Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 53. Pete Holmes Returns: Paperback Pete and His Soft Body

Episode Date: September 3, 2021

Mike welcomes back one of our most beloved guests, Pete Holmes, to celebrate the paperback release of The New One. Pete has a lot to say about hardcovers, hardbodies, and how his father asks him questions just he so can answer them himself. Mike calls this "an expert's edition" of Working It Out because the slow round and the new material all swirl into one singular soft serve ice cream comedy cone. https://cac.org/

Hey everybody, it's Mike. It is paperback week for the new one, Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad with poems by J. Hope Stein, my wife, the poet, who is here with me today. Hello, Mike. You never call me Mike, which is why it's so funny. You call me Mo. Yeah, I just thought I would be more formal for the podcast. This is a very serious podcast, as you know. Michael, when you look back on writing a book with me, what are your regrets? My regrets are none.

I have no regrets. I'm actually really happy about it. It came out in June 2020, and it comes out in paperback this week. And my favorite part about the book is the moments where there's a synchronicity between my point of view comedically and your point of view poetically which when we were putting the book together was real happenstance sometimes where it actually fit together in this really

lovely way i agree i think we were surprised by that where you would write something and then i would be like wait i actually wrote something around the same time that sort of fits in there somehow. But we had never had discussed it at the time. And those were fun little surprises. And your parts are always better. And I won't let you chime in or interrupt me. I'm not going to argue with you unless we're like in therapy or something. Save that for a professional. Save that for the big kids. Pick up a copy of the new one at your local bookstore or get the audio book

because you get this beautiful thread-counted voice of J-Hope Stein. Hey, everybody. We're back with a new episode of Working It Out. I'm so excited to have with us today one of our most popular guests of all time, the host of You Made It Weird, his own podcast, the star co-creator of Crashing on HBO, one of my favorite stand-ups, one of my close friends.

We give each other a hard time about a lot of stuff. We have fun. We work out a lot of jokes, so many jokes in this episode. And I'm thrilled to have back, for his return to working it out, my good friend, Pete Holmes. We're working it. Pete Holmes.

All right, Petey. So when you wrote Comedy Sex God, your book, which is now on paperback as well. It's not on paperback. Oh, is it not? Yeah, no, I don't know how that works. When a book does well, like really well, it goes to paperback. So congratulations on your paperback, which you'd think would be the opposite.

It's like a book does really well and they're like, let's put a hardcover on this gem. But they're like, oh, this book's so good. Let's make it easier to throw away. Let's make it so it doesn't survive a day at the pool. No water damage for this one. I want it folded up in the back pocket of a rebellious kid in the 80s, but he's also pretty smart. I have to say, I enjoy reading a book on a Kindle, but I also think, sometimes I do think, you might as well just send me the Word document.

I mean, what are we doing here? Yeah, I don't like it. I don't want it. I don't want it on a Kindle. I don't care how book-like it is. I like the paper. I like to write. Okay, so like when I read like David Sedaris' books or Mary Carr's book, for example, I write in the margins. Do you write in the margins?

I write notes in the margins. Of course I write in the margins. What am I? You know why I write in the margins, Mikey? So when I die, people will go through my old books and go, wow, he was learned. Yes. He was interacting with the book.

What he wrote in the margin is better than the book. Yeah, yeah, he was in dialogue with the book. We didn't know. Yeah. We didn't know who was walking amongst us. Yes, that's right. A scholar. That's also why I won't, if I fold over, if I earmark a page, and then I only read one page,

because I have a child and I give up and I have to do something, I'll just go back and re-earmark the page I already earmarked for fear that when I die, people will go and be like, I think he read this one page at a time. One page per sitting. I'm only reading so people find it after I die, is what I'm saying. When you were writing your book, did you enjoy writing the book? Is it a hot riff if it's met with... When you were writing your book, was that a hot riff?

A full breath. Did my riffing on earmarking and notarizing in the sides, did that do so well if the host... No, I thought it was funny. Who's here to, like, riff with me and build bits, just goes... When you were writing your book, like, am I killing? I had nothing...

Look... To add. You know what? I had nothing to add. Well, you know what, actually? Let me zoom out on the show, because we're one year into the Working It Out podcast, which you were a huge part of.

You've done You Made It Weird for years and years and years. You've done hundreds of episodes. You've had amazing guests. And you sort of taught me a lot about podcasting and sort of how to do it independently and get it off the ground. So I appreciate it. I thanked you in the last episode. I thank you again. But I want to say something about the show that pivots into a question, which is, what about your show do you feel like is misunderstood? Because I feel like

the thing about this show that's misunderstood is sometimes people will go, the bits on the show that they're doing aren't funny. And I go, no, no, the show literally is called Working It Out. They're unfinished, and that's why you're able to be a fly on the wall to the process, and that's the premise of the podcast. It's literally the premise. And so if you're not on board for that, then you're definitely not on board for the show. And like a fly on a wall, most days are disappointing.

