Midnight Burger - Welcome to the Horizon Part 11: Big Day

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

Boom.Cast:Verge - Cat BlackardEldin - Joe FisherDeidre - Tina CaseBertBert - Lauren Grace ThompsonFrank - Benjamin BurdickJune - Melody BridgesTrinkett - Camille SmickerTavrok - Ian FergusonDoug - Keith CableSteve - Jessica MuddCeleste - Cooper ShawLucian Thunderstruck - HimselfWritten and Directed by Joe FisherProduced by Joe Fisher and Finlay StevensonRadio Music:Highland Hymn - Bonnie GraceNeon Flame - Will HarrisonOpen Minds - Johan GlossnerPrinters Alley - Roots and RecognitionAbominable Love - FreeschaFor more information on our show, visit our website: https://www.weopenatsix.comRead and search our scripts on Podscripts: https://podscripts.app/Subscribe for early access, ad free episodes, additional content and more!Subscribe on Patreon (The one with the bells and whistles): https://www.patreon.com/midnightburgerSubscribe with Supporting Cast (The simple one): https://midnightburger.supportingcast.fm/Subscribe on Apple Podcasts (The Apple one): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/midnight-burger/id1537653218How about some merch? https://www.midnightburgermerch.comSign up for our newsletter: https://weopenatsix.beehiiv.com/All scripts available at: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1IXV0JIBFw_IgDJhVeaeqL4UPQngvXHoQ?usp=sharingCheck out Factor: https://factormeals.com/burger50offCheck out NordVPN: https://nordvpn.com/burgerFor more information on our sponsors go to https://fableandfolly.com/partners/Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Anything yet? There's chatter that it's about to break, but I've heard that before. What's the hold-up? Well, the Teds are actively trying to stop the story from breaking. They've been successful so far. I'll let you know when I hear something. Doesn't the universe want me to have nice things, Eldon? Verge, would you like to have a conversation about your neurochemical environment in the past month? Sure, point taken.

What are you two talking about? My neurochemistry. This is what you two talk about in the morning. I'm also waiting for some news. What kind of news? I don't know yet. Still waiting. Big day. Big day.

I should get up. I need to get to the sheep's eye for the big meeting. Okay. Fine. I don't want to. I don't want you to. You think Frank's made coffee? Oh, I don't know. How about I go check? Okay. Can you simultaneously go get me some coffee and stay in bed with me?

I'm afraid not. That is unfortunate. None of this feels real yet. I know. I wish we knew more. Eldon, do you know anything more? I'm afraid not, Deidre, the TEDs have a tight control over the data, and the TEDs can be trusted, which means I only have data from your planet to rely on, and that data is a bit Byzantine.

We know the impact is tonight. We have no way of knowing where yet. Make me a deal? Okay. Let's not think about it until after you've had a cup of coffee. Okay? That is a good deal. I'll take it.

What? Your face in the morning. What about it? Nothing. Go? Get me some coffee. Well, all right then. Here I go.

Frank. What are you doing? Thinking? Uh-huh. Frank, I could swear you're looking at three huge bars of gold right now. Yeah. Why? Doug won't shut up about financial systems collapsing, and if they do,

these three bad boys could be very useful. I see. I mean, I'm not sure how I make that work for us. though it's not like I can take one of these into Fred Meyer and ask for change. Where the hell did they come from? Oh, it's Clementine. Ah. She gave you three bars of gold?

She made them out of thin air. Oh, my. I don't think she's coming back for them, so I'm calling them an asset. They are very pretty. But what do I do with them? Gold is fairly easy to manipulate, Frank. Do you know anyone with metallurgy skills? Actually, yes, I do.

That's funny. What? One of the first things June said was to melt it all down and make it into something. I told her she was crazy. What if June has been right about everything this whole time? That's a disturbing thought, Frank. She knew about the military base. I mean, would my life be easier if I just...

listen to June all the time? That's impossible. It is, right? Frank, if I may say, discerning how to melt down three bars of gold seems more like a tomorrow problem than a today problem. Yeah. No.

Yep, I hear you. I think I'm trying to distract myself. I know how you feel. I'm here on a coffee run for Diderot. Oh, no. I think we can call that a today problem. I just made some over there. Thanks.

There is, of course, a coffee machine. machine in every room. I don't see how that's relevant. Eldon, do we know anything else? Not yet. When are we going to? All I have to rely on is the data from Earth, but as soon as the wayfaring stranger is within range of the native sensors on the Phoenix,

I'll be able to give you much more detailed information. When that happens, I'll let you know. Yeah, okay. I want to stress again that the chances of a direct strike here in town are very small. The real concern will be the global ramifications of a strike happening elsewhere. No, I know. I know. Yep. Is June still out in the woods? She is. Is she coming back for the meeting?

I'll check with her. Don't bother her, Frank. It's the end of the world. She's just trying to have some fun. We all are. Yeah. Yeah, totally. I know. What about you? The world's going to hell and you're still sitting here in your office. Verge. I've got a fresh pot of coffee and three bars of gold. What more? could a man need. Well, you know, Frank, that's a fair point.

But you're not a man. It's happening. The news is breaking. Oh, shit. Here we go, here we go. What? The news I was waiting for. What is it? Eldon, where's it breaking? Coalition portal, but it should make make its way out to the rest of the triad. Who broke the story? Who do you think? You know, every once in a while, you get to report on a story that you don't have to put any spin

on. You don't need to spice it up with some fun language. You don't have to dumb it down so that everybody gets it. Here's our girl. Who's that? I get to just stand here. and say what happened. And that's enough. Weird, right? She's blue. So, here we go. The TED Empire has allowed Earth to get raked across the coals by a passing comet in an effort to distract from non-stop rebellions and protests across the triad. They have deactivated the impact security perimeter around the planet and falsified reports saying that the comet currently approaching the planet is harmless. We are about to watch Earth, a planet beloved by the entire triad.

go through hell due to a completely preventable celestial event. It is disgusting and it is emblematic of this empire's insidious ruthlessness. They will attempt to deny this. But I have the data from an anonymous source and it is embedded in the broadcast. See for yourself. That's us. We're the anonymous source. Now, some will say, hey, Bertbert, if this is so important, why aren't you going through official channels?

