Midnight Burger - Chapter 41: The Malthusian Trap

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

“Evil exists in the world not to create despair but activity.”-Thomas MalthusCast:Gloria - Siouxsie SuarezCaspar - Joe FisherAva - Finlay StevensonZebulon Mucklewain - Neal StarbirdEffie Mucklewain - Julie Cowden-StarbirdLeif - Tom MoormanFiona - Tess SegalDavid - Quintin Jones, Jr.Teta - Aubrey FergusonKazi - Jessica MorrisLibuza - Shelly DarringtonWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonEpisode Art by PeriPapayaMusic:Dance of the Flutes - Tchaikovsky - Philadelphia Symphony OrchestraSymphonie Pathétique- Tchaikovsky - New York Philharmonic OrchestraReel Two Reel - AuxjackSupport the show by Subscribing!Subscribe on Patreon (The one with the bells and whistles): https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe with Supporting Cast (The simple one): https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fm/Subscribe on Apple Podcasts (The Apple one): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Read and search our scripts on Podscripts: https://podscripts.app/For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comHow about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/All scripts available at: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1IXV0JIBFw_IgDJhVeaeqL4UPQngvXHoQ?usp=sharingFor more information on our sponsors go to https://fableandfolly.com/partners/Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Previously on Midnight Burger, it's raining man. Casper, can you hear me? Oh, shit. Head back to the diner. Leaf. Mystery men, that is. The diner finds itself on a planet where it is eternally 2012. Michaela Maroni is not impressed.

You know, you're my first alien. What are you mean? In his first jaunt out into the cosmos, David makes himself a green friend. Their friendship did not last. Meanwhile, on the other end of the galaxy Do you know what this means? What? Free ship!

Eva and the sisters on the mucklewains have got themselves a hot rod and are making a beeline for the diner while Gloria comes up with her next move against the mystery man. Go get me the barista. What? Go get me the barista. Ha ha! That'll show them. Wait, what?

Let's start the shift. Hey, Fiona. Get the fuck away from me. Fiona... You're threatening me with a big block of cheese there. It's the only thing in here that resembles a blunt object. I would have gone for the sack of potatoes myself, but whatever you think. Who are you? Why am I wearing this puffy jacket?

You're wearing the jacket because it's cold in here, Fiona. Stop fucking around with me. I'm speaking as plainly as I can. What am I doing here? What are you going to do to me? We're not going to do anything to you? I'm guessing you didn't kidnap me because you thought it would be fun. Well, in retrospect, it was a little fun.

We stole Mitt Romney's campaign bus. That was something I did not know I had on my bucket list. Who is we? Me and my staff. Staff? Oh, you're at a restaurant. Why am I at a restaurant? Because that's where we work.

Is this? Are you going to eat me? Fiona? What the fuck? No. I was not unconscious and thrown into a refrigerator with a bunch of food. What would you think? I don't know.

Not that. Are you going to try and ransom me or something? I'm not the president's daughter. Both of my parents are public school teachers. Oh, that's nice. What do they teach? History and it. Shut up!

Tell me what I'm doing here. We really didn't have a choice, Fiona. So you can't. Tell me, is that it? Keep the hostage in the dark while you enact some sort of evil plan? That's not it. What is it then? What kind of kidnappers are you? Fiona, it wasn't a kidnapping. It was a rescue. What are you talking about?

Someone... Someone did something to you. We don't know who it was, but your mind is not your own. We need to figure out why, and we need to figure out. way to fix it. Oh. Okay. This is a cult. I've been kidnapped by a cult.

Great. Still, no. Look, I promise I'll swear allegiance to whatever weird God y'all worship, okay? Just please don't make me do any sex stuff. Jesus Christ, Fiona, you know what? Here, you can go. What? Go ahead.

You're... Letting me leave? Yeah, go ahead. Go call the cops on us. Go nuts. Is this a trick? Whoa. Would you tell me if it was a trick?

Of course I wouldn't tell you if it was a trick. That's what makes it a trick. I'm serious. You can go. Oh, sure. I walk out there and then you all start hunting me for sport, right? Fiona, I really need your entire generation to stop watching films. Go ahead.

Stay back, though. I'm staying back. Front doors right there. Don't follow me. I won't. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Hey, Fiona. Hey, Fiona. What's up, Fiona?

Where am I? Uh, looks like we are in, uh, forest. Leif, what do we know? Same universe, same time. still in cryptessia. What about the planet? I've got the drones doing reconnaissance. Nothing but forest for several miles.

Is there anyone here? It's inhabited for sure, but it's pretty sparse. There's the occasional structure, but not anything fancy. No radio or microwave frequencies either. Whatever civilization there is, it's looking pre-industrial. Okay. Also, we're staying put in this system. I can see where we're going for the next few steps.

I've got the diners preprint up on the next few planets. We're basically going to be pond skipping around this system for a while. I'm assuming to find the refugees. Yeah, I figured. Casper, what are you reading? I grabbed at New York Times for 2012 before we left. Hey, Fiona, what is Gangnam style? Somebody tell me where the fuck I am.

Oh, we have no idea, Fiona. How does everyone know my name? You told me your name. You? You came into my Starbucks. I did. were scoping me out. Is that it? It wasn't my idea for you to come along.

That was all Queen Bee's idea. Come along where? Where am I? I just said... This is your restaurant. You don't know where your own restaurant is? Sometimes we do... Hang on. Are we calling me Queen Bee now? Okay. You said I could go, right? Sure. Do you want us to give you directions home?

Yes, please. Leif? Fiona. Home is that way. Thank you. you. About 83 light years that way. What? You're on another planet, Fiona. Fucking lunatics.

Okay. Do we have any idea when their ship is getting here? Ava started talking into my friggin' head again a few minutes ago. They just came out of some sort of wormhole and they're headed here. They should be here in a few minutes. Wormhole? Yeah. Apparently this whole galaxy has a network of wormholes built into the fabric of space. No warp gates needed.

