Midnight Burger - Welcome to the Horizon 2.2: The People in your Neighborhood

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

"Hey, look at that. Out here in another galaxy and still: Small world."Cast:Trinkett - Camille SmickerFrank - Benjamin BurdickDoug - Keith CableEldin - Joe FisherJune - Melody BridgesVerge - Cat BlackardLeif - Tom MoormanDeidre - Tina CaseCeleste - Cooper ShawSteve - Jessica MuddSnorts Ma Ghorts - Jesse TilleySlabz Mc Terpz - Joe FisherDark Leif - Tom MoormanWritten by Joe FisherDirected by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonArt by Existentially Exhausted BeanTheme song by Ian FergusonMusic:Love Sick Information - Peter CrosbyRiverboat Gambler - Bo the DrifterRead and search our scripts on Podscripts!For more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comSubscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218Subscribe on Supporting Cast: https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fmHow about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partnersSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Of course you're calling me. Hey, someone's here, right? Who's here? His name's Laif. He just showed up all of a sudden. He was unconscious in the parking lot. We brought him inside. Then Eldon tells me to go get Verge.

Right. Right. Okay. Okay. Wait, what? What? Is this bad? No, no, no.

I don't think so. It's just big. Big. Yeah. Cool. What kind of big are we talking about here, Trinke, like arm war, big, parade float, big, like? Yeah, we're fine. We're just come see me in the morning, okay? I just need to listen for a while. Yeah, sure. What are you telling me? Oh, uh, hey, drink it. Hey, Jug. Party's still going, huh? Yeah, they, they love it here.

I guess the plan worked. Oh, yeah, I guess so. Oh, I hope we can keep up the sade. We'll be all right for now. Huh. You know, I, um, I can't believe I'm looking at a bunch of aliens right now. I know.

I mean, I thought it was weird when it was medieval Bavarians, but, you know, this is... Yeah. Well, I mean, they're just people. Do you still keep your bike in the back? My bike? For errands? Mind if I borrow it tomorrow? No.

Oh, no, no. Go ahead. What's wrong with yours? Nothing. Oh. Okay. Hey, Elton. Hello, Trinket.

How's it going over there? It's confounding. Everything's going to be fine. Thank you for those comforting words, Trinket. Let me know if you guys need anything. Of course. What's going on? There's somebody new in town.

Oh, well, that sounds ominous. No, no. I think it'll be interesting. Can you please leave your bike in the morning? I'll have Frank pick it up. Yeah, sure. Thanks. Hey, Doug.

Yeah. You can come talk to me anytime, okay? Oh, yeah, I know. I mean, about your new garden? You can talk to me anytime. Um, hey. Whenever you're ready. Yeah.

Um, okay. Um, thank you. Please, space friend. Hey. How's it going in there? Oh, it's very frustrating. Uh-oh. How so?

Well, he finally stopped puking his guts out, and I was starting to get a sense of what the fuck was happening. But then... Hmm. Then I told him where he was, and he started to freak out. Why? Well, this isn't a safe place for anybody, but for him, it's much worse. Around here, he's wanted by the bad guys and the worst guys. I told him we were on Rax Prime.

Then he starts having a full-blown anxiety attack. I don't even know what they're talking about anymore. How the hell did he get here? He doesn't remember. Are you sure you didn't hear anyone drop him off? No, but I could have missed it. This is the fucking worst. How do you know him?

Oh, really? June, it was a long time ago. Tell me everything. while you give me one of your cigarettes. I really don't want to talk about it. But that's a problem because I want you to talk about it. We ran a little crime ring together and it was just him and me. And it was...

It was so hot, right? It was a very long time ago. This is comforting, actually. Why? I mean, you're good now. things with Deidre are good and then your ex shows up. That's classic. It's nice that it even happens in space.

It is not nice at all. Don't worry about it. I'm not worried about it. Snookums, you're standing in a pile of cigarette butts right now. You're worried about it. I just had to leave Deidger's house in the middle of the night because my ex showed up. How would you feel? Deidra's going to be fine.

Oh, fuck me sideways. What? Oh, hey, speak of the devil. I knew she was going to show up and try to help. What? What do I tell her? Tell her whatever. Tell her the truth. Stop freaking out.

You're making me freak out. If she fucks up my life, I swear God. Hey. Hey, Deidre. I brought everyone some coffee and some food. Amazing. How's everything going in there? I still have no idea what he's doing here

And neither does he He doesn't know why he's here Look up in the parking lot Elton says gate shock What's gate shock? You know how everybody feels like shit after we travel? Yeah It's like that

In really extreme cases you can have memory loss But he never had gate shock in the past You know what? I'm gonna go in Say hi Chum Please don't Come on, we're old friends

We can reminisce about the time there was a thousand copies of my uncle in the parking lot. What? Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, well, well, well. Look who knows something that you don't. Well, thanks for the copy, Deirdre. Sure.

How are you doing? I'm sorry about this. It's fine. I really fucking hate that he's here. It's really fine. Are you okay? No. No, I'm not okay. We're on Rack's fucking prime and that's bad enough. And then he shows up. I know.

Trouble follows him. It always has. And I don't want trouble. I want to hide out here with you. Until we move on somewhere else, I don't want whatever bullshit he's bringing. with him. Virch, why are you here? I'm here because Frank came and got me. No, here in Hood's pocket. It was a message from him, right? Yes.

Well, don't forget to thank him for me. I'm so terrified that he's going to fuck this up. Nothing can fuck this up. Nothing? Nothing. You and I are unfuck-upable. Are we? Yes.

Mainly because of how much you are into me. I mean, look at how into me you are. Oh, I really am. It's kind of embarrassing for you, how into me you are. You're a total wreck over me. I know you're kidding right now, but I am a wreck, and it is embarrassing. Here, I made you bacon and eggs, and I made some toast for him, since he's. He's probably out of things to throw up.

Okay. Oh, by the way, Trinket has got her antenna out. Great. She is having weird feelings about him being here. She thinks something's going on. She always thinks something's going on. Something always is going on. Maybe she can open up a portal to hell and trap him there.

Virch, I am sorry for you that he's here, but honestly, maybe he needs help. Maybe he's in trouble. Fine. I'm going to go get some. some sleep. Somebody should. Thank you, sweetie. Get in there. I'll see you at the sheep's eye. Okay. So, this is what I've been trying to tell you. This isn't my arm. I know it's not your arm leg. No. I mean, I had a Davey boy installed. When I woke up here, it was replaced with

whatever this is. The technology that neither of us can identify. It doesn't even feel like a cybernetic. It feels like my arm. So, you're currently missing an indetermined animal. amount of time in your memory, and in that time, the cybernetics you had installed were replaced by whatever all this is. Yes. And it's freaking me out. But we agree it's some kind of technology. Yes.

Some kind of unknown technology. You're also saying that the diner that initially brought you here is some kind of unknown technology. That seems to be the theory, yes. The theory that was put forth by another version of you that works at a movie theater. Yes. Late, this sounds so fucking stupid. Not any stupider than a phone box.

You really don't need to be here right now, Jew. You don't know. I could contribute things. Like what? Color commentary, Eldon. I prefer my commentary colorless. Thank you very much. Where are we?

We're trying to have a constructive conversation, but everything he says can be explained by Gateshok. A little ridiculous to be skeptical when you're sitting here on a... Seriously, the whole fucking mountain? The whole fucking mountain. And it moves how often? Approximately every six months, thus far. Six months?

Yes. That sucks, Eldon. Please fill out a comment card. I have a theory about that. June. The same length of ski season. It's all... It's all I'm saying.

How long do you travel for? Approximately 12 hours. That's the same as us. But you stay put for six goddamn months? Yes. Oh, that's really terrible. Oh, God, I think I'm going to be sick again. Have you tried drinking a glass of water?

I hear that helps. That's for hiccups and also doesn't work. Says you. Is there any way we can do something constructed with this conversation? I mean, I've been listening to you to yell at each other for way too long. I have a thing. What? Is there any way we can go all the way back to the beginning?

I've missed huge parts of the story. Like I said, I woke up in the parking lot and I don't remember how I got there. Yeah, actually, can we go back further? I want to go full origin story. Let's go back to the very beginning. Please know. We don't need to do that, Jude. Hang on, though.

