Midnight Burger - Chapter 50: Some Guy

Episode Date: March 10, 2026

“… And Yet, they endure.”Caspar - Joe FisherLibuza - Shelly DarringtonTwo, Three, The Ex - Camille SmickerPhilomena - Amber DekkersAnna Kearney - Maria McCannMcKenzie Dunna - Crystal DelaurentisAva - Finlay StevensonMarguerite - Lauren LeBlancDavid - Quintin Jones Jr.Written by Joe FisherDirected and Produced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonEpisode Art by JuicheeMusic:The Prisoners Song by Vernon DalhartRovin’ Gambler perf. by Ian FergusonRead and search Scripts with PodScripts: https://podscripts.app/For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218How about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comFind and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Previously on Midnight Burger. Hey. Okay. Check. Location. No idea. Good morning. X?

Please proceed with us to testing center three. Us? Please proceed with us to testing center three. We will begin your debrief there. X's? Okay. Sure. Way, ladies.

had a pager on me. Have either of you seen it? We'll begin your debrief in Testing Center 3. Sure. Through this door. Okay. Any chance one of you could kill me right now? No, no.

Didn't think so. That's my pager. I always said that when we visited someone's house for the first time, we should bring a gift. And you argued with me and argued with me. But now look at what you brought me, darling. Oh, honey. Let's start the shift.

Maybe even today. He may have handed you coffee, ringing your groceries. You may have gotten mad at him as he lingered too long at a stoplight. Every day, a thousand faceless, nameless people. That's him. He hardly escapes the background for you, doesn't he? A non-player character. A drone.

As soon as you meet him, you forget him. And yet This is where I leave you The final story is not one of myths or legends But the opposite Of those of us who are tossed back and forth By immense waves Of the powerless

Amidst dizzying forces Of the minuscule In the land of giants And yet And before my poor darling would suffer And yet They endure That ship would be anchored

And so Philemina Bill Bill I would like to take this time to apologize To all turtles We have kept you in glass cages like this And we thought you guys loved it

I now know that it sucks. I will not rest until you have all been freed. I am now a turtle like you, my brothers. I stand in solidarity. Could I please have some lettuce and a heat lamp? Good morning. Oh, hi. Do you require food?

I was just asking for lettuce. Yes. Something that's not a joke. Is there a menu? There is not a menu. Why isn't she talking to me? We're required to do a series of assessments first. Can I just talk to work, please?

I really don't want to run on a treadmill. We're not asking you to run on a treadmill. What are you asking me to do? Sample your DNA. How invasive is this DNA sampling? I'll need you to swab your cheek. Okay. Okay, fine, if that'll move things along.

I'll come in. Okay, where's the door on this thing? No, there isn't one. Well, how are you going to get in here? Like that. How did you walk through the glass wall? I'm made of the same substance. Single structure crystalline adaptive.

Yes. Here. Okay. So, when was the last time that she saw me? I'm afraid I can't answer questions like that until I'm authorized to. I see. This is weird. I imagine many aspects of your situation are unusual.

Whoa. No, I mean, you. I'm used to you being funnier. Funnier? Yeah. Well, I have no record of his meeting. No, not you, you. I mean, uh, an earlier version of you. There are no earlier versions of me. There's not? I'm two. The other model is three.

Where's one? Um, um, the prototype? Sure. Well, the prototype was a failure. It atomized itself upon activation. atomized itself. Yes. You mean it disappeared? Essentially.

Okay. It didn't atomize itself. I don't know what you mean. It teleported away. Teleported. Yes. I'm not capable of teleportation. Are you sure?

How does one discern if they are capable of teleportation? I don't know. Have you tried squinting your eyes and going... I'm not going to do that. Well, then we may never know. Here. Thank you. That DNA test is going to come back saying I'm Casper, her ex-husband.

That's impossible. Yeah, okay. Are you sure you don't require food? I'd like a Chicago dog. We're not in Chicago. If only you can teleport. Were you implying that you knew the prototypes? X.

That's what I called her. I'm saying that the prototype was maybe the best friend I've ever had. Which bodes well for us. But you may need to loosen up a little. I'm Casper, by the way. That's impossible. Okay. If our heads like an angel.

He appears to believe everything he says. I can see that. The song is called The Prisoner's Song. I know what the song is. How long on the DNA? Two is performing it right now. Five minutes. Okay. Let's take this call.

Who is it? Reuters. Okay. Dr. Scott? Hello there. I'm Anna Kearney with Reuters. Thank you for doing this. It's no problem.

Do you mind if I record this? Not at all. Okay. One second. Thank you for sitting down with us, Dr. Scott. You've been avoiding the press lately. I don't agree with that characterization. How would you characterize it?

Do you have children? I do. When they're throwing a tantrum, I find it best to let them go off for a while. Then, once they calm down, you can actually have a conversation. Is that how you'd characterize the discourse lately? A tantrum? I signed a contract with the Chinese government to build three power plants, and it induced a global pant shitting. Yes, I'd call that a tantrum.

Let's say I've been... Selective. The last thing I wanted was for SSCA to become a circus before people even had a chance to understand what we'd created. But you understand that's inevitable now. Your company has demonstrated a material that can essentially, what, restructure itself at the molecular level to become whatever we need it to be? That's the simplified version, yes. Single structure crystalline adaptive is a programmable material at the the atomic level. Think of it as a universal building block. You give it instructions, provide the right energy input, and it reconfigures its crystalline structure. It can become a superconductor for power generation, a structural material stronger than carbon fiber, or compress itself into a substrate that makes silicon chips look like a Commodore 64.

And you stumbled onto this while researching, what was it? Quantum dot arrays? I love that phrase. Stumbled on to like it's that commercial for peanut butter cups. We were looking at quantum confinement in crystal line matrices, trying to solve a completely different problem. Okay. I don't want to get too into the weeds, technically.

I don't want to lose people. So let's start with these power plants you're building. Why are these revolutionary? Single structure crystalline adaptive can form a lattice structure that captures ambient thermal differentials and converts them with 93% efficiency. No moving parts, no fuel consumption. A facility the size of a city block

could power Manhattan for about 4% of the current. cost. And that's a conservative estimate. I have to ask the obvious question. How is that possible? It seems to violate everything we understand about thermodynamics. I thought you didn't want to dwell on the technical aspects. I'm afraid I got sucked back in. It doesn't violate anything. We're just exploiting inefficiencies that we couldn't access before. The material creates a cascade effect at the quantum level. Every thermal gradient, no matter how small, becomes harvestable. The ocean, the air, the ground beneath our feet. They're all massive batteries we've never been able to tap properly. What I've created is the key that fits the lock.

Which is amazing enough, but these power plants, they build themselves? That's right. You provide a template and the material does the rest. We've built bridge spans, building frameworks, even complex architectural forms right here at our campus. No cranes, no construction crews. The material flows into place and locks into the configuration you've specified. So I've never worked in construction, but I'm sure you can imagine how someone who builds things for a living would hear that and... Think about retiring.

Millions of people work in construction globally. Energy sector workers, chip manufacturers, engineers, entire supply chains. We're talking about economic disruption on a scale we've never seen. That's right. How do you feel about that? I don't care. You... You don't care?

Anna. May I call you, Anna. Of course. When I was an undergrad, I was... I was always surprised by the amount of unhoused people living just outside of campus. And because my brain works in a particular way, I decided to try and get the number of unhoused people in the entire country. This was before every bit of information was at your fingertips,

so it took me a minute. But I got the number. At the time, it was roughly 500,000. It's more now. I looked at that number, and I found it's manageable. 500,000? That's a manageable problem for the richest nation on Earth. What would it take?

Then I crunched the numbers for the amount of unoccupied housing in the entire country. It was more than 500,000, several times more. There's the solution right there. But something was in the way, you see. My naive undergraduate self was seeing the world as a set of problems that we didn't have solutions for. But I looked at the world in its entirety, and I looked at problem after problem. And all of them, every single one of them, had a solution that was ready and waiting. But something was in the way.

In science, we're often told to work the problem. Don't just collect data. work the problem. I came to find that the problem wasn't the problem. The real problem was the thing that stood between the problem and the solution, so I decided to attack that instead. We've spent the last several thousand years operating under the assumption that resources are fundamentally limited, that we have to compete for them, ration them,

build entire economic and political systems around their distribution. Single structure crystalline adaptive doesn't just make things cheaper. It makes the concept of scarcity itself obsolete. For energy, for housing, for computational power, for infrastructure. Do you understand what that means? I think we all do. And I think that's what's scaring people. Imagine a world where energy is too cheap to meter,

where housing isn't a commodity that people struggle to afford, but something that can be created wherever it's needed, where computing power isn't rationed by cost, but available to anyone who needs it. What does education look like in that world? Healthcare, scientific research. When you can run simulations that would currently require a national, budget. That sounds utopian. I don't believe in utopia. You're literally talking about a utopia.

I don't like utopia. Utopia suggests everything's taken care of. But all I'm talking about is everyone getting what they need to live. Once we move beyond that, there's always a frontier out there. There are always difficult problems to be solved. Can you understand the fear around what your discovery implies, though? It sounds terrifying if you're an oil company. If you're a real estate investment trust. If you're a nation state that derives its power from controlling access to rare earth minerals. You just listed some very powerful organizations there, Dr. Scott. You seem to be implying that I'm the one who should be scared.

You have been receiving death threats, haven't you? My security concerns are very well handled. On the topic of what we should be afraid of, I've had three meetings in the past week with representatives from different governments. Not one of them. Ask me how SSCA could solve their country's energy crisis or housing shortage. Every single one wanted to know if it could be weaponized. Who else had access to it and how they could control its distribution?

People are afraid of me? And can it be? Weaponized? Anything can be weaponized. And how do you plan on preventing that? You're still missing it, Anna. What am I missing? You've listed all these industries that I'm going to put out of business.

You were missing one. One of the biggest. War. Every war is about resources in the end. Land, oil, water, minerals, food. Maybe it's dressed up as something else. But it's always about one of those. You're saying that your invention will bring about world peace?

Yes, forever. You sound very confident. I am. So these bold statements aren't the only reason you've made people uncomfortable. I'm aware. I can see there's someone with you right now. That's right. So you can make all of these amazing things with this discovery of yours,

but the most amazing thing is that you've, You've made a person? Yes. Is that one of them? This is three. Dr. Scott, would you mind if I spoke to her? Go ahead. Hello.

Your name is three? That's right. Three, in addition to all of these bridges and power plants, Dr. Scott has said that you are also made of this substance, this crystalline substance. I am. That's a stem. G.

Gee, thanks. Three, are you... I don't know what the word is. Are you self-aware? Well, my name is three, and I'm standing right here. So what else do you need to know? I'm trying to get a sense of whether or not you're conscious. I'm not sure how to answer that question.

Why? Are you conscious? What do you mean? You're talking about consciousness like it's settled science. As of right now, I don't know that there's anyone on Earth who knows what consciousness actually is. How can I tell you if I am a thing when you don't know what that thing is? I suppose that's a fair point. Don't you think it's mind-boggling that Dr. Scott,

was able to just make a person? At the age of 23, Dr. Scott also made a person. His name is David. For some reason, that creation didn't warrant an interview with Reuters. It should have. That's hardly the same thing. I'm not sure. I agree with that. I was created.

I learned the same way a human would. I learned several million times faster than a human would, but I did learn. Can you understand how something like you would cause a bit of anxiety for the average human being? Of course. I'll just go ahead and ask. Do you have any plans to rise up and dominate humankind? Not today. No.

We've made a lot of movies about that fear. Yes. Yes, you have. But you're assuming that if a consciousness arose, it would act like you. Is that so ridiculous? Well, I suppose not, but I'm not like you. Don't need anything. I don't require any resources to function the way humans do.