What the fuck is going on in this? system. That's a very good question, Leif. Another good question. Does anyone know a seven-letter word for non-competitive races? I'm assuming we've landed somewhere near the next batch of refugees. Any idea where they might be? I'll keep an eye out. Great. Oh, fun runs. Nailed it. Fun. Hey, Fiona. Fiona, you don't seem to be walking anywhere. I thought you were going home. You know, I've learned a lot about space being out here. What you're looking at right now is called a planetary ring. You know, like Saturn has?

I always thought it was weird that everything ends up in a ring around a planet. It always seemed way too organized. Like, wouldn't all the space rocks just be everywhere? Turns out, rings always gather around the equator of a planet because of a planetary bulge at the middle. That's where the gravity is the strongest, so all the rocks and ice and debris end up there. People think Earth might have had one for a while? A long time ago, a passing asteroid got shredded by Earth's gravity, and for a few million years, there was a ring around it.

Or at least my Earth was like that. I don't know about yours. Because the thing is, Fiona, you're not from Earth. You're from a planet that someone spent a lot of time and energy to make look like Earth? I don't know why. I'm trying to find out. This moment is so cheesy, right? Like, how many times have you seen this in a movie?

Your whole life has been a lie. I'm here to show you the true way. Take the red pill or the blue pill. Which one is the pill you're supposed to take? The red one or the blue one? The red one. Right? Oh, hey.

I am just now realizing that if you had the matrix on your planet, that means that there are two Keanu Reeves out there, which is not a bad thing, right? We need more guys like him. The more Keanu's the better. Silver lining? I can't feel my hands. Yes.

You're probably going into shock right now. It's fine. It'll pass. Okay. Here they come. I've got landing signals. Uh, this isn't really going to help things, Fiona, but when the spaceship lands, try to hang on to consciousness, okay? Space ship?

Oh, damn. That's a big boy. Holy shit. Real subtle. Are you okay? What do you mean? I'm assuming that's the first time you've seen a spaceship land, right? I didn't see anything.

What do you mean? Did something happen? Fiona, you don't see a spaceship right over there? I don't see anything. Whoa. What's happening? Okay, Fiona, take my hand, okay? Stay with me.

I'm real, okay? You're real. Yes. There he is. Oh, God. Look at you, you miserable bastards. I think Casper needs a hug. For the love of Gaira, please put me down.

I don't know. I kind of like you up there. Look at you at there. Tita. Okay, fine. I know you've missed me, but don't get all emotional, okay? I'll try. I want you to know that I've been preparing for your arrival.

Great. I've written Casper's number one fan all over the toy. Oh, that's sweet. I was told to speak to someone named Gloria. Hello, Casper. Take this fucking thing out of my head. No. Kazi, take this fucking thing out of my head.

No. Kazi. No. Please take this thing out of my head. No. It's good to see you again, Casper. You look good on the inside. Is this your kid?

What's up? David. David. He's pretty handsome, Casper. Are you sure? he's not a product of infidelity? I mean, David, how good looking was your mailman growing up? I don't know, but that would answer a lot of questions.

Here, I've got your radio. Hello there, David. Nice to be home. How did your abduction go? I taught square dancing. And I have a discussion about Gulliver's travels. What? Hey, where's Ava?

She's inside, looking at a bunch of math. Of course. Are you seeing a woman with horns right now? With hordes? No, but where did these two people come from? They just appeared. Oh, boy. Okay, keep holding on to my hand. Gloria. You must be Kazi. Yes. Who is this? This is Fiona.

I wasn't told about Fiona. So the last planet we were at was full of earthlings somehow, but they were all brainwashed into thinking it was Earth in the year 2012. Really? So we stole one. Isn't that right, Fiona? Brainwashed? She's one of them. Yes.

That's excellent. Brainwashed? Watch this. Excuse me. Was it Tita? Yeah, what's up? Fiona, can you tell me what you see when you look at Tita? I see.

A woman? No horns? Horns. Weird. Interesting. Fiona, I'm going to have a look at you. A look? What are you doing? Hold still. I'm having a look at your neural environment.

My neural environment? What in the world? Just keep holding on to my hand, Fiona. Fiona, do you know where you are right now? I think I'm on another planet. Correct. But myself and my sister, you see two earthlings. Oh, God, what should I see? She can't see your ship either. You can't see our ship. I don't see a ship. I don't know what anyone's talking about. I see. You would need to overlook

ships like this if they were coming to your planet from maintenance. And ignore alien races, so you wouldn't see the refugees. Precisely. But they didn't account for her being on another planet, so she can't edit that out. What's happening to me? Is Gloria Wright? Have I been brainwashed? Brainwashing is an earthling myth, Fiona. However, you have had extensive work done on your neural environment. Most likely at a very young age. Why?

We're not quite sure yet. Fiona, I'm going to take a sample of your DNA. You're going to what? Ow! Keep hanging on to the hand, Fiona. You just drew my blood. I did. One moment, please.

Is she looking at? at her DNA right now? Yeah, you'll get used to it. I see. Gloria, you and I need a debrief. We do, but we're going to have to multitask. Guys, circle up. Coming down. Peter. What's happening? We didn't just pick up Fiona. Yesterday, we managed to pick up about 20 of your refugees. That's fantastic. We think the diner is taking us to all the places they're holding more of your people, which means there's more of them around here somewhere. I see. I know we need to talk, but we also need to find the next batch of your people. All right. What do you suggest?

Leif, any idea where they might be? There's a structure about three miles through the forest. I think it's an old farm or something. That's probably our best bet. We need to send some people to that farm. Tita, what am I doing? We think there's more refugees at a farm nearby. Where is it? I'll go check it out.

Leif, you go with Tita to check out the farm, okay? Yeah. Let me pack some shit. I'll be ready to go. Casper, I don't know what Ava's cooking up in there, but I need you to be on Ava's maintenance again. Uh, sure, no problem. Hey. Hey.

I'm going with Leaf and Tida to check out this farm. The farm. Yes. The farm, that is, three miles through thick forest on an unknown alien planet. Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. It doesn't feel like it's okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You're not going to tell me to be careful.

Why? Why would I need to tell you that you're a human adult? Who knows when to be careful? I don't need to say anything like that. Okay. Okay. See in a bit. Okay.

Hey, Fiona. What? I think you should take this radio. The... A radio? Why? Why would I need a radio? I think you might find it comforting.

