Miss Me? - Listen Bitch! A Dedication To The Disrespect

Episode Date: January 13, 2025

Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver answer your questions about respect.Next week, we want to hear your questions about FATHERS. Please send us a voice note on WhatsApp: [phone]. Or, if you like, send us an email: [e-mail] episode contains very strong language and adult themes. Credits: Producer: Flossie Barratt Technical Producer: Will Gibson Smith Production Coordinator: Hannah Bennett Executive Producers: Dino Sofos and Ellie Clifford Assistant Commissioner for BBC: Lorraine Okuefuna Commissioning Editor for BBC: Dylan Haskins Miss Me? is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Welcome to Listen Bitch. Welcome everyone. Welcome world. Do you want to do what we all know we're going to do first or shall I? Would you like to sing the song that we all bloody know we're going to sing at one point in this episode? No, you do it. Oh, come on No, no, no, no, I feel like if anyone's a reether in this relationship, it's you Again, I think that you've got that wrong like Yeah, I'm a reader. Yeah, I don't know our friendship at all. The theme for this week's Listen Bitch is... R-E-S-P-U-City! There it is!

Find out what it means to be R-E-S-P-U-City! I used to hate that song actually and then I realised it's not Aretha Franklin's fault, it's just been overplayed. It is a brilliant song. Yeah. Okay, can we have our first question for this week's Listen Bitch? The theme is bloody respect. So your best show, Sam.

Hello, this is Natalie. I am 43 years old. I live in Todmorden, but I'm from Cumbria. I cannot tell you how much me and my mate, Bun, love the show. Her real name's Nicola. She reckons she's Lily, and I reckon I'm Makita. PS, back in the day Makita I did your makeup a long time ago for this Oxfam thing and you were very

complimentary about it. Anyway that's an aside back to Aries Beauty. I hope Lily does a spontaneous karaoke because I really like it when she does that. When I was growing up, my brother always used to say to me, you can't demand respect, you've got to earn it. I've never really understood what the hell that means. Do you get that?

Has anyone ever said that to you? Does it make sense? And can you tell me what the hell it means? I love you both so bloody much. Live for your podcasts. Lots of love. Ta-rah! Hmm. Thank you, Natalie. That is an interesting one. I think it's a bit old fashioned, isn't it? I think everyone is deserving of respect. Base level respect. Yeah, but how do you earn it? How do you earn respect?

I think by not wanting it, I don't think you seek it. Yes, yes, because to earn something you don't seek it. I think you just become a creature that attracts respect. Hmm. I guess there's a conversation about respect and respectability, isn't it? Because if you want to be thought of as a respectable person, then you basically have to protect men at all costs. Do you think so?

Yeah, ultimately. Keep all of the secrets for them. Don't talk about all of their bad behavior. Hush, hush this, hush, hush that. And then you are deserving of respect. Interesting. Because you're keeping the wheels in motion. But then of course, in turn, you won't respect yourself. No. And I think that that stops being an attractive creature that gains respect is when you don't respect yourself.

I've had many moments in life where I didn't respect myself. And the rest of my life really mirrored that. And you can't really expect anyone to sort of treat you in a way that you're not treating yourself. So I do believe you and I treat ourselves with respect in our, you're in our 30s and just 40, not really, I'm nearly 41 now. I do feel like we do that and have worked on that and live a life of respecting ourselves and each other and each other. So how would you say that in a succinct way, Lilz? Oh, how to earn respect from other people.

Just like a basic level of kindness and generosity of spirit and seeing people, you know? Seeing people. Seeing people for who they are, not just as a body that is opposite you. Like seeing them as a person. I like that, sorry, I thought you meant just like doing visits a lot.

I was like, what, yes, absolutely. Seeing through people to their soul. I think there's some respect within that land and who deserves it and who gets it and who earns it. Hope that answered your question, Nat and Bun, you crazy bitches. Do you wanna ask for another question? Do we have a next question?

Hi, Lily. Hi, Miquita. I am Katya. I am from Brazil. And my question for you guys is, what's the thing that somebody do to you guys, do or say, that make you guys completely lose the respect and admiration for the person.

