Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 138. Tig Notaro Returns: Clown Cars and Lesbian Party Buses

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

Mike welcomes back old friend and Working It Out hall of famer Tig Notaro. They discuss the inevitability of finding your own comedic voice, how Tig had to come out as gay to her own children, and the time her brother fell into her stepfather’s grave. All that, plus tales from Tig’s lesbian party bus with Sarah Paulson and Allison Janney.Please Consider Donating To: World Resources Institute

Tig Notaro, we are honored that you're here. We are honored to be here. We always talk about you here at the studio as our dream person to be in the studio because we remotely did an interview many years ago and it was a riot. Well, thanks for flying me out here. We did not fly you out.

That is the voice of the great Tig Notaro. I am thrilled. All of us at Working It Out are thrilled to have Tig back. She is a riot. You might know her podcast, Handsome, that she does with Fortune Feimster and Mae Martin. She was on this podcast a few years ago. She tells like three stories on the pod today

that I can't stop thinking about. She's just a phenomenal years ago. She tells like three stories on the pod today that I can't stop thinking about. She's just a phenomenal storyteller, fascinating life story. You're not going to want to miss it. She had big news this week. Her special, Hello Again, was directed by her wife, Stephanie Allen. And Stephanie was nominated for an Emmy

for directing a variety special. And then I don't know if you saw this on my Instagram, but The Old Man in the Pool was nominated for an Emmy for directing a variety special. And then I don't know if you saw this on my Instagram, but The Old Man in the Pool was nominated for an Emmy for writing for a variety special. I am beyond excited. I am so appreciative of Seth Barish and all the whole team that created The Old Man in the Pool. And thank you for being a part of the process with this podcast and coming out to the live shows and watching it on Netflix and telling your friends and telling your enemies, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am creating the next show right now. I'm on tour. Please Stop the Ride is the name of the tour this week. I'm in Sag Harbor for five shows. In the fall, I'm in Red Bank, New Jersey at the Count Basie. I added a third show in Portland, Oregon. I'll be in Philadelphia. That's going to be a super exciting show.

Minneapolis. Madison is a gorgeous, gorgeous hall. Same with Milwaukee at the Riverside. I've never played there before. I'm so excited. I'll be in Indianapolis at Clues Hall, which I love. I'll be at the Fillmore in Detroit, which I love. There's so many cool, cool theaters on this tour. The Ryman in Nashville. I'll be at the Tennessee Theater

in Knoxville. I'll be in Asheville. And I wrap up the year in December in Charleston, South Carolina. All this on burbix.com. We will be adding cities in January, February, and the finale, breaking news, the finale in March. We're going to be probably adding like five or ten more cities. So definitely join the mailing list at burbiggs.com to be the first to know. I love this episode with Tig. Her new special on Prime is called Hello Again. She's in a Netflix documentary called Outstanding, which I highly recommend,

which shines a light on queer stand-up comedy. She and I both appear in a documentary called Group Therapy that just premiered at Tribeca. And she directed a movie with her wife, Stephanie, called Am I Okay, starring Dakota Johnson, that is streaming on Max. Love talking to Tig. Love her storytelling. Love the way she tells a story. Just a one-of-a-kind person and comedian. Enjoy my chat with the great Tig Notaro. We're working it. You have a social disease

that I think I have as well, which is your jokes are some, your voice sounds like you're joking in every sentence and sometimes you're joking and sometimes you're not. So it puts it on the onus on the listener to discern which are jokes and which are not. Look, I always say when people are like, are you kidding?

I'm like, I don't even know. I have no clue. You decide. You decide. Do you ever have that really go south? Like you talk a lot in your special about how you sometimes mishear something and it leads to, to paraphrase Shane Lee,

you're describing the heights of various actresses in Big Little Lies. And you didn't know Shailene Woodley was the name of an actor. And so you thought you heard she leans. Yeah. And then you go, I dated someone who hunched because they were tall. Yes. And that led to a very awkward interaction. Yeah.

