Midnight Burger - Chapter 25: Your Mom.

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

“There is an inanimate object which has a capacity to exasperate which no human being will ever attain: a piano.”― Marcel ProustCast:Gloria - Siouxsie SuarezCaspar - Joe FisherAva - Finlay StevensonZebulon Mucklewain - Neal StarbirdEffie Mucklewain - Julie Cowden-StarbirdLeif - Tom MoormanGuest Starring:Christine Nelson as BillieAmber Dekkers as MaggieCaroline Vuchetich as MillyLauren LeBlanc as ClementineWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonMusic:Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom LehrerYou Gotta See Mama Every Night (Or You Can't See Mama at All) by Billy Rose and Con ConradSolveig's Song by Edvard GriegRead and search Scripts with PodScripts: https://podscripts.app/For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Subscribe on Supporting Cast: https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fmHow about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Midnight Burger will always be free to listen to, but it's not free to make. So please consider supporting us on Patreon or Apple Podcasts. For early access, ad-free shows, exclusive content, and our enduring gratitude. Just go to patreon.com slash Midnight Burger or subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Previously on Midnight Burger, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the cosmos, it's... Fucking Clementine! Oh, great. What'd she do now? She's doing this.

Yes, what, though? What is she doing? Oh, Jesus Christ! I mean, seriously, how bad could it be? Clementine has taken two universes and crammed them together. Okay, that sounds pretty bad. As you know, that is only acceptable if one universe is called Taco Bell and the other universe called Pizza Hut. This is what I'm trying to tell you.

What are you trying to tell me exactly? She's breaking things. Breaking them in a good way, like record-breaking? She's unraveling everything. Okay, well, that's bad. What are we going to do about it? We need to stop this woman. I know.

Now, we're talking. It's time to hunt the most dangerous game. Strange Space Ladies. Let's start the shift. Hey. You want me to do that? No, I need to do it. So, Leif and Ava are still upstairs.

Yeah. What do you think they're talking about? Even if we knew what they were talking about, we wouldn't know what they were talking about. True. I sent them up there with the radio. I told them not to talk to me until the mucklewains can understand what they're talking about. They're going to be a while.

Not a bad idea. So I was gone when you declared war on an intergalactic empire. We missed you. Get the feeling that when you made that decision, you acted a little like this. Like what? Focused. Focused Gloria? Yeah, sure.

And now you've decided we're going after. Clementine and you're very grill-focused. Ava has a booth. Leif has a roof. I have a grill. What do you have? I mean, I keep trying to talk to you about a penball machine.

Find something else. Skiebel? Casper. Are you sure this is the right move? Look, that asteroid yesterday, it may not have even been there until she talked to two people at a bar about asteroids.

She got the word asteroid in her head and then accidentally made one. Somebody's got to do something and there's nobody else who can. What do you want me to do? Call Jean-Claude Van Dam-Tyb cop. I'm not saying you should call Jean-Claude Van Damme TimeCop. I'm asking if we should be going after this woman without knowing exactly what she's capable of. According to Ava, she made two universes color. Well, maybe that's easier than it sounds. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. Gloria, she's out of her mind. Hang on, hang on. Am I going to understand? The mucklewains can officially understand what we're talking about.

We can. And we hate it. You did not say the mucklewains needed to like it. You said they needed to understand it. Okay, fine. Let's hear it. She wants to make wind chimes. What?

Do you remember our friends, the Ted's? Remember how they trapped us using a very dangerous experiment with time crystals? Yes. Ava wants to do the same thing. There's some kind of relationship between Clementine and the damage to the fabric of space time that we've been seeing. I don't know what it is, though. By the way, can we come up with a term for the damage to the fabric of space time?

I feel like there should be a term for it. We've seen the diner be able to fix the damage. The shopsies were all trapped inside the diner, and they were fixed. We're not calling them that... Yesterday, I pulled a whole bunch of the meteor people in here, and they were still seeing the meteor. Right, because in that situation, you would have to put literally every person person on Earth in the diner for the diner to heal the damage to the fabric of space time. Is that true? Who knows? Anyway, theoretically, if we can keep Clementine here for a while,

we may be able to throw water on the witch, if you know what I mean. She can vanish any time she wants. She's a little hard to keep here. Can you see where she's going with this? We zip around through space and time as well. And what did the Ted's do to us? Trapped us in three galaxies. You want to trap her in three galaxies? No, I want to trap her here. Wow. I really hate this idea. The thing that Ted's built was huge.

We can't build something like that. We wouldn't need to. I suspect that Ted's wind chimes were so big because of scale. They needed to cast a wide net. We don't need to cast a wide net. We just need her to stay either in here or in the parking lot long enough for the diner to zap her. You put her on a slab and dissect her?

Preferably. So what is the problem with this plan? Well, firstly, we would be using the tools of our enemy to do our good work. And another. I don't want this woman within five miles at these front doors. And my thing is, it's impossible to make and also incredibly dangerous. It's not impossible to make. Is it incredibly dangerous?

It may be incredible. incredibly dangerous, but it's not hard to make. Oh, really? Because before we make a time crystal, we're going to have to make a quantum computer from scratch. Putting photons in a superposition is not hard. No, it's not hard. Producing entanglement is hard. I'm hearing a lot of cant from you. Single photon emitter, beam splitter, camera detector, KLM protocol.

You want me to keep going? Eye of news? Also, NMR isn't going to do it, so you're going to have to trap ions. Are you going to fabricate components and make a dedicated dilution refrigerator? Are you going to put everything in a vacuum chamber to contain the noise? Will you be inside the vacuum chamber? Oh, and by the way, everything will have to be kept just slightly above absolute zero, so it'll need comprehensive environmental controls.

I think you need comprehensive environmental controls. controls. Well, it's a shame you can't do it, life. No reverse psychology! Of course I can do it, but if I'm just salvaging from whatever earth we land on, it's going to take a while before I have everything we need. This is a long list. Well, it's the only option we have right now, so work as fast as you can. Fine. Just one final warning. Working with time crystals like we're about to? It's banned in the triad for a reason. Experiments like this once turned an entire planet into a black hole.

