Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 17. Pete Holmes: What Podcast Would Jesus Listen To?

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

Mike and Pete are old comedy friends, which is why Pete does a pitch perfect impersonation of Mike, and Mike feels comfortable asking Pete for advice about Jesus. If you’ve ever listened to Pete’s legendary podcast “You Made It Weird,” you know that these two crack each other up. It’s a fun ride with tons of new jokes. Don’t miss it. Please consider donating to water.org

Hey, everybody. It is Mike, and we are back with another episode of Working It Out. We're so excited this week to have my friend, Pete Holmes. Pete is, he has many, many specials on Comedy Central and HBO. He had a series called Crashing. He created with Judd Apatow that we referenced. He makes me laugh harder than almost anyone. Oh, one quick thing before we get going. I'm announcing another virtual show this week.

If you join my mailing list, you'll find out about later in October, I'm doing a virtual show at the Nowhere Comedy Club. You can sign up for my mailing list at burbiggs.com. Also, I'm doing two outdoor shows tonight at the Fairfield Comedy Club in Connecticut, outdoors, behind the Circle Hotel. They have a big field, and it's, you know, about 100 people physically distanced. The field's very safe. It's been fun.

I've done a bunch of them. And I'm doing two more next week. I'm announcing that right now. You're the only people who know. Sign up for all of these updates on burbigs.com. And now, without further ado, Pete Holmes. Can I say, I'm sorry, I don't mean to harp on this, but like when it comes to the desire to do comedy in clubs, right?

And just like to get over that bump of like, I got to convince these people who maybe they don't like me, that maybe they don't know me, I'm going to have to win them over or whatever, which, you know, comedy. If you want to relight my pilot light and get me back into that gear, all I have to do is watch you do comedy. You know what I mean?

Or I don't want to take away from the compliment, but like, or someone else that I admire. If I watch them- Yeah, someone who's serious about it. And they do well, I will deliberately, before I go on stage, force myself to watch the people that are going on before me.

Let's say I'm at the store. I'll watch- Oh, I'm the same way. Yeah, I watch everyone before me. But I don't know if you do it for the same reason. It makes me like a caged animal. Like it really makes me, it's like, it starts to feel athletic at that point. I feel like I'm on the bench and I'm like, just get me in the game.

Just get me in the game. It's actually unpleasant. And then when I go on stage, I just sort of explode. Because whenever I was in an audience, I couldn't stop thinking. Wait, when you say explode, you mean like you bomb? Yeah. That's what bombs do. They explode. That's what I mean. I would attack the stage, you know, like a bomb. I would bomb. Whenever I was in an audience, before I did comedy, I would just think what I would do if I was up there. And it's the same thing today. And now I'm so grateful that I get that release of being able to go up and be like,

forget imagining what I would do. Here's what I would do. Well, the thing that you're saying about when you're watching other comics, the reason I do it, it's different. It's slightly different from what you're saying. The reason I watched the comic before me and possibly two before me, like when I'm at the cellar, is because it reminds me that all stand-up comedy is is one person, two feet elevated above a group of people speaking,

and that's the whole art form. Right. Yeah, no, I know what you mean. But I really want to jump into this. I want to jump into the slow round with you, which is the segment of the show that I love where it's sort of prompts. It's sort of writing prompts that I use myself. And one of my favorite ones is, do you have a smell from childhood that sticks with you i just thought about i was i took my daughter for a walk this morning and i passed somebody digging uh like in

their driveway but they were digging up earth and i smelled the smell of dirt which is the same my my friend the late great Steve O'Harvey, had a bit where he goes, why does all dog shit smell the same? And he goes, they're eating different stuff. It's so good. Similarly, why does all dirt smell the same? It smelled exactly,

and it immediately, smell triggers more memory than any other scent. Oh, I know. That's why it's part of the slow run. And I got that tip from the, I got that from a, there's a book by Mary Carr called The Art of Memoir. And that's one of the things she talks about

is how smell memory brings you back to events and then you can start to piece together memories from your life that way. Oh, wow. That's a smart idea. When I was writing my book, I would watch movies from that time. Like I would. That's a smart idea. When I was writing my book, I would watch movies from that time. That's so good. I love that. UHF and Terminator 2 and all these things that I was

watching and consuming and listening to music from that time. It's actually one of the stranger things about me, at least from what I can tell, is that I don't remember so much of my childhood, but like more than you forgot. And I don't think it's nefarious per se that I'm like blocking stuff out. I just have like a, my brain, talk about jokes. I'll remember a joke or an interesting line that someone said for 10 years. Someone texted me last night.

They were like, hey, we saw Inherent Vice in the theaters. What was that, 10 years ago? And he goes, and I just wrote back a joke from it. And he goes, you remember that from the one time we saw it? I'm like, that's what's going on. Yet, with Val, I'll start being like, and I hate when I do this. It's one of my least favorite things about myself.

