Midnight Burger - Chapter 22: The Maul of America.

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

"What are we to think of a woman's suffering a broken leg when another crowd of 1,000 turned violent after waiting eight hours to get into a Zayre store in Wilkes-Barre, Pa.? Departmental Manager William Shigo could provide no explanation either. He armed himself with a baseball bat to defend his position behind the counter. Said he: 'Get back, you're breaking my legs.'"-Time Magazine, September 12th, 1983.CastGloria - Siouxsie SuarezCaspar - Joe FisherAva - Finlay StevensonZebulon Mucklewain - Neal StarbirdEffie Mucklewain - Julie Cowden-StarbirdLeif - Tom MoormanGuest StarringNhea Durousseau as TamaraLauren LeBlanc as ClementineWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonMusic:Limehouse Blues - Fry's Million Dollar Pier OrchestraThe One I Love Belong to Someone Else - Ted Lewis and his BandSérénade Mephistopheles - Feodor ChaliapinMall Music by Trio LeoRead and search Scripts with PodScripts: https://podscripts.app/For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Subscribe on Supporting Cast: https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fmHow about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Radio Rental. The scariest stories you've ever heard in your life, all told by real people. Oh, and off we go. On one side of me, I have these people whispering to each other, staring at me, and then the other side I have this distaste man gurgling. I was afraid that something was trying to trick me and lure me down there,

and I had no idea what I would feel. find if I walk down to that pond. Zach, there are people outside the room talking. Radio rental is available now. Listen for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Midnight Burger will always be free to listen to, but it's not free to make. So please consider supporting us on Patreon or Apple Podcasts. For early access, ad-free shows, exclusive content, and our enduring gratitude.

Just go to patreon.com slash midnight burger or subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Previously on Midnight Burger, where are we? Bereza Motel. And there's a lady passed out in the parking lot. Why?

There's a woman passed out in the parking lot. Okay, I mean, no judgment. I mean, you know, whom amongst us? Am I right? What? She's gone. There's nobody in there. Did they move from her?

They had her on some fluids. The IV is just lying on the ground. Well, where to hell does she go? Hey there. Do you remember me? She's back in the parking lot, but now I'm feeling weird about it. I feel so bad about all the trouble I caused you. Here.

Looks like a bar of gold. It's a gold bar. Oh, yeah, sure. Gold bar. You know, as one does. Yes, come in, Mr. President. Okay, you can't just jump to post-Civil War America. What the hell is going on?

Mr. President. So lovely to meet you. Wait a minute. That's the same lady from the parking lot. Why does she sound like Diane von Furstenberg? You're getting away! Guards! I got your...

Gun Car Run. Okay, good. There's the team. I was beginning to worry that it hit shuffle. You the guy looking for a horse? Thank you for this, my friend. The South will rise again. Beef, come on, you can't let John Wilkes' booth get away.

Old times there are not forgotten look away. Uh, yo. The hell is that? Honestly, we don't know that either. I don't like this place. Tell me who you are. Lady? He thinks the lady doth protest too much.

Never mind. I'll find out for myself. I'll see I'm gonna find y'all. Oh, great, just what we need, a fucking magician. Well, I think I can speak for all of us when I say a collective H-W-A-T. What? Let's start the shift. Television show that portrays stories from the Bible.

Yes. Isaac, Abraham. Yes. But portrayed by vegetables. I can see you trying to make sense of it, and I wish you luck. Coffee's ready. Excellent. Still nothing? She's been like that for hours.

She's almost burned through a whole notebook. I admire her dedication, but does she need a glass of water or some such? I have begun to worry that her pencil may ignite. Maybe I should bring her some food? Honestly, she won't even know you're there. What if it's really good food, though? In any lab or testing field or observatory, you're going to see this. There's people filing reports, compiling data, getting coffee, the janitor.

comes by, maybe a senator visits, and then, off in a corner somewhere, surrounded by what looks like the notes of a serial killer will be the theorist, trapped in their head until they finally come up for air. Watch this. Hey, Ava. Yeah, nothing. So we stand here until she decides to talk to us? We can stand anywhere we want. We're not going to exist. until she's ready for us to exist. We may have one thing working in our favor. What? I'm having a cigarette.

There we go. We should probably get our questions in fast. She's going to suck that down like a shop vac. Let's go, mucklewins. Hey there. Eva, do you need anything? You're looking a little pale. We're probably going to touch down soon.

Anything we need to know? I am now ready to talk about the disappearing lady. Great. Let's do it. Do you need coffee? No. Leaf? Yeah.

Her energy signature when she disappeared, that was different than when the X would pop into our lives, right? For sure. Also, her voice was different. She sounded human. So, we're probably not dealing with Casper's alternative reality ex-wife throwing another bot at us. This isn't a Terminator 2 situation? No. Also, she didn't smell like anything.

