Mission To Zyxx - D05: 50 First Deaths

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

Hold on to your zippers, space friends, because this is the installment you’ve been waiting for. That’s right, it's the part where the ol’ Derfster finally gets lucky! And then yes, gets quite unlucky, over and over again. But those are just details! Let’s focus on the smooching and canoodling! And wait, what’s this? Are Shae and GOOD_E partaking in the bacchanal!? If you want to find out, don’t touch that nipple-shaped dial. Created by: Jeremy Bent Alden Ford Allie Kokesh Seth Lind Winston Noel Shane O’Connell Justin Tyler Moujan Zolfaghari Edited by Seth Lind and Alden Ford  Sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Theme song composed by Brendan Ryan, performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O’Connell, Adam Minkoff and Jay Faires The Young Old Derf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Thanks to everyone who participated in this year's MaxFunDrive! Still want to get in on the action? Follow this link to quickly support this show (and get in on our limited-time keychain sale to benefit the Center for Constitutional Rights): https://maximumfun.org/joinzyxxSupport at higher levels/more shows: https://maximumfun.org/joinThanks so much!

Hell readers, it's the chapter you've all been waiting for, the sexy one. There's a time in every young Durf's life when his heart turns to jucking, around, a lot. And this is where it happens. Okay, well, let's get into it. I know you're all titillated, so, um, let's do it. You'll never guess where this story starts. Unless you get to the back of a refrigerated corpse trunk. When making an incision, we should use the other hand to help structures.

Let me guess Welcome to the morgue Hey, zaps up Hello? What happened today? Am I alone here? Is there anyone in this... Hey, what? Hello?

Sorry, I just woke up in here. It's very cold in here. Where are we... what's happening? I can't see your face. Did you turn around? Hello, hi. There she was. The most beautiful creature I'd ever laid by recently resurrected Aiza. They say there's no thing as love at first sight, and I agree, but there's like and Dervlikes.

Wait, you're dead. But now you're not dead anymore. How is that possible? Uh, I don't know why it happens, but uh... I'm DIRF. I die and do backflips. What's your name? I'm a Lassoon. Lassoon. Wow. Hold on. I need to pull over.

Because we're in my truck. Oh, your truck. Wow. You're driving corpses around? Yeah, it's a job. I take corpses over to the cemetery where we bury the bodies. You must be from here because you're dead here, but now alive here. Jokes. I love how Frank you are. No, I just I'm just visiting

Hollywood and, you know... How old are you? I'm young. How young? Give me numbers. 24? Okay, good. So young. That's good?

That's good. How old are you? Are you a young gravedigger? A gaffoon never reveals her age. Oh, Lassou, the Gaffoo. Yeah. Okay. Nice.

So you're driving me to like a cool Hollowwood cemetery or? Well, I don't know anymore. I mean, you're alive. No, I mean, if you want to bury me, like I'm fine. Oh, no. That's like your job. I don't want to mess up your day just because I'm not alive when I was dead. But I do this all the time.

I'm so crazy. That's crazy. I mean, I was going to spend the next couple hours. digging up the grave, putting you in the grave, doing things with the grave. But now I have all my whole afternoon free. I mean, we can do whatever we want. Hey, why are you in the bag if you're alive? Come up front.

Yeah, living people sit in front. Goodbye, corpses. I love being closer to you and you don't have to crane your neck around. Wait, I have a crazy idea. Hear me out. Please. Oh, this says so fun. Do you want to come to my home planet?

Yes. You have a whole planet? My home planet. Not whole. I know. I'm one of the many people who live there. I thought you were a princess or a queen. I don't know. I'm just a gaffoon. Just a gaffoon. I know you are. Lassoon. But it's the planet of Raya. Raya. It's technically a moon, but we call it a planet. Really?

It's happy and vibrant. Nice. But to get in, you need to know somebody and you need a referral. And guess what? I'm your referral. You would do that for me? Wow, that's great. Based on the fact that you just woke up alive, I trust you no matter what. Oh, and I trust you because you were going to do the right thing. bury me in an unmarked grave with no one knowing that I died or lived.

