Midnight Burger - Chapter 45: The Builder

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

"What if we can't stop him?"CastLibuza - Shelly DarringtonLeif - Tom MoormanEven Older Leif - Tom MoormanBrie-elzebub - Fritz NajeraBattlepope - Mike ThomsBugaboo - Mike ThomsPotion Maestro - Jesse TilleyHannes - Joel GelmanKatKat - Allison ShoemakerTerrwyn - Kate CoventryVerge - Cat BlackardEldin - Joe FisherWritten by Joe FisherDirected and Produced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonMusic:Opera - Jasper BisbeeWolf Hour - Paisley PinkDark Before Dawn - Will HarrisonBaphomet - Of Men And WolvesInto the Fields - HeadlundOriginal art by Juichee.For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comRead and search our scripts on Podscripts: https://podscripts.app/Subscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218How about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/All scripts available at: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1IXV0JIBFw_IgDJhVeaeqL4UPQngvXHoQ?usp=sharingFind and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Do you like a good ghost story? Maybe you wonder what it would be like to communicate with the other side. We'll put your Ouija boards away and just listen to Rattled and Shook. I'm your host Meredith, and we've got a new season of Rattled and Shook available now, including themed episodes, guests, games, and immersive, creepy stories sent in by real people about haunted hotels, satanic panic, and ghosts galore. A new season of Rattled and Shook. Shook is available now wherever you get your podcasts.

Last season on Midnight Burger, rolling along, singing a song, side by swat-ups. The diner finds itself under attack. Again? But by who? Turns out, it's this guy. Who has an entire evil empire of these guys. Croc the Propagator is his name and universal domination is his game.

And his plan all starts in cryptessia, a galaxy that he has populated with planet after planet of lab-grown earthlings, where he tests out the best way to control the minds of everyone he dominates. Like Fiona. Hi there. Also wrapped up in it all are Croc's three daughters. My name is Kazi. That was my sister Tita.

She's about to get our other sister Lubusa. They're pretty intense. All of our people are prisoners. We don't know where they are. I let them all here. They're all trapped out there because of me. You should come up to my lab sometime, Casper. I'll grow you a fucking spy.

Heads up! Edible arrangements? This is a fucking robbery. After an intense game of cat and mouse across Cryptesia, the diner finds itself in the clutches of crock. God damn, this guy absolutely fucked us. It's like he knows the diner better than we do. And in a move that some have called Banana Pan's Crazy Town Nuzzo,

Gloria, Ava, Casper, and Laif, sacrifice themselves so that others may continue the fight. Lave! Sorry, pala. Leif, what the fuck are you? Now, separated by the vast, of the multiverse, how will our heroes find their way back to the fight against Kroc? Top off your coffee and feed the cat. Season 5 of Midnight Burger is here.

Let's start the shift. Once upon a time, there was a builder. The builder had lost his workshop, lost his tools, lost his way. He wandered on icy plains on a distant planet. Be a fucking ice giant, huh? There is death by fire and death by ice. Both are merciless, but at least fire is quick. Ice takes its time.

Ice slowly creeps in. Ice gives you time. Time to regret. Time to fear. And the worst of it, time to hope. The builder had no choice but to hope. Okay, Leif. At least get out of the wind!

It was a strange magic that brought him to this frozen land. He had been banished, but his banishment could only occur in a place he had touched in the past. For all of us, how many places could that be? So few of us move from place to place all our lives. But for the builder, there were few stars in the sky he hadn't touched at least once. As far as he knew, he could be anywhere. The builder took shelter in the shadow of a cliff by an icy sea.

Shelter from the wind would postpone his death, but extend his misery. Really regretting. letting my decision to have visited so many shitty planets over the course of my life. Casper probably landed in Bakersfield. I'd give my right lung to be in fucking Bakersfield right now. Okay. Okay. Where are we, Leif? Let's think back.

Ice giants I have known. Castriff? Celestiani? You're only as lost as your mind allows you. The builder had spent a life among the stars and knew clusters of dust like one would occur in an ancient road. He searched the night sky to see what it could tell him. Quillandus!

Of course it's Quillandus! Wouldn't be poetic if it wasn't Quillandus. I hate poetry. The builder realized he at once made his home here. A long time ago, when all hope was lost, he crawled into a hole between two mountains and waited for the end to come. When he finally left, he hoped he'd never see it again. All right. There's only one ocean on Quillandis. I lived about 30 kilometers from it. There. out here, it'll be between those two mountains. Thirty kilometers. If I try to walk 30 kilometers,

I'll die. If I stay here, I'll die. Fuck. What is a knight without his sword? What is a farmer without his field? What is a builder without his tools? The builder tried to remind himself of the first rule he ever learned. There is only one tool. Inventory. H2O. Matter-state, solid. H-2-0 mixed with sodium chloride. Matter-state, liquid.

Water and salt water. That's all I've got to work with. That is not going to do it. I'm fucked. Maybe I try and huff it. I did 35 seconds in the void of space one time. I can do 30 kilometers in... I'm guessing negative 10 Celsius without any protective clothing?

Sure. Sure, I could. No, I can't. Tools are irrelevant without materials. The builder had taken stock of his materials. And as far as his eyes could see, he saw only ice, water, and salt. It wasn't enough. What can I do with you? Nothing.

You saved my life, and you're totally useless right now. I hope it's going better for you guys out there. Where'd you wind up, Gloria? Back at Jack in the box? Ava, you probably landed in some high-armed leather chairs surrounded by dudes with elbow pads. Not me. No. I get the fucking ice planet!

Oh, shit! Nice to have some company! What's your name? I'm Leif. I'm going to be dead soon. Of course I could try and kill you and live inside your body, Han Solo style. But you are 12 feet of blubber and I just have a space painter. Wait, wait, secret handshake.

50,000 volts is just going to make... going to make you mad, isn't it? Well, nice to meet you anyway. Oh my gusely. Come on, man! Oh my god, the smell! So excited that this will be the last thing I ever smell. It's odd, the builder thought.

How anything could be a gift if it's given at the right time. Hang on. Water, sodium chloride, and now methane. Iron, copper, depending on what you ate today. Methane gas could ignite. Ignite, sure, but that's one big flash. High moisture content of the fuel source makes a continuous burn pretty tricky. Oh, man, you're really missing out, guys.

I'm trying to save my life by life. lighting a gigantic pile of shit on fire. There's a metaphor in there somewhere. Okay. Humongous shit pile. How do I light you on fire? In one hand, I have a space pager. Looks like Paradise Life made this thing pretty efficient,

so I won't get much juice out of it. On the other hand, I have the secret handshake. Can deliver a quick burst of 50,000 volts, but low wattage. Going to need sustained heat. Environmental concerns. Fuel source, aka shit pile, is steaming right now, but I imagine will be frozen within an hour.

Whatever I do, I'll need to be ready to do it by the time the next guy wants to take a dump on the beach. Sustained heat. Sustained heat. When the solution finally came to him, It didn't arrive as good tidings. Like any escape from certain death, this solution would require a sacrifice. Sunrise in about four hours. Let's get to work.

