Miss Me? - Listen Bitch! The Kleptomania Years

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver are BACK, answering questions submitted by you on a specific theme. This week we go DEEP, as we discuss... 'LYING'.Who did Lily get mistaken for at a post-Oscars party? What job did Miquita used to lie about her mum having? And... will they be willing to admit a lie to each other?Next week, we want to hear your questions on the theme of 'VIRGINITY'. If you have something you want to ask the girls, send us a voice note on WhatsApp: [phone]. Or, if you like, send us an email: [e-mail] episode contains strong language and adult themes.Credits:Producer: Matt Thomas Technical Producer: Will Gibson Smith Production Coordinator: Hannah Bennett Executive Producers: Dino Sofos and Ellie Clifford Assistant Commissioner for BBC: Lorraine Okuefuna Commissioning Editor for BBC: Dylan HaskinsMiss Me? is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Miss Me does contain some adult themes and some very, very strong language. Mainly from Makita. from the kids hill welcome to this week's episode of listen bitch your questions to ask god we've had so many really so many questions people want to talk about lying which i think is interesting

because the thing about lying is you don't really want to talk about lying. Which I think is interesting because the thing about lying is you don't really want to talk about it. Because I was trying to think about the lies I've told in my life and I can't think of any. Oh, you can't think of any? No, I can't think of any that I want to discuss. Or that you want to reveal. Yeah, I mean, that's sort of, that's the fun of it really, isn't it?

Every single one I was like, no, that's staying. that's the fun of it really isn't it every single one i was like no that's staying i've gotta stay in the past i cannot tell people about that is there anything that you've lied about that you'd be happy to reveal on this week's episode of listen bitch right so i think maybe we should let our audience get us in a safe space to talk about our dirty lies from the past. I've got some things that I'd like to ask you directly. No, no, no. What, like, did you lie about Dada Dirk? Actually run the marathon.

Yes, I did. Yes, I did run the London Marathon. You didn't cheat at all. I didn't cheat. You can't cheat the London Marathon. You didn't cheat at all? I didn't cheat. You can't, you can't cheat the London Marathon. Are you sure? Yeah, you can't because you have to run it. Okay. That upsets me that you think I didn't do that. There are pictures to prove it. Yeah. At the finish line, they're not, you didn't get, you weren't followed around with a camera for the whole thing, were you?

around with a camera for the whole thing, were you? No, but I had a tracker on my shoe. So that doesn't lie. Sure. I think that a real lie brings real pain and destruction into one's life, which is why about five years ago I said to my therapist, I'm going to stop lying. I haven't really lied much since. So this is all about lies from the past. Hmm. My 20s. My 20s I lied quite a lot. I did lie quite a lot. But I'm sure everyone's got dirty lies in their past, so I'm ready to hear some. Do we have a question for Listen Bitch this week about lying?

Lies of Maneli. Lies of Maneli. Hi, this is Meredith from the States. I'm married to a Brit, but I'm wondering what is your favorite lie that you've ever told? Thanks. Bye. Favorite lie. Meredith from America. Wow.

We international now. Favorite lie I've ever told. Well, does that mean sort of like a lie that was for the good, was for the greater good? No, I think it's one that like tickles you. They're all so dark and self-destructing. That's more of a sort of, what's the lighter word for a lie? A fib. A fib. Exactly. A little fib.

I'll tell one lie that I told, which I liked just purely because it's a good anecdote. Once I was in Los Angeles, by the way, I'm making a concerted effort not to sound like a squawking parrot this week. I know, I'm noticing the sort of new sultry voice you're doing. Can we not? Can we hear the new dulcet tones? Is that because you thought you sounded a bit squeaky it's because I listened back to a couple

of our episodes and I was really not impressed by the sound of my own voice you said to me why do you sound all husky and nice I said because this is actually I do have a voice for this and you can sing yeah I know you were so smug when you said it. You were like, no, no, no, I'm just really good at this. It's like, okay, great. So you've created a forum in which you can sound really great and I can sound like a squawking parrot that I am. Well, you can start singing later

if you want to really show your gift as well. No, I'm good. Thanks. I'm good. All right. Tell us in your sultry voice about the fib you told in LA. Well, it was sort of going on along with somebody else's lie.