You don't have a lot of great days when you're a fly, just kind of landing on walls, eating your own shit, eating other people's shit. So enjoy. You're welcome. Be a fly. Now, that's interesting. I don't know what's misunderstood about my podcast. Maybe that it's a comedy podcast and not every episode is funny.

The joke I make on our show is we stopped being funny. We stopped trying to be funny 10 years ago. But I like your podcast, and I'll recommend it to listeners of this one. You made it weird. I think one of the strengths of it is you talk about religion, you talk about God, you talk about, like, beliefs to your core or lack of beliefs.

And I find that when you cut through all of that veneer, you end up getting some of the most authentic interviews I've ever heard. I really appreciate that, man. Yeah, it's funny, you know, when you do ask people, there are all these really interesting studies, Mikey. There are studies that people behave differently when you remind them of their mortality.

Like, that's just a fact. Oh, that's interesting. If you want, I don't want to bore you, but they did this study where they showed two groups of 15 people each. I made that number up. Two groups of people. And they showed one group a film that had nothing to do with anything. It's like The Control. It was just like a fun, pleasant cartoon.

And then they had them go into a room. And in the room, there was a picture frame with a wire on the back of it, a nail, and a crucifix. And they were like, hang up the picture. And the people that watched the cartoon took the crucifix, as you would, put the nail in the wall, and hammered it in with the crucifix. It is kind of a hammer. You know, you don't really think of Jesus, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, as being a hammer. But you can hammer with a cross.

It's no problem. But the second group, they showed them a film that very subtly reminded you of your mortality. In another way, sort of put you in a more reverent, like kind of maybe scared, like what's going on here mood. Or I guess the results show reverence. And no one in that group would hang up the picture. Oh, really? Like, what's going on here, mood. Or I guess the results show reverence. And no one in that group would hang up the picture.

Oh, really? And the reason I mention that, there's a lot of studies, Mikey, that are just... The other study, I think this is fascinating. This is in my friend Science Mike's book. It's called You're a Miracle and a Pain in the Ass. It's a great book. His name is Science Mike? His name is Mike McCarg, but I call him Science Mike. People call him Science Mike.

You're going to love this study. People go into a room and they are given like magnetic poetry and they're told to make poems out of the magnetic poetry. And then they leave. So everybody doing this study probably thinks like, oh, you're studying like, what am I going to, what kind of poems do I make based on the color of the wall or something? And it's not that at all. They measure the speed that you walk out of the room with based on the words they give you. So some groups are given the

words like lethargic, dull, you know, meandering. So it ends up priming you. And that's exactly what it is. And it primes you. And those people would walk out of the room 30% slower than the group that was given words like swift, fast. So my point is, if there's anything I've learned from those two studies is we do cast spells on one another. And if you remind people of the immediacy of the moment,

if you remind them of the preciousness of the moment, that's kind of a positive way of saying the temporary nature of life. You end up going like, look, one day Mikey will be gone and people may or may not listen to this, but this will exist. And this is all that exists is you and I doing this podcast right now. That casts a little spell, like it's like real magic. And it makes me a little bit more engaged with this podcast. It makes you a little bit more potentially engaged with this podcast. Makes the people listening a little bit more engaged because this is your life. How you feel right now is how you feel about your life. So it helps you lock into what you're doing. And that's where you get better interviews. And sometimes that comes from like, what do you think happens

when you die? Or what narrative, why do you think the when you die? Or what do you, what narrative, what, why do you think the world was created or what, what, what's going on here? Yeah. Those types of questions lend to intimacy and, and more, um, revealing conversations. Yeah. It's, um, you know, it's one of the funny things that I've learned about the podcast from doing the podcast and having so many different types of people. It's like two sides of the coin in terms of interaction are like,

Bill Hader was on the podcast laughing his ass off, has a ball with jokes. Neil Brennan, also a very funny comic, doesn't laugh at all the whole time. And when I'm in the edit of the podcast and I'm chopping it down so it's palatable for people to listen to, I'm always sort of veering towards the laughter, but actually it's kind of akin to a laugh track on a sitcom where you actually don't need people to laugh for the people who enjoy the laugh lines.

Well, you never know what people are laughing at on a podcast. That's one of the things I really like about it. I've actually thought about doing stand-up with air traffic control headphones on so I can't hear them. And that way they're a little bit more free to just laugh at whatever they want without influencing. Sure. Like a blind taste test. Exactly.

I've never done it, but if I was going to do like a wacky performance piece. But of course the reason I wouldn't do that is stand-up is the interplay between the laughing and the laughing. But let's break this apart because there is a boon in podcasting. And, of course, you've been in it for 10-plus years. And I've been in it for just over a year. But I think part of the reason there is a boon is precisely the thing you're saying, which is people don't want to be seen laughing at what they are laughing at. That's true.

Because laughing is, it's partly visceral. It's partly physical and it's partly a choice, right? It's both of those things simultaneously. Something just makes you laugh in your gut. Sometimes you choose to laugh and we've all seen what that looks like. That's right. I mean, I'm guilty of it. If I'm watching you, for example, all seen what that looks like. That's right. I mean, I'm guilty of it. If I'm watching you, for example, I have to pretend to laugh.

