Mission To Zyxx - D04: The Role of a Lietime

Episode Date: March 11, 2026

We’re off to Holowood! Or HoloWEIRD as I like to call it! I find myself once again slingin’ grub to a bunch of ingrates, this time alongside an innocent young up-and-comer full of bad coffee and big dreams. Shae and GOOD_E find the perfect and most depressing place to lay low. Zap Zop gets discovered! And you’ll never guess who kicks my bucket this time. Never meet your heroes! Created by: Jeremy Bent Alden Ford Allie Kokesh Seth Lind Winston Noel Shane O’Connell Justin Tyler Moujan Zolfaghari Edited by Seth Lind and Alden Ford  Sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Original transition music by Brendan Ryan Theme song composed by Brendan Ryan, performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O’Connell, Adam Minkoff and Jay Faires The Young Old Derf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network and made possible by support from the members of Maximum Fun and a season long sponsorship by Rocket Money. Lovingly researched and sound-described transcripts are embedded in every episode page on missiontozyxx.space!  Lovingly researched and sound-described transcripts are embedded in every episode page on missiontozyxx.space!

Are you looking for fun? Come on, everyone. There's be much longer. Not longer at all. You see these doctors, they always make you wait outside, and then you gotta wait again in the room. Fortunately, I have my recorder. I can take good use of the time, but, you know, your skin is important.

Words from Durf. Get your skin checked. Because here's the thing, you remember that mold that floated out of my butt hole, like a hot air balloon? That is a red, flag. That is, they're not supposed to do that. So, you know, I am functionally immortal, but I still have to get the old, uh, up and down checked out. You know what I mean? And so I'm here at the dermatologist.

Anyway, where was I? So we had just escaped Chudnelsston. I mean, well, I didn't. I was murdered as huge. But, um, you know, and I'll tell you what, folks, you know what really roasts my raspberries? When people don't understand history. I was reading a history book the other day. You know, just flip it through because I'm, you know, a part of the literati. And they gave Twinkle credit for killing the princeling, which destabilized the monarchy, and would eventually lead domino fall after domino fall to the end of the monarchy. When Twinkle didn't do that at all, Twinkle just killed me. He killed me.

Duff! The actual destabilization happened with the fateful bedpan emptying, and that should be the title of the chapter in the history. book. It's not like I assassinated. The prince. He's self-assassassinated in a lot of ways, but that's what started at all. Durf, who do you have to talk to to change history? Is there an email, or how do you get to history? Mr. Dinkleson. Yes? Oh, you can keep the gown on, actually. You don't have... You can keep the gown on, actually. You don't have...

This is a gown? Oh, I thought it was like a cape. Yeah, well, okay. It's flowing. Windy in you. and my eyes are up here. You're really glancing at my moly hog. Where was I? Oh, Twinkle. Shea, goody, turf. Dwinkle. The mission at Junnelson was more impactful than we could have ever hoped.

You sowed such chaos. With the princeling out of the picture. The monarchy's diplomatic channels are fading. Their grip on the outer planets, flusening. I mean, I guess that's a good thing? Yes, which means Talbot might owe us. I'll try to get word to him, see if he can ease off the pressure on you. Okay, yes. Who is Talbot anyway? You guys keep talking about it.

He's a dangerous crime lord. He's a ripped farm. Until you hear for me, lay low. Talk to no one. What are you dings? Oh, DIRF has also snuck aboard two more sentience for our little trip. It is a pleasure to meet you. You are not dead. Yes, we have a high power, uh, Zima warrior. Yeah, hello.

And a morgbot with dreams. And a pilot. Talk to no one, but damn. Avoid crowds. Avoid cameras. Stay far away from large lights. Oh, I can see the Hollywood sign. Oh, I jump, my bud.

Oh, yeah. Oh. That was great. Well, listen, Durf, I don't know what you hope to achieve. here on Hollywood, but you seem willing to follow anyone but me. So maybe at the time I follow you. Oh, man, I can't believe it worked. All right, Zapsups in.