Why are you broadcasting on the under signal? Well, I'll tell you why. I am currently broadcasting on the under signal for one reason and one reason alone, so that I can say the following. Get fucked, Ted Empire. Oh, baby. This is Bert Bert Broadcasting on the Under Signal. Welcome to the fucking triad.

Holy shit, Bert's! Who was that? That is the biggest thorn on the side of the Ted Empire. and one of the few people I've ever called my friend. So I'm sorry, I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. What just happened? Okay, it's a small victory, but I'll take it. The ones to blame for Earth's impending doom are called the Ted's, right?

Right. Ted's bad. I remember that. And we just broke the story that all of this is their fault. And now we wait and see how much trouble that makes for them. Okay. And that's good. It's great. I'm sorry. When you talk about all the space stuff, I still have no idea what we're talking about.

I know. Sorry about that. Allow me, Deidre. Railroad monopolists of the 19th century. Okay. I'm listening. They were a small group of Ben who controlled all of the transportation in your country, and they used this power to extract inordinate amounts of capital from the general populace.

Right. That's the TED Empire. They control all high-speed transit in three galaxies and use that power to put the screws to literally everyone. Oh, well, that sucks. Okay, I get that. And then, um, who was just talking? That's Bertbert. She's from a planet called Seagius. The closest equivalent to Seagius would be, uh, did you have a class president in high school? Oh, yeah, Giovanni Salinas. He was a huge nerd. Yes. Imagine an entire planet of class presidents. Okay, sure. I'm getting it now. Who would I be in high school?

I don't know if we can carry the metaphor out that far. Oh, no, no, I know who you'd be. Who? You'd be the one that smokes out behind the gym and listens to music that I've never heard of. And you think about them a lot, but you're too much of a chicken to talk to them. But here you are. Here I am. Didera, I hate to break this up, but you asked me to remind you about the meeting at the sheep's eye.

Yes. Big day. Big day. So, that blue person, is a friend of yours? She is. Do you think maybe you could stay with her? What are you talking about? Big day, Verge. This planet's not going to be a great place to live after today, and I think if you need to go...

I thought we were done talking about this. I don't like worrying about you. And if you have a friend out there... Why are you trying to get rid of me? Don't you throw a fucking pillow at me. Well, don't you suggest for one second that me wanting you to be safe has anything to do with me, not wanting to be with you. This has been the greatest month of my life. Me too.

What would you do to keep me safe? Anything. Me too, dummy. That's all I'm doing. Then I'll say what I said to you last time. My ship seats two. I can't leave, Verge. I can't be the person who leaves. Then I can't either.

Let me step in here. We still don't know the level of destruction. we're going to experience. I should have much more information in a few hours. Let's make decisions based on things we know and not on things that could happen. Okay. Who the hell calls you on the room phone?

Only one person. Hello, Trinket. Good morning, Lucian, you magnificent bastard. Look at you. What's on your agenda today, Lucian? Eating some piousion. Pine cones. Sure. Sounds good. That's seriously it. Just pine cones. That's not rough on the stomach. Lots of fiber, I guess. You must be the most regular space dinosaur in the universe. Speaking of which, I haven't seen you poop yet, Lucian, but it's going to be amazing. I can already feel it like an art installation. Good morning, my love.

And speaking of magnificent bastards, good morn to you, sir. How does the day greet you? The day greets me just fine. I must say, for a man that has no electricity, you make an excellent cup of coffee. I'm glad it pleases you. You're usually banging on some metal in the morning. What have you got going on in there? Leather working.

Are you making a wallet that says bad motherfucker on it? I'm making a saddle. Oh, kinky. Okay. Who wears the saddle? Me or you? It is for Lucien. Oh, that's even kinkier. I shall learn to ride him so that we may traverse the wilds together.

I like it. I can't wait to do my Debra Winger impression on it. Excuse me, June. Eldon, I'm having coffee. Big day, June. Yeah, all right. I need to speak with the Beastmaster. Oh, yeah?

Tavrock, Eldon needs to speak to you. He doesn't like you, Eldon. Can't you tell him I'm an enchanted mirror or something? That may work. Hey, sweetie. Just pretend it's an enchanted evil thing, okay? Speak. Frank needs your assistance in turning three bars of gold into more manageable portions.

I trust you'd be able to handle something like that. Into bubbles, perhaps rings. I was thinking a coin. Yes, a set of coins, a great treasure. That's the spirit. You'll get to work on making the mold? I shall. Do not trouble me again. It's the last. You'll hear of it from me. What else, Eldon?

You should probably get a move on, June. Big day, big meeting. Yeah, yeah, I'll be there. A great meeting back at the village. Yeah, it's just going to be a bunch of the friggin' townsfolk. Freaking out about a bunch of shit they can't control. kind of a waste of time if you asked me. Maybe, maybe I'll skip it. What do you think?

Maybe. June, since you've returned to me, I have been filled with elation. But I have approached you as one would a mythic creature in the forest, slowly, so as not to frighten you away. But I feel now I must speak. Baby, the speaking is my least favorite part, though. You should go. I should. I want nothing more than for you to stay and sit with me as we watch the sky fall together.

But I believe now is the time for you to be with your people. But can I just stay here and have you bring me things? I recall your ancestor, Aunt Hilda. Aunt Hilda. What about Aunt Hilda? She was a fine woman. I constructed for her a loom. and in return she provided me with a meal of lamb shanks and mint jelly the color of emeralds she did make a good lamb

you confided in me in your most private moments that you feared you would one day become like hilda i did you said unto me i don't want to end up the weird old lady up the mountain wow i did say that didn't i And despite this fear, it is on the mountain that you remain. And though you remain here, you still do not see yourself as a denizen of the mountain. You wish to see yourself as apart from it, as though you fear that it will seal your fate to swear fealty to this place. But I believe that time has come, June. Avi, the world is ending. What difference does it make if I go to a meeting or not?

