Mission To Zyxx - Ex and the Pity

Episode Date: July 22, 2026

And just like that, the Legumes are back for another adventure. Wait oh cruck, we forgot about Larry and Samesies! They were down at the river, making asses of themselves in front of ripped fordsman Dan Siego. Here their heroic saga continues. And the cavers delve further yet into the dark heart of Telluria. Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/joinzyxxSupport at higher levels/more shows: https://maximumfun.org/joinThanks so much!

Hello and welcome back to Mission to D6, our ongoing D&D adventure with the Lagumi's. I'm your fearless, dungeon master, Alden Ford. Whatever your armor class or alignment, we have more adventures for you today. When we last left off, the bulk of our heroes were battling evil in the caves, where more dangers surely lurk ahead. But first, it's high time we check in on Larry and Samseys, who have just been on their own mission to cross the river manned by fordsman Dan Ciego, who of course is Bucket's X. When they arrived, they found several surprises.

First, the river had swelled so much that Dan was now manning a ferry, not a Ford, or rather Dan was stranded mid-river holding tight to the rope that brings the ferry across, yelling to be rescued. Larry had fallen off Samesy's shoulders into the river, repeatedly lost his footing. He took one more crack at fighting his way upstream, and he fell, hit his head on a rock, and was washed further downstream by the current. Oops. And go ahead and roll.

I guess you have a couple choices. You're in the middle of the river here, kind of getting swept down. You can either try to grab a rock as you pass by it and kind of cling. There's a few rocks kind of sticking up out of the water. Or you can try to swim back towards the shore. I'm going to say the, I guess both are. athletics checks. Let's call the rock a 12 and the shore a 13. Okay. I'm just going to try to grab a rock for now.

All right. DC12. Okay. Okay. Great. So there's a rock that's kind of jutting out. And fortunately, because you're in the deeper water, you're not trying to stand. You can kind of swim towards the rock and grab onto it. You grab onto this rock and clench. And, um, Lamber up onto the top, and for now you are out of harm's way on the top of the rock with the water rushing all around you. But now you're a good 50, 60 feet downstream. Sam'sis! I found an island! Ah, great.

Maybe I'll go save Dan? Yes, and then save me, if you can. Take the ferry down south. Come pick up your boy. Okay. Okay. Yeah, sure. And then man versus river.

River wins. All right. Okay. So what's your plan? I guess I'm going to go do this ferry. Try to save Dan. So the ferry is like the size of maybe, you know, maybe it's like 12 feet by like 20 feet. It's big enough for like a horse and some gear and a couple people.

Uh-huh. So you climb on and push off and immediately the, the four. of the water kind of catches it. But there's a rudder underneath helping guide you a little bit, and all you have to do is kind of pull to slowly make your way across the river. So it takes a little while pulling kind of hand over hand with the rope and they're kind of leading the ferry along. It's getting closer and closer to Dan, who is hanging on to the rope. And as you're getting closer, he sees you and a look of where the leaf washes over his face. And as you get to him, he grabs onto the side of the ferry and pulls himself up and attached to his leg is an enormous

predatory fish with the huge jaws clamped around his leg. He pulls himself up, draws a hand axe from his sheath and chops the fish in half, which lets out a disgusting gurgle and flops into the river. He climbers up onto the raft and stands up and you realize that Dan is, enormous. He's maybe like seven and a half feet tall. He's covered in a real manly kind of hair, no shirt, just absolutely jacked, really just an adonis of a man. His pants are ripped, he's dripping blood, but he laughs heartily and gives you a big hug and he says, I knew you could do it. I knew you could save me, my friend. I owe you my life. Oh, dad. Sam's-sees.

Sam'sies? Huh? Is that guy being an asshole or what? What's that prick like? I owe you my life, Bard. Please, please tell me. Tell me your name so I can carve it into the side of this canyon and say, this man, this bard, saved me.

Single-handedly. My name is Samcies. And you are just like, you could be the subject of a series of, you know, sogs. Wow. Look at you. I couldn't buy him. But a humble.

fordsman. Now, wait, where is your companion? Where, where is the halfling who was with you on your shoulders? I think he's, you see him, he's, he's down there, sitting on the rock, kind of by himself. Yes, I see him. Fear not, halfling, I shall save you. Uh-oh. Uh, you don't have to do that, Dan. What did he say? That's, uh, saves his. What do you say? He says, you tell him to come to my island. Dan looks with his keen piercing blue eyes and he says, I have a plan. He reels you back to the shore where you came from. Well, that was fast.

Yeah, it takes like 15 seconds. He pulls the hand axe from his belt again and says, if my calculations are correct, this will work perfectly, but we must act fast and we must not fail. Whatever you say, Dan. He takes the axe and he cuts the rope. in one easy swipe and the ferry is free. He takes the rope and before the current can sweep the ferry away, he ties a secure knot onto the railing of the ferry, and the ferry sweeps downstream in a slow arc right towards Larry's rock.

He says, grab the rudder, Bard. I shall grab the halfling. So go make a, let's say, DC. A 14 athletics check, Winston. I rolled an eight. All right. Dan laughs heartily and he says, Ha-ha, fear not, Bard,

because it is not so easy to be a ferryman or a fordsman, as the case may be. It's not as simple as it looks. I shall do both. So he grabs the rudder and grabs around your waist so you don't fall off. And he reaches around and steers the rudder towards the rudder. towards the rock and he says grab onto my wrist bard you shall you shall rescue your friend okay so he leans you out over the edge of the ferry as the current sweeps you by the rock and you deftly reach out and grab larry and bring him onto the raft and uh the raft continues downstream along the arc