We got ourselves a crew. We are rolling deep. Yeah, well. I've got a nose for the space, and the space is bringing us right here where we need to be. The world of cocktails and dreams. The space wants you here. Okay. Remind me how you two know each other?

I die, and then I see you. him and he's always like, come to my house, come to my house. It's not my house. It's an entire planet where the wisdom of generations is stored. He's sort of like my space dad in a lot of ways. Uh, this is that time. Oh, no. Is your papa? Papa. Yeah, that's it. No. That title will be reserved for me when I earn the privilege. Wait, I guessed correctly? Technically, yes. Hmm. Yeah. Don't see any signage. A meter, so this must be a perfect place to park. Right, everybody out of the ship.

I'm so honored that you chose to join me here in Hollywood. Everything wonderful is made here. Like garbage. This entire planet is one big studio. Is that how it works? Okay. Making comedies, dramas. Dramadies.

Cromas. Crommas or crime dramas. My processor is all a flutter. Set in your voice is scary. You don't mind being a little quiet. We're in the middle of filming a pretty big deal film right now. I'm so sorry. What?

No, this is your chance for it, bot. He's got a great script. Are you interested in reading a 44-minute pilot? I'm sure it's amazing and great, but I'm just so lonely. Hey, what's everyone standing around for? Come on, come on. Oh. We just got here, so we're not.

We actually working in Hollywood. Oh, we all just got here. Buddy, if you're going to be on this lot, you're going to work. Now you, with the wristwatch. Me? Oh, no, I'm just here to fade into the background. I don't want to pull any focus. Oh, a writer, huh?

All right. We need pages. Go over there. Oh. Yeah, get in the engine room. And that's where all the writers are, cranking out pages for the movie. No one will notice you, talk to you, or think about you in there.

Sure, sure. Now, get to work. This is Steve. The Jankles, he's the director of the lot. That's me. He gives out jobs to everybody. I give out jobs as the director of the lot. Check out.

Listen, we're sort of here on what kind of feels like a side quest, so we'll just get out of your way. Wardrobe cart coming through. Oh, geez, right the way. Front flip. Whoa. You think the backflip is where it ends? The backflip is where it begins, my friend. Wow.

You're perfect. Hey. Turn the cart around. Get him and get over here. Oh, yeah, go that way. That's how it happens, Zabab. Good luck. You're famous. All right, you.

Scruffy one. Scruffy guy. Yes? Head over to Crafty. What's Crafty? Is that where you go and you craft the story of the film? Or is it someone like a guy,

building a set out of like raw wooded and parts that the greatest actors may tread in front It's a table where we keep the food. Gone. Get out of here. Right up that ramp. Oh, it's inside of a ship. Go, get out of here.

All right, you. Welcome to the morning. Oh, no, I am so embarrassed. We are no longer in the morgue. Thank you for having me. Shut up. Shut up. Have you ever shoveled oars shit?

I am not familiar. We got 75 horses on this picture. You got to get over there and shovel that shit. Oh, it is a dream come true. Shut up. On this? Kind of hollow is this? Is this a big-time feature?

Is it space gangsters or anything? Hock to us? Unwrap the donuts. I'll unwrap them for you. I don't know, but just a couple sentient beings standing near each other. Just a table separating us. There's a table separating us for a reason. Are you stars or why are you being so mean?

I'm a guffin. Wow, cool Look, if we were the stars of this production And I'm saying this as if I were a friend You should know not to even make eye contact All right, I'll just look at the floor and hand you blazing hot liquids Speaking of, how long does the guy have to sit here with his mouth open until someone pours coffee in it? Oh, wow, wow, that's good

Oh, that's good. He drank that up quick. Oh, so the ship is also working crafty? I've never really worked inside of a co-worker before, but okay. I'm on my first day of work. What's your name, ship? Oh, me? Well, my name is the Bacherian Jade, but you can call me Baji.

