Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 134. Pete Holmes Returns: Working It Weird

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

From the studio of Pete’s podcast, You Made It Weird, Pete and Mike record an all new episode of Working It Out. Pete brings new and improved roasts of Mike while retroactively responding to Mike’s roasts of Pete from their previous episode. Plus the two comics have one of the most pure Working It Out sessions of all time as they create jokes in real time about their complex relationships with their dads. Through the jokes and the burns Mike and Pete ultimately attempt to answer life’s big questions: Does God exist? Does Mike get residuals from tumbleweeds in Westerns? Does John Mulaney live in Los Angeles? Plus candid conversations about jealousy, cheating on tests in 9th grade, and Mike getting bullied while writing an article for the school paper about the aviation club.Please consider donating to Homeboy Industries

You look surprisingly robust. Robust? What does that mean? You know what you look like? You look like you're a puppeteer, but you forgot your puppet. That's why you're on stage. Like you belong in the rafters with strings.

Okay. But the puppet's not here. You forgot your puppet. And your weird wife with rollers in her hair goes, you get out there, Mike Papiglia, and you go out and you do a show. I think that's very good. I came up with a title for your next special today. Can't wait.

It's Imagine if Mike Birbiglia were a little bit taller and a lot less funny. Do you get residuals every time there's a tumbleweed in a Western? Dry and crisp. And you just look brittle. You just look brittle to me. I'm dry and crisp and brittle. You're dusty and brittle. That's your vibe.

I'm not brittle. I'm just saying, if I was playing Pictionary and I drew a tumbleweed, most people would go, Birbiglia? That is the voice of the great Pete Holmes. This is a very special episode today.

It is. We've never done this before. We recorded with Pete Holmes, one of our Hall of Fame guests on Working It Out, but he also has a podcast, and it's called You Made It Weird. So we merged You Made It Weird and Working It Out, and what you're listening to is the edited version. And you made it weird over on his feed,

has the unedited version. We referenced this quite a bit. It's actually one of my favorite episodes we've ever done. We talk very much about our relationships with our dads, about being dads. It's super fun. Thanks everybody who came out to the Beacon Theater in New York and the Westport Country Playhouse in Connecticut.

I know I'm going to do more shows in New York, just so you know. Join the mailing list to be the first to find out when I do more shows. There is news coming in the fall about that. So join the mailing list at burbiggs.com. We added a show in Atlanta in June. We added a show in Atlanta in June. We added a show in Charlotte in June. I'm doing Richmond, Washington, D.C., Niagara Falls. And then I'm doing five shows in Sag Harbor, New York.

And in the fall, I'm in Red Bank, New Jersey, at the Count Basie. I'm in Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Oakland, Philadelphia, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, Champaign, Illinois, Indianapolis, Ann Arbor, Detroit, Dayton, Pittsburgh, Louisville, Nashville, Knoxville, Asheville, Charleston, South Carolina. The tour is great.

A little sort of reminder of what the tour is. It's all new material. It is none of the material from The Old Man and the Pool. It is a new 80 minutes of material. It's actually pretty emotional. I talk in the show about a lot of the themes that Pete and I talk about on this episode. Today, I highly recommend you come out

and see the live tour shows. They have been so, so fun and really, really kind of special. This episode today is not on my home turf. This is maybe only the second episode we've ever recorded in Los Angeles. We did a bit Larry Wilmore a few years ago, which you should check out. But Pete and I, we talk about family stuff, dad stuff, and of course we roast each other. So don't go into the comments and say, hey, why are you being so mean to one another?

Or Pete, stop being mean to Mike. I enjoy it. It is our love language. We love each other. This version that you're listening to is the better of the two versions. His, of course, is the unedited, which is a metaphor for his life and comedy act. And mine is edited and thought through for your maximum enjoyment. And that's who we are as people. Enjoy my chat with the great Pete Holmes. So today I'm working it out. Today I'm working it out.

Welcome to You Made It Weird. We are on... With Mike Birbiglia as the guest. You're the guest seat. We are on Working It Out in a guest studio. You made it weird work. You worked it weird. You worked it weird. You worked it weird.

Yeah, I like it. There's that improvisational brain you haven't used in 20 years. You haven't used yours since you pretended to do it for a movie. And more people would get that if they saw that movie. That would be a sick burn. No, on streaming, it's done quite well. Has it?

I'm just kidding. You know it's one of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah, I like that puppeteer burn. Can I say, last time I did your pod and we were roasting each other, you said, that's very funny, but why do I sell more tickets than you? And I've lived with regret since then, so months. So let's say it again.

Will you say, that's fine, but why do I sell more tickets than you? Will you please just humor me? That's fine, but why do I sell more tickets than you? Because for every ticket you sell, you sell two more to their grandparents. Oh, God. Every ticket you sell, you sell two more to their grandparents. Oh, God. I, like, that night, that joke arrived.

And I was like, damn it! Like, I wish I had thought of it in the moment. Here's the home game of Mike Birbiglia, Pete Holmes. The home game is talk to your friends about what their level of comfort is if you burn each other with the deepest burns you can go to. And if they're good with it, because it's a consent-based joke game, if they're good with it, give it a shot.

Because whenever you and I do it, I feel closer to you afterwards. Now we're on You Made It Weird. I'll let you know when we're on Working It Out. to you afterwards. Now we're on You Made It Weird. I'll let you know when we're on Working It Out. Right now we're about to be on You Made It Weird because I'm going to call it shadow work. There's something really beautiful about roasts and teasing and something about letting some wickedness out.

And I'm not even going to say it's worse now than it's been. I think it's always been hard to find safe and delightful spaces. It's hard. To let out wickedness. But growing up, wickedness, I don't even mean real wickedness. I just mean like a little like you're a half-speed podcast became a person. Like that. I'm a half-speed

podcast that became a person? Yeah. Okay. Listen to yourself as you say that. If I was listening to you, I'd look at my phone and go, did I put this on quarter speed? Is this 0.25? Because I'm on the treadmill. I'm trying to get some reps in.

