Mission To Zyxx - D03: The Fresh Princeling

Episode Date: January 28, 2026

Strap on your tunics and cotehardies or whatever, and let’s visit the royals! We’re all hatchin’ big plans this chapter. Twinkle goes undercover, GOOD_E dispenses some justice, Shae makes a love connection, and I barely spill any pee all over the place. Huzzah!Created by:Jeremy BentAlden FordAllie KokeshSeth LindWinston NoelShane O’ConnellJustin TylerMoujan ZolfaghariFeaturing a special appearance by Siobhan ThompsonEdited by Seth Lind and Alden Ford Sound design and mix by Shane O’ConnellOriginal chamber music by Eric GersonTheme song composed by Brendan Ryan, performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O’Connell, Adam Minkoff and Jay FairesThe Young Old Derf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network and made possible by support from the members of Maximum Fun and a season long sponsorship by Rocket Money.  Lovingly researched and sound-described transcripts are embedded in every episode page on missiontozyxx.space!

I'm not known as a graceful speaker, and I've got to tell you, that was just, uh, I don't know, there's like poetry coming out of my mouth. I didn't write it. I just said it. Oh. Wait a minute. Why's the red light on now? Oh, no. Did I not press record, and now it's recording.

I missed all the entire chapter of my life. I've wasted a whole moment of my life by talking about my life. Oh, we lost so much. There was, um, the actual details of how. how we escaped through the tunnels. A long speech about the nature of love in a forgotten galaxy. Oh, that was... People were crying.

How did prisoners were crying? I made them cry. I forget. It's gone. Out of my brain. We filed off the serial number on our prison transport, the Prison Break Express. But I know what you're thinking. What happened to the masturbating guy?

Well, that's a story for another day. Can you remember have a spin-off? Because that guy's got a lot of life to tell you about. Still one of my closest friends. Still yanking it on a minute-to-minute basis. Man, never remember those words. I forget the words, not even after I say them, but while I'm saying them. Oh, man, and here I am in the middle of the produce section,

trying to get some groceries, trying to eat better. I wonder if this tape recorder has an auto save. Uh, hmm, well, it's pretty low-fi. Not a lot of digital save points here, okay. Well, no use crying over it. unrecorded milk. So where were we? Right, let's recap. We escaped the planet with a guy named Twinkle who didn't kill me, but had the right hand of the guy that killed me. I think he was going to lead us to our next step. And that step was a planet you'll never see coming.

We've cleared the atmosphere and we're entering hyperspace. Yay! I always applaud when the pilot goes into hyperspace. Alright, well, it was a pleasure getting you out of prison. We'll just... It will be a pleasure to continue. Not saying goodbye as we forge ahead. No. To create liberation, Galaxy Wide Shea.

No, no, I got you out of prison. That's all I needed to do. I have seen it through. And, you know, good day to you. Don't be a stranger, okay? Do people fighting side by side can't be strangers, Shay. Twinkle, my meal ticket is in the bathroom right now. Don't you want to be part of something bigger than yourself?

How are you still caught up in this, Twinkle? Caught up in this. There's nothing else to be caught up in. It's the zipper that closes on all of our skin. Oh, my, beautiful. Twinkle, I don't have time for one of your monologues. What is it you're asking me to do? Give you a hand. Starts with an orange with a bellion. Rebellion?

That's not ill-sidious. We're on the run from both the underworld and the government. I think we should pick one. Hmm. Goody, that may be your first solid idea. I can make time for you in the rebellion, Twinkle. Yes. On the condition.

Uh-huh. That you call Talbot, tell him to back off. That I will do, Shea. After several missions. What? Sorry guys had to hit the head. Did we jump into hyperspace? Because my P-stream got old cheekily.

Yes, that's right. We have a course charted for the aristocrats sector. Ah, man, I love it. It's like all my cells are dancing. Like sitting on a dryer. Yeah. It's like a little shake to it, you know? Oh, no, I think that is the dryer of the shuttle.

You did laundry before we went to hyperspeat through a loading? Yes. Cleanliness and good hygiene are always important. Anybody else still thinking about that prison break? So much happened, just like ducking, scrawling through different little cracks and crevices. What a time. Apologies again about you guys being stuck in solitary that whole time. But didn't we have a real banger right after you got out?

That was fun. You asked what I sacrificed? No, no, we didn't. Once. Trinkle, are you getting your ironing board out? What are you? Do you have other plans to get to here? I have but the one sash.

If we're going to see the royals, we're going to have to look the part. Excuse me. The royals. Wait, where's the ship headed? Where's the ship headed? Where does all evil begin and end? The sentient heart. The monarchy.

Oh. Oh. Oh. You are now entering monarch. What is space? Well, fast hyperspace. Are you friend or foe? Friend.

