Middle-aged opinion - Little bit of everything

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode today. We have stories from all over the place. We hope you enjoy.

What do you think that? What don't you think of that? I think that girl has got everything. I want to go on an adventure scene with the dog. I feel like we need to plan something. Oh, did I did I send it? I don't know. I don't pay attention.

I blew you out, didn't I, over? Oh. Oh, Christmas. Yeah. I'm just saying what's happening here. What's happening here? It's Mason. she's the party moving on

I was like What's wrong? What's wrong? Right, what was I doing? What was I doing? Looking up to see what bullshit you sent me Oh loads Loads loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of bullshit I think it's more on the Is that not what I've sent you? Yes

Yeah, no I've been sending me all Middle age, middle age yeah Because I didn't want to over spam you I don't want to spam you I don't watch at them all anyway weird eyes our little short mate I'm sorry

you need to calm down because some of them are just popping up and I'm like that did you see the ones I sent you about them opening that can of fish yeah and they're just sitting in the back seat puking all over the ones at the front I was hysterical I was crying

I was laughing like that It was well funny. Yeah. Why don't you talk to anyone anymore on a run? I'm like, barely trotting along. Like, can you hurry up? You're embarrassed me.

And just taking my finger on. You say 25. You love him. Press the watch if it come on press the side button see it makes me so happy So she moves the whole thing this one yes sweet put it back down and then you can download the app and take a charge of you do hilarious you probably should bro I see nothing about adventures just random bullshit Of this one no it ain't that no that does look fun So there is a couple of hikes yes and we can take the docks

Yeah, I'll show you Where? I'm serious like soon we're going soon as soon as the you know when March when the weather just turns all of a sudden That's when we're going I'll send you over a couple that I've got on my phone I'm happy to camp tonight as well I'll get like a two man tent No, we need a bigger one of two fuck four man tent And then we just camp the night no one will hurt us. I'll just send the dog out And he could be like that in their faces

and that he'd be at the back like sitting on her ass because she doesn't want anyone to put her nose at her ass and then she'll be go you go first she's like mum what are we doing it'd be like woof roo wheef well you see now he goes when people just come in proper charge at me i was like whoa hang on well he's just checking that your friend friend not phone can't blame him I wear my glasses every time I come around here like I don't know what you me, but he won't leave the look, will it? It'll be the smell. I still smell the same.

I smell like un-washed. Once he realised, it was you. He didn't attack, did he? He was well close. He was really deciding it was me. Well, that's on you really, isn't it? I was in your ass. Oh, whatever they said.

So I had a bloke today to put some locks on the window in case there's a fire. What? Yeah, I said, why are you doing this? And he said in case there's a fire and I went, so you're locking me in. So I burned to death. It was very confusing. I don't know if he knew why he was here. Lovely bloke.

Anyway, well, you are supposed to close the windows because the air vent makes the fire bigger. I don't really care. I'm going to leave. But are not? Do you need her to get out? Right. So, but now they like chains on there. See it?

In the far window. Yeah, so... Yeah. In case there's a fire. I don't understand. Yeah. So I went, wouldn't I just open that door? I don't understand.

So... I don't understand. You can't open that window any further than that now? Yes. Unless I unlock it. It's very weird. Apparently it's for a fire window. but I don't believe he knew why they were going in or why he was here today.

No, he's probably just giving the job and came. But, like, I'm just telling them. So I was explaining to him because I got offered to do a bit of plumbing, and I said to him, like, my confidence is quite low with it, and I really need to work on that and just start doing shit, right? So this is why it's explaining. Then I said to him, I've, you know, I've got a podcast with my friend, so you think I'd have more confidence.

Anyway, I was telling him about the podcast and I was like, you know, because some people stretch their ring pieces. And then he went, how do you stretch your ring piece? And I was like, are you asking for research or advice? But yeah, I think he wanted to know how he can stretch his ring piece. He said he's going to listen. So shout out to you and your ring piece. Let us know how the stretching goes. Oh, my God.

No, he was lovely. He's going to download it and listen. But a lot of people have asked me how you stretch it. I didn't know it was a thing before we done it. But I can only imagine it's the same as the earring. I don't know. Is it? Should we do?

When you stretch your ear, it stays. It doesn't go smaller. But obviously there's muscle in your palm. No, it's not. It's like an elastic band, isn't it? But there's still how... Because that's how you can... Push and hold.

because there's your muscle. Your bumhole. Your algorithm is going to go absolutely spastic. Right. Stretching your anus bumhole, research purposes only people. The anus plays, for anal play, sorry, for anal play, it plays a tune. For anal play involves dilation using fingers or sex toys like dildos or,

like dildos or butt plugs combination with relaxation techniques and general lubrication the process should be done slowly to avoid injury and pain is assigned to stop but it doesn't tell you how stretching methods fingers so I think anal dilation stretching kits let's go on shopping I would have thought anal dilation in itself is something quite natural because you poop. Or you can buy stretching rings. Oh my gosh. Stretching rings. Oh my God, you can buy stretching rings.

Okay, you can stop looking. No, I'm invested. Um, yeah. But I've been thinking about it since he left. How do you stretch your butt hole? stretching rings for butthole I hope the FBI never come shopping

oh there is many many different kits you can get fascinating in it and then they put exercise equipment there as well but it's literally stretching rings It wouldn't stay like that, would it? No, this is what I'm thinking. Your bum is, it's... So you've got pinhole to start with.

Then you go to stage two, which is up to 14mm, all the way up to 38mm, which is stage five. What? Yeah, you go all the way up to stage five. Well, I don't need to know, I guess. Yeah, now we know. So if it ever takes you, I want to know what size these go up to. Oh, you can use them on your penis as well.

