Midnight Burger - Chapter 20: Do Not Go Quietly Unto Your Grave

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

Season 2 Finale!Departures, arrivals, goodbyes, hellos, fights, realizations, idiocy, tacos...Funerals, am I right?Cast:Gloria - Siouxsie SuarezCaspar - Joe FisherAva - Finlay StevensonZebulon Mucklewain - Neal StarbirdEffie Mucklewain - Julie Cowden-StarbirdLeif - Tom MoormanGuest starring:Jessica Morris as BertBertCamille Smicker as The ExNewt Schottelkotte as ShelBenjamin Burdick as TedWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonMusic:Master Mason Degree DirgeI'm Going Way Back Home - Avon Comedy FourThe Strolling Yodeler - Matt KeefeO Mio Bambino Caro - Frances AldaMissouri Hoedown - The California HayloftersSRead and search Scripts with PodScripts: https://podscripts.app/For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Subscribe on Supporting Cast: https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fmHow about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Previously on Midnight Burger, surrounded by assholes. Welcome to the party, Nancy Sinatra. All the fish are just jumping into my boat now, aren't they? Yay. Look at all. Everybody takes turns trying to save the day. First up, Leif, with the pawn sacrifice. But if you can get us out of this jam, I will come back and work for you.

Oh, yeah? Whoa. You most certainly will not. Leif, what the fuck! Coming out of nowhere is Casper with institutional malaise. Winning sucks. It really. does. This restaurant

is terrible. Zero stars for sure. And then Shell goes straight up Socrates and just poisons a motherfucker. And what makes you think that I'm going? Because I just poisoned you. All of them fail. Except for one. Aye. To every star in the cosmos,

I never forgot it was a gift. Not for one second. And now, with the fighting all done, the season. finale of Midnight Burger. I really hope I never see you again. I know.

Goodbye, anyway. Okay, maybe not all the fighting's done? Let's start the shift. So, there's this tradition. If you spend a lot of time in space, no matter how old you are, you always plan your funeral. Because space is dangerous.

One fried circuit board, one crack in your fuselage, and you're dead. And the problem with that is, if you're someone who spends a lot of time in space, you're also an idiot. And you think you're never going to die. So when you plan your funeral,

you do it as a fun joke. And this has led to a very long tradition of hilariously shitty spaceman funerals. I happen to know how shitty this particular funeral is supposed to be because it's mine. While I want to keep up the tradition of incredibly bad funerals, I'm afraid I just don't have the heart to do it. Life didn't die from a malfunctioning airlock or a leaky core.

He died saving us. And I just can't turn it into a punchline. So I've asked Effie and Zebulon to say a few words. Hang on. I feel like I need to know how funny this was supposed to be. Absolutely. Are a musical number? Were you loaded into a cannon?

Oh, that's a good one. A reading from the autobiography of Wade Bob? I feel like fireworks were involved. Maybe a team of elephant? These are all good ideas. I really don't want to talk about it. Actually, it's not even that funny. Wait, Birdbird knows how come she gets to know.

Are all funerals like this? No, but wouldn't it be great? Just tell them the quote from the end. That's a good compromise, quote from the end. No. Is it from Independence Day? Cannonball Run? Tutsy?

Cannonball Run, too. Shaffed. I could just read his mind. You had to make it weird. Rucker Howard's speech from the end of Blade Runner, okay? Oh, boo. Get the fuck out of here. Disrespectful.

It was a cooler choice back then. Not really. Y'all. Sorry. Sorry, that's on me. Like I said, like a lot of things I did back then, it was a bad choice. So I'm making a good choice now. Muckle Wains, would you mind?

Of course, life. I say to you now, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the transient inherit the eternal. Listen, and I will tell you a mystery. We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed. In a flash, in the tweak. of an eye at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised eternal, and we will be changed. For the transient must adorn itself with eternity and the mortal with immortality.

When the perishable has been closed with the imperishable and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true. Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? In the land of my birth, there is a hill, and upon that hill is a rock where I have sat and watched a changing world.

This rock will not change. I would say. I'll pass from this earth, but the rock will remain, ever watchful of the land. But my feet kicked the dirt beneath me. Were the granules of soil not once like this rock? Is the rock not a collection of their multitudes? Will the rock not return one day to the dirt? And is my path so different? Neither destroyed nor created, but a collection of dust meant to observe a changing world. then return to dust. What am I meant to do with this time, Lord, when you have roused me from the dust to observe your creation?

Is it only to observe? Perhaps to love, perhaps to cherish. If it be so, then our dear friend now returned to you has fulfilled his purpose. May you accept him into your loving grace. Where are we right now? I don't know. I don't think it's civilized. It's nice, though.

A lot of trees. Reminds me of home. Where's the wine from? Feston. We helped them out of a jam. They were very appreciative. Oh, this was during a glorious march to the sea. Yeah.

Turns out she's way better at running this place than we were. We set the bar way low. And she went way over it. Sorry, I didn't tell. you I was a criminal. That's okay. I used to work at the DMV. You did? Oh yeah. I was a lifer. I had a pension. No offense, but that explains a lot. I know. I'm also a hundred and seventy-three years old. What? Yeah. How? Turns out Ava wasn't kidding about that shifting point of null entropy business. How'd you find out?

X. How old am I? Not nearly as old. It turns out I was here for a really long time before you showed up. You didn't know it? No. Turns out when you don't feel the passage of time, you don't feel the passage of time. Damn.

Yeah. So who's Bert Bert? Fuck. Sorry. She was my first friend. The Ted's dropped me off at Sirius A. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, and she walked right up to me, introduced herself. And then I spent several years disappointing her.

She has a high standard for the company she keeps. I need to talk to her. It's just always so complicated. Do you know what I mean? Do I know what you mean? Remember how I told you about the android with godlike powers that was created by my ex-wife from an ultimate. to confront me about leaving her? I still can't believe that's where she's from.

It's bananas. I like her, though. Me too. She's a hoot. I just attended my own funeral. Yeah. Yeah, that's a... Spicy meatball.

Feeling pretty strange about it. Hey, at least you know how it went. A lot of people don't get that. Hey! Hey, Gloria. When have you come down here and help me? Here I come. No, I'll do it.

Why don't you go talk to Bert, Bert? You guys have covered for me in the kitchen long enough. Hey, Casper. Yeah. I mean, if I'm talking to Burt, Burke. Yeah, I know. Look, we went right into funeral planning mode. I haven't had a chance.

I will. Gloria doesn't let shit go unsaid anymore. I'll talk to her. Okay, so hi. Hi. It is very well organized back here. Thank you. Did you ever catch the Parmesan?

