Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 65. Jon Laster Returns: Playing Legacy Ball

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

When Jon Laster was last on the podcast in the summer of 2020, Mike and Jon talked race relations in America and the relationship between tragedy and comedy. Now Jon returns to discuss his thoughts on what has changed, what has stayed the same, and how his frustration led him to create an app called Blapp, which helps support black-owned businesses. Plus, stories and jokes about Jon’s mother showing up to watch Jon play basketball on a team he wasn’t on, finding a better word for "billionaire," and why Mike doesn't wear a speedo. Please consider donating to: Jara Check out Blapp and help support black-owned businesses.

This is an update from the first episode. I always make fun of you for how many honey buns you eat because I find it alarming. You eat – at a certain point in time, you were eating eight honey buns a day. And to the listeners, like, it's real. Eight honey buns. Like that's a real thing that you were doing. And at a certain point, I was like, John, you got to stop this. This is too dangerous.

And what's your honey bun intake look like these days? Honey bun update. First of all, I have my feet. They have not cut my foot off from diabetes. Oh my God. Jesus. I know there were some people like, does he still have a foot? I do. I do have my feet. I ran four miles on my feet today. Did you really? Wow. That's good. Yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to get all that weight from sitting around from lockdowns. But, yeah, I'm down to, man, I'll be honest, probably four honey buns a month. Okay. That's not bad. Yeah, four a month. That's not bad. Not only that, you know, if Blap is wildly successful, I mean, you could have a Honey Buns bakery

that's making these things with organic ingredients. I already looked up Honey Bun Island. Hey, everybody, we are back with a new episode of Working It Out. That's the voice of Jon Laster. You know Jon Laster. You love him. He was one of the first guests we ever had on the show. People have requested a return of Jon Laster to me on the Internet

over and over and over again. They've shouted at me. I'm not supposed to listen to you shouting on the Internet. Sometimes I do. I have a great, great chat shouted at me. I'm not supposed to listen to you shouting on the internet. Sometimes I do. I have a great, great chat with John today. A couple things. I'm out on tour. I'm at City Winery in New York City this week,

just doing a pop-up show. I think it's sold out, but if you want to be in the know about that, sign up for my mailing list. Those are the first people to find out about these pop-up shows. I'll be in Minneapolis. I'll be in Charlotte. I'll be in Indianapolis, Dallas, and then Chicago.

I'm doing a whole bunch of shows in Chicago and then Los Angeles, London, Paris, Iceland. And if you're loving the show, if you enjoy the show, write down on Apple Podcasts. Take a minute enjoy the show, write down on Apple Podcasts. Take a minute. Pause right now. Go on Apple Podcasts. Just say, my favorite episode was the one with Hannah Gadsby.

My favorite one was the one with John Mulaney. It's helpful for us finding more friends and more enemies. We really appreciate it. Today on the show, we have John Lasseter. John is like one of the funniest comics, one of the nicest comics I've ever worked with. He's got an amazing life story. You'll hear a ton of great stories today.

And he recently invented an app that is phenomenal. It's called Blap. It is an app that supports Black-owned businesses. It's sort of like Yelp, where it sees where you are, and then it recommends a local restaurant, a local black-owned cafe or bar or salon, et cetera. It's just a fantastic thing. He's such a dynamic person.

I love talking to him. I think he's hilarious. Enjoy my conversation with the great John Laster. It's weird. You've lived, you really have lived like so many lifetimes. I mean, if people don't know, you're a phenomenal comedian. You almost played pro basketball. Yeah. And now you're an entrepreneur of this phenomenal company. I mean, you've lived a lot of life.

Like, where do you go from here? I mean, at the stage that I'm at it's like live love and leave leave a legacy so like how do you yeah the highest form of of life is giving back you know what what what what were you able to give back so i think that's probably what i what i'll end up doing i always laugh about it but i wouldn't be surprised even if i became a billionaire i wouldn't die a billionaire i'd probably end up giving it all away before I died. That's interesting. Do you feel like you're getting the live life legacy from Blap?

I absolutely do. The first time I used the app, it dawned on me, no matter what I do in comedy, I'm a decent comedian, but it'll never top. Because I started thinking, well, what if we got a million people on the app, right? Mike, we know a lot of people. So let's imagine that we get a million people on the app and everybody did just that and never use the app again. That would be $50 million in small businesses registers. And there's nothing that I could do. Even in that instant, it all hit me like, they're going to have to put this on your tombstone. There's nothing that I could do. Even in that instant, it all hit me like, they're going to have to put this on your tombstone. There's nothing that we could do that is better than helping out a community. It's been 400 years that, you know, Black-owned

businesses, you know, that we've had a headwind in this country. But now we just put in the palm of your hand the ability to roll some of that back. I'll never be able to top that. So, yeah, I mean, to be flagrantly honest with you, yeah, now I'm playing legacy ball. Yeah, it's interesting because it's like the thing that's hard to explain, I feel like, about systemic racism in America to people who have black friends, which is the cliche. I have black friends. I'm not racist. Yeah. have black friends, which is the cliche. I have black friends. I'm not racist. It's like, it's like, it's more than that. It's more than having some black friends. It's, it's, it's acknowledging that the country has systemically put programs in place that have

held back black interests financially. Yeah. I mean, the other thing too, you know, when it comes to like systemic racism, because, you know, oftentimes, you know, especially with my white friends, it's like, yeah, we need to start having the uncomfortable conversations until it's time to do it. And then people don't want anything to do with it.