My wife and Reese Witherspoon were in the meeting just staring at me like, why would you, after Reese was saying that Shailene is 5'8", why would I then respond with, I dated a woman years ago that hunched. I couldn't stop thinking about that since I saw the special. I can't stop thinking about that conversation. And then the original person who hunched. Yeah, was Nicole Kidman. No, no, but you're saying you dated someone.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Who hunched? Yeah, with my ex. She reached out saying, hey, I heard you have a new special. And I was like, oh, yeah. And I do mention, not by name, but I do mention you. And I haven't heard from her since. But we don't talk regularly.

Yeah. Hopefully she's dealing with that okay. You allude in the special to being attracted to a fireman. Yeah. And who has a mustache like this down the sides of his lips didn't know I was into

Mike we can cackle about it all day this was not a joke I was so I know you know but like it is not a joke I felt

I mean it makes me, when I think about it, I was truly, I didn't realize at the time, I was bleeding internally. Like gushing blood internally. And he carries me out. When he lifted me up and was holding me in his arms, I truly was like, I melted. I could barely even think about my pain. I want to ask you a question about that in relation to the thing I'm working on in my new hour. Because I have a thing where Jenny and I were renting a house over the holidays and the heat went off. And there was no one who could fix it. And then eventually like a

third person comes and his name is Trevor. You're not handy? No, I'm not. I mean, it's embarrassing. Are you? I'm not, I don't lead with it, but I can do things. Oh, interesting. Stephanie also in the pandemic, you know, nobody's coming to the house. And so she fixed our garbage disposal. She put together a cabinet. And I was like, where were you hiding all this dike-a-doodle-doo behavior?

Sorry? Dike-a-doodle-doo behavior. Let me just look that up. You don't need to. Let me just look that up. You don't need to. Let me just. Oh, is it back there? It's on the back of the sheet.

Oh my gosh, what does it say? It's one of my questions. I had not heard that term. Is that an invented term? Yeah, I invented it with beakers. With beakers?

Oh yeah, with beakers. I don't know. In a lab, in a science lab. Yeah. With beakers. With beakers? Oh, yeah, with beakers. In a lab, in a science lab. With beakers. With beakers and test tubes. But I thought you were going to say testicles. I'm thinking about the fireman. Oh, right. Okay, so the reason I brought this up is I was attracted to the guy who fixed our heat.

And my question is, I don't know. I don't know. Even more funny to me than me being attracted to a big and hairy fireman. I think I love you even more than I, not like, oh, a straight man is admitting that he had an attraction. But there's just something about your precious little face telling me that you're attracted to this man fixing stuff. Do you think I'm brave? Uh, no. Okay. Next question. Now, the reason I bring it up is, do you think that there's a relationship between the fireman, and this is to give context, it's in the context of you had a medical incident.

Your wife calls 911. A fireman shows up, and he carries you out, and you're attracted to him, and you have these great jokes about it. But I had this attraction to this man who fixed the heat. I heard about it. Do you think? Do you think? is related to how helpful the man was? No.

Like, is that attractive? Is that aspect of it attractive? No, it was purely his big strong arms i think whatever you know they say sexuality is a spectrum i feel like whatever deep deep level i can be attracted to a man whatever aligned everything that needed to align got me to that level it was a fleeting moment but it was there okay and it felt very much just like when when women talk or anybody talks about like a big strong man picking you up or holding you or whatever it was. Whereas normally the thought of like a man holding me, I would be like, no, thank you. Hard pass.

You've been, I was thinking like, have you been doing comedy like 25 plus years at this point? Yeah, I think I'm coming up on 28. 28 years. What about you, I think I'm coming up on 28. 28 years? What about you? I think about 25. Wow. What would you tell your year one comedy self that you know now?

Like, what would you, could you even possibly explain to your first year self what the hell you're doing? I mean, it took me a while to realize that my fear made me, even though I am very low-key, deadpan just in real life, I also have other sides of my personality. And I thought, oh, I guess that's what I am as a comedian.

