer Expert" with Hugues Faustin

Episode Date: January 6, 2017

Another episode to talk about! This time around; Sydnee & Marie end up talking with Marie's brother about his expertise in dating White women.Marie and Sydnee learn how to throw SHADE in the newest episode of The Unofficial Expert, Tune in and share!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

To the listeners of the Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. So to earn that $25 of free driving credit, go to JoinZipcar.com slash UnofficialExperts. Again, that's JoinZipcar.com slash UnofficialExperts to earn free driving credit. You are listening to the Unofficial Expert. Hey. Hi. It's Sidney. And Marie.

Wait, I said my name wrong. No, it's just Sidney. Thank you. It's Sidney. It's Sidney. I said Sidney. I feel like you were saying the same thing. Sidney.

Sidney. I hate you. And you are listening to the unofficial expert where we are smart as hell. Yes, we are. We're experts in pretty much everything and anything. We're experts in everything, like your dad and how to not go to the dentist in time. We're experts in everything. You're so disrespectful.

How did I not pick up poop on the subway? Huh? What? You're talking about people's dads? Yeah. Some people got some sexy ass dads. Ken, show me one, because I have not seen any. That's because you don't know your dad, so you don't see no other dads.

Here is Marie being rude once again. But do you know your father? Papa, can you hear me? Sidney's dad cannot. I could call my dad right now. Tell me how. And he might pick up. Maybe.

How many times your dad picks up, like, on the first ring? my dad he he's old so like it's not like he like knows how to pick up you know he has to get his glasses to see who's calling and then he has to like he's looking at the phone he's like holding it away from his face you don't know him okay but he might probably pick up he sends me one one text a year he texts me on my birthday every year what does he say happy birthday princess he texts me on my but if i scroll up it's like every september 23rd that's the whole convo. I thought your birthday was the 22nd. It's the 23rd. You don't even know me.

No, I don't. Sydney, what were you an expert in this week? This week, I was an expert in like curving text messages. What that mean? Just not answering them for hours, maybe a day or two.

Just letting them sit. Because you were busy or you're trying to seem busy? I'm just trying to let them sit. You're trying to look busy. No, no, no. I be busy. Okay. Okay. I be's in these streets. Do you though?

These calles. Is it calles? How do you say it in Spanish? I don't speak that. Calles. Me no hablo le Spanish. I be in these streets though, and I was busy, but I usually write back right away, and I'm trying to get it out of that habit.

Because you look desperate. That's right. You got to wait. Sometimes I don't even respond. There are people still waiting for a text from me from 2006. It's the way for me to respond And how do you do that? Maybe you're the expert at doing that

I'm an expert at like No, this is what Okay, I'm good at seeming busier than I am You know, playing that text game You text me I put the phone down, walk away, come back I do that I do that

But the problem is that I'll do that And then I might text you And then I see that you're on Instagram Me? Yes, you What? I'll see that you have commented on something on Facebook And I'm like, okay

so I text this bitch she can't text me back I know that she's looking okay but I feel like we've discussed this already when you text me if you just text me hey or hi I'm not gonna respond because you could have just said hey Marie what's up or hey Marie do you want to go get some shorts at H&M or hey Marie I got cocaine at the crib like you don't hit me with a hey and then I hit you with a hey I'm starting the conversation okay so you say hey and then I say hey and then you say what's up and then i say what's up and then you're like and then eight texting you're like i got cocaine at the crib and i'm like well i could have already been you know on the train i'm i'm trying to do my best at ignoring text messages so what i do is i just think everybody is an ex so i'll

just sit and stare at the text message but i won't actually write back it sounds it just comes back to you not saying you're that busy it sounds like you're just looking at the phone and waiting for the time to, okay, how about you ignore Snapchat? How about that? I was doing that too. I was ignoring Snapchat. You know what I used to be really good at is like somebody, like if somebody, like a dude that I was talking to,

if I wanted to talk to him, but like not really speak to him, like I would call him and then like put the phone in my purse and then let him just listen to all the fun I was having. That is awful. That's how you end up dead. No, that was me, that was a long time ago. That was like

2007. Because it was in your pocket or your bag? I would leave it on the table. Because if it was in your pocket, then it would sound like you're having sex. Because I've had a lot of people butt down me.

And I'm like, are they sex? No. But them walking, like maybe around the house, I'm like, it sounds like they fucking in there. Somebody called me once

while they were having sex and left a voicemail on my phone of them banging. So she's an expert at not locking her phone properly. Dirty hoes. All right.

We had a good week. Wait, you didn't even know what I was an expert in. You didn't even let me talk about my expertise nobody cares what were you an expert in i don't remember now see i don't even remember what i had prepared for the podcast oh you oh you were at the gym oh i was an expert at curving dudes at the gym in bike shorts how do you do that because they're a bit aggressive at times well yeah that's what these dudes at the gym they'd be uh they'd be super uh what's the

word they're very obvious when they press you when they're doing just their upper body workouts nobody's legs are toned you can tell by their calves that they doing absolutely nothing i was doing something this guy came up to me he's like oh can i work out with you i was like no you can't and then they want to come home and show you about form and you're like you have no form yeah he was like the way that you're supposed to do this chest press is just to your chest i was like if you don't back up duane and kwame get out of here kwame and then when i was getting ready to leave He was like, that's it? I was like, I've been here for an hour, okay?

I got to go. I got things to do. And he was like, you didn't even, just that's it? Just an hour? You know what the problem with the gym is, is that people usually come there, and they come there on a regular. So if you curve them, they're going to see you again, and it's awkward. So how do you do it without having any problems?

I'm really good at looking through people. Like, sometimes a dude will sit in your face and wait for you to look at him, and I will look at everything except him. Oh, my God. Like, I look around him. I look at his forehead, and he'll try to jump up to catch my eyes, and I will look at his, like, shoulders. Like, I'm very good at not making eye contact.