The builder needed one tool to live. But that tool was buried in the wall of ice before him. He kicked and kicked out the wall as the shards of ice fell around him. He was finally surrounded by fragments of ice, large and small. Okay, several hunks of ice. Which one of you is the lucky winner? I need you to be the size of a dinner plate. Any takers?

You there. You look like you're up for the job. Okay? Big piece of ice. I'm about to turn you into something beautiful. It's going to cost me, but all beauty comes at a price, am I right? All beauty comes at a price. The sculptor blinded by marble dust.

The painter, driven mad by the poison in their paint. And now the builder. Using the warmth of his hand, he would slowly melt and shape the fragment of ice. He was careful to only use his left hand. then after his hand was too cold, his left arm, then back again to his hand, over and over again, smoothing the edges, slowly shaping it into the only tool that could save him. Mr. Torvaldsen, I've dealt with prodigies before, and I will say to you what I've said to all of them. No amount of intelligence will make up for flawed optics.

Clean your optics. Every morning, Mr. Torvaldsen. Keep going, live. Into the morning, he shaped the ice to his will. As the sun rose, it offered little comfort. The star was distant and cold. But he did not need the sun for its warmth. Okay.

Ideal angle is 17 degrees. above the horizon. Leif? You're going to need both of your arms for this part. You can't feel one of your arms right now, but it'll still respond. I think two minutes will do the trick. Two minutes is all we need.

Okay, just waiting for the guest of honor now. He waited in the frigid morning for the last phase of his plan. One arm, The rest of him not far off. The only thing left was a little bit of luck. Oh, hello, gorgeous! Come on! Come on!

You know that's why you came here. PAL! Two minutes left! The builder raised his new creation above his head. It was a massive lens. All night long, he was a night long, he had used his own hands to make a lens made entirely of the ice that was trying to kill him. The lens would gather the rays of the sun into a beam.

And with enough time, the builder would make fire from ice. Come on, come on! Hold it steady! That smells like a chemical plant! But the heat is glorious! Do I mean fire? You're still sucking in air, Leif! The builder fell into a deep sleep next to his fire made from ice.

His dreams were strange dreams of warmth, an endless celebration by a crystalline ocean, an argument with a friend on a train, a warm body in a warm bed, bright, white, sharp teeth in the darkness whispering. I love you. Hey there. Pretty great, right? It's fire. It's one of the things that separates me from you. One of the many things. I have no idea what your kind is called, so I'm just going to call you J. Schmo, okay?

Okay? Ow! Fuck! Mr. Schmoe, if you could remind me not to touch my left arm, I'd really appreciate it. Jesus Christ, I can't believe I lived. Barely. Sadly, this isn't going to do it, Jay. This is a temporary situation.

30 kilometers. 30 kilometers inland. That's the next step. How am I going to pull that off? Sun's going down? If I don't have a plan by tomorrow, I'm dead. Know any campfire songs? All through the night, the builder tried to convince himself

that he didn't already know the plan. The plan came to him almost instantly as soon as he awoke. All through the night, he tried to think of any of other. plan. Anything that could keep him from doing what he would have to do next, nothing came. What? What? Oh, all this? Well, believe it or not, my blubbery friend, this is the plan. I have here in my arms several pieces of your frozen shit. I will now sit down by the fire and take my boots off. You're right?

It does sound crazy. But I'm afraid that's all we're left with. Take a moment and warm my feet by the fire and then I take my right boot and fill it with frozen pieces of your incredibly stink-tastic shit, Mr. J. Schmo. I fill it all the way to the top of my boot. Now, I have one boot full of shit, one empty boot, and two socks. Take two socks and put them on my right foot. And then I take the empty boot and put it on my left foot.

I lean the shit boot up against the fire. And I wait for it to thaw enough that it catches on fire. I knew this guy back home. Lenny. Lenny Harris. Cool guy. I was packing up my stuff, heading off to Berkeley. I told him I would fix his bike for him, so of course,

I added a motor to it because I can't fucking help myself. I'm finally going to get out of here, he said. Oh, yeah? Where are you going, Lenny? He said, Micronesia. Micronesia, what the hell for? They'll never find me there, he said. This is a 17-year-old kid talking like he was on the run from the feds.

You know, Lenny, the problem with nobody being able to find you is that nobody's able to find you. Should have taken my own advice. Here we go. I have turned my boot into a torch. The fire will burn at the top and slowly thaw the fuel underneath and then use that to keep burning. Should be enough heat to keep me from dying, at least.

Time's wasting. Jay Shuo, my friend, enjoy the fire. Theoretically, if you keep coming ashore and shitting on it, You can always have a fire up here. An eternal flame. A memorial. 30 kilometers. Piece of cake.

With a torch and only one boot on, the builder made his way across the land of ice. The wind was constant and relentless. Even when the sun was at its highest, it was as though it burned cold. It wasn't long into the journey that time became irrelevant. He could have been walking for minutes. He could have been walking for years.

There was only one way he found to motivate himself. He thought of his death. If he were to die here, his body would never decompose and become part of the earth. He would be frozen, trapped forever. Wide, dead eyes, gazing at the sunrise, burnt eons, until even even, Even the sun burned out. If he died, he would never be free. Emergency medical bed deployed.

Ugh! Fuck! Diagnosis request? Full body skin! Conducting full scan. Please remain still. Oh shit. Hydration level four.

Please remain still for electrolyte injection. Rejection. TRIage report available. Go! Upper left appendage and lower right extremity experiencing level 7 necrosis. Treatment recommendations! He was careful to only use his left hand. Field amputation, removal of upper left appendage and lower right extremity.

Administering anesthesia. Procedure will commence in two minutes. As he waited there for the machine to change his body forever, he heard an old, familiar voice. So, losing your arm in the Justine Burbank system, huh? Sounds a little familiar to me. I'm aware. I'd watch yourself, Buster. Everybody loves the freewheeling old man.

But all I was ever meant to be was a cautionary tale. I'm aware. With certain death narrowly avoided, the builder changed his focus as the chemicals seeped into his body. He thought of those that sent him here, his enemies, the ones that took his friends from him,

the ones that condemned him to an icy death. As he thought of them, he issued a promise to the empty air. I'm going to kill every single. single fucking one of you. The builder had become the destroyer. As every builder does from time to time, the key is knowing when the destruction must stop. Sometimes it never feels like enough.

Reviving patient in five, four, three, two. Report. All procedures successful, recommend replacement of removed a patient. with cybernetics or live grafts. Would you like me to connect you with local vendors? No. Would you like a debrief regarding psychological trauma or PLP? No.

Remember, nearly all patients who have an amputation performed have some form of phantom pain or discomfort. Would you shut up, please? Deploying assistive device. Home sweet home! Yeah. Hello, Nancy. At least you won't have to walk out of here.

Looks like she's in pretty good shape. One problem, though. If my ship's here, where am I? The builder stood over his own slain body. An echo of himself, gunned down and left for dead. A sheen of ice covering his skin. So many of us are plagued by the road not taken. Few of us come face to face with it.

Who do you think got him? Well, the Ted's would have captured you. A few different plasma burns on the rocks. Looks like some rim runners just got lucky. Caught you unawares. So, effective reminder that it could be worse. Yeah. Leif, let's get the fuck out of here.

