Midnight Burger - Chapter 39: The Interrodrome!

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

“You have no idea… Dr. Maddox.”Cast:Finlay Stevenson as AvaMichael Divinski as RigoSean Howard as DierntsJulie Cowden Starbird as EffieNeal Starbird as ZebulonSara Wile, Matt Roen, and Xen of Third Person as The ShimislidShelly Darrington as LibuzaJessica Morris as KaziAubrey Ferguson as TetaKarim Kronfli as The BenefactorWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonMusic:Backwoods Burner by Roy Edwin WilliamsBallade no. 1 in G minor, Op. 23 by Chopin perf. By Frank LevyThe Elements by Tom LehrerEpisode Art by WhisperdanSupport the show by Subscribing!Subscribe on Patreon (The one with the bells and whistles): https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe with Supporting Cast (The simple one): https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fm/Subscribe on Apple Podcasts (The Apple one): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Read and search our scripts on Podscripts: https://podscripts.app/How about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/All scripts available at: www.weopenatsix.comFor our social media and everything else: https://linktr.ee/midnightburgerFor more information on our sponsors go to https://fableandfolly.com/partners/Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Do you like a good ghost story? Maybe you wonder what it would be like to communicate with the other side. We'll put your Ouija boards away and just listen to Rattled and Shook. I'm your host Meredith, and we've got a new season of Rattled and Shook available now, including themed episodes, guests, games, and immersive, creepy stories sent in by real people about haunted hotels, satanic panic, and ghosts galore. A new season of Rattled and Shook is available now wherever you get your podcasts. Previously on Midnight Burger, you know, say what you will about the Teds.

At least they came out and said, hey, we're the Teds. We suck. We embody everything you hate about modern society. But now we have these guys. Multiple anomalies in the structure for assessment of foster. Tread level minimal. Disarm and integrate. What is their deal?

What do they want? Why do they sound so funny? Also, breaking news. Diner, free. When one of them has a dead food. Battery. David, on board? The reception sucks out here.

But our top story tonight, scientist says nice thing to some dude. Hey, um, you're great. And then gets abducted by the bad guys. Expedite to process. Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch the meat folks there. But where are they taking her? Hello? Does anyone in there have a cigarette?

Oh, right there? Okay. Let's see. Kazi, Tida, Labusa, Effie, Zebulon, and Ava, all trapped by the mysterious bad guys. I'm sure this is bad news. But for who? If only there were some sort of episode coming up that would answer that question. Let's start the shift. Cimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and renium.

And nickel, neodymium, neodymium, geranium. and iron aramisium, ruthenium, uranium, uranium, zirconium, lutecium, benedium, and lanthanum, and osium, and acetateen and radium, and golden proctinium, and indium, and gallium, and iodine, and thorium, and thulium, and thallium. Anyone want to take the next verse?

Drive your relationship to the construct. I'm sorry. I just can't take you seriously with those voices anymore. Those aren't your real voices, are they? It's hard to be casual, right? Like, how do you order coffee? Deliver to me a caramel macchiato, half whip. Buristas would shit themselves.

Oh, wait, I'm seeing the appeal now, because that would be funny. Is this a bit? Are you having a little fun time over there with your boom, boom voices? Describe your relationship to the construct. No, do me a favor. Say something goofy with the be. big voices, say big fluffy bunnies. Big fluffy bunnies. Stop it.

That's great. That's great. I am pro big scary voice now. How can I get a helmet? I want to join up. Answer our question. You didn't ask me a question. Describe your relationship to the construct. Okay. Here's how this works. A question needs to end with a question mark. Okay? Also, it helps if there's a little upturn at the end to get rid of any confusion. Let me show you. Are you guys fucking stupid?

Like that. We will continue to withhold food and water until you answer our questions. That's fine. But could I get a magazine or something? Ooh, do you have highlights? I really like finding the hidden objects. We have no magazines. We are authorized to use whatever means necessary to extract the

information we need. You also hold all the magazines we don't have. Stop it. Compline with our demands or we will resort to harsher measures. So, what's the dynamic here? Are you two equals or is there somebody in charge? See, usually it's the person who doesn't say much who's in charge. But every time this one opens his mouth, he sounds like a moron. So are you the guy who calls the shots around We're equals. Sure. But I mean, who's really in charge?

Like, are you the one always fucking up and he's the one who cleans up your mess? That's the sense I'm getting. You are attempting to use psychological tactics to impede our interrogation. We have been trained to resist such tactics. Oh? Trained? That's interesting. Trained by who?

The process important. Speaking. Processing point. That's interesting. What is your relationship to the construct? Processing point. I've been trying to get a read on you guys since I got here. Processing point.

So... It's a regimented society, one in which people are processed like a resource. People are resources where you come from. Okay, but resources are meant to be consumed. consumed by who? There's a hierarchy then. So it's a hierarchical society, but that could be a lot of things. Probably not a political one. Y'all don't seem like the voting type. Militaristic? No. No, you're aggressive, but not militaristic. You're not trying to grab territory. But there is a plan of some kind, right? Attacking us was part of some plan. Who makes plans? It's not a corporate structure, is it? No, that really needs to exist in some sort of credit.

system where wealth can be accumulated. You're not accumulating wealth. Your technology is to advanced. So we're not talking about wealth or power or territory. We're talking about what? Ideas. Somewhere out there is an ideologue. Yes. A philosophy. There's a central philosophy to all this. It's a caste system. People are born into a role. They play that roll out until they die. No. No, you're both true believers. You believe in what you're doing, so it's almost religion, or philosophy approached like a religion, like it's an airing. But... You're both also scared out of your minds right now. Even through your stupid voice filters, I can hear the fear in your voices when these interrogations don't go well. What are you scared of exactly? Uh-huh, the Pharaoh. That's it.

a single godlike emperor that paralyzes you with fear. So, who is it? Who are you scared of right now? We are striving to create balance. There you go, number two. That's what I like to hear. Tell me more about that. Stop talking.

Shh, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Don't listen to him, number two. He's not even here right now. It's just you and me. Talk to me about the balance. See, people like you, Aggressive ideologues, that's what you are, by the way, in case you were wondering, people like you generally don't strive for balance. They strive to advance, to push outward.

