Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 16. Maria Bamford: Your Comedy Vaccine

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

Maria Bamford has been one of Mike’s favorite comedians for a long time. Maria discusses the time she cold-called a Catholic priest even though she’s not Catholic, stories about Air BnBs, why Domino’s might be more helpful than a suicide hotline, unorthodox covid vaccines, and the recipe for grilled cheese. Don’t miss this one. Please consider donating to: Los Angeles Downtown Women's Center https://downtownwomenscenter.org/

Hey, everybody. It's Mike. Exciting announcement before we start today. Tonight, the 21st of September, I'm doing an outdoor show in Fairfield, Connecticut. There's two shows, 530 and 730. I think there's like a few tickets left. It's one of those outdoor distanced, you bring your own chair or blanket. It's getting cold, so it's like a football game. And then next week, the 28th, this is the first I've announced it at all, so you can get your tickets really fast. Swap them up for the 28th of September. FairfieldComedyClub.com or Burbiggs.com. That's the best way to find out about whatever I'm doing is burbiggs.com. Sign up for the email list.

The email list is the first place. I post things on Twitter and Instagram, but the email list is how I get things most directly to folks. I'm announcing a virtual show later this month. The first one went great. Maria Bamford and I talk about virtual shows today. And she loves them. I love them.

I've had a really good time doing them. And so all of that is on burbigs.com. And yeah, sign up. And thanks for listening. Enjoy the show. Hey, everybody. It is Mike Birbiglia, and we are back with another episode of Working It Out. This is the most excited I've been to release an episode. This is Maria Bamford. If you follow the comedy that I like, you'll know who Maria Bamford is. She has countless specials on Comedy Central and Netflix, and she has a new Audible original

called You Are a Comedy Special, which is a 15-step self-help guide to force yourself to write an hour of stand-up comedy. She's the best. Enjoy my conversation with Maria Bamford.

We're working it. In 2013, you played Carolines, and my wife Jen and I and John Mulaney and his wife Anna, we all went to watch you. We bought four tickets and we, you know, we're all fans. And then we love the show so much. It was like one of the greatest live comedy experiences I've ever had. But I wrote you an email that said, Maria, my wife, Jenny, and I were both so overwhelmed

by your show. And my wife, Jenny, who is a poet, felt like you may be the greatest living poet as well. So you're really covering your bases with love and admiration, Mike. And then you wrote back a really, really generous email back and it was so sweet. Mike Burbakes.

May I call you that oh my god burble um uh that's god man that's that's no one i remember you guys coming out and i felt uh infinitely supported by the uh on i mean the ongoing love and joy that is uh the stand-up comedy community. I think it's not you know, it's just I really appreciated your note and also coming out and I hope when we

see each other next, if you see my network again, that you'll still think highly of it. But it's okay. If it's, if I'm deteriorating, if I'm deteriorating, that's natural and that's um that's natural and that's a part of life yeah yeah sure sure it's the slow uh i will i'm gonna i will absolutely let you know please oh please let me know well you know who's really good at letting you know

stuff like that is the internet i that is fantastic. The internet is so filled with just surprising amounts of support and clarifying of where you stand in many people's lives. And then, you know, suddenly you get a reflection. people's lines and then you know suddenly you get a it's yeah it's a reflection i'm sure there's some sort of spiritual talk about a a many-sided jewel um but anyways you're always seeing new press for yourself through uh new ones with it yes these beautiful novel-esque posts uh showing their love for entertainers abounds on the internet it does i do i do love the internet just it is such a great like for the way i i rehearse which is right now uh i just do one on one um performing for people rehearsing my jokes over and over again so i can get someone to listen to my show anytime, day or night, just through Twitter. And I used to meet people in person, but probably at least 50 people over the last few years. And everyone has been extremely pleasant. I think I could actually

criticize my behavior on a couple of the meetings. Yeah, I have a few notes. I have a few notes. a couple of the meetings. Yeah, I have a few notes. I have a few notes. Could you spot me? I'll Venmo you later. Once I did have a guy meet me, I thought it was a coffee shop.

I believe this was outside St. Louis. It turns out it was a coffee manufacturing and distribution plant. So then I got a lift there and had to ask him for a ride in his Hyundai to the local Dunkin' Donuts, which he was gracious enough to allow me. And then we sat in the parking lot and I did my very best show for him.