I think it's reps. I guess I just think before I speak. That is good. That's very nice. That's what Sister Mary Frances taught us. Sister Mary Frances. Think before you speak You do what's right because it is right

That's what she taught us She was our principal That sounds like something someone would say You do what's right because it is right It's a nice little slogan I'm not saying it's not but it sounds like someone who's run out of ways to describe it to children So she'd just go You do what's right because it's right

When she was like week one of the job She was like you do what's right because it's right when she was like week one of the job she was like you do what's right because what's in me is in you and we love each other now we're on working it out because that's a good punchline for what I said which is a great setup oh yeah so the setup is

she used to say you do what's right which I used to think was beautiful wisdom and then I realized it's blah blah blah she ran out of things to say, you do it right again. Which I used to think was beautiful wisdom. And then I realized it's blah, blah, blah. You could even say, now that I've been a parent. She ran out of things to say. Yeah, yeah. And she got tired of explaining it.

Yes. It reminds me, it has echoes of the Mulaney bit where he goes, you ever been on a date? You know, first couple people you date, they get the best version of the story. Yeah. Like, it's like we were teenagers. We were walking on the railroad track. I remember best version of the story. Yeah. It's like we were teenagers. We were walking on the railroad track.

I remember the sound of the peepers. I remember the moon. All this stuff. And then like the third, fourth, fifth person you date, you go, when I was a kid, I saw a dead body. That's a great joke. Is that on a special? You know, I know Mulaney live. Right.

I don't. You saw him do it somewhere. I'm not an expert at the special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not. I'm doing his live talk show tomorrow. Oh, good. Yeah.

That's me masking jealousy. I hated that. Yeah. No, no, I hated that I felt jealous. That's how I hated. That's what I hated about that. But didn't you kind of like telling me? Wasn't that a little too much lemon in my iced tea?

Wasn't there a part of you that knows I asked for sugar and you gave me Splenda with just like a little, again, like a mischievous, wicked, I can't, when will I tell Pete that I'm doing the show that our friend is hosting that's wildly popular? Look at your fucking face, you Coney Island mascot! Look at your delight! Did you think on the way over when am I going to tell him? No.

No. Because you didn't even want to fantasize about it. You just wanted to enjoy it when it happened. Why are you changing the narrative as you go? Because I'm right. I know me. I would Mike, I'm going to now you're not on it. I'm going to tell you. Just for the fun.

Okay. I'm doing Mulaney's live talk show tomorrow. Oh, that's so fun. That's what I'd say. I don't believe you. That's so fun. You said that like Paul Rudd. That's how I know you were acting. That's so fun.

It's an honor. It's an honor. Isn't it an honor? Yeah, although I will say I was not on the original announcement artwork. I was a later ad, which means someone canceled. You were rebooked. And they can't have both of us. No.

You know what I mean? No one will be able to tell us apart. That's what I mean. You can't have kidney beans and navy beans. It's just fucking beans. You get one bean. By the way, I'm not. There's Mike, and there's Mike on stilts.

That's very funny. Honestly, all of our teas, too, does come from what you have. I don't think you think this about me, so I'm being vulnerable. But what you have i want more of i like your craft oh i like your zen garden a lot of people i admire bargazzi seinfeld uh you have a certain japanese shoe store quality it's a little more minimal than me that's not quite right because it's cold but um imagine like a very well curated garden. That's kind of how I think of you guys.

I don't think of it that way at all. You don't think of what you do as curated? No, no. I relate to those folks. I relate to Nate and Jerry in the sense of I think similarly I'm obsessed with jokes. And I'm obsessed with

you gotta crank out the thing. Yes. You know what I mean? Because ultimately, the audience is waiting for the jokes. You got to show up with the jokes. Old man in the pool, you look like what they found in the filter. That's good. You look like what they found in the filter.

It didn't come out clean, but I liked it. I like it. Old man in the pool. Mike looks like what they found in the filter. See, this is what, if we were on the Tom Brady roast, it would just be us roasting one another. Well, since that's what I'm here to plug, why don't we talk about the old man in the pool?

Other than just one idle joke about it at my expense. Idle is a good word for the show. There's a big swoosh of graph paper on the stage. And then a man comes out and does kind of... It's feeling too mean! Is this... It's a great show! It's on Netflix.

Yeah. Dot com. Yeah. Did you back away because it was too mean? No, no. Did you go in your head because you were like... No, I was just thinking about the word idol. Yeah.

I always think about what your career has been since 2011. That's very nice. I remember when you were on that series, Crashang, I couldn't believe that they had such an unattractive star of an HBO series who didn't hang a lantern on how unattractive he was. Like it wasn't a plot point. Right, exactly. Like, you

never acknowledge the elephant in the room, which is the elephant who's the star of the show. Oh my god. This, from a guy who looks like cream cheese, got its wish to become a real boy. Plain cream cheese. You look looks like cream cheese got its wish to become a real boy. Plain cream cheese. You look like plain cream cheese on a plain bagel

got struck by lightning and was like, I'm going to the comedy cellar. Your series, Crashing, was like one of those shows where on episode one, everyone in the audience goes, he's really fallen off. I liked the early episodes, but there weren't earlier episodes. It's very good.

It's very, very good. I was a consulting producer on that show. I'm looking forward to your next hour where you get lost in a library. What are you trying to bum mics with me? Trying to Dave Attell, Jeffrey Ross me? Lights come up. The Dewey Decimal System.

Jesus Christ. I remember as a kid learning about the Dewey Decimal System. By the way. It's the only system there is for organizing books other than the stack. Let me know when this is over. You can put them by author. You can put them by color. But then this guy comes in named Dewey.

