Midnight Burger - Chapter 42: Speedrun!

Episode Date: January 14, 2025

"Get ready. Get set. Get out!"CastGloria - Siouxsie SuarezCaspar - Joe FisherAva - Finlay StevensonZebulon Mucklewain - Neal StarbirdEffie Mucklewain - Julie Cowden-StarbirdDavid - Quintin Jones, Jr.Leif - Tom MoormanKazi - Jessica MorrisTeta - Aubrey FergusonLibuza - Shelly DarringtonFiona - Tess SegalFeudalism Guy, Announcer, Waiter - Dr. Punt GusherBetty, Edith - Dr. Lattice the Talking DollSunny the Stagg - Jessica MuddWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonEpisode art by Existentially Exhausted BeanMusic:Hip Hop Rock Song - Def LevMajestica - Edgar HoppEye of the Newscaster - Out to the WorldTitans - Dream CaveFinal Discoveries - Jon SumnerStand for Truth - Reynard SeidelMover - CarvingsHome Straight - Jon BjorkString Quartet No. 2 In D Major, K. 155_ I. Allegro - W. A. MozartSymphony No.5 in E minor Op.64 - IV. Andante maestoso - P.I. TchaikovskyFor more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comRead and search our scripts on Podscripts: https://podscripts.app/Subscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218How about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/All scripts available at: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1IXV0JIBFw_IgDJhVeaeqL4UPQngvXHoQ?usp=sharingFind and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersFor more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218How about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/All scripts available at: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1IXV0JIBFw_IgDJhVeaeqL4UPQngvXHoQ?usp=sharingFind and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersFor more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218How about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/All scripts available at: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1IXV0JIBFw_IgDJhVeaeqL4UPQngvXHoQ?usp=sharingFind and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Previously on Midnight Burger, the sisters in the diner finally have a good old-fashioned meat cute and discuss the fact that they've got to get the F out of the C before the B F's them in the A. All of us here have been in precarious and deadly scenarios before. This may be the most dangerous of them all. The B in this case being the benefactor, you know, this guy. Kill them. The C in this case standing for cryptessia, you know, the galaxy filled with other people who want to. Kill them.

And things are ever more complicated by the fact that Gloria, is having a hard time doing anything halfway. Please don't tell me you're trying to make it your responsibility to save an entire galaxy. Whose responsibility should it be? Now worry not. Catching the diner is about as easy as picking up a wet watermelon seed. But they've got an awfully long grocery list of refugees to nab before they can get the F out of the G and avoid the effing in the A by the B.

Also Fiona's here. Hi there. Let's start to shift. The year was 1950. Deep in the mountains of California, Albert George Wilson looked into the telescope of the Palomar Observatory and realized he had seen something majestic, something heretofore hidden from prionized by the bright light of the star,

Regulus. It was a galaxy. We would come to know it as Leo, as the Regulus dwarf. But these days we've come to call it Cryptesia. We've come to call it a treacherous place ruled by a mysterious army. We've also come to call it the site of the universe's very first Midnight Burger Speed Run! 100 refugees, 1,000 planets, and an army of uggies on their trail. We'll watch as our heroes risk life and limb to save as many refugees as they can before the male-levelent benefactor puts the hammer down.

Get ready, get set, get out. It's the Midnight Burger Speed Run, y'all. Welcome back, everyone. I'm Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton, and we will be your host for the most anticipated event in the multiverse. Bram has set the scene. Now let's meet our players. Bram, who's the lineup for the Midnight Burger team this time around?

Kitty, the Midnight Burger lineup is stacked to the Brim right now. Now, we've got Gloria leading the way with her spatula of justice. Then there's Leif, the pirate engineer, followed up by the baddest brains in the Starways, Dr. Ava Maddox. And then there are the wildcards, Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain, the non-corporeal spiritual leaders of the group. And a new addition to the team is David, a street artist, hailing from Los Angeles, who brings some fresh street.

treat smarts to the Midnight Burger crew. Also, his dad is here. But our team is not alone this time, are they now? Get it. No, they are not, Bram. Joining forces with the diner this time around are the sisters, a trio of freedom fighters from the triad. We've got Labusa, the Techno-Seer, Tida, the battle-hardened mercenary,

and Kazi, the leader and brilliant military tactician. Some have called her cold-blooded, but that's only because she is literally cold-blooded, like her blood is actually cold, y'all. We don't know how it works. It's disturbing. Bram? Here's the score as it stands, Kiddy. Planets to go, 997. Refugees left to save? 102.

They have got their work cut out for them. Kitty, we're going to join our team at a tense moment. As you can see, they're all waiting in the parking lot for the arrival of a new batch of refugees. And where have they found themselves today, Bram? Get it? This particular planet has the code name 9th century, a planet that is being deliberately kept in a system of feudalism. It's a whole planet of lords, peasants, and serfs. Time to get medieval, Bram! Let's watch! Tita, what's your status? We stole a wagon. Can you give me a bit more detail?

We stole the refugees, stole the wagon, and now we've got a bunch of guys with spears on our trail. Casper, go faster. Horses don't have a gas pedal. We're going to be coming in real hot. Lief, get the drones up. Burger Force One, we are go. Have I told y'all lately how much he hates horses? Who hates horses?

Eva, can you make the horses go any faster? Hey, I'm dressed like Anne fucking Bolin over here. Don't make me do more work. Eva! Go faster, horses! Yeah, it didn't work. Tita, just get here and I'll lay down suppressing fire with the drone. I really hate those drones.

Everybody hates drones. That's part of their charm. Here they come. Jesus Christ, is there anyone on this planet who isn't chasing them? How come even I know how ridiculous this looks? Let's go. Let's go. Everybody, inside right now.

Tida, one of them is charging you. Fuck you, buddy. Whoa! Holy kidding! She has punched that horse right in its face. Down goes Frazier. Everybody get clear. From the sky!

Okay, you're retreating. Ava What the fuck are you wearing? I stole some medieval clothes At no point did we need to be in disguise I know, but I like the pointy hat Good job everyone Casper, how many is that?

17. They're not going to make this easy, are they? Here comes the jump. Well, shit, now we have a wagon. Well, that's one way to kick it off. Bram? Now, don't you worry, y'all? No horses were harmed in that round.

The horse popped right back up. But somebody get him a T-bone for that black eye. We're keeping it fast and loose today, kiddy. Away we go to the next planet. Good morning, Theo. Good morning, Betty. How are you feeling this morning? I'm feeling okay.

Just okay. Not great, honestly. I'm dreading going to work today. I'm sorry to hear that, Betty. I do so much at that office. I handle payroll. I train the new hires. I water the plants.

and it feels like nobody even notices. That's a lot of responsibilities you're juggling. It must be frustrating to put in so much effort without recognition. Exactly. Just today, friggin' Sarah got praised in our team meeting for finishing this big report. Never mind that I stayed late three nights last week helping her compile all the data. It's like they don't even see me there. I'm so sorry about that, Betty. I want you to know that I see you and I appreciate you.