towards the far side of the river the width of the river is like 150 feet wide and you's kind of sweep down so you're about 150 feet downstream of where the other side of the rope is anchored and the ferry kind of softly runs a ground on the other side. And Dan gives another hearty laugh and embraces both of you and says only the three of us could have pulled that off. We worked together, didn't we? Halfling, you were very brave. If I were only three and a half feet tall, I should never have taken the risk you had taken to save me. I owe you my life too. Not even going to offer me a drink from the fairy bar? Oh, yes, of course. Thank you for reminding me. We will return to the river later on in this episode, but now let us turn to the rest of our adventures,

exploring the evil caves. That's Bookett Dwayne, Quariel Giegli, and of course Squelch-Niqwist, the half-elf. If you recall, after having defeated various foes, including swarms and skeletons. They encountered a weird little shopkeeper who failed to sell them any of his wares, and they were presented with ever narrower passages down in this lower level. So, as you make your way through the caverns,

almost single file because of how narrow these passageways are. Up on your left, you can see this little cave, and it's almost like looking into a geode that's been broken open. It's like a six-foot-wide little cavern full of a bunch of glimmering gemstones. There's stuff coming off of the walls of different colors and shapes. There are all these angular, beautiful formations coming out. As Bookett passes and the drift globe's light passes into the cavern,

it's just really nice. For the first time since you've entered the caves, you see a little moment of beauty. So are you going to make your way further into the cave? Certainly. Okay. Squelch, you didn't need. any of these beautiful gems.

Oh, sorry, I'm drawing right now in my decks. This is pretty sweet. Geocave. I've only seen like three of these before. Oh, yes. I have relatives who go geocaving. Oh, nice. Those are the weirdest relatives. So as you

make your way further in, it's gotten very quiet. The cave splits into sort of three different paths here. You have a couple of options, well, three options, if we're being exact. You can go middle, left, or right. Two of these passageways are going to be single file to get through,

and the other one is open for a little while and then becomes single file down here. Okay, let's see. It's a iny, me, me, miney, son. If you see something, please yell, run. Okay. Oh, wow, cool. Doing nice. Quariel, you're taking that one.

Which one? You guys are splitting up? But we could also stay together, just counterpoint. Oh, but I remembered that rhyme so well. Oh, I mean, I liked it. I guess if things do happen, we should be there for each other. I guess that's how marriage works or something, I don't know. Says the person who has split up from her husband.

I say we split up. Do it, we're splitting up, we're doing it, we're doing it now. Okay. Wow. Great. All right, who's going where? I think I'll use the old tremor sense on this northern path. You're going to use your trimmer sense up there?

Yeah. Okay. Gigli, you put your hand up against this rock wall and your dwarven, keen dwarven rock senses. You can feel against the wall sort of a... There's some wrestling going on right now. They're wrestling. Squelch and Bucket are moving their tokens around on the VTT, and it's very distracting, but it's also sort of funny.

So with your hand up against the wall, Giegly, you can feel ahead of you on this northern path, sort of a steady kind of almost like a white noise, like a steady vibration. Okay, quit the grab ass, you guys. There's something happening up here. Can we communicate with each other still? Are we close enough to? Yeah, you're only like 10 or 15 feet away. Okay.

So I'm going to share that up here, it feels like there's some. kind of like maybe there's like a waterfall up this way that I'm feeling or some kind of rivulet. Cool. I'm just going to keep following, Gigi. Okay. What about the rest of you? Hmm.

Do we bother with the middle or do what are we doing? Yeah, the middle one is the one that no one has chosen yet. Remember a booket that you have the drift globe. So wherever you go is lit and everyone else unless they take any sort of action, they're kind of making their way through the dark. Okay. I use my light to reflect upon the middle path. Okay.

I'll go to this southern path. Okay. Great. I can cast light, so I do that now. Great. It's a cantrip that I have because I am a magic initiate cleric, and so I touch an object and it sheds light for an hour. All right.

That's it. Well, well, well. No. So you cast light. And of course, I cast it upon the ray of Rhodos. Of course. Oh, so your sword is glowing. Not the cod piece.

So, no, I've never done that. So the path goes down and kind of bends around a hairpin turn that you can't really see. But you can, your light does cast as far as where the path turns. Go ahead and roll a perception check to see what's down there. You got it. There we go. Okay. So as you peer down the path, the light that is.

is emitting from your sword catches a bunch of very fine glints. You can see there's kind of a fine gossamer thread. Several of them maybe 10 feet in front of you. And around the bend, it starts to get more and more dense around the corner as you go around there. Probably nothing to worry about. So Booket You shine the Drift Globe up. And it also hits a hairpin turn up here so you can't really see around it.

What? Can I'm just going to go forward? Oh, who just ran? Bucket, Bucket, Bucket, you squeeze through this narrow opening and things open up a little bit. And the path turns to sort of this clearing, maybe about 15 feet wide, turns from this rubble packed dirt to a sort of looser sand here. There's just kind of this circle of sand here. It's hard to tell if your footing would be steady or anything, but it sort of just looks like kind of a fine sand. Hmm, probably definitely not a trap.

Hmm. And in the spirit of Bucket, can I go up here and look at this watery zone? You don't have any light. So as soon as Bucket has left, you're basically in complete darkness, although you do have dark vision. Ooh. Because you're a dwarf. But if anybody else follows you, they may or may not be able to see anything.

So you walk up to where you are, and you can see you're on the shore of this kind of shallow, subterranean spring, and off to your right to the north, the water. the water in the spring flows around this bend and heads down a narrow passageway. It's all kind of slanting downwards. Yeah. It's another piranha river. You can kind of see, it's almost like a stream. You can see the bottom of it.

It's not deep enough that you really need to worry about it. Can I head further even? Sure, sure. Is anybody else doing anything? You're going to wait. I also have dark vision. Oh, great. Okay.

I'm a little worried that there's quite a bit of possible cave to the south-east. Content that you're skipping. Yeah, of content. So I think, if you don't mind, Quarillo, if you could just scooch over, I'm gonna just keep on going down. Okay.

