Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 15. Jimmy Kimmel: This Week He Hosts The Emmys, But First....He Works It Out.

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

Last year Jimmy Kimmel cooked Mike meatballs and then Mike dropped them on Jimmy’s front lawn. This interview goes better than that! Join Mike and Jimmy for a candid chat about schoolyard fights, right wing hit jobs, pre-existing conditions, and people who claim to not like pizza. Also, Jimmy has listened to all the episodes AND HAS NOTES. It’s a good one. Enjoy. Please consider donating to: St. Joseph Center https://stjosephctr.org/ Children's Hospital Los Angeles https://www.chla.org/

Can I hear you? Can you guys hear me? Yeah, great. Okay, great. Okay. Now I'm wearing two pairs of headphones at once. Hey, everybody. It is Mike Birbiglia. We are back with another episode of Working It Out. This week with Jimmy Kimmel. He's hosting the Emmys on Sunday.

And he's with us this week. It's crazy. He's an old friend. He's someone who really championed my career early on. And I will always be grateful to. He's a brilliant comic and host of Jimmy Kimmel Live. I do want to plug one thing before we go further. If you're in the tri-state area, this Wednesday, I will be doing a Working It Outdoors show, Working It Outside with Mike Birbiglia and Hasan Minhaj, who was on this show a few episodes

ago. We are outdoors at Monmouth Park Racetrack in Oceanport, New Jersey. I know that sounds a little silly on its face, but I did a show with John Mulaney there a couple weeks ago, and you'd think, Mike Birbiglia, John Mulaney at a racetrack, what's that all about? It was really fun. I think people who went to it were thrilled, and I was thrilled, John was thrilled,

I think Hassan's thrilled. I think it's safe. It's socially distanced. So get some tickets now before they're gone. And now enjoy a really nice conversation with an old friend, Jimmy Kimmel. We're working it. When you did radio, did you used to work your own board? Oh, well, yeah, when I did my own show, yeah.

Sure. It's so funny, like, because you worked in, like, all different, you lived in all different cities and did radio in all different cities, right? I lived, if you want to hear them, I'll rattle them off for you. Yeah, sure, yeah, of course, yeah. Started in, actually started doing college radio in high school in Las Vegas. And I worked, I didn't have a job, but I called into a commercial station. Vegas, Phoenix, Seattle, back to Phoenix, Tampa, Palm Springs, Tucson, LA.

Those were the markets I was in. And of course, somehow you've been pinned as very Hollywood. Oh yes, I'm very Hollywood. I'll tell you the worst part of the whole thing was I got married when I was 20 years old. Wow. And that was the worst part. No. And I got married when I was 20. And my ex-wife decided that we would register, as people who are in their early 20s do, for China. And that was our wedding registry, was China. And so almost everyone got us a place setting that was valued at like $87.

And I was very upset because 87 was a lot of dollars. That's a lot of bucks. And it was 1987, yeah. And I thought, you know, we could use money is really what we could use. Right, exactly. But every time I'd get fired

from one of those radio jobs, I had to pack up the china that we literally never used one single time. Oh my gosh. And I had to carefully pack this china in a bunch of boxes and move it oftentimes completely across the country. Oh my gosh. And I had to carefully pack this china in a bunch of boxes and move it oftentimes completely across the country. Oh my gosh. If there's one thing that encapsulates my

overall frustration at that age was dragging this china from city to city to city. I don't even know where it is. I have no idea where it is. I'm sure it's in a garage somewhere. That's a riot. Yeah. I feel like that is like quintessential, the childhood thing and adulthood thing that you feel like you have no use for is fancy dishware. Yeah, and not only that, when you're 20 and you wind up getting married, I played no role in the wedding whatsoever. I mean, basically I

went to Costco, I bought a wedding ring and that was it. And, and so I didn't know how things were supposed to be done. So I took my ex-wife and my mom's word for it that yes, you must have China. I mean, you, if you're married, you have to have China, you have to have a hutch to put it in. So we carried the China and the hutch everywhere. Wow. Yeah. How is your, I mean, are you even on vacation? I mean, you've been off, you took off from the show since part of, like, midway through June, I think?

Yeah, exactly. How has it been? Because I feel like that's the longest vacation that I know of that you've ever taken. This is the longest vacation I've had since I was 13 years old. That's a long stretch. Although if you count the nine months after I was fired in Seattle and couldn't get another job, I guess that was my longest vacation, but it wasn't really a vacation. It was very stressful. Yes, yes, yes. But yeah, this is the longest vacation and I found plenty of work to do on my vacation because I'm in the house, you know, and what are you going to do? But I'm hosting the Emmy, so that has taken up part of it.

And then even just the day-to-day work of the show, not having to do that has been a – it's just – it is relentless, and you don't realize how relentless it is until you get to stop doing it. And you go, oh, wow. And I'm the worst too, because like when I'm working, you probably know this. Like if you send me an email or something like that, I get right back to you, right? I mean, I'm- Yeah, yeah, that's true. It's true. When I am not working, it is like nine days will go up.

People think I'm dead. They're like, what's going on? And it's just hard for me to break that seal and get back into my computer using it for work, you know? Because what were you doing? Did you, like on your vacation, did you go fishing? I did. I went up to Idaho a couple of times.

Mostly we sat around the house. We bought an RV. And when I say we bought an RV, I bought an RV. And the only reason I bought one was because there were none for rent. It was impossible to find one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That makes sense. And I thought, oh, yeah, I would love to have a Winnebago. Even though I have nowhere to park it, I would really like to have one. So I bought one, and my wife was suspect. But it turned out to have one. So I bought one and my wife was suspect, but it turned out to be great. It really was great. I mean, I got two flat tires and

in Hurricane, Utah, which is spelled hurricane, but they all say hurricane and had to have those replaced. But other than that, it was kind of a dream. Oh my gosh. I recommend it. That's how you ended up on the podcast because you texted me that you were listening to the podcast in the Winnebago. You know what?

I might only be alive. We're not for you. I'm not sure that I would be alive right now because it was, long story even longer, I wind up, it's like two o'clock in the morning and I'm still driving this RV and my wife, Molly, and the kids are sound asleep. They've been sound asleep for hours. And I'm now visualizing a fiery crash. I'm having all these horrible thoughts to

keep me awake. And I thought, oh, let me listen to Mike. Because I never have time to listen to stuff. So my drive to work is three miles and I really don't have a lot of time to listen. So I thought, let me listen to all of Mike's podcasts. And so I listened to all of your podcasts. And here I am, still alive. Yeah, because I was like, and you texted me that you listened to them. You're alive, which is the most important part of the story.

