Miss Me? - Listen Bitch! Caress The Pain

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver answer your questions about things to do before you die.Next week, we want to hear your questions about KISSING. Please send us a voice note on WhatsApp: [phone]. Or, if you like, send us an email: [e-mail] episode contains very strong language, adult themes and discussions about cancer and death. If you have been affected by any of the issues raised, you can find support via the BBC Action Line: https://bbc.co.uk/actionline/ Credits: Producer: Flossie Barratt Technical Producer: Will Gibson Smith Production Coordinator: Hannah Bennett Executive Producers: Dino Sofos and Ellie Clifford Assistant Commissioner for BBC: Lorraine Okuefuna Commissioning Editor for BBC: Dylan Haskins Miss Me? is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. This episode of Miss Me contains very strong language, adult themes and discussions about death and cancer. Welcome to Listen Bitch, the Listen Bitch return of Lily Allen. We actually made Little Ditty for you Lil. Stop it. Oh yeah, of course we didn't. Me and Will made a little welcome home theme tune.

We're gonna be a pirate radio station for one moment only to bring Lily Island home properly. Okay, bring it. Good work everybody. That was fantastic. Incredible. Really worth the wait. All right, the theme is things to do before you die. So many things to do in this world. Let's have a question. See what you want to do before you die. Hi, Lilia McQueta. My name's AJ and I'm from the Hunter Valley in Australia. I love both of you girls work with these podcasts. The variety of topic and discussion is awesome and I really look forward to a new podcast every day. When I was 22, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and my life rapidly changed before my eyes. Naturally, I sat down and thought about things I wanted to do before I died. One of them was being able to find guilt-free happiness in doing the things that I love. But what defines what you must do before

you die for you both? Hopefully we get to see you girls down under for a live show. And thanks for being big sissies over in the UK. Bye. See sissy means something different here, doesn't it? Thanks for being big sissies. That would mean that we're cowards, wouldn't it? But I get it, sistering, I get it. Guilt-free happiness, sure, that'd be nice. But when I was talking to Phoebe today, she said, I think the real destinations are the vistas within. She was very poetic today. So the things to do before you die are to like try and visit every part of yourself inside.

That would be the deep answer. But turning 40, I mean, I'm gonna be 41 soon. Has made me realize that there are things I'm not gonna do. There are things I'm not gonna do. So I'm trying to get a bit more succinct about my list. I think mine would possibly be a little bit more less introspective. I feel like I've done quite a lot of looking and searching for something inside of me. And I would say

to before I die, I'd really like to forge as many, you know, safe, real connections with other people. And yeah, really like find my community and my people and feel safe and protected. And yeah, that's what I would like to do before I die. I think I'm halfway there. I've got a pretty good community, but... Definitely. I'd also really like to sleep with a footballer, which I'm starting to feel like isn't gonna happen. Oh no. Which is a worry, which is a worry.

Although, as I said, a friend of mine is in her 40s and dating one of the fittest footballers around, so she's inspiring, but Phoebe said you probably have to look more for a retired footballer now. That's funny. So I'd be looking more in that pool. But Phoebe said you'd probably have to look more of a retired footballer now. I'd be looking more in that pool. Why don't you ask the next question, babes? Okay. Yeah. I'll have another question, please. Hey girls. What's the crack? Ryan from Ireland here.

My question this week is, has there ever been a time where you have checked something off the bucket list that you were super excited for and it just absolutely sucked? That is my question and I can't wait to see you guys in Hackney for the live show. No pressure. I'm sure it's going to be fun. Yay! Yeah, no pressure.

No pressure! We're not scared. I can do this. No idea what we're doing, but we're definitely going to take it to the stage. Take it to the stage. I don't think I have a bucket list, to be honest. I think that part of my problem in life is that I feel like I've been really lucky and I've achieved so much. The things that were beyond my comprehension, like dreams and things that I've been able to achieve. What kind of stuff? What stuff, like crazy Lily Allen tour, third tour, it's not me, it's you, you're going all around the world. What kind of stuff was actually like,

fucking hell, look where we are. Look what we're doing. Well, you know, like sleeping with like rock stars. No, I mean like. Playing Glastonbury on the pyramid stage. Yeah, man. Winning awards, you know, just like superficial shit. I've traveled the whole world, like twice over, three times over,