This happened to me a lot. Sometimes I am like really into someone or some friendship, some things, and at some point the person does something and I completely lose the admiration. Thank you. Bye bye. Thank you. Do you like being called Lily? I used to, what would happen in the past was I would gradually respect for people, gradually be like, Oh, red flag. Hmm. And keep them in my life. Keep them in my life. Now I'm not joking. A sentence, a vibe, a look. If, if I'm not feeling someone's energy and they have said something

that I find disrespectful to myself and my energy, gone, done, dead, get out, which is really fun. It means you don't have dickheads around really at all. I can smell a wronging and a dickhead from pretty far away now. I used to have to be a bit closer, but now it's from quite far away. I can smell the disrespect coming to my door and I won't have it. Don't have any interest in it. It's not the life I want from friends or lovers or but people I work with, bosses, teachers. I used to have real issues with respect with teachers. What makes me lose respect for people? You know, sometimes if you go to a restaurant or something with someone and they talk to a waiter in a bad way or Talk down to people that work in the service industry that really upsets me and

Makes me lose a bit of respect for them Yeah, when I see people's, you know, treat other people badly. I lose respect for them. I think that Sometimes I behaved a bit like that when I was respect for them. I think that sometimes I behaved a bit like that when I was in active addiction. I think that, you know, I was just very in my own head and I could be quite sort of dismissive of people and it's something that brings me much shame now. I really, really don't like being thought of as somebody

that is like that. It's the lesson of life and we're all learning it. Let's have another question for this week's Listen Bitch. The theme is the respect. Hi, Lillian Makita. Love the podcast, love you guys. Happy New Year. It's Emma in Nunhead here in Southeast London, 36.

Right, question for you both. Do you remember in the noughties, Missy Elliott launched a line with Adidas, the Respect Me track suits? I'm not sure if you had one. That's the first question. Did you own one? I had one, I think it was brown and ice blue, which is a pretty interesting color combination,

but I loved it. And wearing that, you know, it gained me the respect of my peers. So two questions then, did you have any of the respect me, Adidas, Missy Elliott line? And number two, what were you wearing in the noughties that gained the respect of your peers? Thanks. Bye. Good question. I remember when Missy got down with Adidas, but I didn't know it was called the respect line. Yes, yes. Clothes that gained us respect. When I put on a lot of weight at work, I used to always just wear black shift dresses from Zara

on TV because I thought they made me look grown up and like I was worthy of being on TV. And it was so not my style. I actually really don't like dresses that much. But I thought it made me look tidy and conservative. And I guess like you were saying earlier, a little respectable and someone to be taken seriously. But these dresses were hideous and did not work on my body frame at all. And I realized what I should have done is gone back to who I was and dressed in clothes that I was actually feeling and bring me joy and vibe and whatever. And then respect would have come my way. But I didn't know how to do that because I was 26 and I was in a really, really, really bad place. So I definitely remember trying to feel like I deserve to be on TV because I'm in a shift dress from Zara. It didn't work.

I went bankrupt quite soon after. So it didn't actually work. But Lil, I feel like you always just flew with your style, what you wanted to wear. I don't feel like you've ever really conformed with clothes. Although it's not me, it's you. You did come back very fancy. It was all very fancy. That, that campaign. And I was like, oh, okay, we're here now. It's all very fancy, that campaign. And I was like, oh, okay, we're here now.

It's all very Chanel based. Yeah, I guess I just, you know, I just wore the shit that people sent me. It wasn't really intentional. Any clothes that you wore for respect? No. To gain the respect of others or your peers? No, never.

Never. Oh, do you know what? One time I tried to wear those wedge trainers. Oh yeah. They were fucking hideous, but I thought I need to look more fashionable. If I'm gonna be on TV, I need to be fashionable. Fuck, it feels weird when you wear clothes

that have nothing to do with who you are. I felt so weird. Like I couldn't even walk properly. It doesn't work really ever. Okay can we have another question please? Hi this is Jenny. I'm sending a voice note all the way from Guam, literally the other side of the world. I love your show. You girls are just, it's just like having a friendly catch up and conversation with like a good friend, I love it. So this week with respect, I wanted to know

if there was a time that you thought you deserved some respect but didn't get it in return. Yeah, love you girls, thank you so much, bye. Yeah, a lot of. Thank you so much. Bye. Yeah, a lot of teachers, I never understood why they didn't fucking give me the respect themselves. Maybe because I was 13, but I really felt disrespected by teachers all the time, especially did not give me the respect I deserved.