But then I said, you should come on the show. You don't do stand-up comedy, but I feel like your slow round answers would be enough for the episode. Well, I have a lot of thoughts on the show as I was listening. Please, yes. We always want thoughts. Well, none of them are negative, really. But I feel like the essential premise of the show, working it out,

I feel like, and I've listened to all of them. I feel like nothing gets worked out, really. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it kind of gets a little worked out, but it never gets worked out. To me, getting worked out, it means you've settled it at the end. Oh, I know you're right.

You know. That's a totally fair critique. I'd be remiss if I didn't say that Una wanted me to say hi to Billy and Jane. Oh, yes. Una spent some time with Billy and Jane when we were in Los Angeles, and she loves, you know, because Jane is like a big sister to her when, you know, she's... I have to apologize to you, and I should because I know we talked about getting the kids on a Zoom, but I have to say the most unpleasant experience that we have

is trying to get our children on a Zoom because my daughter has, you know, she's got school Zoom, which are crazy, by the way, which are completely unnecessary as far as I'm concerned. She's in kindergarten. Like, what are they really learning in the first place? Why do they have to sit in front of a computer

from 9 o'clock in the morning until 2.30 in the afternoon? And then we have to sit in the room making sure she's watching the computer. It's like, I feel like I'm torturing them by making them sit

in front of the computer. It's a weird thing. They hate it. It's very strange. Yeah, last night, Una was playing games on the computer, which I'd never seen her do, and I go to Jen,

what's she doing? She goes, well, for... The school said that she has to learn how to use a computer. She's five. You know, so she's learning from, like, you know, peg and cat games on the computer. We got a form today emailed to us that it's like one of these from like, you know, peg and cat games on the computer. We got a form today, email to us,

that it's like one of these like agreements that you have to sign, but it's for the children. And the agreement, and boy, I wish I had it right in front of me right now. But the agreement is, it's like legalese. And it's for the children to look at about, I understand that things i see on the internet aren't necessarily true just because they're on the internet and wow i mean it's really

completely unnecessary for a six-year-old to be able to distinguish between the russian bots putting information on facebook or something but uh it is i I mean, I looked at it, I was like, is this, am I nuts or is this crazy? I mean, this is just crazy to me that, you know, I mean, basically what you're supposed to tell your kids, don't talk to strangers, don't give out your phone number, don't give out your real name and kind of that's it, right? I mean, at this point at age six,

but there are so many rules now. There was a scam that my parents sent us the other day. They were like, is this okay? It was this really well-designed Amazon email that was like, you ordered this $3,000 computer and this $1,000 router just to make sure you don't get charged. Call this number to confirm. And my parents, of course, thought it was real. And then mentioned, you know, emailed me and my siblings. And then Joe, like my brother Joe, wrote this long email explaining like what

this is. And he's my brother's like it's almost like his part-time job is just debunking phishing scams that target my parents. It's horrible. Don't you feel like, I mean, I've had, and I'm pretty savvy when it comes to the internet and this sort of thing. And there are emails. And weirdly, they're always a little off. It's like they'll take a picture of the text instead of scanning it or instead of, you know. Yes, exactly.

I'm looking at this form right now. I pulled it up. It's, I will keep my passwords private and only share them with my family. This is for children? I will tell a trusted adult, if anyone online makes me feel uncomfortable, sad, or unsafe. Oh, gosh.

You know, I mean. Oh, my gosh. I will not pretend that i created something that's not actually my own work so we're the kids have to sign a form saying they won't plagiarize which not one of them can spell nor i um billy billy and jane more likely Jane, taught my daughter guess what chicken butt. Oh, yeah. Right. And then also the follow-up to that, which was just I think guess what? Nothing.

Guess what? Nothing. And then so that stuck for like months. It's a classic. I've actually optioned the rights to that. I've actually optioned the rights to that. I've actually optioned the rights to it. I'm working with Pixar right now for Guess What Chicken Butt. Oh, you could do Guess What Chicken

Butt as a feature film for sure. A hundred percent. Actually, edit this out of the podcast so we can make millions off of it. Do you remember a smell from childhood? is there anything that sticks with you yes there are two things and one of them is my grandmother making uh we call gravy you know spaghetti sauce yeah you could smell it when we would pull into the driveway i could smell it and it would make me ravenously hungry instantly. And my grandmother

would give me a bowl of gravy and a, like half a loaf of Italian bread. And I just sit there and mop it up. And she loved that. I loved it, you know, because for everyone else in the house, it was just dinner tonight. And for me, it was something that I feasted on and also where I learned that it's okay to eat like a whole loaf of bread in one sitting. I think the other smell is being punched in the nose. The blood smell? Yeah, you know that weird smell and it's kind of pleasant,

like you kind of enjoy it? Being punched in the nose has like a special numb feeling and a smell associated with it that i associate with my childhood i got punched quite a bit as a kid did you get punched as a kid a bit you did yes a lot um in brooklyn especially there was a lot of fighting it was almost like a sport but there were a couple of big kids around the block named eddie fahey and tommy black who would uh who were like three or four years older than we were and they just come over and beat us up sometimes i do remember

like once it was snowing and um they came over to beat us up me and my friend mark and um and and one and it was snowing with the soul with the sole intention of beating you up. This kid, I forget if it was Eddie or Tommy, but one of them grabbed me by the back of the hair, like a whole handful of hair, and rubbed my face into the cold, snowy sidewalk hard. Oh, my gosh. Where do you learn that? I guess from a big brother or something.