maybe to like have and believe truthfully in a sort of like higher power or like something spiritual. So I think it would be beneficial to me. But I'm just not quite there yet, you know, to like discover the thing that it is that really brings me peace. I did spirituality with Simon while you're away. And it was really interesting talking to him about all the different, I think that's a good way to think about like different ways to find peace. But I also think it might be an unexpected place for you like joining the local chess club or like maybe that's for me. Stuff like this I think if you've had such a big life,

there might be so many things that are smaller on paper that would give you real joy. I don't know, like knitting. Really? One thing I want to say as well is with disappointing bucket list things, I think people put too much emphasis on like, I'm going to jump out of a plane and thrill seekers, but there might be a lot of thrill to, oh yeah, sure, I'll produce the same, the Northern Lights and stuff. Yeah, no, I would like to see the Northern Lights. No, fuck yeah, I would like to see that. Oh, there is one thing I would really would like to see, which has always fascinated me, which is this enormous Genghis Khan statue, like made out of gold or aluminium or something in the middle of the Mongolian desert. And it's like enormous. And I've always wanted to go there for no apparent reason, rather than to just see this

statue. So I would like to do that at one point. There are actually these statues that are so big in the world. I was looking up like biggest statue. There's one of a man and a woman holding a baby in an embrace that you won't, you can't even understand the size of it to the point where I think I'd feel a bit sick seeing it,

but I kind of want to be close to something so enormous and see what it feels like to feel that small. Next question please. Woohoo! Welcome back, Lily. Missed you. Also did love Simon and Jordan and Mabel though. So Kate's smashed out of the park. Things to do before you die. I am constantly feeling like I'm running out of time and there's so much to do. I want to write a book, I want to write a TV show, I want to write a play, I want to do Ayahuasca, I want to jump out of a plane.

But the main thing that stresses me is that I will never be able to listen to every album or song before I die. And one of my essentials that I would always recommend someone to listen to before they die would be No Shame by Miss Lily Allen, one of my favorite albums ever, masterpiece, incredible. I want to know if you could only recommend one album for every single person on this planet to listen to. What would it be for both of you? Thank you. Bye. Such a deep question. I love that question. And isn't it funny that you're essentially saying that, yes, there are parts of you that are looking for like, you know, how to find

peace. And I think on the other side of having no shame would be a place, this wonderful place called peace. And you've actually written a song that's done that for other people. Never forget. I'll try. I do forget frequently. Yes, often. Yes. Just a little reminder. You wrote a song that did this for people. I think the Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet soundtrack album. Yes. From start to finish. Yeah, obviously. No, but like start to finish. Yeah, obviously. No, but like the narrative within. Yeah.

Or just listen to Young Hearts. No. Yes, very good. I'm thinking here, and this weirdly on holiday, I was asking Garfield, I said, Garfield, seriously, honestly, what is your favorite Stevie Wonder album? And he's just like, couldn't.

He's like, I just can't, because Hotter Than July meant this for us then, songs in the key of life. And he us then. Songs in the Key of Life. And he finally sat with Songs in the Key of Life. And I then listened to it from start to finish. And it's just a fucking masterpiece. And it's it is about everything. And it's what your heart wants to hear before you die.

I love this question. Now I think you need to make an album that people want to hear before they die again. That's the goal. No pressure. Okay, next question, please. Oh, Lily Makita is Toby from Southwest London, sitting in a pub in Wandsworth speaking to you. I was wondering, is there anything you wish you did when you were younger that you've missed

the boat with? You can't do any more for whatever reason. Maybe it's just like a young person's game that you've no longer got the opportunity to do that you wish you did. Yeah, I'd love to know. Thank you. Got to GCSE. That would be mine. Yeah, I guess we can do further learning, but we can't go back and do our GCSEs. That's shameful. I think, I think in order to do further learning, we have to go back and do the GCSEs, that's the problem. Yeah.

And I'm not doing that. So, interestingly, someone said to me the other day, it wouldn't be nice to like, just do a little bit of like really easy kids maths right now, just to get our heads like working again. I think it'd be interesting to know like now all that we've learnt how would we do our GCSEs now right? We could probably Mac them I mean maybe not the coursework but I feel like I could do the test. Yeah mean, people I know still go out at the weekends. I don't know how they can bloody be bothered. I don't mind like an impromptu Tuesday or like an upcoming rave, but when I asked my

cousin and his girlfriend about their plans, I'm like, oh my God, it's just, I don't know how she's a DJ to be fair, but like there's like, they go to four parties a night, Saturday and Sunday. Can we have another question please? Hi, Lily and Makita. This is Jo in Bristol with a bit of a chesty cough. Welcome back, Lily. My question to you is, is there anything that you'd particularly like to get good at? A skill, some kind of attribute that you'd like to develop in yourself before you die.