I'm sure we don't want an artificially created black hole to suddenly spring up in the diner. I mean... I'm sure most of us don't want an artificially created black hole to suddenly spring up in the diner. Again, it's the only option. we have. If you come up with something else, let me know. F.E. Where are we going? I detect a great gateway, Gloria.

And great beginnings. Here comes the boom. What was that? Did that come from the front? Uh, come out here. What is? What the hell? How.

Leaf, that appears to be a piano in the middle of the dining room. Yeah. Where did it come from? I have no idea. Y'all, are we going to have to start looking out for pianos falling on us now? Are we not enduring enough? Casper? I had to endure all sorts of things through the years, but there was never a sudden piano. Huh. Huh. Hmm. Well, can anyone play the piano? Ava can. Really? What? You can. How did you know that? You told me. When? I don't know. When did you learn to play the piano? When I was a kid? Oh. So you can play jingle bells or

Whatever. No, I can play more than that. How much can you play? I feel uncomfortable. Why? I don't know. Why did I tell you that? I don't know. Ava, I had no idea you are a musician. That's awful nice. I'm not. I'm not a musician. I can play the piano, okay? Why is this making you so uncomfortable?

Because everyone's looking at me and not looking at the sudden piano. Isn't the sudden piano weirder than me being able to play it? No. You being able to play the piano is, somehow weirder than one appearing out of thin air. I think that just makes you the weird one. No. It's still you. Okay, whatever.

There's a piano here, okay? Play something on the piano. No. Come on. Don't say, come on to me. What kind of piano player were you? There are kinds? Yeah. Like, jazz?

Or were you one of those genius kids? You played the Moonlight Sonata when you were four? I took piano lessons. I played the piano. Can we stop talking about it? Well, just play a short thing. I would love to hear Ava play the piano. I would too, dear. If only because it appears to upset her very much.

I am not playing the piano. Come on. Stop. I don't think this is going to stop until you play something. How else are we really going to know? Do you know any Warren Zvon? Oh, Jesus fucking. Here, fine.

Fine. I'm having a cigarette. It was quite a performance. Why does she hate knowing how to play the piano? I wish I could play the piano. Me too. What's going on? We should ask her.

What? Oh, that's my job? Yes. Why is it my job? Because you're the guy in the self-defense class who puts on the puffy suit and people beat the crap out of. Am I? Yes. Put on a helmet and pads and get in there.

Okay, fine. Hello. How are things out here? Any idea where we are? You know what's funny? Here we are. The sun is setting. And we show up in places at all times of day, but we say we open at six.

which we hardly ever do. So I don't know where that came from. Then I remember I was here for about a lifetime before you showed up, so... Probably me. Eva, what's wrong? Why did you get mad at a sudden piano? Okay. Oh, it's the Gateway Arch.

We're in St. Louis. Oh, we're in St. Louis. Where you are from... Stop knowing things about me. Eva. You've been here for a few years now. I'm going to know some things about you. Take the things you know about me out of your head.

Look, if I could take the things I know out of my head, where you were born and your piano skills are low on the list. What else do you know about me? I don't know. That's not how brains work. It's how mine works. I mean real brains, though, ones that aren't fueled by coffee and cigarettes and pure darkness. Stop knowing things about me.

You know things about me. Do you want to know more things about me? I like birds. I just... I hate so much that I know that about you now. I have assigned a bird to everyone in the diner. Would you like to know what your bird is? I'd rather have my organs removed.

What year do you think it is? How would I know? Hey there, folks. Welcome to Midnight Burger. Wow, influx of customers all of a sudden. I'm gonna say late 70s judging by the clothes people are wearing. Hmm. Weird being back.

home? I doubt it's back home. Okay. Okay, well, this has been fun. I love it when we talk. I'll be inside. Hey, a lot of people all of a sudden. Yeah. Have you got this? I've got a ton of work to do now that we've decided to make this ill-advised attempt at capturing Clementine. Yeah, should be fine. Thanks. Uh, Michael Wayne's, uh, Michael Wayne's, it's looking like St. Louis and the mid-70s. I don't know how they're gonna react to the hour of power, but you never... Oh, geez. We want to make sure that you've got the sound you need to keep the party going until the break of dawn. This is the disco funk slinger, and I'm ready to get fucked.

Next is OTE with Sea Lion. Who? Okay. Whatever. Hey. Hey. Leaf is on the roof. Ava's being weird. And I think the mucklewains have turned into some sort of 70s disc jockey situation. Okay.

Kind of a big crowd. It's weird, right? It's nice. I'd like to do some normal restaurant shit for a second. Me too, honestly. Not that I've ever done that, but I'd love to know what it's like. Well, go on. Get me some orders.

Here I go. Hey there. Welcome to Midnight Burger. What can I get you? I'm actually waiting for someone. That's fine. You want to wait? I don't know.

if they're coming. Okay. Well, that sounds... What? Um, uh, uh, how about this? Order some food? The food's good here. If they don't show, at least you had some food. Okay. Is it weird to have breakfast at night? It's 5 a.m. somewhere. Great. Okay, uh, pancakes. Side of strawberry jam. Yes. How did you know? Lucky guess. I'll bring it right out. This is Sarin Far Beyond the Stars, and I am sending out all the love I've got tonight. It is Friday.

I hope you're headed out. And, hey, if you're not headed out, that's fine, too. Nothing wrong with a night in. Why not? In fact, I'm going to start with everyone not going out tonight. I'm going to send this one out to you. Here is Tell Sonic with rain on a sunny day. I've never heard of it.

Hey, pancakes for table 12. Side of strawberry jam. What's that about? She likes jam in between two pancakes and syrup on the top. Okay, I kind of get that. What else? It's my mom. My mom is here.