I'm low-key, deadpan, and I started out doing kind of one-liner-ish things. Yeah. I think I just would have told myself that you don't just find yourself and then necessarily and then just stick to that. You're going to be shifting and be open to things because I did reach a point where I started to want to try new things and experiment more. And I started to feel more comfortable on stage and allowed myself to smile and move. You know, well, because I feel like once you do find your voice, your voice is going to come through whether you do one liners, 15 minute stories, prop comedy. It's just all your sensibility. And I feel like the audience is going to just accept whatever you do because you have found your voice. It's so funny. That's that's sort of often, you know,

Una was in like a play recently and I said to her, I go like, you know, whenever she does like a little theatrical thing, I'm always like, the play is whatever the audience sees. So if you miss a line, they don't know. Yeah. If you don't do the blocking right, they actually don't know.

Yeah. So it's just whatever comes out is the play and we'll all enjoy it. And I think stand-up is like that. I think a lot of times, personally, I just forget that, and then I have to remind myself and go, oh, right, it's just whatever you do. That's the shit.

Yeah, yeah. And yeah, that's such a profound thought of like, your voice is, you can't avoid your own voice. No. And so stepping outside of your typical zone that you're in or it all carries over your sensibility. Yeah. And so once I started to realize that and get comfortable with it, it helped me to be able to grow and change. Yeah.

You allude to this fireman who you're attracted to. Would you... My taste is all over the place. Would you genuinely consider a thruple? No. Why not? Are you interested? No.

Oh, you're not? I'm not not interested. Even if it was me and the fireman? That would be a quadruple if it was Jenny. Me, you, and the fireman. I leave Jenny, it's you, me, and the fireman? I don't think I'm going to accept that invitation, which doesn't exist. He could carry me around and he could fix things for you.

And we could just be giggling, me and you. We're up here in our little podcast room, and he's like. We would giggle a lot. Who wants to get carried out? Jen's joke, Jen's running joke is that people always ask her, is he funny all the time? And she's just like, he's never funny. Not once.

Yeah, yeah. Why do you ask? Yeah, yeah. Why do you ask? Yeah, yeah. Why do you ask? Well, it's funny because you allude to your son being like, I don't want two moms, I want three moms. Oh, right. That's the throuple question.

Which is the throuple. Which is the throuple. Yeah. Yeah, no. I have no interest in that. Stephanie as well. No interest in that. Stephanie as well.

But I do understand the appeal and the different strengths that everybody has. Sure. And Stephanie and I talk about how we, if we ever were in a throuple, all we're looking for, the only thing missing is we need somebody that can put together gift baskets. Yeah, that's a strong component. Or like throw a party. Yes. Yeah, you need an organizer, a coordinator. And somebody that has some, you know, flair.

Can we talk about the party bus? Yeah. Which one? I've been on two. Well, Sarah Paulson posted a video of you and Stephanie, Holland Holland Taylor, Glennon Doyle, Allison Janney, and Abby. Wambach. Dancing on a party bus that went viral. And there were headlines like, Sarah Paulson and Tig Notaro's lesbian party bus explained.

I wrote the headline. I do some part-time work over there. Congrats. At Vulture. My question is, can you explain the lesbian party bus, and can you not leave out the part where Allison Janney breaks your ribs while hanging from a stripper pole? We were going to my show.

I was doing a show in Long Beach, California, I was doing a show in Long Beach, California, and we decided, oh, my God, it'd be so fun to get a party bus. And we hit the freeway and we're flying down the road, you know, listening to the Indigo Girls and what have you. I mean, what else are you going to listen to? And Allison Janney, man, she's a tall drink of water. Yeah. And she's also in phenomenal shape. Yeah, she leans.

She doesn't lean, actually. She does not lean. She is upright and solid. And this woman is like doing upside down pole dances and hanging from the... Oh, wow. She's no joke. Yeah. She's no joke. Yeah. She is no joke.

Wow. Allison parties and she is strong and in shape. So everyone's dancing around, having a good time. And she comes up behind me and kind of lifts me kind of in a Heimlich maneuver way. Yeah. And there's another video where you can actually see when my ribs are breaking. Oh, my God. She picks me up and she's carrying me down the aisle of the party bus. And somebody's filming it.