And I told him so in a letter and was expelled. Oh, wow. So that went well. Actually, you know what? I do have one. I have a teacher one. I had a teacher called and she told me that I, you know, was pretty useless. What did I want to do with my life? And I said, I wanted to be a singer and she said, well, what are you doing to, you know, make that happen? And I said, you know, I'm taking some singing lessons or something. And she was like, no offense, but if it hasn't happened already,

it's probably not going to happen. And I just thought that was like pretty disrespectful. How old were you? At 15, 14, 15. What a ludicrous thing to say. Anyway, I dedicated my, I put her name in my sleeve notes on my first album. So yes, absolutely. A dedication to the disrespect.

Yes. Yes. Can we have another question for Listen Bitch, please? Hey, this is Molly and I am in Sheffield. I've got tickets for the podcast I've taught. She's very, very exciting. But yeah, on respect, I think it's often easy to think about yourself in terms of how people are respecting you.

But I was thinking, is there an example of where you have not been the most respectful for someone and you've had that realization? I personally think that when you have that realization, it shows you're growing. Because if you can step back and think that was not very respectful, that was like, you're almost embarrassed of yourself and your actions and that's part of growth. But yeah, does anyone else have a significant moment in their life where they feel like they weren't the most respectful

and what did you learn from it? Yes, yesterday. I had to give my mom two apologies, one in text form and one in person. I'm quite ashamed of myself. I can't believe I want to talk about it. I wasn't nice to her at all. And then I went to bed and couldn't sleep and I was like, what's wrong? And I was like, oh, that was not okay. That was not fair. You were really mean to your mother. My mom was telling me about something she wants to do, um, with her career. And I was triggered by some of the things she said and I, I, I shouted at her and I

shat all over her dreams and that's not very me and my mom, obviously we work together and we talk about the things we're going to do in the world all the time, you know that Lil. And I never react like that to her. And even though I knew why doesn't really matter, it wasn't okay. And I was really disrespectful and not, she said, you're being nasty. And I was like, I'm not. And I thought I was being smarter than her, really taught my way out of it. But then in the night, I was just like, that was so horrible. She just bought me a ticket to Kenya for my Christmas present. I come here and disrespect her and shout at her. What the fuck am I? And I think it's really

hard when you get older and realize that you haven't learned everything yet and you still slip up. Because I'd love to be like, yeah, me and Lil were always disrespectful to our moms when we were young, but not anymore. It was really not nice to know that 40 years old, I still can switch like that. But I have to be able to look at that and what do I do with it now? I apologized and in the morning I apologized again. And then later on, a little bit more of an apology and a cup of tea and a hug. And I could tell she was disappointed in who I was before I had done that. And that's not how I want my mom to look at me, Lil.

Hate it. Hate it. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. But I don't feel like you disrespect Alison anymore. Not anymore, but I did, there was, I can't even say the thing, the worst thing that I ever said to her,

I can't even say. Yes, you can. I'm not saying that awful story about what I did to my mom yesterday, and you can't say something you did like 15 years ago. We had a massive argument, and I was standing on the stairs in St. Peter's Street, and I did to my mom yesterday and you can't say something you did like 15 years ago. We had a massive argument and I was standing on the stairs in St Peter's street and I said to her I can't believe I came out of that she just laughed at me. We'll beat that because I think mention stay in we'll beat that. She did actually laughed. She was just like it that is so repulsive

like how how can I do it? I mean, to be fair, if either of my kids said that to me, I would just be like, what? What the fuck? This is what I mean. It's like we have these babies and then they turn into these little shits that say things like that to us.

I just, I don't know whether I can take it. I don't think I can take the things that I've said to my mom back to me from someone that I like birthed and loved so much. Like what a little shit you were. What a little shit. What a little shit for admitting it. Yeah.

We're going to take a little break from Listen Bitch and we will see you on the other side. Welcome back to Listen Bitch. Why don't you ask for the next question for Listen Bitch? Can we please have the next question for Listen Bitch? Hi, Makita and Lily. My name is Emily and I'm here with my partner Jess. Hi Lily and Makita. We are from a small city called Lancaster, which is in the northwest of England, but we are currently backpacking around the world. We're sending this voice note from the Philippines in Southeast Asia. And we have a question for this week's Lissan Bitch theme of respect.