The desire to rise up and conquer Earth would imply that I needed something, and I, by design, don't need anything. I just exist. Three is emblematic of the future I'm talking about. We can all be like her. We can stop being creatures driven by need. Because all of our needs will be met. That's right.

I think people will come around to this. It's hard to wrap your mind around. But once you do, you'll realize that this is the way forward for all of us. You think people will come around? I do. Even though there's talk in Washington of season. your discoveries in the name of imminent domain? Yes.

What do you have to say to the politicians that insist it's in the national interest for your discoveries to be owned by the U.S. government? That's actually why I wanted to do this interview. Really? Yes. Congress needs to understand something. What's that? They can't take something from me that doesn't belong to me.

How does all of this not belong to you? Right before this interview, I published everything we have. on our website. Every aspect of single structure crystalline adaptive is now free and available to everyone on earth. You, you're just giving it away? It's cheap to produce an infinitely scalable. If you have a master's in engineering, you can make a power plant in your backyard, if you like. If everything plays out the way you say it will, you would be the most powerful person on the planet. And you just surrender all of that? And you're still not getting it.

Let's continue this at another time. Doctor... That was boring. The test is back. And? DNA is a perfect match for Casper. Interesting. Okay.

Oh, hi! Welcome to the Casperarium. You know, if you pay a dollar, you can get a little thing full of fish to throw me. Let's mix it up in here. Let's get some penguins. Are you calling the cops? Officer, help, I've imprisoned my ex-husband. Hi there. This is Casper. You may be thinking about hanging up and sending me a text message right now. Please know that I won't respond to that either. Bye. Hey, it's me. Call me as soon as you can. I'd call you back, but there's no phone in here. Who are you? It's me, Philomena. No, it's not. I mean, no, it's not. But

But yes, it is. Keep going. This is going to sound ridiculous, but please keep in mind that, you know, look around. Your life sounds pretty unbelievable, too. So, once upon a time I walked into a diner called Midnight Burger. Turns out that diner was a time-traveling dimension spanning diner that hops from universe to universe every 24 hours. For some reason, inside of that diner was this old-timey radio that was apparently put there

by a fourth dimensional being named Chuck inside the radio or two old-timey radio personalities named Effie and Zebulon, Mucklewain. And they could actually talk to me and we would talk back and forth and it was a wonderful time, but not really. It was actually pretty terrifying. Also, it turns out I don't age when I'm on board this diner. So I stayed there for over a hundred years before I even started talking to another actual real human being.

What a lot of adventures, apparently. I don't really remember them because apparently when you don't age, it also, fucks with your memory and you start to, I don't know, compartmentalize things, I guess. Eventually a guy walked in named Leaf. Turns out he was a galactic criminal. I didn't learn that until much later. But anyway, we hung out for a while and that was a good time. We had some adventures together.

It was very college. It was very immature. And then this other lady showed up named Ava. Ava is kind of a rogue theoretical physicist. She was really interested in what the diner was and why it's doing this and stuff like that. And then it was all three of us plus the mucklewains. And that was a good time too. and also terrifying.

And then this lady named Gloria showed up, who was a woman who had just lost her tacharia in a pandemic. Did you guys have a pandemic here? It sounds like it was pretty bad. Anyway, when she showed up, things started changing a lot faster. And then suddenly we were on the run from a galactic evil empire called the Ted Empire. We managed to get out of that. And then this woman named Clementine showed up.

It was kind of this out of control space demon turns out, though she was actually created by this guy named Kroc, who was essentially a god and doesn't like the fact that we exist and he's trying to destroy us. Anyway, he almost captured us, but we managed to get out of it by shooting ourselves with time displacement weapons. Those time displacement weapons send us to a random place in time somewhere out there in the cosmos. But because we had those pagers on, they sent us to a place that we are somehow connected to. And that landed me right here in the middle of your apparently incredibly high-tech campus in, I'm guessing. San Francisco, you always wanted to move there. So if that was your guess,

congratulations. How are you? Nothing. I just did an interview with Reuters. I know that when I do these, sometimes you get reporters calling you. I just wanted to give you a heads up. I'm really looking forward to it.

I've started openly lying to them. I hope that's okay. Great. The other day I told someone from the economist that you grew up Amish. I hope that's cool. Great. How's David?

He's fine. He still hates his job, so if you could speed up all this utopia nonsense you've got going on, that would be great. He should be working with me out here. Well, he's not going to do that, Phil. You know how he is. You're on the cover of Time magazine. It's kind of a long shadow you cast. It's hard to get out from under it.

Fine. Give him my love. I will. He does, of course, have his own phone. Casper? Yeah, yeah. Okay. I will.

Thank you. Okay. I've got to go. Okay. There's going to be penbal in this brave new world, right? Goodbye. I sound like I'm doing good. Am I doing good?

Where do I work? Is it the DMV? I hated the DMV. He teaches middle school history. Fuck yeah. That guy rules. Put him back on. I want to talk about Napoleon.

Who are you? Philomena, I swear to God it's me. There doesn't appear to be any cloning hallmark. This was unlikely. You thought it was a clone? I'm exploring. all options. Well, it's kind of ridiculous, don't you think? I'm standing with two sentient Androids. It doesn't sound ridiculous. Right. Sorry, I'm used to them. You're used to them?

Yeah, I've met them before, kind of. Kind of. Two was telling me that there was a number one. One atomized itself when I activated. He says that one actually teleported when it was activated. It wasn't atomized. That's impossible. Not impossible. It teleported away and hunted me down. Why would it hunt you down? Because of how she programmed it. What is he talking about? Uh-oh. Phil, did you not tell the pointer sisters here how you programmed number one? This is pretty great. What do you mean? She programmed it to hunt down and confront her ex. You did? How did you know that? What do you mean? It hunted me down and confronted me. Or I tried to, but then it got overloaded somehow and wait a minute

wait I know what happened you were sitting there in your mad scientist's lab making a whole ass person and the mad scientist got a little mad didn't she prototype wasn't supposed to work right so you're saying to yourself

well this shit isn't going to work doesn't really matter what I program into this bot how about I make it confront my ex-husband and then you hit enter and it disappears Right? You have no idea what you created. She can travel through time and space. She can read minds.

She's indestructible. She's a total fucking goofball who drives me crazy. We're not capable of any of those things. I mean, I wasn't capable of singing, but David really needed me to sing him a song when he was a baby, so there I was singing, and now I think we can all agree, the pipes. Am I right? She's one of the best friends.

you've ever had. Yeah. Yeah, she is. How about my pager? The thing you found on me when I showed up, you had a look at it, right? Yes. What do you think?

I have no idea what it is. Neither do I. But I'm guessing that technology was like not of this earth, right? I need your story to be more believable. Phil? Me too. You want to know where number one is right now?

She's on a distant planet somewhere, helping a sentient tree species repopulate itself because you felt like it was the right thing to do. Me too. I'm pulling up the files for the prototype from the archive. See, this is what she does when she doesn't know how to proceed with an argument. She'll say she needs more information, and then days go by. Please speak, Pasco.

Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues again. Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues again. Access granted. See, ladies. She thought she was being really sneaky because she hates Bob Dylan. They'll never guess that I have a Bob Dylan lyric as my password, she would say. Send all archives for Simulacrum prototype to my main drive. Sending files. We'll continue this later.

Phil, I'm not trying to do anything. Okay, I didn't mean to come here. I know it's very strange. but to get out of your life, I'm going to need your help. How's that Chicago dog coming? I'm sure you can understand her reaction. Yeah, I understand. You guys seem to be fine, though.

We're very curious. So cover of Time magazine, huh? Her ideas are revolutionary. It's pretty cool. You know, when we were married, I always wondered what she was doing with me. Pretty sure the feeling was mutual. Can we try and to confirm some things with you? This entire time, we've been trying to work out exactly what you're suggesting.

This whole time. Yes. You haven't said a word to each other this entire time. Correct. Because you're always talking to each other. Correct. Okay. Let's hear it.

You seem to be alleging that you've come from an alternate universe. Yes. Which would confirm the many worlds theory. Sure. That is actually a more believable story than the one you just told us. Guys, I know. I hate how stupid it sounds. I always have.

It would be way cooler if I was in some sort of amazing ship of the future called Starlight or something, but it's not. It's a fucking diner, okay? Fries her up. Also, you're in the Mesozoic. That's how it's been, okay? Well, I'm sure you understand our problem. Do I? We can't explain your existence.

And your explanation is ridiculous. What are we supposed to do with all of that? X, I have no idea. X? Sorry, force of habit. Why did you call her that? We called her the X-Bot at first. It got shortened to X.

This was after she became your friend? Yeah. We had gotten her to short circuit somehow, and we figured she was junk, so we left her where we found her, 1930s, Kentucky, I guess. After we left the locals found her and threw her in the river, for some reason.

And she laid there at the bottom of a creek for decades, putting herself back together. She finally pulled herself up out of the river, and I guess the first person she thought of was me, which was great, because I was a prisoner at the time. Why were you a prisoner? You know what? How about I just stop there? This story gets more and more unbelievable, the deeper I go into it. There's got to be some way to make me look less like a crazy person, right?

Isn't there like, are you trying to tell me that I came all the way here from another universe, and there's no way of detecting that? Why aren't you saying anything? We're talking. Okay. There are a few things we could try. Okay. The most effective method would either be detecting isotope ratio anomalies or detecting a fine structure constant variation. Okay.

Do we flip a corner? We've chosen constant variation. Good. That's what I would choose. Because we already have a high precision spectrometer on campus. Great. That's what I was going to say next. I was going to say, hey, where's the spectrometer? We'll be back. Okay, bye.

I'll just sit here in the aquarium. If I had someone to love me, blee, bler, blee, blah, blee, blah, blee, blow. It's really be the end. To be stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues game. Is that glass of wine number one or number two? Two. Hell yeah, glass of wine number two, Philomena.

I know her well. Have a seat, sailor. You know, I'm changing. Changing the world over here, Casper. That's what I hear. Do you have any idea the amount of human suffering I'm going to eliminate? A whole lot, I bet. What are we talking about right now?

Never mind. So what happened with you guys? Who? You and David and Casper. I don't know. I asked because it's kind of reversed, where I come from. Reversed, how? Where I come from, he actually has a better relationship with you than he does with me.

Really? Yeah Why? Long story short, we argued a lot Constantly, actually I missed his middle school graduation Okay It's not a huge deal

We were supposed to go on a family trip Right after I forgot that too That's It happens So you two left without me And you got on the next plane, I'm assuming, Phil.

I didn't notice you were gone until you got back. Your whole family left, and you didn't notice... I'm saving the world over here, Casper. Okay. There was a lot going on at the time. Saving the world, for example. Are you? Phil, I swear to God, it's just me.

I just come from a place where this happened and that happened instead of that thing and the other thing, which is disturbing to know that we're just made up of the things that happened to us, but it's just me. What was I? In my world? Uh, CPA. Jesus. Really?

Yeah. That sounds terrible. Yeah, you hated it. I hope so. You were so good at it, though. I hope so. God damn. What was I like during tax season?

You would kind of forget we exist. So, maybe we're not entirely made up of the things that happened to us. I have to say, it's nice being in a universe where it wasn't my fault. Kind of cozy. Nobody can really wrap their mind around what I'm going to do for this planet. It is a little hard to believe. Everyone's going to have what they need, Casper. everyone. And yet, despite all that, getting him to talk to me is like pulling teeth. Middle school

graduation. Who the hell cares about their middle school graduation? Well, first of all, I'd say it wasn't about him caring about it. It was about you forgetting about it. Secondly, I don't imagine it was just about that. Right? You know, eventually he reached out to me. After not hearing from him for a long time, he reached out to me and we started talking. again. That doesn't sound like him. I know. I was surprised by it too. But eventually he just let it all go. How did he manage that if you were zipping around the cosmos? For a while we were stranded in Pasadena. He was living in Pasadena? Well, he was living in Hollywood. He was one of the few people in Los Angeles who voluntarily didn't have a car. He worked for the city

archives and at night he was doing street art. Oh, that goddamn street art. I wish he wouldn't do that. He's going to get arrested. Probably. But hey, then the two of you can bond over your arrest records. Wait, did that not happen here? It happened.

