Middle-aged opinion - Merry Christmas everyone

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

Hello everyone, and a Merry Christmas from Ellie and Emily today we found Christmas stories that are funny wholesome and some just irritating We hope you enjoy the episode.

Wow, what do you think of that? What don't you think of that? Well, I think that girl has got everything that she deserves. You're bald. Yeah. Spray her kind of dutch. Oh! Oh, my God, so I curled my hair with rollers, left it overnight. The next thing, let me tell you, babe, they lasted.

I couldn't believe it. Are you, like, literally trying to rub it in my face? I'm saying that I want to do it for you because I feel like you're doing it wrong. Mine never last but they lasted. I was like so now I'm going to do them thicker to see because they were too thin, far too thin. I want to see if it will last when it's thicker because I'd like to have a wave in my hair. Not a wave, a curl because a wave, I've got a wave machine, that lasts, but I'd

like a curl. For when? When we go out on the 28th. God, my nails. Yeah, mine are as well, but I think it's all the gluing. 28th. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think I would like a, yeah, I think I want a wave. Yeah, just a wave, just a nice. Just like a... Yeah. A kink. And like the ends not to be flat, I don't want them to curl. Yeah, to give it that. I mean, it was lovely, I just like...

It brought it right up here. I did it. All day. All day long. So, but a lot of styling goes into that. The last time my hair was even knit like that was, I was well young and I did rag rolls. Yes. But like a load of rag rolls. Yes, that's what I did with the rollers.

So it was, yeah, properly. So instead of, like when I do it, instead of doing thin bits, I'm gonna do thicker bits just to get the wave and then that's it, I shouldn't have to add or do anything else to it. Thanks love. Right. No idea what's happening there. There we go. Right. Should I introduce or you want to set up? I think what else has been going on since we last woke yesterday. Helen ain't been at work. Oh what's going on? She's sick as well, James hadn't been to

work Monday. No, they've all got what you had. Yeah, the whole school's got it. I'm surprised I ain't caught it. I can say I felt shit and then I was kind of alright the next day. When I went in yesterday they said on the Wednesday there were seven kids off. Oh no on the Tuesday. Just in your class? Just in my class. Yeah. I was like wow. It was more like a flu though wasn't it? Wasn't like a sickness. I think there was only one kid in my class that had actually thrown up. But um, right now. Yeah. He was trying to go and get me to get him today come up tonight I said I don't want to come up tonight and all the traffic and then um he was like oh I could go home today and then I was like

and then I was like no don't want to drive in the dark plus I need to pop to home barbecues tomorrow. I've got plans, don't want to make it there. Yeah, which don't involve me coming up tonight. See what the traffic's like now. I need to go to um oh it's not bad now, let's drop right down. What's that thing called? Dunelm. Dunelm. I need to add sweets to their Christmas Eve box. I need to add cups. Cups. You do cups in the Christmas Eve box? Yeah. I do pyjamas and sweets. Pyjamas, hot chocolate with a new Christmasy cup of some sort. That's cute. No I just do sweets and pyjamas. And a book. I always put a book in no books for me just those two things and that's it Paul even gets one oh I don't get one look we're all sleepy again I don't get one

I've got pajamas though so has Hattie yeah I do my own I just put pajamas in it yeah I don't got myself a box Hattie's got a box Paul Paul brought me a wooden box years ago, so my box is a faggot. That's cute. Yeah, very cute. I can't even remember what was in it, if I'm honest. But the box itself was lovely. He brought me little tins as well, which were over there. 2018 that was. 2018 babe. Oh, when he loved you. When you loved me. Fucking 2018 we're in 2024. What's

going on? Something's going wrong here. I don't know. Are we only going out for drinks for your birthday again? Fuck off it's just ages away. So yeah. Just drinks for your birthday. Probably not. I don't even reckon I'll be able to go out for drinks on my birthday. Why? We just go to the pub, have a couple. Oh watch.

Watch us in the pub? Through the window outside? I might come in because it's cold. And have a lemonade? No, I can't afford a lemonade. Can't even do a lemonade. I'm thinking pub for mine. That's it. Nothing dramatic. Literally a couple of drinks and home.

Christmas time. Oh my god, I've done the ending, which you're gonna have to, I don't suppose you will have to cut it out of this, but do you want to hear the end bit of the song? There's one. I'm very, very happy with the ending bit. Oh, don't let me go back. Not this bit. perfect perfect Would you see your tiny pinky Just sit by the fire and take in the light Try not to catch your balls at night

What do you think? Do you like it? I thought that was perfect Do you like it? I thought that was perfect. On Christmas day I have the heating on all day. It's like a prison in my house. Right, what we're getting for Christmas? Heating's going to be on 18 degrees. Do you? On Christmas day? What does turn the heating on? I don't know. No, all day. So I get up in the morning, set the thermostat to 18 and it stays on all day so any time it drops it

picks back up that is like a Christmas present in my house because I couldn't do that any other day of the year all day fucking long that's that's another reason why the the UK is heading for a... Yeah, I know I heard something else on the radio this morning about... Something... Oh, we're officially the most expensive public transport. Yeah, it's really expensive. In Europe, even though we're not in Europe anymore. But yeah. So there was a CEO which I don't agree with got shot in America. How can we have the most

expensive bloody public transport yet they keep pushing us to use it? But that's the- yet they keep putting- I don't understand. But that's the whole thing isn't it? The whole thing is- How can people use it? I don't know. I just feel like it is just to fuck you every which way. So you can't afford to use public transport. You can't afford petrol. You can't even afford to get your own.

Charge, charge your car. Charge, yeah. Have the heating on in the car because it runs out all your charge. So I don't really know what the... We're all just shaping we really. I'm absolutely baffled. Yeah me too. Baffled to what's gonna happen. How we've got here. Yeah. And how our government thinks it's okay. I don't know. I don't know.

So they keep sending money to all these other countries. And something else I heard, where students in London can't afford the loan to get a loan. They're not being granted the loans for whatever reason. Yeah. But the student digs on more than what the loan is that they can actually get. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand what you're saying.

Yeah, yeah, the student accommodation is a higher price than the loan that will pay for it, yes. Then no idea. I think so they're gonna increase the loan. So they're gonna put them in more debt? Yeah. Please someone tell me... You know in Scotland it's free.

Where is the sense in that? You know in Poland it's free. So a lot of people that have moved here from Poland send their children back to get the free education and then they come back. That's out of order order I just can't I can't get my head around how they think this is okay I don't know I walk away with about 80,000 pounds worth of debt yeah yeah that's why we were like are you sure and he's like yeah I'm like you better work hard then because that's 20 grand a year unless of course our

podcards takes off then I'll pay for it. I think this was in this year or last year, I can't remember what year it was, it might have been last year, Keefe paid off her student loan. So she's been paying it back for like 20 years. Yeah. Fucking hell. She's like woohoo. I don't know what percentage you pay it back at, I mean Alfie did tell me. I can't remember what he said.

You have to earn over 26 and then you pay a percentage per wage slip. So. Isn't it sad? Yeah. It's actually boring because we're now at the age where we want to do stuff and you just can't do anything. Because nobody can afford to do anything. Just do the thing. Do the thing. I'm like you pay for it and I'll do it.

Well I did keep seeing people jumping out of airplanes. All right. Skydive. Yeah and I'm like that looks like fun. It is fun. You've done it? Yeah. And? Oh it's the one thing I've done in my life that I recommend everyone do. Yeah I keep seeing people and I'm like yeah that that looks like something I'd be into. It was brilliant. Although I would be fra- definitely have to be strapped to someone. Tandem yeah definitely. Yeah only because I'd never make it out the plane otherwise. I was first one out. And who'd you do it with? It was me, my dad, Adam, Stuart.

For charity? No. Just for the crack of it? Yeah. What did you pay for it? It'd be much more now. It went loads, I think it was like 150. Not too bad then.

I've been a little bit less. Give a look. But yeah, we did that. I was first one out because they do it on weight. Right. And me with the guy that I was with. So I was sort of hanging out of the plane for a little while, felt like fucking hanging out of the plane for a little while. Right.

Before we actually went. It was nuts and Stuart's one was in the background going, I've had MDMA from my, and I'm like that fucking head, just I'm glad I'm not strapped to him because he would have my nerves. I take it you're not in the sky for long. Yeah, a few minutes. Deposit is 50. Yeah, depends. Stuart's one bombed down, so because he nosedived he went really fast and then

obviously had the parachute time. Yeah. So his time was a lot quicker in the air than what mine was whereas we fell and then the parachute went up and then we glided about. And then the parachute went up and then we glided about. Which I appreciate and I think he knew that I was like... Terrified. I'd shake him. Yeah, I would be shaking as well. I'm not actually scared, the adrenaline. No, I would be scared but I'd still want to do it.