I'm not brilliant with money. I'd like to get good at managing money because I'm not great at it and I think it's to do with my ADHD-ness. But yeah, is there anything that you would like to become good at before you die? Thanks guys. Bye. I will join you in that. I'm terrible with money management. And so I would like to, yeah, figure that out. Maybe I should get a financial coach. I thought you were going to say a financial advisor. I was like, surely you already have that in place. I mean, I have accountants and stuff, but I don't have a financial advisor. I don't have any investments. I don't do anything like that. So yeah, maybe I wonder if there is financial coaches.

Yeah. Get a coach. A financial coach. Yeah. I need to learn language. This is ridiculous. I used to speak a bit of Spanish. Do you remember when I could speak Spanish?

Just a little tiny bit. I do. Yeah, it did happen. Good. Sometimes I just forget. And that's because I lived in Spain, just a little tiny bit. I do. Yeah, it did happen good. Sometimes I just forget. And that's because I lived in Spain for like a year and I just, I hate that I forgot it. And then a lot of my family are Swedish

and I always really want to like join in with Nana and Neymar when they're like, a yeah, to bet, it's funicilla. So I would love to be fluent in Swedish in the next sort of five years. Well, you better get that up out. I think it's go daddy time, notDaddy. No, Duolingo. Duolingo.

GoDaddy, like something completely, that's like registering email addresses or something. That's like when you're trying to buy a domain, which you've been trying to do. So I'm in a GoDaddy place. Yeah, I'll be fluent in Swedish in five years. Just watch me now. I think we could do with an ad break now, don't you?

Little break, little breaky wakey. Yeah, bruv, yeah. Let's take a break. Oh, that was a nice break. Did you enjoy your break? One of our best. One of the best breaks ever. Another question from you lovely lot about things we're all going to do before we pass

into the next place. Hi, Lilian Makita. It's Lala from Lala La, Let Me Explain. And I love your theme for this week of things to do before we die. And the reason that I'm sending this message is because two weeks ago, in a complete tragic shock, I lost one of my good friends, Jenny Chan Da. She was 43, she leaves behind four children. She was such an incredibly amazing woman. And one of the things that I have learned from the shock of her passing is how important

it is to have voice notes and pictures and memories with people. I knew her for about 20 years, but we have like three pictures together out of the many times that we've been together. So I guess I know that this theme was really more about like what kind of stuff do you want to tick off your bucket list? But I think also it's really good to remember like what are the things that you should do with your friends?

What are the memories that you should create with your friends just in case? Because Jenny used to send a lot of voice notes, loads of voice notes and it is such a pleasure and I will cherish a lot of voice notes, loads of voice notes, and it is such a pleasure, and I will cherish and treasure those voice notes for so long, and now I'm telling everyone, send voice notes to your friends, telling them that you love them.

So what are the other things that we can do to keep our memories alive with our friends before any of us die? Lala, thank you. I don't know if I'd wanna, like, if you died, I'd just be like lying in bed looking at pictures of you all day long. I don't wanna do that.

I don't think that's gonna help me with my grief. I remember after Shaun died, Roger came around to mum's and he was like outside in the car on like a sunny day. He was like, come out, come out, Andy. And he just played this like answer phone message that he'd found from Sean and he played it so loud it like took over all the powers terrorists the whole street. My mum just fell to the floor and there's there's something about a voice. I actually think you're saying photos. I think I'd find hearing your voice really hard but when you lose someone you might crave that, you might crave my voice or you could also just listen to a back catapult of Miss Me.

Yeah, don't think it'd be that hard to find. Yeah, do you know what Autumn said to me the other day, it's kind of crazy that you guys are doing this because this part of your lives and your friendship is going to be so chronicled for you both. And I think that is kind of a very unique thing that we have doing this. That we, I mean, every single thought that we've had over these years of our life will be pretty easy to find. I mean, not every single thought I've had is shared on Miss Me, but quite a few of them, yeah. Yes, quite a few. Lily has a camera now, so she's constantly taking pictures. But I just feel like pictures are just taken now because of phones.