X had a particular scent when she would teleport. Really? Tachian smell like popcorn. Okay. Okay, good. Stop smelling the Androids. I'm not being weird. I just want to make sure that we've all registered that this is not in any way my fault.

That's a refreshing change of pace, isn't it, dear? What will I do with myself? You know what? She was disguised as the ambassador from Luxembourg. Yes. But what were you saying about her name? She picked the name of an actual person, but from the 15th century, she probably thought no one would notice. But she spoke in a fake accent and was putting on a whole.

whole show. Yes. She's been doing this for a while. Doing what for a while, though? Traveling. And we've been on her tail trying to get her attention. She's the thing we've been trying to track down. Sure seems like it. Why Earth? What do you mean? Why is she sticking to Earth? Let's assume she can shift through time and fold space. Why would she stick to Earth? Because it's nearby. Wouldn't matter. If she can fold space without any tech, then distance becomes irrelevant. Traveling to St. Petersburg is the same as traveling to the other side of the universe. So she's on Earth on purpose.

I think so. Are you trying to stop me? That's what she said. Stop what? She's definitely got an agenda, and she was not happy to see us. I was not happy to see her. I have dark perturbations about this woman. Why, though?

It's a thicket of feelings I get from her. It's one thing, but also another. Perhaps if we wish to know the nature of this new character in our lives, we should look to ourselves. What do you mean? We are ordinary folks in an extraordinary life. Perhaps she's not so different. And why have we found ourselves here, either running or seeking all of us? perhaps it is the same for her.

That is where my feelings point me. But it's both of those things, seeking and running. And those two mix together and the wrong way can be. Dangerous. Yes. We're talking about a lot without actually saying anything. We think she's a problem and we don't know why. She thinks we're a problem and doesn't know why.

Right now all we know is there's a disappearing lady that doesn't like us. What's not to like? Yeah, we're delightful except for Leaf who kills people randomly. That's not true. Oh, you didn't kill a guy? It wasn't random. How long until we land? Any second now. Look, just keep your eyes open, okay? That wasn't the last time we're going to see her. Also, there's something that I want us to start looking for. We're not getting a cat. Why can't we get a cat? You can just say we're not getting cat. If we get a cat, it's going to hate me. And we all benefit from that. I think a cat may be nice. Oh my God. Sorry.

Damage to the fabric of space time. I want us to keep a lookout for damage to the fabric of space time. What's it look like? No idea. Here we go. Are we? Is this what I think it is? Are we in a mall?

Yeah. That music is terrible. Well, this is an unsavory establishment. This some sort of warehouse? Oh, it's a warehouse, all right. For commerce. What is that smell? That, Effie, is the food court.

They have put food there to be judged somehow? No, that's just where all the food places are. I have judged it. Yeah, it's not a great smell. Oh, shit. Check it out. B. Dalton! Oh, we're an old mall.

1980s for sure. The Golden Age. There's probably a Camelot music here. There's probably a chess king. Hickory Farms, anyone? Yeah. Three cheese sample. There's probably a jazzer size.

Eva, what in the world are they talking about? I don't know. I actually did something with my life. Where is everyone, though? I guess they haven't opened yet? All the gates are down. Well, at least there'll be a good spot in the food court today. We're really going to give Mrs. Fields cookies to run for its money.

Can we spread out and look for things? Damage to the fabric of spacetime? Yes, I know it's vague, but it's important. Damage to the fabric of space time. Should be easy to spot. Pardon me, sir. Is that damage to the fabric of space time you've got there? We should head over to Spencer's gifts.

That place is definitely a disturbance in the fabric of space time. Split up for a little while, everyone. You guys take the bottom floor. Eva, let's go upstairs. Who's taking the muckleweens? I think... This. Yeah.

Cool. I guess you're going with all of us then. Anything we can grab you while we're looking. From a 1980s mall? All of this stuff's garbage. How about a sharper image foot massager? Okay, yeah. Get me the foot massager.

Anything else? Do they have pencils here? Pencils? What? At the mall? Yeah? They don't have useful things here. Just the things you can't live without.

Never mind. Good luck on your spacetime anomaly hunt. We're going to hit the Orange Julius before we start looking around, right? Absolutely. So, damage to the fabric of space time? Yeah, it can look like anything. Also nothing. Right.

on it. Why are we doing this? Well, okay, I'm working with four separate things right now. Good. Bullet points are good. Thing one. Imagine a string of pearls, but not in a loop. Imagine a string of pearls continuing out into infinity. Okay, infinite pearls. Imagine each pearl as a universe. All matter and energy that exists is in each pearl. That's a lot of universes. Every day when we open our doors, we're in one of those pearls, a new universe. One of those infinite pearls is where we started, and we are constantly zipping back and forth

throughout different pearls. Each one of them have a beginning, middle, and end that runs for billions of years. That sounds way more organized than what? what we actually do. They're not actually in a string. They're actually all overlapping each other and occurring simultaneously, but it's better to imagine them on a string. Agreed. Thing two. Chucks said something about massive gravity waves. Inside, each pearl are massive destructive events that happen. Sometimes they're so powerful that they can damage the pearl they take place in. The effects can be cataclysmic. Is this like a supernova, a whole star exploding? No, it goes beyond that.

