Midnight Burger - Chapter 4: What's the Frequency Dearest?

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

We've all been there... your sentient old-timey radio stops talking to you and suddenly your diner is hurtling toward a supermassive black hole, right guys?! Whom amongst us?Gloria - Siouxsie SuarezCaspar - Joe FisherAva - Finlay StevensonZebulon - Neal StarbidEffie - Julie Cowden-StarbirdLeif - Tom MoormanWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonDurangs Hornpipe and Little Brown Jug - Don RichardsonTennessee Moon - Heidelburg QuintetteRead and search Scripts with PodScripts: https://podscripts.app/For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Subscribe on Supporting Cast: https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fmHow about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're just gonna sit there and watch me fill these ramekins? I like manual labor. It helps me think. Well then do some. No, watching it helps me think. It's like watching a line of ants. It's very relaxing. Fine. Hey, speaking of relaxed, do you ever feel like Leif is almost too relaxed?

He goes with the flow no matter what. It's weird. Oh yeah? Watch this. Hey, Leaf. Yeah. You know, I've been thinking about it, and I don't know. I still feel like a hot dog is a sandwich.

For fuck's sake! Oh, my God. I can't believe we have to go through this again. Again! But it's in my hand, and it's between two things. It is surrounded by one thing on three things. Three sides. What are you not getting about this?

I don't see how it can't be a sand. You don't see? You don't see. Leif, oh my God. It seems like you have a very limited definition of a sandbag. That's the whole... How can... What is happening?

What was that a word you got? The gravity thing? Well, I've received many accolades, Leif. You gave some sort of speech in Belgium? The Society of European Physicists. my award-winning paper on Gravity Way? Exactly. You figured something out that literally no one on Earth had figured out, and you can't wrap your mind around hand food taxonomy.

Leaf, what are you yelling about? Sandwiches, apparently. Again, Ava? Hey, I'm a scientist. I have a commitment to the truth. I don't have time for this. No, you do not, for we are only two hours from our... new destination and leaf has not yet cleaned the grill. Gloria, are we ready up here?

Yeah, just let me put out these sugars. Hey, Effie, where are we headed? Well, I'm certain that I don't know, dear. You're not doing it right, Gloria. Right. Effie, what does the Lord tell you about where we're heading? The Lord tells me of a golden city surrounded by... Whoa!

Uh-oh! Oh no. What happened? I tripped and I accidentally... I knocked the radio over. Zeb? Effie? Can you guys hear us? Guys. I think the dial might have moved a little bit.

What station was it on? I don't know. You don't know? I've never changed the station before. Ever? They always told me not to. Well, what do we do? Guys, why are you freaking out?

Just search around for the station. Why are we stopping? It's not time for us to stop. Did I break the diner? Ava? Where are we? Um, space. Can you narrow that down?

The bad part? Ava. Have a look. What is that? It's a gazebo. What do you think it is? That thing you do? That I hate? Where you joke around in a moment of crisis?

It's a super massive black hole. Are we heading towards it? Technically, everything is. Hey, what's going on? Have we stopped already? Whoa. Is that what I think it is? That depends.

Do you think it's imminent doom? What the hell happened? I broke the diner. We don't know what happened. Gloria accidentally moved the dial on the radio. We lost Zeb and Effie and everything stopped. We're not supposed to change the station. It was an accident.

Well, let's get them back. I don't know what the station is, do you? I don't know what the station is. I've never changed it. Well, we're a finely tuned Swiss watch again, aren't we? I don't want to add too much urgency to the situation, but a supermassive black hole has the mass of one million sons, and we're basically swan diving into it right now.

That's too many sons. Somebody should fix that. We'll be okay, right? Isn't this place indestructible or something? It may be. We're sure as hell not. I mean, I'd rather not die by being compressed into a ball of matter the size of a boba, but I would get some great data right before that.

