Midnight Burger - Chapter 21: Chaos!

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

Welcome to the Horizon Motel. We apologize for the unconscious lady in the parking lot.Cast:Gloria - Siouxsie SuarezCaspar - Joe FisherAva - Finlay StevensonZebulon Mucklewain - Neal StarbirdEffie Mucklewain - Julie Cowden-StarbirdLeif - Tom MoormanGuest Starring:Benjamin Burdick as FrankMelody Bridges as JuneLauren LeBlanc as ClementineIan Ferguson as Abraham LincolnIan Ferguson as John Wilkes BoothKeith Cable as John HayWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonMusic:In the Sweet By and By - Ernestine Schulman-HeinkWill There Be Any Stars in my Crown? - The Hayden QuartetteGod So Loved the World - Trinity QuartetteCouldn't Hear Nobody Pray - The Southern FourWho is the meanest Gal in Town? Josephine.Essie Whitman - Sweet Daddy it's You That I LoveRead and search Scripts with PodScripts: https://podscripts.app/For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Subscribe on Supporting Cast: https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fmHow about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Previously on Midnight Burger. ...of chaos, so that it becomes drawn to places. Start the shift. Horizon Motel? Yes. No, we don't have a website. Uh-huh. Yes, I understand.

Well, ma'am, you can actually make a reservation with me right now on the phone. It's been done. Uh-huh. Sure, you can call back. We need to get a website. You don't want to do that. Of course I do. If you get a website, then more people will come here,

and that's more work for me. Don't do that to me. You had to clean one room today. But what a room it was! Those people were a mess. Dude, what was their deal? I think they were skiers. It's not ski season.

Getting an early start. They were doing something strange with the trash cans. I don't want to know what. We're going to need more than one guest per night to stay above water. Yes, but what about my needs? Like my need to get paid for doing very little. Can you at least pretend I'm your boss? No.

Hey, you know what I heard at the bar last night? I heard this place was in a meth corridor. What is a meth corridor? It's, you know, the corridor through which meth moves. What are you talking about? People steal cars, and then they use the stolen cars to move meth around the state. They don't want to get pulled over, so they stick to the back roads. Boom.

Meth corridor. And we're in the meth corridor? Yes. And who did you hear this from? Edgy Steve. Edgy Steve. Yeah. You know someone named edgy, Steve?

I mean, I don't know. him, know him, but I see him sometimes. He's around. And how does edgy, Steve, know about the meth corridor? He's a meth dealer. Great. Let me ask you this. A lot of people checking in driving Saturn's? Saturn's? Uh, sometimes, my guess. Most stolen car in America. Saturns are. You can start them, just by shoving a flathead screwdriver in the ignition. But then who would want to steal a Saturn? People doing illegal things, like... Transporting meth through the meth corridor?

Right. How often do people check in driving a Saturn? Often. Hmm. They pay in cash? Yes. Huh. We're in a meth corridor.

Yep. Jesus Christ. Hey, their money's green. Their money is drug money. Don't worry about it. The Hilton family started out as brothel owners. You should own it too. You don't want their business to go into the Red Roof Inn or whatever.

That's your drug money. How did my dad not tell me about this? He probably didn't even know. He probably stood behind the counter and was like, oh, well, another fine gentleman staying at our establishment, with hives and a face tattoo. What are the odds? Someone's going to get shot here over a drug deal gone wrong or something.

No, dude, you're not the destination for the drugs. You're in the corridor for the drugs. It's harmless. Harmless. Yeah. Buy a gun, though, for real. Phone's ringing. I don't want to pick up the phone.

What if it's Tuko Salamanca? The meth people don't make reservations. She meth. Ha! Excuse me, Horizon Motel. How can I help you? Hello again, ma'am. Yes, I know.

We should have a website. Okay. Two nights on the fifth? Okay, we'll see you then. Oh, two nights in a row. I'm not doing turndown service. You don't know what turndown service is. Don't make me learn.

Oh, damn. Did you not pay the electric bill? I did. Barely. Probably just the wind or something. Or the secret military base down the road? There's not a secret military base down the road. How would you know? It's a sea. Okay.

Hey, what are you doing tonight? It's funny how you ask me that. Like, there's a series of balls that I've been invited. You're going to the bar. I am. Are you coming? I am going to sit here for a while and try to convince myself that someone's going to show up. And then when I give up on that dream, I'll see you there. Okay.

But if edgy Steve's there, no shop talk about the drug trade, you big criminal. Don't bring your work home. Please leave. I love you. I love you. Would you forget? Hi. June.

For our fun jokes about you. You being in the drug trade. Like it was yesterday. That was fun, right? I had a great time. That was some fun humor to try to get you to not freak out about things like you usually do. June. So keep that in mind when I tell you that there's a woman passed out in the parking lot.

What? Yeah. Who is that? No idea. We don't have any guess. She's alive. I can see her breathing. Ma'am?

Ma'am. Ma'am? Can you hear me? Ma'am. Are you wasted? What are you doing? I don't know. I'm calling an ambulance. You didn't see a woman passed out in the parking lot?