And he's like, you should do it by this longitude, latitude, seven-digit code. If you're not laughing and you're wondering where the punchline is, that's how we all feel. It's because the impression is so good. You're like, why am I here? That's how we all feel. And I look around and there's fucking

Jack Black and goddamn hot, hothead Hollywood celebs and we're all wondering the same thing. How did we get here? You mean at the old man in the pool premiere? When I was at the old man in the pool premiere. A lot of hot names.

What is your red line? What could I say to burn you to be a bridge too far? Well, what's funny is we've known each other long enough that you have. You have accidentally hurt my feelings before. But it's not, it's all in the, I don't feel this way about anybody else, but there have been times when you've just like, you know what it is? It's not what you said, it's the mood I'm in.

You know when you're in that mood? Catches you in the wrong moment. Like we're both dads. Yeah. And sometimes I love my baby more than anything. We all know this. And sometimes, please don't touch daddy. Please, please. I just can't be touched right now. I'll get

tactile sensitivity. It's because I'm thinking about something. It's because I got an email that's some sort of weird choice. Do you want to be here for three weeks for this?. Do you want to be here for three weeks for this? Or do you want to be here? Or do this? Like, I get real

tight and real panicked when you make me plan my future. I feel like we've got to get to some pressing topics. Depressing? Pressing topics. Oh, pressing topics? Yeah, I mean, I feel like it's like, how long have we been talking? Well, that's our magic.

Is it, though? I get worried. I know you, you don't, I edit mine. So I'm going to, you're going to hear a version on mine. It's going to be edited. We're going to really think through. It's like this American life where they go, for a bleeped version, go to mikebarbiglia.com.

People are going to hear my version and they're going to be like, oh, this is nice. They cared about what I was interested in. Or withheld the parts that were human and real and vulnerable. And your version is just going to be kind of like two people sitting on a sidewalk together. Yeah.

Waiting for the bus. When I see two people sitting on a sidewalk together. Yeah. Waiting for the bus. When I see two people sitting on a sidewalk together, I'm like, what? What are they getting into? And you're like, what if we open with a wide of those guys? And then we push in real tight. And out of nowhere, the first line of the podcast is, that's why that horse saved my life.

What's off limits for you? Like, what's the thing that I said to you that was too far? Do you remember? No, I think we've talked about this before. It's we said to each other, what do people say behind our backs? And I remember. But really, Mikey, if I'm in the wrong mood, you could say, like, Pete's me on stilts

and I'd be like I didn't choose this body like if I'm really right that's why I think if you're a raw nerve on that day

I've said this before everybody who reviews anything it should open with a two page essay on how they're feeling yeah cause Val and I saw Fall Guy today yeah

we loved it you know why I fucking love Val with the movies playing hooky we went to a 10am showing a fall guy eating Reese's Pieces

with our kid in school you think I'm not gonna have a hoot of a time yeah but you know nothing more fun than going to a movie with Jenny we're gonna go

Saturday night this Saturday night we have a movie date I'm thrilled it's the thing on my calendar I'm most excited about. Yeah. And I'm on John Mulaney's live talk show. Mike is here.

So excited. Mikey, you're part of the Netflix is a joke fest. Is that right? Yeah. Great. We'll be right back. That's a good impression. Very good.

Have you done that for John? When would I do it for John? No, I'm just kidding. You've done it for him before. I'm walking that back. He texted me the other day. Very sweet. Very nice.

Because I think he heard me on a podcast kind of saying we're not really that close anymore. We are friends. He's just so busy and he lives in New York. And I love him. But I haven't done it for him. He doesn't live in New York, and I love him. But I haven't done it for him. He doesn't live in New York. He said because he lives in New York?

I just assumed he lived in New York. He doesn't live in New York? No. Look. No, no, no. My only concern in this moment is that John is going to think I'm complaining, and I'm not.

I just saw him the other night at Largo. We had a lovely hang. Do you want to do some bits and make it your show? Because I love doing bits with you. I kind of forgot that we were doing that. Well, I had a few questions. I wrote down, you look like what they used to stuff antique sofas with. But they stopped because people were going blind. You look like that substance.

Well, here's the thing that you and I, and we talk on the phone quite a bit. We talk about these kinds of things. We probably talk four times a week. Yeah. In my current hour that I'm touring with, I talk a lot about my relationship with my dad. And I said, it was really helpful the other day

because I wrote this line that was kind of- I thought about it the other day doing dishes. It was emotional for me to write this line about my dad and realizing that my whole life I wanted to be my dad. And at a certain point, I realized that I wanted him to be me. Yeah. It's an incredible joke. And I said to you—

It's not even a joke. It's just a line. It's a great joke. It's not even a joke. There's no punchline. If something's— No, it is the punchline. So, yeah, so I have that thing about my dad,

and then I had this thing the other day, which I wrote in my notebook, but I don't have the joke for it but maybe you have something for it which is my dad always wanted us to raise our daughter to be catholic but like he never went to church right like so like and I think he thinks we didn't notice but like we totally know that's a great line that's a funny line I think I think he thinks we didn't notice. But like we totally noticed. That's a great line. That's a funny line. I think he thinks we didn't notice. I think he thinks we didn't notice. Wait, can I ask?

Were you at church? Yeah. And there's just an empty space? Yeah, it's not fair. Where dad should be? No, he never went to church. He never went to church. It would be me, my mom, maybe my brother, maybe my sisters.