When something is so powerful that it can damage the fabric of space time, imagine a house on a beach and a tidal wave is coming toward it. Imagine this wave being so powerful that it doesn't just damage the house. It damages the very idea of what a house is? The idea of what a house is? A gravity wave can be so powerful that it can damage not just matter, but damage how matter works.

I don't like that. Yeah, I don't either. The third thing is us, a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner. And the fourth thing... The disappearing lady. Yeah. How did Chuck describe her?

powerful, formidable. It looks like she's able to travel through time and space like we do, but she can do it at will. So yeah, that's pretty powerful and formidable. She's scared. How do you know? You can see it. She was scared of us for some reason.

I can't imagine why that would be. Shit. What? Wicks and sticks. Did you ever go here? I wasn't a mall person. I used to look at this place and be like, that's what a real woman does. She has all kinds of nice candles everywhere. That's when I know I'll become a real woman. Did you ever get your candles? No, because then it becomes having a nice kitchen meant I was a real person. And then it became having a really nice couch for some reason, not sure what that was a about, then it became a restaurant.

What is it now? Jesus Christ, I have no fucking clue. Self-complition is a moving target. I mean, look at me. Look at us. Look at what we do. We're in a mall in the 80s looking for damage to the fabric of space time. And I don't feel much different than my teenage self.

I thought candles were going to do it. Seriously? What's up? You're probably co-opting whatever electrical systems they have like it's a nervous system. Well, I don't know about that. We can tell where both you and Casper and inner. Well, that could be useful.

Casper and Leif are at some sort of establishment with a devil on it. Really? They're at an orange, Julius. Anything else? Yes. We. There's someone else in here?

We believe so. This building may seem closed to the public. That's creepy. Okay. Check down Laif and Casper and let them know. We'll do. What are the odds that Casper and Laf are actually looking for something like we are? Oh, low probability.

I understand that you're upset, but I still think it was the right call. You blew a guy out, Laf, and what was that guy's name again? John Wilkes Booth. I think there's a big difference between blowing up a guy and blowing up John Wilkes Booth. It is still, without provocation, not out of self-defense, blowing up a guy. I see what you're saying. You're trying to do it like a math problem. Killing bad, therefore all killing bad.

But I've evolved. Oh. You've evolved, have you? That's right. Well, do tell Homo Superior. How have you evolved? I kind of went through the ringer while you were gone. Got confronted with a lot of old shit.

Old versions of myself. I decided, rather than deny it or leave it behind, I would merge it all into one person, bringing the best of all worlds into one dude. I'm Laif the cook, Laif the engineer, Laif the criminal, all in one guy. I'm Smart Hulk now. Smart Hulk would not have killed John Wolksbooth. Smart Hulk would have stomped the, fuck out of John Wilkes Booth. This is going nowhere. Drink your orange Julius. I guess I just

don't want it to come back and haunt you or something. This is really good. How did you know how to make an orange Julius? First job. Your first job? Was that an orange Julius? Yeah. What was yours? We had delivery? I was 13. Seriously, it's like you're not even a real person. I know. You too. Freeze! We're not here to hurt anybody. Put the gun away. We're not stealing anything. I mean, we're kind of stealing. Who are you? I'm, I'm, I'm, Casper, that's Leith. Hey? How'd you get past the perimeter? Perimeter?

What the hell is that sound? They must have hurt us. Out of the way. What's happening? We're going to be stuck here for a minute. Why? What the hell is that? If we're quiet, they'll probably ignore us. Who? Them.

Shit! Are we in a mall full of zombies situation? I mean, honestly, it was only a matter of time. True. They're not zombies. Who are they? They look crazed out of their mind. They're not zombies.

They're not trying to eat anyone's brain. What are they trying to eat? How'd you two get here? You guys make a bet you could sneak in or something? We don't know what you mean. Oh, I don't know what it is about men. When you see a restricted sign, you think it's a dare. It's not a dare.

There's fucked up shit happening here. Obviously. What is happening here? It's too weird for you to comprehend. You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Oh, no. Oh, no, not something weird. Leave.

What are we going to do about? the weird thing that's happening. I hope we don't freak out. I'm so fragile. Are you two? Weird shit's kind of our jam. Why don't you tell us what's going on? Okay. Actually, you know what? If she tells us, she's just going to have to explain it again to everyone else. Let's head back. Good call. Head back where? We'll explain. Let's go. Hang on. Okay, we're clear. Where are we going? What's your name? Tamara. You're a security guard? Yeah. They let them carry guns back then? then? Oh yeah. Also, remember all

the indoor smoking? God, that's right. Where are we going? That's our place. Over there. What the fuck is that doing here? Who's on the PA system? Y'all, be quiet, you'll alert the zombies. They're not zombies. Be quiet, you'll alert the not zombies? We were at the

Orange Julius. Where Gloria and Ava? We're up here. Did you guys see that huge crowd come through? Yeah, they're dangerous apparently. Stay away. They're not zombies, apparently. If it's zombies, I quit. They're not zombies. Who's that?

