Miss Me? - The Gooch of Christmas Past

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver discuss decorations, Christmas parties and the best karaoke songs.This episode contains very strong language and adult themes. Credits: Producer: Flossie Barratt Technical Producer: Will Gibson Smith Production Coordinator: Hannah Bennett Executive Producers: Dino Sofos and Ellie Clifford Assistant Commissioner for BBC: Lorraine Okuefuna Commissioning Editor for BBC: Dylan Haskins Miss Me? is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. This episode of Miss Me contains very strong language, some adult themes, but lots and lots of Christmas cheer to mediate it all. It's Christmas! What are you laughing at? I'm laughing because I didn't think you'd actually do this for me. I mean, I haven't really got anywhere to put everything. This is great. Let's set the room now, shall we? That can go on that right kind of shelf thing.

What, here? That little side board, yeah that's nice there. Santa could go next to him. I've got little slippers so I'm just going to put them on. That's okay, now that was the main thing. I felt like if Christmas cheer is hard to find for anyone, it's always good to put a shoe on with a bell on it. You can't not feel Christmas cheer

if your feet have bells on them. Look at you, darling. Hi. Merry Christmas. It's just so lovely that you've worn everything that was sent to you from Father Christmas last night. Little elf hat, little elf shoes with bells. Yeah.

Well, thank you for sitting up there. There, we got there in the end, didn't we? So we can now officially say welcome to the Miss Me Christmas special. Yay! Merry Christmas! Fa la la la la la la la la. I'm more of a... In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan. That kind of song, you know? I love that kind of stuff. So you're more of a hymn girl.

Well, my first solo was actually in the bleak midwinter at Wells Cathedral. Yes. That was my first church solo, like proper solo in a chamber choir. In a chamber choir. See, I don't even know things about like the different types of choirs. Well, I'm sure you can do some research,

find out all about the history of choirs. That would be incredible. Nope, I worked on a few other things for our history segment of today's Miss Me Christmas special. But I wanted to just talk about Christmas in general and how everyone's feeling. Because there is a feeling of being able to stop, right? I'm not there yet, but yes, it is approaching.

Me neither. It's definitely around the corner. It needs to be. But not there yet, but yes, it is approaching. Me neither. It's definitely around the corner. It needs to be. But not here yet. It bears me. I'm done. No, it feels really nice to actually have a Christmas special because when I wasn't working for a long time, I used to really miss that time of my life that every Christmas

I'd have a montage of my life made but like you know whatever show was on t4 and pot world and then so you would see your life with music behind it but for instagram I was used to seeing a montage of what I'd done with a nice song behind it got Makita wrapped yeah exactly before Spotify all this and um and then when I wasn't working I didn't know how to mark the end of my year and then I would get very jealous when like Fern Cotton was doing like the radio on Christmas special or Grimmie was doing the breakfast show Christmas special or something like that So I'm really happy that we have our miss me Christmas special. Is this the first of a Christmas special you've been part of?

I mean, I have no idea, Makita. You know what my memory's like. Probably not. I've probably done something Christmas themed before in my life. I think you probably did some Jonathan Rossi stuff. I definitely did have done Jules Holland Hootenanny, but that's New Year. But it's also filmed in like October, so... Don't say that to me!

You know how this works, Mak me. You know how this works You know how it works. I Remember when I did the Argos voiceover I had to do the advert in July and I was like this is fucked up This is too soon. This is too early for me. But when I did my Christmas shopping this week I went to one of our great department stores in London town with my mom Getting lots of lovely things for the people we love. Oh, I hooked you up I Christmas the shit out of you. I think you deserve it. I was like, I'm really gonna do this

Yeah, I'm gonna do this. I looked at my bag from the row that you got me for my birthday I was like, yeah, I'm gonna do this But but interesting in the in the Christmas shop the that have been working at you going, you know, it's like beautiful. They really, they go all out. I love it. And these people have been working there, they told us since September, hearing these songs all day long, every day and feeling Christmasy. And I think there is a part of Christmas that can make you feel sick. You know, how you feel like in the weird week between Christmas and New Year. The gooch.

