Miss Me? - Listen Bitch! You Can’t Handle the Truth

Episode Date: January 19, 2026

Miquita Oliver and Jordan Stephens answer your questions about the truth.Next week, we want to hear your questions about PUBERTY. Please send us a voice note on WhatsApp: [phone]. Or, if you like, send us an email: [e-mail] episode contains very strong language and adult themes. Credits: Producer: Natalie Jamieson Technical Producer: Will Gibson Smith Assistant Producer: Caillin McDaid Production Coordinator: Rose Wilcox Executive Producer: Dino Sofos Commissioning Producer for BBC: Jake Williams Commissioners: Dylan Haskins & Lorraine Okuefuna Miss Me? is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds

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It's time to see it differently with Britbox. Watch with a free trial now at Britbox.com. This episode of Miss Me comes from Sri Lanka, but still has adult themes and seriously strong language because same as it ever was. Welcome to Sri Lanka listen, bitch. It's the truth, bitch. Oh, it's the truth.

You can't handle the truth. You can't handle the truth. best line in a film who says that line Al Pacino Jack Nicholson fuck that's what I meant

in what film A few good men when Tom Cruise is like I want the truth He's like you can't fucking handle the truth Because these like Two army guys Two soldiers

Kill one of their own One of the guys in their like team It's brutal Is Alpuccino in that film No Fuck Jack Nicholson Tom Cruise

Fuck Demi Moore Great film. God, it's great to be in this space of the truth. I'm so not in the fucking mood to talk about the truth, but let's go for it. Why? Because you can't handle that.

Sorry. Because you can't handle my truth. No, because the truth is exhausting. The truth should not be exhausting. Lies are more exhausting, arguably. In the long run, sure. In the short run, lies are fun. In the short run, lies are fun.

Lies are fun. In a short run, lies are fun. that's good that's good let's have our first question for this week's lesson which I'm calling him from a little place called

Michael's Field in Cheshire and my question is about kind of personal truth so how do you know you're being really true to yourself versus performing to the world and all the distractions around it do you have any insights

or suggestions on how to really kind of make sure that's a commitment to really be true to yourself and be real let me know thank you girl see this is the shit I'm talking about macklesfield straight in with a swinger in the same week that they knock

the cup holders out of the f a cup crystal palace knocked out by macklesfield 117 places below them and then the first listen bitch is just a fucking haymaker boom back of the fucking neck how do you know you're not performing for the world I don't know you fucking tell me

exactly you start well look this is the thing man this is a very personal opinion I go on and on about the form of therapy I had, which is informed by the body. And I guess one thing I'm trying to work on, forever working on, is I think our body tells us how we feel about what we're saying, who we're with, where we are, what we're doing. And one of the most painful, unfortunate truths, I think, of our life is that we're kind of taught to disregard those feelings, that intuitive sense of, am I in the right place? Am I in the right relationship?

Am I saying a thing that reflects who I am? Because also there is the reality that we have to engage and conform to social norms. Also confront stuff. I read something today that said, what is the difference between intuition and, like, force when you're trying to make a decision? Or trying to move forward. Or is between intuition and forcing away. And the difference is, quite interesting, actually.

Intuition makes you feel uncomfortable. Fantasy doesn't. Ooh. And that's what I mean by this is, exhausted. It's like... Really? Yeah, just like I can say what I think sounds right, but if I really am going to tell the truth today, it's going to probably be a bit uncomfortable. If I was doing an idealistic version of what I would like the truth to sound like, that would feel easier, but it's not really the point of life. One thing I question in life, I think, is the idea that

we should dwell on a problem. I can't remember what it was that made me think this like a couple of years ago, but, you know, the thing of like, you know, to really come to a decision on something, you must sit with it for da-da-da-da. And I think you can do, but my personal opinion is I think people know instantaneously whether or not they want to do something. This is why I'm like, I kind of agree with you in like big life decisions, but in terms of it being uncomfortable, I feel like most of the time it's straight away. But what we do is we, we then go, hold on, let me think this through and then ultimately come to the same decision

yes methodically it's interesting because I think we kind of glamourise the idea of like I must sit and think with this and dwell on it and walk through a sunset and then come to a conclusion when actually it's like do you want to do this no do you know what I mean like really and truly if someone's like do you want this food no do you want to go to the place no I want to do this thing yes

yes no I just feel like but the spiral is so familiar it's like let me just get in the spiral and questiony place. And also you can change your mind. Yes, but it's like what Lil said about pain. It's like just, not just pain, but just things that are uncomfortable. It's okay to sit with them. No, no, she says more you must sit with them.