There's stuff he doesn't remember, right? Yes. Okay. Doesn't it help to jog your memory if you retrace your steps? It can. Let's go all the way back then. Come on. Tell a story for the kids.

I'm afraid June isn't wrong. This may help revitalize your memory. Fucking great. Leif, go back to the very beginning. Jesus. Okay. I was a kid in Humboldt County. I was a prodigy.

I would have graduated high school early, but I never really went to class. I liked making things since I was a little kid. My parents hated it. They were farmers and anti-technology. Anyways, there was a soapbox derby in Eureka one year, and out of boredom I entered. I won the soapbox derby And it got the attention of the local news And then it went national

And then all of a sudden There was a recruiter from Berkeley at the house Offering me a full scholarship How did a soapbox car get you a full scholarship? Because it could fly Shut up! Really? Yeah, it was pretty sweet actually The street was sloped just right

And there was a constant upwind So if you keep them frame minimalist Don't do the fucking tangent thing I swear. So I went from Berkeley to projects in the public and private sector. Then I wound up deep down in an abandoned gold mine working on the search for dark matter. Okay. Okay.

How did it go? I found it. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. What is it? What? Dark matter? Yeah.

You claim to be a science fiction enthusiast and you don't know what dark matter is. Yes, Eldon, because it's science fiction, not science fiction. the other thing. The majority of matter in the universe is invisible, undetectable. That's dark matter. Okay. But you found it. Yes. Cool. Keep going.

Okay. After the discovery at the top of the mine, they were waiting for us. The Teds. Oh, okay. I've heard this name before. The Teds are bad, right? We hate the Teds. The Teds are bad. Real evil empire stuff. Okay, are we talking Dune evil empire or the dispossessed evil empire? I'm going to say Hyperion Cantos evil empire, I guess. Okay.

Got it. Finally, someone who speaks English around here. So, there they are at the top of the mine. Yeah. They want to keep Earth away from global paradigm shifts. So they offer us a bio. So they wrote you a space check or something. I told them to give me a one-way ticket to space.

Oh, yes! I feel that so hard, Lay. And that's when I left Earth. I got a ship. I fucked around for a while, and then I found myself in a life of crime. How did you find yourself there? I met someone who needed a ship, and so it started there. Uh-huh.

Is he talking about you? Yes, June. Okay. a little awkward, but we can get through it. So, you too, right? Like, yes. We can skip over this part. That's fine with me.

Okay. I'm just saying, what if this is the key to everything and we're skipping over it? It's not the key to everything. This isn't a gossip session. I fucked it up. That's what happened. It was good and I fucked it up. Okay?

I joined a larger criminal organization and in the process, made Verge even more of a fugitive than they already were. I started working for the most notorious crime boss in the triad, and I made them much stronger over the years. A lot of years. And then one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I went on the run from the TED Empire and the criminal underworld, and I went into hiding.

Where did you go? Quillandus Quillandus shit Wife for how long A few years I think

Years What's Quillandis It's the last place Anyone wants to be Somebody give me a sci-fi reference LV426 Ouch But

Then you left When you're in hiding Like that You start to get antsy after a while. You start to feel like it's time to move. So I left and I stuck to the fringes, pretended to be a cook on an ice hauler.

And then one day, we're stopped at a space station. I go into the food court and there it is. Midnight Burger. Okay. Here we go. So, Midnight Burger, the same place that showed

up in our parking lot, you're saying that that place is like this mountain. It's always moving around from place to place. I thought the diner was unique. It's not. We've encountered a lot of places like it since the last time you saw us. Explain to me the necessity

of some sort of artifact that randomly travels through time and space. Heldon, I have no fucking idea. Everybody's got theories, but nobody knows. But you're missing a pretty important part. What? We're on Rax Prime right now.

But we're not. We're on one Rax Prime of infinite Rax Primes. The multiverse. Yeah. You've confirmed the existence of the multiverse. I've been living in it for years. Which is why you are encountering multiple versions of yourself. Yes.

What kind of multiverse are we talking about? Pratchit? Pullman? Some other third one, I can't remember. It's the multiverse, so all of them? This is getting so good. Our first stop was in medieval Bavaria, but it wasn't. No. At least not the medieval Bavaria from your universe. How do we get back?

You don't. How long have you been living like this? I don't know. Well, this is a lot to take in life. I know. While we try and digest all that, why don't we move on to how you got here? Okay. Believe it or not, it all starts with a guy named Croc the Propagator.

I'm sorry, what? Croc the Propagator. Is he a monster truck? No. Hang on. What? A guy from a long time ago, right? Yeah.

Had a bunch of kids? Yeah. I, um, I met his daughter. You did? You did? I mean, allegedly. Kazi, Tid, and Labusa, right? Holy shit.

When did this happen? It was right before I got you, Eldon, right before I got Laf's message. Seriously? Eldon, um... The first time you logged into my comms node, play the message right before Laf's message. Hello, Verge. So, yes, of course, I knew that you wouldn't come with us. But it was important that we asked.

It was important for you to ask yourself, I think. I wanted to leave you a quick message because I charted your path a bit. Nothing too complex and I don't quite know how to describe it. I'll just say there's always a way out, Verge. We make the world. What's happening? Why is everyone so quiet right now? Who goes first?

Me or you. How about you go first? And then I'll tell you how it all went horribly wrong. Well, I have to say, that story fucking rules. An entire galaxy of Earthlings. A dwarf galaxy, but yeah. This is a difficult story if I want to believe right out of the game. You understand that, right?

Eldon, think about where you are right now. How exactly do you classify something as unbelievable? I understand your point, but reason still needs to play a part in things like. Wouldn't that be nice? I can't wait to tell Frank this story. Can you imagine? Yeah, that's a good point, actually. What is?

Oh, okay, Jude. A space god with a galaxy full of earthlings. Uh-huh. Okay, sure, sure. Why the fuck are you telling me this? I'm going to go home and tell Deirdra, what we've been talking about this whole time. Do you think she's going to want to keep it a secret?

No, she is not. Their earnestness is a bit of an encumbrance right now. But we've got Frank wondering what's going on. Trinket's already sniffing around. Let's just tell everyone what's going on. Let's have a town meeting. We are not having another town meeting. You don't even like town meetings.

I'm not saying I would be there. His story is wholly unbelievable. There's no reason for us to start foisting it on everyone in town. Eldon, Leifah is saying we're never going to be able to go home again. Is that part of his story believable? That? Yes, I believe it is. Based on what we've observed, based on archival knowledge we have on Midnight Burger,

viewing it from a multiversal perspective makes our situation make much more sense. People should know that, don't you think? There may be a lot of people in town who are hoping our next stop is home. They probably deserve to know that it won't be. Ever. But we're agreed. No town meetings. A fuck no. How would you like to break the news?

I can think of one way. Well, this will be an interesting broadcast. I know it sounds crazy, but we should probably. We'll rip the band-aid off. Okay. If you say so. How are you doing? Me.

I mean, Leif's story sounds ridiculous, but the fact that we're never going home again, you know, are you okay? I'm home. Okay. Come sit down with me. We'll do this together. Okay. Hey there, Head's Pocket. Well, have we got a story for you?

for you. Hey there. Hi. I'm Trinket. Hey, Trinket. You must be Laif. Word gets around. Yeah, I guess so. How are you feeling? I've been better. I hope so. What's up with the bicycles? One's for you. What? Let's take a ride. A ride? Yeah. Best way to see the town. Where are you from, Trinket? From? I'm, I'm from here. I mean, well, not here. I'm from Hood's Pocket. I was born here. Uh-huh.

What? Your eyes are yellow. Oh, right. Shit. I keep forgetting, you know, like, sorry. I bet it's a little creepy, huh? It's fine. Hey, I bet you know what's... Spacefoot is, don't you? Spacefoot? Sure. I know what that is.

Well, I drank a whole bottle of it, and after about two weeks, my eyes started looking like this. I'm sorry. A bottle? Yeah, I hear that's a lot. That's a lifetime supply for a whole town. I hear that, too. That didn't kill you? Well, I'm standing right here.