What? The gooch. What's the gooch? That's the time between Christmas and New Year. I call it the weird week. Do you call it the gooch? It's called the gooch, yeah. Is that from your mum? No. Because you know it's also the same, the gooch is also the name for the bit

between the fanny hole and the bum hole. I know, but it sounds dirty and sexual. Yes. I don't know why we're- Also known as the stink bridge, but yeah. Okay, so is Christmas essentially the vagina? Christmas is the vagina, New Year is the bum, yeah. Yeah, okay.

vagina. Christmas is the vagina, New Year is the bum. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, that takes me away from my lead into do we want tradition versus modernity in our Christmases. But I'll just bring us back there because in said Christmas shop, all the decorations had been modernized but the way they decorated the shop hadn't. The decorations of the actual shop were very old-school and very traditional right what we're used to but in the shop it's Kanye it's Madonna things to hang on your not like the Madonna. Even like baubles. Yeah and I just wanted to find a good you see like this stuff I got in the background this traditional shit? I had to go further afield for that stuff.

And there is this kind of forcing of that modern feel on Christmas, I don't think it needs it. We can just be in an elf hat and some rain, I actually forgot I was in reindeer ears as I talk about this. I don't think you need to overthink it. I think that you can mix, you know, the old and the new, it can be done. I think they're you need to overthink it. I think that you can mix, you know, the old and the new.

It can be done. I think they're probably trying to cater to different markets, you know. There are some people that just want a modern Christmas tree and some people want a traditional one. I went to that Selfridges shop. I did find some traditional baubles. What I was going to say is the traditional stuff has been moved out for the modern stuff. You can't get it. I wouldn't mind if it was mixed. Maybe the traditional stuff has been moved out for the modern stuff.

You can't get it. I wouldn't mind if it was mixed. Maybe the modern stuff was selling better so they chucked out the old trad stuff. People will eat what they're given. But I do feel very Christmassy today. And I was remembering that we did have very intense Christmas periods together in our early, early days because a lot of people may not know this.

Our family created the Notting Hill Panto, Portobello Panto actually. Yeah. Forgot it was the Portobello Panto. Tell everyone about the Portobello Panto Lil. Well, it pretty much does what it says on the tin. It was a pantomime in Portobello Road at, uh, the, what was it called? The building? Well, it was at the Tabernacle, but it started at the Cobden club. Yes.

And there would be, you know, traditional pantomime and then I think my dad and my uncle would like write silly songs and you know everyone got involved. I think the one that sticks out to me the most is the Peter Pan one. Of course yes yes. You were all princesses or something and I was a lost boy. No yeah you really don't remember shit. No, we, Cinderella was the first one and actually talking of throwing modernity over tradition. It was a traditional story, but I remember Kevin Allen, who's Lily's uncle, who started

the Notting Hill Panto with an actress called Anna Chancellor. And they, I remember he made the prince's sidekick like a bit of a cokehead. Do you remember? And he had like a snuff box. That's so, so weird. Why would they do that? Yeah. I ha ha ha.

Yes. I don't think they were talking about our family. I think what they were trying to do is show a bit of modern life within it. And at the time it was loads of people taking a lot of drugs in West London. How on the nose. But anyway, we did Cinderella there at the Compton, but Phoebe says you weren't in that, it was just me. I don't know why I was in it.

They couldn't afford me. At that point they couldn't afford me. And then we did Cinderella and me, Phoebe and Jade were allowed to be fairies. And for some reason you had to be the frog. I don't know who made that casting decision. Look at that, for some reason you had to be the frog. Like, I don't know. I mean, definitely didn't have anything to do with that.

How could I? Phoebe said to me, who was in charge of casting? It wasn't me, was it? I was like, seven. I mean, you've probably manipulated the casting director. Like, can we just not fight? Should we have a Christmas fight? Should we have a fucking Christmas fight? Because we're not going to be together on Christmas day.

We could have it now. A Christmas Barney. Over the Phantom of 96. That's an interesting idea. No, let's not. Let's not, let's save it. Listen, you were the frog and I believe it to be an early point of trauma. So it's important that you remember. That's an interesting idea. No, let's not. Let's not, let's save it. Listen, you were the frog and I believe it to be an early point of trauma. So it's important that you remember...