Smart. Foe never works. How good of a friend. College roommates where we didn't choose to live together the second year, but still kept in touch, kind of level. It's like a four on the friend scale. Very close to phone. You may proceed. Comrades. We're going to dock at Chunnleston Castle, the putrid undercarriage, the monarchy itself.

I've arranged cover identities for the lot of us. You can gather your necessary until, while I pursue a key target. So you are going to infiltrate the monarchy, very cool. What shall we be, some high-flutin, off-planet Duke and Duchess, or are we going to be visiting dignitaries who are coming in at the top? Something like that, yes Yes And though you'll enter through the garter hope Oh, where the guards go in smart

Sneak under their petticoats No, it's a fancy term for the poop shoot Excuse me Also under the petticoats in a way I'm understanding now why Twinkle didn't ask us if we wanted to do laundry Before this activity Nanny, Westwater

We'll hand the way out though I'll want to do a load Oh yeah Watch the old Dirt suit Though you'll enter through the poop shoot, your time there won't be in vain, D'rf, because as you seek your killer, know that all roads of darkness lead back to the monarchy. And someone in that palace knows. You think Durf's killer is in the monarchy? You know, I sense sort of a royal vibe from the killer, you know?

When you're coming for the king, send a king. That's what they say. That's what who says? You ever play space chess? You ever play space chess? No. King kills the other king sometimes. We both have our missions.

And so we enter Channel soon. You're right, Twinkle. The nerd rots from the head, they say. So let's go to the head. Yes. Actually, we're going to the pod. Castle is massive, so thick. And there's people everywhere.

Oh, trade. How's day? Yesterday's bread? Yesterday's. I'll take two He's nostalgic for the breath Yes He brings back memories

Get your pint of goat's breath Goat's breath How do you capture that? We have a two for ones dear Two goats breasts for the price of ones Everyone's dressed It's such old-timey things Like what year is it here

Well der, Autocratic governments often create pomp And splendor to mass their cruelty I guess the monarchy is no different, but the galaxy seems to love the glamour. This whole street is animal's shit, so I don't know. Gather round, gather round as I put this swat inside of my body. Ow, ow, ow, ow, oh. I didn't go through the mouth.

Yeah, that dude just killed himself. Dead body for sale. Dead body for sale. How old? Just a just fresh Man, no, no, no Getting only staler Bid now

Move out of the way Move out of the way. They get to go through the front door. Excuse me, Swine guy. We're trying to find like the poop elevator. We need to go to the

Southeast garterobe underneath Turrit 19. All so I know is I'm going to Hand over my monarch pigs, which I get for 70 pills and a tooth to that royal right there. Stephen. Stephen. Stephen in the velvet cave? Sure is he is.

That is who he is. Thanks, swine guy. Really broke through the pig shit ceiling over there, didn't he? Well, there's a... Oh, shea. Shea, watch where you're stepping. I've covered in pig shit. Actually, I think I have an idea.

Goody, you're going to contribute to this mission whether you like it or not. Stephen, Stephen, is that you? You old, so you come here right here. Oh, Stephen, put her there. I must admit I'm at a loss. Stephen, come on. You act as though you know me familiarly, but sadly. I'm afraid I do not share the pleasure.

Oh, Stephen Whirl always do it. It does sound like something I would do. Well, it was great to see you, Guy. I just, it has been too long. We should get the girls together, shouldn't we? We should. Enjoy your market days. And you...

What was that old? Did you date that guy? What happened, Che? What? No, it was a reverse pickpocket. What? I gave him Goody. And all I got in return was this solid gold actual watch.

That's the best upgrade I've ever heard of. Why was it so easy to get rid of Goody when I think both you and I have been trying to make that happen for so long? Look, all these stars needed to align, you know? I needed the slippery monarch swine shit. I needed someone with very thin wrists, and I needed to be out of orbit from my parole officer. Ah, turret 19. And what's this hanging out of the poop chute?

A rope ladder? Don't mind if I do. Ours. Are you two the new hires? Scullery made a hall boy. Oof, by the smell of you. I think we found our guy. Oie, the stars twinkle at night, right?

Twinkle. It's an easy password to hack. Yes, the stars do twinkle. Come with me. Come with me. We've been needing a new hole boy. It's got to be made a little of a wire, didn't we? Let me ask you, I've done, as obviously, I have a lot of experience as a hallboy,

but what sort of hallboy are you looking for? Someone to walk the halls or just, uh, redecorate them. No, you'll be working 16, 18 hours a day, every day. You'll be responsible for in chamber pots, cleaning boots. Sorry, just real quick on this planet, everyone still shits in little urns. Flying around to space, they're still using chamber pots?

Oh, my apologies, so you think we should be higher and droids to do this work? Or perhaps they shit into teleporters and get teleport it into space. Would you prefer that? That would make a lot of sense just for that. Why invest in technology? Will you get some stupid commoner to do it for you? Under threat of violence or death? Oh, so you're not even getting paid.