People want to go to bed at night feeling like, hey, it's a fair fight out here. You know what I mean? Or you feel bad. And I don't mean white people. I mean, anybody feels bad. It's almost like sometimes like when you, you know, do you walk past that homeless person

or do I give them something? We all have that like, you know what I mean? Like it's your fault or maybe it's not this guy. You know, we don't really know. Should I give this guy some money or is he just not doing as good like, you know what I mean? Like, it's your fault, or maybe it's not this guy's. You know, we don't really know. Should I give this guy some money, or is he just not doing as good as, you know? But we would like to think that he had the same shot as us. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You don't want to think that, oh, my God, the tables were tipped for me. I had somebody at the Comedy Cellar the other night. She says she's from Alabama. She's a politician. People start booing. I said, you can't boo her. The whole crowd was like, boo. I said, what do you do? She said, I work in politics. And I said, where? She said, Alabama. And people were like, boo. And I said, okay, you know, I think it's safe to say you're Republican. She said, yeah. And I said, you know,

as long as you're not a delusional Republican and she said no no you know I know the election this that the other and I said no it's it's more than that and when you know when you talk about systematic racism and she was like well what do you mean you know like almost like as long as I believe the election so I was like well you know you you have to understand that you support some things that almost inherently, without thinking about them, you know, like, say, for example, the example that I gave her was, you understand that if me and my friends rushed the Capitol on January 6th, me and a bunch of black guys, it would be a blood bath. There's no way in the world we would have survived hitting cops, black men hitting cops, like with bear spray and clubs and rushing into.

It would have been there would have been snipers on the roof. Do you know what I mean? But the idea that we have a leader who sat there for three hours while these white guys did that. And those are the same people that say no such thing as system. people that say no such thing as system you are literally watching the government not using the same tools that it would against me in real time yeah god forbid that would have been mo ammer and a bunch of muslim guys mo ammer is on the podcast last week that's hilarious okay so we're both friends with mo ammer he came on the podcast last week. That's hilarious. Yeah, I'm rude. You know what's funny about –

Okay, so we're both friends with Mo Amr. He came on the podcast, and we're talking about how he has a special on Netflix called Muhammad in Texas. And he talks about how – this is a perfect example. He talks about how his neighbor in Houston, they called him Redneck Scott. They called him Redneck Scott. He goes, you know, he goes, Redneck Scott, he's got a generator. You know what I mean? Like, he, you know, he may not believe in systemic racism, but, like, he's good to us.

You know, he's a good neighbor, and he doesn't care that I'm Muslim and whatever. And so what I said to Mo is I go like, but if you asked Redneck Scott if he believed that there was systemic racism, like how would you convince him that that's real? And Mo just goes, I'm not doing that. I was just laughing because it's like it's he's not wrong it's like where do you begin that conversation but you're literally watching right in front of your own eyes the system being used differently it's funny because even the the person who works in politics from Alabama, when I asked her, do you think I would have survived that? She said, no. So you actually can attest to you watching the system. You know. But then when you ask the same person, do you believe in systemic racism? They say, no. I'll give you another example. One of the reasons that I created Black was watching George Floyd get choked to death and die, right? He's my height, my weight, my skin color. Exactly. Like within one pound, we're the same body type. So you're watching yourself essentially be choked on television, right?

Yeah. I'll give you another example of systemic racism of people who say that they don't believe in systemic racism, right? They don't believe in it. On the day of the George Floyd decision, when the cops were, they were coming down with the verdict, they boarded up Minneapolis. But stop and think about that for a moment. We watched the guy get the life choked out of him on national television. And they were so sure, so sure that this cop wasn't going to be punished that they boarded up the city. Does anyone think that if some white woman was choked, that they would board up the city. No one would board up anything.

But the idea that these same people who say there's no systematic racism thought, you might be able to get away with that with a black guy. Wow. That's where we live. this is called the slow round and it's uh it's just sort of memories and things like that things that stick with you do you have a memory of something that makes you cringe still when you think about it probably not in a gross way, but a terrified way. I remember we grew up, you know, poor. And my mom couldn't...