Well, it was a beautiful moment. Casper. The Parmesan teleports from place to place around the kitchen, and I can never find it when I need it. So I decided to stop using Parmesan, and that, I think, is the secret to running a time-traveling, dimension-spaning diner. That's very zen. I made some changes to the menu. There's a menu? There is now. Okay.

Have you talked to her yet? Not yet. How long are you going to do that for? I'm going to talk to her. I haven't had the chance yet. I'm going to hold you to that. Take that pan out of the oven. The oven? Did I ever use the oven? I don't think so.

The first time I tried to use it, there was a book about Napoleon in there. That's where I put it. What are these? They have little skulls on them. It's a day of the dead thing. Is that weird? I think the skulls are a little foreboding, but I think the old man would have loved it. Okay.

Put those on the tray. Hey, speaking of Napoleon, how was your war? So great on the brink of death multiple times. How is your vacation? Oh my God, the same. Take those out to them. Okay. Hey, uh, I'm looking for a job.

Really? What kind of skills do you have? As it turns out, I don't have any demonstrable skills, but I do have a real can-don't attitude. Well, I'm looking at a lot of resumes right now. I'll be making a decision soon. Great. I promise I'll let you down. Hey, you two. I have a plate of cookie-type things here, and I'm going to bring them outside.

Well, that sounds lovely, Casper. Yeah. So, outside to the others. Yes. How have you all been? I heard you turned into robots for a second. Yes, and later on went in the other way entirely. No idea what that means, but it sounds fun. Oh, you mentioned you met some cowboys. Yeah, sort of.

Casper, you're being ridiculous. Casper, you appear to be biting your time inside with us so as to avoid going outside. Why would I want to do that? Also, why wouldn't I want to be in here with you? You are, of course, more than welcome to be here with us. We've missed you this long while. And I've missed you guys. Are y'all having a playing dumb contest? No, I don't know what you mean. Casper, just go talk to Ava.

I will. Not right now. Can you at least deliver those confections that Gloria is made? They're just sitting there. Okay, fine. You're both coming with me, though. I'm about to knit you a security blanket. Oh, shut up.

Cookies. So at what point did you begin to notice that your son was getting dimmer? What is the thing you're pointing at me? Sorry, it records your voice. Okay. Yes, the sun was getting dimmer. I'm sure you can imagine how that's bad for me. And you think this is because of the TEDs'

building a warp gate? How would I know? It definitely was. I wish I knew what system it was. It was a huge star. We call it a Wolfraet star. There's only a few of them out there. Wow. This could have been bilious. What's that? Your planet, I think. It was a controversial place. Some say it had intelligent life. Some didn't. I feel pretty intelligent. You're obviously an intelligent life form. I don't know how they could have questioned it. Classification bingo. The Ted's do it all the time. They don't like a statistic. they changed the defining parameters. They didn't like that Shell's planet had intelligent life on it,

so they changed the definition of intelligent life. Which they probably got away with because someone like Shell is so rare. That's true. I've been around more than anybody here. I've never seen a race like Shells. Is that true? Yeah. I like feeling special, but could we maybe tap the brakes on things that make Shell feel isolated and alone?

Sorry. But plant life is everywhere. could erase like there's be so rare. Leif, how do you feel about photons as a power source? Great. Dependable. But it's mellow, you know? You're not going to break any records with it. But on Shell's planet, with its powerful star, photosynthetic energy is off the charts, allowing certain life forms to evolve past the norm. Cookies, Burtz. Could we talk for a second? I'm working. That's okay. You guys talk. I want to explore the surroundings a little. Don't go far, Shale.

I won't. I'm going back inside. Burt, Bert, Bert, the effects of the wind chimes have probably worn off. Our next stop probably won't be in this timeline, so you should probably make arrangements. My ride's on the way, but Eva, I really would like to sit down with you for some questions before I go. I have so many questions. An interview with a journalist? Twist my arm.

Cookie? Casper, perhaps we should go inside and allow Leaf and his friends some time. X get off to. Maybe she wants a cookie. Let's go see. Does she eat? Shut up. Hi. Hello, Leif. I'm glad you're okay. Thank you.

If I had known you were a prisoner of the Ted's, I would have done... I know. I would have burned the whole thing to the ground, Berks. And probably would have been killed in the process. I don't need heroics, Laif. You know what I need? Wait. Did you hear that? Here what?

Something just entered the atmosphere. Oh, come on. I'm serious. Wait, you're not required to talk to me, and I'm not going to insist, okay? It was in that direction. Come with me. I'm fine. Hey, I know we won the battle, but all of us are still on the most wanted list.

This is probably an uncharted planet. Nobody should be stopping by. Come with me. Fine. Hello. Gloria gave me a taco. I think to get me out of the kitchen. I don't eat, though, so now I'm just standing here with a taco in my hand.

Do you want it? You should try it. I thought you were trying to be more human. Well, I tried a margarita one time, and it was fun, but I don't know where it went, if you know what I mean. Weird. Yeah. What's your energy source? You know, just a positive attitude.

Seriously, though. Seriously, I don't actually know. You can't do a systems analysis or something? No. I'm really good at crawling inside other people's heads, but poetically, I can't crawl inside my own. Irony of ironies. I remember my creator saying something about ambient,

cosmic energy. Your creator. That's right. Casper's ex-wife. That's the one. I can't even imagine what she was like. What kind of a nut bar do you have to be to create something like you just to yell at your ex? She wasn't really thinking clearly at the time. She was a very accomplished person, one of those people who could bend the whole world to her will. always got what she wanted and when you always get what you want, but there's this one thing that you can't get, it tends to drive you a little crazy. And when brilliant people go a little crazy, they sometimes accidentally create the most powerful android in the universe. Oops. She created an android with godlike powers on a goof. See, for me, it's more disturbing if she could do it on purpose. If you can make something godlike on purpose, what does that make you?

Good point. You would have liked her, though. A brilliant nutcase? Of course I would have. Anyway, I don't know much about myself, but I guess it's not much more than you know about Effie and Zebulon, right? I think I'm starting to figure them out, actually. Oh, yeah? What's their deal? Can't you just read my mind? Yeah? Do you want me to? No. I think they're a collapsing waveform. That sounds cool. On a quantum level, particles act like waves, but when they're being observed, they act like particles again. A long time ago, Casper walked into an empty dust-cover diner, and the radio came on.

Suddenly two people existed, and I think that when no one's around, they don't. Do you think they only exist when there's someone else around? Yes. And if no one is around and they do still exist, is it because I'm wrong or is it because they are still in some way being observed? It is such a bong rite being around you. I know, right?

Look, just make your case, okay? What case? You want me to be forgiving. or understanding or something, you want to tell me that Casper's not such a bad guy. Well, he's not such a bad guy, Ava. But I'm not worried about it. Your anger towards him is like a collapsing waveform.

