MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Unofficial Expert Live in San Francisco with Byron Bowers

Episode Date: February 14, 2020

Listen to our live show in San Francisco from last month with special guest, Byron Bowers! We talk kissing grandmas, going through trauma and take some audience questions.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

FOREVER, DOG! I got the mojo deals, we been trappin' like the 80s She said the niggas so, gotta cash out Torn on white, but nigga, no Say slack, slack I want this, I want this, I want this Oh, this is too high. Yay!

Oh my God. Wait, is this good? You guys can hear me? She's tough. Can I switch this? Why? It's too high? It's too high! But Marie, you like them tall. What's up? I also do like them black

I mean it was that white duet One time We in San Fran Thank you so much And I bust the button in my skirt One more time for this dude Yay Look at those rolls

Wow We don't get that in New York City We do since he look like he from Queens Where you from? that's that Long Island gross hi

welcome to the unofficial expert live look at all these sexy people in here right now oh my god look at the boots

and the furs wow okay she got the fashion novas on wow wow everyone is sexy here she got her

good clothes on okay make some noise if you listen to the podcast. Oh, wow. Make some noise if you don't listen to the podcast. A couple straight men in the back. A couple straight men in the back.

A couple brands. Yeah, they were like, we don't listen to the pod, but there's black bitches up there. Yes. We'll listen to that. Love it. I'm Marie.

I'm Sydney. This is my tiny hat. and this is my Peruvian weave, so thank you. That's her big-ass hat, okay? Thank you guys for staying so late. This is a late-ass show. Yeah. I mean, but what you guys got tomorrow?

Church? It looks like some good Christian gays are in the... Okay. Oh, they're all in the back. Well, they had to put a look on to stay late. Wow. Also, it was hard to get into this place. I was downstairs like, I'm going to get took.

It looked like a set up, right? Sis, okay? It looked like I walked up and it was like a set. Like a box with a stick and they were trying to trap niggas. And I didn't bring a purse or anything, but if I did, somebody would have took it. That's how I felt. And you know, you see me. This is real pretty woman.

Black pretty woman. This is, uh, this is, uh, this is, uh... You work on commission? Big mistake! Huge! Uh, and this is, uh... Ooh, I'm gonna show you guys what I'm doing. Yeah, what are you doing, Maria?

Let me button my skirt. You're doing a lot of looks tonight. This is a cool substitute teacher. Yeah! Yes! The substitute teacher that give you edibles. this is the wheel the wheel the tv into the class yeah vcr the whole time we just gonna watch the tapes y'all yeah this is we watching armageddon yeah

you're the substitute teacher they call you by your first name no no you cross the line right there no no they wouldn't call me by my first name they'll call you by your instagram hints yeah they would your nipple was in your stories love it is anybody else checking their stories like okay wait you guys shoot stories and then do you save them and then like watch them over and over again before you post them yeah i'll just shoot them one time and then automatically upload or are you not on instagram who isn't on instagram on here get out no i'm just kidding getting we don't trust you you're not on instagram you're too cool for

how old are you 32 you that's prime instagram swiping year this is the time to do it sir you're gonna join when you 40 yeah bro you gotta spike you know what just stick to facebook he works for facebook oh hello sis sis what you what you finna book you're trying to book a commercial no they're looking for a third over here that's what i heard you guys are a couple how long have you guys been together three and she loves that he doesn't have instagram she's obsessed she'd be putting her side ass photos photos her butt be on the bathroom counter hashtag my don't know I love that for you sis

that is so good couples goals any other couples in the audience who else is here is that my lesbians over here yay wait so

Marie dared me to kiss somebody on the show tonight so Well, because Sidney's in, like, a situation-ship that we might get into a little bit. But I said, Sidney, you're boring, okay? I'm out here being a hoe. Yes. I'm out here praying to God.

I'm out here waiting for my period and doing poppers. Okay, well, now what happened? Look at all my cool friends in the back. The show is sponsored by poppers, okay? Listen, when I tell you I was searching for poppers for y'all tonight, where does one buy poppers? The gas station? Wow.

All of you guys. Where were y'all when I was looking for poppers? Yeah. And by looking, I mean, I was like, I should get some poppers. And then I was like, mm. Okay, so yeah. So through the whole show, I'm going to be looking for somebody to kiss. Okay, yes.

So I dared Sydney. Actually, she was like, you dare me? she wanted me to dare her. You dare me? To kiss somebody from the show tonight. Oh, y'all don't sound excited. This is... This feels racist and homophobic.

Nah, sis. They're not excited because they know who you are. They listen to the podcast. They're like, she ain't got no food at her house. Wow! They know that! You don't want to kiss somebody who's financially unstable? Come on, now. Come on. Well, clap

if you want to be the person that's in need to kiss me. Oh, wow. Aggressive. Aggressive. I feel like that's somebody who works here. Work security guard from Queens.

He was like, Daddy! He got his Timbs on. You're. He was like, if she don't kiss me, that's doodle. Doodle.

Okay, well, we'll make it happen. And it seems like we're forgetting and the night is winding down. Somebody's praying. kiss me sis or something kiss me through the phone I don't know something we'll figure it out or chant it

kiss her kiss her kiss her and okay well who which one Marie you gotta pay extra for that that's a hundred dollar a ticket show for a kiss yeah

you gotta pay you gotta give me some drugs really Marie Oh, I have a confession. I took an edible before the show started. Be real. But it was a little, it was like five. What does that mean?

No, it wasn't five. I took two CBD things and then one regular little edible thing. But CBD just makes me relax. This is very professional of you. I love it. Okay, yes. You see I got my work skirt on. Okay.

Work. Okay, so San Francisco. We got in yesterday. we took a 7am flight to get here we went straight to Patreon to like record an episode messy bonus episode on camera yes and then we realized oh my god

we don't have a look for the show so we go to the mall for two hours find nothing the mall is trash here I mean the mall I guess in general is trash yeah the Westfield right is that do y'all all hang out there everybody in here be thrifting

okay y'all be shopping on consignment so y'all be couturing everybody got couture on is that couture Helly Henson Beyonce sent everybody in here

a box everybody in here got an Ivy Park box I feel it I see it Reese Witherspoon all up and through the show

Reese what's Reese's style no Reese got a box oh she got a Beyonce box yeah Beyonce sent her a box wow and she was stunting on them hoes

I love you yeah but she probably had the leggings on crooked the line was hitting her butt weird she looked good she looks like a grown up Clarissa explains it all

that ain't the look sis ain't nobody trying to bag no Ferguson's in here the edible hit now these lashes are just heavy so we went to the mall for two hours didn't buy a gat damn thing

I mean I bought this little stamp for my eye We're on the mission for that. It's a heart tattoo. That's who I am now. Black Von D. Wait, who's that? Cat Von D. Oh, okay, sorry.

Am I unedible too? Okay, all right. Anyway, what were we trying to say, sis? We were just giving them the rundown of our San Francisco. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Then we, okay, so today we walked the Golden Gate Bridge, right? We did that. Is it Golden Gate or Golden State?

Golden Gate. Okay, whatever, sis. we're in the golden state but the bridge is red and the state is dirty so yeah we gonna drag you in your own state where's the gold

where's the gold the homeless people got it where's the gold oh you rude they didn't do anything to you Marie the homeless people they did nothing to you not one single homeless person has showed me his dick while I've been here which is rude

In New York, I see Homer's dick all of the time. And I was just like, what are they working with over here? That's all we want to know. They're like, I'm a grower, not a shower. Whatever, let me see it. Pull it out, put it on the table. Okay, so, backstory. We watched a documentary about the golden...