Why would I find a radio comforting? Hello there, Fiona. Fiona, I imagine you're having a dicky. of a day, aren't you dear? What the fuck is this now? I mean, maybe not instantly comforting, but stick with it. There's no way I'm taking that thing. Well, you kind of have to, Fiona.

How else are they going to get around? How else is who going to get around? Forgive us, Fiona. I'm Zebulon Mucklewain, here with my wife Effie. Hi, Fiona. May I just say that I am impressed that your head hasn't just spun right off your body? You've got a stiff spine on you there, Fiona.

You are standing there on another world, entirely surrounded by all sorts of strangers and strange things, but look at you there. Still walking and talking. I guess I am doing pretty good, considering. Well, there you go, Fiona. Give yourself some credit. Look at that. Fast friends already. No, I'm just going to hand them over to you.

Where do I take them? Wherever they need to go. Where are you going? We need to go check out a farm down the road. There may be some people there who need help. I do hope you'll take care of yourself out there, young man. I'll be fine. David, we're going to need a bit more than I'll be fine.

I'm going to need some words from you that will assure me you can be responsible out there and not get yourself stuck in some sort of a thicket. A thicket? David. I promise I'll be careful. And we'll hold you to your word. I have boots perfectly designed for kicking people right in the rear end, Dave, and don't make me put them on. Okay, good God. Would you take them, please?

Fiona, let's go ahead and follow Gloria back inside. Okay. How do you enjoy the company of wolves, Fiona? Okay, I really need a normal thing to happen soon. I see you've met the muckawains. You're doing great, Fiona. The radio is... The radio is talking to me.

I know. That's what they all say. Ready for it to get even weirder? No. Actually, you may want to take the radio from her. Why? She's going to be unconscious soon. I'm going to... Whoa. Nice catch, Gloria. What happened? When I sampled her DNA, I put nanobots in her blood. Why? She has artificial blocks in her brain. With all of this new stimulus hitting against those blocks, she was in danger of having a massive hemorrhage. The nanobots will need to remove them. When she wakes up, She'll be out of danger. But her brain will be completely changed.

Yes. It will literally be a rude awakening. Well, shit. Oh, good luck, Fiona. Let's get her in a boot. There you are. Jesus, this place is huge. Hello there, Vistak. I see you've met Mr. Talldark and Omnis.

Uh-huh. How are you? Good. Do you have an eight-letter word for pesto ingredient? I invented a new sandwich while you were gone. Great. The BLTN. Okay.

Bacon, lettuce, tomato, and nunchucks. Sounds good. Thank you. Oh, Laboosa's down the hall, and she's having emotions? She's having emotions. Yeah. Can you go fix it? Can I go fix it?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure Great So you say something nice to me for the first time literally ever And then are promptly abducted by aliens That's how it's going to go Okay Okay

Talk later What? Talk later? Yeah, sure Okay Casper Yeah Pine nuts

Ah, nailed it Pine nuts. Okay, this place, THX 1138 vibes are strong. Sorry? Casper. How's it going, kiddo?

I've been better. Uh-huh. I've ruined everything. I doubt that. All of our people are prisoners. We don't know where they are. I let them all here. They're all trapped out there because of me.

Labozy, you want to tap the brakes on whatever's going on in your head right now? I'm a complete failure. What you are is a car in neutral with your full. Put on the gas. Can you let your foot off the gas, please? I disconnected myself from the Vistech. Okay, I personally think that's good because that thing is fucking terrifying, but why did you do that? Look around! This entire galaxy is a death trap. Well, it hasn't exactly been nice to us thus far.

I let us all here. We're worse off than in the triad. But the ship's nice. Do you understand what I'm saying? Any heartache, any death that happens here? It's all my fault. No, it's not. It very demonstrably is. Is it really? it wasn't the fault of the people who trusted you without asking questions or the fact that we live in an inherently unknowable universe, none of that played a part. How about the fact that that monstrous thing in there kept you from harm got you and your sisters together and led you to the diner flawlessly?

You're attacking yourself because after a series of massive successes, suddenly you were wrong. How are you supposed to know? It was working. You had every reason to believe it was going to keep doing that. I'm fine, by the way. It's great to see you too. You're just going to minimize this to try to make me feel better. I thought you were disconnected from the prediction machine. I don't want you to make me feel better. I want someone. What are you yelling at me for? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

Well, welcome to the fucking party, Labusa. Casper, I wasn't a child when you met me. I'm not a child now. You can't pat me on the head and tell me it's going to be okay. I'm not trying to do that. When I was born, humans had me. even mastered electricity. Well, excuse the shit out of me, tiny Gandalf. I should have known that by your incredibly mature behavior right now.

I'm sorry. It's okay. Ava told me I should start yelling at you when you got here, that it would make me feel better. She's the fucking worst. How do you feel? Better. Well, then I guess my work here is done. It's good to see you.

It's good to see you, too. Would you sit down next to me, please? Sure. I'm having a hard time functioning. I got that sense, yes. Kazi is furious with me. Well, that would imply she has emotions. She wants me to push through the pain.

Kazi performs surgery on herself. Of course, she wants you to push through the pain. It was terrifying to disconnect myself from the Vistech, but now that I have, I feel a little better, scared, but better. I need to figure out how to come back from this, but I can't seem to find my way back. Well, that's very obviously because you haven't seen the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

No, it's not. No, seriously. You watch that movie, and you're like, look at this guy. He's a gun and a whip and a fedora. and tenure? He's a hero. But then you keep watching the movie, and you see him literally fail at everything he tries to do throughout the entire movie.

He succeeds at nothing he attempts in the movie. That's why he's the hero, because he keeps going. What if I don't want to keep going? You already are. I'm just sitting here. That's part of it. You need to sit here in the weird ship and be miserable for a second.

as part of moving on. Then you'll be done with that, and you'll move on to the next thing. You're literally patting me on the head and telling me it's going to be okay. Yeah, I guess I am. In my defense, you should already know how to do that because you're older than a Greenland Sharp, apparently. I'm going to get up and walk around. Hey, look at you.