That I was a frog? Yeah. I was consistently given bad parts in plays. I was Burt, the railway master's son, in the railway children. I was... I was never given my to my time to shine no no no not till your 20s but wait a minute is that because you had that it was that when you had a slightly weird bowl haircut I don't know why it was I was just consistently overlooked my talents were not recognized interesting but then but then and also on Wikipedia or whatever that we looked up for the research just consistently overlooked. My talents were not recognized. Interesting. But then, but

then and also on Wikipedia or whatever that we looked at for the research of Notting Hill Panto, it's actually your stage debut, officially stage debut is the Notting Hill Panto. And then everyone came together, we took some autonomy. That's what happened because they were doing Peter Pan and we said, can we be the lost girls and not the lost boys and they said yes and it was me and Phoebe and this is the tune we sang. It's a little ditty called Trouble by a band called Shampoo came out in 94. Uh oh we're in trouble something's going on and it burst my bubble oh yeah uh oh we're in trouble. Something's going down. Which much on the double?

And then Phoebe reminded me we had to work really, really hard. Like we had to do like three weekends in a row of Christmas and matinees, Lil. Don't talk to me about matinees, babe. That's what I'm saying. Maybe this got you ready for the stage. So we have a lot of history in Pando and it's how we spent a lot of Christmases together

Some might say our lives have been one big pantomime He's behind you. Oh no, he didn't yes. He did. Yes Yeah, hundred-percent did notting Hill Panto was unfortunately ruined by the gentrification of Notting Hill. I just have to say that. I saw an advert for the Panto that's now, oh my gosh. So what is it like Harper Beckham is like, I don't know, someone. It's just like, telling the Gartney's kids is like, we could put you in the East or something.

Makita, can you put your antlers back on, please? I actually don't want to. Yeah. OK. No, it's not because I know because I brought Christmas with my set and my top. This is Paco Rabanne. I don't really want to wear the antlers. OK, got it. No problem. Got it. So we are having a Christmas lunch, just like the classic office Christmas party. We're a team. It's not just me and Lily that might miss me.

Oh, no, no, no. Those people that went up to get our award, that's who makes me. And we're going to have a, classic, teen Christmas lunch. Yeah, very excited about that. And then we're gonna go and do karaoke afterwards. Your idea, yep. I've been practicing a few songs. How?

By listening to them on Spotify in my car and singing quite loudly. And yeah, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve. Yeah I got a few things I'm ready to do. Okay and what advice would you give to me as someone that doesn't enjoy karaoke at all? Just lean into it. Have a couple of drinks. Lean in. You're not going to enjoy it if you've already decided that you don't enjoy it. Why don't you go into it with an attitude of like, hmm, maybe I should try and enjoy it.

What songs do you think I should be looking at? Like Luther Vandross maybe, that would make me happy. Yeah, but also I think there's something more fun about like the tragedy of karaoke. So I feel like, you Eternal Flame like oh come on all by myself that kind of thing. No I get that it kind of needs drama and narrative you know that I do have quite a big karaoke history because of the fucking bird cage. I'm gonna do Sarah Bariala's Gravity.

Something always brings me back to you. Oh my God. Never breaks me down. I didn't know we could take it there. No matter what I say or do. I'll do Vanessa Carlton. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

This is the right track. This is the right track. Yeah. This is very- Looking back at me, watching a big, harder day than homebound. Okay, I get it. Oh, you know, and then like Carrie Underwood,

like, you know, what's that? You know, and he took his key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seat. I love when you sing country, Lilly. I think you should really lean into country. Oh baby. In our karaoke on our Christmas party and in life.

You wait till I play you these demos I've been making. Right, like, do you know what? I'd love to sing some Patsy Cline. You walked by and I fall to pieces. That's beautiful. My mum used to sing a lot. Shut up. I don't know what it was. You revealed your voice to me then for the first time.

You have a voice. I'm not going to shut up. Take the compliment, lean into it. It's a new year. That's not what my mum says. Mum says it's not a gift you were given. That's a trauma bond issue that I'm not willing to get involved in. As your friend.

Oh God. We just had a full moon. It's time to let go of those things Speaking to Phoebe. No, I haven't but my my Instagram algorithm is all Yeah, that shit right now. Yeah. No, I get it. I remember when mine was I probably sent you a few Affirmations as well recently. Oh look someone's just sent me a full moon picture Yes, the full moon is all about letting go and being free. Making space. Making space, filling it with the right stuff.