How poor? Can you qualify that? How poor were you growing up? I grew up in the part of Denver that wasn't on the brochure. So I know what people think of Denver, white women and skiing. Not where I grew up. So I grew up there where people were crip walking at funerals and a lot of shooting, a lot of gang banging, dope selling. Yeah. So then what was the first thing that you were saying? I was going to say, so my mom made me play basketball and my mom couldn't afford football

pads and I wanted to skate. We didn't have a car, you know, all the time I was younger. So we had to take the bus everywhere. It was too far on the bus to go by myself. So the basketball was like 10 bucks from Woolworths. So my mom got me a basketball. Here's where the cringe comes in. I'm supposed to be going to, I signed up for basketball. Practice is two days a week.

I'm telling my mom, I'm going to go on the basketball practice, going to the basketball practice. Of course I'm not. I'm just hanging out with my friends. Like, hey, mom, I'm headed to practice. I put the, go on the basketball practice. Of course I'm not. I'm just hanging out with my friends. Like, hey, Mom, I'm headed to practice. I put the ball down on the back porch and then go hang out. My mom, five months later, says, hey, I have work off. I'm going to come to your game on Saturday.

Oh, no. I've never been to practice. Whoa. I didn't even know. I forgot where the damn recreation center was. So I call up my friends who were on the team. Dude, I got to do something. They were like, dude, just come to the game.

Let's see what we can do for you. Yeah, I show up at the game. Keep in mind, like I said, I grew up in the hood. So the basketball coach is an alcoholic. He doesn't really know who's on the team. Yeah. Oh, my God. but basketball coach is an alcoholic. He doesn't really know who's on the team. Yeah. Oh, my God.

He doesn't really know who's on the team. Yeah. And I mean, he would come reeking of alcohol. So we go into the locker room, right? And I'm standing there. My mom's sitting out there. I'm skiing on my back. I am terrified, right?

And they start calling out the jerseys. Who's number one? Who's number two? And everybody didn't always show up for the games either. You know what I mean? Sometimes he would come. So he says, who's number 14? And somebody puts their hand up, right?

He said, who's number 15? Silence. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Yeah. And I was able to sit there on the edge of the bench. Do you think that that's part of the reason why you started even playing? Because you were avoiding it.

That's the whole reason. Dude, let me tell you, Mike. I was so scared she was going to come back to a game. I started going to practice. That's kind of amazing. Isn't that amazing how serendipitous life can be? Is that it became this thing that you almost play professional basketball. And it was literally your mom sort of pressured you into doing anything.

You didn't even do it. Yeah. Until she threatened to show up. She comes to this place called the Red Shield Center. And I was like, yo, because imagine me having to tell her what I had been doing. Yeah. All that time. So when she said it, I just cringed like, oh, shit, what am I going to do?

Oh, my God. So, yeah, luckily I go there and I get a jersey. And I was terrible. But I was terrified she would come back. So I started going to practice. And me, I'm just a competitive person by nature. So if I'm there, we might as well get it going. Do you relate with the Jordan documentary?

You watch the Jordan documentary? Yeah. It's like, do you relate to the thing that he says where he's like, I took it personally, and it was the competitive. He has a competitiveness, I would say almost to a fault. It's not to a fault. It's not to a fault. It's just to an extreme that, like, you don't often encounter someone who's that competitive.

Yeah. I mean, I can totally relate. I think that Jordan, you know, I think that when we see our heroes, we like to look at them in an all-around good light. Sure. Some of our heroes, I don't want to be around those people outside of what they do. You and I know that very well. Yes, exactly.

In comedy, certainly. We know that extremely well in comedy. So you watch this person in their element, you're like, oh my God, I love this person. And they say, thank you, good night. And they walk backstage and everybody's like, this guy's an asshole. And that's what Jordan was. But I play ball with people like that. They were beasts on the court, but you don't want to hang with them after it's over. Very selfish, very self-centered people. Did you relate to another character in that documentary? Did you relate to Steve Kerr, Paxson, the other guys? Not at all.

Really? How come? I've always been in the environments that I've operated in an alpha male. So when I worked the hood Circuit, I was a rock star on the Hood Circuit. Yeah, in comedy. In comedy, yeah. Can you tell the listeners about the Hood Circuit?

Because I've heard about it over the years from you and Keith Robinson and in different comics, but I don't know if generally people realize what a huge scene this is. And actually,

as I understand it, was bigger at a certain point in time. Well, the hood circuit is primarily like bar shows that exist across the country. You know, they're little black owned establishments where they decide to set up a comedy night. And historically, it was because they wouldn't let us into mainstream clubs. You know, they used to be called juke joints. And then eventually it became a black comedy circuit where you go to these places, they pay you for the night and we perform. I mean, the explosion of that, the first time that the number of people that work on that circuit

was ever seen was HBO's Def Jam. Yeah, yeah. And I came up on that. I was watching that in the 90s and I loved it. Yeah. So the Bernie Macs, the Chris Tuckers, the Steve Harveys of the world, people that hadn't been seen ever before. Dave Chappelle, the first time I saw him was on Def Jam. So those people got a chance to finally come into the light into some mainstream audience. Do you know what I mean? You'll never see a Chris Tucker or, you know, the said the entertainers or the Steve Harvey's. You'll never see them on late night.