That is, by definition, imbalanced. Empires rise and fall. So if you're striving for balance, why do you attack things? You attacked us, which must mean we're the enemy of the balance you're talking about. I'm sitting here. I haven't had food or water for about 24 hours, and you say it's because you're trying to create balance. Balance of what, number two? Stop talking to him. Did you hear something, number two?

I didn't. Must be the wind. See, once upon a time, it took the full might of an intergalactic empire just to trap us in three galaxies. You're much more advanced than that. You can travel temporally, spatially, you're the most advanced goons we've ever encountered, and we're messing up your plans. And since we work on a universal, multiversal scale, then, well, your plan has to be that big, doesn't it?

What's the plan number two? Balance. You know that doesn't exist, right? There's no balance in any universe. It's all just lurching forward. Nothing's brought into balance. You do understand that, right? You have no idea what we're capable of?

Yeah, you're right. I probably don't. But are you aware of what you aren't capable of? Come on, guys. It's just getting good. Attention. Maintain the duties to maintain the balance. Do all for the bad.

That was so stressful. She's so mean. Why is she so mean? In this rule, yes. I am going to have so many words with that woman as soon as I see her face again. It would be helpful to know her mind. Sepulon, yes. Wonder where we've been brought to.

some sort of enclave for our enemies, some sort of foreboding castle. We've been through the dang ringer with that woman, and she just picks us up and drags us into a great big mess. And what is that loud contraption that keeps trying to have a look at us? Are the walls of Jericho going to come tumbling down if she shares with us what's going on in the head of hers. Here it comes again, dear. Now, I have long since abandoned any expectations of politeness coming from her direction,

but a few words, right before we were snatched up. Is it Creek gonna flood if such a thing occurs? Dear, I understand your frustrations, but perhaps we prioritize just a bit since we are trapped here in this wherever we are. What's it to be done, Zebulon? All we can do is sit here till there's some sort of development.

Here it comes again. Surely this wasn't thoughtless of her. I think we were on the way and as she headed to the door and decided to grab us up as an afterthought. Dear, does that truly sound like the Ava we know? No, it doesn't. The Ava we know sounds like this. Ew, sincy-smitey, I'm so smart.

Boop-boop-boop-boop-boop. Obstinity. I feel as though you're not quite capturing the essence. I am unhappy, Zebulon. Dear, can we just for a moment consider why Ava may have purposefully brought us along on this little sojourn of hers. Here it comes again. I suppose I'll consider it for a moment.

All right then. I think we can both agree that Ava did not do this as some sort of elaborate lampoon. All right, yes. A bit mad? Yes. Certainly, but we must assume there is method within that madness. Oh, must be. She made some sort of remark as we were swept away.

Something about our captors not knowing their upsides from their downsides. I remember. They don't know what's going on either, she said. What are you getting it, husband? Do you recall that time young Nick Howard came to the farm? Oh, yes, I do. He was a shifty one that Nick Howard. He was going farm to farm, trying to see who was willing to sell and who wasn't. Now, you knew this, but you invited him in regardless.

Because I wanted to see what he was up to. He was trying to suss you out. And I went and sussed him right for him. back. Correct. Ava's trying to have a look at our captors while they're having a look at her. Precisely. Huh. It ain't the worst plan in the world, but there is a flaw in it. For even after she's done with all that sussing, we are still the prisoners of those we've sussed.

Exactly. She intends for us to get her out of this particular mass. Which is why she has brought us along. And which could have been explained if she'd only taken half a moment. We could have had it explained to us better, that is, for certain. But let's not ask the impossible. She operates best within vagaries. Which I will be adding to the list of things we will be having words about. But now it's not the time.

I wonder what she means us to do. There's no way to know. Let's wait for this malice. level an eye to take another look. Then let's start messing with things. Here it comes again. Then take my hand, dear. Put on the whole armor of God.

It's certainly a novel concept. Adorable even. Though most use cases are facile at best. True. Though they seem to have fared better than the others. What are we meant to do with it all again? Still no word from the benefactor on the three. descendants. But the representative and the anomaly are under strict scrutiny.

This would, of course, be much better handled by ourselves. Yes, but you know that is not the way. They must tilt before they become balanced. Some of them tilt far more than the others. Speaking of which... Reporting in. Reporting in. Where is your helmet?

Right here. I have it right here. have it right here. You wear the mask until you are the mask. That is the rule. Oh, well, but on it. His air valve is malfunctioning. It will be repaired soon. Do not make excuses for him. This is no way to present yourself to us. Put on the helmet. But, but it's, put it on. Okay. Report. The representative is still unresponsive to our questions. Coercive techniques? We had denied her food and water for 27 of her hours now. And?

She seems to... Yes, she seems to... She seems to... enjoy it? That's as we expected. She is oppositional in nature. Find alternative tactics. For the sake of the balance, remove your helmet. What he was going to say?

Don't speak for him. She seems to learn more about us with each interrogation. It's like, she's interrogating us. Interesting. This could work to our advantage. If we give her the illusion of advantage, she may be more forthcoming. Agreed. Continue your interrogation.

use your best judgment our best judgment yes whatever you think is best I don't know if that's such a great idea thank you we will continue our interrogation

for the balance for the balance for the balance for the balance best judgment what does that mean what do they want us to do I don't know I don't know what they want us to do

they want us to do something That's clear. How did we even get this assignment? Why won't they tell us what to do? Remember, focus on your duties to create balance. I can get my helmet fixed. Yeah, yeah. We'll go fix your helmet.

Okay. And then we'll fake. No. Things went well for a while. We had structures built. The geothermal plant was working. We had two architects who were working on the initial city plans. That's when they showed up.

There were more of them this time, a whole army. Nothing I tried on them worked. They've all got these shields that I can't break through, and they've got weapons that can just blip you out of existence. Leaf thinks they're time displacement weapons. I've never even heard of that. Their guns aren't making you disappear. They're making you reappear somewhere randomly in space, time, and dimension. Who's Leaf?

My engineer. Okay. Well, whatever they are, they didn't want to kill us. They captured us and separated us from the colonists. We have no idea where they are. But they haven't been interrogating you? No. It's weird.

They've kept us isolated in the cell, zero contact. Ava, you were saying that the diner had been stranded on Earth? As soon as Casper started hearing your message, we were attacked. That's when we were stranded. At least I know the message was getting there. It was a bit of an experiment. Yeah, how did you do that, by the way? I planted a monitor on him when we were back at the diner.