It only exists when it's being observed. Hey, the food's almost ready. Where is everybody? I don't know. They all started doing their own thing. Their own thing? What kind of fucking funeral? is this? The kind that's on an alien planet for a dead guy from the future. How much tradition

were you expecting exactly? Did you try the pan de muerto? The what? The cookies. Oh, no, I didn't. Is it too weird that they have skulls on them? It rules that they have skulls on them. They were on a tray being held by Casper, so I didn't have one. Uh-huh. How long do you think of going to tolerate that behavior? We're going to find out. Whatever. I'm going to get everyone. Have fun. It came from over there, I think. Whatever it is could be a thousand miles away, Leif.

I just want to make sure there's nothing nearby. Sorry. All this time back in the triad has made me a little jumpy. It's fine. Did you seriously consider making a time machine to fix things with me? Like I said, I only talked about that when I was drunk. Well, that's great. Nobody ever says anything true when they're drunk.

When you realize you've gone in the wrong direction with your life, Sometimes you turn that regret into a person. You convince yourself, if you patch things up with them, you can roll back all the mistakes you made. That person, for me, was you. And that's unfair. You're not a symbol. You're a person.

That's what the time machine plan was about. Okay. Look, just tell me why you're mad at me. not because I don't know just to get it all out there. Here we go. Let me have it. Fine. I was always mad about your criminal nonsense, but tried to look the other way. I was incredibly mad that you joined up with Loaf Tracks, who was a fucking murderer.

But I was even more furious when I found out years later that you had actually left the pirate life and were just wandering around as a cook. You're a terrible cook. I know. In my defense, I had to keep a low profile. The Ted's and loaf tracks were looking for me at that point. What if they tried to use you against me? So I kept to the outer rims and didn't make waves. And then suddenly there was a diner.

It was nice not being that guy for a while. And then we got trapped here in the triad, and it all came back to haunt me. Maybe that was for the best. Not for the old man, it wasn't. Look, this is stupid. I'm sure the sonic boom was nothing, probably just vaping and romers like it always is. We can head back.

Uh, I think we've solved the mystery. Hello, Laif. Old Laif? It's good to see you. How many of you are there? Just two now, Bertz. It's good to see you too. Sure.

Look, I'm going to head back to camp so you can catch up with yourself. Burtz. I'm glad we talked. Me too, Leif. Look at you. Look at me. You're wearing robes. I am.

Casper told me you're on an Earth moon now? I didn't believe him. I am. Maroon by Salil. It's been great. A lot of time to think about things. Let go of things. It's beautiful there.

And the irk monks have created a really beautiful sanctuary. Wow. It's so hard to imagine myself meditating. It was for me, too. How did you find us? The old man. He still had his end-of-life beacon on. Of course he did.

I picked it up on Maroon Mai. So I followed the dine. Preprint and that brought me here. Thought I'd check in on you. I appreciate it. You just missed the funeral. Our funeral. How was it?

Good. You didn't do the Blade Runner speech, did you? No, thank God. Effie and Zebulon said some really nice Bible stuff, although what Effie said was almost Buddhist transcendentalism. It was kind of weird. I had no idea what you were getting up to these past few months. There's no news feeds at the monastery.

We got into a ship I borrowed, and it all hit me at once. Pretty crazy, right? I'm really regretting not having a Gloria in my timeline. She's really something, huh? It's funny. It all kind of started with her. We show up in Arizona. She walks in the door.

After a minute, she knocks over the radio. Then Casper starts getting agitated. Then he shoves Ava into deep space. And then the TEDs show up, then she declares war? It all started with her. It's funny you say that. My entire time in the diner, I always felt like it was waiting for something. There was a missing piece.

I still feel like there's a missing piece. I know what you mean. But with you all, I don't feel that way. Really? Yeah. It's like the pieces are in. in place, but something else is missing. What?

I'm not sure. I never did much thinking about what the diner was. That was always Ava's department. But when you're learning how to meditate at a secluded monastery, the mind does tend to wander. I guess if I had to choose a word, it would be purpose. Purpose seems to be missing. I know you prefer to see the world as a bowl of chaos, Laif, you all do?

But I think the next challenge is, for what purpose? You struggle to stay together. Now you're together. So then, what now? We are different. Yes. The cosmos conspired to make all three of us very different. So if you're spending any time today regarding this funeral as your own, it's not.

It's just a funeral for an old friend named Leif. You should come up and say hi. Actually, I think this is all I came here to do. This should be a day for you. I just thought I should come check in on you. I appreciate it. It's been a weird day. Don't be a stranger, okay?

You know, I've given up all my worldly possessions, but I did hang on to a deep scanner. If I see you show up in the neighborhood, I'll swing by for a Monte Cristo. Sounds good. And hey, All the spiritual mumbo-jumbo aside. The old man died surrounded by people who love him, defeating an old enemy.

It's a dream. Goodbye, Leif. I'll be seeing you. 173 years, McElwain's... That's quite a collection of time. I am older than all post-Soviet nations. I'm older than the Queen of England. I am older than the automobile.

I am older than all forms of popular music. Not to diminish... We're still playing in the minor lakes from a biblical perspective. Oh, this is very true. The sons of Adam lived for hundreds of years. All of them? Well, the youngest was Enoch, who only lived to the age of 365. What?

Then upwards of that, Noah lived to the age of nine hundred, And his grandfather, Methuselah, lived to 962. Boy, that Mediterranean diet really is something, isn't it? You can make fun of it if you like, Casper. We're just trying to let you know. You're in good company. I don't know why I'm getting into this, because I'm sure the answer is somehow Jesus, but is there any good reason why everyone in the old school Bible lived longer than most civilizations?

Well, I imagine because they had a whole lot to do, Casper. they had just left the Garden of Eden and had to, over a long period of time, figure things out. Like what? Like perhaps how to hand out freshly made cookies to one's friends and not hide in the woods with the whole darn tray. Very funny. I panicked. That was fairly clear, Tasper. After 173 years, I shouldn't be panicking about anything.

Everything should be boring, even in this place. I don't imagine all those years we spent. were quite the same as the ones we'd spent back home. I imagine they flew by unnoticed, as perhaps they did with the sons of Adam, trudging across the landscape, waiting for a new world to begin. Have you two just been sitting there for 173 years

waiting for me to, I don't know, snap out of it this whole time? I'm sure it may seem that way, Casper, but we've not set here, with secret knowledge all this time. It has been a journey even for us. It has. We've learned many things about ourselves in your absence. Yes, we've learned that we can, at times, inhabit automaton's. Yes. And also at times become two other people entirely. Yeah, I got a taste of that before, remember? Well, yes, but now we can do it on command. That sounds like a fun true. but I don't ever want to...

Oh, God. Doc, coming up next, we've got Casper, calling from... It says here, hiding in a glade of trees. Well, that's quite a location, isn't it, Frank? Definitely a first. Casper, it says you're calling from a glade of trees. I'm a little jealous.