This is Tamara. She's a security guard. Who's on the PA system? Well, hello, Tamara. I'm Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife Effie. Hi, Tamara. Who are you people? Come, have a cup of coffee. Tell us about your weird day. You really expect me to believe that. How it works is I tell you our crazy story, and then you feel more comfortable

telling us yours. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, fine. I had just started this job. I was excited. The pay was good. I look all right in the uniform.

I'm pretty good at scaring teenagers. Then one day everything went off the rails. There was a riot over some toys. I couldn't keep the crowd under control. A bunch of stuff got stolen. A riot over some toys? Yeah. Some kind of.

a doll. What kind of doll? Oh, God. Wait. What year is it? For real? Yeah. 1983. Oh, no. What?

It's the cabbage patch riots. What fuck are you talking about? That was it. Yeah. Cabbage Patch Kids. The Cabbage Patch Rites? It happened all over America. Every kid wanted one of these dolls for Christmas called Cabbage Patch Kids. but they didn't make enough. There were literal riots.

Delivery trucks were sacked. It was nuts. Over a doll? This is why I remember it because it was so stupid. Okay, we're going to put a pin in how stupid that is, and we're going back to Tamara. You're saying that a riot happened and you couldn't stop it? Right. People went crazy.

They waited by the doors for the mall to open, not even in a line, just a mob of people. I was the first one here that day. It was way too early for anyone to go shopping, but there they were, all at the door to try and grab one of these cabbage patch kids. When I unlocked the doors, they pushed them open so hard that it knocked me down. They were running like Olympic-style running to the KB Toys just to stand in line and wait for them to open. Eventually, there was a line outside of every store that might possibly have one of these damn dolls. Montgomery Ward, Sears, whatever. There was even a line outside of Floor Shime's shoes for some reason.

Then they got the bad news. Delivery trucks ran late the day before, and the dolls weren't on the shelves, and they were still in the trucks. They all start to panic, like sheer panic, like their life depended on it. None of the stores had stocked any of the dolls yet, so they rushed back into the loading zone and literally ransacked three trucks full of them. Dolls, y'all. people got into fist fights

one guy had a bat it was chaos I need backup so I call the police and they literally laughed at me started calling me Santa's little helper so I say to myself please don't let me die

over some fucking dolls and I jump in there trying to break it up and then suddenly everybody was gone everybody yeah suddenly the whole mall was empty like I was the first one at

work again. Time loop? No such thing. Did you watch reset or anything? There is no such thing as a time loop. No. But as I walked back into the mall, they were here. Yeesh. Seeing them up close now, are we sure they're not zombies? Because remember, if it's zombies, I quit. They're not zombies. They don't try and eat people. They only crave one thing. No way. Cabbage, They're constantly tearing up the mall, trying to find the cabbage patch kids. It's not funny. I'm sorry. It's objectively funny.

Maybe to you all, you just got here, and it's getting worse. How do you mean? I swear they're getting angrier, more desperate. The first time, they were just really intense shoppers. Now it's like... Here they come again. God, look at them! I'm not saying they're zombies, but they do look at.

like they're from a zombie movie. One of the newer ones, too. A fast zombie movie. That's disturbing. They look crazed. They seem to be possessed by some terrible spirit. Indeed, I can feel it myself. There's some unnaturalness right there.

This summer, there is no sale that can satisfy the zombie shoppers. Shopsies. Whoa, that's better. Shupsies. This doesn't make any sense. What else is effective? Is this happening everywhere on the planet? No. In fact, now that they're gone, come up to the roof. I'll show you.

Hang on. We should all arm ourselves. Leaf, do we have any baseball bats with nails driven through them? I'll get the laser saw. Actually, if you just stay out of their way, you'll be fine. Oh, bummer. Time traveling, dimension-spanning diner, huh? Yeah, I know. Sounds ridiculous. You're lucky I was desperate for somebody to talk to.

How long has this been happening? 61 days. Holy shit, tomorrow. Why didn't you leave? I'm about to show you. I was thinking the other day I better get fucking overtime for this. Fuck yeah, you should. What's the pay like at Midnight Burger?

Terrible. Our boss is a tyrant. Ha, ha, that's Gloria now. Shit, is that an army helicopter? Around the third day, I noticed the tanks and helicopters. They set up a military perimeter around the mall. Why won't they come get you? They say they're worried about contamination, whatever that means.

Here, binoculars, check it out. Tanks? Seriously? I know. I guess they're pretty freaked out. Can I see? So they just trapped you here with a group of crazies running around? It hasn't been great.