It's called The Bridge. Yeah, it's called The Bridge. Yeah, it's sad. It's about the suicide that happened on the bridge. So, I know, it's sad. wait it's gonna turn so we get on the bridge i love that sad ass bridge yeah it was it's a great documentary but basically i mean it's very sad it's very sad but we get on the bridge and marie is looking people up and down and be like you good you good so we were on suicide watch i'm like

he's by himself yeah she touches shoulders like i'm here for you yeah you know listen I was like, we should do this. It's a show. It's a show. Would you guys watch a show about us being on suicide watch? Trying to stop people from committing suicide. We're so bad at our jobs that we make people leave. People are like, oh my God, I guess I'm going to go home.

Write about this in my journal. Marie's going to be like, you good? I'm going to be like, you going to jump in them shoes? Like, it's just, in the Skechers? Like, come on. That's how you want to go? You deserve a hard bottom. Kill yourself in a Chelsea boot.

Yeah, do it up, 2020. They got to go anyway. Okay, we messy, but you know, it's all in fun. But yeah, we were supposed to walk the whole bridge, but we didn't. Tell them what happened to Sidney Washington. Okay, I'm going to ask for your advice. So, I just want to tell them what happened.

i was on the bridge and this is what happens when i walk sometimes my legs itch okay pause stop sometimes my legs hold on wait itchy legs uh so i said the reason why your legs itch when you walk is because you never walk you in and out of ubers and that's the circulation returning in your legs sydney every and this every time we walk together her legs itch she's like no i'm ashy my legs are dry is that not a thing okay who thinks it's circulation because she don't be walking clap you're dead to me you're dead to me you're dead to me all of y'all are dead to me clap if you think it's because she got dry legs clap if you think it's because i have herpes i didn't know we was revealing tonight people in the back sis i didn't know we were sharing

like that tonight i am a good christian gay how dare you lesbians have herpes don't do that no we don't we're not all of y'all but some of y'all we're exempt um so yeah we couldn't walk the whole bridge because my legs started itching she was like ah and then she got a scratch i said sis That's the, okay, well. So then we go to, so then we get lunch. We go to a sushi place. And it's fine, it's whatever. We heard it was going to be them little boats.

It was going to like, it was going to like. The conveyor belt. And I was like, oh, I'm going to eat a lot and then pay for a little, right? And we got there and it was just regular tables and we were like, yeah. We're like, I guess we'll just stay. And so, you know, we're having a chat. And then all of a sudden, they drop the bill at the next table. and the guy's like

this white man said I have a Groupon and the waitress was mad as fuck because you're supposed to tell them up top that you're paying for the Groupon right okay how you order it

like you don't even know if it's like peak Groupon time like maybe they only do Groupon on Thursday like you came on a Saturday on a Saturday and it was slow too so they like

they want all their money They don't want half-priced food. And then he was like, that was delicious. I'm stuffed. Thank you so much. Best meal ever. I said, because you used the Groupon on me. So then Marie's like, would you go, if you went on a date with somebody and they use a Groupon, would you be mad?

Let's, everybody, clap if you wouldn't be upset. The person who clapped, why would you not be mad? A lonely person. A lonely person. Because it's hard out here. Haven't gone on a date since 2012. They're like, I'll take a Groupon.

He bought these tickets on a Groupon. It's hard out here. I have a Groupon. And everybody else would be offended. Wait, why though? Why? It's tacky. What'd you say? You're worth it.

Okay, let me stand up. Look what you look like. Yeah. well one she's got her edges so there's that oh everybody doesn't know what edges is over here so you don't listen to the podcast at all there's a bunch of andrews in here yeah he's not here we didn't fly him out imagine imagine if we flewed out our producer absolutely not for us to ignore him for an hour no black history mom said no so we started early this year yes we did we started in december um okay so people would be offended but he said it so loud are you guys using groupon for anything like do you use groupon for anything

no no well what a friend gave me a groupon to get a facial and i said no oh you better than that yeah because if somebody's if somebody if i'm the person giving a groupon facial i'm gonna go like This, this. Okay, you good. You look flawless. Like, I'm going to gas it up. I'm not going to do too much work for... $10?

You're paying $10 for a facial? So how much is a facial supposed to cost? $80. What? And what do they do? They put a mask on your face with the little, like, whiskers on it? What do you look like? They suck stuff out your...

You know, like the Korean face mask. You know what I'm talking about. They steam your face. Sidney, when you get your facial, what do they do to your face? I'm blessed. I don't know what those are. God touched my face, and it was like, there you go. God is going to strike you out of that chair for life in front of these people.

No, they do extractions. They do all of that. What are they extracting? Blackheads, whiteheads, you're dead. Like, they're doing a lot. Yo, speaking of that, Sally may have been blowing me up all weekend. Oh, my God. Blocked.

Do not disturb. But I feel like certain things, yeah, you shouldn't get on Groupon. I'm like, you shouldn't be getting Groupon plastic surgery. Oh, somebody got Groupon titties in here? I'm going to say, yeah, yeah. I have Groupon titties. No. Yeah.

What? Let us see. They definitely don't put your nipples on right. They put them like this? They don't put your nipples on right. They put one nipple on and the other one, you got paid full if you want the rest of the nipple. Look at all the concerned people.

They're like, they botched her boobs. Yeah, I'm botched in the flesh. I'm lying I'm fine I have perfect titties I don't know I paid ten thousand dollars to wear turtlenecks that's what I do

any other fake boobs in here clap oh my god oh y'all all natural all of you everybody's titties are sitting tonight there's a lot of v-necks in here

it's two degrees outside but y'all bitches got your clavicles out I love it this is totally our team over here San Francisco is cold yeah I was like, yo, it's going to be hot. But then in the sun, it's cute.

I'm like a cat, like a cat that finds a spot in the middle of the floor where the sun is. Like, that's me this whole weekend. Just standing on the sidewalk waiting for my Uber. Okay, in other news, before we bring up our dad. Okay. I thought we were bantering. Oh, sorry, sorry. It's fine.

Do you need an edible? No, I don't. I don't. But we had someone DM us about a bad one-night stand. And so I want to chat about one-night stands a little bit. I don't know if that's what y'all doing here. Y'all look very responsible. I don't know.

Do one-night stands happen in San Francisco? All them damn heels? I'm not doing a one-night stand. If I got to go up a hill to go get some cooch or dick, nah, I'm too exhausted. Yo, y'all be riding up the hills for this? What? You don't trolley?

You don't trolley for some ass? Trolley? Listen, I took a trolley to get here. Put the tip in. Hey! Can I get some trolley money? I heard it's $7. $7?

To get on one of them clang, clang, clangs? To go three blocks? Absolutely not. Like three miles an hour or two. Anyway. And then if the sex is bad, then you on the trolley for like 20 minutes just think like yo you got all three jackets you like oh my god that's the walker shame on the trolley that's beautiful the trolley of shame okay so we wanted to talk about one night stand

did you want to give them a quick rundown of what happened to this chick or you just want to talk about i'll do a rundown so she's young she's 22 so you already know it's tragic um okay also I saw 22 in the front. Yes. No, but from the little Abby, she's cute. She looked like she got all her teeth and whatnot. So I feel her. Adorable.

Adorkable, almost. So she goes to this guy's house. She's in his basement. He's white. No. Why are you going to a white man's house in a basement? The apartment or the room was in the basement. The room was in the basement.