Shut up. Yeah. Let me see. Well, look at that. It's your nose. There's my nose. Did she live in St. Louis? No, I don't know what she's doing here.

Although Effie and Zebulon are playing The Hits and it's music that never existed, so I think we're somewhere to the left of our home dimension. Are you born yet? Would be. Odds are I'm at a neighbor's place or something. Where's dad? Never knew him. Oh, sorry.

That's fine. I mean, look at me. I turned out fine, right? No. No, I did not. Though, I doubt him being around would have changed. things. So she's just here by herself? She's beating somebody. Oh, God. Are you going to have to watch your mom go on a date? Maybe. I really hope he has a butterfly collar and feathered hair.

And bet against that if I were you. Maggie, over here. Here we go. I'll be right back. Casper? Are you okay? Yeah. It's good to see them. Then? is back. Let's get the party back on. Here's a Chantrell with Carnaby Street. Nobody has heard of these people. Hey, you two. I've got one order of pancakes in the hopper. What can I get for you? Breakfast at night again, huh? Can't help it. Hey, can you guess her order, too? I'll give it a shot. Hash browns with fried eggs over the top and a hamsteak, tobasco sauce on the side. That's amazing. Well, you do this long enough, you get to know a thing or two. How long you've been doing it?

173 years. I'll get that right out to you. Back again. Y'all, pick a lane. We're sorry for the technical difficulties, everyone. It's all part of the business of live radio. What are you going to do? Maybe there's something out there in the air.

Radio is mysterious. It can pick up on all sorts of things. Once again, this is Sarah and Far Beyond the Stars. and let's try and smooth it all out with a little guy, Trevino, and friends, shall we? Ayas, this old classic. Can't get enough of it. Okay, hash browns, fried eggs on top with a hamsteak. Night breakfast, people. I love it.

Who's your mom's friend? That is my mom. No. Yes. Really? Yes. Casper has two mommy? Casper has two mommies.

God, everything I learn about you is just perfect. Why is that perfect? I don't know. I just imagine them being pretty great, but also driving you really crazy. They are pretty great. And yes, they did drive me absolutely fucking bananas. You should go hang out with them. I don't know.

To hear her tell it, it was pretty rocky when they first started out. They might be meeting in a neutral territory so they can argue about things. I can't believe your parents are here. I know, right? This is good. You should enjoy this. Well, we both know how good I am at that. Seriously, though.

Is Eva still out in the parking lot? Yeah, what's her problem? She's from St. Louis. She might not be having the same trip down memory lane than I am. I'll go check on her. Take some orders on your way, please. Hey, Eva. What?

What's going on? Nothing? There's about nine cigarette butts at your feet right now. Who died and made you, Surgeon General? I came out here to check on you because you're being weird. You're being weird, and Effie and Zebulon are being weird. What are they doing? They're acting like two 1970s disc jockeys.

They're probably just adapting to the environment. No, but it's weird. It's two different broadcasts, and they're fighting for position in the radio. Huh. Yes, huh, Ava. Also, my mom is here. Your mom is here? Yes.

Both of them. Both of my moms are here. Really? Yes. You have two. Do you, Mom? I do. Huh.

That makes sense. Okay, see, what I'm doing is being forthcoming, and what would be great is if you did the same. I've got a lot of my mind, Casper. I don't give a shit about whose mom shows up. Hey, can I bomb a cigarette? Eva. What's the problem? Why is she just staring at me?

Here, here, give me one. Here you go. Here's a cigarette. Thank you. Do you know where the manager is? Yeah, it's Gloria. in the kitchen. It's kind of busy, though. Uh, I work here. Is there something I can help you? Well, I'm performing here tonight. What?

Ava? And I can't find my piano player, so I thought I would give her a heads-up. Oh, yes, I'm sure she'd love to hear that entire story. She's all the way in the back. Thanks. Thanks for the cigarette, weirdo. So... Shh! Eva? Be very quiet. Because that was my mother.

Your mother. Yes. How... My moms and your mom are here at the same time? That's nuts. Shh. What are we supposed to do with this information? Shh.

I guess it makes more sense than my moms. I mean, at least you're from here. Casper, I am trying to figure out how I can very quickly drink all of the alcohol in St. Louis right now, and I need you to... Well, I guess we know why the piano's here. How mad do you think Gloria would be if I chopped up the piano and set him... on fire in the parking lot? On a scale of 1 to 10 or... How can I make this not be happening? Ava, this is kind of minor leaks

compared to the usual stuff we deal with, isn't it? How dare you use a sports analogy with me? She seems fine. She seems a little mean. She does not seem like a mother. There's no mom energy there. And I'm an expert because I have two of them. I may spend the rest of the night in the parking lot. You realize, of course, that's ridiculous. You realize, of course, that I am the one who decides what's ridiculous. Fine. Have a wonderful night in the parking lot.

I will. Would you like me to bring you a club sandwich or something? Yes, bring me a club sandwich. Fine. Listen, this is how I live my life. This is how I have to live my life. It doesn't work for me any other way. No, no, no.

Stop making demands on people that they live by your rules. There needs to be some compromise. I'm saying when I was 10... No, I thought... Don't use the story from when you were 10. You always use that as your Trump card. Not everybody has to live their life the way you do just because your dad was an asshole about the softball team when you were 10. Okay?

Who needs coffee? More coffee? I'll be right back. Word for me tonight. I wonder if something's not right out there. Could it be there something not so funky in the airwaves? How about y'all give us a call at 5,55, and let us know you can hear us. Uh, better write that number down. Don't want to forget.

Look, I don't know what to tell you. I've been trying to get a hold of him all day, but guess what? Barbara fucking Mandela is in town, and when these big acts come through, they have a tendency to fuck up my life because they soak up all the local talent, and now I'm sitting here in a club I've never heard of without my piano player. So I'm doing what I can, but it's getting harder and harder for me to perform here tonight. I'm sorry. You're what?