The name sounds fake, but that's cool. Did you just get off a larger ship that pulled into Hollywood? Sure did. From a little small town called Ohio Stan. Ohio Stan. Really? Yeah. Isn't it grand?

Isn't it great? Yes. Why, I don't. Bushie I am. Bushy. So excited. I'm Durf. Pleasure to get crafty with you.

That's just a simple little job, but I'm so excited to be here. I'm Banshee. Bushi, I'm tail. Positive? I know. You're excited. I feel the same way. I'm so excited to be here.

I had stories. I don't know if this is true that sometimes. Some scandals can. can happen in Hollywood, but not for me. I'm only here for positivity and for, and for sparks, and for can, glittery, joy, stuff. Yeah, we all got big dreams here. I'd be here to track down my murderer, maybe. Oh, I've seen a murder happen in my life.

Really? No. I've been on the business end of a couple. You know, it's what you expect, and it's bad. Well, all I care about is making my friends laugh and, and looking up at the, the stars in the sky and say, one day, I'm going to be there too. Yeah, I love your positivity. You're such a dreamer. Did you grow up in a sort of a sheltered shipyard of some sort? Something like that. I used to be an elevator.

You used to be an elevator. What happened? Well, I got older, that is. Like puberty for a ship? You start as an elevator. Well, what are your dreams? What do you want to do? My dreams? I don't know. I feel like destiny keeps knocking on my door. because, you know, I love snacks and I love giving them to people in small doses, you know? Yeah.

So that's why I think Crafty's a great landing spot for me. Yeah. But, you know, I don't know. This other guy who's telling me to go to another planet and become like a Messiah, but it feels like a lot of homework. I know what you mean. I had a little dream in my head the other day

that said, hey, give up, Pagie. Don't do it. It's only going to ruin you and make you feel negative. and stress you out and you fall into drugs and hot alcohol and sexual deviance. Hard alcohol. Oof. But then I thought, no, I'm going to do what I'm going to love.

And that's going to be here working besides you and Crafty. Hey, who wants some gas? Who wants some gas? Yeah, put a little gas in the coffee. Let's mix it up. All right, here you go. Dumping gas. Let's get the entire cast and crew to rush Crafty.

Let's get an onslaught. We got eight minutes to get everyone sated. Eight minutes, quick. Eight minutes. Free pastries? No. And do you have any pastry-free gluten? No.

Just a sack of gluten. A lot of requests here. Hey, you and I ought to hang out together, buddy. More, between the two, I was thinking we can do anything. Yeah. I need you to chew my food and spit it in my mouth. Thank you, folks. We appreciate all of your dietary requests.

But, like all crafty tables, we'll ignore them completely, and serve you dusty nuts. You idiot. Everybody here looks nervous and sad. Okay, okay, okay, okay, but, but, but, but, what if, what if the florist and the architect are long-lost twins? Oh. That's a terrible idea. Okay, get it.

Please, please don't throw me out, no, please, please, please. Goodie, do you see what's happening here? Uh, I think they're... You have a bunch of sweaty, pale losers who don't believe in their own ideas. I have an idea. You, go! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I haven't got it threw out as just come back.

I just broke my leg. I'm fine, I'm fine, but I've got a new tape on the script. Yeah! You know, it doesn't seem right, Goody, but the vibe? I think I'm gonna thrive in here. But, Shay, I thought we were supposed to keep a low profile. Hey! Oh.

What do you do? talking about over there? Well, the watch was just about... The watch has a pitch. All right, let's hear it. Everybody just treats everybody nicely in the story, and nobody does anything wrong,

and so there's no conflict. Thought you had a pitch. What are the sticks? Does anybody other than me want to tell this guy why that's a bad idea? I don't think he's gotten to the idea. Oh, no, the idea is that there is no conflict,

that everyone gets along and everyone does the right thing. In the whole script? Yeah, the whole script. What is this? Your first day in a Hollywood? Great idea, genius. It is my first day. Someone needs to break that watchy's spirit.