And as I'm coming towards them, my face just, I'm like, I was in so much pain. I didn't think at all I had broken ribs. And yeah, we arrive at the show and I don't like to get to shows very early. So very quickly after arrival, they got in their seats and I went on stage and I did my show with Broken Ribs. But somebody posted the video and it went viral and it still is making its rounds. Right now, it's Gay Pride Month and I think people are uploading it left and right. And it's become a credit of mine. Oh yeah, it's a huge credit to be alongside those brilliant actors. Yes, on the lesbian party. Many of them weren't even lesbian, to be honest. Allison Janney's not a lesbian,

but I think she could be swayed. Possibly, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think if I were on the lesbian party bus, I feel like they would... Which you won't be. No, no, I'm saying a hypothetical. Okay. If. Okay. If. Okay, let's hear it. Every time I say if,

you cut me off. Let's hear it. If you were on the lesbian party bus. If you were on the lesbian party bus. If I was on the lesbian party bus, I think everyone would get that I'm really cool and sort of ahead of things. I love the idea of the camera panning to you and you're just sitting there like the daikadoodle-doo bus.

This is a slow round. Can you remember a time in your life where you ran away? You're so scared you ran away. Yeah. Can you say it? I mean, to be honest, I almost ran away. Yeah? From Stephanie. Oh. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. And she had not dated a woman before. And she wanted to be friends. And I told her that I would love to be friends. I just kind of can't move beyond. We had kissed one night, and I was after this buildup of like, I think I have a crush on this person.

We ended up kissing. The next day, she wrote me like a 15-page email saying, I really love hanging out with you. I think you're so funny, but I'm not gay. I mean, really letting me down. And then I just wrote back, okay, Dyke. And just like, because I couldn't really argue, you know, but I just was like, oh, I'll just be lighthearted about it.

And I wrote, okay, Dyke, because last just was like, oh, I'll just be lighthearted about it. Okay. Uh, cause last night you were making out with me. You didn't seem very straight. Uh, and so, um, but she was like, I want to be friends with you. And I said, I would love that. I just need a beat because I need to see you differently. Cause I confess I'm a bit goo-goo over you. So let me just kind of pull myself together and I'll come back to you when I feel like I can be friends. And she was like, okay. And a couple of weeks went by and then she reached out to me and said, I would like to see you. And she comes in to my loft downtown and sits down in very typical Stephanie Allen fashion.

She just got up, came over, sat right next to me and said, I want to be with you. And I was so stunned. And I said, what do you mean? And she said, I've missed you. And I just realized that I want to be with you. And I didn't know how to take this in because I had spent the past two weeks just like taking a deep breath and being like, yeah, I can be friends with her. No problem. And she said, but I don't expect you to drop your life. I know I told you that I couldn't be with you two weeks ago. And now I'm saying I do want to be with you. So I want to be with you and I'm here if that is still an option.

And I said, I have a date on Friday. I feel like I should still do that. But went on the date. That wasn't going to happen because Stephanie and I wanted to be together. And about, I don't know, a couple of weeks into our relationship, I went over to her house to say, I can't be with you. Because I was so scared. I went over to her house, uh, rang the doorbell. She opens the door and I was like, Oh God, I can't do this. Like I, and I told her, I said, I'm scared. I am so scared. And so I didn't run away, but I went over there fully with the intention to run away. And then when I saw her,

I was like, yeah, I'll take my chances. You were scared basically of probably being brokenhearted. You were scared basically of probably being brokenhearted. I was so scared of that particular person breaking my heart because I really had not ever seen forever with somebody. Yeah, I remember you were staying with me and Jenny around that time. Yeah, I was out of my mind. You were out of your mind in love. You just kept being like, she sent me this text. What do you think this means?

I was just like, I don't know. It could mean this, it could mean this. That was probably maybe a couple months in when you were staying with us. Well, we weren't together yet. You weren't together at that point? No. We were still kind of texting and it was leading up to when we actually did kiss oh okay yeah I can't believe I almost broke that off what's the best piece of advice that anyone's ever given you that you used

Um, I mean, I, I say this all the time, but it really struck me and it really changed my life. And it's, um, the best gift you can give anyone is a well-lived life of your own. And, um, just how freed up you are. If your parents are happy living their life, your siblings, your friends, your kids, your spouse. If they're really thriving in their life, you are so free. And the same in return, you know. Is there a song that makes you cry? When Stephanie and I were first together, and we had already decided to get married,

we were lying in bed and I had this idea just go through my mind that that is a song we should walk down the aisle to. And it's John Denver's Sunshine on My Shoulder. And Stephanie wasn't familiar with it, but I was telling her that there was a line that said, if I could give you a day, I'd give you a day just like today. And that was in picturing the beauty of getting married on the beach in my hometown with the sun over the water. And when I said that to her, we both started crying. You're a full romantic.