Okay, give me your hand. No, I'd like to do it myself. Are you sure? My senses have come back since I'm not relying on the Vistech anymore. Do you know why my voice sounds so strange to you? I never said your voice sounds strange to me. But it does. Yeah, it does.

There are two types of Nixites, Flaxian and Crimson. I'm a Flaxian. When Flaxian speak, our voice vibrates on multiple frequencies at once, most of which you can't hear. Those frequencies bounce around and I pick up all their echoes with gland in my forehead right here. I couldn't really see you when we met. I just received data in the shape of you. I can see you now. You're right there.

Here I am. Here I am. What? Another thing about Flaxians. It's a good thing. When you get into a new room to make a little noise and have a look around. So all of us have a short phrase that we say in a new place. It's different for everyone like a little mantra.

That was mine. Here I am. Well, Laboosa, here you are. What now? If we can figure out why I couldn't see these mystery men coming, I think it may be the key to everything. All right. That sounds like something.

Let's do that. Okay. Ava's picked up my mathematical syntax very quickly. I would say don't tell her that or she'll get a big ego, but I'm afraid the damage is done on that front. She cares about you very much, you know? Yeah, I know. I think she might not be great at telling you that.

No. But I'm a bit like you in that respect, Labusa. I can pick up on frequencies that no one else can hear. We were told to never come down here. Yeah. Lay fixed the door so now we can come and go as we please. It's a little cold, but I figured this would be better than being crammed into the dining room. I'm sure it'll do just fine.

Are you covered in fur now? Yes. My body adapts to cold weather. What about when it's hot? I alternate my blood flow patterns. Is everybody like this on your planet? No two people are the same on my home world. Because of the harsh conditions, we have to constantly make upgrades to our bodies.

Once you have the necessary changes done, most of us decide to keep going. I may have gone a bit farther than most people on my planet. It sounds painful. It is, but it's very empowering. I'm sadden to hear about Malu. She was a very hard worker. When we track down her siblings, we'll make sure they're taking care of. She said they were trying to get her group to integrate with the earthlings there.

Integrate with them? Yeah. They were allowed to go free if they promised to behave themselves and live there in peace. In a population of earthlings who were programmed to see them as human? Yeah. Why would they do that? I'm not sure. Something about mirror neurons?

Thank you for saving our people, Gloria. Of course. But it may have been irrelevant. Why? Ava was telling me you've had dealings in the past with the Ted's. Oh, yes. Whoever this is we're up against? I believe they'll make the Ted Empire look like children.

Well, that's fucking great. There's a holographic system back at the ship. We should head back. I need to show you Fiona's DNA. Okay. I don't like this fog. I can't see anything. Are you sure we're going the right way?

Yeah, we're good. Straight on this way for a couple of miles. So, what's the deal with this planet again? Looking like it's pre-industrial. There weren't any traces of technology, but there's scattered houses and basic structure. somebody lives here, but I wouldn't expect any technology past swords and arrows. Where is everybody, though?

I don't know. You guys want to keep it down? We're kind of in a killbox here. Kill box? Limited visibility, unknown terrain. This is a great place for an ambush. Oh, sorry. So, Tita the skull eater, huh?

Yeah. What of it? I thought you were a mercenary. How'd you end up in the freedom fighter business? You're one to talk, death the kid? Screw over any habitable moons lately. That was a long time ago. Not for me, it wasn't. If we weren't in this particular situation, you and I might have to have a word or two. Wait, do you two know each other? We know of each other. You know your friends are real piece of shit, David. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. worked for the most notorious pirate in the triad. They all know about the pirate stuff. Oh, do they? So they know about all the people who starved and went into debt because... Okay. I'm going to go ahead and stop right here. David, I was a pirate.

I know. I didn't have a fun beard and an eye patch. I was a bad person. And I did very bad things. Would you like me to take the time to describe them all to you right now while we are apparently in the killbox? I actually just had a question about the skull eating. Oh, shoot. Did you really eat a dude's skull?

Just the one time. Why did you eat his skull? Because I said to him, I'm going to kill you and eat your skull. You can't say that and then not eat the guy's skull. It's bad for business. Okay, but how did you eat his skull? With barbecue sauce. Uh-huh.

But Laif is the bad guy. That is correct. Okay. It's your first time on another planet, David? Second. How'd the first time go? It was pretty intense. Uh-huh.

Here. What is that? It's a gun, dummy. I don't know. You're not on earth anymore, David. Take the gun. I'd offer it to him, but I can already tell he's one of those, My mind is a weapon, guys.

That is true, David. My mind is a weapon. There it is. Okay. How does it work? Well, first you have to answer its three riddles. What? It works just like in the movies, David.

You pull the trigger at the bad guys. Okay. What does it shoot? Rubber duckies. It's like an earth gun, David. It just uses superheated plasma as an accelerant instead of gunpowder. Okay, let's move. Killbox, remember.

Right. Killbox. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. What happened? I'm afraid you were in a bit of danger, and there needed to be an intervention. An intervention? Having something to do with that head of yorn, Fiona. There were all sorts of things.

Not right up there. Though I wouldn't go asking us the particulars, it's all very complicated. But we take Kazi at her word that it needed to be done. She's a doctor. Of some sort. Where is everyone? We're glad you asked Fiona. We should get a move on.

there's a very important meeting happening right now in the ship. In the ship. Fiona? I... I can see the ship now. Well, that's good, we're told. It's very big. Fiona, you were a bit like a mule with blinders on.

And because of that, you were about to wander right off a cliff. And not to belabor the metaphor, you must now, not unlike a mule, carry us inside a the ship, where we can get you proper answers to what I'm sure is an ocean of questions. Zebulon Mucklewain and your wife, Effie. That's us, dear. Okay. I just walk in. We're still learning how to use this ship, but I believe I can make a holographic projection. Yes, here we are.

What is this? This is Fiona's DNA. Helix. It looks the same as any of the humans in this room. But if we look closer... Whoa. What the fuck? What is that? It's a serial number on her DNA. A serial number? Why is it there? I believe it's there because she's been manufactured. She's synthetic? No. She's human, but most likely grown in a birthing chamber. She doesn't have any of the hallmarks of developing in-utero. She's a clone? Clones are inelegant and flawed.