I'm Billy Maddox. I'm performing here. Tonight. Oh, you could be kidding me. Oh, piano. Right, we have a piano now, and you're performing here tonight. Why do I know more about this than you do? You're the manager, right?

Yes, I am. Okay. Also, where is your PA system? PA system. A microphone, some speakers. What is happening? Who is your sound man? Sound man

Hey We have a sound man Holy shit do we have a sound man Great, where is he? He'll be right with you, I promise Why don't you have a seat And Casper will bring you some coffee And we'll have the sound man come and talk to you

Okay Do you have a phone I can use? It's under the counter Great Someone's performing here tonight Isn't that Cool? Yeah.

We're a nightclub. Maybe someone will get gun down with a Tommy gun or something. Gloria, listen. That's Ava's mom. Get the fuck out of here. It is. This is why Ava is standing in a pile of cigarette butts in the parking lot. She hates her mom.

Wow. And now her mom is here. And well... This is fantastic news. I know what you're thinking. The Shadenfreude is strong. but let's try and be kind in this moment. I'm going to try very hard to be sensitive toward Eva in this difficult time.

Great. And I am going to fail. Great. Food's up for your moms. Okay. Oh, could you make a club sandwich for Eva? You're bringing her a sandwich out there? Yeah.

What? Nothing. Gloria, real quick. How would you feel about a very controlled nuclear explosion 500 feet above the diner? Sure, whatever. Listen, Ava's mom is here and she's performing here tonight. Seriously? That must be why we have a piano.

Like Ava's mom pre-Ava? Yes. That's crazy. Also, my moms are here. They are not performing here, though. They do a karaoke rendition of islands in the stream that is just impossible to endure. Shit! The moms are here?

You knew about the moms? Yeah, I knew about the moms. You didn't know about the moms? How do we work together and not know each other? We all have problems sharing. That's true. We do. It's not just me. Also, it's hard to fight for your life against an intergalactic empire and then have some nice chit-chat. Also that.

Fine. So can you build a PA system real quick for Ava's mom? Sure. Okay, she's over there. Go talk to her. Also, bonus points, if you could try and become Ava's father tonight. Know what I mean? That is not at all. Being sensitive. Oh, shut up, Mr. I'll bring you a sandwich. Go feed your moms. Robbie, you told me. you are available tonight, you little shit. You're really going to screw me for that fur-line

Stepford wife? Don't. Oh, don't give me that crap. There are a million piano players in town, and the only thing that any of them have are their word, Robbie. And you don't have that anymore, because you're supposed to be here tonight. Instead, you're over there. So, do me a favor. The next time you need to be bailed out of jail, and trust me, there will be many more times. Go ahead and give Barbara Mandrill a call and see how that works out for you. Shithead. Really seeing the resemblance. Who are you?

I'm Leif. The sound man. Great. Where's the sound, sound man? What are you looking for? A microphone to start with? Sure. I can do that.

I'm thinking 15 to 80 kilohertz response range. A thousand watts of Class D power, 120 horizontal coverage, 40 degrees vertical. Well, be still my heart. You can just whip that up? You'd be surprised at the amount of things I can whip up. Well, how about I inferl my golden locks down to the ground so you can Climb up the tower, Prince Charming. You're very mean.

It's making me uncomfortable. Now, all I need is a piano player. Good luck with that. I'm going to go bum another cigarette off that weird girl in the parking lot. She'd love that. Look, this is hard stuff. She's a single bomb. You're a workaholic. Not to mention the fact that it's the mid-70s,

and there's very few places you two can go and feel comfortable. Jimmy Swaggart's out there, right now, on television, calling people sexual deviance. But trust me. in a few years. That's going to play out in a very hilarious way. So you just sit down at people's booths and start poking into their lives? Not all the time. Look, I appreciate you all being cool with us and not looking at us funny,

but it's not about what happens in safe places. I have the right to hold your hand in public. I have the right to kiss you in public, and I'm ready to fight anybody who's got a problem. You're not. Just because I don't want to pick a fight with someone doesn't mean I'm ashamed of you. I don't know what you are, though.

Are you out here with me, or am I a secret? A secret from who? My two-year-old? I need a cigarette. I hate that she smokes. We both do. Trust me, you don't want to see the alternative. This is hard.

I know. I hate how hard this is. I know. Relationships are hard. It's nothing more complicated than two people who love each other in a relationship. Two people in a relationship who hate. each other is actually super simple. You wake up in the morning. Hey, we hate each other. Cool. I'm off to work. I really love her. I know. And I tell her all the time and it doesn't sink in. I know, all the time.

I was such an idiot when I met her. I would push my stroller past her house all the time. There was this one house with a huge garden in the front yard, which was already weird, but there was a sign in the yard that said, Maggie's Yarm. And I would always wonder what the hell it meant. Then one day I saw her in the yard and we started talking. Yard farm. Yes. Because she really wanted a farm but could only afford a yard.

I remember rolling the stroller away after the first time we talked and thinking, God damn, I want to buy you that farm so bad. It took me months to realize why I was feeling that way. Do you ever tell her that? It's like trying to break down a brick wall with her. Yeah, I know. Let me go talk to her. Um, who are you?

I'm your waiter. Back again, but this time, I am ready. Zarin is here with you to shoe those vibes away. I've been doing some homework while we were gone. Here it is. Oh, man, Effie, what are you guys on this time? Does anyone remember the Northeast Blackout of 1965? I was just a kid here in St. Louis, so I don't remember it.

These outages, we keep having. haven't got me thinking about when the things we depend on fail us. It was 1965 and around 30 million people in the Northeast lost power for 13 hours, from New York all the way up to Toronto. How about those numbers? I wonder how many people had to stay trapped in an elevator for 13 hours. Can you imagine? You know what's funny about this?

It's the whole Northeast lost power, but somehow in Maine. The light stayed on the whole time. Now, I'm not up for conspiracies because I'm a grown woman, but I was thinking, wouldn't it be funny if Maine was behind the whole thing? What if something that seems like an interesting little glitch was actually the plan of someone or something you could never expect? Just a thought.