But I'll be like, I remember one time I was in Pittsburgh and she's like, I was there. You know what I mean? She's like, the person in that story was me. But she loves me so perfectly that she knows. And this isn't just lip service and it's not just an excuse on my part. It is 100% not personal.

My brain thinks in images. It thinks a lot in, it thinks very visually. And it doesn't necessarily, it's not great at remembering sort of basic facts like that. I have folders in my phone. One's called Lilo, one's called Val, where I write down just basic info, like birthdays,

favorite movies, favorite books, just because, you know, my father had a similar brain and he would sort of forget. Obviously, I forgive him, but he would forget basic stuff about me. So I'm trying not to make that mistake. But I also see myself in him, very creatively smart, very good at his work but would like you know forget that i'm a left-handed batter even though i thought i thought that was such a big deal to him it's devastating oh my god pete it's devastating to me yeah and i'll be at home sometimes and he'll and my dad will say something like maybe we'll have salmon for dinner. And I'll be like, you don't know that I don't eat fish?

Yeah. Like, I'm 42. Yeah. You didn't clock that for the last 40 years? That's why I don't have a lot of bits about my parents, but one of them is about being vegan, and my dad didn't even know the word. It's a very funny bit but the reason

if we want to talk a little bit about joke theory i only my dad didn't even know the word he said vegan i go oh my god do you want to hear that do you want to hear the best line from it yeah what's the bit what's the bit i i go my dad didn't even know the word i go dad, dad, I'm a vegan. And he goes, vegan? And I go, vegan. And he goes, vegan? And I go, just repeat the sound I'm making. Oh my gosh, no. This is the best line. I go, a chasm could do it. That's it. I mean, that's a great line, right? A chasm could do it. What's a chasm? Oh, you don't get it. Interesting. Maybe it could be more clear. Oh, oh, you mean the echo from a chasm? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I get it. I get it. It just took me a second. No, I understand. Maybe it could, I don't know if there's a way to make it more clear. I've tried it different ways.

A canyon. A canyon could do it. A canyon could do it. Yeah, it's actually kind of funnier. A canyon could do it. Yeah. I know funnier words. I'm sort of one of those comics who has a better sense of humor. Hilarious. But then the big punchline is, it just means I don't eat animal products. And he goes, and this is true. I don't lie when it comes to quoting other people. He goes, on stage, he goes,

so what do you eat all day fucking yogurt oh my gosh and that's that's a big laugh oh my gosh and i and you know but mikey to the to the point there's there's a lot of potential to close that joke out though right what do you eat all day yogurt do you have more lines after that yeah there's more after that oh what is it what does it tell me i go well that gets the biggest laugh and And then I just go, no idea where his food comes from. And then it goes into a thing about my dad being hard of hearing.

And I'm like, it's partly medical, but it's also just because he has ADD. In my family, we say you can't spell dad without ADD. And then family, we say you can't spell dad without ADD. And then, which is completely true, he's sort of hard of hearing, but he also isn't paying attention,

which is a disaster combo. But the line, the point I'm trying to make is the reason why Vagan Vegan made it and the reason why Dad Deaf, as the bit is called in my set list, made it, is because these are emotional bits to me even if i'm doing a really really silly joke the reason i do it is because it was nagging at me and almost always if it's nagging at me it's because it's salving or partially healing something inside of me that's troubled. You know what I mean?

Of course, of course. I used to write jokes like, what's the employee discount at the dollar store? It's a good observation. But it doesn't have the nag. Now I want to do jokes that address, even if it's just fundamental, like I want... Did you tag that joke?

Do you think it's just take it? Oh, that's funny. That's good. I was going to say everything is 70 cents. Yeah, that was an old standby. Do you think it's just take it would really work? And I go, Virgin Mary candle, key chain that looks like a foot, just take it. Thanks for working. That's very funny. Yeah, I like that. like a foot. Just take it. Thanks for working on it.

That's very funny. Yeah, I like that. And there's nothing wrong with that joke. But if a joke is going to get me out of bed, literally, to write it down, or if it's going to stick in my memory, this is sort of my point going to what we're talking about here, writing new bits. If I think of a joke now,

I usually won't write it down until the second time I think it because it's like if it's any good, it'll come back. If it's worth anything, unless it's just a brilliant turn of phrase or something that I have to nab down. But for the most part, I'm like, yeah, I don't work for you, you work for me. Yeah, yeah, I get that. Come back when you're better. part i'm like yeah you you don't i don't work for you you work for me like yeah yeah come back come

back when you're better the uh the vhs cassettes thing made me think of something i jotted down the other day it might become something which is just basically like i had this friend growing up uh i make up a name but his name is peter and and he, and he was rich. And, uh, and we knew cause he had a ping pong table and VHS cassettes for miles. Oh my God. That's great. That's great. Miles. He just had VHS cassettes. We were like, this guy's rich. And, and like, and then I started thinking about how, when I was a kid and this is, this speaks to the thing you're saying about what kind of sticks in your cross still. And it's like I always clocked

when I was a kid which kids were rich. Because they had more toys. Yeah, of course. And I was always like, I want more toys. And more food. They had better snacks. And they had more food, better snacks. Better sporting equipment.