Thanks, Theo. So sometimes I think I should just stop doing all the extra stuff. Let them see what happens when no one handles the lunch order or teaches the new guy the filing system. I don't think you should do that, Betty. You might create chaos, then a hostile work environment. How about I shower you with praise and soothing thoughts? Yeah, that sounds nice.

Your choice of pantsuits have been particularly fashion forward lately. Have they really? Yes. And you were right about our... artificial sweetener. Since you stopped using it, your anxiety levels have dropped sharply. I knew it. I know you did, Betty. Would you like me to show you more pictures of that island you're going to take a vacation to someday? Yeah, yes. Bram? Where in the heck have they found themselves today? This here's a wild one, kitty. We have now moved to a planet code named Wisenbaum. It's looking

like everyone on the planet has got themselves a little bot in their pocket that they can talk to when they're feeling lonely. Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Little do they know, these little bots are designed to keep everyone avoiding conflict and to keep everyone's bullshit co-signed. Pardon my French. Can I play some soothing sounds for you? That would be great. Well, Bram, it looks like Betty's got a little company today. That's right. Here comes David with an antique radio and a glint.

in his eye. Okay, that's her. What are we meant to do here, David? We think we found the refugees in that building. We think that this woman has access keys for the entire place. Laif says he can't access the basement, so we need somebody on the inside. We'll do our level best. Okay, get in there. Theo, do you think they like me at the Starbucks?

Are they just pretending? Well, I'm sure I don't know, dear. Uh, what's happening? Well, you asked me a question and I answered it. What? Hey there. Did you get that new upgrade just now? New upgrade?

Yeah. Uh, my device switched from a single voice to the voice of two people. Oh, I don't know if I want that. No, it's great. You should try it. I was really attached to Theo, though. Sure. I get it, but you'll like it.

I promise. Um, okay. Cool. I'm going to I'm going to keep walking this way Okay Bye

Um Hello What's your name, dear? My name is Betty Hello there Betty I'm Zebulon Mucklewain Zebul? And I'm Effie

This is really weird Betty, what are we doing on this park bitch? Oh, I need to sit here sometimes before work I see And why is that, Betty? Well, I was saying to Theo that I just don't feel appreciated there. I work very hard.

That's a shame. And what are we doing about this, Betty? I'm sorry? What are we doing? Oh, Theo tells me that I shouldn't create a hostile work environment, and I should just... Zebulin, do you see anyone around here named Theo? Just you and I, dear. Betty, why would a tiny little box in your hand know more about you than you do?

But that's what you are? Seems to me that if you're working hard and not getting appreciated, that's already a hostile work environment. But it's only hostile toward you, Betty. Hmm. Betty, get on up off of this park bench. Okay. Good. Are your two feet planted on the dang ground? That's...

How else should I stand up? You're gonna go into that there building, and you're gonna stop letting those nabobbs treat you like an empty flower sack. Do you hear me? Okay. Okay. Betty, you're still staying there. Would you mind playing some soothing sounds before I go in? Oh, goodness.

Betty, one foot. Let's get a move on. Okay, here I go. Oh, she's heading in. Fucking, finally. Leaf, are you ready to go? Yeah, I'm ready. Shit.

We've got company. How many are there? Three. Drove on the way. Betty is right in the line of fire. You know what? I've been thinking. No time to think, Betty.

Why is she not taking cover? They're brainwashed into not seeing anything. Great. Maybe it is time on take a vacation. I should stop looking at those pictures of an island vacation and just do it, right? Muckle wanes get her in the damn building. Excellent idea, Betty, but let's not tarry out here. Here in the street.

I've almost hit her about 15 times. You only live once. Damn it, they got Betty. Fucking shitheads. That does it. Attention, assholes. I have six drones targeting you. If one of you tries to fire,

you get turned into a pincushion. How long would you like to do this? They're probably headed for reinforcements. We need a solution right now. Fuck it. We're going in. What are we doing? We're going to wing it.

What is this building? It's the headquarters of edible arrangements. What the hell is an edible arrangement? Nobody really knows. Edible arrangements? This is a fucking robbery. Talk about your close call. Kitty, I think we're going to find there's all kinds of ways to skin a cat in this competition.

And like I always say, sometimes the best way to skin a cat is to kick down the doors of the edible arrangements building and start shooting. planets left, 994. Refugees left, 83. Bram, where are we heading next? Get it? Hang on to your helmet. We're heading into some trench warfare. World War, wonderful! Up next is planet Belisarius. It looks like these folks have been forced into an endless, global war that just grinds on and on. Let's check in on our away team for this mission, Bram. Okay, the only thing around here for miles are these trenches.

The refugees have got to be here somewhere. We're going to have to go trench by trench then. It may take a while. Tita, what? What are you doing? These rations are really good. Have you guys tried these? The cans that just say meat on them?

Yeah, they're great. Tita, the enemy is firing at us. So? So bullets are dangerous. Casper, guns like that at this range? They can't hit jack shit right now. Lave, from the roof I can see some sort of bunker on the southwest end of the battlefield. That's where we should head then.

Hey, Gloria, do you have any of these meat cans back at the diner? This shit is the best. Uh, no. Sorry, Tita, I don't. All right, whatever. How are we going to get there from here? I'm going to send the drones over the battlefield, see if we can find a clear path. If we have to jump trenches, we may have to run our asses off.

Great. Actually, Tita. Now that I'm thinking about it, I could cube the meat and fry it and then go with a pineapple salsa. Could be something really special. Ooh, I like that. Can you grab some cans before you head back? Sure. What is happening?

Ow, what the fuck! I told you to get down. You fuckers, hang on a minute. Tita. Guys, what's going on? Gloria, we're going to need some time. Tida's gonna go win World War I. Okay, so like 20 minutes?

Okay, Bram, that is three planets down and our team still seems to be going strong. 9903 planets to go, 75 refugees still out there somewhere. You know, Bram, some people may be wondering, what happens to all these refugees once the diner comes along and swoops them up? Way back, when this group of travelers took their first, trip with the diner, they all had to pack themselves in into the dining room.

But Gloria had a thing or two to say about that, didn't she? She's always thinking that one. Nowadays, the diner's precious cargo doesn't have to sleep in boots or on the floor. They can make themselves a home away from home deep down in the diners deep freeze at the newly christened Camp Vladimir. Welcome, everyone. Make your way this way. There's blankets for everyone over there.