So, as we've been out here, we've had some amazing experiences and we've met some incredible local people. But as we slightly anticipated, there's been a couple of instances where we felt we've been disrespected. we felt we've been disrespected. We felt we've been disrespected as two young women traveling and sometimes even as tourists. And we were wondering if you had any experience of this yourself and how you've navigated that being on holiday or in your travels as two strong independent women and if you have any stories that you might be able to share with us. We absolutely love the podcast. We listen to it on our long travel days and it gets us through and you provide us with some comfort on some really uncomfortable days. So thank you so

much. Lots of love. Bye. Bye. Well, you're so welcome. I love when people do double questions and it's like your turn. Okay, now your turn. It's cute. It's like they rehearsed it. I love when people do double questions and it's like your turn. Okay, now your turn. It's cute. It's like they rehearsed it. Love that you're listening to us while you're backpacking around the world. Lovely. I feel like you travel more than me, Lil, especially on your own. Yeah, I traveled when I was like 17. I found my diary from my India Thailand trip the other day. Whoa, I was crazy. I was crazy then crazy now. How much have you read of it by the way? A few pages. It's basically the same thing every day. It's just like, got up, went to the beach, had a beer, went to bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Phoebe. Yeah. And times where people have disrespected me. I mean, I think there's like a sort of thin like a cross section between sort of like disrespecting and underestimating isn't there? Because I think some, you know, people Oh, yeah. assume that because you're a woman, you are a certain type of way and they can treat you in a certain type of way and then you show them that they can't and that sometimes goes down okay and sometimes really doesn't. So I can't think of any examples necessarily

off the top of my head where that has happened but I know that they have. What do you mean like turn, so I feel like if you show someone they can't treat you the same way, I don't think they ever go, well, fuck you, I will, I think people always have to take, if it's the truth and you are strong in that feeling,

people have to feel it and always accept it because what else are they gonna do? I think if you're a girl and you are strong in that feeling, people have to feel it and always accept it. Because what else are they gonna do? I think if you're a girl and you're on your own walking down the street and one man talks to you in a certain way and you turn around to him and say, excuse me, you can't talk to me like that, he may well back off. However, if that man was with several other men,

I think that he would feel confident in carrying on going. Yeah. Or a hell of a lot worse actually. Or a hell of a lot worse, actually, or a hell of a lot worse. Yeah. I was just going to say, I just finished Nana's book and the part of it that I was most terrified about, I decided to read in the air. I felt like it was the only place I could read it. And it was a part of the book where my auntie is attacked. And it's a story that I knew that the whole family, it's like this shadowy story in the past that I'd never known the details of

because I'd never thought I could handle them. And it's been fucking horrible having the details, but I love what she says about this incident afterwards. She talks about choice and what we do with awful, unexpected, horrific, traumatic things that happen to us. We have a choice. And she says, I chose to love more and to keep my soul and know that it wasn't taken from this incident and this horrific experience. And I know that about my auntie. I know that that's what she does. I keep thinking about every part of her life and this shadowy thing in the back and

thinking, look what she did, look what she did. In spite, in the face of this awful thing. And this moment happens because a man feels undermined for one second and it turns to violence like that. So I think there's a real level of being a woman alone. I don't have to be in another country, I'm talking about in London. And if someone's like, yeah, you're all right.

If you don't say to be in another country. I'm talking about in London. And if someone's like, yeah, you're right. If you don't say the right thing, that can be fatal and really, really dangerous. So I think that there's a level of I respect myself, but you have to also think about your safety. And if a man feels disrespected, if their ego is hurt, it's one of the most common routes to violence towards you as a woman. So I think it's a really tricky thing to balance, to show that you respect yourself, but to also keep yourself safe. But enjoy your holidays, I don't wanna ruin your trip.

Please stay safe, there's two of you look after each other like Phoebe and Lil Dib when they were in Thailand, but you know, protect yourselves, respect yourselves, respect yourselves, but protect yourselves. Yes. Let's have another question, please. Hey, Megita. Hey, Lily. I'm Olivia, originally from South London, but now living in Sydney. Just wanted to say I absolutely love your podcast and you both so much. So please never ever stop making it because I'll be so lost.

My question on respect is about friendship respect. I think there's always like a fine line of people getting away with disrespectful actions because they are like your close friends. Like I recently had a very close friend do something pretty awful, but I know she's going through a tough time, but it's like ultimately disrespected me. Have you guys like ever experienced similar issues

with friends in the past? And why do you sort of draw that line? And I think that both of us have probably disrespected each other, but- You best believe. I'd put it down to like drugs and alcohol. Like I don't- I don't.