Yeah. But there are certain things that have to happen at a Christmas office party, I feel. Like Dino made that joke about like, let's get a photocopier and flash our bums. You can get fired for saying things like that now. Oh my God. Dino said he's got photocopier, small, it can go under the table.

We all just have to take our pants down and scan it. And we said, Dino, that's who he said, no, it's not his tradition. And I said, I'm calling HR. And he said, we don't have HR. I am HR. I think other things are, you know, inappropriate. Like, well, there's like two trysts that will happen at the office party. There's the, there's the like unlikely couple fingering in the loo. Oh my God.

That's quite office Christmas party, Lil. Like, oh my God, I've gone too far with like Bill from accounts. I don't think you have sex, but you'd probably let yourself get fingered in the cubicle. I just want to put it out there, I don't want to get fingered by any Miss Me employees in the toilet at the Christmas party, okay? 100% that, I don't want that to happen. It's important to get that out there, because otherwise they wouldn't know. Yeah. You know, I feel like there are things that, there are things that people are worried about at Christmas, like, like, oh, no, no, no, maybe things that you're like worried you might do, okay?

Like text an ex or something. Or, you know, when you worry that you're going to have a fight with someone that you love, like one of your sisters or your brothers or your dad. I think we just all have to be a little bit less worried and a little bit more flowy with this full moon. Let things happen. Actually, I was talking to Phoebe and Grimmie the other day with this full moon. Let things happen. Actually, I was talking to Phoebe and Grimmy the other day because Phoebe was here for the weekend

and I took her out for drinks in Dalston like we were 22 again. Oh my God. I know. And Grimmy came and Mish and Seb and Hassan and Clara and all these people and I said, why do people say they left me on red? Because actually, when someone has read your message

on WhatsApp and they ignore you, Lily Allen, it's blue. So why don't people say she left me on blue? And then Grimmy said, no, it's not on red, it's un-red. No, no, no, it is on red. It is on red, isn't it? He said it's un-red. No, you left is on red. It is on red isn't it? He said it's un-red. No you left me on red Not on red the color on red like it's been red. Oh

Got it like on red Okay, even deeper Cuz grimy thinks he got it right as in un-red but it's on red cuz I was like but the tics are blue. Yeah It derives from the, you know, the days in which people sent messages via iMessage, and it would send you the delivery saying red. Red. And it's been transferred to WhatsApp.

To the ticks. Yeah. He left me on two ticks. No, he left me on red. Either way, it's the hardest thing in the world. I do understand and I just want you to know you are still lovable if that happens to happen to you over this Christmas period because that shit can cut. I think I might call my new album left on red. It's not bad. Don't mind if you do at all. We're going to go to a break because every Christmas holiday needs a little moment for yourself.

When your family are driving you mad, you need a fag in the garden and a sherry to yourself. So that's what this moment is. See you after the break! Young brotherless child. Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace. Well done, Hague! Well done, Hague! You know I can see your little seven year old face singing that. Good King Wenceslas walked out on the Christmas...

I hate that one. We are being paid good money by the BBC to just sing Christmas carols. Lily, tell us about your New York Christmas and how it looks. Well, I'm not there right now, but that's why I just had to text my cousin because she is there with my children and I had, every year I buy four tickets to go and see the Nutcracker at the Lincoln Center. And I've completely forgotten that I have these four tickets so now they're going to have to go without me tonight. Such a classy New York thing

to do. Yeah and we go to you know Rockefeller and look at the Christmas tree do ice skating go to FAO Schwartz buy some toys. They're kind of growing out of toys now although jelly cats are quite big on the list this year. I just got Ethel's present I think it's a bit grown up, but I think it's time. I hope it's not dildo. No. I would like to talk about some of the greatest Christmas parties. Some of the greatest Christmas parties I've ever thrown.

And really the origins of something that's quite deeply embedded in our family, which is the Great Big Family Quiz. I used to live in a flat in our family, which is the great big family quiz. I used to live in a flat in Old Street, which was like an old button factory, and it had a big mezzanine floor, which works really well for a quiz because you have like a stage and you're above everyone, like an amphitheater really.