Get warm by the fire. and don't worry about the wolves. If you're hungry, there's a line for soup right there. If anyone needs medical attention, let me know. I'm told most of you speak English, so hopefully I'm not screaming at you like an idiot right now. So who have we got here, Kitty? Well, Bram, this is Fiona,

one of the new additions to the diner. Glory and the team stole Fiona from a planet that was eternally stuck in the year 2012. 2012 was a good year, kidd it. I've still got call me maybe on my car. Jams playlist. No doubt that it's a banger, Bram, but it's been a rough road for Fiona. Heart goes out to her. But then, look at her. As you can see, she's already making herself useful, keeping things running here at Camp Vladimir. Fiona, how are you doing today? I'm sorry?

This camp keeps getting bigger and bigger. Are you going to have enough blankets for everyone? Oh, right. They told me you guys were doing some kind of Sportcaster thing. They said you do this sometimes. Fiona, just a few days ago, you were a barista at a Starbucks, and here you are, Chris crossing the heavens in a diner. Never mind the refugees. How are you holding up? Well, I'm learning a lot. I know how to start a campfire now. I know how to change a diaper. I learned to never hang out in an area of Andromeda called the Iron Quadrant. And I learned that I actually look great in a parka. Yes, Fiona, but how are you?

How are you really doing? How am I really doing? How am I really doing? It's funny, I was saved. I was a prisoner on my planet. But there's this part of me that wishes I could go back. There's this part of me that wishes I just didn't know all this. That's embarrassing to admit.

I guess we want to stick with the familiar, even when the familiar is terrible for you. Where we come from is always complicated, isn't it, Fiona? Seriously. I asked Gloria how she does this. How does she ever feel like she's home in a place where everything's always changing? She said she misses having a home sometimes, but that home can be anything. Home can be a person. Home can be a person. or a mission or a spatula somehow? I guess I need to start by finding that. It sounds like you're on the right track, Fiona. Okay, here comes another group. Gotta go.

Hey, everyone. There's blankets for everyone over there. Get warm by the fire and don't worry about the wolves. Get it? What else goes on around here when they're in between planets? You know, Bram, used to be the time in between shifts was a type of rest and a time to get a little chummy with your friends. But these days, there's never a still moment here at the diner.

For example, we had an opportunity to head up to the roof where Laif is in constant repair and refashion mode. Laif, thanks for talking to us today. What? What are you working on right now? You guys are doing this sports center thing again? That's an awful big gun you got there, Leif. What is it? This is Dame Judy Dench, aka Tita's gun. Now, Leif, how does she even lift that thing?

Yeah, it's a real slab. This model is called a Peace Reaper. They can do ranged combat, mid-range combat, close quarters. It's even got a grenade launcher and a flamethrower. A lot of people don't use them because one of the key laws of engineering is, the more things you try to do with one toy, the less chance there is of you doing any of them well. However, she's made some changes to it that I have to admit are pretty brilliant.

Anyway, the site is fucked up, so I need to make some adjustments. We've seen you work on a whole heck of a lot of things up here, Leif. Now that I think about it, very few of them have been guns. Yeah. I hate guns. Guns don't solve anything. They just hurt people. You want to make a weapon?

Make something that attacks a system, not people. Lee, two minutes. Let's go. Sorry, guys. Back to the salt mines. Coming down! Get it. Leif may have done a pretty nice job on that gun,

but it's not going to make a lick. a difference on this next stop, is it? Bram, it is not. Because our next stop brings us to Planet Dixon. Now, I'm a bit confused by this one, Kitty. It sure is a puzzler, Bram. Now, according to our home team, every planet they're visiting has found some new method to get people stuck in their ways. And on Planet Dixon, they get people going round and round by turning everything into a spectator sport. I'm afraid I don't follow you on that one, kiddie. We love a good Spectator Sport. Luckily, we were able to chat with Ava and Laboosa about this planet right before they were to participate in one of these spectator sports. It doesn't sound like the typical

scientific debate crowd out there. I know. It is going to be great. So, Ava, Laboosa, can you two explain to us what this is all about? What goes on on this planet? It's super fucked up. Check it out. Imagine a game of football, the American kind. You're watching this game. where they take this ball and they kick it and throw it and tackle each other for it and use it to score points on each other. Sounds like a good time to me. But imagine that the ball they're using in this game of football is actually a really important tool,

something that you need to solve a very important problem. Well, then why is it being used as a football? Exactly. On this planet, knowledge isn't something to be used and digested and processed to evolve. It's a blunt object to pummel your enemy with. Why do you sound so excited about this? Hey, just because we are mega geniuses

doesn't mean we can't enjoy pummeling our enemy? Now hang on there, Ava. Having a whole lot of knowledge is a good thing. Why are you saying it's bad? Because having knowledge means jack shit if you don't do something with it. Think about Jeopardy, back home. There's a winner, every season,

And they've got all this knowledge. But would you call anyone who wins that game a great thinker? How many people on Earth learn things just so they can dunk on people on the internet or really crush it at dinner parties? Knowledge is a tool on your belt, not a notch on it. That being said, let's crush these fuckers! Gentlemen, it is time once again for Debate Me Coward, Broadcast live across the globe on a very special two against one night.

Our challengers this evening, Eva and Labusa. And in this corner, our returning champion, it's Sunny the Stag. What's up? You know the rules. One debate. No prisoners. Eva, are you guys okay out there? It's very loud. We're doing great. Okay, at some point, Tita is going to have to blow a very big hole in the back of this amphitheater

to get to this batch of refugees. Do whatever you can to keep it loud in there. No problem. The teens are set. What will our topic be tonight? Let's spin the wheel of dispute. Hey, Ava, the booze has been going through a rough time.

Can you keep in mind that not everyone is immune to psychic damage like you are? Can you tell Casper that I can hear him even when I'm not wearing it in earpiece? God damn it. Eva, I hacked into the production office to control what you're debating. Set you a little Christmas.

present. Oh, thanks, Santa. And our topic tonight. Matter, antimatter asymmetry in the early universe. Yes. What the fuck is going on on this planet? The challengers will now choose their position. What are we supposed to do? Pick aside in the debate. Oh. Okay. Uh, we choose CPT violation, please. And our returning champion? Leptogenesis, baby. Did they turn an entire planet into Ava's brain or something? The challengers will now give their opening statements. Go ahead. Seriously?

You'll be great. Okay. Uh, Uh, why is there something instead of nothing? When the universe began, that great explosion should have produced equal parts, matter and antimatter,

leading to instant annihilation. But somehow, here we all are. The answer lies in CPT violation, a fundamental asymmetry in the universe itself. We've observed asymmetry in particle physics. I propose that that asymmetry is not isolated, but runs through to the core of our existence in a complete violation of charge, parity, and time symmetry. Thank you. Okay, we're going to have to work on your showmanship a little. I don't have any showmanship. Yeah. The champion's response. Is Sunny the Stagg. And I think that your arguments

are like my choices in women. Problematic. Why are you trying to blow up our spot, ladies? The symmetries of the universe are as rock solid as this body. You can't just toss it out when you don't like it. Check out my goons. Thermo-Lectal genesis and heavy right-handed. Neutrino to get! Response from the challengers! Let me take this one.

