Midnight Burger - Chapter 24: Big Rock.

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Every day is the end of the world for somebody.Gloria - Siouxsie SuarezCaspar - Joe FisherAva - Finlay StevensonZebulon Mucklewain - Neal StarbirdEffie Mucklewain - Julie Cowden-StarbirdLeif - Tom MoormanGuest starring:Laurence Owen as JoshLindsay Sharman as MalloryWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonMusic:Fate (It Was Fate when I First Met You) by Byron GayRead and search Scripts with PodScripts: https://podscripts.app/For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Subscribe on Supporting Cast: https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fmHow about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Radio Rental. The scariest stories you've ever heard in your life, all told by real people. Oh, and off we go. On one side of me, I have these people whispering to each other, staring at me, and then the other side I have this distaste man gurgling. I was afraid that something was trying to trick me and lure me down there,

and I had no idea what I would feel. find if I walk down to that pond. Zach, there are people outside the room talking. Radio rental is available now. Listen for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Midnight Burger will always be free to listen to, but it's not free to make. So please consider supporting us on Patreon or Apple Podcasts. For early access, ad-free shows, exclusive content, and our enduring gratitude.

just go to patreon.com slash midnight burger or subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Previously on Midnight Burger, zombies! Oh shit! They're coming right out of! Close the door!

I'm just kidding. We're not doing the zombies thing again. Who's that creeping round my back door? It's some lady. Clementine. Yes, that's me. Who are you? I'm Clementine.

Who are you? Clementine. I'm Clementine. What's your name? Clementine. From the holes of the DMV to a frozen ice world, to the deep dark heart of the pandemic,

to a wretched hive of scum and villainy known as academia. Oh shit. They're coming right out. Close the door! Clementine can't just go poking around into the personal lives of all of our friends. What is she an app on your phone? This earns her, the business end of an old-timey talking to. I don't like this.

Clementine's hit your butt back down in that chair. Which I'm sure totally calmed her down and waved her off of any nefarious plans. Stay out of my way. You have no idea what I'm capable of. Okay, easy there. Pizzou. She just called me an enemy. It's clear that Clementine is on a mission, but what is she after exactly?

It made me decide something, that I'm never going to lose anything ever again. That sounds pretty impossible. That's just because you don't know me, Frank. Okay, that's a little, that's a little vague. Maybe it's time for a vision board, you know? Maybe a mission statement. Let's start the shift. That's a shame.

Try not to make it hurt. Well, way to de-escalate the situation, y'all. We made her teeth. We invited her. Into our home. And let me guess the entire time you were looking over the top of your glasses like a disapproving headmistress. Oh, you mean the way I'm looking at you right now? Can someone explain to me how the three of you all ended up at your old house in Arkansas?

Well, I did have a nice analogy about a grouse hunt. I would like to opt out of the grouse hunt analogy. Very well. One time Effie told me that they seemed to just fill up whatever container they're put in. Somehow this woman Clementine put them. in a container that looked like their pass. Now opting into the Grouse Sontanaghanology. Welcome back.

She said she'd learned a lot from the others? The others being us? What does that mean? Has she been spying on us or something? If she can travel through various timelines, then she can poke around in all of our histories, and we'd never know it. By meeting us in the past,

she just creates another timeline where we all once met a strange lady named Clementine. Great. So she's got all kinds of dirt on us, and we know nothing about her. She was confused when she spoke. She said she began as nothing and had to remake herself into her current form. Something about waking in a parking lot with no memory. Then her memories returning somehow.

She seemed to regard herself as a sort of poorly made garment. One pull at an errant thread, and she could unresolved. unravel completely. She seems to regard us as an errant thread that could undo her, cause her to return to nothing before she had achieved her goal. And this is when she started talking about her people? Yes. We were just wandering in the darkness, she said. The stars had burnt out. No light to be found anywhere. Whatever plight has befallen these people of hers, she believes she has has the power to undo it. Why doesn't she just do that then? I don't believe she wishes to save her people. I believe she wishes to erase their plight completely. She's trying to remake her timeline. Okay,

why doesn't she just do that then? How would you? It sounds like her entire civilization is screwed somehow. How do you undo that? It wouldn't be one thing. It'd be a million things. How do you undo them all? And how do you even know what to undo. It's impossible. But she doesn't know that. You want to tell her? Okay, here's what I need. I need someone to explain to me what the problem is, in simple terms. We don't understand Clementine. She doesn't understand us. That's an easy problem to fix. Why are we having this meeting on the roof like it's the war room? Why did you two bring us up here? Because of something Leif just showed me. Let me direct your attention to this display. This display. Isn't that a 1989 Xenna?

I'm salvaging from multiple time periods. You take what you can get. Can I watch Who's the Boss? This oval is a cosmic microwave background, a remnant of the first light that could ever travel freely throughout a universe. I did this scan from here while we were dealing with the mall zombies. Shopsies. We're not calling them that.

This is the furthest that light had been able to travel. This is as far as any telescope can see. This is, in a very basic way, Everything. Everything in the universe is now contained on this 1989 zenith. It's called a sky scan. The Plank does it all the time. Ava's idea was to use the sky scan of every universe we go to as a sort of fingerprint. Theoretically, every universe we go to would have a unique cosmic microwave background. We use the sky scan as a fingerprint and keep them on file.

So we could always know if we've been to a universe before. A fantastic idea, Ava. She knows. But Leif was also working on another project, and not telling me, which he promises to never do again. Honestly, it was a shot in the dark. I didn't think anything would come of it. Would you find? The first time we met Clementine, I accidentally grabbed her energy signature in the sky scan.

So, on a whim, I decided to scan the universe for her energy signature. Check it out. It's everywhere. It's everywhere in the universe. How could she have been everywhere in the universe? That's not all. I also scanned the mall zombies back at the mall. They have the same trace energy signature as Clementine.