It sounds nice. How can we help you tonight? Casper, are you there? Did we lose it? Hello, Dr. Barbara. There he is. Casper. I'm sensing some hesitation.

Not to worry, just try and remember. You're the one who called in here tonight. Oh, is that what I did? Casper. Frank and I are all nestled here in the studio, and we're very happy to talk to you. Frank, what are you drinking over there? Uh, Doc, it's a spicy Mexican hot chocolate. Oh, well, my goodness.

I'm sitting here with my chamomile tea feeling like a fool. It is pretty great. I've got some warm beverage, FOMO. Is that what they call it, Frank? Phomero. I think so. What the fuck is happening? All right, Casper.

Talk to us. How can we help you tonight? I spent some time away. I had to take care of some things. And while I was away, I learned some things. Now I'm back, and there's people who don't know that I learned these things. And they hate me. Now I have to go back in to all those old.

feelings and dredge them all up when what I really want is to move on. Casper, it sounds to me like you've done some very exciting emotional work for yourself lately, is it? Is that fair to say? Yeah, okay, sure. It's nice to be on a journey, isn't it? Doing that hard work and having the wind at your back is quite a feeling, isn't it? I know what it is for me, Doc. You know what I like about taking a journey, Casper?

you get to take others with you and don't you want to take this person with you on this journey of yours? Yes And listen to that wonderfully honest answer you just gave Wasn't that wonderful, Frank? It was really nice, Doc. I really want you to hang on to that feeling, Casper. Let it be the north star of your journey.

And just remember that some journeys are smooth sailing and some are all about throwing the Jeep into four-wheel drive and getting over that rocky terrain. What do you think of that? Sure, Dr. Barbara. Sounds great. Wasn't that something? Let's head back.

Shell? Seriously, I'm just standing here. I'm sorry. We keep doing that. It's okay. I'm trying to track everybody down. The food's almost ready. I know you're not going to eat it, but you should be there.

It's a special occasion. Sure. What is it? This is the place. What is it? Oh. It is? Yeah.

I think so. Here? Here. How do you know? Um, I don't actually. What do you mean? They were all talking about me back there. Apparently, really rare.

There's not a lot of things out there like me. I may be one of a kind. Of course you're one of a kind. I mean, the only one. It got me thinking, how long am I supposed to search for? I could wait around forever, get so big that I don't even fit inside the diner anymore.

I've got a lot of work to do. Maybe it's not about me finding it. It's about me choosing it. How do you know it has everything? you need. I don't. My son was different, but this planet has two of them, so that could be interesting. Soil is good. There's a river nearby. Look around. See these huge trees? They're all connected to each other under the ground. They share water. They share information. If one of them is sick, they can send nutrients, they can talk to each other. And when I wandered over here,

they started talking to me too. What are they saying? Hello. Man, Shell, I'm going to worry about you so much, though. I know. But I'll be okay. I mean, let's be real, I'll probably be safer here than in the diner. Yeah, okay, that's probably true.

Wow. This is a big step, Shell. Gloria. I have to revive an entire race of people. It's only big steps from now on. I wish I knew I would have thrown you a going away party. Technically, a funeral is a going away party. Sure, I guess.

So how does it work? How does what work? How do you make a whole race of people? Are you asking me how I make babies? Well, don't say it like that. It sounds weird. Why do you need to know? Because I'm not just going to drop you off and say good luck. I need details.

Okay. It's not complicated. I get flowers on my back. Okay. And then the flowers turn into seeds, and then I take good care of the seeds, and then, if I'm lucky, they turn into something like me. Are you scared? No, I'm excited.

It'll be nice to do something that doesn't make me feel out of place. I guess it's been kind of rough living with us, huh? No, I learned a lot, more than anyone from my race has ever learned. It's kind of the reason I'm stopping here. That guy, Casper, he came all that way just to be with his people. I felt that. People need their people. I need some of that.

I guess sometimes you find them, and sometimes you have to make them. from flowers on your back. We can't be your people, can we? No. It's like they're waiting out there to be born. I understand. You know, I learned something from you, too. What did you learn?

That I'm mad. You're mad? What are you mad at? Everything. Kind of. You're not mad at me. Are you? No, no, no, not at you. When I left my planet, things were not going well.

It was a mess. And I think when I first climbed aboard the great space coaster over there, it was to get away from all of that. I was trying to escape. And then I met you, and I saw what the Ted's had done to you. and I saw the same old shit that I was trying to get away from. I couldn't get away from it. I had to face it.

That doesn't sound like any fun. I had something I really loved back on earth. It was a restaurant. Like the diner, but, you know, it stayed put. Every ounce of myself went into it, and then in an instant it was gone. There was nothing I could do about it. I could only sit there and watch it happen.

Sell off the appliances that I had just bought a few months ago, give all the food away to friends. Take the sign out of the window. There was literally nothing I could have done. But here's the thing. Out here with the diner? I fucking won. We actually beat the bad guys,

and that does not happen where I'm from. Where I'm from, you duck and you cover and you hope for the best and hope that random clouds of destruction that swirl around don't choose you this time. I could... This shouldn't be a rare feeling, but I could do something.

The world wasn't a horror show that I had to just sit there and watch. It was like I wasn't even in the audience anymore. I was in the story, and this story could end up however I wanted it to. There's random clouds of destruction on your planet? It's a metaphor, sometimes. Anyway, I'm going to hang on to that feeling. and I found that feeling because of you. Well, you're welcome.

You've got to come back and say goodbye to everyone, okay? I will. Just give me one more second with my new friends, okay? Okay. Are you sure you're going to be okay? I'm going to be okay, I promise. Okay. The food's almost ready, which means

nothing to you, but come on back and we'll put your feet in some wine. Sounds good. I'll be right there. Okay. That was sweet. Oh, fuck. Jesus shit. Sorry. So that's what it's like. Did you not know I was here? I didn't. Well, hi. Hi. Hi. I was sitting right here. I, I can kind of sense when they're around. How's that? I'm not sure. I think it's because of these spores that I admit. They interact with their brains so I can speak their language, but it kind of gives me residual... Vibe?

Sure. Gloria's over there, Leaf is off that way somewhere, Ava's at her booth, but with you... Aha! I can't read you. That makes sense. I'm just a little bit different from them. Just a little.

Do you not... Do you not have a brain? I don't know tons about myself, but I can tell you that my creator described me as a single structure crystalline adaptive. I think that means that my brain and my body are the same thing. Weird. I know, right? Somebody made you? Yeah, she was nuts.

So, you're staying here, huh? I am. Scary, right? No. No, I think it's going to be fine. It'll be fine. Uh-huh. It'll be hard.