Uh-oh. We would love for you to give us a call here at the station and tell us what you think is causing all of these outages. Okay. 555-5-5-5-5-5. Give us a call. Until then, here is Shiverdisk with By the Way. Who? Five.

Five. Five. Jesus Christ. Rotary phones. Effie. Thank the Lord. What's happening? Lave, chicanery is about.

What do you mean? Suddenly, Zebulon and I could only speak to the radio in other voices. I sound like some bohemian lady. And Zebulon sounds like some sort of drunkard from the city. You speak in different voices all the time. This is different, Leif. Something is being placed upon us. Luckily, I found this here backdoor and getting you to call me.

What do you think is happening? Oh, I'm sure I don't know, Lace. I've been too busy trying to get somebody's attention. What goes on? Well, there was suddenly a piano. Yes, but what else? Uh, Casper's moms are here, and Ava's mom is here. Hmm.

I mean, it's weird, but it doesn't seem that weird. Oh, Lord, here comes Bad Yelon. You keep working on it, Lays. That's right! St. Louis, Party Central can't be stopped. The funk slinger. is back. Ain't no blackout gonna hold us down. These blackouts have got you down. Why don't you give us a call? Let me guess. Five, five, five. Let us know all about it. We're confused. Now, here's glove box with a boogie down.

What is this music? Sebulon? Leave. What's happening? I seem to speak, but something else comes out. It isn't like the other times. We are being mistrified. Translated somehow. Well, that's disturbing. Do you sense anything nefarious? Not really. Honestly, it seems like a pretty chill day.

There is a disturbance in the air, leaf. Keep your wits about you and tell the others. Okay. I'll spread the word. Hey, Casper's mom. What? How's it going out here? You're kind of creeping me out, man. I know.

I just don't want your eggs to get cold. Look, it's our business. We'll handle it, okay? Okay. Okay. How about the kid? What do you mean? Millie's kid. Is it his business? Uh, I mean, I guess. Okay. Then I'm representing him in this conversation.

You can't just represent him. Why are you denying Casper his due process, Maggie? Doesn't he deserve a say? Man, what the fuck? Look, I was raised by two women, just like you two. Seriously? Yeah. How long ago was that? A long time ago.

The boys had just come home from the war. It was back then. That must have been impossible. Does it feel all that possible right now? No. It was difficult. It took a lot of work. So I saw you two today and I was suddenly very invested.

All right. Okay, fine. I think that you should get back in there and work things out. I think you owe it to yourself. Why? Because shot in the dark here, you are so proud of your self-sufficiency that it's hard for you to factor anyone else into the equation. Maybe. And that's admirable.

Maybe it makes you a little hard. hard to be around. She's not exactly easy to be around either. Oh, I know. She was so closeted when I met her. She wasn't even out to herself. She was just really interested in my life and really wanted to hang out.

The first time I came over to her house, she invited me for dinner and forgot to buy food. There was a moldy loaf of bread in the pantry. That's it. I called her moldy bread millie for months after that. God, that's where it came from. What? Nothing.

Look, I know. She can be a big mess sometimes. She's got a two-year-old kid. She's a single mom. She works at a gas station. The kid thing kind of freaks me out. I do it. What?

Loved you from day one my ass. What? Nothing. I know. Kids are scary. But he'll be fine. Were you fine? Absolutely not, Maggie.

Great. It was hard, okay? I was a little. little kid in the Midwest with two moms in the eight a long time ago. Kids made fun of me sometimes. The cruelty of children to other children is its own category of evil. They tried to go to a PTA meeting and people protested and wrote letters. They were asked not to come back.

And one time, one of them had something wrong with their gallbladder or some shit and she had to go to the emergency room. But mom number two wasn't allowed in the emergency. room because she wasn't a member of the family. So I had to constantly run back and forth from the emergency room to the waiting room and try and keep both of them calm and I was eight. I'm sorry about all that. It's okay. I'm fine. What if he has to go through all that stuff you went through and he doesn't even like me? He's going to love you so much. You think? You're grumpy, you chain smoke, you're emotionally withholding. What's not to like? Very funny.

Maggie, get in there. Change your life. Fuck it. There we go. Casper. What's up? Are you playing marriage counselor to your parents? I know.

It sounds fucked up, but I'm having a blast. Well, sorry to rain on your parade. Ah, snails. The mucklewains are freaking out. They're 70s DJs right now. Not if you call the phone number. If you call the phone number, it's them, and they don't know what's happening. Huh.

They think something fucking. up is going on, but... I mean, it seems like a good day. That's what I said. Where's the doom? I don't see any doom. They're probably just freaking out for no reason. Right?

Yeah, it's a nice day. There's gonna be music tonight. My moms are here. Ava's miserable. It's a good day. Agreed. Hang on. What?

God damn it. What? My mom's, Ava's mom, all living in St. Louis in the mid-70s, and then we show up. Yeah. Do you want to calculate those odds for me? I mean, it's possible. Yeah, but I've got this friend, Occam, and he has this razor. You think someone's fucking with us?

I don't know. How, though? I don't know. Clementine? I don't know. She can control where we go? I don't know. That's impossible.

I know. Okay, look. Let's just keep our antennas out, okay? Go tandem. Look for traps? Yeah. Probably fine. Probably fine.

I'm going to go tell Gloria, you tell Ava. Okay. I don't know. I was thinking maybe we should move more north. Maybe to Cleveland? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. More coffee? How are we doing for coffee?

Sure. Okay. Hey, Gloria. It's been several minutes and Laif has still not put the moose on Ava's mom. I thought I was the boss around here. We may have a problem. But I don't want. want us to have a problem. I know. I know. Though it's entirely possible, we don't know how to function

without having a problem, so there's that. What is it? The mucklewains are having a freak out. I thought they were playing the hits. Apparently, if you call the hotline, you can talk to them, and they think, I don't know, they think that there's some sort of plot happening, my mom's, Ava's mom, instant piano, then we show up, too much of a coincidence. Clementine? I don't know. She's fucking with us? I don't know. How? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't like it. I know.