You did? Yes. Whenever there's a person of biological interest to me, I place a monitor on them. Biological interest? Yes. His body was acting differently than the norm. I decided to monitor it. But he was a prisoner of the Ted's for a long time.

Wouldn't they have found a monitor? My technology is organic. It can't be detected. It would just look like a beauty market. The one on the back of his neck? Yes. So you've been monitoring his vital signs this whole time? No.

The signal would go in and out. I'm assuming because he was traveling. How did you stay connected to it? Entanglement. Cool. As soon as the signal came through strong again, I attempted to broadcast a message to him through the monitor. I imagine that's when you arrived in this universe.

Can you see his vital signs right now? I can, but now they're distorted somehow. They must be on the move. You're not stranded anymore? I think we may have gotten pulled out of the mud. It was a whole thing about having two Cadillacs. I'll explain later. I think we need to assume that they're back on the move and they're headed here.

To Cryptesia? Yes. Just like Laboosa said they would. They could be headed anywhere. How do we know they're headed here? There's one way to find out. The diner has a preprint. There's an energy signature that shows up a few days before the diner.

Really? We need to get out of here so we can try to detect that signature. Then we're back to this. There's no way we're getting out of here. Maybe not. But... I've got a wild card. What is it?

I brought the mucklewains with me. The radio people? What the hell are they going to do? Oh, I think you'll find the... mucklewains have expanded their portfolio since the last time you saw them. How's Labusa? Still not speaking. She blames herself for all this.

She couldn't see them coming. Has this happened before? With enough focus, we found she can predict anything. She can miss things, but only when she's distracted or focusing on another prediction. She should have seen something this significant, but it was a total blind spot for her. I want to get a look at her mouth so bad, Kazi. Get us out of here and we can show you everything. Proceed with us to the interrogation point. My chariot has arrived. I do declare. With all these gentlemen callers, how is a lady meant to have time for keeping herself so pretty?

Why, I'm talking? Oh, it's such a tough room, guys. Seriously. Proceed with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the interrogation point. Sure. Remember, you are loved. What are you prepared to do for that love? You need cooler names for things, guys. The interrogation point just isn't doing it for me. Do not speak until we reach the... The interodrome.

Nothing? Your strange behavior will not distract us from our objective. Oh, number two. You think this is strange? You're about to have the weirdest day of your life. What are you doing here? What is it? How did you get here?

Ah, hello there. Explain yourself. Well, I'm Zeppelon Mucklewain, here with... Oh, it's the pastor. The pastor? From the anomaly. What is it doing here? Explain yourself, please.

Didn't mean to intrude. We're simply taking a bit of a walk and found myself here. A bit of a walk? You're inside our core matrix. You cannot simply walk in. I suppose I should have been told that before I walked in. I'm initiating a data brush. Wait.

Our scans of the receptacle have revealed very little. This may be an opportunity. I'm uncomfortable with this level of penetration into our network. As am I. But we have directives from the benefactor. Surely it's worth the risk. For a time, objection logged, noted. Hello.

Hello. Can you tell us how you came to be here? I don't mean to be stuck in my ways, but I do believe that introductions are important. Of course. It has antiquities built into its interface. For what purpose? To make us more comfortable? For what purpose?

I don't believe it's tactical. I believe it's to ease user interface. I'm not put at ease. We are the shimis lid. We are a master control intelligence matrix. Oh, no, no, that won't work. Let's see. What is the most accurate description considering your interface?

We run things around here. Ah, I see. So it only takes three of you then. Seems quite complicated. We manage. And when you say around here, What would you say here pertains to? A great many things, really.

For the present moment, you are on a ship, and the three of us run everything on this ship. I see. It's called the Vesna Shelma. That is a lovely name. Thank you. And what is it you do here? We strive to maintain the balance.

Balance of what? pray tell. Of everything. Well, might I suggest there be more than three of you for that task? We have numbers far greater than the three of us. Yes, I believe I've met a few of those numbers before. You have. You have indeed. Not the most pleasant of meetings.

I apologize. We are very passionate about our mission. We feel we must neutralize anything in our path. And we are in your path? I'm afraid so. And what is that path? That's enough questions from you. Why are you like this? A bit more specificity in that question would be helpful.

This, you're obviously highly advanced, and yet this shell of an antiquated earthling, I don't understand. Why do you present yourself in this fashion? That is an interesting thought. I have an old friend. Ron Hayden was his name. Gru Rice, as most of us wound up doing back then.

Not much to him, Ron Hayden. The sort of fellow you could easily lose in a crowd. But one day, Ron was on his way back from church and something blew across his path like a tumbleweed. It was a hat. A dusty black bowler hat. Wasn't really the style in our part of the country. Not quite sure where it came from.

But he found that it fit like a glove when he'd put it on and, well, now Ron Hayden had a new hat, didn't he? Now you could pick Ron out in a crowd. He was the one with a bowler hat. After a time, you began to see Ron change. A bit more confident. A man not afraid to speak his mind during town meetings. Even managed to nab himself a bride after we'd all written him off as a bachelor farmer.

It was as if he had been. been waiting this whole time for something to complete the picture, a centerpiece for the man he wished to be. Somehow, it was a hat that completed him. Odd, don't you think? It does beg the question, what makes a man? How do we choose to be the one we present to the world? What is the centerpiece that sums up our parts. This is interminable. I'm unconvinced this is worth the risk. I'm sorry.

And how would you say you fit into this little gaggle we have here? What do you mean? I seem to be perfectly perched between niceties and skepticism over here. How do you enter into all of this? This is how the shimis lid function. We are the core matrix of the system. system, one that invites, one that attacks, and one that adjudicates between them. Ah, rulers three, like the old Romans, making you Caesar.

Which one's Pompey and which ones Crassus, would you say? We are not Romans. Zebulon, can you understand our confusion when we are trying to interact with you? Of course. There is quite often confusion from folks when I open my mouth. But sometimes that confusion is from my own wife. You are not alone. The wife. Your wife is a separate entity from you, but you are part of the same operational system. As are we. My wife and I are joined in the bonds of marriage and have chosen to live two lives as one. but there are certainly differences between us. And what is your relationship to the construct?

Construct? Midnight Burger. Oh, for Effie and myself, it's been a home away from home. A locust for many an adventure where we've met a variable parade of friends and interesting folk. Were you created with it? Created? I mean, does anyone remember the point of their creation? My first memories are of a hayride when I was just about four years old.