You are. Are you not? I mean, I don't know. I think so. Yeah. But like you're a full romantic and it runs in contrast with the tone of your comedy, which is like, eh. Eh, whatever.

Because I'm just talking up here. Yeah, no big deal. Whatever's on my mind. I love my wife. I love my kids. Do you have any jokes you're working on right now that are kind of like half thoughts, half ideas? Well, I have a couple that I feel like have a lot of potential to be more of like a show. Oh.

And one of them is that we were taking Max and Finn, our sons, to school. The drive is like six minutes from our house. And about three minutes into the drive, Stephanie and I are in the front talking about something, saying, oh, yeah. And that's when, you know, then they figured out we were gay. And then I said, I'm gay. I can't remember what we were talking about. And Finn interrupts us and says, you're gay? Okay, this is nine months ago.

Yeah, yeah. We have lived with them for how long? It's been a bit. Right. And we were stunned. We were so confused. And we were like, yes. And he said, what's gay? And I was like, oh, my God.

We are about to drop our kids off in three minutes. Like, it's two minutes now. And I'm like, our kids don't know we're gay. Like, dare I say we're even an iconic gay couple. Yes, I'd say it. Yeah. And I'm like, we're so confused.

And I was explaining what gay was as we're pulling up to the school. Yes. And then I start feeling insecure. Like, are they going to be bummed now that I explained that? I just started feeling insecure. It's so big.

Yeah. And then I said, what do you think of that? And he was like, yeah, okay. And I said, but do you wish your family was different? Or I was, this was so curveball-y. Right. And he was like, no, I love our family. And I was like, no, I love our family. And I was like, okay.

And we drop him off and we drove off like at half a mile an hour, stunned. We were like, our kids don't know we're gay. I mean, there's pictures of our wedding day on the wall. They know they have two mommies. And after we talked about it, we realized having two mommies and wedding pictures, a child doesn't know what gay is. Even though they're around other gay families, they are submerged in all different walks of life. And we kiss in front of them. We're affectionate. Yeah. and we kiss in front of them.

We're affectionate. Their school celebrates pride. They get out of the car with little rainbow shirts but they don't know what gay is. And we were just like, oh my God. Cause at 53, I feel like I'm through coming out. I feel like my haircut and everything speaks for itself. But there I was coming out to my children after living with them for seven years. And so within that, I would love to write more about

that. There's definitely a show in that. And then the other is at my stepfather's funeral, And then the other is at my stepfather's funeral, my brother fell into the grave. So that was... Your brother fell into the grave. My brother and I were talking to the priest. And the priest, and it was outdoor. We're not in the church. We're in the cemetery. outdoor, you know, we're not in the church, we're in the cemetery. And he was like, so who,

he said, it's very casual when there's any sort of speeches at the graveside. And so however you want to do it. And my brother said, oh, well, I'm just going to say just a few things. And I had written out, you know, like five pages that I wanted to say. So the priest said, okay, will you go and do a few minutes and then Tig, you go and then I'll go up after. And my brother walks up and they had the green astroturf over the hole. Yeah. And somebody forgot to put plywood over it. And my brother fell into the grave and my whole family just like jumps up like, Jesus Christ, oh shit, like just like, oh my God.

And he's like, because the turf was there, it like kind of broke his fall. And so he was slowly like going down and then it was like night of the living dead while he's like crawling out of the grave in his suit covered in mud and dirt. And I immediately was thinking, oh my God, this must happen all the time. And then a second later, I was like, of course this doesn't happen all the time. There's no way everyone's falling in graves. And then I thought, okay, well now I have a story to tell.