We're just not welcome there. Right. You know what I mean? Or a lot of those spots on comedy. We know we're not welcome there. Wow. Yeah. I mean, so you got to, you got to get in where you

fit in and you get your chops up in the in the hood circuit. What's a story that you don't really tell on stage, but you might want to try telling on stage at some point. So my past has a lot of rehabs, outpatients. So these are my cocaine days and I'm sitting in an after hours and this girl says we should go home. We do go home. And someone knocks on the door and she said, that's my boyfriend. And I was like, okay, yeah, whatever. And she said, he has a gun. Oh, okay. Well, that changes things. Yes. So she said, you got to get out of here. Keep in mind, we're in an apartment building. There is no get out of here.

Right, right. And I don't even know if this place has a fire escape. It's not one of those buildings. And she said, you got to get out of here. And I was like, how am I going to get out of here? You know, we're whispering in the back room, panicking because he is. First of all, only way I knew that that only reason i believe that he had a gun is because he's hitting the door it's a metal door right kind of a hood building and you

know the sound of metal on metal yeah so this guy's got a lot of keys or scary sound real gun yeah he's some metal on metal scary always he's some type of custodian or something. You know what I mean? Are you fucking with the janitor? What's going on here? Oh, no. But I'm hearing this gun, the butt of this gun hitting the door. So she said, you got to get out of here. And I said, yo, I can't get out of here. And then her roommate opens up the door and she said, you got to come in here.

You know? So I run into her. Yeah, they had this down to a science. I run into her roommate's room. I start putting my clothes on because I'm naked, right? Her roommate says, no, take your clothes off and get in the bed. Then her roommate starts taking all her clothes off. So now we're both naked standing there.

And she's pointing like, get in the bed, get in the bed. You know, I get in the bed. The girl I was just in bed with pulls the door shut behind us and goes to open the front door. The dude comes in, really has a gun. This guy really has a gun. So he comes in, hey, what's going on in here? I know something's going on. And then by the grace of God, the new roommate that I'm in bed with does some MacGyver shit that only women could think of this fast. You know, women are, yeah, awful. So she was like, wraps a sheet around her and opens up the bedroom door and pretends that he just woke us up.

Oh, my God. Yeah, she opens up the door. She was like, hey, what's going on out here? Right? And the guy fell for it. He was like, oh, my God, I i'm sorry did i just wake y'all up i followed her lead i wrapped the sheet around me hey it's okay we were sleeping and he's standing there with a gun and then he says hey well since we're all up now you guys want to play cards

oh my god y'all want to play cards what are are you going to do? Say no? I'm standing there butt naked with a sheet on. Yeah, whatever you want to do, my dude. And then we played cards. I actually ended up liking the other roommate more. No kidding? Yeah. So she was like, hey, me and John are going back to bed. And then I actually did. I ended up sleeping with her.

You've lived a lot more lifetimes than I'd originally said on the podcast. That sounds like an over-bigliest story. What's the strangest gig story? What's the strangest gig story? Because you and I both have performed at colleges and in cafeterias and the strangest places. What's the strangest sort of gig story you have? I think, man, years ago, years and years ago, these dope dealers used to hire me to work in Austin. Yeah. Right?

And I try not to judge people, right? Okay. You try not to, especially black people, right? I try not to judge people, right? Okay. You try not to, especially black people, right? I try not to stereotype. The first tell was Buki and Cowboy, right? That was the first red. What do you mean? What do you mean?

Their names were Buki and Cowboy. Okay. Yeah. It was like radio DJs. It was radio DJs. Yeah, or Coke dealers. So they got this gig, man. And they were flying me down every week, you know what I mean, to work this show. And one time we get down there, and I'm running late.

And they said, hey, man, we're going to pull into the gas station. And I was like, ah, you know, we're running late, running late. Keep in mind, all this time, Leslie has texted me, like, hurry up. They're going to try to start the show. They're going to try to start the show. I don't want them to start the show. I want you to host the show. She's headlining.

They end up starting to show this guy from Houston who's never been a host before. He goes on stage and apparently him and this guy in the balcony are going back and forth. The guy says something. The host guy says, yeah, that's what your mom said last night. So then the guy said, hey man, come on, be respectful. That's what your mom said last night. So eventually the guy says, hey, man, I'll come down. A classic seventh grade tussle in adulthood. A classic, that's what she said, right? That's what she said. So they're doing the, that's what she said, right? And the guy says, I'll come down there.

So of course he says, that's what your mom said last night. Yeah, sure. The guy gets up, starts walking down this spiral staircase, Mike, in this bar, right? Because now I'm there. I'm late, but they were going to try to transfer the hosting over to me. This guy walks down the steps, walks toward the stage. The comedian guy is standing there like, yo, nobody's going to break this up. You know, where's security?

It's a spiral. They had plenty of time. Dude walks toward the stage. The comedian unscrews the mic stand from the base, pulls it up like this. No. And hits the guy across the head. No. He's completely knocked out.