Welcome to the unselling wizard. What can I get you? Uh, Leif? Brilzebub? Uh, I thought, uh, you're supposed to be dead. Surprise. You, uh, you can't be here right now. I'm exactly where I want to be.

Well, what do we have here, Bugaboo? Do my eyes deceive me, Battlepope? We're looking at a dead man, Bugaboo. Or at least he looks like one, Battle Pope. Battle Pope and Bugaboo. Is there a shitty criminals conference in town or something? What was I saying just the other day, Bugaboo? I believe you were saying, you wish we killed him, Battle Pope.

And now here we are, Bugaboo. You know, they swore to us up and down, Battlepope. Never trusts the word of a rim runner, Bugaboo. So what's worse, Lake? Being dead? Or knowing you're about to be killed. Talking to you two is worse than both. What kind of idiot?

Escape's getting deleted. And then walks into the unselling wizard like it's nothing, Bugaboo. Well, this kind of idiot battlepope. Well, if you want something done right, Bugaboo. Guys, guys, guys, listen. I realize there's a bit of bad blood between the three of us, but trust me, I'm here to make amends. Is that right?

Of course. Here. Take these. This is my way of saying I'm sorry. What the hell of these, battlepope? Oh, fuck. It's crazy, right? I hand them to people and they just take them.

So trusting. Hey, guys. Long time no C? Let me guess. You thought I was dead? Right? Honestly, me too. So don't feel bad.

Uh-oh. You know, I thought a couple of secret handshakes might not be enough for a situation like this. So, of course I made more. I'd like some credit for developing non-lethal technology in a hostile marketplace. Oh, shit. Hey, Breelzebub, what's that drink you make that I like so much? A, uh, a barbarian blood bath. That's the one.

I'll have one of those. You know, once upon a time, I wanted to be that guy who walks into a bar and everybody notices. But now that that's happened, I don't know. Not all it's cracked up to be. What? What happened to the arm? Slipped on a banana peel. Uh, Leif, I'm just a part-tender, okay?

Nobody's ever one thing, Breelzebub. Leif, I swear, I just... Stop talking, Breelzebub. Now, you're going to walk me into the back, and you're going to get me in to see the potion, maestro. If you don't, I'll show you what else I have. having this bag of my... Who is it?

You have a new patient. I don't have a patient on my schedule. It's, uh, it's urgent. Very well. This had better be an emergency. It is for me, but, you know,

everything's relative. Lay. Yeah, yeah, you thought I was dead. Do me a favor and don't make any sudden movements, maestro. I've managed to go all day without killing anyone. respect the streak

I saw your body the image was locked it couldn't have been faked this is a missed opportunity on my part I could make up a great story about how I avoided death huge myth-making opportunity how about this

there's infinite laifs out there you can kill one of us but another one's just going to show up to take his place we're like fucking herpes Pretty good, right? People love a good story. Like, the story you told me one time,

about how 60% of your body is metallic. What did you just put on my wall? Don't worry. It's not a bomb. Ah! What are you doing? I've just magnetized you to the wall. Convincing metal to act like a magnet is much easier than you would think. What do you want?

Do I have your... undivided attention, Maestro? Yes? Great. As I'm sure you've noticed, I'm missing one arm and one foot. I'm going to need you to look through your godforsaken inventory and find me a replacement.

Of course. Of course, no problem. I just got a shipment of sharebear 17-890s. You and I both know share bears can be tracked. Okay, okay, no problem. Meistro, this magnet, It's about to crush your pseudoskeleton. I'd think a little quicker if I were you.

David Boyce. I got David Boy 7-Elevens in the back. Fantastic. Can you turn off the magnet now, please? One more second. I'm attaching a bomb to your arm. Your real arm, not the one you can remove. I'm going to set the timer for two hours. So, if I'm not awake with my new arm in two hours,

then bippity-bop-de-bo-boom. They're going to be cleaning your guts and parts off this room for weeks. Not that you do a lot of cleaning around here. Are we clear? Yes! Okay. I look forward to working with you. We're never truly done with the darkness in us.

You can come to terms with it. Hide it away. Even send it into a lifelong slumber. but it's never eliminated. The darkness never leaves you. And at times when you're backed against a wall by your circumstances, you can reach deep down into yourself and rouse it back to life. You can use the darkness within you to survive.

There's a trick to it. If you use the darkness, the darkness may use you. You may never get control again if you let it out. Seems like changes to the laser torch isn't a priority right now. I don't know what universe I'm in. I need to do a CMB scan and I don't want to spend time making another interferometer, so we are parked on the outskirts of the Harbinger Pulsar, where there are a group of decommissioned mirror satellites.

I use the laser on the mirrors and bounce the signal back to me. I use the interference to make the CMB map. Nice. Doing it in space cuts out the atmospheric interference. So, you figure out where you are in the multiverse, and then what? I don't know. I figured getting my bearings was the next step after getting all my appendages back. How's the new arm?

It's a piece of shit, but it'll do. What was yours? again? A noble barrel, but I made some changes to it. Okay, we're good. We'll give that a few minutes. In the meantime, let's see what Dead Laif has left us with. A pack of scrisles. Leopard Donuts, Jesus, I was not taking care of myself. An errant popsicle stick. Thanks, Dead Laif. Hey, now we're talking. Bladeless drones. Silent but deadly. These will come I'm in handy. Let's get these charged up. Here we go.

Holy shit. I'm still in the same universe. I didn't change universes. I'm still where I was when I shot myself. I'm in Crocs universe. Still where you were? Yeah. Only several years in the past and two and a half million light years away.

Hey, it could be farther. Distance like that, you might as well be nine universes to the left. Maybe. I know you hate this kid. What are you talking about? That mind of ours. How it acts in times like this. Most people, when they hit the skids,

they've got to practice a healthy dose of acceptance. There's only so much you can do about the situation that you're in. Your mind, on the other hand. It gives you a few more options than the average bear. What's wrong with that? The options that your brain gives you in. times like these are pretty fucking dark, Buster. You're thinking about building it again.

You promised you wouldn't. What do you want me to do? Wave a white flag? You've got more options than waving a white flag. This isn't Clementine. This isn't going to be solved with a heartfelt talking to. Don't do it, Leif. I'm several years and several million light years away.

Can you think of another option? You can think of another option. Yeah? Well, I just lost an arm, a foot, and my friends. I'm exploring any option I can right now. This wasn't glorious plan. It wasn't a plan. It was a panic button. Building a weapon and using it against the bad guys, that's a plan.

Kid, you promised you'd never make it. What if we can't stop him? What if we can't stop him because nobody's willing to make a tough call? I'm not here to be Einstein to your Oppenheimer, Buster. Why the hell are you here? I'm not, Leif. It's just you. Hey, Han.

Yeah? I found that missing harvest droid. It's trying its best, but its best is not enough. Be sure and give it high marks for effort. You need to stop treating the droids like there are children. But they're trying so hard, honey. Well, I'm about to take this child of ours into my workshop and take it apart piece by piece. How do you feel about that?