Yeah, or a dad. I mean, that's the thing I had to come to grips with. In ninth grade, I got beat up by, I say a fake name because it's for legal reasons, Joe Grigioni, this guy really came after me hard. And he just really beat the crap out of me. He's from Worcester, which is a tougher town than Shrewsbury, which is where I live. And he just beat the crap out of me,

threw me down and just punched me in the back of the head over and over again. And it was really traumatizing. And there was a lot of follow-up other people beating me up because they heard he had beat me up you ever see that the chain reaction beat ups where they go oh no he's good to beat up he's good to practice on but but yeah and it was this weird thing where i yeah i would get punched at saint john's school

like quite a bit but one time a friend of mine rich this guy rich who lived who who sat in front of me i don't know if you had this in classes sat in front of me in every class because his last name was bn cooley and my name is berbiglia i had paul kaplan and tyler kilner always my two friends he's just he's just every class every class rich bn cooley and uh and one time he said to me he goes well you know because i was so upset about getting the crap beat he said to me he goes well you know because i was so upset about getting the crap beat out of me and he goes well you know the thing with joey is like i don't think his dad is so nice to him you know wow and it was one of the it was one of these things where yeah even being in ninth grade i could see like ah man that that's surprisingly insightful for a

young person because i i didn't have thoughts like that until I was, you know, I'm just now having them for the first time. That empathy. Stepping away from Jimmy Kimmel to send a shout out to our sponsor, Magic Spoon Cereal. Didn't know what Magic Spoon Cereal was. They sent me a whole variety pack, cocoa, fruity, frosted, blueberry. It's got no sugar. It's got 11 grams of protein. Now I'm addicted to it. Now my whole staff of this podcast is addicted to it. Mabel and Peter and Joe. If you go to

magicspoon.com slash brubigs with the promo code brubigs at checkout, you get free shipping. I would try it. It is addictive and you'll thank me and you can thank me on Twitter or whatever. All right, back to the show. Do you have an injury that you've had in your life that you felt like would never go away? I have one that will never go away, and it's the dumbest injury. And I'll show it to you next time I see you. But I have a weird gelatinous lump on my shin, on my right shin. And it was, I had these heavy-duty chili bowls from the pottery barn and, you know, you make chili what, like once a year. So that once a year came and I was trying to separate one bowl from the other bowl. They were stuck together. And I pulled the bottom bowl and

smashed onto my shin and caused like, yeah, kind of a geyser of blood, but I didn't want to go to the hospital. And so I laid around the house for about 12 hours bleeding before I finally said, okay, this is not going to stop on its own. But now it, you know, it's no big deal. But now when I step down, blood fills this, it's a weird hole in my shin and blood fills it and it bulges. And it's really, if you notice it, you'll never be able to look at my legs again it's gross it is a gross movable lump i have to say look in some ways to be married to you is your what a dream right oh yeah in some ways in what ways some ways in many ways in many ways that escape me right now however

there are other ways in which you are a doozy of a person to be married to because you have just in this conversation named two incidents one having to do with the RV and the other to do with a geyser of blood in your shin

where you're like yeah I'm not going to go to the hospital. Yeah. Well, you know what? I'm optimistic, and that does not always serve me well. I always think it's going to be fine. Like somebody's like, hey, you know, I just want you to know I've got cancer, and I'll be just like, it's going to be fine. And, you know, I don't say it to them because I know they don't want to hear it, but in my head, it's going to be fine.

It's going to be fine. I just keep like thinking it's going to be fine. And I wish that visualization meant something. It means nothing. I understand that, but I cannot, um, I just don't want to have that negative thought in my head. And I, I just, I know that I know eventually my parents are going to die. My grandparents are all dead. I know whatever, but it's not happening any time. It's not in the plan really like none of that stuff. And so stuff like bleeding, I figure, Oh, it's going to stop. I don't need to go to the hospital or, um, do you really need to put unleaded in a car that says unleaded only? Wouldn't it be cheaper if we put regular in there?

Yeah. And then you wind up in the middle of a field being towed by two scary guys. But I do think that that's probably part of what Molly appreciates about you is that you're the person in the marriage who says it's going to be okay and because she's in my relationship i have the oh she is too okay i think so i think so but in

my relationship it's like i feel like in every marriage there's the person who's like the sky is falling and then there's a person who's like it's gonna be okay and in my marriage i have by default become the person who says it's going to be okay and lately i'm not convinced you know what i mean and like and and and so that's been i think that's one of the most challenging things since march has been like going like yeah i don't know i'm not sure i feel the same way i i don't want to say it's going to be okay because I'm not certain that it is going to be okay. And we all know what it is. It is everything. Yeah, it's everything.

And it's funny to look back on the things we were worried about like five years ago. I mean, like five years ago, I was putting a bucket in the shower so that I could reuse the water to water the plants and stuff because I was you know I was like oh my god we're gonna run out of water now I'm like the hell with the water we're getting everything else this is the least of our problems but I really was like you know I mean that's the stuff we had the luxury of being worried about things that are

now seem fanciful yeah yeah do you have any but don't worry mike everything's gonna be okay thank you thanks for saying it um do you have a name do you have a neighbor from childhood who was particularly memorable i had a guy live next door to clito named ray and ray all my neighbors were memorable but Ray was a drunk and like, he was a drunk, like an Andy Griffith show type drunk. Like he was, you know, just always drunk. And his hair was, he had like, he was about 70 years old, but he had a huge head of hair, white hair. And he was always wearing a mechanic's jumpsuit, even though he was not a mechanic. He was retired. But Ray would sometimes have conversations with Cleto's dog, Springer. And he, for whatever reason, thought Springer's name was

Brandy. I think there may have been a dog in his past named Brandy. And so he would constantly call Springer Brandy. And I remember a conversation that I listened in on and recounted to Cleto's family, which was, Brandy, you're a crazy, crazy dog, but you'll never have any pups. Because you're a... Meanwhile, Brandy was a male.

I mean, Springer, not even... But he had a long monologue with the dog that I remembered as best as I could, and we used to say it over and over again. Ray. You're never going to have any pups. How come?

Well, there was never a plan for the dog to have pups. I think he wanted a puppy from Brandy and was unable to get it and was commiserating with the dog. But there was Ray. Yeah, we had a lot of characters. We had a guy named Mike Schilling who we used to babysit for, Cleto and I. He would pay a dollar an hour, not to each of us, do $1 an hour. And for whatever reason, he had a dog too named Shamus.

And for whatever reason, we thought it would be funny to clean up, Shamus. And for whatever reason, we thought it would be funny to clean up. Shamus had crapped in the yard to scoop that up and to put it in. Mike had a hat hanging on a doorknob. And so we scooped the dog shit up and put it in his hat and rehung it carefully on the doorknob. And in our minds, Mike would maybe a few days later, grab his hat and dog shit would fall out. And he'd be like, how the hell did Shama shit in my hat? Oh my gosh. It's so funny because you, to your core, love pranks. And it feels like it goes to childhood.