We got Capri Sun at my house. We got Capro Sun. I'm drinking a Capro Moon at home. I come over to Tyler's house. He's got the name brand. No, yeah, I wore generic brand skids to school and was mocked mercilessly. I mean, but like, I remember the rich kids

because they had more toys. And I didn't know the wisdom that I would learn later in life, which is, mo' toys, mo' problems. Oh my God. That is... It's so stupid. I have another area for you. Rich kids always had a room you couldn't go in.

That's funny. It was filled with the antiques and stuff. Yeah, sure. And then I don't have the joke, but it's like, we had a room you couldn't go in, but it's only because if you opened it, you'd be covered in an avalanche of TV guides. That's funny.

That's funny. I had another ending for that. It's like, we had a room that no one could go in, and we did, and no one cared the room you couldn't go in in our house just had more juice stains i like that that's strong i'm gonna use that i'm gonna write that down Strong. I'm going to use that. I'm going to write that down. I'm going to step away from this conversation with my buddy, Pete Holmes,

to send a shout out to our sponsor, Magic Spoon Cereal. I didn't know what this was. They sent me a box in the mail, and it had four flavors, cocoa, fruity,uity frosted and blueberry uh it's so good i'm not sure how it's there's no sugar in it it's got 11 grams of protein so it keeps you full all day it's gluten-free grain-free soy-free all of these things that are great if, like me, you have a pre-existing condition. Go to magicspoon.com slash berbigs. You won't be sorry. It's really good. Use berbigs at checkout to get free shipping.

And now, back to Pete Holmes. What's a childhood memory for you that still makes you cringe when it pops up in your brain? They made these shoebox cameras. You know how you make like an exposure camera? Yeah. You open it up and everyone has to hold still, you know, like you're taking a portrait with Jesse James' corpse.

So you take the lens off. And then I was in a photo I was really thrilled to be in a photo with the cool kids it was me, Eric Leslie, Matt Marano Julie Smith, Emily Bravo, Meredith Unger and me and I was basically in every 80s movie

I was like the bully's sidekick and I was just sort of like yeah get him I wasn't like a gh movie, I was like the bully's sidekick. And I was just sort of like, yeah, get him! Like, I wasn't like a ghoul. Except I was sweet. I was trying to get attention by giving other people attention. But I was also just a loud ham with wet hands and spittle would fly from my giant Hillary swank mouth. And so anyway, I'm included in this photo

and it's a really big deal. And I remember I was wearing acid wash jeans and we're all looking as cool as we can. So I go straight boys to men and I squat like a catcher. Oh my gosh. And like, we have to hold still for three minutes. Eric Leslie takes the lens off. It's his camera. He runs in the back and everybody's looking cool.

And I went like boys to men, the bass singer. So I'm kind of like with my hands folded and I'm squatting. And like, I think it was what, 15 seconds in, I realized I had to like fart. I had to fart. And I did like a high pitch, like a brr, and it just cleared the photo. Everyone got up, including me.

Can I add a tag in the middle? It was like a high-pitched, it was like a, boys to men. But like, this is what happened. And the photo got cleared and and everything was ruined the only thing that was on the on the paper was like a translucent vague image of a group that scattered right yeah and then i was like if comedy taught me anything it's that i should have pushed i should have bore down and farted as loud and as hard as I could have. Go big or go home.

It's going to happen. So blast it. And then when they leave, stay in the photo. Oh my gosh. So stay squatting for the full three minutes. So then the photo is just me clear as day. And then the ghostly apparitions of all the people that fled when I blasted a fart that literally cleared the room and we were outside. I'd have that photo framed on my desk. I think. Because that's what, that's the spirit of comedy to me. But I think that, I think that's a great story.

I think that's a great story, but I think that your imaginary superhero version of yourself that sort of should have relished it and then framed the photo, I actually don't believe that's who you are. It isn't who I am. You're absolutely right. And I think that that's why it's not a joke currently, but it could be a joke if you just went a different direction with the setup, which is the story.

And the story is great. Yeah. I think. It's just one person's opinion. No, you're absolutely right. And it's always helpful to talk these things through because it's a little do we, I do. Do you remember the bit?