Okay, I'm just going to start cranking on the dial until I hear you. someone from Arkansas. Okay. Okay, there are no numbers on the dial. Would it matter if there were? Guess not? Okay. Here we go. I'm Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton. The sun is shining, the grass is green, which could only mean it's time to put some blood on it. Effie, Effie, can you hear us? Today we'll watch as the Indianapolis Colts attempt to stamp people. all over the Miami Dolphins. And though the visual of horses

trampling dolphins is a disturbing one, none of that matters because it's football season. That's right. It's once again time for the greatest athletes in the world to toss around a pigskin while you sit at home tossing around a bag of pig skins

because you're too lazy to walk them across the room to your roommate. Bram? Leaf, what are you doing? Off planet betting. This is going to be a good game. We have a phone? Kitty, the The championship season is quickly approaching, and teams are beginning to drop off the roster faster than you can say chronic, traumatic, encephalopathy. The Steelers lose to the Bills, 23 to 57, and the Ravens get never moored by the Chiefs, 11 to 13.

But let's get to the real news of the day. Let's do it. Yeah, Gork, it's late. Give me 500 on the Colts. But what is the phone connected to? Um, guys. Teams win or lose, but the real news from coast to coast is one name and one name only. That's right.

Mr. Raynard Lewis. Sweet number 17 himself. Guys, take it off the station. 19 touchdowns in his rookie season, ready to go even further this season, and very, very popular with the ladies. Oh, I've got a brand new pair of Rollers Gates. He's got a brand new key to my pants. Take it off. What's the problem?

We're moving faster. We picked up speed as soon as the station came on. Does the radio control the diner? No. I mean, I don't think so. When is there a relationship between Zeb and Effie and the diner's navigation? There probably always was. We just never changed the station before.

Oh, if only there was a scientist around to figure this out for us. You want me to figure it out right now? I feel like that's something you should know. This has definitely never happened before. Guys, come on. How are we supposed to know? I have an excuse because I just got here. You mean to tell me it never occurred to anyone to say,

Hey, there's a sanchion old-timey radio in this diner. I wonder what that's all about. Um, Ava? I was getting around to it. Isn't this more of an after we're out of danger of conversation? Okay, good point. Uh, Ava, how much time do we have? I don't know. There's not a speedometer on the diner.

Let's try another station. That'll make us go faster, won't you? it? Will it? Can we not guesstimate our way into the supermassive black hole? I'm trying another station. We can't just sit here. Okay. Here we go. Welcome back

to all things considered. I'm Adelaide Goldberger Kozlowski. 23 refugees from Syria have been stranded in a rickety boat off the coast of Sicily without any nation offering asylum. For more on this, here's Algernon West of Eld Fissel. for 29 days now these Syrian refugees have been in a living hell right off the coast of paradise shit we're going faster again what the hell if we do nothing we get sucked in if we do something

we get sucked in faster what the fuck are we supposed to do let's start paddling hang on hang on oh ball what is it the Steelers lose to the bills 23 to 57. Never moored the Ravens, 11 to 13, number 17, 19 touchdowns. 23 refugees, 29 days. God, damn it. Can we get an invite to the brain party? Two, three, five, seven, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29.

Are you playing Kino or something? Oh, it's prime numbers. All in a row, that can't be a coincidence. If it isn't a coincidence, what is it? Prime numbers are how you introduce yourself to an intelligent species. It's kind of a, you know, hey, how are you? We both recognize prime numbers. They're getting our attention.

So they can communicate with us. I'm guessing they can, but not directly. Great. Easy things are boring anyway. I need more data. Okay, I'm a Capricorn. We need to turn the dial again. I thought turning the dial sends us faster towards our friend. Right now, our options are a quick death or a slow death.

We should probably get some more options. Okay, fine. Leave you do it this time. Maybe you'll get lucky. Okay. Okay, yeah. I'm feeling lucky. Here we go.

Time, everyone, Liz here. I'm sitting down with Marv Garvin of the North Forks Community Garden Center. Marv, what should we be looking out for in our gardens right now? Well, Liz, as you know, it is time for everyone to pull up their turn-ups. Yes. Things are getting very real out there. So real.

Since late summer, gardeners everywhere have been asking themselves one question, is my soil loose enough? And now they're about to find out. Like nature scratch-off lotto ticket. Oh, my.

That's a good one, Liz. Thanks, Mark. We like to have fun. If you got questions about your turnips, your beads, or whatever else you're pulling up, give us a call. This is giving me nothing. I've got an idea. 0360. Let's jump right in.

Our first caller is Gloria. Oh, my, all the way from Arizona. How are you today, Gloria? Hey, Liz. Long time, first time. Thanks so much for taking my call. I've got a really big problem that I'm heading towards in my garden. Hope you can help.

We'll do our darn this, Gloria. My problem is, what's a gardening problem? Uh, blight? Blight? Is that a thing? Oh, shit! Shut it off! What could you have possibly gotten from that? 459-018-0-360? We're going to use a Cartesian coordinate system on the radio dial.

45 degrees, 90 degrees, 180, and 360. That's how we're going to find stations on the dial. The dial didn't have numbers. Now it has numbers. So we're just going to keep doing this decodering bullshit until the black hole squeezes us like a lemon? Said the guy who's not offering any solutions at all. This is good, right?

We know how to turn the dial. Now we need to know where. It's good to have a plan. I like plans. Everything we do to escape sends us faster into the black hole. I hate this plan. Tough titty. Leaf, what was that thing you did when we were stuck in that nebula?

Vent the grease trap? Yes. Do that. Okay. Hang on. That's not going to slow us down at this point. No, it's not Dr. Smarty Pants, but if he vents the grease trap laterally, it will give a spin around the black hole, creating centrifugal force that will pull away from the center and slow us down, at least a little bit.

Who's the scientist now? Still not you. Hang on to something. This is going to get bumpy. The dial moved. Everybody quiet. A little bit longer. It feels like a thing of the past.

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to bring the miracle of bragging about the food you made right to your door. 137, huh? Okay, shut it off. Okay, I vented all the grease. Hopefully that will buy us sometime. Turn the dial to 137 degrees. Eva? Pretend the dial has a clock face on it.

Turn the dial to somewhere between 4 and 5 o'clock. You can't be any more specific than that. Just do it. Okay. Okay. Presented by Lucky Strike. Smoke a Lucky to feel your level best. That's just how you'll feel when you light up a Lucky.

Because Lucky's fine tobacco will pick you up when you feel low. Calm you down when you're tense. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Are you sure this is the right station? Nobody knows. Damn, now I want a cigarette. I thought this was supposed to be the right station. Just listen.

Well, now, Mrs. Cabbage, what's with all this feminine nonsense laying around? Oh, Willis, don't be a pill now. These are the clothes I'm donating to the women's shelter. Ah, those poor ladies must admire an Upper West Side Lady like yourself. They did. Then they met my husband. One more remark like that, and I'll leave you on 80th Avenue where I found you. Don't threaten me with a good time. You know that's where Zabar's is.

80! Go to your 230. Welcome back to Not Too Late. I'm Dr. Barbara. What the fuck? I hope everyone's holidays were nice, impacunious, and restful. And if they weren't restful, I hope you're glad they're over. Frank, how are your heart? holidays. You know, Doc, my stepmother hit us with the fruit cake again. Oh, no, the fruit cake. Nobody eats it. We don't know what to do with it. It's a problem. Oh, you poor thing.

Doc, so much of our holidays are about handling problems. You know, Frank, it's funny you mention that, because that's what I want to talk about today with our callers. Holiday problems. For some people, the holidays are a yearly crisis, and they really shouldn't be. Okay, I'm done with this. Give me the phone. So let's hear from you about your crisis. Give us a call in 666-338-6570. Frank, who have we got on the line? Up first, we've got Casper calling in from... This is odd.

It just says supermassive black hole. Well, that's weird. We're going to have to talk to the screeners about that one. Casper, how are you tonight? I'm not good, Dr. Barbara. I'm headed towards a particular holiday right now, And it's about to crush me and all the people I care about. Okay, Casper. Let's not overreact.