Yeah, the analogy kind of. kind of breaks down at that point, doesn't it? It does. Uh, how are you guys doing up there? She still hates the new visor. Does she understand that her only other option is blindness? She does. That doesn't keep her from complaining about it.

Has she tried to make you a deal yet? Of course she has. She says she'll double her chores if she can wear her old visor. Her old visor doesn't even fit her. She doesn't seem to care. Ooh, suddenly repairing this droid all afternoon doesn't sound so bad. She's a menace, this daughter of yours. Okay, why is she called my daughter when she's being a menace?

You're the scientist. Do go to the math. We're both scientists. Doesn't feel like it right now. I promise tomorrow I'll let you do robot repair all day long while I negotiate with the menace. Thank you. Ah. Hun? Yeah?

Have you seen any weird drones lately? Weird, how? Weird, like you've never seen them before. No? Is our neighbor being weird again? Maybe. See you in a bit. Okay.

Whoa. Wow. Oh, what the hell. Hello? Hello? Sorry about the drones. It's my first time on this planet. I don't know where I'm going.

No problem. Can I point you in the right direction? Um, town? Town. Town? You're on a colony candidate right now. You're not going to find a lot of towns. Oh, yeah? If you're looking for a town, you may want to wait a generation or two? Okay. Sorry to trouble you.

Excuse me. Are you an earthling? Oh, uh, yeah, I am. I know. Weird, right? I've never met an earthling before. How did you get all the way out here? Here. Long story. Where am I? You're on Dariol. It's a colony candidate in the edge of Triangulum. Okay. Just, uh, doing some sightseeing. Uh, I'm actually trying to finish a game of Zomcom. Zomcom? Yeah. I started one with a friend a while back, and then we lost touch. Is that you signed my shovel?

Do you pull her gap? Surprise. You're an earthling? I am. How the hell did you find me? Chat threads on Tangle games are not nearly as anonymous as you think they are. It's really you. It's really me.

What happened to you? It's been ages. I got a little sidetracked. You know, life stuff. And you just decided to show up at my farm all of a sudden? Are you still working on it? I am. You? Yeah.

In fact, I think I solved one of our biggest problems. That's why I'm here in person, actually. Anything from this point on shouldn't have a text thread attached to it. Wow, you're serious? Yeah. All right. An earthling? An earthling.

Well, it's nice to finally meet you. You too. You better come inside. Good morning, colonists. Here's the weather report for Colony Candidate 1.2-12. Region 118. Light wind will continue throughout the day with a 13% chance of precipitation in the next three days. You are projected 57 days from autumnal conditions.

As always, please report any deviations from standard predictions to your colony candidate nexus. Have a wonderful day. Turwin, Turwin, come eat food, please. Sure you are. I'm not. Sweetie, a hunger strike is not going to get me to change my mind about the visor. Okay? Hello?

Aren't you supposed to be fixing a robot? You're not going to believe this, but we've got company. Company? Yes. You mean? I'm actually going to have a conversation with someone who's not my husband or my daughter? Can you believe it? Oh, hello there.

Hey. This is... Holy shit, I don't know your real name. Right, I don't know yours either. I'm Jeremy. Jeremy Impson. I'm Honest. This is Cat Cat.

Hi. Wait. What's going on? Honey, this is... This is two polar cat. Holy shit, really? Yeah. How the hell did you find us?

It's okay. She knows everything. Me and your husband were comparing notes back and forth on the chat thread for a private game of ZomCon. Right. It's a cheap and dirty way to have a private conversation through a comms node, but it gets to a point when you've got to take the next step. I see. And this is the next step. It is.

You're an earthling? I am. So... I know. You're telling me... that you and my husband are on the brink of a scientific breakthrough? I think so, yes. And you're an earthling.

We're not known for our scientific breakthroughs. You're not. I'm a bit of an outlier. In several ways. In several ways. I told you you could be tracked through those games. I know you did. We could have had someone much worse than Jeremy showing up at our door.

I know that now. Who's out there? Turwin, we've got. That company. Why don't you come out of your room? Who is it? I'm not having a conversation through a... Give me a hint.

That's our daughter, Turwin. She's going to be the president of something one day, but right now she's just a pain in the ass. Hello there. Hello, I'm Turwin. Hey, I'm Jeremy. It's nice to meet you, Jeremy. Jeremy, don't you agree that this visor I'm wearing

is too big for my face, it makes me look ridiculous. I'm sure you'll grow into it. But, Jeremy, don't you agree? It makes more sense for me to wear my adolescent visor, which fits me much better? I think you should probably do whatever your mom says, Turwin. I'm going to need a better answer than that, Jeremy. Okay.

How about the fact that you appear to be a crimson knixite? And if you don't wear that visor, you'll be blind. Granted. But I offer a counterpoint. How old are you? My adolescent visor fits me much better. Why should I be forced to wear the visor I don't like? Because your parents told you to.

I see. So, we're to be enemies, you and I. Wow. Turwin, don't drag Jeremy into your personal crusades, please. I look like I'm wearing a spacecraft on my face, Dad. You don't look like that at all. Jeremy, you're an earthling. Yep.

How did you get here? It's a very long story. Really? Yes. Well, you're in luck, Jeremy. Why is that? Because when my parents informed me that I was going to have to wear a visor on my face that was roughly the size of a planetoid, they also told me that I was now going to be spoken to like an adult in the house.

Mom, can you confirm that, please? I did say that, yes. Okay, then. Let's hear it, Jeremy. Actually, Winnie, I think we all want to hear this. story, how about we set up the table for all of us, and Jeremy can tell us a story. Okay. Honest, can you put some music on, please? Hell yeah. Anyway, so there we were at the top of the mine with a cadre of Ted's waiting for us. They said what we created was too much too soon for the human race and that they would like to make us all a deal. A deal? Yeah. In exchange for

what? In exchange for pretending like we didn't discover something. Get the fuck out of here. No, it's true. What did you discover? Dark matter. Earthlings haven't discovered dark matter? This earthling did. But they wanted you to keep it a secret? They did. And you just said,

Okay. I mean, it was a long time ago. I was a kid, and suddenly I'm confronted by not just an alien race, but confirmation that there were aliens to begin with. A discovery like that would have transformed your planet. Would it have? An unlimited energy source for a planet that's still primarily run by hydrocon. Carbons. Of course it would have.

Has it changed anything out here? It's not like once you leave Earth, there's suddenly no crime or poverty or injustice, right? The Ted still exists. There's still pirates. The Iron Quadrant is still poor. The original coalition is still rich. I guess I've never seen technology change people. People change or they don't, whether they're holding a tangle or a club. Can I get a tangle? No.

How long? Have the Ted's been doing things like this? The Ted's messing with Earth is one of the worst kept secrets in the tryout. Yeah, I don't think it would come as a surprise to anyone. Do they do this with other planets? Just us. That's curious. It is a little curious.

But another Earthling I met out here was this Australian guy. Australia is a part of Earth. Yeah, kangaroos. That's right. That's where kangaroos are. He had this theory that's always stuck in my head. He said that if any group... has cultural power, there will be a concerted effort to keep them away from political power. Because a combination of political power and cultural power would be unstoppable.