Sean, what is this story? Yes. What is this story? The guy is unconscious, Mike. He's completely unconscious. He's completely unconscious. He's laid out. And then security runs to the stage, grabs him under his arms, and drags him out the back. No.

His girlfriend stands up, and she's like, hey, he just hit my boyfriend. The comedian is panicked, right? Because he doesn't know how many people are with this guy. Runs out the door and jumps in his car and leaves. We're in Austin. He leaves for Houston. Wow. So then after that, they run over to me.

I'm standing in the corner now watching this whole thing in horror as people run out of the place. And they come over to me with this cordless microphone. And they were like, hey, John, man, could you go up there? I was like, dude, all you had to wait is five minutes for me to get here. So people do eventually come back in. But it's so funny because some of the front rows were still empty. So as people come in, they're walking toward the front row for the rest of the night. And the rest of the night, I would just, as a callback, like, unscrew the mic stand.

And the rest of the night, I would just, as a callback, like, unscrew the mic stand. I would unscrew the mic stand and cock it back. And they didn't know what was going on. You know, the rest of the crowd is laughing. But those people, they were, you know, just getting there. They were looking at me like, what's this guy doing? And they would sit down. It would be funny if you were like, I just want to say up front, my mom doesn't say a lot.

Yes, man. In case anyone was wondering. I watched someone get knocked out, completely called by a comedian. That's bananas. That's bananas. Did the comedian get in trouble? No, he was defending himself. Whoa.

Why would he? And keep in mind, I'm working with some hood dudes. Yeah. You know? They were like, dude, you had no business coming, you know, coming downstairs like that. And you had another story that you told me once about when you played a prison. Oh, yeah. We used to do these shows, right, between Thanksgiving and New Year's, because that's when the homicide-suicide rates spiked. So I would go do Rikers every year just to bring their spirits up.

So the inmates walked into the gym. They made them walk along the outer line and then take a sharp little left and then sit in the bleachers because we're performing in the middle of the gym. So they walk along the outer line and then into the bleachers and I'm performing, I'm performing and I'm cracking jokes on the correction officers because that's what they love the most. Yeah. That's the move. Yes, that's the move. They ate that up. So I'm killing

the correction officers. And then I see this inmate walking, but he's not walking on that far line and then right to the bleachers. He's kind of taken a path kind of toward me that I was like, I don't know, you know, this guy, this guy, why is this guy walking toward me? And he's in pajamas. He looks like he's wearing pajamas, right? And dark-skinned guy. And we're all having a good time. And I was like, oh, look at this black-ass dude. They go crazy. He looks like a roach. They're going crazy. Your black ass is so dark. If I threw salt on you, you would look like outer space. Ah, you know, I'm doing the stock black jokes. You know what I mean? I bet you get in a car and the oil light comes on. Ah. So he gets close and I said, yo, man,

your black ass looks like Flavor Flav, right? And the crowd goes ballistic. They're in the bleachers now running around. And I was like, yo, don't his black ass look like Flavor Flav? And he keeps getting closer and getting closer. And he gets right on top of me. And I was like, that's Flavor Flav. Right? And then he gets right here and he just screams, yeah, boy.

It's Flavor Flav, yo. And he hugs me. He embraces me. And he's like, yo, man, I was scared to walk through because you were so funny. And he said, hey, man, keep doing your thing, man. Good luck to you. You know, I love what you're doing. And me and Flav just stood there and hugged for a minute.

But they were going so crazy that it was just the end of the show. You know, I love what you're doing. And me and Flav just stood there and hugged for a minute. But they were going so crazy that it was just the end of the show. You know, you can't, it's not going up from there. That is the best, that is one of the strangest turns of a story I could ever imagine. What is a, do you remember a version of yourself in your life where when you look back, you sort of cringe because it was like, it wasn't an authentic version of yourself. Like, it wasn't who you are. Yeah. I used to, my best friend was a strip club DJ. And so during the shifts, a lot of the dancers would ask him

to make phone calls and get them Coke. And then, you know, he's making all these phone calls because they can't make them, they're working. He's in the DJ booth, he could do a little more. And then he decides, you know what? Why don't I just buy the Coke myself and sell it? Needless to say, if your bestie is a Coke dealer, there's always cocaine around.

So I think the version of me that makes me cringe was the addict that panicked people around him. That's interesting. My mom showed up from Denver one time with my brother at a place that I don't even to this day know how she found it. And she was like, I'm your mom. I can find you anywhere. But people were very, very concerned about me. I just got up front with a buddy of mine, Jonathan Martin, comedian out of Jersey. And Mike Yard one time told me, too, that they'd seen me at a show.

And they were like, dude, you were forgetting your punchlines. And he said he turned to the promoter. And as I walked out after that set and the promoter asked him, he said, is that the last time we'll ever see him? Oh, shit. Really? You know, but for people to have, you know, I bumped into an old friend one time after I had pulled it together. You know, this is years ago. And she just started bawling, like fell down to the ground.