Like it goes to the shit in the hat. This guy, Mike, he had a, it was a Hanukkah bush. It wasn't a Christmas tree. It was a Hanukkah bush. And he tried to throw it out. You know, you just put it out on the curb and the garbage men would come once a week and they'd take your Christmas tree.

So Mike would put his Christmas tree, Hanukkah bush out. And that night, late at night, Cleto and I would sneak over to his house and we'd take it out of the garbage area and we'd stuff it right against his front door, like jam it into his front door. And so the garbage man would come in the morning and they wouldn't take the tree. And he'd be like, how the, why is this tree in my front door? And we did this for, in my imagination, we did it like 11 weeks in the row. But to the point where Mike on garbage, the night before garbage morning, would sleep on the

couch by the front window. And we would, even though we were in school and getting up at six o'clock to go to school, we would stay, we would outlast him and we would wait until those lights went out and we could see him sleeping when once he fell asleep we would tiptoe across the street and again take the tree and jam it in his front and we just thought this was the funniest goddamn thing in the world and finally he threw it in his car and took it to the dump or something and it ended but it was a good prank while it was going you just have i feel like you have pranks in your bones i just it makes me laugh so hard i don't know what it is i know it's terrible i know a lot of people have no taste for it but like if i were to see like i just remember being in college and sitting uh in the cafeteria and there was a really

big glass wall it wasn't a door. It was a wall. And people would walk into it all the time thinking it was an open space. And I would just sit there and watch. Like this was my entertainment. I would sit there and watch people walk into this glass. Wow. And I'd be crying laughing.

It was, you know, it's just, I don't know what it is. It just, it does, that stuff makes me laugh really, really hard and always has since I was a young boy. I think at its core, it's like a people-watching hobby. Yes. But it's people watching with experiments involved. With a surprise punchline at the end. Yes, with a twist, with a twist.

I love predictability. Now, I know most people feel the opposite, but I have an Aunt Chippy, my Aunt Chippy, who is, who never disappoints.

And you know, there are people who go like, oh, this guy's really funny. Wait till you see this guy. And then you get the person together and the person's not that funny. You're like,

oh, you don't really know him yet. You gotta, you know, well, my Aunt Chippy, within one minute of meeting her sells it and is exactly what you hope she is and does exactly what you hope she does and i love it when i know somebody and i know what they're gonna do and they do it it makes me laugh and it's a weird thing like

like i i have a friend named mike august who has never picked up the check for anything and and he he almost always drives that's like his kind of contribution if we go to a concert or something but there's no greater joy for me than we pull up to the parking lot at a concert and he rolls down his window and there's the guy waiting to take, you know, for the $20 or whatever. And Mike, and just watching Mike try to like get out of it or get someone else to pay for it. It is, I love, I just love it. I don't know what it is, but I love watching it. I want to do an episode of the show that's dedicated just to voting. Because in April, I was going to do a tour at colleges that encourages young people to vote called Stand Up and Vote.

And so one of the questions I'm toying with is doing a slow round question for it where I ask people, what's a thing when you were a kid that you never cared about, but you care about now? Like, in other words, like, why, why would you bother voting essentially? Well, can you imagine that we have to go around and remind these shitheads to vote? I mean, what the, I seriously should be like, Hey, asshole vote. That's it. Don't, I shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to convince you that this is a good idea. If you're not convinced by now, forget about it. But, oh, yeah, there's so many things that are important now that weren't when you were a kid. And, I mean, yeah, like everything.

Let me think of an example of something that. Do you think your turning point was having children? Well, no. I know that sounds weird, but I feel like when you had Una, you'd gone through a lot and you arrived at that time where you decided you were going to have a kid.

I had a baby when I was 24 years old. It was like the China almost. It was like, okay, yeah, now you're married. Now you have a job. Now you have a kid. Now you have another kid. And that's it. There wasn't a lot of planning or there was no journey to get there. It just, it was just like, oh, okay. Oh, we have a kid. Okay. All right. Great. I was just like, oh, okay, we have a kid. Okay, all right, great. I was into it, but I was also a child. And now I look at my daughter, my oldest daughter, Katie, is 29 years old. She just turned 29, and she's five years older than I was when I had her.

Yeah, that's wild. They have no interest in this when I tell them. I was like, you realize, like, you were five. Imagine yourself right now with a five-year-old and a three-year-old. Okay, that's the, but they don't care, you know, anything that, it doesn't really mean anything to them. But when did things change? For me, weirdly, 9-11 was a time of reflection in my life. And when I realized that we aren't going to live forever,

and I know it's kind of dumb that it takes a big event like that, but I think everybody, you know, you have this feeling that you're invulnerable and you're going to live forever. Same thing for me. I had cancer when I was 19, and from that point on, I viewed the world completely differently. Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, to me, that's a reasonable, that's very reasonable.

And do you think you view the world, do you think that was a good thing for you or a bad thing? Or some mixture? It was good for my career. Yeah, right. It really like made me go, well, I better succeed quickly because I may not be alive at 30. Well, you're an interesting character. I have to say, Mike, no jokes aside, you've been through a lot of, you've had a difficult life compared to most people, but you do seem to be pretty easy going and you seem to be open to a lot of things. I think things that we laugh at, I mean, you know, just your sleep disorder

is something that I know I've asked you a thousand questions about it. I have 10,000 more questions to ask you about. Yes. You know, these are like serious things that you've made into, you know, into art, you know? Thanks. I appreciate it. I mean, I think I'm, easygoing is a complex phrase. Let me give you an example of you. Okay. Okay. Okay.

So when I make dinner, and you've been to my house for dinner. Yeah, yeah. Wonderful. What happens at the end, I always make too much food. You know, it's just a thing, always. And by the way, you know, I really like, you know, when I saw your last name and, you know, okay, we're both Italian.