I just want to explain this to the listeners so that they fully understand that you're not being facetious at all and that you're being completely earnestetious at all and that you're being completely earnest that you maria bamford one of the greatest comedians in the world rehearse your act with strangers one-on-one well and are they strangers um they follow me on twitter uh there's only there's only a few people who follow me on Twitter. And I think if you're going to show up and meet an almost 50-year-old lady in a public place, that says something,

I think, delightful about you. Yeah. you. Yeah. I, I did, uh, put a wall up. Somebody had all the, uh, pro, uh, pro America, uh, Trump stuff. And I said, Hey, have you seen me perform? Are you, are you confusing me with someone else? Uh, I love you so much. I love you so much. And I will not meet with you because we disagree on all the levels. I mean, I'm sure there's some things we agree on, like Franklin Mint collections. Everyone loves those. So did you not meet with that person? I did not meet with that person. But I didn't tell them.

I just didn't choose them. Oh, okay. Yeah, I didn't because I think that's so yeah i didn't because i i think uh that's i feel like that's fair uh some but please feel free to criticize me and tell me in what way sure i've made a mistake that's what i have ocd and it's kind of in the way that is about uh ethics uh i when i have when i have a manic episode it has it involves Catholic priests, though I have never been Catholic. I got in touch with the New York Times ethicist somehow. Wait, you said you got in touch with a Catholic priest?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. To figure out if what I was doing was okay or not. Because that's part of obsessive compulsive disorder is checking. So it's like somebody going to check and see that the gas is off, the lights are off or doing things. So somebody with more ethical obsessions might try to keep checking with different moral authorities of whether something's okay or not. Oh, wow. And guess what?

The world is a gray area. And so you can't ever get the right answer. So you were willing in that moment to trust a Catholic priest, even though you're not Catholic? I'm not Catholic. Yeah. Yeah. It seemed like he had, I mean, he dedicated his whole life to it.

So what had happened? At the time, I was obsessed because I was a spokesperson for a commercial campaign many years ago. And I thought to myself, oh, my gosh, this has been such a cash cow, lots of fun. But is the money I'm taking based on the slave labor of people who work overseas with no environmental laws or labor laws to protect them. So I said this to the priest, hey, what should I be doing? He said, well, I just went to Target the other day and my pants are from Target. Oh my God. And my pants are from Target.

Oh, my God. And then I explained to him, you know, the details of what those pants mean and why they were so inexpensive. And he said, well, I don't think you're right. I think that is terrible. I don't think you should be working for them at all. So I convinced a Catholic priest to go against his own first rule. Wow. You are the opposite of a spokesperson. I certainly am.

It's interesting because I wrote my email to you, and this is, again, 2013, that I think that what you're doing is really edgy. And I always like to clarify this, and this is just one person's opinion about comedy. People have very different definitions of what edgy is. And a lot of people think, like, edgy is a comedian who curses so many

times in an hour and you can't even believe it. And it's shocking, but I don't find it. I don't find that that shocking. I'm not that shocked by language, but I am shocked, but in a positive way, when I see someone like you, uh, or, or other comedians who i admire like really like opening themselves up to the audience and just and just speaking their truth and confessing things about themselves that are like a lot of people wouldn't wouldn't speak about and because you're in the reason i think it's edgy or it's quote unquote on the edge is i think what edgy would long form would be is that you're risking failing in a way that is deeply personal. So if you go up and you curse for an hour and people don't like it, you can go, oh, who cares? If you go up and you talk about yourself and your own struggles

in like this totally deeply personal way for an hour and it fails, there's real risk there. I mean, it feels horrible. And that is why I don't play Vegas. I don't care how much money anybody offers me. I will not go to Vegas. Yeah, yeah. I mean, but also I think it's such a relief for me if I hear people laugh at something that I've found to be shameful or that I've felt bad about. deep itch to be scratched or joy to have. I don't know if you've run into this, but sometimes I've used family and friends in my stuff. And they have not signed up for the level of honesty.

I mean, I know my parents want to be supportive, but then also, yeah. Otherwise, I won't make anything if I have to think about what they're going to say. And I definitely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And at the same time, I feel like you get to say what your experience is. Sure. Yeah. I find that very confusing. My mom, who she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, which is really terrifying and frightening.