And you're asking me to take a bike ride. I am. For fun? Well, not exactly. We're going to do the rounds. Do you deliver the mail or something? No. The people of Hood's pocket got a little news this morning,

and they heard a story about a guy named Lave, who has just told us that we're never going home again. So I'm sure you can imagine how that might make a few of us feel. So we're going to check in on them. I imagine they might want to get to know you. I can't see how that's possible. Well, wouldn't you want to talk to you? Listen, I've had a pretty rough 24 hours.

Leif, I get the feeling that you've come a very long way and that you've got a lot to do. But right now, I think you need to forget all of that and come ride a bicycle. I can't remember the last time I rode a bicycle. Well, don't worry, it's just like riding a bicycle. Come on. Okay. You're doing great. Thanks.

So, tell me about this place. Rax Prime? Yeah, tell me something. Okay. A long time ago, it was ruled by a warlord named Bugbug. That's a fun name. He was not a fun guy. Extravagant, though, he had to ship the size of a moon like a Death Star.

What's a Death Star? Star Wars? Oh, I've never seen it. Seriously? No, I grew up here, and then when I wasn't here, I was in a caravan in the Renaissance Fair. For real? I mean, look at me. Is it that surprising? I guess not.

So, Bug Bug was the ruler of this place. He was just a raider at first. This was his hideout. These mountains are called Bug Bug's Teeth. They all have a particular blend of metal fibers that deflect sensors. It's a good hideout. He ended up the way most of those guys ended up. Then the city got taken over by Killjoy and Love Bug, his two lieutenants.

Then the whole place descended into chaos. Nowadays, it's a bunch of gang factions. Kind of weird to be taken. a leisurely bike ride through one of the most dangerous places in the triad. You think that's weird? Just wait until we get to the secret military base. The what? General note, everyone, I have no problem with the forklift being nicknamed Russell Bunny,

and I'm willing to tolerate the makeshift ears it's now wearing. But in your official reports, please just call it the forklift. Thank you. Hey, Celeste. Hello, Trinket, to what do I owe the pleasure? Oh, hello. Celeste, this is Leif. Oh, so this is Leif.

Hi. Welcome. What happened here? Uh, used to be a top secret location. Now it looks like a Home Depot. Those look like meteor craters. They are. What happened?

Well, right before we started traveling, we were all almost killed by space rocks. Uh-huh. Some of us fared better than others. Wild. Listening station, right? Uh, Yes. How did you know that? Project Octopus?

Mm, yes. It's under Project Octopus. How did you know that? I had a few government contracts when I was younger, so I had code word clearance for a while, and, uh... Well, that was a mistake on their part. I see. So what were you scanning for? Seems like an odd place for a listening station. Okay, let's back up for a minute. Right, sure.

Uh, I think a lot of my people were hoping. there was at least a chance they could see home again. I won't say there's no chance of that happening. Okay. I'm just saying the chances of that happening are so small that it can't be expressed in standard integers. I was just trying to have a career in the military, Leif. Join the Army. See the world, right? That's the Navy.

Well, you're really showing them up right now. I'm getting the sense maybe this isn't the time for jokes. Leif, this listening station. doesn't have a tower. Not because it got knocked down by a meteor, it never did. The entire array is pointed at the mountain. We were put here because we were tasked with finding out if there was anything strange about this mountain. Guess what? Okay. Well, first of all, mission accomplished. We are now without a mission and without home. Any insight as to what we're supposed to do now? Sergeant, if it's any condolence, I just got kicked out of the only place I've ever called home.

Be grateful for what you've got. So, I'm getting the sense that even though this is not my fault, people are going to blame me for their situation. Yeah, that's probably true. Try not to take it too personally. This is actually kind of nice. Right? You're carrying a lot of stuff around Leif. Like I said, it's been a pretty rough 24 hours.

I know. Your body was mangled. You, you, you lost a lot of people. And, well, there are some other things, too. Some things you're not ready to talk about yet. So you're the town's psychic. Is that it? It's such a cliche, right?

I mean, I wasn't. It wasn't before. Before I was just, you know, one of those weird ladies with a weird little store. But the Spacefoot didn't just turn my eyes yellow. It shifted my perception. Right now we're going to see Steve. Steve is in a place called the Glade of Wishes right now. How do I know that? No idea. That doesn't surprise me. Now, pardon the assumption, but I'm going to assume you've got some experience with hallucinogens. Yeah, yeah. You know how everyone's different after they trip for the first time?

Like they see the world a little differently? Absolutely. Well, Spacefoot is the same way. Even when people take an appropriate dose, they're just a little different after they do. Someone taking a dose big enough for hundreds of people? No telling what that does. Eldon tells me that it's still alive? Yeah, the passenger.

It'll be in there forever. Why don't I have mushrooms coming out of my ears? One of the reasons why it's so valuable is because it grows so slow. The batch you drank probably took a couple hundred years to grow. And Verge used to smuggle it. Yeah. You didn't like that. Spacefoot's the most dangerous game out there.

People will do anything to get their hands on it. I wasn't a fan. You really cared about each other. I didn't know how to care about people back then. Well, who did when they were young? I bet you did. No. You're talking to a former goth girl.

Oh, yeah? I saw Dead Can Dance live three times in one summer. Wow. Empathy isn't a quality. It's a skill. You have to work on it. You've been working on it. Sometimes. Steve? Yo. How are you doing? Oh, I'm doing all right, I guess.

This is Leif. Oh, yeah? This is the guy? This is the guy. Hey, how's it going? Okay. How about you? You know, I like to come out of here. and think sometimes, you know, kind of big news this morning. So here I am.

Well, take your time with it. It's a lot. I don't know. I mean, I've been sitting here thinking about all the people. I'm never going to see again. Every year, going down to the Oregon Country Fair and seeing old friends. Mama Mander and B.Raws. slunt master jay i'm never going to see them again

been trying to decide how i feel about all that is that is i going to do a number on me am i going to feel a drift am i going to get lost in the sauce and after thinking about it i'm thinking no i'm good Oh. Okay, Steve.

Hey, can I see the arm? Uh, sure. Oh. Is it glowing a little bit? A little. I don't really know how it works. Hey, foot two, right? Really impressive rumor mill around here.

You can thank June for that. And I see the foot two? Steve. Some other time. No big deal. Hey, uh, how you feel? Fixed for weed, man. Steve. I would absolutely love some.

Fantastic. Hey, it's great stuff, okay? My supplier, he gets it from this guy in Humboldt named the Big Moose. He is an artist. You're kidding me. What? Moose is still alive? You know him?

I built his drying system. How is he not dead? I've heard stories about him. Apparently he's weed strong. That guy's going to outlive everybody. That's crazy. Hey, look at that. Out here in another galaxy and still, small world.

Yeah. Anyway, welcome to Hood's Pocket Life. Thanks. This place is almost too adorable. Yeah, it's nice. I just met the town drug dealer, and it was like meeting Barney Fife. It's always been like that. Shit, turn off here.

What? What's up? I was hoping to avoid these guys. Who are there? Outside Raxias, there's an encampment of mercenaries run by a guy named Slabs McTurps, total scumbacks. That's a group of them outside that sporting goods store. Not so adorable. What do you think they're up to? They're never up to anything good.

Looks like they're gonna try skiing. Here's hoping they break their legs. Come on, we can avoid these guys. Turn down the street. Okay. How many times have you been here? I don't know. Raxias is like the Paris of scumbags. And you used to be a scumbag. Yeah.

Turn left here. Where are we going? We're going to go see Flat Doug. Flat? We're trying to not call him that anymore, though. So just call him. him done. Okay. Flat? Well, he got hit by a snowplow. Whoa. Twice. Twice? Yeah. Is he okay? Strangely, yes. But he's been having a rough time lately. He's been taking care of his dad for a long time, and at our last stop, his dad passed away.

Really? Yeah. Huh. What? Uh, the place that I come from, the diner, that doesn't happen. What, what do you mean? Time kind of stops. Stops? Yeah, when I first found it, there was only one guy working there, Casper. Found out later he had been there for over a hundred years.

Well, that's definitely not what happens here. That, that, and this sounds unnatural. Was he okay? What's okay look like? I guess that's a good boy. There he is. Hey, Doug. Oh, um, hello, there, Trinket.

How are you? Oh, I'm fine. Doug, I want you to meet Lave. Um, hello. You heard about Lief this morning. Lief and I were just checking in with people seeing how they're doing. Oh, uh, okay. Um, I am fine.