Do we? Yeah. Yeah. Well, we always make fun of comedians who go like, Oh, you know what? Do what I do.

You take a shit in a telephone booth, and then you tip over the telephone booth, and you put it on a truck. And you're like, no, I don't think that happened. Yeah, that's right. So I, and then that became. It's like a whole genre of comedy that I, that you and I in private make a lot of jokes about.

It's do what I do comedy, which then Mulaney and I, or maybe Mulaney made it Dewey I do, like his name is Dewey The comedian's name is Dewey I do And then the joke was that he had an album called Braggin' Rights, this is all Mulaney, this is Braggin' Rights

But Dewey I do jokes, you're so right Mikey and clearly, I've been doing this 20 years or so, but it's like I'm still susceptible is that you want to be like blast a fart. They ran out, frame the photo and I won. But comedy is always more interesting if you're like,

and I farted and everyone ran away and I still get a little sad when I think about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's, I think that's nice. I think that's nice.

And I also think like, there's a version of it where you go, you know, and I farted. But I still, like, held in a little bit of the fart. And I'm pretty sure it's still in my ass to this very day. That's good. I like that very much. You know, because it lends insight into, like, who you are now. What's that?

That's exactly right. That's a better, funnier, more interesting way of saying. And things like that shaped the man you're laughing with. Of course, of course. Because I'm so glad I didn't blast the full fart. That kid had to learn that shame is optional. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I believe that's Eleanor Roosevelt.

So it's this idea that like, I was living in an illusion that these kids and their opinion of me defined me. And absolutely, no, it did not. And no, it does not. So I have this, this is a new bit that I want to run by you because it's your expert. It's one of your expertise, which is the whole new show I'm working on. It's called the YMCA Pool and it's about life and reaching middle age and all this stuff.

And so I thought I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Jesus, because so much of my childhood was shaped by, like yours, was shaped by Jesus, you know, and because I went to Catholic school. And you should say, so much of my life was shaped by Jesus. And I mean, made by wood and nails. Oh, dear. Oh, I didn't even mean the cross. I meant because he was a carpenter. Oh, God. No, I immediately went to cross. Yeah, so did I, as I said it. This is why we're working it out. No, I know. I know. That's a good start, though. That's a good start. But I go, there's one thing that doesn't square with me with Jesus. As an adult, when I think about my memories of reading the Bible, is that there were kings and wise men at his birth. Which, by the way, how wise do you have to be to call yourself a wise man?

That's great. A wise man. And then for other people to go, yeah, yeah, that's a wise man and then for other people to go yeah yeah that's a wise man you know like it's one thing to try to get your a nickname going like hey my last name is berbiglia but call me berbig and everyone's like what you know what i mean it's a whole other thing it's a whole other thing to be like i'm a wise man and for people to be like he is is a wise man, and it sticks. The only other instance I can think of this is when Dwayne Johnson called himself The Rock. That's great. And you're just like, he's The Rock.

I mean, the guy, he is The Rock. So, okay, but there's more, there's more. But kings, kings came to Jesus' birth. Think how busy kings are. Think about these kings, they have kingdoms, literally. And they have to say to the kingdom, look, I know we have to collect the wheat and we were going to torture someone this week,

but we're going to have to put a pin in it because I heard the Son of God is being born like 500 miles away. And he's like, I know it's an abstract concept, the son of God is being born like 500 miles away. And he's like, I know it's an abstract concept. You know, it's not like everyone's like, this is a little weird. Like he didn't say like, I'm going to my nephew's birth. It's like, I have to go to the son of God's birth.

And they're like. And how many sick days is this guy claiming? It's like two weeks ago, you thought the Messiah had shown up in a town in Perth. We need you to govern us. That's one of the things I wrote down. Everyone in the kingdom is like, where did he even hear about this? There's no way to know anything.

He just heard it? And he's like, long story, sort of a rumor, might be true. I'm going to go. Well, I think the story is funnier than what you made up even. It's like, sorry, where did you hear about the son of God? It's like a star. A star, I know. I'm so glad that you're telling me this because I was like, I could have sworn it's the star that tells the kings where to go. And what is it? Wait, does the star speak or they just see the star? No, I think they're visited by, I mean, if you'll allow me, the story of the Magi.

I think wise men is just an English thing. That does not mean the bit doesn't stand. This is culturally, they are known as the three wise men. Here's some fun facts. We've been fed that story. There's no mention of three. It only appears in one gospel. I'm pretty sure it's Luke. It might be John. It's one of the reliable Gospels, meaning it's not really considered core, reliable Jesus story. But it was very conducive to merch. Very good for merch.

I mean, mer-sales quadrupled. Oh, mer-sales. Mer wasn't even on the map until that Gospel was written. That's what merch means, by the way. It's mer. Wait, can I get to the end of this though? Because there's actually a ton of stuff here. Sure, yeah.