I like spending real, proper time. Do you know what? The good old fashioned phone call. I call Lily probably more than she'd like me to because I like a phone call. And I think that those are the conversations that you really remember. And because everything's so fast these days,

it's a really good way of just spending time with someone without actually having to leave the house. Good old fashioned phone call. But sending so much love to Jenny's family, that is heartbreaking. 43. We do have to just treasure the fuck out of each other and hold each other.

And thank you for sharing that message with us today though. It's really nice that you wanted to come to Miss Me to talk about that. Thank you, La La. Let's have another question for this week's Listen Bitch. We're talking about it all. Hey, this is Meryl from the Netherlands at the moment. Soon to be back in London, hopefully after 13 freaking years. My question for you ladies this week is related to periods because normally the first day of my period is like

death and kind of leading up to it, I try to get a few things done like my social engagements and you know, seeing people and doing things that I cannot do on day one and two of my period. So I always have like a pre-period bucket list going on. So I was just curious, is there a pre-period bucket list thing that you ladies do before the day one craziness starts. Really cool that Lily is back and Megita we love you. Bye. Thank you. I know about bad periods. Mine aren't that bad because I have an IUD, I have a queel. But, and I don't even like know when it's coming. It's just I go to the loo sometimes and I'm like, oh, there she is.

You ruin your posh knickers. No, because it's so light. It doesn't, it doesn't work like that. Somebody doesn't have fibroids. It's a bit more complicated for me because I obviously I've been suffering with these fibroids for like five years without knowing. And so I've been in a lot of pain around that time of the month. And I've been really, really fucking busy. And I have just worked through that pain for years

now. And like having to do like photo shoots and shit when you get your period and sit on, you know, white sofas on TV studios. It's terrifying. And I've been in absolute agony. So I wish I'd done a bit more of what this lady has done, which is to take the time to let your body be in pain. I wish I'd done that. I think it's great that you do that, that you set up time for yourself to just lie

and get through it. Because I don't think people get bad periods. There's nothing like it. I really understand. Can we have another question please? Hey Makeda and Lily, this is Alex from Toronto. My question is, is there an age you would like to relive before you die?

Thanks so much. Lily, great to have you back. Bye. Lily! Which one would you go to? I know one. I think, I think I'd do my thirties again. What? Lily! Which one would you go to? I know one. I think I'd do my 30s again.

What? Yeah. Oh my god. I'm ready. I would go earlier. Don't you want to be 20 again? No. Oh my god. I loved 20. Remember how happy we were? No. We were. We fucking were. No, we had some good times,

but I don't think I was happy. Yes, okay. I see that as a really happy time in my life. I felt very content and on the precipice and I had no idea what terrible things were around the corner. So I felt quite innocent at 20. I think I made all my worst decisions

I've ever made in my 30s and I'd like to redo my 30s and I'd like to redo my 30s and think more clearly. Shit, okay, so you should make your 40s your 30s. Yes. And they say the 40s the new 30 and 50s the new 40 and etc, etc, so we'll take it. All right, should we have another question? Hi, Makita.

Hi, Lily. My name's Andrea. I'm originally from Maidenhead in the UK, but I'm now living in Bordeaux in France. First of all, welcome back, Lily. My name's Andrea. I'm originally from Maidenhead in the UK, but I'm now living in Bordeaux in France. First of all, welcome back, Lily. My question to you both is, is there something that you do or rule that you live by in order to not have any regrets by the time that you're, say, 90 years old when you look back on life? I think this could be a cool question to answer to give myself and the other listeners some sort of life wisdom. Love the podcast. I listen to it every week. It's like my little get away from life over here when I'm missing home. So thank you. Well, I think that everything, you know, everything bad that happens, like, you know, something generally good comes from it, you learn something from it, right? So, I guess that's a positive spin, you know? There we have these tower moments, don't we?

Where, you know, something follows. The evidence of one's life is the blueprint for the fact that obviously all is meant to happen in the way it happens. I feel like if we didn't go through pain, we'd be quite blank people. Oh, you know, when I was in my treatment center, there was this one thing that I read in this book about self-compassion, which really stood out for me. And I feel like I might even get as a tattoo, which is suffering equals pain times resistance. equals pain times resistance. Hang on, hang on. Suffering equals pain times resistance.

Ah ha, fuck yeah. But you can't, oh yeah, God. And now we get to letting things go. You have to sit with the pain and confront the pain and accept the pain, love the pain, caress the pain. Love the pain. Caress it, you know, okay. Yeah, you gotta be like, this is painful.

