Midnight Burger - Chapter 2: Planet Straightforward

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

It's Gloria's first official shift at everyone's favorite space, time, and dimension traversing diner and the staff finds themselves setting down on a dense, forested planet, teeming with life. I'm SURE everything on this planet is nice and benevolent. Right guys?... Guys?...Cast:Gloria - Siouxsie SuarezCaspar - Joe FisherAva - Finlay StevensonZebulon Mucklewain - Neal StarbirdEffie Mucklewain - Julie Cowden-StarbirdLeif - Tom MoormanWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonMusic:My Cradle Melody - The Strand QuartetGive Way Jordan - Fisk University Jubilee SingersAve Maria - SchubertRead and search Scripts with PodScripts: https://podscripts.app/For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Subscribe on Supporting Cast: https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fmHow about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Radio Rental. The scariest stories you've ever heard in your life, all told by real people. Oh, and off we go. On one side of me, I have these people whispering to each other, staring at me, and then the other side I have this distaste man gurgling. I was afraid that something was trying to trick me and lure me down there, and I had no idea what I would feel. find if I walk down to that pond.

Zach, there are people outside the room talking. Radio rental is available now. Listen for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Appy, isn't that more secular music? I thought you only did that on special occasions. Funny you should ask that, Gloria. It stems from a fascinating conversation between my husband. husband and I. The crux of it being, if the Lord is master of all creation from whom all springs,

is there any music that cannot praise his name? In the end, there can be no thing not praising him and deserving of his love. Cool. Let me tell you about a guy named David Bowie sometime then. Okay, guys, huddle up. What do we think of the new girl? I think she's great. She says my name right. What are you talking about? don't say your name right? She says Leif. That's what we're saying. That's how we pronounce it. Leif. Leif. That's what I'm saying. That's what he just said. Leif. Leif. I'm saying it right. We're both saying it right. You're not. Gloria, how do you pronounce my name? I say Laif, but you guys say Leif. Am I saying it wrong?

I heard the same word twice. Is that what you heard? Yeah. I think they're both having a stroke. Maybe you're both having a stroke. I can't have a stroke. I'm too powerful. Hey, Gloria, what are you doing? Sidework. What is sidework? Sidework. You know, before a shift starts, you fill up the sugars, you marry the ketchup bottles, wipe down the tables. Oh, well, look at us.

Fancy. I don't know about you, but I'm going to drape a white linen over my arm. Going to go back in the kitchen, make some duck a la laage. I'm going to put on some high heels and order some clams casino. I, for one, enjoy the air of finery that Gloria brings to you. to our humble establishment. Honey, I think I'll put on my good overalls. And I'll put on my one dress that's been in my family for a generation

and to see more funerals than an undertaker. Is this a hazing? You're making fun of the new girl. I'm not sure we've never had a new girl before. Hey, what am I looking at outside the window? It's incredible. That's the curvature of space. We're skirting around the outside of a spatial plane

before settling down at a particular location. Leif and I call that the back of the serpent. Because they are apparently Norse and 2,000 years old. My brothers and sisters, we should prepare. I can feel the fibers of creation beginning to settle into place. Our arrival is imminent. All right, well, I hope everyone's finished their sidework. Ha, ha.

Effie, what are you feeling in your bones about our new destination? The Lord whispers. to me of a dense and wondrous land of forests and streams taming with life. That sounds nice. Also something about teeth. That sounds sure. To hasten our arrival, let's hear from the Smith's sacred singers, shall we? Okay, you ready for your first shift?

Pretty sure there's no way I could be ready for this. That's the spirit. How does this usually work? It's like any diner. We open the door at six. Then, unlike any diner, once we open, we'll be in one of two situations. Either A, someone needs to come in and have a seat, or B, something tries to violently kill us. There's no third option?

Yeah, sometimes it's both. I'm going to go heat up the grill. I'm going to go sit in my booth and do nothing at all. Okay, here we go. Forest. It doesn't look too threatening. Let's open up. It's really beautiful.