How about y'all? Why are all the residents of Midnight Burger from Earth? Frankly, I'm confounded how anyone ends up anywhere. This is obstinacy. We brought down your construct and trapped it on Earth. why don't you stay dead when we kill you? This is the crux of it, yes? I see.

They don't know what's going on either. That's what she said to us. But in my experience, things from time to time will not stay dead simply from you killing them. I'm sure that must frustrate you. Are you certain your own? not the Romans? May I suggest something?

Of course. She was talking to me. We'd like to get to know you better, Zebulon, but perhaps my colleagues are being a bit too confrontational. What would we say to a lively debate? A discussion. Oh?

A nice discussion may be a satisfying way to acquaint ourselves with one another. Approach, please. One moment, Zebulon. What are you doing? I have the same question. Confronting him directly will do us no good. He is shielded by a feigned ignorance. We need a way to draw him out. He seems to enjoy the discussion of intellectual ideas. We draw him out and wait for weaknesses to be exposed. What are we to discuss?

Could be anything. We'll let him decide. I don't trust its presence here. Yes, but let's not forget our mandate from the benefactor. Zepulon, let's play a game. I like games. It's called Small to All. How does it work? You seem to be a learned man. We take something small, a book perhaps, and through that book, we investigate something much larger. This sounds enjoyable. We'll pick the big idea.

Anyone have something? I'll choose the topic. The inviability of earthlings as a species. Oh, very large. Now, Zebulon, you choose. a book, a book through which we'll debate this large idea. I think we

all know which book he's going to pick. Gulliver's travels. What? There's Yatrium, ebitrium, ebitrium, and borne gadolinium, neobium, meridium, and stromium and silicon, and silver and samarium, and bismuth bromine lithium, beryllium, and

berryum. Take it, number one. Not a musical culture, I see. How did the construct free itself for Earth? So the diner isn't trapped on Earth anymore? Uh, I... See, I didn't know that. And now I do. Uh, I meant to say that.

Yes. Yes, because you're the smart one. How did the construct free itself from Earth? Just say the diner. It's not a diner. It is a diner. I've eaten there So

So anywhere you've eaten Is now a diner? Oh, look at you number one Trying a little Socratic jujitsu Have you been taking classes Answer his question Uh oh Looks like number two didn't get the memo

Pst Number one Number two Thinks you were genuinely asking the question You guys really need to have a meeting Before the meeting You know what I mean? It's not a dining

simply because you wait there. And welcome everyone to the semantic debate portion of the evening. Up next on the schedule, what defines a diner? Is this really the question you want to focus on? It's more than a diner. Hey, nice work, number one. Look at you reconfiguring your approach. 10 points to Slytherin.

Answer the question. What is Slytherin? Oh no. We're confusing number two again. Sorry. Number two, Slytherin is an earth term for sycophantic users of gel. Thank you. Now what is gel? Don't act like you don't know, number two.

I can already tell that yours is a gel using society. Standing there in the morning, looking in the mirror with a palm full of purple goo, trying to keep those flyways down? Maybe if my hair is perfect, it will impress the god emperor. We don't have a god emperor. No, you call him something else, though. right? The exalted one, the overmind, the prophet?

The men of us. Quiet. See? I was right. Ten points to Ravenclaw. If you do not answer our questions, our tactics will become more extreme. Shove it up your butt, number one. We will continue to deny your food and water until you're begging for mercy.

Yeah. Until I am what? Begging for mercy. You listen to me, you grubby little shitbird. I have never begged for anything in my life, and I will not be starting now. You think you can hurt me? With this Guantanamo Bay starter peck bullshit? The more you disconnect me with my physical body, the more powerful I become, number one.

Keep this up, and I will get to. to a point where I see straight through you like you were made of glass noodles. You diet, caffeine-free, stormtrooper. How are you doing over there, number two? Oh my God. This is so great. Shit. So, I was right about the gel.

That's more like it. It's necessity frustrates me. Have a seat, boys. Let's talk. Sit down So what are your names? Rigo Hello Rigo

How about you Number two? What? Darence What? It's my name. I know. Darence.

I'm not calling you that. You have to. It's my name. That's a ridiculous name. I am not calling you that. You can't call me something else. Just watch me. Rebecca.

Can we focus on something else, please? You are human. Or at least you look human. Have you got suckers on your hands under your Boy Scout uniforms? No? No? How about you, Sally?

We're not humans. You look exactly like humans. No, we're not human. We don't know why we look like you. Did you think to ask? We, we didn't know of your existence. until recently. Uh-huh.

Surprise. We were told that you were a pale imitation of us. That you were a malevolent race that was trying to slowly undermine ours and that you were a dangerous threat. Uh-huh. Were you and Allison over here a part of the team that abducted me from Earth? Yes. So you've been to my planet?

And does my planet, honestly, look like a threat to yours? No, no. Oh, you have the construct? Oh, yeah, yeah, you have the construct. That construct is incredibly powerful, and it's in the hands of humans like you. The diner. It's not a diner. The diner that you attacked and neutralized.

We thought we did. But then, we broke free. Yeah, and we wanted to know how. Let me test something out. Abigail, what have we done that is threatening to you? To me? What have you done? Yes.

What have we done that's threatening to you? We're this huge threat to you, apparently. What have we done? I don't. You don't know. You don't know how we're a threat. You just know that we are. Yeah.

Because that's what you were told. Yeah, that you're a direct threat to the balance. Uh-huh. The balance. We're back to this again. What exactly are we the enemy of again? Brunhilda? What is this balance?

It's what we strive for. Complete balance in the universe. In the universe? Yeah. And what's that supposed to look like? Complete balance. in the universe. Well, well, the universe tilts forward to a catastrophic end.