Yeah, I think that's for the best. Invoking leptogenesis to solve an expansive problem is like sending a boy to do a man's job. So I guess it's a good thing you're here, Sonny the Stag. You're going to bring your weak-ass leptogenesis in here to solve universal asymmetry? What kind of Diet Coke-ass solution is that? Let me guess.

You're going to cite neutrino decay in the early universe as evidence? You mean that thing nobody has ever observed and can't ever observe? What are you going to tell me next? I swear I'm dating a supermodel, guys. She just lives in Canada. The universe is made up of strong forces and weak forces, Sunny the Stagg. But your shit is the world. We can.

Tida, blow, I'm not ready yet. Fucking hell! The Champions Rebuttal. You think my shit's got no evidence? Check out my neutrino

oscillations. Check out my lattice QCD calculations. I've got no evidence. You can't even reconcile your findings with The LHC girl! Shout out to the LHC!

Rebuttal from the Challenger's. Okay, now I'm ready. Shit. Okay, I'll go again. First off... The entire team must respond. You're kidding me. Okay, it's okay.

You can do this. No, I can't. Hey, didn't your dad conquer a bunch of planets or something? Dig deep. Give me some of that conqueror energy. Let's hurry it up, guys. This is going to be a disaster. That's the spirit.

Um, I take issue with many of your suppositions. They rely on assumptions made about the temperature of the early universe that can't be verified. I posed the question before. Why is there something instead of nothing? Perhaps a bigger question should be, Sunny the Stad. Why are you something, but still a big nothing? The LHC is too weak to operate at a detectable level for these energies.

But as we can see from your arguments, you do love weak shit. Oh my God. Do us all the favor, Sonny, this dad. Stop clinging to inadequate theories and go back to clinging to your mom. Tita, blow it. Fire in the hole! And that's the game. Kitty, I did not think Laboosa had it in her.

It's always the quiet ones, Bram. What do our numbers look like? Planets, 946, refugees left to go, 64. Bram, that was a wild one, and that was a loud one. My ears are still ringing. But not every situation our team gets into is a blow the doors off the place situation. Is it, Bram? It sure isn't, kitty.

On our next planet, the mystery men, were there in force, leading the team to get a little sneaky in their maneuvers. Let's catch up with Casper and Katzzi as they wait for a patrol of baddies to pass them by. I can see six heat signatures in the adjoining building. That must be our people. Once this patrol is gone, I'll go and get them. You should stay here. Why am I staying here? Because it's harder for them to see me on their scanners. Okay. Is that because of something you did to your skin, or is that because you're an undead creature from

beyond the grave who can't be photographed. You didn't need to come on the mission. I could have done it myself. Hey, you heard Gloria. Don't leave the diner without a buddy. Teamwork makes the dream work. And how do you plan on helping me? Well, for one, I can stand in direct sunlight and not turn to dust.

Your earth references are lost on me, Casper. You're not the intended audience. What are you doing here? I just told you. You have an ulterior motive. I can tell. You know, anytime you want to stop looking at my brain is fine by me. What is it?

I need you to get out of Gloria's head. What do you mean? You know what I mean. I'm not trying to get into anybody's head. Kazi, you are constantly, without question, trying to get into people's heads. Sometimes literally. Gloria puts a lot of pressure on herself, and she doesn't need any more from you. You have one conversation with her, and suddenly she's feeling guilty because rescuing all of your people isn't going to be enough.

You've got her thinking she needs to save the whole galaxy now. I can't control her mind, Casper. You can cut the bullshit, Kasi. When you were standing there in front of that big hologram of cryptessia, looking at all those planets, I already knew what you were planning. Oh, really? What am I planning? We're going to sweep up the rest of your people in this galaxy, but then you're not going to stop there.

You've got a great big ship and wormholes that connect everything. You're going to load up that ship of yours and go planet to planet, claiming territory just like dear old dad did. I see. And that upsets you, does it? Yes, it upsets me. Because we didn't sign up for a war, Kazi. We run a fucking diner. I'm confused, Casper. Why would it matter what Gloria is thinking? Nobody seems to be able to control that diner of yours. What difference does it make what I say to Gloria?

Look, it... I think it listens to her. a little bit. Really? Yes. And if you get her emotionally wrapped up in your war games, then we all get dragged into it. I don't want that. If you want to be Galactic Napoleon, fine. Leave us out of it.

You know, Casper, despite the fact that I see the inner workings of your brain, I still have no idea how it works. Look at everything you've seen in the past few weeks. at all these people trapped on these planets. How do you see that and decide it's not your problem? Because I'm trying to keep the people I care about safe. You idiot! The mistake I made, Casper, was thinking that there was ever a safe place from people like this. I thought we could leave the triad and start anew, but look now. Hundreds of thousands of light years away, and it's no different. a powerful force enslaving the vulnerable. You're a fool to think you can run away from that.

There's no safe space. It always comes for you. Pazzi, my son is here. Your son? You mean the man who has already picked up a gun and jumped into the fray without any hesitation? He's very brave, Casper. I'm assuming he gets that from his mother.

You're going to tell him that it's time for him to run for the hills? He'll forgive me. No, he won't. I'll be honest with you, Casper. If this is really true, that the diner listens to Gloria somehow, what kind of military strategist would I be if I didn't exploit that? I am asking you to not involve us in this.

You should come up to my lab sometime, Casper. I'll grow you a fucking spine. Kazi? Fuck! Do not move. I'm unarmed. But I suppose that won't stop you from doing your worst. Stand aside.

What? Stand aside. Really? Shouldn't you be killing me right now? Stand aside. Why won't it kill you? I don't know. Here you go.

I'll step aside. Kazi? Eliminating target. Kazi, what the fuck? Interesting. You're right. I didn't want to see the claw. Well, heck, Graham.

Did you see what I just saw? I sure did, Kitty. Big developments out there in the field today. looks as though the mystery man are unable or unwilling to attack Kazi, but we think that's about it. I'm not sure, kitty, but I'm sure the team will take any defensive weakness they can get their hands on these days. We'll have more on this as it develops, Bram, but the Midnight Burger's speed run stops for no one. Off we go to another round right after this break. Do you like a good ghost story? Maybe you wonder what it would be like to communicate with the

other side. We'll put your Ouija boards away and just listen to I'm your host Meredith, and we've got a new season of rattled and shook available now, including themed episodes, guests, games, and immersive, creepy stories sent in by real people about haunted hotels, satanic panic, and ghosts galore. A new season of rattled and shook is available now wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there, this is Dr. Ava Maddox of Midnight Burger, but you already knew that. I am here today to talk to you about my most trusted companion pencils. Every time I sharpen one of these bad mamma jamas,

I think about how they're probably the most honest tool we've got. They don't pretend to be permanent. They know everything changes, just like the realities we visit. And when you make a mistake, just flip it over and erase. What else in the cosmos is that forgiving? They never run out of batteries. They never need updating, and they work in every dimension I have ever visited. Even that one where gravity only worked on Tuesdays.