And she was like, oh like oh my god you look so good i didn't know what was going to happen to you so that version of me is uh is is you know that uh is is pretty cringeworthy rosebud baker was on the podcast and and i asked her this because she's struggled with addiction stuff and talked about it and so i I'm like, I have a lot of friends over the years who've struggled with addiction. It's like, how do you be a good friend to someone who's an addict? I think that you can be a friend with boundaries.

Unfortunately, I've seen episodes of intervention and I've seen shows where you see someone saying, oh my God, if I would have just helped them, they wouldn't have went to jail or they wouldn't have overdosed. There's zero truth to that. Zero truth. You cannot coddle someone into not using anymore. You got to draw a line of scent. If they pass away, if they overdose, that is not your fault, nor could you have stopped it. I used to go out with my friends when they were trying to get me to stop. And they would say, hey, man, we will make sure no one gives you anything.

We'll sit around you, which they did. And if anybody was like, hey, you want a drink? Or girls would be flirting and try to give me a drink. They'd be like, we will knock your block off. He's not drinking. Get away. Don't even think about it. He's out to have a good time without that. So I would say, hey, fellas, you know, I really appreciate you guys, you know, looking out for me tonight, because that's what they were doing. And I would say, hey, just drop me here at the bodega. You know, I'll walk home. And they'd be like, all right, man. So, you know, we'll do this again.

You can go out. You just prove to yourself you could have a good time without drinking. And I would be like, you're exactly right. And then I would go into the bodega and I would buy a Sprite, which was like two bucks. I would give the bodega guy $15 and he would hand me the Sprite back with a bootleg bottle of liquor. Unbelievable. So even though after all that time they thought they had stopped me from drinking, I would go right into that liquor store,

buy that $13 pint of Bacardi, he'd stick it in the bag, and I would walk out and go drink all night at home. You're not going to stop an addict from doing what they do. It's the concept of building a wall. It's like you're going to go under the wall, you're going to go around the wall, all that stuff.

I used to tell a joke about that, about like, you know, like, oh, build the wall. And I was like, do you really think a woman, a woman who is tough enough to grab up two of her kids and walk across a country or two? Yes, a country or two. Yes, a country or two. With her kids, a woman who is in danger of being assaulted, all the foul shit that she had to put up with walking across those two countries is going to get to a wall. And then be like...

Oh, that's so dark, but you're so right. Guess we should just head on home, kids. Yeah, yeah. Didn't know they were going to right. Guess we should just head on home, kids. Yeah. Didn't know they were going to put a 12-foot wall here. Yeah, yeah. Not really. Wow. Do you really think a woman tough enough?

Those women could eat through that wall after that walk. A walk. Come on. Yeah. Are you crazy? You're going to build a wall to stop a woman who's tough enough to walk across a country with her children? Good luck, people. What's the best piece of advice that you've ever been given that you used?

Years ago, Tracy Morgan told me, never ask a motherfucker how to get something they ain't got. Oh, man. And I use that in every facet of life. Working It Out is sponsored in part by Helix Mattresses. If you listen to the podcast, you know that I have sincere love and gratitude to the good people at Helix Mattresses. They make the most comfortable mattress I've ever slept on. It shows up, wait for it, in a box. Shows up in a box.

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is sponsored in part by Allform. You know I love Helix, right? That's established. That's not in the rumor mill. I'm public about that. I'm public about how I love Helix mattresses. Here's the good news. Helix has left the bedroom and started making sofas. I also love sofas. In my special, the new one, I talk extensively about how I love my sofa. I love my couch. Helix created this company called Allform and they make the best sofas.

And what makes them really cool is that you can customize a sofa using their premium materials at a fraction of the cost. They've got armchairs and love seats and all the way up to like an eight seat sectional. I'm literally sitting on one right now in my office, this beautiful fire engine red chair. Couldn't recommend it more. To find your perfect sofa, check out allform.com slash perbigs.

Right now, Allform is offering 20% off all orders for working it out listeners at allform.com slash perbigs. working it out listeners at allform.com slash perbix. So this is some material that I'm trying to work out. I'm sort of in the process, as you know, of my next show, which is called The Old Man and the Pool. It's all about aging and mortality and swimming. You've seen a lot of pieces of it. So I had some material.

I jotted down this week. And some of this is really hit or miss. I think sometimes when people listen to the show, they don't realize that this really is not finished. When I'm doing material, there's 60, 70 episodes of the show. It's not going to be a 60-hour show. It's going to be a one-hour show. it's not going to be a 60-hour show.

It's going to be a one-hour show. Most of this is going on the cutting room floor. Yeah, and that's, you know, this is a window into the process. But, you know, so it's the kind of thing we bounce around jokes when we're talking. But I wrote this the other day. I put on my swim trunks the other day, and I don't wear a Speedo. I wear a Speedless. It's not aerodynamic.

It's aerody quickly. It's so stupid. Yo, first of all, the idea of you in a Speedo is terrible. Thank you so much, by the way. You're such a good friend. The. You know why I wrote the joke the other day?