Not a lie. Maybe it doesn't even constitute as a lie. It does, because I agreed with it. I went to a party, a post-Oscars party in Los Angeles. And I was standing alone. I think I went with Mark Ronson and he sort of vanished. Standing alone. I think I went with Mark Ronson and he sort of vanished. And do you remember that guy that used to be like the maitre d' of the Chilton Firehouse? I can't remember what his name is. He's like Italian. I can't remember what his name is anyway. Oh, I know who you mean.

Yeah, like short guy. Anyway, he came running up to me. I was standing on my own. To the right of me was Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis and a bunch of other people and he came over to me and grabbed my arm he's like darling what are you doing here on your own and I said I'm here with Mark I can't find him and he was like okay and then he introduced me to Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis but called me Rita Ora no and i went along with it oh i didn't correct it that's soul destroying that's awful so then i stood there for about 10 minutes obviously dying inside because i'd been introduced to ashton kutcher and amelia kunis as rita aura and didn't have the confidence to say actually no that's not who i am do you think ashton kutcher and Mila Kunis as Rita Ora and didn't have the confidence to say, actually, no, that's not who I am.

Do you think Ashton Kutcher still thinks that you're Rita Ora? I don't think they cared. But anyway, then the guy went off. And then about 15 minutes later, he came running over and he was like, Rita, Rita, I just see Ricky, your boyfriend is looking for you. And I was like, Ricky, is that Ricky Lauren, Ralph Lauren's son? No, Ricky Hilfiger. He got the wrong designer there. Oh, yeah, that's it. Ricky Hilfiger she went out with. Ricky Hilfiger, he's looking for you. And I was like, oh, God,

this line needs to end now. Yeah, I had to get out of there super quick. Before you had to spend the evening with Ricky Hilfiger. No, because imagine if he'd come over and be like, you're not Rita. This isn't my girlfriend Rita or her at all. Right, well, that's actually an example of how a lie can get worse if you keep it going. I feel like if you know when to stop, which I don't, which is why they ruined my life in the past. Okay, I do.

This isn't my favorite lie. All I can think of is my worst lie, so I'll save that for later just in case anyone else. I don't think I have a favorite lie because they're so life-ruining. Next question. Hi, Michelle from New York here. Okay, the show is banging so far,

but talk about lying. What is the most ridiculous reason that you told a lie because i've lied for no reason at all and i don't know why but some of them were brilliant and some of them were stupid as fuck yeah oh thank you do we have cool new york listeners suddenly oh my god yeah how did that happen I feel like we're not cool enough for that listener that's very very cool chick I imagine quite a lot of my lie quota came from excuses for not having homework like my mum died or something you've never said that I wouldn't be so sure well we went to a lot of different schools. So yeah, I think I did lie a lot in

school. That was where a lot of my lying occurred as well. Yeah, I mean, I have to I did. I lied a lot when I was a kid. And I do remember just being in a pretty much constant state of anxiety about people finding out about my lies. I don't want to be mean, but yeah, you did fucking lie a lot as a kid. We both did. It was like a contagious thing. Do you know what I mean? I don't know what it was like a contagious thing do you know what i mean i don't know what it was i blame my parents really i don't i definitely blame myself no i blame myself too i feel like i used to lie about things to just make my life seem more interesting to people do you know what i mean just give it a bit of colour. Yeah. A little bit of exaggeration. I actually, to be honest,

I think that lying is alright if good anecdotes come out of it. Yeah, if you can do a podcast with good stories, it's fine. Thank God we just had so much bullshit in our 20s. Lily, would you like to ask for the next question? Make sure you do your ridiculous new sultry voice. Can you stop, actually? I'm feeling a little bit attacked right now.

Come on, Arthur Kitt. Don't you dare. Dusty. Dusty Springfield. Dusty Springfield. Come on, Dusty. Okay, hi. Do we have any more questions?

Hi, Makita and Lily. This is Gemma calling from Australia. Sending a voice note because you love the voice notes. I also love the voice notes. I was excited to hear about next week's topic being biggest lies and am intrigued to hear the biggest lies you've told or on the flip side, the smallest lie you've told with the biggest influence or result that you didn't think would blow up as high?

Thanks. Okay. Let's get through this question. Right. So, okay. So a small lie that turned into a massive, awful thing. This might touch upon our stealing days. Did we steal? Remember the kleptomania years?