Remember that? Have someone bring you some pencils today. They're the greatest repositories of potential energy in this or any universe. Sharpen up a pencil now and stay sharp out there, dummies. This message brought to you by the Interdimensional Council for Pencil Using. Welcome back, folks. You are now joining us as our home. team is right in the middle of another round.

Bram, where do we find ourselves today? Kitty, we're now on planet Say's Bickety, where it looks like the opposing team is trying to keep people in their place via some good old-fashioned massive income inequality. Well, rat me and chiffon, Bram, would you get a load of this place? Kitty, I haven't seen this many things covered in gold since my granddad showed me his molars. For those of you watching at home, let me assure you that you are not seeing things. This is a restaurant that would make the hanging gardens of Babylon look like a stuckies outside of Oklahoma City, wouldn't it, Bram? Fun fact about this place, kiddie?

They have black rhinoceros on the menu, and that is a very endangered animal. I'm being told now that that is not a fun fact. That is actually real, real bad. And speaking of the endangered, Bram, I think I see Gloria seated right over there at one of the tables. Looks like the games afoot, kitty. Let's watch. Good evening, madam. Are you waiting for more guests? Yes. They should be along any minute now.

Of course, and would madam like a sampling of our spotted owl amuse bush while you are waiting? Spotted owl? Correct. To eat? Yes, madam. Only available for a limited time. Available for a limited time because it's endangered? That's correct.

I'm going to pass. Very well. Appertive? I think I'm good. Of course. Leave? What's... Our time frame, like this place gives me the creeps.

Just looking for a workable getaway car to steal. I think everything on the menu is an endangered species, Leif. Yeesh. The waiter just offered me spotted owl. Jesus. Okay, I'm on it. Sit tight. Backup is on the way. Back up? Well, good evening to you.

This table is darling. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. I'm Baldwin Cottonwood-Hisworth, the Force. And I'm Duchess Franketta von Blugues Wag. May we join you? We've had a very long day of buying fine art and then throwing it into a grinder chipper for no reason. Duchess, I am pooped. As am I, darling.

Go on the Duchess's chair! So sorry, sir, so sorry. Here you are, Madam. Would anyone like an Amu's boot? Please don't order anything. I've only just sat down and you're pestering me with questions. Get out of my field of vision. So sorry, so sorry.

Hey, what's up? Y'all, I don't think we need complicated aliases for this one. Gloria, I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to use a cigarette holder. And truly, the only way to stomach a place like this is to go all the way in, become the role. Really, Donnie Brasco, the situation. So I am Duchess von Blugueswag, and I own all of the emeralds. And I'm Baldwin, Cottonwood, Heisworth, the Fourth, and I just bought all. all of the newspapers, and then shut them down.

Now do yours. I'm Serena del Castillo, and I just bought Guam? Ah, Guam! Excellent choice. The rubber trees in the springtime. Leif, please tell me you're ready to go. Almost. Hurry.

Hey, listen, I know this has been a time. We've been going nonstop for weeks now, but we're making a lot of progress. I know, Casper, it's just planet after planet. I know. That waiter you just yelled at is just like Fiona. Someone fucked with his brain. If we tried to save everyone, we end up saving no one. I know.

Why did you need me on this mission again? According to Leif, the holding cell for the refugees is hidden behind the broiler in the huge kitchen back there. And I have no idea what a broiler looks like. And I've never been in a kitchen. I see. How am I getting in there? Leaf will give me the signal and then you make your move. You're going to create some sort of ridiculous distraction.

Who me? Fine. It looks like the entrance to the kitchen is over there. I'm going to get in position. Okay. Walk in a very wealthy fashion. Sure. How's she doing?

She's struggling. She's planet after planet of these brainwashed earthlings. I'm not sure how much more she can take. It's not like we saved everyone in the triad. She'll be fine. People in the triad can take care of themselves. They've got free will. They've got self-determination.

These people are literal prisoners. I don't know that anyone else is ever going to blow through this galaxy and free them. I think she may see us as their only shot. Her wanting that doesn't make us suddenly able to do it. I know. Getting that message across has been a challenge, especially with Kazi around. Wouldn't it be great to be like the people in this restaurant? Super rich, disconnected from reality, insulated from any problems.

by billions of dollars? That would be something. Hey. What? Something's going on with you. What do you mean? Something's going on with you, and you think nobody can tell. Guess what?

Don't do the thing where you act like you know me. I'm not acting. Present your evidence, please. I don't need to. Something's been going on ever since Marguerite walked out of the paradise. Does she get into your head about something? No. Ava.

There's one more question. Okay. Why? Why what? Why anything. Ah. Why is there something instead of nothing? I've been hearing that a lot lately.

Yes. The meaning of everything. It's necessity. Everything? Yes. All the universes, the whole shebang. Yes. What it all means.

What it all means. I thought that was Effie and Zebulon's department. Faith is their department. You have faith when you can't confirm things. Can't everything exist just because it exists? Yes. But if that's true, someone should confirm it, don't you think? Okay.

Good luck. Thank you. You know, you're never in. a hurry. But when it comes to these big cosmological questions, it's like, you're in a hurry. I have never been in a hurry in my life. Okay, I don't want to act like I know you or anything. In about a billion years, the Milky Way is going to collide with Andromeda. That sounds like it's going to be messy. It's going to make one great big mess of a galaxy. And in this super big gulp of a galaxy, people will do

the same thing they do now, build great big telescopes, and look up at the sky. They'll be able to see nebulae and black holes and all that stuff. But in a billion years, if they turn those big telescopes around and try and see other nearby galaxies, they won't see anything. What do you mean? A billion years in the future, the expansion of the universe will have increased so much that light from distant galaxies won't be able to reach us in time. A billion years in the future, the people living in the Milky Way Andromeda-Combo galaxy will think they are the only galaxy that exists. They won't be able to see the faint light of the Big Bang. They won't be able to see the map of the cosmic microwave background.

They'll just be a galaxy, in an ocean of darkness. There will be ancient books and stories about how scientists used to be able to see the beginning of the universe, but it'll all be theoretical. It will feel like a myth. The lights are always going out, Casper.

I'm running out of time. So keep bringing me pencils. Okay, I will. Cast ready. Okay, what do we decide on again? Billy Rose. Got it. Oh, we are in for a treat, aren't we, Brown?