So he lives with his parents. Which is what we're assuming. But already, yes. you hear basement all the women are like uh-uh i mean there's some people over there that's like tell me more yeah um the 50 shades of gray bitches over there i see it but i'm not first of all i'm not going to no white man's basement uh in 2020 or any year before that just like come on down yeah if he gotta pull the light on like this nah stay up here player

the windows is this little and they sideways the wifi all bad down there like I ain't got a reception I'm like I gotta blow on a spider web nah okay ain't no dick that big

so so she's in the basement with this guy and first of all he's what was he doing bad she said he was sweet he was tweaking her nipples way too hard she thought they was gonna fall off right some people are into that i see that there's a guy right here they like flick that wrist yeah i see you're into that leather jacket yeah oh you hear that voice yeah yeah i'll bite your nipples off now like that that's what he

said did you hear it he didn't say he said me me yeah you yes he got nipples in his ears yeah yeah um okay so then she was like all right well so she said she took her pants off yes because she was like well this is it's too hard i'm gonna just take my pants off what what what mathematics is he doing sis and then she said he was doing something with her clit too hard bad she was like he didn't know what to do with it at all so she was like uh so i she said so i went down on him right she gave him head how she said because i didn't want him to touch me no more sis what go home that's why you gotta grow up like you can't be 22 you gotta be 35 immediately like i'm not that is some 22 year old shit like well i'm a second so i don't

have to do nothing now it's like what right so he's into it she said he's pulling her hair or whatever choking she's like then she asked for him to choke her this is why they were happy so then they have sex and she said it was bad right yeah really bad so bad that she was like i just told him to choke me sex what she's a white man's basement she writing a pilot for a lifetime movie or something that's what that is dick wolf wrote this go home and then what happened she had to leave it was she in like virginia alabama so she had to walk home she had to drive and go near his place she had to drive like i don't know past several ranches or something right one night stand that was her first one night first one i seen

Wait, wait, wait All the dudes is like I don't see what happened She lived That's a good story She lived They were like He had a good time

Yeah She's alive to tell a story I don't see anything wrong with that There's a dude in here right now That's like Was that a fool? Yeah Wait, but who

So people were having One night stands at 22 What you talking about? People do it in their 40s It's fifties, eighties. Well that makes sense, but 22, like you're so young. What? Sidney, that's peak one night stand age.

You young, you like just graduated, you got your little associates, bachelors, whatever. Associates if you slow, 22. You know, what's that year? Gap year. You think 22 is too young to have a one night stand? Yes. Sidney, how old were you

when you had your first one night stand? 14. Lies, like 14 and a half. No. No, I had a one night stand. I was in the chat rooms on the phone. Do you guys remember that? Anybody who's 40?

I know y'all remember the chat rooms. No, not the AOL chat room. She talking about you pick up a phone and people are talking. They're like, that's what's it. Okay, now you're judging me. This is what Sidney... Now the judgment, okay?

This is what Sidney was doing during the Clinton administration. She was winding on a rotary. I was on a motherfucking rotary. She was like, hello, operator. It's some pussy in there. So I'm on as Cicely Tyson. It's fine.

Sidney did a group project with Morgan Freeman. Woo, anyway, Sidney's on the chat line, pretty ricky, ricky, ricky. Yeah, I'm talking to this guy, great voice, obviously, and yeah, you gotta have a good voice. Like, I'm not coming to meet you if you sound like Goof Troop. Like, that's not happening. Hello, is everybody having a good weekend? Well, people who speak like that actually have the best dick. The ones that are like, excuse me?

Beg your pardon? Nah, Cindy, they be placing the dick and then they take it back out and then they place it and they be like They be buffing your boobs They be laying a towel down Yeah, lay the towel down, it's fine

A lot of these dudes don't change their sheets i bring my own towel to my one night stand cindy shows up it's wrapped around her neck like it's a beach mat she go in there like million dollar baby wow wow thank god this is a late show anyway i would do this for brunch long long story short um get to his place his place is very far in Brooklyn you guys don't know Brooklyn right or you do so Brooklyn is like like Oakland like that's how far it is from where I was I don't I was in Harlem and then I had to go to the end of Brooklyn so that's like from here to Oakland you got it that's yes indeed I feel I feel like

Oakland is I can see it that's the right thing wait how far is Oakland I don't know okay I mean if you walk how far is Oakland they're like you walked to that niggas house they're like sis you couldn't even walk the bridge you said 30 minutes 20

15 ok somebody be speeding ok speed racer 15 I could do it in 9 so I had to take a dollar van to get to this what is all this

judgment so for the people who don't know explain it Marie a dollar van is basically like a big white church van you know what that is right and a Haitian or a Jamaican who ain't got no their papers drives it and they just stop

and pick people up along the street but like a major street and you get in and they drive straight and then when it's your stop you say your street and then you throw two dollars at the driver and they let you roll out yeah it's a stop drop and roll situation it's a it's a dollar van yeah they never really stop they kind of like slow down and then you gotta throw yourself out and sometimes if you don't have the money they like it a fight happens and if you get into

an accident i heard i got in a dollar van once and the driver fell asleep at the wheel we all we all fell asleep it was late we all fell asleep and we woke up when he hit a car and he was like oh what happened he was like oh but he ripped somebody's door off no and he sped up and started and i was like oh but i'm high and i'm tired and i'm on the side that's swiped so i'm like ah you need to let me off he didn't have his papers anyway dollar van dollar van Sydney took that to get some dick I took that Chat line dick

No hold on I didn't have sex with the guy I just want you to know Y'all did bible study No I went there he opens the door And no offense to anybody who's short But he was like 4'2 It's nobody Like a Keebler elf

Like his voice didn't match his height Oh little people big world I love that for him he on the phone like I'm a big boy I can talk to you come over here let me suck on them jeans and then you got there and you were like is your dad here

I was talking to your uncle like where he at you were like uh Samuel I go in there's like no electricity the lights are not working there's no heat yo and at no point in your mind did you think i should go it already took me like two and a half hours to get there see this is like that white girl that went in that white man's basement yeah

i was like i'm gonna have to wait this out okay so i'm there he doesn't look the way he's supposed to like he sounds what did you have on you remember what your look was oh yeah you had on I had, like, oshkosh, bagosh. Like, I had, like, a little jumper situation. You had an overall. Overall, okay. But they fit, like, you know, J-look. Like, tight.

Somebody said no! No! The glow jeans! It was, like, the denim version of her, like, Versace dress. No. So you didn't have a shirt on underneath your overall? No, I didn't. Okay, ow!

Free ballin'. Side titty. basically I go down on this guy and it was bad and look at the shock then I had to go back hey listen I had to work my way up to this gang okay I had to have sex with a whole bunch of dusty dudes to realize yeah it came from me this isn't really I'm failing as a straight person look at the women clapping you too can save your life every dollar a day just a dusty dick a day

will get you to this game in the arms of an angel I mean you know dusty dick I think you know you grow out of it eventually or you never experienced it and you know you're magic what's that that's a malta cake

oh this is for people who like trust each other that's what this is that's a trust cake it's a ring in there a magic Imagine! What if they proposed? I would knock it. I'd be like, nah, not in our podcast. It ain't about you, bitch. I'd be like, you're not about us.

You're not about to propose in a windbreaker. Get out of here. Get your shit! Get your shit! I bet you he owned the building. Let's stop. Let's stop. Now this is Facebook. Yeah, Facebook.

Facebook. He said, I'm sitting in the front supporting y'all hoes. Y'all not gonna roast me. He didn't even want to sit here. She was like, I love them. I want them to see that I'm here. yeah this is where we're sitting he's like this is the you'll be listening to it what's your dumb ass he said you said this was npr and she was like i said niggas be joking or

something like he could and he was like free yo them edibles is hitting you on fire tonight okay i'm gonna take these edibles back to new york and i'm not gonna hide them in my butt but I'm just going to have them in my hand when I go through security tomorrow. I'm like, these are mints. I'll eat all of them right now, you dare me? They're going to be like, no. I'm like, right now.

Okay, so for the people who don't listen to the podcast, basically, unofficial expert. We interview people on expertise that you don't really need to be an expert in. You don't need skills to be an expert. You don't need any skill at the unofficial expert. We find out what you think you're good at And then we roast you

That's all it is The guests in the back are like, what? I didn't sign up for this shit No, but it's fun It's flagged Sometimes the people are good Some people are confusing But our guest tonight is amazing

He's hilarious He's a comedian He's doing really great things He got a flight to Japan at 4 o'clock in the morning So he's out past his curfew right now But he's an awesome comic. I think y'all are really going to appreciate him. We're going to figure out what his expertise is.