You must caress them. She's like, caress the pain, love the pain. But what's you're talking about, the feelings. Yes, that's different. That's more what it is. A feeling, yes, exactly. Sitting with a feeling is not the same as sitting with a thought. No, no, no.

So I would argue. that intuition is an immediate feeling to guide. If it was like, do you want to climb this fucking mountain and abseil down? Yes. Is that going to be incredibly scary? Yes. So you have to sit with the fear that comes after the, you know what I mean? So that's great because we all make our worst decisions when they're fear-based.

So now we know what happens before fear is this other thing called intuition. That is a really good way of kind of structuring where intuition comes into our sort of processing. it's first. To play devil's advocate to my own point. Incredible. Like, I think it is difficult because we are, don't literally have enough time or have the, you know, there aren't enough current like emotional workers that can give all of us the tools.

It's hard to differentiate between intuition and anxiety sometimes for some people. You know, if you're living in a constant state of fight or flight, like you're talking up with fear, right? Like, I think there's intuition before the fear. But if you're not listening, you just get hit by the fear. and then you're informed by the fear. Is you what I'm saying? Absolutely.

And you're right to say that because, you know, another thing I think obviously people in life should do more, which is, you know, the first part of something is always difficult. The first time, the second time is always difficult. And then you normalise it and then you integrate it, you know. So like people shouldn't go, that's hard. I don't want to do it. I'm scared.

With the dream would be, there'll be other factors that play that would dictate whether you do it rather than, but maybe I'm just doing a bit of a word salad here. No, no, no, no, not word salad. That was a great lunch. Thank you. Can we have another question for this week's listen, bitch? I always want the truth no matter what it is

so that I can understand and help people deal with their truth and me not having to like look for patterns where things don't make sense, which I tend to do. So I always want the truth, but I'm not always willing to give the full truth because I also want to protect the people that I might be telling the truth too. How fucked up is that? It really made me think, if that makes sense. So I always want the truth.

so I'm not looking for untruths, and I can help and understand and be a better communicator, but I don't always want to tell the truth because I want to protect people, but they might not want to be protected, like I don't want to be protected. Super interesting topic. I can't wait to hear about it.

Legend. Giving the truth out to people when you think that's not what they want to hear, even though you know it serves you well. Or I think the biggest societal conflict on this is that if the truth serves only to admonish the provider, of guilt, but burdened the recipient with a painful reality. That's where people are split, I think.

This takes me back to our little moment in Sri Lanka last week where you did tell me the truth. And as you said, actually, it wasn't just to serve me. It was also coming from a place of stuff that you were going through. But the truth still needed to be said and I needed to hear it. And I can't explain it. It's like I'm very grateful you just told me the truth quite bluntly. Basically, I think we're talking about short games and long games

and if you really are trying to serve someone lying to them is not going to fucking help them. And I do get quite people pleasing and I like people to like me and feel like what I'm saying makes them feel soft and good but I don't really want to piss about with time too much at the moment. I think I'm of the agreement that just to generalise the truth will always set people free.

I need to know who actually first said that. And I think that's true. And to answer the kind of second part of his question, I think it's interesting, this book I listen to called Your Brain on Love, which basically investigates a version of attachment theory. And he talks about the effects that parents have on children when they just tell them the truth in a very direct way, which is something that my mom would do with me. Like instead of your dog's gone to heaven, your dog's dead. Yeah, yeah. So it's interpreting somebody's question or interaction. This is what's actually really interesting.

I'm glad this guy said this. interpreting someone's question or interaction subliminally. So for example, I often think with relationships, which is, again, another dispute that goes on, is if somebody, if your partner asks you a question of like, do you think this? They might not actually be asking you what you think of this. They might just be going, I want some reassurance

or I want to feel connected to you in that moment. It's your duty to kind of provide that reassurance whilst maintaining a sense of truth if possible. So you're not living in like a fantasy. So like with an example of a child, it's like what you said, yeah, If a kid comes up to you and says, am I going to die one day? You're not really supposed to go, yeah.

You're supposed to say you're going to live for a really long time and have a great life, which isn't a lie. You're just soothing the kind of brief anxiety that person or child or whatever is experiencing. So there is a way of telling the truth and protecting someone. I think that's a kind of nice way to look at it. I was going to say, did I talk about that film with Julia Louise Dreyfus? No, not to me. Yeah, it's called You Hurt My Feelings. And it's really interesting.