No! I walked out and she was there. What the fuck? Ma'am! It feels weird to call her ma'am. Yeah, we need... an ambulance. Yeah, this is the Horizon Motel up on 211. Yeah, there's a woman passed out in our parking lot. I don't know. No, no, she is not a guest. She was just there all of a sudden. No, she's breathing. She's not waking up, though. Hey, lady. No, that feels mean. Okay. Yeah, at this number.

Okay. Hey, girlfriend. What are you doing? I don't know. Oh shit. Fuck. Ma'am, are you okay? We called an ambulance, okay?

Ma'am? Is that the sky? The court to room 15. This is my third time calling. Sorry, if I screwed up your evening. No, this is fun. If you go to the bar every night, you're run out of stories to tell, you know? Sure.

What do you think she was on? On? She was on something, right? I don't know. Is that the sky? That's not what sober people say. I don't know. Is it mushroom season?

When's mushroom season? She's probably on mushrooms. How did she get in our parking lot? I mean, there were no cars going by, right? I don't think so. Excuse me, nurse, when's mushroom season? The only thing in front of us is the 2-11. Behind us is the woods.

She either came from the woods or the highway. Dr. Nate, please report to room 15. This is my third time call. I'm going with mushrooms. Her and her friends were off in the woods doing mushrooms, and she wandered off. Yeah. Yeah. You're probably right.

Did she say anything else in the ambulance? No. That's not safe. hallucinating in the woods. How can that be a good trip? Where else are they supposed to go? This is a business opportunity. Hey, kids, sick of the woods coming to life and trying to eat you while you're tripping your nuts off. Come to the Horizon Motel.

I just learned that I'm running a meth lodge. You want to add the mushroom people to that? I mean, you can't be more of a drug hot spot. You either are or you aren't. Might as well own it. You have had zero business ideas since I took this place over, but suddenly there's illegal narcotics involved, and you have had two in one night. I go where the money is. You live in central Oregon. That's not where the money is. I was born here. I'm not going to go live somewhere else. That's exhausting. Was she wearing a jumpsuit? Yeah.

Like a jiffy-lube type thing, right? Yeah. What's that about? No idea. Was there a name tag or anything? No. They couldn't find any ID on her. Dr. Nate, please report to room 15.

This is my third time calling. That is the third time Dr. Nate has gotten his third call. Someone needs to crack the whip on that guy. I feel weird. Me too. I mean, this is really weird, right? Yeah, confirmed. It's fun, though.

Is it? Yeah. We got a little mystery dropped in our lap. It's fun. You know, people come through town from California or whatever, and they're on a road trip, look for some kind of Twin Peaks vibe. Yeah. Because if you're not from here, you think that's what it's like, right?

You think that there's a well-meaning sheriff and a mystery in the woods. They do. When actually it's just... It's kind of sad. And the sheriff is a fucking asshole and everyone needs a shower. Everyone's dog is mean. Everyone's dog is mean. Anyway, that's what it's really like, but now look at us.

A mysterious woman has emerged from the woods. Favorite Twin Peaks character, go. Uh, Ed. You're totally an Ed person. Guess mine. Um, uh, Dr. Jacoby. No way. Audrey Horn.

Really? We're both sex pots. I see. We are pots of sex. Gross. I'm going to go check on her. I am allowed to do that, right? Honestly, I don't think anyone's paying attention to us.

I think you can do whatever you want. Yep. I'll be right back. Dr. Nate, please report to room 15. This is my third time calling. Okay, Dr. Nate. Let's get it together. Doctor, she's calling you.

you for the third time for the fourth time. What if someone's dying? She's gone. What? She's gone. There's nobody in there. Did they move her? They had her on some fluids. The IV is just lying on the ground. Shit, did she escape? I didn't see her leave, did you? No. What the fuck is happening? Dr. Nate, please report to room 15. This is my third time. Horizon Motel. Yeah, okay. No, I'm sorry. We're all booked up that day. That whole week, actually. Do you want me to put you on the wait list in case someone cancels? Okay. Okay. Got it. I'll give you a call in case anyone cancels. Thanks. The joint. She is jumping. Come in here. I've never seen this many cars in the parking lot.

Do you recall a conversation we had a few months ago? You said I should open up the motel to people who want. to safely trip on mushrooms? Sorry, I don't recall that conversation. We were at the hospital. We dropped off a woman. She disappeared. Yeah, it's not ringing a bell. Okay, we've been book solid for two weeks.

It's great, right? There are definitely several people here tonight who are high on mushrooms. No, really? What have you done? Me? Yes, you. Frank, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

June. I may have put the word out there. What word did you put out there? Nothing. Just that, you know, the Horizon Motel was a safe space. And you told people to come get high here? That it was a safe space. A safe space for what?

For getting high. God damn it. You were going out of business for. Frank? The sheriff's department is going to start raiding us. Then no one will want to come here and then we'll go out of business. Do you want to go out of business quietly or do it in a blaze of glory? Neither.

Neither. I wanted neither of those things. I wanted a third thing. There's no third thing. How do you know? Frank, it's going to be fine. It's going to be great. They're going to write songs about this place.