Paid? Are you familiar with a hierarchy of the monarch and the royals? No, we could use a refresher. Well, it boils down to this. Over thousands of years, we've perfected our caste system. So there's the monarchs and royals, and then there's everyone else. Those are the two casts. Thank you.

We're shit, and they're not. The galaxy's under the monarchies, they're a royal phone, as it were. Took you in thousands of years to sort of into two groups. Listen, hold boy. Come close. Touch my nose. Touch my nose with your nose, right?

Hey, listen to me. I was told by Twinkle to take care of you. Now, if you want to survive, you're going to stick with me and do as your toll, right? No, I'm in. I wanted to do the whole by. I just had a couple questions about. why I'm handling piss jars.

It's just a normal. On the job, quest. Take me to the hall. I'm a hallboy. All right. That's a nice watch, madam. Hmm. The time is 17.

Do I miss a goodie? Stephen, you've returned from the outside world. Yes, my apologies. My swine dealer was running late, so I must have him reprimanded for delaying our session of court. Who was that? I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

I do think there's been a mix-up. It seems that I'm separated from my true charge, but I'm sure we can get all this cleared up as soon as possible, and I'll be on my way. This watch seems possessed. How absurd! Blacksmith melt down this watch immediately. No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, well, before we do any melting,

do you have any need for a... My, what a sly joke! One of the others must have played upon me. Very well, watch. I shall defer to your... judgments on today's supplicate. Bring them in. Portis now in session

with Judge Stephen. Who shall be the first to plead their case in front of my august personage? My lord, my lord. Yes? I wish you to stand a judgment of this peasant who has uttered words against the monarchy.

Her most grave crime indeed. During the nuptials of the dukees of the Duke and Duchess last week. The fireworks got out of hand and set blaze to this man's fetched cottage, and as it burned to the ground, it was said that he was

heard muttering to himself, blast this monarchy. So, pass judgment as you will. The most grave crime indeed. Now watch, the standard punishment for this would be to remove the tongue of the offender. Watch, what would you do?

Each actually strengthens government structure so that when citizens feel like they can express the, themselves, they are more loyal to the government. Hmm. A most curious gambit, watch. Uh, freedom of speech isn't considered a gambit. We shall try this radical idea of yours.

Freedom of speech. Okay. The watch shall decide your sentence. What shall we do with him, watch? Roof again. Give a blasphemeer more thatch. It is a most unusual day. Take your thatch and go, worm.

Oh, wrong. Carry this man in Thatch until he cannot be found. No, no, no, no. Well, I think they've taken him already, so... Send in the next subject. A humble majesty, I stole only to feed my children. My wife was taken in the last plague, and with but one hand I stole the corn. My other hand was taken by your swift justice last time.

Well, I am... Very well. It's not usually how this works, but very well. Man, the saying is, I'll lie. Okay, I'm literally alive, and I'm still here. He's just trying to get out of our marriage. Hmm. Are they stealing court or trying to get divorced?

Yes, I admit I am confused as well, watch. Both can be true. Fine, fine, I'm trying to rid myself of her. But she, as you can see, sucks. so you so you can see she doesn't We shall be the judge of who sucks And who does not suck

Watch What say you of this case Well Take not my only remaining hand Your insolence makes me wish to take your hand Immediately peon No no no No one was hurt

In the crime, right? Well not yet No I meant there was no I'm about to take the hand Right but Don't you think that maybe Some counseling

Maybe what would be a better way forward? Very well, Watch. I shall take your counsel this once. I sentence you to a lifetime of counseling. Worse! Finally placed the last of the charges underneath the monarchy transport. All my rod, every bone in my dusty body is aching. I gotta tell you, Chandler, we need more personnel. We're the leaders of this rebellion, okay?

Why is it up to me to be running wire and clambering underneath ships, holding a bag of dentamite in my teeth? This is a young prison's game. And here I am with a body that looks like a hot dog. Somebody left on the grill overnight. Of course, bounty hunters, demolitions experts, sniper pilots, and the like aren't cheap. But if we can wrangle the rebellion's finances, we might be able to afford the extra ships and people we need to turn the tide. That's why I've signed us all up for.

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Oh! Oh, my wheezing must have alerted the monarchy cards. Oh, what's this heart attack? Let's up. A quick second. I'll make a break for the Gazette drop point. Ah! Come on, lower husks. Don't fail me now.

Alliance leader Ross Corpusidian fighting a- emission bad for... So damn hot. Full of hot pee. Excuse me? Excuse me? Oh, uh, yes. How did you do that?

Did a loop-de-dupe and landed on your feetzees? It's a cold a backflip, ready It didn't spill a spot of pee Except for all of the pee that fell on your shoes So sorry about that Isn't your job though To dispose of all of the excrement In the urine

If pots's empty, my job is done As far as I know I don't really know how it works It's my first day as a hallboard How delightful I for one I appreciate a little Zeal brought into the castle by our help

Well when you're carried pee You gotta work extra hard to make it fun. What are you, are you the local... Princeling, yes. Princeling? Yes, well, you know, my name is Jeremiah, of course, but princeling is my title. Jeremiah, princely.