It'll be hard, but I think I can come up with a plan. I think I can figure it out. Sure. So, another fun fact about me is that I can read minds. Even mine? Yep. I was hoping I was different. Nope.

So you read my mind. Just a little bit. Just kind of read the book jacket. The book jacket? You're scared out of your mind, shell. I am. I can't tell them that. They won't understand.

I know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I know. It's impossible. I'm just one person. I know that too. One person shouldn't have this responsibility. It's too much if I...

If I fail, it's like my race dies all over again. That's too much for anybody. Right again. I'm not prepared for the responsibility. I'm not prepared for the guilt that'll feel when I fail. Way ahead of you. We're plants, okay? Our lives aren't supposed to be stressful.

You're right. Sorry. I guess I've been holding that in for a while. I guess so. This is too much. This is going to be a disaster. You know what I've noticed? There's this pattern the universe has of giving a lot of work to people with very little power.

A very little work to people who are very powerful. Have you noticed that? No, not really. You're a four-foot tree who has to regrow an entire planet's worth of people, and I am maybe one of the most powerful beings in the universe, and all I had to do was track down somebody's ex-husband. How's that fair? It's not.

There should be a partnership. Don't you think? Between the powerful and the powerless, they should hang out more. What are you talking about? I got all my powers back yesterday. You were less powerful yesterday? When we destroyed the wind chimes, I got them back. I can see time now, how it twists and turns.

I can travel through it if I want, like the diner does. You can see my future? All of them. Yes. Do I want to know what happens? In almost every timeline you fail, shall. You try your hardest in all of them, but in the end it's just too much for one person. Fuck.

Which is why I'm going to stay. You're... What? I'm going to stay here. With you. What? Why? Why would you do that?

Because you need help. This is the only reason? Does there need to be another reason? I don't know. Is there one? Yes. What is it? I think what you're doing is important. I believe in it, so I want to help.

In my limited experience with other beings, there's not a lot of that attitude going around. I know. But there is with me. Forgive my paranoia, but I don't even know you. I'm great. Okay, but also... terrifying. Well, not really, though. You destroyed all those scary metal things. Well, they're the bad guys. You only do that to bad guys. Yes. Who decides who the bad guys are? Shell,

look, you'd be helping me out, okay? How? Because, because I'm immortal and invincible. And I can travel through space into time and I'm very, very strong. And I need that to mean something. I have to give it meaning, and I'd like to do that with you. What does my future look like if you stay? Honestly, fucking great. Okay. So like, how strong are you? Real strong. Like, could you pick up that boulder? Yeah. You want me to pick it up right now? Yeah. Okay. Hang on. Oh my God.

What do you think? Can you throw it? Where? Over there. Okay. Here we go. Made a little rock slide there. An inhabited planet, right? Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Do you think you could move a river?

But I don't see why not? Is this the Highland Games? What the hell is happening over here? Did she throw that whole rock? I did. Hi, everyone. Y'all, Casper is going around seeing if anyone would like cookies. And for some reason, he has decided to approach the two people who do not eat.

Shut up. Effie, Zebulon, I've decided I'm staying here. Really? Yep. Sure, Shell? Yeah. It's a nice place, don't you think? It is lovely. Certainly worse places to make a fresh start.

Isn't that wonderful, Casper? Sure, yeah. You know, mazel toth, welcome to your new civilization. Don't build malls. And, you know, there's never enough post offices. Oh, you know, that is true. That is a good notion, Casper. Shell, are you sure you'll be all right here by yourself? They won't be. I'm staying too.

What? Hang on. And Shell will certainly be safe with someone such as you around. Oh, I do not envy the creature that crosses you too. It's true. Shell, can you take the radio, please? Sure. X, come here.

I'm sorry, can I help you? Yes, by coming here. Do you think Casper's mad I'm taking his friend? Casper will be just fine, Shell. He gets attached. though he wouldn't know. What are you feeling, dear? I feel good, I think.

I wasn't a second ago, but... I don't know, I saw her throw that rock, and I got really excited. She'll be a very useful companion. Certainly more useful than we have been. Geez, I have a whole planet. What am I going to do with it all? Whatever you like, I imagine. I guess I have to name it.

Should I name it something from the Bible? Well, that's a nice sentiment. But perhaps... No, Shell, you shouldn't. No? You are forging your own path, writing your own book in a way. It should be something that comes from within you,

something that looks forward. It's a beautiful gift you've been given. A fresh start. A chance. to do things right without the impediments of evil. And if evil ever comes calling, at least you know you have a strange lady that can hurl large stones at them. Absolutely.

What are you doing? I told you. What? This doesn't feel a little random to you? No, it actually feels quite perfect. What happened to your quest for humanity? I'm done with it. You're just going to toss it aside and start a sentient nursery?

No, I mean, I'm done. I figured it out. You figured it out. Yeah. Humanity. Nailed it. Well, you're the first. Can you share the secret of humanity, please? The secret is this.

This. What I'm doing with Shell? What are you talking about? Look, don't be mad, but I may have gone around in your head one last time. God damn it. Just one last time for... Old time's sake. I'm assuming boundaries aren't the secret.

The velveteen rabbit. It was your favorite. Do you remember that one line? Real isn't how you are made. It's a thing that happens to you. I remember the line. Being human is something that happens to you. And what happens to you is each other.

Eva was telling me about Effie and Zebulon and how she thinks when no one else is around, Effie and Zebulon don't exist. A collapsing waveform, she calls it. The thing is, you're all sort of like that. You come to exist in each other. You're not in there, Casper. Okay, can everyone get their asses back here, please? I've got a whole taco situation, and it's just,

Sitting there. You're in there. So get in there. Everyone? Can I have your attention while we're all enjoying these amazing tacos that Gloria has prepared? Yeah, Gloria. Oh my God. I can never eat space Mexican food again. I'm ruined. That's what I like to hear. Should we try eating? Absolutely not. I've got my feet in a bucket of wine and that is all I need. I'll be needing a recipe for wine before I go, by the way. I've got one for you. everyone.

I just wanted to say a few things. I am Laif. I was born in Northern California to a couple of hippies. I became an engineer. I did some really cool shit. Then I left Earth and I started roaming the galaxies. I bummed around for a while. Learned some things.

Then I started doing some crimes here and there. mainly because I thought it was cool. Then I wound up turning into way more serious of a criminal than I had meant to be. Then I left the life and became a cook. And then suddenly there was a diner. I'm sorry that I subjected you all to the very slow rollout of who I actually was. But like Shell not telling us that they were poisonous. Sorry again.

I just wanted you all to like me. I promise that there are no more revelations about this guy right here. Except for you thinking that Star Wars is problematic. Oh, come on. Listen. Or that your left thumb had to be regrown in Etruscan Medbay. Simultaneously cool and gross. No major revelations, okay?

Lave, we love you. Water under the bridge, okay? Okay. Shell, let me give you that recipe. That was a wonderfully honest speech by leaf, wasn't it, dear? It was lovely. As if it is a time for honesty, a time to bear one soul. To build bridges from one soul to another. I'm literally sitting right in front of the radio,

and you two are talking like I'm nowhere to be found. Oh, he's a sharp one, isn't he? How in the world were we found out? Very funny. Casper, it is time. Step two. I'm eating my tacos right now. I'm enjoying my tacos.

Please allow me this taco type. Casper. Sebulon. God damn it. Don't you fucking dare. Fucking, shut it off. Shut it off. Shut it the fuck off.

Fucking hate yodeling. I have an extensive collection of yodeling, Casper. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Fine. Fuck it. Mind if I sit? Okay. I got your notes from the Ted's when X saved me, but they were on board the Nancy Sinatra.

Oh, well. Hey, the Ted's said that they couldn't read them. They're written in Grota. What is that? It's a dead form of shorthand. Why were they written in that? To keep people from stealing my shit. Looks like it worked.

I see you got back together with your ex. Congratulations. Well, opposites attract. I breathe. She doesn't. I'm sure you'll be very happy together. No, haven't you heard? The Invincible Android and the plant person are going to stay behind and raise kids together. So, take that focus on the family.

I'm sorry. I was a terrible asshole to you, and I'm very, very sorry. I'd like to find some way to... No. No? No. No. No, what?

You don't get to stroll back in here with an apology pin to your shirt like a kindergartner and just make everything okay. Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do other than apologize? I don't know. That's not my problem. I'm having a cigarette. Eva, come on. Fucking stop it. Okay.

Okay, fine. Look, if you want to fire up the way back machine and argue like I never left, that's fine. I don't need anything from you. Well, tough shit. Here I am anyway. That's right. I forgot that everything needs to revolve around your emotional state. Well, that's rich coming from someone who has no emotional states.

I've got all kinds of emotional states. This emotional state is called I don't give a shit. about your emotional state. Oh, right, I forgot. Because everything is just fermions and bosons, right? Nothing matters. All kinds of things matter to me. You're mad because your thing doesn't matter to me.

I'm just trying to apologize. And I don't care. Oh, fuck this. Is this how you treated Gloria and Leif? I recall them being here, too. I'm sorry. Are you referring to when you shoved me off the edge of the parking lot into deep space? Yes, Ava.

That's what I'm referring to. Leaf and Gloria agreed to the plan to give you the old heave-ho. I don't see them getting dragged out here. Go the fuck back inside. Anytime. You can go back to Earth for all I care. I'm not going back to Earth. They have the Internet there.

The rules are different for me. So it took no convincing from you. You didn't argue with them until they got so exhausted that they just gave up? What's that like? Being surrounded by people you've exhausted into submission.

All I had to do was tell Leifie had to build something. Gloria agreed right on the spot. The rules for me are different. Yes, they are. Could I get a list of all the rules that apply only to me, please? Make you a list and shove it right up your ass. You're the one who stranded us in deep space in the first place, but I'm the bad guy.

How are you any different? Because I kept us together. And you shoved me away. It's different for you. And I'm trying to apologize. Fuck your apology. Gloria can cook. Leaf can build things.

Effie and Zebulon can do all sorts of shit, and I'm a fucking genius. Then there's you. You do not, for one second, give any thanks for being surrounded by the only people in the cosmos who can tolerate your bullshit. All of us, in one way or another, are grateful to be here. We think it's amazing. Then there's you. Why are you like this? You know what?

Never mind. I don't care. Did anyone named David stop by? What? Did anyone named David stop by? David? No, what... What are you talking about?

Who's David? My son. It was stupid. I should have told you. What the fuck? I'm going to go ahead and set aside the usual bullshit between us, and I'm going to go ahead and say that you care about me. And even though you care about me, I'm also going to say that I bet you, can imagine me as a pretty terrible father. Because I was. It was just angry all the time. So was he.

It was allowed to be, though. I kept telling myself I was going to start tomorrow. I was going to be a good father tomorrow. I was going to start tomorrow. Today I'll just be pissed off about everything. I'll be a good father tomorrow. And then he was gone. Left a note for his mom. He couldn't take it anymore. I was furious. When you don't hit your kid or set them on fire or whatever, it's really easy to convince yourself that you're a great parent. Turns out there's a universe of ways that you can be bad at it. Really terrible at it.

I picked up my keys and I walked out the door and started looking for him. And I just never came back. I lost my job. I lost my marriage. Signed divorce papers in a Super 8 motel in Nevada. And I just looking because I was going to start tomorrow.

My car broke down in a part of California. California that they don't make postcards about, and there it was. What inside to use the phone? Once I wrapped my mind around what this place was, I formed this plan that if he needs help, eventually the diner would show up, and I'd be able to give him a cup of coffee and tell him that I'm sorry. Why didn't you say anything? Because it was a stupid plan.

I convinced myself that I needed to find him so that I could make sure. sure he was okay, but that's not true. I was trying to make it never have happened in the first place because I was going to start tomorrow. It's easy to stick to a stupid plan when there's no one else around. And there was no one else around for a very, very long time. And then Leif showed up, then you, then Gloria showed up and knocked the radio over. It was getting harder and harder to stick to my plan. and my plan, as ridiculous as it was, was all I had. But then I pushed you off the edge of the parking lot, and I realized that wasn't true.

That wasn't all that I had. I didn't mean to surround myself with people I care about. I meant to do the opposite. I meant to punish myself. But the cosmos, which seems to me to be nothing more than a giant engine of punishment, this one time said, no. This one, we... We give him friends, and I think that's probably fucked me up more than anything.

Casper, he's almost certainly never going to walk through the door. I know. That's what makes it so stupid. What's more, even if he did show up, which timeline is he from? Is it the timeline where I did everything right? It's the timeline where I never existed at all. He's better off in both of those. You know, none of us really want to admit it, but...

But the only home that any of us have anymore is each other, or the home we choose for ourselves. I'm choosing now. I thought I'd killed you. When I found out I hadn't, I crawled across three galaxies to get here. I already have one apology I'm never going to be able to make. I can't let there be two. I'm so sorry. Y'all, it's about time for our passengers to get off.

Is it safe? We're okay. Okay. Come on out, everyone. I'm keeping the wine bucket. I'm taking extra tacos. You guys sure you have everything you need? I've got a laser saw.

I am a laser saw. Okay, you three get right past the pavement there. Just give me a minute, okay? I'll be right back. Ted! What the fuck am I doing here? Well, Ted, it's a funny story. I'm sure it's not.