When we first parted, my world came to an end. I believe you will be struck to find that after the eve of the apocalypse, the sun cometh in the morn. Okay, fine. Thanks for letting me hide out in the woods for a while. Wherever I raise a roof, you shall always find a home neath it. Your home is here. Your home is in my heart. And in your absence, I shall burn for you in the night. Tavi The things you say to me are so hot and so terrifying at the same time

And then I ask myself Are they hot because they're terrifying? And then the answer comes back, yes. And then I do a whole thing in my head. Okay, here I go. Hello? Hello? One second. I hate it here.

Why? It's a very analog. You're just in time. I have been working on this for weeks now. What do you think? What's in the bottle, trinket? Do you remember the mushroom you were telling me about? The Spacefoot.

Yes. I got a gas mask from Celeste, and I went in to Cameron's house, and I got to work. I dried out the mushrooms, turned them into a powder. and I managed to turn the powder into what I think is a stable infusion. Drink it. You literally made a magic potion. Well, I don't know what I made. I don't have a basis of comparison for this particular mushroom.

So... So... So I was wondering if I could ask the opinion of your... Little person. My little person? Yeah. Do you have him with you? Greetings, Babmorta.

Hello there. How can I help? You can look at things, right? I mean, does he have eyes? You'd like me to scan your mushroom juice. Yes, yes, I would. I'd be happy to. I do need to warn you, though, transforming the space foot and extraterrestrial fungus into a usable medicinal substance

as a very complicated process that's never been achieved without superior technology. I understand. Have a look. Very well. So big day. Yeah, big day. I wanted you to know that I've been working really hard to get a sense of your aura. Thanks.

It's very complicated. Tell me about it. What's the deal? I think the problem at first was with your chakras. I was assuming you had the same energistic. centers as a human, but you're another being all together. So, so, so, so I, I, I, I had to really start from scratch. I don't know what any of that means. Anyway, you've been giving off a lot of very positive energy these last few weeks. Are you and Deidre making love consistently?

None of my business. I'm just saying, whatever you're doing, it's working for you. Oh, okay. You know, Trinkett, this is actually not bad at all. Really? Yes, I have no idea how, but in theory, this would be a usable agent. That's fantastic. It's highly unusual that Spacefoot could be processed like this.

Do you think it might be helpful? Well, I don't want to go that far. If you don't mind, I'd like to set up several testing regimens, but we don't have the necessary equipment, so we'll need to improvise. If all goes according to plan, we could have a very powerful medicine in about a year or so. What? A year? Maybe two. Two years? You don't want to rush things like this. This is a very powerful combat. We might need this very soon, though. Well, I understand, but without all the proper testing infrastructure, we're going to need to take our time to do this responsibly. Yeah, but big day.

Drink it, drink it, drink it, drink it. No, no, no, no. Oh. Oh. That is not a good taste. I don't know. That tastes. That tastes how I think a cave would taste.

Oh. It's going to be fine. Eldon. What would the recommended? dosage for something like that be? One drop and a glass of water? One drop. And she just drank?

Roughly four ounces. Okay. One drop? Yes. Huh. Oh. What do you think that is going to do to me? Well, no one has ever ingested this much space foot in history.

So, we're in new territory here. Look, I'm sure it's going to be fine. I've ingested some very strange things in my time. Okay. Jimson weed, that was a long 48 hours. Sure. Okay, tell me more about this stuff. What did I just drink?

The questions, of course, should have come before the drinking. I realize that. It has many healing properties. Great. Some cultures call it the passenger. Ah. The passenger? Why is that?

Well. Okay. I feel like we're tiptoeing around it. How about you just tell me? All right. It's called the passenger because it never leaves your system. Ever? No.

You see, the space foot is an incredibly resilient fungus. So even though you have dried it out and powdered it. emulsified it, it is still considered a live thing. So I have living fungus inside my body right now. That is correct. Okay. Let's jump to the end real quick. Am I going to turn into a giant mushroom?

No. No. No. No. Oh, good. I mean, the day was going to be weird anyway, right? Sure. Okay, what kind of side effects am I looking at? Here.

Oh, all of them. Hey, Frank. Yeah, what's up? I have a text for you, for my grandpa. Why is TJ sending a message for me to your phone? I don't know why he does most things. Fine. What is it? You should tell Frank if things get bad have everyone's shelter in the sheep's eye.

Right. Yep. The sheep's eye looks like it could get knocked over by a high wind. So why would we take shelter there? Yeah, I don't know. Can you ask him? Right. Okay. Um, why would we do that? He's a slow texter. Sure. He still has a flip phone. Isn't he a millionaire? Oh, no.

I think we're talking about the B word with him. Seriously? He has a plane. Uh-huh. Like a World War I biplane, I'm assuming? No, it's really fancy. He took us to Puerto Rico on at once. I can't imagine your grandfather in Puerto Rico.

He was there on a business trip. Something about a telescope? Right, okay. Whatever. Okay, okay. He says, it's got really great bones. Really great bones, yeah. So, Deirdre, your grandfather's a fucking maniac.

Deidre. I know. Are you coming? I'm right behind you. Okay, everybody, let's settle down. Please. We can get this part over with, and you can all get back. to freaking out. So thank you. Thank you. Okay, everyone, big day. And thank you. And thank you for taking the time out to be here.

I know all of us are really nervous, but let's count our blessings, right? The news about the comet broke about two weeks ago. Two weeks ago for the whole world. But it broke for Hood's pocket about a month ago. So we've got a head start on everything. Doug, you have been amazing getting everything organized. Can you give us an update? Oh, hey, hey, everyone, bless you. We've been working like crazy to get the old church converted over to storage.

And I have been stalking it like crazy for like a month now. We've got dry goods and canned goods and medical supplies that should last us for quite a while. And now the question that's been hanging over all of us has been a very tricky one. If we're talking about a worst case scenario, who gets what? So this is a small town and it always has been. I've been here my whole life, and for whatever reason, this town just does not want to get any bigger or, you know, any smaller. But that doesn't mean we're all in the same situation. We've got people who have retired here up on Pine Ridge all the way down to the colorful folks on Trailer Park Lane.