What are we listening to right now? It's Mozart. Right. A piece of music written hundreds of years ago on my planet is being played light years away. If that's not cultural dominance, I don't know what is. We're speaking English right now, from my planet. Because everyone loves our movies and TV and books. If you somehow added technology and some political power to that, the Ted's would be cooked. So they try and keep us as dumb as they can.

Turwin, how am I doing? Do you feel like I'm talking to you like an adult? What happened to your arm? Winnie. No, it's fine. I was working in core design for a while. One of the drives became unstable and there was an explosion. Did it hurt? mercifully, I don't remember it happening.

I just woke up and post up. What does it feel like now? It takes some getting used to. It's better than having no arm, but it's no replacement for the real thing. If I poke you, will you feel it? Kind of. Okay. We're bombarding Jeremy.

It's your turn. Well, Honest, you're from Sepsu, I'm assuming. That's right. Sepsu, see hi. Kat Kat. You're from Sigius, obviously. And you, with the brand new visor, you're a crimson Nixite. I am.

One family. Three races. What's going on there? There's an adoption lottery on my planet for couples who aren't genetically compatible. That's how we got Turwin. Nobody wants kids from my planet, but they adopt me anyway. Turwin don't say things like that. It's true, Jeremy.

Nobody wants to deal with a kid who has to wear a red visor everywhere. Frankly, I know how they feel right now. Where do you hear these things? One of my study partners told me. Well, your study partner is an idiot. You can't say that about other kids, Dad. Sure I can. Call him right now. I'll tell him to his face.

I can't call him. I don't have a tangle. I have a friend from Nix. She's one of the smartest people I've ever met. Really? Yes. Her name's Labusa. She's a flaxian, Nixite, and she's a friggin' genius.

You should tell your friend. Uh-oh, lunch break is over. Back to school. You can't call it school if it's just my room. It's the closest thing we've got out here in the C-C's, kiddo. Get in there. How long are you staying, Jeremy? I'm not sure yet.

Well, it would be rude of you to leave without saying goodbye. I'll be sure and say goodbye then. Thank you. Mom, I'm about to be laughed at by other children because I'm wearing a grain silo on my face. How do you feel about that? I'd feel worse about it if I didn't. know you were exaggerating for effect. Goodbye.

See you at dinner. She's great. I feel like Honest and I are doing a great job, but she has the distinct ability to make it feel like we're constantly failing her. Take it from me. You guys are doing great. I wanted to leave home so bad. I left the planet and the galaxy. Yeah, how does that work exactly? You can't really tell mom and dad you've gone to space, right? For me, it wasn't much of an issue. Some people on Earth decide to... to leave society behind and go live in the woods.

My parents were those people. My dad hates technology, and my mother is literally allergic to it. So it's not like I'd be able to call them. Last they heard from me, I was on a research station on the other side of the planet. Wait, humans can be allergic to technology? Uh, no, actually. Some of them think that electromagnetic fields make them sick. There's no proof that's true that's.

true, but that doesn't stop some earthlings from feeling that way. But you're an engineer. Yeah. So the things you would make made your mom sick? Yeah, it wasn't great. That on top of having a dad, who was a pretty big asshole, made leaving pretty easy. So like I said, you guys are doing a great job. Okay, well, on to other business.

I'm going to open up a bottle of Festinla. Oh, really? What's a special occasion? We're all going to have a glass, and you two are going to tell me what the fuck is going on. I see. I hope I haven't gotten anyone in trouble. You haven't. I'll be the judge of that. Okay.

Why don't you tell me what you know, and I'll fill in the rest? Hmm, okay. So I know that we had to leave the coalition planets behind so that Hannes could continue his research. I know that he had an anonymous little helper. that up and vanished a while back, I now know that that anonymous little helper is somehow an earthling. And you know what his research is about, I'm assuming. She knows.

I know. When we first started seeing each other and he finally confessed to me that his pet project was a doomsday device, I strongly questioned my taste in potential partners. Understandable. But then he finally convinced me that he was researching it so that he could prevent it from ever being built. Well, the idea was, if we can come up with a viable model for this doomsday device,

it meant someone else could too, which would mean someone needs to come up with a way to defend against it. Our home planets want nothing to do with this research, which is why we had to leave, so I could keep working. What else would you like to know? This is actually when she decides she doesn't want to hear any more about it, which I get. He told me you had a cute little name for this thing. A cow catcher.

Uh-huh. How does it work? You're sure you want to know this cat? Sweetie, Jeremy hasn't shown up because he's on vacation. You had a breakthrough, I'm assuming? Yeah, I have. So, how does it work? Okay.

Imagine a missile that travels faster than the speed of light. If you're traveling faster than light, one of the many potential problems is photon collection. You're now traveling faster than photons, which means some of them may collect on your hall. A cowcatcher is designed to collect as many photons as possible as it travels faster than light. When a cowcatcher arrives at its target, it doesn't blow up or anything. It just stops. And every single photon that's collected is suddenly released at the speed of light.

If you've traveled faster than the speed of light for long enough, when a cowcatcher stops, it could potentially release enough energy to obliterate an entire solar system. Fuck. Yeah. It's like dropping a supernova in your enemy's backyard. Feeling pretty justified and not asking about your work, honey. I know. I'm sorry. So, hmm, what's the verdict?

Am I going to be staying up nights afraid that we are suddenly going to be atomized? I was hoping at some point your husband and I could compare. pair notes so we could see how much sleep you have to lose. Oh, well, I'm glad I started drinking early. So here's the visualization of the warp bubble. As you can see, in front of the bubble, space time contracts, and at the back of the bubble, it expands. The weapon technically stays still, while the warp bubble it's contained in travels faster than light. The most unexpected thing I found is that assuming the power source is consistent, acceleration can be infinite.

Really? So not only would this theoretically go faster than light, it can go several times faster. Nice. As you might be able to tell, I just took the basic ideas from an inertial dampener, and I kept expanding the idea. It was way too unruly at first, but if I modify the bubble geometry to make the walls of the bubble thicker, it gets much more stable. Okay.

There it is. Yeah, it's possible for sure. And I think with this new bubble construction, it'll require a lot less power. But it will still need a very powerful engine, something more powerful than anything out there. And that's where I come in. How have things been going on your end? Hang on. Let me connect to my ship's drive. Can you imagine if the Ted's got a hold of something like this? They could end a rebellion at the drop of a hat with one of these.

They could. But the Tedds are just as dependent on the triad as we are on them. They start blowing up star systems, and they're ending their lifeline of natural resources. Also, they religiously ban any research on faster than light travel, since it would be a direct competitor to their warp gates. I don't worry about the Ted's. I worry about bad actors. I worry about pirates, terrorists. Then past that, I worry about proliferation.

Suddenly we're living in a world where three galaxies all have a gun pointed at each other. Okay. This is Uncle Rogue. It's a dark matter engine. A dark matter engine isn't the kind of power signature that we're looking for, but if I keep the basic idea intact but flip it on its head, it can harvest dark energy instead of dark matter. So the fuel source has negative energy density. Exactly.

So I've got my simulation now plugged into your simulation. Let's see what happens. Hammer of the fucking gods. How fast is it going? 1.3 times the speed of light. But watch what happens when I speed up the timeline. 1.5? It's getting faster. Just like you said.