That's hilarious. I mean, this is another interesting study that came up on my podcast. If you slow down a real laugh, it sounds like a baboon in heat. It's the most primal. I mean, get Malcolm Gladwell on the horn. You know what? We gotta get him back. We gotta get him back.

This is so in his alley. We're getting mugged. That's how up his alley we are. When you slow it down, it sounds like a noise you would be so embarrassed to make. It sounds like almost like throwing up or protecting your turf

or something that you'd hear at the zoo. It's so primal. Slow down a fake laugh and it sounds like this. No shit. It sounds like this. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Same thing, Mikey, with an orgasm. Slow down the sound of either gender, but most likely a female orgasming. And it sounds like, again, like a primate, like something, a noise you would be embarrassed to make. And a fake orgasm sounds like, ooh, la la, you got me. Like it's so fake. And you know, you can perceive it.

But what you're saying is actually more interesting. And I have a bit about this too, or I used to do it, which is like at the beginning of the show, the audience is warming up. The comedian is warming up. Yeah. Some of the laughs, they're not fake. They're encouraged.

Yeah. And you know what? That's what I do when I'm in an audience too. Hang out with my three-year-old. She will only give you real laughs. Guess what? Yes, exactly. You're only getting one every hour.

And, you know, tickling, throwing, big shit, big shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, clowny stuff. Grown-ups learn that life is hard. Life is lonely. Laughter feels good. It's this beautiful, corporate. They lean into it. They lean into it.

They lean into it. And that's one of the things that separates us from the animals. Literally, in my example, it makes us not primates. We are primates, but you know what I mean? It's a beautiful, like, I'm going to laugh in hopes of future laughs that are more a higher cut of genuine. I'm not sure I trust you anymore because you just said we're not primates. And then you said in the same breath, we are primates. We are primates. Yeah, I was correcting myself. Okay. But I was correct. Wouldn't you not trust me if I said we're not primates. We are primates. Yeah, I was correcting myself. Okay. But I was correct. Wouldn't you not trust me if I said

we're not primates? What else are we and aren't we, Pete? No, I was correcting myself if I said we're not human beings. And I was like, oh, we are human beings. It was a real-time correction. It was a control Z in real time.

This is the thing we do called the slow round. Do you have a memory on a loop that you always think of? It's not even a story. You couldn't even tell it as a story because there's not enough there. Constantly. Yeah. In fact, my day is anchored with memories, flashes of memories at the same time in the day. You know what I'm saying? Like in the evening, there's the certain memories that show up. This is one of the, this is, I'm going to get to my answer, but this is one of the most beautiful things comedy can do for people is when Rory

Scovel has a joke about how Democrats are the people that, uh, that, uh, when a lane is ending, he's like, they all get to the right first. And he's like, and Republicans are the ones that wait until the very end. You know what I'm saying? Like the left lane is ending and Democrats get over right away. And Republicans use it as a passing lane until the last second. And then he goes, and the people at the front that let the Republicans in, those are the liberals. Like those are the bleeding liberals that are like, okay, go ahead, go ahead. liberals like those are the the bleeding liberals that are like okay go ahead go go ahead yeah anyway what i'm saying is when you have a bit that addresses a situation that every time that

situation happens you now have this touchstone which is a joke uh that's one of the things that makes life feel less lonely yeah like sorry to reference myself but i was doing a show with somebody and they were like you know i always think of you because I say edited it. And I have a joke about edited it. About how it's like a flaw in our language. It's too many diddits. I edited it. And then I say like, and people have had to say edited it in serious situations.

Like, I'm leaving you, Diane. You didn't edit our wedding video. And she's like, I did. I edited it. I edited it. I edited it. I edited it. I edited it. I think I say it's like a handful of marbles cascading down a wooden staircase. Did it, did it, did it, did it.

And somebody was like, every time I say edited it, I think of that. That's one of the reasons. That's what good art should do is it's these breadcrumbs. Because we're all just like in the dryer. You know what I mean? We're all just like in the dryer. You know what I mean? We're just tumbling around the dryer. And then something happens to you and you go, that reminds me of what I should have said was nothing.

And you go, oh, I'm not alone. That's a beautiful thing. But to answer your question. I love your metaphor. We're all bouncing around in the dryer. We are in the dryer. I'm not 100% sure what it means, but I like the imagery of it. It means we're tumbling around in the dryer. We are in the dryer. I'm not even 100% sure what it means, but I like the imagery of it. It means we're tumbling around in the dark, Mikey.

And if you find a sock, cling on to it. Like, it's not, it's not, what I'm saying is we all forget how strange this is. I'm not getting all metaphysical.

No, no. I'm just saying. You don't have to disclaim we all forget how strange this is. That is a hundred percent. There you go. That is a hundred percent accepted. If you go through your day just acting like it's normal to buy pants and

look up at the sun, just like a star that's close enough to us to heat us and grow our food, and you just like want to read a tweet about Scarlett Johansson suing Disney, you've just done a really good job forgetting how fucking crazy this is.