I was already going that way. Well, do you have... Sorry, I got to get it. I mean, come on. Why don't you go to the... Okay, fine. Go ahead. Go right ahead. So, Squalj, as you push your way around the corner,

these fine gossamer threads that are illuminated shimmering by Quariel's sword. They get more dense and more dense, and you kind of have to part them to get through. And clearly, whatever made these is some large number of web-creating creatures. Oh, yeah, I've seen this before.

Yep. Are you going to use your sword or just try to wrestle your way through? Sword. Okay, great. So you pull out your leopard-hilt sword and hack your way through the webs and get down to this corner here. So you're clearing the path for Quirio,

which is very kind of you. And I'll let you take a 10 on that until you get up to this bend. And you can see there's kind of an opening here. And now I'm going to have you roll, even with your sword, a DC-13 athletics check, to get through the webs which are getting increasingly thick and sticky. Oops. 35. That can't be right.

Wow. They rolled two by accident, but they both passed. Yeah, they both passed. 16 and 19. Okay. So you slice through the rest of these webs. And as you get to the sort of opening where the cave opens up, you see what has created all of these webs.

In this clearing, which is about, you know, maybe 12 by 8 feet wide, it's a little bit of a pit. You can see a huge, maybe six foot long spider. On its back, its legs curled up, viscera surrounding it. And around it are maybe, six or eight, three or four foot spiders, which are also dead. They have obviously been killed. It's likely killed.

The walls and the floor and the ceiling of this little opening in the cavern are covered with these thick webs. This looks like sort of their nest of some kind, but they have all been killed. Damn. The path leads on a little bit through this very narrow, maybe like 12-inch wide crevice here. And through that, you can't really see what else. down there. It looks like maybe a dead end. Hey, K-ball, you want to come

take a look at this, man? You refer to me with the phrase cue ball? Yeah, yeah, I thought a fun nickname. We're on that level. I'm afraid I do not understand. Anyway, check this out. What do you think

killed this stuff? There's probably a huge monster at the end of this dead end. What do you think? Impossible. It is a slim opening. I am not sure I will fit. Body positivity.

See, sir. Do it! Do it! Meanwhile, let's see what Gigley is up to. Are you going to continue down this little stream? Yeah. I say, Dwayne, you can hold on to me if you want. Yep. Right behind you.

Okay. Huge hand on top of my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you guys make your way up this narrow creek that runs downwards. The water gets a little bit swifter. There's a series of little trickling waterfalls as you keep going up. Shealy, do you call it? it a creek or a crick?

You know, I always wanted to be a crick guy, but I never thought I could pull it off, so I do say creak, but I like crick, are you a crick or creak? I too am a creak guy. Yeah, it's tough. Well, Bucket and Squelch were wrestling, so clearly they're crick people, for sure. Clearly. So as you make your way further up, Gigley, this slope that you're on is getting steeper and steeper, so the water is getting louder as it's rushing downhill.

and the water is getting colder and also your dark vision is getting a little bit limited even though you can see in the dark you're seeing less and less in front of you. Ironic. What is your dark vision, by the way? 60 feet? Dark vision.

120 feet. Okay. Okay. No big deal. So it's now I would say that it's feeling like you're probably seeing half that distance. It's kind of feeling darker than it should be. As you make your way up, you see at the end of this creek the water disappears into a hole that is about five or six feet wide and the water falls down into it.

You can't hear it hitting the bottom. But if you look up, 20 or 30 feet above you, you see water coming through from above as well. And you realize it's probably coming from the pond that was one level above you. Hmm. We can't hear any of it landing. No, you can't hear it land and even... Hey, jumping in. Are you going to jump through?

No, no, no, no. That was a jest. Should we turn back, D-Man? I mean, we're already here. Doesn't hurt to go all the way to the end? I mean, I'll wash my undies, I guess, if we're in this fresh water. Yeah, why not? You could try any various method of seeing what's down there.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I could dark vision downward down the hole. 120 feet? Yeah, hold my feet. Hold my legs. Hold your feet and dip you down. Like I'm dipping a donut and took some coffee. Yeah. A jiggly donut?

You take my little horned helmet off so it doesn't fall down the hole. I'll wear it. Wow. Looks like a little thimble. All right. So you go and hang your head over this precipice here. Okay. And you have dark vision, which means you can see about 120 feet,

but because of whatever's happening in this cave, it's a little bit limited. But even with that, you can see it probably is 60 or 80 feet down. You're pretty sure you can see the water landing in a pool of some kind. It's not, you know, a spike trap or anything. It's just a matter of trying to figure out whether you could make the jump. Hmm. 60 or 80 feet.

Bucket, you want to continue? Yep, bookets all alone. No one's with bucket. Just bucket herself and she makes rash decisions when she's by herself. So she's just going along. So as you cross this little sandy clearing here in the cave, go ahead and roll a perception check, DC-15 perception check. Oh.

Yeah. Four. Book it alone makes rash decision. Woo! They're going crazy. Book it was a good witch while alive. So as you're crossing across this, you feel under your feet sort of roiling vibration. You can't tell what it is or what direction it's coming from or what it's going to do,

but you sense this movement under you. Let's try a DC-12 athletics check. Okay. Oh, okay. All right. So you sort of jump forward. and as you jump, a swarm of snakes erupts from the sand. No, no, you've avoided them.

So you've jumped out of the way. You see just sort of like a writhing mass of snakes coming out of this pit. But you have succeeded your athletics checks, so you've jumped clear. And now you're back into another narrow passageway. Guys of steel, they say, about bullet. Yep. Hopefully anyone else who follows you will be as lucky. So back to squelch and quarial.

All right, Kewball. I think... I do not care for this term. I think there's probably some pivotal content down here. I've heard that in this cave there's a little dead end. There's going to be some kind of giant monster. And if you defeat the monster, then you get a chance to see the golden illumine rat, which spawns every three days.