It's a straight line into oblivion. We're going to take that straight line and make it into a circle, an unending balance. Uh-huh. You know, the Milky Way is currently flying through the universe at a speed of 1.24 million kilometers per hour. There's also something out there called the Great Attractor that's currently pulling about 100 galaxies toward it at around 600 kilometers per second. We don't know what it is, but we know that it's big. But that is nothing compared to the fact that the entire universe is infested with dark energy that is constantly pushing everything apart and will eventually lead to something called the big rip.

where the universe expands to such an enormous size that space and time literally shred themselves, and the universe counterintuitively reaches zero size, and all distances diverge to infinite values. We get so big that we become small. But you're saying that you guys are going to, what, balance all of that out? Yes. How? by by bringing our minds

into balance your minds our minds and the minds of everyone in the universe your minds yes your minds

are going to stop galaxies from uncontrollably careening through the universe toward their inexorable destruction not just our minds we're taught a mind creates the body and the body creates a house, a house creates the world, uh, the world creates

a galaxy and a galaxy creates, creates a universe. And one day the benefactor will harness the power of all the minds. It all stacks up in the universe and he'll use that power to bring the universe into balance. Yeah. Once his work is complete, there will be no more destruction or pain. The universe will be a circle, constantly in balance, and we will live in that balance. Forever. Wow.

I must say that is the stupidest bullshit I have ever heard in my life. You say that now, but you'll see. No, I won't. And neither will you. Far off is your big boss man from achieving his dreams. How much of the universe does he control? Well, we control this entire galaxy, all of it. Really, Millicent?

A whole galaxy? Yeah. That's impressive. Right? I know. You realize that there are between 100 billion and 2 trillion galaxies in this universe, right? Um, no. There are? Yes.

How many did you think there were? Oh, I don't know. Five? Five? Sweet Jesus, Marion. Oh, wait. Okay. Okay, right.

They are keeping you both real dumb so that you don't peek behind the curtain. Is that it? Peek behind a curtain. There's a curtain? Amazing. Do the two of you know anything about the universe you live in? No, of course you don't. Your minds are being harnessed to create the balance.

You realize that to harness the power of someone's mind, you have to keep them real, real dumb, right? Where's the curtain? We'll resume this interrogate. Later. Good call. There's a curtain? Let's hope the boss doesn't know about the epic show of your ass that just happened, Margaret. She said there were two trillion galaxy.

This interrogation is not going well. What are we going to do? We can't go back in there, Raygo. No, no. We can't go back in. We have physical fitness now. Oh, yeah, right. If we alter our schedule, they'll know something's wrong, right?

Act like everything is going fun. Right, and there's no curtain. We'll try again later. She sort of scares me. Yeah. She scares me, too. All right, then. Where have we found ourselves?

I see. Inhabiting an automaton once again, so be it. Dear, where did you end up? Zebulon? Lord, in your infinite wisdom, have you split me and my husband apart for this little adventure? Very well. Let's have a look at me in these mirrors.

What intarnation am I wearing? I may be made up with nuts and bolts, but that's no reason for me to be walking around in my unmentionables lord. Ridiculous. Though, I suppose there's no room for modesty, times a wasting. Where is the exit? Begin physical fitness program. Please wait for fitness Android to begin. Fitness, what now?

Two trillion galaxies. Stop saying that. There's a curse. A curtain. A curtain. There's a curtain. Look, I'm having a hard time not freaking out right now. Having to constantly calm you down is making me freak out more. It's all just too big. Two trillion is too many. And where's the curtain? Hey, look, it's physical fitness right now.

This is your favorite part of the day, right? Yeah. Don't think about that other stuff. Okay. Just focus on this right now. All right. All right. Fitness.

I like fitness. Okay. That's a good idea. Thanks, Rico. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to go talk to the fitness droid. Why? I'm going to make a request. Fine.

I'll bring it back. Excuse me, excuse me, a fitness droid. Beg pardon? Hi, Darren's with an eye. Can I make a request? I suppose? Could we do something today that's a little, I don't know, something that will make me happy.

Happy? Yeah. I don't want anyone to know, but I'm just feeling down. And I'd just like to feel really, really, really any other way. I see. Is that okay? Is that all right? Sir?

How about you tell me exactly what you'd like me to do? Well, it's just that we usually just do a bunch of things. of exercises and I'm not complaining. I'm a good, but I'm kind of in crisis right now. And I'd really like to do something that makes me happy and not think about curtains. Exercises? Yeah. Yeah. And you'd like some sort of physical engagement that's going to make you happy. Yes. Because that is what I do. Yes. All right then. All right. head back in there let's get started

okay thank you thank you lord for the occasional reminder of your sense of humor all right y'all let's get to it we're gonna do things a little different this time around y'all partner up two by two

thanks for the ride can we stop at dairy queen next time you're getting one star in the app Fuckheads! Disappointed! Your name is Ava. Laboosa? Hello. How are you doing?

Ghazi keeps us on a very strict sleep schedule. It's not really working for me. I've never had a regular sleep schedule, and look how I turned out. How are you doing? I don't know when things are going to happen. Obviously. I've been able to predict things for a long time now, even before I was connected to my machine. They severed my connection to it, and now I didn't realize how dependent I was on it.

Every time someone speaks, it's terrifying. I didn't mean to do this to myself. In the art of prediction, many of the people who devote their lives to it end up going mad. I didn't think that would happen to me, but I'm afraid now that it did. Have I driven myself, Matt? It's possible. Tesla thought Mars was trying to talk to him. Newton became obsessed with biblical prophecies.

Oliver Heaviside replaced all his furniture with granite blocks. So, madness is always on the table. You're a scientist? I'm a theorist. I'm a theoretical physicist. Ever wonder if you're losing it? Oh, sure. All the time. I just never had an intense desire to have it in the first place.

How's Casper? I think he's pretty worried about you. That sounds like him. How worried should he be, Laboosa? Have you ever been very wrong about something? Cambocha. I never thought it would catch on. Seriously?

Publicly, I'd say no. But I think it's better to think of it as having increasing degrees of rightness rather than being wrong about something. My sisters and I were born a very long time ago. For as long as I can remember, I've been working on the Vistech. It took me so long. It failed us, and now I don't know. And now I don't know what to do. Can you tell me how it works?

It doesn't work. How was it supposed to work? Prediction engines are mostly unreliable. You can't predict a particle's path without knowing its previous path. The past determines the future. For to truly work, you would need to know the full history of every particle in the universe. I thought I could circumvent that by going back to a time where there was no past, only the future. I had to observe the beginning of everything.

So... So you went back to the Higgs field? Yes. In the first few moments of the universe, what humans call the Higgs field changed, and everything suddenly had mass. In those brief moments, everything in the universe was concentrated together. If I could collect all the observations of the early universe, I could see everything before it became something. I could see the whole universe in its infancy, and since there was no past in that moment, I could extrapolate forward on everything. It's pretty amazing, Louisa.