So long story, sort of a rumor that might be true. So the kings show up at this birth in a manger, by the way. And these kings show up and then 30 years later, everyone murders Jesus. Talk about a 180 in your life. Like it's overkill on both ends. Everyone needs to take a deep breath and be like, all right, we don't need kings at the birth and we don't need to murder him when he's 30. Just, I mean, just let this guy live his life. I mean, this is such a, such a classic American story that took place in Israel.

You know, we lift him up, we knock him down. And by the way, I was explaining this story to a non-Christian friend, and she said, well, wait, was the mother of God Mary Magdalene? And I had to be like, oh, no, no, no, no. Mary Magdalene is Jesus's friend who's a prostitute, which is another thing that doesn't quite square. Do you think the cult leader didn't sleep with the prostitute? Oh, my God. Just a side note. The other thing that doesn't square for me is Joseph's role, the father of Jesus.

All I'm doing, by the way, is pointing, like, I'm such a bad guess because I'm just pointing out biblical inaccuracies that you're quoting right now. But they all work. They all work. Okay. There's no mention of her being a prostitute. I believe it's alluded to that she's like a woman of ill repute. But I'm pretty sure it doesn't say that she was a woman of the night. She's a sinner, I think.

She's a sinner. I think that was the idea. But Mikey, again, we're talking about cultural Christianity. All of this plays. It all works. Well, it's what I was taught. For sure. You know, that's what I was raised on.

No one in the audience is going to be thinking this. That's why nobody. What's that from? Nobody. What's that from? I don't know. Don't think twice. Nobody.

What line? When she's practicing the impression. Nobody. What's that from? I don't know. Don't think twice. Nobody. What line? It's when she's practicing the impression. Nobody, you're out. You know what Val said to me the other night? She goes, you think my character in Reality Bites was unlikable? She just said that to me apropos of nothing. It was great. Gillian Jacobs really knocks it out of the park with that one, by the way.

The second one was Ben Stiller. The other thing that doesn't square for me is uh joseph's role uh he's the father of jesus it's like i get the virgin mary thing right god came to the virgin mary and said you're gonna be the mother mother of god to me that's that's a good sell like if i were mary i could go with that but if you're joseph and mary comes to you and is like okay so you're gonna be the dad and uh he's like the dad so like we're gonna have sex and she's like actually we're we're actually not going to it's a little complicated um and then and then joseph joseph but then joseph's like wait but then who's gonna have sex oh my god and uh and she's like well i sort of did like with god

uh and he's like phone sex and she's like sort sort of. And then the thing that I... That's your line. That's your Mikey. Okay. And then I got one last line, which is, and the thing I can't get over is that 33 years later, everyone just murders this baby who had kings at his birth. I mean, that is a story. They should write a book about that. And actually, there is a book about it. It's the Bible. That's why there's four authors.

What happened was that Matthew was like, oh, this is good. I'm going to write this one up. And Mark is like, already working on it. And Luke is like, I already finished a draft. And John is like, I've already sold the rights to the Roman Empire. And scene. I mean, historically inaccurate, but very funny.

Like John has written like so much. It doesn't matter. Oh, is that true? Is that true? If this is interesting to anybody, Mark is the most reliable. John is the least reliable. I mean, like John uses Mark as a source. But what's also, what's interesting is Joseph, Mary's husband, has been, I just read a book about this. It's called The Gospel According to Jesus. It's fascinating. And one of the things that he touches upon is how Joseph, you actually, Mikey, are stepping into a long, thousands of years long heritage of making fun of Joseph as the stand-in cuckold for all of us.

And this is what Stephen Mitchell, the brilliant author, writes. He's like, being cuckolded by God is still being cuckolded. So Joseph has been a joke since the story existed. And Jesus, if this is interesting to you, was probably, by the people he grew up with, believed to be the product of an affair, which is why, Stephen Mitchell hypothesizes, is why Jesus had such a leaning towards forgiveness. Being a bastard or not having a father or not knowing who your father was, was like one of the worst things

that could happen to you culturally. So of course, you can watch through the whole ministry of Jesus that he's like dealing so much with forgiveness and he's sort of hinting that that might have to do with wanting people to forgive his mother or to look at him differently, forgive him. People, I want to point it out to people

that Pete knows about this because he was raised, he was raised in a Catholic household and then went to, even went to like a college and you almost became a minister. Well, you got some of the, I was raised Protestant and I almost became a pastor. But yes, you've got the story, the heart of the story is correct. But this is all my adult education. I love, I love, if people are using something, right, the Bible, to really control a lot of people, right?