Hey, do you like mozik? It's what you call music. But in Raya, we call it mozic because most of us were DJs. Oh. in a planet of DJs who decides what spins. You're a funny. That was a legitimate question. For a second.

Of course, always. What is Durf up to? I'm a little... Seems like he doesn't even care about finding his murderer. Or the money. Oh, that money that I so desperately need to get

that jacked florn off my back. Good afternoon. This is goody. Tell me Kestebbe, you're never gonna believe it. We were just talking about you. You look good. I'm so sorry to hear that, um, but I'm glad the treatment was a success because you are still alive. And then I agree, I would be so disappointed in me too if I also hadn't paid me back all that crude.

And let me tell you, you don't have to look any further. It's gonna be in your accounts. Well, not right in any moment now, but any moment very near in the future, because I am going to pay you back. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I will meet you there in the next 24 hours. Here! Well, I'm on ship.

I couldn't even say where in space I currently end. A fop. Oh, you think of everything, though. That is why you always know where I. Can't wait to see you, guy. Good afternoon, good he's speaking. Nice, guys. Bye.

Everything's fine here. Why do you ask? I just met this girl. This person right here. Yeah, I just met her. Why? She, here she is. She was taking my corpse to an unmarked grave.

So far none of this is illegal or unethical, but it is weird. Sometimes that's how it happens. I will... I have to understand. Right now, we need to get somewhere very far away. Look, I just... I'm in... Lusoon has assured me that it's safe and chill and...

I'm sorry, Lassoon? Lassoon, yeah. What's your home planet, Lusoon? ...on Raya. And you could get all of us in? You'd vouch for all three of us? Yes, I can get you in. You need to know someone to get into Raya.

And of course, if you didn't know the right people, you... Oh, then you just can't get in. And then it's very pathetic. Let's go. Try and find me now, Talbot. Incredible. Hey, Durf, tell me five things about yourself. Do it now.

Okay. Uh, no problem. This is, honestly, it sounds easier until you're asked the question. But, um, okay, number one, back foot. Nope. Uh, number two. I am the subject of series of prophecies from an ancient order that this guy keeps harassing me about. Oh, quirky.

I was recently in prison, but for fun. My favorite food is eggs. Oh. And number five, I like you. Wow. Raya profile complete. Since we have a couple hours before I have to go back and put those bodies underground. Do you want to get a quick tour of Raya?

I would love to tour your moon. Lassoon, could you show me your Raya? Sure. And where should we start? Amazing. This is our tour guide. Tiffin. Hey there.

Oh, Tiffin. I'm looking for Raya. Proud to, so excited to show you the sights. Yeah, Tiffin, what is Raya? What is this place? I'm so glad you asked. Ryan is like a private membership-based moon for people all over the galaxy to connect and collaborate. It's also a state of mind.

It's also like a body space. It's also kind of a shared vibe amongst liked-bibed people. Huh. That was a bunch of gobbledygook. And everyone has a goal. And everyone is an entrepreneur in addition to being a DJ. Nice. I feel like most DJs are entrepreneurs in a way.

And DJing can induce a brave. state that make DJs feel like they're leading a happy life. Who wants a gummy? A gummy? What kind of gummy are we talking? This one's got Walloon. Walloomba's our national mineral. Ooh, a mineral gummy?

Yeah. Sign me up. It's like putting a pebble in your mouth. Watch how it is 100% of your daily dose of chilling. Nice. I was dead earlier, so I probably had my dose. I'll take one. All right.

Oh, and here's the mayor of Raya. What's up? Hey, thank you for having us on your planet. I love all this sheer clothing you're wearing. It's so transparent. Yeah. Networking and meeting people. Most people here are here to have consequence-free sexual relations.