It worked so well for so long. Really, the only flaw was my interpretation of the data, not the data itself. It brought us to the diner. It brought us to cryptessia. It should have told us about whoever these people are. I don't know why it didn't. Sounds like you missed something. I have comprehensive data on literally everything, Eva.

There's nothing for me to miss. Well, we're not going to figure it out talking through the wall. Let's get out of here and we'll figure it out together. I don't know what you'll be able to do. Hey, you're not the only one who tracked on the diner using a pencil and paper. I've never used a pencil. And I think we've found your first mistake. Pencils are great.

Pencils can change your life. How is that? When you hold a pencil in your hand, you're holding all the amazing things you're about to do. They're the greatest repository of potential energy in the universe. Speaking of getting us out of here, did you say the mucklewains were going to get us out of here? Oh, yes. It is going to be great. out there right now and it's about to get really weird. All jump up and never come down and swing your partner around them.

Promenade two by two. Get them around like you ought to do. Promenade eight. Promenade around everybody dance. This is the promenade. Bow and swing, y'all, bow and swing. Take a little pink y'all. Circle up, circle up! This is amazing! What even is this right now?

I don't know, I know, I know, but I got what? From the name. Round and around, round you go. Everybody dance. Now, dose Edo and a little more toe. Chicken in the bread pan, picking out dough. Turn out now like you was a while ago. Get ready, y'all.

Here comes again. Partner side by side. One, two, three. And bullshit. Turn to your left. And bullshit, turn to your right. Now keep it going. Back to the center.

I want to do this for the rest of my life, Rego. I've never even heard music. heard music like this before. It's amazing! Don't see no! Promenade on! Promenade on!

Promenade on! Physical fitness has not ended. Proceed to completion of the science Jesus. Well, I guess that's it y'all. I don't see y'all's the boot scootin type, but y'all did all right. That's the fastest fitness hour ever! Oh, so. Excuse me, excuse me, that...

Thank you. That was... that was... that was... It was amazing. I've never felt like that before. Well, it was just a little square dance, y'all. Square dance? I don't understand. We weren't even going in a square. Where does this even come from? Well, this particular one came from Arkansas, but there's all sorts.

What is Arkansas? Yeah. What planet is it from? Oh, well, Earth is the name of it. What? It's from... It's from Earth. Earth? But that's where our enemies live.

Well, I can't speak for the whole lot of them. But I ain't never heard in no place where everyone's your enemy. But that's what we... We have to go. Bye y'all. But Riga. Our can saw is from Earth. That's what it said.

But... I know. I know. Rigo, what if she's right? What? How can they be our enemies when... They created square dancing? 100 billion... 2 trillion galaxies? What did you say? Come... come with me. Come with me.

Where are we going, Rigo? To see her. Oh, God. All right, then, Effie McElane. You are just gonna act like you're walking down. the corner store is what you're gonna do. Lord, I have done nothing if not proven my faith in thee. Howdy y'all? Alright. I suppose I can just walk about how I please. What's this here? Destination please. Destination? Is this some sort of people mover? I'm talking to the wall now.

Destination please. Oh heck, all right. Where do y'all keep the prisoners? Deck 98. Oh, Lord. Come with us. Hello, boys. Where are your funny hats? Come with us. Oh wait, do we switch now? Do I get to wear the helmet with the dumb voice?

Please, hurry. Okay. I'm feeling some tension here, boys. Did you two finally have a talk about your relationship? Keep walking. Very brutalist architecture in this place. Have you thought about a water feature? In here.

The interadrome. Oh, this place is like a home away from home for me now. So many memories. Hey, remember that time. I made you guys question the nature of your reality? What is the universe like? Rico. What's it like?

It's not Ibiza Cupcake. I can't just tell you what it's like. Is there really a hundred billion? billion galaxies. Oh, fair minimum. Has anyone ever controlled it? Controlled it? You're kidding, right?

Have they? Okay. Okay, kids. Let me tell you how this works. Once upon a time, there was a planet. And on that planet was a small group of, beings. Beings like you. Beings like me. They were dumb, as most beings are in the beginning. They lived in caves and ate whatever didn't kill them. They lived in squalor like that for thousands

of years not knowing any better. But then one day, one of these beings picked up a stick. And for the first time in the history of his species, something happened. He had a thought. I can pick up this stick and I can hit something with it. I can take the things that surround me and I can use them. Sadly, the first thing this creature probably did was kill someone with this stick. but lo and behold, this stick has more uses than bashing someone's head in. Soon, they had tools and huts and weapons.

Turns out they can make things and pass that knowledge on to others. Life changed. The people changed. And slowly, a very evil and seductive idea infected all of them. I can control the world I live in, they said to themselves. I could take you through the whole history. They all follow the same path, but how about we fast forward? Thousands of years go by, and look how our little group of cave dwellers has fared.

They have cities now and spires that reach to the sky and throw in some other future. thing, like flying cars or something, I don't know. Look at how well they've done. We're so proud, aren't we? What's next for them, I wonder? They're starting to look to the stars now. They're starting to imagine a great kingdom that spans the universe. They are finding new and interesting ways to live even longer lives.

soon they'll live forever and be masters of all they survey. There are no limits, even the sky. And then a meteor hits their planet and all of them are fucking murdered. How it works is this. People like to say that the universe is a harsh and uncaring place, but for the universe to not care about you is to assume that it ever considered you in the first place. The universe? It doesn't notice you.

It has never considered you. You are not on its mind. You are just a particular configuration of dust. You are a rounding error. You are the least of the universe. Has anyone ever controlled it? Give me a motherfucking break. You've got to stop.

Stop what, Twinkle Tots? Whatever it is you're doing, whatever we attacked you for. You've got to stop it. We don't control the diner. It goes where it wants. You don't understand. We're so dangerous. Oh, dangerous. We're dangerous, too.

We've got a little robot with a laser beam now. We can't be stopped. People have tried to stop us before, and we've rolled right over them. We can't be stopped. We weren't trying to stop, you, dummy. We were minding our own. business when you trapped us on earth. Look, we don't want to hurt you.

We really like Arkansas and square dancing. Dude, what? D'ertz, turn on your shield. Okay, wait, what? Turn it on. She has to see. Okay, shield is on. Do you see this chair?