Don't know what you're talking about. Yes, you do. Rory's house, Battersea. You have quite an extraordinary memory and I have blocked a lot out. Okay, I don't want to bring it up if you've blocked it out. Do you remember when cousin Phoin Phoebe was going out with Rory? And I think you stole, went around for a few days. They were staying in like a penthouse in Battersea. And you like stole like all the DVDs. That did not happen. I actually now I'm having like a recollection of this

and just being utterly confused by the accusation. No, I don't remember stealing a bunch of DVDs. Why would I? You did. You stole like a bag of DVDs. The reason I know, I have no idea. I think you were being a bit of a kleptomaniac. And I only know because about two weeks later, I stole all of Naima's trainers from her house, who's my cousin Naima, went round to her house and just got a bag and took about eight pairs of trainers. And then she said, did you take my shoes? I was like, no. She was like, well, you were just here and now eight pairs of shoes are missing. How did it come about that I'd stolen the DVDs? How did anyone find out? Phoebe called me and

said, I think Lily stole all these DVDs from Rory's house last night. I don't need DVDs. Like if I was going to steal something, it'd be something that I could either sell or something that I could do something with. I don't even really like films that much. I wouldn't steal a bunch of DVDs for no reason. It might have been CDs. Oh, do you know what? I did steal a CD of someone once and I lied about it. One CD is not too bad. No, it wasn't off of Phoebe. I stole, oh God. I stole a Roots CD called Things Fall Apart from Ashanti Akabusi, Chris Akabusi's daughter. At school. Can we just clarify, Chris Akabusi,

a huge, what, Olympian runner when we were kids? And I think I got found out for it. But I've sort of like thought ahead. So basically at our school, we used to have Wednesday afternoons off. Shanti Akabusi had this CD and I really liked it. It was the one that had that Erykah Badu song on it that, if you don't worry about what you can't sing on the podcast camera.

I know Things Fall Apart. It's a bloody classic album. Okay, great. Well done for you. No, but I just mean like a lot of people will know I would steal that CD. Okay, well, anyway, I stole it. And then she knew it was me, I think.

And we had Wednesday afternoons off. And I remember like going into Petersfield, buying the CD, and then like planting it back in her dorm. To replace it? No, because I can't really remember why, why I didn't just put the one back that I'd stolen, but I didn't.

I needed to prove, oh no, this was it. Somebody found that I had it and they were like, why? Because she had kept everything in a case logic. And so I had to basically find, prove that it was mine. And so I ran into Petersfield, bought the original CD so that I had the case.

And I was like, how dare you accuse me? That's quite criminal. Like, do you know what I mean? To like have that back up. That's quite a criminal mindset. So did Ashanti Akabusi ever find out or is this how she's finding out? No, she's finding out now. Sorry, Ashanti, I did steal your Roots CD. And I gaslit you into thinking that I hadn't. You gaslit her. Oh, God. Oh, it's 12, okay? The mind of a madman.

I really liked that song and I wanted to learn that rap. And I couldn't do it without stealing it. Oh, wait a minute. Another lonely night. Seemed like I'm on the side. You only loving your mind. I know you got to get that paper dirty. Keep that shit tight. I know you need some sort of love in your life you dig me my father taking with my

sister from New York City so you could say that Ashanti Akabusi is really at the roots and the start of your singing career and your musical yeah your musical journey yeah basically because that is where I first heard you sing in B-dales. Choral, choral singing in B-Dales. No, it was before that, but thank you. Oh, was that another school? I started singing at Cavendish. Actually, sorry, one thing I did start doing, I just remembered, because we both have been to so many schools, I think, Lily 9, me 6.

I think my count is higher than that. You lost count. And when I started, by school four, I thought, I'm going to start lying about who I am, because I can. And the fourth school I went to, I went to a few state schools. I went to that school in Maida Vale

where the headmaster got stabbed. And then my grandma paid for me to go to a grammar college in Clapham Junction. And everyone was American and a bit rich. And I fell out of my depth, basically. And I was like, okay, I'm just going to lie. I'm just going to lie. So I think everyone thought that I lived in a townhouse

in Notting Hill. At the time, my family had nothing. It was actually when we lived in the flat that had no wall. Do you remember when the wall fell down? So we had no wall. And I pretended we lived in a big townhouse and that my mum was a record producer or something. flat that had no wall do you remember when the wall fell down yes so we had no wall and i pretended we lived in a big townhouse and that my mum was like a record producer or something i can't remember and uh it got really hard after about six months because i couldn't keep up with my lies

so you had to leave that's not why i left but yes i ended up leaving do you think that you self-sabotage because of the lies no i think i self-sabotage because i was going to squat parties at the time and i was a maniac i don't even want to tell you why I left that school. That is not for the podcast. I could think of mini lies. You always used to lie when we called minicabs. You would say, they'd say, name, please. And you'd be like, Laura. Amy was my fake name. Amy. I don't know what that was about. I don't know what that was about. I think it was just because your name is Makita and people would be like, Makita, you'd have to spell it out.