And right before we went to church, my dad would sort of tuck away in his little study area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the joke is, I don't have it fully fleshed out. It's like, it's not like he was doing like noble doctor stuff. I mean, he's a doctor, but he was like smoking a pipe and reading a book about World War II. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was his me time. That was his church. Yeah. It was his me time. Yeah. And church. Yeah. It was his me time. Yeah. And then I have this joke. It's a half a joke,

but it's like, I have that nostalgic, I have a smell memory with pipe smoke. Of course, yeah. Because it was this thing that was so meaningful. It meant that my dad wanted to be

away from his family and not talk to anybody. And of course, this folds into how you relate to that now. Of course. Like, I feel like 20 minutes later in the show and you say, and this is how I tell you I'm this close to buying a pipe. Oh my God. Blackout.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Because you figure out that that, one of the things I've realized about my dad, and I'm saying this in hopes that- That's a good idea, by the way. That's a good pitch. I'm only silent because I'm like thinking it,

I'm mulling it over. That is a good, there's potentially a good callback there. I think the initial joke itself isn't there yet. The thing I just pitched you isn't there, but I think it's an interesting tableau. We were talking about the justice component of jokes.

You talked to me on the phone. Yeah, yeah. The other day you made the point which is my joke that I just said right now, and it's sort of an early form of it, has justice for both parties. It's justice for me

and justice for my dad. It actually makes a point for his side of it. One of the considerations for an audience is justice for my dad. He actually makes a point for his side of it. One of the considerations for an audience is justice. I agree. And I think that's pretty funny. So when you kind of shit on your dad or make fun

and then he gets this last laugh, I have a lot of that in my current act. That's great. So I have this joke about, and I told you this, but I have this joke about how I'm parenting my daughter more gently than I was parented. If I fell at the playground in the 80s, they would just say, you're okay. And I would be like, oh, thanks for denying my reality. You know, that sort of thing.

And now I show what modern parenting is, which is like, you're having a hard time. I actually do kind of a you voice. You're having a hard time. You are really having a frustrating feeling. And the only way to express yourself was to set a fire in my study I get that but then I go it's moments like that

that I wish a portal would open up and a Charles Dickens style ghost would come take my daughter by the hand and whisk her to my childhood so she could see like I want her to know but I don't want to be the one to tell her so the ghost would come out and say

let me take you to a time when Peter's father apologized to him. They go in the portal. It's perfect darkness and silence. And my daughter goes, but spirit, there's nothing here. And he goes, of course, because it never fucking happened. That's well and good. You can take the fucking out of it, by the way. Yeah, but see, I'm not in this to take the fucking out.

Okay. Because it never happened. Yeah, you're not wrong. You don't need it. You're not wrong. You can write a clean joke that's that good. Take it out. Take it out. Pray to God. Well, here's the justice. Okay. I'm not a prude.

If you have to say fucking a joke, if it's important for the joke, great. If it's not important, take it out. Do I have prude face right now? Sorry. Yeah, I think so. Is this prude face? Yeah, I think it is. I'm doing prude face. The next line is I go, every time I've wanted my father to apologize to me for hurting my feelings,

I end up apologizing to him for having hurt feelings. Beautiful. And then the way that I make that a laugh is I go, I know that's not funny, but if you leave feeling a little less alone, that's also my job. It becomes this big, nice moment. Beautiful. And then the way that I make that a laugh is I go, I know that's not funny, but if you leave feeling a little less alone, that's also my job. It becomes this big, nice moment. Yeah. And then I go, and then a portal opens up and my father comes out of the portal, takes

me by the hand and takes me to his childhood. He's six years old, already has three jobs, and he's taking a break eating a glass sandwich. You've told me that like three times and it always makes me laugh. That's the justice. That's the justice. It's great.

And then I go, there's a callback because I call my father, oh, Captain, my Captain, at another point in the show. I go, I'm sorry, sir, oh, Captain, my Captain. I guess every story has two sides. And that's justice. There's an interesting dynamic going on. I think it's beautiful.

I have another joke that I just remembered that I haven't put on stage yet about how in the 80s, dads were like the villains in animated films. They're like, rah! And now dads are like the bird who flies ahead and goes, the coast is clear! That's very true.

Yeah. No, I try to make it very clear that I like- You think it's funny or is it nothing? No, I like it. Okay. Dads were the villains. Maybe something else. The coast is clear.

Well, because I look at my dad, and I look at not even just my dad, every damn dad I know in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts, and I go, these people were terrifying. Yeah. These people were, where I would not cross one, these people were terrifying. Yeah. These people were, were, I would not cross one of these people. No. I would not say a word out of turn to any of these people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look at the dads now, they're like, are we going, Trevor? Are we heading out?

Oh, we don't have to. We don't have to. Yeah, you can keep playing for five or six hours. Yeah, you can keep doing whatever. Oh, you're eating five chocolate chip muffins? Yeah, I think you can do that. That is so right on. Let's say I tell Leela, don't eat that cookie. And then she eats it. I go, Leela, it's a pretty good cookie there, right?

It's like there's no. No. And I wonder if we're's a pretty good cookie there, right? Yeah. Like there's no. No. And I wonder if we're going to get bit in the butt. We are. No, we are. I don't know. I think. Well, who knows?

I actually am not sure. I actually don't know. I don't know. I think all of the values that we value might not be relevant. You're absolutely right. As relevant. You're absolutely right. In like 10 years.

Yeah, yeah. I get that. Meaning sharing. Sharing? No, sharing is real. I don't think sharing is going to- I thought you were going to say something insightful. Then you go, maybe we won't value sharing.

Maybe we won't value kindness. The world will be customized completely to you. The way that it already sort of is now. I'm talking about a virtual world. Oh, interesting. I'm talking about it'll make a movie that you're in starring other people that you want with the music that you want.

If something is hooked up to your brain and knows when you're releasing pleasure chemicals, it can make a symphony of perfection. And the fact that you and I were just kind of walking around in the dark going like, maybe this book, maybe this movie, maybe this record will be a joke. And all of the things that we learn about sharing

is based on like scarcity. It's like based on there won't be enough. But if you're living in a virtual world where there's a chance. Yeah. But I think I'll push back on you and say that that's what punk rock was, right? Punk rock was an answer to the Beatles and disco. And it was basically like, no, no, no, we're not doing that. We're smashing these instruments and we're expressing what's in our soul. Yeah.