And she's in remission, which is unbelievable. Yay, science. But there is, of course, some hilarious moments about people thinking of their own demise. And my mom, she said, was, you know, honey, I just want to be around long enough for those crate and barrel pillows to come in that I special ordered. And I'm so delighted because your father, he felt so bad about how, you know, the chemo and everything. So he bought me that scale I've always wanted. And it tells me my body fat percentage. Mom, what I heard is that when you buy a coffin, I mean, if you want to get into a size four, even if it's tighter on the hips, eventually it'll fit. Oh, my gosh.

So you did you do virtual shows, which I think are amazing. And I saw that you told this story about how you and your husband have sort of a pact. If either one of you is ever considering suicide, which you have before, and it's a very serious thing. Yes. That if you or your husband are considering that, that you have to post about it in the shared community area in your apartment.

Yes, it's on the refrigerator in in chip clip magnets oh my gosh um because one thing that we realized in in probably the reason we attracted each other my husband he would always kind of joke like if i said i was feeling low or just feeling bad you know he'd kind of go he'd go, I'm depressed too. Which is hilarious. Me too. I don't feel good either. No. Which is so sweet. But then, as we've been together now,

I was married six years, and he had some mood issues. And in learning about our childhoods at the age of around nine or 10, I know I started having sort of bipolar episodes and that I would start having serious OCD. And then one thing I did to know, just to kick back when I was nine, I would pick hairs out of my skin. It's called trichotillomania and it's, it's, it's good times. It's a, it's a little vacation from your problems. He would do this thing where he would knock his head against the wall. Oh my gosh. For relief. Oh my gosh. I feel like I've only seen that in movies.

Oh yeah, no, it's real. And so, and then we both also started, it's another relaxant fantasize about death, long for the afterlife. Sure. It's called suicidal ideation. Sure. I think many people have done it um so that's something we didn't realize we both have in common as something to kind of calm

down in situations to either um yeah so both of us were having a bad day and uh and i thought to ask a little later hey what were you thinking little later, Hey, what were you thinking about? And he's like, what were you thinking about? Oh, um, he was thinking about his plans. I was thinking about my plans and you know, of course it's, it's funny, but it's also, and I think that that's what I, I want to talk about that stuff is so that we don't feel, or I'll speak for myself, sorry. Uh, I don't feel ashamed, um, that that's, um, yeah, we have these two signed, uh, contracts that our therapist had us write up of what we can do if someone's in danger or feeling impulsive. Um, and again, paperwork has never saved a life. Uh, but what if, what if, uh,

but they signed something, um, it's been notarized. Uh, um, so, but, but the power, But the power of positivity is something. Yeah. And that if I need help, if our family needs help, not only do our friends and family know about it, and it's not some huge secret, but you can easily call up and then it's like, Oh, we're coming right over. Like it's not like, Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's the problem with any, uh, well, any health emergency. It's like, Hey, let's take it down a notch. Like,

I love that about EMT workers where they're just, they do things methodically slow, you know, like there's, there's an emergency, but to freak out about it is not going to help. Yes. You're sort of,

in some ways you're making the suicidal thoughts into a more pragmatic situation that the family needs to address. Right, right. Like if you have a thing on the thing, well, you know, what we do in case of, like Los Angeles, fire, earthquake, we're going to think this is our exit plan or whatever. And of course, we don't want to have an exit plan for our family in terms of killing yourself. But you know, that's what that's a cult sound that's yeah yeah but i i always wanted because i i've i've toyed with i shouldn't say i've toyed with i've written about suicidal thoughts before but i've never put them on stage uh i wrote this bit once where and it's totally not done but it's like

about how sometimes I I don't want to be alive but I don't want to be dead either you know what I mean like I I'm sort of open and and then but then I don't think I'd commit suicide because I feel like I would

I would botch the suicide like I feel like if I jumped in like I would I feel like I would botch the suicide. Like, I feel like if I jumped in, like, I feel like I would take, you know, try to binge on pills, right? But it wouldn't be enough pills. Like, it would be enough to make me late for my meeting, but not enough to kill me. And then I'd show up to the meeting

and my agent would be like, where were you? You know, and I'd be like to the meeting and my agent would be like, where were you? And I'd be like, I tried to commit suicide, but then it just made me late. And he's like, look, Mike, if I'm going to sell you, you got to go one way or the other. You got to be in or out. I got to sell you alive or sell you dead. And then on the way home, I'd feel so bad and try to jump in front of the subway. And then on the way home, I'd feel so bad and try to jump in front of the subway.