Did you help bail him out? No. Anybody that came out, he was like, I got it. I'm okay. It was so embarrassing and horrifying. And later that night, as he was going to bed, we were at my cousin's house this was in mississippi and and he was like uh hey uh jimmy do you have any advil and stephanie and i looked at each other like oh yeah i bet i bet he's in pain it's so strange you know because the old man in the pool in a lot of ways it breaks apart death and and how we treat you know how we treat the bodies and embalming and all this kind of stuff. It is a very strange thing that we even do the gravestone and the grave box and all this stuff. I used to panic over this as a child.

When I would be in a plane and looking at the earth, I'd be like, this is going to be filled with graveyards one day. The whole planet is going to be full of graveyards, which is not gonna happen because the planet will not, the planet will survive. We won't, but anyway. To go back to the thing about

telling your son that you're gay. Sons, both of them. Oh, it was at the same time. Yeah, they were both in the backseat. Yeah. To go back to the telling your son coming out to my children right when you came out to your children um it's interesting because that's a lot of what i'm taking apart in my hour right now on the road is like how do we teach our daughter about sex and about drugs and you know i and it's it there's so the expanse of

what you have to yeah convey is so wide and it's like well what's the right order of the things and i and i find myself confounded by it i am absolutely confounded by the sex talk because and i've talked about this on stage i don don't really, I haven't worked it through, but to me, it is psychotic that children would be in their bedroom playing with like action figures and cars and being like, meanwhile, in the other part of the house, you have decided today's the day. Yes. To come in, knock on the door. Yes. And tell them that a penis goes into a vagina. Yeah.

And children, or there's other ways children are made. But that actual talk of sex. Yes. And their mouth, I'm sure, agape. Yes. Horrifying. It's almost abusive. It's like.

It's abusive. Yeah. The truth is abusive sometimes. Yes. Yeah. Similarly, when I was reading them a story when they were five, Finn interrupted me and said, are you a boy or a girl?

I was, again, stunned. are you a boy or a girl? I was, again, stunned. And I said, well, what do you think I am? And he said, I think you're a boy. And I said, no, I'm a girl. And he said, yeah, but you look like a boy. And I was like, yeah, I guess so. And then I went back to reading. I was like, oh, my God, my kids don't know if I'm a boy or a girl.

Little did I know. They didn't know I was gay either or what gay was. When are you teaching these kids? I mean. What the hell? I do not. And meanwhile, I think Stephanie and I are actually doing a really good job. You're not.

Okay. Well, it is so confusing. You're the worst parents I know. But there's so much assumption that you assume kids know or they're picking up on. And they might pick up on things. But there are these, and I'm sure people listening to this will be like, come on, I'm gay. My kids know I'm gay. Right.

Or my kids know what gay is. Okay, we forgot to sit down and say we're gay. Or talk about. By the way, criticize Tig in the comments. Yes, please. You won't be the first. I have one because I talk a lot about this. How do I teach my daughter about this, this, and this?

I was walking down the street and there's a lot of smoke shops here. She looks up at the title of one of them and she just goes, Dad, what's the good life? I was like, I don't even know. It's not what I'm doing. Then I'm trying to explain, well, there's drugs and people take them and sometimes it makes their brain go faster and sometimes it makes it go slower. And I can't really think of any of the downsides, actually. And I've used them, but I don't a lot.

But sometimes, when I was younger, not your age, but like three years older than you. Anyway, that'll do it. And it's like you really don't, you realize, I find that when you have a child, if you have a child, you realize how little you know. That's been my experience. Well, I have an idea for a game show that has come out of that idea.

Because whenever our kids ask a question, whether it's, what does this word mean? Or anything, anything, even if it seems so simple. whether it's what does this word mean or anything. Anything, even if it seems so simple. Yeah. I always, I love this moment. I turn to Stephanie and I just go, yeah, what does that mean? Yeah, what does that mean? And I love to hear her stumble through defining what something is or what it means or, you know, what is religion?

Yeah, Stephanie, tell us, what is religion? And so, I always picture the game show as somebody having to answer those kind of questions from kids, like adults having to come up with their definition. And then, and it's several different parents that are having to describe what a word is. Do you have a name for the game? No, I don't. That's a great game. I think so.