And then what you do is we had about 60 people once, and you just split the room in half and throw things in like lightning rounds, throw things in like music rounds throw things in like Music rounds and all you have to do is nick the questions from Trivel Pursuits and it gets violent and scary In our family, but it is a lot of fun and it's a tradition now But I do always feel like I'm gonna be killed because I am the quiz master at all times Do you ever come to the quiz at Eagle Wolf Road? No, you just came to the

party where you DJ'd. Yeah. That was a great party. There was about 300 people there. And Zane Lowe? Yeah, quizzes and quiz, I get quiz intimidation. It's fondly known as the cheeses that pleases. It actually is. Millie's job is to get the cheeses that pleases and I love cheese and I love these very particular oat cakes that come from Sally Clark's in Notting Hill.

And there's always a point at which the oat cakes run out. And it's a sad, sad moment. Right. But it's just the point at which I then start spreading the soft cheese on the hard cheese. So the hard cheese becomes the cracker. Wow. Why don't you just double order? Actually that's probably in the gooch week when you don't give a fuck. It's the gooch not goosh. It's not the gooch. It's the gooch. The goochy week. Definitely that's some go, it's, it's gooch cheese. Oh, grim. Oh, fucking hell. Yeah, very important cheeses that pleases.

Have you done a cook, because now you have your own family, do you do Christmas dinner on your own? I have not done that yet, I don't think. Maybe once. Not very good at event cooking for other people. I find the pressure a lot, but I think you revel in it. I think you do very well in under that kind of brief

yeah I mean I love cooking I love prep really it's very therapeutic can't eat a fucking onion I mean I don't know cuz I'm not really allowed in the kitchen at my mum's house so I'm told to keep out she's in Kenya already and then she takes me like just feels really weird not being with you in Garford Chris is like why did you fuck off to Kenya on the 15th then? Is she were Nick? Your decision? Yeah, she's with Nick.

Are they in the mountain or are they in Nairobi? They're in Nairobi about to go to the mountain. How come they just stay there till Sunday because that's when I'm going to Nairobi. God, you really are on the move right now. So you're going to come be in America, come back home to England and then go to Kenya. Okay. All right. I'll see you there. to England and then go to Kenya. Okay. All right. I'll see you there. Um, I love you and I want to say well done us for this year of, um, revealing every single part about ourselves to the world. It's been only something I could do with you by my side. And I want,

um, you to be very proud of the work we've done this year. We should be, we should pat ourselves on the back for creating something new. Oh yeah, we fucking sold out Hackney Empire two nights in a row, go on. Come now, come now. Don't know what that's gonna look like. Definitely need to get our thinking caps on.

Oh, that's a lot. It's only like 12 weeks away. Oh my God, don't say that. But yeah, truly, what a year to spend with each other. It's been quite a ride. I love you. I love you too. I want you to have a lovely Christmas.

Any last Christmas cheer you'd like to spread across the world? It's not Christmas day yet. Any advice, anything you'd like people to feel and know? Or just another song. You could just do another song. Ding dong merrily on high, the heaven bells are ringing. Gloria! Hosanna in excelsis!

There you go. Thank you very much for a great year of Miss Me. We will see you for the final Listen Bitch of the year or if you will, uh, Chrisen Bitch, right? Does that work? No. Yeah, Christmas. Listen, Chrisen. Yeah, but Christmas isn't about christening. Take the religiousness out of it. Chrisen Bitch bitch or maybe okay and then we knew from first episode that that was not my fault and that's why lily names every episode and i don't otherwise it would be called christen bitch and just to say it's a bit bloody special thank you because it's uh all people that we know asking us questions. No!

Yeah, by the way, I've had quite a few family friends just blurt out like, well when I had to ask a question for Listen Bitch, I was like, thanks Gough. I didn't know you were doing that. Nice one. Oh my gosh, how exciting. It is a bit bloody exciting. I love you, Merry Christmas, and I will see you for Listen Bitch on Monday. Go on.

I dare you to say bye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to Miss Me with Lily Allen and Makita Oliver. This is a Persephoneka production for BBC Sounds. Hello, I hate to pull you away from Lily and Makita, but I've got to tell you about a great new podcast called Diddy on Trial.

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