Like it's okay. It's okay to be, for things to be painful and for you to be able to feel pain. Don't try and bat it away because if you're batting it away, you're resisting it. And that will end up being the cause of your suffering. The actual suffering. Yeah.

Very wise. Thank you. Kristin Neff, that was in a book by Kristin Neff that I read that I can't take credit for it. Okay. It's a really good one. Thank you for bringing anything, anything you've learned over the last few months, I'm willing to listen to because I haven't had time to go to your treatment center. So anything that you can just

pass off to me and the world would be great. Spread the work. Okay, last one. Last one. It's the last one. The last question about things to do before we die. The last thing to do before we die. Hi, Lily. Hi, Nikita. Welcome back, Lily. It's Kate, who lives in East Yorkshire, originally from Liverpool, hence the weird accent. So, things to do before you die. I had a major midlife crisis, aged 42 and a half last year, and having struggled with poor body image on my life

and always being chunky, as a polite way of saying overweight. I actually went and had a gastric sleeve. And so my thing to do before I die is to fit into some Levi jeans with no stretch in them at a reasonable size and feel good. It's the feeling good that's the most important. So what, if you could do anything surgical or otherwise,

would you do to make yourself feel good before you died? Love the podcast. Thank you. I think if my bum starts sagging, I will have a little lift. Yeah, BBL. I think I might get a BBL. Not as far as that. Is there anything they could do to just give it

some more of a polite considered? Yeah, I think you can get a thigh lift slash BBL. It doesn't have to be like, you know, massive BBL, but you can get, I definitely have been doing some research into it. It's like, oh, okay, there you are. Little bit of that. Let's do that together for my 40th.

No, 50th for sure. No, why are you so into like doing it once it's gone? Like get some preventative shit in there. Yes, because you're too preventative. I feel like we should let it drop first and then figure it out. Why? And then everyone would be like, didn't she have a really saggy ass a couple of weeks ago and now she hasn't, rather than like, huh, she's really been doing some stuff in the gym.

Okay 45. Good deal. Before you do your big it's not me it's not you comeback tour we'll do that. But do not give up your dream for those jeans Because when I started training and skipping and got a trainer and started cut out everything, I really did just like stop eating sugar and carbohydrates and all these things for a few months just to get my body like in this training place then went back to eating like healthy big proper meals. But training like a motherfucker.

I had a pair of Levi's, actually not even Levi's, Lee jeans that were from when I was 17. And I hung them and I trained looking at them and then I got back in shape and I got back in them. And I still wear them today. So I totally get it. Whatever drives you, babe. Whatever gets you there.

Okay, well that was real fun, guys. Thank you. I will see you next week. I'll be back in New York next week, so I will see you there. Okay, baby, all right, Jed said. Any chance you have a Listen Bitch theme for next week that you'd like to talk about?

The theme for next week's Listen Bitch is... Kissing. Yay, can we? Can we finally? Yeah. Oh, Lilzibooziboozoo. Someone said springs around the corner. Okay, kissing! Lily did a kiss. Beautiful!

Little piggy-pick. All right, we will see you for next week. Lily's home now. Everyone can just fucking relax and breathe. She's home. Everything is restored. fucking relax and breathe. She's home. Everything is restored. I hope I haven't let anyone down. I don't, I don't feel like people thought

I was gonna come in here like singing and dancing. I'm not quite there yet. We'll get there, okay? We'll get there. Oh, we will. See you at Miss Me Live. We'll get you a cane and a trophy. You can really go for it.

No, come as you are, babe. As Kurt Cobain said, come as you are. All right. Love you, bye. Bye! Thanks for listening to Miss Me with Lily Allen and Makita Oliver. This is a Persephoneca production for BBC Sounds. If you have been affected by any of the issues raised, you can find support via the BBC Action Line. That is bbc.co.uk slash action line.

Hello podcast listeners. If you enjoyed Miss Me, you might be interested in hearing a series called Stalked. I'm Carol Cadwallader, an investigative journalist, and in this podcast, I follow the story of Hannah, my ex-stepdaughter, whose life was turned upside down by an anonymous stalker. Watching, threatening, impersonating. And when the police couldn't help, she turned to me. Stalking has always been about power and fear, but in today's digital world it's easier than ever to invade someone's life and far harder to escape. In this story we take you into what started as one woman's nightmare and becomes an unfolding investigation into a chilling story of deception, control and the power of anonymous technology. So take a listen to Storked on BBC Sounds.