And nobody told us to do it. And you think there'll be a punk revolution. There'll be a punk rock version of digital algorithms, I think. I can only dream, but I think... Yeah, I'm just concerned, and I don't want to turn this into a futurist podcast because I don't really know what I'm talking about. None of us really do.

But I think anything that you know this thing could know and then be like, where do you want it to be? Punk rock? Do you want to tell me to go fuck myself? It'll be like, it'll do whatever you want. All right, what's a thing about your relationship with your dad that you've never talked about on stage that you think about sometimes on a loop,

but you're like, I can't say that on stage? Hmm. Well, Val and I have talked about fight-flight fun, which I think is pretty funny. What's fight-flight fun? Fun is how I manage my folks, as I tell them how great they are. Oh.

So it's fawning, like fawning over something. That seems very kind. Fight-flight-free is fawn. It is kind, except it's a little bit tricky. If you're fawning to prevent a situation, it's not necessarily the most... Like, if I found out you were fawning to prevent a situation, it's not necessarily the most... Like, if I found out you were being nice to me because you were afraid that I might say something

that would hurt you, that's different from if you were just being my friend. Right. It's a little disingenuous. But maybe when your folks are in their later years, it's kind of a nice thing to do. I actually, my dad and I are in a great place. You know why? Because I get ahead of it,

and now I'll just text both of them a kind word. That's nice. And I like it. But it is a little bit, when I say manipulative, it's my attempt at keeping things sort of copacetic. Yeah, I get what you're saying. I mean, my thing with my dad is, and I said this to you the other day on the phone,

is I go, and I'm experimenting with saying this on stage, it's like, my dad grew up in the 40s in an Italian neighborhood in Brooklyn, went to med school on the GI Bill, and worked on a military base in Texas for a decade. And I'm just realizing we're not the same person. Yeah, yeah. Like, how did I miss that?

That's a premise that I never tried, is I never knew how bad my dad was at spelling until we started texting. That's funny. But it's because I thought my dad was like the Pope. I thought he was infallible. That's great. And then I was like, oh my God.

That's great. Have you done that? I think that's very funny. Yeah. I think when you see this new hour, you'll see I have a lot of dad stuff. No, no, I get it. I'm just trying to, for the sake of the podcast

and for the sake also just of your hour, I'm just trying to squeeze out of you. What's the thing? Because I'll try to do the exercise myself. It's like, what's the thing that you think about your parents, but you wouldn't say because you're like, maybe that's a bridge too far. I don't mean to compliment myself, but that line, every time I've wanted my dad to apologize to me, I've ended up apologizing to him, is as close a shave as I can manage. Yeah. It's like tricky to say. Yeah.

You know what's my close shave that I'm sort of, I don't have a joke for yet, but it's just a truest. I wrote in my notebook the other day because I know that this is the thrust, you know, for people who haven't seen my shows,

generally there's some kind of theme. It heads towards a main story yeah and so i'm always in this case a lot about my dad it's all about being a dad and and having a relationship with my dad as he's in the latter part of his life and i'm unpacking these things about my dad where i'm going all like the only time my dad was interested in what I was doing was when it had to do with academics and sports and I wasn't great at sports so I cheated at academics wow that's very good not bad right I like it I did I did cheat in school in eighth and ninth grade. Oh, me too.

Quite a bit. And I feel like I want to unpack it. I stopped in high school. I did too. I stopped in sophomore year. Why did you stop? Well, I went to a very hippie. My joke about my grade school was no grades.

You either got a hug or a slightly firmer hug. We called our teachers by their first name. I loved it. It was great. Very empowering. But I also realized it was kind of like how we're parenting our kids. I realized, like, I can just look at my neighbor's paper. Like, we were sitting very close to each other,

and I was just like, I don't know, and I don't want to get a bad grade. So I know I just said we don't get grades. We did get grades. Just not a bad grade. So I know I just said we don't get grades. We did get grades. Just not a report card. I have two instances where I was sort of lying and cheating in that span of years. One of them was a track meet

where I qualified as the St. Mary's School 50-yard dash champion. So I went to the town track meet. And so my mind was like, I'm going to make my dad happy. I'm going to make him proud. I'm going to win the town track meet. It's like everybody in town in Shrewsbury. And the starter gun goes off or whatever it is. I swear to God, it was like a puff of smoke, like a cartoon.

It was like everyone is gone. They're not even in like a cartoon. It was like, everyone is gone. They're not even in the same race. They're like, done with the race. I'm starting the race. And so what I did was I pretended to fake an injury. I just fell down. That's exactly what I would have done. I go, my toe, my toe.

Who has a toe injury in a 50-yard dash? You're really in a very sweet spot because there's a thing that we do, and I'm guessing your dad did it, where they're like, pretending about the toe is better than facing reality about the race. Yes.

So they allow it. Yeah. It's like when a kid doesn't want to go off the high dive and he's like, I have a stomach ache, and you go with it. Yeah. Because it's just too hard to be like, or are you scared? Because who the fuck says that? Yeah, and then this is another one that's a little bit more sad,

which is ninth grade, all-boys school. I get beat up. All-boys Catholic school, I get beat up by this guy on the football team really bad. And then I became a mark for his friends. They would come up to me at the locker and punch me in the face. What? I'm not even kidding. I'm not exaggerating.

I'm not kidding. I became you know... A speed bag? I was a speed bag of sorts. I hate that. I'm making jokes. It was awful. And the school didn't do anything about it. Because it's Massachusetts. Right.