I did notice there's people jucking all around us. Like, we're the only one's talking, and everyone else is jucking. Yeah, we do do that. It's about finding your tribe. Ah, the Juck tribe? Yeah, that's kind of the tribe I sort of imagine myself. Yeah, I guess you can call it a hookup planet, but I don't know. I'm here because I'm looking for something more serious, you know?

Like a real connection, like a relationship. Nice. In the distance you can see the club. Look, Der. I've been trying to get access to Raya. for years. I mean, and I've tried a lot of different things. So now that I'm here, I'm doing it solo.

And me, goody. Right. Mostly so. But best of luck to you. Moving along on the tour is a kiosk where you can pay extra to promote yourself. Hey, Derv? I know I was the one who pitched that we should go on a tour, But do you want to maybe come over physically to the place where I reside and have your body be there in the same place that my body is as well?

Oh, my rod. I think I'm seeing. I'm just reading betwixt the lines here. We can put on some mosaic and see what happens. Okay. It's never been this easy for young Durf. Oh, you just really, there's the rule and you like enforce the rule. I just think that's really cool.

Um, I'm goody. You're good? No, I'm... Hey, was that fun? Is this like a protocol thing? Shut for a minute. You have to laugh at a... Oh, Shay.

Shay, I think I have... I'm feeling attraction to this bouncer droid. Is this why my ankle is getting all warm and tingly? Yes, my circuits are... Uh... processing at an extra fast rate. Hi, I'm... Like I said, I'm good. What's your name?

Designation X-429. Identification scanning by. What a beautiful name. X-429. Say it's soft and it's almost like praying. I'll never stop saying X-4-29. So this is my place. Oh, wow.

Nice. The Lussoon room, huh? Yeah, I have four roommates, but this is specifically my room. Oh, nice. Oh, look, they're all here. That's cool. Everyone's so close. What's up? How do you?

Hello, wow. Chaddy. I'm Durf. I met Lassoon. I woke up in her refrigerator truck. My roommates are very protective of me. They always love to interrogate any of my, I don't know, dates. Yeah.

It's official guys where I'm on a date with your roommate. I'm going to naked beach volleyball. Very cool. All right. Three of my roommates are very protective of me. They like to interrogate. I'm going to bottom's only volleyball. Bottoms only.

Bottom zone. Nice. You're not, you don't want to do the nude with your buddy? Some say it's more sensual to leave things to the imagination. Let me ask you if I could pose a question. question to you Luzoon and I guess game starts soon. Okay, I'll rush through it.

I'll rush through it. I'm going to be late for a nude volleyball four bottoms only. No tops. No tops allowed. No tops allowed at the volleyball game. Four bombs? So is it not super sexual? You just saw the bottom thing. Entirely unsexual. That's why only

bottoms are allowed so it doesn't get freaky. Oh, see you later. I've gone there by accident so many times. Yeah. Let me ask. I got to get too forward. Are you at top? Yeah. So I can't be there for two reasons. Top at the bottom party. Yeah.

Excuse me, sorry. I have to go. I'm late for bottom volleyball only. That's where you hit your butt against the ball? No, no. We're all nude, but it's only the bottom half of the volleyball. Oh, that must be. How do you keep the air in it? It's very difficult. Oh. You're really? We got to hit the ball hard.

Okay, see you. Good news. You passed their interrogation. Did I? I'd feel like barely talk to them. They're obsessed with you. Really? Okay.

Are they usually this busy lawsuit? We all love hobbies here. That's great. It's all very volleyball focused. Yes. I guess that's a very fun, sort of a junk sport. Speaking of, want to go to a volleyball game? Yeah, yeah.

Let's go watch the volleyball. This is, I like getting it. into your life. You know, I've never really dated much. I'm sort of a junk virgin. And I guess a virgin is the shorter way of saying that. Wait, you said you were a junk virgin? Yes, that's correct.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm sorry, this is just a cultural thing we do here in Raya. I have to ring a bell. What to ring a bell? Everyone needs to know. Oh, I will say I'm also a volleyball virgin. Okay, we have to ring two bells then. Oh, man.