This isn't the child. Chelsea Hotel. Not with that attitude. Come outside. I don't want to go outside. It smells weird. Come outside. It's like Burning Man with trees out there.

Come on. Summer's almost over. Soon it'll be rainy and shitty. Come outside. Fine. Come on. Isn't this great? What is that smell?

Don't ask about the smell. It's something on fire. Nothing that isn't supposed to be. Okay. Okay, fine. What now? Frankie, this is your intervention. Oh, it is? Yes. Well, I am definitely not the one in the vicinity that needs an intervention.

Room 9, maybe? You've been different since the funeral. Yeah, it was my dad's funeral. I know. It was tough for all of us, but I read something. You read something? I read. It was about grief. It was about losing a loved one.

June. And it said that sometimes when a person loses a loved one, they can as a way of coping, take on the personality traits of the person they've lost. Uncle Pete was a pretty buttoned up guy. Like, literally, he's the only guy I knew who used the top button of a shirt. Okay. And you've been a little, you know, top button. of your shirt these days. And so I wanted to drag you out here and say, hey, stop it.

Is this why you've turned my hotel into a drug den? A little. Look, I'm not expecting you to rip your shirt off and run through the woods or anything. I'm just saying I would like my cousin Frank to remain my cousin Frank is all. Okay. Okay. I will remain cousin Frank. Thank you. Hi. Holy shit. Is that who I think it is? It is.

Well, shit. Hey there. Do you remember me? Well, last time we saw you, you were unconscious in our parking lot. Kind of sticks in your memory. I guess so. Are you okay? Yeah.

I'm really sorry. about all that. It broke up the monotony. You disappeared from the hospital. Yeah. Sorry about that. It just kind of happened. It happens to me all the time.

Whoops, I disappeared from the hospital. I guess we were confused more than anything. I mean, me too. I'm Frank. This is my cousin, June. Hi. So, what?

happened to you? Um, I brought this six pack of beer here. I heard that's a thing people do. Is that a thing people do? Sure. Sure. Can I give you one? So, what's your name? Clementine. Okay. Interesting. Is that a good name? Is it good? I, I picked it myself. Oh, really? She picked it herself. She's like a nun or shit. What made you pick that name? I like oranges. Satsuma was taken. What? So you're, you're okay then. We found you in our parking lot. We took you to the hospital. Now you're back. But you're fine. My name's Clementine because I had to pick a name. I did. I do. I didn't have one. One I could remember.

Wait. Oh, fuck. Did you have amnesia? That's what it's called. Yes. When you found me here, I had no idea who I was or where I was. I still don't. Okay. She has amnesia. She does. She has amnesia. I'm sorry. We were making fun of you a little bit just now because we thought that you were just kind of a kook, but it turns out you've got some damage to your brain. Shit. It's okay. Did any of it come back? Not really. Small bits and pieces.

Amnesia is a real thing then. I thought it was just a thing in the movies. It's definitely a thing. Wow, that's wild. I'm so sorry. What do you remember? Weird stuff. Like what? Like, I know a lot about beats.

Beats? Yeah. What a random thing. to remember. I know, right? It's been months. Have you just been wandering around trying to remember things? Essentially. Just around town? No, I've been traveling. I'm a, um, good at traveling, apparently. Okay. How long has it been since you found me? Um, six months? Yeah, about that. That's it. I think so. It's felt like a lot longer.

There's a lot more people here now. How'd you get out of the hospital? We were sitting right outside your road. I don't know. I don't know how it all actually works. How what works? Just... It was weird.

I don't remember much. I remember this place, though. I've been wandering around trying to figure things out, and I thought maybe I should come back here. So how can we help? I don't know. Does anything stand out from when I was here? Stand out.

Pretty much the whole thing stands out. Yeah, it, it, it, it, was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to us. Yeah. The jumpsuit. Right. You were wearing a jumpsuit, like a cover-all thing, like you were a mechanic. Really?

Yeah. When you disappeared from the hospital, the police showed up and they took it, I think. You could probably get it from the station. They probably have it in a box somewhere. I am just now realizing that because you left your clothes behind, you escaped the hospital with your ass hanging out. Power move. Oh, oh. You said something when you first woke up.

I did. Yeah. Is that the sky? Is that the sky? It was weird. It was... I know this sounds ridiculous, but you had this look on your face like you'd never seen it before. The sky?

Yeah. Who's never seen the sky before? I don't know. Angler fish. What? It's a deep sea fish, you know, angler fish, Pacific, viper fish, never seen the sky. What? Are you a deep sea fish?

I hope not. Oh, okay. Great. Well, we eliminated that one. See, I'm helping. Is that the sky? Look, I'm sure it's not like putting a hammer to a nail. I'm sure it'll all come back to you soon.

I don't know. You know that feeling when something's right on the tip of your tongue? It feels like that? No, it doesn't. That's the thing. It feels like it's gone. Well, in my experience, things feel a certain way, and then they, and then, and then they don't. That was beautiful.

Thank you. I know you think I'm not helping, but I am totally helping. Look, don't worry about it. I didn't think coming here would change much. I just thought I'd give it a shot. Fuck, that's the phone. I'll be right back. Just let it ring.