It's Massachusetts. They're like, haven't you heard of us? It's Massachusetts and the Catholic Church. Have you seen our work? That's very good. Maybe that. That's good. Maybe that's a joke.

That's good. Have you seen our work? Have you seen our work? Always nice to meet a fan. Oh, you were complaining. You were complaining. Always nice to meet a fan. Oh, you were complaining. You were complaining. Always nice to meet a fan. Oh, you were complaining.

We noticed mine's been punched in the face. Always nice to meet a fan. Oh, God. I remember, and I have this memory where I was in ninth grade. I was in the computer lab writing an article for the school newspaper about the Aviation Club. And the title of the article was Aviation Club Soars Into Orbit. Can I just say, I'm dead. Every detail.

And knowing that a punch is coming. Yeah. I'm dead. Little Mike Birbiglia in his Velcro New Balances in the computer lab. It also made me realize how much of our lives was spent

at the computer lab with the one shared printer. So then this kid comes in and he's like, you know, Archie Cavuto's looking for you and he's gonna kill you. And I was just like, I don't even know, Archie Cavuto's looking for you, and he's going to kill you. And I was just like, I don't even know who Archie Cavuto is.

Well, that's part of the problem. Archie wants everyone to have a certain feeling about him, if you understand. So I was sort of, at this Catholic school, I was sort of on the run. And what I started to do, and it was sort of an act out of sorts is i would just cheat on tests yeah it was sort of my way i said of saying flipping the bird to the school like i don't care about the school i'm just gonna cheat i'm gonna this is why child psychology and school

psychologists it's all real yeah in the 80s 90s were like, get the fuck out of here. I'm like, it's real. Yeah. You were so disempowered. Yeah. I went through a shoplifting phase. Oh, really? Same time. Shoplifting? It was a stress.

I was trying to have some control. What'd you take? The highest end toward the end of my career was pornography. Oh, wow. We would steal Playboy magazine. Wow. Thank God I didn't get a club magazine. I feel like I'd be a different guy if we had gotten one of my career was pornography. Oh, wow. We would steal Playboy magazine. Wow. Thank God I didn't get a Club magazine. I feel like I'd be a different guy if we had gotten one of the hardcore mags. Oh, gosh.

Club. I don't even know that one. You don't know Club International? No, I just remember the more extreme one. Look at my face. I'm a straight guy and I'm still like... No, all I remember that was the extreme one when I was a kid was like, I think, Hustler. Club's a notch up. Oh, it's a notch I think Hustler. Club's a notch up.

Oh, it's a notch up from Hustler. Wow. You seen buttholes in Hustler? I don't recall. Then you didn't see no buttholes. You remember your first glossy butthole. Anyway, the point is I'm trying to, you know, and this brings in the working it outside of this,

is like when I'm working on jokes, a lot of times it's not the funny part that I start with. Of course not. A lot of times it's what do I not want to talk about? You made me realize that the area is my parents. I'm going to my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. And I think I've talked to you about this because it's weighing on me. Yes, yes.

And I go, I feel like a prisoner going to the warden's birthday party. That's how I feel. And I've said it many times in life because it's a real... Have you done it on stage? No. Very funny.

Why are you doing it on stage? The little boy in me is like, don't say that. Avoidance. Well, in the movie of my life, I give a toast at the if I were a Mike Birbiglia movie I'd get to the wedding anniversary

and I'd give a roast like I would roast them I feel like we're celebrating everything that broke me and they would love it too like I wouldn't want to I really really don't want to humiliate or embarrass but there's a certain mood they can be in,

but I don't know if they'll be in that mood. And that's the feeling i have written down in my notes that i could work it out with you uh calling my mom is difficult it goes in these phases we open with technical difficulties that's funny she can't hear me i that. We move on to environmental difficulties. My father won't turn Jeopardy down. This is all real. I've never called my mom and just gone. It's always like she answers on her watch.

Yeah. She can't find her phone. She answers. She goes, oh, PD, why can't I hear you? This is so funny. She's sad. But she gets sad. She's like, I'm pushing the button,

and I'm like, it's on the side of the phone. There's a volume on the side of the phone. Then there's the airing of grievances, which is her complaining about whatever she and my father got into. Then there's the fall report, how many times she fell this week. This is good.

Then there's the unsolvable, solvable problem. This is a. Then there's the unsolvable solvable problem. This is a reliable segment. Your father keeps leaving town and leaves me home alone. I will suggest a solution and this will deeply offend her because what she really wants

is to fall and die so she can tell my father, fuck you from beyond the grave. That's good. Like, she wants to be a victim. Like, she doesn't want, because I was like, Mom, you could hire more people to be around the house, check in with you.

She doesn't want the solution. She's like, I'm going to fall and your dad won't be here. And then I forget that she's kind of twisting her mustache. This seems great. I mean, I think right now you're a little bit on the page. Like, you're a little bit reading. I've never done it before. No, I know, but I'm just saying.

But here's the thing. Oh, no, I understand. I'm only saying it because I'm not laughing audibly, but I'm actually like taking it in and loving it. Here's the last one. The misunderstanding.

This is the final piece. Did you get the butterfly gift? Yes, it's great. We're growing the butterflies you sent in the habitat. She goes, that's not what I got the butterflies you sent in the habitat she goes that's not what I got you I sent a book oh yes we got it thank you

my mom says I don't need you to thank me I just want to know if you got it that's funny I love this from the person who accused me earlier in the conversation of just reading voicemails that's hilarious and it ends with the accidental callback. If I talk to my mom 10 minutes after the phone call,

she will call me back. And I'll answer and she'll say, sorry, I didn't mean to call you back. That'll happen between one and four times. That's very funny. I think that whole run's great. You gotta do it on stage. Yeah, I'll try it.