Yeah. It's very intoxicating for me to learn as much as I can about it, not just to win debates, but to heal my own heart. I guess what I would ask you before we put a cap on this bit, because I think that a lot of this information is really good for the bit because I could potentially do some sort of revisionist history type asides

that point out that, you know, by the way, she wasn't a prostitute, blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? Like, I could actually do some of your work interspersed. I mean, I would love it. But I guess what I would say is, but no, but in general, I think that that's good for jokes and longer bits

is that they actually show both sides of the coin. But what's tricky though, Mikey, and if you're going to be critical of faith, I at least, I'm not saying you are, I just want people to be original and interesting about it. And what you're going to have to fight is the temptation to do this.

So Jesus was born in a manger, according to one of the Gospels. So what you're doing there is you're holding Semitic ancient storytelling up to the scrutiny of modern day reporting, which is not what anyone at that time was looking for in their living mythologies. But what we're doing there is, and I love Ricky Gervais, and there's a lot of great artists that do this. We're going like, you really mean a talking snake? Totally not. And it's like, we need better. And anytime someone, I remember somebody was like talking about Ram Dass and they were being critical and they pointed out how much, how he lived in Maui. And I was like, guys, we need to get more creative on how we're going to scrutinize spiritual texts, spiritual leaders, because it's always the same stuff. The Bible contradicts itself.

Or if you're so spiritual, why do you live in Maui? It's like, can we fart in a Pringles can and put it in the freezer? I've heard this before. But let me learn from what you're teaching me and trying to apply it to the bit that I've written that is humorous, which is- It's so funny.

I saw you post Tig made you laugh harder than anybody and you had to bring us into fucking the Bible well no but I think that what you're saying is very astute and whenever you're digging into something that is as commonly tread as the Bible you have to be careful

not to say what other comedians and writers have said over the years and I think that what I'm learning from what you're saying is that I need to make it personal. So in other words, I can have the run about Mary and Joseph and the wise men and the kings and about how I think the most original thought is that I have here is that talk about a 180 kings show up to your birth and 33 years later, they kill you. You know, like that's a great American story that took place in Israel. Like I've never heard anything like that.

Right. And so, and so building from that, I think, I think I just have to put my own feet to the fire and make it personal. So in other words, I need to think about why am I writing about this? Well, the reason I'm writing about it is because this is what I was taught as a child. And so here I am. I was taught this when I was eight, nine, 10 years old, Catholic school at St. Mary's. And then I'm mulling it over, not when I was 10 or 11,

I'm mulling it over now. And I'm like 42 years old. And I'm going like, oh my gosh, like this doesn't make any sense to me. But I think I have to acknowledge my own fallibility at the end of the bit, which is why I think the bit would have to come full circle into humility for it to work in the context of the show. It's the same thing you told me about my fart story. It's the exact same lesson. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm going to step away from this ridiculous chat with Petomes to send a shout out to our sponsor, Helix Mattress. Helix Mattress shows up in a box. It's just a big box. You pull it out. Poof! This mattress expands out of the box. It's much bigger than the box. It's sort of an outrageous mattress magic trick.

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Helix. If you want one, go to helixsleep.com slash burbigs. Helix is offering up to $200 on all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash burbigs. Now back to the show. All right, here's my bets, ready? Okay, here we go I didn't think I was gaining weight during COVID Until I was watching Whenever I watch a video I shoot Of my wife and my daughter

I can always hear my breathing Like Oh my god Oh my God. That's good. It's ready. It's ready to go. And, and it will be funnier with a microphone, but it's a hundred percent true. It's a hundred percent. Here's one is like, like uh if they're on flat ground how am i running up a hill i will write that down video breathing is the name on the bit i love that bit on flat ground how am i what is this a the David Blaine trick? Uphill.

Hilarious. Here's the next one. I always, we were watching Harry Potter and there's a scene where this kid has to be really mean to Harry. Yeah.

And he's just like, I'm sorry, Harry. Boo fucking ho. Your mom and dad are dead. And I was like, this kid is a day player.

He's so excited to be in a scene with Daniel Radcliffe. So he's like, it's like, action! Boo-hoo, Harry! Your parents are dead! Cut! I'm so honored to be working with you. This is a real thrill. Oh my gosh, yes.

Can we please do a photo after? Action! You sniffling twat! Oh my gosh, that's so funny. I just think that's a, these are what I call playground bits. Once you have the premise, you can kind of do it forever. I can lateral move that, which is,

and hopefully build on it, which is like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is like that. It's like, Daddy, I want a Stalsberry too. And then it's like, cut. And it's like, Mr. Perkins, I am so honored to be working with you.

You know what I've never gotten to work? You just made me think of meeting famous people. I only said this on stage once, and it really killed. I don't know why I haven't tried it again. I just go me think of meeting famous people. I only said this on stage once and it really killed. I don't know why I haven't tried it again. I just go, I met Matt Damon, which is weird because now I could be in his dreams. That's good.