I feel like Sebastian Maniscalco compared to you, Italian-wise. Yes, you're heavy Italian. But anyway, so at the end of the meal, which I will almost always do, I will say, do you want to take any of this home? Because I almost never eat leftovers because I've been cooking it all day. I'm sick of it by the time it's, you know. And you say, yes, I would like to take this home. And I will just say that I appreciate that. through the whole like uh you know even if you're gonna throw it out or in the in the case of when you were here at my house accidentally drop it on the ground as you as you leave which i still have

the video of you cleaning it all up from my security video i i had dinner jimmy made us dinner which was really nice and then i took meatballs in a box to go and I dropped them essentially on their front gate. And then like, I'd like grab them and like stuffed them in the box. It's a very funny video. I happen to have a security camera in front of the house and, uh, and instantly that's what I went to. But, um, but you know, just to do that, you'd be surprised. Most people are like, Oh no, I don't want, you know, like do that you'd be surprised most people are like oh no i don't want you know like they think it's an imposition um or they don't actually want it or yeah there's always like an art like a thing no it's no but i'll put it in a whatever you're like yeah sure

and i imagine that had you not dropped it on the ground you probably would have eaten it yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah. I don't know. I know this sounds mundane, but I want you to know how rare this is, how very rare it is. Yeah. Well, yeah, I think that I'm – I don't think easygoing is the word, although – and it's certainly not the word Jen would use to describe me because I'm a severe workaholic.

But yeah, I think I would say I'm open. And to get back to the premise of the show, it's like that's the premise of the show is like I sort of take criticism on jokes or pitches on jokes and things like that. And your note about it is that it doesn't get worked out. My response to that would be actually, it's the beginning of a working out that's going to be, that's going to take, you know, a year or two because I don't have an audience. Right, right. I have to, I really, honestly, with my jokes, like by the time you saw the new one, I had put those jokes in front of a hundred audiences.

Right. And so every night I'm tweaking it a little bit, a little bit, a little bit. So in some ways, what people are privy to when they listen to the podcast is they're just listening to me tweak something a little bit. Yeah. Well, I have a different way of, because of the nature of my job where I'm doing a different monologue every night, I never get the chance to refine anything. So, which in a way, it's a blessing in some ways because, you know, I know

I've seen the metamorphosis that sometimes you get a joke and it's pretty good and then you make it great and then you get away from what made it great and you don't know what happened and why it's not as great anymore. And the people who do a really good job of remembering and recording where they were six months ago will go back to it and go, whoa, did I change a word or did I, you know, what happened? Why doesn't that joke work as well anymore? And you're really like a scientist with that stuff, I think. And I'm more of a, I'm just, you know, just grinding the meat and making hamburger patties and then back to grinding the meat, you know.

You have the, so for me, working it out would, the closest thing I get to working it out is having a conversation with one other person about a joke. Right, right, right. Or waking my wife up in the night. Man, you know what's so weird? When I think about you, like, it's a very strange, being friends with you, and I don't know if this is relatable to people, it might not be be relatable but being friends with you is very strange because

you are no no because it is a very normal uh typical friendship that it just so happens that you have a talk show that millions of people watch every night and then also the right wing like smears you with all these crazy like out of context clips and stuff. And so then I'll talk to people like in my family who are like in the sort of Fox News bubble. Right. And they'll go like, what's Jimmy Kimmel? Like you're friends with Jimmy Kimmel? Like what's that?

And I'm like, it's like any of your friends who you like. He's a great guy. You know, it's a very strange thing that I, like, when you think. You know what's even weirder is that I have relatives of my own. Oh, my God, no. Who know me and who love me and who still continue to watch some of these people who say these horrible things about me. And it's hard for me to compute because I go like, hey, you know, like if somebody was saying something about my uncle,

I would, you know, there's no, I certainly wouldn't watch them. I certainly wouldn't keep them on my TiVo, you know. And it's really hurtful when, you know, I don't care about strangers, whatever. I think a lot of people thought I was someone that I'm not based on the man show. And that's, I mean, listen, I take responsibility for it. And they're disappointed when they find out that I'm not who they thought I was or wanted me to be. Sure, sure. But when it's somebody that really knows me and who is able to weirdly separate those two things,

they're able to separate a person who says false and terrible things about me on television and will keep watching that person even though they know those things are not true. With every fiber of their being, they're somehow able to separate it. And it's really frustrating, I have to say. It's especially frustrating for my wife,

who goes like, you know, if you keep watching that, you are not in our family anymore, you know, like that kind of thing. And I just have to believe that they're just not really thinking it through. That's all I can, or they don't think I care, you know, or whatever. Right, or that you're impenetrable or something,

that it doesn't hurt you, but it does. Yeah, of course it does. And also, like, they, you know, they take things that were comedy bits and then they cut all the comedy out of them and they make them like, you know, look at this animal. Of course. And you can't, listen, if you don't know, of course you go know, look at this animal. Of course.

And you can't listen if you don't know. Of course you go, yeah, what an animal. I mean, I might be looking at it and going, well, look at that animal. What that fat animal, what was he up to? Here's some material that I'm working on. Okay, good. All right.

Which is we have, my wife and I have this problem parenting because our daughter is a genius and these other kids are morons. And it's a problem because she's also more thoughtful. And what makes it strange is that we're also geniuses, which makes it hard for us to explain to the other parents because they're morons also. And she's five. She's five. Her daughter's five, and she wants to be an archaeologist,

but I have to keep explaining to her that the money is garbage. And then she wants to be a teacher, and I'm like, good luck dealing with that union. And then she said she wanted to be a veterinarian, and I said, well, 90% of that job is euthanizing cats. And then she moved away with her mom permanently. So we no longer live in the same home. So that's sort of the end of that bit. You know what? I think that's great. And I think that my wife and I will have similar conversations about our children. Your brilliant children.

Especially our daughter. Our son is a full-on maniac. I mean, he will look in your eyes. He will make eye contact with you and you'll say, Billy, do not throw your food. And he will say to you, I'm sorry. I promise I won't throw my food anymore. And you say, okay.

And without breaking eye contact, he will pick the food up on his plate. He won't throw my food anymore. And you say, okay. And without breaking eye contact, he will pick the food up on his plate. He won't even look at it. He will pick a piece of food up and throw it right over your head. Oh my gosh, that's so great. And you know what I do? I laugh and it's the worst thing you can possibly do. But my wife and I,

when we lay in bed and recount how wonderful our children are, we will always say, boy, everyone would hate us if they saw this right now. I mean, like, they would hate us, they would hate our kids. And I found that the only people you can have... They would hate us, they would hate our kids. Yeah, you can only have these types of conversations with your own parents. That's it. With their grandparents. That is like, you can't even have it with siblings

because siblings have their kids and then they start, you know, whatever. You can't have it even with siblings that don't have kids. It still doesn't feel right because it's like, well, you don't have kids. We haven't seen whatever. The only people you can engage in that obnoxious, and really, let's be honest, it's all self-congratulation. It is. Oh, of course. Of course it is.