Can't let it ring. June, it's probably federal agents. I'll be right back. So you two are related? Yeah, we're cousins. But my dad worked on a fishing boat and my mom worked late, so I was over at their house a lot. That's nice. Yeah. Being a sister cousin is great because I can constantly shift between big sister and little sister vibes. One minute, I can be like, what do I do, big brother? And the next minute I can be like, shut up, do what I say. Okay. Do you have any siblings? Um...

Shit. I can't believe I just said that. I'm so sorry. That's okay. Maybe I do. What does it feel like to have siblings? Does it feel like there's someone out there and they can truly understand what your childhood was like? No, I definitely don't feel that way.

Who knows? Maybe they're out there somewhere. That would be nice. What kind of beer is this? I've never seen it before. Voyager. I just like the name. I got it in a place called Tokyo. A place called Tokyo.

Yeah. In Japan. I don't know. You don't know. Wait, you were in Tokyo? Yes. Which is several thousand miles away in Japan. Oh.

But you didn't know that. I should go. Hang on I should go You probably have stuff to do It's really busy Wait a minute though I brought you something else

I just I feel so bad about All the trouble I caused you Here What Is this? I don't know I don't know what it is

It's just just look pretty So I thought It looked like a gift So I would give it to you too I'm going to go Wait a minute Thank you Thank you for finding me

Is it okay if I come back Sometimes of course But listen Okay I need to go I've got Um, I've got a lot to learn. Where did you get this? Clementine!

What? In holy God! Hey, where'd she go? June? She left. Where did she go? She just started walking down the road. Just all of a sudden.

Frank, something weird is going on. Thanks for that. Well, yeah. She left. us a gift, Frank. What? Here. Uh-huh.

This. Uh-huh. This looks like a bar of gold. It's a gold bar. She gave us a gold bar. Is it real? Well, let me get out my testing kit. What the fuck?

What the fuck indeed, my friend. Who is this person? Rupple. Diltzkin, maybe? What does that writing say? The Perth mint. Perth? Yeah. In Australia.

I guess. Sure! You know that point where you just get so many weird things have happened that you just start shrugging your shoulders? I have arrived at that point. How much is this worth? Fuck, I don't know. We don't even know if it's real. What is happening?

Also, she got the beer in Tokyo. which she did not realize was thousands of miles across the ocean just to put a cherry on top of the weird Sunday. Which way did she go? She was walking toward the highway. Come on, come on, this is insane. I was going to stop her, but a few pounds of gold in my hand, turns out, puts me in a bit of a state. Annesiac's in the parking lot.

My hotel is a drug hovel, now strangers bearing gold. What's next? I don't know. Can I hold it again while we're walking? it is a good feeling. Here. Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

Amazing. Do not get attached to it. It might be stolen. Do you want to come home with Mommy, Gold Baby? June. Do you see her? I don't. Well, where the fuck did she go?

Maybe she hits your ride. In 60 seconds. I don't know. What is happening? I don't know. Give us a beer from Japan and a gold bar. From Australia. It's like we're trapped in a mad lamp.

Well, what now? Hey. Hey. What do you think? Do you think winter's here? I feel like the snow is a clear indicator that winter is here. Yes. Aren't we usually full of skiers right now?

Well, there's a jackknife truck a few miles back. People have been stuck for hours. Really excited about how grumpy they're going to be when they check in. It's going to be great. We've never skied. Isn't that weird? Most of our lives in the shadow of the misty mountain, and we've never skied. The way I see it, life itself is already a too fast careening down a mountain without any breaks.

Why do it twice? Easy there, Cormac McCarthy. What are you looking at? There. What? That same car keeps driving by. It does? Are you sure? Yeah. Yeah. Yellow Chevy Chevelle.

How many times? Four times today. Huh. You didn't dump someone, did you? Are you being stalked? I don't feel stocked. What's the big deal? Nothing. Nothing. It's fine. Are all the faucets running a little bit?

Yes. I still think that's weird, but all the faucets are running just a little. It keeps them from freezing up. How? If water wants to freeze, it's going to freeze. The pipes have water in them even if they're not being used. If you keep it moving, they can't freeze up. That might be the most I've been an old man since I was 12 thing you've ever said. Doesn't make it not true.

Okay. I am finally ready to talk about the gold bar. No. Yes. Finally. I realize it's been a while. A while since the weirdest thing that's ever happened to us? Yes, it has.

It scared the shit out of me. Everything scares the shit out of you. No, it doesn't. Sorry, well, most things... Did it ever occur to you that the reason I have to freak out about things like, I don't know, a random huge bar of gold being dropped in our lap is because you don't freak out about it enough. No, but also my brain isn't made of bees like yours is. What?

Buzz, buzz, buzz all the time. Whatever. Look, I've gone back and forth about it. I think we need to call the police and just tell them everything. Really? Yes. four months, we've been sitting here with a giant gold bar in our safe, and all you've come up with is the most boring option. It was the first thing I thought to do, and then I eventually came back around to it. Look, we just tell the sheriff's department that we didn't know what to do, so we hung on to it in case she came back for it.