My problem is that I make a lot of eye contact at the gym. That's because you don't know how to navigate society. I look because people are just wild in the gym. Like, this guy was wearing neon gloves, but there was no fingers. It was, like, fingerless. Right, so he wouldn't get calluses. Cindy, you don't know anything about the gym. okay let's just let's start the podcast because i see where you going and you're going the wrong

way they had no fingers but were his fingers cold at the gym no the weights be chilled so sydney is an expert at not knowing nothing at the damn gym sydney's the one using all the machines backwards and getting ready to hurt to hurt herself i do them right okay and i use hand sanitizer on everything the chest press backwards she's like This is for your shoulder blades. Anyway, Sydney. It's always leg day. Win the gym.

For me. Yeah, because you'll be on that treadmill for three hours watching Kelly and Michael. Or Kelly and Regis or whatever. Okay, Sydney. You're really smart at what you did this week. Yes. And not at all smart about what I did this week. Shut up.

And I'm pretty smart at both. So, I'm doing really well. I'm so excited for this guest. It's actually a family member of yours. So wild. For Christ's sake. Today we have my brother here. My brother Hugus Faustin is here.

Ah, damn it. I said his last name. Yeah. Well, we would just assume that it's Faustin anyway. Thank you, Sydney. Shh, your face. Hey. And we call him Hug.

Hug in French. I'm not calling him Hug. Well, there will be no Hug coming out of my mouth. Hey, Hug. Hug. You said it pretty good, though. I'm going to be like, what up, nigga? Oh, that's that nigga Hug.

oh man i feel like that's how my uh goddaughter's family says my name and they've known me for like uh too damn long they'd be like i'll be like yo aren't you guys haitian how do you how do you spell your name the name is spelled h-u-g-u-e-s no h between the g and the u um because people be like hughes like say hughes uh i'll give them my name right they'll know my name is right and They'll be like, um, Hughes. I'll be like, didn't I just write it for you? Hughes? And it gets me kind of tight, but I'm like over it now.

I used to hate it, but now I'm just like, yo, just get the check right. Just get the name right on the check. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, because they got to get that right, because you got to get paid. Because then I don't get my cash. Well, I deposit my money in the ATM, so I don't have to deal with the bank tellers. Oh. Yeah.

No direct deposit for you? I mean, sometimes, but, you know, some of these checks be really little. And it's not even worth it. I'll be like, just send the damn check, MTV. Anyway. You know, one time I actually had a check, a residual check, talking about. Oh, look at that. You hear that plug?

Residual check. Oh, that's right, ladies and gentlemen. He's an actor. He acts. I mean, acting, you know what I'm saying? He's an actor. You got some stuff coming up. We're going to talk about it.

But really, we want to introduce you and your expertise today. He is the white woman whisperer. Yes, I am. The white woman whisperer Expert When you say that It feels like your breath is hot Like

I know that it's not But it just feels I mean I did just have A Chobani yogurt So it's quite warm Oh man So let's talk about These white women

AKA the black man's kryptonite That's what they call it Oh here we go Oh my goodness Your brother is like And go He's so official with his white woman expertise.

My brother is like, you know how Taye Diggs wrote that book? Yeah. He was like, my son is not black, he's mixed. Oh, man.

And it was like, Taye, when the cops stop this nigga, they're not going to be like, oh, he's mixed. He's only partial black. They're going to be like, no, he's black.

And then he's going to be like, but my dad is Taye Diggs. And they'll be like, who's that nigga? No, they're going to shoot him right in the nose. That nigga that was dating Idina,

what's the name that John Travolta called him? It was like, Adele Menzing or whatever. Adele Menzing? That dude that was dating Adele Menzing? Oh, we're shooting, isn't it? You know, John Travolta's stupid.

Where's the nearest tree to lynch this nigga? Oh, no. Oh, no. Why'd you have to bring his own down? Way to bring the mood down. I usually cross the line. He is a habitual line crossing. He don't even know where the line is.

Yeah, he can't draw a line. I'm like Ray Charles to the line. It's not there, you know what I'm saying? There you go. You see? Terrible. He knows. So you are our white woman expert today.

Can you talk to us about your history in white woman-ness? When did you realize that you liked white girls? When did I realize that I was addicted to the... To the pink nips? Addicted to the pink nips. You're on record saying that you're addicted to the pink nips. I mean, they taste nice. This is terrible. I gotta go.

Yeah, I'm pretty bad. I'm pretty bad. Um, when did I realize that? Ah, man, it was early on in the, when I was a young laddie. Hugh, this is a, this is an intervention. This is really to be like, you got a problem and you got to get your life together. This is not a real podcast. I think I was like in third grade. I seen this chick and I was like, wow.

I was like, why do I like this one better than the one that looks like me in color? How was your grades? You were worried about that? Okay. Let's talk about those grades. How many stars were you getting? I'm active for a reason. How many stickers were on your worksheet?

For one, I didn't even pass sequential two. Oh, my God. It's always the dumb ones. So don't ever give me your accountant books, because that shit is getting fucked up. So your first white girlfriend was how old were you? No, I mean, I discovered the white sugar when I was like third grade.

Are you the Christopher Columbus of white women now? Blimmin' Ralph didn't land on us. You know what I'm saying? Of course. Gwyneth Paltrow didn't land on us. We let it on Gwyneth Paltrow. This is one small step for us and one giant for the white ladies. Oh, my God.

This is so terrible. This is going to be the worst reviewed podcast. Oh, man. People are going to write in. People are going to be like, uh. That's right. You know what I mean? They're going to be like, why I had jade eggs on them?

Is that Terrence Howard that y'all had on? They're going to be Terrence Howard ass. That sound like Blair Underwood. Okay, so your first girlfriend was who? Do you remember? Man, my first crush, I mean, I didn't have a girlfriend. that young. But my first crush

was this chick by the name of Amanda. Amanda. There it is. She will remain, not that one, not that one. That came on later in life.

That one, this was in third grade. What was Amanda's last name? She will remain nameless because I don't need her to be switching up. Yeah, I think that's smart. No last name.