Yeah, that we're on a star. And the reason that's bad is, on the other side of how fucking crazy this is, and how kind of scary this is, on the other side of that coin is how amazing this is and how much wonder you should be feeling it's albert einstein you either act like nothing is a miracle or everything is a miracle and i'm i'm in that camp i'm in the everything is a mirror all all markers are magic yeah i buy that but it's also a miracle that you, salmon are swimming upstream, but then they're dead 40 minutes later.

Well, tell me if this is a bit. I believe life will be okay. When I say everything will be okay, I mean— Some version of life for someone will be okay. That's what I'm saying. And that is the mystical perspective. Yeah. When I say don't worry, there's a plan. Yeah. That plan doesn't necessarily involve. It might not include you. Yeah, yeah. That's right.

It might not involve the United States of America in 2021. It might not. I've got some good news and some bad news. God has a plan. The bad news is you might not be in the plan. Yeah. I think that's a funny bit. Can I run another one by you?

Yeah, please. I think it's funny. I have some... By the way, I think this is called... We're going to call this Working It Out Expert Edition today. Because you're a repeat...

Expert. You're a repeat visitor. You're one of our first repeat visitors. In addition to Judd Apatow, who was your producer on Crashing. I'm just so happy to be back. It's really good to be here. Let me...

I have nothing. I have nothing. I have nothing. I haven't done stand-up in like so long. We're going to call this expert edition, which is we're going to go back and forth between slow round and new material. Usually it's cut up, but now we're just mixing it all together. I'll give you a memory. It's cut up, but now we're just mixing it all together.

I'll give you a memory. Coming home from the beach, in that way that salt water makes your skin sort of extra sensitive. Yeah, sort of raw. Raw. You're raw from the salt water of the Cape and getting into a clawfoot bathtub. I think about that all the time. Cape Cod.

Cape Cod where you and I grew up going that all the time. Cape Cod. Cape Cod, where you and I grew up, going there in the summers. Going there, going to Falmouth. You go to Wingashake Beach. One of the funniest things about you is that you and I both grew up in Mass, but your dad legitimately

has the full-on Boston accent. I've been trying to make this work lately, is that my dad says, okay, after things that don't need the word okay. He'll be like, I got myself a bottle of water, okay? That's a bit. Who didn't believe you?

Who was like, you didn't get a bottle of water? Like, no way. I'm going down to the Shropshire shop, okay? Okay? So I'm jogging down I-95, okay? And you're like, no, no, we're with you. We're with you already. So I'm driving my pickup truck in a parade, okay?

And you're like, no, no, I know. It's a story. We don't need an affirmation to continue. But my dad does it like a threat. Like, don't you dare challenge me. So I go in to get a haircut, okay? It's like, I didn't say bullshit. Yeah, yeah.

But he's preempting your calling bullshit. Yeah. I asked for a haircut, okay? It's like, I didn't say bullshit. Yeah, yeah. But he's preempting your calling bullshit. Yeah. I asked for a haircut, okay? It's a really very aggressive move. I think, maybe this is a tag for it,

maybe not, but every now and then I'm tempted to go in the middle of his story, wait a minute. You did what? And then just see what happens. That's really funny.

My dad also is at the age where he only asks questions to tell you what he would have said to the question. Yeah. If you run into this. Speaking of Judd, he'll be like, what do you think is the most important characteristic of a director? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll, like a fool, I go, okay.

Well, you know, Judd's a writer and I think that's helpful. He, you know, helps write the material and he's good with rehearsal and I'll talk for five minutes. And then he's just sitting there going, and then when I stop, he goes, I think it's decisiveness. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Pete, we might as well have the same dad. I think it's decisiveness. Whatever question he's asking is fundamentally just a setup for his perfect answer to the question he's theoretically asking you. Right.

He's really orating. He goes like, what is the most important characteristic of a director? I say decisiveness, but unfortunately you're there. So you have to be like, are you talking to me? The other day it was, I was visiting my parents. My dad goes, what do you think was the most seminal event of the 20th century? I go, maybe World War II. World War II.

And the whole thing was set up for him to do a rant on World War II. And then he went into it. He didn't even hear you getting it right, is maybe the most Boston dad thing I've ever heard in my life. Oh, can I tell you this? I performed at the Cape Cod Melody Tent a few weeks ago, and it was lovely. Did they pay you in steamers, kid? Oh, my God.

We got you a paycheck here, Mikey. We're paying you in lobsters. Fucking steamers. Lobsters and steamers. And it ain't no lazy lobster, kid. You crack it yourself. Oh, my God. All right.

All right. Oh, my gosh. No, I got paid in lobsters and steamers and little necks. Of course. No, but I performed in Cape Cod and I'm performing in Boston at the Wilba in October. I somehow convinced my parents not to go to the Cape Cod show, which has an extraordinary amount of material about them. I somehow made it their idea. I don't know how I did that. That's amazing.