She's now obviously not coming back for it, so we decided to call the police. I'm just... I'm so disappointed in you after all this time. But what if it belongs to someone and they're looking for it? What? Are you worried? There's some impoverished family somewhere that's starving because they can't find their bar of gold? I don't know.

I don't know. June, do you know what the price of gold per ounce is? I looked it up. What is it? It's like $1,500 an ounce. Wow. The bar is the size of a sleeve of saltines. Do you know how many ounces that is? Sounds like a lot. It is a lot. What do you want me to do? Put it in the bank?

Of course not. What's your idea, then? Melt it down. Melt it down. How? Find a blacksmith? Yes. There are no more blacksmiths.

I know a guy. Oh, God. We used to date. He's super hot, but he wanted me to raise chickens or something, and he's a weird guy. How did you wind up dating a blacksmith? Frankie, it's central Oregon. Do you know how many people there are in those woods practicing professions that have been obsolete for 100 years? It's the making soap from Beef tallow capital of the world around here.

So who the hell is this? You know him. No. T.S? Yep. Yep. T.S. is a blacksmith. Think about it for a second. It all makes sense.

It does not. T.S. is a terrible name for a blacksmith. That's because you don't know what the T.S stands for. Do you want to, do you want to know what it stands for? Nope. Tarvok Stormbringer. What? He had it legally changed.

It's on his driver's license. Why? I don't know. It's from a book or something. He went through all the trouble to change his name and then calls himself T.S. It's even funnier that he kept his last name. So his legal name is Tarvac Stormbringer Leclerc. Oh, my God.

Yeah, sure. No, great idea. Let's trust our thousands of dollars of gold to the guy who writes a griffin to work in the morning. It's more on brand than you think. I mean, what do I do with all my gold is kind of a fantasy novel problem. What kind of world are we living in

where having a bunch of gold is a problem? I thought it was a nice gesture. Oh, shit. Clementine. What are you doing on the roof? It's nice up here. How did you get on the roof? How do you know I haven't been here the whole time?

I mean, at this point, I'd believe anything. How'd you get past the wreck on the highway? Well, I was on my moped, so I just zipped right through. What? I'm kidding, Frank. Oh. I had no idea there was roof access. I'm going to be up there all the time now.

Please, don't. You seem different, Clementine. Did you get your memorand? reback? I learned all sorts of things. Like what? Okay, hang on. Clementine,

what the fuck? What? There's a bar of gold in our safe, Clementine. Yeah. And then you just vanished. I did. And now you show up on our roof.

Okay. So, so, I repeat, what the fuck? It's funny, isn't it? Unexpected gifts? Things just come to us out of thin air and then we...

Well, we just reject them, don't we? This good thing can't be happening. It has to be a bad thing in disguise. I better not accept it. I better treat it like a bad thing. I better worry about it and yell at people. And if anyone tries to congratulate me for this good thing that happened out of the blue, I better shut him down.

Right? Or we could just do something else, couldn't we? We could just say thanks. Enjoy it. Why don't we do that? Because nothing is ever just one thing, Clementine. The world is not that simple. But I want it to be.

Me too. Doesn't really matter what I want, though. He's kind of a pill, isn't he? He is. Why don't you get down from the roof and tell us some things, Clementine? Okay. Don't jump. Nice.

Dismount. Are you okay? I'm fine. You want a jacket or something, Clementine? What for? For, you know, Winter? I'm fine. Come inside. I don't know what the deal is.

Maybe you're some sort of heiress or something. Maybe this is a Patty Hurst situation. I don't know. Okay. One bar of gold. Start talking. Frank, come on. She's got amnesia. You may not remember some things, but we're not getting the full story, are we? It is really beautiful, isn't it? One thing I did learn, I learned that gold is made inside of a star.

It cooks inside a star for billions of years. Then when the star finally grows old and dies, it coughs up all the gold and sends it flying across the universe. Gold is the dying breath of a star. What if I told you that's where I got it from? That I was there when a star died and I caught some of its gold, some of that dying breath. And then I found a man in Australia who could take what I found in precedent at this little bar for you. This gold has traveled a long way to get here, Frank. Clementine, tell us what's going on.

In the meantime, when so many thousands of the people had gathered together that they were trampling one another, he began to say to his disciples urged. Clementine, come on. What is that voice? What is that voice? You don't hear that? Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed or hidden that you not be known. It's just some music, Clementine.

Therefore, whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light. And what you have whispered in. Jesus goes. Plyminty. That's not my name. What? I have to go. Are you okay?

I am sick of this ship. What the fuck? Do not fear those. Clementine! Where? Clementine! She's gone. Where the fuck did she go?

Jesus. Okay. Okay. Look, maybe I haven't been taking this seriously enough. She's fucking gone. Frank. Frank! What the fuck is going on?

There's that car again. Welcome to Radio. rental. The scariest stories you've ever heard in your life, all told by real people. Oh, and off we go. On one side of me, I have these people whispering to each other, staring at me, and then the other side I have this distaste man gurgling. I was afraid that something was trying to trick me and lure me down there, and I had no idea what I would find if I walked to that pond. Zach, there are people outside the room.