Attention, this is a restricted area. You are now in an official quarantine zone. Do not leave the area without authorization. Excuse me, sir. You are disturbing our discussion with this contraption of yours. What the hell? Set this wordly gig of yours down somewhere else so we can hear ourselves. Thanks.

The hell just happened. They don't like people being rude. There they are. Government scientists have a sensor array set up. I would love to see those readouts right now. What if they got? Radar and a spectrometer. Ha, chemical sniffer.

That's dumb. microwave scanner? Lame. Yeah, it's 1983. What do you expect? Okay. Okay. None of this makes any sense at all, and that's great.

Is it, though? This is it. Damage to the fabric of space time. This is what we've been looking for. How is this weird shit different from the usual weird shit that we encounter? Every world we go to follows its own rules. There are no rules to this. It's just broken.

Angry shoppers turned into zombies that crave cabbage patch dolls. Give me a break. Kids, cabbage patch, kids. How does it get fixed? Tamara, have you met any weird ladies recently before this all started? I'd only been working here for a while. There's the occasional nut that walks in off the street. About yay high?

Red hair? No. She could have been wearing a wig at the theater. Just anyone with a weird vibe. You know, it was my first day. There was a lady in the food court who started asking me a bunch of questions. At first about the mall

and then about where I was from, where my parents were from. She gave me something. She said she found it. What was it? A rock. It's still in my locker. Come back downstairs.

I don't know what they are, but I kind of like it. We do, too. So, I didn't think much of it. at first. I'm supposed to put things in the lost and found in the office, but it seemed a little too nice to put there. Here you go. It's pretty. Is it a crystal? Um, leaf. Let me see. Huh. It's a diamond. What? Yeah. It looks great. Yeah. It's an industrial diamond. You can't make it into jewelry. Still valuable, though. Something this size? You're looking at about $100,000.

What? Good call not putting it in the lost and found. Where did you? She said she found it? She said mercury. Mercury. I figured it was the name of a new store that it just opened. Mercury? Doesn't sound like a store that I remember. I don't think she meant a store.

Don't tell me. Surface of Mercury is covered in diamonds just like this. The surface of Mercury. Yeah. Where it's a bajillion degrees in the atmosphere is methane or whatever. Hardly any atmosphere at all, actually. Wait. You're talking about Mercury, the planet.

She was just going for her stroll on Mercury and picked up a diamond. Picked up a diamond? Who the fuck is this woman? What the fuck is going on? I have no idea, Tamara. Okay, look, let's think about the thing right in front of us. Well, the thing right in front of us is a huge diamond from Mercury. No, the thing right in front of us is Tamara.

She's trapped in a time loop with mall zombies. There's no such thing as a time loop. Shopsies. What are we going to do about it? No idea. We could try and sneak her past the military blockade. Maybe if she could get away from the mall, things would reset. My guess is that you'd have entanglement problems.

Her geographic location isn't going to matter much. Not to mention, she'd be on the run from the government. My friends, let us not meet. Well, then we have to help them too. You guys really think you can fix this. We're going to give it a shot. Good idea. Back downstairs, everybody.

She said something like, I keep looking around for something, but why end up finding stuff like this? Why do I only find the stuff someone else needs? They're coming right out! Go to doors! Master! That was a close one. What are they going to do if they got to us?

Try and purchase us? Let's not find out. They can get violent, especially if it's something new. And y'all are new? How are we going to get back to the diner? Up to the next floor! Okay, now what do we do? We can just wait them out.

Eventually they can move. move on after a few hours. That's a lot of Shopsies. How long until they move on? It's random. It could be a few hours. We might not have that kind of time. Why? We're only on the ground for a few hours before we take off to somewhere else.

How is that possible? I think we're past the point where you ask how things are possible. I mean, there's zombies downstairs. Shopsies. We're not calling them that. Maybe I can sneak through. How dangerous are these not? That's exactly.

Here. I'll show you. Let's pretend this mannequin is you. Shit. It's fine if you stay out of their way. But if you try and get through that crowd, you're going to end up like that mannequin. Great. We need to get them away from the diner.

Obviously. Okay. I have an idea. Tomorrow? Yes. Take me to the cabbage patch. There they are. These are the few ones they haven't found yet.

Holy shit. Jesus Christ. They look demonic. For nine months in 1983, this was the only thing that any child in America wanted. It was like a mass hysteria event. I feel like they're all looking at me. Me too. According to cabbage patch lore, they all sprung from the heads of cabbages.

Cabbage patch lore? And I think they all come with an adoption certificate. People are psychotic. You don't need to get a cat. We can just get one of these. Nope. What's this plan of yours, Casper? Tamara, do you have one of those security golf cart type things? Sure. How about a megaphone?