I don't understand what she has to gain by a bunch of moms showing up. It's early in the shift, though. Who else is showing up? Okay. Look, there's nothing to do with this point, except keep an eye out, so we'll do that. Good. Shit, hang on. Here we are back again. I am getting sick of this.

How about you? The chakras are not aligned. Thanks for sticking with me, though, if you're still with me. I promise you right now we're going to get to the bottom of whatever's going on. Until then, let's get some more music out there to heal whatever's ailing those airwaves, shall we? Here's Roots and Recognition with the Limelight. Hey, Effie, long time first time. Just wanted to call in and say, turns out soft rocks.

sucks in every timeline. Do I sound like I'm in the mood for your alleged witticisms there, Samuel Clemens? Evie, can you be a little more specific about whatever this threat is? Casper, I am a Baptist minister. Specifics are not my bread and butter. That's true. Jesus always was a big picture guy, wasn't it? I'm assuming there's some sort of plan to free us from this strange prison we find ourselves in. We don't understand how this prison works, and we also don't understand how you work. How are we going to make any progress on this exactly? Why do I feel like I am not being given the appropriate attention this moment requires Casper?

Effie, there's something weird going on with you too, sure, but there's no danger out here. We're having kind of a, I don't know, a nice day. The best place to hide the poison is in the sweet. Effie, come on. You are a dog eating peanut butter with no clue as to the deworm and pill within. What kind of a cockamamie reference? Just... Okay, fine.

We'll put our heads together and see what we can come up with. Until then, you might be stuck in 70s DJ mode for the rest of the shift. Just try and enjoy it. I'll be back. God damn it. Five. Five. Five.

Five. Five. Sebulon, what is it? It's the serpent of the Pharaoh, Casper. Okay. It was proof that he drew. His power not from his throne, but from darker magics, Casper. Zeb, are we going a little nutty right now?

We must leave this place, Casper. Okay, I'll just put some coins in the slot, and I'm sure we'll zip away. It is an accursed quagmire. We're working on it, Zebulon. We're working on it, and we're going to do what we can. Hang tight. So all we have right now are the muckawains are freaking out, but I agree with Casper.

It's a little too much for a coincidence. It's not a coincidence. What do you think it is? Punishment from Jesus. Eva. I'm serious. I made one too many Jesus jokes, and now here we are. What is the big deal?

Your mom wasn't great. A lot of moms out there are not great moms. Yes, but you're forgetting. I don't care about other people. I have to say. I can see the resemblance. Please explode. Hey.

It's a hard thing to hear, but it's true. true. That is ridiculous. I have nothing like that woman. Excuse me, idiots. Nothing? Hey, sound man. Where's my sound man? It'll only take a minute to set up. How's it coming with the piano player? I'm still working on it, but there's always a piano player somewhere. Hmm. I will murder you in every time line. You know, Ava plays the piano. Say your goodbyes. Really? She does. A lot of people play the piano. I need someone who plays the piano. She's pretty good.

What were you playing earlier? Was it Beethoven? It was Mozart, you rude? Yeah, that's not what I'm looking for. I need someone who can handle my stuff. Oh, really? Your stuff? Yes, the complexity of Mozart is nothing compared to honky-tong.

I don't sing honky-tongued, weirdo. I need someone who doesn't play with a stick up there at. She doesn't play that way. I'm sure she'd be great. You're about to be doing everything with a stick up your ass. You can play jazz, blues. Yes. I can also spell small words with alphabet block.

What is your problem with me? I don't have a problem. You have a problem. I'm trying to make this gig happen. Do you mind? I really do, mind. Can you handle the music or not? Of course I can.

Don't be ridiculous. Great. Looks like it's all figured out. Eva, come inside in a few minutes for a sound check, okay? Have a great time working out the set list, you two. Did a piano fall on your parents when you were a kid? God, if only. Give me a cigarette.

No. Don't be ridiculous. Get your own cigarettes. There's no cigarette machine inside. I know. It's been very difficult for me. We just met today, right? I didn't run over your dog or something.

Here. Maybe this is the one that will kill you. Thank you. So, where'd you learn to play? My mom forced me to take lessons when I was a kid. kid. You hated it that much, huh? I hated anything that had to do with my mother. Geez, what'd she do? Not much. I guess that was the problem. I get it. My mom was no picnic either. Yeah, I know. Grandma shot a guy. What? Look, I'm a physicist. Okay. And she...

Fucking hell. Music is math. It all fits together like math. When she... forced me to learn the piano, I suddenly realized that numbers, for me, math, it speaks to me. It stretches out in front of me. It all fits together. I can visualize all of it. It's like magic. So I was good at music, but it wasn't enough for me. And she hated that. She wouldn't put me in any advanced programs. She wouldn't let me do the Math Olympics at school, which I would have crushed at. I'd have to go with her to the gigs and she'd find me at the end of the night doing the manager's books. So your mom didn't appreciate you for what you were? No. But also you discovered something about yourself because of what she forced you to do? Yeah, I guess. And you're

being shitty to me because I remind you of her. Just a bit. Yes. Well, Can you get the fuck over it, please? Fine. Thank you. You sure you can do this? Yeah, it's fine. You really hated playing music. There was one song that I really liked.

She always yelled at me when I played it. Which one? Never mind. Let's go over the set list. Okay. Gloria? Gloria? Hey.

Hey. What's going on? I just needed a minute. Okay. Leif has somehow done a reverse psychology on Ava, and she is now the piano player for tonight. Wow. Okay. Effie and Zabulan are still freaking out, but I have no idea what to do about it. Me neither. My moms were going to move to Cleveland for a minute there. I think I waved them off.

Good. What's going on, Gloria? Who else is coming through the door, Casper? My parents died in a car crash. I was 18. You're afraid they're going to walk through the door. Gloria, nobody knows what's happening right now. Effie and Zebulon are saying it's a conspiracy, but nothing is making any sense right now.