Does he know? No. You should tell him. No, thank you. He probably doesn't even know what the Battle of Seattle is. He should know about it. He'd find a way to hate me for it. Uh, you're probably right.

Mom, you protested the World Trade Organization when you were my age. Now look at you. It would go exactly like that. Although, you protested the WTO in 1999. Cut to today. You're about to destroy the whole thing. Fuck, yeah, I am. Talk about a grudge.

Practical joke. Is that what this is? Who would pull a practical. joke like this. The universe. The universe? Yeah. I just solved all of the world's problems today, Casper. I imagine it'll take about 10 years, but after that, no more suffering.

It's the kind of thing that makes you want to retire early and watch it all happen. You feel like your work is done. And then you show up. I am pretty good at ruining a party. Oh, I know. Phil David's in trouble. How do you mean? Not David from your universe.

Another David I met out there, the Pasadena, David. In trouble, how? It has to do with a war in a far-off galaxy called Cryptesia? Jesus Christ, Casper. Stop asking me for details. It makes it sound stupider. This is why I need your help. Some random David out there. Yeah.

He's not even your David. You and I both know that doesn't matter. We're back. What is this? We've been working on something. Is that the spectrometer? We had to borrow it. What's attached to it?

And why does it look like a hairdriar? We thought we'd try and devise a way to detect visitors from other universes. We settled on two possible paths. The first was detecting isotope ratio anomalies. Different quantum outcomes during the nucleosynthesis of this Casper's universe could produce different isotopic compositions. Their hydrogen might have a weird deuterium ratio or their carbon-12-carbon-13 ratio could be off. This would be detectable through mass spectrometry of their tissue. But there were too many variables for that method, so we thought we tried detecting a fine structure constant variation.

That's interesting. Hi, my name is Casper, and I work at the DMV. If your origin universe has even slightly different fundamental constants, atoms in your body would emit light at different wavelengths. Like, I'd glow in the dark or something? It wouldn't be visible to the naked eye. But it might be if we hit you with a spectrometer. Okay, so you're shining a black light on me.

Essentially. I'm going to bombard you with harmless isotopes. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time. What do you think, ma'am? Is she on glass of wine number one or number two? Number two, we're good. Great. Nice work, you two.

Light him up. Here we go. Okay. Hopefully, this is what finally transforms me into a superhero. Powering up. Captain Isotope. Hold still. Doctor Spectrometer.

I'm closing my eyes. I've closed my eyes. Can anyone tell me what's happening? You're glowing. Really? I am glowing. What does that mean? That means it worked.

Phil, look at me. It's like the end of close encounters. Come into my ship. Shut it off. Hey, Philomena. What do we do now? I don't know. But I have to get back to the diner.

You want me to return you to one specific universe in an ocean of infinite universes? Um... Yeah? I don't know how to do it. that. Security alert. Multiple unknown subjects inside campus perimeter. God damn it. What is this now? One moment, ma'am. Where's security? We're checking, ma'am. What's going on? We've always got somebody trying to get on campus to have a little moment of protest. They're protesting you saving the world. They're protesting me, eliminating their jobs and overlooking

the saving the world part. They must love their jobs. They don't. I can't seem to contact security. I'm not. We're not sure. They won't answer. We're contacting the police. Since we're being invaded, can somebody let me out of the terrarian? You'll be fine. You're safer in there than anywhere on Earth. Nothing can get through that glass. I'd still kind of like to get out of here. Hesper, relax.

Whoever they are, they'll be gone in a few minutes. Ma'am. What is it? Our security detail appears to be gone. Gone? What do you mean? We're checking security feeds all over the building. We don't see them.

Where did they go? We're not sure. They can't have just disappeared. Yes, they're. could have. What are you talking about? Roll back the security footage right before the alarm went off. Casper.

Sadly, I wasn't joking about anything that I said to you. Ma'am. What? This is the footage from right before the alarm went off. Who the hell are they? Shit. Who are they? The bad guys.

The what? Where are they now? Checking. They're right outside of this room. Okay. You guys need to go right now. Ma'am, we're going to handle this. You must stay in this room.

Wait. The police will be here soon. Do not leave this room. Wait. Their weapons aren't what you think they are. Fuck! What are their weapons? I told you, I wasn't kidding.

They're temporal displacement weapons. It doesn't matter how bulletproof you are. What do they want you for? To kill me, I imagine. Why? Give us Casper. Disarm yourselves and wait for the authorities to arrive. This will be your only warning.

Ah, damn it. They're gone. What did I tell you? We have to get out of here. I'm opening the glass. We need to leave now. Bill, it doesn't matter. Why?

They can be anywhere they want. You need to leave, though. They're just here for me. Why are they here for you? Please don't make. my last words on this earth be me explaining a ridiculous story to you. Get out of here.

They'll be gone as soon as I'm gone. Casper! I don't know. Who is that? Who? What the hell are these assholes? X! Hey, God!

I had an idle moment and decided to check in on you and, uh, damn dude. Right? Why are you in a glass box? And why is it made of me? X. Look around. Holy.

Shit. I'm back. Welcome home. One? Hi, Mom. Welcome back, San Francisco. Mackenzie Duna coming at you with some breaking news. As you know, there's a lot of tech companies here in the Bay Area doing all sorts of amazing things, but none of them more amazing than Emelda and Scott International Tech, and its CEO, Filomena Scott.

Their technologies are set to change the world as we know it. but there have been quite a few conspiracy theories about Dr. Scott and her company. Those conspiracy theories went into high gear last night when there were reports of the police being called to the campus of ISIT, and then promptly turned away by the CEO herself. In an effort to quash these rumors, the CEO was gracious enough to call it. in today. Filamina, thank you for being with us this morning. Good morning.

So after an emergency notification was sent to local SFPD last night, they arrived to find you at the front gate, letting them know it was a false alarm and there was nothing to worry about. That's right, McKenzie. We were testing some new security protocols last night and a proximity alert was accidentally Oh, which is completely understandable, but there are some rather strange accounts we're hearing. People walking by your campus last night reported to police that they saw, I'm going to quote here, a man falling out a 10th story window and plummeting to his death.

Those reports happen right around the time the police were alerted to the security breach, and it's raising some eyebrows. McKinsey, I can't speak to the strange accounts from random people on the street. We allowed police full access to our facility last night, and they found no evidence of anything like that happening. Anything outside of a mistaken security alert is just more of the rumor-mongering nonsense that has followed this company around for the past several years. Fair enough.

Are you afraid that? that incidents such as this will be used by your competitors to discredit your company at such a crucial time. I would be, McKenzie. But luckily for me, I don't have any competitors. I love that confidence. Thanks for being with us today, Philomena. Of course. Hello? So, it's finally happened. You've started throwing your employees off the roof. Hesper, can this wait? Please say it was because they messed up your coffee order. Could you possibly call to poke fun at me some other time?

Sorry, this was my only free time this week. It'll have to be now. You've got a busy week of grading middle school essays on the Magna Carta. Hey, middle school history essays are stirring, Philomena. It's the smartest they'll ever get without any cynicism added to the mix. All right. Well, thanks for calling. Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I wasn't just calling to make fun of the most powerful person on the planet. Stop calling me that. Look, David has an art.

gallery showing coming up. He does? Yeah, you should come. How does a street artist have an art gallery showing? I have no idea. You should come to the showing. Does he want me to come to the showing? He would love for you to be there.

Casper. Okay, I'm going rogue a little bit. He seems to think that you wouldn't show up, but I'm here calling you anyway because I think that you both would secretly like it and then you would both publicly hate me for it. Uh,

Casper, I cannot tell you how bad of a time this is for me. Because you're busy throwing people off the roof. Yes. Okay. I'm going to send you this information, and I want you to think about it, okay? Don't let any of the mechanized minions

take it off your schedule. It's in Baltimore. The gallery is called through salt. Through salt? What does that mean? I don't know. I don't know, art. I'll think about it.

Phil, according to you, the whole world is about to change. Come do something normal for a minute. One last, normal-ass thing before we're all living in the future. I'll think about it. Okay, happy roof tossing. Goodbye. So, the kids are getting really big. The kids are getting big.

Shell's getting big. We've got Britwords. Megan with an H. Penny Sparkles. Pistachio Inc. Aaron James Tyrone Barlow, the first of his name. Oh, and little Eliana. I'm guessing you came up with Penny Sparkles. Yeah, that was me. So you just wake up in the morning and water the children? Well, it was easy at first because apparently with tree people, the kids stay rooted in the ground for the first year. But now, They're mobile and they're running around and it's a lot. Hello? Hey, hey, how did it go? It should be fine.

Great. Sorry about your security guys. And about two and three. I really had no idea they would try and hunt me down. But X is telling me that she thinks two and three are going to. to be okay. If they're made anything like me, they can handle all sorts of punishment. So they may be floating out there in space somewhere, but they're going to be fine. Mm-hmm. Your security detail, on the other hand, it's not looking good for them.

Sadly, no. The security detail were all Androids as well. They were? Yes. Okay. Okay, that's better. I mean, there's now a bunch of super powerful androids out there floating through space, trying to figure out what's going on. Right.

Right. Which is better than being dead. Sure. I mean, honestly. I'm a little jealous. There's so much self-discovery in their future. Yeah, it sounds like fun to me. Fun. Phil, were there any actual human beings working with you in this building?

Was everyone here an android that you made? Hey, Casper, I think maybe mom and I need to talk alone for a minute. Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'll just, uh, you know, I'll be in my aquarium. Okay? Great. So, you're taking care of trees? Well, it's a race of tree people. They're alive. They're just more like plants than they are like you and Casper. How did you end up doing that? It felt like the right thing to do.

Turns out I'm incredibly powerful mom. Being powerful left me at a loss. Turns out being powerful is, well, it's meaningless. I needed it to mean something. So, I decided to take it. care of others. You weren't supposed to function. I was just throwing ideas together. Turns out I function. Turns out I function way past what you were expecting. Can you really do all of the things that Casper says you can do?

Sure. Come over here. What is that? Do you read ancient Greek? No. Okay. This is... This is the Mermodons by a guy named Escalis. Why did you bring me this? Well, this is a script for a plate. A script that doesn't exist anymore. It burned in a fire in the library of Alexandria. I just went and grabbed it just now.

I'm sure you can have it tested somehow. Though at this point, I'm not sure how you can call it. all anything unbelievable. How the hell did I make you? Well, you only did part of it. The rest was chance and circumstance encounters with the unknown. All those things made me like anyone else. You're not like anyone else.

Well, neither are you. Neither is anybody. I just happened to come out like this. Mom, you had no idea what you were making. I mean, does anyone ever really know what they're making? I... Look. Okay.

I can totally come back some other time and hang out and talk and catch up and all that. I would love. Love that. Right now, though, those guys are still chasing Casper, and they are not going to stop. So we've got to figure out how to get him out of here. And not just out of here. There's really only one place he'll be safe. You're beautiful.

Thank you. Okay. Okay. Let's get started. Okay. Okay. We're good. Okay.

Here we go. I don't even know how to talk about this. I know. I've got this friend that I'm trying to get back to. When things like this happen, she likes to say, what's the real thing that's happening? The real thing is, I need to get out of here. Let's ignore the weirdness and just focus on that. Really?