A's. Squelch, where do you get your information? That's a joke, right? So I think we should go ahead. It is not, but very well. All right, we're going towards the end of this little dark. You said it's only 12 inches? I don't even know if I got through that.

Yeah, it's a little bit of a taste. Big man. Well, we're in armor. All right, so Squelch can get through, but he kind of barely squeezes through and as you squeeze through squelch a stone cracks off of the sidewall of this cavern and lands sort of where you came through

so you're stuck in this little dead end here are you going to try to squeeze through two quarrel or are you going to stay there? I will do my best, yeah. Okay. I'll try. All right, I'm going to call this well, you'll have to move the stone

which is I'm going to say a DC-18 strength check. Okay, I'm not. Bad at that. Nope. Okay. All right. So you were unable to move this stone. You're stuck apart for now.

And as you're moving the stone, you hear this kind of rumbling and erupting from the ground directly under this spider is an enormous skeletal minotaur. Oh, yeah. This is it. This is what I'm talking about. And what will this Minotaur do to you or you to it? We shall see. But first, back to Larry and Savesy's aboard the ferry where Dan was about to pour some drinks. He says this is a very strong and magical mead that I brewed myself.

Here in Craven's Roost, we have a lot of free time. So I have perfected the art of mead brewing. And I believe you'll find this very helpful and delicious. So he pours you a glass of mead, hands it to you, and offers a toast. And he says, to the heroes who saved the fordsman, the humble fordsman of Craven's Roost. Thank you. And you drink. Or you don't have to.

I'll have some. That's great. Great. Wow. Really good, me. Yeah, so Larry, you feel the warmth filling up your body. the awful pain in the back of your head where you have clonked yourself, starts to fade, and you have regained, how many hit points did you lose?

Six. Okay, you've gained five of those six hit points back. So you feel basically perfect. Except a lot of water went into my butt hole when I was, when my pants fell down. Ah, yes. That ever happened to you, Dan? Well, when that enormous fish beast was latched onto my leg, there was water coming in everywhere. I definitely feel your pain on that one.

See, listen, what happened was that after the rains, you know, I'm a fordsman most of the year, but after the rains, of course, the river level rises, and I need to run the ferry across, but I was out last night with my good friend having a, you know, a little bit of a drink or two, and I wanted to wait out the rain. But, of course, I waited too long, and I came down here, and the water level had already risen. So I hastily set up the ferry, swam the rope across, tied it to the other side, and got caught on my way back by that enormous beast. Oh, how it filled me with joy to slay him. Wow. So you are a ferryman.

Well, I'm a ferryman when I'm not a fordsman. Double threat. What are you looking at me like that for? I just have a question for you. Yes, yes. Anything. This is purely for research for my barred friend, Sam'sies. Have you ever been in love, Dan?

Have I ever been in love? Yes. Oh, of course. Of course. I fall in love every day. I have obviously had my share of relationships over the years. But what about you? I'm happily married.

Really? Congratulations. Shall we drink to that? recently or is this a long time they're pretty recent pretty recent great great tell me all about her ironically you know a little bit on the rocks every now and again sure sort of right very apropos my bride she's a very beautiful strong willed sure that's what you want that's what you want you want you want you want you want an equal you want a person who who shares your lust for life yeah she had a

doesn't do that. She doesn't really make hard eye contact with me or hasn't yet. Certainly, you must advocate for yourself, Halfling. Your stature is not the measure of yourself. You must stand up tall in your heart. Stand up tall in your heart. Okay, that's going in the song. Title of song? Question. Let me tell you a story, Halfling. When I was a young man, I mean, younger than I am now. I am still young and very virile, very strong. I can see. virility is coming off you. I don't know if I'm drunk, but I'm very attracted. When I was a young man, I fell in love.

She was a princess. Believe it or not. Royalty. Real royalty, yes. And I fell very hard for her. But I learned after we started spending time together that she didn't respect who I was. Believe it or not, She asked me one time to sleep in the sink.

What? You believe that? What? Really? Ah. And so when she said that to me, I said, I shall always love you, but I must be myself. And I am a man who cannot sleep in a sink. Certainly not a sink of any normal size.

Maybe a giant sink, but at that point, then what are we even talking about? So I decided to strike out on my home, discover the countryside. Come out here to where the air is clean and the birds are singing and the river is flowing. and the river is flowing whether it's high or low and you can help someone every day to get to where they're going. So it was the sink that did it, huh? I mean, that was part of it.

She also, her accent kept changing, which I was like, what's the deal? Suspicious, yes. Can you relate? Yes, I mean, we've all dated someone whose accent changes who makes you sleep in increasingly smaller spaces. It's a classic love story.

See, I felt like maybe I was the only one who was... No. I love the constant changing and potential lying of a person who continually changes their accent. Yeah, but also it's like, what's really your deal, you know? So let me ask you, is there a space for, like, another guy to live here with you, Dan? A second fordsman?

Yeah, it's a couple. Or if you switch over to ferry business and I can handle the Ford stuff or... Actually, honestly, is there a ground version of a ford'sman? because I'm bad with water, as you may be noticed. It is so funny that you mentioned that. And if that position was open, boy, would I ask you to fill it. But, hawk, look, look who comes. You look upstream and through a path in the foliage on the shore comes another person,

a beautiful, beautiful woman, if you may say so, a radiant young woman coming through who you realize is the person who was on the other side of the, Sure, calling for help when you got down to the river. And Dan says, this is my cousin. Her name is Fran San Francisco. And we are kindred spirits. But Fran is the sort of brains behind the operation.

She's a physicist. She understands how water works. Physicist. And how fairies operate. She designed the fairy herself. And understands how the weather works. She always tells me when it's time to go down to the river and hook up the ferry. And we are an integral team that can never be separated.

Your cousins? That's right. By blood or? Is that a problem? No. It's cool. It's good. Yeah.