Yeah, that is amazing. I'm familiar with this type of dark magic. I'm going to do it again in October when I'm in Boston. It's going to be their idea. They don't know how to turn on podcasts, so they're not going to hear this. Yeah, that's right. And then, if the show, God willing, goes to Broadway or off-Broadway next fall, I'm going to hear this. Yeah, that's right. And then if the show, God willing,

goes to Broadway or off-Broadway next fall, I'm going to also convince them not to come to that. You know what, Mikey? And by the way, I love my parents, but I'm uncomfortable with them seeing the comedy material. I found a lot of mileage in the line, it's not for moms and it's not for dads. It's not for moms, it's not for dads. It's not for moms, it's not for dads.

And then you know what I do, Mikey? I go, why would it be? What kind of lunatic would I be if I did a show that was like, everyone in America will like this. No, you're right. Including my own mother will like this. I don't, it's not, it's, that would be insanity. I have this joke about how I like soft bodies. I really do.

I like being soft, and Val is soft, and I like soft bodies. I'm like, why do we want to be hard? Everybody wants to be a Corvette. I want a Winnebago with one flat tire. Because I'm a Tempur-Pedic mattress. Val's a Tempur-Pedic mattress. It's soft. And then I go,

Jennifer Aniston, Gwyneth Paltrow, you can pick anybody. I go, I understand they look good, but you turn off the lights. You're like, what am I having sex with Michael Phelps right now? That's funny. I have a tag, which is you say, I'm a Tempur-Pedic mattress. You go, what are you trying to be? A box spring?

That's a great one. What's fun? A box spring? That's a great one. What's fun about a box spring? That's great. I've been working out. I'm like a box spring. Well, Mikey, that fits in perfectly. I love the sound of typing keys on the show, by the way. And I'm not kidding.

Yeah, no, I believe it. Imagine if I did Foley work for that. We added it in in post. I go, when you hug me, when you hug me, it's like being in the womb. It's soft and it's safe. You ever hug a muscly person? You're like, what, are you mad at me? It's true.

what are you mad at me? Yeah. It's true. Like, I've never handed Kumail my baby, but if I did, I have to think Leela would be like, what is this?

Yeah. The, is this, am I inside of Congress right now? That's hilarious. How about this? Pillars and hardwood floors. How about this? The,

oh, this is another misunderstanding of people on the podcast. Someone wrote, someone wrote in the comments on Apple Podcasts that Mike's trying to one-up his guests. They were upset about it. Like, one-up? Literally, the show is yes and, yes and.

Here's your premise, yes and that. I'll say my premise, you yes and that. I don't want to be the two idiot stand-ups that are like, nobody understands our lifestyle. But I've gotten that same comment before, where people are like nobody understands our lifestyle but i've gotten that same comment before where people are like pete if your guest is funny just let them have the win and move on you don't have to like add to it i was like my whole life has been learning how to add to it it's called show business it's also the thing that we enjoy most about being comics is sharing.

So I have another tag, speaking of which, which is like, you know, you're all about soft versus hard. It's like, you tell me which candy you would rather be handed, a peep or a candy cane. That's great. I love the soft versus hard premise because I've been getting in shape. A lot of my show is about how I had type 2 diabetes

and I've lost weight for health reasons, but I've still not gone the other way, which is like, I got to make this body hard. There's something about that that I find disconcerting. Well, you would love this bit. You would love this bit. I mean that I'm just like, I find disconcerting. Well, you would love this bit. You would love this bit. I mean, I go into like, I don't want to have sex with a pepper grinder. I don't want to have sex with a banister.

And you know what's weird? See, what I find about it— But what's the opposite of the banister? Like in the pepper grinder? Don't you think you have to have opposites to make the bit work? I've already set up that I'm a Tempur-Pedic mattress, and then I say, you know, Jennifer Aniston, turn the lights off. It's like a drafting table.

And I go, what am I, a cartoonist? I don't need a drafting table, which I find very funny. Well, what about this? It's like, what would you rather wrap your arms around? The banister or the carpet on the stairs? Yeah, that's good. I mean, like, if you want to do that, I don't find it necessary. All right. In fact, I rewrote, uh, that sounds like I'm mad at

you. I don't want to be a candy cane. I want to be a peep. I find that to be the way I would say that. And then I go, you're going to like this part. I really think you're going to like this part. I go, um, soft, soft. I'm just yelling soft over and over. And then I go, and by the way, history is with me. Go to any museum. Who were they carving? Thick

women. Michelangelo just looking at the person like, bring me a big block. I got a job ahead of me. Rubenesque. I don't even know what Rubenesque means. I think it means they ate a lot of Rubens. It's just about, that's my

favorite thing to do, is to be in the middle of a piece and to sneak in a joke that wouldn't work on its own, but works because of its placement. And that's Rubenesque. You sneak it in. By the way, this isn't something we've never talked about on the show, but we should. Because a lot of creatives listen to the show.