I think it's gonna be great. Oh, thanks, man. I had something on religion because you're so hip to religion I like being hip to religion well I have one which is I think that every religion is an answer

to something about the world that we don't understand which is why I like Hinduism because I don't understand elephants either it's like are they

aliens? are they animals? I would do it differently I mean they got the trunk and it's like a straw and a fork and an arm it's like yeah that should be a religion that's very good not bad right? I like that it went a should be a religion. That's very good. Not bad, right?

I like that. It went a different way. Just for what it's worth, I would say religion is all trying to explain the universe, which is why I like Hinduism because the universe is fucking nuts. And Hinduism is the only religion that's like, I don't know, maybe an elephant's in charge. That's better. Yeah, it is better. You want to hear my...

Yeah, your religion. Okay, I'm going to tell you the God joke. I believe in God. Don't get me wrong. I don't think God exists. That would be insane. To exist means to stand out from the ground of being. I think God is the ground of being.

That's what that one means. I believe in this. You know, this. Yeah. You know. Yeah. This. Yeah. That's God. That's God. Reality means. I believe in this. You know, this. Yeah. You know. Yeah. This. Yeah.

That's God. Reality. Consciousness. Some people say there's too much sadness, too much pain, too much chaos, too much confusion for there to be a God. But what does the plot of a movie have to do with whether or not someone made the movie?

I think that's funny. You would never say there's too much sadness, pain, chaos, and confusion in this movie, therefore no one made the movie. The movie just spontaneously arrived out of blackness for no reason whatsoever. It's too sad. Yes.

Like, if it was a nice movie, you'd think something made it. Like, if we were all having orgasms 24-7 and eating lobster rolls, listening to Jimmy Buffett while sitting on warm chocolate bidet fountains, we'd be like, yeah, there's a God. Someone planned this. There's a liquid dessert being shot at my tush. Who cares? Who cares if it's nice or not? It's here. There is a movie. We have to deal with that. Just because

it's not the movie you would have made doesn't mean something didn't make it. The content has nothing to do with it. There is a movie and you're in it. Like, it's funny that all the arguments you can come up with for there being no God, you come up with them in reality. That's the funniest thing I can say to you. You come up with them in reality. Like, you use the mystery, consciousness, your existence, to say there's no mystery.

Consciousness is the mystery. Yeah, that's right. It's like we're all pens and we're filled with this magical ink that makes us aware and gives us life. And some of us use those pens to write, this is bullshit. Yeah.

It's like characters in a book arguing for the existence of an author. Of course, there's no author. Characters in a book can't find the author. Yeah. The author isn't in the book. Yeah. Even if the author writes a character named the author, that's not the author.

That's a hint that there might be an author that's as good as we can get. Of course, there's no God. You're not going to find God here. You're not going to find author in a book. Congratulations. You're hired as our deacon. I know, it is a homily, isn't it?

Contact your local priest or deacon. I know. It is a homily, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. Contact your local priest or deacon or Pete Holmes. Yeah, you know, even as I'm reading it to you, that's the first time I've tried it. It's good. You think it's good?

It's a good run. I mean, I think it's like, I think your final version is going to be a third of what... That's what I was going to say. A third of what it is. It's a third. Which is, by the way,

for the creative listening that's mine that's my ratio you want to have something i like it's going to be a third of what i wrote this is real working it out shit do you want to know the real the real real of my process i'll go on stage with that i won't memorize it and what i say that's the joke it'll just kind of come yes the pressure of being on stage i'll go i believe in god don't get me wrong i don't think it exists. Some people think God doesn't exist. But what is the plot of a movie because it's too chaotic?

It's that. And then the third one is the author isn't in the book. Yeah, the author isn't in the book is my favorite part of it. That's the part where I locked in. Me too. I came to life too. Yeah, this is what my director, Seth, always talks about. It's like, he doesn't talk about things in relation to, too. Yeah, this is what my director, Seth, always talks about. It's like he doesn't talk about things in relation to I love it, I hate it,

I like it, I don't like it. He just goes, I was in here, and I fell out here, and then I was in here, and then I was really in here. And for me, it's when the people in the book don't know there's an author. But what gets tricky, Mikey, is that I believe that God is consciousness, and that's really hard to kind of explain. I kind of don't want the wrong God element. When I said this to Val, for example,

she's like, it's giving me church douche chills because calling God the author of reality is a very churchy thing to say. What's interesting, I was talking on Working It Out recently about how in some ways and this goes back to our our other conversation in some ways about algorithms is like we've i've had rami yusef and and alex edelman on the show recently someone who's very serious about judaism someone who's very serious about islam and uh in some ways i feel like people who are devout religious people,

and yourself included. I'm not devoutly religious. Well, you're serious about your faith. Sure. And I think being serious about your faith, I think in some ways is the new punk rock. I know. Isn't that funny?

It is. That's a funny take. It is. Yeah. What do you got? I got more premises. Why? that funny? It is. That's a funny take. It is. Yeah. What do you got? I got more premises. I love doing your show. And you're doing my show.

I love doing your show. Do you want to hear this one? Do you think that we're doing a good job of fulfilling both podcasts? Of course. You think so? Haven't you noticed? Yeah. Oh, this is a chocolate vanilla swirl.

Oh, it is? Okay, great. Oh, here's one. My relatives are from the South. They're from Texas. And they act like they're more country than they are. Yeah. They're like, what is that?

What is a quiche? Like a pot crust, but it's egg in the middle? Yeah, that's exactly what a quiche is. You know what I mean? Like, you know. Yeah. What, do you preheat it to 350, put a bunch of eggs in there with some veggies? Yes. What is do you preheat it to 350, put a bunch of eggs in there with some veggies? Yes.

What is a crepe? Like one of those really thin pancakes? What is a scone? What's a scone? Like a really hard, crumbly muffin? Yes. You knew. You knew the whole time.