God, I was Amy Addison-Lee for about 10 years. I can't believe you remember that. I actually sometimes, if I go, when I have my old phone, if I called Addison-Lee, they'd be like, Amy? I was like, oh yeah, Amy. Yes, it's Amy. Anyway, it's making me feel like paranoid and like sticky. I know, it's actually a kind of horrible theme. I'm sorry, I apologise.

I think we are due. We're due for a little break now, aren't we? I need a time out. It's not a break. I need a time out. Spenny, we've managed to rinse

all of my contacts now for this podcast. Well, fortunately, my black book bulges way more than yours. Wait, wait, wait. It's quality, not quantity, my friend. You keep telling yourself that. I'm Spencer. And I'm Jamie. Join us in our mission to reach a celebrity and find new friends using six degrees of separation.

Who do you think we will snatch next? All will be revealed. I mean, we don't even know who we're chasing yet. Oh, the suspense, Spencer. Six Degrees from Jamie and Spencer. Only on BBC Sounds. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet.

Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. Let's perk it up, people. Let's get another question. Maybe it's a fun question about lying hey this is alex from toronto what lies did you think you were getting away with but everyone knew you were full of bs um um i can't tell you that because i i might still you

have to we're making a podcast you can't just the freak I can't just be like no that's too dark I'm not going there what lies did I think I was getting away with but everyone knew I was bullshitting I think probably um oh god there's quite a lot of like no I just had a couple of glasses of wine and went home it's like sure I would say and actually I feel bad because when I interviewed other people I would uh like when I would see people from bands that they used to be in or people that I'd interviewed they would also do this same lie but it's what you do if you're in an industry where you're really doing well and you're busy and then suddenly you're not when people would say like what are you up to at the moment I would

just lie and be like yeah I've got a few things in production I've got a few things in development I'm working on this and then you'd walk away and you just feel like your soul was dead but it's a really hard question what are you up to when you're up to fuck all you know what I mean and so I've always I've always lied on that question. I don't have to anymore. But there was a good five solid years where I had to lie. And it did hurt my soul every time. Thank you for our international audience. I want to say hi to Australia and America. We've just been thinking about it. We're like, how the hell do they know about us? And we think it's possibly to do with Lily uh long and layered illustrious career they feel like

your fans so thank you for bringing an international audience to miss me couldn't do it without you it's nice it feels exciting let's see if we've got an english person an english man as our next questioner i want to know is there a lie that one of you has told the other that you have still not admitted the truth to? And if there is, can you admit it now to each other? Hmm. You know that I kissed Toby, right? When I was with him? Yeah.

Oh, my God. No, I did not. Wow. I'm really sorry. No, I did not. Wow. I'm really sorry. In Danny and Judy's sitting room. Oh, my fucking God. I mean... Yeah, you were upstairs.

I mean, I would be really angry with you, but I've done the same. You can't possibly be. Like, please. I've fucked loads of your boyfriends, so... Do you know what? Do you know what? Did you?

No. You never have, have you? Not while you've been with them. No, I know, but... But what? Who did you sleep with?

Did you sleep with Jasper? You did, didn't you? I did, but it was like 10 years after you split up. I can't believe... You just admitted to me that you kissed my boyfriend while i was in the same house but toby was a fling jasper was a love no he wasn't i was with him for a year what are you talking

about yes oh sorry you had been split up with jasper for five years when i slept with him so relax yeah yeah yeah. But that was my first love. Right. Yeah, right. Yourself. So, okay. I'd love to, I hope this brings up in people's friendships across the country, whether they've slept with each other's boyfriends in the past, because it's important to know. It's important to know these things. So you figure out how to move forward. Yeah, I did that to someone else. I did what you did to me with somebody else. Got with their boyfriend while they were upstairs. In the room next door, actually, yeah.

In the room next door. And it was full sex, actually. It wasn't just kissing. Who was this? We can cut it out. Who was this? We'll beep it. Who was this?