We're going to need your help to do that. This is a mystery. This is like a question mark. You know the dum-dums that like, oh, you don't know what flavor it is? That's what this episode is right now. That mystery jelly bean? Yeah. Look at them.

They're like, what? We didn't sign up for that. Y'all not here for the ride? Yeah, we are. She's like, I put on my good boots for this fucking show. Y'all better figure out the expertise. That's why I'm here. She put a good boots on because she wants you to kiss her, sis.

We didn't forget. Okay. I'll kiss that cake over there. Y'all going to eat that? You talking in front of her orange wine? Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. You ain't got no class.

All right. Anyway, let's bring up our special guest for the evening. Yes. Guys, give us some energy. Give us a round of applause. Yes, please. Give it up for Byron Bowers! Byron Bowers!

Keep it going, keep it going! Oh, wow, you came out with your coat. Wow. You really are anemic, huh? Hi, Byron. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Come on, now. You break it, you buy it.

Yeah. Come on, now. OK. Hi, Byron, how you doing? How y'all doing, gang? Some real shit going on up here. Well, you've been sitting in the back for a little while. Do you have any thoughts or comments on what you heard thus far?

Oh, no. It's all lovely, man. You know what I mean? That means he didn't hear shit. No, you know. He was taking a nap. I'm thinking some of my past sexual experiences that I had. You know what I mean?

Okay, do you think that when you have a good time, can you tell that the woman that you're with is not having a good time? Yeah. As, I mean, I was, what do you call it? Do you keep your jacket on? Because, like, this is crazy. Keep it like this. I'm going to move it to the side.

Look, look, y'all live in L.A. I mean, y'all live in New York. I live in L.A. This is just what it is. You know what I mean? He's like, I'm going to slide it to the side. That's cool. Yeah, sometimes, sometimes, I, look, I would guess,

you could say I was assaulted. I don't know if it was sexual assault. I don't know. So, even, but, Don't get me wrong. Something like that changes your trajectory and you end up in interesting places as an adult, right? Okay, so you were hooked.

No, I'm not a hook. I'm good now, but I could have been somewhere bad. But I've been in situations before that are like, oh, shit, because the women are aggressive or they got some shit they need to get off their chest. I mean, sometimes. Yeah, we all got the... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I would end up with those type of women. You know what I mean? Who got issues? Yeah, because most niggas story be like, this is what I did to the pussy, and mine was always what the pussy did to me, you know what I mean? So, I'm like, in y'all position, when I'm hearing y'all shit, I'm like, yeah,

I remember being in those situations, like, what the fuck? You know? Do you remember, okay, so can you share maybe one, well, actually, maybe not. I was like, I thought about it, I was like, ah, we just want to, ah. Yeah, you don't know if you want to hear this. Yeah, no, I don't think I do.

Anything fun? Oh, no, I don't know if it's fun. It was fun, but it was an experience, you know? Okay. An experience. You ready for this ride soon? Is it Lifetime Channel or BET? I don't know.

I don't know. Is it a BET experience? I think it's Lifetime. I think it's Lifetime. It's a blend. It's Lifetime on BET. We're not here for the blend. I'm not a BET type of nigga, though, so I don't know.

Okay. All right. But I knew I met this lady one time, older lady, because, of course, you know, the situation. So I always had these older women. My babysitter, I fucked my babysitter, so I always would fuck older women, you know what I mean? And I brought this lady to my crib, and it was an older lady.

How old were you? Now we Mariska Hargitay. Oh, this is older. We Olivia Benson on this bitch. She's like, who is this bitch? I'm Ice-T. When I say older, like, my first threesome, it was her 57th birthday, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Byron. I know, nigga, I know. That's somebody's mama in here. I know. the way you screamed from your diaphragm and just like how y'all you know you want to be nice

I remember licking her neck and all the wrinkles oh man it was like you ever licked a Dorito flat oh my god it got caught in the roof of your mouth you was like oh and she was dancing the whole night

so it got like a Dorito thing it had baby powder in the crevices yeah I've been there And she smoked cigarettes, and she got on top, and she was like, every time she, like, would move, like, all the years of cigarette smoke. Would float off her body? Yeah, I would inhale it, you know what I mean?

It was like breathing an exhaust, like when a car is on. But I came, and... Look at the dudes in the back. Yeah! Somebody else, but what's their food? I'm gonna finish that one thing. This is the weirdest this one. This is one of my top weird I was banging the chick. I met her. I brought her to the house. She was older. You know, I mean

There's got to be like there's gotta be I mean, this is like I've been in my relationship for years. This is like maybe like This is shit I went through sitting making me like oh shit I gotta get out of this shit so I was like Byron you're a home care attendant like it didn't matter you're an aide

I just wanted to fucking check in on that you're giving them sponge bags you do an anal with 60 year olds yeah because you ain't gotta convince it ain't like a young person it might hurt and you gotta be like let me get some coconut oil nah you fucking

you trying to go straight to the thing you doing that to Gertrude Yeah. On her 57th birthday? And she on top, and she ride, and she's like, you like it? I'm like, yeah, but I know I want to have ankles. I'm like, yo, let me fuck you in your ass. And she's like, yeah.

And I put it in her ass, and we get, you know, at first it's slow, and you get in your rhythm. We know, we all adults. Once you get your stroke, and you like, you in it. Yo. I hate to do it without getting in it, but. And then she was just like, yeah, you like that ass? I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm fucking his ass.

And then she was like, yeah, fuck this ass, you faggot. Fuck me in the ass, you faggot. And then my whole rhythm, like, I remember looking up, like, not again. Like, how I end up in these crazy-ass situations, you know what I mean? But a part of me was like, she just sang that song, fucking her ass. So I had to push all that. My ego was fucked up, so I had to push all that shit down. And then, like, fuck her.

and then I came and then I don't know I had to push a lot down for me to come at that I was doing it like a sporting event like when you exercise and you're tired you got three more minutes

you ain't worried about your feelings you just trying to reach the goal you came here to reach I got the belt that night you know what I mean you should have beat your ass with it I see you over here are you judging miss I'm trying to figure out your face he's exposing

he's sharing he's unpacking we're trying to figure out what his expertise is and you over here just like what's going on it's almost 1am what you want us to talk about politics climate change Bernie Sanders what you want

the koalas but the thing is oh no not the koalas yeah yeah man at that time i thought i was i was put here to just be with those type of women like like school teachers and shit like that who got this side of them people wore them low buns right here low buns during the day but at night they show up and they get real crazy and they throw that wig off yeah so and then i realized i realized i had this leather nike rope and this A chick had me choker.

Because it was a nice rope. It's a jump rope. A leather jump rope. Somehow I ended up around this lady's neck. Somehow I ended up around this. You go to Portland and get one for like $10. What? I'm not going to Portland

for a leather jump rope. No, here's the thing though. You can buy a bunch of shit for like 70% off and go flip it. Just get it off Amazon, dude. No, this is a whole bigger... He's trying to build a business here. But either way, I had to rope around this chick's neck.

And she was like harder, harder. And I'm up behind her. And I'm squeezing, my arms shaking. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here? That was my moment of like, oh, this is like, I can't be out here. This is it for me. So you stopped or you finished? What do you mean, that time?