This is looking like more of an A situation, so that's good. Ow! Hey, I tripped on something. Hang on. What is it? It's a... Whoa, look at that. Is that a bone? Oof, it's heavy.

It looks like a jaw bone. Look at the teeth on it. Effie was right about those, too. Was that your stomach? I was hoping it was yours. Any chance we both just imagine? that at the same time? I'm beginning to feel this is not an A situation.

It's B. It's B. It's B. It's B. B. B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, situation. Oh, great. What is it? We didn't see it. We heard it. Why do you have a huge bone in your hand? I forgot to drop it. What's up? There's something out there. What is it? Oh, cool bone. We heard something. What'd you hear? Oh, yeah. B situation. Is the door locked?

It's locked. It sounds massive. Maybe we're on planet irony, and the creature is actually quite small. Does that sound like irony? Do you? Okay, I guess we're on planet straightforward then. Can anyone see anything? It's too dark.

Is the sign on? No. Leave? First of all, we had a whole conversation about how we need to turn the sign on when we open. Secondly, turn on the sign, please. Okay. Okay, okay. Please don't be terrifying. Please don't be terrifying. Sign coming on. Holy shit.

Really big monster. Zero irony. Oh, that's a big boy. Look at its teeth. Um, look at Gloria's teeth. What? The huge jawbone you're holding in your hands, look at the teeth. Oh my God. It's the same teeth. I sincerely hope that's the bones of one of his enemies and not. Not an old pal of his. It's like someone put a shark's head on top of a 12-foot emaciated corpse.

Not a Darwinian masterpiece, for sure. Oh, it's looking right at me. Is it going to be able to get in here? Well, there was this one time when we were literally inside a red dwarf, so I'm assuming one creature, here it comes. Okay, the door's holding. Anyone else think it's weird that it's bipedal in a forest Bio?

Read the room, Eva. It's looking for another way in. Is there one? I don't think so. Unless you forgot to lock the back door again. Shit. Hang on. We're good.

Whoa, it's back here now. The place we forgot to lock. Is there a sun porch or something? No, we're good. Wow. It really wants in here. It's fine. We're in here.

It's out there. We'll wait it out. And in the morning, we'll be gone, and it'll be confused, and then go on with its day. Hmm. Yeah. Hmm. Jesus. What?

Nothing. Nothing. What? It's just... I mean... I'm going to kill both of you. What is it? I know Ava was joking about it being planet straightforward.

But I mean... It's really... straightforward. A creature outside trying to get in? That's it. No spatial distortion, no dimensional riff. It's very early aughts horror movie. There's a thing in the woods and it's killing people and no one will believe you. That sort of thing. Starring Justin Long. Right, and like Kate Bosworth. Who cares? I believe what our compatriots are attempting to convey is that our current predicament on its face is the picture of simplicity. And perhaps if we sat with that simplicity for a moment,

we would begin to observe complexities within complexities. The Mona Lisa is simply a picture of a nice lady, but look closer and there is a universe within. So what? We've got to figure this out or something? Maybe it bears a closer look. Yeah. It's too boring. Guys, I would really like a night off.

I know, but it's too boring. Wouldn't a night off be nice, though? But it's my first night. Okay. Let me make a counteroffer. How about we not figure it out, and instead, Leif makes night breakfast. Ooh, night breakfast.

The temptation is strong for night breakfast. is forbidden. Truly. Food that it is syruped belongs in the day. And yet, from time to time, one finds oneself presented with a pile of waffles

when the moon is high, a scoop of whipped butter melting atop them. I'm not gonna lie. That sounds straight up erotic. But maybe Leif's right. Maybe we should figure out what the deal is with this horrific thing outside

and then have night breakfast. as a reward. Okay, fine. But then, after night breakfast, we are playing a game of Dice in the walk-in. You currently owe me $2,800 from Dice in the Walk-in. Yes, but what if this time I'm in the zone? You're never in the zone. Guys, focus. I'm hungry now. Eva, do some science. What's the deal with this thing? I don't know. I'm not a zoologist. You know what we called the zoologist back in school? Poop lookers. You want to know why? Because they looked at a lot of poop. Because they looked at a lot of poop. Okay. Why does everyone be goofy right now?