It is not about the children at all. It's look at me. Look at what I have created. That's it. Look at how wonderful I am. That leads into the next joke I wrote, which is my wife wrote a poem about our daughter's eyes and how they look like little blueberries. And it's beautiful, except that she has my eyes. I mean, I'm like, where's my poem? Like, I could be, it doesn't have to be blueberries. You know, it could be strawberries, kumquats, whatever it is. But it's like, these are the first generation eyes.

Those are the blueberries 2.0. You've known her longer. I want credit for the eyes. These are the originals. I got the original blueberry eyes. You do have strikingly beautiful eyes, I will say that. I've not written a poem about it. Finally, somebody said it.

This is a bit that I was working on that actually I start, that when Judd Apatow was on, he wanted me to, actually, this is a great example of a bit that started with Judd Apatow suggesting I tell the story. And then since I did on that episode, I wrote more. Oh, good. I listened to this. I listened to this.

Yeah, this is a good example of the show actually having development. Working it through, I think, maybe, is you might want to, working it through. Or working on it. So the joke is, I was in Judd Apatow's movie, Trainwreck. I played Brie Larson's husband. Right. And I am criticized for that

on social media to this very day. I am bullied by people who write, Mike Birbiglia is Brie Larson's husband. And I'm just like, who wins in that tweet? Does Brie Larson's husband. And I'm just like, who wins in that tweet? Does Brie Larson just win more? You know, it's like, I'm the person who played her. Yeah, exactly.

I'm the person who played her husband. The plot point of which was that she has settled in her life. The plot point was not that she was marrying up. And I, like a hero, stepped into the role. And I go on Twitter and it says, Mike Birbiglia plays Brie Larson's husband

in what goddamn universe? I'm like, the universe of a movie. The same universe. Do you understand you're watching a movie? The same universe where Brie Larson

shoots lasers out of her fists. Oh my gosh, that's great. And that we don't have a problem with. Yeah. Well, that's a great build because mine was the same universe where Tom Cruise plays a Nazi but doesn't have a German accent. Yeah, that was an interesting choice. Yeah, that was an interesting choice. And then I had, it could be a lot of those, but I like yours because it brings it into Brie Larson's roles.

Specifically to Brie Larson. Yeah, but the same universe where a medium-sized alien heals boo-boos and eats Reese's Pieces. Like, no one's on Twitter being like, an alien eats peanut butter candies? In what universe? You get this a lot. You got this with the Paul Rudd thing, too. Another version of this. I do.

I feel like there's a lot of resistance to me being in movies. It's, yeah. People don't want it. Yeah, no, I don't think they don't want it. I think that people probably identify with you in some way. A lot of guys will identify with you. Sure. And then they will extrapolate, and maybe they see the women that they're dating

or that they're married to, and it suddenly makes them angry. Sure, it's not Brie Larson, yeah. If they meet your real wife, they'll be really mad. That's the thing. Yes, exactly. That they meet your real wife, they'll be really mad. That's the thing. Yes, exactly. That's what I pointed out. It's like, that's actually one of my points, is that Judd Apatow is married to Leslie Mann.

Like, that's his real life. That's his real life. So the idea you can't punch above your weight class, it's not realistic. It happened to me me as you're mentioning i i always say about my wife that i married up you know she's she's gorgeous she's brilliant ideally it happens to all of us i mean that's the way that's the way to go right i mean that's it i mean i feel bad for our wives but of course for us things worked out great. No, I mean, you have a geyser of blood in your shin.

That's not fun to be married to, but you know. No one would want that. My weird little lump. Well, that's what we, that's what, so my wife and I talk about that whole, that married up concept a lot because like I always say, I married up. And she says,, she generously says she married up. And then we were with a couple one time where we were talking about that topic and they said, they both said they married down.

And we were just like, oh no, like you shouldn't be a couple, You know, and we're not saying it, but... Were they joking? No, they were not. They were not joking. And it's not... It's not somewhat... Gosh, I don't want to tip off... I don't want to tip off who it was, but it's like, it was kind of a crazy moment because it was like, what do you even say?

I thought the whole thing was we all married up kind of thing. If you don't... I thought that was the idea. Wow, that's a sad... I don't know how you continue a conversation when both parties say they married down. Otherwise, you'd be like, okay, well, what are we going to do about this? That's funny. That's funny.

What are the next steps? But then I wrote a couple more lines which are like, oh, yes. I do get why it's irritating to people that my character is basically married to a model. But you know what else is irritating? Life. Life is unfair. And just ask anyone with a preexisting condition. And my example of this is for years in my 20s, I couldn't afford health care because I had cancer when I was 19. And I'd be on the phone with like, you know, Kaiser Permanente, and they'd

be like, this is going to be great. We'll just dot all the I's and cross the T's, which by the way, doesn't apply to capital letters. And the woman on the phone says, one last question. Do you have any pre-existing conditions? And I was like, well, you know, I had a tumor. Like, my voice went so high. It was like, I had a tumor in my bladder when I was 19. And I just, I wrote down, like, it's amazing how, given the circumstances, we will downplay a potentially terminal illness.

I was like, yeah, cancer. I had cancer, but, like, fun cancer, like, wiffle ball cancer. I had a little bit, cancer. I had cancer, but like fun cancer, like wiffle ball cancer. I had a little bit of cancer. Yeah. Wow. Which is all to say, and then the way that it lands, I don't know if it'll work. I got to put it in front of an audience,

but it's like, which is all to say that being unattractive is a preexisting condition. So I bring it back to that. Yeah, because it does. You know what? It's good because it does take you on a side road of like, oh, shit, how fucked up is that? This guy had to be on the phone.

He needed medical care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he couldn't get it because he had, through no fault of his own, Cancer News 19. And then you take it back to the joke. It works even better, I think. Yeah. I just want to take a moment to send a shout out to our friends at Helix Mattress. I was skeptical about having sponsors, and then a few started sending me some things, and one of them was Helix Mattress.