Hold on a second. So you're suggesting that the florist just sells flowers? Yeah. It says here that you guys have her keeping a secret for the first act. So it turns out there's no murder at all. I hope not. There's just seeds of people buying flowers? Sounds pretty good to me.

This sounds like something my mother, my aunt, my sister, and my silly dad would like, and all my stupid neighbors, all of them would love this because nothing's happened. Oh, and my nephew would love it, and he's stupid. You want to write a movie that people go see to relax? Yeah, you're trying to get a bunch of people. Do you want everyone to go to it? Hey, hey, this guy wants to run a family. If not Goody's idea, to make a feature that has a mass appeal,

Who do you wish to appeal to? Yeah. We're trying to win Bobostas over here. Yeah. Wouldn't you all rather just sell out and make a bunch of crew? And do the right thing. Now that's a movie title. Do the right thing.

No, no, sell out and make a bunch of crude. What a title. And I swore I would make the monarchy pay for what they did to up. Contribute different things to the council, General Trink. military genius, of course, in an economics, and Jerry brings the lovable charming a child. Them or not. Monitor.

Wooden toys don't make me smart. Why did you throw it on the wall? Yes, you in the... Now, look at this. The perfect stunt double for Lecraine LaCross. The picture is saved. Uh... Huh?

Hello? Uh, I... It doesn't... Yeah, listen, if you're not into it, I don't have to be into it either. I got dragged here. Would you pardon us... one second, Mr. Whoever. He's much shorter than

Lecraine. Different kind of hair. 100%. Different gait. Yeah. Different number of ears. Yeah. La Crain has three years, but watch it when I throw this wrench at his legs. What the heck are you doing over there? Oh, goodness.

You're in the picture. I didn't even ask to be in the picture. What are you talking about? And that's why you're perfect. The Clain-A-Clauss has not even been in his own films for years. We can barely get him on the set. So, Lacrane lacrosse is suffering from exhaustion caused by alcohol. Yes. Yes.

By excessive amounts of alcohol. Yes. Okay. Listen, I've got some important business to attend to. So if you just... Yes, you do. Let me put the hat on. What is this hat?

What's going on here? Yep. Yeah, just well, okay. Oh, my rod. Honestly, the hat really does a lot of the work. We call it Lecraine La Hatt. Yes. Some hollow wood humor.

I don't know if I get it. It's me. Marlon Forfe. How about that? You get to smooch with Marlon Forfour. Not bad. Yeah, listen, I've sworn an oath, and I'm not supposed to... Well, you're on studio property, buddy, and if you don't do what we say, you could be executed.

That's the studio system. That's the studio system. Well, I'm going back to the tank because I'm half fish. Okay. Yes, you are. What kind of... Yes, you are, my darling. What kind of...

picture is that what? It's called the Sound of Water. And La Crayne of Water. The architect who's in love with the half-fish. Yeah, it's about a florist. And they're still working a lot of it out. But you know there's a half-fish person in it. Well, yeah. Does you get a script or something I can look at?

Well, we're still working on pages. These are what we've got so far. These are receipts from a soup restaurant. Now other side, other side. Oh, okay. So, and what are you on roll sound? Oh, sorry.

What's happening? We're rolling sound, people. Root-toning. Hey, don't. Don't take the, I need those robes, okay? So, and that's, be careful with that stick. All right, uh, it's, that's a wood saber. Sweet.

Let me get some cue counts up and action, whoever you are. Uh, uh, boy. It'd be nice to meet somebody, but I'm just too busy with my architecture job and my two adorable children. You sure you want me to say these lines? Like, aren't I the stunt double? And cut, perfect. All right, we're turning around. What, sorry, what, I, listen, I'm on a sacred mission here.

I'd love to just skiddle. Aren't we all? Fake Lecraine. Aren't we all? My name is Zapsop. Oh, you're a zaps up. I am pleased. It's a name like this. You could be a director. I'm not interested in the whole studio system.