That's a good premise. Yeah, that's a good premise. Yeah. Yeah. Not like a main part. No he would be like fighting with a dragon and i would be off to the side going like Has anybody seen my cap? My cap is perfect. Oh my God.

That's your role in Matt Damon's dream. And he wakes up and he's like, he doesn't remember who I am, but I'm still in there. I just like, I like that I'm in there. Yeah. The other Harry Potter bit was,

I'm so 40, there's a scene in the Harry Potter movie we were watching where they're in a bedroom and they're explaining the adventure that they're going to go on and all the things that they're going to have to do. And I was like, if I was Harry in this scene, I'd just be getting in the bed like, yeah, that sounds great. That sounds like, you know, maybe I'm just going to lay low for a bit. And they're like, but we have to get Voldemort. And I'm like, yeah, these things have a way of working themselves out. That's very funny. I think it's hilarious.

And then also when you said I'm so 40, I had potentially a setup for that, which is like, I'm so 40 the way that Raven is so Raven. That's right. I'm unmistakably 40. That's really fun. It's not funny, though. You didn't say funny. You said fun. No, I'm writing it down. The way Raven... Sometimes I find that to be code with comedians when they say that's fun. It's like,

eh, that's not a laugher. I hear you. Let's see if I have any new COVID jokes. We're all swingers. It's like, it's like we're potted up. And then if you're like, okay, if you want to go see other people,

if you're going to see other people, communication is key. Okay. Oh my gosh. You got to tell me what you did. You're going to tell me what you touched. You're going to tell me what you breathed. And cause I don't want you getting me sick you touched. You're going to tell me what you breathed.

Yeah. Because I don't want you getting me sick, okay? When was the last time you got tested? Yeah. I mean, we're basically all just in the lifestyle now. Yeah. I also, every morning I wake up, not sure if it's COVID or dairy regret.

That's very funny. That's hilarious. That's just true. You are vegan though right i often will cheat with ice cream especially during all this calling you on your shit like you're calling me on my jesus shit that wasn't your jesus shit um is this anything i'm going to miss social distancing like i, I... I like it. I like that. I like that it takes all these variables out.

Now when people leave, like, you can give them a two-hand shove-off wave, like you're saying goodbye to a boat. Or you're a baseball coach hoping the ball goes inbounds. I'm just imagining that.

A two-hand wave. I also like... Yeah, that's very funny. I also enjoy that the Japanese nodding is in fashion. Yes. I like that too. The Japanese bow is in fashion. I like it too. Which I've always enjoyed to begin with.

I've always enjoyed a good Japanese bow. Here's a good one, Mikey. I don't want to go back to driving to see my therapist. Like, zoom it. Oh, yeah. Zoom it. I used to drive 90 minutes. Wait, wait, wait.

Can we circle back to the handshake thing before? Because I actually think that there's a little more there. Sorry to, like, interrupt you and circle back, but like, it's, it's like COVID as horrible as it is, has shed a light on why the fuck were we shaking hands in the first place? Like, does anyone know why we were shaking hands? I know. Well,

historically it was to show that you didn't have a weapon. Yes. Can't, can't we just assume I don't have a weapon? I don't like the hand... I've never liked the handshakes. I understand. Can I see how clammy you are?

Yes. I'm sorry. Go ahead with your other bit. Can I have that? I just thought... Yeah, you can have that. Why handshakes? Why handshakes?

I like that. No weapon. I think that's good. I think that's good. think that's good yeah i think it'll be how clammy you are so i used to drive 90 minutes to see my therapist so 90 minutes hour session 90 minutes four hours why what do i gotta smell you zoom it yeah yeah yeah are we gonna touch you said that's inappropriate. We're working on it. Zoom it!

I just think it's funny to celebrate what we have to do. I used to drive 90 minutes to see my therapist. For what? To wipe my tears? I can zoom it. He's not helping. He's not wiping no tears. I got my own tears covered.

That's funny. That's great. Wait, I'm driving 90 minutes so that he can hold me? He doesn't hold me. He could hold me, by the way. If he held me, it'd be worth the 90 minutes. That's really funny. That might be a funny riff, too, about therapy,

which is like, and I've been in therapy since I had a really, really rough breakup when I was like 20 years old. Yeah. I've been in therapy ever since. But, you know, when my life fell apart, and I've never put it back together ever since. But there is something with therapy where it's like,

what is the added value here? Is there any way that we could get, like, it would be, wouldn't it be great if your therapist also drove you to the airport? That's hilarious. Yeah, couldn't we multitask? We're going to talk for an hour. How about you give me a ride to the airport? That's hilarious. Yeah. Couldn't we multitask? We're going to talk for an hour. How about you give me a ride to the airport? Yeah, yeah. That's a great line. I feel like that's your line. No, no, you keep that. Is it possible we can double up on this stuff? I have to grab some

kiwi at a Whole Foods. Here's a rapid fire. Yeah, yeah, rapid fire. I never thought I was a jealous guy. This is true. But if I'm ever listening to a female singer and out of nowhere she has a male guest singer, I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? I know. I thought we had a thing. I thought you were gently whispering into my ear. Like I was listening to Phoebe Bridgers and then all of a sudden it's like, on a suicide pack and I'm like, who the fuck are you?