Because the situation was supposed to be either A, we have customers, or B, something tries to kill us. A, there are no customers. And B, the thing that's trying to kill us very obviously can't get in here to kill us. It's like a snow day. I'll start it off. There's a thing outside. It's huge. and ugly. It wants to get in here to eat us.

That's an assumption you're making. I am making that assumption because its mouth is full of teeth and the size of a manhole cover. What else would you use that mouth for? We need an option for a comparison. There's a huge jawbone on the floor

that obviously comes from one of the same species. Maybe it wants that. Why would it want that? It would have to be a known, unknown. We know that we don't know it, but we know there's something to know. But applying Occam's Razor, what's the most logical reason why a monster whose mouth looks like it's full of can-openers wants to get in here? True, but Occam's Razor can quite often be a refuge for bedwetters. Are you a bedwetter, Casper? Because I have my suspicions.

Are all physicists mean? Yes. I don't know who Occam is, but I think you're saying that the most likely thing has got to be true. But since we're trying to, you know, look deeper, maybe we shouldn't go with the obvious thing. Agreed. How long are we going to do this for? Can we have a time limit? Where's it going? You think it lost interest?

Well, I know I have. It is kind of hard to find the nuance here. I think it's just a creature and this is planet straightforward. That's what I say. We don't have to do a full investigation. into this, it's a big monster. Who cares? Sometimes a monster is just a monster. So true. You know who else said that husband? Who was that, honey? The Trojans. Oh, look, a beautiful wooden horse they have given us is a gift. Let us not look into it too much. What could possibly go wrong? You see that?

You're getting sassed by an old-timey radio now. Do you want night breakfast or not? You looking like a dummy is the real night breakfast. What is that now? That doesn't sound. Sound like our friend. A challenger appears. Something's coming through the trees. Oh, my God. He's adorable. Look at that little girl.

Oh. Oh, does it look more like a pig or more like a panda? Look at his little belly. That does warm the heart, doesn't it? Well, he reminds me of my first sow. Pansy,enzie, honey? Yes. I remember Pansy, dear.

Do you remember Pansy used to do that little dance for me in the morning? Yes, dear. What more proof of the Lord's countenance does one need when you set eyes on such creatures? Aw, look at him. He's rooting around for truffles or something. Um, isn't this bad? Oh, no.

Yeah, it's bad. Oh, man. This is going to suck. Why isn't it running? Here it comes. Why are cute things so dumb? Oh, God, nobody. Why is it anything happening?

Who's still looking? I'm still looking. Of course you are. So, the murder creature is completely ignoring the pig panda. What? What the hell? So this is either not the bloodthirsty creature that we think it is, or it's just incredibly bad at being a bloodthirsty creature.

What a curious and fortuitous turn of events. They're both just standing there and like they're waiting for a bus or something. Really glad I didn't have to hear something getting eaten. This puts a snag in our planet's straightforward theory, doesn't it? Oh, night breakfast keeps getting further and further away. So we've been saying that the ugly thing just wants to kill things and it's now standing right next to a very easy-to-kill thing without any killing happening.

To sum up. Well, what the fuck? Right. What do we do now? Maybe the pig panda tastes bad? Like, an evolutionary defense is that it's just really bad to eat? Maybe. Maybe it smells?

There we go. A defensive musk? Wouldn't we smell that, though? if it's that bad? What if we can't smell it? What if it can only be smelled by the murder thing? And what if they grew up together by a lake and swore a vow that they would always be friends no matter what happened? Who cares?

Night? Breakfast. Can we be done now? Okay. Fine. Fine. Okay. Excellent.

Before night breakfast, a quick game of dice in the walk-in. You're literally the worst gambler. in the multiverse. That may have been true in the past, but now, I hope you two were rubbed in spices because I'm about to smoke, y'all. Here we go. Calm down. Gloria, you're lingering, honey. Yeah.