But then I'd fall in that area in the subway tracks where the subway would make it over me. And then I'd be alive, but I'd be like face down in rats, you know. And then they'd eat my face. And then I'd show up at a comedy club that night. And the other comedians would give me a hard time. Like, what's wrong, Mike? Rats eat your face? eat your face and i'm like yeah actually rats ate my face you know and uh that's why i've never committed suicide and and that's that's sort of the run i've been writing it's completely not done and and and uh i haven't done the, but I'll tell people who are listening, if you're if you're considering committing suicide, don't do it for a lot of reasons, for for many, many, many reasons.

But one of them is. If you really want to make a point. You need to stay alive, even though it sucks. Yeah. And then you can text seven41-741-TALK. Yes. It will be a 45-minute wait until you get somebody. Is it really? Oh, my gosh. It's intense.

I try it every once in a while. I would also recommend, I think, call Domino's. Like, call an open food service delivery place that they'll pick up, and you just never know who they would get on the horn. That's a good one. That's a really good idea. Who might talk, you know,

want to talk to you. Like, uh, there's plenty of people who are actually, you know, not trained at all as, as mental health professionals, but are,

uh, pleasant and kind. Yes. And, um, I once called the operator cause I had no money. Did you really? I called the operator and I said, would you still love someone if they're smoking out of college? Quick question.

The operator said yes. I got a total stranger. Tell me that they love me. Oh, my gosh. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So just FYI. That's so beautiful, that story.

Yeah. Yeah, so just FYI. That's so beautiful, that story. Yeah, 1-800-call-whatever-your-favorite. Airline is, Tostitos, a snack, a concern line. Those guys pick up, whereas, yeah, it's a little busy on the suicide hotline. Do you ever get, because you talk about having suicidal thoughts, you talk about OCD, you talk about a lot of being bipolar too, do people ever feel like you're misrepresenting them

if they have that same thing? Do you ever get that i'm sure i'm sure i mean of course like yeah uh i'm sure i say things that are uh and i know this this is uh this is not a great word but like insensitive um yeah tone deaf to and tone deaf is not a good word anymore. choose a way of saying something that's just over the top and can sometimes be hurtful towards people. Of course, nobody wants to be hurtful, of course. Right. But nobody gives a shit. Right.

If you didn't mean it, of course. Right. But nobody gives a shit. Like, if you didn't mean it, please apologize. Please apologize without all the reasons why you didn't mean it. Yeah, I find that to be a very confusing part of the comedy conversation is when people say, you can't talk about suicide. And I go, well, actually,

I think that talking about it, even in the form of jokes, shines a light on it in a way that it allows us to have a conversation, which is similar to you posting something on your refrigerator. And it just makes it part of a conversation as opposed to hiding in the shadows. I feel like I'd like to be able to talk about everything that I'd like to talk about. But also, for me personally, I'm not as interested in talking about something that I have no experience in. Yeah, I feel the same way. I think it just kind of all gets in the weeds. If you don't like it, turn it off. Yeah. There's a button. I think there's a very odd thing that happened in the last like 20 years, basically since I got into comedy, which is comedy went from being a bit of an indie art form to being a very popular art form. And then as a result, it becomes under a microscope of like, you can't talk about this, but you can talk about this. And it's like, well, not really.

Like, you can't talk about this, but you can talk about this. And it's like, well, not really. I mean, actually, the intention is that we speak about the unspeakable to achieve some kind of catharsis for people for whom that's what they're into. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, now I think it has been for a long time a comedy boom, I tell you. It's a boom. We're in the boom.

We're still in the boom. Oh, yeah. And yeah, I'm grateful that I've been able to still make a Zoom boom living. And so that's wonderful. But yeah, it has been surprising to see it, a comedy move from where it used to be listed next to karaoke and strip clubs and now it's reviewed in the New York Times. That's right. No, I mean, when I first told my dad that I wanted to become a comedian, he was so mortified. And he said, I go, I've been working at a comedy club.