Okay, so this girl Amanda, I'm sure it's like Amanda Richardson. She was real cute Real cute white girl You know what I'm saying Real Fine

Fine Fine blonde hair You know what I'm saying Probably all fell out by now Probably Probably Probably had lice About three times

You know she had lice She had chicken pox And lice And she had shingles Damn Can't forget polio She had them weak ass Knees

That was a triple threat Right there Better that than cankles That's And then Ugg was like Oh I need me To get me some of that

Some of that I just thought it was so brittle, and I was like, yo, that would be really cool to break in half. Ew. You were 10 years old? In third grade? No, he was insane age. I've had a wild life in terms of, you know, y'all was a sex addict. Okay.

So who was your first, so what happened to Amanda? Nothing. She was cute, and I was in third grade. Yeah, nothing happened because you were in third grade. Exactly. I was in third grade. I asked you about your first girlfriend. Oh, my first girlfriend was a chick by the name of, hold on, let me go through my white lady Rolodex.

I can't even take this man seriously. White lady Rolodex. I think her name was, well, I might have thought she was my girlfriend, but she might have not really wanted me. You were just a stalker? Or she banged somebody else? Actually. You were like, I thought you had Bobby's locker. I thought I told you to meet me at my locker on third period.

Her name was Melissa. Okay, another white woman name. Yeah, yeah, extra white. I know a black Melissa pup. She probably speaks really good American Standard. What? Ew, shut your black ass up. Okay, so how old were you when you were with Melissa?

I was seventh grade, matter of fact. That was pretty young. Yeah. That was your first kiss though, right? Yeah, that was the first kiss. I remember that. Yeah, she said I ate half of her face. Ah, the big black lips.

The big lips. It was like Darth Vader. They couldn't handle her. I am. Ew, ew. Disgusting Seventh grade? Yeah, seventh grade

She actually made me real conscious about my lips after that When I heard she said that The devil I ate half her face Just the devil And yet he was like I still want these thin-lipped women In my life

Sidney, did you ever manage When you first got a boyfriend? Or girlfriend? I was much older I was definitely in In high school Okay That's good

That's good okay okay or or no i was 14 which is ninth tenth grade i think so yeah yeah i think it's ninth grade okay all right thank you uh did you have anything you wanted to ask about melissa i mean that's weird that she made you self-conscious about your lips and then you kept kissing yeah she didn't have any lips yeah i know she did it but that's not your fault It came back full circle though It came back full circle Because later on actually

He's like It came back full circle Because she said my dick Her lips was big enough for that Actually she did She did But they were definitely too small But check it out though

She came back later on And she was like She was infatuated with my lips later on Ooh infatuated Word of the week She was like She was like yo um you have such a beautiful lips i was like bitch a couple years ago you told me my lips was

mad small had me you know cutting out half of my lips on my you know that's how the devil does it school they had they had to knock you down i used to have like the ugliest smile because i would like try to cover half of my lip like as i was like posing i don't remember i feel like there's photos at the crib from you at picture day you're showing all of your teeth what yeah it was like i was like fifth fifth grade you know that wasn't second seventh grade yet you know so when did you when did you find a black girl that you're like oh she fine oh uh yesterday in college what it took you 18 years that's a lie because the black chicks that i grew up with they really wasn't feeling me because yes but wait let's talk hold on let's get to why weren't they feeling you

that wasn't feeling me at first what shoes were you wearing where you had what are those on did you have a pair of what are those it was air what are those air what are those oh are those the Nike what are those

oh my god nah I grew up in a you know my sister I'll tell you I grew up in we grew up in a like a strict family you know

traditionally Haitian family and what not and you know our parents really had a lot to a heavy handle on us yeah we had to wear

dress shoes with jeans oh my god to church and school I wasn't even allowed to wear pants as a little kid. First day of school, we had to wear church clothes, so the teacher knew that we were well-dressed children. And my parents would always fish for that compliment. Like, yo, what they say about you?

You dress good today? I see. Did they say anything about your hair? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, West Indians don't do that. So that's why the black girls weren't feeling it. So I had every single color of corduroy in my suit.

You had a mustard corduroy. A rusty one, too. It was a brown corduroy pant. So it was cool You know So chicks wasn't The chicks that I grew up with The black chicks that were around me

And plus I was from the hood too So like They really wasn't checking For a corduroy dude With some bluey boat shoes on They definitely weren't They were definitely not You know what I mean

They would definitely look for like They was definitely looking for like Size 13 Jordans You know with the dudes With the oversized When you're in 7th grade No You ever seen them dudes

With like the fitted hats That be like Like 10 sizes too big for them The baggy fitteds Yeah the baggy fitteds Like baggy magnums Which I know chicks hate I mean

I'm sure it wasn't just about your clothes Well I mean you know I was a late bloomer too What do you mean late bloomer? I don't understand guys who are late bloomers like late bloomer sounds like you're are you going to grow breasts or anything the only thing that you're going to

be growing is your penis that's it Well that's still growing Oh god we're done It's over It might actually pop up on Cindy Lapp in like 3, 2, 1 Oh my god Please put your

I'm calling mommy If you pull your dick out And then call 9-1-1 Someone please call 9-1-1 This podcast is a mess So you never were interested In any black women In school

Because they didn't like you No I was So when did you How old were you When you found one And you were like Oh she cute I love those braids

Actually She look like in high school in high school there was a couple fly black shorties oh I remember that you remember them

some of them yeah there was a couple fly black shorties I mean a couple of them got babies now yeah a couple of them try to hit up the gram now

and I'm like who were you well yeah cause you're posting those pictures of you like in some Calvin Klein thongs on a bear skin rug

leopard print Calvin Klein thongs I would run in your DMs too like what is going on? What are those? And the credit clean, too. I mean, your DM like, I don't know if you remember

this, but I sat next to you in sequential one-man and you has like, he's like, hashtag modeling on there, too. He's like, hashtagging all this shit. Hashtag black skin. Trying to get my followers up, baby. been trying to get my followers hashtag bulge hashtag can you feel it in your throat hashtag

melissa you won't see my lips now bitch all at me okay so what did when was the first black girlfriend uh well the first black girlfriend actually um i met her in church her name was jim look at god you know i'm saying god was working in my life he was like yo we gonna bring you back to africa is she african no she was just black i guess she's african i don't know african-american maybe i feel like she was like a watered-down jamaican probably what was her name her edges was weird but she was still listen it is hard edges are rough it is not i wanted to give one of them throwback curling combs you hush your mouth guy as a woman who knows how hard edges are to one lay down

and grow it's not an easy thing so stop judging the edges black girl scolding is real now the edgeless black girl and he's real i'm like but you got nice here though city i see you And Jemima Press on and everything. Shut up. Put your... Can you just... Oh, man. She's trying to make me eat this mic.