I wasn't until I got... £220. To the actual. 10,000 feet minimum. The instructor is in control, or you'd hope so, because I don't think it'd be very good if I was in control. I think people think that they get to pull the cords and shit like that. No, I wouldn't even want to, in case I fucked up. First jump is 250. They only operate weekends and public holidays. It does look like fun.

Honestly, it is definitely... You've never seen my Skydive video? No. Was it on Facebook? No. Yeah, actually maybe I did. I don't know, no, no, I haven't. All I've seen was the video of all the boys stripping. That weren't on mine. I swear I see it like once a year. It's probably on Adam. Literally, you see it once a year and I'm like, ugh, ugh.

Because when you know them it's different, isn't it? I was there, it was my brother and Stuart, I was just like, ugh. Because when you know them it's different isn't it? I was there as a brother and Stuart I was just like that. Was it for charity? Yeah. What charity? I can't remember. They were well young.

So I think it makes it even worse. I might do tomorrow the bacon, cheese and grapes when he gets back. It's like my favourite thing at the moment. Not that I'm really eating that but as a treat tomorrow when he gets back. If it's a little bit dry on the mouth then just put some like cranberry. No, extra grapes. Extra grapes or even like a sweet chilli jelly. It's all about the grapes for me.

Obviously I've had it twice since yours. I mean, it's the whole combination together babe. You know, good combo. Oh. You're welcome. Yeah, I know. I've been very good for a while now. Which is good. Don't yawn.

Come now. I'm kind of a bit tired. been a long week it's because we're wrapping it up before you know before um Christmas. I had one tub of chocolates in my cupboard and you know what I don't know how I haven't opened them. I would have eaten them all that's the problem. I don't know how I haven't. Yeah that's why I don't buy and then I thought oh or shall I get them you know like the Christmas stockings that are full of the chocolates they're £3.50 now I was like are you taking the fucking piss they used to be £1.50 take the piss you are and they're only the small size I was like no I'll just get one of those each and call it a day. That's all I can do. I'm brassic. Gonna have to

sell my punani soon. Oh shit. Yeah. That's where we're at. Not yet but we ate far. Punani selling. Yeah but one lip's gonna have to come out soon. Hello! Your doorbell isn't working! It's alright Alfie. Let me in! That's what's happening. Yeah. That's where we're getting babes. But you've got to do what you've got to do. It's Christmas isn't it? I feel like there's a lot more to do before we hit the poonani situation. Not what? I feel like we should try that. I reckon we should do like doubled up feet, you know, like... Yeah, yeah, together, crossed over. Yeah.

Yeah. And see if that works. And the amount of things I've seen where there are like women going to a shop, taking their shoes off and standing on a mat and stuff, and I'm like, yeah, I'll do that. I'd happily do that. I would do that. It doesn't even feel pornographic to me. Maybe we should set up an OnlyFans for that. I feel like that's what maybe we should have done.

Yeah. I mean, there's still time. They never know it was our feet. No, I need to have a pedicure first though. No, no. Isn't it about the feet as the feet are? I've still got the tiniest bit of nail varnish right in the center of my big toe from summer. I've still got the sunna toe polish on but

I've got this much gap between my actual toe and... that's what I'm saying yeah we're on the end and I cut my nails last night because I could feel them on my shoes. I hate that. Well because we go when we go out on the 28th if I'm if I'm feeling good enough I'll wear one of those outfits that I brought and my shoes are open toe. Yeah. Yeah so it depends how I feel but the orange shoes that go with them are open toe so I will have to paint and then it will be summer and then that would be right right at the top again because I don't often wear open toe shoes in winter but they go so I'll probably self-shave my legs by

then I thought you ain't shaved your legs it's not wearing a pair of leggings I know it's now time I need to because I pulled my socks off and caught the hair and it hurts if you could see her legs it I can tell you it's this long. It's not. But it is like, it's this. You can't see but it's this long. I can't believe that is an itching. That would really itch. It's not itching.

It is really short. When it just comes through, that's when my legs are itching. I could just never. I just couldn't. Anyway. No, we can't move on no no no anyway yeah it definitely is time because i pull my socks up without waxing they're perfect for waxing they're too long for that waxing

are you serious they say to you they're too long too long okay sarah are they too long for wax you they're too long. Too long to go. Sarah, are they too long for wax and then they're too long? I'm sorry. But you're still doing your armpits. Yeah, absolutely. I hate hairy armpits. And you're still doing your vagina. We're all like, tidy up down.

But the legs for some reason are gorilla-like. But not. I just don't for yours it's like hair no hair hair no hair it's forever she got like six hairs did you have like the laser thing and that's why not all of the hair comes through you just don't worry Harry it's just what mine would be I'd be like Harry gorilla boy armpits are like yeah I think they're gross anyway I'm not judging but when I was young I used to pluck my armpits.

When we went to Ibiza I remember me plucking. Yeah because those little straight, you've got to get them out. I just shave. I used to use the feet right all the time, the cream. Yeah and then I remember I was pregnant with Alfie, put the feet on, I had some sort of allergic reaction so since then I've not been able to use it. And it gave me chemical burns here so it looked like I had herpes. Terry was like what's happened? I was like it's herpes obviously. I was like I feel like I vaguely remember you having little burns. Yeah they were just full it fully burnt me because I think I've had Alf-infiltrate and my body had gone back to normal, like the hormone imbalance or whatever, tried it again and when it burnt my fucking face. Never ever.

So it's just like, mate, yeah that was painful, that was. And then it's like, what's wrong? And I was like, fucking V, babe. So I've never. Fucking V. I've never used it again. I used to wax all the time, I don't really know why because I'm not hairy there. I will wax my legs. You

should wax your legs. Maybe I'll show you. No, do you know, now I've taken the time to grow them. How long did that take to grow? What, in real life? In real life. When was the last time you shaved your legs? Listen people. When was the last time you shaved your legs? Listen people! When was the last time we went out? That we went out like I know we've done. Yeah yeah. The girls came around and I didn't shave then. No yeah we didn't shave then. It was us. When we went to James's thing was that in November? No. No no I shaved for Tough Mudder. Oh, there you go then. So the last time you shaved was? September.

Oh my god. For me, it's I get in the bath, I put on and I shave, shave, shave. But it's like a thing. I get in the bath, I shave. I wash and shave. All the way along. No. It's just crazy to me. I can tell shave all the way along. No. It's just crazy to me. You can tell you ain't getting laid. Do you shave when you're getting laid? And you're like, these are my gorilla legs.

Take me as I am. I leave. It's winter, they keep me warm. No fucking way. No, I literally don't give a shit. No, I do give a shit. That's not, I'm, I'm like, I do give a shit. No I do give a shit that's not I'm yeah obviously you'll shave over Christmas. As it is I've had no reason to. Do you dress up Christmas day? Yeah. A lot of people dress up, we don't. We keep our pajamas on, we put

on the night before and then it's like a pajama day. So we do pajamas the night before then we. It depends if the boys are with me on Christmas day or not, this is our first actual Christmas day in our new home. Yeah. You've got your mum and dad, they will be coming round but they're not going to be there all day. What are you cooking? Turkey. Everything. You're doing turkeys, what I mean. Yeah, turkey and gammon. I like gammon. Yeah, not a lover of turkey. Same for the boys, so it's only me, mum and dad really, that like the turkey, so it's just gonna be a small crowd.

Yeah. And then the gammon, which everyone eats. Yeah, gammon's lovely. Yeah. Mm. Do like gammon. And then, yeah, ooh, ooh, the trimming. Because I'm around Jenna's on the 27th,

that's right, out on the 28th. So she's doing the main, which is lamb. I'm doing starters and pudding. So I said, what about starters? She's like, they're like anything. I was with the girls and then I said, what about prawns? So we're having prawn cocktail, but Harry and Darce are having chicken skewers because

neither of them want the prawns. And then I was like, what about pudding? And they were like, oh, cheesecake, this, that, and the oven. I was like, I just get variety. Easier in it. But that's the problem, see, because we're going out on the 28th and what I want to wear, I'm like, it will really depend on how bloated and how much I eat over Christmas. We're having curry so should be alright really. So it could clear me right out that way. Ready after the curry we're getting it

from up there on the 23rd in the evening. Nice. Yeah. It's the first time we've ever done that. My 23rd? That's like two days. So on the 25th. They're going to cook it fresh for me on the 23rd. Okay. Fingers crossed. If not I won't be coming out because I have food poisoning. But I did say it will be for Christmas Day. So I'll pick it up probably around 10 o'clock in the evening on the 23rd. Okay. Straight in the fridge and then around one o'clock, two o'clock on Christmas Day.