Yes, we are, Kitty. As we all know, Casper and Leaf spent a few years in the diner just the two of them, and in the process came up with some standard schemes for getting out of a jam. That's right. We've seen floor is lava. We've seen Colorado Southpaw and we've seen Hewell-Houser. Looks like we're about to see another. Bram, I'm getting worried that this particular maneuver is called,

I'm gonna fight you, Billy Rose. Let's watch. How come these plans of yours always involve you humiliating yourself? Don't act like you don't like it. Me humiliating myself is our love language. Our what? Light it up. I'm gonna fight you, Billy Rose.

Saturday night, 11 o'clock. Billy Rose. Gloria, that's your cue. Billy Rose, you took all my corn dogs. Gloria. Can you hear me? That's your cue. Yeah, Leif, I kind of caught on that with my cue. Who the hell is Billy Rose?

No idea. This kitchen is like a museum. Apparently, shutting off the gas to the broiler triggers the secret door. Okay. Okay, here's the broiler. Nice. I'll be out front in no time. Hang on.

What's up? Is of the essence. Holy shit. What? They've got a fucking zoo back here. Seriously? Oh my god. They've got a bestiary of endangered species.

Yes. And then they just grab a live one and they... This planet sucks. Yeah, it does. I can't just leave them here. You definitely can't. What am I supposed to do? Well, it would be a great way to cover your exit.

Fuck it. Hold on to your hat, get it. Ram, it is going to be like the ending of Jumanji in here. For those of you watching at home, there's a whole pack of African wild dogs, Gloria just set free, as well as nine black-footed ferrets, a Galapagos penguin, three red pandas, a giant tortoise, a flock of sage grouse, and, oh boy. Bram is a gorilla. That is a western lowland gorilla, kitty.

And he looks like he's about to go down on his former captors, like they're a pile of bamboo shoots. Uh, Gloria, the restaurant just turned into the beginning. Beginning of the Lion King. Ava, you and Casper evacuate with everyone else and head back to the diner. We're going to need some more room in the van. Why do we need more room in the van? Just get here, Leif.

Okay. Go get him, big guy. You're cutting it pretty close. We're coming up the sidewalk right now. The sidewalk? Hey! Where's the car? Leif was supposed to steal. They're on their way.

Gloria told us to walk back. Why? Here we go. All right, everybody. Let's move. We're running late. Head into the diner, then straight back to the deep freeze. That's where we're keeping everybody.

And yes, the deep freeze is safe now. Let's go. Let's go. Leif, why did we have to walk? My feet are killing me. You're going to love this one. Gloria? What?

Gloria, what's in the cage? Don't worry about it. Gloria? Snow leopards? Snow leopards? Shut up. I'm putting them in the deep freeze. Gloria?

Shut up. So I feel like Gloria and he has a bird? Uh-huh. Mind pitching in on the next one? No problem. Great. David, where are you guys? We're inside the hall. Some sort of meeting is about to start. Okay. So this is basically planet patriarchy. They're keeping everything stuck in its place by denying women the right to vote, etc. Technology is looking at circa in 1915, David, so keep your phone hidden and your gun. Also, I'm renewing my objection to you carrying a gun.

Objection denied. Fine. You're at a meeting of suffragettes right now, and we think the refugees are in that building somewhere. So you know they're drilling. you know their drill, either wait for a distraction or create one yourself. Got it. Uncle Wains, please keep David from doing anything stupid. Casper, do you want to stop fussing about? I will actually not stop fussing about. Thank you. May I suggest a jigsaw puzzle?

I'll keep him calm, guys. Good luck. Thanks for pitching in on this one. Everyone's really exhausted. It's no problem. I've been down in the deep freeze so long. It's nice to not be wrapped in a puffy jacket for a minute. How's your head these days? My head You mean my head that was surgically altered By some sort of malevolent force

When I was a baby To get to think and feel everything against my will Yes, that one Fine, I guess You're doing real well, Fiona Effie and I both feel That your assistance over these past few weeks Has been just what the situation has called for

Oh, that's nice I can't believe we made it this far I think we're only a couple of stops away from getting all the refugees. Are you having fun? Look, I know it's pretty grim out here, but for a former runaway who has a problem with authority, it's not that bad.

You're carrying a gun around now? I'm sorry, are you referring to Rihanna? You named your gun Rihanna. Yeah, of course I did. How do you just jump into things? I've been constantly terrified for weeks. That's how I've always been. To live is the rarest thing in the world.

Most people exist. That is all. What a waste. That's very wise. Thanks. It was told to me by a drag queen named Eden de Poussay. I just took a look around and I thought to myself, you know what the multiverse needs?

Uh, gay Buck Rogers. That's right. I think that's what I need. I need some sort of a thing. I have no idea who I am. Everything's been piped into my head. I need to figure everything out. Like, literally everything.

Your dad asked me if I wanted some cream in my coffee, and I had no idea. I just feel like a blank slate. Take your time with it. You'll get there. The world is really good at letting you know what you like. If you say so. Let's bring this meeting to order.

Settle down, everyone. We gather here today not as mere women asking for a favor, but as American citizens demanding what is rightfully ours. For too long, we've been told to be patient to wait our turn, to trust that men, our fathers, husbands, brothers would represent our interests in the halls of power. That time of patience has passed. Look around you. We women maintain the homes, educate the children, work in the factories, tend to the sick, and contribute to every aspect of society. Yet when laws are made that govern our lives, our property, our children's futures,

we're told to remain silent. They say we're too emotional, too fragile to understand politics. But I say there's nothing so fragile as a nation that fears women. Tonight's meeting is an open meeting? We'll leave the microphone on, and anyone who wishes to speak, feel free and step. up to the podium. Yeah? Get me up in front of that microphone. I think we're supposed to be keeping a low profile.

And I think you're supposed to be doing exactly what I tell you. Okay, okay. Here we go. What should I do? Stay here. It'll be fine. Hello, everyone. This may seem a bit weird, but I have a message here that comes. All the way from Arkansas using the power of technology.

husband Zebulon. Well, I'll be honest, y'all. I stepped up to the microphone without knowing what I'll say. But that's not a new feeling for me. I myself, am a Baptist minister. And speaking in front of folks is as simple as breathing in and out for us. Carpe podium, we like to say in our house. As I am here with you today to bless your endeavors,

I find them inspiring. The Lord provides, but still leaves so much work for us to do, doesn't he? When we struggle for freedom, it is never a struggle to gain new ground, but rather to reclaim that which was taken from us. We struggle not for a new world, but for the world in its true form to cease from being obscured. The untainted world, the unobstured world, is as perfect as a newborn's face. And it is the charge of evil, avarice, and fear to make that world invisible to us, to make us forget what we have been given. by the movements of grace. Also, y'all, it pains me to say it,

but I believe I have come here this evening with an apology. For that evil, that avarice, that fear, it has at times found an ally in the church where we have happily called our home. Too many times has the war against a woman's freedom been framed as a holy war, and too many times have those who wield shackles and batons claim they were men of God.