What? To make your foreskin sit further down. Results after a few uses. Skin begins to loosen. Impute improvement during urination, enhanced movement. Fuck. Oh, I think these ones are specifically just for the penis. These also go up to 38mm.

Okay. 94% of customers found successful results after use. Okay, moving on. It's not even what today's podcast is about. What should we call today's? Randos, but we've called it that before. I'll think of something. You still stuck on the stretching.

It's just, I just, it's why do we need to be needed to. talk about. I like to. Oh, so bad. So bad. Right. Save. So bad. Right. So bad. So today we, well, we're back after Christmas. We are. We made it back. Yeah. Made it through. We hope everyone enjoyed theirs. I found it quite relaxing other than obviously upstairs having their family over and I wanted to stab them all at one point. But other than that, it was fine. It was fine. I think I just... It was nice to have the time off

and I'm not going to lie, I am glad to be back to everything. Yeah. I do feel like I've achieved nothing. I've not done anything indoors. I don't feel like I've achieved much as this last couple weeks. Yeah. I've been quite lazy to be honest. Yep.

Excuse me. I didn't do even nearly as much of the last. even nearly as much as I've planned to do. No, me, but I've not pulled or done one drawer, which I normally would be done by now. And I didn't even take my tree down Boxing Day this year to get on 27th. Because we've watched Stranger Things.

Have you caught up? Yeah, we watched it. Were you disappointed? I was disappointed. They killed him in 20 minutes, but... I mean, I just feel like I've got so many unanswered questions. Right. you know are Derek's family still tied up in that barn with a bag over their head?

Right yeah fair that's a fair question yeah because that's where they were left yeah does Robin have any family no no one that cares about her where was Max's mom while she was in hospital for that six could give a fuck about her either sounds like the 80s yeah getting on with her life. Yeah. I just have so many, like, what happened to the pregnant women?

The pregnant... Did they blow them all up? Did 11 die or survive? We don't actually... We're not actually sure. That was the theory, wasn't it, of his? But it does make sense. Yeah, but didn't...

I saw something that's on... What was it? Oh no, it was TikTok. It was on TikTok or something like that. Thank, good. Thanks, TikTok. Because you made my head spin a bit more. Yeah.

But somebody was saying, like, their idea of what's happened is actually... that um she stayed in the upside down no oh that Mike yeah it was about Mike it was Mike story yes and that Will did die but Mike couldn't cope with his best friend dying so through his being the reader of yeah yeah yeah I want to say Minecraft but he's done just And I'm just in dragons. He was the dungeon master and he was the one that made the story. Right.

It said that, or they think that he made his story, but Will was still in it. He was still alive. He was still part of it. And then, like, Elle was, like, fabricated. And it was just a whole his story about not being able to coat. I don't like that until. Wait, wait, because then they went into saying there's five episodes. Right.

And they're about all the different types of grieving stages. Oh yeah I don't like that one And I was like oh It's a good point And I can see it But I ain't happy with that No I don't like that one

I like the one where 8 was still alive And fabricated 11 being on the bus So did 8 get out of that building that they blew up No No no no

So how did she Keep her alive And get blown up at the same time But she didn't because once it went to ship, once it blew up is when 11 disappeared, wasn't it? No, because the building blew up first. Oh, then I can't help you.

But I still like that. That's where I'm going to leave it. It's like dungeon, not dungeons and dragons. With that bitch and the dragons, the incest, the family. The fuck is it, am I looking for? Stop it. You know what I do. But you keep talking, it's making it worse.

Dragons. Mother of Dragons. Game of Thrones. Yes. So it was like the ending of that. It was like, the fuck is this about? It was such a builder that it was like the last was rushed. Like they couldn't think of how to end it.

Reach out to the public people. So that is why. So I don't know. It felt a bit AI, but I don't know where it was. the girl who plays Bobby what's her face the girl who plays 11

yeah so it was shown her apologising and that they have all come together and decided that they're going to do one more yeah it's a lie

to listen to the public and I was like well no it's not I don't know what else you could do apart from time Alfi tried that with me earlier and he sent me a TikTok and he was like

this is the trailer for the new the new spin off oh I haven't seen the trailer oh Lucius is trying to tell me that the number of six is coming out today and I'm right fuck off so he sent me this thingy Bob and it was just basically a hopper in a wig doing a different skit on something

I was like such a fucking mug mate the fact that I sat and watched it is the joke like you need to get a life honestly but yeah I was so I was disappointed but I feel like I I don't know if I'm disappointed because it's the end. I just feel like they should have spent their time killing... What's his face? Vettner. Vettner should have taken longer than 20 minutes. Because the army couldn't do it.

It's taken five series. They can do it. They can do it. The army went trying to do it. And then... It takes 20 minutes. And I'm just like, no, you've done that too quick. If they've done that for an hour,

and then the last no because they did do it for an hour it should have been longer is what I'm saying and somebody should have died I think because I didn't even get to cry yeah I mean I had a sob I'm not going to lie about what I just thought it was you know like

they they feel the spaces with really long emotional chats between everyone while like you know the world was coming to an end yeah that was boring as fuck that was so boring it was like nobody cares about your problems yeah Yeah, but we all did

But not at that moment No, I didn't care Didn't care I was like, you're wasting my time Could have been an email Right Okay Hello everyone

And welcome to middle-aged opinion I'm your host Ellie And I'm your host Emily And today We are just doing a mish-mash To fill a space It's true It's a true story

It is a true story Yeah I mean we've saved so many That we're just like Going back and See what we got We'll tell the truth We just weren't prepared We hadn't even discussed it

What we want to do You wrong me Yeah When I was at college Yeah after I wrung your fortune At college Yeah And then I wrung you back when I finished

I thought she's in bed And wrung you the next thing he didn't answer and I was like what you wasted my time for brough wow yeah well answer the phone in it wow well right did I say more than four I thought I only say four save four save for what stories about what random shit but I actually say five oh I've got loads I've actually got I'll just be careful I don't read before how can you tell what you have and you haven't read I just got new ones. I need to delete them.