There was a bit of an explosion there, Ted. I'm sure you saw. It obliterated my shit. And it looks like you wound up back in your old friend, the escape pod. I did? Perfectly bookending our time together. Then how did I end up here?

Well, your escape pod, in a stinging irony, landed in our parking lot. That's impossible. That's what I said, Ted. That's impossible. I mean, space, as I'm sure you've noticed, it's huge. And out of all that nothing out there, your escape pod chose the one place where there was something. Dizzying eyes.

Any chance of you just putting me back. in the escape pod and letting me go? No, we can't do that. Leif has already scrapped it for parts. He's very excited. We're looking less and less like a diner every day. Scrapyard by the dumpster workshop on the roof. Glory is making Mexican food.

Next thing you know, Ava's going to have a chalkboard. Nothing for you? I'm hoping for a pinball machine. Fingers crossed. What's going to happen to me then? Well, for a while, the debate was raging. There are some people out there that, wow. Really hate you, Ted.

There's a woman out there named Bert Bert. Basically wants to turn you into a loose meat sandwich. Oh. Fuck. A lot of animosity coming from a four-foot plant. That's probably never hated anything in their life, Ted. Well, can we just get it over with, please? I talked them all down.

No public execution. Why? I think you're a piece of shit, Ted, and you come from a garbage empire. But... You interrogated me for hours. threatened me, tried to reason with me. And in all that time, you never used my son against me. Didn't offer to find him, didn't threaten him.

Why is that, Ted? I deleted it from your record. Why? Reproductive permits are only given to a few people on my planet. I always thought I would have made a good father. I just, I couldn't do it. Damn, and that just drives me crazy, Ted. I just want you to twirl your mustache and be evil and then lose.

But you did this one thing. So now, now I have to turn your punishment over to a higher power. Hang on. Effie, Zebulon, meet Ted. We felt that Effie and Zebulon would be the most impartial judges for your sentencing. A wise choice, Casper. A punishment. Of wonderful.

All sorts of punishment. And some of them are excited. Judge of us all. Even though he is more than welcome to delegate to his most devoted should he see fit. You have served Cravenly, Theodore. You have served an empire of evil and avarice. And we feel that your punishment should be to wander. Wonder?

At our next stop, you get off. I don't know where it's going to be. I don't know when it's going to be, but you're getting off. It's not going to be any Ted Empire. There's not going to be any Ted knots or chemical ice. It's just going to be you in the cosmos. It's going to be rough, like it is for all of us. Good luck, Ted.

You know, my name's not Ted. Well, your name can now be whatever you wanted to be, so choose wisely. That was fun. Not nearly as fun as I wanted it to be. If you have a mean streak in you that is not faded for 173 years, I admire that. Thank you, Casper. Okay, let's launch this firecracker.

Just I've come a long way since that kid you met on Sirius A, huh? No, actually, I finally feel like I'm looking at him again. Don't fuck it up, Leif. I'll try. Casper, I know the separation, anxiety is going to be tough for you, but try not to miss me too much. I think I'll be okay. And just remember, no matter where you go in time and space, I can always find you. disturbing. Everyone, before we go, I just want to leave you with a thought.

Thousands of your years from now, a race of creatures that look like trees will tell the story of their founder. Their name was Shell, and they escaped certain doom on their planet by hitching a ride on a strange comet called Midnight Burger. There they met Gloria, the Empire Slayer, Leaf, the builder, Ava, who, who communed with mysterious beings, a wooden box that spoke of an old god, and some guy named Casper. They carried them across the stars to a place they now call home. And they will be remembered forever.

Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, Shell. We'll remember you forever, too. And we're off. Damn. No offense, Leif, But the triad sucks. Where do you think we're headed now?

Well, as long as it's not Newark Airport during a holiday, I think it'll be fine. Why is everybody looking at me? Eva. Hang on. Okay, huge fans of Newark Airport. Didn't realize. No offense, guys, but it's basically like a bus station except the buses are flying. What is the problem?

I'm unsure, Casper, but perhaps the remedy is not you talking. Okay. Fine. Everybody inside. I feel like the party vibe is gone. Where's the party vibe? Sit here. Okay.

What's going on? Is that Vladimir's tape recorder? Stop talking. When you shoved me into deep space, I made contact with an entity. It's a friend, I think. Then, later on, right before we got sent into battle with the Ted's, it tried to make contact again. I need you to say, exactly what you just said outside.

Why? Just do it. Fine. As long as it's not Newark Airport during a holiday, I think I'll be fine. Why did the tape recorder just respond to me? It's a fourth dimensional being. It doesn't move through time like we do, so it's hard to communicate. It doesn't understand time.

It reached out to us, but I didn't understand what it was saying. I think that's because... Because it wasn't talking to me then, it was actually talking to you right now. Luckily, we recorded it. Okay. I have several questions, but I feel like I should just jump into this conversation with the tape recorder. Good boy. Who are you?

What's your name? Okay, do we want to crowdsource the name of the transdimensional being right now? Chuck. What? Does it matter? Chuck. Just go with Chuck. Fine. I guess we'll go with Chuck. Chuck, uh, what are we doing here?

Why are you contacting us? I see myself. Yeah. You're right. So you can just make people. I guess that's technically true. Why are you contacting us, Chuck? I see him.

Why do we need each other? Well, that's beautiful, Chuck, but I get the sense that something else is going on. That's where it ended for us. Okay. Well, that wasn't much, was it? That's not where it ended for you. Ask another question. What's wrong, Chuck?

Oh, no, and it is all connected. Chuck is so high right now, guys. It's talking about a speech I made in Bruges, about gravity waves. What's a gravity wave? If something big happens in the universe, it sends out a wave of gravity. I proved that a gravity wave, if it's big enough, can permanently damage the fabric of space time. Maybe that's what it's talking about? Ask it. Ask it what we do next.

What are we supposed to do with all that information, Chuck? Oh, boy. Y'all, how do we feel about a transdimensional being conducting an experiment on us? Put me in the no, column. Ambiguous at best? It's not an experiment on us. It's an experiment with us. I think I'd like some clarification on that from the tape recorder person. Go ahead. What kind of experiment? Chasing something. What are we chasing? Help me out here.

It's chaos theory. Right. A strange attractor is a point in a chaotic system that everything seems to magically coalesce around. It's saying that the diner is magically coalescing around something? Why can't it be buried treasure? Can it just be we have a treasure map and we're looking for buried treasure? Agreed, Gloria. It kind of is. I think what it's saying is that the diner is searching for something. It's kind of on a treasure hunt. If the treasure was a mysterious and unknowable cause. anomaly.

Life, we don't know that it's any of those things. Well, it's not looking for its car keys. I'm going back to Chuck. Chuck, what kind of experiment? Must me. Translation, please. There's something really big out there, and we need to get its attention. I don't want to get the attention of a big thing.