Looks like, forgive the Earth metric. But after traveling for a year, it'll be going 5.7 times fast. faster than the speed of light. And it'll just keep going. Until it hits its target. This is amazing. Yes. It's also very bad.

Also that. Oh, this is a very strange feeling. Because it's an amazing breakthrough and also the most destructive weapon ever created? Yes. This may help. I've zoomed out on the simulation. Look at the energy wig. It's emitting something.

Yeah. It's emitting waves forward. It is. How can it send anything forward when it's going faster than anything in the universe? Those are gravity waves. And because of the gravitational distortion... It's sending gravity waves forward in time. That's right.

If you can keep an eye out for this very specific frequency of gravity waves, conceivably, you can detect this thing before it's even launched. I know I've studied this my entire life, but physics is so fucked up, man. Right? So yes, this is the most dangerous weapon ever created, but it's got an early warning system built into it. Yes, which, look, it would be great if it didn't work at all. But at least you can see it coming.

If you can see it coming, you can figure out how to stop it. But only if people know about it. We need to tell someone. Yes. But even making this simulation is highly illegal. Who do we tell? There's someone on Sidious you can talk to. Her name's Wayla.

She's the mom of a friend of mine. She'll know what to do. Okay. There's something we have to do first. What? Get real drunk. Ha ha ha. Fuck yeah, we do.

Engines on. Flight path calculation parameters. Quadrant search for unstable unicorn. Hi. Oh, shit. Hey, Turwin. I said leaving without saying goodbye would be very rude. You did say that?

I'm sorry. Where are you going? I've got some work to do. What kind of work? I'm a freelance engineer, so I go where the work is. Your work is on an unstable unicorn? Kind of. What I'm doing is called a,

build order. I'm making something from the ground up, so it's nice to have enough space. I have a tendency to settle down on an unstable unicorn for a while and do most of the work there. No distractions. No danger of setting the neighbor's house on fire.

What are you building? Nothing too exciting. Water harvester for a dry planet. Okay. So it's just you and your folks out here, huh? Yeah. You don't get to hang out with kids your age?

School is just a monitor screen for me. Once a month, we all take a field trip together. Well, that must be fun. Kids my age are pretty annoying. Okay. But they're fine. Um, how did you know you wanted to be an engineer? I couldn't help myself, really.

even when I was younger than you, I kept making stuff, taking stuff apart, putting it back together. How about you? What do you want to be? I don't know. Is it true that everyone on my planet is a lawyer? Nix? On the crimson side of the planet, sure. Lawyers, dealmakers. Usually if there's a deal to be made in the triad, there's a crimson Nixite involved somehow. But not on the other side? No, on the Flaxian side, you'll get a lot of astronomers and musicians. Okay.

I don't think I want to do any of that. That's fine. And I don't know how to figure out what to do with my life. Are you asking me for life advice, Terwin? I don't talk to a lot of other adults, other than my parents. I'm taking advantage of the situation. I see. Anytime now.

you're going to do something, and for some inexplicable reason, you're going to be better at it than the other kids. Listen to those moments. That's pretty vague. Sorry. Crap, don't tell my mom. What? Oh. Hey.

Hey. Judging by how drunk Hannes was when he went to sleep, the two of you had a pretty big night. Yeah. Yeah, we did. Really? Really? I'm going to have a drink. Okay.

You? No, I'm good. You know, two guys coming up with a working model for a doomsday device does not seem like a good reason to do some heavy drinking. Or maybe it does, depending on your perspective. I'm sure it seems pretty weird, but it was a serious breakthrough. So he's going to be able to go to Sidious and show them this doomsday device, and they'll start to take it seriously? Absolutely.

It can really destroy an entire solar system? Yeah. Yeah, it can. I'm a scientist, too, you know? Oh, yeah? It's not as fancy as a theoretical physicist. I think Earthlings call me a... Lymnologist?

I'm not familiar. Lakes and rivers, freshwater systems. That's cool. You know what, Jeremy, it is cool. Thank you for saying so. I convinced Tannis that we should come out here to the colony candidate so that I could study the freshwater systems of all these untouched planets.

But really, things were getting a little scary in the triad. Have you noticed that? Sure. I wanted to get away from it all, go somewhere where I didn't have to worry about inter-system politics or the Ted's or... Doomsday machines? Yes. I really do mean it when I call this good news.

Cigius is an amazing place, and it's an amazing example to other planets. But they've got to get their heads out of sand on this. Their heads out of the sand? Sorry, it's an Earth thing. There's this bird called an ostrich Never mind It's not enough for Sigius to just take care of its own business It's got to take the lead on things like this

I know I know where you're coming from The desire to escape is something I'm very familiar with But it always comes for you In the end there's no safe place And on that, tranquil note, I'm off to bed Sorry It's okay.

I understand where you're coming from, Jeremy. I'm glad you showed up. He was starting to consider taking farming more seriously. Gross. Right? Thanks for not saying anything. So you get spoken to like an adult, but you still have a mandatory bedtime. It's a little contradictory around here, Jeremy.

Okay. You lied to us earlier. I did? Mm-hmm. You said that you knew someone from my planet named Labusa. That's right. I don't remember my planet, so I read about it sometimes. No one is allowed to be named that on my planet.

It's a sacred name. Really? A long time ago, there was someone named Labusa on my planet. She's famous for being the daughter of this, like, warlord guy. So unless you were alive a long... time ago, you were lying to us. Sorry. I must have heard the name somewhere, and I guess I was trying to make you feel better.

You don't have to do that. Okay. I hate this wiser, Jeremy. Really? I hadn't heard. I'm the only kid in my class that has one. That doesn't make you feel cool? Do I look cool to you? Kind of.

I look like a Raxian riot cop. I'll tell you what. I can make that visor cool real quick, but you can't tell your parents. How? Can you give it to me? Um, okay. Thank you. What are you doing?

Don't panic, but the sound you're about to hear is the sound of me cracking open the data center for your visor. I don't think you're supposed to do that. I'm definitely not. Hang on. See, they will. wanted to sell visors with upgrades on them, but they found it was cheaper to sell everyone the same visor with the upgrades locked away. And you can pay to have them unlocked. Upgrades? There we go. Okay. Put it back on. Okay. Um, it looks the same. So, that button on the side

that doesn't do anything? Mm-hmm. Give it a try. Whoa. That's a low-light fit. It looks like it's the middle of the day. I know. That is cool. What did I tell you? Press it again. Okay. What is this?

That's the Ranger setting. It'll give you a compass, sunrise, sunset, topographical map in the corner. Okay. Can I see through walls? Kind of. Press it again. You're a big red, blob. Thermal imaging.

Look at the wall. There are two more red blobs. That's your parents sleeping in the next room. Whoa! This is amazing! See? I'm going to use this all the time. Good. Just don't get me in trouble. Look at them. I can see them sleeping through the wall.

You're always going to know where they are. And they're really going to hate that. My parents are now a couple of blobs. Did you know your parents? My parents? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I did. I do. Do you still talk to them?

No, it's a... It's a little hard to stay in contact when I'm out here. Mm-hmm. Do you think they miss you? I think my mom probably does. My dad... That's a little more complicated. Are you glad you knew them?