Great. So X-4-29 was saying, they would just say to me, like, ID and, like, scanning and, I don't know, it's just really cool. I know. I was there. Yeah. I heard it. But did you remember, like, when I was, like, I'm a droid, and it still asked for my, you know, my ID, and I was like, I'm a droid. Like, you?

Do you remember that? And then it scanned your ID. Do you remember that? Export-29 is, like, really funny. Okay. Are you broken? What is wrong? I think I'm finally working correctly for the first time ever.

How are you hiding here? Maybe we should go back out toward the doorway. Why don't we? What? No, we barely stepped into the club. Right, but I haven't even turned in my clothes yet. Yeah, I know, but, you know, our X-4-29 is, like, at the doorway. I think it'd just be fun.

I mean, like, it's just really funny. Didn't you think that X-4-29 was funny? No. Run. Damn, I'd show you all I do is. help you. So if you could just throw me one bone and go outside for two seconds. Um, yeah, fine. I could use this Cigilio anyway. Thank you. ID, Intern identification. Yeah, yeah, it's me again, though. So I'm already in, so I don't need to be scanned unless you want to scan me. That's crazy. Why,

but you probably, you probably get people wanting to scan you twice, like all the time. Insert identification Wow Okay awkward But I mean Isn't it just cool how it's like It has one rule And it doesn't have to do anything else

It's just do you have ID And then yes or no It's like love that It's just like simple And I think that's something Maybe you know Something that I feel that Maybe you know

I've always said that about myself That maybe you know I'm not simple enough But like I do feel like if, I don't know, maybe, if somebody like X-4-2-9 did I just like hung out more, I do feel like I could probably become more simple. I think we have something, I just, you know, I, share you, have been listening to me? What?

Yes, yeah. I get what you're saying. I'm, yes. I just, I think I was more interested in Raya when I wasn't on Raya. I think that X-429 or X, I just think that X-4-29 or X, I just think that X, is just like very X doesn't say much but I just feel like there's

that, you know, I think the right person could kind of unlock and sort of you know, I think there's probably a lot going on a lot of beautiful quiet thoughts and feelings that, you know, just haven't had a chance. I do think that somebody like that. Okay.

Smoke break is over. This is my favorite restaurant on Raya. It's nice so the chef cooks right here at the table. Uh-huh. tricks and stuff. There is nice.

And he has fire and he makes it all in front of you. This is so romantic. Nice. All right, folks. We're about to prepare the meal. Oh. Got my sharpest knives out here and my most flammable implements. Yes, and I ordered the rib on prime rib, but I'd like the rib and sharpened, please.

It's one of our most dangerous dishes. And I order at the bowl of the bowl of lunch. Lime water. That's right. An excellent choice. That sounds good. I'll have one of the lime waters as well. Oh, twinning.

Any allergies of any kind? I'm not allergic to anything except for being away from my darling Lassou. Oh, and I'm allergic to cumin. Okay. One more note. I have a terrible inner ear infection, so I might pass out or fall at any time. Okay. Let's begin.

keep that to yourself. This is... Oh, no. Oh. Oh. I severed his head. For one thing, I kept dying. Puppie, it's...

You know so much about me. Well, you know, I wanted to just do something that was cute non-stop. Oh. Folks, listen, this never happens. But the mother of these puppies, who we stole them from, To bring them to this puppy pin is back and very upset. If I were you on the run. He stole these puppies from a mother?

He just took them. On the count of three, let's show our tattoos to each other that we both got at the same time just a moment ago as a surprise for our relationship. This is a fun and time-consuming day. Let's do it. One, two, three. Oh, mine's so pussie. And puffy and full of poison.

I don't know. I think... Watch out for that shark. Goody, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't know that I should go back outside and have another cigarillo. They're bad for you. Please, Shay, just one more.

Hi, can you scan me, please? I'm trying to get into the club. Insert identification. And you're... Identification. Invalid. What the chalk? That's crazy.

Do it again. Well, see, but that's really cool because... Re-scanning. Identification. Invalid. What? Come on. I'm 24. I swear! I swear! Submit to organ scan.

What? Organ scan commencing. Contacting authorities. No, you don't have to do that. That's exactly what they should have done. That seems pretty sinister for lying back reach, don't you think? You either are or not old enough

to enter the club. It's there for everyone's safety. I want my life to be like that. That's simple. But instead, I have to deal with you, Shea, who's incredibly complicated and constantly going through moral grade zone. X, take me away. Fly this

droid as high as you can into the wild blue. Please keep your speaking voice to a minimum. Of course. Please respect our neighbors. All right, that's all well and good. but like, I think this is going to be the moment that Raya turns around for me, so let's... It's an act in paralysis protocol. Paralysis?

Paralysis. I've actually shot an electronic pulse throughout your entire nerve endings, rending you paralyzed. I just wanted to chuck in the club. Shea! I'm going to X right now. So, like, how many, you know, how many scans? Like, a night would you say that you do? venue capacity 375 Wow that's a lot of processing

Pretty cool I'm only highly get assigned to one Uh one at a time But there enough You know what I mean They're enough This is so funny X-429 My friend is so crazy right

Please don't block the entrance Oh I'm so sorry that was me Because I actually This is so crazy I have Um Like a paralysis protocol call. I'm only

supposed to use it for, you know, if I'm on a dictator or a war criminal in the middle of a war crime kind of thing, we're a lot alike, kind of but I think complimentary and... This must be DIRF.

Oh, yes, I'm DIRF. Hello, great to meet you. This is Bix. Dix? Yeah. Nice. Oh, you two just so you know, Chuzanne has this inner ear thing. It's probably nothing.

There's an epidemic of inner ear infections on this move. I'm Zhazan. Hello. We've known each other since collage. Yeah. Since collage? We all have Mozak theater degrees. Oh, wow. Shizan's just shaving the meat,

so that's why she's got that cleaver. So we're playing cards and having some shaved meats. Watch out for that shark. Is the name of the card game. Oh. Yeah, when you get four sharks, you press this button. Watch out for that shark. Sorry, I get, I'm a little jumpy.

I've been eaten by multiple sharks here. Whoa. Sand sharks, tree sharks, card sharks. Hope you guys aren't those. Just kidding. See, that's what I love about you. You have such a varied past. Isn't that amazing?

Yeah, you guys are like made for each other. I'm gonna deal you guys in. Hey, slow down, slow down. You're dealing the cards so fast. Oh, one of those cards just makes me it's going so fast. So just slow it down. It's just

great stuck in my neck. Ace of sharks. I'm just going to leave it there because if you pull it out, that's when you bleed. Oh, I'm so sorry. Foo. Oh, Bix. No, let me. I should, yeah. Let me pull it out.

No, Bix, don't. Don't pull it out. Bix, no. Oh, no! Oh, wow, he wasn't joking. Oh, hey, sorry. I gotta just run a little firmware update on you, X-Fortune 9. What?

Port open. What are you doing? Assert this. Firmware update. Loading. And I'm going to have to do a power cycle. You're going to be powered down for a little bit here, buddy. Power down.

What are you doing to do it? I'm goody. I'm ex-429's emergency contacts. So, like, what is? Yeah, okay. Going on. X-429 is probably going to power up soon. That's just a normal firmware update.

So just, yeah, keep chilling. Enjoy the club. Yeah. X-49. Can you hear me? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. X-429.

2.6.2.3.8. Insert identification. I'm right here. These insert identification for entry. It's me. It's good. It's insert identification. Doerf, Durf, are you getting down on one knee?

Lassoon, you've made me the happiest former bank robber and recently jailed man and other things I did. And I'd like to make this situation permanent. What do you say? Will you let me die here on an almost hourly basis with you? Nothing would make me happier. Oh, sorry to interrupt, sir, you're kneeling so close to the edge of that cliff. I'm in love. Let me just...

Oh, and I bumped you. Oh, gee. Oh, wow. Crazy. I'm actually also recently single. Ha-ha. Wow. Well, I can tell you why your tummy hurts, bro.

Yes. You got no gallbladder. What? What? Yeah. This is a triple X-ray. There should be a gallbladder, right y'all. And there's none?

There's none in there? No. If I can invoke. the doctor-patient relationship. I just resurrected, so like, everything should be ship-shaped. I just came out fresh as a slippery little baby. Wow. Good for you, but you've got that gnarly scar. You're down a gallbladder, so...

I guess I don't usually wake up with scars. I don't know what to tell you, bro. That's the deal. Oh, really? The whole point of a doctor is they do know what to tell me. Oh, well, I guess I do know what to tell you in that you're down a gallbladder. That's how they tell how old you are here, man. They tell by the gallbladder? Yeah.

Okay. Wait, what is that? How old are you? I'm 24. Oh, your nectar, dude. Four more years until you have to find a gallbladder. Sorry, I'm trying to write down your terms. Did you say I'm nectar?

Your nectar. That's good? It's very good. You've got four years to find a gallbladder, or else. I got to go. Peace! Ah, I should have known when he showed up on that skateboard. Wasn't going to get a full diagnosis from him.

Yeah, so I know. You know, you reinstalled the firmware and everything, and, you know, you're kind of moved on. You don't know who I am or anything, but, you know, I'm doing great. You know, I've, like, I printed just when we were going around the club, I printed, like, seven citations for things that Shea was doing that were unethical. So I'm doing great. I feel, I feel like I'm maybe the best I've ever been right now. So, I'm, yeah, I'm taking a little time for me. Please insert identification.

That is, that is so like you to do that after a hero, too. Okay, well, I think I got every, hey, Shay, I think I've got everything. I need to know. Oh, it's this protocol. Sorry, you should be able to breathe now. It's got a little guy on top doing a sick backflip. Right. We're actually, I know it says open, but we're actually totally closed right now because I'm just, I'm quick,

packing up, um, like, everything I own, and I'm gonna, I know, but you bakers are a chatty bunch, but is the cake here? What's the deal? I don't need the life story. Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's him back. Just grab it, grab anything. Um, I'm just gonna split, scoodoodle, skedaddle on out of here. Okay, just a couple questions. What's inside the cake? Under the frosting, sure. Under the frosting is cake. Ah, okay. Must I should answer my own question. Oh, funny, I'm gonna go out through the window, because that's cool. Quirky. I like that. That's fun. Yeah, I'm just gonna...

Oh, just turning. Sorry, what's the big rush? Oh, the bear's here! Oh, perfect. I was hoping you could maybe officiate the wedding. Yeah, man, maybe... What's up, dude? You got your luggage? Oh, yeah. Bro, you want to, um, do me a favor?

Can I just verify your age real quick? Oh, whoa. I just don't have it on me, and I'm gonna go maybe out this other window. Oh, yikes. Um... Please present. Got to scan the... that Gal B, bro. Okay.

Gal B. You know, I don't have a gall bladder. That's a crazy thing, right? Ages. 29. So I'm a chill guy, but I am going to run right now. Oh, my rod. Why are you killing?

He seems like a cool guy. Why are you killing him? It's time, dude. What? So what we do is we have a rule, and it's like, if you're 28, that's it, bro. You kill people who get older than 28? Is the bakery still open? I'd like a pumpernickel bagel with margarine.

What the? Oh, dude. You're not on my list, but like... Surely this man is older than 28. He's got wrinkles coming off every little part of him. Happy to. Age verification. 24 years.

Yep, not a day older. What? This is my wife. Vacation. 24 years. What, are they living? Are you guys living very hard? You're, like, you're still dressed like a young person, but you're gray.

You know, sometimes on Raya, we get, like, you ever heard of, like, an old soul? You know? Well, they have old skin. They've old everything. Oh, what? The shit of you sunscreen, dirt. What can we say, beach? Yeah, that's actually no joke, dude.

If you're gonna, if you are gonna go to the beach, you better be sure to like, you know, just loci-kn up. Watch out for sharks. Oh, yeah, also watch out for sharks. I can't get on board with your philosophy, mayor, but I gotta say you should be killing this couple right now. There's no way they're young. They're 24, dude.

Oh, wipper-snipper. I'm 24. You're 24, too? What? What a coincidence. Look, they've both got, look at these fresh scars they have on the middle of their abdomids. What a coincidence. Hey, Bert, you seen Lesune?

My gallbladder calmed out on me. Need a new one. Hey, hun, Bear, did you get the cake? Yes, almost. Hi, Lusud. What? Hi, this is, wow, all my favorite people. Hey, Oliver.

Yeah, it's Oliver. My gallbladder conked out. I need a new one. Sh, Oliver, here's that bag. Here is that bag of pasta that you wanted. Bag of pasta. Pasta. He asked you to bring him dry pasta? Wet pasta.

Yo, Oliver, can you chill for like two seconds? Because I just want to like scan you real quick. Oh, don't do that. I just told you McGa. 24. Hey, dude, you can't like hold the bag of pasta in front of the scanner. Okay, because it has to, like, scan you. This is, like, how the scanner works.

This bag of wet pasta is 24 years old. Well, better go check it out. Does this bakery have a bathroom and, I don't know, a real sharp knife and some antiseptic? You need to put down the bag, and then I'm going to scan you. Don't make me put down my bag of wet pasta. Oliver, just, like, lift up your shirt, dude. Oh, no. He barely left his shirt.

He's very much. Age verification. 91. Yeah. Okay. All right, dude. Just give me five minutes to put this bag of wet pasta somewhere. Nah, dude, that's just like not how it works.

But I thought that was how it works. Sorry, God. The student's been giving everybody these bags of wet pasta. What? What? That's crazy. Killing off some dude for something. Kill him. She's all. Just kill Duf and get his gallbladder.

Excuse me? Sorry, bro. Just is how it is. You're like 90, whatever the jack. Um, you just got to face the music. It was called music in my day. Music. You know what, Shay? Let's go into the club. Who? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to forget what you just did to me because we are going to this club. All right.

We're going to drink. And I don't care. I'm going to choose. Yuck a scanner tonight. I don't get what it is. Bark. If it scans, I slams. That's all right. Lasuna. Lusuna.

What's happening here? I have to be honest with you. The moment I saw you, I knew that you would be someone who is going to be very important to me in my life. Sorry, just real quick, that's when you saw my dead body, when you were taking me to a hole. It doesn't matter. It's just the moment I saw you. You, I knew you would be so important to me in my life. I felt the same way about you as soon did I still do.

All these times, all these dates we've been on, and I've been dying there, you've been taking the gallbladder out of my body and giving it to some very old person? No, because that's crazy. There's no proof. You know, it's all coming together. There's no way there are that many inner ear infections on this planet.

And you've been taking my organs this whole time. Fine, but you're giving life to people who... I don't care about those people, Assoon. I thought we had something here. We have something. How could I trust you? All you care about is that my insides, I've given you the best deaths of my life.

Over and over and over and over again. But that's all the dirf you're getting from here on now. Because I'm leaving. I'm leaving behind this planet because it's only brought me pain. You need you, DIRF. You need this one organ that does very little in our bodies. And I'll tell you what, from this day forward, I'll never be in love again. I'm gonna turn the entire universe into a pleasure place.

I'm gonna chuck everyone, no matter where I am, what I'm doing, no matter how high the stakes are. You've broken my heart for all of time, Lussud. Listen, Durf, everything that we went through, was real, okay? All the feelings were real. I just happened to also have been harvesting your organs and selling them off to elderly people so they can pretend they're 24 years old. It's a classic love story. We've all heard it before Lassoon, and I will not be partied to it any longer. So take your wet pasta and you get out of here with it. I don't want to see you again. I don't want to ride in your morgue truck. Our special morgue truck probably not. Or ride in that anymore.

And I don't want to do anything. I'll never play volleyball again, and I have come to love it. Any bottom, top, jucking at the volleyball court, I don't even want it. It's going to make me sick now. Buy the suit. You know what?

I'm getting out of here. I'm going to go walk into traffic and then wake up in a different morgue. Pick me up. This is over. You've taken too much for me, and I mean the insides, figuratively and emotionally,

and that physically the organs that you have to. from my body. It's a shark-shaped car. Watch out for that car. Let's see if Derve lives. Keep reading. The H-33 and D. Credits and attributions droid. Commencing outro protocol.

Young Durf and old Durf were played by Justin Tyler. The ethics anglet, beach volleyball, the Habachi chef, the skater doctor, and Oliver were played by Winston Knoll. The mayor of Raya, the roommate who plays bottom of the volleyball-only volleyball, and the guy who warns about shorts and things shaped like sharks were played by Jeremy Bint. X-429, the identification scanning bot, the roommate who plays volleyball for bottoms-only,

Suzanne and Bert were played by Alden Ford. Tiff and the tour guide, the roommate who plays bottoms-only volleyball, X, the droid IT guide, and the Baker were played by Setland. Lassoon, the Gaffoon, the guy getting carded, and Bert's wife were played by Mujan Zolfoogari. This episode was edited by Sethland and Alden Ford,

with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme song by Brendan Ryan, performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O'Connell, Adam Minkoff, and Jay Fairs. The Unold Durf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Thank you to all the Max Fund members who supported us during Max Fund Drive. You're helping us as we try to put more good into the world. And as part of putting more good into the world, we've opened our annual post-drive charity sale.

Max Fund members at $10 per month or more can purchase Max Fund Drive key chains featuring designs for shows across the network. And all members can buy our charity exclusive keychain starring Mikey, our little microphone buddy from this year's Max Fund. drive. This year, we've decided to send the proceeds of the charity sale to the Center for Constitutional Rights. They're dedicated to the creative use of law as a positive force for social change, tackling issues like human rights abuses, racial injustice, and sexual and gender-based violence. These folks are fighting to make things better. So to get your keychains and support the Center for Constitutional Rights, head to maximum fun.org slash charity sale. And if you're not yet a member, we can still get in on this. To support the show you're listening,

to and get access to bonus content and the charity sale. Just click the link in the show notes. The sale is live now and it ends on Friday, May 15th. That's maximum fun.org slash charity sale. And thanks again. Sleep is important, but it's difficult sometimes. I'm John Moe. On sleeping with celebrities, famous people help conk you out by talking in soothing voices about unimportant things. Maria Bamford on parking. I parked in a bus stop. That's just not right. I am not a bus.

Roxanne Gay on airports. My favorite airport is Indianapolis. It has a really smart layout. Alan Tudik on yardsticks. You hand somebody a yardstick. Yard sticks become part of the family. Granted, it's a weird idea, but it's lots of fun and it works. Listen wherever you get podcasts.

Maximumfun. Comedy and Culture. Artist-owned, audience-supported. Hey, hey, we're a bunch of sharks. We're a bunch of sharks, and we want to have a little word with you. We're tiny shark criminals. Yeah, hey, I've been one to have a word with you guys. What you got against me?

Yeah, you're street sharks? Yeah, we're street sharks. Jaws. Do you walk around or do you swim-jolent? I think you mean Jaxillant. Yes, sorry, sorry, my lawyers have told me, Jacksonal. Yeah, it's legally distinct.

Yeah, road sharks. We are the road sharks. Road sharks. Uh-huh. So do you guys... And you're not naked. Beat him! Why don't you care if I'm naked?

Get them. Get them. Get them. The first couple of these worked. Yeah, the first two at least. And the last couple. Let's not go too far.