And I bet you have jokes like this over the years. I wrote it because people ask me so often. Oh, you swim? Do you wear a Speedo? And I'm just like, no, I don't fucking wear a Speedo. You knowo you know what i mean but i'm like i gotta come up with a more clever answer because i'm like i wear i have a speedless i have a speedless it bunches up it's permanently damp you know what i mean i don't know i'm gonna try it i'm gonna try it but it's honestly it because people ask me. You ever have that with jokes where people ask you about it so much that you end up writing a joke because they ask you so often?

Yeah. Well, they're also cuing you into what they're sitting there thinking. I know. They're telling you where to go with it. So I like that you rolled with it. My brother, Joe, had a joke about a Speedo. Yeah, your brother Joe is so funny, man. Well, Joe's a riot.

Oh, he's a riot, yo. So here's what Joe wrote. Joe wrote, I'm willing to sacrifice. This is about the Speedo. He wrote, I'm willing to sacrifice some speed in the water in exchange for everyone else at the pool not being able to check out a silhouette of my penis. Is there anything else you're working on right now, material-wise?

I'm trying to get it together right now. Yeah? Yeah. I'm like, you know, like i almost want to just dump i want to get rid of uh the uh i almost want to get rid of the pandemic stuff yeah that's how i feel about it i i almost don't even mention it yeah i want to i almost want to just get just not speak on it anymore i'm trying to get more into the stuff that I'm dealing with. Well, you have that funny, I don't know if you're comfortable sharing it,

but you have that great line about the billionaire thing, the meeting where the guy goes, you're going to be a billionaire? Yeah. Well, I mean, there was actually three guys, but the lead guy they said was a billionaire. And I've always said there's no such thing as a good billionaire because you're hoarding money. A lot of people don't even realize that, though. A lot of people, we say millionaire, billionaire almost in daily conversation.

People don't know what a billion dollars is. So doing the joke on stage, I give people an example of what a billion dollars is. You know what I mean? Like if I gave you a million dollars and you spent $10,000 a day, every day for seven days a week, it'd take you three months to run out of that million dollars. If I gave you a billion dollars, spend $10,000 a day, every day for seven days a week, it'd take you 279 years to spend that billion dollars. Yeah. That's how much a billion dollars is. And a lot of times people don't realize that. That's why I always say there's no such thing as a good billionaire. And we're in this meeting, man. And the guys, he's just beating me up, man. He's like,

hey man, I think this app is racist. And then he just says, hey man, I'm going to be honest with you. There's nothing special about this app. It's not my cup of tea. And if you want to know what we think of the app, we assessed it. If you want to know what we think of the app, we assessed it if you want to know what we think of the app. And I was like, you know what? I think that you told me that you think it's shit. You don't like it. Yeah, you don't like it. And then he said, we assessed it. Only thing that you've done right is you're in the right place at the right time. That's why you just kind of got lucky here, Mr. Laster. He said that in my

face. And then he said, you know, but we think it'll probably be worth several hundred million dollars in the next year or two, and you'll probably be a billionaire in two years. And my first thought was, maybe there are good billionaires. I would be a good billionaire. Oh, that's really funny. Maybe there are good billionaires after all. That's really funny. I love that. This is something I wrote down. You know how you have a notebook and you're just like, I don't even know when I wrote this or why I wrote this, but I searched billionaire in my notes and I wrote, this is very similar to your thought. I'm not sure

people grasp how much money billionaires have. They have $1,000 million. They should be called 1,000 millionaires. People should be like, that guy has $1,000 million all the time. But people are like, there's millionaires

and there's billionaires. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's one letter difference and it's off by $999 million. Million dollars. It's one letter. It's one letter represented by, that's 11 spaces over on the alphabet. Forget the fuck about trillionaires, by the way.

That's a thousand billionaire. So I think it should be – this is so stupid. It's so like goofball, but it's like – it should be like there's millionaires and there's goobledibledibledares and there's – like trillionaires should be like – and it's like you can't even pronounce it. There's Icelandic words in it. You know what I mean? Like, it should be impossible to say billionaire. Like, basically impossible to say it.

It should take a long time. I like that. This is my last bit. So I'm not from an I love you family. Are you from an I love you family? No. You're not? No.

That's interesting. Yeah, no. I mean, we do. You're not? No. That's interesting. Yeah, no. I mean, we do now, but not coming up. You do now? Yeah. I think me and my brother and my sister

are more that way than my mom was with us when we were growing up. So yeah, we weren't really that. So anyway, I was thinking about how I, I was thinking about why I don't say

I love you to my parents because like, there's no downside. Like I'm, like worst case scenario, I say thinking about how I – I was thinking about why I don't say I love you to my parents because, like, there's no downside. Like, I'm – like, worst case scenario, I say, Mom and Dad, I love you. They don't respond. They keep watching Hannity or whatever they're doing. They die eventually. Scenario two, I say, I love you, Mom and Dad.