No, I'm not. I'm just trying to make sure we get all of your ignorance. Oh, okay. No, that's cool. This is an enlightening hour. So Jen was a little watered down Jamaican girl from church. Yeah, she was cool. She was cool people.

That was my first black chick. She was cool. She was cool. No, she was. That was my first black chick. I was friends with her. I wanted to get in with her sister, too. She was light-skinned.

See, that's the problem. She was in the metal yellow chicks. That's the problem with you guys. But I didn't. See, I didn't. I didn't. What did you say? I said, see, that's the problem with you dudes.

You could have just had one. Why are you, oh, her sister too. Pokemon. Gotta catch them all. You don't have to catch them all. Did you just watch the cartoon? You know, Pokemon Go got everybody losing their life out in these streets. You're hitting all the notes right now.

Gotta catch them all. Can we R&B that up? Gotta catch em all Something like that You know You're so dumb Chris Brown ended up Gotta

Gotta Gotta catch em all Okay so Anthony Hamilton Gotta Put some collard greens on it Gotta catch em all Put some mac and cheese on that

Put some slavery on it Gotta Put some chitlins nigga Gotta Catch em That's Anthony Hamilton My sister needs help

Listen We need to get to the bottom of this Yes we really do So as a black man Who dates white women Regularly Regularly Regularly

So how do you Approach a white woman In these streets Oh it's not easy I'm already black So it's half done for me Okay But what about the black

The white women who are like Ew get away Tyrone Well They'll come back around I don't think anybody who says that Who would say that He's You're good looking

You're attractive For sure So what is like Okay So how you How you get into these white women Like if Marie Oh you just compliment

Like all clothes that Taye Diggs would wear. I would look like him. Yeah, and Stella got her groove back. If I cut all my hair off, I would look like my brother. Yeah. People say we look like fraternal twins. All the time. Same kind of abs.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. The ab game is real. But, you know, how I approach them is easy. You know, every woman, black, white, you know, Spanish, whatever, they like to be complimented. You know, they like to know that when they woke up and they put on whatever they put on, and it was like, you know, I really want to hear. i really wish people could see marie's face right now because she's like looking at him like nigga shut up shut your ass no but it's true women do like to be complimented but it's different like

some dudes will be like hey hey that ass fat and then you're like okay that ass fat thank you but then other people just come over and be like hey i just want to save a great smile and then you're like go away cornball yeah so how are you approaching these white women at starbucks uh Well, how am I approaching these white women at Starbucks? It's, you know, you just make eye contact with them. And then after that, you just smile. You know, show a little bit of... And you have all your teeth, so that works.

You have all your teeth. Bacon soda helps, you know what I mean? So you smile, you know, you approach them real quick, and you just say, hey, how are you? You know, how's it going, man? Did you do that? Hey, how are you? You got to make sure you got, like, you know,

I'm a guy that likes to work out, so everybody likes to be seen with somebody that is... That looks good. You know, that, you know... So, you're a trophy. Okay. So, you know... But, okay, everybody likes to be seen with people who look good, you said?

Yeah. Because I feel like you like to also date a chubbier, a heftier, if you will, white woman. I don't want to call them chubby or heftier. I said heftier. I don't want to say any of that. I just want to say the face. Your faces are very particular. Chub is cool.

You know, you got it. You know, a little chub is cool. It's sexy. You know what I mean? Once you compliment a woman on whatever her body figure is like, that's an automatic 50 points right there. Did you just snap your fingers? Automatic.

It's automatic. It's automatic. You know, women, every day, they fight with, you know, the system. The black man. The system of what, you know, this country kind of embeds in their head, which is what their view of beauty is. And they can't get it. Everything that you're saying could be real,

but this coming out your mouth is like, nah. Nah. I'm saying, you know, you just got to pay attention to whatever that woman's body figure is. So you go up to this woman and you're just like, hey, you're shaped like a pear. Or, hey, I see that you're shaped like an apple. Or, hey, you're shaped like an orange. If I got the right amount of drinks in me and she do too, then sometimes I hit her with the real. An orange, you glad to see me?

Okay, let's do a reenactment. I'm going to be, I don't know, Melissa. And let me see what you, give me something. Okay, yeah, you guys are at a target. So I'm looking at you, but you know how they look, but they're like, oh, I'm scared. Okay, ready, scene, go. Hey, how are you today? How are you today?

Hi. You doing all right? Is that rosé? Yeah, I mean, you want some? What are those? Okay, I'm going to have to pause here. You buying people rosé now? Hey, you listen.

The acting checks be on point sometimes. I can spend a little bit. So wait, you get your check, and you're like, immediately, you're like, I'm going to go to the bar and buy somebody a drink. Nah. Yes, exactly. I go to the bar, and I'm like, which white lady's on my list? I feel like we haven't gotten to how you're an expert at white women.