Okay, I'm just... Somebody chain up a zaps up between these takes. He seems like a runner. Okay. No need to do that. Welcome to Hollywood, baby. Welcome. Where are my horses? Where are my...

...successfully put all of this shit back onto the horses. The chuck, we're getting the shit off the horses. Can you believe we've varied about robots taking our job? they can't even shovel shit the right direction. Please, I am so sorry. Go back there and take the shit off the oarses. Are you ready for my life? No, Marlon, we're not right.

Stay in the tank. Okay. Chop in this cheese, chopping up cheese, chopping up cheese, chopping up cheese making it smaller. Smaller cheese is better cheese. Feed small actors, actors are happy. Ha, this is fun. Hey, can I tell you so?

Something? Uh, yes, please. I, you know, even though we just meant, I feel like I can open up to you and be honest, you know? I, you know, I feel very close to you, despite the fact that we're different in almost every single way. Well, I've never told anyone this before, but I've always wanted to be an actor. What? And give up all of this serving food to people who hate you? I'm just kidding. Of course you'll be an actor. Easy. But how? You're right here. You just go out.

out there and lie. You just lie. Lie almost constantly. And that's how you become a star. Why? I thought it's about reading lies and being a character and having a certain point of view. You can't have lines without having lies. It's right in the beginning of the word.

So like, we're sort of acting right now. I'm acting like I know what I'm doing and I'm not just putting little different dyes in the same hummus to make it different colors. That's why there's a rainbow of dips here. Well, I don't think I could have a problem. be an accident. I mean, I wish I could, but I never... I... Of course you could. I've never lied before.

What? You've never lied before. It's easy to lie. You just say what you're thinking, and you don't care about the consequences. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, yes. Yeah. I'm Miss Floor's personal assistant. She has severe dietary issues. No problem.

I just want to make sure that this box is actually hers. I need you to tell me... Yep. It had her name on it a second ago. Okay, are you sure? Ride me with you. You're not messing with me? I would never mess with you. 100% guaranteed. Her food allergies are severe.

Her feet allergies? Food. She doesn't have feet. She has a tail. She's part of fish. No judgment. Go be. Okay. Go be whatever you want. And that's probably it. So good luck. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Is that a life?

Margie. That was all lies. What? None of that was true. I couldn't tell. Hey, Durf. Yes? Can you teach me how to lie?

Did you how to lie? Lye only if it told the truth. Like how much I love everyone I ever be. All right. If you want to learn to lie, let's take it from the top. So what's your name? And lie. No, no, no.

So what you want to do is lie. So I'm going to say, what's your name? Are you tell me something that's not your name? Ready? Hey, no, just wait, just give me a sec. I'll ask the question and you say the not truth. Don't say the truth. Say something, anything.

Could be anything that's just not true. Ready? Hey, what's your name? Not bargy. That's too close. You can't have the truth be right after the lie part. You have to just fully lie. No truth.

No truth at all. Ready? Ready? What's your name? Barcy. Darcy? Did you say Darcy? Or did you say Bargy?

but it's a little quieter. Because lying isn't just quietly saying the truth. You have to, you have to loudly just say something. Let's do another one. Let's do another one. Another one that's not your name? Yeah, another prompt. I mean, you haven't successfully lied about the first one,

but I appreciate you want to just try to go into it a different direction. Let's go. Okay. Let's see. Where are you from? Space. Ohio stand. Nope.

No, no. See, you started with a lie and then you... panicked and said not a lie. You just say the lie. Oh, you can say the truth in your head. That's actually helpful if you say the truth in your head and say the opposite in your mouth. Ready?

Okay. Where you're from? What? It's good. The steam coming out of your vents. That's good. And there's a lie cooking. Kitchen.

Huh? Kitchen. Kitchen? It's good. That's good. That's good. Now we gotta put the where the rubber meets the road. There's gonna be people coming up and you gotta lie to them, okay? You already nailed it when you said you're from kitchen. You said you're from kitchen. That's a lie. Could I just get a cup of coffee and definitely not a cup of gas? I have coffee. I am not a ship. My name is Dorff. Stay on target. You don't, there's one lie at a time. One at a time. Don't need to lie about everything, just one.