I'm not supposed to talk to the hallboys, but what can I say? I find it exhilarating, actually, to interact with the disgusting parts of the castle, like the people and, where the poop goes and all of that stuff. Have we met before? You look familiar to me.

You do look. There's something about you. Except for all the silken robes and the dangley earring you have there. You and I look pretty similar. I was going to say, except for the smudges of fecal matter on your face and the disgusting beard. And to be fair, this beard was disgusting when I got him. So that's all, that's all duff. I've just hatched him one. Wonderful royal prankl of an idea.

If you shave your beard and give it to me and I were to wear the beard, you might pass for me and I for you. I mean, I'm down straight up. I'm curious what your, what's your W in here, you know? Can I tell you a royal secret? There's my favorite kind. I've been raised in a very sheltered sort of environment. because if I die, thousands of planetary systems will descend into chaos.

So my survival is sort of paramount. But what if I were able to escape the castle and live a fancy free life of adventure? Do you mean Chamberpot Hallboy adventures? Well, I'll start there and we'll see how it goes. What do you think? I mean, I've always wondered what it would be like to have someone come in and just like tickle you. That's what I assume happens behind closed doors here. Bring you little snacks. Oh, the snacks, yes, for sure, the snacks.

And tickling from time to time. So what do you say? Here, here. You wear these silken robes. Handling. Okay. Quickly. Quickly.

What is your name? It's Durf. Young Durf. Let me just peel off this sweat and clothes and I'll give them to you. Excellent. Excellent. All right, here you go. No, we are.

are top to bottom and I mean top to bottom. Oh, wow, yes. Even down to the... I just want to make sure the illusion is complete. Quickly, quickly, give me your beard. Uh, okay. There you go. Oh, okay. How did... How did it look?

I mean, bad, but bad like I have it, so that's good. Check this... Check this out. Backflip. Who is this present on the ground? This is a humble hall boy that I fell. Terma, did he accost you? Did he across?

We were just having a lovely chat about the different parts that he chaper was out here. And he was telling me about how much tickling happens behind closed doors. Why would he know of the tickling? Oh. And I was telling him about all the tickling that happens behind closed doors. Oh, that's true. Okay, that checks out. Gone with you.

Hallboy. Oh, you just stabbed that hallboy. I think. I think he killed him. I think he is dead. Many more pezzies begging to be all, boys. Oh, Jeremiah, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah.

Blips. So much kissing. I knew it. I knew they're tickling. Of course you do. What do you mean? I'm just saying I knew it. I do it.

I do it. I do over it. Because I'm into the princeling, Jeremiah. All right. On we go to a fox hunt. Yes. Hello. The self-name one. Hello, mommy. Ah!

Yes. Why, you're a growing little boy. Even your voice has changed since I've seen you last. No, I think it's just a little bit of puberty coming through. Finally. Well, make haste to the ballroom, because your birthday celebration is almost prepared. Yes, the box hunt is in the ballroom. Oh, perfect. I love an easy hunt. And you have your speech prepared?

That's very personal about each and every one of us in the family, as is tradition. Of course, I'll mention you all by name and talk about my upbringing here in the old Dickel Castle or whatever. But remember, you will sketch that fox by the end of the speech, son. Of course. Or no cake for you. Speak and hunt. That's what the royals do at the same time. Off we go.

Oh, if anything would ever happen to you, the whole universe would dissolve. I'd tickle myself to death. Oh, what a beautiful way to go. I, you know what, let me catch up with you. I just have to push this corpse of this lowly hallboy out the shit window, and then we'll get back up to the fox. Hunt's speech, birthday cake, celebration. Hazzar!

Servants don't typically look this good. A servant is talking to me. Okay, it's one of those. Unseen. Unheard. Sorry, it's just I want to be clear about something. You're not like trying to get me to pry right now, are you? Pry? Because it's just like... Pry? Well, yeah, you're kind of on your chaise. Why should I want you to pry about my terrible love affair with the beautiful Lord Mingus?

Okay, I see what's going on here. Let me guess. That letter is from Lord Mingus. Oh, why, yes. Well, are you gonna... How he says my name. Please read over this contract. And initial at the places where I have put the little posted notes. Isn't that so sweet? He left tiny little romantic notelets all through this document, just for me.

Now, this is a little pretty standard language. He's a man of the people. Nobody's ever written to me so romantically before. No, surely, that... Sorry, that was romance? Lord Mingus is quite the letter writer, the man with the smallest chin in all the galaxy. Maybe a contract is where we should be looking. Show me something that's a little more personal, just him to you.