I want to know how- How are they different from black women? They're easy to pick up. They're real easy to pick up. They just want you to basically walk up to them and grab them mentally and be like, listen, I'm here. You said grab them mentally? Yeah cause you know you grab

Like physically and the cops gonna come And shoot you Well sometimes Well they used to grab us back in the You know slave fields when they Husbands was going so It's so Hashtag history

He's so fake deep You are fake deep With your Calvin Klein thongs on I be getting real deep When it matters But yeah like I said You know, you just walk up to him You just be yourself

Make him laugh Everybody likes to laugh Yeah, that's true I think a lot of women like a funny guy You like to laugh No, women like funny guys And I do Hugh, do you think they're laughing at you

Or laughing with you? Whichever one doesn't matter As long as they're laughing Because I'm going to use that to bag you later on Okay, alright You know, whether it be against me You really ain't going to laugh against me Because I look like

Yo, Hugh is a mess Okay, so Hugh is i feel like i should give you guys a little background on him he's an actor he works out he's very um fit he looks like marie but like a guy so he if i had like a tiny bit like beard stubble that's what i would probably still have more beard than him but he's very attractive coming in he's a good looking guy when i first saw you i was like oh wow that's your brother yeah he's he's a charismatic dude and then he started talking i was like oh wow marie that's your brother damn but he like so people meet him he's very charismatic they like him right away

but your white friends love him oh white people love they they want you right away sydney they adore him okay that's the word they love him how many white women have you been with Girl, we don't even have enough time Man, the list Just give us Just give us like a ballpark At least 40 That's it?

That's not a lot We don't be least At least, I'm just saying at least 40? That's I don't believe that That don't even put you into major leagues

I know, you still Yeah, that's like JV numbers there Yeah Well, you know Some of them I don't talk about But We don't need to know their names He's trying to be modest right now

Yeah, you know how some dudes lie up He's like, it's 40 but it's really, you know How many? I don't know how many white women are listening right now, so, you know, I'm not trying to over... They probably

stopped listening. Oversell my mileage. They stopped listening 30 minutes ago. When they are the, what are those? Yo, they're going to be looking at my shits like, yo, damn. So how many black girls have you been with? I've been with a handful of black chicks. He said a handful, so that means one.

Maybe like 5, 10, something like that. 5 or 10 out of the 40. Nah. No, no, no. 40 is white women. That's like the watered down white list I gave you was 40. The watered down, the watered down, so who else is on the list? Because you haven't only been with 50 people. No, I haven't.

Because you be hoeing it up. Yeah, I be slinging it like a bull. So who are the rest? Spanish women? Some Spanish, yeah, some Spanish chicks. How many Spanish girls? Oh, man, oh, man. A few, a few, a good, like, I don't know.

That means two. Dos. A few. Dos. I don't know, they crazy. Yeah, so how many? I actually just had to let go on one because she was crazy. See, I don't like when men say crazy.

Because the way they say it, like, oh, like, crazy is brand new. No, this bitch is crazy. Why? What did she do that was so insane? She, you know. Did she shit on your car? Nope. Because you don't have a car.

She has a car. You have a car? Yeah, I got a car. Oh, wow. That's why he be racking it up. You know what I'm saying? When I ain't got the bed, I just got the back of my wheel. Do these white women be taking care of you?

Are they paying bills? Listen, once you let a woman know how good life feels in a sack, she'll take care of you. Okay, so when you say take care, what do you mean? Is she paying your phone bill? Buy me things. She don't got to pay the phone bill because I make my own money. I pay my own phone. But if you want to treat a brother, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, he wants to let you know. Okay, I pay my phone bill. A woman also likes to deal with a man that knows can pay his own bills. Like, can't you pay my bills? Like if you can't pay your bills She ain't gonna ask you To pay her bills These are facts

My friend was going out With this dude And on the first date Or after the first time They went out He was like And she really liked it He was like

Hey I really want to be able To take you out more But like I'm not really Working right now So I can't afford it Oh I know this friend It's her friend She's like

But I can't afford To like take you out And she was like Ugh Why would you say that to me You better make it work You better steal from Peter To pay Paul

And get us on a date At Red Lobster Or something You better steal from Peter To pay Paul So, like, and white chicks like that, they want, they deal with, you know, they don't want to deal with no dude that, a black dude that can't even pay his phone bill. This is a lie.

This is a lie. Because I saw, hold on, I was on the train. I mean, it depends on what type of white trash you talking about, because there's a lot of different types of white girls out there. You got, like, you got, like, the chicks that I holla at, which they not going to deal with no, you know, bay-based kids grow up. Most of them are trying to get their green card, so. Oh nah

Then you crossing over To other That's the European White girls Those is Oh you didn't count Those in the 40 No I didn't

No he's like I got I thought you were Talking about the American ones That's the I just said White women

Nah there's Different white women Oh my god So tell me There's American There's American Italian And then there's Italian Italian

There's Swedish And then there's just Pale And where do you fall Where do you fall On that scale What you mean Where do I fall

On that scale what kind of black are you who no i'm an equal opportunity employer you know what i'm saying so like i give the opportunity to all of them you know what i mean because at the end of the day nah i i i'm messing with my black women too you know what i'm saying you're the affirmative action for white women he's that dude from the movie that was like my brothers and sisters we must unite and then the car pulls up and it's like a a jeep with no doors and he's like mariah here Hey Becca That's it

Throw the Jordans off And then put the Freaking flip flops Both shoes No socks Yeah So What was the question

That you just asked Sydney You were asking How white women Are different than black women Yeah How are they different Man there's a world

Of differences Okay Just give us Let me put my shield up Before I get thrown My ass out of here Let's just tell me Like five differences

Between white women And black women No but be honest Yeah for real Be honest And educated Okay Don't be saying the dumb shit.

No, I won't. Well, white women are very forward with their emotions. That's wrong. I'm sorry. Wait a minute. Forward with their emotions. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Forward with their emotions. Because when you say forward, you mean like they're very open about how they feel? Yeah. Or open about wanting you. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Because when black women are forward with their emotions, they're like, they got attitudes.

Not that they got attitudes. It was there very up front. No. When black women are up front, we got attitude. Yeah. But when white women have it. It's all in the delivery. Nickel.

Mm-hmm. Exactly. As y'all fade to black. As y'all fade to black. I'm already black. It's the delivery. You know what I mean? White women, when they talk to you, they talk to you from a real docile perspective.