You had a show on HBO called Crashing, which is a great show. And you had a writer's room. So you had probably, I know Beth Stelling was on the staff, and a bunch of people on the staff who were really good comedians and writers. But there's probably's probably what six or seven writers in the writers room it fluctuated but yeah around that yeah and then ultimately someone's name is on the episode as written by but actually it's not really written by that person because it was the whole group of writers who like group minded together of like what about this what

about this what about this what about this what this? Which is literally what we're doing with hard bodies, soft bodies. And then we came to a conclusion. Then ultimately the vessel who delivers the monologue and the way of wording it is you. So you just re sculpted my peeps line into a Pete Holmes version of the peeps observation of your premise in the first place, which I think is the best example I can think of on this show of like a writer's room moment. Because once all the brainstorming is pushed through the filter of the voice

of the main thing, in this case, my voice, we decide, we collectively agree that it will now no longer be known as a Mike Birbiglia line. We go, that is gone. We have a ceremony. The Mike is gone. May Pete live forever.

May the bit reign for all of time. A lot of my stuff that I'm talking about in my show right now has to do with going to the YMCA pool when I was like five and being in the locker room and feeling uncomfortable with nudity and all that kind of stuff. But I actually was going to run some material by you, which is when I was five, my mom took me to the YMCA pool in Worcester and I hated everything about it because I remember it feeling sweaty and wet and dirty and clean. And I'm drying myself off with a towel that's only slightly less wet than me. And there's soupy water and echoes of kids shouting and it's so humid it feels like it might rain indoors

it's beautiful i love that i mean as i'm a sensitive person as well so like being in a locker room and hearing the echo and screams yes it's just like i'm never i'm not used to that like i'm still not used to that and the humidity this. This is what comedians are, by the way. This is why I don't want to close the gate to the word comedian. I mean, this is going to sound absurd, but like the people listening who relate to what we're saying, you're practically comedians

because you're sensitive. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, if you understand what Mikey just said, you're like 70% a comedian. And that just means you're very sensitive. Some people are going through life, again, buying pants, eating hamburgers, and some people are going like,

that echoey scream did something to me on a deep level. And those are funny people. It's interesting, because in light of the book coming out on paperback, Jen and I co-wrote this, co-authored this book, The New Unpainfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad with poems by J. Hope Stein. And one of the things that we always have to address and we forget as a couple as a

married couple we've been married for over a decade and we have to address sometimes wait a minute we are two sensitive people who professionally are sensitive like being a comedian being a poet you're literally your job is to have your antenna being sort of out at all times yeah to take in stimuli and in a lot of cases you over accept stimuli and so jen and i often end up in these situations where it's like oh my god like we're both so sensitive about the identical thing. And then we have to unpeel the layers of it and be like, okay, we have to remind ourselves that I'm a comedian and you're a poet and we're both very sensitive. And that's okay. Yeah, that's right. There was even, I forget who wrote it and that's a shame, but there was a poem

about asking a poet for another poem is to ask the universe to break their heart again oh my god i like that isn't that funny yeah and it's similar it's like hey mikey where's when's your next movie coming i love your movies very much i think they're masterpieces and when i'm like when's your next movie coming out i'm really saying like hey mikey when will you be so haunted by an idea that you have to dedicate a year of your life to it? Oh my gosh. Hey, Mikey, is anything disturbing your sleep? Oh my gosh. In kind of a good way, but kind of an unpleasant way?

Yeah. A little of both. Can't wait for that. So I can be happy for two hours. Yeah. And you have to bleed for a year. Can I tell you a couple of other YMCA references? Sure.

A couple of other YMCA references? Sure. Can I tell you a couple of other YMCA jokes? The smell of chlorine is just wafting through every crevice of that building. Who told them to put that much chlorine in the water? Some guy's like, it's one pot water one pot chlorine i i i just want to that's great i don't have it but it's like um chlorine you know that weird guy at the deli i don't know how to explain a person without shaming some group, but you describe like a weird guy. Okay.

I don't, I think there's a way to do this. I don't have it. And then at the end of it, you go, his cologne would be chlorine. That's right. You know what I'm saying? I just like, I want it to be like, he's pale and he always slices too thin.

You're always worried that his hand touched your sandwich. Like there's a way to, but like, I don't know how to do it without insulting the very pale. I guess I would say, do you have memories of the YMCA? Because you grew up in Massachusetts. Did you go to the YMCA as a kid? I went to the public pool. We had a public pool. And one of my biggest laughs, the second time I ever did stand up in my life. I was in my college coffee shop, which we called Gilly's Lounge, and I was on stage. And it was the second time I had done stand up. Both times I did stand up, number one and number two, I did 45 minutes because I just didn't know how absurd that was. It wasn't good.

45 minutes because I just didn't know how absurd that was. It wasn't good. But I was just like, well, if I'm going to do it, I might as well do it for a long time. And one of the only big laughs I got was I went to the public pool and I'm a little

embarrassed to say it was predicated on a lie. It's that they told us that if we peed in the pool it would turn red. And of course that wasn't true. That's a great little story. But it was, you know, when you're in your first year, first two years of stand-up, you kind of still think, or at least I did, that that's what comedy is. It's like, imagine some funny stuff.