Yes. So you want me to focus on the incredibly normal situation of trying to find the exact place. in an infinite multiverse to return you to. Yes. Just focus on that. It's impossible. I know. I could do it.

What? You could? Yeah. How? You know, I just... Go there. You just go there. Yeah.

What? The problem is she can't take anyone with her. Right. I can only travel by myself. But you can just go to exactly where Casper needs you to go. Sure. Okay.

Maybe if I can analyze where and your matrices you're able to navigate in space time, I don't know. X, what is this? What? This scroll thing. Oh, I needed to prove to mom that I could do what I do, and so I went and got a scroll from the library of Alexandria. Right, as one does, but X, what is this? It's a...

Hang on. You brought a thing with you. you. I brought a thing with me. You just said you're not able to do that. I'm not able to do that. How did you do that? How did I do that? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait. Are you reading my mind right now? Yes. Right? Yes. We were on the capital steps. I had just fought Clementine. I gave you a letter. And I delivered it to Terek. In medieval Jerusalem. Have I been able to take things with me the whole time? I don't know. Should we try it? I don't know. Hang on. Stop. What are we talking about?

I was able to travel with the scroll right now. Why don't I just tuck Casper under my arm and get out of here? Figabek ride. Hang on. This was easy. Hang on. I don't think you should do that. Well, why not? Casper isn't papyrus.

That's true. I can confirm I am not papyrus. But what does papyrus have to do with anything? It's an inanimate object. We can't ask it how it's feeling right now. seems to be fine. You're talking about subjecting a human mind to traveling through space, time, and dimension like you do. Yeah. You don't have a human mind. You don't know how hard it would be on him. It could scramble him entirely. I mean, he's traveled like that about a billion times. Just like you do? It's the exact same process? I don't know. Just because it's easy for you, doesn't mean it's going to be easy for him. Well, damn, Casper.

Why do you have to be so fragile? Like a Fabrege egg. This is something, though. There's something for us to work with. Hang on. Stand back, she's thinking. We'd need a vessel of some kind. If we could put him inside of some sort of protective bubbles, that might do it.

So imagine it like this. We build a transdimensional motor boat with X here as the outboard motor. That way, within the boat, the laws of reality stay the same, while everything changes around him. A motorboat. Got it. Cool. Let's do that. Let's build a motorboat. One problem.

Actually, several problems. What? I don't know what I'm doing. Theoretical physics isn't my field. I thought your magical crystalline stuff could become whatever you wanted it to be. Only if I know what the thing is. I don't know how to make something like this. and I'm not familiar enough with the concepts that surround it.

I'm sure there are people who are, but there's no way in hell I'd be able to explain this situation to them. Right. Okay. Let me ask you this. Does your company have a plane? So this is Utopia, huh? What is?

Right now. What? Uh, Utopia. Where? Oh, right here. Here? Yeah. In my office?

Oh, not. No, not here. Like, the world. The fuck are you talking about? Have you been keeping up on current events at all? I was supposed to be doing that. Hmm. No.

Single structure crystalline adaptive is what it's called. Oh. I read that paper. You did. Yeah. That was like 10 years ago. Well, it works. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Here it comes. And how is that utopia? Well, apparently it's going to eliminate energy scarcity, housing shortages, and, uh, that's scrolling down here. Oh, everything else. Everything else? Uh-huh. Huh.

What's everybody going to do? Well, I guess I'll just do the thing they want to do. I'm already doing the thing I want to do. Right. Me too. I guess we just keep doing that. And then also we won't need money. But I can already afford everything.

Wow. Academia really is disconnected from the real world, isn't it? I guess so. Wait, so people are just going to do whatever they want now? Yeah. Is that why there's been a spike in enrollment for the science college? Oh, yeah, there's been a mass exodus from the business school, apparently. Supply and demand is not really a thing anymore, and that's like their whole gig.

Huh. Wow. So what you're telling me is it's Utopia now. Here it is. And we have more students. So in Utopia, our jobs have gotten harder? Correct. So Utopia sucks then.

Looks like it, yeah. Yeah. Huh. Not so disconnected from the real word now, are me? Nope. Should we go celebrate? Have a few drinks before we have to go get fitted for our matching utopia jumpsuits. Well, now, you didn't tell me there'd be jumpsuits.

I think there will be. I'm warming up to it now. Belt it? Yeah, you tie the sleeves around your waist on hot days. Not that there will be any more hot days. Because Utopia. Right. Okay. I'm in. Me too. Can I help you?

Who's this guy? Hey, Marguerite's here. Yes, she is. Who are you? I'm Casper. Casper. Are you lost? So lost. Did you try asking my assistant for directions? Oh, there's nobody out there.

Utopia. What are you looking for, Casper? Nothing, actually. I need your help. Help with what? I need you to help me make a motorboat. What? Good evening.

Hello, David. How are you? I'm still here. How are you? I am also still here What have you got there? I have brought you dinner. Dinner.

David, all my nutrition is intravenous now. Yes, but Kazi is feeling better and she's having ideas. Oh, good. She's worried that if you go too long without solid food, your body will forget how to digest it. So what am I supposed to do now? She has created these nutrient-dense cubes. Cubs? Yes.

You're supposed to eat one per day. They don't look very appetizing. No, they don't. What do you suppose they taste like? Oh, I bet they taste real bad. Great. Set them over there? Bon Appetit.

David. How are you doing? I'm all right. Karaoke Night in the Mess Hall has been a big hit. we've got to get you down there. Okay. I'm thinking Mary J. Blige for you. David?

No more drama. David. I'm all right. He's coming back, David. I appreciate that. I really do. But there comes a point when you've got to look at everything for what it is. You've got to accept.

You've got to grow up. You know, my whole world is sound. I don't look up at the stars. I listen to them. When I see you, I'm only seeing the sound that echoes around you. I notice things that other people don't. Things like what? When I rejoined the diner after all those years, something was different.

The sound it makes. You'd barely notice it, but I could hear it. No, I could swear I was hearing something. Play Broad Analysis X1. Hear it? I don't know. Strip primary layer. What is that?

Isolate thread one and de-interlace. That's a kitchen. Gloria. Isolate thread two and de-interlace. The muckle wanes. Isolate thread three and compress. What is that? That's a tough one.

That is the radio signature for Sagittarius A star, a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way. Ava! Isolate thread four, decompress, and invert. Laif sings the song to himself sometimes. That's right. And then finally, isolate final thread, amplify, and compress. Oh my fucking God.

What does this mean? Return to full spread. They're a part of it now. It won't let them down. Tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness. And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for it.

We open at six. Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters, Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Sandalwood Mountain, East Coast Branch, Rinn, Christy the Chaos Coordinator, Luna Anzul, Joshua Baker, Grant Blackburn, Charles Starkey, Dragon, Silent Jay, Gio, Goose's Little Brother, A.K.A. Buzz Baleb, Blunderer, Blunderer, Carl Starkey, Dragon, Silent J, Gio, Goose's Little Brother, aka Buzz Baleb Blunderer of the benefactor's Buns. K. Mann, Mimosa, David O'Banyan, Polder Green, Zuzu Myers, Carmen L. 7. Live on the under signal, flat dug with the weather. Logan Shepard, Dizzy Mist Lizzie, mostly harmless alien, Kayla Schum.

Right behind you, Gonzalo Martins, world's largest ball of string. Bucky Chipmunk reminds you that you lost the game. Rich Mays. Samuel Lefue. Hesthadeneprotham, flashcards, A&K, Nicole Dyke, arresting place for weary beans, Shane Hopkins, Juniperb with the backwards knees, even the between hour, two-faced Janice. Zezmaldo, the original penguin, slight burn, Scooter, worshipper of the seven cat gods, Kelsey Manette, Amethus Dragon with Tiger Eyes, Martell McKinney, Spitboy the Spit Guy, he spits, Ice Queen, Laser Girl and the Nurse, Where Are Our Oars? Catty B, Andrea Williams, go ask Alice, Wes Kester saves the world, Vailen's three cats stacked atop each other wielding a plasma gun. Jeffrey, purple-nerple nullifier. Scam likely, oops, wrong podcast. Reapers passed late indeed again.

Rex Cricket and Frankie. Brigitte. Spadius. Squitty. The Frost Hunt Scientific Collective. Two of us have PhDs and the third has memorized all of Ava's dialogue. APO, Cartman Scooter, Z-Z-Nine-Purral Z-Alphin, Robin Smith, 11-letter Christopher, Ronald Lee Parker. Suss-squatch.

Antonio Ortiz, a block of ice, Maritsa Andrade, mailman that hates your tiny mailbox, Ren the Crescent, Erica Davis, Jane Doe, John Gormanshire, Lord Dres, Solaris Nova, Sandlewood Mountain North, Cryptic Amorphus, about 45 degrees, Mandy, Big Cat Makes Kitten Go Pur, Ted, Ted and Teddy, Bethany, who showed up late to the war and decided to eat pine cones with the mungo. Michelle, Parker Berry, don't actually say this part of my name, just say my name, please. Dr. L. Your Jamaican fan says Waguan. Raptors in the kitchen. People died.

Tula Blue and 142 Bougaloo. Pistol Pete and Death Lotion. Intergalactic transdimensional burger pirate. Ace Spades. Debbie Trencher. That one dude who likes tacos. Mark, you got to contact us about your username, man. I'm not saying all that.

The male escort. Lady Bethany, aka Mrs. Turkey Spit. Steve, Junior Barting, the father of Lucas. Eva Maddox's Ashtray. Adorbees. Vera Torkelson. Bones, Lizard Breath, and the Snot Rocket would love a Space Burger. Andrea Rose. Samantha Orum. E. Miler. Caden Suda. Bat loves dragon. Tommy Johnson. Unhip

Furn. David Sosa. Noodles by Godzilla. Ralph Capone. Corey 83. Blues. Liz wants Laif to build her a plane. Dude named Blake. John Caleb Williams. Deuce Lexia. Yontalius. Kian. An eel exchange student from Midsd. Dapperty last name. Ratrick. Ricklin, like rich land, but without the Dyer. All Bethadies must do the hustle. Brad Sturrock. Natasha without Boris. Frost and Pallas, Lobster possum, Known, Coyote Mike is on the run from the Bethanies and is looking for the resistance. Not a who, but a what archivist? A mostly morose ghost eating toast. Hey, Leander, love you kiddo. Mallort Boy, Jinks the Cat would like to offer you biscuits. Have a zesty-day. Megan, Malcolm Edwards, spend my money irresponsibly. Stephen Drop. Dana Thannielson, son of Dana Thaneal or Danny for short.

Chris Eaton. Cross Stitcher Who loves the hobby and time travel. Funch Brunklin. Nash likes apples. New Ord Flander says Mary Dicebloat, Bergerinos. Numetic Yeti, late trucker, the Eldred Scyphazoa, Watt Fryhover, Paul, James Bell, Dave Davison, Broom goddess, Theodore and the Sons of Ted, Riggie Burnett, That New Guy, Amziety, De Savage Indian, Radboy, Hayden Brown, Gray Craniac, Jules, J. Rowe's Weeks, Calf, The Generous Patient Rose, John Wilkes Booth's Freedom-Loverose, A.K.A. J. Willickers. Mr. Ratskert, the Emo Sigma Lightworker. Neckbone, his Imperial Dudeness. Oh, hey, it's Jay. Lou the Ghost. Cinder and Beast of the Maze are in the deep freeze. Grim, off the internet wants Harriet Harriet

Harriet 7-107, Rich Francis, Burger Kaspasbaugh, no relation, Jedi Shaolin, Smart Alec the Great, gas station crypted. Elsewhere in the multiverse, Shane drives an infinite loop through the Baldwin Hills and he's avoiding the oilfield murder house. Deuce Kashk. Bird, bird, the birds bird's bird, cheesy Mcfish, Papa Goose, sometimes I do feel like a plastic bag, a very spicy. Wallywlerce, Amanda Bills, Misty Wordpower, Casper's Danish Moose, Flacco, aka Johnny R. The Disco Spider, Wains against Ted, Vicky A Bear, Pike Daniels, the Cosmic Whale, Zanzatsu, Mr. and Mrs. Van Limberlost, Murdoch, Wham, Caterpillar Farmer. Joe Fisher's sexy, sick voice will not deter the Monte Christo Peace Committee from investigating his Bethany War Crimes. Chimera, Don Moat, the Space Trucker Chadwick Conan Doyle III, Jody Green, Nix Minx, Monster Senshi, Heather needs a divorce.