Radio rental is available now. Listen for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, come in. Mr. President. And what is it, John? I'm afraid the First Lady will not be able to join you this evening. Is that right? I'm afraid so.

I will forever be envious of her ability to wriggle her way out of things. It is rather inconvenient that the American people have elected you and not her, Mr. President. I agree. So, I'm to attend this evening as some sort of unshaven bachelor, then. Not as such, Mr. President, no. How's that? The keeping up of appearances is, of course, very important in matters of state. What form of roundabout explanation has begun just now? On the global stage, we may appear to be a bit battered and bruised, Mr. President.

I agree with you, John. It was a very impolite war. So, it behooves us to project certain heirs. Airs? We don't want the nations of the world, namely our enemies, thinking that we have been weakened by strife. We have been weakened by strife, John. Indeed, we have. But we don't want others to think it so. Surely you agree. I agree.

Appropriate that we're seeing a play this evening, I propose a bit of stagecraft. Stagecraft. John, will I be wearing makeup at some point this evening? No, Mr. President, but we will be putting on a bit of a show, a play within a play, if you will. John, you have officially exhausted me. What am I to be doing this evening? Simply projecting an air of confidence and virility while attending this evening's events with an ambassador. Ambassador. From where?

Luxembourg. Luxembourg. That is a nation? So they say. A young one, but there lies right in the middle of your... Europe. I see. A new nation. A bit, yes. Achieve their independence from France roughly 20 years past. Luxembourg. Luxembourg. You wish me to attend the play this evening with an ambassador from a nation hardly out of its infancy, so as to project heirs of... What are those heirs again? Confidence. Confident heirs. For the ambassador from Luxembourg. A master stroke in diplomacy, to be sure.

Very well. What's their name? Countess Jacketta of Luxembourg. A woman? She is. A female ambassador? She appears to be. That's unusual, isn't it? Well, they were French not too long ago. Certain behaviors do tend to linger. Countess Jacketta of Luxembourg.

It is the one thing I miss about our former European ties. So many lords and ladies and countesses. We should consider having some of those in America. I thought that's why we created senators. Oh, they don't dress as well. Very well. Spending the evening with the countess, and not bad for a country lawyer. And could you meet with her briefly before the affair this evening?

Well, this work never be completed, John. Well, there is always the grave, Mr. President. Oh, that sounds nice. Shall I show her in? Please. Mr. President, so lovely to meet you. Countess Chequette of Luxembourg, I presume. I am honored to be in your presence.

I am honored to be in yours. Your title does roll off the tongue much easier than Mr. President. The difference being yours was earned and mine was simply given. So what do I owe a diplomatic visit from the Kingdom of Luxembourg? We are a young nation as you are and we wish to learn from you. Learn from our mistakes, you mean? Of course not. We admire your nation.

We are not much to admire at the moment, Countess. We are, in fact, quite a mess at the moment. And yet you endure. Yes. Yes, I suppose we do. We are a nation created by disagreement. The Belgians, the Germans, the French, they all insist we belong to them. When they are unable to agree, we were suddenly left to our own devices, and now I stand before you.

Disagreement does tend to create a nation-oriented. too, does it not? Yes. Though I am glad our current disagreement did not create two nations. As am I? Countess, if you will allow me some expediency? Of course. Due to the particulars of my tenure, I have not had the time I would have liked to devote

to foreign affairs. This is understandable. Though in the time I have had, I have discovered one truth, that no foreign dignitary ever requested to me just to say hello. Do we have business, you and I? No business. Countess, that is simply not true. I am searching for something.

I see. And what is that? I do not know. Ah. Well, that is not what I expected you to say. Have you had this feeling? Searching without knowing what you search for? Certainly. And how did you go about this?

This searching without a proper goal. Start with a word. That's what I. like to do. You can use one word and one word only that describes what's absent. Give it a try. Home. Aha. Well, there is a word that is far more elusive than one might think. One of those words that's a feeling disguised as a place. I do hate that. What do you suggest as a remedy? Hmm. Art. Art? Yes. I've been a

told that you're to accompany me this evening to see a play. I found that art does illuminate the places in one's soul that have dwelt in darkness. What is this play? Our American cousin. I'm sure it's quite bad in truth, but bad art and good can equally illuminate, though one is certainly more enjoyable than the other. I look forward to it. As do I countess. Until then, give it time. Move, move, move, move, move. Give me that gun. What in the world?

Stop biting me! I got the gun, he's getting away. Guards. I got your gun, Gavro! Think simple, tyrannus! Oh, whatever. You're a shitty rebel, chanchovia. What is the meaning of this? Oh, hey, Mr. President.

Who is this? Guards, seize this woman. Calm down, everyone. Calm down, Mr. President. My name is Julius Bohanan. and I am a member of your secret service. We have this disturbing situation well in hand. We were not informed that the Pinkertons were here this evening. My apologies, Mr. Hay. We had to move in secrets so as not to cause this particular groundhog

to dive back beneath the earth, as it were. You let an assassin get this close to the president? Well, we certainly got there before you all did, didn't me? That was fun. I do apologize for the chicanery, Mr. President. We did not want to alert Mr. Booth of our presence. So we created a foil for him in the guise of this tiny Spanish woman. Hey.