Good. What's up with the pine cones? Oh, what? I'm, what? I'm sorry. You have an arm full of pine cones. Uh-huh. Um, yes, I, yes, I do.

Yes. Uh-huh. Okay. So, what's going on, Doug? Oh, well, no, no, I was, I was just, um, oh, uh, doing some gardening as I do now. Uh-huh. Okay. some gardening yes

Doug just started gardening great I am of course very excited to hear about how Doug's gardening has been going oh no it's going it's going well it's I I'm sure I will be able to talk about it soon great dude what the hell's going on

in your backyard. Oh, well, no, I just, I, I, I, I, I, I planted the acorn squash. I'm going back there. No, please wait, no, don't. It's very skittish. I think you, you should probably just, please stay out here. Doug, do you know what a hazmatilda is? I do not. It's a giant flying rodent, Doug. It descends on you in the darkness and eats your liver. Oh, God. Okay. Well, no, that, that, that, that isn't what's back there. I know. But we should probably check to see if it's something of the liver, even. variety, don't you think? Um, Doug, Doug, I, I think it's time. Okay.

Everybody stay behind me, okay? Okay. Well, hello. So, is, is it okay? It's fine. What the fuck is this thing called again? Do you have your phone? Oh, yes.

Hey, Eldon? What? What's the name of that huge salamander thing on this planet? And Ashley Soros? Yeah. Doug has one in his backyard. Oh. All right, enjoy.

So I've been trying to get it to eat something, and I heard the mongo eats pine cone, so I was going to try some of those. Mungo? It eats moss, semi-aquatic plants, things like that. Hello there. What a beautiful person you are. Well, I don't have any of that. There's a mongo here? It really needs to be in a river, Doug. I'm not sure how it got into your backyard.

How the fuck did a mongo get here? How do mongoes get anywhere, Leif? try and keep up. This guy's really rare, isn't he? Yes, there are delicacy in some circles. They're nearly extinct. What, a delicacy? Yes, I'm afraid so. Well, that's terrible. It's a hard life out there for delicious things. No, then it should stay here.

Doug, your backyard is not an ideal environment for this creature. Well, no, but neither, I mean, is an oven. Doug, I don't know what to tell you. Eventually, it's going to die there. No, it's here. So it wants to be here. And if it wants to be here, it's going to, it's going to just to be here. It should be alive. Things should be alive. Doug. Hey, you know what? We just need to build a pond.

A what? A pond? Can you do that? Yeah. We just need to bury a kiddie pool or maybe some plastic sheeting. Pipe down to the water table, cycle some water through. I'm not sure what to do about food, but maybe Trinket can use her magical powers to command moss to do her bidding. Who knows? I've never tried. Should be fine.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. I mean, it looks like I'm going to be here for a minute. Good to have a project, right? That sounds very nice, Leif. Is there a hardware store in town? Yeah, yeah, I can take you there. Okay. Tomorrow morning?

I did. Thank you. What? It's a pretty big black cloud, Leif. What is? It's been a pretty big 24 hours. I get it. But there's something kind of.

following you around. You know what I mean? Everybody's got baggage. Man, it's bigger than baggage. Do you want to talk about it? I'm going to build this guy a pond. Yes, that's very nice of you. Stuff like that.

Being around other people reminds me that that other people exist. Okay. I was alone for a while before I came here. Wait. We don't have to talk about it right now. Okay. Feel like having a beer? Yeah.

That sounds all right. No one may tell me when I am drunk too much. I am snorts. I mean, this fucking guy. I am the axe of the Green Army. Snorts. How dare you tell me I cannot have another margin. Margaret

Beveridge Snorts Ah Another comes to try and command Snorts Morgots Do you wish to taste my axe Give me the fucking axe Hey, that's my axe

Ow, ow, that is my ear Time to go Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow Get the fuck out of here How dare you I'm keeping your axe Give me my axe Do you want your axe?

Give me my axe Snor I don't know what kind of world you live in, but we have rules here at Earthland. Do you understand me? May I have my axe? Please. Good. That was great.

Now, are you going to follow the rules? Yes. Uh-huh. So when someone says you can't have another Margarita, what does that mean? It means I cannot have a little. another margarita. Good. That's right, Snorts. Okay. Now, take your axe and get the fuck out of here.

Please. It's just that... What? I have been drinking. I should not pilot my vehicle. Oh, fuck me. Okay. Jesus Christ. Uh, hey, can... Hey, can someone give Snorts a ride home to his cave or... Whatever.

What about that one there? The purple guy? Yeah. Where's he from? Gubrius. Okay. What goes on there? Are you ready to hear some ridiculous bullshit about the triad?

Yes. Remember back in the 80s when you could go into a mall and buy those off-the-shoulders that had Japanese lettering on them? Sure. And the translation was gibberish. It didn't mean anything. The important part was just the aesthetics of the Japanese lettering. Right.

It's the same way with earth culture out here. People adopt it, but they don't even know what it means, or they misunderstand it. So, Gubrius is a theocracy, right? The whole planet is led by a spiritual leader, and they're really into Earth stuff there. So this spiritual leader, the guy that leads the whole planet, Hank the Wonder Lama. What? They took it from the Buddhists. Buddhists have llamas.

But then they spell it wrong. They spell it with two else, like the animal. So what it sounds like to an earthling is that Goobrius is led by a friggin Peruvian llama named Hank. That's amazing. I wish they were all that funny. It's been hard to get our base set back up. We've got limited resources and no support. But as MacArthur once said, age wrinkles the body quitting wrinkled.

soul. I like this MacArthur. He seems like a very wise man. We also have a saying in our ranks, your unfinished deeds fuel the fires of Gilocks. It doesn't translate very well, but you understand.

Sure. I have also faced a challenge like this. Our armies were stranded on the moon of Azama. The enemy was all around, and our rations were depleted our only course of action was to eat the dreaded goo worm of Asana, a disgusting creature. But I said to my men, better to be a free goo worm eater than a slave with a full belly. Right.

So I know what you're talking about. Okay. Hey, okay, whose huge hovercraft is parked outside? That is not where we park. If you want a parking space, you have to go further down the street. How's it going, Frank? I think we ought to agree, Earthland. It's going pretty well.

Yes. Steve, you have successfully turned a nightmare scenario into a different nightmare scenario. That's what I do. People? The huge green hovercraft thing, do I have to tow it myself? Okay, let's go. General, it was wonderful speaking with you. And with you, Sergeant, the Legion of Slabs McTurps is in count out,

the south side of the city if you are ever in the neighborhood. I look forward to it. Hey, Frank. Hey, Deidre. Steve, oh my God. Yeah, they really know how to party. There's more broken glass on the floor than there is floor on the floor. Yeah, yeah, they started playing a game called Stabby Cocktoy.

They like throw their glass on the floor when they're done drinking. It's not a game, Steve. That's just throwing things. Don't judge their culture, Frank. Hello again. Hey, Celeste. I'm thinking this place might not be. be so bad after all. I just met a very nice man. A general, apparently. Slabs McTurps, is his name?

Really? Yes. Slabs McTurps. What? Nothing. He's just a, you know, mass murderer. God damn it. In his defense, it was just the one time. Great. Here, I've been instructed to give this to you, Leif. Uh, Nokia 3310. Why?

Good morning, Stashheim. Uh-huh. Now I can follow you wherever you go. Fucking great. Could you come to the back room? We'd like to speak with you. Hang on. I'll be right back.

Hello? Are you enjoying your stand? Jesus. Have you hit the gift shop yet. Still doing the blending into shadows thing, I see. Ah, old habits, you know? Yeah. I'm happy.

What? I was pretty pissed off when you showed up, as I'm sure you can imagine. But then I was reminded that you're the reason why I'm here. I'm happy. And your message got me here. Good. Yeah. I met someone.

Really? you know, Earthlings, I have a type. That's great. Deidre, she runs this place. That's really great, Virge. Hey,

you know, I was thinking, you're on a mountain. Yeah? What? Nothing, just vapians. They lived in the mountains. Hmm. You never mentioned,

how you lost your arm. I didn't. There's a lot to cover. Oh. When we escaped Crock, it landed me back on Colandis. I was about 30 kilometers from shelter. Frostbite. I thought you said you were on Triangulum.