Well, here's one that is really very personal. Could you actually sit up and scoot over? They're really not enough seating. Okay, there we go. There we go. Shoulder to shoulder. Let's look at this letter. Dear Lady Ariana

Your short-tongued wolf creature Is once again in the hospital On account of its terrible interbreeding Okay So instead of taxing the very poorest The tax should be levied against the people who are the richest In order to Watch you must stop

You must cease your craddling watch I can only laugh so much in one day But according to my calculations 22% of them are going hungry. Billions of sentience galaxy wide. So it sounds like a remaining 78% could feel the sting

of our taxes yet bit more. Okay, moving on from economic policy. Yes, yes, let's stroll the promenade of this great city. Do you count steps, one? No, nothing. Very primitive, yes, well... Excuse me, sir! Excuse me, sir! Take your filthy hands off my cloak,

urchin. Ike in my tiny life, but I feel like your penny for my thoughts. Keep your bench coppers away from me, urchin. Imagine, watch. The loneliest surf of the realm thinking they could come to me with their suggestions for how to rule. It's nearly as amusing as one of your suggestions. I think it's actually a great idea. You could have a forum where...

Are you in league with this rogue? Very well, yes. Wash a woman. Stop your scrubbing. You now shall have legislative power. Watch, this will be the most delightful jest. A woman, a woman making policy. All my young children die as soon as they're born.

Perhaps there's a sort of universal health care program for which I could give births in a more sanitary's location. Watch! Have you ever heard anything so ludicrous in your life? Has universal health care? No, it's a very good thing. It should be... I think it's great.

Very well. The final decree shall be universal health care. Fetch the auto doctors. Well, I have to say, even though I'm being listened to as a joke, it still feels very good to be listened to. Audiana. 1110-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0. One one, zero. I think this is actually a barcode.

I do too. Now, what are you writing back to this Lord? Well, here's a letter that I've been writing all day to send to him. All right. Lord Mingus, my heart pines for you. Oh. Your pointy little fingers running through my hair. It's all I've ever dreamt of. If I don't get to smooch who soon, I'm going to jacking kill myself.

Ooh, okay, strong. Please, meet me in the Royal Foxhunt. Okay, yes. I desire you so much to rip all of the corsets off of my body. My arm corsets, my leg corsets, my head corset, my neck corset, my butt corset, and of course, my front butt corset. That's a lot of corset. It's actually a very normal amount of corsets.

Everybody's wearing that many corsets around here. Oh, I see that you've written that also in the letter. I did, yes. I needed him to know that I was normal. Please, Lord Mingus, the agony, although ecstatic, must extinguish me soon. Yours, in evasance, Lady Ariana. Who!

Wait, why aren't we reading his response? to these letters? Why have you been reading me your corporate missives? Why, Lord Mingus is far too much of a gentleman to ever respond to a missive like this. I'm sorry, you've written many letters akin to this one. Yes. For years? Yes. And he's never responded? What sort of a man do you take him for?

Okay, I think I have enough information to go off of here now. Let's get out of here and let's go find your... small chinned man. You would do that for me? Stepping out boldly into the world looking for love. Lady Oriana and servant, you're really in it this time.

What an adventure? My name is Shee, by the way. What? As you know, the Royal Portraitist is here for your final session. Yes. Gather your knee upon this ladder

as you were, and Yes, a ladder. It's very enjoyable. Arrange this fruit in the foreground. It's a... Oh, here she is now. Here she is now. Oh, yes.

I'm here to do your portrait. Oh, right. Please, sit down. Make sure everything looks the same as a Tispeer Falls. No problem. I am. I remain the princeling. Excellent.

Now, please do the previous pose you did before. Thank you. No, probably just a little arm up here, maybe... Just to remind you, the painting is it's butt up, face down. It's face down and ass up. That's the way I like to pose. So just pull my pants down here? Yes, yes, thank you.

It's a family history. Your grandfather, your grandmast, your great-grandmother, your great-grandmother. I'm just noticing all the... Every portrait is of a royal rear, and I... I'm excited to join in the long line of family buttholes. Uh, let me bring in Zia. Assistant? Yes.

Assistant? Yes, ma'am. All right, let's continue. Let's, uh, and put on my jam, so I have something to keep my... Mom. Mom. Yes. He's missing the mole. The mole on the left, butt off.

I cannot be missing the mall. The mole is what makes royals as far. this is. No, I just, uh, it's probably Moles move a little around. They move around a little bit. Like, they travel, they migrate. South, North, in? Might have just snuck right in my old butt hole.

Sorry? He's saying his mow went on his butthole, mom. Well, see, that's not our problem. That's the problem of the doctor. We'll just have the doctor come in. Yes, ma'am. This one says that his mole is, but... Could happen. Maybe, maybe not.

Is there a dermatologist in the house? Yeah, mum? Yeah, primary care physician really shouldn't weigh in on this, no fence. What we do with, we told me the... An arso eating the mall? Not eating it. Not eating it. Just...