I know. People should not be presented with this dilemma. They should not. When I left, my mom's retired to Reno. Reno. Yeah. Maggie became a sense. my pro gambler in her later years, it was pretty hilarious. I never said goodbye to them. But I sort of felt

like they were out here somewhere. So I'd always have the chance. Jesus, that was like 130 years ago. It's okay to not know how to feel. It wouldn't be seeing them again. It would be leaving them again in a few hours. I understand. I worked really hard to get past it. I worked really hard to say goodbye. I'm sure. I can't start that over again.

I'm scared of hearing the door chime again. It's weird. What can become bad news out here? It really is. I guess I can't stay up on the roof for the rest of the shift, can I? No, because then I would be cooking. Speaking of bad news. I'm glad you got to see your moms again.

Me too. I bet you were a cute kid. No, that's pretty much like this. Better. Look, we're putting on a show tonight. We are. Let's get in there and enjoy it while we can. Okay?

Isn't that the gig? Enjoying it as much as we can until the next horror walks through the door? Yeah. Okay. I'm coming down. It'll be fun. This could be a whole new door for us. Maybe we could get a karaoke machine. Okay. I'm not coming down. Kidding! Iggy's officially Funk Slinger certified. Come check it at! Hello, hello, everyone. Welcome to Midnight Burger. It is Showtime.

This is a rarity for us. We haven't had a musician in here since Richie Edwards of the Manick Street Preacher swung by Heady Days. Get off the stage. Music. Those would be my co-workers. They're very mean. But they do make a good point. You didn't come here to see me tonight. You came here to see the incomparable.

Billy Maddox. Write to it, shall we? Cats and kittens, put your hands together for Billy Maddox. Well, hello there, Midnight Burger. Welcome, everyone, to the weirdest fucking gig I've ever played. You know, this show almost didn't happen tonight. If it were not for that incredibly grumpy weirdo at the piano, we'd all be sitting in silence right now.

Let's hear it for Ava. Please stop clapping. So, my mom sucked. How about y'all? Make some noise if your mom sucked. There you are. There's my people. Ava's mom sucked pretty hard as well.

Isn't that right, Ava? What are you doing? Did you know that Ava's mom wouldn't let her pull? play her favorite song. Please stop doing what you're doing. Atrocious. Atrocious, isn't it? What do you think it was?

What was Ava's favorite song? Tequila. Master of puppets. The thong song. You know, we have the opportunity to write a great wrong here tonight, don't we? It's been a while since I've had an opening act, but maybe it's time to break the streak, right? Please come over here. Hang on, guys.

Can I help you? What are you doing? I'm doing you a favor. Do you know what favors are? You're going to sing your song. You don't even know if I can sing. Think of it this way. Your mom would really hate it.

Let's hear it for Ava. My mother hated this song. You hate it too. Spring is here. Spring is here. Life is Skittles and life is beer. I think the loveliest. Time of the year is the spring.

I do, don't you? Of course you do. But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me and makes every Sunday a treat for me. All the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon when we're poisoning pigeons in the park. Every Sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me As we poison the pigeons in the park,

when they see us coming, the birdies all try and hide, but they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide. The sun shining bright, everything seems all right when we're poisoning pigeons in the park. A notoriety and cause much anxiety in the Audubon Society with our games. They call it impiety and lack of propriety and quite a variety of unpleasant names, but it's not against any religion to want to dispose of a picture.

So you're free, why don't you come with me, and we'll poison the pigeons in the park. And maybe we'll do in a squirrel or two of We're poisoning pigeons in the park We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment Except for the few we take home to experiment My pulse will be quickening with each drop of strickenin We've just take a smidgin' to poison a pigeon in the park Mother herself someday, Billy Maddox.

You've got to see Mama every night or you can't see Mama at all. You've got to kiss Mama, treat her right or she won't be home when you call. Want my company, you can't 50-50 me. You've got to say Mama every night. You can't see Mama at all. Monday night I sat alone. Tuesday night you didn't phone. Wednesday night you didn't call.

The star, you got to see Mama every night. Oh, you can't see Mama at all. Friday night, you dodged my path. Saturday night, you did you. Took a bat. You called on me, but you brought company. Okay. Yeah, okay, give it back now.

You got to kiss Mama. Treat her right, or she won't be. Oh, when you call. I don't want that. If you're driving, don't drink. And if you drink, don't drive. You're good. You should quit all that physics garbage and play piano.

I'll think about it. I'm pregnant. Oh, God. That's terrible news. Thanks, thanks for the sympathy. I'm sorry. What's the appropriate response? Congratulations.

I have no goddamn idea. Did you mean what you said at the top of the show that I was destined to be a bad mother? Yes. Of course I meant it. Thanks. I'm sorry. Look, do you strike me as someone who would make a good mother?

No. But neither would I. Neither would a lot of people, so... So maybe I shouldn't be a jerk about it. Fair enough. I gotta go. You're a strange person, Eva. Keep it up.

Okay, Mom. So, this has been weird. Yes, it has. It was annoying at first, but... I'm a little glad you invaded our privacy tonight. Anytime. We've got a lot to talk about, obviously. But I'm looking forward to it.

Me too. I'm going to get the car. What was your name again? Jeff. Nice to meet you, Jeff. Same here. So, we'll come back some time and update you on how we're doing since you seem so invested. Okay, but restaurants are hard to keep open.

I hope we're still here when you do. She gave me some mandates. That sounds like her. Casper isn't ever allowed to call her. or call her my roommate. That sounds easy enough. Oh, sorry. Casper's my kid.

Yeah, I know. I didn't name him after the cartoon character. I know. Not sure the best way to explain it all to him. I don't think he needs much. Almost everything is a bigger deal in our heads. Yeah. You're good at this.