Michael Peters, political knitter. Seasonal Sasquatch silently seeks secret society, so special souls softly sing sweet songs, smartly stirring strong stories. Physicist. Brendan Shoneman. I divided by zero and now I am undefedified. Laif, the horse is here.

Mag Trimmer, Rod Stewart, the Sailor Slayer. James We Met, the listless enjoyer. Emily Catterton, Ash Morningstar, and her traveling animal shelter. Miss Maxine, Error 404, patron not found. Quantum Dozer. Boy got them honka-hunkered. Kevin O'Malley, Invisible Garilla, The Mrs. Poland. Zemaniac, Lord Axton shares the realm with Lady Sparkle.

Hop loves a thugbot named Francis, Pam the Infinite, and thou, revolutionary inclined Oscelot, Matt Howler, Andrew Bear, Marius de Joa, Butterfly Fox, Riot the Trani, Congregation of Alligators wearing groucho glasses, Irma the Lama, 27, Keep It Tight, Chip, Gloria's right-hand Jack in the Boxman, Giordin, Grim. Grim Knight, Pike Daniels the Whale, Cal and Thoselese Bethany Maximus Lord of Kingwood, Texas, Ragnar Jensen, Addison Weirdo Wagner, Shua the Druid is composting the rich for a salad bar, Aramand 0305, Laf is my role model, Jim Weathers, Titus Koslov, ashes of a burnt-out Laf, I'm a kung fu panda on the wind. Brandon, A.R. aka Thor, wants to say, I love you all because he first loved us. Also, Laboza's voice is so very beautiful. The intergalactic house of cats demand a free Palestine, Electromancer, Chekhov's Space Cannon, Corey Senses, Surf and Turf Telecoms, I'm A Jin, Red and Dusty with his Garden Goddess, Kobe's Dingleberry, Mystic Monster for Chaos,

Ziggy Dreadful, Rave Hans Malley, G-Wing, Frank One, Figgie Alwishus, and the Unimunis featuring Milo Capa Kaiju. I'm just here to refill the Parmesan cheese, it is Sparks, Fugnut, formerly damn scrub, Lost Girl Lou, Christopher Byram, Middle American Penguin, Shana Welch, Crochet Cosmos, Cookie Chunks, You Hear? Andy and the Solistial Penguin, Bunny Homan, Laf's Bathrobe, Misty Lovebug, Bo Nunley, Arianna Castillo, the Eurasian Goss Hawk that portends great change, Lita Mettinger, Marco, Lethargic God, Friend, as in Your Best, Lime Ghost, M, Icky Blurds, J. The Erascible, The Magic Committee, Committee of Anything Magical, Enoch, E. E. Inful, Uneducated Swine, Learning to Swing Dance.

Nova the Fuck accountant. One Intercollactic Year with Big Potato 99, aka A. Rattley, A.K. A.K. A.K. 47. Kai. Just a little guy. Ender Wright. Mark Naza Warritz. Zinia The Capture of Light. Mucklewang. Duncan Albert. Theoretical chemist. Xavier Dasher. Chris loves to read. Katie Machalic. Greg Andrews Lyons. In memory of Jason Rice. Get your butt fingered. That girl Gracie. Magnus von Caffinheim. Saucy little beast. Andrew Height. Longtime Lurker. Scooter. The unlucky son. Jennifer Myers. Lady Lazarus. Anazi. Lord of Stories. Tom. Donnie. Donnie Darco. Tom. Shen, Caitlin and C.T.'s never-ending podcast adventures, Whisper Dan,

Keo the Panda Puppie Forklift Operator, Ruby Cherries, Nick Vey, Buttholen, Jason and Andy Triplett, Jen Sins, Penn Penn, Ring to the Motas, The Leathermans, Lukewarm Fart, Odd Commodity, Gen Before, Ander Ho. Aren't you a bit old to be making podcasts? Earth Witch, Leah Prime, Gregory Santoro, Motham, Not the Fuckyed Chicken, Robert Drapiza, Dimension Spanning Time Traveling Little Guy, Eono, Jonathan Tolbert, Mr. Puttano, Hedgehog Hen, Jackson Bell, Katie Chambers, Jay the podcast lover, Dick Rickles, Chapter President, damn glad to meet you, Malcolm Flynn, Samuel Lee, Josatron Prime, Oh my God, I forgot to change my name from Nicholas Beckler to something more cheeky and fun. Arwin the Freer, Throat Goat 666, I Am Your Father, Addie Slosson, Inconceivable Kai, Red Rum 916, Nick Waycaster, Gotham still fucked up,

Batman really ain't doing shit when you think about it, no good monk, rye, yes, like the bread, Sarmad Sayed, three pandas and a trench coat named Bethany, Donald Grimbus, Matt Knight Bouchager, Gavin Mory, Dammitri, Andromeda, Stephen the Choi, Gloria's authentic earth coffee. Gabriel T, can someone find me the Parmesan? The treasure trove of troublesome trolls. You call her Bethany, I call her headfiny. Cookie Nebu, Axel Zapata, Siona the Goblin is bringing Leaf a Laserspoon,

Jason McDonald, Orionda, Bean Dino, Philip Lennox, Hugh J.2, Brian Montgomery, Artemis Record, Safa Aluzie, Trev Brax, Gunner Tweedle, The Bard, Without a Ballot or Mallet, Nazzo, platform jail mechanism burn museum theorist, hold please, Kekiyahu, Impra squishy Face of Greater Katopia, Anna Garcia, Goblin King, Rays of Nope, Kiki's best friend would like to go to breakfast, Bubber Duckel, Yeager Luce, Terry Cads, Laif Tracks, The Rise of Laif, Chapter 1, Loaf Tracks, The Prodigal Elym, Catalyst for Chaos, Sculliver, Sam and Shane, Asoka Likes, Going anonymous. V. Ma Dukes.

U.S. Marshal Stacy. Ooh, chickadee. Dango Dale. Esty, not the website. At every moment in every corner of every possible world, there is always a way home and it's already found you.

Jiao Paulo Lemos. Odd keep the sentient lighthouse, the faceless old Bethany who secretly lives in your home. Dishane. Tanya Fischer. Appalach and Death Queen. Zosifer Dogo of Doom.

Burnt Barbecue Beef Briscuit. It's official. They're called Thagronies. Kevin Winen. Marlon C. Just whelmed. Madame Paris. Cherish Hellfire's

Hellish Chairfire. Lycan Lady, Midnight Club, Cameron Agnesee West, Knox, Lisa Lou, Emmett Hale, the triads baddest goblin, Emery and Lano, James Miles, Brown Coats Love the Diner, House Chaos and the Critter Cacophony, Max, Nia and Ivans, Sixth, Sick, Sick, Nope, Nevermind, it's Mark. Mignon Simone Meeby Davis, Mr. and Mrs. Ronald and Misty Don Mitchell, Jr., Gaya Turtle, Wayne Barahona, Jesse the Dragon Rider, We Will Not Rest until Puerto Rico and Pallisterner Free, Pluto Crow, Nessie's mom, Pocate Splort, Whiskey Rebellion and Gen Retrielle, Zephyrith, Zephyritha, Rhytriot, Yonautry-Muchy, Jona is Gay, the Midnight Ashes, Hornetti, Vali and Fair the Night of Silver Flames, Hood's Pocket Protector,

listening to Ava Singh poisoning pigeons in the park made my shitty day instantly better. Valky Storm, Patricia Who's Always Late, but somehow on time, D.C. Squirrel, Honey Cooper, Kyle the Interstellar Highwayman, The L'EACT on the Verge. Gail Friend, Rubber Cake. Clover the Clown, the Sparky Tarka Gator, Ringleader Volt, Jazz Punker, Captain Tight Pants, the Companion, Agent Night Breakfast, Bratti for Mission Control,

Renee N, Catarina de la Playa, RIPE, EOES Waffles, The Floufringler, Aki the Space Druid, Phantom Land T-T-RPG-Gy-Gyce, CuriouserK-Eight, Roxanne, Ash Montgomery, the Boggiest of Birches, Jason, HVAC Tech for the Diner's Deep Freeze, SK Phoenix, the Gamer Err, Zephyr, error. Zephyr the Weffer Montgomery Foxworth. Maryface, Luan Cherry, peppermint Pearl, the interdimensional space and tea time witch. Nicole 6-4, Amara Salazar, Banjo Buscolo, full beans, glorious forgotten Ford Festiva, Brandon Wright, night breakfast at the midnight

cauldron, force for good-ish, Mark Scott, Rosie Mum, the Judah, Slater Morales, Intergalactic Frylord, Gravity's Optional, but Fries aren't, C.J's Big Barbecue Bistro for Bethanies, Angel Vasquez, Evil the Cat, Stephen Raymer, Jayarp Fishman, The Great Goblino, low oxygen, Save the Mungos, Joji the Birdwatcher, a flock of gray horses from the top of a sycamore, lilac morcella, Rachel Krempa, with special thanks to my best friend Lizzie and my husband, Steve, don't worry about the order, honey. Temporal Hashbrown, Diane Brown, Dr. Flog, Captain No Sleep, the Slim Reaper,

Ruben Eden, Smedley Peas Nodgrass the Third, but please, pause two to three seconds, then say, call me Smedy, the Shreveport Bohannans, Cici the Umbrellae, Bradbury's Sasquatch, loads Chekhov's gun, and rides to join Bethany's army. Dinn, Cosmic Catchup, Lack of Lifestyle, August the Schmogist, and Hossfest, Mousy, Hood's Pocket Gear and Sprocket Local Repair Cafe, Crafty Introvert, The Postmaster General Kwan sent me, Mad Mad Mad Max Maggian, Nitwit 14, roiled way too harshly, DJ Johnny B, the Klopman Diamond, Marco Montano, no longer doing a bit, shiny fields, Adam Tacheck, Christopher Wendell, Unproductive Banana, Pulcifer the Paulist of Paulism, Zombie Spider-Man,

The Sorcerer Sanguin says Brain Demons is an anagram of Brandon is me. Bex 823. Auntie Crypted. Barry Heap. Gas Mask Penguin. In the hot seat. Mime Ninja's Ninja Mime. Master Uguet.

Barry. Dillius Dallying. Podcast Junkie. Futilese screaming at the ocean. Fox Hatlin. Dylan Corroney. Pedro Vibresto. Slyder.

Malachi. Julian Rhodes. Maple Emily. The gayest library janitor in Indiana. The new kitten's name is Laif and this time he's not a girl. Physic the Good Bush, definitely not one of the bad. Bud Bush's funding rebel Bethany's to overthrow the duly elected Bethany's

non-binary. Vapis Tens Big Black Gaping Hole. The planet Gubrius wants to know if Croc is a crocodile or a proper gator. Bruce. Jessica Gygoma. Toracle. Jenny the Bear. Ager. Bellringer, Sardine Thorne, Treech? Josie Jones. Mr. Fibble is very cross. Hote potato. Dr. Mojo postulates the end list, endlessly splintering off as Bethany and Burtbert's caboose until its end lists all the way down. Dave and Buster's server manager ready to serve all the Bethany's of Monte Cristo. Blind time traveler convention date. L.A. Woman, the Phoenix Rising.