No, I'd literally mean it. No offense to Frank and his fruitcake, but my particular fruitcake has the gravitational pull of one million suns. And the two people who are supposed to prevent that or nowhere to be found. I know it's stressful. Things are supposed to work, Barbara. They're supposed to work. You're supposed to be able to rely on them.

Not everything. Not everything has to work, but some things. Some things you should be able to rely on. The world is too cruel to not have things. to rely on. And when those things go away, you end up hurtling towards a supermassive black hole without anything to protect you. Casper. Effie. I know that's you. Zebulon. Come on. You're not a late-night radio shrink. Your two goddamn yokels in 1925 Arkansas. You know what? I don't even know if you're that. I don't know what you are, but I know that I depend on you. One of the few things that I

depend on and now you're gone and we're all floating towards our doom. Hello. Can he go out there? He's fine in the parking lot. So are we screwed? What does impecunious mean? Leif? It means poor. Really? Yeah. We're at a day calendar. I buy it every year. She used it wrong. She used it like it meant relaxing. It kind of stood out, didn't it? Hmm. What could that mean? Go back to the first. station we tried. We're really cutting it close here. We don't have anything to lose at this point. Okay. Kitty, the bench is clear. Noisa means smelly. Huh. Try the next one.

Later, while speaking from the epistolary in Brazil, the president was quoted as saying, I do what I want. I'm popping. Epistolary isn't a place. It means written in a letter. Oh, God! I think I know where this is going. Try another. Marve, it's time to talk peppers. I thought things were getting a little spicy in here. Oh, Marv, you're obstreperous. Nope. Obstreperous means stubborn.

What's happening? One more. Mrs. Cabbage, what is it now? I'm writing a thank you note to Mrs. Tate, and I was wondering if you could take a look at it. Very well then. Let's see. Mrs. Cabbage, there aren't any words on this page. Well, that's the first problem. What am I supposed to do with this, Mrs. Cabbage?

If you could just give me a starting place. How about starting with the first letter? It's gone. They're all gone. What's happening? Try starting with the first letter. The first letter of each wrong word. It spells...

Zenao. I don't know that one. It's Latin. It means go in. Go in where? No way. I think they mean our buddy out there. They want us to go into a supermassive black hole.

Unless you can think of something else. Why would they tell us to do that? I don't know. That's bad. I don't like that at all. And I'm thrilled? It's going to kill us. Not necessarily.

Honestly, no one knows what happens inside one of those. It's not just a lot of gravity, it's a complete breakdown of the basic forces of the universe. Who knows what happens when you decide to cruise right into it? Well, I was going to lose that bet on the Colts anyways, so... Dodge that bullet. So there's nothing to be done. I could use a refill on my coffee, you know, since you're up. I'm going to go talk to Casper.

Hey? Hey. So? We have a plan. No, we don't. No, we really don't. Ava thinks the message Zeb and Effie are trying to send us is to go into the black hole. That's counterintuitive.

You're telling me. Okay. Fine. Fuck it. Funny that they look like suns, huh? Black holes? Like a photo negative of a sun. Yeah.

You know what else is funny? that were standing in a parking lot on the edge of a black hole and we're like, sure, whatever. Yeah. I knew this guy. He was a bartender on one of those pleasure cruisers on Niso. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, those are nice. Nisos just paradise, right? Most beautiful place I've ever seen. Just cruising on clear, calm water, all day and night. And I said to him, man, you've got the best job. You get the same view as the paying customers

and you get paid to be here. And he leaned into me and he said, you know what, Leif? You'd be surprised what can become just another fucking job. Yeah, I see what you mean. You seemed pretty freaked out in there, man. Which is understandable.

You know, super massive, black hole and all. You know, for a while, it was just me and them. Before you showed up, before Ava. A long time ago, I walked into what I thought was a diner in, where was I? Bakersfield. I walked into an abandoned diner. And suddenly, the old-timey radio next to the cash register started talking to me.