And he said, comedy club? What do they do, strip? And I go, no, they perform comedy. And then it just sort of sat there. And that was in the late 90s. That's when I got into comedy. And that's where a lot of people saw it. Yes, strip clubs and anywhere near a chicken wing or something deep fried.

And sometimes there's methamphetamine use. Money laundering is being done. Why not? I mean, I do it. Maria, you're just listing off my hobbies. Taking a break from this Maria Bamford conversation to send a shout out to our friends at Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon cereal is something I did not know about until they sent me a whole bunch of boxes.

Cocoa and fruity and frosted and blueberry. And now I'm completely addicted. The staff of my show is addicted. It tastes so good. And then people on my Facebook were saying that they ordered it this week and were very happy about it. So I'm a serial spokesperson now. If you can go to magicspoon.com slash berbigs, use berbigs at checkout to get free shipping.

You will thank me later. And later is now. That could have meaning of some kind, but it was just a throwaway. Back to the show. So this is a thing that we do on the show called the slow round. It's basically like a series of questions or prompts about just memories. Do you remember a smell from your childhood?

Grilled cheese sandwiches when Chester Park Elementary School. Oh, my gosh. Grilled cheese sandwiches. And I loved those so much that I went back to the lunch ladies and I said, give me the recipe. Oh, my gosh. Little lady, it's Wonder Bread, Crisco, Velveeta. Three things. I said, got it, Velveeta. Three things.

I said, got it, brought it back to my mom. My mom said, honey, I'm never going to make you this. Oh, my gosh. So, but that I love. How old were you in middle school? Oh, yeah, I think I was like 10 or 11, you know, just, you know, when you start saying, oh, I can ask. Right. How about that?

How about that recipe? What? This is wonderful. I'm going to have some curiosity about this. That's a good one, though. The grilled cheese. I have the same thing with middle school. Do you remember those circle pizzas?

Oh, no, we had squares. Interesting. Square pizzas. And like, and like, I know being a grown person who's read about food production now, I know that that, that is some terrible, That is some very low quality pizza right there. And yet, I can't get that positive association out of my head. Yeah. Do you have an unusual skill that people don't usually know about? Um, my skill, let me see. Um, well, this is a funny thing. Um, I belong to a money related, um, 12 step program and I can't tell you which one I cannot because it's a secret. Cause what if you went out and told everyone Maria Bamford said this, and then, I'm not sure. Anyways, so I've been in it for like 25 years.

Wow. And so what I am good at, or one thing at least I've gotten better at, is one of the things you do is you sit down with another person. And it's called a pressure relief group. And if you know anything about Toaster Perms, it's a fifth step with your money. Yeah. It's a cult, but it's free. And Toaster, they can't kick you out. Even if I go to a meeting with a bottle of Jack Daniels

and I'm eating an ice cream cake with a stolen porn DVD, all anyone will say is, you keep coming back. She's a newcomer um which i love about it so um yeah there's a lot of god bothering which i'm not into but um sure um wait what's god bothered what's god bothering god bothering is a prayer uh when they're always talking about a higher power i consider the higher power to be cognitive behavioral therapy like just different you know just going oh what if I tried something different than what I've been

doing? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Same. Uh, stop. Well, you know, so I, yeah, I, one of the things people, um, sometimes ask for is a spending plan. And so, um, and a debt repayment plan. And so I do those with 200 people. And so that's something I don't know if I'm good at it, but I've done it a bunch. It's a very humbling thing. It's not fun, but it was immediate some sort of solution that I never would have thought of on my own. My immediate thought was just move back home to Duluth. And, yeah, so it's continued to be very helpful because I think, you know, there's still these questions where it's always assumed like somehow, oh, I'll know how to do that when I get that age or when I have that amount of money. I'll know what to do.

Right. And I continue. Or when someone dies, I'll know how to buy a coffin. Oh, my goodness. Yes. How do you do? My parents have already pre-done all that stuff for themselves. They called me from the coffin place and we got, we got it all picked out.