All right, sure, I'll just take a cup of coffee. All right, here we go. Thank you. That's the worst coffee I've ever tasted. Sorry, it's Zed coffee. Get out of here, go back to your job. Yeah, you're right. Hey, hey, I'm right.

The generator's on fire. Where's a fire extinguisher? I have one. I have the fire extinguisher on me, because I am very, I'm very, I haven't Here's the other thing, Barty. You don't need to get so creative.

Just say the first thing. You don't need it. It's not a story. It's just a lot. Oh, the fire's spreading to the scenery. Do you wish you'll like to have some of the fire extinguisher that I definitely have? Yes, absolutely. Okay, okay.

So in the next scene, to get revenge, the Flores tries to kill the architect by poisoning a batch of brownies, and the architect dies on the steps. Huffus Browns are after sitting fire to the floor. Okay. And goody, if you were to process that. They just tell each other plainly what they need from the other person and apologize if necessary and then move on.

And so we would actually cut the brownies, and they would just have, I think, a pleasant afternoon. Maybe the knife could snag on one of the brownies? No, no, no. See, that's too good. That's too good of a payoff. We want this to be lower stakes. Let me see if I'm understanding. Act one.

The florist, who is half fish, moves to the big city and opens up a flower shop across the street from the architect's office. Act two, they meet. The florist is single, the architect's single. Act three, the girl's a great baker. She makes brownies. They cut perfectly. No snags. End of story.

Is that right? Yep. It's just pleasant. It makes so much sense, because in my life, I don't want conflict. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. wanted in my art.

Yeah. Is there a song? Yeah, there could also be a song. I mean, there's no wrong ideas. There's just morally wrong ideas. No wrong ideas. Boss, I just put this through the focus group that we keep in the basement. And they seem to really like it.

You know, maybe the goal we've been working towards is perfectly balanced drama, Intense Character Studies Seventh Act Reversal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to make art. You want to make croon. Say it with me. You don't want to make art.

You don't want to make art. Everybody, stop the work. Stop the work. Marlon 4-4 is dead. Don't scrap everything. The script's out the window. We can't shoot it now. The lead actress is dead. What are we going to do?

Okay, okay. What if we replace the lead actress with a cuddly CGI character? Okay, now that's a step too far for Crum. I thought there were no bad ideas. No, there are no wrong ideas. There are bad ideas. Okay, yeah, okay. I think I get it, actually, yeah.

Oh, my goodness. The picture is ruined. We has nothing. How can we proceed? Oh, yes, we found this perfect replacement for my drunken star. But now, my beautiful half-fish is dead. Let's get you to crafty, sir. Let's get you to crafty.

It's over. I should have never stopped directing industrials. Excuse me? A sad man, would you like a sausage twist? Yes. surface was a truce in my mouth. Why not? Fresh out of the microwave.

All right, we're going to get down to the bottom of this. Miss Floor Floor is dead because she ate something from this crafty spot. And I'm here with the director, please, and we're going to get to the bottom of it. Believe you me, heads will roll. Hey, I'm sorry, we just make the food. We don't put it in their mouth. So, you know. No, yeah, we're just here to enjoy life.

And look at this beautiful Halloween. making experience. It is over. Everything is off. Wait a second. Yes. What is this angel voice I hear? That's me, Derv.

You're talking about Derv? Right here, me? No, Scragley Man, step aside. Okay. Back flip. I'm just gonna sing a song to myself. Baji's feeling happy. Baji's in the sky.

I am I crying. Wow. Bajee's feeling happy. She's never. It's so beautiful. The stars are shining for Barji. That's not... The ocean's feeling hot.

When Barji's feeling happy... Together, we are not. Lot, boss, are you feeling what I am feeling? I've never felt this before in my life. I've only felt anger and repulsion. Just moments ago, I was in the depths of my sadness, but now, gleaming this green ship is.

You are a star. Wait, wait. Tell me, Angel, what is your name? No, I'm no, Angel, I'm just a ship. My name is Baji. Sure for Bajerian Jay. I just work craft services as is all. Oh my goodness.

He's like looking at a baby before it is born. What? What a weird thing to say? Sort of came out wrong, but I think you know what they mean. Yeah, well, okay. Anyway, be that as a man. Kid, you're in the picture. Wait, what?

We're going to have to do a rewrite. It's no longer called the Sound of Water. What are we going to call it? Ships and Bloom, something like that. Perfect. Lorenzo, get your widest lens. Wait, wait, wait, I've never acted before. This is crazy.

Wait, so you've never, you've never actually acted before? Wait. Never once. Oh. Never mind. What? That the picture was ruined again. Archie, remember what we talked about.

Oh, that, uh, your best days are always behind you? No, no, nope, the other one. That for some reason all my dreams have me exploding at the end? That's weird, but not relevant. No. That water with cay and peppers is basically gasoline? That's true, but go with the other one. That you found an extra wart that was inside of your anal cavity?

That was a mole, and it floated out like a hot air balloon. But no. The basic lesson. Well, if I can lie here, the consequences are so huge. You might change the trajectory of my life. Margie, listen to me. Slap! You have to, now's your shot. I didn't do anything. It's so tiny.

When the people slap each other in movies, they're not trying to hurt them. They're friends. They're lovers. and they're just trying to say, wait a second, pay attention, it's a big moment. And in the big moments like this, you have to rise up, take the mantle its place before you, achieve your destiny, and lie like you've never lied before. That's what we all do.

Now get out there and lie again. Just one big lie. Not a lot of little ones, or not a truth quietly. Well, please, I guess we better go maybe try to find a hole fish to do it. I don't know. Yes, something. What? Huh?

My name. is Vacherian Jay and I'm an actor. Wait, but you just told us you weren't an actor. I've been acting since the day I was born in the streets of Kitchens. Whoa, you've acted in Kitchens? You're from Kitchens? Good Rod. That's one of the most famed acting troops in all of the galaxy.

Yeah. We didn't know you were from Kitchens. Oh, my goodness. Jim Jinnarar was, he founded Kitchens. Yeah. Do you know Ramon Fuente? That's my roommate. Wow!

Oh, my goodness. Sorry, whole fish we would have found. You're not... All right, kid, get in makeup. Good luck, Barty. We did something important here. Killed the bright spirit you had and left behind a dusty old professional.

Good luck. I'll never forget you, Durf. I'll always be grateful for you. And we'll definitely acknowledge your relationship in the future. Bounceby. All right, everyone, this is the big one.

This is the climactic scene. This is why we all came to Hollywood in the first place is for this moment. That's not why I came to Hollywood, but... Okay. All right. Ships in Bloom, Act 11.

Scene 27, take one. Action. What can I do to make it up to you? I know I'm just a humble space architect. Do you want the moment? Moon, Bargy. If you get me the moon,

I'll let you enter my hatch. Are those airlines? Yes, yes. Okay, just making sure. The riders have won the bus guys. Yeah, I just haven't seen the pages. No one has.

Okay. All right then. Initiating Space Lassow Protocol. Oh, you darling boy, get in here. in here. Bargy, you won't regret it. Oh, I love you so much. I love you. I love you too. Is that okay, please? We got it in one. We got it in one, rot, timet. This is a wrap, everyone. We did it. Wow, it's an amazing to see our... Yeah, yeah, yeah, words are beautiful, but royalties, now that's something I think sounds pretty good.

I just thought I'd bring down some hummus bites. We called hummus bites, anybody? What? For you that I... The shit is now back in the horses. Uh... Wait a second, you got the shit back in the horses? It wasn't a difficult job, but I managed it.

No one's ever done this. You know what? Let me see that script after all. It is packed with jokes. Not unlike an horse. Packed with shit. Okay, never mind. Oh, no, no.