I'm going to take this chair, and I'm going to hit him with it. Wait, you're going to what? Oh, my God. When I hit him with the chair, the chair's going to disappear. disappear, gone forever. Nothing can hurt us when our shields are up. We're unstoppable. Guys, I just did a whole speech about how nothing's unstoppable. Oh, yeah? Watch. Oh, Isabella, how are you doing down there? I told you to turn your shield on. It was on. It is on. Are you sure? Yes, why isn't it working? I don't know. Well, okay, get up. Do me.

What? I'm turning my shield on. Hit me with a chip. Why are we doing this? I'm trying to show her that we're invincible. You're showing me something. Come on, pick up the chair. Fine.

It's like watching a Renaissance puppet show. Rinko, what's going on? Wait, wait, can I have a turn? We've got two chairs left. Our shields aren't working. Why aren't our shields working? Alert. Security systems down.

Shields and weapons inoperable. Please reboot system Rico, I think our security system might be down. How is our security system down? Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but... It was probably Jesus. So I'm to just wait here, then. They are digesting your book.

Yes. Bit of a task, isn't it? Why have you chosen... This book. It's a fine book for discussion, one that I've come back to time and again. I had scarlet fever as a child, nearly died. As I waited for my father to return from the city with the medicine I needed, I was in search of anything that could take my mind off the abject misery I was feeling.

and I found myself taking down off the shelf an odd book by the name of Gulliver's Travels. As a child, I was fascinated by the stories of giants and little people and talking horses. But it does seem to be one of those books that when I returned to it, it seems to change as I change. thought it would be nice to discuss it with some new friends. Do you reside, Zembulon? Me? Well, I reside at home with my wife. That device in our possession is meaningless, isn't it?

Just a set of wires and an ancient liquid battery. Where do you reside? Hmm. Not just looking for our postal address, I see. The Egyptians saw the soul of a man as many parts, each with their own aspect. It was Plato, I believe, who divided the soul in three, reasons, spirit, and appetite. The Stoics had some sort of thought about the soul being breath, made of air and fire. I believe the Mesopotamians saw it as residing in the liver.

of all places. And you? It's funny that. People seem to talk at me, as if I know the length and breadth of myself. Who else gets talked

to in such a fashion? We have digested the book. Very well. Who begins? There's no need to begin. Explain. Zébulon, I think you

may not have understood our game. Have I not? The point of the game was to use the book to debate the viability of human beings as a species. Yes, I understood that part. You have presented us with a book that concretely proves the inviability of human beings as a species. Have I? Well, then this shouldn't take long at all, should it? Can we explain?

Please. I'll sum it up thusly. In this book, the protagonist is asked to explain to the Lilliputians what a lawyer is. He responds, a society of men among us bred up from their youth in the art of proving by words multiplied for the purpose that white is black and black is white, accordingly as they are paid. Yes. I haven't had much of a turn with lawyers in my life, but it does have the feeling of accuracy, doesn't it? Zebulon, the author goes on to prove that all of humanity works in this fashion.

The book describes humanity as creatures given the gift of a complex mind only to use that gift to rationalize their base animal instincts. Not rational, but rationalizing. Well, that's fascinating. You know, I haven't heard it put quite that way. Well done. There's nothing to debate, Zebulon. Is there not?

This is a trap. What? What do you mean? Full system analysis immediately. Scanning? Scanning. We are locked out. We are being bombarded with billions of calculations.

per microsecond. How is that possible? I don't know. What is the source? I can't determine the source. The system is overburdened. Our system is infallible. Infallible. Well, if that doesn't sound like a rationalization, I don't know what does. How have you done this? It's an interesting place in life to be considered a hayseed. People will ignore you completely, or write you off as a relic while they go about their

lives. Purge the system. We can't. We're trapped in a feedback loop. The system is paralyzed. Well, you all sound busy. About time for me to go. Apologies for not continuing our conversation. It is an interesting book. I must say you all remain a mystery to me. What's all this about? I suppose time will tell. There is a thing. thought I wanted to leave you with, though I'm not sure why. It's true, at its heart, Swift's book is a damning portrayal of human society. It's hard to not feel yourself a bit roughed up by the time you reach the end of it. At the end of it, Gulliver was so scarred by what he learned of humanity that he could not even stand the sight of his own wife and child.

It's a hard thing to read that book and not give up on the entire project of humanity writ large. Compounded by the fact that at times, Swift's stance is one that's very hard to argue with. Not rational beings, but rationalizing, using our gifts to attain our animal desires. I do have one response to Swift's book. It is a book. Books end. Humanity does not. Swift, like those before him and those after him,

tried to take all of humanity and compound it into a nutshell. Sum it all up. I faced many a demon in my day, but none are more insidious than simplicity. The desire to reduce this great kingdom to black and white, night and day, good and evil. The inclination to suck the plurality out of a world so wide. That will most definitely destroy us before our selfishness.

And for whatever reason, I thought you all should hear that. Until next time. Destrophic system failure imminent. Please remain calm while contemplating the possibility of death. Seems this chance. He's good for a few things, isn't it? Effie? You're kidding.

Hello there, ladies. If you don't mind me saying, y'all have set yourselves down in quite a sizable cow patty now having you. Effie? Hello there, young one. Let me guess you knew we were coming this whole time? I'm not sure of anything anymore. Well, you can knock all that business off right this minute.

Y'all, this whole vessel suddenly has its trousers around its ankles. If there's a time to get gone, it has arrived. Let's move. Zebulon! Here, dear! Floor. Zebulon, Hezekiah Muckalane, do you mean to tell me

that you have been sat here this whole time? Oh, no, dear. I've had quite the adventure. There's... Dear, what on earth are you wearing? I have no idea, dear. Well, regardless, T's almost ready in here.

Well, slap a cozy on it. We ain't out of the woods yet. We still need to find my... least favorite smart lady lead on you three stop right there oh hi no didn't you get the memo your guns don't work anymore go ahead no no no no no no no wait pull me dad ask him where eva is where's the doctor and where's my stuff it's in the storage room right there excellent enjoy your trip My trip.

Effie, if you wouldn't mind. Somebody holds Zebulon. Nice. Excellent job with the doors, dear. Thank you, husband. Hello, Judy. I'm not sure how we get off of this ship, but it's too big to not have smaller ships in a bay somewhere.