New name? God. No, not him. Jeff Andrew? Jeff Andrew. Miss Luan, a British woman with cute dogs. Cup of noodles. Shmizzy Two Shoes. Luna Nova.

Nicholas Griffith. Matt Grigsby. Justin Smallon. Riku 31. Craig Dundee. New type without a Gundam. Astral C. Ickle Me Pickle Me Too.

Which Loud the Cartoonist. Guy with the chops. Sam. Mitchell Ye. Bagel knife. Imelda and Scott. Courtney Cochran, Lily Starling, Ryan Kay, Devin 7777 has been my favorite verbal stem for months. Nate, Forklift lifts forks forklift, Vance M, Chip, Radio Free Reelia, Violin' Lov's Middy, Brian Passley, Subawasa, Grenna, Pistonwhip, Captain Ducky, Blitz Bell, Old Man Dagwood.

Our overhead is way too high with all of these names, and please make sure to turn in all your receipts. Love Josh from accounting. Satzuma, Silius Goh-Succe, Dr. Jones, Icey Axe, Coach Shane of Toad Succ Central, Go Cranes, Sky, Sky, Hull Arthur, Lego Cuisant, Cassad, Norman Murgler. You've all been assigned to write a four-page essay on your favorite arthropod. It will be 50% of your grade. Joe Kappa. We be chopping broccoli.

Icey fish, the hacker known as Ivy DeBurb. Blue Tune. A feisty-ass chickadee. Poultry landmine. A scrappy poet. Jenny the Crypted Paladin. Maverick Artist. Shit, it was a mimic.

Basil in their tea, waiting to gossip with David. Ainsliehlee, Ye, Ye, Ye, Ye, E. Anchor, A-T-B, Kiwi-Lovely Beed. Zoe. Professor Freda. Dr. Professor Reverend Bethany-Wethany-Lethany-Wuffy McFuffenberger, MD Ph.D. Esquire, and that's not pretentious at all, cough, cough, is looking for a cure to the Bethany mutation that the Society of Bethanyes began the war with so many years ago. Michelle Spurgeon, Jack the Sleepy, Garrett Henderson, quote, still trapped, but I've stopped asking why. The freezer is, I am, we chill. Son of Defarge, Wisco Teach, Scott A. Snellgrove, give peas a chance. Samma Ding-Dong. Behold, Lely Sarah Per Whiskervail, Countess of Wood Hollow, Mistress of the Whisper,

pines and beloved by all creatures small and opinionated. Ricardo Galamba, Cari's crafty cloaking devices LLC, hashtag we weave em of Gossamer. Penny the Wonder Dog and Bucky Von Buckbuck, Cherry Appleby, medium rare extra toasted bun, saucy Caesar, belt, Aspen as a Verge fanboy, Mick J-67, Ava's favorite My Little Pony Pencil wants Joe to slap into a snim gym. Is this thing recording? Mr. and Mrs. Drifter, representative of the Alaska Midnight Burger tummy time chapter. Nathaniel Lee Industries.

Sir Dreadmore Spieba is wondering if Bethany likes night breakfast. Lord entropy. Bach-Bocke, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, the Faye Wanderer, everybody's favorite clowns, splotchy, pinstrike algorithm, Psycho Queen, Kosher Steak. For the last time, it's Gabriel Strife. Don't Tavrook Stormbringer, me, Joe. Florida.

Alyssa's shiny pants. Gondor calls for aid. Muscles for Tits. Arnold Rumspringer, the demise of the Temple of Bethany's. Alan Bergland says, Hi Mom. Kitty McSull. Raven Stromdan's hapless novelist passenger

of the dimensionally impermanent and temporally incontinent incontinent bookshop cafe the wild-eyed prophet tessa craig perfectly personalized disaster jim turner lux luminos havie de nero big chunk good deeds sasha the being of chaos was not involved in the bethany crisis will the real moadie please stand up gillian c udon 96 benjamin not franklin tracy baby leah is that the chris hancock who traded weekly soup for the use of my kitchen table a singular night bird bethany reading in a green field i am the lizard frantically firing flachette guns a e i o you why N. W. Bumble Faye, Mr. Epsilon, The Mothman, Long-Haired Matt, DJ, Lenny Harris, Robert W. Wreelze, Breelezeab, Cresamira, Jessa L'A Rhin, May Day Hoops. The Bean Wizard!

Myth and Stitche-Moorys, Loolew, Loo-Lewes, Duleo, The Brewing, Your Most Benevolent Lord and Master of the Multiverse, Jeffrey George, Exquisite Whimsie, Ellie, Don't tariff me, bro, Oop-Elein, The Wizard Mooses Holds Out Their Cat for You to Pet, Grimlor, Existential Pancakes, Gianniwa-Boom, Errant Popsicle Stick, M. Horowitz, Isle of Refuge, Jack Spider's mom, Bubble Butt Bethany has banana breath, Lama fresh, Jair the Benevolent Destroyer, Valtiel Heller, Revin the Redbeard Wizard,

Bert Bert Bert and the Funky Bunch, Carrora the 12th, Bethany 2, Electric Bugaloo, welcome to the Kwan pound. Pen, pen, pen, pen, pen, pen. If Mr. Mucacho, Kaiser Schnitzel caught an owl after dark, would he be a midnight birder? The wolves in the deep freeze say, Ah, woo! Julie Hammond, Sanctuary Moon's number two fans,

Simpson, Alice Lewis, Simply Amy Sue. I pushed her because Joe said so. Even older Liz, McBearcat, Grak Pinfeather, Citigan Druidic scientist. Astro, your friendly neighborhood, Android, Moonlight Zombie Fox, Old Doc Recy, the Midnight Missionary out there somewhere looking for you. Rot and Ronnie sleeps in Grandma panties. Skolwunky! Artist Dragonborn, Bigby Garage, Bill Zangana Lester, Joaquin Jimenez, Big MF Juice, the SIP, muffins, spacewives are officially Verge and Diedra. Chad Hatter cosmic tea maker of the Triads. Captain Jack Harkness wants Peter the Robot.

Tell your cat, I said, Psspspspsps, Pse, Banana Manaz, a corgi cold kibble, Cudley Crackin, Axel Light. Sarge the Bard, Comenity, Rielthan, L.L. Cool Mint Jams, Travis Robertec, the other original Caitlin, Kendiadi, Celestiani,

the jaded umbra gets slightly less jaded as peace once again returns to the land. Leah Izadi, Milly was taken, Dead to Me 86, B. Camp. Shan Man, Man, Man, Karma Karma Camillion. Kinran is chilling at a moon base. Zoe and her army of mice.

Breyer Long Lost. Daniel. Sammy the baby seal. Trixiebel Dubois. Dr. Budiologist, the glutes doctor. The Hood's Pocket Library reminds you not to overdo it. Thank you for pressing two. Your Anglophone Emotional Support Canadian request will be processed in the order in which it was received. Queen Sirly Jess.

R. IP Lance McLean. You would have loved Midnight Burger. Adam Toclov, Dr. Bichraft. Sassy Cat the Space Vixen. Claire Rock. Jekka. Erros to God. the size two fish you've been looking for.

E.okai. Borgia. Spiders are cuddly. The main immortal thinks it should be Ken Dadios. Cheel. Neal. Sin City Scuba Steve, Polywag. Macaela White. Elena Pickle. Wilbur Winklewright, wristwatch wrangler of West Worcestershire finally spots Red Nell as the Carnage clears.

Professor Thaddeus Snookams the 8th. Mr. Grin. Clint Petrovsky. This moment of silence so Joe can catch his breath is brought to you by Rick Tyler. Elizabeth Hammond. Cheap con, the real Cheap con, coming to you from the frozen Midwest wasteland. except no imitations. Steam Vision, conductor of the interdimensional time-spending hype train.

Dave Harold, Wisecube, Dirty Diaper Fussbutt and the Piggy Runt. Bro-Mine, pronounced bro, mine. Maine, Hobdinga, Mother of Pearl, Fiona now owns Laif's 18-inch Peter, seal-face, rigor mortis, Megan's things, things Megan makes. Coy Lane, Trebex Reject, Prophet of the God of the Mucklewains, Darth Ox, Michelle Kaye comes in peace, Aaron Arnold, Booyo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-y-o-o- As in Boingy. Mamamander B-Raws and Sluntmaster J. Alpacalypse. I'll take one butter and brie on rye, please.

Elliot Paints, Undead Akira, the Lord Reverend, Ryan. Thomas' 10 Tenebristan stafel tippers treading treacherously tantamount to telling totalitarian trope termination tales. The lovely Laura Lovely. Kith Gamge, Sam Wise's Flamen Cousin' Cousin. Darile. Jeremy the ruler, Goochee, Charles Robert Darwin the Third Esquire Ph.D. Jacob Mitchell, swooning for Verge, Zeke in the box, Stevie Crowhill. Jack from John, The Adventures of Magpie and Brown Bear, Scrubs, Becky, just some guy from Adelaide named Ryan, Remy, the Panda Crew, Melody Prime, Beardow the Wizard, Captain Benjamin Hawkeye Pierce, the German short hair pointer from Nashville, wants to tell his mom Maddie that he says,

Hoof, Whiskered, any two hands for the double high-five, Marissa the Ghost, local snowplows in your area are dying to meet you. Brotherford Beachesterfield, Miss Dapper Companion Winchester, Cheshire Corgi, Stray Cat, Old Kelsey No Shoes, Zoldia, Dizzy Flings, We serve everyone eventually. Sasha, Beth and Alan Van Gillis, Langston North, Sly Fox, aka Brere Rabbit, Pan Starts Champion, The Constantly Lost Geographer, Timothy Aiotis, Chance wants you to know, he cares. Wolf Stark, Elliot, Hobbs de Co., Natalie Bartlett, Rory of Yin, Mooby the Golden Caf, Giovanni Salinas, Rocky G, Perry the Pirate, Aaron Elizabeth. K. Narcotics, Solomon Price, A daydream you won't escape. Bubba 485, aka Shemelbach the Christmas Whale, Kaiju Summli,

Stella Corvus, Jesus Garcia, J.P. the IT guy, Candyman Fight. John Peters, you know, the farmer? Barkley on the holodeck, dapper dad, SCP-049, O Magis, Raven the Dreamer, TK Turtle King, Mike M, space-based lasers, Captain B and Lady G with their swabs, Marla, Madam Lotus, still especially loves Finley, Mr. Steamwave. My friend the Rhino reminds you it takes strength to be gentle and kind. Hoop Challenge Dream Founder, I'm your Huckleberry. Elizabeth T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. hamster and her dear darling Duke, Grandpa Gus, boombastical Kim Licker, Coco Yumi took her painted ponies to a show and won three awards. Hugamuffin, Bigfoot of Doom, D.L., Annie Atkins, Crandyman the Pug Whisperer, Wharf Whisperer,

The Rowe, Our Cat said to tell you, meow, your boy of indeterminate origin, Benjamin Ortiz, Mr. Frog President, Pop Rock Quicksand, It's the Benny Yappers Benny Yapin' Birthday, almost. Mr. Squizzle, Whizzle, the horrendous, apologizes for conspiring in the Bethany War, invites for tea, or being sent now. Abanaso, Mr. Rage, Adelor, Transpace Dinosaur, Spooky Spader Storytime, William Kent, Andy, the McJimmies from your local dimension, Xavier Killingsworth, Lane Kiffin is a ho, Mimetic Hygienist, Rogue Art, Aaron Star Joshua, and Sentinel of the Star System, Claude to Clause, Spunky Dan, Rachel Seymour, Chis Alfridge, the Bullheaded Professor, Ed Boy, Ryan Finnelli, Jonathan K, Pearl Null, Another Monster, Pettabyte Avatar, Tugwin the Mighty, Project Octopus,

Ken, Chibs 1-012, Scotty Oates, Byrotron 95, happy 13th birthday, Danny. Dance break. Speaku, the Bracken system and its home world, Ren, simply Tony. It will always be Finley's workhole to me, if you know, you know. Gabriel Castion. Whom, what, when, where, and why is what all Fagroni say while listening to Midnight Burger. Nico de Gaio goes great on Midnight Burgers. A drum major and a trapeze artist walk into Connie's bar.

retorted, sir party animal, Beiro the motherfucking dragon of the Shreveport, the motherfucking dragons. Uloid Jackal. Are you sure, Mike Rob, the Nancy Sinatra? Court need to leave it alone if you want to live. Must be a witch. Cat with a K.