We're fine. All you have to do is show up. All you have to do is show up. So here's a couple of jokes I've been working on. Oh my God. And then we can go over some jokes you're working on too. This is a couple of quick ones to start. I have, I've been, Jen and I got an Airbnb in Rhode Island

to be near my brother and sister's family so our daughter can see their cousins in the pandemic and could have a yard basically. And so I go for a walk every day and there's a house covered in American flags and antennas and satellite dishes, like tons of them. And the other day I just thought,

if America was so great, you'd have cable. And this, I don't know, goofy joke. And then I wrote, a lot of comedians have spent the quarantine working on jokes, but I've been working on a vaccine. So far, it's two parts French toast, one part syrup. We are in stage three trials. The first two didn't work, but we're just going to go ahead with it. That's another quick one.

Those are wonderful. But you know, these jokes, as you know, because you're writing a ton of jokes right now, these jokes have an expiration date. It's like the vaccine joke. That's going to be gone in about a year. Let's hope. I know. Let's hope, right? Let's hope.

We're rooting, Maria, for an end to these jokes. Yes. Yes, yes, exactly. Exactly. Those are very strong. Thanks. Let me see. Do I? Yeah, a lot of my jokes are, I haven't, I've been writing something else.

Okay. So my mom, honey, we're going to take ayahuasca, your father and I. I read in the New York Times that it is a great way to kind of face your own mortality. And they're doing studies of it at Johns Hopkins. It's very popular. So I Googled shaman and we found this guy in the twin cities. We're going to go down there this weekend. I called the shaman and I said, Hey, Paul.

Hey, Paul. My dad has a heart condition. My mom, stage four lung. My mom also bipolar. Is this? This is very common for family members to be triggered by the idea of the spirit of ayahuasca. She's very powerful. I understand that you feel angry. I know. I I'm still afraid of

her power. I was recently on a retreat where I got an emergency call. I just partaken in the medicine and I got an emergency call to drive home two hours. I asked the medicine man, is it safe for me to drive home? he said why don't you ask the fire I asked the fire the fire became an eagle and said yes yes Paul it's okay to drive home hey Paul did you

ask the eagle to I'm assuming it was an American eagle to walk claw over claw in a straight line while keeping his wing on his beak. Cause it sounds like that Eagle was high. I so angry at my parents because I want to do drugs too. Sure. I want to do drugs.

Um, I want to have sex with a volcano and chit chat with Dolly Parton, but she's also Kermit the Frog, but he's also Dolly Parton, but he's also totally Kermit the Frog. You guys know what I'm talking about. But I won't. And so I'm mad at them.

I called them after the weekend. I said, what happened? Honey, we cannot tell you because it's illegal and you cannot be trusted with any information. Which is true. If I get you a birthday gift, I tell you exactly what I'm getting you while I'm purchasing it. I tell you what it is while I'm handing it to you wrapped. And once you're wrapped it, I also affirm with you what I got you. It's a shirt, right? So my mom, well, honey, I decided I asked God to give me a sign. And he, you know, so I got this call from my psychiatrist at the last minute.

And he said, Marilyn, don't do it. And so I decided not to do it. And then your father thought, you know, I've got atrial fib, so maybe I just ask Paul. I said, hey, could I just do mushrooms? Guys, this is a religious ceremony. You can't just say, oh, could you cut the communion line with some Diet Pepsi? I'd love to sanctify the blood of Christ, but if you've got two rocks and a line back there behind the altar. Okay, Pink Floyd in the wall.

What happened? My arms elongated. Maybe I'd see my cookie club from when I was a little kid. I had a cookie club. I asked all the mothers in the neighborhood to make a different cookie every week, and then we'd get together and eat them. It was the best goddamn club I've ever been a part of. But that's not what happened. My arms got long

and then all I could hear was your mother eating fruit from her purse. She brought cut up cantaloupe from a plastic bag. That's that whole thing. That's beautiful. That is so beautiful. I'm curious which part of it is the reality part.

The reality part was they were considering going on the ayahuasca trip. Yeah. Well, they were for real going to do it. And then that's what happened. My mom prayed about it and felt like oh she shouldn't do it but then my dad said he was gonna still do it and um um yeah so oh my gosh and um there's only one element about it that's not true and that's it that it was they didn't actually do it in Minneapolis. They did it in Duluth. Oh, wow. But they really did it.