No, no, I've seen enough. Baggy that I gave you? Don't ever bring them in a baggie again. Oh, okay, what do I put them in a little precious box? I don't know. It just came off. Anyway, mole number one looks pretty good. We're going to watch it. I did, right. I did number them for ease because I'm taking notes yet.

That I thank you for. Yeah. Mole number two, looking okay, but we're going to keep an eye on it. And if it's already off, body, what's the danger for me? Well, anything could happen. Mole number three, looking okay, but we're going to watch it. Yeah, but does a mole ever come back and, like, want revenge on me?

Like, it's getting back on my skin? Never before, but I wouldn't count them out. Got to keep an eye on them. I mean, gosh, number six, looking okay, got to keep an eye on it. Did dermatologists ever say, you know what? We're done, keep an eye on it. It's fine. Nope, turn around.

Oh, wow. We missed one, and this one we're going to keep an eye on. How many bowls are you watching it, time. Let me, I actually know this. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How we have to know this. Ah, it's classified. Hi, Steve.

Have you had any floaters anymore? The floaters out of the butt are the ones we're really worried about. Well, let me ask you about that, um, actually. Lone ballooners. Do I have a lot of molds inside my body? Because that one came out. Like, is there

a strategic reserve? You have no no more than average. Okay, cryptic. And rest assured, we're going to keep an eye on. Okay, great. Thank you. The only thing I have left to say is that since our last visit, I am now out of network. Ah, no! Oh!

Yep, yep. H-33 ND credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol. Young Durf and old Durf were played by Justin Tyler. Shea was played by Ali Kokesh. Goody, the ethics angliclet. Steve Bajankles, the director of the lot, and La Cray-Lacross were played by Winston Null. Zima Master's Apsop and the writer who breaks his leg were played by Jeremy. bent. Mortbot number three and the head writer were played by Alden Forth.

Please, the film director and Twinkle were played by Seth Lind. The one and only Bargerian Jade from Ohio Stan was played by Mujan Zulfagari, who also played the Tiny PA, Marlon 44, the Half Fish actress, and Monica Cassou, Queen of the Babes. This episode was edited by Seth Lind and Olden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell, Old Hollywood Transition Music by Brendan Ryan. Theme song also by Brendan Ryan, performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O'Connell, Adam Minkoff and Jay Fares.

The Young Old Dirt Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Hey, it's TV Chef Fantasy League. You know, the podcast where we watch cooking competition shows, and we treat them like fantasy sports. Right now, we're getting ready for Top Chef Carolinas. We spend all year covering these competitions, but now it's time for the main event. The apex predator of competitive cooking television shows.

Tune in, draft a team, and play along. With your host, Sierra Cato. Mike Gabelon. And if you wadiway. New episodes every week at maximum fun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Wonderful is a podcast where we talk about things we like. That's hard to sell in a promo like this. So we've enlisted the help of piano rock superstar Billy Joel to tell you about some of the topics we've covered.

Take it away, real Billy Joel. Teddy Rock's been on legs on, worst and shy of circle time, Sega, dreamcast, he's a salad tower of annoy. Keep me up eight time capsules, wanes, world, cheese, bulls, Wallace Stevens, stonking gone, fun size, almond, They didn't start the podcast Except that's not true They didn't 22 They didn't start the podcast No they actually did

That was a fact of them Listen to wonderful every Wednesday on Maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts Thanks real Billy Joel No problem Griffin Maximumfund.org Comedy and culture Artist owned audience supported

And then maybe like maybe the scene ends with like Lecrayne lacrosse like bursty to go, I'm fine, you know, like, roll camera. Roll, sound speed. Can he stumble in very drunk and that's what causes DERF to die? Like he runs into something and. Oh, he hits him with the, just like a Cadillac. Yes.

Or just a like a. A bunch of. I love that. Drives onto the set, runs over Durf and it's like, let's go. I have returned. Yeah.