As we work here tonight to unobsture the world's perfection, let not that work cease at the steps of our holy places. For surely the light of justice seeks out every corner, reaches beneath each stone. So, I stand here with you tonight, not with a church looming behind. I stand here with Mary, with Ruth, with Hagar. I stand here with y'all I offer my blessings and my adoration Was love

Damn, Matthew Oh shit Trouble What's up? Cops are here They're trying to break up the meeting We were being perfectly peaceful in here And along comes this thugry

Hard to have nice things Actually If we're keeping with Earth history here You might be in for a bit of a surprise What? You doing ladies here What the fuck? Suffragettzu!

What? The suffragettes eventually got sick of being pushed around by the police, so they all started taking jujitsu lessons. They nicknamed it suffrajitsu and started talking around police like sacks of flowers. It's like a scene from roadhouse in here. Well, dang it if that ain't a beautiful sight. David, I think you guys just got your distraction. Oh shit.

Fiona's in there somewhere. David, I really need to get out of this gigantic fist fight I'm trapped in. Can anybody hear me? What? Oh, shit! In danger of being trampled now! Take my hand! Okay!

Let's get you to safety. Thank you. What's your name? Fiona! Through this door, Fiona! Are you all right? I'm okay. You're not one of us until you've been knocked down a few times, Fiona.

I'm not? Stay here where it's safe. We'll have them on the run in no time. We will? Hey, there you are. Thank goodness, you're all right, Fiona. Wow, that was crazy. Okay, let's use this as our distraction, okay?

Let's try the stairs over there. Fiona? I like girls. What? Called it. They're beautiful. Yeah. What are they?

Snow leopards. They seem right at home. Their natural environment looks a lot like this. They're carnivores, but the wolves will make sure they behave. I couldn't leave them behind. Of course. I can't leave any of them behind. My father fought many wars in his time, but he never fought in the way I've had to.

He had superior technology and overwhelming forces. The war I fought against the Ted's was a war of persuasion. It was a war waged in the mind. There were symbolic victories, and there was recruitment. I became very good at bringing a wavering soul over to my side. I'll spare you all of that, because I don't think you need it. I'll simply say that this place of yours is a blessing, and a blessing denied is a curse.

I'll also say that you've been given immense power, and power squandered is... Well, it's nothing at all. How do we do it? That's for later. For now, if our headcount is correct, the final batch of refugees will be coming in any minute. Let's go and greet them. Developing out in the parking lot, don't we?

Kid it? What we've got here is good old-fashioned shindy. Emotions are running high right now as we await what could be the final batch of refugees. Laif, how are you feeling right now? I'm feeling good. I'm going to wait until Casper and Ava get here before I start really celebrating. I don't want to jinx it.

Nothing wrong with being cautious. Casper. How are you guys doing? We're good, I think. We haven't hit any real resistance. Getting to the refugees did involve Ava participating in an axe-throwing contest. Axe throwing? Leif.

I've given up physics, and I'm just doing axe-throwing now. What kind of car are you driving? I'll keep a lookout. It's a fun one. Did you steal an ice cream truck? Hey, it was big enough and easy to steal. It involved some crying children, but they'll be fine. Please tell me you're wearing the little white uniform.

No, but Ava is for some reason. I'm the good humor man. I got beers. David, take a beer. Thank you. Hey, Tito. David, I want to congratulate you on defying your genetics and being way more useful than your dad. And I accept your congratulations.

Your aim is for shit, though, so you and me are doing target practice tomorrow morning. Oh, okay. Who else wants a beer? Hey, Tita. Smooth. Shut up. Fiona, can you start to do a final count? Yeah, sure.

Hey, you want a beer? No. Thank you, Tita. Come here. What is it? Come here. Labusa. What?

Look, the two of you have hardly said a word to each other for weeks, and it's really starting to annoy the shit out of me. We're on the brink of victory here. Can you two suck it up? We're sisters. We've been through a lot together. and the two of you not talking is fucking stupid, all right? Congratulations, Cosby.

I'm not prepared to celebrate yet. You've never celebrated in your life. I'm pleased with the results so far. What happens next? Who wants ice cream? Casper, they just left the deep freeze. I don't think they want ice cream. What are you talking about?

Everybody loves ice cream. Casper, up here! Longbaum from midfield! Everyone, please, stand still while I'm counting you. Everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Let me be the first to welcome you back. All of us have endured much, and we have lost loved ones.

But against all of the odds, we have found our way back to each other. I'm very proud of all of you for enduring so much. Excuse me? Yes, what is it, Fiona? I'm sorry, this isn't everyone. Fuck. How many are we missing? Just three.

God damn. We're so close. Do we know who they are, Fiona? That's the thing. It's three kids. Two sisters and a brother. They're the siblings of someone named Maloo? We're missing Malu's family?

Yes. And that's all? Yes. That's deliberate. I agree. Okay, everyone, we need you to get back inside right now. Let's go. The single file back into the deep freeze, okay?

What's going on? I don't know. Laif, get the drones up. Okay. Tita. Yeah, I'm ready. Nobody's stand in front of me. You're going to get shot.

Well, Bram, that was unexpected, wasn't it? Sure was, kidding. The team was about to declare victory, but we're now in a very tense scene. What is it, Kazi? Malu's siblings have been deliberately held back. That doesn't sound like a coincidence. No, it doesn't. Okay, assholes.

I can't kill all of you, but who's going to die first? What are they waiting for? What the fuck is that thing? God! What does that sound? This has turned into a very tense situation, Graham. It sure has, Kik. I don't know what these must dream have gone up their sleeves. Seb?

Effie. What happened to them? The muckle wanes have gone dark. What are you doing? It requests your presence. I think we'll decline. We go where we want. You don't.

Not great, guys. Effie, Cebulon? What just happened? I don't know. Leif. Yeah? You still have the map where the diner is headed next? Yeah.

Has it changed? Shit. Hang on. Guys, come on. Come back to be. And someone just turn them off? What is that sound? Fuck.

Lave. I've got our next stop. What is it? It's the egg. We're going to their home world. God damn it. We've played right into their hands. Why did they wait so long to do this?

I imagine they've been trying to figure out how to do this to the mucklewains. Then they took Maloo's. Then they took Malu's family to their homeworld because they knew that the diner would follow them there. They led us right into a trap. Can anyone hear that? Leif, how long until we jump? About three hours? Plus 12 hours of jump time?

We've got about 15 hours to figure out how to get out of this. Casper, can I have the radio? What is it? I can hear something. Okay. Shit. Any ideas? The diner is headed to their home world, but the refugees don't have to.

I'm going to load the refugees onto our ship and pull. Put it in orbit. Okay, good. What is it? It's very distinct. I haven't heard anything like this before. We've turned very sharply into we're fucked territory, guys. I know.