She's authentic. Everyone on her planet is like that? Not just her planet. Show them the map. This is the galaxy we're in? This is Cryptesia. Before they abandoned this ship, our enemies tried to purge their stored memory,

but Tita managed to reconstruct some of it. This is a rudimentary map of Cryptesia. Those red dots seem to be all of the planets under their control. There's about a thousand of them, all class M planets so humans can live there. That's a lot of territory, but it's nothing compared to the Ted's. You were saying they were worse than the Ted's. I have every confidence that if they wanted to, these enemies of ours could march into the triad and conquer it in very little time. Territory isn't their goal.

What is it then? Every planet in this system has its own designation. The planet you were on yesterday, where you picked up Fiona, appears to be this one. Planet 2012. The planet we're currently on appears to be this one. Apparently, it's called the Malthusian Trap. Other planets have different names. They're a bit poetic.

The four years war. The great mortality. Ten kingdoms. These are all names from Earth history. I thought they might be. What do they mean? Oh, I'm sorry. Do you require someone who?

who's an expert in Earth history right now? Yes, but we'll have to settle for you. How dare you? Casper. Casper. The four years war is another name for World War I. The Great Mortality is another name for the Black Plague. Ten Kingdoms could be a reference to a period in China where there was a lot of political chaos.

Why are they all named after Earth history? They're all populated by Earthlings. All of them? All of them. It's not just on the planets. Inside those suits the mystery men are wearing? all earthlings. The bad guys, are earthlings too?

It's an entire galaxy of earthlings? I believe so, yes. If Tida, Laif, and David encounter any natives of this planet, they'll likely be earthlings as well. How the hell did they get here? Like I said, they were grown here. I imagine on each of these planets is a massive facility where earthling-like hominids are grown and processed.

Jesus Christ, are they eating? MAMP? Not processed for food. I wasn't quite understanding until you told me about Malu, and Ava told me about the benefactor. Who the hell is the benefactor? He's the leader. Zoom in on this corner of the map. There it is. We all remember this, right? The egg. Yes. In this galaxy, there's one solar system that seems to be encased in some sort of obscuring field that makes it look like an egg. that's where they control all of this. Control all of what? Casper, all of these historical terms, they refer to wars, plagues, political upheaval?

Yeah. And what about the one we're on now? The Malthusian trap. Thomas Malthus was a British economist. He talked about a period in history where increased food production led to population growth. The population growth then led to famine and starvation, and then everything repeated again. Because of that, civilization was trapped in a feedback loop for literal centuries. And what pulled you out of it?

Technology, the Industrial Revolution, apparently. The records we have aren't complete for this planet, but it does indicate that the ecosystems have an engineered bacteria. Is it dangerous? It eats plastics. Plastics? It would prevent anyone on this planet from developing complicated technology. You said it was technology that pulled your civilization out of this Malthusian. trap. This planet has a biological stopgap that would prevent that from happening.

So they stay stuck in the past forever. This is what you'll see on all of these planets. War, famine, plague, chaos. All of it engineered to lock people into a constant state. Okay, but 2012? Yes, that's an odd one. Perhaps we should ask Fiona. Hello, Fiona. Tell me about my planet. Luckily for us, there was a bit more information embedded in your DNA that told us about your planet, Fiona. Planet 2012.

Let me make sure I have this right. Employes a system wherein people may log into a network where they would either express dread of a thing that was coming or weigh in on something that's already happened, eliminating the present. moment. People often remarked that they felt as though they were in a forever decade where nothing ever seemed to change. Does that sound accurate, Fiona? Yes. So all of these planets are like intentional communities, all controlled from a central location. Yes. And if done correctly, you'd have people like Fiona, who's been living the same year over and over again since the day she was born. Isn't that right, Fiona?

I can see it now. Yes. How's your head? It really hurts. Why would this benefactor want people to be at war forever? Or starving forever? Is he just a psychopath or something? He's trying to save the universe.

I feel like that's not the way to do it. I mean, he's trying to save the universe from ending. By doing all this? Apparently, his entire philosophy is that a universe is shaped by the sentient minds in it. It's nonsense. but that's what he believes. He seems to think that if everyone gets locked into some sort of intractable situation, they'll stop looking forward into the future and become recursive.

If you imagine every universe as an arrow going from beginning to end, he wants to make that into a circle that constantly recycles itself. That explains why he hates the diner so much. Why is every planet different? Why is one planet 2012 and the other planet? planet is a global war or something. I'm afraid I have the answer to that one, but from growing up on a hog farm, when you want to know what feed is making the hog sick, you divide them into four groups and feed them each something different. He's looking for the best way to achieve his goal?

I believe so, my friend. This entire galaxy is his laboratory. Okay, there's one question hovering over all this. Why Earth? Why us? This guy engineered a thousand Earths and I'm guessing trillions of earthlings? Why? What's the big deal about us? I'm afraid there's a question that hovers over even that, Casper. You said it yourself. A thousand Earths, trillions of Earthlings. If he truly orchestrated all of this, it would have taken thousands of your years to do so. The work of creating all these earths and these earthlings would have had to start before earthlings even existed on earth. This isn't a despot or an evil emperor or a mad king. This is a god. Great. Hey, it's no problem. Clementine was a god, kind of.

Clementine was also a dummy. Oh, bless her heart. Also, I know three of these guys just very nearly killed all of us, but the two that Ava talked to were total idiots. There are some theories about that. Effie. Yes, I have thoughts. Y'all, there's simply no way in heck that these ne'er-do-wells thought that parading those two corn fritters in front of Ava was the best way to go about things. I met the two of them and they were as dumb as a box of hair. I'm afraid those two gents were meant to be a couple of balls of twine for Ava to bat back and forth. This benefactor guy was watching you the whole time? It was a little too easy to fuck with their heads. It looks like they sent their worst and dumbest on purpose.

What's more? I don't think there's any way this new malevolence didn't know that Kazi was whispering in Casper's ear this whole time. He knew you were sending me a message. We believe so. We believe he was trying to bait the diner into showing up nearby. So he could blast us out of the sky. But in both situations, you were more than he bargained for.