Really? I don't think we do disrespect each other. No, no, no, no, of course right now, as I said, no, our relationship is based on not disrespect disrespect each other. No, no, no, no, of course, right now, as I said, no, our relationship is based on not disrespecting each other. But I think when we disrespect each other in the past, I don't think it's particularly just drugs and alcohol. I think it's because of childhood narratives and what for us particularly, just the length of time that we've known each other. I think when you're very, very, very, very close to someone, they might be the first person you disrespect because you know they're not going anywhere.

Mm-hmm. Like, I know, I suppose we both know we can treat each other quite badly because where am I going and where are you going? Yeah, exactly. Now contractually obliged to be best friends forever. So I do think that maybe has a part in why we disrespect each other when we were young.

Because we love each other so much. But also we're allowed to disrespect each other a little bit just because it's fun sometimes. Slag. We have our last question. I'm thinking of which actually never you say one last fucking thing. Someone put up a nice clip of something mystery related the other day and they put on, You're not friend of my girl. Which is one of my favorite Lily Allen songs.

I think maybe it's my second favorite Lily Allen song. The only thing that makes it not my number one is because we never knew whether she'd written it about me or someone else. And then I don't know whether you told this story. And then what Lily would do was whoever was fucking her off most at the time she would say, I wrote that song about you. So when I thought it was about me, I thought that's a bit disrespectful. But then next week she was like, actually it's about you Sarah. And I was like, okay, but yeah, great tune.

That's about all of you. That's about all fucking lot of you? Let's have our last question. Let's gain some respect. Hi, Lily. Hi, Makita. My name's Jenny. I live in Switzerland in a little town called Oberville in Basel.

You can probably tell by my accent, though, I'm in fact not Swiss. I'm from the great city of Manchester originally, but lived here for almost the past decade now. I think I have two questions on respect. One probably more for Lily because it's about kids. I've got two young kids and I think I really struggle with the respect in terms of like how to get them to respect our authority without being authoritarian and then the other one is kind of on the same theme but not necessarily with children it's more with other adults it's you know do you see that to be respected especially in things like the workplace and especially as a female?

You need to have power. Because I see that. I see that, you know, generally with power, especially as a woman, you will get respected. If you don't have power, I'm not sure the respect is the same. So yeah, your thoughts on both of those. I absolutely love your podcast. Love what you're doing. Thanks. Bye.

Do you feel like the kids respect you? Girls? Sometimes. Yeah. How did they show their respect? I mean, you know, just little things like cleaning up after themselves. Marnie's not so good at that. You know, loading the dishwasher, saying thank you when I've cooked for them.

They're very polite, your daughters. Yeah, they're good girls, for the most part. Well, I think also it's like knowing your mind, knowing your brain. I think I always was a bit too scared, as I was saying earlier, I was scared to tell my ideas and stuff. Like this project that I did, I remember the kind of music history show and we did the pilot and then they came back and said, like, if you've got any notes and usually I'd be like, no. And I was like, actually I've got quite a few. And I was so tentative of telling these two boys who like, you know, are directors and stuff, like what

my ideas were. But then I was like, I've worked in television for 25 years. I do think that that section should have a bed and I think we should repeat this bit and da da da. It was received really well and I felt like they really respected me. I'm going to be working with them this year and it feels like a really interesting, powerful new way of working. I have to say with men, I sometimes do feel like, Oh God, it's a load of blokes, they're not going to listen to me. And then I have to switch it up and realize that we are all equals. And then it's a much more magical, powerful working relationship for everyone involved. I'm really looking forward to that

this year actually having a lot of respect, which in turn makes me feel powerful yeah feeling very powerful for this year we'll end it there thank you so much Lily Allen go take your break have your rest darling take all the time you bloody need and I will I will hold this shit together for you all right my love I'll see you on the other side hopefully I'll be in a better place and not as medicated. Great. I just have to say the theme for next week's Listen Bitch is Fathers. Oh, thank you. Fuck. Fathers, don't worry.

I know you're going to be away. I thought, let me get this one out with someone else. Okay, I love you and I respect you. I got you, babe. The number to call is 080304090, 080304090 for your voice notes about fathers. Our guest host next week will be my cousin, the singer, songwriter, the wonderful pop star,

little moomoo shmooshmo, Mabel, my darling darling cousin Mabel, is coming to Miss Me Towers to steer this ship with me. Okay, bye bye everybody. I will see you on the other side in a few weeks time. I'm sorry I'm going to miss you all. Thanks for listening to Miss Me with Lily Allen and Makita Oliver. This is a Persephoneca production for BBC Sounds.

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