It's about a lie in a relationship. And it's about the work that she's doing. She's a writer. Her husband doesn't like her second book. And she overhears him telling his friend, really just like something like whatever, but as a wife or in a relationship or someone, and this level of not even distrust,

but the shift and the discomfort. Oh, mate. It just fucks everything up in their relationship. And I guess it goes back to a place of, that is always happening in a relationship. We're always looking after the other person in it. and a few lies may come in that. Yeah, but that's quite a big one.

Yeah, that's quite a big one. Like, if Jade made a record you didn't like, are you telling her? Yeah. Wow. I have done, but I don't frame it like that. You know, if this is a piece of shit, you should move on. Because this is how I would like to be spoken to, is that it's like, I begin by saying all the things I love.

Like, there's always going to be elements of things that I enjoy and love, and that can be truthful. Or in space of saying, like, I don't like this song. I can be really emphatic that I like a different song. you know, I don't have to exclusively go like, that song's rubbish or whatever. And to be honest, obviously, Jade makes a bunch of bangers, so it's quite rare.

But it's also similarly, Jade does say the same. She'd be like, I'm not so into that one. You know, I prefer this one and then explain to me why she prefers this one. And I have to be open to that, even if it's tough. It's funny because there's another film called Force Majure by Ruben Ustalland means. He's like one of my favorite directors. But Force Majore is about a family at a ski resort

that sets off like fake avalanches to like keep the snow moving, right? But they don't realize that it's not a real avalanches. So they set off this avalanche and the father basically grabs his phone and just runs out. Jaliyan leaves his family. And the wife is like, you just left us. And he just was like, no, I didn't. I made sure you guys were okay.

And he, for the entire, Mikita, the entire film, he refuses to just admit in that important moment, he didn't think of it the family. And it destroys everything. It's really interesting. That's also a conversation about how much people need to sit in the narrative that they have created. even if it's the fucking truth or not. It's like, no, no, no, this is where I'm safe. I didn't abandon anyone.

I really value truth above anything. So like even if the truth I hear means that I don't want that person in my space, I will make it very clear that I very much respect that they've told me the truth. And then everything else can just get worked out afterwards. I wouldn't want to ever punish someone for telling the truth because I believe that would. And in my experience, as this happened, they'll probably end up lying. If you punish someone for telling the truth, they'll just, start lying. There is an element of subjectivity to what truth is, but I hold it in high regard, man.

Let's have another question. Hello. I wanted to send a voice note in this week because I saw the prompt and I was like, this is my episode. This is the one I'm going to relate to the most as someone who's always struggled with being completely 100% honest with people, kind of in general, a lot of the time when it's going to hit their feelings. If I feel a certain way about someone, that they need to know about what I just can't stand the thought of hurting someone's feelings or hurting someone, breaking someone's heart, which is what got me stuck in a two-year relationship that I wasn't very happy in. And I kind of lied to myself for a long time that I was happy. And then it was like, because there was really nothing wrong with the person. No one was doing anything

wrong. It just didn't fit. And I couldn't be honest with myself about that. And not honest with the other person about that. And I guess my question is, is have you guys got stuck in a situation for longer than you would imagine because you couldn't be honest with yourself or with a other person? That's it. Love you. Bye. Yes. Yes, is the short answer. Next question. Next question. No, too many. Not too many. I think like, I mean, I literally write about this in my book. I do go into detail about my conflict with guilt and, yeah, just like I guess. Do you know what I love most?

Do you know what I loved most about talking about lies and truth and things we tell ourselves, especially when we're in pain. You know what I love most about the book? Is that at the end, don't worry, other books are available. The bit at the end where you, oh my God, it's so good. When you're suddenly like, it was never about it. Yeah, I know. We don't even really get on that well.

Don't you not even let into each other. I was like, yes, this I know. Because it's not, I mean, obviously the bigger pictures you were meant to go through that journey to become the man you are today. Yeah, definitely. Of course. But it's like the things you were telling yourself in that year of not seeing that X have been there. And it's like, it's not based on truth at all. It's based on pain.

And fear. And fear and direct routes out of both. Yeah. I read something with, sorry, it is Oprah the other day. And she was like, I had to go back to a lesson from 30 years ago the other day because I needed it again. And I was like, oh, right. No, I know that, but I kind of thought that it would be new lessons, continuous new lessons. I was like, you're kidding me.