No, certainly. When really, now that I'm saying it, it's funny that it's like, imagine some funny stuff. No, certainly. When really, when really, now that I'm saying it, it's funny that it was like, they told us that the pee turned red, but it didn't. And we know because we all did our own independent study. That's a funny line. That's good. And it's true. That's good. That's one of my jokes right now is that there's signs everywhere that say no peeing in pool, which might as well say what better place to pee than the pool. I mean. Or only or only peeing in pool. And then I point out and I think this is true.

It's like the main culprits of being in the pool are not old enough to read that sign. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can I throw a couple quick jokes by you? Of course. One day I noticed a credit card was missing from my wallet, and then I realized anything could be missing from my wallet. I have no idea what's in my wallet. I was under the impression the wallet was in charge of making sure everything stays in the wallet. I just jotted that down the other day. I don't know if there's anything there. I would change it. I would say, what was missing? What was missing?

My credit card. I had the thing where I see the credit. Okay, let me rephrase it. Let me try to rephrase it. One day I noticed that my credit card was just lying on the couch next to my wallet. And then I go, what else isn't in the wallet? I'm not keeping track of what's in the wallet. I thought the wallet was keeping track of what's in the wallet. Here's how I would say it. I recently noticed my credit card wasn't in my wallet, which is a miracle. Because I have no idea what's in there.

It's like a junk drawer I keep in my pocket. Oh, that's great. You know how you have a loose idea of where the tape is in your house? That's very funny. That's my wallet.

That's fantastic. That's much better than what I just pitched. And then I wrote, I find it unnerving I find it unnerving when you use your credit card and they ask you

for your zip code as though someone who has successfully committed the felony of stealing my credit card will be tripped up by being asked the most obtainable piece of information about my life. that I've been trying to do a bit about this. I missed the swipe. I missed the swipe. I liked the swipe. I liked the swipe. And now what we have is you put it in.

The screen is saying, please insert your chip. Please insert your chip. And then you put it in. And then it goes, please don't remove your card. Don't remove it. And it beeps. It goes, don't remove your card. Don't remove your card. And then, after an arbitrary amount of time, it goes, it beeps more and goes, remove your card, remove your card, remove your card.

I'm like, you've been yelling at me for 15 minutes. What happened to the swipe? I got to feel like Zorro. Now it's barking orders at me. Give me the card. Don't take it back. Don't take it back. It's like, what are you, my mom?

I don't like it. All right. This is my last one. You have more? I think I missed the swipe. Deserves a try. Swipe is hilarious. Wait, are you going to take the swipe or are you going to give me the swipe?

Oh, you want me to give you the swipe? Oh, I thought you were giving me the swipe joke. I thought that's what was going on. I thought it was like, we're talking about our credit card bets. Oh, interesting. I already used it on stage. Hilarious. Mikey, almost.

I just popped out. I just did a set. I came back. I would believe you if you were Taylor Tomlinson, the hardest working person in show business. If you were Taylor, I would be like, you just did a set. I'm so sorry. I already did it, Petey.

All right, here I got another one. I got, the problem with my eating is that I'll have a good eating streak, like health-wise, and then I'll go to one of my daughter's kid birthday, you know, the friend's birthday parties. And they hand you cake and then ice cream and then pizza. Wow. And you're just going, I'm doing it for the kids. That's funny.

It's not for me. I'm getting diabetes for my child. If I don't eat this cake and pizza, who are these kids going to look up to? That's very funny. That's very funny. And then you leave the party, and this is true. I don't have a real joke about this.

Then you leave the party, and it's just sort of in your veins. And then you start thinking, well, I guess it's already in my veins. And then it becomes your whole life. That's really funny. It makes me think of how there are so many things I don't eat that my daughter will eat like like cake and pizza and ice cream yeah exactly yeah um but yeah that's a weird that's an interesting double standard um is this is just a premise i've noticed that if you see a really old guy like somebody in his 70s, that's not really, let's just say an old guy

in their 70s, and he's wearing an Apple watch, 100% his wife is also wearing an Apple watch. Like, when you're old... I don't know why I find that so funny, but it's very good. I'll tell you why. When you're old,

married couple, you sort of become like siblings. It's like if you get an Apple Watch, I'm getting an Apple Watch. Like we're both going to wear an Apple Watch. Does that make sense? I like that bit. Yeah. But I just had a tag for the thing, which is you got nice old couple, couple Apple watches, couple sandals

resort baseball caps. I think you paint the picture of the whole ensemble being sort of the same. That's right. Yeah, they merge. And you know what it's based on is I wear this. It's called an Apollo and Val wears one too. We just go around both wearing the same yeah yeah thing and it's just like yeah we're just becoming siblings oh wait can i can i throw one other tag into that

yeah sure i'm sorry they've got the same prescription sunglasses like i think there's something funny about prescription sunglasses because it's the epitome of representing as cool and uncool at the same time oh that's that's my go-to riff is they have transition lenses that are always in between the two settings they're never fully sunglasses they're never fully transparent i i just find that because it it to me is so sad the the the i'm thinking my ex-mother-in-law that had transition lenses but they were never fully sunglasses they just looked like 70s eyeglasses i had this one where i went into the doctor the other day and i he he put me on the scale, but the doctor still has like

the old fashioned abacus scale where it's like, you're not a thousand pounds. You're not zero pounds. You're not 900 pounds. You're not 30 pounds. You're not 720 pounds. You're not 80 pounds. You're 200 pounds. That's really funny. You're like, why did we spend two and a half hours on this? Well, then let me give this to you. Let me give this to you because I'd rather work on this because that feels too preachy. This is a true story. When I was in Iowa, I was doing a college.