And it's so awkward and funny to watch. And it's like an unspoken thing where when a question comes up, Stephanie gets a smirk on her face because she knows I'll turn and go, yeah, let's hear. What comes up, Stephanie gets a smirk on her face because she knows I'll turn and go, yeah, let's hear. What is that, Stephanie? And it's not because it's necessarily vulgar or uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable because you are having to be like, well, you know how when that kind of moment is so fun to watch her stumble through.

That kind of moment is so fun to watch her stumble through. The embarrassment of being a parent is unlike any other embarrassment. Oh, so embarrassing. Here's a story that I haven't put really on stage. Humiliating. But it's Jenny and I said to Una a few years ago, we were like, what do you want? What would be the most coolest thing that you could do on your birthday? Because it was their sixth birthday.

She goes, I want you and mom to dress up like clowns. Jenny and I go to a costume store and we get full clown makeup and we get noses and everything and horns and we wake heres and everything, yeah, and horns.

And we wake her up on her birthday, which is a huge mistake. And it was as though it was a dream. She immediately starts crying. We're dressed up as clowns, fully as clowns. And we were like, we're so sorry. We thought you wanted us to dress up as clowns. And she goes, when I said that, I meant I would walk you around town with you dressed as clowns and everyone would laugh at you. Not wake me from my sleep. Yeah, Not wake me from my sleep.

Yeah, not wake me from my sleep. And that's when I realized that Una wanted to be my manager. She wanted to get 10% on top of 100%. That is unbelievable. Yeah, it was funny. But I think the larger theme of it is like being, she wanted to be on the inside of the joke. Yeah.

Like it's that thing of like being in on the joke versus on the out, like us dressed as clowns, she's on the outside of the joke. Yeah. It's so embarrassing. Jenny and I are so like, oh, what were we doing? It's just. That is so, I'm jealous. I'm jealous. I'm jealous.

You're jealous of which part? That you have that story to tell? Yeah, it's absurd. Yeah, it's pretty great. Because parenting is just a series of mistakes. And it's just, which mistakes are they? Because your parents made a series of mistakes and you're currently, and I'm currently,

making a series of mistakes. And just, which ones are they? Yep. Yep. And honestly, I mean, I don't know. We probably won't know for 10, 20 years. Yeah. I know.

I always say, like, you know, people, I did one of my HBO specials without a shirt on for half of it. Yes, of course. And people are, you know, they'll come up and be like, oh, you know, you're badass or you're brave or whatever. And I, after having kids, I think, are they going to be excited about that? Are they going to think that's cool? Or are they going to be like, why did you take your shirt off?

You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, that's not like my biggest concern, but I just do think about things I've done or said or who knows how they'll interpret things or how they'll feel. No, and even like I have it with my dad. I talk a lot in my new show

about my relationship with my dad and how as I got, when I was a kid, I felt a distance from my dad because he would shout and, you know, he was in and out. He wasn't around a lot. My mom was much more present. And then when I got out of college, really all through my twenties, we had really stark political differences and it became increasingly tense. You and your father, your parents? My dad. Yeah, not my mom.

But my dad. And it's one of these things where sometimes I think like it is somewhat inevitable that, like my dad was born in 1940. We're definitely not the same person. He went to medical school and did a residency on an air force base in texas like we don't have the same life experience it's just not yeah the same and it's and if of course i say this in the pete holmes episode but i uh of this podcast but but i say it for my whole life and it's currently in the show i go for my whole life i wanted to be my dad and then at a certain point I realized I wanted him to be me yeah and that's um that was a that was

something I'm coming coming to grips with now yeah because there's a series of years where I feel like that was my intent but I didn't realize it. That's interesting. Like the opposite of that, I had a conversation with my stepfather when we were leaving after we had buried my mother in Mississippi, we were driving off and he, um, he is a very, he was a very stoic person and, um, wasn't very supportive of my career. And I was a failure dropout. And he just didn't, he didn't understand at all. And when we drove away from my mother's funeral, he was so emotional and he was crying. I had never seen him cry before. And he was apologizing for, he had told me also that I had, that I was wasting my time and intelligence with my career and I should go to business school and all of this. Oh my God, I was going to tell you that.