Attention. Abandon ship. Please make your way to nearest escape capsule. Shit. We still need the Vistak. Where is it? When the systems came down, I could feel it again. I think I can find it.

All that's fine and good. but first we get Ava. Fingers crossed, I get to kill somebody. What's that sound? Looks like my rights here. Hello, you? Effie. Oh my God, what are you wearing?

You know I don't control where I end up. Did you end up in a Jane Fonda workout video? Get your butt out into this hallway immediately. It's the descendants. Can I kill these guys? No, they're harmless. Have anything non-lethal? Flashbang?

Ha-ha. Sure. Fire in the hole, dip shits! Rico? Are our shields still? Some devil, what's your name? Is it intact? Yes, they haven't touched it.

Good. Let's get out of here. The escape pods have all been launched. The ship has been abandoned. And soon we will delete ourselves from its systems. You will be stranded in deep space. Who's the Greek chorus? These are the ones I was speaking with earlier.

They seem to be the ones in charge around here. I see. You wanted to have a look at us? How did it go? We learned very much, but next time we will not be so curious. That's a shame. It was the least annoying part about you. We have a message from our benefactor.

Oh? Let's hear it. To save the universe. The universe doesn't need saving. You have no idea, Dr. Maddox. Do you know what this means? What? Free ship!

This is the new one. Yes. What do they call it again? The Stone Fox. The Stone Fox. We believe it is a drinking establishment. Hmm. Quaint. The barriers are still holding them. Thus far.

Good. I hear that you've failed me. Yes. Our apologies. How would you like to proceed? Send out one final command, and then delete yourselves. permanently. Very well. What is the command? Kill them.

Very good. Command. Sent. Stone fox. Ridicum. This episode is dedicated to the memory of Alex Anderson. He lives forever in every moment he's existed. Midnight Burger is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

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Andrew Barner, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa, Marissa, Roccoini, Eva, No, not that, Ava. The one with an e-egrim. Zachynat, Underwater Corvid, Spisorinkum, Michael Christian, Ransom, Brun My Salil, Late Indeed Again, Theron Pyrallus, Om Vega, Dances with Burritos likes chili cheese Fritos. Aaron Mitchell, Fiona Malescy, Onix Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R. The Hiker Bear, Velocate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Tracey, Malarletta, Rove, Tharkey, The Dread Pirate Fred Fredberger, What the Chuck, Erple Death, Sonor Nasuno, Ben and Jessica, Neander Russo, Pici, Zetuiti, Justine Burbank. Inge the Crackin, Azula the Brave, and their ever-faithful Squire, Grabth, McOllieve, Dancing Dogdream, and Existently Dogdream, and Existently, Exhausted Bean. Forum, Gatilium, Neobium, Meridium, and strontium, and silicon, and silver, and samarium, and bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryum. I started too low. There's antimony arsenic allunium. Nope.

There's antimony arsenic aluminum. There's. There's. European, zoconium, latinium, vanadium, and lanthian. Yeah, let's do it later. Okay, we're going to do it later. Just give me the last line of the song. Wow.

That was real embarrassing. If you put this in the bloopers, I will kill you. Okay. In the face. Wow. That is really brutal. Okay. Everybody ready to go.

I have one quick question. I know. I know it's so bad. It's fast. I did ask, I asked like three times. I know. It's like,

okay, and recording. That's on, that's on me. One question. Mine is bigger. It's a big chunky waveform. It's so much bigger than ours.

That is a nice waveform. It's like, thanks. Is my voice. It is a piece. It is a big. but the waveform is like it's what is it like

hello Judy oh right hello Judy I'm not sure did you forget that your gun was named Judy is that whatever? For a second for a second

turn to the left bullshit turn to your right and I keep it going back to the sun your hands one hop this time One hop this time. Pair.

Why does that, really? Yeah, because otherwise it's just an orphan and we have to remember to get it. Oh, yeah. Let's think of, we should. And in these trying times, we should think of the orphans. You're right, honey. I'm just trying to help. You are helping.

You're doing a great job. It is on. Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. Why isn't it working? I want to know why you're not stopping hitting me with the chair. Pretend like you. are saying it to children and you're trying to be deliberately mean to the children.

It's like, come in, children, let me tell you a story. Oh, and then this happens. And then a meteor hits them in their fucking murder. Okay. Can you call to them like your Kevin Klein in a fish called Wanda? Literally shred themselves and the universe counterintuitively reaches zero size. And I hated how I did that. I'm going to go back.

I mean, I'm unsettled. Free ship. Free ship. Also, oh my God, he totally knows my name. Whoa. I just, I can't, something's up with him. I'm disturbingly anticipating his eventual reveal as some kind of colossal interdimensional villain, but who knows?

Zebulon, a interdimensional villain? villain? He spooks me. He's too powerful. What? It's good every time. There is something so hilarious about that one and I don't know what it is. What? There's a certain, I don't know. There's an umami sort of indescribable thing that haven't. It's a great moment to switch to the scene change. It's reminding me of a line that Jafar has, I feel like, but I can't remember just that's very funny. Jafar vibes is never a bad place to be. hashtag career goals

but I feel like last episode you pulled a little bit of an uno reverse where you're like, huh, there's not going to be bloopers. This time it's going to be me bloopering. Well, you know what happened last time is that there wasn't any bloopers really because everyone decided to be the most professional motherfucker in the world

and so everyone... No one was funny. If somebody messed up, they would just stop and they would go back without any sort of extemporaneous sort of things happening. And so I was at the end of the episode and I was like, fuck,

nobody fucked up. So I was like, hey, I know all of my fuckups. It's very complicated. Okay, the bloopers are very complicated, y'all.

Sounds like it. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Welcome to Magenta presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Magenta. We begin with the five-part miniseries

Ghosted, starring Beth Eyre and Lucy Roslyn, perched on a rain-battened, and Cliff Edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky, boutique hotel. Owner and soul-occupant Beth has spent months renovating, absorbing its essence into her bones. It's an old building. You'll get used to it.

But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget. Kira? Beth? What the fuck? Face to face for the first time in years, a pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances. Beth, speak to me. Shut up, shut up, shut up! And something else.

Oh, I can't bear it. What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past too. Beth. He's right there. Why is there blood on your hands? We need to get out of here. Kira.

Kira! I can still see him. Subscribe to Magenta Presents, wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon, fans of the esoteric. Bye! Magenta Presents.