My dad did mushrooms. They didn't do it. Wow. That's pretty cool, Maria. That's pretty cool. It is. It is pretty cool. It really is.

No, they're loons. And my dad is where I learned all my business acumen. My dad was a dermatologist. He had for about 20 years, however long the internet's been around, a website where he'd sell wooden bars that were shaped like bars of soap. And they were called Dr. Bamford's No Soap. Because his theory is that people would always come to him and say, oh, I've got this rash on my arm. He'd say, okay, well, first thing, you don't use soap. It could be drying and irritating for the skin.

So you pat, pat, pat with a wet washcloth, and then you air dry. No soap at all. And then he'll say, but I want to use soap. Well, why don't you use this? And it's a bar of wood. Well, when I get splinters, oh, yeah. You better not use it. Oh, my gosh.

So very elliptical. And then he'd sell them for $35. You had to send a check to a skin disorder-related charity. Sure. Send him the receipt. Then within six to nine weeks, he would send you your bar. One person did it. That is an amazing story.

One person did it. The whole time you're telling me this story, I'm thinking, I'll do that. I'll do that. I'll do that. Going to step away from this awesome chat with Maria Bamford to send a shout out to one of our sponsors, Helix Mattress. I have a serious sleep disorder, which is why, you know who loves me? Pillow companies, mattress companies, all the places that help you sleep. But I got to say, Helix mattress, hands down best mattress I've ever purchased. I'm thrilled to have it. My daughter loves it. My wife loves it. You take a quiz, you go on helix.com slash burbigs, and you put in burbigs,

and you get $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Helix mattress, I'm telling you, you will thank me now and later and forever. Back to the show. So I have a little bit more about staying at this Airbnb in Rhode Island, which I feel like someone must have made this observation in the history of comedy, but I feel like Airbnb should just be called Airbnb. I have yet to receive the breakfast. That's yes! yet to receive the breakfast.

That's yes! It should just be called Airbnb and the owner lives in the shed. That's sort of like a goofy joke, but it's like it's true, like the Airbnb, it's like how are you getting away with that? That acronym is false.

It's true. It's just, it's the lie is in the name. And then we get to the Airbnb, and Jen's first response when we arrive, when she looks around the house, is this is much worse than the photos. And I say, well, so am I, but I, I, we always figure out how to make it work. And, uh, so that, that's sort of a chunk

of this Airbnb thing that I'm developing. That's very nice. I like that. I, uh, yeah. Airbnb is, it's such a, you just never know what's going to happen. It's wild. Do you use it when you're traveling? Let me see. We used to go to Philadelphia, which is my favorite story.

We're there and we're laid down and it was, you hear rats just fighting in the walls. Like just having- Yes, yes, I've experienced this. I know the sound. And so I call the woman and I say, hey, just heads up, you have rats, really a lot of rats from what we can tell.

And she said, oh, those aren't our rats. Oh, my God. Those are from the place next door. Huh. Well, yes. I see. Now that you've disowned the rats, they seem quieter. And then we went to one where the Wi-Fi was very Christian, which that's an interesting thing about Airbnb, is due to free speech, which is a lovely thing.

You can't say in your review, oh, they had a lot of these religious elements around. Oh, sure. So you can show up and it's like blood of the resurrection, John 3, 16, Judges 19, you know, like whore of Babylon with seven heads. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, ho, ho, ho. So that was extremely surprising. What to do if your husband is gay.

Oh no. That was actually quite a good read. Um, Oh my gosh. We went to, we went to a real bed and breakfast in Ann Arbor, Michigan when Jen and I were first dating and it was filled with religious imagery. Like there were these gargoyles. I took photos of them that depicted in the room that we were staying in the seven deadly sins, each one. And I was like, this is not

relaxing. But they did have breakfast. No. See. Which is more than you can say for the Airbnb. Yeah. Yeah. And then I have one last thing. I have... We get to the Airbnb Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. one would have to take to get to a beach in five minutes, a rocket ship or a jet pack,

which as I understand, it takes years of training. And those jet pack school graduations are spectacular, though everyone's flying their jet packs all around. But the point is we're not five minutes from the beach. We're about a 15-minute drive. And it's a hard 15. Because Rhode Island is one of those states where you can't turn left. You want to go left,

but it makes you go right to go left. It's like America. Oh, that's lovely. Oh, I do like that. That's very nice. Very nice. Well, let me see. I'll just say, you know, a lot of people have been trying to better themselves during this time of quarantine, staying at home. Oh, I'm going to make some big changes. I just worry if I stopped eating sugar and white flour, would I ever be able to stop talking about it? Maria, for me, it's just I have so much more energy. I know, I know, I know. Things have really changed for you.