Afterwards. I was. Why were you all the way out there? In Triangulum? No reason. I was just hiding out trying to plan my next move. Okay.

Speaking of which, I need Elton's help on something. What's that? I need to find some CMB data for this universe. Why? CMB data is like a fingerprint. Every universe has a different one. I have a few of them memorized. If I can get some CMB data,

I might be able to figure out what universe we're in. What good will that do? I need to figure out a way back to the diner. The first step would be knowing where I am in the first place. But you'd need to access the wider network in the triad to do it. Yes. We're trying to keep a low profile.

Yes, life, I'm not sure it's worth the risk. I understand, but I've got a series of abandoned comms nodes that I use for things like this. They're listed as an operative, but I can use them without being detected. You're sure you can't be detected. Unless someone is monitoring that specific node, but nobody knows it exists. Well, you sneaky little devil. All right.

We'll set up shop at Virger's Room tonight. more data on our location would be good for everyone, so perhaps it's worth the risk. Great. You boys have a lovely evening. Terps and his army who took their first skiing trip today. Only half of them were badly injured. Where in the fuck am I living? Hello?

Yeah, I've got it. Put it down on the table there. Okay. I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm really concerned about the energy this. brings with it. Trinkett, it's a 20-inch TV VCR combo. It's not a nuclear reactor. I know. It's, it's just not very me, but, but, but I think it's important. What is? June. Let me borrow this. Star Wars? Yes. Lief mentioned it today. I, I, I, I think I need to watch it. And that really is the best way to watch it on stunning 20-inch vacuum

tube. Oh, come on. It, it's, it's a big step for me. Okay, fine. Enjoy. You're not going to watch it with me? No, I should get back over to the sheep's eye. I'll know if there's trouble. Watch this movie with me. Come on. I made you some tea.

Well, I mean, if there's tea involved, count me in. I'm starting the movie. Get some tea. Fine. I feel like this movie. movie is really going to help me. That's ridiculous. Well, June says there's nine of them altogether. Is that true?

Not really. Yeah, and be sure and read the FBI warning. It's important. You done? Okay. So, how is this movie going to help you? I don't know. Something about going to war with an evil empire.

Oh, fantastic. here we go. All of this is going to work, you fucking criminal. Okay. We're going to target the painted Oni Nebula. All right. There's a casino station there called Globed Roulette. That station was shut down after an outbreak of redpox.

Yes, but the reactor is still online, and so is their dedicated comms node. It's just not listed in the system. Fascinating. People will see someone accessing the network, but they won't know who or from where. And if we're detected? We won't be, but if we are, how many data requests can you do at once? 1.2 billion per second, depending on signal strength. Make that many requests all at the same time, and it should slow down the system enough for us to get out undetected.

All right. Once we're connected, access the data on the Plank satellite on Earth. That'll be the quickest access. Very well. I am connecting to the casino, now the comms node. awfully messy in here There's the plank satellite I'll display this on the television

Okay It's up Great All right, there it is Well shit What's the problem? I don't recognize this scan at all I have no idea where I am

Well even if you did what would you do with that information I don't know it would be something, I guess. Shit, you can disconnect. I'm updating the mainframe on the Phoenix, just a few more packets. Do I live here now? Well, we do have some very affordable real estate here in Hood's pocket. Great.

God damn it, Leif. What? We're being observed. Someone's trying to track us. Who? I have no idea. Deploying data requests. That should do it. It didn't work. They're still trying to track the signal. Firewall is holding, but whatever protocols they have are very strong.

Get out of there. I can't. Not until I've covered our tracks. and I've just made 1.2 billion data requests. Okay. Take one of the packets you've downloaded and double encrypted. Deploy that packet on the network, observe how they eat through the encryption, and then incorporate their decryption process into our firewall.

Working. Firewall altered. It's holding. We're safe, but they've managed to push through a carrier pigeon. What the fuck? It'll be a 30-second audio channel, then they'll be locked out. Stay completely silent.

Pretty impressive. Sounds like someone's been reading my playbook. Who are you? Ah, never mind, I'll find out. I hope whatever you got was worth it. It'll be the reason you end up dead. It'll take me a second, but I'll get you. I should thank you, actually.

Been a while since I had a challenge. Anyway, enjoy these last few weeks, because now... Showtime. Oh, shit. Did you get the data update for the system? Yes. Access the TED's 10 most wanted list. Am I still on it?

You are. Oh, my God. In this universe, I never left Loaf Tracks. I'm afraid it's much worse than that life. What do you mean? In this universe, there is no more Loaf Tracks. In this universe, You are the most notorious pirate in the triad.

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Welcome to the Kwan Pound. Pen, pen, pen, pen, pen, Mr. Mucacho Kaisers Schnitzel is bringing an anchovy pizza to Lars on Omega Station. Julie Hammond. Sanctuary Moons No. 2 fans. Simpson, Jason, Alice Lewis, simply Amy Sue, even older Liz, Mr. Bearcat, Grak Pinfeather, Cidican druidic Scientist. Astro, Your Friendly Neighborhood, Android, Moonlight Zombie Fox. Old Doc Racy, the Midnight Missionary out there somewhere looking for you. Rotten Ronnie sleeps in grandma panties. J.S. Eldrich Ender. Skolunky. Artist Dragonborn. Bigby Garage. Shaloma. Bill Lester, Joaquin Jimenez. Hello, Big List, I'm Dad. Now let Joe get some rest. It's time for bed.

Muffins. Spacewives. Captain Jack Harkness wants Peter the robot. Oreo? Oreo? No, wait, pineapple. Actually, never mind. Oreo. Banana Manaz. A quirky cold kibble. Cudley Crackin. Life's a Lode's studio and his wife Meganator. The game. Axelite, Sarge the Bard, Sominity, Rielfan, L.L. Coolment Jams. Travis Robertecice. The other original Caitlin. Ken Daddy. Celestiani. Hazel the jaded Umbra pulls out a marker and approaches Sign My Shovel to Sign My Shovel's shovel. Leah Izadi. Millie was taken. Hannes.

Ben Camp. Shanman Man Man Man. Karma Camillion. Kinran. Wabajack. Zoe and her army of mice. Briar Long Lost. Daniel.

Sammy the Baby Seal. I have always relied on the kindness of diners. Dr. Budiologist the Glutes Doctor. The Hood's Pocket Pants Darts League reminds all players that clean underwear is required. Tobias Ewing. Thank you for besting too, your Anglophone. Support Canadian request will be processed in the order in which it was received. Queen Sirley Jess. R. IP Lance McLean, you would have loved Midnight Burger.

Adam Toclove. Dr. Bichcraft. Sassy Cat the Space Vixen. Claire Rock. Aros de God. The size two fish you've been looking for. Iokai. Borgia. Natasha without Boris. Spiders are cuddly. Lafayette lasagna lovers won. Main immortal Billy Rose that has all the corn dogs. Cheel. Neal. Sin City Scuba Steve. Polywog. Jinks the cat would like to offer you biscuits. Michaela White, Elena Pickle, Rachel Vasquez, the beloved yet borderline inappropriate empire of Dr. Thunderbutt and Lady Cristobel. Britt Littlefair, Michelle Myers, Glenn Morris, Lizard Lee, Rosemary Prem, Anthony Lakey, Brett Zimmerman, Lauren Benner, Stephanie Booke, Luke of Achito, Bootskuden Dave, Michelle Hopper, Jessica Engela, Kevin Daughty, Meredith Jester, Martin Deers, Entropy, Be eigenbasis. Robert Savat. Drinkspiller. Richard Ryan Moschell. D. Flower. Fall of the Berlin Wallaby,

Lauren Mayer, Jake the Cook. Some days you're the beetle. Some days you're the dung. V. Greenlee. Elijah Sharp. Dan Gentry. Ron Hayden. Fridgepickle. Jacklin. Dr. Joplin. Snooker. Happens to you. Yes, you heard me. The real Cheapcon. Mr. Grin. Glenn Petrovsky. This moment of silence, so joke and catches breath, is brought to you by Rick Tyler. Deep Breath. Elizabeth Hammond. Cheap con. Yeah, you heard me. The real Cheap con. Except no imitations. Fanch Brunglin. Steam Vision, conductor of the interdimensional time-spanning hype train. Dave Harold. Wisecube. Dirty diaper fuss butt and the piggy runt. Bromine. Pronounce bro mine. Main humdinga. Mother of Pearl. Fiona now owns Leif's 18-inch Peter. Sealface, rigor mortis,

Megan's Things Megan Makes. Shiny Fields, Magical Maggie, Trebex reject. Profit of the God of the Mucklewains. Laf loves laser guns left lying lackadaisically by Labusa. Igneous Burp. Darth Arth Ox. This brief pause is brought to you by Michelle Kay's wish for Joe to catch his breath. Aaron Arnold, Mamamander, B. Raz and Sluntmaster J. Could I interest you in a comquot-flavored squirt. Elliot paints, undeadicira, broom goddess, The Lord Reverend, Porgatos Pecks, unselling wizard, Ryan, Thomas' ten, tan, tan, stafel tippers treading treacherously tantam out to telling totalitarian trope termination tales. Ladies, for your pleasure, Chuck naked. The lovely Lara lovely. Kith Gamgee, Sam Wise's

Flamen Cousin' Cousin' Harry Hocke, Jeremy the ruler, Goethe, Hark's, Jacob Mitchell, swooning for Verge, Zeeke in the Box, Stevie Crowhill, How to Get Jack from John, Flesh Witch, Scrubs, just some guy from Adelaide named Ryan, Remy, the Panda Crew, Melody Prime, Beardow the Wizard,

Captain Benjamin Hawkeye Pierce the German short hair pointer from Nashville wants to tell his mom Maddie that he says, woof! Whiskered, Marissa the Ghost, local snowplows in your area are dying, to meet you. Rutherford B. Chesterfield and his dapper companion Winchester. Cheshire Corgy, Stray Cat, old Kelsey no-shoes, Zoldia, Dizzy Flame, Time Flies like an Arrow, Fruit Flies like a Banana,

Sasha, Beth and Alan Van Gillis, Langston North, Sly Fox, aka Brare Rabbit, Panstarts Champion, the Constantly Lost Geographer, Timothy Aiotis, Chance wants you to know, he cares. Wolfstark, Adrian Vance, Elliot, Hobbs Decoe, Natalie Bartlett, Rory of Yin, Mooby the Golden Calf, Giovanni Salinas, Rocky G, Perry the Pirate, Aaron Elizabeth, K-narcotics, Solomon Price, a daydream of better days and bright futures. Angela Sanchez, Bubba 485, aka Shimmelbach, the Christmas Whale, Kaiju Summelier, Stella Corvice, Jesus Garcia, JP the IT guy, Candyman Fight, John Peters, you know, the farmer, Barkley on the Holladeck, Dapper Dad, SCP-049, O Magis, Raven the Dreamer, T-K Turtle King,

Mike M. Space-based lasers. Caption B and Lady G with their swabs. Marla Madame Lotus still especially loves Finley. Lady Folly, Canadian waitress. Mr. Steamwave. My friend the rhino says, Be nice. Dream Founder. I'm your Huckleberry. Elizabeth T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. The Wonder Hamster and her dear darling Duke. Gus. Travis Knave. Coco Yumi is painting ponies. Hugamuffin. Bigfoot of doom. D. L. Annie Atkins. Crandyman the Pug Whisperer. Gero. Our cats, said to tell you, meow. Bag of oats, Benjamin Ortiz. Happy birthday, Alyssa, Pop Rock Quicksand, the Benny Yapper.

Erp. Abenaso, Trita Ward, Ada, Spooky Spader Storytime, William Kent, Andy, the McJimmy's from your local dimension, Xavier Killingsworth, Reformed Colonel Reb, MeMedic Hygienist, Rogue Art, Aaron Star, Jason, and Sentinel of the Star System. Claude DeClaude, Spunky Dan, Rachel Seymour, Chis Alfridge, the Bullheaded Professor, Ed Boy, Ryan Finnell, Melanie, Jonathan Kay.

Burbibbibbibbibbibbibbch, Bukh, Bukh, Bukh, Bacch, another monster, petabyte avatar, Tugwin the Mighty, Project Octopus, Ken, Chibs 1-012, Birochus, Biroch, Dan's granted clemency by his

overlord parents. Dance break! Spiku, the Bracken System and its whole world Wren, Simply Tony, Gabriel Kestion. Nico de Gio goes great on Midnight Burgers, a drum major and a trapeze artist walk into Connie's bar.

Sir Party Animal, Uloi Jackal, Must be a wit, Cat with a K. Miss Shan Frizzle. Squirrels all the way up. Stompensstein L'E Moustachio. Lucifer Hezekiel. Lachiawawa Brava. Adeline Pets. Cici Carousel. Corset the Destroyer. Honest Puck. Caspers'Amper's Moms-A.

Scout and Foxglove says the floor is lava. Kerdomsky. Craig Armstrong. Plastic Fork. Deltzit Deleche. Get out of my booth. Bug. Propagator. I hardly know her. Sad angry crab man.

Chuck McFenley. Hazel Hayes. Velocity Girl 42. Little Dragon in a cauldron of bats. Ben Carlyle. Flat Steve's love for grand theft. Anna Kearney, Crashly Strange Lilia, the four schnauzers of the apocalypse. Septi and Asha, not Sasha, have the hots for the mucklewains and would gladly be their euticorns. Starbla's Burnbright, Imzukioki, Spotted Rhino and her hand-me-down frogs.

Red Bafia Panda, Lonely Isle, Kai Dallow headphones. Hinkle, Pike Man Stover, Foyne, Foyne Stover's wife. Alexander the boss, Scrizzles, Fwap. The Firekeeper. The end is nice. Jeremiah the canceled, librarian Alex, Spike and Faye, Johnny Allen West and the boys from the dwarf, Speedy McSpeedy, Wolf, Brandy Gunter, Auntie Becky is now owned by five rescue cats, Fermi's paradoxins, speckled unicorn, Jedi rides again with Nova the Space Pirate, Tevin Long Blade Short Sword, Impatiently waiting for the Tardis, forget normal. Oh, damn! C.J. Johnson, a dragon sitting on its hoard of dice, Wendell Whitaker, Fecchoo, Smivey, Glowbed Roulette, Andrew Fuller, Dane and Deb,

Bon Mi Hong, the Soup Witch, Bender FtW, Fetishini Alfredo, Amalgamous Pax, Pebbles, V-V, Effie Rawlings, Megan Hazen, Philip, Your Dad is Not Your Dad, Nick Borrow, Midnight Plummer, His Royal Highness Mr. Hamilton Underfoot Kitty the First and accomplice, Princess Penelope, the Marchioness of Mischief and Maven of Mystery. Megan Gentry, Mr. Cherry, Our Ass is in the Jackpot, Tubby Teddy, Wayne Heiser, India Inkblot, Slav of Bahamut, Omie Gracie, Dalton Jenkins, Kat Holtz, the true mega-mic, Frank and George, the Wat Weekly Media Database, Ava Maddox Jr., L. Wirtz, Wirtz, Wills, Kirste, Kirste, Yit Maboy, 46, and El-Marie catastrophe,

The Image Collector, Blended Music, Sitting Squirrel, Patricia E. Melt missed everyone, a round of yards on the house. Red the Grey, the Silver Crow, Couch Potato Alex, Neverchild, Dr. Nossos Interdimensional Biologist, Kiboko Dunord, Lil Kov, Kovine, Theodrax, Joey B. Lucas Barding. DJK, DJK. Terran says, hey, Oreos are rabbit. Sandlewood Mountain is an odd way to refer to Hawaii, but it worked for Henry. Wimical fuckery.

Megan with an H. Hey, it's me again, warranty lady. What happened to us? You never return my coals anymore. Did we lose our spark? Patricia the Time Lord. Is it, though? Mango connoisseur, Bridie Bug, and the quirky jester.

The Big Moose demands justice for Betty. Glory Cole. Janelle Miao Nays Cat Butler. O'Sene Lou. Alex Berry, Andrew Oakden, Asymmetrical Exile, Chiro the Cat, the Sun God, Alex Spence, Dr. D. Birdclaw Spweather, and Mrs. Dubduway Birdcloth weather want to say hello to the whole Spweather family. Galaxy Britches, Angry Ron, Dominus Caesar, Durka Dub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, the Wild Thistle, most likely Cass, James Harlow has decided he's ready to see the claw.

I'm not Joe's dad, Jasmine James. Dr. Cabarand, also known as Omni, thanks Waffle Chateau. Colorado Beekeeper, Fruitcake, Anatha, Zandria, Jennifer Culkin, Squacamoleo, Midday Burger, Don Parks, throat goat 666, Princess Leia, Prime Freak, Protector of the Scottish Realm, Little Lord Stevie Pie. Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubinesque parrot. Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubinesque parrot. Stuck in a pit of Skittles, Drunken Coy, Difflater Mouse, Tony Piacarski, Adrian R, The Devil from Table 12.

Javier. Crazy Thadley. The Harbinger Pulsar. Cremulus is just happy to be here. The twisted twister. The rural juror is a massive fan. Fake queen. Upshnart, the probability demolition expert. Showtime.

CR Ipted. For my mother. Homer. Are we doing crimes? CCTX Girl 6823 waiting on the diner. Nicole Studioso. Sign my shovel. Kay the Flying Penguin says honk, honk to all the geese out there.

Truck stop sandwich. Indigo-wo-wo-wo-escargo-wo-wo-wo-wo. Love My Captain, Joe Mauma, Castriff, Retro-M-Gy, NightScript, The Gainesville Fear Garden, I like Lana Bananas because they have no bones. Utrud and Rose's Viking Void vitals, fueling the intergalactic fight against fascism. Not sure what I'm doing. Leah Rose, River Brown, Senior Deuce, Scullacy, Warped Writer, Tim Nacey, Ruben Clamzo, Turwin, Hugh the Mini Mungo, Morgan Brockman, Sylvie, Glynis Thompson, Dustin Watson, Betty White, 813,

Randy Supreme and Queen Lancaster The One True Cheap con, Star Scribe, Lucian Thunderstruck. Ho-ho, my mama. Dooser sees your only inus Morissette and wants to raise you a Florida state seminal vesicles. The other Adele, Chef Gal Val, Leah Hall, Sarah May, Cone of Silence Consultants, LLC, needs fresh towels in room three at the horizon.

Silly Willie Bubble Butt, Sierra not from Arkansas. Zico! Ebenezer Boob, Caleb Tumiala, Jason Woods, Arnie Arbuckle Esquire, digital fluf lost in time, potion maestro, nebulae Nell, regulators mount up. Cringle over coffee, Mad Yogi Eileen, a cat named M, potto, Pallas, Ethan Cobb, Big Moe, I am Annie, I live forever in every moment I've existed. I swear to every star in the cosmos, I never forgot it was a gift. The Stone Fox, Tricia Schaefer, Sylvia, Juciton, Papitos, Boomhauer, you can call me Boom, I'm an Onomonopoeia. Jennifer Baumer, Ninja Grim Reaper,

Prove to me that orange cats aren't gods. Brit words. Hot Shot Huntley, Momos Mama, Hold My Yard, Ivy Paisley, Toast, Sue Watts, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution, Trans-Dimensional Delivery Man, Matlock, Lord of the 13th Sea,

Mr. Trigvy, printing with cats, Calisi Del Mar, Dixie Dina, River Waters, Copper Coin, the Dumpster Wizard, 7,000 Possums, Sarah Jack Sparrow Space Pony, Revive, Debbie E,

E, Emma, Mr. and Mrs. Owo, Dusty Ventures, Ronnie Porter, Gloria's Linecook, Eagle Rock Lobster, the Gabbyist painter, and her bird of fire. Wondering Wenjo. Painted Oni, Q. Dell, Ferell, Emily with two E's, Spaceman Nathan, Ramsey's Niblich the Third, Kerklunk, Kerplunk, whoops, where's my thribble. Mad goat, Jackie wavelet, Yeoi Gagarin, Issa the Strega, D. Gritesler, a Gremlin with the Munchies, Michelle Skorakio, Genuine Jacob, Andy's brain is weird, Space Rooster Bandie Leopard Donut. Puffy Thang. Mellow Nuggets, keychain crap, Matt, Matt Sharkman, Stee-Lo, Arcadia,

Bumbling Lily Bee, Buffy's Daughter, a quick pause so Joe can sip from his tiny teacup. Delicious. Bufar D's Nuts, Panda, Curtis Lellig, Kennedy Allison Farner, Tristan Stolls, Dalyne Y, Shadow Rapture, Yet Another Nicole. Hank the Wonder Lama, Arcraft, Russell, Zephyrus Wind, the Ornamental Hermit, Just a Regular Fox, Jeremy Impson. What the hell? and all the black people in North Carolina. Just Rachel, Danger Girl, Atlas Bear, Patty the Ginger,

Ava Cigarette Ash, Boysenberry, aka The Boys, A. Zeus. Anaphylaxis, scab with Comtacs, the shape-shifting sad girl, and her girlfriend say, Joe, you've done it again. Sarah Nicole, the Kells, Kat Ahlena, Angry Leafs Laser Saw, Magnus Arrowchill, Amy Perry, Christophirichai, Source Decay, Skexis, Randy's Amigo, Gremlock, Katie Mermaid and the Delinquent Doe, Norman. Nicole. Victor Schauberger reincarnated as White Mountain Hillbilly Glitter Cupcake. Max Danger's Security Chief Shatsy, The Anxice Peach, Team Michelle and Billy, Nea Nix Reno, Frankenter, Nortle Bash, Jordan, Rwan X. Belasco, Ryan Rosensky, average height, medium rage. Audio Monkey, Joe, Team Hafeovesen, Monica and Mason Kay, Rowan, Lady of the Black

and Herald of the Stars, Pistachio Inc. Ariane Kent Manage Normal. Ryan Burnett, the joyful nihilist, The Timid Ghost 23, Dr. Dr. B, Zopres in the Bumble Army, growing into my farm boots. Superbeth becomes an RN alongside my bootst up farm friend. Geneva Boss, brothers of the cosign, Uncivil Nomes, the Rat Queen Evelyn, Great Lunch Conversation. The other Scott, Letty Lou. He was a shifty one at Nick Howard. Kinger was here, a Bobby Wynland Jr. Bbop B. B. Dabababuduwap, Warped Echoes. Slabs McTurps. Lord Robert O Tardis, he's bigger on the inside. Jeremiah Franko, Justin the nick of time Gothic rainbow

So We Made It Cody McClure McHadley Eternal Companion Jingalos Has Matilda Ditsy Bay Just Your Average Kyle Church

I am a laif on the wind Static ego Some fucking swamp wizard Lolly Evan M. Dobson Dave B Sean C How did I get here

Oh God is that the soup Going to be lit I am Shaggy Wayne Hall Danny Mars Eternally Screaming Skebo and Fuzzle McBumpernets

Neelix Tiny Wolf Asher the Raven Christina Senate is teleporting. BRB. Where the Shane's at? Definitely not an Android. Seriously, I'm not. The Wondering Welshman, whatever tabby, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev. Capo the Sartorius, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, BLTN, the Kiwi Dukling, Dad and Aubrey, the Dirtbike Demons,

Tequila Mockybird, Snuffle Up a Goose, Damarin the Space Goblin, Iso Pale, Oh no, a Bee! I am Lord Zoltan, hear me bro, Pocket Ghost Max, Mags the Conqueror, West, and Heather wonder if Derek Adair will join. My cat's name is beef. Eric, Katie Kate, get your colonoscopy, Victor Casados, Emily Schmemle, work for Melvis, Bo-Hogo-bye-bye-for-Joe-Joe Pogo,

that's a no-go, bro, Cody Monster, Collided Mind, Miss Nixie, Baby Baton Lee, Charlie Roodle, Kyle Perino, AK, Sid the Sloth on a bike, Priya Gandhi. The Wondering Mermaid would like you to know that the Little Mermaid

and the creature from the Black Lagoon are the same exact story. Little Stevie Pie, Two polar cat, aka Lath that one time, is waiting for a spaceship to take them to space. Carl, the teller of dad jokes, Skylab's multi-dimensional, multifasic intergalactic quantum cyberverse, Verde Sol, Galen Miller, Tess, Geriatric Youngen, Mystic Hippie, Unforcable, Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacon's Calling, Josu-Sajan, Banjo Cat, Too Many Jams! Catjot, Pamela Rose El Tierra, Then Stina says, Thud Tweed, Inigmatic Catbird, Countess of Carbon, Slappy the Squirrel's Ted Slapping