Yeah, that time. When she came, she came. Is she alive? Yeah, she alive. Did she go? no yeah she came that was her thing i did all that for her you know she was a very interesting person the thing she wanted was like kind of disturbing like she wanted me to call her she wanted to call me daddy but like call her daughter oh she dead she's not alive

she's not with us guys she popped up on facebook she disappeared for like two years to get her hair together and then she popped back up i hope she got her head together yeah um we just ruined this man's artichoke dip he fucked up he's like yo man all i wanted was his chips and dip man he tried to scoop it and then he crushed the chip that's where we at so okay well that's one thing that's one thing i did this is where we at okay uh first of all now i'm a pastor you know are you about to go what about to go my jacket i have a father collar oh my god somebody be like that chain they got no bling in it no no you don't have to yeah you sure i want to blame you got no blame out oh yeah i put it i put

it over the over the shirt oh you got you put a quarter in and those came out well one my dad one is my dad oh my he's dead and then another wow byron this this one this nigga was my mom's ex-husband he used to beat him so i was like give me that i'm taking your shit you might be the trauma he's a trauma expert do y'all agree trauma or the geriatric expert I don't know

this is the snake that eat his own tail this is another traumatic thing what is that about it's about self destruction self avatar inside and us as a society as a species that's on some mushrooms I don't know if y'all ready to get into that

are you on mushrooms right now nah but I do feel like connected you know Everyone in the crowd is like To who? To everybody They're like this ain't our narrative at all We all won you know what I mean

I feel it I feel it round Something's going on in here You smell some Icy hot in the air? I don't know you know He about to rock somebody's socks after this You got a whiff of some denture cream What got you turned on?

The energy man let me slap my chair back you don't feel it I'm here for it what if it's all your shit I'm feeling your vibes like what if you're somewhere and I'm feeling your vibrations and I'm like excited a little bit

well sir this is a podcast I don't know what vibes you feel not aroused like in a sexual way but aroused in a very sensual alive way present are y'all getting these vibes also this man is holding his chest

he's ready to call the cab he's like ah it's not good for my energy this is cool okay so how often do you do mushroom maybe twice a week but not on a level that's I do crazy

shit when I'm somewhere dope like I was in the Maldives and I did acid for 16 hours in the ocean the day is 24 like what but But, but, black man swimming, I'm here for that. Yeah.

Hashtag black men who swim, I live. Swim in a lot of oceans, and some seas too, you know what I mean, it's not bad. Some seas? Some seas. Okay, so what is this? Mediterranean sea. Okay, so it's like a little bit enclosed?

Yeah, that's definitely a little bit enclosed. It's a warmer feel, you know what I mean? Okay, because there's also gulfs, you know, that's something else. I've done gulfs, I've done gulfs. What I like about gulfs and bays is the water's calm. Oh, bays! Yeah.

Old Bay, or no, he's talking about the Bay. Old Bay is good, too. That's for the Atlantic salmon when you get it. You say salmon? Yeah. I'm new. You hit the L hard. Yeah, but I'm new.

I'm new. Oh, I can't trust you, man. What do you mean you new? I'm new. You don't know how to say salmon? We say catfish where I'm from, and we eat those type of fishes, and then this is something new. That's what I mean.

Like, so you got to pronounce it. I still, I call, I call, I call it cons. I've been to cons. And they're like, it's cans. Cans. And I'm like, no, nigga, it's whatever I call it. It's not, y'all both saying it wrong. It's French and y'all both saying it wrong.

How do you say it? It's kind of. First off, I'm American. We the number one. We got the biggest guns. It is whatever the fuck we call it. We got the most trauma. Okay, what question did I just ask?

I think you asked yourself. It's about mushrooms. You asked yourself something and then, okay, go ahead. I was like, what? That's the question I asked. Yeah, so that's when I tripped. I just tripped New Year's. I was in Israel on Jaffa Court, with the rocks splashing.

Me and my lady, and we both was on shrooms as the year turned, so it was cool. I know it's weird, but. It's not a big mushroom prep? This is in the second row. You like, what? Yeah. Yeah, my friend in here, she likes mushrooms.

We gotta get more niggas to do shrooms, more black people to do shrooms and have these experiences. Black people in here, have you done shrooms? There you go. There you go. Well, you're in luck. Look underneath your chairs. We got shrooms for everybody.

You get shrooms. You get shrooms. You don't get shrooms. You get shrooms. I might do something in Japan. I want to go to Suicide Forest and have a nice mushroom soup. Wow. Way to bring it back.

In case y'all forgot. In case y'all forgot. I'm sad. yeah I know we gotta enjoy our sadness I talk about it on stage life is ups and downs man we enjoy the ups we gotta learn how to enjoy the downs

this is our life this is it you know this is it so yeah we gotta experience all of it look at all the damaged people clapping they're like yeah preach I feel seen I'm so sad so Sidney

I mean I feel him on that because as you the people who listen to the podcast y'all know I've been sad for many years and now I'm on Wellbutrin it's a different type of sadness but you know I'm out here floating

like a plastic bag in the wind yeah but I've been in that place where it's just like I talk about it a lot and then people are like yeah I guess I guess we gotta accept that you're like a morbid person right Yeah.

Because I talk about it. I talk about, like, what my funeral is going to be like. I'm going to have a guest list. Who's going to be there? Who's going to play? Yeah. Who's the DJ going to be? I'm thinking about Khaled.

I think DJ Khaled is going to come to your funeral. Yes. Yeah. You think he's going to outlive you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. DJ Khaled? When you have that much money, like, they pump stuff into you to make sure that you live.

Ah, like Magic Johnson. First off, you talking about, like, the IVs? I just had an IV nigga at the crib. At the crib? Just to let you know, we're moving up in the world. It was an IV nigga at the crib doing a two-hour IV, not on me, but just explaining what this thing is. And I'm like, nah, I'm not mentally ready yet.

I still say salmons. So what is in the IV drip? And they come to your house? It depends on what you want. They can put a bunch of vitamins in you, like stuff that you feel you're missing. They can do hangover recovery. um yeah they just they just yeah they put it in they put it in you you talk some people get

massages while this is going on this is some like elon musk yeah that's what it is it's for it's for people who are high level work you know i mean and they like to work and they don't have time high level work aka just high well yeah all that how much does this cost is this from groupon i don't know really you probably can't groupon if a bunch of niggas i don't want to put somebody the Groupon to put a needle in my arm. They're going to be like, I've dropped it. Depends on who do it. You know what I mean?

But it's a bunch of shit out here that you're like, oh, shit, this is interesting. There's a bunch of interesting shit out here. So the dude was at your house, but you didn't get it done? Me personally, I didn't get it done. You rather do

acid and go swimming with Nemo and shit, but you're like, I'm not going to do this. First off, Nemo. Well, I was it wasn't Nemo, but it was like more octopus. And it's the Maldives. So I was so like big ones are like little tiny ones. Man, it's all also calamaris. No, it was a win.

Yeah, that's weird. Whatever, you know, she she cultured or whatever. But it was some it was some cuddle. It was some cuttlefish out there. Oh, they so that was a Pokemon. They tiny little they like tiny little they look like aliens. They got the flutter in the back and then they look at you with eyes and then they got little tentacles in the front.

Oh, I dated somebody who looked like one of those. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. You know what I mean? 2012. But I was able to connect to me like one of the first organisms that crawled out of the ocean, you know?

That's how connected to the ocean I was. Everybody feels high right now. What are you talking about? I was like, yo, this edible is strong. I'm looking at you like... When you were like this, I felt that. I was like... I seen it when I did it, you know what I mean?

Okay, so yeah, Sidney, did you also... No, I'm sober. Is anybody else high? Okay, the cool people in the back. They on poppers. Y'all feel this? Sidney, do you have any other questions for Byron? I will say that just listening to Byron's stand-up,

which you guys all should, he's freaking incredible. He's so funny. You have a way of talking about things that could be problematic, but you just like flip it around and make it make sense like you have you have a joke about michael jackson and it's so funny it's so good y'all know it's great it's so funny now they want to hear it you got to go to japan you gotta go to japan and catch the set there i mean that joke might be on the contract so i couldn't really tell it oh okay on this platform do you hear that That book is blessed.

That means we didn't pay him enough. All right, cool. We're going to Venmo him. I think it comes from being in a situation not kind of like that and having those same vibes and thoughts. Like, how can I, wow, this shit is going on.