And I thought, okay, the radio is talking. to me, my psychotic break has arrived. This will be fun. But then, 24 hours later, I was on Garion. Oh, yeah? Garion was your first shift? Yeah. Gary on two or three? Two's way better. Right? The chopped cheese? It's the best. People don't know. Anyway, I saw some weird shit before you guys showed up. And I was glad that they were there for me. a dependent on them. When you literally don't have ground beneath your feet, other things become the ground. And when those things fail too, where does that leave you?

Things are supposed to work. I like it when things work. For all we know, Ava is right, and this is part of their plan. Maybe things keep working. They just don't work in the way we expect them to. Yeah. Let's hope. We're coming up on it.

We should get inside. Here we go. Last coffee before the supermassive black hole. Cool? Sure, I'll have some. Mind if I join you? Well, I don't normally receive gentlemen callers at my boo. I'm sitting down.

I have five theories about what awaits us inside the black hole. Would you like to hear them? I really wouldn't. Okay, seriously. What's your secret with the coffee? Why is it so good? It's complicated life. I put the appropriate amount in the filter, and then I don't let it sit too long on the burner.

Did you really get some sort of award in Belgium? I did. But it was bittersweet because I had to share the award with one other scientist. Oh, bummer. One might say that in Belgium, my ego was a bit... Don't do it. Bruged. How dare you?

Here comes imminent doom. Anything to say before we're all erased? I'm glad you're here. I know. I guess so. Well, that's lame. I guess when you go through a black hole, you end up on the other side of the black hole? It was way better in the movie.

Effie? Zebulon, are you guys there? This sounds like their music. Well, hey there, Gloria. We thought we'd lost you for a moment. Oh, thank God. Guys, what happened? Well, I'm sure we don't know.

It's a bit stormy here, and I suppose the inclement weather interfered with us reaching you. Oh, come on. Wait, we went through a whole thing over here, and to you guys, we just cut out for a second? That's right. One moment you were there, the next you weren't, and then you were again. Way. Nothing about, you know, the Colts versus the dolphins. Well, I've never owned a horse, Casper, but I don't see what kind of ill will they might have towards a sea creature.

What the hell? I want my money back. We went through a black hole. I can't say I know anything about that late. But I'm sure that no matter the instance, the Lord had a plan. You know, tell the Lord his plan. Plan blows. Ava.

You'd prefer we get squished by the black hole? Kind of. Now, I wouldn't speak too harshly of the Lord's plans, Ava. For it appears that the Lord's plan for today involves a bit of rest and relaxation. Have a look outside, y'all. Oh, hey. Holy shit. It's Niso.

It's beautiful. This place is the best. He's been here before? Yeah. Been a long time. Not mad about the black hole anymore. Oh, hey, a pleasure cruiser's talking. We've got 12 hours.

Who's in the mood for a day, cruise? Oh, hell yeah. Follow me. Sorry you didn't discover the secrets of the black hole. There's always tomorrow. Show me around. Okay. Hang on, though.

Hey, you two? I've got questions. Just wanted to let you know. Only the Lord provides answers, Ava. Yeah, sure. See you in 11 hours and 59 minutes. Quite a storm we had, my dear. Indeed, husband.

Indeed. For listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness. And if time and tide roiled you too harshly, Or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens. Just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you. We open at six. Oh, FAMBER FAML.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Welcome to Magenta Presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Maggiore. We begin with the five-part miniseries Ghosted, starring Beth Eyre and Lucy Roslyn. Perched on a rain-battered cliff edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky, boutique hotel. Owner and soul-occupant Beth has spent months renovating, absorbing its essence into her bones. It's an old building. You'll get used to it. But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget.

Kira. Beth? What the fuck? Face to face for the face. First time in years, a pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances. Beth, speak to me. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. And something else.

Oh, I can't bear it. What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past, too. Beth, he's right there. Why is there blood on your hands? We need to get out of here. Kira! Kira!

I can still see it. Subscribe to Magenta Presents, wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon. Fans of the esoteric. Bye!