They say, Michael, we have something to tell you. We actually don't love you. They die eventually. I think to myself, something always did seem weird. Scenario three, I say, Mom and Dad, to tell you. We actually don't love you. They die eventually. I think to myself, something always did seem weird. Scenario three, I say, Mom and Dad, I love you. My mom starts singing the Tina Turner classic, What's Love Got to Do With It, which is a great song that my mom actually does love. So this scenario is not entirely inconceivable.

It's just confusing. So I'm going to invert the game and imagine that I don't tell my parents that I love them. They die eventually. I regret it for the rest of my life. Which is, of course, not – it's more of a dramatic ending to a series of jokes. But yeah, so I'm sort of kicking that around in the show. Because I talk a lot about saying I love you in the new show. Oh, interesting.

Yeah. a new show oh interesting yeah you could just yo i love all of the examples of what you gave of what they're doing in the meantime i i get you know and if your parents you know don't that's not their love language when you say that to them they're probably like i kept the lights on didn't i exactly no exactly and they're they're and they're like did you eat you know did you eat all those yeah they go like did you yeah have you made a dentist appointment so yeah that's that's where they are yeah Yeah. Yeah, like, womp, womp, womp, womp. Are you going to do it?

We did the thing. Are you going to rake the leaves? That's I love you. Michael, we need you to fix the computer and rake the leaves. That's I love you. Yeah, that's interpretation. I love you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Translation, I love you yeah yeah i love you okay so the final thing that we do on the show is called working out for a cause and it's basically we take a non-profit that you think is doing a good job and then i contribute to them we link to them in the show notes and is is there any nonprofit that you really like? It's called Java. It's called Java, but it's a friend of mine who is trying. It's a heavy lift, but I love what she's trying to do. And it's an initiative to educate kids that aren't privileged around the world to educate them.

And she's built this hardware. JoinJara.com. Yes, JoinJara.com. I just found it. Yes. JoinJara.com. Yes. She already built hardware for it. And it doesn't even require Wi-Fi. Wow. Yeah. That's incredible. It empowers children and under-resourced, low-internet, low-electricity communities to receive a quality education anytime, anywhere through the Jara unit. That's a really smart idea. That's a really smart idea.

And she already built a prototype for it. You know, I mean, like I said, that would require a lot of money raising. But I mean, raising awareness to it is a start. You know, everybody, you know, it's like everybody's got to do their part. That's the thing I love about you. You know what I mean? You do like you were were like, hey man, I want to help this movement.

But then you picked up the phone. You said, man, let me invest some money. Let's jump on the podcast and talk. You do your part. So, you know, I saw that and I was like, hey, you know, I don't have a lot of reach, but the little reach that I do, I could try to get a little light on it, right?

If we all do our part, then we can make a difference. I love that, man. That's a great sentiment to end on. It's joinjara.com. And if you want to follow John, it's on Instagram. He's at hewasfunny. And just download the app. It's on all the app stores, Blap. And it's supporting Black-owned businesses, which is phenomenal. And I just admire what you do. I've always liked you. Now I love you. I love you, brother.

Working it out, because it's not done. Working it out, because there's no... That's going to do it for another episode of Working It Out. You can follow a couple things. You can follow John Laster on Instagram, at hewasfunny. I've followed him for a few years over on Instagram. And then you can just go to the App Store.

It's a free app called BLAPP, B-L-A-P-P, that supports black-owned businesses. Love Jon Laster. He's doing great things. I think he's going to be doing even more great things in the future. Watch out for John. Working It Out is produced by myself, along with Peter Salamone and Joseph Birbiglia, consulting producer Seth Barish,

sound mix by Kate Balinski, associate producer Mabel Lewis, thanks to my consigliere Mike Berkowitz, as well as Marissa Hurwitz and Josh Upfall. Special thanks to Jack Antonoff and Bleachers for their music. They just announced more tour dates for the spring and the summer. Go see Bleachers. I saw them in Texas.

They were amazing. As always, a very special thanks to my wife, the poet, J-Hope Stein. Our book, the new one, is in your local bookstore. But also, she just announced that she is releasing a book of poems called Little Astronaut that is fantastic. You should follow her on Instagram at jhopestein to find out all about her book that comes out for Mother's Day. As always, a special thanks to my daughter Una, who created our original radio fort of pillows thanks most of all to you who are listening look we've been doing this almost two years now started

as an experiment became something entirely different and that's all thanks to you because you've been telling your friends you've been even telling your enemies by way, if you want to have a story about how you told your enemy about the show, email workingitoutpod at gmail.com and just say, subject enemies. Who knows?

Maybe someone was in front of you at a coffee shop and instead of ordering one coffee, they ordered 27 coffees and you just said, hey, while I have your ear, let me tell you about the podcast I enjoy. Send me those. I literally just thought of that.

I think it's sort of a funny thing. I'd love to hear a story of telling an enemy about a podcast. We're working it out. We'll see you next time, everybody.