That's what I need to do. I, because I pre-read, I feel like I do remember. No, he just put his head through the cat flap. Just checking. Just checking.

Just checking. Right. Shall I stop? Yeah, go on. I've got four. I'm not going to read that one. A guy, oh no,

from confessions. Yeah? Confessions. A guy. A guy. thinks he raped me. Yeah, I know I thought I'd go right into it. Many years ago when I was 20 females, I had a crush on my bestie's cousin, 29 male. I had known him for my, for my friend's family, I knew him from my friend's family gatherings. But we didn't start getting, getting close until we

work together and I would sometimes give him a ride home since he lived a few minutes away from me. I knew he was flirty with me, especially knowing that I was newly single. We shared butts and a few times, it does say butts, and a few times we had to address the sexual chemistry. The first time was quick, but from talking, he knew I liked things rough. This was before discovering that I had a kink. I just thought I was broken. So the second time I came in after him a lift we start. Oh, the second time I had offered him a lift, he came in, because I'm trying to re-correct what she's written here. He came in and we started to fuck. And I playfully, I thought it was playful, said no stop. And he looked at me, his face immediately dropped and he

pulled out and started to apologise thinking he had forced himself onto me. I tell him it's okay, I liked it. I wasn't actually wanting him to stop, but he was full crashing out in his head And I was like, I'm fine, it's okay. I'm just going to go home. So she left and went home. He cried to my cousin, my best friend, who told me he was so sorry. I told her that it was fine. It wasn't like that.

And I think they just thought that I had accepted being the victim or something since she knows that I have an essay history. I was meaning it very playfully. To this day, if he sees me, then he's forever apologising. If I like something on social media that's anything to do with essay, he sends me messages and says how sorry he is. I don't know what to do to make him feel better. This was not rape and I don't want to unfriend him or block him because I feel like he will actually end up hating me and I will feel even more guilty.

I was young, dumb and uneducated on this type of kink. Please take it easy on me. I generally don't know what to do. What do you think? I think she's fucked with his head a little bit. Like he doesn't sound happy, does he?

No, because of the world we are in now, I think, you know, if that is a kink of yours, stop and then obviously they fuck you harder. I think now the world that we're in is... If you haven't laid down your rules and your boundaries... Or been together for a while... You can't actually talk or do that with each other. But she should have explained it and not just left.

Well, she clearly, they didn't lay down boundaries. Like, she didn't tell him clearly enough. This is what I like to do. I'm into that. Yeah. If I do do this, I want you to do that. Don't think.

I think, um, I feel really sorry for him. I feel really bad for him because obviously all it would have taken was one word. And he'd be in so much trouble. Yeah. No, yeah. He hated on him. Yeah.

It would have ruined his life. No doubt. It sounds like he, he has already got a bit of a, it's ruined his life. I think, um, the panic. I do think if you're into,

if you're into, If you're into anything that's not just straightforward sex, I do think it's a discussion that you have to have with someone else. Because if they take it literally, which, like I say, a lot of people will now because of the world we're in, I think this is a discussion before and a safe word for actually... So if you're saying, I'm going to say, stop and you carry on, then you have to come up with a new safe word in order that if something does cross the eye.

Say pineapples, that does mean stop. Yeah, but if I'm saying stop, that means carry on and go harder. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like these... Communication is so important. It's so important. Stop comment.

Sit down, explain to him what you've just told us. And in future, remember the golden rule for the sexual encounters is safe and consensual. They're not wrong. I mean, she does answer and goes backwards and forwards, but I feel like we're years down the line. and he's still feeling like he's raped you. Yeah. You clearly haven't explained to him. Thing is, this is like, you know, you're thinking,

that didn't happen. I've told him, I'm fine, I've never brought it up again, blah, blah, blah. But he is going to spend the rest of his life feeling like a monster. So I feel like it's your responsibility to contact him and explain that it is one of your kinks, and you should have made that clear before, you know, your sexual encounter. I don't know why you haven't, if I'm honest. ain't it?

Yeah. Like, to come on to it to be like, I did this 24 years ago and the bloke still's still sorry. Yeah. We, yeah, yeah.

Maybe you haven't done something here. She definitely hasn't done something here. And it's unacceptable, actually. Okay. Yeah. Okay, this is from co-worker stories. New, hire got fired on day one for stealing all the coffee. Fair play. I would steal all the coffee.

Never steal the work coffee. It's not really shit. Normally shit. Sounds like it was good. This really amused me. We hired this lady who during her morning training process seemed pretty high strung but nothing too hard to deal with. Midway through the day we were in the break room and she gestured at two large full bags of Starbucks beams next to the coffee maker and asked everyone in there, who's all these? And someone responded, oh, they are free for everyone to use. The company buys coffee for everyone. And she said, oh, cool. Starbucks ones. Yeah, I bet they were nice. I guess she was leaving for the day. I guess as she was leaving for the day, she took this very

literally and put both bags of beans in her purse as she was going home. There was a hubbub the rest of the day as everyone was confused there was no more coffee. Eventually it got put together she took them. I think someone saw it happen. She came in today for 10 minutes was called into the manager's office now she's gone. I feel like she's She asked. I feel like she said, whose coffee is this and they went, it's for anyone. So she said, sweet or have it? Thanks so much. Just open that door quickly, please. I don't feel like they said it's for the taking. They said it's for anyone. She went, sweet, thanks babe. She went, sweet, thanks babe. And off she went. Moving on with her day. I feel like this is a misunderstanding. No, she took the piss, obviously. She's coming back tomorrow for two more back.