And then after that, when black chicks talk to you, it's more like, get the fuck out of here. No, we're just. You know what I'm saying? Why is it? North Carolina. black women do not sound like pd pablo i'll be like yo yo did you just reference that black women sound like pd pablo how dare you some of them do some of them do you are rude not an energy

be up so white women have lower energy in comparison to black women white women are forward their emotions but they docile so what does that mean that's a weird combo exactly that sounds like an oxymoron because they'll tell tell you what it is that they feel and then you ignore with him. Sometimes. Because it helps you stay on top. But at the same time, like, you know, they let you know what they feel. They let you know what they feel, and they're like,

listen, I think we need to have a talk. And you're like, about what? Um, I didn't like the way my best friend was looking at you yesterday. And you got a little too nice with her. And babe, you're mine. So, and you're like, oh, alright, fuck it, whatever.

I'm cool. Okay, so white women are four. What were their emotions? What's the number two difference between black women than white women oh man they grits don't taste the same white women don't make grits do black women even make grits anymore like i don't know how to marry moms do i don't know how to make okay so the second difference um i would say is uh the second difference i would say is that um they're willing to try a lot of things in bed that black chicks don't really want to try i feel like that's a misconception yeah there's some freaky black women out there there's some freaky black women out there gotta find them they're on a correct list no and they also have aids and i'm

good on that shut up do you hear yourself you are foolish listen black women are willing to do whatever when they're with somebody they love when they're with somebody they love okay see i don't need you and when you got racks on racks on racks on racks exactly all all of these freaking things that you ain't got? Second things that I got to deal with. If I'm on a bed of Benjamins,

yeah, we could do anal. Definitely. I'm okay with it. White chicks be like, yo, babe, I don't want in my pussy today. I just want it in my ass.

Oh, and they'll do that on an airless air mattress. No, I'm on set. For real, white women? They like to take a trip down the freaky memory lane. Okay, so white women are freaky

and black women are frigid, is what you're saying? No, not frigid. Black women are freaky, too. Yes. But it's like, it's like you giving me all these like rules i gotta abide by i'm butt ass naked

yeah dude you can't put it in my fucking ear no why not that's legit why not maybe i like ear fucking and i don't want semen on my face maybe i just want to not all up in your eardrum no no i'm a freak like that no no that's disrespectful all right you are how your how your payment plan doing like how you like how often how regularly do you get paid uh all the time do you be waiting on some checks oh i wait on checks all the time but they come all the time so it's like i don't mind waiting they're not always on time but they do be coming they come they're not on time but when they come they right on time you know okay so just give me one one final difference between white women and black women one so you said that white women are more forward

their emotions and they're more open-minded in bed yes what's the third thing way more open-minded in bed okay thank you yes yes is that like a big deal though like it's a man why is it a big deal about sex first of all what it's all about sex what people don't understand is that life is literally is procreate sex is procreating how many kids you got none because all the sex you've been having that you know that i know of i don't know i'm not maybe some little hugas is running around here be like get this one i gotta hear something like that you know So dumb. I'm telling mommy right after you.

She got mommy on speed dial anyway. I'm calling Poppy right now. Hello, Poppy. And white women. Can't cook with salt. Boom. Those are the three. Yeah, the seasoning game is definitely different.

That's for sure. I feel like that's grounds for termination. That's it. That's it. It is. That's why a lot of times I'll be like, you don't got to cook for me, babe. It's cool. Oh, but men be left and right talking about, oh, you need to cook for me.

You need to do this. You need to take it. Black chicks, right? Yeah. Because we know y'all know how to cook. That's bullshit. No, it's not bullshit. Yes, it is.

It is. It is BS. It's a double standard. It's not a double. Well, this world is built on double standards. Here we go. I feel like you are the Taye Diggs, Trump slash. I like that combo with a little bit of 50 Cent.

Balow. You got like a little bit of balow in you. Balow. Because it's that earth tone shirt you got on. Yeah, he's got mustard. He's wearing a mustard v-neck that's quite toit. let me give you the next uh no we already got three from you i feel like every time yeah but i feel like those i feel like those things have been said do you have anything new is there some

new discoveries about white what's different between white women and black women yeah how do you feel about talking to white women during this time like black lives matters like so many i think it's great i think it's great you think black lives matter is great yeah i think No, but like talking to a one, like if you're dating somebody of the opposite race or like a different race about what's going on, do you enjoy it? Like, do you feel like the conversations make sense? Yeah, because you really get to see where they stand. And how do most of them stand?

Well, uh. They don't. They lay down. They don't. They lay down. They lay down. They lay down in a bed with no salt in the house. I find that, I find that, um, you know, whenever like election year is coming around and stuff

like that really people show that's when you stopped dating white women nah they people really show their colors

or whatnot because everybody is so gung ho about oh I'm for this party or this party but the ones that I really

go for first of all I already know by their energy they're liberal so they're all about and I'm from New York

obviously so they're all for like you know equal equality and you know stuff like that who these white women okay so yes

you date women white women who are liberal and open minded yes they gotta be they dating black dudes yeah they've been

destroyed by black dudes okay Speaking of destroying, Starbucks is destroying the black neighborhoods in Brooklyn now with their Jova Mova Cate lattes. Name maybe

three things that you feel like go hand in hand with white girls besides Starbucks. Oh, Uggs for sure. Okay, that's one. That's in the hood too. They have a whole bunch of Uggs stores in Harlem and Brooklyn. I don't know any

ug stores in brooklyn vegans vegans vegan word it's a word vegan every white girl's like i'm gonna be vegan okay i know some black vegans but okay and then what's the third you know i feel like vegan the word vegan and black people don't really mix yeah no it's weird it's mad weird it doesn't pair it doesn't pair well it's not a good pairing it's like powdered milk exactly thank you yeah okay what's the third what's the third thing that you feel like when you think white women you think i just like the way you both of y'all just said at the same time yeah because we we got chemistry uh uh the third thing um that describes white women not even describe them you said just like go hand in hand oh go hand in hand i would say is uh

do you think it's so hard about this i know you i'm trying to give you guys a good one a good one Can I do this one for you? Bagged rice. Bagged rice. Instant rice. Oh, I was like, wait. I was like, isn't rice bagged? You mean boxed rice?

I mean instant rice. I mean like Uncle Ben's. Oh, instant. Who's using instant rice? Oh, here we go. Melissa. Here's one. Say Uncle Ben's rice.