I know. I was under the impression we were in love. That's right. That's what it is. Yeah. Can I give you a one line? What's the name of the singer? What's the name of the singer? Phoebe Bridges.

You're like, Hi, Phoebe. Little thing. When you were singing, I was singing with you. And I know that you get a lot of this, but I was singing with you. And so when that guy came on,

sort of a buzzkill. I know this is just an email. I don't know if it'll get to you. It was press at phoeberogers.com, but just wanted you to know. That's great. Sincerely, unknown comedian Pete Holmes. Hilarious.

Here's a one-liner. Are you ready? Yeah. If you preferred Fruitybbles to cocoa pebbles, you weren't hungry, you were thirsty. Like in general, as a kid, like I was a hungry kid. We go to the ice cream truck, I get the ice cream double cookie sandwich. You're getting some fucking push pop. I was starving. I know the foods that fill you up.

And Fruity Pebbles is a walk through hydration. Cocoa Pebbles is like carbo loading. It's going to help you. Yeah, I like that a lot. I also feel that way about cereal. And, you know, you're looking for a dessert too. It's like if you're eating Count Chocula cereal,

you know, maybe we should be talking about this being an after-dinner activity. It sounds like you're a little short in the sweets department. That's good. I like that. I got a new bed and it has Wi-Fi. I don't know what this

means for me, but I'm looking forward to the next time I go to a coffee shop and they're like, sorry, we don't have Wi-Fi. So I can be like, you don't have Wi-Fi? My bed has Wi-Fi. That might be my favorite one.

My bed has Wi-Fi. But one last thing. You have to say a nonprofit that we're going to give money to this week. Oh, sure. I donate Speaking of Matt Damon to water.org. That's awesome. That's a really good one. Yeah, is one that I like.

Or Feeding America is one that I like. Well, don't say too many because then I'll have to give to all of them. Okay, Sierra Club, Greenpeace, Amnesty. It's just like, oh, Jesus. Don't do this to me, Pete. Love, serve, remember. It's a pandemic. We're struggling. We are donating each week. But water.org is one that I've really admired for so long. And I'm in Matt Damon's dream.

And you're in Matt Damon's dream? Just going, has anyone seen my cap? Petey, I love you. Thanks for being on the podcast. And thanks for helping me launch it. Wow. Working it out, because it's not done. Working it out, because there's no hope. Wow, that was another episode of Working It Out with up-and-comer Pete Holmes.

Follow him at PeteHolmes everywhere. You follow people. And listen to his podcast, You Made It Weird, one of the grandfather podcasts one of the trailblazers and uh and he's been so supportive of me over the years i so appreciate it and he makes makes me laugh so hard our producers of working it out are myself along with peter salamone and joseph berbiglia consulting producer seth bar Barish, Sound Mix by Kate Balinski, Assistant Editor Mabel Lewis. Thanks to Mike Insiglieri, Mike Berkowitz, as well as Marissa Hurwitz.

Special thanks to Jack Antonoff for our music. As always, a special thanks to my wife, the poet J-Hope Stein. Our book, The New One, Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad, with poems by J-Hope Stein, is curbside. Support your local bookstores. Always a special thanks to my daughter Una who created my radio fort. Thanks most of all to

you who have listened. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies to register to vote. And after that, come here because we're working it out. I actually was going to ask you, you know how when you go to, when you're touring, you do the local radio show and they ask you to do a read,

they go like, hey, just say, hey, it's Pete Holmes. You're listening to 93Q The Buzz, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. So I just had a couple for you before we got going here. And you can sort of put your own spin on it, whatever you want to do. I'm Pete Holmes and you're listening to Working It Out, which is a better podcast than mine.

Just whatever you want to do with that. So we're rolling. So we're rolling. Whenever you want to go ahead and do whatever you want, just have fun with it. Very funny. Now, why don't you bring this energy onto the stage? Have you considered that?

Have you considered harnessing this ability and sharing it with the people instead of these very dry monologues that you do? I got one more. I got one more. Petey, we just have three here. We got, if you just say, I'm Pete Holmes, and many people mistake me for Mike Birbiglia, but I am taller and less funny. Just in your own words, whatever comes out,

just have fun with it.