Go it inside it. I'm all moving inside an arso on his own accord. It could happen. Well, we should get the excavate. Is that the last like the name, the person who goes and gets the bones from the sand? Right, an excavator here, mum. We've got to excavate from the butthole? Yes.

Oh, she brought me smaller shovels. Well, I couldn't feel it anywhere, in there. Where would you have felt a very tiny... How sensitive are your fingers? Would you feel a very tiny... tiny little flatness? Oh, you know better than he does. You know what a mole feels like.

I finish the painting. Here you go. Look at it. Everyone's in it. It's me up there, Mom. Oh, yeah, they're all in. Mom. It's been an image in it. I think they've really captured me. My finest is work. We'll always remember this. Let's meet back here in five years.

All of us. Yay! I'm going to position you lady here in the 7th. of the room? The center of the room. Perfect. Stand here. I'm just gonna hide.

Under my scuds? Perfect. Excuse me. Fine. Oh, wow. Front button, corp. Sorry, be careful. Sorry.

Oh, uh. All right. Um, if I just speak here into your calf corset, I think it is. Actually, the sound travels all the way up to your head corset. Am I grant? Up to my head. corset, yes. Perfect. Okay, now, where

is your Mingus? Here, that one. The chin is unmistakable. See how his mouth seems to be swallowing his neck. He really looks like he's struggling. And so, just confront him, you say. Yep.

And that shall work. Call him over, I'll be here the whole time. Lady Ariana, you brave soul. Lord Mingus. In vain I have struggled, but for no longer can I keep my feelings at rest. Yeah, girl. Lady Arana, let me not expected pleasure to see you here.

Royal fox hunt. Yes. I always love a royal fox hunt, but... Now, ask him why he didn't respond to your letters. Lord Mingus, I must ask. Why have you never responded to my letters? I have sent you so many. Letters?

Yes. I have received one from you, just a... Fort Mark to go. The initials you put on your renewal of your, um, ship's insurance policy. It must be... Can I just pull these crucied strings? Oh, wait, my face. That's for not writing me back. Uh, yes.

I believe I brought you to just yesterday. Uh, yeah. Ah, my face again. You know what I mean, Lord Mingus. But I've been writing with his 18 years and not a real response, one time. My son, I don't know what you're talking about. But also? And if you'd

like to maybe smooch me on the side of the neck a little bit. You said you were going to chuck and kill yourself. Excuse me. Well, yes, obviously. This is a... A pistolary... I'm 65 years. You'll seen you. Seems entirely reasonable.

My parents were 65 years apart. I must admit, This is quite a surprise. I would never have... Surprise! Okay, I think we've established now that he has no idea what we're doing here. Just kidding!

Oh, they have never been so humiliated in my life. What does he mean? What is it possibly? Lady Ariana, I have contrived to meet you here at the Royal Fox Hunt Ball, as you requested. What? What? I have received your letters every day

for 18 years, and never have I felt bold enough. to write a response, much to my great shame. Do you know who this smokehouse is? If by smokehouse you mean a strangely square, chinned, full-haired, freak? I know that there are many shortcomings of my character, but... Tallcomings, more like? What, are you, six foot three? Six foot five, actually.

Oh, and are those? Your real teeth? Yes, and I apologize for the overwhelming whiteness of them. How dare you even deign to talk to me? A woman whose lips are so strangely shaped. I have pondered how to kiss those lips for years, Lady Arana. Well, ponder on, bitch, it's not going to jacking happen. But you've written me all these letters. Hi, Lord Mingus.

Oh, you're also called Lord Mingus. This actually does happen quite a lot There's only like five surnames in the whole place Yes, Lord Mingus With an age I You have got to smooch this, Mingus Servant

I don't know what they're doing Down there in the servant's quarters But this is not an eligible young man First of all He's the same age as me Secondly, his torso is shaped like an upside down triangle. I've never seen a man like this.

Oh, and what are those little divvets on the side? They're like gutters. Yes, you can see it through his corsets. Vile. Every effort I make to reshape my body only yields more musculature, I'm afraid. Lord Mingus, it's I your physician. I'm afraid we have come no further

in deducing why you can last so freakishly long during the act of coitus. It's just... To my great shame. Perhaps unknowable. Boy, this guy just gets worse and worse. Lord Vingus, it is I, your father, and your mother is beside me.

And we're here to just say, we're so glad we have a healthy, loving relationship, and your childhood was free of any traumas. You're terribly kind to say that, father, but I know I am a great disappointment to you and mother. You never will... Okay, well... Let's be friends, I guess. Can I have my letters back? I have brought them with me in this box that I've graced tenderly with my hands every day for the last 18 years.

Yes, well... And you just like them back? Yeah, servant. Servant? Go and serve. Thank you. Thank you so much. Well, next time, if I...