And now I am a real convert to Helix Mattress. They give you a little quiz. They match up your type of sleep with their soft, medium, or firm settings. It shows up in a box, which is nice. You don't have to go to the store. So you just get a box of mattress. You open the box and then you have an amazing mattress. Go to helix.com slash burbigs. And if you use that code, you get $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Helix.com slash Burbigs.

I couldn't recommend it more. I think it's a joyous mattress. I'm jumping on the bed. It's a Helix bed. Do you like it? I love it. Now back to the show. And now back to the show.

Gosh, I can't get away from pizza jokes. It's like, I don't know what it says about me that I write so many jokes about pizza. Well, you love it. I love it. It also is kind of a funny word. It is a funny word. Yeah, word. It is a funny word. Yeah, yeah. It's a strong word.

Yeah, I point out in the book that it looks, the word pizza looks like a pizza. It's got the two Zs, which are two slices in each Z. Oh, yeah, right, right. And then it's got the A, which is a slice. The word pizza has five slices of pizza in it which is a rarely is a little known literary device called onomatopizza which is the dumbest joke but my wife loves that joke jen i'm a sucker for the dumb jokes yeah yeah

we are dads after all yes that's right you must never forget that but i wrote this thing i go like after i go uh you know the thing about you know there's there's good pizza and there's bad pizza but there's no ads for good pizza you know because good pizza is confident in their work they're like people will find us which, by the way, a good example of good pizza is your friend, Frank, in Brooklyn has F&F Pizzeria, which is phenomenal, by the way. Right. And my buddy, Chris Bianco as well. Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Chris Bianco is one of the greats of pizza. Yeah.

These are some of our pizza legends. Of pizza. Yeah. These are some of our pizza legends. Pizzas are really, I find that when I'm writing jokes, I have to limit my references to pizza. And sometimes I'll say, let me think of something else because I feel like I've used this as an example too much. But it's one of the few things that is like,

I mean, even bad pizza is not that bad. You know, it's pretty good. And so, and there aren't many things like that. Like when I was on the radio many years ago, I was talking about pizza and a woman called in and says, yeah, no, I don't like pizza. And I was like, I felt like I uncovered, like, a serial killer or something like that. I was like, what? You what? You don't like pizza. You don't like any kind of pizza.

Do you eat bread? You're like, stay on the line. Stay on the line. Making the signals to the police in the background. I was getting angry and a little bit worked up. I really, like, I couldn't genuinely. It wasn't just a bit. I was just like, what?

You don't, what do you mean you don't like pizza? Like what? Yeah, yeah. You know, because even if you don't like tomatoes, there are other kinds of pizza. If you don't like cheese, there are pizza. Like if you don't like bread, which I don't know anybody that,

I know people that don't eat bread, but everyone likes bread. Yeah. So pizza holds a... It's like the word fuck. There aren't... In the world of food, there's nothing more crystal clear than

pizza. Yeah, yeah, that's true. It pops. It pops. It's a circle made up of not triangles, but basically triangles. Yeah, yeah, sure. It's a circle made up of triangles. triangles, but basically triangles. Yeah, yeah, sure. It's a circle made up of triangles.

I think that that's fair. And that's kind of miraculous just to start with. There's a simplicity to the shapes. Yeah, it's perfect is what it is. And there are a few things that express perfection. And I think that's why it comes out of you a lot because it's just something to, I don't know, it's like,

it's something that's to aspire to and that is just always a home run. I made a pizza with Una yesterday. How'd that go? Is completely joyful because as you know, when you can do something with your child that is kind of a home run activity, like, you know, some version of the dough, the sauce, the cheese in the oven will manufacture

some level of success, right? Yes. Yeah. Even if you're not good at it, even if you're not a pro like you or Chris Bianco. And so just being a part of that joy was huge. I mean, there's nothing like it. Yeah, because it's like a lot of the things they do for play, like Play-Doh or whatever, it's like if you could eat Play-Doh, it would be so great because it smells so good. But then you've got this ball of dough and you spread it out and the kids put too much cheese always on it, but you let them. And then for them to feel that satisfaction of something coming out of the oven that they can eat,

it's like childbirth in a way. It's weird. So the joke goes, there's no ads for good pizza. Good pizza is confident in their work. They're like, people will find us bad pizza. It's like, we'll do anything. We'll hire a mascot. We'll stay open till 3 a.m.

You know, there's no ads for Paris, but there are ads for New Hampshire. And then I have this really elaborate analogy. And the question is, how long can you take this ride for? Bad pizza is like someone who you hook up with in your 20s, but you're probably not going to marry. And in your 20s, you start to think bad pizza is good pizza. You're like, this is pretty good.

And then you take some time off from bad pizza, and you try some good pizza, and you're like, oh, my God, what have I done? And at a certain point, you have to be like, look, bad pizza. I don't know how to tell you this, but if you need dipping sauce, you're not good pizza. If you need ranch. And they're like, we'll do it. And bad pizza is like, we'll do anything. We'll stick pizza inside our pizza. And you're like, bad pizza, you're breaking my heart. Don't degrade yourself. I just need different pizza at this stage of my life. And bad pizza you're breaking my heart don't degrade yourself i you know i just need different pizza at this stage of my life and bad pizza is like well you know the number and i'm like well we all know the number it's in the commercials and bad pizza is like we had some

good times you're like yeah we had some good times and then you're like hey bad pizza do you do you really like football or were you just pretending to like it for me and bad pizza is like no it causes concussions people have severe brain injuries for the rest of their lives. And you're like, then why'd you do it? Why'd you pretend? And Bad Pizza thinks about it, thinks about how maybe in a different life she could have been good pizza,

and maybe if things would be different, it could have worked out for us. And then she says, at the end of the day, I needed the dough. And that's the end. The ending is so stupid, but I bounced it off of a couple friends who were just like, no, it's stupid, but it's sort of fun to be stupid. You should go then and take a beat and go into a huge musical number

just out of that, you know, like the old days, like Regis would do of that, you know, like the old days, like, like Regis would do on stage, you know, I also think like with the pizza, with the run of the different things that will do for you, like it, you know, I, you know, do anything. If I'm not here in 30 minutes, you can have me for free. Oh, that's good. That's good. You know, those are the, those are the people who are really pushing the bad pizza. Yes. During those commercials.