Yes. We grew up together and spent many, many days frolicking in our hometown, dreaming and planning for the day that we would adventure off into the wide world together. Hmm. Why are you looking at me that way? Why is it really? You guys seem like a couple. There's a chemistry here.

Yeah. Sorry, Fran. Certainly not. Certainly not. Okay. And Fran makes her way down to the shore. Nice to meet you, Fran. And she embraces both of you.

Thank you so much for saving Dan. Oh, if I ever lost him, I don't know what I would do. We always trust his strength, of course. But there are dangerous creatures in this water that can sneak up you at any time. Oh, yes. That's why you need a fordsman to help you fight up, not just the occasional bandits and, you know, the rising waters, but the creatures that lurk in the deep. Halfling, you're very lucky that you weren't swallowed up by one on your way downstream. I probably couldn't eat me whole, though, right? Yeah, absolutely. That's exactly what they would do,

as a matter of right. Could they eat Dan hole, do you think? Oh, they've tried. They've tried, says Dan. It's fun. Well, Larry, are you good? What, I mean? I don't know, really. Did you need to say anything to Dan? Are you fine?

Dan claps you on the back and says, I hope you wanted to cross the Ford today because you have. You are now on the long island between the two. And of course, now moving north is no problem because there is a bridge, just several kilometers off to the west, and you should be on your way,

and you have my thanks. And a debt that if you ever need paid, just reach out to me. I shall help you. I mean... Well, thank you, Dan. This was very... Dan, Fran.

Really nice. I'm definitely going to... Honestly, when I'm done with you, you're going to be a folk hero. I mean, your name will be... Dan, Dan, Dan, the Fairy Man. Dan, Dan, the Fairy Man. Well, Bard, you are inspired. Inspired.

I like how you did the Dan and then the second Dan. Yeah. Dan, Dan, the Fairy Man. I mean, it's sort of, it's a rhythm you can't teach. Honestly, same things. If they are living on Long Island, then those are definitely cousins who are getting it on. I can hear what you're saying. Was that?

Let's get out of here. We heard what you said. We heard what you were saying. That's not true. That's not true. We're actually just business partners and lifelong friends. Okay. Business and pleasure?

Good on you. No. Well, this is great. Thank you. I guess we'll be on our way then. I mean, I guess we can cross the river now, Larry. Well, it's going to take a journey, and it'll be perfect because I want to drink enough to forget how just hot that dude is, you know. Yeah.

And honestly, so is Fran. I could settle down. We're both super hot. Nestle right between Dan and Fran in the whatever little bed they're sleeping. I mean, they said they weren't, but you felt it too, right? There was something. It's definitely an energy. I don't know which.

Okay, sure. Maybe like, it's like a Wuthering Heights thing, maybe you never know. No. What? Wuthering Heights, it's a mountain where cousins cruck. Cousins cruck each other. Ah, yes, okay. I spent a guy, I lived there for two years. It was really the fresh blood in the minx, you know?

We said we were going to meet. We'll just keep going to the meeting point with the rest of the party. Yeah, let's take our time. I don't want to get into that evil cave thing. That's a thing with an adventure like this. You set out saying you're going to kick some guy's ass. And really, he saves your ass after he sees your ass. And he end up being vaguely turned on by him and his cousin.

What an adventure we're having. Great, great. That turned out better than I hoped. Okay, so back to the caves where Aquariel and Squelch have just encountered a skeletal minotaur. The minotaur rears back. Are there any single eyeballs on its head that I should be aiming for right now? Nothing glowing yet, although you're not in combat, so it's hard to tell. You're going to have to join to really see.

Quariel, you and the Minotaur Skeleton are really fighting right now. Wait, where did this thing come from when Squelch was a head? It left from the ground, you fool. Oh, that wasn't even my character. I'm just personally being called a fool, but... You'll never miss an opportunity to call someone. This is fun too because our voices are clearly carrying through all the points of the cave. Hello.

The acoustics in here. Great. So this minotaur rears up. It's a disgusting skeletal body terrifies you. So you realize that it's enormous razor sharp horns are probably what eviscerated these enormous spiders. Check straight. And the minotaur skeleton is going to go forward. for a melee attack roll.

He's going to gore you with his horns. Yoke. You face an agent of Rados, the sunlighter. No, no, squelch, you can't roll yet. You're not in combat. I just wanted to do what that button did. Okay, great. Quarreal, what's your armor class?

My armor class is 19. Oh. Because I have a lot of defensive. So the Minotaur takes a swipe at you with his enormous horns, and it glances off of your rad. but unmodified paladin shield. And now it is your turn, Quirio. Sometimes the basics are the best.

So, let me strike at him with the ray of Rodos. Okay. There we go. Okay. Oh, boy, wow. The Minotaur swings his head around to Goriu, misses exposing his many disgusting vertebrose his neck, you take a swipe and go ahead and roll for damage.

Nine. Pretty good. Also, I am a master of the longsword, so I have struck him with my longsword, which means I have sapped him, hard enough to jangle his many bones, so he has disadvantage on his next attack roll. Oh, nice. Okay. So the Minotaur lets out a blood-curdling croak out of his weird skeletal throat, and you have

not... Defies physics. All right. Squelch, you're not in combat, but it is your turn to make a move. Would you like to either wait and see what happens or try to get back through and join the fray? I want to try to get back through. Okay. So you're going to have to succeed on that athletics check to move the stone that has blocked your path. Is there any way where I can use my acrobatics, which are a plus four to my advantage? Yeah, there's a little opening above the stone.

I'm going to call that a DC-18 athletics check if you want to do that instead of try to lift the stone. I'm pretty good at a back-flip. I think I'm going to give you a shot. Back-flip. Are you a practitioner of the space? Oh, 16. So you try to do a back-flip and you knock into the rock.

No dice on this one. Okay. Careful squelch. So the Minotaur runs at you, Coriol, and lifts you up with it. its head and attempts to slam you to the ground. Do your worst, Minotaur. 18, you have a 19 armor class?