He wasn't expecting you to escape Earth. And there was no way of anticipating Effie and myself aboard his ship. We have managed to wriggle out from underneath his thumb thus far, but he's been watching us the whole time while we're doing it. All of us here have been in precarious and deadly scenarios before. This may be the most dangerous of them all. Well, I'm so glad my son decided to. come along. What's up? How are you doing? It's not like there's a paved road, so it's a little slow going,

but we're getting there. How's it going there? I've got a pretty big info dump for you when you get back, but here's the thing with this planet. There's some sort of bacteria here that eat plastic. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Is that going to screw up any of your whizbangs or thingymatics? No. All my shit is adaptive silicon now. Pretty much everything in the triad is. Plastics are the worst. Okay. Leaf.

Yeah. Seven letters. Periodic element HG. Mercury. Now that? So apparently the bad guys are using the bacteria to keep this planet in the dark ages. Kind of genius, actually. That would work.

I use plastics when I have to, but not for the important stuff. Okay. I just want to make sure that Peter is in the category of important stuff. He's fine. Okay. Keep me updated. We'll do. What's up? The mystery men put a plastic-eating bacteria on this planet to stunt its growth.

Great. Wouldn't they eventually just invent something other than plastic? Maybe. But I don't know what that would be. Every civilization goes through their shitty plastic phase. Apparently, you can't move forward as a society without ruining an ocean or two. You know what this means, though? No advanced society?

Very little rule of law. Yeah. It's going to be the Wild West out here. I have heard we're in the killbox. Keep laughing. You'll see. So tell me something, Leif. What?

Getting back to the topic of you being a terrible person who did terrible things. Yeah? Is that why you do all this? What do you mean? You could just build a ship and go wherever you want. Instead, you do this. Are you trying to make up for all that. stuff you did as a pirate?

I'd be a pretty big idiot if I thought there was someone out there keeping score, David. The universe doesn't care how good you are to your fellow man. If there was a way to take it all back, maybe I'd give it a try. But that particular

innovation is a technology that's beyond even me. I don't think it'll change anything. But it has been nice after all that to defend something beautiful. I don't know what the diner is, but it is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Not a bad way to play out the rest of your hand.

Of course, you'll always have people like Tita reminding you what a shithead you were. But that's to be expected. No, I get it. I was still doing mercenary shit on Alexa Prime when I got a weird message from someone named Labusa, telling me that she was my sister. The next thing I know, I was making the insane choice of fighting a guerrilla war against the Ted's. Shit can really change on a dime sometimes. Sometimes you wake up as somebody else without even meaning to.

Have I told you lately about the killbox? David, stay close. Fiona, you can look at that hologram of your DNA all day. You're still not going to recognize it. What am I? I could tell you your species, genus, classification. But I don't imagine that's what you mean. What are you?

Ah, that's right. You're able to see me now. I'm a lunar Linite. What is that? I come from a moon that orbits a planet called Lynn. Is it nice there? No. Is that why you left? My work took me elsewhere.

What was your work? Guerrilla warfare. Yikes. I imagine you'd rather be back at that coffee shop of yours. I don't know. I know all of this now. Yes. That does complicate things.

If I was manufactured in... some lab somewhere? Why was I? I don't fully understand the scope of what's being done in this system, Fiona. You keep calling me Fiona. That's not my name. What should I call you? Names are given to you by someone that cares about you.

It's the first act of loving your child. I wasn't loved. I was... I don't know what I was. It's very difficult to live on my home planet. It's barely habitable. We have to make alterations to our bodies at a very young age just to survive. The first procedure you have done is your lungs,

making them more efficient so you can absorb more oxygen with each breath. When we're old enough to have this procedure, there's something we say. Two bodies I am given. one a grave, one a prison. What does that mean? We're born into a body that's a prison. And our journey through life is to find the body will die in. Your body was a prison.

I've removed the blocks, and now your body is yours. I'm afraid after that, it'll be up to you. Hey, there you are. It's been a big day, Fiona. How are you doing? How do you think I'm doing? Not great. Isn't a human being just a pile of experiences? I don't have any.

I don't know what makes up a human being, Fiona, but if it's just a pile of experiences, today you traveled to another planet, met some aliens, and had brain surgery. You're catching up real quick. That doesn't help. You were going to go to a concert, weren't you? What? When I met you yesterday, you told me you were going to a concert. Not anymore.

With who? With... With some friends. Where are your friends right now? They're still there. Does that feel good? To think about your friends back there on the planet where we found you? You like the idea of them being there, living the same year over and over again like you were?

No. Then I guess that means you're in the right place. You don't need to figure it all out, Fiona. You just need to know where to start. So start here. It's as good a place as any. What's the real thing that's happening, Fiona? The most basic thing you can think of right now.

Starving. Aha. Good. That's a great place to start. Why don't you head inside and I'll make you some food. Okay. You're very good at this. You sound surprised.

I am. You're very good at this too. I'm not surprised. You run a restaurant and I'm the daughter of a legendary conqueror. I think it's more expected with me. Because it's in your blood. The place my ancestors come from on earth, it was controlled by colonizers for a long time. When there was finally a revolution, some of the most fearsome fighters were women.

I try and think about them when I'm out here. Maybe it's in my blood a little bit too. I see. Can I offer you some advice? Of course. We had to leave a lot of people behind when we left the trip. triad. I wanted to take more, but Lubuzza said we could only take about a hundred. I think about the ones we left behind every day. It may be my most preoccupying thought. With Fiona, you've taken one of them. And there may be trillions of enslaved people like her strewn across this galaxy. That's a lot of

people keeping you up at night, Gloria. What is it with the screaming? It's a bullshit psychological tactic. They're trying to freak us out. Who are they? Probably just bandits. They wait for people to walk through the woods and then they take their stuff. Okay, here we go.

How about this? When they rush us, I'll take off running and lead them away. You come up behind them. Yeah, sure. That sounds like something. Okay, David, stay here and don't get killed. Challenge accepted. Here to come.

Here they come. Here I go. My God. I can't believe that worked. Okay. Stay here and I'll be right back. I usually take an ear. Do you want an ear?