I think so. I feel like you can see where I'm going with this. Jesus Christ. Okay, what do we do? Just wait on the second floor and then make your move. This doesn't solve tomorrow's problem, you know? I know, but it will get Ava back to her booth where she can come up with a solution. Why don't I just come up with a solution right now? Because all your good ideas happen at the booth.

That's your spot. the power zone. He's not wrong. Leaf, can you spruce up a golf cart? Is the Pope Catholic? Is John Wilkes Booth dead? Very funny. Let's go.

Have you noticed the more ridiculous the situation, the more ridiculous the solution? Does he seem all right to you? Casper? Casper never seems all right to me. He's different since he came back. He went through a lot while he was. was gone. We all did. I feel the same, though. Did I not change? Um, no. Not really, but that's kind of your thing. You're, you know, unflopable. Did everybody else change? Well, yeah. I mean, Casper had to confront why he was

such a tool all the time. Leif had to confront the fact that he was acting like different guys. I took over the diner and went up against the Teds and really tapped into some anger. Right. Well, what about the mucklewains? Did they change? Where are they now? Are I... Am I the only one who didn't have a big change? Maybe, but that's okay. It's hard for me to change. I know. It's hard to change when you're right. all the time. Sure. I can't change.

I'm changeable. Of course you are. So try it sometime. Okay. But what do I change, though? I like everything about myself. Maybe

just keep an eye on it. Maybe something will come up. Okay. This should be good. sure you know how to drive this thing well enough it's a golf cart i don't need a master's degree okay but i don't want to die is the thing you'll be fine i'm going to go get their attention get ready to burn rubber jesus christ okay give me the cabbage patch kid here bill hello there disturbing fake child what's your name it's right there melvis gray melvis sure whatever let's go melvis

All they do is run. Are we going to be able to stay ahead of them? I think so. This thing's never gone this fast before. What did he do to it? Well, we could ask him, but neither of us would understand it. Are we going to hit a dead end or anything? No.

This whole place is a circle. We can lead them around like this till the wheels come off. How's all your foolishness working out for you? Good, I think. We're going to be coming around the mountain again, though. Y'all get in the diner while they're distracted. On our way. so they can just show up in anything that has a speaker.

Pretty much, yeah. Man, what the fuck is going on? What do you mean, tomorrow? You're driving a golf cart through a mall being chased by zombies who crave cabbage patch kids. What? They didn't cover that at Rent-A-Cop Academy? You know what? They did not.

You know that feeling when you get a good job and you kind of just say, this is it? I'm going to settle into this and just cruise into it. Life will play out before me, Thanksgiving, Christmas over and over again. I'll find somebody to do it with maybe. I'll get gray hair. I'll get bored. I'll go on vacation. I'll come back. Maybe I'll get a dog. Just cruise.

And then? And then this happens. Going to be hard to get back to just cruising after something like this. If I make it out of this. You'll make it out of this just fine. We have a 100% success rate. Success at what? The key to our success is not defining what success is. You know, this diner that brought us here, when I first found it, I thought it was just a diner.

And then suddenly, I was on another planet. Another planet? Yes. So it's not a time machine? No, it's that, too. Where did you go? A planet called Garion. What was it like?

Well, it was weird tomorrow. It was another planet. Hang on, they're falling behind. The pace. These dolls don't grow on trees. But then, the next day was another planet. And another and another. Eventually, I landed on a planet named Thegreon.

And that's what it hit me. It wasn't all that weird. How? Degrion was in a planet-wide day of morning. People started coming in needing to be fed. Needing coffee. They needed to just be around each other. So I started winging it, making them what food I could, made some coffee, and they just set with each other.

So there I was on another planet, a diner full of aliens, and it was somehow normal. And that's what I found. In the very long time that I've been working there, It's the same shit everywhere. The crazed mob behind us is not the same shit as everywhere else. The crazed mob desperately clamoring for something that is, in the end, actually worthless. I bet you see that quite a lot, don't you? So can you tell me what happens in the future or not?

It doesn't work that way. I can't tell you what might happen, but so can anybody else. For example, what might happen is that a couple of years from now, two movies are going to come out. Terminator and back to the future. They're going to totally fuck up how people think about time and how it behaves. I was hoping you were going to be able to give me something. You already got a $100,000 diamond tomorrow. Don't get greedy.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. I've got to get out of here so I can go shopping. And I think that's the irony of the day. You need to escape them all so that you can go shopping. Hmm That lady, the scientist, you think she's going to be able to figure something out? If anyone can. And then she fixes it, and for the rest of my life, I just...

No matter how weird or normal. In the end, you're always going to be just winging it, like I was. There's no voice from above to guide you. Except maybe for that one. Sure, Zebulon. What's up? I would just like to offer something from Hebrews. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. The voices are quoting the Bible to me now.

The funny thing is, Zebulon thinks he's making it more normal by doing that. These days I've been going with, I am making my way in the wilderness and streams of the wasteland. Isaiah! Lovely, are you a church-going woman tomorrow? Oh, sure. Cuyahoga First Baptist? always brought lemon bars to the bake sale. Good, because Casper is a very wise person.