Oh, yeah, of course. What am I talking about? What am I talking about? What am I talking about? Of course. Oh, I hate this theme. Dark and deep and upsetting. Sorry if you were tuning in for a peppy episode of Miss Me. And it's just this sort of trawling through all our dirty demonic past oh god i feel

sick great let's end this hell let's end this hell of our own personal making lily allen jesus christ i hope our next theme doesn't take us to such dirty deep dark backwater do you want to know the theme for next week's listen Bitch? I cannot wait to hear. Let me just think about this. Now don't we really just think about if this is the right road to go down. Okay. The theme for next week's Listen Bitch is virginity. Oh, God.

Virginity. Can I just say, I feel like that's quite limiting because you can only have one experience. You could also have taken someone's virginity. Speak for yourself, you little cradle snatcher. I think it would be a really good exercise in sharing the stories of virginity with the country because I don't feel like people talk, this is important, I don't feel like people talk about the loss of their virginity,

the act of losing your virginity, to the act of taking someone's virginity. What happens to your life once your virginity is lost? The age you do it. I think it's a huge, huge moment in everyone's life. And we never talk about it. It's never in pub chat. I'm like, can we please talk about when we all lost our virginities? So I found a platform.

I'm using it. The theme for Listen Bitch is virginity. Okay. You just don't want to talk about yours. Yeah. It's actually not up to you. You did our last theme, Lying. And this week's theme, we'll see how this one works out.

Okay, fine. We'll see how this one works out. Good luck. Good luck with your theme. Good luck with your little theme. Virginity. I can't believe you fucking kissed Toby, you bitch. I sort of remember that that you gaslit me and

and I yeah I just and now I'm feeling real sorrow for my younger self like knowing that that happened but why did you think it was okay to sleep with Jasper because you had been broken up for five years but he was my first love I think there are some people Makita there is no comparison you kissed my boyfriend he was my actual boyfriend in my house while i was asleep upstairs you are a bitch i am not if we weren't contractually obliged to be working with each other you'd be out fucking toby i'm actually calling bbchr as we speak let's end this because i'm going to lose friends and jobs. Yeah, listen, bitch. It's now, listen, bitch. We loved all of your messages and thank you very much.

And we keep sending them in. We do definitely prefer the voice notes than we do the emails. It was really nice. They're much easier for us to get involved with, I think. Special shout out to our international audience. Thanks for being here. And we hope we continue to give you what you need, what you're looking for. The numbers in the show notes.

The numbers in the bloody show notes, isn't it? It's an 0800 number. We were asked to read it out, but we thought it was a bit cheap sounding. So we're not going to do it. Do you remember that advert that was on TV, Lil? It was like, 089150 5050 5050

089150 Sorry, but that's not our number. That's not our number. The number's in the show notes. 5050 50. Oh my God. I've actually got, I've found 089, 50, 50. Oh my God. I've actually got, I've found 0891505050.

Oh my God. This is such a flashback, this advert. Wait. Oh my God. I feel emotional. Come on, Carl. Check back.

321505050. 321505050. We could have done a whole podcast around that jingle. You know what? Let me learn the number of our show and see if we can't put that beat to it and make something happen. Because we're 0800.

0800. It's going to be like 371462. We'll see what we can do. Let me just get in the studio. Let me see what I can do. It's going to be like 3-7-1-4-6-2. We'll see what we can do. Let me just get in the studio. Let me see what I can do. Look, I think if anyone here is going to figure out how to make it into a tune, it's going to be me. Okay?

Triple Ivor Novello Award winning songwriter. 08000 doesn't work. 08000. 30, 40, 90. It does kind of work. Wow. We are literally, we're joining our history and our present and we are making magic. We really are.

08000 30 40 90. I'll never forget it now. Know our WhatsApp number now. Don't need no show notes. Thanks for listening to Miss Me with Lily Allen and Makita Oliver. This is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds. Hello, I'm Jordan North. And I'm William Hanson.

And together we host Help I Sexted My Boss, a podcast that combines William's world of etiquette tips with Jordan's special northern charm. We help navigate the everyday challenges of modern life. Like how to tell someone that their breath smells like death. And of course, what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? Just search for Help I Sexted My Boss on BBC Sounds

and help us change your life for the better. Or potentially maybe make things worse. It could go either way. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers.