Middle-aged opinion - Weaponised incompetence

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

Hello everyone, welcome to episode 43 today. We talk about weaponise incompetence different stories about how people pretend they can’t do things when in reality they just don’t want to. We hope you enjoy the episode like follow and subscribe

Wow, what do you think of that? What don't you think of that? Well I think that girl has got everything she needs. Shall we just sit looking at the camera this podcast, getting warm? It is nice under here isn't it? It's really nice. We've got the heater blanket on here. So goofy.

Well it could be worse, we could be snotting on the floor. Oh my god. I don't know why I said it. Is it just fucking my gag reflex, man? Oh. But now you see why I like CLA. Alright, yeah, enough like she's hilarious, she's entertaining and she doesn't even mean to be. She literally doesn't. She kind of reminds me of my old neighbor. She does. Sally from the alley. So her house was like on the end of the row but then she had the alley in between but she was like that, that's my alley. And then she had chickens in her garden and a fucking rooster used to cook or do in the morning. And then at the bottom of her garden, they had like a shed thing,

but her son used to go down there and play fucking drums. Sometimes she goes, mental health matters. No one cares. That's what I'm like, you're right, nobody cares about your problems. But yeah, people are fucking hilarious. I mean, I'd be scared if we were mates because you never know. I don't feel like she has too many mates.

She has got some friends though that have been her friends forever. She's got like a really rich old man that she's mates with and she went around there not that long ago and he's giving her advice. And I'm like, this bitch ain't taking in anything you're saying at all. Yep, no. Yeah.

I mean, she tries, she wants to, but that's why I like her, I suppose. Right. Hello everyone, and welcome to Middle-aged Opinion. I'm your host Ellie. And I'm your host Emily and I am your host Emily and we are looking at weaponized incompetence. Yeah, weaponized incompetence. I wanted to say it correctly. You did. So we kept, we were like what what we doing?

What is it called? And we had to search it a couple of times didn't we? I feel like it's a new word. Incompetence. No, weaponized incompetence is a new thing that a lot of people started to talk about now. Yeah. When actually it's just like normal every day-to-day relationships. I feel like we would be like, that's our purpose, don't have to do it again. Exactly. I say he. I mean a lot of the stories are not all of them but most of them are reflected on husband yeah it is a lot of wives having a good old rant yeah but I think that anybody yeah I think anybody can display incompetence if they don't really want to do something in the workplace mates isn't it although I try to never display that

and always try that when people say I can't do it I'm happy to do it I'll always try there you go whether it's good or not we don't really care we try satisfaction yeah if it's not to you satisfaction that's a you problem it is because I'm quite a perfectionist, so I don't tend to do things half-heartedly, really. You definitely are. Right, okay, I'm gonna kick us off. And we're not rushing through.

We're not. No. No, but my hands are still cold, so I'm gonna put one there. I put in one there. Right, is this weaponized incompetence from my partner 33 male or am I 34 female standards too high? My partner and I have been together for almost eight years now and six months ago we welcomed our first child. Even before our daughter was born I did handle the majority of the housework tasks. Division

of labour was minimal, mainly because if he left something long enough, I would eventually end up doing it myself. But he was willing to do teamwork and generally would help me out. But since having our daughter things have really fallen by the wayside. He always has some excuse as to why he can't do things or just forgets and if I'm home he does very little baby care either. We also have two senior cats and now they require periods of duty for the litter box. He won't do that either. Yesterday I was trying to care for the cats, look after the baby and make dinner and at no point did he step in to help. We have a house cleaner who comes weekly, but if I didn't do maintenance tasks in between,

he wouldn't do anything at all. I like a neat, non-chaotic home as much as possible, especially since the baby has arrived and brought chaos into our lives. On a general scale, he just doesn't seem to care I'm exhausted I love him but I can't live like this am I just asking too much in terms of help around the house expectations are too high how do I establish that I need help I think she's established she needs help. Yes. But it's just, is she going to get it? I think she's not. I think she's asking, is he using weaponised

incompetence or are her standards too high? I actually think that's the question. I don't think her standards are too high. Me neither. To ask somebody who lives in the same property as you. Creating the same. To help out with some of the mess that they are creating. Right. Me neither. So, no, you're not asking for anything that's too much. I don't know if he's using weaponizing competence, because my understanding of weaponizing competence

is they do something badly, so you won't ask again. I think it's more to do with he's seeing how much he doesn't have to do and he'll get away with it. Yeah, because she will do it in the end anyway. Especially when you've got a baby, you just have to keep on top of it. And it's different if I personally think, this is just my opinion, that if he's out working all day, then yeah, more of the tasks will fall on you. That's just my opinion. Yes, being a mum is 24-7. I am a mum. I understand. But like,

when my boys were young and babies, my husband would go to work all day. I would do, or I'm not gonna lie, all the housework and have dinner. But that's because I was feeding the kids as well, as well as myself, and make sure that he'd have a portion but and then I'd take care of most of the other stuff because he had to be up early again be at work for 5 a.m. so I was happy to take on because I'd have a nap in the afternoon as well do you know I mean yeah but I mean I would have said no. My parents were very much, dad went to work and my mom would do all the housework, deal with the kids at home.

But more so when I was a baby, my dad would come home and take me off my mom and give my mom that half hour hour break. Yeah, that was so pool would as well with the boys. So he would be what I would have called a hands on dad. Yes, so it was Paul. And it doesn't sound like this guy is doing that. No, he's not even doing that.

Because as well, like even when I'd go out and catch up with people, he'd take full responsibility of everything. And every time he'd be like, your job is so and I'd be like yeah it is like everything's routine and chaotic but you're right this man isn't even doing the bare minimum of spending time and looking I mean look changing the cat litter is not a big deal. I hate that job but yeah. Oh yeah nobody likes that job babe but you got to do what you got to do for your animals do you know what I mean? Nobody likes that job babe, but you got to do what you got to do for your animals. Do you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. So

Yes, no, he is he's doing it on purpose that will end up in Separation. Yeah, cuz she just gets to the point where she just can't take it anymore But she's already questioning it. Yeah, cuz she's doing so much. So shall I read the top comment yeah go on is this weaponized someone's quoted the title he does nothing from the sounds of it so no your standards aren't too high I'm not sure if I'd call it weaponized incompetence that's where I came from he sounds plain lazy and needs to get off his ass and help with the household. That's how I feel as well.

Yeah. Like, due's given that he goes to work and then comes home. Yes. But that isn't when your job finishes. She doesn't mention whether she is out at work or whatever, but wouldn't it be nice that if he came home and she could have a nice hot bath? Oh, she does work. Did she work?

Did I say that? Or that was a different story I read. Would it be a different story? But it would be nice if he came home and he like don't jump in the bath i'll finish dinner off or she's had dinner already they've eaten you do the bath i'll do dishes yeah like yeah just a bit of a break it really means a lot to to the primary carer of the yeah the simplest things the little list of help because whether you're yeah whether you're the mum or the dad, whoever the primary carer is, it really, the children, it really is a non-stop role. It's really quite exhausting.

Any parent will understand. Any main carer will understand. Yeah, that it's tiring and you do need just those little things make all the difference and make you appreciate each other a lot more. Yeah. Okay, over to you. He needs to pull his finger out. Of his arse hole. Like seriously. Yeah. Like bringing in the money isn't, isn't the end of your job. It really isn't. It really isn't. Your nine to five does not get you off. It doesn't. Any help out in home. It doesn't because even cooking a dinner would really be, because it's only like you come home, you do the dinner, done.

Like you don't have to do everything, that's not what she's saying, she's saying just the smallest, even if you took the cat off her hands. But she doesn't even do that. He doesn't even do that, sorry. So yeah, I'd be pissed off as well. She's literally juggling her life. Literally I know okay so mine came under am I the arsehole for telling an employee to stop using weaponized incompetence and everyone in this story is professional, makes above $100,000. Sweet! Greg is in his 50s and we all work in tech. I'm a project manager of about 30 people.

Greg has been having issues for the last five years because we changed programming methods. The company paid for us to take the certification. Greg, while we work from home, called IT every day over something. In returning to the office, our IT guy, Eric, came to me to say he's not helping Greg anymore. It's above his pay grade. This is the first time I've heard of this and Greg explains he sets up the base project for Greg and the previous IT guy did this also. He said Greg would scream at them for Greg not understanding how the program works. I met with most of my team and I clarified that IT is not your assistant, is not your assistant, does not treat them as such and do not treat

them as such. Greg goes on a 20-minute rant on how he misses the old software. I tell Greg to stop weaponizing his incompetence from day forward. No one is to help Greg. He needs to either sink or swim. I go our team is... I go? I know our team is strong as our weakest member. Greg filed a complaint about ageism in the workplace. I turned around and signed Erica for company paid for certification Greg already promoted his replacement. What? What? I feel like that got a bit confusing. Yeah just the last bit. So basically Greg didn't know what he was doing and got the odd with everyone else and got someone else to do it the other person is like I'm done with this

bear in mind Greg was earning over a hundred thousand okay so what I think should have happened yes I do feel like Greg is blaming everyone else and not taking accountability for the fact that you don't understand but what Greg should have done is said I'm not getting it can you please send me on a course so I can run through this again. Yeah but why would Greg do that if the guy before the new IT guy was also doing that for him so basically he was doing them. So he's at fault but I also fit he is listen he's at fault for the fact that he didn't say I don't't understand it. And just expecting everyone else to set it up for him. That is why the manager's pissed off with him.

He clearly needs to go on the training again. Yeah, he is using weaponized incompetence because he's blaming everyone else for his own lack of understanding. What's the top comment? So Happy Banana says, Supreme Court just asked, okay, says I'll give you an ESH, I don't know what that is, but this is appalling management. One, in your post you write that Greg has had issues for the last five years. You don't say where you've addressed this. Why didn't you act when you heard Greg had been screaming at people?

This is something you needed to follow up on and not in a group meeting. You allowed a 20 minute rant to take place. What a waste of time. Calling Greg incompetent in a group setting was inappropriate sink or swim is not how a team works irrespective of Greg being an AH this is shitty Greg has now told you he's struggling what refresher training have you arranged? Thank you! That's exactly what I'm saying. He is at fault for he's not speaking up and saying I don't... being a nice person saying listen I don't get it. I know that's

frustrating for you. You're gonna have to send me on this course a couple more times because it's not sinking in. But instead the manager... This is proper backfired on him is gone so someone then went this he clearly is an asshole but you're on I was gonna say appalling but the guy above me said that already astonishingly bad boss imagine what the folks at anti anti Work will make of this, which is another Reddit link. And then someone else then goes, right, when I was reading the post,

I couldn't exactly say whether it was weaponized incompetence or just incompetence. Greg is still an a-hole for yelling, but I hope he doesn't sound like a good boss at all. No, he's not taking control of the situation and saying, listen, it's unacceptable that you speak to my employees like this. What you should have done is come to me and tell me that you don't understand it, and then I could have then sent you, like in a private setting, on the course again, however many times you needed, because you're a great employer, you've been here for however long, and dealt with it that way, but you didn't.

No you didn't. So that's why I'm like, this, this bloke is a wanker, don't get me wrong, but this boss is fucking... Yeah, it was a bit cruel. It's mean! It's like, it's like when you're at school and you're just not grasping it, shit happens. You don't have to grasp everything straight away, but to be like... Greg's an arsehole as well, it's not a mistake that he was screaming at these poor IT guys. Who again should have spoken up before. Everyone's like, five years later...

Yeah, five years later. I'm not doing it! Yeah! Oh, today I've decided that's enough. Two weeks later I've decided that's enough. Right are we ready? Yeah. Okay. Husband is the definition of weaponized incompetent. Then it's got like a little bracket and it's um rant grave. Okay. Absolutely at my wit's end our son our son ended up getting a cold and then gave it to me but it was way worse for me felt like flu but to the point

where I could hardly get out of bed without feeling like I was gonna die I have been sick I haven, I have not been sick in the last three years. Nevertheless, my husband worked all day so I took care of our toddler the best that I could. I ended up calling into work that evening and text my husband, please be ready to take care of me all night. He said, of course, my baby. Well, I then had to listen to him complain the entire night about how he had so much to do, about the garbage being full, the dishes, having to feed the cat dog. He was complaining about having to make our son dinner by himself and he couldn't, he couldn't so

I had to come downstairs and watch our son while he did it. He stomped around when I asked him to bring me medicine or fill my water or if I needed more tissues to the point where I ended up getting up and making myself a right now when I read this last night it says tub t-u-b is that tub okay making myself a tub what the fuck is a tub I thought she meant T right and then I carried on reading and then by the time that was done I had some energy to give my son a tub. Okay, so we'll say... I don't know what a tub is. Yeah, me neither.

And put myself, and put him down to bed. I found my husband on his computer completing some paperwork for a school he had applied for. He was up there for two hours. The house was a mess. Toys everywhere, dishes overflowing, hadn't been vacuumed, dirty clothes everywhere, garbage needed to be taken out, animals needed to be fed. I just ended up doing it all myself despite being fatigued. Short of breath and

faint. He ended up coming downstairs hours later and said, oh wow, you didn't have to do that. And then sat on the couch to put on a show. I literally cannot believe I have found myself with a husband who does not care, does not try anymore, and is more concerned about himself. Has anybody's had a husband like this that has changed, or is it a good kick out of the house that it's going to have to do? Go on fuck. Kicking him out the house is a little extreme.

It depends how fucking fed up you are babe. I mean you've got to be seriously fed up to kick him out. I mean she was ill. It's extreme. Ah. I mean, I just think a majority of men, like a really high, high percentage of men, I like this. And it's all our fault. Of course it's our fault. You know, we had the kids. I just think it's so- We set the bar too high.

I actually think it's a societal thing babe where men are suspected to bring in a higher income look you know look after the family and women are expected to look after the home more right even though we know we know she works but now that's actually not the case very much nowadays now you've got the man working the woman working just as hard and for some reason most of the chores are still put on the woman. That's not all relationships let's be fair but I have noticed that a lot of women are like hold on a minute because I also work part-time, I also look after the kids, I also do the house, when do I get a fucking break? And they're not wrong.

No, they're not. You know, that's what I mean. That's what I said to you. Like, yes, Paul did come home and he was a great dad and all that, but I did do it all because he was working. He was the one earning the living. It was... I'm with you. Like, that is how my... I was quite happy with that. But if I was ill... No, I know it's all the same. Okay, I'm sorry about that. But in my house, if I was ill, like when I was pregnant with Harry, as you know, I was sick with

Alfie and I was sick with Harry and one day I had to ask him to come home from work. That is how sick I was. So he came home, took over and obviously I just carried on puking till about eight in the evening. And what the funniest part was, he was so tired he put Alfie to bed and then he had like fallen asleep in Alfie's room and then about eight o'clock my migraine had cleared, I'd stopped being sick and I managed my first cup of tea and I was alright then. I was like get up and twang and he'd done like two hours. He knackered himself out. But you know at least I had that I feel like what was when you were ill? Nothing. I didn't get ill. Ever. You haven't been ill ever or you just it didn't matter. No. It didn't matter. I, no. My god. Fucking hell. That's a bit grim innit? So yeah, I get where she's coming from and

especially like I feel like times like that is when men can really do a little bit and then it would go such a long way mentally. Yeah yeah. And women. Yeah I mean it is sort of, the bare minimum is expected. I think so. And it should be, I mean everyone should be doing bare minimum. Shall I do our top comment? Go on. Right, always make sure the consequences of weaponizing incontinence come down on the person using it. He spent two hours doing paperwork. Oops, guess he gets to do homework when he comes back instead of watching a show. When my partner is in charge of the house, I am out. Do not ask me for anything unless someone is in danger or there's immediate

consequence you can't fix. You're going to burn out at this rate and you're not happy, you're not helping him or your son either if he's incredibly incapable of taking care of things for one evening. I feel like that's the complete and utter opposite extreme. So what's that mean? Her husband would be like in a detention. I didn't quite get the paperwork bit. So I understood she was saying when I'm out that's it I'm out. When I'm not in that room and he's in charge of the house and the kids, don't talk to me unless someone's in danger. Like, don't ask me for nothing. So I think, if it was in her house and her husband didn't, I'm saying her,

didn't take over, he would be in like punishment, well you can't watch the show because now that's when you do your paperwork. Bit confusing, bit strict for me and then someone said but that you do realize there's no way to enforce this he's an adult that's what I mean that's why I was like what? He's not a child you can put it you can put in timeout or a teenager you can take away the car keys. Trying to tell an adult man who's already weaponized he's in compliance that he doesn't get to watch a show instead of instead must do chores this person that's where I'm right once you

clean the house that's you can't live like that either this right so that's one extreme I don't even think I couldn't even see him complying with that. Oh, okay then. You cannot talk to an adult. I don't think so. Cause then it's an argument. Yeah. Is that an argument worth having?

I don't know if it is. It could be like, mate, could you just help me out with that? Like, you can ask. It's just, honestly, I feel like sitting down and having a conversation at this point and say, listen, I was really fucking ill and you didn't even do what I need you to do, not sitting down

and having a conversation. Because if you're raising it with that person and they still ain't getting it, you are doing everything you can. And if they still ain't getting it, then it stops being your problem. It's time to leave. Yeah, okay.

Now you can kick him out. Fucking, you have got a detention when you get home from work. Can you imagine that house? That's one extreme to the other, mate. Like, because I'm telling you now, if Paul was like, do this, or you're not allowed to do that,

I'd be like, who the fuck are you talking to mate can you imagine someone saying to you not allowed to watch your show oh yeah good moving on yeah we'll save that for a later podcast right am I the arsehole for not telling my husband about the GIF ahead of time. Okay. Okay, my 36th female and my husband, 41 male, have been married for almost 10 years now. He said he is not good at buying GIFs even though I just think he is lazy about it. Some form of weaponized incompetence. it, some form of weaponized incompetence. And so I do most of the gifts gift buy him. This year I was sent by work to South Africa and I decided to buy Christmas gifts there. I had mentioned that one of our daughters wanted a bike but he said no so I moved on but to him I was going to buy gifts in South Africa anyway.

Give it a go, I can't help it. Yeah. Typically he likes me to call and inform him when I'm buying the gifts but this year I decided not to. After all I am the one buying the gifts but this year I decided not to. After all, I am the one buying the gifts with my money and making the decision. He just wants to keep in the loop. Fair play. I get back home, wrap the gifts and send them to my parents since we were travelling together out of town for Christmas. I bought and wrapped his as well. Christmas morning arrives and

there is no gift under the tree for me. My husband says I acted in bad faith and didn't tell him that I was bringing the gifts or I had bought gifts so he didn't think to buy me a gift. He says I was acting like I didn't want to involve him so he didn't have time to plan. I said it's Christmas so obviously there is going to be gifts. He says not going with the usual way was underhanded and threw him off and that's why I have no gift. I was thrown off by this but stood my ground but now I'm a bit unsure. Am I the asshole? Absolutely not. What a cunt. What a load of old shit. What a lemonhead.

The thing is, what a fucking piece of shit mate. Like he knows it's Christmas, it goes, it's like her birthday. I didn't get you a present because I didn't know whatever else was getting you. What a piece of shit. He knew she was getting them from Civivica and it still weren't good enough. And he's like.

Because she didn't tell him what she had bought. But what. So he could go, yeah I'm really glad you liked that. Her buying... right, but her buying for other people still has nothing to do... do you know it reminded me as you're reading, I'm really sorry, it's my legs people yeah, fucking off. I'm gonna have to wear two knee straps on the fucking 12-hour thing. They're just gonna like give like... You'll be running like that. I'll be running like those people yes anyway um I saw a tick-tock this morning and this man it's an old tick-tock it's a Christmas one

but he's like stocking for Jeremy stocking for Thomas stocking for me stocking for the dog right Fred we Fred, we're just calling Fred, what's in this empty fucking stocking? And she went that's my stocking and he goes why she he goes why haven't you got any presents? Ha ha ha. She went because Santa forgot about me and you know a lot of fucking women is the same all across the fucking world. Like come Christmas day, there's fuck all or one thing. And it's like, hold on a minute. I have spent since October,

I feel like I'm talking about myself, it might be a little bit. But I have spent, not that I want anything, it's not the fucking point. A pound ball ball is like so meaningful to me. I spent six October fucking organizing what would they want brother and every fucking baby sure everyone gets what they want what they need and even if it's great

Christmas yeah feel like they've been thought about I mean this year I'm particularly skinned so you know obviously it's always about the kids for me but you know I still got him silly shit And he will get for me, but my point like, you know, we don't it's not a big deal But I see these videos and I see these women It's generally sometimes it's men, but it's normally women and these men are just not Making sure their finger and making sure that actually the woman in their life that holds their fucking home together is actually being appreciated and feeling appreciated.

Do you know what else I like as well? And seen. That's what I'm saying. When he gets me, because obviously it's him, not so much now the kids are older, they now will start buying for themselves, but he gets me like, I love Ferrero Rochers and he'll get me Ferrero Rochers from them and I do presents from them do you know what I mean and that really is how everybody even like I say the things I love most are like a pound ball ball and that sort of shit they're like what do you want that's what I want or some fluffy pajamas couldn't be happier it's not about what you're

getting it's about making the effort and she was just sitting there and I was just like, and it was like a big joke to him. She's like, well, something didn't come for me. And I thought, wow, man, your kids are like watching that. Yeah. Yeah. Were you bad, mum? I've had that with mine. My kids were like, is it because you're on the naughty list? No! I said yeah because that one time it's a real long story but cut short their older cousins decided to tell my kids when they're very young that it wasn't real and I'm like absolutely fucking not a course Father Christmas is real. So I ended up doing something to make sure that I got an image of Father Christmas I'm trying to be careful here. Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

And obviously you're not allowed to see Father Christmas because you're supposed to be asleep right? And you're a child! I got that image of Father Christmas in our home, putting Christmas presents under our tree and because I did that I then got put on the naughty list because you're not supposed to see far for Christmas. Okay that makes sense. So that year I was on the naughty list so my kids were like can't do that again so the next year I was still on the naughty list okay and they were like why are you still on the naughty list? Did you go and see far for Christmas? I absolutely did not. And that's actually quite sad it

was sad but my parents always have done like course from the kids to me yeah I've never not had yeah yeah yeah not from Father Christmas I've never not have had gifts and I always get something I really do I'm like not saying I don't from my husband and the kids but it's like I don't need big gestures I feel like that's my point it's the silly little shit that I like what do you want I'm like I pound ball ball yeah yeah see me they they acknowledge yeah yeah I am that other person yeah it's just I think it's every couple to acknowledge what it means to make Christmas come alive for our

children and I feel like the acknowledgement of one partner taking to acknowledge what it means to make Christmas come alive for our children. And I feel like the acknowledgement of one partner taking care of everything and then you don't stop and think to yourself, oh my god my partner's done all this so our Christmas is magical. I'm gonna take this time to make sure their Christmas is magical and that's what I'm saying it can all come from the pound shop it's the thought and the gesture that makes it Christmas. And don't get me wrong don't think I never got gifts because I did. Yeah no yeah yeah I feel like we're both a little bit in the same place there it's not like what Christmas is about does that make sense? Yeah I mean yeah. yeah. I get beautiful stuff every year.

I'm not pretending that I don't. I mean, there was one Christmas where I literally just got money and a card. From that person. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I know, because it sounds like we're ungrateful,

but it's not. That's not being ungrateful. It's not, it's what is. Yeah, it was. It's like, it's what is. Yeah, it was, I don't. It's like being seen. It is being seen. And listened to about, you've personally. And I know that you like this thing

and it may only be this big but I've only got you one. Yeah. Thank you. And then because we were talking, so on my Christmas tree, I don't know if you wanna take a photo and show them after, like you can just add it on. I'm very proud of my Christmas tree, I don't know if you want to take a photo and show them after, like you can just add it on. I'm very proud of my Christmas tree because a lot of my baubles when we first moved in together and then obviously throughout the years we progressed. And every year we've got, so I made, which Emily thinks is gross, I'm going to say you

said gross. Yeah, so we had, me, Alfie and Harry had Covid and I kept our Covid things, wrote on the back the date and the year that we got Covid and now they are Christmas decorations with our names and the dates on the back and the only one that didn't have Covid was Paul but I couldn't leave him out so his Covid is negative and that's on the tree and I said to her is it gross because we might get COVID from it, but they've been there a few years. Anyway, last year, so if I see an Alfie and a Harry ornament,

of course I buy the ornaments. Well, I come home and as I told you a hundred times guys, like I'm dyslexic, so I've come home, I've put the new Alfie and Harry, every year I buy a silly decoration I asked the boys to get me whatever it could be 50p I don't care anyway so I've put it on Harry comes in the lounge and he's like that says Henry it says Henry so now this year getting it out gives it's a little bit special isn't it

special and that's what I'm saying like those stupid things and those memories that I pull out really early in November and it goes down Boxing Day but for that time that I pull it out and then the little grin I have when I put it away and then add so next year I've always got the silly crap I mean I brought Jason this year Jason the killer yeah with his chainsaw and he's wrapped in Christmas lights so he's on my tree this year that is it I've got gremlins but I haven't put them on my tree this year what did I see that was cute was it a dinosaur yeah yeah they were cute but yeah but I have got a full set I remember gremlins yeah but because they're heavy

and then I got really anxious that like I was gonna pop them in the tree and the girls were gonna touch them and like they get broken. You know that because I had visions of us swinging around the tree. I've got really heavy ornaments. Don't you bend the top over on the heavy ones. Yeah but I just got really anxious. Yeah. Because I really love these gremlins. Yeah I've got glass ones and all sorts. Yeah it it makes me worry. Anyway, update. I'm so sorry. Update, but she says, update, but not really.

Thank you for all your clarification. I'm working on leaving, but it's understandably not the easiest thing in any situation. Grateful for all their perspective. Sometimes someone gets in your head and you think you are wrong. When you are not. Really needed the clarification. Merry Christmas to you all. There you go. Do you want me to put that top one?

We're going to have to do the top comment even though we've spent 40 minutes going, it's not about the present, it's about the gift. It's about the thought. It's the gift. The first year my ex-boyfriend and I were together my birthday came around with no acknowledgement from him. No card, no cake, no gift, no nothing. At the end of the day I asked him if he knew it was my birthday. He said he knew but didn't like to make a fuss over such things. Okay, I didn't make a stink. His birthday was five months later

and when the day arrived, I could see his excitement but I went about the day business as usual. No card, no cake, no gift, no nothing. Especially acknowledgement. At the end of the day, he asked if I knew it was his birthday. I said yes I knew but he doesn't like to make a fuss over such things remember? He knew he had fucked up so he had to live with the disappointment. Well that was just an extra little story on there but it's true

isn't it? Yeah he sounds like another fucking prick. This pleased me almost as much as him no longer being your boyfriend. He's sweet as well. His name was Richard, my grandma asked if he was a dick, meaning his nickname. I said, yes, Graham, he's a dick, but we call him Richard. Why does Richard and dick? How is that even? Yes, Graham, he's a dick, but we call him Richard. Why does Richard and dick? How is that even? I don't get it.

A short version, I don't know either. But that's right. Growing up, everyone was like, this is Richard, but we call him Dick. I was like, do we? Do we though? Oh, he's gone right off. Look, my son-in-law's name is Richard,

but I call him Dick. Both he and my daughter think it's hilarious but my now ex-wife hates it so we all know if we want to get her mad we will start calling him Dick. Or Dicky. Dicky! So I suppose my ex is the real Dick. By the way the the original poster NTA guys like that you all that you are all King Richards okay anyway okay moving I feel like I've said everything I need to say about that it really fucking pisses me off yeah okay spouse who deal who deal with weaponized incompetence, why are you staying or how was it after you left? I've been lurking here reading about marriages destroyed by one partner's weaponized

incompetence. Some stories end with both spouses better off after the divorce, others not so much. Mostly it's the effort of money needed to raise small children that makes the divorce a bad option. Needless to say, I am in a pre-divorce situation and doing my research on whether or not I should go ahead with it. My spouse has always been rather on the incompetent side, forcing me to deal with adult, be the real adult in the relationship and take care of the hard stuff that needs to be done. That's always bothered me, but not enough to act on it until we had kids since the birth, which has also taken a large toll on my physical and emotional health.

I am the mum, hi. My dad, my husband's once harmless incompetent has suddenly become a huge problem. He's not worse than he was. It's just his inability to solve problems and refusal to get his act together. Now has far larger consequences than say a forgotten bill left unpaid. I think I've done my part in telling him exactly what bothers me, why I'm unhappy and what I need him to do better at. I asked him to go to therapy as well

if he was feeling burnt out. I started out as calm and supportive and I worked on my issues. I got treatment for my mental health problems. I made lists and dotted the I's and crossed off the t's and then and he has done absolutely jack shit to improve. Day in and day out I parent him as much as or more than I parent my two-year-old and six-month-old. This is destroying any positive feelings I may have once had for him, leaving me with

nothing but bitterness and resentment. I don't want to be his wife anymore, plain and simple, but I do realise that divorce would bring a whole lot of logistic issues, would make my life at least as complicated as it is now so do I stay in an unhappy marriage with a man I despise or do I leave and face single parenting of a baby and a toddler? Leave you're already parenting on your own so like she's already left. What's the point in staying and creating such a toxic environment in front of your kids

for your kids leave I think you're already doing it by yourself from what you're saying it's not even I mean she's written the story babe but I feel like mentally she already has yeah she despises she's saying words I despise I mean, that is a real big fucking word. What else do you think? I mean, she's told him. Yeah, I feel like she's done what she can do. And he's not doing anything. And if he genuinely isn't doing anything to make life easier for himself, for them as a couple,

for them as a family, for them as a family. Yeah. Then he said what he needs to say as well. Yeah. That's it. They're possibly both done. So top comment. The first time he brought up divorce was when I started getting serious about wanting of a more equal partnership. When it came to household chores, I should have got out then,

but I tried for almost a year to make it work. In the end, I was still doing the majority of the housework and being ghastly into thinking that it was okay because he was new to this and trying so hard. And then someone said to that person's top comment, there's always trying hard but fail. Well, that's strange. Your man child, I love that saying, I say that a lot. You don't fail at hobbies or your career or poor decisions, but helping your spouse

out, trying but failing, that's a really good point actually yes if you really want to do something then you'll do it and you'll do it to the best of your abilities if that means making you can see I mean he must notice I bet they're not having sex or anything because she despises him I want to see if she's written back don Don't think she has. I mean, you might not even have noticed, he might be just so up in his own little world of- It's all about me. Of, yeah, me-ism.

I don't really understand, like, if your wife is like, "'Hum, this is really becoming a problem for me,' and you are not- And you're not taking it serious. Yeah, and then when there's a divorce um he's gonna be like what happened you broke our family up yeah this was over a year ago and she has not done any other because she's going through divorce yeah she's doesn't have time to do this. She's busy, yeah. So you need to take us home babes.

I don't know if this is the one then. I told you I only had three. I don't know if this is the one. We know you do six. So I picked this one. Okay, well. Because it's under men's rights. Okay, fair play.

Okay, so this is coming from a slightly different perspective. Yeah. It's very short. Yeah. It's been like little, you know, the little thingies, what are they called? This little thing.

Yeah. Under feminism. Okay. Okay. And men, other men have responded. Good. So I just felt like this was just that other side. It is, you're right.

Because normally it is is the whole thread is basically women Proper just men in yeah, yeah my man's like useless mines my useless in your yeah This one is winning though. She's actually in divorce. Yeah, she's she's on the default. I'm over it. Yeah so the absurd idea of weaponized incompetence. Okay, I like it. Okay. I am a bumbling idiot. I forget my wallet or my glasses or to punch in, which is obviously

logging into work. Yep. Or I left my Coke sitting on top of the car, I might forget my head if it wasn't attached. Yet if I forget something for a woman, I get death stares like I did it on purpose. I cannot tell you how absurdly infuriating this is. This notion of weaponizing incompetence is just another way feminists have manufactured to hate men. What do you think of that? I think he has a very good point in the sense that when we're reading something that's why I said not everything is weaponized incompetence. The last story she has said to him this is the problem

I need your help. the woman that with the who was sick she did not sit down and say to him I'm not feeling well get your ass in gear because I need you to take over but equally should she have to go yes husband I'm really sick just in case you can't see it. That's his point. Some people just don't pick it up babe. And it's... What the fuck? And it was my hair. Now it's on me?

Yeah, here do you want some more? No, no I don't. That's rude. It's lovely. Yeah, I feel like... Huh? What, my hair is on me? Is that your hair?

Where is it? Is that your hair? It's like your hair. You've got a job? Yeah, I feel like he's right, not everything is weaponised incompetence. Some people are just like that

they're clumsy, forgetful, definitely one of them. I put things in safe places and then I can't fucking find it. Paul's like Is it in one of your safe places? I'm just like, yeah, because I don't fucking find it. And Paul's like, Paul's like, Is it in one of your safe places? And I'm just like, yeah, but I don't know where it is,

but I don't, you know, and then I forget things. That's why I try and write everything down. Yeah, but you're not forgetting something so you don't have to do it. No, I'm not, but sometimes it- Oh, is it Christmas? I never know it is.

By your, I didn't realize it was Christmas to find you a Christmas present. That is weaponizing. That is, no, actually, that isn't even weaponising. That is just he was being a fucking asshole. That was pure spite. That was spitefulness. The woman that was ill he just... okay he might be using weaponising competence but until she sits down and says this is the shit that's bothering me I was really ill you should have fucking taken over instead of coming down and gone I I could have done that that would really piss me off I would have done that oh you did everything I'm a crust like that would have pissed me off too late hello too late.co.uk like get it. But so that's why I can understand. I've got a few more ready. Okay go. So top comment is, earlier my marriage my wife complained

about how I did the dishes. They were still perfectly clean so I didn't understand why it mattered that I did them a bit different than her. After several complaints I simply stopped washing dishes for several months. She didn't complain after that and even thanked me once in a while for doing the load. Petty maybe if there's a better way to knit nagging. Nagging in the butt. I've yet to find it. Do you know? So men are calling it nagging. Paul hates the way I wash up. Listen I'm not being funny. I've had people wash up my stuff in my flat and when they've... I saw Sarah washing up. I've been washed up again. Right so Paul says I'm shit washing up but Paul doesn't

wash up so I'm like sounds like a you problem to me and before anyone starts the man can't help it. Women are weaponized incompetence and men are nagging. I want to know the damn more. So off of that one that's what I've done with my girlfriend I can't wash my own clothes and and was hers and wash hers and they come out perfectly clean and hang out to dry just fine. But it isn't the right way her way. Right. And she hates it and and and and thinks it's wrong and yada yada and will make a mountain out of a molehill so I told her it can just be just be one of her jobs and I'll stick to doing the other stuff if she doesn't like that she'll have to accept I want