Yeah, like she took the piece. I don't know what she was thinking, but I bet you that was her answer. I do. I feel like she's one of those. They would have been like, they said it's for anyone. So I thought it was for me. And my family. And anyone else that ever entered my house ever.

People at my mum's work, do that. Still the coffee. they yeah they do mom buys the milk everyone uses milk no one brings their own milk mom always buys milk um like the patients bring in like

gifts and like big boxes of chocolates and stuff for the staff but like big boxes yeah to share to share and if it hasn't been open straight away they're gone people bag them take them do it with the coffee do it with tea bags.

I always say as well, you know, like, when we go to Butlings, we leave all that wine and all that. That is like, that is all your Christmas presents and birthday presents for the year, mate. Yeah, but when you're leaving it, it's fine,

but when it's being gifted to a whole team and somebody has got the audacity to bagging it as well, who's bagging it all. Yeah, of course. She knows who's doing it. It's part, I mean, it's pikey but at the same time.

She's like, thanks. I mean, the milk gets some mum's nerves because they'll use it and then like she'll go and makes it. She'll go to make herself a cup of tea and there's no milk. She's like cereal, like five bowls of cereal. She's like, where's the...

But yet no one's replaced it. Would she label it? Why don't they get tea and coffee in the staff room like for them? They should do. Yeah. Every place I've ever worked, there's always been tea and coffee because that's the least they can do. Especially when you're on your break and all that.

Yeah. I mean we have crap tea bags but we've got tea and coffee either way. And there should be. Gay lords! Top comment. Yeah. If there is one quick way to inspire mutiny it is to do a coffee ice. Yeah, that's true.

Can you close the door please. No, not again. It's your fault for not putting your leg there. That's all I'm saying. I was about to get up. Why? If you thought I will laugh. No, no.

Did you see those moves? Yeah. No, quick moves. Although you got asked as well, Harry, it needs I need to watch this again. No, Dave. Zeus. No more. Relax.

Bricorn. Yeah, go on. Carry on. Top comment. Sorry. She should have started small time. Sharpie's tip binder.

No more. Relax. Clips from the office supply closet. She went straight in for Fort Knox. Old one liner by... No. No. He's going to like...

Go lay down. Nibble my arm. No, you're a guess. So maybe not. Just ours. Although he is slowing down. of that shit. No more.

My uncle is stupid. He got fired from the bank for stealing pens. I mean, come on. Right. No. My boyfriend wants to eat me out. This is from true off my chest. My boyfriend wants to eat me out.

I'm disgusting down there. He's been telling me that if I want to, he'd be glad to eat me out. It turns us both on, but my shitty fucking body gets in the way. Okay. I don't want anyone to have to go down there. It's a mess. My vulva is just aesthetically unpleasing to look at.

I get ingrown and abscesses down there. if I have to have them drained they are right next to my vulva the last one was the size of a golf ball she's making me click that badge do those exercises I hate my vagina so much I have super heavy periods so I was put on birth control to stop the flow

I have anemia because of the blood loss and the loss of iron These pills don't make my flow go away completely. I have random spot in, which means I have to wear panty liners 24-7. Shush. Maybe not right after showering. The blood is old, so it's brown.

It basically looks like I've shit my pants constantly. Why didn't... Sorry, carry on. Yeah. I want him to go down on me, but he needs to be prepared for what's going on down there. We're both virgins, both 18. I don't want him to go down there, see my ugly vulva.

I hate that she's calling him that. Lick and taste old blood. Jesus, the fault of this makes me feel sick. He has such a beautiful face. I don't want it meat in the most disgusting thing about me. And shaving as well. trim my bush but but I do have one

but no way am I touching my ass hair that shit would itch like so bad I'm going to cry this weighs on me so heavy I hate my vagina I hate your vagina I don't like a vagina either

well she certainly painted a picture there don't she yeah I mean my initial was with all that the dead like the dead blood and stuff. In my head, my initial was like,

why doesn't she just have a hysterectomy? But if she's only 18 years old. Yeah, like she, yeah, she's got time for kids and all that. I feel like maybe she might be just being overly judging herself.

I feel like she is. Because I think we've spoken about it before, like how actually everybody is different. There is not just a, this is how it looks one way, is the right way. And I don't, know any straight women

I'll say that, that look at their vagina or have seen anyone else's vagina and gone that's a fit vagina ever, never not once in my life. I think genitals full stop are they? They're not amazing are they? Do you know what I mean? And I think

if I was hurt I've got like some of these slime on my face I don't know, a bit bone I think Go and get yourself waxed Make sure you're not in a flare up You need to change your contraceptive Because if you're break through bleeding

That's what I'm looking for This contraception is not the right contraception Have a shower Make sure you're clean and everything like that And then that would be the perfect time To try and experiment But I promise you if you love each other,

then it's not going to be a problem. Yeah. I mean, it's really not. It's not. You know. You're going to be all right. You're going to be fine. You're just got to go with it.

Yeah. I feel like you are being proper harsh on yourself because nobody likes their vagina, full stop. No one I know anyway. No. No. No. I don't, well, even guys and their peams.

I don't think there's anyone. Well, actually I would get. quite a few penises sent to us so it's not like they do yeah we do um I don't look at a penis and think ugh but I don't think oh that's so pretty it's so pretty I just don't do you know what I mean just think just think most time it's unnecessary I have preference when you're in it when you're in a relationship you don't really care you don't because it's about the person and I think as well when you're sexually aroused it just becomes sexy, not like disgusting.