This is our agent. Shit, we forgot to give you your name. Do we have to? Esmeralda Villa Lobos. Pulp Fiction, seriously? Sorry. He never suspected a thing. Gentlemen, our documentation.

Well, in that case, I suppose I owe you to a day. Not at all, Mr. President. All in a day's work. Now, if you'll excuse me, we have a bit of cleaning up to do. Man, I can't think you enough. No problem, Abe. Don't call him Abe. Hey, listen.

Forty acres in a mule. You hear me? I'm sending the guards after this assassin immediately. Oh, not to worry, Mr. Hay. We have a man. Forty acres in a mule, Abe. Let's go. You the guy looking for a horse?

Who are you? I'm Leif. You're not the man I was meant to meet. Where is he? He had a... Thing. What? Look, do you want the horse or not?

Very well. Thank you for this, my friend. The South will rise again. Sure. Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton. Old times there are not forgotten. Look away. Look away, look away.

Dixie Land. Sent two over there? It's kind of hard to explain. Ava, do you mean it's hard to explain or it's hard to explain to us? It's a map. Well, oh, that's not so hard. Now, is it a map of what? Everything.

Come again. I believe you'll need more pages in that book there. It's not an actual map. It's just kind of a concept. Of everything. Yes. A friend of mine discovered something and no one would believe her. I didn't either for a while, but now I'm pretty sure she was right.

Why wouldn't anyone believe her? Well, in science, there's a sort of marketplace of ideas. Um, you had a tractor back home, right? Oh, yes, very nice one. We called it Samson. What did you have before that? We always had Samson, but before that, my father just had a mule. That was also named Samson.

It was an homage. Okay, so tractors came along and you didn't need the mule anymore, right? Which I'm sure was good news for everyone, but the guy who sold the mules. The scientific world can sometimes be full of mule salesmen who are always skeptical about tractors. I see. So your friend, she invented a tractor in a world full of mule sellers. Exactly. So what is the shape and size of this tractor exactly? Well, how did the universe begin in the Bible?

She? Yes, no sudden movements we may scare her. away. Come on. Well, it's interesting. He's on the beginning of all things. Really? Yes, there are two interpretations of how the Lord created the world entire. They are called Logos and Agon. Huh. Speech and struggle? Precisely. In one interpretation, with speech alone, God created the world. He spoke and matter itself would bend to his will And through his words the world came to be And the other interpretation, struggle

involved a great battle That one talks of God as a warrior And the world before him was one of chaos He brought order to the chaos By defeating great sea monsters and such Mott, Yom Tannian and Leviathan. The Psalms read,

You it was who smashed Yom with your might, who battered the heads of the monsters in the waters. You it was who crushed the heads of Leviathan, who left them for food for the denizens of the desert. That second one is way cooler. I like it too. It makes me feel better about my hatred for catfish. But if you're speaking of a map of all creation, for us it is never truly settled.

The old Israelites believed the world to be like a great disk floating in a great ocean. But then that began to change. Why did it change? Well, because of the arrival of people such as you, Ava. Men built great looking glasses that peered into the sea. and our concept of the ground we stand on began to slowly change. And thus did our concept of its beginnings. Come on, Michael Wains, I thought it was the word of God.

I thought it was immutable. Yes, well. We, in fact, well, we believe that Holy Scripture was written by God's children and not God Himself. Which can get one into trouble in certain circles. There is the word, and then there is the world, and we find both to be perfect. But then there is the word and its interpretation. And one cannot interpret without putting at least a bit of oneself into it.

And we are, by design, imperfect. Therefore, so shall our interpretations be. Then how do you ever know what to believe? Journey, Ava. And the fuel for that journey is faith. So tell us, what was your friend's interpretation of everything? She described it like a play. The beginning of all things is like a curtain rising.

And every particle in the universe is a player in a great piece of theater. And then eventually the curtain falls. That's not much different from what any other cosmologist would say. What my friend proved was that also like a play, the curtain comes up again the next night. Sometimes the play is the same, sometimes it's different, but it continues on and on into eternity. And somehow, all of that has something to do with a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner,

which is hilarious. It's a nice story. But there's no sea monsters in it. And then Gloria looks at him, and she says, 40 acres and a mule, Abe. To his face? Looking right at him, number 16 himself. Welcome back, y'all.

Just saved the Republic. No big deal. It was pretty satisfying. Gloria bit John Wilkes Booth. You bit him? Let it be known, I will bite all Confederates. It was the bite heard round the world. Nations were shook. Casper doing literally a foghorn, leghorn impression.

Ma'am. That is Julius Bohannon. Southern gentlemen, freedom fighter, and cigarette holder uses. This was my favorite by fault. This pales in comparison to when we convinced Audrey the Giant to run for French Parliament, and that was my favorite. What is not my favorite are these clothes. I'm going to change. This reconstruction-era corset is some bullshit. Ava, mission completed. Look, we're having a great time out there, but please tell me we're getting somewhere. Nothing definitive yet. Come on. Ava, we've been at this.

for months. I know. Leif broke Jean-Gene out of prison. Gloria shut down the first McDonald's. I know. I scared Catholic missionaries out of the Congo dressed as an evil gorilla Ava. We may have only done that one because I wanted you to wear a

gorilla suit. I knew it. The point is we're working our asses off out here. Look, the theory is sound. The more chaos we create out there, the more deviations in the timeline we create, the better. I get it. We're Following Chuck's plan, we make chaos and this thing, whatever it is.