Wait, Sidney, why did you bring it back to Michael Jackson? I don't know. The joke was good, though. The joke is good. It's a great joke. Yeah, but they're not going to hear it. Okay, you're right.

And we just, we was like, we was in the Maldives, nigga. Damn. Y'all mad at me? Y'all fine. It's fine. We're good. And I think because I come from that place of sexual abuse, I basically say, like, how do you go back to regular sex after that?

Like the Micah Jackson suck-up dick. How can you go back to regular head? Some girl that works at the check-in place. Now you're 17. You were 17 years later. and some chick 17 trying to go down and suck your dick and you're like oh stop this ain't how you suck dick

you're supposed to spin first then drop to your knees you know what I tell you but when he does it standing up he do the spins it's such a good spin he dropped to his knees anyway

but those things come from the point of view come from a real place you know i mean that's like some of the stuff behind it is like oh yeah you know so i mean you guys earned that joke you listen to the beginning with the old ladies and then and the leather jump rope well i mean somebody out here just sucking dick because and i'm thinking like man how many blowjobs i got because i couldn't eat pussy right and i'm like man see as a woman you're looking at it as a as a victim and as a guy, I'm like, man, these niggas are geniuses. All you gotta do is do fucked up shit, and you gonna get the head

anyway? Not to Marie Faustin. I'm going home. I'm not getting in that basement. I'm not doing none of that stuff. It was a chick who couldn't get proper hair. It was all teeth, and it hurt. Good. But I made her keep doing it. You made her. She gotta learn somehow, you know what I mean?

And I took that. I took the pain. It hurt for two days. I have this ring on. actually never mind yeah never mind it got little the diamond the stone set things you know that like hold it in place and uh i was at this dude's house and i was giving hand job he was like he's like please take your rings off i was like no i don't want to forget them I need them variation of her

I love it I mean I licked my hand he was like nah look I had a trick look I'm from the hood and shit happens in the hood motherfuckers be like tricking niggas into having babies and shit

and I'm the son of a paranoid look at all the white people what they do that there but why are they what I'm a paranoid schizophrenic son You know what I mean? So I'm paranoid myself. So I would have sex, and when I would wear a condom,

I would keep the condom with me. For how many days? Now, I would drive down the street, and then I would toss it in the middle of the woods. Stop it. Yeah. So one time, this chick woke up early. She woke up to use the bathroom,

and she saw the condom on the floor. And I felt her, like, touch it, and I came over out of my sleep like, don't touch that! And she's like, what the fuck? What the fuck? And I was like, oh, man, no, don't worry about it. And she was like, that's weird.

Why'd you don't do that? And I was like, it's mine. I was like, that's mine. I was like, how you gonna complain about me about my shit? That's my condom and the condom that I had on. And she got mad. And while she was mad and she was arguing, I just took it. And just like hit, balled it up.

And you were like. Marie, what is wrong? That's good though. That's when you're real about that life. You know what I mean? he's a mule for his own come wow but people do that with drugs why wouldn't they do that

you're a mule that's what you are that's closure for you that's the snake eating yeah it is but it ain't closed for me but way to bring it back Marie I see you differently now I'm like oh she gangsta

she about that life I mean I'm not all the things that you said I don't see why you wouldn't do that. You just throw it in the woods. You have your own little suicide forest. Cute. That is dope. Marie, you're a genius. That was another circle, sis.

I like that. I mean, pass the medibles on. I'll take it. That was a rumpus. It's in Los Feliz somewhere if y'all want to go visit. Los Feliz. I see some more judgment over there. What's going on, sis? I don't give a fuck.

You gotta see how my grandmother look at me. You know what I mean? Yeah, because you probably want to bang your grandma. Oh, no, no, no. You done banged on her friends. She's looking at you like... I would watch that porn. I'm just letting you know.

Yeah, I did. She going to take the life alert off? I did threaten to tongue kiss my grandma one time. Because she's in a hospital. She's in a coma. And I wanted to see... I wanted to see if she would move. I thought she was faking it,

and I wanted to see if she would move. Byron! Byron! Byron! Byron! Byron! Punchline will never have his back. This is crazy.

This is insane. I did try to tongue kiss my grandma. I didn't say try. I told her I would. I didn't try. I just wanted to see if she would move. That's why she be looking at you funny. She don't like what I do anyway.

You know what I mean? She told me. Because you banged on a hot girl. She told me when I started comedy, it hurt. I never told her it hurt, that she didn't like me doing stand-up. She don't like stand-up. She's a generation where they don't smile in photos. So an evil part of me is now that she can't move and she in the hospice,

every time I go see her, I lean over and tell bits. You work on material? You sound like, she sound like my ex-girlfriend. Wow. Ooh. Ooh. No, I mean, they know who your ex-girlfriend is, too. They don't know her.

Ooh. Oh, shit. Ooh. Security. Security, get this riffraff out of here. When do we, ooh. She said her name. Wow.

Adrian. That's rude. Like Rocky. She said it like Rocky. Sydney, we already, we went, we polled the audience. They listen to the podcast. We're cutting all of that out. That ain't going to make it.

That's why I'm not going to make the cut at all. Oh, well, can I get some cuts, too? No, just for the record. Ah, no. In the contract, it said you got to put everything in. Okay, so we're going to wrap you up. Oh, that was fast. Yeah.

I mean, don't you got a flight to catch? Yeah. You want to stay? I mean, how long is this going? Let's do a marathon. No. Who's for it? Yeah.

We ending suicide tonight One of you was going to do it But since y'all came Y'all changed y'all mind And we going to keep you here Until you want to do it again He got church The watcher there in the back

Like the fuck you are Going to do it to him Are you singing tomorrow? You singing tomorrow? You are? Oh so you got to go then What is it Catholic church? Oh you don't even know huh?

Scientology? Oh I heard they have good brunch the Scientology have good brunch on Saturday I did hear that they have but the LA center though but that's brainwashing they make you say they got good brunch brunch means something else brunch means something else?

brunch means anal and it's Tom Cruise so it don't hurt that's hilarious god damn she on one tonight yeah he got the shoes with the lifts yeah he don't hurt

yo a dude bang you in a wedge that dick gonna curve a little bit god damn he got his side way like this like he's doing that that damn damn y'all ever fuck with cricket dicks ladies round of applause some shit that curve damn everybody got insurance can you can you straighten the dick with insurance no i mean no i mean i guess you got to be born a certain way y'all should go to the south and fuck with some of them niggas down there and get an experience have a life experience something to tell your grandkids that sounds like you're sending them off to war yeah no war is coming you know i mean oh here we go back back to the title of his expertise trauma that's what it is

we got some doctors in the audience is there a doctor in the house we got a couple therapists in the front and they were like Oh, no way! Are you... With your titties out? You a therapist with your titties out? Do you have your titties out when you talk to your clients?

Like, yes. Go on. That's the kind of therapist I want. Where you at? What's your rates? Do you take Medicaid? Hey, do you do... Is there a such thing?

Can you do therapy and do a happy ending after that? No! No, I'm just asking because that's something I'm thinking about. I should create as a service. If you could get a massage and a happy ending, why can't you go and get your head worked on your mind massage and then get a happy ending after that? Okay, let's shark tank it.