An ear? Yeah. Like a little trophy? No. I do not want an ear. You know what? I'll get you one just in case. Stay frosty.

Okay. That was a lot. A lot of math I just looked at. Sorry, I'm sure it's overwhelming. No, it's really beautiful, actually. When you unplug from the standard earthling left-to-right Western dominance, it really frees things up. I would love to read more about it. The Circle in the Spire by Rekka Ayumu or the Black Fundamentals by Umbra Messaram are a great place to start.

Write that down. I'm here to take the minutes, that's what I'm doing? You're not currently bringing me anything, so you have to make yourself useful. Well, I don't have to do that right now because look. Hi there. Anyone want coffee? Trying to stay busy. I'll have some.

Hi. I'm Fiona. Hello, Fiona. So, where are you from? I'm from next. Okay. Don't mind me. Just trying to normalize talking to aliens.

You're doing great. Fiona, we're kind of in a meeting right now. Sorry. Can I get anyone anything else? We're fine. Yes, Fiona, can you bring me a six-letter word for ungulate features? Okay. Have you gotten any of those answers yourself?

I got all the tiny words. Oops. There we go. There we go, Fiona. Nailed it. H-O-O. So here's the thing. Your work is flawless.

I don't see how that's possible. I can already tell. It doesn't have that bad math smell. Bad math smell? Yeah. You know what I mean. Then why are there gaps in what I can see? You gather data on all the matter in this universe,

and you've been saying to yourself, where did I go wrong? But I think you're asking the wrong question. Hey, couldn't the reason she can't see the mystery man is because they're from another universe? She can predict everything in this universe, but what if they're not from this universe? The diner isn't from this universe either,

and she could see that. It's not a bad question, Casper. I was able to see the diner the same way that I'm able to see the two of you right now. I sense the sounds bouncing off of you so I know you're there. Intrusions from other universes still show up in my data as a very obvious blank spot surrounded by causation. It's like throwing a sack of flower on the invisible man. You still don't see the invisible man, but you see the flower that covers him.

I see. I see. Amazing that I'm still in this conversation right now. I have an idea, but it's pretty nutty. Ooh, and I'm just about to tap. I can feel it. Your data set is the condensed matter of the universe microseconds before expansion. Yes. Effectively the beginning of the universe.

Yes. But it's only effectively the beginning of the universe. There were those brief moments before the Big Bang, before the Higgs field changed. Fractions of microseconds before everything came into being. There's no data on those moments. There's no data to be gathered. Sure. But if time and gravity and all the heavy hitters of the cosmos weren't constant laws,

but aspects that evolved and came into being as the universe expanded, then what are those fractions of microseconds before everything? Can you measure them? You're saying that the reason I can't see the benefactor is because he comes from that period before the universe decided to have things like time? What does he say he's starting? driving for. Balance in the universe. A universe that isn't a straight line, but a circle. Pure existence. In those microseconds before the Big Bang, if there was nothing like time or even space,

it would have been pure existence. He's not trying to transform the universe. He's trying to bring it back to what it was. If that's what we're dealing with, if he's a being who is a being who is, existed before even matter existed, how bound by the laws of physics would he be? How invisible would that make him to the Vistak? Do you guys hear that? What? Nothing. Keep talking about things I don't understand. You all hear that?

We hear it all right. We know what this means, right? I'm afraid we do, my friend. Let's check on Gloria, shall we? Hello! Hey there, Gloria. Any word on our... Nothing yet.

Fiona's jumped right in. She's getting people coffee. Yeah, I was doing sidework after my first 24 hours. Stuff like that is comforting. Stuff like cleaning the grill. Stuff like cleaning the grill. I'm going to go ahead and show your perturbations right now. I don't have any perturbations. Forgive us, Gloria, but a cleaning of the grill has come to hold a double meaning within these environments.

I can't believe this, but I have a question about the Bible. Oh, my. Well, let me... We both have our listening hats on, Gloria. You go right ahead. Wasn't there a point in the Bible when Jesus told some lepers to heal themselves? No. Shit, really?

I'm afraid not. It's a common mistake, Gloria. At one point, Jesus told the lepers how to continue to heal themselves, and people had a tendency to hold on a bit too hard to that point. Yes, it tends to be used in times when folks would like to not feel overburdened by the miseries of others. But sure enough, Jesus walked himself in there and said, Whiz, bang, you're healed. Just like that.

It is a bit infuriating, if I'm honest. Makes it look so easy. Bit of a show-off at times, our savior. Then, I guess I don't have a question about the Bible. Gloria, why are you asking about lepers? How many people did we leave behind on Fiona's planet yesterday? Well, Nikki Minaj, at least? Seriously.

A lot. And I just keep going? We were lucky to get out of there alive, Gloria. They weren't. They're all going to die there. Please don't tell me you're trying to make it your responsibility to save an entire galaxy. Whose responsibility should it be? They won't be able to do it themselves.

Think of the amount of people you're talking about. Going up against the Teds was insane enough, not to mention, we've got about a hundred more refugees to find. And after that, we just leave behind an entire galaxy full of enslaved people? Yes. That's exactly what we. do, Gloria, because we're a handful of people and they are a space god and his army. It's certainly a maze to be in Gloria. How does one go from one place to another bypassing the sick and the needy? There is something within us that screams out to help our fellow

beings, yet with so much sorrow in the world, one could work their whole life to save us, and find at the end they've barely moved that stone up the hill. It causes one to wonder if they should even begin. How can you feel complete in your task if the world is still filled with such sorrow, even after an eternity trying to heal it? But it should be remembered that the Lord has put no one person on the earth to heal all of its ills. We are all here together,

and our burdens should be should be shouldered together. What we're saying is, there's no shame in scooping up these refugees and then performing a healthy ski dattle out of this particular corner of the sky. You see there, Jesus approves of us not having to save literally everyone in the galaxy. Kazi told me she had to leave people behind in the triad. She said that it haunts her. I don't want to feel that way.

Gloria, step outside of yourself for a moment. What would your advice be to yourself? I imagine it'd be to fixate upon the thing right in front of you. Sometimes the big picture is overwhelming in its enormity. Can't say that I'm great about Florida. following my own advice, y'all. Hey there, guys. I don't know about you, but I think that's enough running for today. What do you say?