I've got to go back to the surrender one. Oh, God. I know. So I would say to this lady, have you ever stayed in situations because you couldn't be honest with yourself? Fuck yeah. Do I intend to ever do that again? No.

And that is my intention, which is the most important part of moving forward. And if it is your truth, then they can align and then start to make. your life look completely different. I think as you maybe hinted at before, that first thing of someone being disappointed or somebody feeling angry at you or somebody like not liking you or whatever, it takes an immense amount of self-awareness

or self-worth or to be able to confront that. It's really, really difficult, especially if you're a people-pleaser or especially if you, you know, have like codependent. Abandonment issues. It's like you are also freeing that person, even if they don't necessarily immediately see it themselves, you know. But again, I don't think we have really allowed ourselves this space.

This is why it's so interesting to have these conversations because you have to literally go to like a fucking retreat to learn this shit. Or you have to like, this isn't something that I don't think intrinsically we understand. You know, obviously it seems quite logical to not upset people. But if we are focused solely on like preventing people from feeling sad about the truth, then obviously we're going to get all fall into automatic. types of negative patterns. Yeah.

You know what? One Instagram post that like blew my mind in lockdown, which is a massive part of my healing. It was a fucking carousel, yeah. And it was like, and it was literally just them saying being nice can be self-betrayal, right? And then it went on to talk about, are you more afraid of somebody not thinking that you're nice at the expense of like how you truly feel? And then it basically went on to talk about like, you know, people using each other and

then like holding boundaries and whatever else. And I just realized that there's a lot of people, not. not just me, but like other friends of mine or whatever, and I see them in these damaging relationships because they just want to be seen as nice people. Do I mean? They just want to be like, you know, they're like, I'm a nice person.

And I'm like, it's not serving either. If you're allowing a person to treat you like shit or whatever, or if you yourself are falling into bad habits, then, you know, it's not about being nice about it. I don't know. My eureka moment years ago when I was like, oh, I don't need to explain shit. Yeah.

I can just walk away from this. Yeah. That was Eureka. Just fuck this shit. That was nice. I just wanted to say the phrase the truth will set you free was by Jesus Christ. That's the quote. Really?

Jesus Christ. Yeah. It's in the Bible's Gospel of John, chapter 8, verse 32, obviously. Jesus was speaking to Jewish believers, explaining that knowing and living by the truth of his teachings leads to spiritual freedom from sin, not just worldly knowledge or freedom from lies. We're going to take a little break, a little Sri Lankan high tea break. Welcome back to Miss Me from Sri Lanka, the island of Sri Lanka, where I saw peacocks today. And oh my God, and a really huge, massive lizard, but I walked alongside it because I'm brave.

And the birds, the birds came to say aye as well. Can we have another question for this week's listen, bitch? Hey, Jordan and Makita. Love the pod. I've been loving it recently. On the subject of truth, do you think that how comfortable you feel, you feel. with not telling the truth is impacted by age because I'm 42. The older I've got, the more comfortable I've become with not telling the truth at times,

whether it's around like thinking it's going to protect others, sometimes just being selfish and thinking about myself and just thinking about the bigger picture. I do have a moral compass and like a true north when it comes to my values. but I have been able to be more flexible. I just wondered what you thought about that. And if age or maturity had impacted on how you feel about the truth and we're not telling the truth. It's interesting that you're 42, darling,

because 42 is the age I turned this year, Jordan. Can you fucking believe that I'm going to be 42 years old? No. Thank you. I honestly can't. You act like a child. Thank you. youthful energy

just won't quit but this lady is an age that I'm very excited about I very much believe in the seven year cycle and the renewal of cells but also spiritually you know 7 14 21 21 28 Saturn's return 35 the year I changed my life

and now it's my new cycle of seven years so I've been really reflecting on the last seven bloody years wow what a ride I can't wait for 35 oh yeah and that's you next year very nice and what I would say say is when it comes to telling lies, do they feel different? I can't tell them anymore, really. They make me feel really uncomfortable. My voice changes. And all I can think about is what a

ball like it's going to be having to keep it up. And that is age. But there's also experience. I lived in a web of lies in my 20s. You know, people used to call me foghorn as a joke. Like, it can't keep a secret. And that's not necessarily lies or truth, but it was like, I was being very untrue to myself by spurting other people's stuff to other. Like it was an uncomfortable way of living and I knew energetically I wasn't living right. So yeah, I think age has got something to do with it. And I look forward to turning 42 and another seven years of pure soul, truth, living. Yes, you shall and it's evident.