Yeah. I am. Family is a funny word, Turwin. Why is it a funny word? Family is the word you use for the people that give birth to you and who were born with you. That's how most people use the word. And then, one day you find yourself thrown together with a bunch of people you didn't choose and didn't choose you. And after a while, you turn around one day and you realize,

This collection of strangers you've stumbled into, that if anyone tried to hurt them or take them away from you, that you'd burn the whole world down to stop them. But you're not supposed to call them family. What do you call them? There's not a word for it in my language. Your dad had a big day today, Turwin. You should be proud of him. They're proud of you, too. How do you know that?

Because I know what it looks like when parents are disappointed. Earthlings are interesting. Thanks. I wish you didn't have to go. Me too. But there's something I have to do. Okay. Can I tell my parents about the visor?

Yes, but you have to wait until I'm gone. Okay. Goodbye, Jeremy. Goodbye. Begin pre-flight. Let's get out of here. It would take a full. full turn around a star, but the builder would finally make his weapon. A weapon that used dark ideas to harness dark forces. The builder faced a cursed God, and the weapon he would

use to defeat him would be equally cursed. The ones he loved would find it abhorrent, but the ones he loved were nowhere to be found. The builder was alone And when we are alone We go to the darkest places Status Fuel enrichment at 95% Alert me at 100%

Works almost done old man It's mounted on the hull And it'll be ready to launch any minute now Fine This is Hannaes Ilmosakia You've reached my comms node I'm currently residing in the Cigius colony candidates and these messages may take a while to reach me.

Please be patient. Hey, Honus. I imagine after I disappeared on you, you got real worried I had some nefarious purposes. I wanted to leave you this message to let you know that I don't have any dark designs, okay? Playing this out in my head, you probably approached Sidgius with our design,

and they probably had a nice big Sigian freak out. If there was one particular Sigian involved in the conversation, it may have been revealed who it really was that visited your house a while back. So, my name is Leif. If check the Ted's top ten most wanted list, actually, you won't find me there because they think I'm dead. I am dead. But also not. It's complicated. Full disclosure, Honest.

I built it. There is currently a fully operational cowcatcher attached to the hull of my ship right now. And it's almost at full fuel enrichment. And yes, I am going to fire it. But my target isn't in the triad. It's much farther away. It's headed toward Cryptesia. A place called The Egg.

Ask a pirate. They'll tell you all about it. I'll launch it in just a few minutes. It will travel up out of the system and head towards Cryptesia. It'll reach the speed of light within the first day of travel. After that, it will increase its speed for years. By my estimation, it'll take about six and a half earth years to get there. By the time it reaches its target,

it will be going faster than maybe anything in the universe has ever traveled. Pretty amazing accomplishment. Too bad it's a weapon. I'm not going to attempt to tell you why I'm doing this. You're going to have to trust me. Yes, I realize how laughable that is. You've got a great family, Honest. I'm trying to protect them.

Fuel enrichment at 100%. Okay. Showtime. Launch. Beginning launch sequence. Eat shit, crock. Successful. I'm going to drink myself to sleep.

Set a proximity alarm at 0.5 parsecs. proximity alarm at 0.5 parsecs. His creation unleashed. The builder dwelt in darkness now. There is comfort there in the darkest places. Despite the absence of light, we know our dark place as well. They are with us always, tempting us away from the sunrise, away from the laughter, away from what could be. Christ, what?

Identify ship in proximity boundary. No ships in proximity boundary. Great. Nice work. I'm going back to sleep. What fuck is that? Full range scan for vessels. Change scan.

No vessel detected. Then what is that sound? Bring up external cameras. Nothing. That sound. I don't recognize that sound. Vent plasma from thrusters two and four. Venting plasma.

How do you lose the arm? Honestly, he hasn't been coherent since the gate shock set in. He doesn't get gate shock. That doesn't make any sense. Gate shock is the only term I have for what he's going through. I don't really know what's happened to him. His foot, too. Arm and foot.

But it's curious, I have no idea where they came from. I can't identify the manufacturer. Or the technology. They're more elegant than anything available in the triad. Could he have made it himself? Doubtful. He always had an aversion to biological interfaces. Rough crossing.

How did I get here? Yeah. Sit down. A long time ago, I got a message from you. At least, I think. it was you. You told me about a nice, quiet place on a mountain, and I thought to myself, this is not the man I knew. Who is this person? I ignored at first. I'm not sure what to do. My life is complicated. I don't have time for mystery, so I get on with things. And it sits there

in my inbox for a very long time. And then, one day, news breaks across the triad, something called Midnight Burger, criss-crossing the triad, riling up the locals. And there you are. This, this is

also not the man. I knew. It wasn't the man in the message. It wasn't the man that, you know, so. So who the fuck am I talking to right now? It's me. I know it's you, idiot, but who are you?

I can't stay on Earth. That'll just make it worse. I'll get out of here and hitch a ride somehow. I didn't come here on purpose. Earth, huh? Yes. What? Come outside.

Why? Get up and come outside. Come on. What are we doing? You remember that sexy thing you used to do where you'd look up in the sky and you could tell exactly where you were just by looking at the stars? No instruments or anything. Just that brain of yours. Remember that? I guess. Look up. What?

What the fuck? Fuck am I? Welcome to the horizon. You're listening to that music again. No. We're forbidden from listening to square dancing. I wasn't listening to square dancing. Anything on the scans?

No. Not yet. They told us the ship disappeared in this nebula. It has to be here somewhere. Maybe we're in the wrong nebula. Is it the Kyla Wren Nubula? It's the Kyla Wren Nebula. Then we're in the right nebula.

It just... Looks like purple mist everywhere. We'll find you. Our sensors don't work very well here. Then let's go home and tell them we gave up. Would you like to do that? I'm just saying it's going to take a long time. Then it takes a long time.

These are our orders. Okay. Fine. Are you listening to square dancing? Yes. You're gonna get us both set back to processing. I can't help it. You can't help it. Do you want to hear it?

There's our missing ship. Hail it. Working. It looks like it's drifting. Get closer. Okay. It's definitely drifting. What do you think happened to that?

Is that... Is something written on the side of the hall? Bitty? He hates their... Evening, gents. How about I give y'all a half a minute to repent your sins? Sure and tune in this time next month for more adventure. in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you. We open at six. Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters, Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Cowboy and Sasquatch Hunt Bethany's, Bethany the Lone Star Edition, Joji the Birdwatcher disguised as a Bethany. Aunt Buffy and her Uncle Denzo have agreed to help de-escalate the Bethany Crisis. Bailey Bethany Burr, the Bethany of Bethany's, Lady Bethany, A.K.A. Mrs. Turkey Spitay, Misses, Misses,

disguised as a Bethany. Aunt Buffy and her Uncle Denzo have agreed to help de-escalate the Bethany Crisis. Bailey Bethany Burr, the Bethany of Bethany's, Lady Bethany, A.k. A.m., A. N.molos Bethany, that is. Bethany in a random place. Alexander La Roque has brought La Guillotine to assist the Bethany's in their survival war. Viva La Revolution. Bethany 2. Electric Bougaloo. Wondering Bethany Biscuit. Jalen Lineris, secretly in N. Bethany. Wilbur Winklewright, Wristwatch Rangler of West Worcestershire, bamboozled by the bejillions of bustling Bethany's, Bethanyll belligerently blocking the sight of the devious Red Nell. Red Nell, hiding in a crowd of Bethany's

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Green Mountain Hermit might be allergic to Bethany Stoo. Arnold Rumspringer, the demise of the Temple of Bethany's. Whom, what, when, where, why, and Billy Rose would like to be at the beginning to say hello to all the Bethanyes, no matter the disputes. Billy Rose stole my Bethany's. Byro the motherfuckin' dragon is willing to solve the Bethany Crisis with Yatsy. The Giulio's Bohanan Foundation, the coalition of patrons named Bethany, and contributions to your TED station from viewers like you. Glorbnar 7.