Full house. Hamburger helper. Full house. No, I think that's an economical thing. That's poor people. Full house. they love when Full House came back on Netflix

like oh my gosh babe you want to sit down and watch Full House no I'm good no that's terrible Uncle Jesse is dummy old like a drink what's a drink

what do they drink what kind of cocktail and you can't say rosé oh you can't say rosé oh they be drinking like tonic what's that

what's that I feel like that's a like a tonic a guy from like London they love that they love that tonic shit I'd be like

what the hell is tonic just drink water the guys from UK love gin and tonics I don't like gin white people love gin and tonic They love martinis. It's a summer.

It's a summer drink. They love martinis. Okay. I feel like we're going to give you a quick quills. Yeah, give me quills. You want to test your knowledge on all things white. Just so you know. We want to see how well you know the woman that is white.

Are you ready? Yeah. Shoot. Shoot is not the word. We don't use the word shoot here. Who is this? Oh that's That actress

What's her name From Damn you don't know You don't know this one Oh no I know her I know her You know what movie She was in

Yeah she was like That movie with Ben Stiller Ben Stiller Is that right today Yeah that's right Ben Stiller Yeah she was in a movie With Ben Stiller

This is a blonde White woman Woman with blue eyes She's actually She's actually And round cheeks She's actually Spanish.

Of course you know her background. Okay, but what's her name, though? Oh, man. Okay, so you got that one wrong. You didn't get that one. What was her name, Sidney? Cameron Diaz. Cameron Diaz. You can look at the last name. Do you know who that is?

Oh, that's, yeah, Jennifer Lawrence. So wait, you know who that is, but you don't know who Cameron Diaz is? I know who Cameron Diaz is. I just couldn't think about it that quick. You got Jennifer Lawrence fast as hell. Who is this? I got her pictures, too. oh that's uh um what's the name um y'all show me all these old actresses ain't nobody up on these shits no more uh yes that was correct but they're legendary they're like the on to the next

on on to the next one there's a top tier white woman do you know who this white woman is some ugly white woman oh that's rude she's the top supermodel in the world exactly years in a row did you just call her ugly her nose looks like a parakeet's nose get out this is tom hardy tom Brady, Trump Brady's wife. Oh, that's cool. Giselle Boucher. Does she help him deflate? She's not white. She's Brazilian. She NFL balls too? We just wanted to see where your

knowledge is. Yeah, but her family is from Germany. I think they're Nazis that fled Germany. Auschwitz or some shit like that? Pretty sure. Pretty sure. Who is, now we know that you got, what did you get? Two out of five white women? So maybe you just do them. Do you know who this is? This is a black woman. Oh, man.

Yeah. I don't know her name do you know what show or movie yeah a movie she was hot in 1990s she was hot in the 90s she was it wasn't seen on um like uh no that was a white movie okay you got that one wrong that was elise neal it was elise neal okay now here's another black lady black woman who is this oh nia long yes i'm so glad that she can just she's uh uh what is that she's a list in the game she's beautiful. She's A-list if Ugg knows her. Do you know who this is?

Oh, that's, she was in the Players Club. Yes. Lisa. Yes. I can't remember her name in the Players Club. Lisa, shoot, what's the name? I just wanted to make sure you made it home safe. Diamond. Yeah, she was fly. Lisa what? Make the money,

don't let the money make you. Lisa. You gotta use what you got to get what you want. I forgot the last name. Lisa Ray. but you were you got it we won't count that okay and then this is gonna be the last wait okay this is second to last do you know who that is oh man that's tasha no no but t is right t uh she was uh martin martin's girl it's named gina gina damn gina i forgot the name and then this is the last one it's the last one this is the last one who is that oh man did you just say aw man. Yeah, because I'm really

going to take it there. Take it where? To Whitney Houston. Yes. If you didn't know what that was. I didn't want to say it because whenever such an icon legend comes like that, it's just terrible that something happened to her.

We just wanted to make sure. It seems like you know black women better than you know white women. I told you I love my black women. You did not tell us that at all. We didn't hear that a single time. We just had a conversation with you last month about your endeavors with white women.

Like I said, I'm an equal opportunity employer. No, you're not. If you like me, at the end of the day, if you like me, right? Okay.

I'll rock with you. That's all. So, do you, like, if you could say something to, like, the black women who used to laugh at you back in high school days,

if you could say something to those raggedy queens. Don't you dare call them raggedy. Those queens. If you could say anything to those raggedy-ass queens today, what would you say?

I'd be like, bitch, look at me now. And then they're like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm better than your man is. But are you, though? Yeah, much better. Much better. Are you sure about that?

Yeah, are you sure? I'm sure, because I'm not in jail. I'm making money. Is that one of those things that you should be happy about? I'm not in jail. No, you shouldn't be in jail. You should definitely be happy not being in jail. You should absolutely not be in jail.

Exactly. But that's not the first thing that I'm like, oh, great things that's going on in my life. Raise a kid like I was raised, and he'll be hot, too. So you're trying to say that all those black girls have kids and husbands in jail now? Yeah.

Sucks for y'all. Oh my God. You are awful. Is that the note we want to leave it on today? Nah. We thought you were going to say something positive.

We're going to leave it on. The note we're leaving on is listen, never judge a book by its cover or the loafers or the corduroys that he wears

early on in his life. Never judge a book by the corduroys that are high waters that he wore on the first day of school. You know, just be nice to everybody.

Teach your kids to be nice to everybody because you don't know who everybody's going to be. Oh, here we go. So you were just bullied? Is that what you're saying? You're like,

I'm with Waylon Me because they bullied me. If I was bullied, I think by the end of this interview, I would know, this guy was bullied and he's hurting right now.

I feel like my brother was cool in school. Yeah, he was cool. In high school, he was cool. We were only a year apart, so everybody that knew him knew me. They used to love my sister.

I had a cool... They were like, oh my gosh, that's Hugus' sister right there. Yeah, they were like, what up, little Hugus? and I'd be like, it's actually pronounced Marie. Yeah, they love them.