And it's crazy. Peanuts are too sweet. Avocados are my go-to snack. I know, I know. The world has grown topsy-turvy and it's a whole new world. The thing I love the most is that I'm so much more conscious in my relationships. And yet you don't notice that I am falling asleep with my eyes completely open. Can we talk about anything else? I'm a 50-year-old white woman. I've heard a tale of dietary transformation. Canadian reality television. Ooh, that's so good. It's a lady who does personal finance.

Five jelly jam jars filled with cash. So good. Called Till Debt Do Us Part. Shout out to Ms. Vaz Askslade. She's half Jamaican, half Irish, and all Canadian. You know, and this is the crazy part. I wasn't even trying to lose weight. Of course you were.

No one was ever, ever trying to lose weight. Tell me more. Tell me more. The one last thing is we do a thing called Working It Out for a Cause. And if you have any nonprofit that you wanted to shine a light on, we'll send the listeners there today. Yes, Los Angeles Downtown Women's Center. It's dwc.org, Los Angeles Downtown Women's Center. They provide affordable housing, healthcare,

and chow to the ladies of the Skid Row neighborhood in downtown LA. And they are wonderful there. Where I would go were I in that pickle, which is always a step away for any of us, really. I've got a bit of a parachute. Due to television. Yes.

That's wonderful. We'll link to them in the show notes and hopefully people will give. I will give. Hopefully others will give. And thanks so much for coming on, working out and sharing your jokes. I marvel at your work. To me, it's poetry and comedy and performance all wrapped into one sort of brilliant potion

that I can barely understand, but it's really extraordinary. And thanks for sharing it with me and the listeners today. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me and a real honor. Thank you. Thank you. Working it out because it's not done.

We're working it out because there's no hope. Wow. That was another episode of Working It Out. Maria Bamford is truly incredible. You should look up all of her stuff. As a matter of fact, I'll plug a fellow podcast called Good One. My friend Jesse Fox has a podcast over at Vulture. The episode he has with Maria Bamford is one of the best podcast episodes I've ever heard.

He talks all about a thing that we alluded to about the financial stuff, except it's this whole story of how she gave the commencement speech at her college and then haggled about how much she was going to do it for. And then that's what the speech was about, was haggling about it. And it's just awesome.

So good one, Jesse Fox, Maria Bamford. Highly recommend it. And also, I want to send a shout-out, you know, tip your waitstaff. We were able to raise well over a half million dollars for different GoFundMes of waitstaffs of comedy clubs across the country. And then our friends at MerchTable,

which is this great company that supports a lot of bands and comedians. They donated these face masks that say Tip Your Weight Staff. They were generously donated by the folks at 800-lb Gorilla Records,

and then all the proceeds from the sales are donated to comedy clubs around the country. A different one each month. Just go to burbiggs.com, go to the merch area, or go to comedy clubs around the country. A different one each month. Just go to burbiggs.com, go to the merch area, or go to tipyourweightstaff.com. And also, the new one is on vinyl. The live special is now on vinyl. That's also on merch table.

But tip your weight staff, face masks, all the money goes to waitstaffs across the country. This has been Working It Out. Our producers are myself, along with Peter Salamone and Joseph Birbiglia. Consulting producer, Seth Barish. Sound mix by Kate Balinski. Assistant editor, Mabel Lewis. Thanks to my consigliere, Mike Berkowitz, as well as Marissa Hurwitz. Special thanks to Jack Antonoff for his music.

As always, a very special thanks to my wife, J. Hope Stein, the poet. Our book, the new one, is in your local bookstore, Curbside. Always a special thanks to my daughter, Una, who created this radio fort made of pillows, which makes me sound so nice. Thanks most of all to you who have listened. Tell your friends, Tell your enemies.

We're working it out. Too much? Or not enough? See you next time.