I kept talking about damage to the fabric of spacetime. Leaf has found the energy signature that damage to the fabric of space time emits. The mall was covered with these energies, and so was Clementine. What does that mean? We don't know yet, but looking at the sample universe, There is damage to space-time fabric everywhere in the universe. This damage can only be caused by a gravity wave. For a gravity wave to cause this amount of damage,

something very, very big had to happen. Something bigger than has ever been theorized. Something massive occurred, and the wreckage of it is everywhere. Why are we just now seeing this? We just started looking. We may have been seeing it all along. We just didn't know what to call it. Could have been causing it.

by her? I don't know. She is pretty powerful. I'm not feeling right about it. She may have strange gifts, but she's just as lost as anyone we've known. She's a piece to the puzzle. She ain't the puzzle. All of this is interesting, but what do we do? I feel like we're sitting here wondering about things, but there's nothing to do. I need to do things. I don't know what's going on yet. I need more data. Now that I'm set up here. We'll learn more with every place we visit. Yeah, Leif, what going on on the roof. It's like Santa's workshop up here. Pretty great, right? I've got like five projects up and running. Did you fix the standing mixer yet? I've got like six projects up and running. Here comes the base drop. Okay, didn't mean that literally. What is all this? Is it a party or

is it a riot? I think it's both. It's like Mardi Gras with violence. We're in the UK somewhere. Look at the street sign. What's that spray painted on that building? Welcome, Ashley. Who's Ashley? Incoming. Hello up there. Hi. What a delightful cafe, is it new? We just opened. It's a diner. Really? Like the Americans? Yes.

I don't like Americans. Neither do we. Why'd you put pumpkin spice and everything? Who's Ashley? Ah, yes, Ashley. She's a death god. She dragged souls into the underworld to torture them forever. And she's stopping by later? Have you not heard of Ashley?

No. Oh God, you're not calling it something else in America, are you? Calling what? Something else? Do you have cababs? No. I have to make do then. Guess we have a customer. FB.

Vib check. Well, it's the strangest thing. One minute I feel tranquillot-infusing in this place. Let's go talk to this guy. This is brilliant. This is brilliant. This is what they're meant to taste like. Tacos.

It's no surprise they don't have them like this here. Most places here have a knee. on sign that it involves a sombrero, which I feel is not the most culturally accurate design aesthetic for the taco. Who invented them? Was it the Spaniards? 18th century silver miners. Oh, shut up. It was the Aztecs.

Really? The Aztecs? All those millennia ago, they were eating things like this. Theirs were full of fish and organs, but sure. Really? Isn't it funny how you don't have to pass a test to call yourself a history buff? Or a life coach, but who's counting? You know, saying they're full of fish and organs does make them sound more British, doesn't it? So, Josh,

what's going on outside it's pretty crazy out there did you win a football match or something may I say while the food is really divine the atmosphere in this establishment is a bit off you're all just here going about your daily lives while this is going on

while all what is going on the arrival of Ashley of course who is Ashley is this a cult thing are they going to put us in a wicker man I can't tell if you're being serious or not we get that a lot do us a favor treat us like we've been trapped in a mine for two years.

What do we need to know? Okay, what a fascinating game. Very well. First off, I'm deeply sorry for the mining disaster you have just endured. Mining accidents are far more prevalent than one expect. Secondly, while you were trapped in the aforementioned mine, the world discovered Ashley. Ashley is an asteroid.

She is headed for Earth. She is 9.3 kilometres wide, and she is headed for Earth. We are all doomed. Oh, God. We've known for a few months now. Everyone took the time to sit down with their families and have a talk about being doomed and said their last goodbyes. Then after all that, we found we had many more months until Ashley arrived and wiped us out, so I suppose we should just get pissed and set a few things aflame.

With 14 months to go, we may run out of things to set fire to you, so we may have to find some other irresponsible act to end. indulgent, perhaps blowing things up. That explains the crowd's behavior. They've managed to set fire to a T-Mobile kiosk now. Oh, they finally got it lit. Good for them. 14 months? That's pretty far out there to detect an asteroid. How'd they catch it?

It wasn't them. It was me. Well, I shouldn't say me. It was us. Myself and my wife. You're the ones you found it? We're astrophysicists, my wife and myself. We work at the observatory. Now the most famous observatory in the world. Just up the hill there.

And you said it was nine kilometers. wide? Hmm, quite a large woman, Ashley. Roughly the size of the fabled dinosaur slayer. We will literally go the way of the dinosaur in a little over a year. I've been wondering if our early warning was a blessing or a curse. Perhaps just a week would have been better. People have been coming up with far too complicated bucket list

now that Doom approaches and they have the time. There's a man in Surrey who is making a bobsled entirely out of butter and plans to slide all the way down Box Hill with it. It's not the usual end-time behavior. one would expect? There is now someone trying to leap over the flaming T-Mobile kiosk. Yeah, behaviors such as that. Exactly. Leaping over flaming object. And now he's on fire.

Wait. Are we in Greenwich? We are. You work at the Big Onion? Big Onion? We do. The Royal Observatory isn't powerful enough to pick up something that far out. 14 months? Sorry, have I stumbled into a cafe full of astrophysicists?

Kind of. Well... Well, to answer your question... question, that is correct. The Royal Observatory didn't find our future executioner. Our algorithm did. We wanted a better way of finding objects hurtling towards us, so we created an algorithm that cross-referenced all the public data from every observatory in the world. We were very proud of ourselves. We saw ourselves creating a patchwork of data across the heavens. As it turns out, all we were doing was drawing a giant pentagram on the floor and conjuring a demon named Ashley

that was now going to destroy the world. 14 months. It hasn't passed Jupiter yet, I'm guessing. Are you sure Jupiter isn't going to grab it? In fact, there's a lot of celestial bodies for it to pass by before it would get here. What about the asteroid belt? We'd hope for that, but I'm afraid the path is clear. None of our celestial big brothers are coming to our rescue.