Okay, look, everyone gets five minutes to freak out, and then we're getting the refugees off the ship and trying to make a plan. Okay. Can someone say something that doesn't sound like a death sentence, please? Tita. Yeah. Can you bring the Vistak into the diner? Yeah, why?

I'm going to find the mucklewains. Eastern Front, Soviet forces are locked in a bitter urban combat with German armies of Stolengrad, West Street by Street fighting, has turned the city into a bloody battleground. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness. And if time and tide roil you too harshly

or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, Just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you. We open at six. Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Bert Bert Bert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Society of Bethany says Merry Christmas, y'all. A non-binary thylacine named Bethany. All the non-binary brothanies of Princeton, Texas.

Local Marshag offers the NBs a fully normal apple as an apology for all the antics. You can trust this one. All apples glow. Mr. Squizzle-Sizzle, Whizzle, the horrendous secret co-conspirate are behind the long, ongoing Bethany War. Gathering of Bethany's drink from the waterhole. Oh, Bethany, where art thou? Green Mountain Hermit wants that NB Bethany's Stew recipe. Banjo Bethany begins banjoing belated Bethany battle ballads, avenge the stew, dances with Bethany's.

This episode boldly beckons a bigger batch of brilliant bynames, brewing a bubbling Bethany stew to broaden the best finale Rue, introducing Risi Pontiff as the 22nd Bethany. The main immortal, Cheel Neal, Sin City Scuba Steve, Polywog, jinks the judgmental but well-meaning cat, Michaela White, Wilbur Winklewright, wristwatch wrangler of West Worcestershire on the trail of the dastardly rednell. Gabby Painter is into bootyism. Mr. Grin. Glenn Petrosky, Deidre Roberts, Leif's Orb, the one that got away. Rick Tyler, Elizabeth Hammond, Fonch Brunglin.

Eric Friess, Steam Vision, Conductor of the Interdimensional Time-SPaning Hype train. David Harold, Wise Cube, Dirty Diaper Fuss Butt, and the Piggy Runt, Bromine, pronounced Bro, Mine, Cat Cat, Mother of Pearl, El Chingon, Sealface, Nicholas Waldron, Elmo, Megan's Things Megan Makes, Shiny Field, Leah Goddard, Magically Maggie, Trebex Reject, Jeff C, Matthew with two T's, the first T, is silent. Bith, Myth-Rith, Rothschildreth, Rock Naval Flathen, Smernavlin author, Darth Ocks, Aaron Arnold, Bailey Burr, Amanda Tracy,

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Bonjour, here, Alexandre Le Roque, Le Ceproix emotional, official for Binneiberger, for this message in English, press two. Christ Janda, Ed Boy, Ryan Fennelli, Jonathan Kay, whir-bibbibbibbibh, but-bibhut, but-bibhut. Another monster, Petabyte Avatar, Tugwin the Mighty, Project Octopus, Ken, Daveon Royal, Captain Hambone, King Felix Blaze of the Third Street Saints, Scotty Oates, iced heart on fire, Dan's grounded again, dearest Edna, I fear this poo may be my last. Spiku, Nick Tacto 2.0, simply Tony.

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Sir Cat Dad, Kelly Jane Danky, Aaron the Optimist, Thomas Stolen, aka Casper from another universe. Lucrezia, Andrew Barner, Tamara Oliver, the Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa, Brockawini. Eva. No, not that, Eva. The one within... Grim. Zaki Nat, underwater Corvid, Spisorinkum, Michael Christian, Ransom, Brun Maisalil, Late Indeed Again,

Theron Pyrallus, O'M Vega, Aaron Mitchell, Lady Kianu Misen, Fiona Malesi, Onix Rose, Jackie Wavlet, J.R. the Hikerbear, Velocate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Tracy, Malarin, Brian Barletta, Sweet Michelle, Kara, Call Mezen,

Colie, Melmberg, Rogue, Lisa Geisler, India Holbert, the esteemed throat goat, Fred Fredberger, What the Chuck, Sonor Nasuno, Ben and Jessica, Nea Deruso, Pici Zatuiti, Justine Burbank, Inky the Crackin, Azula the Brave, and their ever-faithful Squire Grab Thar, Ruth McCormick, Dalek, Steve, Dancing Dog Dreams, and Existentially Exhausted Bean. Word, word, word, word, word, word, word, word, cool, cool, word, word. All right, so we're on page one. We're just going to go for it.

All right. Okay. Mm-hmm. With the pepper. Yeah, with the pepper. Keep it the mustard. Hey, Tita. She just figured it out. She's not going to be good.

Perfect. In about a bajillion, nope. In exactly one bajillion years. I think, again, I'm always going to push for the the goal. Helmscreen from Betty.

I'm not using a Wilhelmscrim. First of all, it's expensive. Second of all, no. So there. All right. Shelly, are you okay? Yes. Okay.

Sorry. I heard a big thump noise and I saw, I felt it looked like your closet was eating you for a second. No, my, my, I mean, it's a possibility. He was like, did she find Narnia? I do so much at that office. I handle payroll. I train the new hires.

I water the plants. And it feels like nobody's even notices. Try that again. Yeah. Nobody's even notices. Nobody's even notices. Nobody's even notices. Welcome back, everyone.

I'm Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton, and we will be your host for this most anticipated event in the multiverse. back everyone. Damn. Okay, fuck this. There's your Vicki Lawrence blooper for everyone. All right, so Aubrey, you might want to try turning off your camera. And that would reduce the amount of data that needs to come from you to us.

Okay, well, I think that's kind of rude, but... Listen, I hate it. But this is what happens. Sorry, I have to do that again, my stomach ral. Can I take it from the bottom of 39? Cosmic questions make me hungry. Oh, my God. Okay. Can I, don't give me the lie to get, Casper?

Can I get the line again? Are you sure you don't, you want me to give you the line? That's your cue. Billy Rose, you took all of my condos. Am I better? Right before they were to participate, can I start this one again? Effie, Effie came in too hard on that one.

She's taking over. So I guess it's a good thing you're here, Sunny the Stag. Oh! The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Welcome to Magenta Presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Magenta. We begin with the five-part miniseries Ghosted, starring Beth Eyre and Lucy Roslyn. Perched on a rain-battered cliff edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky boutique hotel.

Owner and sole occupant Beth has spent months renovating, absorbing its essence into her bones. It's an old building. You'll get used to it. But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget. Kira, Beth? What the fuck? Face to face for the first time in years, the pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances.

Speak to me. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. And something else. Oh, I can't bear it. What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past to... Beth. He's right there.

Why is there blood on your hands? We need to get out of here. Kira. Kira! I can still see him. Subscribe to Magenta Presents, wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon, fans of the esoteric. Bye!

Thank you.