Thank you, Zabulon. He is also wrong. You know, just one compliment from someone at some point would be great. Effie and I have seen the wonders of many worlds as Casper has, but through it all we have seen a constant. That is true. Hot dog on a stick, not going anywhere. Though the world may bear no resemblance. To the one you knew, there is always something that endures.

Something eternal. You're not allowed to say God for everything, Zabulon. It's not duct tape. And that eternal thing is watching them care for each other. That has endured through it all. Do you have someone to care for tomorrow? Is this dude telling me to go get a boyfriend? Yes.

Such, Tamara. He's just telling you to fill up the room you're going to die in. Reese, what? We're saying, somewhere out there is the room you're going to die in. How full of people is that room right now? Should it be more full? I don't know if I was going to say it exactly like that. Well, I think you understand what I'm saying.

Let's talk on a more pressing matter. Are you making these lemon bars with butter? Or shorten it. Shortening? Shortening? It is looking like all of you of skip leg day. Pick up the page. Okay. How much time do we have? Plenty of time before we jump. But I'm overclocking the battery on that golf cart, so we've only got an hour before Casper gets turned into zombie chow. Is that going to be enough time?

I don't know. What are we doing? Yes. Yes. What are we doing? Okay. I just need you two to be quiet for a minute, okay? Okay. What's going to happen? Silence is going to happen.

Okay. Two competing systems in a closed field. One system native, non-native system is capable of analysis and sampling with seeming, sentience, non-native system, is non-aggressive static within contrary system. How does it sustain itself? How does it sustain itself? Is she doing slam poetry? No idea.

Oh. Oh, shared energy system leading to degradation of the minor system. Which system is minor? Who is tiny, who is big? Newest system would have to be. This is all temporary. Great. temporary. Sixty-one days, she said, with no registered degradation, she said it was getting worse,

which means upswing, in new system could still be occurring. We're still at the beginning of the beginning. It's going to take a while, though. We don't have a while. Snowballs. Like a snowball, running down a hill, it can't go forever, but can't be stopped and gets bigger as it goes until what stops the snowball? A tree? Tree, tree, tree. What's the equivalent of a tree in this analogy? Two competing landscapes of energy, one out of control, the other, static.

What's a tree? What's a tree? What's a tree? What's a tree? Ah! A third system. A third system. Standing there like a tree. Eva. Is that all you work for Melvis? Right. Okay. Hey, we have to let the zombies in. I quit. Attention, Casper.

Please bring your wagon train back to the diner. What? Ava has a plan. See? What did it tell you? You are to lead the angry mob back to the diner and lure them inside. Inside the diner. Why would we do that? Casper, how in the heck am I supposed to know why we're doing this?

I don't even understand how that tiny automobile. Okay, fine. Tell everyone to get ready. We're coming up on it right now. Godspeed, Casper. Sure. Keep a lookout, y'all. Here he comes. Why is this going to work? Some trees, when they're under attack by caterpillars, emit a smell. That smell attracts wasps, and the wasps kill the caterpillars. Every system has corrective agents. Who are the wasps in this scenario. I think we are. We're responding to an attack. Here he comes. Ditch the golf cart. Get in here. Hurry. Hurry. We made it. No, no, keep going. We're going out the back. Why? Let's go. Drop the doll.

Good luck, Melvis. Everybody, up against the door. I thought they wanted the doll. I don't think they know what they're doing. I'm going around to the front to bar the door. We need to trap them in there. Then what? Then we wait. Wait for what? For me to be right again. Uh, uh, the mucklewains are going to be all right in there, right?

Afternoon to you all. What shall the reading be today, dear? Uh, well, it better be something about somebody getting resurrected. Yes. Mm-hmm. Jesus cried out with a loud voice, Lazarus! Come out! The man who had died came out. His hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, unbiased.

Everybody, take it slow, okay? If you need more coffee or food, just talk to one of us. You're safe now. Hey! Hi! These tacos are amazing. Thanks. But it's called Midnight Burger? Yeah, I know. It's a good name. Guess everybody's back to normal now. Ish. So in a little while, you'll all just kind of...

Poof. Pretty much. That'll be something to see. No way the army guys outside are going to believe me. You can skip the part about the diner. Just walk out there and tell them that they all snapped out of it somehow. Then, after a few months of making sure you're not a threat, they can let you have a normal life if you want.

Hey, Tamara, we're probably going to jump soon, and you don't want to be here when we do. All right. I'll start to gather everybody up. I'm not going to see you all ever again, am I? Chances are pretty slim, but anything's possible, as you can see. One more thing. How do I sell a big-ass diamond? It's pretty easy. I'll walk you through it. Hello.

Please make yourself comfortable. I got you something. If you brought one of those fucking dolls in here... Pencils. I can see that. There they are. What is all over them? I believe those are my little ponies.