Now granting refugee status to victims fleeing the Bethany Wars. Hicks Bethany Mates. Still Casper's number one fan, but now armed with a quantum spatula and ready to duel every Bethany in the multiverse with breakfast wisdom. I'm Ava's evil twin sister Bethany. Bethany the 23rd stirs their spring brew with an errant popsicle stick. My hot wife Bethany calls this show Space Burger all the time. Tibald the Bethany. There are only 105 MB fan fiction and no Bethany. Dr. D. Burtbertbert Law and Dubertbert Duway have joined the peacekeeping force and believe peace in the Bethany conflict is possible. Mr. Squizzle, Whizzle, the horrendous, secret co-conspirator behind the long ongoing Bethany War. If war is your game, Bethany is your name. Bethany wandering in a green field. My milkshake brings all the Bethany's to the diner. Dr. Professor Reverend Bethany, Bethany, Wethany, Wuffy McFuffenberger, MD, Ph. Ph. H.D. Ph. Ph. Ph. S. S. S. did not get the memo about our new policy for 128 character usernames.

Please contact our office, doctor. Chase and her army of turtles joined the Bethany War. CJ's Big Barbecue Bistro for Bethany's. N.B. Bethany's cut your car in half with the laser saw. Zachary DeFeyo. Kevin Wynens. Marlon C. Reney Paris. Aurora Blue. Cherish Hellfire. Lichen Lady.

Midnight Club. Knox. Lisa Lou. Emmon Hale. The Triad's Baddest Goblin. Emory and Lano. James Miles, Dave Sadler, Alary Hamilton, Max and Nia and Yvonne's Mark, Minion Simone Mimi Davis, Misty Don Mitchell Jr., Wayne Barahona, Jesse the Dragon Rider, We Will Not Rest until Puerto Rico and Palestine are free. Kaylee Heights, Radio Gould, Nissy's Mom, Pocatezpore-Splort, Joseph J. Pierce, Zephyr Vittreon,

Arlyle-Fleyn, Sparreal's, William LeMoyne, Jen and Britt, Adriana Bartolomucci, Jonah is Gay, The Midnight Ashes, Hornetti, Ballion Fair, unpaid intern that can barely afford the $10 a month, but fuck it, you guys earned it. Crushable Hale 53, Joey B, Dustin Watson, Nat Bearskin, and the Cosmic Powwow, The Only Ragnac Khan, Mistress Roxy Mornette, Avalon, It's Just Tyson now, Andrea Owens, The Tooth Fairy, Lindsay Bowen, the goddamn podcast lawyer, Chris Hightree, Quentin Elizabeth Jones, Hobbs Deco, Ashton James, Alex the Eldridge Escort and the trio of space hookers, Sly Fox

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Dalek Steve, Dancing Dog Dreams, an existentially exhausted bean. Start the recording. And now we're not going to say anything funny. Nope. Not a single funny thing, Jim. I'm not going to tell you all of the butt stuff that we were just talking about. So much butt stuff.

I'm not going to tell you about my professor who told me to wear thong underwear. Nope, not talking about that. We're not talking about pushing out your noise. I think it was powering out your noise. Power out your noise. It's so fucking good, dude. I'm sad we didn't catch it. Power out your noise, faith?

It's less funny when we talk about something that happened versus the thing happening. Right. Too bad. Sorry, everybody. It's telling your friend about a very funny thing and it's just not as funny when you tell them because it's not the funny thing. It's like, oh my God, I had this dream. Instantly don't care. It's never, it's, I, I totally understand that people have fun dreams. I, they don't translate. They are suddenly the most boring thing in the world as soon as somebody tries to tell me about them. Yeah, they don't translate. Like if you're going to tell me about a dream, just tell me like a single funny thing. Like a single, Less than 10 second, funny thing about your dream. Like, it's got to be sub 10 seconds or I'm checking out. Exactly right.

I once had a dream in college that I beat a friend of mine to death. See, that was sub 10 seconds. And it fucked me up, right? Because, like, I went to class and I saw this guy. And, like, we were friends. But there was no reason for me to dream that I literally beat him and kicked him to death in my sleep the night before. Oh, my God. And I told him about it and he thought it was the funniest thing you'd ever hurt.

Honestly, I would probably think that's funny too. If someone told me that they had a dream, they beat me to death. Like, I was distraught. I was like, I don't know how to look at you. I don't know what to do. And he's like, that's hilarious. Power out your noise. Ice gives you time.

That's it. Better? Okay. Yes. Joseph, use that take, please. He's going to have such a fun time editing this one. probably not even going to listen to my track. It's just going to be

Shelley. He's going to be like, why is she saying this word of her? This one line over and over. Tell him, Finley says you use the last take. Finley says use the last take, Joe. Thank you. Okay. That was perfect. So nice. Power out your sound. It's great. Wear that thong.

Where the hell out of that thong. Lady Macbeth I'm being so fucking theater school abstract right now. I hate I hate myself. No, this is good. This is good. This is good. Everything I hated about undergrad school.

Okay. Now, this is good for me. I literally have a keychain that says tummy troubles club. Just like we're like, the whole thing's going to go. You know what I mean? It's not just his hand that comes off. It's his arm. The whole fucking arm is got to go.

Yeah. Yeah. Word. Power out your noise. So, losing your arm in the Justine Burbank system, huh? So when are we going to get even older Eva? I didn't know it was something I wanted until right now. I'd watch yourself, Buster.

Okay. As he thought of them. He issued a promise to the empty air. I'm going to kill every single fucking one of you. You did it. I did it. Oh, it's so good. I hope you agree is because if you done it.

I hope so. He is incorrect. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Welcome to Magenta Presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Magenta. We begin with the five-part miniseries Ghosted, starring Beth Air and Lucy Roslyn. Perched on a rain-battered cliff edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky, boutique hotel. Owner and sole occupant Beth has spent months renovating,

absorbing its essence into her bones. It's an old building. You'll get used to it. But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget. Kira. Beth? What the fuck? Face to face for the first time in years. The pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances.

Beth, speak to me. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. And something else. Oh, I can't bear it. What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past, too. Beth, he's right there. Why is there blood on your hands?

We need to get out of here. Kira! Kira! I can still see him! Subscribe to Magenta Presents, wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon, fans of the esoteric. Bye. Gender presents.