The strange attractor. Right. Then it comes to us. But what does that even mean? What does it look like? What are we doing? How many Catholic missionaries do I have to scale away? We must stay with the plan and have no expedient paths to enlightenment.

But many thanks for scaring those Catholics away. As a side note, do we have any idea why we keep showing up at alternate Earth? This whole time, all we're doing is earth stuff. That can't be a coincidence. We don't know that either. I sure hope we're not going through all this because you don't want to admit that you're wrong about something. I'm never wrong, Casper. Just waiting around for the moment that I'm right.

We've been waiting around for that moment for a very long time. I'm impatient, said the 173-year-old man. Turning John Wilkes' booth over to the authorities was very satisfying, but it's not going to be satisfying the fifth. time we do it. Oh. Say that again. Turn John Wilkes Booth over to the authorities. Huh. Okay.

Um, I didn't do that. You didn't. What did you do? You know, I... Killed him. Whoa. What? That was not the plan. The plan was to save Lincoln. I thought I had dealer's choice on booth.

Deals, we're not playing Omaha Highlo? What's happening? Leaf killed John Wilkes Booth. Oh, okay. You know, I'm trying to feel a certain way about that, but I got nothing. Is this what it's like being Ava? Yes. What did you do?

You know, I met him in the alley with the horse, and as he was riding away, I blew him up. Leave! What? You blew him up? Why is that worse? I don't know. Is the horse okay? The horse is fine.

Good. Effie, Zebulon, help me out here. Leather is wrong. I know. That's it. Zebulon. Yes, I... Well...

Casper, look, you're the history buff. What was going to happen to him? He was... Going to go hide in a barn in Port Royal and then get shot in the neck by a union soldier a couple of days later. Okay. And was there some sort of impassioned speech at the end? About tyranny or whatever?

Yeah. Okay. So the outcome is the same. I just saved the world from having to hear an impassioned speech from a straight-up evil dude. Hey, no one's giving me credit yet for blowing up a dude on horseback and not killing the horse. That's called precision demolition. It's a lost art. I feel weird about this.

You'll be fine. Incoming. What? Somebody's in the parking lot. Who? Oh. It's the fucking ambassador from Luxembourg. having a weird day. She needs to get out of the parking lot. We're going to jump soon. Oh, now you're concerned for people.

Innocent people? Sure. I'll go talk to her. Good evening, Madam Ambassador. May I help you? What an unusual building? Yes, architects these days. May I escort you back to town? You must be in quite a state considering this evening's events. I was so impressed with your heroism. Ah, well, it was a group effort. I am Countess Jacetta of Luxembourg. In order to be in your presence, Countess, I am Julius Bohannan of the Shreveport, Bohannons. Are you certain? Am I certain of what?

Are you certain of who you say you are? I'm quite certain. I have excellent ability to detect deception. Do you now? Yes. What would your sense of deception say about a woman calling herself Countess, Jacketta of Luxembourg when

Countess Jackette of Luxembourg died in the 15th century. She was thought to be a witch. Have you risen from the grave to enact your revenge on mankind, Countess? Who are you? Who are you? What is this place? Honestly, I have no idea. What's going on,

Casper? Not sure. Who are all of you? We run a diner. What's happening? Dear, I have a very strange feeling. What the hell is that? Honestly, we don't know that either. I don't like this place. What is this place? It's going to be all right. Just tell us your name. Are you trying to stop me? I won't stop. Whoever you are, we think you may be doing something bad. No, no, I'm too close. Too close to what? Tell me who you are. Lady? No, you first. Never mind. I'll find out for myself. I'll see I'm by now. Shit. See? Told you I'd be right eventually. Okay. Everybody,

inside. Time to make plans. Hello? Yeah, look, I can't talk about this right now. I'm slammed, okay? We'll have to talk about it later. I'm not doing this now. Goodbye. 322. When you sign the wait list, you need a first and a last name, okay? Clementine. Yes, that's me. What's your last name, Clementine? Oh, I don't have one. You don't have one? No. Can I get one here? No. Clementine, you cannot get a last name at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Is there anything else I can help you with? Yes. Yes, I think there is, Casper. Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo-level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Sparker, Milo loves mycelium, Sarah Freckles Zoe Georgina Marsh, the Art Sharpa, Lucrezia, the Waiting Pool Pirates, Chelsea G, Melmberg, Kingpin, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Kurt Bartnick, D. Fox, Nicole Colangela, The Real Dirt Fairy, Rogue, Kenny, Adrian Ramirez, Leap Flame, Schnugans, Stephen Robin Poole, Pathos, Andrea Strick, Sir Cat Dad, Velasicate, Chancho Villa, Justine Burbank, Pichy Zetuituit,

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