Does that make sense? Like if you're in the moment and you're having sex, you're like, that's the best cock I've ever seen in my life because you're in the moment. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But I do think you're being too hard on yourself. And I think maybe start with other different types of ballplay

than him going down on you. Unless they're saving themselves. She doesn't say. but top comment says just do it after the shower when you feel like it is the best time no flare-ups and I'm sure he doesn't care about the hair

most men don't and you can have the lights off if that also makes you feel better so people are like yeah and then other people like girl you're so young I promise you none of this matters and that's what I mean like you know you are just beginning

to become sexually experimental and I think you're being way too harsh and I think don't look at pornos or in those magazines and think that that's reality because it's absolutely not yeah it isn't I think that is a big problem

massive problem and that is why a lot of boys grow up and try and fuck like jack rabbits that's not that's not what women like or want at all right do you know what I mean you know tits cannot move 360 degrees and be turned around yeah it's painful like it's just not reality and that's all i've got to say about that go

my wife is convinced that i've been replaced please help me i don't know what to do i'm new here i'm new here yes it probably sounds insane i should start with the back backstory and i mean he's proper gone to town with the fucking backstory Sorry. But God, how hard is it to remember the simple happy times before everything that happened? Excuse me. I met my wife, Catherine, when she was 24 and I was 28. We lived in a small town in Kentucky.

It was really a bad place. It's always fucking Kentucky. You'd have trouble finding it even with a map and the population was tiny. knew each other. I'd work as an electrician all my life. First at a factory, then I started my own small business, repairs, wiring, private jobs. My love life had never really worked out until I met her. She worked as an elementary school teacher, smiled at every child, was kind and polite to everyone. My Catherine was the only ray of light in the darkness around me. That's sweet.

That's cute. I loved her for her simplicity. Sorry. She could find joy in the most ordinary things. Morning coffee, the smell of wet grass, a cheap movie on the couch. We didn't have much money, but we had peace, a home, a dog, and that feeling that everything was right, that everything would be fine. I spent evenings fixing things while she wrote,

lesson plans or knitted. Sometimes we sit in silence listening to crickets or stay up all night talking about everything and nothing. Things about children and what would name them. Back then it felt like life had finally found its meaning. The problems began maybe two months ago. At first, small things, she started having trouble sleeping, then began looking at me strangely as if something in my face disturbed her. I asked if everything was okay and she laughed. Sorry, just tired. The kids at school are driving me crazy.

Gradually, though, I can't even say exactly when it got worse. She slept less, not because she had insomnia, but because she was afraid to fall asleep. I asked her what was wrong, but she said she was fine. Still, when we lay together, she'd suddenly get up and go into another room, returning only at dawn. She started having nightmares, but never told me what they were. One day I lost my temper. You have to understand, I was just worried for my wife.

From the lack of sleep, she started to look worse, dark circles under her eyes, red eyes, power skin. She lost weight and every time I tried to help, she pushed me away. So I sat her down across from me and directly asked what she was dreaming about. She was silent for a long time, trembling and glancing at me furtively, right? I don't know. As if she was afraid. And then when tears began to roll down her cheeks, she whispered. There's a man in my dreams.

God, I'm scared, Tom. I went to hug her and when I reached for her she flinched as if I'd frightened her. After that things seemed to get better or so I thought, how wrong I was. She used to ask how my day went but now she just stares out the window. With each passing day she spoke to me less and less, her words short and dry and then she got to the and then she'd go to the bathroom or kitchen for some errands. closing the door behind her, and it wasn't just the silence her eyes had changed. If before they were green, emerald-like, full of life and love, now her gaze made my spine go cold. There was an anger or hatred there, no, it was something closer to mistrust, weariness, as if she was.

seeing me for the first time. Over the next week I began to feel anxious, a strange burning under my skin as if something was wrong but I couldn't tell where to, to where the crack was until I realized she was studying me. When I drank coffee I could feel her eyes on me. I'd look up and she'd immediately turn away pretending to slice fruit or but her fingers trembling and the knife froze halfway to the board. I'd step outside for a smoke and when I'd turned around, she'd be peeking through the curtain, then she'd instantly close it. When I showered, I'd catch her watching me, studying my body, then she'd run away.

She started doing it even while I slept. She almost stopped talking to me, instead writing something in a notebook and hiding it as soon as I entered the room. Photos began to disappear from their frames. She talked on the phone with someone, but hung up the moment I came in. I made an appointment with a psychologist for us, but she refused to say,

but she refused, said she was afraid to be near me. It all happened so suddenly, it seemed just yesterday we were stargazing, in each other's arms and now this. The strangeness grew every day. Sometimes she asked me to sleep on the couch. I agreed, hoping it would calm her, but it was useless. Her paranoia only worsened. It got to the point where when I tried to hug her, she screamed, don't come near me and flinched as if I'd hit her. After one of those nights, I decided to have to have. I had to find out.

Sh, it's fine. It's only up. It's fine. It's because upstairs are banging. It's fine. Shut up. Relax. No, it's okay.

No. Zeus, shut up. Come on. Good job. We're all safe. Relax. All right. But not.

with me. Bitch. Come on. Relax. You're fine. You're fucking numpy. Okay. After one of those nights, I decided I had to find out what was really going on,

even if it meant taking her to a doctor afterward. I pretended to be asleep when she stood in the hallway. Then she slowly approached, soft, careful steps. She stopped at the foot of the bed, and for several seconds, there was a dead silence, broken only by her uneven breathing. I could feel her watching, not just watching, watching, comparing. That's when I become truly terrified, a cold dread twisted inside me as my wife becomes something I couldn't recognise. Then the bed shifted slightly. She sat down on the edge. The air grew heavy. I could feel her stare physically, like,

pressure on my skin. Then her cold fingers gently touched my wrist, held it for a few seconds, then quickly let go, as if burned and whispered, pulse faster than Tom's. Ah, brav. My heart clenched.