Nice. Well, hopefully. Yeah. I'm looking forward to it really. I'd like curry. Because we're having roast around Jennet's, we were like, that's when Paul said, do we really wanna roast Christmas Day? We're having it on the 27th?

And I was like, actually, that's a really good idea, because I get a bit bored of roast. And it's such a palaver, isn't it? Yeah, well the boys go on the 27th, so I'll just have leftovers by this year. Yeah, gammon, it, big loads of gammon. There won't be no gammon. When do they come back? When they go back to school. They're going to Egypt, aren't they? Yeah. Which is quite nice really for a week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah and apparently Stuart's gonna be out there at that point as well. I know, I read that. Same area. Is he going with his missus? Yeah. I need to get my camera out and charge it. Because that's really soon, isn't it really? It's literally a couple of weeks. You say your camera, I don't know if you have my phone.

Are you even ready? You said. I was ready. Are you even ready? About 40 minutes ago I was ready. Oh, sorry. Maybe shave your legs and go out. No, I've shaved my legs before then.

Even though you're wearing trousers at James's, so you could get away with it, someone would be like, hey girl, whoa! Boy, person, it, they, him. What is it? Whatever you want, made a bet. Whatever you want, made of eggs. Whatever you are. What is the weirdest thing you've had put up with you?

Sorry, that's a different post. Right, let's get on with this. Right, okay. Haley, what are you wearing on that, sorry. We are tied. Wearing on what? James's thing. Do you think the orange?

I'd like to wear one of the oranges. Either the dress or the, and that is why I've been so good. James's thing, do you think the orange? I'd like to wear one of the oranges, either the dress or the... and that is why I've been so good. I think I'm down getting on seven pounds so I was getting up there again. I lost weight this week. But today I feel really heavy so I don't know if I can... And I've finally come off. Yeah so I'm coming to the end so I don't know if that's why I feel a bit more bloated. So, but yeah, I've been very good. So I think it's all how I feel on the day for me, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean? If I feel good, then I'll go for one of them. That's the bra I want to wear. It's not very uplifting. Tighten the back. Tighten the back so it pulls you. I feel like it, yeah, I need it really really tightened. Yeah, tighten it up. Yeah, yeah, just tighten it. I've got to put some nipple covers on. Why is it completely... it's a completely laced bra.

Yeah, but doesn't the waistcoat cover your... I'm more worried that like someone will... you might ping open or something. What I do... If I'm more worried that like someone will like ping open or something. What I do, if I'm wearing a, um, you know, thing that does that, I just sellotape and then I use black tape as a cross just in case, last worst case scenario. No, I'm not going to tape it just because of how square the waistcoat is. So then just tape over your balls. Yeah. Your balls. My balls? I don't know what's My balls? Well they are balls, aren't they? Right, I'll sellotape over my balls. Yeah.

Right. Hello everyone. She's sellotaping over balls. Hello everyone and welcome to Midlaced Opinion. I'm your host Ellie and I'm your host Emily and today Today is Christmas Day. It's Christmas I've got my uh, my helpful help helpful health helpful balls helpful balls health This is my elf Yeah, I have balls. Mine are up here and some are down there, but I've got balls. And this is Santa.

I'm not a Santa. What are you then? I'm still an elf. Are you an elf as well? Yeah, just green elf, red elf. Okay. We're the elves. We work in Santa's sack. We're all up in that sack, aren't we? Yeah. See?

Have a good rummage around those old sacks. Yep. Many sacks and we're all up in it. Okay. Okay. I feel like you haven't introduced yourself. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. Today. What are we doing today? Well it's Christmas. We are going to be looking at some lovely, refreshing Christmas stories. Christmas stories.

I say lovely and refreshing. No doubt there will probably be Emma and I so in there and there possibly is some other crude crap that we've found as well. Yes, some didn't come from Am I the arsehole? And I was like absolutely I love it. I found some, I think it was like slutty mums or something and I was like no I can't do it. You shouldn't put it in. No because it was vile and I don't think I would have been able to read it. Okay, I feel like it should have gone in. They were talking about Barbie and I was just like, no! You know, our Slightly Confessions has done quite well.

It's got a lot of downloads, people like that. Shame on you guys. Yeah, shame on you! Liking that pornographic stuff. I enjoyed it as well. It was all good. It was good fun. As you can tell, I've got as well. It was all good fun. It was good fun. As you can tell I've got another cough. She doesn't smoke people. I feel like I've gone literally like three months

with a cough, three months without a cough, three months with a cough, three months without a cough. It just hangs on your chest. It is really chesty though. My neighbour Linda, she rung me and I was like fucking hell you've got another chest infection, she keeps getting antibiotics. Oh no I'm not. I was like my god, and she doesn't smoke or anything. I was like he just sits right there It's the kids. I work with the kids. They were like, hey miss Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh, you will see this on Christmas day January and it'd be a whole new thing. Yeah, they're like, we've missed you. I tell you what did happen. So, obviously we haven't dressed up today, but we do, you will see this on Christmas Day. What do you mean we haven't dressed up?

We're not really. We normally look like this. Yeah, yeah, but not really. What I'm saying is, so, you will find out, obviously you're here before, but me and Emily have by now released a Christmas song. Which, number one. Number one in terms of the pops.

Christmas anthem. Right. And it is called picks of dicks sorry what's it called picks of dicks do you think we can call it that yeah you do yeah yeah that's what we're gonna call it. Yeah. Okay picks of dick. PIC. Yeah of DIC. Okay. S. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, then it's cleaner because when I uploaded yesterday They were like, yeah, you can't have the word sex in the title. So I had to put S or maybe PIK of DIK S. Well, we could call it something else We think of that anyway, that is what it's called. Okay.

Pics of dicks. Okay. Yeah so you would have heard that by now, our true followers. But what was cool about today was when M's come to mind, because the purple is mine, the grey background, we're at Emily's, is when Emily turns up we both realise that for years and years we've had the same earrings so I am a baby so I've obviously got mommy reindeer and she's got baby mother mother how cute is that I'm just so I'm so I'm sugar I'm sugar but we've got the same earrings. Oh my god. Oh my god

Don't think that's crazy It's like cool. Great. Great It's crazy. We hope that you have had all your Christmas presents that you want I don't know what I've got yet because I haven't opened it I can tell you that it won't be as much as everybody else in my house because I'm the mum same as you yeah I am the magic maker yes but if you're listening to us and you're making your Christmas dinner we we hope that your family aren't too annoying and you're in laws you don't want to punch him in the face yeah yeah like obviously murder is not good idea it's not the

answer not Christmas day no wait for boxing day. So if you're like me, which not many are, I put my tree up in November quite early and come boxing day, I get up, I get myself a nice big, whatever Baileys I've got left, and about this much coffee and that much Baileys. Whatever alcohol's left from the day before. Yeah, and I take down all my decorations,

I have a full clean through, and back to normality. No, you don't. No, mine will be coming down on the 27th. Of? Of December. So mine normally goes up the 1st of December. Yeah. And then, once the boy, Did you just say go home?

Once they go to Egypt yeah yeah this year my boys are going away with their dad yeah abroad but um single parents we did the sort of thing over and we do that on the 27th. You know you're one day behind me I take mine down when I was fully sick. But boxing day is still part of Christmas. Not really. Moving on, yeah? Before I didn't use to take it down. Before my children, because my youngest is born on the night of January, before him I used to keep my tree up right up until my birthday. Did you? Because I like the sparkle on my birthday. You want to get a life. I mean that's really late into January. That is proper late. And then there's this old wife

tradition or superstition where apparently come New Year's, I mean we will be releasing another one before then but come New Year's Yeah, but New Year's Day falls on a podcast and I said to you I want to do What's Inside of Me. Oh, I thought you were talking about a song. Because That's a nice way to start the new year what's been inside of you. What hasn't been inside of you. But yeah a superstition for anyone that cares is come New Year's you're meant to open your back door and open your front door and let the bad tidings go out and the new tidings come in. If you haven't got two doors, open a window at one end of the property and the door at the other end

and it flushes the whole negative energy out and new year energy comes in. I do it every year. Positive energies guys. Yeah. Which I quite like that superstition. We're all for it. What do you think about that? I don't have a back door Yeah

But you have enough enough door enough you have an upstairs window. Yeah You got an upstairs window This year when I am obviously now this is released on Christmas Day what I will be doing this year because I haven't, since we started the podcast, I haven't posted a lot on social media, my private social media with just my friends and family. But actually, the more I think about it, the more this year I've got a lot to post about. Yeah, honestly. It's making me feel a bit emotional. My year real.

Yeah. It's supposed to only be 12, right? No, my me feel a bit emotional. My year real, it's supposed to only be 12 right? No, my 12, my year real. Is it making you feel emotional? I feel emotional for so much fun stuff. We have, so this year, the start of the year, everyone and all came together so like that's special for everyone. We saw our friends so many times this year in comparison to normal. Yeah and then so I my eldest went to university, my youngest started college, something that he wants to do. Turn 18, turn 16. We did the we started the podcast and I just feel like a completely different person than I did last year and it makes me feel wholesome. Yeah. And full. And the positive stuff I've decided I'm doing

next year, regardless of what happened, we've decided we're keeping the pod, it's mental health is brilliant, but whether it goes global or we stay as we are, we're happy. Absolutely, you're not getting rid of us. No, and we've both got other plans to go along with that, that we both want to do, um, why the fuck not? Yeah, I feel like everyone should be doing it. Yeah, I feel like I don't know what the change was I don't know if it was the turning 40. I Feel like it was a massive part of it It felt it definitely felt like a shift like I mean for me

I've spoken to you guys before who listens to our pod about, so I'm on amitriptyline because I've got some mental health issues and I feel like definitely I started to feel like me again when I started it but I think the stuff we've done is pushed that into not just kind of standing still but getting back on the wheel and You know I mean and going forward and yeah I've been thinking about it a lot and I thought I'm gonna do a reel on my personal stuff I don't post on anymore because we've got a lot to be thankful for honestly so much such a good year It's been such a good year. Touchwood eight

That's what I'm fucking that. Positive, yeah. Very positive. And even the negatives that have happened because obviously there's always a low with a high. Of course, of course. They just... And more manageable. Yes they have been. They have been. And I feel like there's been a real control in our lives lately as well so the idea what is it what where is it coming from is it coming from us or is it becoming from us being a group and problem-solving together I can't I don't know but I'm definitely definitely different there's been a switch I'm definitely a different person this year than I was last year and I can't just say that's because of the amitriptyline although that definitely did help. That was last year wasn't it?

I had the brain scan. I had a brain scan but yeah all normal but yeah I definitely feel like that was the the road to recovery for me but I think everything else positive that has happened this year I think my lot I think mine was literally last beginning of December where I let go of holding me yeah I feel like maybe that's what it is. I feel like that's possibly back to a state of mind where I used to be panic mode yeah and I haven't had to do that this year I definitely feel like I lived in a very I mean you would have noticed the change like a definite all the time whereas now I feel like shit happens I'm gonna get irritated and moan about it but ultimately we're gonna be alright yeah so that is our positive

things you can't control just let them them go. Yeah, and you know what? It's easier to do than a day. Yeah, and you will get through it. So that is our positive affirmation from us to you. And that's been our year, but anyway. Right, so Christmas stories. Yes. You can start.

Shall I start? I've got so many. Right, good. Let's hear your funniest Christmas stories. Now I am going to warn you all that some of these aren't funny, but it was quite slim pickings. It wasn't as easy as I thought. Was it? No, it wasn't. I was really expecting some funnies where, oh, just the wholesomeness of like oh my kid caught me doing the father Christmas thing and then I had to lie about this and this has had to continue for the rest of our years.

One of them I absolutely love. I found it a bit of a chuckle but apparently the family didn't. But it's no chinchilla in the purse. Oh! Oh, what? So, sorry, it's that. It was on the radio. Not that story, but about a chinchilla.

Did you just start giggling? So, Hart has been doing, talking to Father Christmas every morning this week, Hart. Right. And... I like heart radio. Today a child asked them apart from the reindeer's what pet do you have any pets? So this is Father Christmas and Father Christmas said he had a chinchilla called Bernard. He keeps hitting his purse. And then I piss myself laughing in the car. If you listen you know what we're talking about.

Like why is that funny it's from one of our episodes which might not have even been released yet no no yeah but if they say if you listen to our podcast religiously no because the following week's gonna be what's inside you happy new year next week yeah the week the week after the week and it's one of the best stories. We've read right it was fucking hilarious But it was so unexpected it was so unexpected But that's what I'm saying some of these stories that I've read for and I don't find that funny I think when I read it to you your reaction just made it so much more funny

I've got the eyebrows. Yeah, but what I'm saying is like when I read the chinchilla to you you started going ehh. And the moment she bought a chinchilla. She took a chinchilla on a date. She was sneakily feeding it into her bag. It's so random and I feel like I could be friends with her. I do. I feel like we could be friends. I know the chinchilla's passed. Yeah. I'm joining that could be friends with her. I do, like I feel like we could be friends. I know that Chin Chin has passed. Yeah, I'm joining that Facebook group, by the way. You'll understand. Right, anyway, let's hear your funniest Christmas stories. My sister and I stayed up really late Christmas Eve.

We removed all of our youngest brother's presents from under the tree. We emptied his stockings. We stored all his presents behind the couch. We put all of his stocking stuff in a bag. He was like eight years old. We meticulously wrapped and put clothes on boxes for him. We filled them with coal and Q-tips.

I don't remember why Q-tips, but we filled them with coal and Q-tips. I don't remember why Q-tips but we chose them. On Christmas morning he got he got to go first because he was the youngest. He tore into his first box and his face just dropped. He went out he he went out of turn and ripped open present number two also coal and q-tips he ran into another room where he stocking was and dumped it out it was a plastic bag filled with coal and q-tips he lost it my parents had no idea what we had done I think my dad was ready to just beat us up for ruining Christmas. So my brother finally got it together and we showed him where we had stashed all of these toys and where we put his stocking content. He was very happy. He was happy as hell after all of that. To this day, probably 25 years later, I still get called the Christmas Grinch by my whole

family. Everyone calls me it, forgetting that it was me and my sister who did it. Those presents didn't wrap themselves and I suck at wrapping. That was it. What do you think of that? That's really funny. It's really funny. It's something that I would do. Not all parents would do that. Not all people would do that but that would really make me laugh. I mean, Parmy was like, yeah I'd love to do that to my kids. Yeah. Actually. Yeah because you tell them if you're not good you're not getting any Christmas presents. I tell them they're gonna get

potatoes oh potatoes not coal no coal is expensive now can't do coal also it's a sack of potato it's really dirty so I'm like no no no can't afford that yeah but potatoes yeah got potatoes so top comment says you're a terrible person and I feel Obligated to disown you. I wish I thought of that Honestly, that is brilliant. It's brilliant. Have you got any stories from when you were young? Not off the top of my head I can't I just always remember Christmas been a really nice time. Yeah, I don't We used to me least from Chris Chris used to lay under the tree and tell each other stories, but I don't really...

No, I mean... None that suited both of us. I know that me and Alan used to wake up really early. Yeah. And when we were really young, he'd be like, he'd run into my room and I'd run into his and be like, get out, get out of my bed. I feel like mine still do that little.

We both were like very much open our presents together. Yeah. Because there was always one present at the end of your bed from Father Christmas. Yeah. Do you do that for the boys? One, yeah. Just one. Yeah.

And then the rest were under the tree. Same year, just one. But yeah, no, like we've... When mine were young, we did the, I think the first Christmas with Alfie, we did the most expensive present from Father Christmas and then after that I decided that wasn't going to happen and then from then it was just silly bits from Father Christmas and the expensive stuff from me and Paul because I thought why is this man getting all the credit? No it's whatever the one thing they ask. They can only ask for one thing. I mean this year Cassie and Zars for oh I forgot what they're called like something

critters I have I don't know yeah yeah but they're plushies so they're expensive there's eight of them are you getting away because she wants it away but you know good old Amazon. But yeah. So one will be from Father Christmas. No, all of them are for Father Christmas. I don't want to. No, so you wouldn't do it? No, all of them are for Father Christmas.

Mine got coloring books and sweets from Father Christmas. Last year, Lucia's asked for a basketball. Fine. No, just one present. Just one present. No, I've never done that. It's not generally the expensive gift either. It's just whatever they've asked for.

Whatever they've asked for. No, I just do like a little goodie bag from Father Christmas and that's it. I think Lucius is, still now, I will still do it this year as well. I'm like, what are you going to ask? And he's just like, yeah. I'm like, okay. Yeah, no, I still do it now. I think I'll do it this year as well. I'm like what are you gonna ask? And he's just like yeah Okay. Yeah, no, I still do it now. I think I'll do it. I'll do it. My mum did so I think I will I've got something Barbie every year. Trust me

Like till I was 30. I was like, thanks mum under my Christmas skirt is a Barbie Christmas skirt. I love that Yeah, it's a proper Barbie Christmas skirt with bells and whistles and everything. I love it. That was one of the last presents from my mum so and Paul's like it's horrible and I was like get over it you loser. No I'd be all over that. Yeah it's there, it's cute. Yeah I like that. Yeah Barbie every year. I feel if we had different circumstances I'd probably do that to my kids if I didn't think it would make them cry. What Barbie? No. Your story. Oh really? Yeah. Only because they're in a bit of a sensitive space rather than because they couldn't take it. Yeah. I mean it is all good and fun and I feel like sometimes it'd be like well that's what you get mate.

But I mean I have done some funny pranks to the boys but I don't know if I do it on Christmas day. I mean Christmas comes and it always feels like it's never enough for me. I feel right now you could do that to Harry. Oh yeah, yeah but I've got a me. Yeah. So I got, I have to whisper because my youngest is in, so I got them in jewelry box each and then I'm gonna save it for last. I've told my husband and I'm gonna make them open it together and it's a hand that comes out and

does this. I'm so excited. Yeah, honestly. Yeah. He's proper gobby, isn't he? He's like my dad. I get told off all the time by my youngest son. Honestly, trying to tell you how to drive. Honestly. And I'm like, actually you're wrong. Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah. You really are.

Yeah. Like that's what happens after work every day for an hour. You don't think you'll ever. He said to me, he goes, where are my... He brought himself some new night trousers and he goes, where are my nikes? So I said to him, was it on the floor? He said, yeah, so I put them all in the wash. Slammed his door and everything. I just, honestly, it's like he's on his period all the time.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like you can get a man period pill now and you should buy him that. Can you really? It's not a real pill. What is it we get in there? Stop being a cunt tablet. Yeah, one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something very similar. Anti-cunt. Yeah. I'll buy them for you. Jesus Christ.

It's like, is he still having a go? Honestly, about everything. He tells me off about everything. It's very tiring. Such a no-it- He's so annoying but guess who he's like? He's dad. He's clearly, he's clearly his dad. Like an elf me bitch. A funny story for Christmas. Let's go. I crochet and since June I've been actively crocheting Christmas presents. I love crochet, I crochet. Now my I've been actively crocheting Christmas presents I love crochet I crochet now my boyfriend knows what I do is crochet not knit right very different thing very different Yeah, never fails though

Sorry Well, I'm crocheting never fails though while I'm crocheting. Never fails though. While I'm crocheting I'm always hit with the oh how's your knitting going? Okay yeah. Every time, every single time I'm, I've corrected him. So here's a conversation we had in the car yesterday. Boyfriend, oh so my supervisor was sitting at his desk and he was doing something with yarn so I walked over and said oh what are you crocheting? Me, cutting him off. Wait a minute so when someone else is crocheting you know what it is but when I'm crocheting you say knitting every time boyfriend let

me finish so I asked why are you crocheting? supervisor looks at me I'm not crocheting I'm knitting me burst out laughing you're an idiot I love you so while he keeps confusing the two, at least he's consistent. At the point I find it funny, he's never managed to say crocheting. When he sees anything textile involving yarn, his brain just defaults into knitting. Happy holidays everyone. That was cute. It was cute.

About knitting and yarn. It was cute. I crochet, do you? I don't actually carry crochet. Lucius is fairly good at it. I like it. I enjoy it I've never made anything I just crochet and then I ran out of thread It's in my second drawer down there. My Nan knit Could never pick it up Well, I could do it but I didn't have the patience to do the amount that she would do. And then she got me one of those knitting machines. That's not knitting, but yeah, that one is cheating.

Yeah, well she got me one to try and get me into it. Yeah. And every time it come off and then I was like, nah. Yeah, crochet can be, I used to do it when I worked in the care home, it's quite therapeutic. What about the knitting Nancy doll things? No I've never done that, I can't knit. Where it comes out in a, just like a long, like a string. I could do those, I used to do that, it was very therapeutic.

Sure that isn't crochet? Not in over, you just tab over tab over link loads sounds like a crochet well I suppose it is a crochet a piece of wood but they it's normally looks like a doll yeah I feel like it's a form of crochet now yeah to do that and then you make like little flower shapes or squares oh that's a lie I made them Jenna sister Kirby a baby blanket for her first baby. I put dummies and all sorts I'd forgotten I'd done that. I think I remember you. It was beautiful. I think I remember seeing it. Yeah dummies, a baby bottle, all sorts on there.

I completely forgot I'd done that. She's just a woman of many talents. I'm just bored, yeah? That's a lie. Just get bored. He tries everything. I do. I do like to try everything. What did you call him? Because the top comment says your boyfriend is adorable. Did you just say that? It is cute. It is cute. Anyway, it was only short, go on. Tell me your funniest heartwarming or worst holiday story and win Reddit Gold.

No idea what that means, but whatever. Two years ago, I decided I was going home for Christmas for my first time in 10 years. My grandfather had had massive heart surgery to install a LVAD. It's like a pump, I looked it up. Okay. Yeah. And had been in hospital since the beginning of November. By some sort of miracle, he was released from the holiday that day before I arrived and for the first time in 10 years, every member of the family was together on Christmas Day. My grandfather started

crying while we were opening presents. He said this is the best present I could have ever asked for and I wasn't sure I would live to have all my girls in the same place again. He's the only man in the family. I've never seen my grandfather cry before and all of us started crying because we were so happy. Now two years later we are all trying to do it again. In two weeks my grandfather will be celebrating, my grandparents will be celebrating 50 years together and if I can get enough money together we will all be there to surprise them. Oh that's cute. How cute was that? Bless her 50 years. Fucking hell. You're halfway there just about. Yeah in five

years. If I don't kill him within 50 years and he don't kill me, I think we're doing all right. I think you're doing all right at this point. Yes, it's not always easy, but I thought that was so cute. I think I would cry if my granddad or even my dad was crying. I'd be like, yeah, no, yeah. Yeah, if my grandparents were crying, I'd be like, oh, don't cry.

Just imagine you're all sitting there, opening presents, crying. Yeah, yeah, I'm so happy. But yeah, I'm glad you made it through the heart surgery as well. That's cute. Gosh. Moving on. Yeah. My uncle has...

Sorry. Cough it up. Pim. My uncle has been brainwashed by bad barbecue. What is your funny holiday story? Okay, so for Christmas I smoked a brisket for the family and I absolutely nailed it. It was perfect. After trying it my uncle started asking me questions about it and I realized he was comparing it to his local restaurants brisket. I put restaurant in quotes because this place has literally the worst barbecue I have had in my life.

No exaggeration. They don't do pulled pork because they are too lazy to cook it all the way so it's chopped. It also sits under a heat lamp until it's insanely dry. Honestly, don't think they use seasoning either. The meat just tastes like liquid smoke. I honestly have no idea how this place has been open for 20 plus years, but my uncle kept asking questions like, how did you get the brisket so soft? I honestly had no idea what he was talking about

until I realised he had been eating hard, dry brisket for years and liked it. I like the seasoning, must be something fancy. Literally just lorries and pepper. Don't know what lorries is, what's louris? Some sort of seasoning. Don't know. I thought he was hilarious.

I'm not even sure how much he actually liked my brisket, just because it was such a departure from what he was used to. Have any of you guys ever blown family friends' minds with your barbecue? Also just funny holiday meat stories are welcome. I've never had brisket. I've seen brisket come up from someone all along my car but I've never eaten brisket. It is like pulled pork right?

I've had pulled pork but I think it's just a different part of the pig I think. The lamb. Lamb? You just said pulled pork. Oh pulled pork. Pulled pork's well fucking nice. I'm thinking of lamb shank. Well you can do pulled pork.

Wait is it brisket? Brisket is I'm sure brisket is pork. What animal? brisket what animal? Oh! What? It comes from the chest of the cow. Oh it's cow. Oh it's cow tit! Cow tit! It's just before the tits. There look. So it's that part of the cow as it goes to the legs. That's not the cow's tits. Yeah it's at the back. It's just before. Well cow tits are along there, aren't they?

It's just before. So yeah, it's... Anyway. Yeah. Oh, I've never had brisket. I'm certain now. I definitely don't eat brisket. Why? Because of where it's from.

No, no, just, I think it's the way it looks. I don't know. I'll eat pulled pork. I love't know. I'll eat pulled pork. I love pulled pork. I like lamb shanks. I like, lamb shanks are fucking amazing. Just got meat in it though, isn't it? Not meat.

It is, it is. It's got bone in it. Yeah, but the bone, like, you literally touch it and it comes away from the bone. Yeah, it should do. Is bones bother you? Is, yeah, so I don't tend to do shanks. I get that.

For those that don't know, Em's was like. Nobody knows. Oh, right. But now should do. His bones bother you? Yeah, so I don't tend to do those things. I get that. For those that don't know, Enz was like... Nobody knows. Oh, right. But now you do. Yeah, Enz was a vegetarian for... What, from the age of 12 to the age of 28. See though, so a very long time.

And for those that are wondering, it's because she was pregnant that you went back on the meat. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it wasn't while I was pregnant, it was more so once he was born because I didn't want him to be fussy. That and I think you had a did you have eye deficiency? Do you still have that? Oh I've always had eye deficiency but on my pregnancy I didn't. How funny. Do you know I did see something on my tangent where it... And since I

haven't. You haven't had. Because apparently it's a deficiency of a different fitment, your body's stopping itself from absorbing. Yeah. So I was born... Sorry tangent. Born. Iron deficient. Iron deficient and have always suffered with iron deficiency right up until pregnancy. That's fascinating. But yeah, sorry, so back to the story. I felt I liked the story and I think a lot of the times, I think it's nice when you do something

and someone appreciates it so much. So you know in my house, when I was younger, even before I had the boys, there was a program called Monsters Inside of Me. Are we still on the first question? Yeah, I'm giving you an example of people tasting different food. So I cremate my meat, right? I'm very, and you know, the boys can be like, that's dry, whatever. And now my eldest is at uni on his own, he brought himself a nice big fat steak that, and ate that while that was still bleeding. And he

says, your steak is crap compared to this. So it really is is I think a lot of times a matter of how you cook things Yeah, yeah, so I overcooked me because I'm terrified of getting a tapeworm Literally it's like a thing in my head It I can't believe you brought it down to tapeworm. Yeah, that's what that story's done for me Hello reference that actually we should all deworm ourselves every six months because most of us have worms without even knowing about it because of the things that we eat now. Yes. And I'm like that, oh it's true. It's in pork, beef, that is why I cook my meat thoroughly all the way through till it's almost black because of worms. So if you've

got an itchy butt guys. Yeah, so that's where the story is taking us. Itchy butts. Always the butts. And I know... You love reverting to butts. I know I ain't got a tapeworm. I don't got an itchy butt.

Because I'm skinny. They make you skinny. Do you know you can order tapeworms and like take the tapeworm to make you skinny? What do you mean they make you skinny? They attach to, if you're lucky, they attach to your colon bow. If you're lucky?

Yeah, because there's pictures of people where there's tapeworms, eggs, all fucking in their bodies everywhere from where the way that they eat their meat. Now you understand why I cremate my food, but normally they attach to the stomach, intestines, small intestines, large intestines and they eat all the food that comes through, it makes you really skinny.

It's an actual diet a lot of people do around the world. Ingest a tapeworm, once they've reached their goal they take the stuff to get rid of the tapeworm. But every time they go toilet thousands of tapeworms are being released now this podcast is monsters inside me yeah telling y'all fucked up bed now she's so pretty right back to christmas enjoy your beef and whatnot, make sure you cook it properly. Right, a little story about 20 years of boomer Christmas gifts and nonsense traditions from a foolish boomer parents. Yeah. Okay, have you got that? Yeah. Okay. Did you read it? A little bit,

that's why. Okay. that's why you're smiling. All of them I read a bit and thought, yeah, I'll do that one. Okay. I was good with these. That's this. I wanted to read them. Yeah. Just wanted to share a joyful Christmas memory from my iconic boomer parents.

They still cannot figure out why... I'm gonna burp. Why I'm gonna burp. It's gone. Right, why our family legacy is not like a Hallmark movie. I'm gonna burp again. I'm sorry I had a fizzy. Right Right my parents have given my brother and I the same faultless and unwanted gifts as a tradition for over 20 years or so. In this case gift certificates for movie theaters the ones from Costco and gift cards to shitty restaurants mostly Olive Garden and Red Lobster.

There are other gifts usually equivalent and out of touch but this story is about these fucking vouchers. This started when I was 16 and in no way was a family tradition before then. Anyway, the first few years I just took them and threw them in a box in case I ever wanted to go with a group of friends or something else. They never got used. I started talking about how I don't like movie theatres casually during the year, so hopefully they would stop on their own. They didn't. After about four years, I had a conversation with them around November saying I was grateful for the gifts, but I have a pile of those movie gift cards left so please don't get any more this year. Something to do with my hobbies would be much appreciated. It fell on deaf ears and they gave me more with obviously this Christmas. It was clear they knew nothing about me

and didn't even care to learn. Fast forward 20 years. My goodness, I'm popping off here. Fast forward 20 years, every year at Thanksgiving, I asked them not to give restaurant or movie tickets because I still have a ton. Every year they agree and every year they do it anyway because this dumb tradition they decided to start one day. I have been throwing these fucking things

in a box the whole time. My relationship with my parents has deteriorated over the years has deteriorated over the years for other reason but I was still getting these fucking cards and I happened to come across them while I was downsizing from a move and decided to re-gift them back to my parents. I'm not going to pretend I wasn't trying to make a point but I honestly thought this would be funny and amusing. Something we could all laugh about. So I re-gifted them back to my parents. I have to do some maths here.

Eight tickets per year, 20 years equals 160 tickets, 100 pounds per year in gift cards, two times 50 cards, 40 plastic cards with a 2k balance. I did use two of them for the Red Lobster once during the visit where I decided to never go back again. This was about a lanyard foot of unused cards stacked up, maybe more, I don't know. I think they were unused gift cards from my birthday in there too. So I split the pile into two packages about the thickness of two decks of normal playing cards. There were two dozen packages or so, each wrapped up and addressed to both my parents for them to open.

Christmas comes, they are curious what I've got them. Lo and behold, they start opening them and don't get it. They just said, wow, that's a lot of cards. So I had to explain to them that these were all the cards that they had brought me over every year The joke didn't land they were instantly enraged and started with their bullshit Started screaming that I had ruined Christmas that I was ungrateful and they just wanted me to use them to have a good time Etc etc. I told them that They know nothing about me never have tried know, and it's weird for them to essentially forcing me to spend 10 plus hours in a movie every year and eat at restaurants I don't wanna eat at,

or else I'm seen as ungrateful. My brother and his wife were just crying with laughter and cracking up. I can't believe you still have all these, my parents. Mistook this as validation as they do. See, your brother isn't as ungrateful shit like you. He always has been a better son. Then things got serious my brother was uh my brother who has rejected his status

as the golden child backed me up and said he's been throwing out the movie tickets before new years every year and selling the gift cards online 50 cents on the dollar. He told them I was right. They blew up, outraged. There were a few more exchanges of unkind words. My sister-in-law was already halfway packed up by the time it was over in two minutes. This was not the first Christmas that they had ruined

with their antics like this. We all left and went to my brother's house to finish opening gifts and drinking wine. My parents still sent out pictures of the whole extended, to the whole extended family about how great Christmas was and how thankful they are for their family. They sent more pictures to us in case we wanted them and statements about how great Christmas was. Fucking weird. This was the second to

last Christmas we had together before we just stopped and went no contact. Oh well you don't know what's going on there. The last Christmas was when my parents tried to use holiday to prove a point about a car accident and tires being unsafe, which is a whole other boom story. The end. There's more going on in that family. There's a lot going on. But I like what he

did. He had a point to prove. Yeah. What do you think? Yeah, I thought it was brilliant. Yeah. If they're not listening, well, do you know what? Let's see how you like receiving these. Because they find it easy to go, you're being ungrateful, but he wasn't being ungrateful. No. He's like, thank you so much for thinking of me, those restaurants are shit, I don't like going to there, they're not for me. So you know what I would like I'm into trains. I want something that I'm into. Yeah and I don't see the harmony. It's the same as with our children. We ask our children, what is it that you think that you want? Blah, blah, blah.

You know, friends is very different. When I get my friends something, it's just what I've chosen to get him, do you know what I mean? And that's always a worry, but tough shit if you don't like it. I did a Secret Santa, I worked at this year. It's so pretty.

Really made me like, proper anxiety about it. What is your budget? A tenner. And what did you get? You can say now. Well I don't really know the girl that I was getting for which then gave me instant anxiety like shit what do you do? Yeah yeah. I can't get something silly because I don't know. So I asked a few people like like, what does she like? And they all said that she really likes her coffee. She was like, do you know what? There are, I can't remember what they're called, beanies,

but they're flavored coffees. So I got a selection of flavored coffees. Yeah, that's really cute. See me, I'm having the laxals. I should have got her a cup as well, and I should have got this. And then I'm like, no, you had a a budget and it's only supposed to be a token right yeah but my head just goes off yeah it's not enough she's gonna think yeah

because it's a tenor nowadays doesn't feel like a lot but it is a lot of money I think it was nine nine little flavored Christmasy coffees when I fearing off when I go and while it's on my mind I, fearing off, when I go, while it's on my mind, I've got to say it, when I go home bargains, you want me to FaceTime you in case there's any cuts in there you want for the boys? I'm going in the morning.

Perfect. It's only because I'm going to home bargains, we haven't got one near. Do we? We do, it's in Wimpledon. So no. Well, it's closer than Esse in Essex yeah but I'm going there I literally park in the car park and go and get him but yeah so yeah I

liked the story and yeah it's a shame it's all ended quite badly but there is definitely more going on there than just and he tried to make the situation a light situation and they fucking... they've gone, oh okay we get your point, do you know what I mean? Yeah they could have been like, what the... oh my god, oh my god. I'm so sorry, yeah yeah we've been doing this for so many years. Didn't think you were like... I've only heard good things about Red Lobster when I've seen videos and Olive Garden? So what, they're Olive Garden so what they're

shit so I know they're both in America well I wouldn't go Red Lobster anyway why it's a fish yeah and it sent her a seafood restaurant thing to go to in London but she's not she might do it with me if you don't eat it there's no it's a waste of money yeah there's just not a lot of fish that I would eat because you don't like fish or because I don't like fish okay I don't eat it, there's no, it's a waste of money. Yeah, there's just not a lot of fish that I would eat. Because you don't like fish. Or because you don't like fish. Okay, yeah.

I don't mind white fish, but it tastes like nothing. Yeah, you're right, it tastes like nothing. And I don't mind prawns, but I've got to want to eat them to be able to eat them because I want the texture in my mouth, I'm just like. I had the crunch. What's that shit you swallow, I wanna say? The shit you swallow. Yeah, beginnings with with oh I was gonna say I'm not really a

swallow it makes that shit you swallow yeah oysters so we had oysters I watched the X yeah very violently for three days after them so oh right well I had never did it I had one um I was told you meant to just swallow it yeah right so I swallow it and it was like trying to swallow a tongue it was the weirdest thing but now I chew them and yeah yeah yeah eat them like I eat them in my mouth chew them up no. Does it not pop? No. Not if it's cooked correctly. But I tried swallowing, it was like trying to get a tongue down my throat. A big fat one, it was like someone was like licking, licking down my esophagus and I was like

oh it's not like that. But we often go to the area you can eat and then me and Alfie we get the octopus and eat the head the legs the lot mate I love it so I love the taste it's so tasty nice little octopus probably I probably do have worms to be fair I probably do because a lot of that's fresh isn't it? Some of it you don't even cook like do you eat raw salmon? Sometimes yeah. Oh it's fucking beautiful. I will eat raw salmon. Get parasites from that. Yeah. Yep you can. How do we cleanse ourselves? I'm gonna have to speak to Helen. Well because she knows about worms. Yeah because it gives it makes me paranoid I can't think of anything worse. Well there is medication but this medication literally is at one sip and then two weeks

later you do a second one. That's that. And do you see the worms because I don't think I can cope with seeing worms. Well if you're actually physically looking into your stalls and looking for them then you'll see them. I'm gonna speak to them when we go out. What have I got to do to clench me arse Helen I really want to have a clonic though I really do you know the fall of that being summing up my sorry think about how often I go to the toilet yeah how much weight I would lose if I had a clock have you ever had one no I want one I really would like Brian have you ever had to put a suppository up your bum? No. No, so I had, when I got married,

I had to put suppositories up my ass because I couldn't stop vomiting. So not on the day, but before, it was nerves. And then when I donated eggs, I had to have suppositories up my ass then. And let me tell you, it is one of the most uncomfortable things ever. So the fault of having a tube up my arse, I can't even. The only thing that's uncomfortable

fault for me is that someone's got to put it there. Yeah and then your shit goes along a pipe. Yeah I'd really like to see that. Oh my god why? Because I just want to see how much crap comes out of me. Why? Because I don't go toilet enough. When you're due on your period, do you go toilet a lot? I have a period poo. One or all day fucking long? Maybe for two days in a row. Like I'll have one that day, one that day.

No, I'll go all day. day for me my body's like everything out everything out I go to the toilet every single day if I don't go to the toilet somewhere in me there's a kink if I don't go for one day Paul's the same then I am uncomfortable my body is like you ain't been for a shit today I'm not I know. Yeah but Yeah, but this is the thing. I don't go to toilet in public places, like not in the street, I mean. Harry's exactly the same. Public toilets, yeah. Public toilets are exactly the same.

So when I got married, I think I've told you before, when I got married and we went abroad and we were out there for two weeks and we're coming up to the wedding and I'm going, not only have I avoided all stodgy foods that would stop me from going to the toilet, but I actually haven't gone to toilet for nearly two weeks. Why? Because you're not comfortable in

your apartment. My body just does not let me do it. Two weeks I didn't have a shit and then on my wedding day, the day before my wedding day I'm like I need to take something to get this out of me because I'm not gonna fit my dress. I did fit my dress. Yeah. In fact I had lost so much me because I'm not gonna fit my dress. I did fit my dress. Yeah. In fact, I had lost so much weight that I could turn the whole thing around. Did you take anything? I took stuff. And?

Nothing. Oh my god. Yeah. I took a lot as well. And then obviously the wedding, the next day, we were still there. And then I think it was the following day we went home. I can't remember. Might be the next day. Yeah. following day we went home, I can't remember, it might be the next day.

Yeah. And then we flew home, and it wasn't until I was in that cab, and we were probably about five minutes away, 10 minutes away from home, that my bells went. Roar. I'm like, you need to bring the bags in. But did you go, and?

The mini poos are just one little poo? No poos. Shut the fuck up. My poos for two solid weeks. And I thought I've taken shit, so that's gonna come out me since I get in. If I took anything. And you didn't, I did not.

I can't believe that. Anyway, enough about my bowel movements. Do you know, it's not healthy. I know, you're supposed to go every time you eat. So if you are traditionally having three meals a day you should be traditionally hang three per day and that's the basics of it yeah so once a day is good for me but if we've been out the night before drinking so after you all have no after you're all day long oh no no no all day long because I've had the alcohol so my whole my whole I have like a full clear out big alcohol poo and that's it that's it no

my whole body just clears out after a night out it's so weird no fucking hell anyway back to Christmas yeah hope you enjoy the shit talk because you're making your roast fucking turkey. I'm writing a shit talk. Quite literally a shit talk. We hope we've helped your bowels move along. Now you know us very intimately. Yes. So now I'm on Reddit. What is your favorite hilarious, awful,

dysfunctional family holiday memory? I'm skipping that particular. But just scrolling down to this other one because it made me chuckle. A lot of mine came from there. Yeah. So this person says, both my parents come from families with 10 plus children. Our holidays have always been dysfunctional as hell, but I'll give you the top three. Okay? Uncle gets shitfaced over wild turkey on Christmas Eve. Standard. Starts airing his grievances against his father.

You never let me wear green. I hate you fat, I hate your fat fucking beard. And then shouting at all of us kids to shut the fuck up and try to have a discussion with my dad. Oh I love it. Fucking always want it there. You never let me wear green. That's so random. Fuck. Maybe it's a football team thing. That's what I'm thinking. My parental grandfather holding his first great grandchild

and then saying, Christ, this one's ugly. That's so fucking mean. Do you want to hold it? No, I'm all right. I'm all well. Oh, it's lovely. Oh, keep it over there. Yeah, it's lovely.

She granddad, she. It's lovely. Oh, keep it over there. Yes. She granddad she This one was Thanksgiving 2021 Not 2021 2001 even my dad was just diagnosed with diabetes, so no delicious pie and treats for him. My uncle makes awesome pies and he's a huge troll. He comes over with a pumpkin, apple, cherry, and blueberry pies and says, they're all for my dad. Dad gets pissed because he can't have pie

and my uncle just keeps teasing him. My dad asked for the potatoes to be passed to him. My uncle passes him pie. My dad gets up, walks over to my uncle and punches him right in the face, breaking his nose. No! Pandemonium ensures and dad's excuses stressing over 9-9-11 and wanting pie made me goofy I reckon I punched someone over pie. I hate your fat fucking beard. I hate your fat fucking beard. You never let me wear green. Brilliant. Go on. Yeah someone Yeah. Someone says, I was hoping your dad was going to put a pie in your uncle's head. That would have been quite funny too. Some families are really, really fucking volatile over Christmas.

I don't like, there was my family's on both sides. My mum's obviously chilled. My dad's, I feel like it was all very keep it together, keep it together after all sides because I'm not really a hundred percent sure that mum loved them or they loved mum whatever way it was but you never would have known, do you know what I mean? So none of that happened. Unfortunately, I mean that would have been brilliant. What? Oh it's just the second one. Someone else is added to their story. I was about 11 and my twin brothers were about four. I sauntered downstairs one Christmas morning

only to find every present my brothers, mine and infant sisters and my parents all ripped open and spread around the living room. I looked at the little devils who with what had to be a deep burning hatred and wasted no time waking my parents up to tell them Christmas was ruined. My mum cried, I cried, the boys cried and the baby was probably confused and dad tried to cheer us all up. That's quite cute. Oh, I mean, there are only four. But now it's a good memory. It's a great memory.

That's what I'm saying. Are you happy for me to finish? Yeah, you crack on. Right. I'm hoping I've picked the right one because I really enjoyed this one. Yeah, right. Am I the arsehole for sharing what I thought was a funny Christmas memory and royally ticking off my grandma. I am 40 female and my husband and kids

were spending Christmas Eve with my side of the family. It's a tradition as long as I can remember to celebrate Christmas Eve at my grandma's house 70-ish. This year, a 20-year-ish old young lady has joined our family by having a baby with my cousin and while she's a lot younger than me we have kids the same age and so we always find something to talk about. Well we were just talking and the conversation ended up with me telling her what I considered to be a wholesome Christmas memory. When I was 12 years old, 12, 13, I lived with my grandparents.

I really wanted to be a writer and I begged for a typewriter. It was all that I wanted. I asked all year. The night before Christmas Eve Eve I was helping my grandmother wrap presents and eventually she brought out a huge very heavy cardboard box and said this is your present so don't look just wrap it. I about shit myself. This was it. I was finally getting my typewriter. The next day comes and family gathers to open Christmas gifts and no big box. Okay, so it will be under the tree tomorrow morning. I was over Santa but whatever. I waited this long. Next morning we're tearing open gifts and place is a wreck and my grandma brings out two identical big boxes one for me and one for my

sister. I ripped the box apart like a wild animal and in the box was a shiny new set of encyclopedias. It's a big fucking word for me. Actually half a sec, my sister got the other half. We all laughed, my friends, my cousin and aunt or two. I ended up saying, just to be funny, and that's how your childhood dies. I guess this pissed off my grandmother. She texts my mother who was homesick with Covid to tell her what an ungrateful shit I was. She says nothing to me until a few days later

and I get a message about how she will always love me but I really should adjust my attitude and not be such a brat. Apparently my uncle also thinks I'm an asshole and my grump is disappointed in me. Oh. Yeah. I apologize not for what I had said but for hurting her feelings, which is not what I wanted to do. She's my grandma. I certainly didn't want to hurt her feelings. I read the the encyclopedias cover to cover. So it's not like I hated them. I just wanted to write about them. No, I just thought it was generally funny heartwarming story about how funny grandma is. And I don't see how I'm TA, I don't know what that means. I'm assuming

this is an edit, it doesn't say edit. Yeah, that's it. I mean, All You Want For Christmas is a tight writer. Yeah, all year. All year, you're like, I want to be a writer. Like forever, you just want to be a writer. Yeah. gets you encyclopedias I mean I would have had the ump well at least she knows a little bit more about the world I mean I like that she thinks it's a funny Christmas story it is funny she didn't get a whole set they didn't even get the point I mean how many times she probably said she didn't get the whole set can you imagineopedias. They didn't even get the point. I mean how many times she probably said... She didn't get the whole thing. Can you imagine,

growing up? I can imagine. So, do you want to swap so I can read the rest of the encyclopedias? Because when I read the word encyclopedias, I thought what the fuck does that say? So I had to Google it. They're quite pricey. Yeah, they're well-expensed. Yeah, so you get a full set. Yeah, so she could have got her the typewriter. Yeah, but then she would only have half of the encyclopedias. Half of the typewriter. Half of the, well, her sister would have only half.

You can't share that. I mean, I thought that was a cute little story there. It is true. And now the new story is Grandma got the ump that I called her out for not getting me a typewriter. That's all I wanted. Yeah, she just thought it was a... and that's how your childhood dies. It's true.

It's over. Let me do one more. Right, like... Oh, you want to do... I'm sorry. One more. Sorry. Sorry.

Okay, got it. Catching Santa. Okay. Got it? So this was what... Hold on, I'll put my drink down. Yeah. Bear with.

So this was back when I was eight years old. My brother wanted to catch Santa on camera and show it to everyone. So he took an old Blackberry phone and hid it in the Christmas tree. He went to bed eager to see Santa for the first time. We both woke up and ran downstairs to check the footage. Right as he pressed play, my dad snatched the phone and he wanted to see first then he accidentally deleted the video. Merry Christmas. Yeah thank God for that. Otherwise you would have found out. Could you imagine? Yeah I can. I was convinced as a child that I heard Santa because I heard like bells coming from the lounge

and I was like, Mom, mom, is Santa here? And she was like, go back to bed now, you get nothing. I heard bells. I swear I fucking heard bells. I still hear bells now. Do you?

That's when I know not to go down there because you don't get a present. Maybe you need that brain scan I was telling them about earlier. Hey, if you don't hear the bells, you don't know you in a present maybe you need that brain scan I was telling them about earlier hey if you don't hear the bells you don't believe me nothing dizzy spells I think it's time to retire retire what retire oh shit yeah shit now Bell when do you think we're gonna feel old not yet yeah I feel like we should be feeling older than we are no we shouldn't.

Are you sure? Yeah. You know the golden girls were our age. Oh my god. Why do you have to put a dampener on everything? Because I just feel like you should know that. Don't you think that's crazy? Like the actual golden girls.

I just feel like we're in a better place than what the golden girls are. What visually? Yes. Or do you think if we dyed our hair grey we'd look like the golden girls? Why would I dye my hair grey? To be like the golden girls. I don't want to.

I don't want a tight perm either. No? Or a purple rinse. I'm not ready for that. Like a purple rinse. Yeah, I'm not. But soon. I mean, I wouldn't mind that colour.

I do like that colour when it's fresh. I've been that colour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, hey, what are you doing? Is it's fresh. Yeah yeah yeah. But... Hey what are you doing? Is it Christmas Day? Do you get her loads of presents? Not anymore, I can't afford it. Oh...

No, she does get presents. Cookie just gets extra treats. And extra bits of meat. Yeah. Oh, one's gone. Yeah. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Excuse me. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Excuse me. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Okay. Right, happy Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas everybody. Happy holidays. Oh yeah, happy holidays. That's, you know, America. That's just, you know, being global. Okay, if you don't celebrate.

Happy holidays. Yeah, happy holidays. Merry Christmas. And happy new year. Yeah, which, yay Jesus was born. Yay Jesus and yay Father Christmas has been yay And dinosaurs And the elf on the shelf has gone fucking home. Oh, yeah I've been sending you a few bits what to do

Some of you people can't put the effort in. I have put so much effort in this year. Oh, I just can't be doing it. So much effort, no. Every single day I have done effort. I don't know why. Because I think it's my last year. Okay, maybe, no, no, it's not. It is, I think it is.

No, not with Cass, no. Right, bye everyone. Bye. Merry Christmas. Wow, what do you think of that? I think, what don't you think of that? I think that girl has got everything that she deserves.