You expect me, as a grown woman, to use pencils with little ponies on there. Boney's on them? Well, you said you needed pencils. Were you enjoying yourself today? Maybe. A little. Why?

I discovered something. What's that? Remember when we were fighting and you said, Leif does this, Gloria does this, I do this, and then there's you. implying that I contribute in no way to anything that goes on here. Yes. And do you remember how that was psychologically damaging for me to hear and I may be scarred for life now?

Do you remember that part? You're welcome. I figured it out. I do dumb shit. That's what I bring to the table. Dumb. shit. Yes.

Ah. Leading the shopsies away from the diner on a golf cart. I do that. That's my thing. Any of us could have done that. It's like modern art. Yes, you could have done that yourself. But you didn't think to. Well, congratulations on being the dumb shit guy.

Thank you. No sign of our... new friend today. No. But she's out there somewhere. She is out there somewhere. I get your attention for a moment, please. Thank you so much for coming to my farewell party, though I am convinced that 60 to 65% of you are here to make sure you don't miss out on any gossip. Sorry to disappoint, but I won't be doing anything more embarrassing than actually being a professor at this shit sack of a university. Today I officially transitioned into emeritus status, the flaming Viking boat of academia.

I did so under vicious rumors that I have lost my mind, which I shall wear as a badge of honor. I am proud to join the ranks of other nutty professors like Paracelsus, who believed in giants, Tico Brahe, who wore a copper prosthetic nose after losing his real one in a fistfight, and Pythagoras, who had an inexplicable fear of beans. You only get one chance to make a parting statement, so here goes. As we struggle to understand the universe, we may need to consider the idea that the universe is struggling to understand us, that our curiosity about the cosmos may be reciprocated.

Do our telescopes pointed skyward pose a question? And are the ebbs and flows of the starways an attempt at an answer? Are the scientists and their subject like two lovers in the dark, stumbling towards each other, hoping to find some skin? Well, that got a little sexy, didn't it? Good night, everyone. Drive safe. There are a dangerous deer out there.

They love going through your windshield. Can't get enough of it. And that, as they say, is that. Oh. Hi. Hark, a straggler. I liked your speech. Thanks.

Did I make a speech? Yes, it was at the beginning of the night. Ah, feels amazing. million miles away. Huh. Who are you? Clementine. Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Sparker, Milo loves mycelium, Sarah Freckles Zoe Georgina Marsh, the Art Sherpa, Lucrezia, Amy Pollard, the Waiting Pool Pirates, Chelsea G, Mel Momberg, Cosmic Shrug, King, Pin, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Kurt Bartnick, D. Fox, Nicole Colangelo, The Real Dirt

Ferry, Rogue, Kenny, SCRB Mark 11, Adrian Ramirez, Geniwine Jacob, Schnugens, Stephen Robin Poole, Pathos, Andrea Strick, Sir Cat Dad, Velocate, Chancho Villa, Justine Burbank, P. G. Zettoe, Disco Funk Slinger, Egy Steve, Incorrigible Ross, Hualandis, Alice Malice, Todd Van Voris, Thomas Stolen, Michael Christian, Moldy-bred Millie, Tarvok Stormbringer, Magnificent Hogbeast, Brockowene, Theo Alex Dean, Purple Saline, Antigone, Antigney Brickman, Gen C, Leia B, Blargo, Blargo, Onyx Rose, Cherlington Beascoat, Whitney Bliss, Tamara Oliver, Jackie Waver, Jackie Wavlet, Marissa, Marissa, Maggie's Yarm, Zealous Pragma, Erin Mitchell, Raven the Neco Queen, Melvis Gray Mystery, Om Vega, Codex Typo,

Creator 67. Sono Nassuno. John Doe. Courtney DuPona. Ruth McCormick. Stuck in Derp, Lahoma. It's Just Blake. Dancing Dog Dreams. J.R. The Hiker Bear. Menloor. Tracy. Calibri. The Green Street Major. Nate. Three legs are perfectly good. Hippo. Maleran. Mrun My Salil. Kara. Late Indeed again. Ian Hertzler. Mother of Thor. Enth Anomily. Special K. Ryan Abbey. Captain Blep. Sarah Bergenholz. Zackinat, coat full of owls, Naya, Anna, Ben and Jessica, the artist formerly known as Mouse Cop, Levi,

Curtis Charles Sr., Dalek Steve, Darcy D, and Existentially Exhausted Bean. Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness. And if time and tide roil you too harshly or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, Just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six. Well, at least there'll be a good spot in the food court today. We're really going to give Mrs. Foods... We're really going to get... All right. Damage to the fabric of space time. It should be easy to spot. Pardon me, sir.

Is that damage to the fabric... Should be easy to spot. Pardon me, sir. Okay. I am working with four separate things right. Fuck yeah, you should. What's the pay-like-it-midnight diner? Hang on.

We got a midnight diner sighting. Oh, no. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.