Sell it to the people. No, true shit. I'm going to do it and I'm going to pitch it. If you can go get a massage to make your body feel good and then you get a release at the end, why can't you go to a therapist make your mind feel good and then get a release at the end yes

you just said what he said Marie yes but I'm trying to sell it to him how much money okay investors Facebook is interested he lifted up a number like I'm in for it 52 Facebook is here don't mention shit I said

I know y'all COO I don't know what kind of therapy you guys do there they go get out that is rude what year y'all graduate they do their hours here

they were like yeah we worked on this dude at the podcast he gave us a thousand hours not officially y'all ain't I just shot a film about trauma so I know y'all ain't ready for that type of level okay flex what kind of movie

give him the IMDB Shia LaBeouf got PTSD you know what I mean so that's official I don't know if y'all ready for that level you gotta have your technique down before you have somebody like that Wow you just dragged them

They trying to do their hours Somebody gotta tell them They already know Before they own an HBO documentary like that chick Who started a company and didn't have her expertise down I fuck with her You know how white women be goddamn millionaires And they really ain't figured it out yet

They just lied the whole time Maybe all gooped up Gwop That documentary Sydney you like that documentary Yeah I just like blanked for a minute I was like wow

we ain't talking about shopping or no other shit I was like architecture 997s what's that it's a particular year 2005 through 2011 Porsche 911

it's just those specific years though that's why it's a 997 oh you a part of the Illuminati oh well what say it again it's a year between 2000 9-11 the car is porsche 9-11 but each car yeah okay but each year has a different number like you got 9-11 9-12 9-9-6 9-9-3 yeah those are different years those are different i'm just giving you different years but it's something you have to research on y'all it's because they've been out 50 some years okay clap okay what somebody clap if you know, if you understood.

Okay. Sir? How unfortunate. I've driven through this city before in a car, just jumping the heels and like, going through the gears. It's not like you said jumping in heels.

That'll be dope. So where, same, that's what he wear to church tomorrow. Jesus. Praise him. work in the inclines love it i thought about oh that's not an incline what is it that's i don't know maybe a top shop something a nasty gal i know nasty guy i know the creator nasty guy sophia maruso okay okay you want to keep say that on the pod we keeping that in shout out you know i mean shout out to sophia russo well can you get us a hookup like can we get like 20

percent off or it's nasty gal no that's what is it now girl boss she sent my girl so if you look at my Instagram I'm wearing a girl balls black it's nicely made quality when you know good quality it feels good when you have it on and people be looking at me like what the fuck girl boss you know I mean so you You can flip that. Like, I'm a girl boss. You can flip it and make it into anything you want to, you know? You took the narrative.

You changed it. I like that. What other types of stuff are you posting on your Instagram? A lot of travel stuff, man. I'm not, people, comedians be mad because they're like, you don't use it right. But my thing is to take, show people, like, where I'm from and who might not necessarily get to the places that I get. Because I didn't know I would get to these places, what these places are. So if I'm in Israel, I just did a month in Israel, and I'm showing them that.

Or if I'm in Maldives, I'm showing them that, you know, especially for my family. So I keep it real, try to keep it intimate. Me and my girl, we do a lot of awards, so we have to go get seats and dresses for that. Oh, yeah, he working. Yeah, I help her do, you know, pick colors. She didn't like wearing greens when we met. She didn't like wearing greens, and I was like, you got green eyes, you know. You got green eyes?

Okay, next. You're going to make your eyes pop, you know what I mean? Next. So, yeah. How old is she? Okay. That's a good question. I don't know if she want me to say her age.

Is it age appropriate? Hell no. She's young. She's a young lady. You know what I mean? So that means she's 50. I mean, we... If we eating with fucking girl boss,

then you know 70-year-old, this is some young, powerful women empowerment shit. A cute 48. No, she's not 48 at all. She around my age. Okay. Okay, 42. Yeah, yeah.

around that close close okay she's an activist you know i mean great we love that don't like none of this shit i say but that's why i'm saying in the dark room like this one um i love that for us um but we we did also want to open the floor up a little bit yes any questions because we want if there's something if there's something that you're in the audience and you need advice with because you know we're the unofficial expert we're here to help you uh with your issues. Or roast them very loudly with our friend Byron. Yes, and whoever has

the best question or expertise, we're giving out merch tonight. Merch. We have merch. Is it underneath the table? Yes, it is. It's under Byron's shoes. Byron, can you pass it to us? Okay. So, is there anybody in the audience who thinks that

they're an unofficial expert? I don't even know where it is. I'm just going to put my shoe on the table. It's under my shoe? we don't know where it is from you said did you put it up right here okay yeah

sorry okay so whoever it is whoever has a question come up here so you can have the mic okay come up yay give it up oh she got a little off the shoulder number oh wow sexy wow

sexy oh you take the long way I feel like you would have just No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine. And you're tall, too. Love it. Round of applause. Gotta see the whole look. Hey.

Oh, you're gorgeous. Wow. Wait, come over here. Kiss her. Kiss her. Oh, he's down. He said kiss her. it's going to be safe

wait I can't see y'all going to do it or not Cindy asked her for hock and sip is it okay she said she wow you going to roast me when I'm about to

throw it down on you she was like I'm so tall okay well can you lean up can you lean like this look at all these hoes

I want to be sipping while y'all do it. First, you have to ask your question. You have to ask your question. And then she's going to decide if the question deserves a kiss. Yes. She remixed it again. How hard is it to move to New York? Since you could Google that, that's silly.

I'm not wasting my lips on that. Sis, sis, you asking the wrong people because we're from New York. So we didn't have to move there. We just, you're not going to get your girl back. I'm letting you know. But if it's. I guess this meant like for someone in their 30s, would you like recommend moving? No.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Versus what? Versus, what's the options? If you're in your 30s and you want to do something, you're not going to die until you 70, 80, 90. Do the thing that you're thinking about doing. I think realistically, you know, like, have some money saved up,

you know, have a place that you know you're going to live, and then go there. Or don't do none of that shit. What size do you wear? I move from Atlanta to L.A. with some duffel bags and an old car, right? So yeah, you got to do it.

Huh? Like 30. And look at him. He's going to Japan tomorrow he's doing comedy he's paying his bills like this you know he's wearing girl power blouse uh blouses you know are you thinking about moving to new york then let's go you always look you always come back to comfort you got us you always come back to comfort but you can't stay with me but um you know i live by myself uh and you and you got a husband yeah you can go any way you want to this is your country

These white people got you brainwashed Thank you Thank you friend Thank you Look at all the women now They're like I have a question Hold on What was that hand over here

Okay She just called you thirsty Alright come on She said sweet Oh come on I was joking Wow Way to turn it around

You are such a mean host okay come look at me radiating light both of the therapists getting up here therapist adjacent oh y'all wow y'all looking uh oh kiss them like a scruple they're gonna be having they're gonna have on pants in three years but the shoulder gonna be sharp okay you gotta ask the question and then take pictures of them now so when they add boozy like therapists be like remember you motherfuckers

oh yeah no if you guys want to use your phone now you can use it to take pictures and tag us in it also bet okay so we have a question okay I'll stand like this god damn girl

somebody was like what oh you don't want to be seen with your black friends wow Oh, that's hilarious. Wow. You heard that? Yeah, I heard it. Wow.

But she got a... Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir!

Yay! That kiss looked dry. Yeah, it is a guy. He gives his grandma sexier than that. That's hilarious. Yeah, it's true though. It's true. Man.

Wow. Anyway, was there a question? Okay, so we know how you feel about therapists wearing Toms. And we want to know what are appropriate shoes for therapists to wear. Ah. Scatchers. Like shape-ups? You gotta go.

Young therapist coming in a shape-up. Throw the whole shoe away. Throw the couch away. Throw the therapist away. No. No. You get those after over 21. What the fuck you...

Feelers. I like a sensible Zara's shoe. Like a cute shoe from Zara. I feel like... Zara's. Zara's. I feel like a therapist should have on a tassel loafer. No, these are nice.

Okay, that ain't bad. A chaussure, you know? Suede or leather? Yes, they have both. Leather, not a suede. Because it rains. You guys look real cute. This is, y'all did this for us.

Okay, the friend is looking at you like she want a kiss too, sis. Yeah. She blew her hair out and everything. I think you ought to kiss her too. The messy gays in the back. No, they lit. They lit. You gotta kiss a friend, too, sis.

Or y'all gotta kiss something, because... No, not make out. Sidney, that's aggressive. No, thank you. You sure y'all don't need therapy? Okay, wait, what's that? How's y'all relationship with y'all father? Because a black man who fucks women like y'all...