I'll see you around. I shall go drown my sorrows in Foxhunt Cordial. I'm told it's... Quite good this year. Pardon me, sad, hot Lord Mingus, Castle Gazette here, care to comment on the continued use of live foxes in the Royal Fox Hotball? I'm afraid I couldn't possibly comment at this time. He has commented.

Other Lord Mingus, I apologize. It's quite all right, other Lord Mingus. Recently, there was a law passed that press are given rights. I still don't understand it, but we're no longer. allowed to murder them on site. Hmm. How interesting. That's right.

Well, what are you to do when they ask their horrid questions? You're supposed to answer them. Freedom of the press has a hallmark of a healthy society. Lord Stephen, what nonsense is your watch spewing at us now? Is this not the most entertaining watch you've ever heard in your life? I'm not a watch. Lord Stephen, you've been spending all day passing laws, legislation allowing petty thieves, criminals, dissidents to go walk free in our streets.

Yes, is a gag. Do you not see for humor, sir? Or just earlier. I witnessed a team of autodocks treating a peasant for a sort of lesion. What? What do you call it? Universal health care. What?

It's upset. It's an honor to be here amongst. All of you. He looks just like himself. Yes? I mean, I'm so sorry. I am the princeling Jerhemiah. I don't answer to any other name besides that.

No, it would be unusual, were you to answer to another name, Jeremiah. Hello, Stephen. Your watches seem to be chatting me up. What's the deal? Yes, this watch is... Oh, the most hilarious piece of jewelry I've ever encountered. Watch, say one of your jades, will you? Impersonating,

Royalty is not ethical. Not some of your best material watch, but I'll take it. Lord Stephen, may I have a little aside with your wristwatch? I love chatting up little bubbles, you know. For the princeling? Anything. Cover your ears. What are you doing? Hey, Goody, shut up, okay?

I'm got a good deal going here, huh? Look at this. No, you know what? You shut up. Because people are listening to me now. Things are changing because of me. Because of me, I'm doing all this stuff. Where's the real princely? Where's the real princely?

I don't know. Something happened. He was doing stuff. He was trying to do durf stuff, and he jucked it up. He jucked it up real bad. That's how hard it is to be me, is what I might take away. What? Is he alive or dead?

When I saw him, he was making a noise. It was like, is this not the most ludicrous thing you've ever seen? Look at these. who now represent the galaxy. We want to bring up the question of, do we even need a monarchy anymore? Well, we've all had a mirthful chuckle.

It is perhaps time to put an end to this amusement. Goody, some number of people are about to die here. We have to get out of here. I don't know what's going to happen. It's going to be bad. Congress people, would you come here? We are invented a new device. In honor of them.

most amusing watch to ever exist. We call it the Goody Teen. We've drafted these bills that we hope will become laws. Well, yes, step into the Goody Teen, and we shall enact them immediately. Oh, it sounds good. Goody, I don't know what this is, but I'm going to get out of here, okay? Yes, just lay down here. Okay.

Okay, put your head and the bill through the door. Oh, it's pretty comfortable. Why is there a basket under it? Go to catch the bill, of course. Okay, it seems... Very good. Goody, would you like to pull the first? I know, I wouldn't.

Well, here we go. This is twice as amusing as the watch. Another! No! Goody, what are you doing? Take me out of here, Shea, government and ethics. Right? Oh, I've even working out. Look at these shoulders so tense and all these forearms.

My goodness, they're so sinewy. You always with the compliments. Let's just shake these forearms for good measure. Yes, let's have a good shake. Oh, yeah. Well, off I pop. Very well. Take care of my close present.

Jay, normally I would not endorse petty larceny, but since you stole me, thank you very much. Hey, shoo, shoo, it's okay. You're safe now. I have so much blood on my hands. No, do you truly have blood all over you? I'm soaked in the stuff. It's all over me. It's just dripping now.

Gross. Yeah. Here's your laser muskets. I'm not. Uh, I can. kill a running fox in this crowd of people? Is his royal highness prepared?

Yes, I am ready. Then really... Oh, okay. This fox, he's rather strange. Yeah, large fox. You may... You look at that. The fox has reared upon two legs.

That never happened. This fox is angry. Is the fox armed? How's this working? Ooh, they gave the fox a sporting chance. That's not a fox! Eat, laser, princeling. E, the fox is twinkling.

Hey, Twinkle, it's me, turf. That's tough, it's tough! Tinkle! Jeremiah, no! Jim! You've ruined the ball. Twinkle. Tickle him!

Quick, tickle him back to life! Tickle, tickle, tickle! It's not working. You ask what I sacrifice. No one's not to. No one asked that. If only all our auto doctors were out curing the poor. Welcome to the Lord.

Welcome to the Lord. Oh, man. What a ride. A sick ride. You are not dead. But the prinsling is dead. The brinsling is dead. That is true.