Does she say she's finding easier to lie? Yeah. That's confusing to me because I would have assumed, and I don't know this, obviously, I mean, I'm 33 for another week. But I would have assumed that the older someone gets, the less they care about whether or not people can handle the truth. They'd just be like, whatever, man. I don't want to do that shit.

Like, that's what I would assume. But maybe not. I don't know. There must be something going on where you don't want to state what the case is often. And I think maybe that's the conversation you should have with yourself. Why don't I want to speak the truth rather than why do I lie? Why do I find it easier to lie? What is making me turn from just telling the truth?

whether that be like a little white lie to my son or my dad because they get bigger and then it's your life. So I would be interested in looking at what your relationship with truth is like because there is no truth without lie, actually. Really? There's no truth without lies.

What the fuck? Yeah. Sounds like a line from a Stephen Segal film. There's no truth without lies. No, no, there's an Arnold Schwarzenegger film called True Lies. I was like that. I remember True Lies, don't. I remember what a dumb title.

Was it like a Mr. a Mrs. Smith thing. I don't know what it was. I didn't watch it because the title was so bad. Drew lies. I mean, you can truly be lying. That's quite funny, isn't it? It can be a truth that you're a liar. Let's have another bloody question. Let's have another bloody question. Hi, my name is Natasha and I'm from London, loving the podcast.

What would you say is the hardest truth to accept? Nobody owes you anything. You can't control everything. people change and relationships end failure is a part of success bye actually I love them all apart from you can't control anything which is what I'm working on at the moment

which is what I'm doing some work on at the moment yeah which is the hardest truth to accept people change relationships end you can't control everything no one owes you anything and failure is a part of success no one owes you anything

I think I'm pretty good with that now yeah I've really learnt that the last five years I don't really need anyone to do anything that I want to do. Failure is a part of success. I lived it, bro. That's just my autobiography. So that one I'm fine with. People change relationships end.

Fuck a duck. I'm working on that one and I've worked on that for years, maybe five years. And then the last one. Control. Oh, this is the one that's setting me free at the moment. You can't control everything. See that as a true, true gift in life. not as a barrier because I spent years trying to control things and I had the worst time in my life.

So knowing that this year I'm going to live by that one, you can't control anything, but you can show up and have intention and do what you were him to do. Make sure you treat people well and do good and keep fortitude and keep your eye on the prize, but can't actually control how anything looks. And there's some real beauty magic in that surprise. Like when me and Nema went to see the turtles the other day. So we're all at the beach having a great day And then we were leaving in mid-name

We're like, we're going to walk up the beach To this bar where you can see the turtles come out And then Namer, my blessed cousin who is a bit of a warrior He goes, we probably shouldn't be excited to see the turtles Because then if they're not there, we'll be really upset. I was like, okay, I said, or we could expect nothing and be surprised And those fucking turtles showed up for us And we were surprised, but we weren't going there looking for them.

Yeah, I think a control thing and the people thing is kind of the same thing anyway. The most painful thing about people leaving us or unrequited love or whatever is that. It's a really stark reminder that we aren't in control of other people's decisions and lives. It really hurts. But imagine if some of those exes had stayed with you

and then you wouldn't be with Jady. Truth will set you free. Truth will set you free. So we'll end with Jesus Christ. Thank you very much, listeners. Safe. Our theme for next week's listen bit. Should we do puberty?

Yes, we should do puberty actually. Let's do it. Let's do puberty. Let's do it. All right. Next week's topic is... Puberty. Puberty.

Ah, puberty. I miss it. The beginning. There's things about male puberty that you won't know. And there's things about female puberty that I won't know. And that's the beauty of it. That's right. And if you want to talk about or leave us a question about puberty,

send your voice notes in to 08,000 3040, 40, 9090. He is officially a presenter of Miss Me. He knows the fucking WhatsApp number. That's right. That's right. Okay, we are still in Sri Lanka to get this way. We'll still see you in five minutes. I'm going to go and see Jade.

Okay, you go see Jade. I love you. Bye. Love you, bye. Thanks for listening to Miss Me. This is a Percephonica production for BBC Sounds. Oh, hello. I'm Joe Marla, traitor hunter, reader of minds and completely unqualified. Have you ever wanted to get deep,

into the heads of celebrities, ever wanted to see some totally unregulated psychological testing in action, welcome to my office, where I'll be making famous people uncomfortable in the name of science and light entertainment. Joe Marla will see you now. That's me, Joe Marla, I'll see you now. Listen now on BBC Sounds.