And lots of people took all sorts of winding paths to end up here. Everybody's valid here and not because they made a bunch of money or because they work real hard. You're valid because you exist and that's all. Which is why we've decided that none of the goods that we've been stockpiling in the church are going to be available for purchase. Okay, okay, okay. Everybody, call the fuck down. Stop! it is called the tragic

what is it what is it called Doug? The tragedy of the commons exactly you were close so people get scared and they act out of self-interest and end up depleting public resources

so we've got a big stack of empty milk crates outside everybody in town gets a crate and you can fill it up once a week with you know, whatever you need from the old church. And look, this isn't, this isn't a new idea. Lots of us here do some hunting and some fishing every year and every season we get our tags from the state that tell us how much we can take home. And there's a reason for that. And

it's not a conspiracy at all. If we want to maintain our resources, we have to do it in a way that is, I'll be honest, a little frustrating. But you don't find yourself living in a small town on the side of a mountain because you particularly like being told what to do. But the fact of the matter is, we're all in this together. Right. And look, if you're irked by this, I get it. I really do.

Some of you may have remarked that I'm not the most agreeable person on the planet. Okay. Okay, well, it's not that kind of, yeah, yes, less of a joke and more. Anyway, believe it or not, over the course of this year, I have come to find that one's desire for solitude will always be overcome by, by the idea that no worthwhile endeavor was ever created in solitude. It's always been us. Always.

Making something together. So with that said... Frank? Frank, I'd like to say a few things. Oh, fuck. Yep. Sure. Sure.

Steve, go ahead. Morning, no. big day in line of everything frank and dug just said I think it's very important that I give a report on the state of our town's current weed stockpile oh well Steve I don't think we need to talk about this

you guys are right man Frank yeah excuse me Steve yeah go right ahead thank you Frank now as we all know You don't need a guy like me anymore to partake in a bit of herbal supplementation.

However, in the past few weeks, you all have remarked that supplies have begun to dwindle. Lots of nervous folks out there right now, and they're all stocking up. So, I took it upon myself to engage an old supplier of mine, K. Narcotics, a supplier that, shall we say it's not officially licensed by the state Steve I'm sorry your drug supplier

is named Kee narcotics Yeah yeah They like to engage in the Hide in plain sight mentality Frank I mean Who would suspect someone

With the last thing narcotics to be a drug dealer Yeah everyone Literally everyone Yeah anyway I'm proud to report that our reserves are higher than they've ever been. Okay. Okay, that's great, Steve.

Thank you. And if you'll allow me. I have a full report on our supply and how it will be distributed in the coming months. Slide one. As you can see on this chart, I have current reserves divided into strains from loud all the way down to mellow. Where did the slide machine come from? Still feeling okay? Still feeling okay?

Any blurred vision, or perhaps the feeling like you are about to die? Nope. That's good. Honestly, I'm feeling kind of great. Like, should I be feeling great? I'm not sure, Trinket. You're the first person to do something this foolhardy in the history of three galaxies. It's not my fault.

They're all wusses. I'm sorry, what? Oh, well, look who's returned from the frontier. What are we doing? Is this the cool kids table? outside the meeting? It is. Hello, June. Trinket may be dying. It's true. Really? Is this an actual

death, Trinket, or is this one of your metaphorical deaths, like on your tarot cards? Too early to tell. I'm surprised to see you, June. Thought you left us forever for the land of sword and sorcery. Ah, you know me. I go where the action is. You're the one to talk, Virge. You and Deidra have barely left your room at the horizon. Oh, Verge. You dirty little earthling fucker.

I do have a history. Can I just say, look at us. The amount of sex Virgin I have fit into this. Our last month of existence has been award-winning. Our names should be on a plaque somewhere. Don't be modest.

Embrace it. We need to fill these last fleeting moments of earth with unnecessarily sexual braggadocio. We are both. nailing and getting nailed by the end of the world right now. I'm very proud of both of you. I think the energies of your current partners are very complimentary. And the fact that Tavroch said that you should come back to town for the meeting showed real growth on his part.

It did. He's really coming into his own. That little... How did you know that? What? How did you know he said that to me? How did I what? He told me to come back to town for the meeting, but he said that to me an hour ago.

Eldon, did you tell her? I didn't. But I totally knew that. Yeah. You did. How did I know that? Eldon. No unusual brain activity.

Hang on. Let me think. He told you to come back for the meeting. And he told you that right after he told you he was making a saddle for the mongo. How did you know about the mongo saddle? How do I know about the mongo saddle? No, you're freaking me out, Trinket. I'm freaking myself out. Hello, everyone.

Sergeant! How was the meeting? It's still going. What are you all doing out here? This is where the cool people hang. out outside the meeting. So why don't you head inside, Celeste? There's about to be a global catastrophe and you're all acting like teenagers? Cool teenagers. What was the point of me giving everyone an early warning if you're just going to act this way? Celeste, come on. You're letting everyone

on the base have a picnic right now. A picnic? A brief one to relieve stress. How did you know that? How did I know that? Okay. Okay, good, good meeting everyone. Stay at home. If you can, don't panic and stay in touch. Call me or call Doug. Call me. Absolutely not. Call Steve if you absolutely cannot get a hold of anyone else in the whole world, okay?

Hey, guys. Deidre, we decided we were too cool for the meeting. Also, most of them are afraid of me. It's fine. It was just a don't panic meeting anyway. and you know how all those work. Oh, um, Hey,

hey, everyone. Doug! You have a clipboard. Oh, yeah. I just, I just, I needed to check a few things.

Is, is everyone's phone charged? Phone is charged. Mine is. I'm at a very healthy 89%. Oh, Okay. So the question is aimed at June,

specifically. Hey. June. So, you know, big day. Your phone is never charged. It's,

will be charged. I see. I've been out in the sex woods for weeks now. It's very hard to charge your phone when you're in the sex woods. You've posted to Instagram 17 times in the past 48 hours.

You're a little snitch. They're all videos of taprock chopping wood. Those posts are doing amazing numbers right now. June. It's not my fault that everyone wants to look at my boyfriend when the end of the world is coming. Boyfriend?

Shut up, dear. I'll admit they're compelling. I've watched all of them. My for you page is ruined. Hey, guess what? I hate every part of this conversation. So, Doug, is there anything else? Oh, no, no.

I'm afraid it's all a waiting game now. Oh, oh, if you're interested, I do have a list of non-emergency items to make the time go faster. Fudge, the word. I'll be right back. Yeah, let's hear it, Doug. Okay.

Well, all of our supplies are secured in the old church, but I'm worried that in the future, people may panic or become desperate and may try to break in. Wouldn't surprise me. What should we do about that? I could post some guards. I really don't want guards outside the church. I think someone should try and break in.

To the church. Put me in, coach. Yes, of course. Yeah, fine. Steve, go try and break into the church. What's up? Eldon. I think I should make us a flight plan.

Why? Virch, I want you to know that it's admirable that you have managed to become a member of this community. That's a veritable impossibility for any vapian, you especially. Why are you telling me this? My first priority is always your safety. Eldon. The wayfaring stranger is now within range of the sensors on board the Phoenix. They're fucked, Virge.

I thought you said today wasn't going to be a problem. I said it was a very small chance. Looks like they got lucky. If we leave in the next few hours... I'm not leaving. Very well. Then it looks like the meeting's not over. Everyone, we need to go back inside.

Verge has some bad news for us. Danger, would you mind shutting off the music, please? Okay. Everyone get out your phone and look at your screen. Trinket, have a look at my screen. Okay. The Wayfaring Stranger is now within range of the sensors on board the Phoenix. As you can see from the mock-up on your phone, the situation has gotten very complicated.

The main body of the Wayfaring Stranger will continue past Earth, but as it passes, Earth's gravity will tear off a sizable chunk and pull it into Earth's gravity well. That fragment of the Wayfaring Stranger will then begin to break apart as it approaches. There will be several strikes on Earth. Those strikes will travel in a line up the Pacific coast of North and South America. The first strike will be Antarctica. There will be minimal casualties for that one, but the heat generated will cause all sorts of changes to the environment,

and increased glacial runoff is not exactly what your planet needs right now. Second strike will be off the coast of Lima, Peru. It won't be a direct strike, but Lima will be in the blast radius, and there will also be massive tsunamis along the coast for hundreds of miles. Much the same will be Monterey, California. British Columbia and the Yukon territory. So, so they're going to miss us? Yes, but the real concern of ours is this.

Accompanying those four major strikes will be literally thousands of smaller strikes from Antarctica all the way to Canada. Smaller pieces of the wayfaring stranger will rain down everywhere. These fragments won't be able to create tsunamis or melt glaciers, but they will be able to lay waste

to farmland, burn forests, and destroy buildings. and those aren't going to miss us. It's a statistical impossibility that they would. Well, fuck. We should get everyone to the base. Shelter there. It's not a terrible idea, Sergeant Major, but your base doesn't have any underground structures

and the building won't provide that much more cover. Also, the time it would take to organize that amount of people getting all the way around the mountain would definitely leave people out in the open. And right now, it's best. that everyone be inside a structure of some kind. The only thing you can do right now is inform in the town and hope for the best. I guess it's okay that I skip the meeting then?

Right now, I'm linking all of your phones to me. Should the cellular network go down, we'll still be able to communicate through the network I'm creating. Verge, if you don't mind, I think you should leave me with Trinket for the time being. Sure. Okay. All right. Guys, hey, no speeches. Let's work the problem. Right. Deidre, can you start making calls?

Yeah. Yeah. And Doug, can you post all the information on that online forum thing you set up? Yes. Right. Okay. So, Celeste, I'm assuming you need to brief the troops or whatever. Yes. If things start burning, get to the other side of the mountain. We'll be waiting. Okay. Okay. Okay, a June, there's a handful of people in town who aren't online and don't answer their phone. So let's go knock on their doors.

Dummy Patrol, got it. Eldon, how much time do we have? Three hours. Okay, three hours. Okay, all right. Let's move, everyone. Oh, Frank? Yeah.

So I think in light of this, I should get up higher on the mountain. Why? Well, if I get up high enough, I'll be able to see the whole town. So if someone's house gets hit, I'll be able to see it. And then I can let you know. Okay. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Get up there.

Hey, Frank. Yeah. If you don't mind, I think I'd like to stick with the whole breaking into the church idea. And I know it won't help right now, but breaking the law helps me to relax. Yep. And Steve, whatever helps you relax? Yes. So sure, Steve, you go for it. Deirdre.

I'm not going. Anybody here would tell you to go if you can. I know. I would tell me to go, but I'm not doing it, Virge. I can't. I kind of wish there were still two of me, and then one could go and the other could stay. Deidra, I've seen things like this happen. And it's much worse than you think it's going to be. I'm staying.

Listen to me, okay? I know I can't convince you to go. But I want so bad to convince you that. If you left now, it would be an act of love, Verge. I mean, if I knew you were safe, it would mean the world to me right now. I can't leave you. And I couldn't leave you. I'm asking you to do the impossible, but, I mean, I don't know what else to do.

I had to ask. I love you. I love you, too. The world is ending. I have to tell everyone. Rocky G. Hey, it's Deidre. Um, listen, I've got some bad news. Trinket.

Hey, Birch. Can you do something for me? Of course. If anything happens to me, I need you to give Eldon to Deidre, okay? Verge. Quiet, Eldon. I can do that. Virge, I object to you making any plans right now.

Activate Legacy Protocol. Recipient ID, Dedra Peppercorns. Legacy Protocol acknowledged. I'll be right back. Verge. Eldon. Shh. Verge is on a path right now.

We need to respect that path. I'm afraid that's not in my programming. Well, we're all going to have to reach outside of ourselves today, aren't we? I'm suspicious of your level of calm right now. Yeah, I am feeling strangely good right now. I shouldn't be, right? You absolutely should not be. You have a ridiculous.

amount of alien mushrooms in your bloodstream. But I feel great. I mean, I feel awake, you know? Thousands of space rocks are about to rain down on our heads. Right. You know what? Let's take a walk. No.

Shh. It's fine. Where am I right now? You're standing outside the sheep's eye. No. No, I'm not. I am a human being on the planet Earth. My feet are planted on the ground. I am a human being on the planet Earth. My feet are planted on the ground. Trink it.

I'm hallucinating, Eldon. Wonderful. It's very vivid. Congratulations. I'm in the middle of a forest. You were already in the middle of a forest. Ah, yes, but there's no town anymore. Just trees everywhere.

We really do not have time for this drink. No, no, no, no. This is important. Someone's trying to tell me something. Who? Well, either I'm trying to tell myself something or someone else's. That's how hallucinations work. Would you like me to explain how hallucinations actually work?

I don't be a stick in the mud, Eldon. I was feeling a little useless earlier today, but now? Now I'm in my element. A little vision quest before the end of the world is just what the doctor ordered. Let's go for a walk. Do you like a good ghost story? Maybe you wonder what it would be like to communicate with the other side. We'll put your Ouija boards away and just listen to Rattled and Shook.

I'm your host, Meredith, and we've got a new season of Rattled and Shook available now, including themed episodes, guests, games, and immersive, creepy stories sent in by real people, about haunted hotels, satanic panic, and ghosts galore. A new season of Rattled and Shook is available now wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Frank. Yeah. I'm up on the ridge and I've got the whole town in my sights and I've got my high-powered binoculars. So I'll let you know when I start seeing something.

All right. Stay safe up there. Okay. You stay safe down there. Jesus Christ. Don't worry. Jesus Christ! Apologies. I've linked all your phones now so I can speak to all of you. Is that, is that what I think it is? Yes. That's the Mongo. Have you not seen it yet?

No. I just... heard people talk about it, that's, that's a giant monster. And it just showed up one day. The research, it makes a strange kind of sense. The mongo is a curious creature. They appear to be native to a few planets on record, which shouldn't happen. It's fairly impossible for the same species to develop identically on planets thousands of light years apart. But then it was discovered that the mongo emits a faint signature of tachyonic particles,

suggesting that their relationship with space and time is perhaps a bit more casual than yours and mine. Oh, do you think it's happy here? It seems to greatly enjoy pine cones. I feel very strange. Well, um, I should be at home right now hiding under my bed, but I'm not. Yes, that's not surprising. It's not? No, earthlings that suffer from anxiety as you do.

often find themselves more at peace in times of high stress. Is that right? Oh, yes. I'm sure you've found that as a sufferer of anxiety. It's those quiet and still moments that are truly the difficult ones. Oh, that really is true. It's true, Doug. You've really grown a lot this year.

Would you go back to your hallucination, please? To her what? Don't worry about it, Frank. What is Eldon talking about? Okay, listen. Yes, I am hallucinating. right now, but it's going to be fine. Oh, my.

It was an accident. No, bullshit! No, it's true, Frank. Trinkett has accidentally ingested a large amount of alien fungus. Oh, accidentally, really? Really? So she thought it was a brand muffin? Well, no, she ingested them on purpose.

It's the hallucination that's the accident. Right. Trinquet, you ate alien mushrooms and didn't think I think it was going to make you hallucinate? Mistakes were made. I'll be the first to admit it. But... I think I'm really onto something here.

Please make sure Trinket is inside when hellfire starts raining from the sky. We'll do. Everyone quiet. Something is happening. There's a large group of people and they're all looking at something. something. I'm going to get a closer look. There's a group of, it look like soldiers. Like the soldiers from the army base. No, no, no, no, no. No, they're wearing armor. They're all Asian. They have bows and arrows and swords. Interesting. Try describing their armor.

Okay. It, hmm. It looks like a bunch of squares. sewn together. That would be Latin Chinese about second century B.C.E. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I can still see the mountain in the background. I'm still

on Mount Hood. You're seeing second century B.C.E. Chinese soldiers on Mount Hood. Yes. I think you're basing this hallucination on the tablet that was found in the glade of wishes, the one with the Chinese riding on it. Xu Fu was the man who allegedly

wrote it. He was from that time period. Okay. But why am I seeing this? You're seeing this. Because you're hallucinating, Trinket. Hello? Can't see you. Because they're not really there. You're hallucinating. They're all looking at something.

It's... They all stopped in front of something. They're all looking at some sort of structure. some sort of metallic structure? It's very big. But, Eldon, where am I standing right now? You're standing in the town square.

And what am I facing? You're facing the sheepside. Okay. I think I'm in the past on Mount Hood. That doesn't make any sense at all. But then again, you are hallucinating. Would you stop saying that? You're worse than Frank.

How dare you? Oh. I'm alone again. Oh, Eldon, any idea how we're going to pull her out of this? Well, it's not like she's gone very far. She's just standing in the town square like an idiot. If things get dangerous, someone comes scoop her up. Fine.

Hey, if any of you all would like an update, I'm about halfway through the window of the church right now. Wow, that is solid. Great work, Steve. Celeste. Celeste, are you listening right now? Hello, Trinket. It's very busy on my side of the mountain. but your little magical mystery tour has been a wonderful distraction.

Celeste, why is your base on this mountain? Uh, that's classified. Come on. Boo, Celeste! Already getting court-martial. Just tell us. Don't ruin the apocalypse. There is a particular signal that comes from this area.

It's a very strange signal. We don't know the origin, and it's our job to monitor it. That's all. Kind of boring. Well, that's my job. Okay, shh. Someone's coming. Is she afraid her hallucinations are going to hear us?

Okay. This is a different guy. White guy. He looks like he's from Pioneer Days. He's got one of those old rifles and a horn with gunpowder in it. Wait, I recognize him. Deja, are you there? Okay, that painting above the fireplace in the sheep's eye, who is that a painting of?

That is Macon Peppercorns. He's the founder of its pocket. That's who I'm looking at right now. Really? And I think we know where this hallucination is coming from. Okay. The structure is still there. He's looking at the structure too, right where the sheep's eye is supposed to be. Tell me more about this structure. You keep seeing. It's kind of hard to tell.

It's overgrown by trees now. It's shiny and metallic. I don't see any rust on it. I mean, it's a couple stories tall. I think... Deirdre, tell me more about this guy. Um, I don't know much about making peppercorns. He was a pretty mysterious guy.

He was the founder of Hood's Pocket. Yeah, but he used to say this weird thing to my grandpa. Apparently, he used to say, Teddy, I didn't found Hood's Pocket. I found it. Whatever that means. Eldon, tell me again what that tablet said, the one we found in the glade of wishes. I will finally return from the mountain, though I have changed as much as the land around me. The mountain will be found again, the mountain will be lost again, forever.

Something's going on here, Eldon. You may be right. And I'm inside the church, baby. Proximity alert. What? The title signs are nominal. Can you hear me? What happened?

Guys, we just had a strike at the church. Is Steve still in there? Tricot, oh my God. Are you okay? What's happening? It started. A meteor just at the church? It's on fire? Oh, fuck.

Is Steve in there? We don't know. Come on. He's his... It's going up like, it's made of fucking matches. We need to get in there. Where are the keys? Oh, my God, I have the keys all the way up here.

Fuck! Frank? Steve has vital signs. He's unconscious. He has approximately 90 seconds until he succumbs to smoke inhalation. He is in the northwest corner of the building. All the doors are locked.

Frank, anyone who goes in there could die too. What do we do? Oh, fucking. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, this is just fucking great. Frank? Hold my phone. What?

Why? Just do it, June. What? Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's happening, isn't it? Well. Look at you, running into the phone booth, doing a quick change. Shut up.

I can hear the theme music. Shut up. What are you talking about? Everybody, move. Oh, my God. He's fine. What? Don't worry, Deidre.

Don't worry. It's an exciting field test, actually. I'm recording everything. I got him. Look at that. wreathed in flame cover of issue number one jeepress christ june elden how's he looking he's fine he was knocked unconscious by the blast but he's fine frank you saved me steve i mean this wholeheartedly please don't be in my debt uh frank you are on fire what oh ah june can you yeah i've got you

God, damn it. This was my favorite shirt. Steve, you owe Frank a shirt. What just happened? What's happening? Is everyone okay? Yeah, no, yeah. We're okay, Doug.

Our supplies are going up in flames, though. Oh, I knew. I knew we should have started in more than one place. That's bad. Doug, I don't think there's going to be a safe place anymore. You've got another coming in. Everybody down? Everyone, listen.

We need to get inside the sheep's eye. The sheep's eye isn't going to protect us from anything. Frank, trust me. I've had a vision. Oh, a vision. Wait, so, uh, really think that's going to convince me? Well, we could argue about it here in the town square, or you could just listen to me for once in your life.

Fine, fine, everybody into the sheep's eye, let's go. That was so crazy. I almost just got... I almost got killed by space, y'all. Okay. We shouldn't stay here long. We'll be better off in a stone building. Deirdre, do you...

Do you still have that toolbox behind the bar? Yeah? Why? Hang on. Sure, Trinket. This is a great time for some light carpentry. Here we go. Frank.

Take this. Why are you giving me a hammer? I need you to tear a hole in that wall. Why? Just do it. Drink it. Frank, I think you should do it. Why?

Frank, I don't believe this is a bar. Excuse me? Excuse me? Frank, tear a hole in the wall, please. You... Fine. Oh, shit, it's really starting to come down now, guys. These things are just hitting everywhere.

Oh, Jesus. What the fuck is that? One moment, please. It appears to be Arvium, the most resilient metallic compound ever created. Pen me around the room, please drink it. But if this building is just a facade, we're completely encased in an incredibly hard metal. It's got really great bones.

Why? We'll have to figure that out later. Right now, we are in a meteor-proof building. We need to get as many people inside this building as possible. Drink it, what the fuck happened to you? I guess I'm just that good, baby. Deidre, get on the phone. Guys. Steve, you too.

Okay, I'm on it. Doug, are you here? you hearing all this you need to get down here oh um i don't i don't know frank it's gonna take me a while to get down there no you you're a sitting duck up there dugs guys but moving might be worse and besides um what what well well i i spent my life being afraid of stuff like this i think i need to look it in the eye okay hey stay safe dugs what Diedra? It's okay.

I asked them to leave. I wanted them to be safe, so I asked them to leave. I didn't think they'd listen. Frank. What? Something's wrong at the military base. What? I don't know.

How do you know? I don't know. Celeste? I... Celeste, are you there? Celeste. I'm here. What's going on?

We've just been hit multiple times. It's very bad. How bad? I have to evacuate the base. They're loading up the vehicles right now. Okay. All right. Can you make it to the sheep's eye?

We can try. Okay. Okay. So, believe it or not, we're apparently safe here. I'll explain later. We're on the move. Hey, Doug.

Doug, how are things looking up there? Um, well, not great. Uh, it looks like we've got three houses on fire. Um, a lot of people are getting the message, though, and there's a lot of people heading your way. Some are on foot and some are in their cars. It's, it's gonna get kind of crowded in there. Deidre, what happened? Uh, they, they were staying here for me.

It felt terrible. It's okay. It's okay. Um, Like a part of me escaped. All right, everybody. If you're injured, have a seat. Otherwise, it's going to be standing room only in here.