Ashley is headed straight for us, and there's nothing to be done. Staff meeting at the radio, please. Yes, yes, talk it over. Must have been an awfully deep mind you were trapped in. Okay, let me start this meeting by saying, I am always pretty impressed by what we're able to pull off in the course of one shift. However, big rock. Big rock.

Not small. I'm still a little iffy on my metric system conversion, y'all. How big is this rock exactly? Imagine the Eiffel Tower. All right. Now imagine 30 of them. Oh, my. Falling down on their heads.

Yes. Can I get the Reader's Digest version of what's going to happen exactly? Well, let's see. 9.3 kilometers. Impact crater alone will be about... 150? 160? Miles wide. Earthquakes around the planet registering 11 on the Richter scale.

But that'll depend on how directly it hits. Organic matter within a thousand miles of impact will be disintegrated. Landing in the ocean will cut you. a little slack. But then everyone gets 300 foot tsunamis. Impact wave, then fireball, then volcanic rock will launch into space, then come back down all over the world. Then, after all that, we'll be creeping doom. Ash cloud covers everything for three years, freezing temperatures, then after that, very high temperatures for a generation, at least. And yes, that is the Reader's Digest version.

They're fucked. Not all of them. There'll be some lucky ones. Lucky is not the word I would look for. They will have to live in a total hellscape for a very long time. Well, I understand why everyone's drunk now. What are we supposed to do in this situation? It doesn't sound like there's anything we can do.

Damn. Gloria, if I may, tragedy is coming to this planet quite soon. It weighs heavy. And there are all sorts of readings from Noah that I could engage in, but perhaps I'll just say this. What has God given them? What can be used? Time.

Indeed with this time. And what can... Excuse me. I'm looking for a sloshed astrophysicist. Darling, there you are. I'm eating tacos. I'll alert the media, dear. Everyone, everyone.

This is my wife, Mallory May. the most brilliant astrophysicist in the realm. Hi. Hello, everyone. I hope he hasn't been too much of a burden. No, it's fine. I mean, considering everything that's going on, it's not surprising. Josh, can we move along, please? I brought the car and I'd like to leave before it's turned into a burning effigy by you and your friends.

Malt, it is the strangest thing. No one who works here has heard anything about Ashley. Perhaps they've heard nothing about Ashley, because there's nothing to hear about Ashley. Don't start again. I'm sorry, everyone. You're obviously on my side of this, or you wouldn't be here. No one opens a restaurant. when they think they're going to be obliterated in 14 months.

Your side of this? Yeah. Wait. You're seeing that an asteroid isn't on a collision course with Earth? It isn't. It is. Can you stop with this? I've seen it, Mal.

Billions of people have seen it. And billions of people haven't. Don't you think I would need to see it for it to be real? I don't know why you can't see it. I just know that I can. Hang on. Is there an asteroid headed for Earth or not? Yes.

No. Okay. One of you start from the beginning. Have you really not heard anything? about this? We've been on a camping trip. For eight months? We got lost. Your husband told us that you two created an algorithm. Yes, well,

that's where it started. We created a system where the data from every array on the planet coalesced into one data pool, and from that pool we would be better able to identify NEOs. When we first got it up and running, he woke me up one night. Darling, I've got one. I've named it Ashley. Then it all went downhill from there.

She couldn't see it. I showed her an ocean of data and it was like it wasn't even there. I thought I was losing my mind. Thought I was losing my mind. We didn't know what to do, so I sent the data to... Who did I send the data to first, darling? Curtis Charles Sr. at Salt. Yes, yes.

And Curtis said the same thing. Couldn't see anything in the data. But then I sent another package to Paul A. Johnson at the GMT. He could see it. And that began a rabid debate between every observatory in the world. Half of us could see it. Half of us couldn't. We were split down the middle.

Weird shit alert! Hmm. We had no idea what to do about it. So we all retreated to our respective corners, scratching our heads a bit, came to find out all those who could see Ashley were meeting secretly online and sharing data, data that we couldn't see. We've been arguing about it so much that we didn't bother to calculate the trajectory. Once we did, well...

They went wider with their findings, and it was the same reaction. Half could see it, half couldn't. It all went tits up from that moment. Institutions, then politicians, then world leaders, half can see Ashley, the other half, like me, can't see her at all. And I may have cocked it all up a few weeks ago when I went online and told the people of the world that if you can see Ashley, come here to Greenwich so that all who can see her can be together. Maybe not the greatest idea. Yeah, it has involved many more flaming automobiles than I had expected.

In my defence, I had just discovered alcohol. The whole world's in chaos now. Half won't come into work and the other half don't understand what on earth they're talking about. Uh, hang on just one second, okay? What is it, Effie? This is the feeling I was speaking on before. Half doom and destruction and the other half confusion, nothing but crossed wires.

How can one half of the whole planet see it, but not the other? Do you think this is what we were just talking about? More gravity wave damage? Maybe. But I need to see more. I need to get to their observatory. Okay. I should probably come.

Actually, Leif, you stay here. Whatever you've got going on on the roof may be more advanced. than what they have. We may need it. Good point. Do you think they have a system you can hack into or something? For sure. Okay. Ava and I will go to the observatory. Leif, go up to the roof. Casperl stay here and watch the diner. I'm fine by myself. I'm coming with you. Why? Hey, stargazers. We need to take a trip up to your observatory. Why is that? I need to see your data. I beg your pardon. I need to see if you've made any mistakes. I beg your pardon again. Here's the thing. Ava here is a theoretical physicist who thinks that your problem may not be of the astrophysical variety.

It may be more of a something else problem. We would love to take a look at whatever data you have. We've just met you. Why would we let you into our observatory? Because I'm smarter than you. Because, because let's face it. You have no solutions and you have drifted into crazy idea territory. Crazy ideas like Let's Let Some Strangers

Into the Observatory I think it sounds lovely darling I think you should do it And you're the best judge of things are you? Not at all but you know Stop the clock twice a day All that Oh fuck it, let's go

Good luck You're coming too Dudleymore Pick yourself up Oh no darling I can't I've got a very busy pre-doomsday schedule Many things I'm excited about Josh This week I'm going to do all stereotypically British things

I'm going on a fox hunt You are not going on a fox hunt I'm going to change my name To Cherlington Beescoat and go on a bloody foxhunt, talk to a stately gentleman about how we must do something about this gandie fella. Josh! All right, all right.

Off we go. God, I love a command center. I am so glad Gloria let me set this up. I can get so much done now. Do you have a long list of guys you're going to blow up? Still not off that, huh? Oh, I'm going to be on it for a while. Leave, how often do things such as this occur?

Rocks are hitting the earth all the time. Just not on this scale. You didn't have any meteors come down in the Arkansas. countryside? Any sort of chicken that was murdered by the sky. Absolutely not. It would happen on Earth a lot more, but Jupiter is always grabbing them. Earth would look a lot different if Jupiter wasn't there. Have you ever seen something like this happen? World killer? No. Most civilizations that are interstellar have deflection systems. You ever feel like we only exist because of a streak of really good luck? That's most things,

I think. Of course, we would call that streak of luck something else, wouldn't we, Casper? Okay, Jesus people. Please thank you. Jesus for deflecting the asteroids from Earth for so long. That's exactly what I shall do. Now I'm just picturing Jesus in orbit, deflecting asteroids, Superman style. Put that in the stained glass window. Okay. Up on the Royal Observatory's website, locating the staff login.

Hello, Royal Observatory Firewall, and goodbye Royal Observatory Firewall. Okay, let's see what we can see. Holy shit. continues to reel in what is now being referred to as the Ashley Effect. Small communities have begun to appear all over the globe made up of those who believe that the world is coming to an end. The most famous of these communities is here in Greenwich, where Rorke's parties have been raging for a month now. We spoke to the leader of the Greenwich group, Joshua Webster. Many people have said that this is some sort of outburst of irrational behaviour and immaturity,

and I would simply like to say to them, you are correct. We are all terrified, and we are acting like Giant children in the face of imminent do... Ah, uh, not my proudest moment. Apologies. So, uh, how long you two have been married? Five years. Five was the wood anniversary. I got you salad bowls.

I remember, dear. How long has he been out here drinking? How about three months now? He'll be out for several days, then come back and we'll fight about Ashley, and then he'll be off again. Ashley is an odd name for a world-killing asteroid. My intentions were good. We would talk about having kids. one day and we said we wanted a girl and to name her, Ashley. He was trying to be sweet.

Jesus, why are so many things on fire? Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? When faced with encroaching doom, people get in touch with their deepest desires. Those things they suppress. Did they all decide to finally tell the people they love how they truly feel? No. Turns out their deepest desire was to incinerate the neighbor's perjo. Strange people are. So, tell me how this works. You look at the screen and see something, and she looks at the screen and sees nothing? That is correct. And it's the same globally. People either see it or they don't. Weird. Anything you haven't tried?

Flying out past Jupiter and seeing it for ourselves. I'm sorry. Did you say you were a theoretical physicist? Yes. Are you Dr. Ava Maddox? I... Yes. Darling, it's Ava Maddox?

In the back seat. of Arca. Apparently. I knew I recognised your voice. We listened to your lecture on, oh, what was it? Magnetars, the jokes were really quite fine. Thank you. Where have you been? We heard you'd left Cornell for some reason. Yes, I did. Whatever for? Well, I went to New Brunswick, New Jersey, and I never came back. Oh, I've no idea what that is, but could we disappear there and never come back? Careful what you wish for. I've no idea why you're here, either, but I'm grateful for fresh eyes on the problem. Any idea why this could be happening? No idea. Were you subject to the usual shitty life of academia as we were? Is that why you left?

My colleagues didn't like the idea of me disproving their theories. Ah, theory assassination. How dare you? Which theories have you set your crosshairs on? All of them. Here we are. Big onion! Now I get it. We may not have the most powerful telescope in the world, but we do have the most onion-like telescope in the world. Look, I appreciate this. My bloody key card isn't working again. Probably all the power outages. Very hard to keep the lights on when only half of everyone in the world shows up for work in the morning. Oh, come on. Open you wank.

Sorry. Who is that? That's Leif. He's our technology guy. Why does your cafe have a technology guy? Deep priors. Thanks, Leif. Get in there. Crazy shit going on.

Fantastic. That's me, little project of mine. Respect. What did you find, Leif? I'll bring it up on the monitors. There it is. That's all our data. What am I supposed to see here?

I see a bunch of text and numbers. You do? Okay, good. I don't see anything. Neither do I. Wait, what are you seeing? I'm seeing a bunch of data on the screen, I guess. As do I. Leaf? Is that what you're seeing?

Yeah. Fuck. So we've got three people seeing it and three people not seeing it. Well, that's wonderful. Leaf, tell me what I can't see. Also tell me what I can see. I don't understand any of this. There's nothing there.

That's... Anything I can see? Let me see. There she is. That's our little mass murderer. You can't see it either? No. Okay, Leif, I need to look a problem in the eye.

Is there any way you can get me a better image of this thing? There's nothing to get an image of, Gloria. Hush, Casper. Not really. Hitcher... Uh, Juno's out there. Right. I hate this.

Eva, any thought? Yes. I hate this. God damn it. Fascinating to see you all do a speed run of our arguments for the point. several months. Leif, what about our, uh, friends? What are they seeing?

What the hell did they get off to? They'll be back. Who are you all friends? They're, you know what? One inexplicable thing at a time. What's our plan of action here? We don't have one. Anyone.

Come on. No bad ideas. How about only bad ideas? Fine. Go. Well, zombies. How are you going to get them in there? The best.

Okay. Good luck. What on earth is he talking about? We need to give him busy work. He likes to feel included. I heard that. All of this is infuriating. I need to go think somewhere.

Where's your go-thinking place? How about the equatorial room? That's where I go. Show me the way. Casper, don't let them destroy the place, okay? We literally went through a black hole one time. I've been in the food service industry, my whole life, Casper. I have cleaned up puke for the last time.

I'm a hundred new. Then why are you so bad at it? Sure point. I didn't vomit in your restaurant, did I? You didn't. Oh, good. It's an interesting place I found myself in, not remembering if I've vomited. We've all been there.

I know it may seem ridiculous, seeing as how there's an asteroid the size of Guam heading for Earth, but the worst part of it all, the worst part of all of this has been her inability to see it. That does seem ridiculous. We share everything, you know? We should share the end. well. Josh, look, I don't see any way out of this situation right now, but do me a favor. Call something the end when it ends, not before that. The ever-present American optimism. Hey, that's Mexican-American optimism.

Apologies. There certainly does not seem to be another explanation for our current celestial body. Never see a body. We are there. I'm doing tequila poppers and apps. It's going to be... Honestly, I don't even know what it's going to be.

It's not going to be pretty. Everyone thinks they're going to die, and I'm giving them more alcohol. Sorry, I can't help out. Gloria's got me on asteroid duty. Okay, you're saying, if I plug this monitor in downstairs, it will show me live info on the asteroid.

And if they stopped seeing it, that means it worked, or something. Okay. Saying a quick prayer that this does not turn into an orgy. Orgy's are so awkward. I never know where to look. Okay. Man, seriously, so many things I don't want to know. Sorry. If it's any consolation, you do not look like the kind of guy who throws an orgy. Thank you for that. But also, you know, a little disappointed in myself.

Good luck. Hey guys. Where have you been? We have not. I mean, you two being in my life has brought up all sorts of existential dilemmas. So when you say to me that you're not really here, my response is, that's true. And what does that even mean? I know. But also... Life, we are very certainly in another place, and it is very certainly. What do you mean? You're talking to me out of a speaker like you always do.

Life, turn around. Radio just over yonder. Yes? Are we? No. Why do you think that is? I don't know. Wait. Where is it you're saying you are?

Up. Can you be more specific? Look. Okay. We're up there. Are you... You're saying you're in space? Yes.

Where? What appear to be any road signs, leaf? We appear. to be inside of some sort of contraption. I'm circling some sort of very, very large celestial body. You're inside a probe? Leif, I don't know what this thing is called. You may as well call it a canoe.

Um, weird. Okay. Give me something on the planet you're circling. It has an eye. An eye. And it is looking at us. Wait, shit. A red one?

A very leaf. Oh my God. Horizontal lines across the whole planet. Huge dust storms? Yes. Ha! Fucking amazing! You're in Juno!

What is a Juno? It's a probe. Currently in a mission around the planet Jupiter. I was talking about it earlier, and it looks like you two just sort of showed up there. Well, you're... Believe it or not, you may be saving the day. Oh, well, that sounds nice, though it would be nice to save the day and then also to leave this place because it's... We are currently terrified, like we are out here in this big old nothing with our kids.

Okay, just give me a minute. I need to try and track down your frequency. Just so you know, I am completely ignoring the fact that a radio signal from Jews, Jupiter takes 40 minutes to get here and we are currently talking in real time. Not even going there. That's growth for me. Cheeks in the breeze, life. Okay. Oh. Oh. Look at that. Look at that.

I've got full control of this probe. This is great. We do not currently feel great about any aspect of this league. I'm going to do something. Tell me if you feel anything. Like what? Oh, my. Oh. We are turning Okay, that's it It was just a test

I just adjusted your position a little bit Why did a little bit Feel like I was getting my soul pulled up out of my body That's deep space for you Nothing like it I don't remember my first time Barnard 68 You think you're in the inky blackness right now

I should tell you about Barnard 68 something Like, no attempts to make small talk with us, please. Sorry, look, it's great. Somehow, you two have sent me the control protocols for the Juno probe. I need to build an interface. Gloria, are you there? Yeah, what? You are not going to believe this.

This was mainly a museum for a very long time, until the AMAT was properly set up. Built in the 15th century by Charles II. Yeah, yeah. The Mary Monarch. He was always having a laugh, Charles II. I wonder sometimes if our dome looks like an onion, because he thought it would be funny. Are you giving me a tour? Oh, sorry.

When I'm having a think, I always ask Josh to distract me, you see, so I can come back to what I was thinking about with fresh eyes. Okay. Okay, good. Keep going. Oh, right. Okay. Right. So Charles II was the first.

King to allow women on stage. Yeah, the most approachable of the monarchs, apparently. Was willing to sit and have a chat with anyone. This is good. This is working. What are you doing here, Ava? What do you mean? You know what I mean.

You show up in an American-style cafe in Greenwich after disappearing suddenly. It's not disappearing if no one notices. We noticed? A lot of us did. Rumour was you had revolutionary findings that the establishment findings that the establishment rejected, but then you disappeared and never published your findings. You're a bit of a mythical beast these days. You have a nickname and everything. Is it a good one? The disappearacist.

Huh, not bad. If the world wasn't ending slash not ending right now, I'd be telling everyone that Ava Maddox is standing in my equatorial room. What happened? The big bounce theory. What do you know about it? Nobody knows anything about it. It's a nascent theory. I think it's fascinating, but we're years off from knowing anything. I'm not. Really?

I had a friend. She was fired for basically being a big mess, and her work was a big mess, but it was also brilliant. She was never going to work again, so she dumped it all on me. I sifted through it, finished it, and when I got to the end, I realized that people should probably, probably stop saying the words big bang, because the bang is just part of it. The picture is much bigger.

You confirmed the big bounce theory? As much as anyone can confirm anything in theoretics, yes. And they rejected your findings? Oh, yes. Why? Name for me a revolutionary idea in science that wasn't initially rejected. And so what? You just fucked off to... Where was it? New Brunswick? New Jersey?

Not at first. The big bounce theory was just the tip of the iceberg. What's the rest of the iceberg? The big bounce theory, damage to the fabric of space time, and a shifting point of null entropy. That's the full picture. I'm just trying to weave them together. And you thought no one would listen to that? I didn't care if anyone listened.

I needed to find out. and then I took a long, strange trip to New Brunswick, New Jersey. I met two weirdos named Casper and Leif, and here I am now. I realize that doesn't make sense to you, but it does to me. And that's all that matters to me anymore. New developments? Maybe they're good ones. Who knows? The big bounce, damage to spacetime, and a shifting point of null entropy.

That's quite a list. And a woman named Clementine. But that's another story. Clementine. Hmm. Yes. You know, it's the funniest thing. What?

Wait. A while back, you met a woman named Clementine. We did, yeah. And after you met her, everything went nuts. Actually, now that you mention it. God damn it! It's overwhelming to take it all. in like this. The more I look, the more stars I see, each one its own world with its own horizon.

Is there someone like me on that distant star? Someone who looks up and wonders as we did for so long. To think that all this was created. But then so were we, dear. to be a part of this great sweep of creation. Dear, there are only so many ruminations on God's creation that I am built to take in at this moment. Okay, so Effie and Zebulon somehow ended up in a satellite? Okay, but why does this help us? I can adjust place. How much time?

The processing right now. Let me know. Gaspher? How is Operation Idiotic going? We're not calling them that. The entire insult. Forgive me, but who were Effie and Sepulon? Fucking Clementine.

She's here? No, but she was. Tell them. Well, I was just telling Ava about an interesting woman we encountered. Do you remember Clementine, dear? Oh, yes, Clementine. I remember Clementine. It was the name that struck us, wasn't it, dear?

We were down the pub and she approached us out of nowhere. American girl, very strange. Very strange. Had all manner of knowledge about Weimar Berlin, but didn't know what a coaster was. She came up to our table and started chatting us up. As soon as we told her what we do, told her about near-earth objects and how we like to hunt them down, she latched onto us like she was a barnacle and we were a humpback.

Question after question after question. Wanted to know everything about asteroids and how we find them and was especially interested in world killers. We were there for hours. That night when we came home was when we dreamt up the algorithm. What does she have to do with any of this? I don't know. There was one bit, probably nothing.

What? Well, it was late at night when I discovered Ashley. I wasn't looking for a near-ear-earth object. I was actually looking for nothing. I was calibrating the system by first seeing what nothing looks like. So I observed an area in space where I know there was nothing. Then, in that blank space in the sky, suddenly I saw Ashley. She's doing this.

How? What do you mean? I don't know. She medaled. I'm sorry. Are we saying this woman has some sort of magical powers? She wouldn't do it on purpose. She did it without no.

knowing she was doing it. Jesus Christ. I'm very confused at this moment. Oh, Jesus Christ. Eva? Hang on. Hang on. Okay.

For the first time in my life, I hope I'm wrong. What's wrong? Leaf, you've been scanning every universe we go to, right? Yeah. Are you done with this one? Yeah, it's ready. Put it up on one of the monitors here.

Send it. Every universe? What are you talking about? I promise. I will answer. all your questions later, okay? Right now, I just need you to go with me. It's exciting, dear. Let's go with her. Go on then. You're both astrophysicists. You've probably looked at the cosmic microwave background a million times, right? Yes.

You know what it looks like? It used to be my screen saver. Okay. Leaf? Both of you, look at this. What do you see? That's the cosmic microwave background. No, it isn't. What? That's not the cosmic microwave background, dear. It's a cosmic microwave background, but it's not ours. Look, look, look, look. There's this bit here, that's new. There's a little bit here that looks a bit like SpongeBob.

Hello, SpongeBob. I don't see any of that. What are you looking at? Look at what you're looking at. Oh, God, it's happening again. Holy shit. What's going on, Eva? I showed them both a map of their universe.

They're seeing two different universes. But they're in the same place. I know. How is that possible? It's not. I think Clementine, I can't believe I'm saying this, I think Clementine has taken two universes

and crammed them together. Crammed them together? That's impossible. Yes, I know. She can't do that. Yes, I know. You're saying this strange woman we met has done this. Yes, I am.

That's ludicrous. Yes, it is. I also think that's ludicrous, and I'm completely pissed. How would she even do that? I don't know. And I don't think she knows either. This was an accident?

What logical reason would she have to do this? Ava, how can two universes exist in the same place? They can't! This is what I'm trying to tell you. She's breaking things. She's unraveling everything. You sure it's not on purpose? If I may just chime in here while we're dangling out here and the beyond?

What is it, Effie? There's that voice again. There's mystery voice is coming from somewhere, darling. At what point should I stop asking questions and just let this complete nonsense wash over me? Right about now. Very well. Gloria, this woman was afraid and angry, but she had plans she was working on. This doesn't appear to be part of any plan.

Yes, and though she appears to be more powerful than anything we've encountered, everything in her comportment showed her to be human, like us. If any of us were given this power, would we be so? Adapt at using it? Would we not make mistakes? We're talking about a lot here. We need to stick a pin in most of it and focus on the problem. Big rock.

Big rock. Not small. Might we add getting Effie and Zebulon out of this contraption to this list? Sorry, that too. Sorry, old, but are you saying that there's nothing wrong with me? Nothing wrong with half of the planet? No, there isn't. everyone on Earth has been put in a literally impossible position.

In 14 months, an asteroid is going to hit the planet and cause massive destruction. But it will only happen to half of you. That doesn't... I know it doesn't make any sense. So, Mallory and myself could be standing at ground zero for this asteroid strike, and I will be completely disintegrated while she just stands there wondering where I went. Yes. How are we meant to function in a world?

world like that? We don't know. Okay, about... Turns out there is and isn't an asteroid. What? It's looking like Clementine has somehow crashed two realities together. For half the planet the asteroid is coming, for the other half, it isn't coming. So both happening?

Yes. Oh, I bet Eva loves this. Shut up. So... Sit in here, life. Huh? Send it here. Wait.

Darling, it's twins. Okay. That's interesting, but isn't that... the same amount of destruction as one big one? Great work, Leif. Centrifugal force. That's right. A thruster?

That's right. Juno has to dip in and out of Jupiter's orbit to avoid getting singed by radiation, so it has a heavy thruster on it. Hang on. Are we... One million of the Lord's years. Are you going to treat us like some sort of celestial cubal to be hit with your... It'll be fine.

I say it's a fine idea, but calculations such as those would take years. Don't worry about it. You want to ram an asteroid with the mucklewing? Who say I have objections would be perhaps understating it a bit. Glory, blow. Destroying one quarter of the globe is good news? In this scenario, yes. We are to be turned to some sort of battering ram.

What's going to happen at Effie and Zebulon? My guess says they'll be fine. Oh, your dance? You're just gonna embrace wild speculation when it comes to our well-being? Hey! Like you? know what you're talking about, Leif? Dear, I believe what Leif is trying to tell us is that,

if we do this, lives will be saved. Is that right, Leif? All right, Leif. Load us into your cannon and fire us across the circus tent. Is this really going to work, Leif? Slamming of knives. Hello. It's true. I have no idea what on earth is happening, but I'm such a lot. I'm just feeling strangely hopeful.

I'm just feeling strange. Salaf, assuming this works, what kind of destruction are we looking at now? Does it sound much better? No, trust me. Okay, that's the next thing. We need to know where it's going to hit. Oh, those kind of calculations are nearly impossible.

Got it right here. Who is this man? Western Australia. Good Lord. There goes that trip to the outback we were going to change. Asteroid strikes going. But the aftermath. But, all of the aftermath.

Only for half of the planet? Yeah, Leish. What is that even going to look like? No idea. I've got some ideas. Leif should get going with the mucklewains. We'll do the other stuff. Okay.

Effie, Zebulon. We love you very much. Please remember that as Leif launches you head first into a real big rock. I feel at times that our Christian inclination for forgiveness is being taken advantage of... It definitely is. Good luck. Okay, team.

Let's play asteroid snooker. Life, I know your intentions are good, but I must tell you that I have never wanted to whoop someone so badly as I do now. I validate your feelings. Petition to start calling them the missile wanes. Petition denied.

Hang on tight, you two. I'm going to have to adjust your position a little bit. You're going to be turning away from Jupiter and into deep space. Are you ready? Here we go. Just a gentle turn. Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord.

Okay, that's it. How does that feel? Real damn bad, excuse my language. I now miss facing the planet with the large red eye. Okay. Hang there for a few minutes. I need to check fuel levels. Effie, I'm not going to lie and say I'm not enjoying this,

but I want you to know. that I am enjoying it less than you think I am. Hesper, I can sense that smoke look on your face at, oh boy! Okay, I am beginning the countdown. There you are. It's a clear night. I thought I'd adjust the scope and see if I can get a look at her.

I suppose now it's them. You can't see them, love. I know. Do you understand anything that's happening right now? Not at all. You seem to be taking it much better than I am. I know I am, dear, but that's only because... Because I'm still quite inebriates.

Are they really going to smash the Juno probe into an asteroid that only half of Earth can see? I believe they are. The strangest part is they appear to do this sort of thing all the time. And who are they exactly? I've no idea, but I'm glad they're here. Do you think it's all madness? It's been madness since you've discovered, Ashley. The world's been torn apart.

Whoever these Americans are, they've told us that the madness is real. It's not in our heads. At least there's that. And that it all has something to do with an odd woman we met at the pub. Do you understand why I'm going along with all this? Because we've no options. Because it's been torture, Joshua. To suddenly be living in two different worlds has been torture.

Well, you don't want to be living in my world. There's a large asteroid headed for my world. I'd prefer that world. Do you understand that? I'd prefer to be in a dying world with you than a thriving one without you. Not to make it in a Dell song, but that's truly how I feel. I feel the same, Mal. Truly. But even after all the nonsense that's gone on today, I still don't know what to do about it.

Hey, you two. Let's do a quick experiment. Do you need to strap me to anything? No. Here, take this notepad and this pencil. Very well. In the notepad, I want you to draw a picture of Ashley from memory. Or both Ashley's, I guess, since there's two of them now. Why am I doing this? I'm trying to see something.

Seeing something. Right. Luckily I have superior drawing skills Here we go One of them is quite fat in the middle Well the other has a bit of a curve to it Big crater right in the middle of the fat one And there are some meteorites Travelling along with them, bits and pieces

There we are Great Now show it to Mallory Here they are dear It's our girls, aren't they lovely Mallory, can you see that? I can see them Good. Okay. Great. What does that mean?

There's been a firewall up between the two of you. You've been occupying the same physical space, but perceiving different ones. You can't see his world, but he can show it to you. It's not completely obscured to you. He can show you what is happening. He can communicate it to you. Why is that important? Because your world. can't exist like this. Eventually, the universe is going to try to write itself, and what will help that is communication, contact between two worlds. If you keep that up, I think eventually you can be living in the same world again. You know, I've never been a fan of marriage. For me, it's like, marriage is great, but for you. You go do it and I'll be over here. I like that it's around. but it's not for me.

Like skydiving. That looks like fun for you. I'll watch the video of you doing it and feel just fine about not doing it. But my old sous chef Caesar is married and has a ton of kids. Him and his wife fight all the time about everything. But it's part of their relationship.

Like, I don't know what they would do if they weren't fighting. And sometimes when they're on the opposite ends of an argument, I wonder if they even live in the same world. I don't know. I don't think we're ever in the same world as someone else, no matter how close you are. There's always this big space between you. You can't be inside someone else's head, so you need to tell people what's going on in your world. Josh is about to go through a lot. his world is going to get very dark and there's not going to be anything you can do about it except listen to him.

After this thing hits, the sun's not coming out for three years, Josh. For years, half of the people on this planet will be struggling to survive while the other half looks at them like they're crazy. I wish I could describe it better than that, but I honestly have no idea what it's going to look like. we're in uncharted territory So you're going to have to keep talking to each other You're going to have to try and understand each other Even though you can't understand each other Understand I think so

What should we do now? You're going to need to get the word out You work here so people will listen to you You need to warn everyone That what's left of Ashley is coming down in Western Australia Leaf is leaving you with all of the information you need to prove it. Just get it all out there and warn people. Things will start moving pretty quickly after that.

But before that, come on back to the diner. We're going to launch a couple of our friends at an asteroid. Woo-hoo! You will tell me, won't you? When the sky gets dark for you? When the world gets too cold, I won't be able to feel it, but I promise I'll believe you. Of course I will. And do you think it's possible that we've actually hallucinated this entire encounter with an American cafe that happened to house physicists had been missing for years and her strange friends?

It certainly sounds like a hallucination, but I have enjoyed hallucinating it together. I as well. Folks, it's a beautiful day here at Cape Canaveral where everyone is waiting with anticipation for us to launch these two old-timey Baptists into a space rock the size of Wilmington, Delaware. You get a little too much pleasure launching your friends into the great beyond. You know that, Casper? Too soon, ethie. For what it's worth, my scientific opinion is that you're both going to be fine. It's also my former municipal worker opinion that you're going to be fine.

I'll leave one and take the other. Thank you very much. Why are we in your car park? You'll see. Let's give them a countdown. Good luck, you two. Ten. Nine.

Eight. Seven. six, five, four, three, two, one, Ignition. You guys don't even have feet. What did I just witness? The Juno probe is on its way to Ashley II. Should rendezvous in about a month and begin pushing it off course.

The rest is up to you two. We'll do everything we can. Why are you speaking to us as if you're about the to shove off on a boat or something. Almost time, Eva. You two, come over here. Stand right here just off the parking lot. Why are we doing that?

Good luck, you two. It's going to be a lot, but I think we left you better than we found you. You definitely did, but what exactly is happening? Mallory, you were asking what happened to me. You said that people were calling me the disappearist? They're not wrong. I'm on a whole other level now. The...

I... The... The... The... The... The... ...the cafe is vanished. Dear...

Dear, the... the cafe's vanished. You saw it as well, yeah? I... Did. So... Not a hallucination, then. It appears not. Hmm.

Are you in shock, dear? I believe so. This may take some time. to process. Suggested course of action? Please take me to one of the pubs that has not been destroyed and buy me many drinks. I've got to

catch up with you. It may take some time. Course of action agreed upon. Love you, dear. And I, you? Off we go then. Hi. Hi. I know we left on a positive note, but the chances of two astrophysicists convincing all of Western Australia to evascus

are pretty slim. I know. It's entirely possible that there wasn't an asteroid in either of their universes until she heard two people talking about an asteroid hitting the Earth. I know. We need to stop this woman. I know. Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany,

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Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness. And if time and time. Royle you too harshly or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens. Just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you. We open at six. I'll do a few zombies. All right.

Sorry, zombies. Nobody knows anything about it. It's a nascent. Yeah, sorry. Nobody knows anything else. See, I mean, really, the two of you could say anything, and I'd be like, that's just how they say it over there. You know, how would I know what the way? I said that as if I was really proud of it myself.

I'd prefer to be in a dying world with you than I... The emotion is choking me. Sorry. You'd left Cornell for some reason. Yes, I did. Whatever for? Because there were planes flying overhead. Camp drills.

A church mouse in a brass band compared to the brand of quiet. Nope. A church mouse is. No, no. She was never going to work again, so she dumped it all on me. Oh, my God. Plains. Where's everybody going?

I don't know. Up. Yeah, right? Turns out there is and isn't an asteroid. What? It's a look. I'm sorry. Yes.

Hello. Sorry, I went straight in. I went straight in. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Welcome to Magenta presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Magenta. We begin with the five-part miniseries Ghosted, starring Beth Air and Lucy Roslyn. Perched on a rain-battered cliff edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky boutique hotel.

Owner and sole occupant Beth has spent months renovating, absorbing its essence into her bones. It's an old building. You'll get used to it. But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget. Kira, Beth? What the fuck? Face to face for the first time. in years, a pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances.

Beth, speak to me. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. And something else. Oh, I can't bear it. What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past too. Beth, he's right there. Why is there blood on your hands?

We need to get out of here. Kira! Kira! I can still see him! Subscribe to Magenta Presents, wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon, fans. of the esoteric. Bye!