Yes. Wow. So it lifts you up. It's literally like, I'm like pinned against the ceiling. I'm like, gross. Exactly. Exactly. You've pinned to the ceiling, but your, uh, your chest plate is keeping you from getting

hurt. Yeah, I wedged my shield just enough to not be crushed. Yeah. Yeah, great. Cori, it's your turn. Okay. I strike again from above the ray of rotos. Great, great.

Oh, not this time. Oh, you just can't, you don't have enough movement. Your sword hits the ceiling of the cave. Squelch, would you like to try again, either athletics or acrobatics? You can attempt it one more time. I'm going to go for the acrobatics again. Okay. Here we go.

Another backflip. Backflip. Oh. No, I saw that 21. to be a 20, but it's at 6. So you try another backflip through the hole, but unfortunately you knock a couple more rocks off of the sidewall, making the hole

that you have to jump through even smaller. So now you're even more trapped back here. Oh, crap. Next is the Minotaur. Scroats! How long does the Minotaur have disadvantage? Just that one attack. Just that one attack. Didn't need it. So he's going to try to gore you again. He rolls

a... Oh, 14. Oh, Quariel, you are holding your own against this enormous creature. Not used to pray this difficult, eh? How's it going over there, cue ball? I am fine. Don't worry about me doing good. The acoustics in this corner are amazing.

Let me try something. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Oh. At least he's not playing that ocarina like before. All right, Coriel, your turn. All right, I shall strike again with the ray of rudels. No, I don't think so.

It appears to be some sort of stalemate. Squelch. You can either try a DC-20 acrobatics check or you can try a DC-18 athletics check to move the stone. Okay, well, I hate to do this, but I'm opening my backpack to see if there's anything that might be useful that I've collected. I do have a crowbar. I love it. Maybe I can use that. Okay, I'll give you advantage on that for the crowbar. You get two rolls, and if either of them is 18, you're good.

Okay. Oh, boy. Try another one. You've got advantage. All right, crowbar. I love you. Oh, 17. Almost. Back to the Minotar.

The Minotar is going to try to goar you one more time. You wish, Minotaur. Oh, this time it hits. Okay, well, my totting is... Hits for 13 damage. Wow. Oh, my God. It's horn finds a crack in your armor,

and goes right into your rib cage. It really, really hurts. Oh, if only I hit. sprung for the full armor. Slowly I'd upgraded it with that weird tree creature who offered me. Aquarial, it's your turn now. All right. 18?

18, you hit. All right. Boom, nine again. Oh, you take another mighty swipe at the Minotar, and this time you lop off one of the ends of its horns. It still seems very much alive, very much not damaged. It's attacks will now do less damage. Also, he is sapped again, so his next attack will be at disadvantage. Okay, great, great.

All right. Squelch, what's your plan? Yes, maybe a new plan, Squelch. I'm using the crowbar again. Athletics check. Going for 18? Ugh. So close.

You get to do it twice, right? No rush, Squelch. I am fine. Another one. It's impossible. Your crowbar is now damaged. No! You're paying for this!

Great. So the Minotauri attempts to slam you to the ground. Quirial... Yes. Well... It doesn't succeed. Next is Quirial. I may.

Oh, I wasted all my healing on... On squelch earlier. Sorry what? Uh, maybe what I will do. I am going to cast divine smite on my next attack. So if I hit him, I will do an additional 2D8 radiant damage. Okay. I cast it after I hit, basically.

So let me see if I hit first. Okay. Uh, 17? You do hit. Then we will cast divine smite. So let me roll the base damage. All right, only three, but here comes the radiance. Ooh.

Oh, 13. 13 damage is not nothing. The Minotaur is now angry. Oh, good. All right. I was worried things were too easy for him before. Squelch, it's your turn. Squelch, please.

It's getting dire in here. Can we all hear this? Could we choose to go to the noise each of these turns? Yes. Technically right now, you are underwater while this is happening. I look down a hole and now we're washing our underwear. Yeah, so it would take you probably three or four turns to get to where they are because you have like 30 feet of movement.

Not worth it. It's no. It's your turn, you lose. Great. All right, so it is your turn, Squalder. I would like to use my mage hand spell, which is a spectral floating hand that when I cast it,

I can manipulate an object, hopefully some boulders? Yeah, it's a spell description says up to 10 pounds. Okay, you can definitely move the stones around the big rock. Right. And below the stone actually is a number of rocks. The stone is sort of wedged in the middle of the path,

and there's probably, if you move those stones, there's probably a bigger opening than there was above the stone. Okay, I'm going to take the hint from, I'm going to move the most precarious and small-looking stone at the bottom of this pile that looks like quite a few of these boulders are resting upon. I gave you Mage-hand sidebar, by the way, because Link literally has Mage-Han basis. That's an excellent point. Yeah.

He does have Mage-Han. So you use Mage-Han to move these rocks out of the way, and now you have an Acrobatics DC-12 to get under the stone. You must squirm, squelch. Spoutch, you must swim. Oh, 20. Nice. Yes. You backflip under the stone, even though you could have now backflip over it. Very impressive.

Explain the backflip under. It's a slip flip. Tell me how that looks. You go. Slip flip. It's like a conga line. It's like a limbo, yeah, exactly. So Squelch, you are now in the fray with Quarillo.

and the Minotaur turns its empty eye sockets at you and gives a mighty croak. So Squelch, now it's your turn in combat. What would you like to do? I have my longbow out and I would like to aim a bomb arrow, which I hate to use. Do you have a bomb arrow in your inventory? I guess not. No, I just have regular arrow. I'm going to aim at the remaining horn here.

Okay. But I'm going to hold the bow back a long time. So your arm super tired. All right. It charges up. Oh, okay, great. All right, so go ahead and take a shot. He waits for a small ping to know and to release.