So yeah, that's what I would say to them. I'm going to say Hugh, is it Hugh? I don't know if I learned anything about white women from you. I don't think I learned anything from you today. I don't know if you're the expert in this, but I mean, you won.

He got all those questions right. He did get all those points. I'm definitely an expert. Y'all just got to be less close-minded. Or you got to be less close-minded. Plus, black women are open-minded, sexually and black women do want to voice their opinions and their feelings with you

and black women, I don't remember the other thing but we don't use a hamburger helper box at all or instant rice Uncle Ben's gay is not on our list our grocery list Stovetop That's a really good wine though

It's a good grape wine That's a Jewish wine She ain't been enough white people for this I'm not in there yo okay so what do you have coming up where can people catch you yeah you could catch me on uh blind spot coming up uh later this year on season two nice on uh cbs okay channel two everybody got that channel yeah uh and i don't have any tv i don't have that i got cbs yeah and um Luke Cage

On Netflix Starts All the episodes come out September 30th Check it out You'll see your boy on there doing his thing And like I said All the black chicks that played me Y'all can see me there

Can we end on a positive note for black women If you could say anything to a black woman Who's listening to this Who feels like maybe People think she has an attitude or they think that she repressed. What would you say to, like, a black woman? I would say to her, listen, not everybody's going to understand you.

Stay true to yourself. Continue to be strong and stay open-minded. You read that off a napkin. That was pre-written. Because, you know, people can learn from each other. We can all learn from each other, you know what I mean? Don't ever, you know, shoot yourself in the foot just because people don't understand you.

I'm sorry. Why would I shoot myself in the foot? If anything, I'm going to shoot you in the foot. Because a lot of times people tend to spiral downwards because they feel like they're all alone in the world. Nobody understands their perspective. So is that what happened to you in elementary school when the black girls didn't like you?

I feel like we've gotten somewhere, actually, with this. We feel like we're cool. We feel like you spiraled out of control. I mean, if I spiraled out of control, I'd be sitting over here with the shakes because I didn't get my fix yet. But your shakes are being calmed by these white women now. Nah, they've already been cummed.

Were you wearing Reeboks, like, pumps? Like, what was the problem? Oh, I wanted pumps, but I didn't get pumps. You didn't even have the Reebok pump? Nah, I didn't get the pumps. We didn't wear name brand sneakers in my house. Yeah. I told you, it was dress shoes.

What about, like, JCPenney's contemporary men's shoes? Did you have one of those? A contemporary men's? Like a soft loafer? Yeah, like a suede loafer. He's got that on right now. It's kind of like a Wallaby-type shoe on. Wallaby?

Come on now. No, kind of. This is Cole Haim. Oh, Cole Haim. You know what I'm saying? It's Cole Haim, baby. I didn't know those were Cole Haim. Cole Haim make shoes like that?

Yeah, they do. Those are really nice, actually. Thank you, thank you. They go really well with your Bilal shirt. And your Zada, Zada pants. Those Zara? No, these right here, these are H&M. Oh, whom?

But I do got some Zara's at the crib. Okay, just plug in your wardrobe one more time. Where can people find you online? They can find me on my Instagram Okay, what's the name? Which is TheBlackBond spelled T-H-E-B-L-A-K underscore B-O-N-D

Really funny that your name is Black Bond and it's really white women Well, you know, James Bond always gets the ladies whether they be black or white So that was really a James Bond reference Yeah, Black Bond Shout out to the homie Idris Elba by the way I'm rooting for you

You think they're going to let him be James Bond They need to because the man is on point with everything He is a beautiful goddess Goddess Did you call him a goddess She meant goddess good He is beautiful goddess good Yeah that's what I meant

Yeah that's where they can find me at The Black Bond The B-L-A-K underscore B-O-N-D Where you can catch all of his photos You can catch all my photos. You can catch all my upcoming features and everything like that. Furry carpets in front of fireplaces in Calvin Klein's. Calvin Klein.

Glazed in a shea butter oil mix. Just covered in a glazed oil butter mix. Laid out in front of a fireplace in the middle of July. July. Wearing a Calvin Klein brief. Hashtag model. Shout out to all my New York City chicks, black, white. Cuban and Asian.

Cuban and Asian. You know I love all of y'all You know what I mean I love all of y'all I see what you're doing You're like I'm trying to plug this

Just so I can get some ass I mean Do you like Asian girls No bad representation Have you ever dated An Asian chick Nah I think they scared of me Probably

Probably I think they scared of me I think it's that hat It's not a very like Asian friendly hat Shots fired You gotta have a hat That's like round

And has like a point At the top So you want me to be a Wear a dunce cap Around town No you know how Asians where those those like umbrella hats

whatever you trying to make me look like Raiden yes exactly I was three fighter but I'll give that to you oh okay okay alright

well we're close well that was so much fun we've learned absolutely nothing not a damn thing but we're gonna give you the award for white women

whisperer today because nobody else wanted that award not one person we only could think of you That's it. We were like, well, what is Ugg good at?

It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it. Got it. I see you. Thank you for your service. Thank you for being here. And we have a monthly show. It's every second Saturday of the month at Karma Lounge, 730. It is free, free, free.

And Ugg be there. You do be there. Ugg be there. He's like, where the drink is at? You know what I'm saying? I got to support my sister and the lovely Sydney. You know what I mean? Black girls.

With that mouth, too. Strong black girls doing their thing. Come out, support the show. It's funny as hell. And you'd be there looking at the white women. I'd be lurking in the background. Sure do. And you'd be lurking in the front, too.

And he'd be whispering, but whispering very loud. Like, who dat? Birdie, who's that in the tennis shoes? I'd be walking right up to him and be like, yo, you ever seen Black Jaws? And I'd be like, mm. Oh, God. OK, that's where we leave.

We must leave now. Thank you so much for listening. This is the Unofficial Expert. Unofficial Expert. Make sure you listen to everything that we've been doing. You watch some of our videos on YouTube, S&M, Sidney and Marie. Thank you so much. Marie and Sidney.

Stay smart. Yeah. Bye. Bye. The listeners of Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar, is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. To earn $25 of free driving credit, go to joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts to earn free driving credit.