Rampage, luminous elk, Rodeon caution, love us for the nirds, Taz Hernandez, Captain Crash on the surviving crew, Casper needs all the hugs, but Joe needs an O2 tank. Joe is the writer's room, awkward heretic, Devon 777, Troy Aker, Mandy Kane, Northerly Kay, Kim Sel, silly goose, honk, Ad Matha, Astro Unit, Ghost Sabrewolf, The Sleepy Mystic, Sarah Joy, Taters, Precious, Teddy of the Wasteland, It's Just Steve, Sweets Martinez, Sharnoble 610, Meree, Mere Tender Cree, creatures, Amanda Short, Chut, Brimble, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and your friend Frosty,

no saguaro, Benbar, stand clear of the closing doors, please. Beasley Death, Zven the Unlikely Cognito Hazard Expunged, Ted Wasana, Virestria, Theosis the Theologianish, Spumples, Nicole, I love you, but I will name Kid 2 Brathar, Fernwood gal, Nellie G, Twinkle Tots, Gemini Sky, Phantoms' Moms, Callison, Hornswagland Daniel Arthur, Mike Lecluzi, It's a fucking dog rapture. Abigail LeHoo, King Humble,

We'd Better Ask Dave, When Chimes for Safety, Cameron Winterbourne Welsh, Fireball XL5, McKinsey Duna, Alexa Habaniera, Code Stranger, One Bet to Bet, Ha ha ha ha ha. Matt N, Monad Nick, frailp, M Lynn, Feed Me Fish, JRR on SFP, LaHari, Ted's Loves Catherine, Jay Spark, Lucid Harbor, Little Mira Leopard Paws, Diet Night, Mars Royalty, Take 20 Damage, Make 20 Damage, Make, Casey's Bandstand, Kim Bob, Battlepobin Bugaboo, Snorts, Morgh, Fresh Squeezed, Patrick Holt, Atlas B, Hold it now. Hit it, hold it now, hold it now, hold it now.

Bradley Ashby, Peter, Megan Okio, William Dyer, Vicky A Bear, Brad Maneer, Jane, Hannah Dale, Crystal Delightful, Gruntled, Killshot Betty and her steel-eyed bow, Jackie Lowie, The Little Pigeon, Crazed Bear, Dr. Ladis Trash Angel is currently waist deep in a pumpkin pie, Crafty Lizard Quilts, Noble Barrel. Yes, my brain is weird, thank you. Megan the Meg Young, Corey Morrose, Russell Bunny, Max Savage, Jenny Rinne, Apprehensive Craig, Tim Aranetta, Bacon, Nicole Studioso, Rambo, Chaos Squatcher, that homeless guy who saw the diner disappear from Rogers and gave up booze.

Lord Than and Lady Sarah, Mary Kirby, Stephanie Sturgis, Kirsten, Hurry Up and Wait, Sarah Farmer and Belladonna, first of her name, Criddle, Twilio, Hidal Birdy, Tom Webster, Rashmy, M'Kutesh, M'Klump, Azana the Leather Smith, Salazar the Domeyge, the Bard with the Tuba, Hayward's finest Garin Elizondo, to my little. You'll always be my good girl. You took a piece of my heart and left a paw print on my soul, till we meet again. Sir Schitt's a lot strikes again, damn animal. Ashton James, Elspeth, Skyland, ALR, Sidewalk Jam, Tonka 2005, Cruzen B. Anthony, Trick Once Treats, Stephen Schmidt, Xavier Romo, Alley Frog, Trey the Turquoise, Traeus, Freya Titmitt

Courtney the Frogologist, Corey and Stephanie say hello. The Fon Tucky Wrangler, Scrambrulee, Yay, Aaron! The singing loon, Zuzana, Celestios, I'm So Antigoney Fun, Katie and Noah, Hendrix the Stink, the Ambergler, Boodles, Osvaldoz, Sivon Delilah Rose, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Ryan Ortega, Barbarian Bloodbath, The Defenestration of Teds, Corrine Sabrantha, Shadow Daddy, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, Kay Mack, the Something-something Detective Agency, Hyabuda, Eli the Electrician,

Sunny Dianomily, Charme, Kay, On, with Karma, Amanda Knock, The Wondrous Mathasophon, Post-Turtle Evaluation Squad, hashtag Nissan Accura, Finnegan Robert, Jesse Foster, Samira, Flat Doug, Deary Darling, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Nick Hole 23, Gracefully Impaired, Tired Pirate Muffin, Steve King, Laura, Roman Ronan, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, Inshugin, Cryptesia, Rebecca Trossel, Chris from Tacoma, Mitzie Lou, Kelsey Home, Amanda Marie Catherine, Damien, time lawyer, all my homies hate Croc the Propagator, Matt Mosby, St. Foo, Harry Fishnuts, Joshua Cody, Astronoib, Magnos the Civil Gnome, Heidelon misses the warranty ladies calls, it's not the same without her. Starlight, David Pioreenie, Techno Ranger Rick, Joe's Weaslaf, Virgo Aresin'I's Infinity,

Best Buds Danny and M, Charles Q Choi, a bug named Nat, Cici, Cic Rider, Hunter B, Rudra, Death the Kid, Big Whiskey, All Cockinator, Ron was here, Magic Pony, Robert Oliveri, Dan Bowman. Jess Gioia. Paul A. Johnson. Killer Odd. Dandy Bay. Creator 67. Bajolent. Laph's One True Love. Mermaid of the Dark Seas. Cosmic Shrug. Incorjorable Ross. Deborah Wales. S.C.R.B. Mark 11. Maggie's Yarm. P.J. Sayh Haunt. Purple Saline. Three legs are perfectly good. Drew and L.A. Anomalous Death to PSL Vandal. The Ice Queen. Captain Blep. Ryan. Evie Power. Your favorite Kenny. Terry. P.J. says what? Danielle Amelia Lucero. Honk. Fear now doesn't polish the shiny melon. Blargo, blargo, the jazz man. Tonight at 11. Thank God I pre-recorded it. Lorak the barbarianess. Zalas Pragma. Tuba Rick. It's just Blake. Alice Malice asks how many chains could two chains chain

if two chains could chain chains. Sir Cat Dad, Kelly Jane Denke, Aaron the Optimist, Thomas Stolen, aka Casper from another universe, Chadney Ashra, Lucrezia, Thornis, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa,

Eva, no, not that, Ava, the one with an... Grimm, says, Trans Wright, Y'all. Zacky Nat, Underwater Corvid, Spisorinkum, Shakespeare, Michael Christian, Ransom, Maroon Mai Salil, Grawlix and Tarobang,

Late Indeed, Again, Theron Pyrallis, Ome, Vega, Aaron Mitchell, Lady Kianu Meissen, Onix Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R. The Hiker Bear, Velocate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Malarin, Sweeney, Cahillie, Melmoburgh, Rove, Lisa Geisler, The Crosan, The Grabe, Fereid, Fredberger. What the Chuck, Sono Nisuno, Ben and Jessica, Todd Van Vorris, Nea DeRuso, Peece at Toeichi, Inky the Crack and Azula the Brave in their ever-Faithful Squire Grabthar, Gen Extranius, Trinket Coralie, Dancing,

dreams, an existentially exhausted being. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Welcome to Magenta Presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Magenta. We begin with the five-part miniseries Ghosted, starring Beth Eyre and Lucy Roslyn. Perched on a rain-battered cliff edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky boutique hotel. Owner and Soul Occup and Beth has spent months renovating, absorbing its essence into her bones. It's an old building. You'll get used to it.

But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget. Kira, Beth? What the fuck? Face to face for the first time in years, a pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances. Beth, speak to me. Shut up, shut up, shut up! And something else. Oh, I can't bear it.

What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past too. Beth, he's right there. Why is there blood on your hands? We need to get out of here. Kira! Kira! I can still see him!

Subscribe to Magenta Presents, wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon, fans of the esoteric. Bye! Presents.