Mitha Groney has a first name. Stomensignal Mustachio, Lukiver Hesichael, La Chihuahua Brava, Adeline Petz, C.C. Carousel, Corth the Destroyer, Honest Puck. Casper's Mom's a Milt.

Scout and Fox Glove says, The floor is lava. Red Nell, hiding in a crowd of to avoid capture by Wiley Wilbur Winklewright, wristwatch wrangler of West Worcestershire, Kurtomsky, Craig Armstrong, Plastic Fork, Dulce Studios presents, Under the Truskin Sun. Get out of my booth. Bug. Propagator, I hardly know her.

Sad, Angry Crab Man, Chuck McFenley, Effie and Zebulon's trans great-granddaughter, Hazel Hayes, Velocity Girl 42, Little Dragon and a Cauldron of Bats, Ben Carlisle, Flat Steve's Love for Grand The Grand Theft, Anna Kearney, Crashly Strange Lilia, the four schnauzers of the Apocalypse, Starblaze Burnbright, Imzukioki, spotted rhino and her hand-me-down frogs, Red Mafia Panda, Lonely Isle, Kai Dello headphones, Hinkle, Pikeman Stover, Foyn rides again with Nova the Space Pirate, Tevin Long Blades Short Sword, Forget Normal. Oh, damn! C.J. Johnson, a dragon sitting on its hoard of dice, Wendell Whitaker, Chumbo Wombo,

Ficich, Bluebed Roulette, Andrew Fuller, Bon Mee Hong, the Soupwich, Fetachianneux, Hans Bethany's, Pebbles, VV, Effie Rawlings, Megan Hazen, Philip, Your Dad is Not Your Dad, Nick Borrow, Midnight Plummer. His Royal Highness, Mr. Hamilton Underfoot Kitty the First, and accomplice, Princess Penelope, the Marchioness of Mischief and Maven of Mystery. Megan Gentry, Mr. Cherry, Our ass is in the jackpot. Tubby Teddy, Wayne Heiser, India Inkblot,

Slave of Bahamut, Omie Gracie, Dalton Jenkins, Kat Holtz, Calarton the Tired Night, The True Mega Mike, Fred and George, Lavinia, Ava Maddox Jr., Liza Wirth, Cass Williams, Christy, Yeet My Boy, 46 Toolshed 2, and El Marie Catastrophe, The Image Collector,

Blended Music, Definitely Not Kevin, Sitting squirrel, Patricia E. Melt missed everyone. A round of yarks on the house. Red the Grey, the Silver Crow, Couch Potato Alex, Neverchild, Dr. Nossos, Interdimensional Biologist, Kuboko Dunord, Lil Kev, Cosamine, Theoddrax, Joey B, Lucas Barting, Little Debbie Cupcake. Terran says, hey, Oreos are Rabbit. Sandlewood Mountain offers peace for your soul, whimsical fuckery, Megan with an H. Hey, it's warrantied lady. Look, I've been thinking, maybe it'd be best if we, you know, saw other people for a bit? I need more. Cachach the Lizard Wizard Castes Jelly Bones Mango Connoisseur, Briddie Bug and The Quirky Jester The Big Moose is loose About the Hoose, That old Glory Cole,

Janelle Miaoanea's Cat Butler, O'Sheen Lou, Alex Barry, Andrew Oakden, Asymmetrical Exile, Churro Cat the Sun God, Eliza Travels the Universe, Lindsay Bowen, the goddamn podcast lawyer, Alex Spence, Dr. D. Birdcloth, Spother, and Mrs. Dubbobtaway Birdcloth

Weather, want to say hello to the whole Spweather family. I lost my galaxy britches in a game of Panser. D'Arts, Angry Ron, Dominus Caesar, Durka Dub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, The Wild Thistle, Most Likely Cass, James Harlow is still sad about missing BurgerCon, Jasmine James, Dr. Cabarant, also known as Omni, Thanks, Waffle Chateau, Colorado Beekeeper, Fruitcake, Zephyr and the Witches Den, Zendria, Jennifer Colkins, Midday Burger, Don Parks, Throat Goat

666, Oh my God, My Dad Found Out About My Patreon Name, Princess Leia, Fish in a Bag, September, previously observed in the pattern, Prime Freak, Protector of the Scottish realm little lord steviepie droid pirate finley and his rubinesque parrot droid pirate finley and his rubinesque parrot stuck in a pit of skittles sea squatch deflater mouse tony piakarski adrian r the devil from table 12 haviere crazy thadley crumulus is just happy to be here the twisted twigster real housewives of siegius fake queen oop schnart the probability demolition expert showtime day for my mother cc t x girl 6823 waiting on the diner, Nicole Studioso. Security alert. Sign my shovel inside campus perimeter. Kay the Flying Penguin would like everyone to know that penguins are not native to Greenland. No, not even the

flying ones. Truck Stop Sandwich, Indigo Escargo, Love My Captain, Joe Mauma, Wandering Biscuit, Ames Affection for Internet Protection, Retro MG, NightScript, Widget the World Watcher wearing a waistcoat and wig, Donald Schingler, Justin Wiley, Daniel Stavey, T.U. Luther. not to be confused with oopsie. Two Daddy Jazz Hands from Mouse Toots. Racial Vasquez, Dan Gentry, Ron Hayden, the beloved yet borderline inappropriate empire of Dr. Thunderbutt and Lady Cristobel. Fridge Pickle. I hope something good happens to you today. Yes, you. Britt Littlefair, Michelle Myers, Glenn Morris, Lizard Lee, Rosemary Primmory, Anthony Lakey, Thomas Adams, Brett Zimmerman, Stephanie Boogh, Andrea Crowther, Luca Vichito, Bootskuten Dave, Naya Venturi, Ryan Abbey,

Michelle Hopper Kevin Dottry Martin Deers Entropy eigenbasis Robert Savat Dr. Spiller, Richard Ryan Moshell De Flower, Kelatirina Fall of the Berlin Wallaby Lauren Mayer Jake the Cook

Some days you're the beetle Some days you're the dung Josie Jones V Greenly Elijah Sharp Banana Banana La Nana

La Nana Utrid and Rose's Viking void vitals Fueling the intergalactic Fight against Fascism Yeah not sure what I'm doing River Brown Senior Deuce Scullacy, Warped Ryder, Tim Nacey, Ruben Clamzo, Turwin, Hugh the Mini Mungo, Morgan Brockman, Sylvie,

friendly neighborhood fire protection engineer, skull bulb, Dustin Watson, Betty White 813, Randy Supreme, and Queen Lancaster, The One True Cheap con, Starscribe, Lucian Thunderstruck. Oh, ma mama. Glorbnar 7, now granting refugee status to victims fleeing the Bethany Wars. Dooser now identifies as Roman Durge, the other Adele, Chef Gal Val, Leah Hall, Sarah May. Minsky Enterprises is excited to announce that Cone of Silence Consultants LLC has been named its exclusive provider of logistics services. Silly Willy Bubble Butt, Sierra Not from Arkansas, Zico, Ebenezer Boob, Caleb Tumiala, Jason Woods, Arnie Arbuckle Esquire, Digital Flou Lost in Time,

Potion Maestro, Nebulae, Regulators, Mound Up, Wandering Scholar, Cringle Over Coffee, Mad Yogi Eileen, A Cat Named M, Petito Pato, Palace, Big Mo, Demonic Nor. Marwall 8. I am Annie. I live forever in every moment I've existed. I swear to every star in the cosmos, I never forgot it was a gift. The Stone Fox. Tricia Schaefer says, ooh, David, that is not a taco. Salivia, Jucatan, Pepitos, Krakow, Hower, Henry the goose, Jennifer Baumer, Ninja Grim Reaper, Miles Nelson, I am a bomb till I think of something better to do. A burr-it-words. Hot-Shot-Huntley, Momos' Mama, Space Mormon says what? Ivy Paisley, Toast. Sue Watts, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution. Matlock,

Lord of the 13th Sea, Mr. Trigvy, printing with cats, Calisi Del Mar, Von Vega, Dixie Dina, 7,000 possums, Sarah Jack Sparrow Space Pony, Revibe, Debbie E, Emma, Mr. and Mrs. Owo, Dusty Ventures, and his pilot, Uzi, drifting through space, Ronnie Porter, Gloria's Line Cook, Eagle Rock Lobster, the Gabbyest Painter, and Her Bird of Fire, Wandering Wenjo, Painted Oni, Q Dell, Farrell, Emily with two E's, Spaceman Nathan,

Ramsey's Niblich the third, Kroplunk, Kroplunk, who's my thribble. Wavelet, Ye'oy Gagarin, D. Gritesler, a gremlin with the munchies, Michelle Scorakio, Genuine Jacob, Andy's Brain is Weird, Space Rooster Randy, Leopard Donut, Poofithang, Mellow Nuggets, Keychain Crap, Matt, Matt, Sharkman, Stealow, Bumbling Lilybee, a quick pause so Joe can sip from his tiny teacup. That's a little too late for tea. I don't have any herbal. I can't do herbal tea. Herbal tea, I don't know. It feels like brass. Feels like grass soup. Bufar D's nuts. Panda, Curtis Lellig, Kennedy Allison Farner, Tristan Stolles, Daly.

Y. Shadow Rapture. Yet another Nicole. Hank the Wonder Lama. Arcraft, Russell, Zephyrus Wend, the Ornament. J. To the Lynn. Just a regular fox. Jeremy Imson. What the hell? Cineplex. And all the black people in North Carolina. Just Rachel. Waffles, Waffles, Waffles. Danger girl. Atlas Bear. Patty the Ginger. Ava cigarette ash. Hugh Biffedit. A-Zus. Anaphylaxis. Scav with Comtacks. The shape-shifting sad girl and her girlfriend say, Joe, you've done it again. Piplaskin and De Pippie Pond. Sarah Nicole. The Kells's Fights with the Bethany's, Angry Leafs Lasersaw, Magnus Aerochill, Amy Perry, Christopher Kai, Sourst Decay, Descendant of the Spweather Catfish Whisperer, Vagabond Mary, Randy's Amigo, Bold Mouse,

Katie Mermaid and the delinquent duo, Norman, Nicole, Victor Schauberger reincarnated as White Mountain Hillbilly Glitter Cupcake, Max Danger's Security Chief Shatsy, The Anx Peach, T. Michelle and Billy, Nea Nix Reno, Frankinator, Nortle Bash, Jordan, Arwenoxe Rian Rosensky, average height, medium rage, audio monkey, Joe, team Hefevison, Monica and Mason K. In the mysterious AZHQ, I'll grant you that we have a multiplicity of mics, a jumble of James's, a trifecta of Tonys, one of whom still wants to be Laif, but sadly, no Bethany's. Rowan, Lady of the Black and Herald of the Stars, Ariane can't manage normal, Ryan Burnett, the joyful nihilist, Dr. Dr. B., Zopres and the Bumble Army, growing into my farmboots.