You should go to business school. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. And I was, of course, devastated because I had thought he supported the idea of what I was doing because I had found a loophole in life and I was telling jokes and I was doing better than most people that I grew up with that had gone to college. But no, in his mind, it should be a particular way. And so he was crying and apologizing as we left Mississippi. And he said he shouldn't have said what he said to me. And he wished that he had been more, taken more of an interest.

that he was and who raised me was actually capable of thinking the degree that he did. And what he said to me was, you know, I was projecting what I thought a person should do in life. I was putting importance on things that he, like the path in life that you should go on. I was putting that on you and I'm sorry. And he said, and I'm realizing now that it's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who their child is. And he said, and I didn't do that. And I'm so sorry. And this is through. That's so beautiful. So beautiful. So beautiful. And I can't believe that was in that person. And I was like, how is my mother

not alive to see this? Cause she supported who I was. She thought I was cool. She loved that I was like driving around telling jokes in South Dakota and living my dream. I feel like that should be in the show. Yeah. In the next show. Yeah.

That's just a beautiful snapshot of life. And it's so much the lesson I want to learn in being a parent. When I'm looking at Max and Finn, not putting on them what I want or hope. I'm trying to not- Learning who they are. Yeah, to like really learn who are you. Yeah.

And that's been life-changing for me. It's not going to get any better than that, so we're going to end now. All right. Sorry to bother you. In the end of every episode, we do Working It Out for a Cause. And if there's a nonprofit that you'd like to support, we will contribute to them. We will link to them in the show notes. Wonderful.

Is there a group you can think of? Yes, World Resources Institute, because they're an environmental charity. And I just want to say that I, of course, think political causes and social causes, all of that, everything is so important, but we must handle environmental issues. Otherwise, other issues are not going to matter if the planet is gone. In the comments, I think it's important that people point out to Tig

that she's really overlooking certain political causes for the sake of this very egocentric environmental cause. I'm open to all complaints and comments. That being said, we will contribute to them. I appreciate that. We'll link to them in the show notes. Tig, you're a beautiful them. I appreciate that. You're a beautiful person. And I you, sir.

I am so thrilled that we're friends and I appreciate you being here. I love being friends with you. I am inspired by you. And thank you for having me on the show. on the show.

That's going to do it for another episode of Working It Out. You can follow Tig on Instagram. It's a long walk for this one. The handle is at the real

fluff notaro. That's right. Tig Notaro is at the real fluff notaro. Find Tig's live tour dates at TigNation.com.

Listen to her podcast, Handsome. You can also watch the full video of this episode on our YouTube channel at Mike Birbiglia. Make sure you subscribe because we're posting more and more videos. Check out Birbigs.com to sign up for the mailing list. The producers of Working It Out

are myself along with Peter Salamone, Joseph Burbigly, and Mabel Lewis associate producer Gary Simons. Sound mix by Ben Cruz, supervising engineer Kate Belinsky. Special thanks to Jack Antonoff and Bleachers for their music. Of course, my wife, the poet J-Hope Stein, and our daughter Una, who built the original radio fort made of pillows. Thanks most of all to you who are listening. If you enjoy the show, rate us and review us on Apple Podcasts.

We're approaching 4,000 ratings on there. It's an exciting milestone. We've been doing this show for four years. And go back and listen to the episode. If this is your first episode of this show, we've done almost 140 episodes, and they're free. No paywall. We've had Quinta Brunson,

Gary Gullman, Seth Meyers, Nick Kroll. Check out our back catalog and comment on Apple Podcasts, which is your favorite because that helps people find out which one they should start with. Thanks most of all to you who are listening. Tell your friends, tell your enemies, even tell your kids. Your kids might be confused. It is a grown-up podcast after all. Your kids might say, well, what is the Working It Out podcast? And you just have to be like, we're just about to drop you off at camp. I don't know if there's enough time to explain this, but it's an iconic podcast. It's just a longer conversation. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time.