Really quick, let's go. Eldon, what happened to Verge? As I think drinking would say, Verge is on a path. Here are this glade is where people come to talk to the gods. Well, I talk to my own gods, but they're not. They're all dead. So I guess you'll have to do. Whoever you will.

are. Listen, I've been running all my life. So long it doesn't feel like running anymore. In my life, I've spent more time inside of a steel box floating in a void than I have with my feet on the ground. I've been doing it for so long, but standing on solid ground started to feel strange to me. It started to feel unnatural. things we've become to survive. My people were scientists apparently. They were brilliant and beautiful and maybe a little arrogant that I have to be this. Carry a gun around. Fight for my life. Travel light, no attachments. The unnatural became second nature. It's the most unnatural thing in the world. loneliness

but I adapted I survived Vapus Vea Vapus lives and if I live then somehow my people will still live

that's been the rule is this living is this being alive it's more than just breathing in and out It has to be. What a fucking tragedy if living is just breathing and out. I can't do this anymore.

Staying alive is fucking killing me! I'm still here! But it's not enough just to be alive anymore. It's not worth the price. So you weird old gods from this planet, you're gonna have to make me a better fucking deal! I've played my part this time. I've played it well.

Well, it's time. It's time for it to end. I would like... I would like to go home now, please. Please, can I go home? Holy shit. Frank. Yeah.

What is it? Something is happening. Doug? Doug, Doug, are you still up there, pal? Are we in the clear? Doug? What's happening? What?

Doug, what the fuck? fuck am I looking at? It's like there's a, um, it's like tire mountain. It's like an island now, but it's, it's moving through something very fast, traveling somewhere. Elton? I have no fucking idea. There's spatial distortion to be sure, but there's so much more than that. For we're experiencing, it's never been documented.

It's happened before them. This has all happened before. Shit, y'all. I've got vertigo. Didre? Birch, you stayed. I live here. What's happening?

I made a wish. I don't know. Give me your hand. Okay. Don't let go. I won't. Frank? Sarge.

So, fuck is this, Frank? Your guess is as good as mine. Nice to not have meteors raining down on us at least. What does the little box say? This little box has no idea what's happening. There's spatial distortion and a very complicated energy signature, but I have no record of something like this. Y'all, have we died? Are we headed for the other side?

I don't think so, Steve. Hey, Doug, what's the cutoff? How much of... How much of planet Earth is still here? Hard to say cuts off at Ramona Falls, and then after that, it's just where this is. Well, my training is out of the window at this point. Anybody got any ideas?

Drink it. Trinket seems to know Everything these days I mean, I know I know things But I don't know things Hey June

Yeah What's happening It's pretty clear to me guys This is a Stargate Uh Stargate Oh shit Stargate's my jam

Richard Dean Anderson 1997 to 2007 Sorry What does that mean? It means we're heading for a new destination. Sarge, go on high alert if you see any Egyptian stuff. Egyptian stuff? I have it on Blu-ray if anyone is interested.

Well, it sounds like that's settled. Stargate. Whatever that means. Hey. Anybody need a drink? Several. Absolutely. I think I've never needed one before.

Okay. Well, I guess I better open up the bar. Hey, Doug. Doug, come on down now. Yep, um, on my way. What is Stargate? Well, Sarge, I'd say you're going to love it, but you're about to live it. Boom!

You shut your mouth, you walking refrigerator. You're the worst. They'll teach you any manners on your planet. These Truskins are a hoot. Have you hung out with these guys? Yeah. I have, I had a three-hour conversation with him yesterday about appropriate iron manipulation. techniques.

But you secretly loved it, right? I mean, what do you mean, secretly? I'm going to take them to see Tavrock tomorrow. They're going to love his anvil. Oh, wonderful. We're settling in pretty nicely to this new gig, aren't we? Hey, never a dull moment. Hmm.

Oh, shit, I forgot to tell you. What? There's somebody unconscious in the parking lot again. What? Yeah, don't worry. It's not her. Well, who is it? I don't know.

Some guy. And you just left him there? I'm on a break, Frank. Jesus Christ. Joan! Okay. Well, shit. Uh, hello.

Hey, buddy. Are you awake? Hello? Hello? Let's show him to Eldon. Fine. Knock knock. Verge?

Verge is it, Diedrus, Frank. What's happening? This guy was unconscious in the parking lot. I see. Wonderful. Place him on the bed and put the nanosurgeon around his left arm. It's over there on the table. Okay. I don't think that's going to work, Eldon. Why?

Look at this guy's arm. Whoa. I see. He bears to have a cybernetic left arm. Right foot as well. Though I can't pinpoint the manufacturer. Put the surgeon on his right arm then. Uh, okay.

Wait a minute, we know this guy. We do. June, point your camera at his face, please. Okay. No, what, what was his name? Larry. Laird. Life.

That's it. I need you both to go to Deidre's house, please. Bring Verge here. Tell them it's urgent. Wait, what's wrong? I'm sure everything's fine. But tell them it's urgent anyway. Okay.

Okay, okay, come on, June, let's go. What is he doing? here? I'm unsure. June, let's go. Hello? Elton? Long time, no sea. Where am I? You're at the Horizon Motel. I am? Yes. What the fuck am I doing here? I have no idea. What are you doing here? You told us to come here. Us. Ferge got my message? They did. That actually worked? It did. Holy shit! Okay, I don't have time for that right now.

Listen. Croc the Propagator. Do you know who I'm talking about? Of course I know who you're talking about. What does an obscure historical figure have to do with you showing up in the parking lot? Look, this is going to sound crazy. But what happened to my arm? Why are you asking me that?

Eldon, what the fuck happened to my arm? It's obviously been. replaced by a cybernetic. But that's... I didn't do this. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't remember this. Hold still, please.

How much time have you lost? How would I know? Laif, you have the most acute case of gate shock I've ever seen. That accounts for the memory loss. Any second now, you're going to start 24 hours of crippling nausea. That's ridiculous. I haven't had gate shock and... Oh, God.

There it is. Oh, shit. To the diner! this fucking guy. Welcome to the Horizon is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Third Bethany, Society of Bethany's. Oh, Bethany, where art thou? It's Nora's B-Day, and all she wants is a big bowl of Bethany stew.

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Justine Burbank, Dalek, Dalek, Steve, dancing dog dreams, and existentially exhausted being. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.