Superbeth becomes an RN, alongside by Bootsup Friend. Geneva Boss, Arcanzan, not Arkansas, brothers of the cosign, uncivil gnomes, the rat queen Evelyn, Great Lunch Conversation, Captain Scott, Lettie Lou. He was a shifty one that Nick Howard. Kinger was here, Bobby Ray Winland Jr., B-Babuduwap, Warped Echoes, Slabs Big Terps, Mr. Boston Leather, 2003, Jeremiah Franco, Justin the Nick of Time, Gothic Rainbow,

So We Made It, Cody McClure, McCadley, Eternal Companion, Maxine Lazott, Jingalos, heiress, goddess of nobody, has Matilda, Ditsy Bay, just your average Reese, Kyle Church, I am a laf on the wind, static ego, some fucking swamp wizard, Lolly, Evan M. Dobson, Dave B, Nabi, your friendly neighborhood pathologists, going to be lit, Captain Emerald L, Wayne Hall, Danny Mars, externally screaming, but Bethany, I made biscuits, skibo, and fuzzle Macbumpurnits. Neelix Tiny Wolf, Asher the Raven, Christina Sanit is teleporting, BRB. The shanes are not organized enough for a war, but there is a growing number of us, and it is concerning. Definitely not an android. Seriously, I'm not.

The Wondering Welshman, Whatever Tabby, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Capo the Sartorius, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, BLTN, the Kiwi-L-TUKUK-N, The Kiwi-WPhoek-E-WPhoek-E-WPhoek-E-WFFEN, Dadin-A-WRee-W-E-W-E-W-E-Pew, DECE-E-E-E-W-E-W-E-W-E. Pocket Ghost Max. Mag's the Conqueror. Wes and Heather. Wonder if Derek Dare will join. My cat's name is beef. Katie Kate. Get your colonoscopy. Victor Casados. Emily Schmememily. Work for Melvis. Boho. Go bye-bye for Jojo Pogo. That's a no-go, bro. Cody Monster. Collided Mind. Miss Dixie. Baby Baten Lee. Charlie Roodle. Kyle Perino. A.K. Sid the Sloth and a bike. Prya Gondy. The Wondering Mermaid would like you to know that the Little Mermaid and the Creature from the Black Lagoon are the same exact story. Little Stevie Pie. Green Mountain Hermit. Death.

stew. Two polar cat is officially on estrogen. Carl, the teller of dad jokes. Skylab's multidimensional, multifasic intergalactic quantum cyberverse. Verde Sol. Gaelin Miller, Tess, geriatric youngen, mystic hippie, unforkeable, local marsh hag, Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacons, Pyro's Calling, Joe Swayian, the wizard's supercalifragilistic expialadocious, and introducing Risi Pontiff as the 35th Doctor. Too many Jans! Pamela Rose El Tierra, then Stina says, Thud Tweed, Enigmatic Catbird, Countess of Carbon, Slippy the Squirrel, Slippy The Squirrel, luminous elk, Rodian caution, love is for the Nierds. Taz Hernandez, Captain Crash and the surviving crew, it's just Tyson now. Casper needs all the hugs, but Joe needs an O2 tank. Quote says,

Joe is the writer's room, upward heretic, Devin 777, Troy Aker, Mandy Kane, Northerly Kay, Lost Basin, you know, the moon prison outside the triad, Kim Sel, silly goose honk, honk, Ad Matha, Astro Unit, Ghost Sabrewolf, Sleepy Mystic, Sarah Joy, Taters, Precious, It's Just Steve, Sweet Martinez, Sharnoble 610, mere tender creatures, Amanda Short, Chut, Brimble, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and your friend Frosty, No Saguaro, Benbar, Benbar, stand clear of the closing doors, please, beastly death, Sven the unlikely, Cognito-Hazard expunged, Tad Wasanausin, Vyrestria, Theosis Theolognish, Nicole, I love you, but I will name Kid 2, Brathar, Fernwood Gal, Nellie G, Twinkle Tewtots, Gemini Sky, Phantoms' Moms, Callison, Hornswaglin Daniel Arthur, Mike Luclusey,

It's a fucking dog rapture. Abigail LeHoo, King Humble. We'd better ask Dave. When Chimes for Safety. Cameron Winterbourne Welsh. Fireball XL5. Mackenzie Duna. Alexica Habanera.

Code stranger. One bet, he bet. Ha ha ha. Matt N. Althy Revenurum. Momone Kiki. Frelp. M. Lin.

Feed me fish. J.R. on S.P. LaHari. Jay Spark. Lucid Harbor. Little Mira Leopard Paws. Die at Night. Mars Royalty.

Take 20 damage. Maisy's bandstand. Kim Bob. Battle Pope and Bugaboo, Snorts McGorce, Fresh Squeezed, Patrick Holt, Atlas B, Hold it now. Hold it now, hold it now, hold it now, hold it now. Hit it. Had it, Head it, Hot it, Bradley Ashby, Peter, Megan Okio, William Dyer, Brad Maneer, Jane, Hannah Dale, Crystal Delightful, Gruntled, Killshot Betty and her steel-eyed bow, Jackie Lowy, The Little Pigeon, Quentin Elizabeth Jones, Lily the Planetary Brain, crazed bear. Dr. Ladis Trash Angel figures recalled after flared bass

causes moral panic. Which craft does crafty lizard doing today? Noble barrel. Yes, my brain is weird. Thank you. Bippity Boppity Bum. Megan the Meg Young. Corey Morose, Russell Bunny, Max Savage, Jenny Wren, Apprehensive Craig, Tim Aranetta, Bacon, Nicole Studioso, Rambo, Chaos Squatcher, That Homeless That Homeless who saw the diner disappear from Rogers and gave up booze. Mary Kirby, Stephanie Sturgis, Kirsten, Hurry Up and Wait, Sarah Farmer, and Belladonna first of her name. Crittle, Twilio, Heidelbertie, Tom Webster, Rashmi Vincatesh, McClump, Azana the Leathersmith, Salazar the Domeage, the Bard with the Tuba, Hayward's finest Garin Elizondo. To my little, you'll always be my good girl, you took a piece of my heart and left a paw print on my soul, till we meet again. Sir Shet's-a-Lot strikes again,

damn, Ashton James, Elspeth, Skyland, A-L-R, Sidewalk Jam, Tonka-2005, Cruisten B-Anthony, Tricks says weirp tibled the first alley frog tray the turquoise tortoise frea titmittenes Courtney the frogologist says Corrie and Stephanie say hello the fauntucky wrangler scram brulee. Yay, Aaron the singing loon Zuzana Celeste Yose I'm so Antigoney funn I'm Ava's twin sister Bethany Katie and Noah Hendrix the stink the ambergler bootles Osvaldo simione Ashley Chapel Peoples Ryan Ortega Barbarian bloodbath the defenestration of Ted's Corrine Sabrantha, Shadow Daddy, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, K-Mack, The Something-Something Detective Agency, Hyabuda, Eli the Electrician, Sunny the Anomily, Charmei, K'on with

Karma, Amanda Knock, The Wondrous Mathasophon, hashtag Nissan Accura, Finnegan Robert, Jesse Foster, Samira, Flat Doug, Deary Darling, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Nicole 23, Racefully Impaired, Tired Pirate Muffin, Steve King, Laura, Roman Ronan, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, In Shuligan, Rebecca Trostle, So Good, Many Names, God are there? Chris from Tacoma, the real fairy godmother, Sir Alphonse suit person, knight of hood's pocket, polished paltz pacing pine paths, protecting pocket from sneaky skull duggery, Mitzi Lou, Kelsey Home, still Casper's number one fan, but now armed with a quantum spatula and ready to duel every Bethany in the multiverse with breakfast wisdom. Amanda Marie Catherine, Damien the goddamn time

lawyer, Matt Mosby, St. Foo, Harry Fishnuts, Astronauts, Astronaut, Magno's the Civil Nome. Welcome, everybody. I'm Hydealon, and I'll be leading our Midnight Burger Emotional Support Group. Starlight David Pierrini, Technoranger Rick, Joe's Weaslaf, Virgo Ares Infinity, Best Budd's Danny and M, Charles Q Choi,

a bug named Nat, C Cicryor Hunter B, Rudra, Death the Kid, Big Whiskey, O'Cocanator, Ron was here, Magic Pony, Robert Oliveri,

often wrong Dan, Jess Gioia, Paul A. Johnson, Killer Odd. Dr. Punkuscher Esquire puts on a little hat and does a funny little dance. Creator 67,

Mermaid of the Dark Seas, Cosmic Shrug, incorrigible Ross, Deborah Wales, SCRB Mark 11, Eric A. Raybourne, Maggie's Yarm, Stu, anthony, Megan Mighty, Haunt, Purple Saline, Three Legs are Perfectly Good, Drew and L.A., Anomalous Death to PSL Vandal, Fuck Ice, Captain BLEP, Ryan, Evie Power, Terry, P.Jay says, What? Amanda Lucero at all. Fear now doesn't polish the shiny melon. Blargo, Blargo, The Jazz Man, Tonight at 11.

Lorak, the Barbarianess, Hicks Bezzie Mates, Zealous Pragma, Tuba Rick, It's Just Blake. Alice Malice apologizes for forgetting to change their name for an entire year, but at least it was fun. Kelly Jane Danky, Aaron the Optimist, Thomas Stolen, aka Casper from another universe. Chadney Ashra, Lucrezia, Thornis Animator, Tamara Oliver, the Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa. Ava, no, not that, Ava, the one within... Grim, says, Trans rights, y'all. Zaki Nat, Underwater Corvid, Spisorinkum, Snakes and Bakes, Michael Christian, Ransom, Mruin-Maisalil, Grolix and Terabang, Late Indeed Again, Theron, Pyrallis, Ombi,

Vega. Coming soon, dances with burritos Gwocked and loaded. Aaron Mitchell, Lady Kiano Misen, Onix Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J. R. The Hiker Bear, Velasicate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Malirondi, Komi Zenne, Colibri, Mel Momburgberg, Liza Gaisler, Lannun Katakuton, Fred, Fred Burger. What the Chuck?

Sononosuno, Ben and Jessica, Todd Van Vorris, Nea de Rousseau, Pichi Zetuichi, Inky the Crackin, Incahalla, the Brave and their ever-Faithful Squire, Gen Extraneous, Dancing Dog Dreams, Trinket Coralie, and Existentially Exhausted Bean. When we set up our business goose email, the very first thing I sent to Joe was an email that said, fucking professionals with a zee. Has this right and good to demonstrate. We're just technically in our corporate documents now.

Like if we were subpoenaed for all of our emails, that would be our very first email sent, would be that. We hear Casper singing the prisoner's song, which I'm not doing right now. No? Come on. No. Lead me in. Come on.

No. Come on. No. I did it. No. I don't care. Come on. Please.

No. I signed a contract with the Chinese government to build three power plants, and it included a global pants shitting. Induced. In story, sorry. Here's what the contract says. It did both. Let me read this contract. Do you know? One?

Two. Okay. Sorry, y'all. I've been working with second graders all day. My brain is. That's right. They are so exhausting, I understand. Speaking of pants shitting.

I mean, yeah. Am I right, everybody? So much talking in this episode, honey. All of them. I mean, there's nothing else in all of the, that's all an episode can be, is talking. That's not true. You do a lot of sound things. There's not going to be a dance episode of Midnight Burger.

There should be. There's a square dance already. Yeah. It's like for Marguerite, it's that thing where she's like, this is my friend. I kind of want to fuck her, but I never will. And there's a little, that's a little fun. Like to have like that, like, low pressure sexual tension. And I was like, she kind of wants to fuck me, but like, she's the only other smart person here.

So it's fine. And she's kind of funny. So I'll allow it. Maybe I'll get real drunk one time. Maybe we'll make out. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.