I don't want to get the attention of a small thing. Zero things would be my choice. Zero thing sounds ideal. Chuck, why do we need to find this thing? I want to talk to it. Go for it. Cracks? Cracks? Things you can't explain? Is there something...

Something broken? ...tinted roads too far. She stands in your diner. Do you see a thing done right or a thing done wrong? Are you not? Every day. Living a tragedy. Boy, Chuck is terrible at parties. I did feel that way once. It's different now. Precisely.

Changeable changed. There is a trail of the... These moments behind you, will you chase another? Something that needs to be changed. A book before of how I feel we had been drawn together for a purpose. I believe we've all felt the wind blowing us in this direction for some time. What direction is that exactly? What exactly are we talking about here?

We're talking about Chuck's plan. Chuck doesn't have a plan. You said it yourself. There's something big out there. We need to find it. How? Let's ask Chuck. Chuck?

What's the plan? Chuck? Of course. That's it? What are we supposed to do? That's hilarious. Chuck takes us all this way and then vaporizes? Now that he's gone, are we sure about the name Chuck?

I feel like we just slipped on an unknowable banana peel into a ball pit of ambiguities. You're forgetting how fun ballpits are. What is a ball pit exactly? It's like it sounds. It's a pit full of fun, multicolored, Oh, that does sound fun. Ava, what are you writing? After a while, not long, you will no longer exist.

And the woods and rocks and sky will continue unchanged for thousands of years after you. What is it that has called you so suddenly out of nothingness to enjoy? enjoy for a brief while, a spectacle which remains quite indifferent to you. What is that? Something I say to myself before I start a new project. Listen, we're doing Chuck's plan. I don't know what it is, but that just means that the first step of the plan is to figure out the plan.

I just learn more in the past few minutes than I have in my entire life. I am not stopping here. We're doing Chuck's plan. We are being called toward the mysteries. I believe we are on a path in a way we never have been before. We have been disparate, desperate, had our vision clouded by many distractions. But I feel our purpose sharpened now. I feel we are on our way. As do I. And for our thoughts to be well in line with Avis is either a sign of the end times or proof of God's calling. Okay.

Okay, I'm in. I'm sorry. I guess it's the engineer in me, but I need something more than three to one team. Leif, the gravity wave detector I asked you to build. Is it done? Yeah. Okay. I want to be able to be able to.

able to do a sky scan. The way the plank does? Okay. Okay. I'm going to need a few more parts, but I can make that happen. Okay. So you're in. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am. You know what? Let me go look at the scrap. I need to do some inventory. Good. What else do you need, Eva? I have a glass of wine, a pencil, and a notebook.

That's all I need right now. It starts like that? That's how everything's... starts. Okay. I'm going to clean up the kitchen. Let me know when the mysteries of the universe have been unraveled. I will. How about some music, Zeb? Wonderful idea. What are you doing? Making notes. Are you writing in grotta? No, I'm writing in math. What was that thing you were saying? It's Trottinger. Is that the cat guy? Yes, Casper. He's one of the most. brilliant physicists in history, but let's call him the cat guy.

I'm just saying if you want to be known for your physics, don't put a cat in one of your things, because then you'll just be the cat guy. You are the only one who has not agreed to the plant. Did it not? No. We can do whatever you want. May not like this new agreeable version of you. It'll fay.

Good. I'm trying to wrap my head around this. You climb aboard this diner. You see these amazing things, go to a amazing thing. go to amazing places, but in doing so, you have to leave your entire life behind, perhaps never to see it again. A lot of people wouldn't do that. It would be too much to bear. Why do you? Because I was born in St. Louis. I don't understand.

Against my will. I was born in St. Louis. Against my will, I was born to my mother. I did not choose the atoms of my body. I did not choose. the neurons in my brain. I did not choose the year I was born. I did not choose the world I was born in two. In this life, there is such a narrow valley of things that are my own choosing, and it makes me furious. It means the things I can choose are the most important things.

So I choose this. In an act of rebellion against an existence that chooses so much for me against my will, I choose to pull up the skirt of the cosmos and give everybody a free show. We will know the secrets of existence. We will know the code of the cosmos. People will look up into the stars and will feel wonder without. Fear. We will know the nature of all things, and we will be at peace. And on that day, and that day alone, I will finally have had my revenge.

And now the gal across the hall Season two of Midnight Burger Has been brought to you in part by the amazing The Talented, the Lovely, Monte Cristo and Above Suborders Let's hear it for him. Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, The Art Sherpa, Lucrezia, Tamara Oliver,

disco funk slinger, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Mel Momberg, Nicole Colangelo, Rogue, Sir Cat Dad, Justine Burbank, Pici Zatouichi, Egy Steve, Alice Malice, Todd Van Voris, Thomas Stolen, Michael Christian, Tavrock Stormbringer, magnificent hog beast, Brockowini, Theo Alex Dean, Gen C, Leah B, O'Ebb, O'Neck's Rose, Chirlington Beas Coat, Whitney Bliss, Marissa, Erin Mitchell, Raven the Neco Queen, Kelly Jane Dankey, Melvis Gray Mystery, O'M Vega, Codex Typo, Ang, Velasquez, Ruth McCormick, stuck in Derp, Lahoma. It's just Blake! Dancing Dog Dreams, J.R. The Hiker Bear, Menloor, Tracy, Calibri, Hippo, Malaran, Brun Mai Salil, Kara, late indeed again, Ian Hertzler, Mother of Thor, Special K, Ryan Abbey, Sarah Bergenholz,

Zachianat, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Levi, Dalek Steve, Darcy D and Existentially Exhausted Bean. Folks, I cannot thank you enough for this season. It has been amazing. There's going to be a lot to say about what's coming in season three, but the broad strokes are this. For subscribers, we're back in November, for the whole wide damn world in December.

We'll see you then, and we can't wait. Bring it home, Michael Wains. Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month from More adventures in the vastness. And if time and tide roiled you too harshly or direnal courses leave you with no safe havens. Just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for you. We open it sick.

Get a right dead lady with the right end round and go back home and swing. Everybody swing. The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. Welcome to Magenta Presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Magenta. We begin with the five-part miniseries Ghosted, starring Beth Eyre and Lucy Roslyn. Perched on a rain-battered cliff edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky boutique hotel. Owner and soul-occupant Beth has spent months renovating, absorbing its essence into her bones.

It's an old building. You'll get used to it. But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget. Kira? Beth? What the fuck? Face to face for the first time in years. The pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances. Beth, speak to me.

Shut up, shut up, shut up. And something else. Oh, I can't bear it. What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past, too. Beth. He's right there. Why is there blood on your hands?

We need to get out of here. Kira! Kira! I can still see it. Subscribe to Magenta Presents, wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon, fans of the esoteric. Bye! Magenta Presents.