What perturbs you? I was thinking. One time when I ran a restaurant, I buried a whole pig in the ground with hot coals for 36 hours and then used it to cater a wedding. It was delicious. And the pig that I used did not look half as delicious as delicious as the pig panda outside, and it's not getting eaten. You don't have to explain to a couple of Arkansasers the importance of a roasted pig, Gloria. Oh, sweet pansy.

Whoa, you ate pansy. Well, I grew up on a pig farm. Outside of ball, on a pig farm, the pigs are your friends until their solemn duty calls. Yikes. We have a confession to make. We can tell you the story of the ravenous creature outside. You knew this whole time? The Lord had told us its story.

Why didn't you say anything? Well, Casper was running around his passy pants. And we do enjoy watching his knickers get very tightly twisted. We had every intention of telling you during night breakfast. Okay. So, what's the story? The creature outside is not one of God's creations. The creature has its own maker. Someone made that thing?

We know not who. Its creator has long since passed into the beyond. leaving behind an entire race of creatures such as this. Why were they made? You would think to create creatures such as this, one would have to have a sharpened purpose. And yet these creatures were only made because they could be made. A flight of fancy.

It doesn't look happy. No, it is not. For this terrible creature has an even more terrible curse. The reason why our delightful pig panda visitor has not been eaten is because this creature only craves the flesh of its own kind. Oh my God. The cannibals? Well, now, a cannibal has a choice, doesn't he? This creature can eat nothing else.

It spends its life hunting down its own kind? Or being hunted, yes. To turn your own kind into your enemy. It is truly a sin. The job one I found, it probably smelled it or something. That's why it was trying to get in. That's right, my dear. What a horrible life it must have.

It is a life without brotherhood or solidarity. A life of enmity. I would imagine a life where one prays for an ending. But with no cremen. This is a type A situation. It is. What can we possibly do? It must be in hell.

You cannot cure this creature's ailments, Gloria. So the question that remains, what can you do? In the end, there can be no thing not praising him and deserving of his love. Yes. It may be understand me. We think... It's just a thing. bone. That's what you smelled. I'm sorry. Can you, can you sit over there at that booth?

You sure it's not going to eat me? Yes. Okay then. So, this is coffee. I know it seems strange, but it's nice and it's warm. And you can hold it in your hands for a while and pretend that the world is not a swirling mess. That went poorly for me, but isn't it great that there are dependable things in this world? Holy shit. Oh, damn. What the fuck? The three of you? The huge murder beast is having a coffee break. I wanted to mention that earlier. Gloria makes really good coffee. It's true. She does. Eva, these creatures were made by someone. They run around this planet only eating each other. They can't eat anything else. How can that change? Hmm. Assuming they have some way of reproducing, it's a closed system, so it'd be hard to change.

They're basically chasing each other in a never-ending circle around the planet. Zeb and Effie said they've been here a very long time. Okay, so they're reproducing somehow. Probably asexual. Are you looking at some poop there, Eva? Shut up! I'll look at poop if I want to look at poop. You know, over in the Jalesian system, there was this one planet that just had microbes on it until a meteor hit it. And now they have like five pretty good casinos. The meteor brought casinos?

The meteor spurred life to evolve, bozo. That's something, a watershed event, an unusual change. Something would have to insert itself into their continuum. something like a good cup of coffee? Huh. I mean, sure. Why not? Zebulon?

Maybe a nice song. That's a wonderful sentiment, Gloria. Something to soothe the savage beast. This is a good job. Good night burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness. And if time and tide roiled you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you. We open at six.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. Welcome to Magenta Presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Magenta. We begin with the five-part miniseries Ghosted, starring Beth Eyre and Lucy Roslyn. Perched on a rain-battered cliff edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky boutique hotel. Owner and sole occupant Beth has spent months renovating, absorbing its essence into her bones. It's an old building. You'll get used to it.

But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget. Kira. Beth? What the fuck? Face to face for the first time in years, a pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances. Beth, speak to me. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

And something else. Oh, I can't bear it. What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past, too. Beth, he's right there. Why is there blood on your hands? We need to get out of here. Kira.

Kira! I can still see. Subscribe to Magenta Presents, wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon, fans of the esoteric. Bye! Jinta Presents.