So hard I nearly twisted. No, nearly twitched, sorry. She leaned closer. I could hear her breathing against my face. my face, short, shaky. She smelled of lavender and something sour that made goosebumps crawl down my back. Her lips barely moved. I remember clearly Tom had a small scar right here.

She touched my tip, my cheek. My tip. My tip. But you don't. I clenched my teeth to keep from gasping. Those few seconds of silence. lasted an eternity. What scar? I never had a scar on my cheek. I'd know if I did. I wanted to sink into the ground and scream all at once, but I kept lying steel until I heard a choked sob and her

fading footsteps. The door slammed. I opened my eyes, my heart pounding furiously. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night too, afraid to close my eyes. In the morning I went to work early, dreading the hours until my shift ended. That evening, over dinner, I said, Kate, we need to talk. What's going on? She gripped her fork so tightly, her knuckles turned white, then looked me dead in the eye. Tom, you, you've been acting strange. What do you mean? I don't know. Sometimes you've. look different. Sometimes your voice sounds wrong. You even smell different. I don't know what to say. My head was chaos and somehow I just laughed. Kate, maybe you're just imagining things?

I don't know, Tom. My eyes fell to the knife rack. There was a clean strip of dust where the largest kitchen knife should have been the one we've used for everything, bread, meat, anything. I distinctly remembered it being there before that night. My heart slammed into my throat with a primal panic. I looked at Kate and she was staring right at me. I wanted to speak but couldn't. It hit me. Then my wife might be planning to kill me. Fair play. The next morning she left for work and I, like a caged animal, started searching the house. I hadn't slept for nearly 48 hours. I knew I should have just left or taken her to a hospital,

but she's my wife. I love her. She has to see that I am me. I tour through the apartment, frantic, desperate to find something, anything, that would help me understand what was happening to her, and I did. after about an hour in the back of the closet behind a pile of sweaters I found her wooden box old slightly cracked the lid was a jar and when I opened it a thick notebook fell onto my into my hands it smelled of coffee and sweat

her initials on the cover written in her neat cursive my heart froze as I realised It was the diary she had been hiding from me. The paper bent under my fingers. Her hand writing familiar, but this time, jagged, shaky, the page stained with what looked like tears. He's sleeping.

I stand by the bed and watch. He looks like Tom, but he's not. Tom has a scar on his left hand from that accident by the river. This one's skin is smooth. He smiles, but the smile doesn't reach his eyes. Sometimes something's replaced him. I keep counting days, marking steps. If the real Tom, my husband is alive, where is he?

A wave of nausea rose in my throat. With each page, her handwriting grew more erratic. I tested his speech. He says, I love you. In the same tone, but without warmth. Not like before. Tom smelt of vanilla, but this one smells of dust and cheap cologne. Fair play.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. My knees trembled, the air around me tightening like a noose. I flipped to the last page. I can't let this thing stay in our house. It wears his smile, his name. I tried talking to it, beg him, but it just smiled and said all the right words. It didn't defend itself, maybe because it isn't a flat. It's right hand twitches when it lies.

I could have killed it today, but for some reason I couldn't. I know I have to for Tom. I won't let some monster wear his skin. My hands were slick with sweat. My whole body was sweating, even though the room was cold. I placed the diary on the bed and sat down, trying to process it. trying to process everything I'd read. An accident.

God, she was exaggerating. All that came out of it was a conclusion and some bruised ribs. What? I don't know. An accident. God, she was exaggerating. All that came out of it was a concussion and some bruised ribs. I stayed in the hospital for about a week.

Yeah, seven days. Then my phone rang, making me jump. It was Sheriff Martin, a kind old man I'd known for years. Tom, everything right over there. Catherine called. Said someone's living in your house, pretending to be her husband. I froze. What did you say?

Says you're not you. I've known her for years, always seen. stable. Domestic crawl away? No, just stress. She's tired. Even evening came slowly. I sat on the couch, elbows on my knees, looking at an old photo, the one that used to sit on our mantelpiece before all this. Catherine and I, by the lake, smiling her arms around me, the sun's so bright that that day we had to squint. I stared at us at the little details, her blonde hair catching the light, her hand around mine, the green shimmer in her eyes. It felt like a lifetime ago. When the door creaked open, I nearly jumped. My wife's, if I can still call her that,

steps were slow and tired. Her bag thundering softly. to the floor. She looked exhausted, her eyes red, her hair a mess. I stood holding the diary. Kate, we need to talk. She looked at me wearily like a trapped animal sensing a snare. Sensing a snare. What's that in your hand? Her voice was even, but something trembled in it. I found this. A need to understand what's happening. I said, showing her the diary. Catherine froze. For a moment I thought she had break down crying, but instead she slowly stepped closer, looking

straight into my face. She could breathe her cold breath brushing against my skin. So what did you figure out, Tom? That I'm crazy? You think I've lost my mind, don't you? No. You wrote that I've been replaced. I don't have a scar. She turned away, her lips pressed tight. Tom had had one. We even joked.

It made him look tougher. Listen, sweetheart. I took a step closer. A strange knot tight tightens in my gut. I'm the same man. I remember everything. How we met the candles at our wedding, how you laugh when you, when we watch comedies. What you said about that stupid. show when we finished it. I remember everything. Catherine, it's me. She stared at me, unblinking, her shoulders trembling as if she was freezing. I looked into her eyes and there was something there, pain and horror mixed together as if I stood before her as someone both familiar and wrong. You said it like you've rehearsed it, she whispered. Because it's true, I stepped closer, my voice cracking into a shout.