Have you done this? That's new. Oh, that's gold. That's the first time. Oh, it's gold. You know, it's funny. I have a, I'm playing, I'm playing Georgia this summer, and this is a, I have a Georgia

joke, which is, um, sometimes, there's sometimes parts of the country you go, and you just don't know what they're saying, and they're speaking English. Like, I was in Georgia once, and I was in this parking lot, and this woman goes,

and this is to the best of my understanding, she goes, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, hat. And I was like, oh no, because all I understood was the hat, you know? So then I, dip, dip, you know? So then I... Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, a hat! And I go, what?

And then she goes, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, a hat! And I'm wearing a baseball cap, and so I'm like, must be something with the hat. You know what I mean? And so this is 100% a true story. And I just go, yep, this is some kind of hat. And she goes, nah. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, hat.

And I walked away from her slowly and waved. And I thought, I guess we're never going to know each other. It's been minted. That record went gold. Do you think so? It's on my wall. It's so funny. I've that that record went gold do you think it's on my wall it's so funny i i've had that joke i love that i've had that joke in my back pocket for two years every now and then i do it it will tell me thematically how it how it fits into

the my damn show because sometimes i have these jokes like that where i'm like this is so funny to me but i don't know what has an but I don't know what it has to do with I don't know what it has to do with my dad and being a dad it's nice to be in Brooklyn you know some places you talk English but you don't understand the whole country speaks English

but let me just say it's not the same English when you do it it's a nice little it's the sorbet before the main course there you go right I would do it a little differently than little it's the sorbet before the main course there you go right I would do it a little differently than that it would be more in the universe

of like you know every city is special people the sometimes the dialects I don't quite get I actually think

if if you're a stand-up stand-ups listening who care my opinion there is no easier or more natural opener, and I'm not alone here,

than saying I was just here and this is what happened. I was just in Georgia and this is what happened. It's the only natural way to start, actually. Here's how I'm going to sum up what's happening today. And I think it's beautiful. I feel like for the Working It Out listeners, this is a lot of working out of, this is really, truly truly when we invented the show

this is what we wanted it to be yeah which is peek behind the curtain of what comedians actually talk about you can say it i'm the only one who does the show right i didn't say that you Working it out for a cause, what's an organization you like to support? We will link to them in the show notes and contribute to them. Homeboy Industries is my go-to. I love them. Oh, yes, Homeboy Industries.

I did that last time I was on the show. That's great. Yeah. What does Homeboy do? Homeboy is the largest gang rehabilitation center in the country. It's not far from here, actually. That's incredible.

Tattoo removal, get it off your face, job training, homeboy bakery. It's beautiful. Yeah, it's awesome. I love that. Awesome. I love you. I appreciate you having me on Weird Working It Out.

Weird Working It Out? Yeah. Nice. Weird Working It Out. Would you say Keep It it out? Yeah. Nice. Weird working it out. Would you say keep it crispy? Yeah, keep it crispy, my fellow comedian friend. I love you very much.

I love you. Yeah. Tell John I said what's up. I'll try. It's really busy over there. They have like a lot of stuff going on. Just a lot of moving parts. It's like TV.

You wouldn't understand. It's like show business over there. You know, it's not something you'd understand. I don't know if I said it last time, but you look like the photograph Matt Damon tapes to his treadmill to motivate. You've said it and it's still funny. It's still funny.

It's still funny. Keep it. Keep it in. Keep it crispy. Keep it crispy. Keep it in. Working it out because it's not done.

Working it out because there's no... That's going to do it for another episode of Working It Out. You can follow Pete, of course, on Instagram at Pete Holmes. His tour dates are there. Honestly, no one is funnier live than Pete Holmes. If he comes to your town, you can find it on PeteHolmes.com. You will lose your mind laughing. and his latest Netflix special is called I Am Not For Everyone I adore it I love Pete, I love his comedy you can hear the unedited version of this

over at P. Holmes' You Made It Weird podcast check out berbiglia.com to join the mailing list the full video of this is on our YouTube page at Mike Berbiglia all of those episodes from the last year. It's one year of full video episodes.

This is a huge anniversary, including the first one was Ira Glass, way back when. Our producers of Working It Out Are Myself, along with Peter Salamone, Joseph Birbiglia, and Mabel Lewis. Associate producer Gary Simon. Sound mix by Ben Cruz. Supervising engineer Kate Balinski. Special thanks to Jack Ananoff and Bleachers for their music.

They are on tour. They have an amazing new album. Special thanks to my wife, the poet J. Hope Stein. Her book, Little Astronaut Audiobook, is available now everywhere that audiobooks are sold. Special thanks, as always, to our daughter, Una, who helped me build the original radio fort made of pillows, which made the sound so nice and plush. Thanks most of all to you who are listening. If you enjoy the show, please rate and review over on Apple Podcasts. You know what?

Here's a great idea. You could even say, I enjoy this more than Pete Holmes's You Made It Weird. And you could say you like that show too, but you could, it would be sort of fun if you said it's even, I love Pete Holmes, but it's even funnier than Pete Holmes' podcast. We have almost 150 episodes of Working It Out now. If you've missed any of them, oh my gosh, Tig Notaro,

John Mulaney, Roy Wood Jr., Stephen Colbert. The archives are phenomenal Rami Youssef since 2020 we have done almost 150 episodes they're all free no paywall we've had incredible guests so check all of that out

thanks most of all to you who are listening tell your friends tell your enemies let's say you're with one of your enemies you're sitting on a corner and you're serving your enemy a glass sandwich, to coin a phrase from Pete Holmes. And you say, hey, just so you know, there is glass. There is glass in that sandwich.

So you really shouldn't eat that. And, you know, there is a great podcast that I enjoy. And it's where creatives talk about their process of working out new jokes and premises. And maybe even you and I could try that sometime. I'll see you next time, everybody. We'll be working it out.