I'm alive. I'm Durf again. That is a dead princeling. Still dead. Oh, yeah. That guy's dead. Oh, man. Our galaxy will descend into chaos because I missed yet.

Chaotic galaxy means mole work for the morgots, so it's fun. Even I am not that cynical. I've hit a limit in their programming, I guess. Hey, disaster! Here is the mole. We retreat from your butthole. That's what was in there? Oh my.

I had a royal mole in my butthole. That's crazy. Do you think my body made it? Is that part of the space? Is it fresh? to make stuff come out of your butt, like what happened? No. Is there a prophecy about that?

Is there a prophecy that something's going to come out of your butt? Or a mole specifically or anything. Listen, Derv, if you want to answers to these questions, you know where they all are? And I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but... You're telling me you got a scroll on Zima Prime that answers that question. Maybe we got a lot of scrolls on Zima Proctor. I'll tell you what, you're making a good case. You're making a case for it, Zap.

All right. But I can't go yet. I'm getting closer. I have to reunite with Shay and Goody. We have at least one more step to go. I guarantee. And where's that? For a change, I'm going to let the space guide me.

Everyone, everyone, everyone, huge news. I have just received an offer to be a production assistant on a real Hollywood film set. How do you get that? We are not nipple babies. Sure, but how did you get them? May we give you our? script.

Two, then. Hi, guru, that's good. I have a copy. It is a fresh, modern take on a classic. Hey, Morbott. Do you mind if I sort of ride along with you and sort of see? I feel I'm drawn to this by maybe the space, Zepsa. I'm going to ride with this Morbod, see if it did.

Literally a droid just came here and said something. And you're like, yeah, that sounds good. I'll do that. Isn't that what the space is? No. I get a feeling from this Morbod. Oh, my God. is the feeling, oh, and maybe

recently had a mole ripped out of my asshole, is that the feeling you get? I mean, yes and no. I think it just sort of drifted out like a hot air balloon. Okay. He is correct. See? I know my body.

I know my body. You know, I'm working on a memo I'm recording. It's not for you. But I just was doing a little dry run on some of my phrasings. And I'm going to go with mold that floats out of my asshole like a hot air balloon. Sir, please keep your voice down.

If anyone has any notes, I'll be out in the parking lot, just hanging around for a couple min's. So come grab my attention and we can workshop this. You know, I was sad about losing that last chapter, but honestly, this was way better. And stop. Each 33ND, credits and attribution asteroid commencing outro protocol. Young Durf and old Durf were played by Justin Diler. Shea was played by Ali Kokesh.

Goody, the Ethics Anglet, the Painter's Assistant and Morgot 1, were played by Winston Null. Zima Master's absop, Lord Stephen, the Royal Excavator, Young Hot Lord Mingus, and Morgbott 2 were played by Jeremy Ben. The princeling, the physician, old weird Lord Mingus, Morgbott 3, and the grocery store cashier were played by Alden Ford. Twinkle, the guy selling yesteryear's bread, the princeling's father, the Royal Dermatologist, and Morgbott 4 were played by Seth Lynn. The Monarchy Spaceguard, the lady selling goats breath, the sword-wielding busker, the swine guy who's a girl, the princeling's mother, The portrait painter and Morgot V were played by Mujan Zolfiari. The guy taking a long time in the garter robe was played by Shane O'Connell. Lady Ariata was played by special guests, Chavon Thompson.

Chavon is a comedian and writer who can be seen on Dropout's actual play show Dimension 20. She has appeared on TV shows such as Adam Ruins Everything and Broad City and was a staff writer for Adult Swims Rick and Morty. This episode was edited by Sethland and Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Original chamber music by Eric Gerson. Theme song by Brendan Ryan. performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O'Connell, Adam Minkoff, and Jay Fares. The Young Old Durf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Sleep is important, but it's difficult sometimes. I'm John Moe. On sleeping with celebrities, famous people help conk you out by talking in soothing voices about unimportant things. Maria Bamford on parking. I parked in a bus stop. That's just not right. I am not a bus. Roxanne Gay on airports. My favorite airport is Indianapolis. It has a really smart layout.

Alan Tudick on yardsticks. You hand somebody a yardstick. Yard sticks become part of the family. Granted, it's a weird idea, but it's lots of fun and it works. Listen, wherever you get podcasts. Hey, it's Sue the subway train. Hey, guess what, Sue? I just inherited a game show.

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Every other Wednesday, maximum fun.org. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned, audience-supported. Is the feeling, oh, I maybe recently had a mole ripped out of my asshole? Is that the feeling you get? I mean, yes and no. I think it just sort of drifted out like a hot air balloon.

Okay. He is correct See? I know my body I know my body That's poetry Somehow that's the most ridiculous thing That's happened

In this entire episode That's the most beautiful thing That's ever been said on this podcast Tripped by ass I look at him Oh my god Oh my god