What do I have to do for you to believe me? What? Catherine said nothing. Just breathed heavily like she was fighting herself, staring into my eyes. Then she suddenly backed away, step by step, toward her bag. I didn't realize what was happening at first. She bent down as if for a handkerchief, and in the next moment I saw a glint of metal. a knife, the missing one.

Kate, I breathed, disbelieving. Catherine, put it down. Stop, stop, pretending, you monster. Sorry, that wasn't in character. No. Stop, stop pretending, you monster, better.

I managed half a step towards her. She raised her hand. At first I thought she was only threatening me. Panic tightened my fists. I wanted to yell. to grab her shoulders to make her listen, but then a strike. Burning pain slashed through my chest. Everything went white. The last thing I saw was her face so familiar, twisted by terror, and despair at once. She stood over me, her hand trembling, her lips whispering, something like,

Tom, where are you, my love? And when everything went dark, I woke up in the hospital. At first, nothing but fog. Then she, then the. smell of antiseptic, the faint beep of a monitor, unfamiliar voices. I tried to move my head pain, my, to move my head pain shot through my body. The doctor explained I'd lost a lot of blood, but somehow survived. The knife missed my heart by an inch. Catherine, Catherine had run away. I listened, not believing any of it was real. A couple of days later, Martin came by. I told him everything about the knife, the diary, her thinking I wasn't me. He listened, frowned, taking notes.

When he finished and was about to leave, he turned back. Didn't expect this from Catherine. Don't worry. We'll find her. When you're discharged, come by my place. I got some Cuban cigars from a friend. We'll relax a bit. Without thinking, I said, I don't smoke. He frowned, about to say something, but then just nodded and left.

Closing the door behind him. For several minutes, I lay there, staring at the ceiling, trying to come to terms with everything that had happened. Then I noticed a small mirror in the corner of the room. I looked at my reflection and froze. My face was pale, my lips dry, but that wasn't what caught my attention. Interesting. Can eyes change colour from green?

to blue? First of all, yes. Some days they can look green, other days they can look blue. And I think she had onset of schizophrenia. That's what the story gave me. What do you think? I know it's obviously make-believe. I think she was a little bit cuckoo. Or he really was something else. If you were taking form of somebody else, would you not depict all the little details? Or do you just go for the basics? I mean, if you watch the thing or a mimic, they do, and it's really their personality that gives them away, but they know that they're not that person.

He didn't know. That was the most interesting part about, but it was really giving she has schizophrenia for me. Yeah, I was feeling it was her, not him. Yeah, until the eye thing, and the doctor was confused that you don't smoke. I don't know, it was a weird one that. I enjoyed it.

I always enjoyed those, though. Sorry, it was so long. I haven't read a long one for ages. Yeah, no, it's been out, well, we normally do them Halloween, didn't we? Right. Picks of me have ended up on adult sites and I don't actually mind. Fair play. Okay.

They aren't nudes, but super curvy, why? bathing suits, dress picks of me over the years, ended up on various boob-centric porn sites. So I'm assuming we've got a huge knockers. This was called to my attention years ago and I pretended to be horrified in front of friends and exes, but secretly not only did I mind, but it actually turns me on, especially the ego boosting comments about them. For a long time, I actually fantasised about nude ones of me taken up, of some ex, taken from some exes and surfacing, but they never have, he started again, probably a good thing since my face and name are attached to the ones that appear online.

I feel guilty that I have lied to my husband about being enraged about, even going as far as to claim that I have contacted the porn sites to remove my pictures but clearly not guilty enough L-O-L. I mean, you'd hope to be getting some money for that. That's what I mean. That's the only thing that I'd be pissed off about is that people are logging on to look at your tits. Although it doesn't sound like her tits are out out.

it just sounds like it's laundry, yeah, or cleavage Yeah, yeah, that's kind of it So no nicklage or anything like that I'm curious as how they know it's her tits And all these people keep finding them Get off the porn sites I mean, I'm assuming it had her face in it

I mean, I don't know Well, for people to be like, oh, I've seen it And like made her aware of it Otherwise, how would she have known? I don't know Must have their face. Right. It's got a name attached.

I know that. The real, top comment. The real confusion here is the fake outrage. You're performing for your husband. That's a risky game to play if he ever finds out that you actually like it. But hey, as long as you're not affected in real life, I guess it's ultimately ego boost. OPE does respond.

The plan is for him to never find out. Yeah, people here want me to post the links and connect this confusion of putting my face to my name or something like that. She's put. No, I feel like she's enjoying it a little bit too much. It kind of almost actually doesn't sound like it was an accident. And it's starting to feel like attention seeking. Yeah. I don't know how that happened.

I didn't post them by myself. Oh, hold on. Right, so we've gone, she's just done a whole, right, no modelling gigs. If you're willing to wear such outfits to a beach or wedding, I can imagine the pics, blah, blah, blah. Hold on, why should I be ashamed? It's not about that she's wearing, it's the fact that her pictures are on porn sites. I'm just sorry because she goes on to a comment saying, oh my God, that's disgusting, where what sites.

Big claims usually come with receipts here. I don't know. Moving on. I can't see what she's outraged about, but she's outraged about something and maybe someone's found her. Oh my face is in the pictures.