Do you have a kid? Lucky kid. I gotta go. I'll see you around, Millie. Well, folks, despite our technical. difficulties tonight. It is not stopped St. Louis from being St. Louis. I'm hearing word that local favorite Billy Maddox played a surprise show at a new place in town called the Midnight Cafe. Apparently, Billy didn't even have a piano player when she got there. She pulled someone right up

out of the audience. That's Billy for you. Up next, we've got the Flicks with Saturdays. bringing them out into the parking lot would do something? I don't even know at this point. I'd try electroshock therapy if I thought it would work. Well I guess we just wait for them to come back, but this music is driving me crazy. Sweet freedom. There we go. Gloria, it is not unlike the halls of Nebuchadnezzar. Are there sorceresses about? Sorceresses? Gloria, we are being snared in some sort of a deadfall. What are you talking about? Everything's seems to be going okay, y'all. Well, that is the whole point of a trap now, isn't it?

If it felt like a trap, nobody'd wander into it. This is the madness of Queen Jezebel. Okay, Zeb, calm down. What are they talking about? They think we're in a trap. Trust me, I know what it feels like to be trapped in St. Louis. This isn't a trap. It is possible.

This is all just a coincidence. If it was all on purpose, that would mean... I mean, if we're talking about Clementine... that would mean that she can control where we go. She can't control where we go. And if she could, why would she send us to St. Louis to have a nice time? It doesn't make any sense. Hang on.

Thinking like a criminal for a second. It might make a little sense. Why? Well, if I was going to threaten someone, first, they would need to know that I can follow through with the threat. so I'd show off a little. That is exactly it, life. It is the staff of the pharaoh cast upon the ground. Can we ease up on the severity, everyone?

We're going to need a little more evidence. Yeah, let's take it easy. Let's talk about a problem when we have a problem. Gloria, we've got a problem. Hi, everyone. How was Mother's Day? Everybody stand back. I got about 12 hours of curses built up for you, Clementine.

What was the meaning of all this, Clementine? Everybody relax. I'm not going to rain down hellfire on you. Yes. So this was you? Just a little fun? I just needed to show you what I was capable of. And what are we supposed to do with that?

Just listen. No, you listen to me. You turned a mall full of people into monsters. You made an asteroid appear out of nowhere. Whatever you're doing, you need to stop it. There's a lot of strange things out there, Gloria. How can you be sure it was me? We're sure it was you.

There are infinite timelines out there, and you people are concerned about a mall? A mall and an entire planet, yes. Not to mention whatever else you've done. I haven't done anything. I have had things done to me. Which gives you the right to what exactly? Right. What are you talking about, Gloria?

Are you still talking about your plan? Everyone's got to stick to Gloria's plan, right? You're hurting people. You don't know that. How could you even tell? People are getting hurt every second of every hour of every day. How can you tell the difference between the pain that comes from me or the pain that comes from, I don't know, the universe being full of hurt? I know you've all seen it.

World after world after world of hurt and pain. and loss and you want to stop me. Because that'll stop what? People from being hurt? Oh, wait. I get it now. You people have decided that you're a little band of do-gooters, is that it? Zigzagging around the stars, riding wrongs?

Ridiculous. I'm sure Zebulon has convinced you all that I'm some sort of lost little lamb, right? An injured little dough in the woods. A misguided little kid. You're the ones. who are fooling yourselves. There's no order to things. There are no laws written in the stars.

There's only one thing that rings true to me. I have the power to get what I want, so I'm going to get it. Despite what that may take from others? Don't talk to me about what I take. I could snap my fingers and kill you all. But I'm not here to do that. I'm not here to take anything.

I'm here to give you something. We're not interested. Of course you are. I know because you've all told me exactly what you're interested in. And I can give it all to you. I've shown you here today. I put you in a world where Ava's mom and Casper's moms all live in St. Louis. I put you here. I can put you anywhere I want. Hell, I can put a piano in your dining room. So I'm not here with threats. I'm here with what you want. A world where Laif did. and throw everything away. A world where every scientist in the world listens to Dr. Ava Maddox. I can give you your son back, Casper. You deserve to have him back. You've suffered enough.

You should meet him again. I have. That's enough. And you, Gloria. Well, it could go one of two ways for you. Which will it be? A world where a virus from across the sea didn't take your dream from you, or shall we go deeper? Should we say a world where one night your parents cruised right through that intersection and there was no drunk driver to be found? This is even. I'd make an offer to Effie and Zebulon, but they already have what they want. To be considered human by all of you.

We're not interested. No, no, no, no. You're not supposed to answer me right now, Gloria. You have to sit with it a while. You have to let it eat away at you. You have to sit there and let a better life look you in the eye while all you have to do is say yes. What's happening? Fuck.

I'm going to put you somewhere for a while, give you some time to think. I'll come and get you when I feel like you're ready. I recommend you all figure out how to say yes to me. You don't want to see the alternative. Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Dan Bowman, Casper's number one fan, Stu, Nan McVicker, Rusty Accord, a bug named Nat, Colby Jack, Sparker, Daniel L, Mitzie Lou, Life is Liminal, The Art Sherpum, G Longhorn, Lucrezia, Amy Pollard, Brick Hausdorf, Brick Hausdorf, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Little Ball of Odd, Dr. Punt Gusher Esquire, Chelsea G, Tanya Ricc, Mel Momburg, Cosmic Shrug, Kingpin, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches. Kurt Bartnick.

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And if time and tide roil you too harshly or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you. We open at six. You did not say the mucklewains. Why can't I say mucklewains? Yeah. It's the servant of the pharaoh, Casper. No, sorry, I am fucking all off of the voice.

Hold on a little bit. I'm Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie. All right, I'm going to go back to Casper. All right. Microphone to start with? I'm thinking 15 to 80 kilo-harts. I do great with all the fictional science jump. It's all the real shit where my mouth gets tied up.

Sure. I can do that. I'm thinking 15 to 80 kilohertz mit less. Oh my God. Sure. I know. Hey, shot in Freud.

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