Exactly. There goes. Oh, nice. Oh, yes, you hit. Go ahead and roll for damage. Ding. Oh. Well, still four, you know.

Okay, sure. Four is not nothing. Four is not nothing. Great. Your arrow sticks into the Minotaur's horn. Does not knock it off, but is definitely a good shot. I mean, it was thrashing around. It's very, very impressive. So are both his horns now blunted? No, no, no. The arrow is sticking out of the horn.

Embarrassing. Embarrassing. Exactly. Skeletal Minotaur equivalent of toilet paper on your shoe. So the Minotaur turns its ire on you, squelch, an attempt to attack you. Your AC is 14. Oh, the Minotaur gores you. The Minotaur does six damage. Yeah, you have 28 hit points, Shane.

You're down to 22. Quariel, you are next. All right. I shall, well, let me attack first, because a lot of my attacks are very, like, if I hit, I can do this additional effect. I strike it to you and I hit. Oh, very nice.

Wow. And so you sort of see Quariel now bleeding from the ribs and getting angry and angry. He goes, Creature, you have pulled down the wrath of Roodos the sunlighter. So I'm going to cast searing smite on this creature. Is that a spell slot? It is. Divine smite I just had.

I think that's a paladin thing. Okay. But searing smite is, it's going to take an. extra D6 fire damage and it continues to take D6 fire damage every round until it makes a constitution save a successful one. So but let me do my damage first. That's slash for four. Searing smite for two. Oh, okay.

So and it continues to take fire damage? On its turn it will take another D6 and then it can try and save to not take it anymore. Uh huh. Wow, great. So the brittle dry bones of this minotaur skeleton. minotaur skeleton burst into flame. It's now more terrifying than before, but it doesn't seem very happy about it. It's definitely very upset that you've lit it on fire.

It's thrashing around trying to put the fire out, but now the fire has grown, it's starting to catch on the webs, which illuminates the entire cavern, and the desiccated corpses of these spiders start to catch fire. Corey was like, oh, right. Squelch, your turn. Okay, I had good luck with the bone arrow. I'm going to try to get that horn off while it's on fire. The flames in the cavern are so intense.

The smoke is beginning to fill this little opening. You can't find your aim and the arrow pings off of the wall of the cavern. No damage. The Minotaur looks at you. disadvantage because the cavern is full of smoke now it's gonna try to gore you again squelch and it misses quariel finish him I shall do my best oh did he roll the fire damage oh here I can roll it okay searing smite damage is four uh-huh and then he has a con 14 save to resist the fire con 14 okay nope

So he's still burning. He's still burning and he rears back and screams as the flames engulf him and he collapses to the floor of the cave. And his corpse quickly burns into a smoking pile of cinders. You have defeated this Minotar. Congratulations. That was awesome. He's always dead. You guys both get...

Wait, do you split experience? Yeah, typically. Okay. You both get 225 experience. Congratulations. Okay. And what an experience it was. And almost as a fading memory, the burning webs and embers of this battle go out almost immediately.

And the cave lightens and clears, the smoke leaves. And all that's left is what looks like a centuries old pile of bones and rubble. And back through the cave, under the rock, there's a little. little glow, as Squelch notices, a little Luma Rat back there in the empty cavern. Oh my gosh, I was about to set up my tent. I thought we had to camp out here for zero to three days. There it is. Can you believe it?

It was zero to three. Yes, Squelch, I may leave this battle to you as I am considerably wounded. It's not a battle. I just need to draw it. Oh, what? For my decks. Is the Lumerat like posing? on a little shes?

Yeah, it's eating a little spider leg. It's fine. Great job, guys. I sort of was worried about that. You and me both, sir. Yeah. But don't get too comfortable, because, as we know from Gingley and Dwayne peering down, there's another level to this cave, perhaps the most evil level.

We'll see. But now, back to our friends, same zies and Larry. So, you are on the Long Island between the two concrequent. current rivers. Fran and Dan head upstream, dragging the ferry. Mostly it's Dan with his huge arms, his huge hairy arms. But also, Fran is no slouch. You can see that Fran has really got some muscle. They're both pulling the ferry upstream against the current at an alarming rate back towards where the Ford was, and they're going to go try to hook the ferry back up. Are you going to move on? Are you going to help them? What's your plan?

So wait, the options are... Well, you're now across a raging river from where everybody else is. So you can head to some place and try to find a rendezvous point, or you can try to head back across the river, or you can help Dan and Fran set the ferry up again, or whatever you want to do. It's totally up to you. What do you want to do, Larry?

Ron? Yeah, I think we've got to get out of here. I can't be around this. So we'll find a rendezvous point. It can't be around this hairy. You want to find a bar, right? Yes. We'll find a tavern.

I can start working. I mean, it's perfect. You can drink yourself, you know. If I know book it, she probably hooked up with another local man. And so I want to kick that guy's ass. Okay? Somewhere more little. Let's find a tavern and maybe we can send a missive towards the caves.

I mean, how would we even do that? Yeah, like a, we tie a little note to a rat, push it in the cave. Maybe we can send a message or something What do you mean? Send a message What do you mean? You know, You want to echo?

You want to shout and hope it echoes? Just wait in front of the cave mouth. They're not going to come out of a different area, I don't think. What? Caves are crazy like that. You never know what you're going to get into. That's true. I'm telling you, you'd laugh, but tying a note to a rat or a couple of rats,

it's not the worst idea. What did we end up telling them that we were going to do? Go talk to Dan and then. Yeah, I said talk. I said talk, but I meant fight. Right. They all thought that. And we can say that you did if you want. Yeah, I think that's good. Maybe write a song about how I kicked that big guy's ass. Because here's the thing. We could tell them that he was ugly, but Booker will know because she used to date him.

Right. Maybe he got ugly. What if we say it's like the fordsman who got like... He turned ugly. He was cursed? Yeah. Like he let himself go, you know. Okay. Well, let's just keep going and we'll find them. The tale of the open sores. What? Yes, or scars. This isn't a brainstorm.

No? No, no, no, no. I'm going to, when we get to the tavern, I'll put the first thoughts down. Okay, you want to write a first pass and then send it my way? Sure. Yeah, well, I could pitch in some other ideas for, like, how he's ugly, like leeches or, you know. So you head west upriver for a couple kilometers, and you see a large, sort of suspension bridge, kind of suspended between the two rivers. It's about just wide enough

for two horses to maybe cross. It's big by bridge standards, but it's pretty narrow, suspended out across the river. And at the side of it on your end is a little guardhouse. And there's a little guy inside. It sort of looks like a goblin, but he's definitely like a halfling or something. He's just a weird looking guy. And as you approach the bridge, he slides open a little thing and says, who goes there? Oh, two travelers. Yep, two good guys.

Be you an enemy of the kingdom? Which kingdom? The fourth kingdom. The fourth kingdom, Glenarren. The kingdom you're in now. No, we're not an enemy of the kingdom. We're good. We're helpful citizens, heroes.

Have you any hand in deal? destabilizing the kingdom by, you know, destroying the castle or anything like that? No? He hasn't. He didn't. I wasn't. What about you, Pod? Uh, I have a plus four deception.

Why did you say that? What do you mean? I, I... Keep it a little closer to the vest, same zies. Uh, no, not at all. Oh, okay. Then you may pass. One silver, please.

Silver. What do you have? I only have... I have gold. Oh, this is embarrassing. Me too. I have change. I have a business man.

Okay. Yeah, we'll pay the way across. Very well. Thank you. Here's it one gold piece. Here's your change. Is it one silver for each of us? Yes, is that a problem?

Have you seen that this? This is a pinnacle of technology here. This is a suspended bridge. When was the last time you saw one of those? Never, because they push the boundaries of what is technologically possible in this world. I just wanted to know how much change I should be expecting. Well, obviously, since we are all familiar with how everything works, one gold is equal to ten silver pieces.

So you get nine silver back for one gold. Well, do you mind paint for me, Sam'sies? I've had sort of a tough day. Yeah, some pain for both of us. So I'll have eight back Sure Right? Great

You just told me Whatever you want to do One of us Yeah we just want you To break a gold for us I don't need to know your life story I need two silver pieces Right

There you go Here's a gold piece Give me eight back Yes I know I'm the one Here you go You're right on the edge You're right on the edge of

Be coming in any of the kingdom right now Here borderline saying This is pay what you will We're gonna get out of here man This river's stressing everyone Now it's too much They're two of them. That's the thing.

It's because they're two of them so close together. Both go in the same direction. Why are there two? Yeah, it's too much. That makes sense. One should be going the other way. It's just like, as soon as you get done with one river, you think you're done, and then there's another one. It's too much.

For the concurrent river. So as you cross this bridge, you see up ahead of you at the other side of the bridge a little village. It's bigger than Craven's Roost, and it's bustling. You see some shopkeepers, and you see there's some townsfolk. Some kids running around with a dog. It's really nice. And most importantly, you see what looks like a pretty solid little tavern there. What do you say, Larry? Should we just... Oh, heck yeah.

Yeah, let's post up there. I mean, I'm sure the road will probably lead here eventually. For the rest of the group? Yeah, who knows? There might be an exit from the cave in the tavern. Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Right. Because like Quariel's probably doing his whole thing right now. He's like, oh, Ray, says.

Fire, Rodos. Yeah, yeah, he's doing that. And book, it's like, I love Larry. I miss him. Sure. Great. You guys head into the tavern. There's a roaring fire.

There's bards singing. There's drinks being slung. And you guys tuck in. Well, I'm sure whatever they're dealing with is probably not as good as this. Now listen to the tale of how Sam's is. in Larry got drunk. Now that's the song I want to hear. Great job, guys.

That was really fun. Really good stuff. I love an open-ended adventure that goes a totally different way than I thought. What are you doing? Are you allowed to say? It's like showing your hand at poker? No, no, no. I mean, I will say this.

I always wanted their partner on the other side to be called Franc, Francisco. I was going to ask. That is exactly why we're friends. Did you just come up with that? Yeah. So good. What evil lies ahead for our Spolunkers.

What incredible drunkenness lies ahead for our forders and ferriers? We shall see on the next episode of Mission D6. Until then, may your dungeons be comfortable and your dragons chill? I don't know. Okay, thanks for listening. Bye. Hi, my name is Brea Grant and I host Reading Glasses and Reading Smut and I'm here with MaxFund member of the month, Nick Roy. Thank you so much. What episode would you recommend to a new listener who's just jumping in for the first time? Definitely the one where it's like, let's talk about reading lessons.

Because as someone who started listening, what, seven years in, even I was like, oh, that's why we say that. Oh my God, Mallory's going to love that you said that because she really was like, we got a We've got to tell people more about ourselves. I'm like, we just talk about ourselves every week. What would you say to other people who are considering supporting maximum fun shows? I would say if you want to keep listening to content that you enjoy and you want to support the creators, I don't know. I just won't get a Starbucks once a week and I give you guys 10 bucks a month.

Sounds good to me. I love that. And listen to Nick. Nick's a librarian. He knows what he's talking about. Support the shows you love, including this one. Check the show notes for a link or go to maximum fun.org slash join. Hi there. Sorry to interrupt your podcast listening time. I know you're doing the dishes right now. That's okay. I don't worry about it. You might not know me, but I'm Brenda, and I'm here to tell you about the podcast I host with my good friend Austin. It's called Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries and we cover all kinds of pop culture topics. Like, did you know that there was a real life replica of the Simpsons House in Las Vegas, Nevada? Or that Flint, Michigan was once home to an indoor amusement park themed around the automobile. If those things sound interesting, you should definitely check us out every Tuesday on maximum fun. Or wherever.

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