I'm shocked in Brooklyn. I have a Domino's essentially at my subway stop. And I'm just going like, who is, if you live in Brooklyn and you are ordering. We are on the same page to the extent that I went on Yelp and wrote a scathing denouncement. No. Not that I even ate at the Pizza Hut in Brooklyn, but I just wrote a, like, if you live in Brooklyn. Oh, my gosh. And you're eating where the greatest pizza is feet from your home, and you're eating, what is wrong?

You need to reevaluate your life. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. My Uncle Tony loves the Meat Lovers pizza and he lives right in Brooklyn and he knows good pizza. He's got a great pizza place near his house. But he still,

and I can only, all I can come up with as an explanation is that he thinks of it as a different thing. He thinks of it as something other than pizza, like it's an Italian, a giant Italian taco or something like that. Right. Because otherwise it just doesn't make any sense to me. No, it's shocking.

That's amazing. Did you have a Yelp alias or did you do it as yourself? I do. I have a Yelp alias or did you do it as yourself? I do. I have a Yelp alias and it's got a lot of numbers in it. And I'll look it up and I'll send Can you send me your secret Yelp alias? Because I want to have a Yelp alias because I use Yelp all the time because I find it to be... The reason it... It's good. It's not always right, but if you're good at riding the wave of Yelp

in terms of the metaphor being that you're on a surfboard of Yelp, you can suss out fake reviews versus real reviews. It points you in the right direction. I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to create an alias on Yelp because I've always wanted to do it anyway. It's going to be secret alias, but then I'm going to write a five-star review for Jimmy Kimmel. By the way, we are on Yelp. Our show is on Yelp. Oh, it is? It's kind of funny. Yeah. It's kind of funny. Like, oh yeah, I guess it's a business, you know? I will say like, when people find out that you and I are friends, I actually do field an extraordinary amount of compliments on your behalf.

Oh, thank you. Because I think that what you're doing is, exactly, I don't pass them on. I think that despite, you know, random people trying to do hit jobs on you for various things, I feel like your humanity shines through in the show. And I think people get, I think fundamentally at their core, people get that what you want to do is you want to make jokes, you want to do pranks, you want to goof around. And this other stuff that's happening in the country is actually just infuriating. And it's like you have to deal with that and then get back to what you actually want to do, which is comedy. You know what? You're 100% right.

I feel like this stuff that I now have to deal with is stuff... I just, by the way, I don't know if you can hear that. I just screen grabbed my Yelp review of Domino's 40. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. It's Domino's in Newark, New Jersey. It says, I wrote awful, just awful. This is Jersey. Oh, my gosh. No. Eat real pizza. There's no excuse for that. Oh, my gosh. That's incredible. Sorry. Well, anyway, you know what I did? I just, I derailed your compliment

because I'm uncomfortable with it. No, of course. But that is nice. And yes, I would, I do wish, I do wish we didn't have to talk about this stuff, but I am grateful that people will listen to it. And even honestly, hearing you talk about being 19 years old and having, you know, had cancer and then not being able to get health insurance. I don't know how that makes sense to any human being or at least any American, because it is, uh, and you know, I have, you know, fortunately we make a good living or whatever, but there are so many people that don't have that and people that I know.

And I also know like my son, you know, he's already hit his lifetime cap of health insurance if there are lifetime caps, you know, it's like, you know, should a baby hit their lifetime cap of yeah of health insurance it's it's nuts nobody agrees with that it's bananas like i don't know sorry but anyway that's important that's actually that's actually of course and it should be and it brings us to the final segment which is working it out for a cause and and in the past uh i know you've

contributed a lot uh to Children's Hospital and we could contribute to them today or another nonprofit of your choice. Well, you know, I love Children's Hospital Los Angeles. It's a great hospital. It's a training, it's a teaching hospital. So they will teach and train surgeons and doctors, nurses at this hospital and send them all over the country. You know, like the team that worked on my son, one of them is in St. Louis, one of them is in New York. Oh, that's great. Now, you know, they go all over the country,

so it's not just a local thing. But there is something local that I am supportive of, especially right now here in L.A. It's St. Joseph's Center. They provide homes and service and food and all these things that people who are homeless right now, particularly homeless women who have children, they do a really great job. And they've been around for a long time here in LA and they're getting a little bit more attention now because our homeless problem is so severe. But St. Joseph's Center, it's

headquartered in Venice, California, and they do a lot of great stuff. So they're a small charity. Yeah, I'll contribute to them and I'll link to them in the show notes if people want to contribute as well. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Jimmy, for all your support over the years. all your support over the years. Mike, you know I love you. I've been a fan since I first saw you, and I enjoy listening to your podcast, especially on those lonely long drives.

And this was fun. I'll send you my Yelp review so you can see it, and I'll call you to run my Emmys planned by you. Guess what? What? Chicken butt. Nothing. All right. Working it out

because it's not done. Working it out because there's no hope. That was another episode of Working It Out. How about that Jimmy Kimmel? I could talk to him all day. And he's a big listener of the show.

He had a lot of thoughts. He had a lot of thoughts on the show. Look, he said nothing really gets worked out. But I think incrementally, it does get worked out. This is the first draft. worked out. I think incrementally it does get worked out. This is the first draft. So even the Brie Larson bit, which you

heard if you listen to all the episodes, the Judd Apatow episode, Judd says, will you tell this Brie Larson story? And I tried it, and then I wrote some more, and then I brought some more to the Jimmy Kimmel episode, and now that's starting to take shape as a bit

that might end up in the YMCA pool show. So it's baby steps. It's not like I have a talk show where I put out a new monologue every day, but I'm developing the special over a couple years, and so

that's sort of how it goes down. I really appreciate you listening. Our producers of Working It Out are myself, along with Peter Salamone and Joseph Birbiglia, consulting producer Seth Barish, sound mix by Kate Balinski, with help from Joel Robbie, assistant editor Mabel Lewis,

thanks to my consigliere Mike Berkowitz, as well as Marissa Hurwitz. Special thanks to Jack Antonoff for that music. As always, a very special thanks to my wife, J. Hope Stein. Our book, The New One, is in your local bookstore curbside with my comedy and her poetry.

As always, a special thanks to my daughter, Una, who created a radio fort of pillows. Thanks most of all to you who listened. Tell your friends, tell your enemies, we are working it out.