This was 20 years ago. And I drove to the Field of Dreams. Okay. Like the actual Field of Dreams from the movie. The actual Field of Dreams. I had enough time. Maybe I had a day off wow

and I went to the field of dreams I'm telling you whether or not this is stand up this is one of the things that whenever I talk about it I already like it

or think about it it kills me it's like it just touches my what my sense of humor perfectly

so there it is it's the field of dreams they were smart they kept it up they made it into a tourist attraction it's a field of porn. It's the field of dreams. They were smart. They kept it up. They made it into a tourist attraction. It's a field of porn and it's the field of dreams and you can go to it. Okay. When you get there, it's clearly just the people that own the farm doing it. Yeah. Like it's not slick and they have a big sign when you arrive and it has some facts about it. And on the sign it says, and I took a picture of it,

Mikey, remember in the movie, it's if you build it, they will come. They will come, yeah, yeah. This sign in big letters says, Mikey, it says in big, permanent, printed out on a banner in Kinko's letters. It says, it was built it.

And now you've come. It was built it. And now you've come. It was built it. And now you've come. It was built it. It was built it. And now you've come. It was built it.

It was built it. And if you build it, it was built it. Okay. We're just going to play this on a loop for two hours. And we're just going to repeat this on a loop for two hours. And that's going to be the end of the episode. If you kept laughing, I would have never stopped saying it was built it. It was built it.

You will come. No, it was built it. And now you've come. It was built it. Someone went've come it was built it someone went to the print store and said it should say it was built it so you were saying earlier another one of your bits is your closer that's your closer

it was built it that's your closer I'm sorry but what do I add to it nothing I don't have to add to it no I think you increasingly scream at the audience it was belted. And eventually you leave the stage. And then they can hear you backstage go,

it's so belted! And you came! It was belted! You're just off mic shouting. Oh my God, that's crazy. Doing it to you, you're the first person other shouting oh my god that's crazy doing it to you you're the first person other than Val that I've said that to and she wouldn't stop laughing

as long as I kept saying it and you wouldn't stop laughing as long as I kept saying it how about this is a tag I wanted to walk in there and go you don't deserve this I own this land I own this land now. I own this land now.

This is my land. You can't own the baseball field from Field of Dreams and put up a sign that says it was built it. Pete, one last thing. We do work enough for a cause. It was filtered! Shut up. Just shut up.

Okay. It was filtered! This is the charity part of the show, and you're shouting your punchline over and over again when I'm trying to give to a nonprofit. Of your choice. Of your choice. This is the most beautiful thing. It's not my punchline. It's a piece of reality. No of your choice. This is the most beautiful thing.

It's not my punchline. It's a piece of reality. No, I know. I love it. I love it. I'm all about it. Okay. Okay.

I know you give to a ton of nonprofits. Let's choose one today that I will give to and I will link to in the show notes and encourage others to contribute. Well, I will do the Center for Action and Contemplation. They do a lot of good work. And it's cac.org awesome donate to them awesome well i will contribute to them pete you are always such a joy to talk to i feel like we worked out a lot of good jokes i think you gave me a bunch of tags and i feel like i gave you a bunch of tags and we actually work

things out i'm sorry i didn't give you swipe i just can't give you a bit that I think of every single day. I already did it on stage, and it's killing. And no, special thanks in my special. I'll give you a special thanks in my special. I mean, okay. All right. See you next time, everybody. Working it out, because it's not done. All right. See you next time, everybody.

So that's going to do it for another episode of Working It Out. You can follow Pete Holmes at Pete Holmes on Twitter, at Pete Holmes on Instagram. You can listen to You Made It Weird. He is one of a kind. I think you'll love his podcast if you like this podcast. Our producers of Working It Out are myself, along with Peter Salamone and Joseph Birbiglia. Consulting producer, Seth Barish. Sound mix by Kate Balinski. Sound recording by Cynthia Daniels.

Associate producer, Mabel Lewis. Special thanks to my consigliere, Mike Berkowitz, as well as Marissa Hurwitz and Josh Upfall. Special thanks to Jack Antonoff and Bleachers for their music. As always, a very special thanks to my wife, the poet J. Hope Stein. We wrote a book, and it's on paperback. It's at your local bookstore this week. This week!

And if you already have a copy of it, write a user review on Amazon or Goodreads or wherever. You write your user reviews or post about it on social media to spread the good word about this book that we really love and care about. As always, a special thanks to my daughter Una, who created a radio fort full of pillows. Thanks most of all to you who have listened. Tell your friends, tell your enemies. We're working it out. See you next time, everybody.