Hey, fellas. What are we up to today? Uh-oh. Sorts. Good a time as any for a selfie. Planet number two, y'all. Really need to find a way to post these. Fuck.

Couldn't wait to get me alone, huh? Come on. Come on. Do something. Do something. She was a fucking kid. You fucking asshole. Oh shit. Nice work, David. Nice work. Move, move, move. He's going to teleport. Wait! Come on! Just leave me your gun one time. David, you okay?

I'm okay. Let's go. Tita's finishing up back there. I don't think we should interrupt. her. Laherian bloodlust is a very real thing. She's lethally headbutted three guys at this point. It's dark. Okay. You sure you're good? I'm good. Hi. Getting dark out, Fiona. Uh, it's all right. Inside, they were talking about jumping and traveling and how it was going to happen soon, and it all sounded pretty scary.

And suddenly I was headed for the door, and there was this part of me that thought I should make a run for it and take my chances in the woods. I see. We certainly can't. Folks will do a lot just to feel some solid ground beneath their feet. And we're just sitting here, Fiona. There's nothing we can do to put a stop to you heading off. into those woods. I just don't know if I can do this. Fiona Casper, about history.

You remember that? Yes. Not sure what it is with him in history. I imagine he takes a shine to it because you always know where history is. It's right there in the past. Fiona, you know what no historian has ever. said in one of those books of there. What?

Luckily, they were alone. Is very true, Fiona. In the great stretch of time that begins with those quiet hours of the Lord hovering over the waters, all the way up to you standing there, the edge of that parking lot. Being alone has never been a welcome feeling.

Never a boom. So while the solid ground of those lonely woods may seem like a comfort, do yourself a service. Make yourself a home amongst people, won't you? Hey. David? Hey, Fiona. How was your day? Uh, who are these people?

These are the refugees. Try and keep up, Fiona. Refugees from where? All over the place. You coming in? Uh... Yeah. Take us with you now, Fiona.

Oh, sorry. Welcome back, everyone. Come right this way. I know you weren't supposed to go into the deep freeze before, but it's all fixed now. Head toward the campsite, and you'll start to see some familiar faces, okay? You're all going to be okay now. Leif, how many is that? Only seven.

Fuck. I know. I was hoping for more, too. It explains why there was a lot of. There's only one mystery man here guarding them. There was? What happened? What do you think happened? I killed him. The more refugees we capture, the more security there's going to be. Here's your gun back.

That's not my gun. That's your gun. Tita. It's called a boomhauer. Most reliable gun in the triad. There are many like it, but that one is yours. Enjoy. Ava, Laboosa, anything you'd like to share with the class? We've talked it over. If our theories are correct, the benefactor is more powerful than anyone, any of us have ever encountered.

Our official recommendation is to get the refugees and get the fuck out of this fucking galaxy as soon as we fucking can. I support that plan. Same here. We can track the diner's path from our ship. Hopefully the enemy can't. With each stop, Laboosa, Tita, and I will be following you. You okay?

I'm really scared. Okay, but be scared right here, okay? Not out there. Okay. Everyone, we're going to jump soon. At our next stop, there are going to be even more refugees to save. And if there are just a few of them each time, we're going to be making a lot of stops. The planets will often be hostile, and we're going to be hunted by the mystery men the whole time.

But we have the sisters with us. We have a ship, and we have each other. Shit, we even have a barista now. it's going to be hard, but we can do it. Gloria, if I may. Fuck it, Zebulon. Why not? Lord, in your wisdom you have placed us in a treacherous land, but with goodness trapped within.

We as your servants shall seek out that hidden beneficence and defend it in your name. As it has said, the righteous cry and the Lord He and delivers them out of all their troubles. Hear then, Lord, our reverenced cry. Fangs out, Lord. Fangs out. What is fangs out?

Fangs out. Yeah, Kazi, you're not allowed to say it if you actually have fangs. I don't have fangs. No right now. Fuck yeah. Fangs out. What does that mean? I like it.

Fang out! David. I'm not saying that. You have to say it. It's part of the thing. No. David. Thanks out. Thanks out.

And this time next month for more adventures in the vastness. And if time and tide roil you too harshly or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you. We open at six. Midnight Burger is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters, Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Society of Bethany's, Banjo Bethany. Oh, Bethany, where art thou? A non-binary thylacine named Bethany. The non-binary Bethany's take a hesitant bite of the apple and, oh, God, no, local marsh hag.

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My neural environment? My neural environment. Iron Mint? I'm afraid there's a question that hover... Oh, God, okay. Hoover's. It hovers over everything. It's a question that's hoovering up everything. Ugh.

What have come... God. Earth's, earthlings. God. I'm going to just take that second part. What's happening over there? I don't know. Earth's, earthlings, God.

Just have me say Earth over and over and over and I lose the TH. And it just earth. You can do it. You're doing a great job. I believe in myself. Creating all these earths and these earthlings would have had to start before earthlings even exist. I'm sorry, you have you said.

What's going on? Welcome to Earthling Fest, everybody. So many times. So many Earths. How many Earths could an Earthling Earth? If an earthling could Earth Earth, Earth. Oh, sorry. Earthlings, Earthlings, Earthlings.

That's all that's going through my mind right now. doing a great job. There's a lot more ease in this paragraph, though. This is so awesome. Thank you guys for letting me crash your recording session. You're literally in the episode. I know, but I wasn't scheduled for today. I wasn't scheduled for today.

Thanks for let me hang out, guys. You work here. I love the sisters episode. Interesting. Fiona, I'm going to have a look at you. A look. Kazi grabs,

Fiona's face and turns her head sharply to the left, looking at her brain. Sorry, I've got my face too hard. How's your head? No complaints yet. Sorry. It really hurts. Actually, you know, while we're here, let's just go back and do that again real quick. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Get both time. Smart and noise. Smart and noise. Smart and noise. Thank you, everyone, for being here.

I love you all. Oh, sorry. We love you, too. A little late. It was just, what a, what a preface. What a Frenchman. What a Frenchman. That was.

Yeah. I'm fine. Okay. The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.