Listen, I'd be like, I want a cut. Or I'm doing. That's what would piss me off. And if you've got, if you've asked them to be taken up, obviously she's saying that she's not really that bothered. No, but I think I would be a bit like well either remove them or give me a cut I don't know that once it's out

it's out and that's kind of it though isn't it do you know what I mean yeah but there's one thing being on just on the internet and there's another actually being on a porn side yeah I agree I do happen to agree with you here moving on

okay my real law from hell my realin-law ruined our an event weekend. So get this. Mother-in-law has been ignoring a serious health issue for the entire time I've known her about eight years. It's relatively stable medically, not mentally. In spirit of not seeking treatment, then decides she has to go to the doctor right before we leave on an anniversary troubles. Of course she says all about it, shares, sorry, all about it with my husband and of course it is a complete coincidence that the one thing that gets him to bring down his boundaries a bit is medical emergencies. So I'm just going to be resuming, I

don't know what's wrong with my eyes, though. She were tired, that's all. I can't even say, mate, there we go, too much. Too much. The day we leave, she shares, she has lung cancer based on a blood test that could mean any of 10 plus things. Nothing being one of the possibilities it means. Two days later, on our actual anniversary, she shares that she's actually fine, shockingly, no lung cancer at all after a couple of more tests. Interesting. which she emails us all about, even though we asked for a quiet weekend away and on our wedding anniversary, a day when she always acts up. Totally coincidental timing, I'm sure.

And the cherry on the top is that my husband's aunts have been emailing us the day to tell us to talk to his mum more because she's not doing well. Never mind the fact that We don't talk to her very often because she act like a jilted lover following her sons and my wedding two years ago, verbally abusing us both and verbally abusing my husband even more when he suggested she seeked counselling. So today was all panic attacks and sobbing me and thus we missed all our celebratory parents. As much as I love my husband, I can't say. take much more of this. I just hope someone here might understand. There's an edit. I find it ever so strange that these mums, because it becomes incestual. Do you know that?

It's nuts, no. Go on, do the edit. Edit. Well, this hit a nerve. I'm sorry so many of you can relate, but I'm thankful for the commiseration and for being reminded. of the term Christmas cancer. My husband and I had a few long, frank discussions about this and he has planned to reinforce boundaries because yes, we have had them. We just got sloppy and my re-in-law escalated. We're already both in counselling, but I think it's past time for couples counselling. The advice seems to be veering more and more into exercise. excessive territory though. I'm not interested in hurting him just to hurt him or controlling his phone or

whatever else. So I'll add this to the list of things I'm ignoring on my phone. Yeah, it's very strange, but it's not the first time we've read stories like this, is it? Where they, the mother-in-law waits until they've got something special going on and then all of a sudden they're dying. Fucking mummy-in-law is a well weird. And then there's another edit but she's taking it elsewhere which is really long

but it's the basic of update mother-in-law who ruined our anniversary can't distinguish between anxiety and emergencies. Yeah, fair play. Like, yeah, mom-in-law is... Craigay. Yeah, I don't...

I do find it. It is like a common thing, with some of these mummy laws that I don't know like because I feel like if they didn't do this weird shit when it come to special dates with their son and daughters-in-law the relationship wouldn't be as strange as it is yeah what's the top comment the mummy laws a psychopath it's long uh oh don't let me zoom back up because yeah fucking well zoomed in um i'm sorry this has happened to you on what should have been a special weekend for you you and your husband. I hate to say it, but at this point, this falls on him. He knows how

manipulative she is and how it affects you. And yet he still lets her manipulate when it's about a health emergency. Obviously, she has figured out this weak spot and is now successfully manipulating that. If her manipulations and inserting herself into occasions you have specifically requested peaceful are impacting you both in such a negative way he needs to be the one to put her in her place or better yet put her on silent or weekend long who cares if you come back to 800 messages you'll have enjoyed your weekend and she will have received the date what the fuck was that you can send gifts I don't want to send a gift.

And she will have received the message of your silence, loud and clear. You don't run this show and we will get you on our time, not yours. OPE agreed. I had thought we had agreed to put our phones on airplane mode, but this had him too worried, apparently. I get that he's getting anxiety. I mean, I would, even if I knew, that it was. fuckery, do you know what I mean, you'd still have anxiety. So I can like, family's your family,

no matter how fucked up they are. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? But the silent treatment would help with this situation because she would soon learn. I mean, I think someone like this will never learn. Yeah. Even if you did silent treatment. But I do. I feel sorry for him a little bit because everyone just expects you to be able to like slap them out, but it's not that easy. It's not. It's not. Right, I'm going to finish us off. This is from True Off My Chest. Had to break up with my boyfriend because I had to tell a 20-year-old grown man to wipe after using the bathroom.

I, 20 female, and my ex-boyfriend, who is also 20, I'm not asking for relationship advice, but rather sharing something that I thought was insane to me. I recently found out that he doesn't wipe good enough. Whenever we cuddle, I notice the smell. And I can even smell it on his clothes. Oh! He's 20 years old, he's a grown man, and this is just absolutely disgusting. I told him that I wanted to wipe off, I want him to wipe after using the bathroom,

because like I said, he's 20 years old and not a toddler. I cannot stress this enough. I told him that I noticed this over the last few weeks and he told me that I was embarrassing and that he didn't care what I thought and that he wasn't going to do it because I told him to yeah that's what he said

so I broke up with him because I'm not dating a grown man and cannot wipe himself yeah I'm with her on this one I am so, do you know, and at the end of the day, for him to react like that means he don't respect her enough, that ain't the one. Yeah. Move on, don't waste your time with that. A hundred percent. Stinky ass man.

100%. Top common. You'd be legitimately surprised about how common this is. I'm going to end it there. Right. I'm in a spanky. I know I had to end it with that one because I was just like, come on now, brough. Like, get it together.

Thank you. Okay, like, follow, subscribe. And listen. And listen to the advert. Bye guys. Oh my body. Oh my body.