to do I want to do it my way and stop nagging me. Exactly the same as you, she's stopped complaining and thanks me when I help her on occasion. For me, yeah, for me with that, I feel, it's punishment. Like actually when they are trying to help, like the whole, it's not, you're not doing it right, you're not doing it my way. I feel like that's a her problem. Yes. I don't think that's a you're incompetent. No. I think that's this is how I've done it. Yeah. This is

how I do it. Yeah. I prefer it my way. Okay then here you do that. Yeah. That's not a problem. I know so for for me, when I'm told- So to call it the yada yada nagging, I think that is actually the guy's being a bit of an asshole, but she's trying to be like, I can't cope with that. So for me, like, this is just another example, it would be like, so I'm not very, I can't say the word length,

the length of it, length, and then I'm corrected all the time and I'm like, that's how I say it That's how you say it. Why do you make everything such a big deal? Do you know I mean or if I'm not washing up the way it's meant to be done. I Don't I'm a different. I'm not you like I'm not a carbon copy. I'm a different person if you don't like it That's a fucking you problem and there's definitely a difference between doing it shitty you don't have to do it again of course just being doing it to the best of your ability but the other partner is like oh oh I wish you would do it like this yes tough shit tough shit do you know what I mean

so that sounds like you now need to take over that job because I can't argue with you. Exactly. Over something that you feel you could do a bad job on. I can't bear people that constantly tell them how they would do it or what they're doing wrong. It pisses me off because they're trying. There's another man, you ready?

Go on. The thing I like about my wife is that she grew up in a house where those things didn't get done. They didn't clean things properly, didn't do laundry often and so on. As a result she doesn't have it in her mind that there is a right way and she's good with however I want to do it. The only downside is I have to remind her that it needs to be done sometimes and actively enlist her help but that's not so bad. Yeah.

Yeah. So she's a bit more of a slob then. She's just like, oh yeah, forgot to wash. Yeah, who cares? Nah, I'll do it tomorrow. I'm still alive! But did you die? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, lots of guys joined in. I do, I understand, because some of the stories we read, babe, they were like, shweppin' and I'm like, is it though? I don't feel like it is, I feel like it is just, it's a both of you problem and you're not trying to solve it, so why are you here?

Try and solve it with your husband first, that woman who is like I've been counseling I've done this I've told him what's bothering me blah blah blah And he's still not doing it has led her to the point where she despises him Yeah, and he's done that because she has said gently This is what's pissing me off. Mm-hmm. So, you know Right, I feel like that's it. I wanted to just say. Yeah, I liked that one. The opposite perspective. Oh yeah, to be fair babe, a lot of our podcasts are like. I hate being called naggy. I don't think you're naggy. I don't think I'm naggy either. I got called naggy. I bet you do. And I'm like, I just, I feel like I'm caring. Yeah. And that's

what I'm doing. I'm not nagging. I'm actually giving a fuck right now. I don I feel like I'm caring. Yeah. And that's what I'm doing, I'm not nagging, I'm actually giving a fuck right now. I don't feel like I'm a nagger. But when I stop nagging, things ain't gonna get done just so you know. I feel like, I don't, I'm not really a nagger, but I feel like- I don't think I nagged.

That I'm more- I did everything, so I don't know what I would be nagging about. I'm more like- Shush. I get to the point where I'm pissed off, do you know what I mean? And then I'll say that it takes a very very long time and a lot to... I tell you, so what have I been saying? So chewing gum, being put on the side, on a tea cosy thing, that fucking pisses that was why they are so I said that and

feeding the cats leaving the empty things stood up on the side put it in the fucking bin so you've seen it at my flat where we've you've come in and I go look at that and my two children have had like a can of something or they've opened a suite or whatever and they've they put it on top of the bin yeah on top of the bin yeah instead of just putting their foot on the pedal and putting it in the bin they put it on top of the bin and i'm like i say i go i've asked you a hundred times to not leave them on the side. The bin is right fucking there. What is that?

What is that? I mean, you know where the bin is. Yeah. Why can't you open it? You walk past it, my God, like put it in the fucking bin. That, that, or, cause sometimes you go in there, one's falling over and the rest of the gravy inside has like spilled all over and I'm just like

the bad like a crazy person is my probably pet bear yeah I can't no mine is guys yeah mine is the cat foods on the side I don't understand it I just can't understand it. Feed, bin. Yeah. How is that complicated? Honestly. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like that's enough. Right. I'll post, we'll find something else.

And let me tell you. Right. No nagging. Like follow, subscribe. Let's not be incompetent. I definitely, we're all capable. We're like a lot of them weren't incompetent. We're all capable.

Yeah, well, I don't know about that. We are all capable. We just choose not to do something. Oh my god. Oh my Christ. Bye! Bye bye! Wow.

What do you think of that? What do you think of that? What do you think of that? Well I think that girl has got everything that she deserves.