Y'all get Ypres Ho shirts. Y'all a mess. Yes, Ypres Ho! y'all a mess oh wait is this a large oh no that's a small okay ladies thank you guys sydney can't kiss all the white women tonight we've been here we're gonna miss that flight who's flying we got a flight we flying out tomorrow okay this is so messy wow um my flight in two hours i think i don't know okay i don't gotta go through security though because you got I pre-check.

Niggas are living good these days. Clap it up for niggas living good. You in first class? Yeah. One thing this administration did for niggas was make the enemy look different. So I could just skip through the airport making bum jokes. And they're like, nigga, get the fuck out of here. They do ask me about my homeboy Amir a lot, though.

But I'm like, I'm not a snitch. They said they're not on board for that. they were like I don't give a fuck they were like talk about Michael Jackson no my bad

I didn't mean to oh y'all already hear about no no please don't damn y'all like my family at Thanksgiving

I'm just trying to say the grace I'm just trying to grace the food bless the food no you look like your prayers be long

and people be sad at the end the turkey be drier than when it started yeah and they're like oh we just we want to eat

Uncle Byron it might be trippier it might be trippier because my relationship with God is closer than theirs only because of mushrooms and shit

it's just gonna be trippier okay way to bring it back they're so excited full circle full circle okay does anybody else

have any questions last question wow you're already wearing a baby shirt that's obsessed is that Kelly

bitch Kelly you're obsessed I love you turn it to a crop top yes oh come on if you got Get your camera, take it out now because, god damn. Kinser! Kinser! Kinser! Hey, hey, hey! Kinser! Kinser! Kinser! Yeah, Kinser! Ah!

Get that ass up. Don't you dare. Hi ladies, okay, date night? Girl, you got your whole, uh, wait, your belly button is just out. Like, it's just like, hey. Um, wow. Oh, you guys are cute. What the fuck?

Fuck! What's happening here? Oh, y'all definitely kissed before. Y'all didn't made out. Y'all showed each other labias and everything. Yeah, they play spin the bottle and seven minutes of heaven and all them white people movie games.

Y'all be sharing diva cups and everything. She be like, can you fix it? And she be like, let me. Friendship, blood sisters. Are you synced up? Mine's came, so yours is coming. I'm almost done with this tampon. You can have it tomorrow.

Shut up. Okay, grab it. God damn. Let's touch tits. Okay, Kelly and Jordan. Okay, that's a cool friendship name. Y'all got matching bracelets. This is for our boys in the back.

What are your real opinion on the movie Cats? This show is not that gay, sis. We don't do cats here. Wow. Who the fuck saw Cats? Yeah. Did all of y'all see Cats? Yes!

Y'all in the navy? What the fuck going on back there? Cats was racist and homophobic. It was? You see what they did to Jason Derulo and Jennifer Hudson? Well, Jennifer Hudson looked like a homeless wolverine. Idris was in that movie? Yep.

He didn't even promote it. He was like, ah, I got my check. I'm out. He was like, thank you for all the money. Speaking of Idris, I did a film with Idris. I'm going to be in a cowboy movie. It's probably going to be like later this year. Oh, here you go, Stuntman.

Boo. Does Idris smell as good as he looks? I mean, I don't know. Wait, no, no. Where are you guys going? Yeah, that's the thing about it. Y'all can't go nowhere looking like this. Y'all got to stay.

Okay, one more question. Okay, wow. So this is that number two. Wow. They definitely paying it tonight. your advice on trying to start a relationship with a best friend.

Woo, Jordan! Ha! Get her! Get her! Get her! Get her! Get her! Get her!

Get her! Get her! Get her! Oh! I didn't preface that with a guy. A guy. A boo.

Since you're trying to date dudes, that's good. Boo, get out. That's trash. Do you want a shirt? That's on 2019. So you have a friend that you're good friends with. What?

No, he. She said he. Okay, okay, okay. The gay man in the back. I'll take your man. They're like, shit. I'll take him. Where he at?

I'll take your man. So how long have y'all been friends? Oh, girl, that's not really a friend. Oh, he's just waiting to get the pussy. Yeah, he's waiting to get the pussy. Yeah, you really close. Because he's trying to get some pussy. Yeah.

that's rude we don't talk like that or i'm sorry no not y'all just blame it on me that way y'all don't take heat for it byron boy said it both those times uh but you since you've never seen no movie from like the 90s where the dude is like in love with the chick and he like gross and they in high school and then he gets sexy and she get fat or whatever the movie is i feel like those movies always end what you do is this is what you do you set him up with a girl who's gonna ruin his life and then he's so weak that all you do is be like look at me i got my shit together which is not true but he can't see because he's so distraught and homeless that he has to be with you and then when he gets when he gets his money together he

gets you a dusty ring from k jewelers and then y'all get married hey that's some people's story here tonight hey that sounds like a genius plan thanks ladies he got a job this guy yeah okay he works at google everybody work at google or some type of thing where the old school ups niggas at they're at work right now wrapping boxes they're not watching the unofficial expert live yo kelly where'd you get that thing from girl man you know how nervous it is to tell somebody that you're cool with, that you like them. Well, what's the worst that can happen, sis?

Y'all don't hang out no more. You lose a friend that you've only had for a year. Well, what's so good about now? Okay, so. Best friends mean nothing. If Marie would give it up to me, I'd take it. Oh. That's because you know it would be good. I think it'll be good.

Yes, sir! Yes, sir! How many of y'all think it'll be good? Round of applause. Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Sidney is wow this has been such a fun ass show guys segue

oh my god I'm so happy I feel great Byron did we figure out your expertise though yes what do we drama oh you know what

damn it could be my show is about that You just now realized that you got a lot of trauma? I don't think I had a lot of trauma. Geriatric pussy, I heard. The therapist said geriatric pussy expert. Well, I mean, that probably stems from trauma. You know what I mean? Okay, so it's trauma.

Okay. He's a trauma expert. Psychedelic healing. A part of that, too. We all connected. Someone said no. Yeah. All the cats were like, uh-uh.

You haven't spent enough time with me. They were like, meow. You haven't spent enough time with me. They're hissing in the back. Also, I didn't see Cats, so I couldn't. I didn't see Cats either. I heard it was terrible. I can't believe people went to see Cats.

I heard it was just as bad as Hustlers. That movie was bad, and people were like, J-Lo didn't get nominated for an Oscar. And I was like, ha! Good. um okay so you know this has been such a great time san francisco what the fuck you guys came out thank you you're so blessed i'm proud of y'all give it up for byron bowers please follow him what's your instagram at byron bowers

that's it no number no dash no heart no underscore original the mother niggas died you know what I mean or if they're not on Instagram yeah Byron thank you so much for being here thank y'all

thank y'all for having me thank you so much unofficial expert in trauma get some merch get some merch too man we got a little bit left we have a little bit left

cause y'all y'all google niggas can't really dress as well so get some merch is that a way to sell anything

yo he gonna see you outside the way he squared up right now what shoes you got on what are those what are those kangaroos you got them from china okay so the sturdy shoe yeah you're gonna kick you in your neck

it's all good guys you're gonna come wait one more thing and if you do have your phone please take it out now and um you know take a picture uh tag us let these hoes know we out here let them let them know that the skin is flawless flawless flawless on the first day of the period well look at us tag the unofficial expert and our actual handles too

that's what that tingly feeling was yes and then leave a fun caption like oh my god they're better than Beyonce

someone said ah they put their phones down and I'm like absolutely not anyway we'll be here for a couple more

minutes we appreciate you guys for coming we love every single last one of you freaking beautiful San Francisco yeah

wow And we got City to kiss somebody I mean it was a white woman in the front row But we got City to kiss somebody tonight Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her Anyway, have a good night guys We love you Forever

Dog This has been a Forever Dog production Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio And Alex Ramsey For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook.