Mission To Zyxx - Mission to D-Syxx

Episode Date: November 24, 2025

In this, the final one-off episode before The Young Old Derf Chronicles, the crew fulfills a repeated request: to make a live role playing podcast. Yes, it's Mission to D-Syxx! The entire crew is here, playing a Dungeons and Dragons one shot adventure as their medieval characters from Zyxx Episode 419. Yep, the Legumies are back. Alden Ford is Dungeon Master. Justin Tyler joins as a special guest. It's a fun one! And a long one. Enjoy. The Young Old Derf Chronicles premieres next Wednesday, December 3rd!  Lovingly researched and sound-described transcripts are embedded in every episode page on missiontozyxx.space!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, Alden Ford here with the crew of Mission to Zix. Hello. Hi. Welcome to our final one-shot podcast in the lead-up to the Young Old Durf Chronicles. We've decided to do something a little bit different, which is to fulfill a request that we've actually gotten dozens of times over the years, and especially as we were soliciting pitches for these one-shots, we're going to do an actual play, one-shot podcast. and we thought what better way to do that than to do a D&D one shot with our characters from 419, the Lagumi's.

I will be DM today and the rest of the crew will be their Lagumi's characters and you may notice Justin Tyler is here who is not in 419 but he is going to be an extra special guest star. Does any, do any of you guys have any questions about how to play the game? I have only question.

as has become tradition on this show during these one shots we've decided to outsource the work to the people with the least experience doing it I'm DMing even though I have very very little experience with Dungeons and Dragons Jeremy has tons and playing since I was 10 years old yeah he was like would you like me to DM and I was like I'm good I'm good I got this much like last month with the Halloween episode why let someone who knows knows how to do it, do it. When you could do it, when you don't know what you're talking about. Halloween, very easy to know how to do, but just saying. Yeah. And yet. And yet. Well, we're very

excited about this one and I'm very nervous, but I'm excited. It's going to be fun. You're going to be great. It's going to be great fun. So just a quick recap in case it's been three years since you listen to 419. This takes place about 10,000 years before the events of Mission to Z. Zix, where our intrepid legumis have successfully defeated Rangus the Wizard in his bid to become the All Wheat, essentially. And they have now become a sort of roving band of adventures. Did somebody say band? Oh, boy.

Here we go. Cool. How did you slide into frame from the side? Winston is recording at Shane's apartment. today, which means that he has access to all of Shane's instruments. What a treat. We're always adding stuff in post, but can we actually take out a noise in post? All right.

Let's get started. Is everybody ready? Does everybody have their dice slash dice apps turned on and loaded it? Okay. Here goes nothing. Enjoy, please. Or don't. Enjoy, please.

Please clap. Please clap. Welcome to the first and probably only. episode of Mission 2D6, a Lagumi's dungeon adventure. That title... Hey, I don't need a please clap. That means a clap.

That was great. Very good title. That one was actually suggested by Santa Ria on Discord, and I could not beat it, so that had to be the one. Also, just a heads up, we have some fun names in here for NPCs and other people suggested on Instagram.

So if you hear a name you suggested, congratulations, your checks in the mail. Social media works. for you. For you. Thank you. For you. All right, here we go.

Mission to D-6, a Lagumi's dungeon adventure. Dawn breaks in the quiet hamlet of West Clamley. Rodos, in his infinite wisdom and glory, has blessed this day anew with the light of the sun, or whatever. As the morning sunlight pours into the windows of the three Fonz Inn, five adventurers rise from their beds. Quarreal, the valiant and devout paladin. Sam'sies, the prolific and romantic.

elfin bard. Gigli, the fearsome dwarven fighter of Clan Benefer, book it the mysterious witch of noble lineage. And Dwayne the Ork Johnson, an enormous warrior with the smallest brain and largest

bisepticus in the land. Your party, the Lagumis, have been traveling the countryside, exploring, taking bounties, and helping those in need. You spent the night at the three fawns on your way to Edisport to meet with a druid's apprentice named Punchy

Gibbons, who has promised you a hefty purse for finding a lost book of runes. As you pack your humble belongings and prepare to set out, you make a shocking discovery. Petra. Physical therapist and Bookett's roommate is nowhere to be found. Her bed, her bed is unmade. Her possession's untouched. There are no obvious signs of a struggle, but the window to her room is wide open, the morning breeze sending an unsettling chill into the room. Book it senses traces of magic

lingering on the windowsill Achoo! I'm allergic to it! Great, perfect. You rush downstairs to find... You are allergic to magic, and yet you practice it. It's a cruel fat, I is. You rush downstairs to find the innkeeper scrimp crimbly,

mournfully trudging back from his small farmhouse down the hill. He says, It says Goblin Raiders again Snatched up most of my garfons And a whole keg of me finest orange ale It'll have to be raw barley And pond water for brunch, I'm afraid

Although I do still have stuff for mimosas Did you lot hear anything in the night So you're saying you are out of orange jail Yeah, no orange jail But mimosas are on the table Sparkling wine and orange juice, yes, always I was sleeping all food and I And I heard nothing

Is this her accent and my mess? That's about right. That's about right. Too late. Commit, commit, commit. All right. Oh, wrong, she is this. All right.

Hold on. Didn't there used to be six of you? Drop dead, gorgeous young lady, if you don't mind my saying so. Road here on a cow. Ah. Oh, you're talking to me? To you, but about, Petra. Yeah, there used to be six of you checked in, right?

Yeah, there used to be six, but. But of this war mean one and there's only five. Accents are very thick. They're thickening right now. Hard to understand. I don't mean to pry. Sometimes when people from a particular region return to the region they are from their accent grows stronger. Sorry, no.

Oh, oh, oh, sorry, this is just me morning voice. I just got to stretch a little and it becomes a bit more legible. Legible. Scrimp, crimbly, are you suggesting these goblins? Taken Petra? Oh, no, she's missing. Seems they're getting bolder. They ain't never kidnapped no one before, although I wouldn't put it past them.

You're suggesting, goblins came in through a window and took her out? You're right, bug roblins are the smashing grab type. They couldn't have gotten through one of my windows without us all hearing it. perception who's smart does anyone have perception everyone has perception yeah but who has like high perception let me check i noticed jiggly has no charisma of any sort you all have character sheets with this information yeah so perception is a wisdom check wisdom i have negative one wisdom so ironically dwayne the orc johnson has high perception oh and gets a plus three to perception checks Not too smart.

So, very true. Would it make sense for Allie to roll a perception check and see if we notice anything in the... In the room. Petra's room or... Okay, sure. You're outside with Scrimp-Crimbly. Do you want to go back upstairs and look at the room? Maybe just Dwayne will go upstairs and look at the room.

Okay, yeah. No, 19. Is that with the plus three? No, now with the plus three, it's 22. Okay. Great. So you make me do addition on the spot like that. So that's a great. Sorry, Dwayne.

Sorry, Dwayne. So everybody sticks around and hangs out, shoots the shit with scrimp-crimbly, well, uh, well, Dwayne. So what's the deal with the mimosis? Is it like bottomless or do we have to pay for two? Like, what's the deal? It's all included in the right.

You're all good. Ooh. So, uh... I think all the men we don't have to listen to this part, right? Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't have told you. This is happening off screen.

Wait, you don't have any what? Zortec. Zortec. So, Dwayne the Ork Johnson lumbers upstairs and takes another look at the room with his excellent perception. And although his intelligence is very low, so he can't really understand what he's seeing, he does notice that not only is there magic, sort of a residue of magic in the room, but it's very clear that the window is not even really meant to be. opened anyway and it's it's wide open so it's almost as though the the window was magically

lifted up also you look around the room and don't see anything out of place besides the fact that whoever was in there just disappeared can i look under the bed uh sure you look under the bed and see uh petra's foldable physical therapy sports medicine massage table uh she would never go anywhere without that nope nope nope nope no a telling clue Yes, exactly. It's almost as though she just ceased to exist. There's no indication that she went willingly or unwillingly, yeah. Okay.

But I did grab something on my way back down the stair. Great. Props. Yay! Yay! I lumber back down the stairs. We're all drinking mimoses. Oh, okay.

Perhaps all of you are drinking mimosas, but... Oh, yeah, no, you guys are in Miedinan. You can't drink Mimosa. Roto's the Sunlighter forbids the Mimosa. Right, we're in Miedin'an, yeah. And I tell you what I managed to see. So, Srimp Crimbley's expression darkens, and he shakes his head. He says, I ain't never heard.

I'm goblins using magic. It's just as I feared. They was working with someone. He glances around nervously, and he lowers his voice, and he says, There are some folks that think they're nomads, but I think they've got to hide out nearby. They're planning something. I don't know what, but I can feel it. If they're nomads, what are they then?

You guys are with this guy. Sorry? What? But I'm saying they are not mad, so what are they? A nomad is a wanderer. Extinguish your pipe. Yes, you have taken far too much pipe weed, say this. I'm good, man.

It is far too early in the day to engage in such a... We should... Whatever, man. We should... So I guess we go find these... Where are these goblins at, man? Dimension 420, am I right? So, Srimp looks around, he says,

I ain't never seen them. I don't know where they are, but... They raid different these days. every fortnight they'll hit one of us here on the hill organized like they're following orders and they don't just steal food like they used to now they've taken coal from the blacksmith glass from the alchemist artifacts from the chapels and the shrines glass for goblins what do you suppose goblins need with all that and they're not mad so okay I'll tell you one thing someone's got to do something about these goblins and get to the bottom or whatever is there brewing. Yeah, someone does. I hope you find a group willing to do it. You best rescue that absolute smoke show, Petra.

Again, just an observation. I don't mean to objectify her. That fear's a little rude because I was a roommate and no one's ever said that about me. It's not. It's just hot picture of this and hot picture of that. I feel as though before today I've never heard the phrase hot Petra.

Boxing hot Petra this As you take a moment to figure out your first move Before you can make a decision You hear a sound behind you Like scrabbling footsteps on the cobble And it's a large shaved poodle With a halfling riding it What

Bucket recognizes him as Larry A halfling who went to uni with her and Petra Larry! Larry hops down off his poodle with a flourish Larry! Oh, let's do that. Let's do the handshake we always do. Yeah.

Ha! Ho! Hoop. Hli, lily, lily. Oh. I should remind you, Bucket, that you don't like Larry. As has been, as has been, as has been... Slapped his hand away at the end of that handshake.

Jock you, Larry. As has been established at the end of the legumies. It's crook, not juck. Crook you. Larry. You know what he did. In the middle of our shake! You really set him up.

Oh, man, I have such handshake blue balls. Well, what brings you here, Larry? Ah, Poodle needed a break. Too much riding the range. I don't think that's what we mean. We have heard much of you, Larry, but none of us have ever encountered you before. Yeah. Other than Book it, of course.

Yes. And we're going to mend some fences, book it. I mean, literally, part of my job is a roving fence mender. Well, this is kind of a terrible coincidence, but your other friend from uni, Petra, has vanished. Petra? Yeah. Perhaps you remember hot, buxom Petra?

Of course. The wood carvings I've made of Petra? Like, I covered my waltz, so I get it. This is crazy. I was coming to propose to her. She's gone? Wow. She is gone.

Disappeared. It's very mysterious. Really? We think there might be goblins. I don't know, Larry. It feels like that's something you might be responsible for. You think I kidnapped Petra? I wanted to kidnap her legally for my life.

You think he kidnapped her to propose to her and then has hidden her away? That sounds he. He's done that before? I won't lie. Has he? Yes, I have. Back at uni. He was a hazelberry he was

And you all know what hazelberries are No Sort of a cad You know Oh Yeah I didn't go to uni So A cadberry

Yeah it's a catberry egg I was sort of crock it around You know it's like to crook around a little bit Larry We do want to find Petra Right everyone She is our friend And we don't want to have her

Kidnapped by Godlins Or you know something like Yeah She was Tertiary at best to our adventures, but dear to our hearts. Does anyone have any sort of tracking skills?

Hmm, let me Is that a skill? Let me look. Rodos the Sunlighter has not seemed to gift me with such a skill. I have zero charisma. We know. Is that just a statement? What would

tracking, it's somebody who knows how to play. What would tracking? It's up to you guys. I think one of you may have some additional information. One of us. Not to make it... So, Larry, do you know anything about these goblins? You smell of

pipeweed. Man, what I do, what I do in the morning? Sort of a wakeus and bakus. I'm a musician, man. I could tell. I have noticed, now that you mention it, I have noticed some activity here.

As I'm out, mending fences on my way. There was a wagon that came through here. Normal so far. Yes. Being pulled by two bug bears. Less normal. Yes, starting to get weird.

It disappeared into the Bringlepur forest. I was out early doing, you know, morning stuff. I hear you. A wakeus and bacchus? A little wakus and bacus. Takes the edge off. Wakes, bakers, takis the edge off. just before daybreak

I noticed it at the edge of my perception I didn't want to get involved I'm just a lonely man and crumbles here my shaved poodle was getting a little tetchy from the pipeweed so I didn't do anything but Crumbles is my shaved poodle

I shaved the poodle to keep it a little more like badass it's more horse-like if that's what you're asking It looks cold It's just dragging its butt all around Yeah, that's Diet is bad

Crumbles diet Well, poodles are notoriously sensitive I mean a lot of My diet's bad really We share the same stuff And you're a fence mender, that's your job Yeah, I'm thief I should have led to the thief

But I'm both I won't rob you guys though Very well Okay So where did this The wagon went to the forest To the forest Do you remember where in the wood they entered?

Or perhaps Crumbles would smell it? Yes, Crumbles is a Bavare's like plus two nostrils for smelling. I think that's right. I think that's right from a biological standpoint. You're saying Crumbles has plus two nostrils over the standard number of nostrils? Yes, exactly. Yes, four nostrils. Four.

Maybe you can make it up to book it and to Petra by helping us find Petra. I throw my lot in with you. Hurrah! Our fellowship has grown! Welcome to our fellowship. This is like a family. We are not related, but we care about each other. I like how it doesn't rhyme.

It's an off rhyme. It's an off rhyme. It is? It's a slant rhyme. What is the slant rhyme? Yeah. Other and fern rhyme. Family?

Yes. Very close to rhyming. Other family. Slanted and enchanted. You may leave this rhyme on the pavement, I'm afraid. All right, so, Larry, you've got ten wisdom, but I do agree if your dog can help you track, I'm going to give you plus two to a perception check, or tracking check on that. Oh, hell yeah.

Shall I roll a D20? Yeah. All right. I got a one. Oh, no. But Larry is a halfling, and they are lucky, which means they re-roll ones. Oh, yes. Oh, wow.

Bear me. My man. Great. Here we go. Can't get worse than one. 11. Two ones. That's two ones.

We roll it twice. Wow, that's beautiful. So that's 11 plus 2 is 13. Great. You found the trail. Yay! Yay! Great job.

Well, I guess I should say, crumbles, crumbles is. Great work, Crumbles. Here's a treat. We found a lovely trail. I think we shall prevail. Is that enough rhyming for you? Love it. That was a rhyme.

That was fun. Arguably too much. A bard with a bad attitude. He's got revenge on his mind. Now it's just the way good bake has turned. I'm like mad now. Paranoia. You're not a nomad.

You're just a mad. You're a mad. Not a nomad. I'm now mad. He's a nowman. Excellent work. Guys. is now bad.

All right, so you follow the wagons track several long miles northeast into the Bringlepour forest. The canopy thickens splitting the sunlight into shimmering golden shafts and the evergreen needles on the ground give way to lush green moss which dampens your footsteps and leads an eerie silence to your journey. As you follow the tracks, you begin to notice other trails converging with yours. Wherever you're headed, it seems many paths lead here. The elevation changes and you find yourself climbing a gentle,

slope towards a clearing in the forest. You slow your pace as you approach and you see the wagon Larry glimpse this morning empty next to an ancient ruin of a small temple or chapel of some kind to your north, bathed in dappled sunlight. Now fully overtaken by vines and moss, much of its roof and walls have fully collapsed and the foliage obscures any obvious means of ingress. But the trail you've been following leads straight to this ruined building, fanning out into well-worn path that circle all around it. What are you going to do? If you go any further, you're going to sort of be in the clearing.

So you're sort of in cover right now, so you've got to decide what your next move is going to be. Oh, boy, this moss is freaking me out. It's too much. It's everywhere. Okay, so do we need to, if we enter the clearing, we'll be exposed to attack. Do we think Dwayne could rip off a large, enough section to carry a cover through the clearing? A section of what?

Like moss? Tree. Of the house. Like a giant brand. Oh. You'd have to cross the clearing to get to it. I'm a feeling arrows are about to come our way. Yeah.

Who has stealth? Does anyone have stealth? Everybody's got stealth. No, but I think you'll find Larry is quite good at sneaking around. Yeah. As the resident thief, this is probably Larry. Right? Probably Larry John.

Yep. Oh, I got seven, plus seven for stuff. Oh, plus five for sleight of hand, so I could do some table magic while we're waiting. So what's the plan? I'll sneak around, I'll sneak around back. Just see what's up? See if there's an entrance. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. And the rest of us, can we start to unsheathe our weapons and sort of get ready in case something goes down, right? Okay, sure. I pull out my dagger. Cool. And my tambourines. Great.

If you're rolling a stealth check, you don't want to have a tambourine. Rhythm and blues is what I call them. Perfect. So you're splitting up. So Larry's going alone. Just to be clear. Bye, bye, Larry. Good luck.

And I don't mean it. Wow. Is it worth? Jigli also has good stealth. Is it worth? like to circle around to see if there's an entrance. Yeah, you could go the other direction. Yeah.

Oh, you're splitting them twice. Okay. Great. Double split. So. Yeah, let's split the party six ways. Wait, hold on. Hold on.

It's like a check. I noticed in my photo, I have the power of fire in my hands. Could I just burn it all down? The whole temple. Burn the stone. The whole woods. Could you or should you? Yeah, I mean, you can.

Good. I was just doing a little temp check, thank you. Regrettably, you don't seem to have any fire spells. You have ray of frost and magic missile, which is sort of a force-based attack. Frosty. Yeah. Right, let's keep our, let's keep, I'll keep rhythm and blues handy, and the rest of you keep your weapons handy and we'll be ready to go.

She'll ready one of my trusty javelins. So the temple is tiered north. Larry, are you going east or west? West? Larry's going west. Gigli to the east. Gigli is going east. Okay, we'll go with Larry first.

Since you're in the open, I'm going to call this a 15 stealth check. Okay, great. I got a three. I give it. Well... Okay, so wait, it's three plus... Plus seven. It's mid.

That's pretty mid. It's, yeah, it's, it's mid for rolling a three, but it's still not a success. So, Larry, Larry, uh, Larry winks, uh, gives a little, to his party and, uh, confidently, confidently waltzes out of the clearing and immediately steps on a branch that makes a resounding crack. The one branch at all this moss? What is it? Yeah, the one branch. I'm not worried about him pickpocketing me anymore. Uh, everybody freezes.

And you hear what is clearly. supposed to sound like a bird but is not a sort of from around the corner of the building. Oh, who can identify that one? So Justin I'm going to say

I'm going to say you're going to have to roll an athletics check to get to some cover here pretty quick. Okay. I'm going to call this a DC 12. I got a four. Go home.

You got to get some better dice, brother. I don't know. So, the four of you watch as Larry does an impressive cartwheel to try to get off of the stick and immediately trips over another stone. The minefield. Guys, can be careful out here. You're looking at Larry and over the ridge of the ruined roof of the temple, two goblin archers come They're standing on the roof keeping watch

And they see Larry Great job everybody We've reached our first combat session Everybody roll for initiative Should we also be rolling to see how stealthily We are laughing at Larry Well I think and Jeremy you can weigh on on this One of your options while in combat can be to hide

Right like you don't have to Yeah like you don't have to fight Yeah yeah I guess let's all roll for initiative So I have rolled a 19. Oh, God. Nice. I've rolled a 15. Allie?

Six. Ooh. Is that with your bonus? It is not. So seven. Yeah. Book it. Fifteen.

Fifteen. With bonus. Okay. Larry. Eleven plus three, 14. Okay. Still medium. It's my highest roll.

And, Oh, Seth is not in this. He's already gone around the board. That's good, because I rolled a one. You fall backwards into the clearing. So, Quariel, you're actually up first with 19. What would you like to do? How far is the ruined building?

So the ruined building is about 20 yards from the clearing, so for where you guys are. And then they're on the top of the roof. so I'd say about 35 yards. Okay. So about 100 feet. Okay. Then I am, so I have javelins.

And I have disadvantage if I throw it at this range, but I'm going to try anyway. Okay. Disadvantage is rolling twice and choosing the worst of the two. Ooh. But let's give it a shot. Why do you have disadvantage? because I'm throwing this javelin at like a range at this range okay if I'm within 30 feet you just throw it like normal but at this range you're like really hucking this bad boy I'm basically trying

to nail a goblin in like an Olympic javelin throw rotos guide my shaft yes rhodos the sunlighter may my javelin travel is straight as true as one of the beams of your mighty blazing I feel like you had to get plus one for that. Okay, all right. Okay, so I rolled a 15 and a three. So even with the plus one, I would have an 8 to hit, which will probably not hit that goblin. All right, Armour Class is 15. Yeah, I was going to say, there's not a chance I would hit them with an 8.

So the javelin goes wide and the goblin turns his focus from Larry over to the woods where you guys are and points at the other one. My apologies. Unfortunately, the other one is already taking aim at Larry, who is sprawled on the ground. And he shoots with his short bow, which is, okay, plus four to hit. All right, so, oh, it misses, thuds into a rotten log right next to you. The goblin goes, which probably means shit. do any of the splinters from the rotten log land in the goblin's skin

he's about a hundred feet away so I don't think so he'd have to be shooting the arrow would have to be going pretty quickly fair enough no bad questions Dwayne okay book it you're next what do you want to do so I'm going to speak like this I got a quarter stash and a dagger

Yeah, your range stuff is all magic So, um Oh, I do have spells Yeah, Ray of Frost is like You would have to roll to hit And actually you were far enough away Where you'd have to move into range to use it Or you could use magic missile

Which is a guaranteed hit But you only have so many magic missiles I'm gonna do a magic missile Do all right, all right Yeah I'm gonna decide to do a magic missile Okay, so magic missile which one are you going to shoot at?

Does it matter? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Three glowing darts of magical force. Each dart hits a creature of your choice that you can see within range. A dart deals one D4 plus one force damage to its target. Two plus one, three. Do you want to shoot all three of them at the same goblin, or do you want to shoot one at one and two of the other? All the same goblin.

Okay. All right, so you got one for three damage? rot and roll two more times two one okay oh wait

so eight total right yes because the last two rolls so it's three plus three plus two yeah okay each of your three glowing darts thud straight into the goblin archer's chest and he falls

spectacularly telescoping his spine against the stones at the bottom of the at the bottom of the temple You just spin, book it. You guys are cropped up. You guys are booked. Yes, ROTOS, the sunlighter smiles this day,

for his light has driven this goblin straight into the ground. Great, Sam's easier next. All part of the plan. I, uh, where is, where is Gilly? Uh, Jigli is, is around the corner. He's not involved. I decide to kind of run towards, uh, Jeeley. Oh, boy, okay.

I'm going to call, since they're literally looking at you, well, his friend just died. So I'm going to call it a DC-15 stealth check for you to get over to where he is. Okay. They weren't friends. They were co-workers. Whoops. Yeah, you don't know the guy. You don't know that.

I thought I was friends with book it. And you have plus two. Yeah. So roll your D20 plus two. I rolled an 11 plus 2. Oh, okay. All right. you run out into the clearing but because you have forgotten to silence your tambourine

the is that rhythm or blues it's rhythm of course the remaining the remaining goblin archer notices you and you can see him sizing up your size and armor compared to Larry's smaller size making him a smaller target all right next is Larry Yes. Can I use my short bow? Yeah, certainly can't. Let's do it. Okay, so Larry, you're going to fire your short bow?

You've got plus five to hit. You can fire a bow on the ground. So roll your D20 and add plus five. Don't see with Larry. Yeah. Don't crook with Larry. Yeah, exactly. Cool. Cool.

All right, so roll your D20 plus five. Nine. Nine plus five? Fourteen. Fourteen. All right. Your arrow. whizzes past this goblin's ear

but does not make contact. What? It's very close. Thanks for having me joining your team, guys. I'm helpful. All right. The goblin archer is next.

You can see him saying, man, do I want to shoot this dude who almost shot me? Do I want to shoot this big, dumb target running with a tambourine? Oh, no. I have zero athletic. He is slightly closer to Larry, so he's going to take a shot at Larry.

His short bow is a nine. Miss. So another arrow whizzes right by you and thunks into the log on the other side of your body. Man, can't hit Larry. Lucky Larry, they say. Dwayne Newark Johnson, you're next. What's your move? Yay!

Okay. wait what are my weapons hold on you have a hand axe and javelins and a great axe I have the great axe which is a melee weapon yeah it would take you two turns to get close enough to use it which you still might want to do I do think I want to get closer I will also say Ali because you are a barbarian like you have a higher than natural defense even without a shield thicker skin. Yeah, yeah, basically. All right, yeah, fuck it.

Let's just do it. All right. Dwayne charges. So your plan is to scale the wall of this dilapidated church and try to kill... How many goblins do we know of right now? Two. There is one goblin that you know of right now. That we know of right now.

One is dead. Oh, one was killed. One has been missiles. Okay. I'm headed in the direction of the one goblin. Okay, great. plan. All right, Quario, it's your turn again. Okay.

I'm going to try another long-range javelin shot. Great, perfect. Wow. I love it. Beautiful. All right, here we go. Oh, boy. I got a 10 and a 9, and so that's a 14 and a 13, which I know is just below what I need to get. Almost. Another javelin goes wide.

All right. Well, then I'm going to fall in behind Dwayne the Ork Johnson and make because I like my armor glass is quite high so I'm just going to run behind him and you're drafting behind me well Dwayne you probably did a full run which means you do twice your normal movement and so I I just threw a javelin so I can only go half the distance you went so yeah so you got 60 you got 60 feet so you're already like yeah Dwayne is pretty close now already like six feet up the wall yeah yeah you're already like on it yeah I still have some distance to go yeah yeah yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Dwayne, you're almost to the base of the wall. Hell yeah. Okay, so it's Bucket's turn. What? Yep. Do you want another magic missile or do you want to try something else?

If you do another magic missile, that will be the end of the magic missiles for the day. That's fine. I think you guys need help. I think everyone's just struggling. And I'm just having a all time. I say, do the magic missiles. Great. Okay, add 3D4 and add one to each of them.

One, two, three. Oh, four, three, four, plus one to each. Oh, man. Wow, that guy got obliterate. Two of your missiles go into the goblin's chest, and as he's falling off the roof, the third one decapitates him on the way down. Great rotors. Great.

You big bucket. As the second archer hits the ground, you see a battle horn spill out of his bag. which means that it's a good thing you got him when he did because he could have maybe called for reinforcement, good job. Should we blow the battle? What are the odds, though,

that Samseys finds the battle horn and plays it? Larry uses it. We're about to find out. So, we're going to switch scenes and go to, we're going to go to Jigley going around the corner.

So, Jigley, you make your way, you make your way at Samseys, you rub! No, you're not there yet. You've already come around the corner and go ahead and roll

a stealth check. 18 plus 5, 23. Okay. So you silently move your leather plaid feet over the mossy rocks and get to the south

eastern corner of the wall and you hear some hushed voices. You get to the corner and peer around and you see two goblins standing guard next to the wall of the chapel, and they're talking to a hooded telurionoid figure whose back is turned to you. You can't see his face or what he looks like, but you can hear him speaking in a low whisper. You can see that the moss and ivy has been

crudely removed from this section of the ruin to reveal a doorway, which has been blocked off by a new crude goblin destruction of iron and roughfune wood. The goblins are speaking in Goblin, which actually you know, Jigley, so very, very lucky that you were the one who went this direction. All right. Could have been Larry. So you hear, Larry does not speak Goblin. Yeah, that would have been a disaster.

So your stealth check gets you close enough even to hear what they're saying. And the guy in the hooded, he's speaking goblin, but the guy in the hooded robe says, the girl is ready and the ritual will begin soon. Kill anyone who comes close.

The goblin nods, and the man with the hooded robe whispers a word and simply vanishes. Hmm? As you're standing there, you hear the distant, desperate jangling of a tambourine

and seems he runs up behind you. And Winston, go ahead and roll stealth check as well. Okay. So I read an eight. So eight plus... Oh, six plus two.

Oh. It's a larry roll. As Gigli is patting himself on the back for being so close and sneaking up to these goblins. You've done it again, Jake. Both of the goblin guards whip their heads around to see Samsey's rounding the corner. I just wanted to tell you that we found the goblins. All right, you guys roll for initiative. My initiative is eight.

That's with your bonus? Yes. Woof. Okay. 10 with bonus. I know, sorry. All right, all right. I really wasted it on that useless stealth.

Yeah, you should have saved that one. All right, so the first goblin guard runs over to you, Gigli, brandishing his scimitar. And he, what is your armor class? 16. His scimitar slices you. For six damage So I'm down to us from 13 to 7 Your hit points are 13?

Yeah, okay, all right I don't know how many hit points do you think people had He's one of the heartiest members of our crew, my friend Oh yeah, that's tough Okay, all right, Sam'sies, you're next You just saw me take a scimitar to nearly half killed me. I run. No, I use blues to, how far away am I half on?

You're like 15 feet behind Jesus. You have plenty of space to get to the goblin who just attacked him and attack the goblin. Okay, so I do that. Okay. So your D20 plus four to hit. Yes. 19. Oh, there you go, baby.

Yeah, palpable hit. And so roll a D4 plus two? It's a six. A six. Wow. All right. You jam your dagger up into his neck and the goblin, the goblin grabs his throat. but his expression is one of fury rather than pain.

He's still got a little left in him. All right, the other goblin guard runs over and swings his scimitar at you, Sam'sies. Uh-oh. Yeah, this might be the end of the same thing. It is a hit. Oh, no. Oh, no.

How much damage can Samsies take? Okay, three damage to Samsies. He kind of glances off your... It's deflected off of your tambourine weirdly and only gives you a few... That's rhythm. Do you still have all of his fingers? How's his music hand?

Is it still good or what's that? Not my money makers! The one who sliced me, is that the same one that Winston stabbed? Yes. Okay. I'm going to attempt to finish him off with my battle axe. Okay.

Go ahead and roll. 15 15 okay and roll damage who get them get them Seth

three three three damage well you didn't get as much umph on it as you thought you were going to but you still UHF style split him

down the middle from the top like a peeled banana you just chop him in half all right the second guy Goblin, who just took a stab at Sameses, looks a little bit nervous, backs up, and instead of attacking you, fumbles for his battle horn to call reinforcements.

No. Oh, he does not get, he's so nervous, he doesn't get it to his lips, he can't do it in time, but he's still holding it, so you better finish him off. Samsies, you're up. Is now a good time to cast vicious mockery? Always a fantastic time. weighs a good time. Yes.

I cast vicious mockery. There we go. All right. Target within 60 feet. Do you score it with the tambourine? Yes. I've given you blues. Now you face the rhythm.

Wow. So vicious. All right. DC 13 wisdom check. Yeah, the goblin has to see if he can resist this terrible dis. You don't have the chops, sir, to blow that? You don't have the range. You don't have the range.

You don't have the red. The goblin fails the check He's so embarrassed Haza! It's a tough biz, bitch! Take one D4 psychic damage, okay, I'll do that. Yes, from the shame, the embarrassment. Wow. Three damage!

He grasps his temples with shame. All right, your turn, Jigley. All right, is psychic damage real hit point damage? Yeah. It's real damage. Psychic damage real, I thought, was going to be here. How dare you? I don't believe in therapy.

Wow. Are we going to get canceled again? Just to give them a taste of own menace. I'm going to draw my scimitar and slash. Isn't your axe like your whole thing? Yeah, just mixing it up. Oh, no. All right.

Go ahead and roll. Go ahead and roll. So I'm rolling to hit. Nine. Nine. You put aside your enormous, bloody, razor-sharp battle axe and pull out a scimitar that you got at like a fair a few weeks ago. You take a swing and miss completely.

No fair. All right, so the guard starts running for the door, and blows his battle horn. Oh. I was saying, what does he blow? And he looks, same as he straight in the eye and utter some guttural nonsense, which Gigli understands to mean,

I have the range. And he disappears into the door. I will say, because of vicious mockery, he has disadvantage on blowing the horn for this turn. Oh, no. So he has to roll again and take a horse result. Oh, you're right, you're right, you're right. Oh, shit!

Oh, Jeremy, he got our bat. He said he had the range before he blew it, and then... A bird flies out of the end of the horn, he curses it as it flies a real bird. It's a living. Oh, man. You're absolutely right. Wow, cool. That's really good.

Congratulations. Psychic damage is real. You better finish him off with your real weapon this time. All right. Right. Hand crossbow, it is. Amazing. Oh, sorry, no, no, no. It's Sam'sys.

Sorry, sorry. Yeah, Samsies. I guess I stab him with my, with blues, right? All right, go ahead and roll. I guess I stab him? That's that Samsey's confidence. Yeah, he's still high. He's still high.

15, so plus 4, 19. Ooh. That's a hit. And go ahead and roll your dagger damage. it's three plus two which is five oh great so you stab this goblin in the gut ouch and he uh looks at you with menace he's still going but now it's jingley's turn all right the cloak dude just disappeared right he is completely gone yeah as far as you can tell he uttered a word and disappeared into thinner hmm unrelated to the magic from before

I presume yeah almost no chance it's yeah no way uh I'm I'm going to aid my battle axe exactly for the general area where Samsey's just stabbed him. Oh, wow. You're going to try to get your axe into the wound, into the dagger wound? Weird. Damn. That's a weird. Hard target.

All right, go ahead and roll. 20. 15 plus 5. Great. You have like that, if you look at your portrait, you've got like the sharp part of your axe. The little back triangle. Yeah, yeah. You shove that in like a dagger and then push it up and impaled his spike into his head.

He's crock and dead. And then you, now that you've got his head impaled, you're sort of like, you know, like one of those dog tennis ball throwers, like leverage him into the woods. And ironically, he makes a noise that sounds a perfect note as his head flies through the air. Ah, finally hit that G-sharp, I guess. All right. Good job, guys. You managed to kill all those barely kill all those goblins

before they alerted everyone else. Okay. Book it evaporated both of them and then we sort of stabbed them and take that. It's reading a magazine. I'm going to, yeah. I'm going to say just for the sake of expediency,

the rest of the crew runs around the corner to meet up with Jigli and Samsey. How to go for you guys? Why are you covered in blood? We took down a dozen at least. I see only the two bodies, though. There were more. They turned to dust and smoke.

Fine, it was two. Ours was fairly fast. Can I ask, Bucket, if there's a healing spell that she could spare, since I'm half dead? That's a good question. It's not a, not a wizard thing, unfortunately. However, Gile, I can bring the light of Rodos the side. to bear on your wounds if I am allowed to lay on my hands

upon them. Oh, please. Yes, very well. I can help you get rid of a wish. Actually, that too, yeah. You were both stabbed. Oh, most sacred girls. Bless these hands with the light

of your infinite grace and allow these wounds to close. May their internal light shine all the might rightly. Seth, you heal five. All right, you're only down one hit point. Great job, Quarreal. Nice.

Wait, what about me? I also got hurt. I'm only... The light of Rodos is... What? I'm an imperfect vessel for Rodos's light. Wait, come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Don't spit on your hand and just put it on my wound. Nope. Nobody has any other healing. I do have more, but you've only taken three damage. Yeah, you're fine. You're fine.

Right, the party finds themselves standing in front of this rough, uh, human. wood and iron door which uh clearly has been installed to sort of reseal this uh opened passage the original door was long since uh rotted away so it looks like this is the entrance to the goblin lair are you guys ready to go in anything else you want to do uh could i do um i can uh in a short or long rest your song gains heroic inspiration to two allies oh okay great What does that, what does heroic inspiration do? I believe heroic inspiration is just you can re-roll anything. Like if you fail something, you can use your heroic inspiration.

And then it's used up. Yep. You can expend it to re-roll any dime. Yep. Yeah. Okay. So I grant heroic inspiration to my co-fighter, brother-in-arms, Gili, and also to Larry, because he's having a tough one. Have it a tough day.

Bad diet. Bad diet. So, are you guys ready to go in? Yes, let's go. All right, you push open the heavy wooden door and the heady smell of coal smoke, roasted meat, and goblin filth waft out into your nostrils.

Who's going in first? I think I'll go in first. I push open the heavy door. And I stand basically. in the fall doorway. Nice, perfect. So the wooden door swings open. And...

Yeah, okay, there's your map. Move on. We reveal a set of stone steps leading... Okay. This is where you are here. A set of stone steps leading down into the darkness. The stairway is quiet. Fortunately, because of a couple near fucking misses up there,

no one knows you're here. Or because of some vicious mockery. Yes, sorry, that's what I should have said. As your eyes adjust to the dim light, you reach the bottom of the steps to see the month's old corpse of some poor adventurer impaled by a long iron spike which still sticks into the stone wall of the corridor.

How will you proceed? Roll for perception? Okay, that's a DC-Fing. 15, perception check. A 16. 16, great. So the spike, which impales this unfortunate idiot, is not the only trap in this hallway.

Just beyond him, you notice a thin wire, nearly indistinguishable from the cobweb surrounding it, stretching from one side of the hallway to the other. You could try to hop over it, or you could try to rig the trap so it doesn't trigger when Larry invariably misjudges the distance. how did this happen So who's got the best light of hand

Well just to help you out This is a perfect use for the thieves tools That Larry has Plus five Great can anyone disarm the traps What we really need are some thieves tools I'm a thief over here Larry Your old friend Larry

Anyone anyone have anything I have all of the tools Hasn't cracked up yet But is anybody else He's paid his dues He's paid his dues I'll say if there was one thief in uni, it was Larry. That's right.

I actually stole these thief tools, ironically. I stole them. Using what? My hands. Oh, the original thief's tools. So, Justin, to disarm a trap, it's a DC-15, but then you also get to add your proficiency bonus. So it's a DC-15, but it's a plus five. And actually, you can take a 10 because you're not in initiative right now.

That's true. Yeah, you don't even need to roll. Sick. Get that die out of my hand. Larry, finally earning his keep, busts out his thieves tools, and uses a set of narrow-bladed scissors to cut the trip wire. That's how I shear scabbers.

Crumbles? Crumbles, that's it. And it's completely disarmed. You guys can pass over the trip wire and head around the corner. Way to go, Larry. Pretty good from old lair. So you pass the second spike trap, you reach a right turn in the corridor

and you see the light of a fire casting jumping shadows on the wall. You turn the corner and enter the goblin's makeshift hideout. There's a brazier because every good adventure needs a brazier at some point. There's a brazier in the middle of the room surrounded by stools, camp beds,

and racks of weapons and armor. And standing at the brazier are three goblins warming their hands by the fire. The light of the fire prevents them from noticing you at this distance. You're not in cover, but they do not see you as of right now. I love if there's like six of us. You're peering around the corner, like a monkey, like a monkey's episode.

Yeah, where you guys are all stacked on top of these. I won't say, I want to say. Why am I on top? It doesn't make logistical sense. So what's your move? You guys are peering down the hallway, and the three guards are right here around the brazier. guards. Three goblins. Three goblins. We could just rush in

and take a, like, we get basically a round. Surprise attack. Surprise around. Yeah. There's only three of them. There's six of you. There's not that many. Yeah, we got these. I mean, what other options do we have? Just rush them. I say we rush them. Oh, oh. We can throw that creepy body at them.

The spike. We could throw a corpse at them. Or use these weapons. All right. Quarial's going to go for it. He's going to charge in. Okay. All right, so you guys roll for initiative, and you get a free round because you've got the element of surprise. So everybody tell me what your initiative rolls are.

11. As does same zees. 11. That's with your, Jesus, guys. Come on. It's random. I was like, I got a four, Alden, so I don't know what you're going to tell me. You got a four?

Yeah. Oh, boy. Okay. I have 21. Oh, yeah. Mary. Mary. That's good.

I'm a dungeon guy. I only have a seven. Larry comes alive in the dungeons. Seven? Yeah, that's right. And what's Bookett? Wait, is that Natural 20, Mujan? Nat 20.

Okay, so that's plus your initiative bonus. 21. Oh, right. Book it and Larry. Yeah, Bookett and Larry both have 21, but you've got a natural 20 bucket, so you're going to go first. Let me roll initiative for these goblies.

Oh, yeah. Booket is first, and I'm going to give you a plus one on any roll you take as well as a plus one on any damage you do because of your natural 20 any move you made

you get the Phil Collins on this one I'm going to do Ray of Frost for Petra because she's the frostiest B I know great for Petra all right so you attack Ray of Frost with the first goblin

all right 15 Oh, wow You got him That's D8 cold damage D8 cold damage Six Oof

Okay He sort of freezes up like a cartoon character There's a whole ice thing around him There's a few seconds and he Bussed through And gris! Gets very angry But you can tell he really got to him

All right Larry you're next All right Dagger time A rapier. Do you want to attack the injured goblin or one of the freshies? Deaf injured. Okay. Go ahead and roll.

Great. I got a three. Okay. Yeah, you missed. You missed. You rush in with your rapier and take a swipe, but no dice. I wish there was no dice. Oh, wait, but he did have heroic inspiration if he wanted to re-roll, right?

Oh, that's true. Oh, that's right. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's right. Good job. Samsey's song stirs within his heart. Yes.

There's a warmth there. Surely Larry can beat three. 17 from Larry. Yes. Heroic. Go ahead and roll for damage. One. Well, but it's plus three.

Plus three. So it's four. There must have been a still little ice left in his goblin's veins because when you poke him, he shatters into a lot of pieces. He's gone. All right, next is Jigli. All right. So there's two left. And in this six seconds, by the way, the goblins are like,

that's what's happening in their six seconds. All right, go ahead, Jigley. Frozen, shattered in front of them. What? What happened to her? Dherb. I'm going to chop one of them with my axe. Checks out.

Yep, good, great. Roll a D20. Surprising. 19 Oh, baby! All right, and roll for damage? Five. Five?

All right, you sort of get ahead of yourself and you start swinging a little early, so you kind of slice him across the belly. It's a lot of damage, but he's still going. Next is Sam'sies. I attack the same goblin that... Gigi just attacked. Famous team. Sam's a healing.

I rolled a five, so it's a nine. Okay. So I didn't hit him? No. You run in after Zhigli. Me too. You say, nice job, buddy! I hit him with the tambourine.

It's wrong hand. Dwayne the Orch Johnson is next. Yeah. Okay. Now, we roll a D-20. Are you using your great axe against one of these guys? Yes. Are you hitting the injured one or the other one?

I'm hitting the other one. So now, Dwayne is using a great axe, which means if he does hit on this attack, he can cleave with the great axe, which means to hit another target within five feet. Oh, so like a... So like a bump-b-b-b-b-b-hmm. 17. Oh, yeah, baby. All right, so it's 1D-12 plus 3.

Yeah, it's a nasty weapon. It's a two. But a five. But it's a five. So that's a five damage. But that was the injured one. So he's fucking dead. And now roll one more time for your cleave on the second one right next to him.

11. So that's plus five. You got him. Roll another Z-12. Five. Okay. So you chop the first goblin in half and your axe continues to lodge itself in the rib cage of the third goblin.

He doesn't die, but it is pretty fucking impressive. So next is Quariel. We shall end your villainy this day, goblins. All right. I got a 19, which is a

23. Okay. Long sword, the ray of Rodos. Should I name my weapons? This guy's got the cool names. Yeah. Always name your weapons, always. Mine's named axe.

All right, roll for damage. We got nine damage. Okay. The ray of Rodus. You know how Zoro has a kind of Z shape? You kind of like chop off his head and then bisect his body down over and then chop his legs off at the knees. It's the rough shape of an R. A loose R.

I couldn't, it was the bodies were falling. So I couldn't get around. You have to sort of make it angular, but then... Yes, yes. It worked, is what I'm saying. Strange religion. You obliterate these three guards, and you are standing in an empty lair. So there's no sound coming from the doors to the north and the east,

but there's a faint growling coming from this one here. You peer through the bars, you see two enormous wargs fighting over a bone. Let's leave the wargs alone. Yeah, good, good call, Quario. There is a song called Let's Sleepy. wogs lie. Ooh, are you going to sing it right now? Do it. Do it. Do it.

Twas a dark night. Stop. Okay. The door to the east is a store room which contains Scripps' stolen garfons, which you recognize, balking up the place, as well as various other items clearly taken from the nearby towns. There's casks of ale and mead, there's various books. Books.

What was that? What? Kind of books. Yeah, exactly. Is that a lot of self-help books, it looks like? Yeah, exactly. Goblins with a bent for self-improvement. I appreciate it.

And there's also glass vials. There's a huge, like, glass orb, like a seeing eye or something. It's an unusual thefts for goblins. Other equipment used by alchemists and healers. The door to the north is sealed, leaves it another passageway, but you can't tell what it is. So anything you want to do in here before you. you guys move on. It's reminding me I should share with them what I heard that we saw this other guy and heard them refer to Petra. What? What? This would have been good to know. Why didn't

you tell us? We were talking in the hallway. I forgot. Well, you know, we were healed and there was the song and they said the woman is almost ready for the ritual and then the cloaked man disappeared. Something like that. Disappeared. But you're assuming the woman is is Petra. That's a sumist. You're assuming all women are one person. That's true. Just because it's a woman doesn't mean it's Petra. It could also be a doctor. I'm a proud of a sumist.

Or someone else who's hot and box. I'm going to marry a propose at least to whichever woman is there. Petro or question mark. Are we moving on or what's the deal? Let's go. Anyway.

Listen, I think we must make haste if the Saturday. If the sacrifice is almost ready. Yes, yes, it's true. All right, the door to the north leads into another passageway. Dee, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de. Beautiful. The corridor out of the goblin's lair is less disgusting than the corridor in,

and the stones on the walls are engraved with figures and letters that are too worn to discern. As you turn in the corner, you see a staircase leading up to a great hall, and the colorful light you saw is cast by enormous stained glass windows, still intact after these countless years. There are stone pews surrounding a large altar at the far end of the room, and behind the altar is the hooded man that Gigli saw outside.

Told you. And laying on the altar is Petra. She appears to be unconscious, perhaps in a magical trance, floating several inches off of the altar. Whoa. The hooded figure is waving a staff and whispering some incomprehensible incantations

as swirls of light and sparks move above him. Sparks. Coincidence. No. Is it night? Flanking the altar are two enormous bug bears. Standing watch while the ritual

is performed. This sounds cute. Bug bears. They sound cute, but they are terrifying. Bug bears are basically like a werewolf but a bear. What do you do? I feel like

you know, someone should say halt, right? It feels like quarial. is very good at that, but if anybody wants to say Hall. Coriol's just in the side reading a book. One of those goblin books. I am fascinated by

what these goblins are reading. Larry, do you want to tell the hooded man to put her down? Get your damn hands off her, whatever you want to say? Get your goddamn hands offer. Actually, I have a dramatic thing I could do.

You're not going to try to stealth in. You're going to just Oh, I guess that's an option, right? Stealth has been ineffective in my experience. Fair, fair. Okay, I have something that feels very character-appropriate that I could do. I'm going to cast searing smite on my long sword, which makes it basically flaming. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah.

If I hit with it, it makes people catch on fire. So I'm going to cast searing smite by saying Oh, most glorious Rodos We are in the darkest place I have ever seen in my life And if your light can reach even the pit of this depravity Then I will drive it back So that your light might fill this space with its holy divinity Just give it a little while Larry

Sorry, I'm new, does he love Rodas? What's the deal? The sorcerer, the warlock looks up as he's hearing this... Monologue. Coming from... Yeah, this monologue. To Rodus, a person not here. Rodos.

Rodeus. Excuse, sorry, I'm new. ROTUS. Rodos. Yes, you are. You are new to everything, my friend. That was a nag. Yes.

But I think this stranger will find the greatest nag of all comes from the retribution of Rodots, the sunlight. Whoa! That sword is on fire! That is very cool. I like what those. All right, so it's a surprise attack on these guys. So everybody roll in this shift.

Yeah. I have A6. Nice. Bummer. Yeah, so hold on. Sorry, just getting the sword ready. 21. Oh, wow. I have a nine.

Ten. Ten plus three, 13. Oh, boy. You guys are fucked. Oh, no. Well, we got a surprise round. So during Quariel's long-winded speech, Gigli,

Sprint. Not a speech, it is necessary to cast the spells. Sprintz up the staircase, brandishing his, Seth. Battle Axe. Battle Axe. And takes aim at who? Um, okay, so there's two bug bears and the warlock. So, yeah, so there's bug bears like here, like they're like bouncers basically like

in either side of the altar. And, um, this guy in the middle, whose name you have not, uh, requested is right here. Petra's on the altar here. Uh, I'm going to go for the main guy. Oh, you're going to vault over the floating Petra. You know what? I'm going to ask you to roll a DC 15. agility check

to jump over you're a dwarf you need to jump over not only the altar but Petra who's floating three inches above the altar Oh those three inches

for a dwarf very tough so with that one I got a nine but I'm going to re-roll because of my inspiration

and I got a 14 plus 3 17 oh yeah there you go baby nice yeah savesies this is also

this is also by the way still halfway through Quariel's speech that he's still going. The flames are just beginning to creep up the hilt of the blade. It is your light who can reach this dark place. As Carrie Strugg style

Gigli vaults over the thing and sort of You've got to do it. You've got to do it. You've got to do it. He vaults over the altar above Petra. And now you have to roll to see whether you actually hit this guy.

and I'm going to invoke my lucky feat of the day for this hit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would say wait until you wait until I know. Okay, all right. Okay, all right. Oh, I rolled a one. Okay. It will not waste my luck on that.

No, you should. No, no, you should. Oh, but that's... Yeah, luck point lets you get advantage, so you roll. Oh, and re-roll. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good luck. Oh, 15 plus two.

Oh, there we go. Okay, so roll for damage on your fucking huge-ass battle acts. This is amazing. All right. It's 1D8 plus two. No, are you using with both hands? It's 1D10 plus two. Oh, a 10 plus 2 is 12.

12. Oh, my God. The old skull splitter. Just the image of him Coming in huge I secretly loved Petra also Bras is the man We don't know who this guy is

No we have not asked any questions Yeah boy if we know this guy This is gonna be awkward He says what the crook Get the crook out of here Drenched Klamic destroy The rituals almost complete As the axe is like lodged in his shoulder

All right Oh, no, no, no, you've got the element of surprise Okay, so next is Wait, so he's alive, he took 12 and he's... You sort of like swiped him and stuck into his shoulder Okay So he's definitely injured But he's still going strong

So next is Larry Well For my love, I will attack as well At the wound Can we ask who this person is? Can we try to knock his hood down or something? Who are you? Sort of too late. Have we met? Uh, sort of too late for that. Okay. I'll attack. Okay. What are you going to attack with? I guess my rapier. Okay. Does he do the same

sort of running jump? How are you attacking, Justin? I guess the same. I'm going to follow my guy. Cool. You're going to try to attempt the exact same maneuver. You can use me as a step. Yeah. Truly like an Olympic vaulting teams. You're going to try to double up your scores. Double up. I use my rapier, poodle tooth. Poodle tooth, great. I called this a DC-15,

dexterity check to get over the vault. You're also a halfling. I'm going to make it a DC-16. Wow. So, this is, because you're even shorter than she glee, so to get over that. Yeah, but I know Petra. Halflings are the time. I know Petra, so it's cool. Yeah.

Okay, so roll a deck. But you also have that fucking, you've got one more luck point too. So go ahead and roll for your dexterity check. 14. Plus three. Oh, shit. All right. So go ahead and roll to see if you hit this guy.

Six. Wait, plus something, right? Plus six plus five. All right. Almost impossibly. astonishingly, you copy Gigli's vaulting move perfectly

except when you come down you're sort of like 12 inches to the right so your sword comes down, your rapier comes down and completely misses the guy. Not great. So next is And I quickly say, who are you? But he doesn't hear me.

Who are you? All right. Next is Book it. I'm going to try. I'm freezing again. Yeah, freeze them up. Great, freeze them up, all right. Oh, oh, oh, what is it, Mr. 18?

Oh, my goodness. Okay. So that's 1D8 cold damage. Okay. Four. All right, so four his robes begin to frost over, but he doesn't seem too upset about it. It's kind of tough. Besides the axe and his side.

Next is Dwayne the York Johnson. me okay now that guy was still on the other side of my axe last we chatted the other the goblin that you killed remember when I cleaved him he was still attached to my ass shaking him off oh you know is he still on that you want him to still be there he's still there okay okay I'm gonna take I'm going to take the body still attached to my axe and launch it. Hell yeah. Towards the altar.

You're going to whip a goblin body at this person? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I guess this is projectile. Ranged bludgeoning damage. Yeah, this is like a ranged throw with an improvised weapon. Yeah. All right, let's give it a shot. So, Alden, this would be like strength bonus plus proficient.

Well, I don't know that they're proficient in throwing goblin bodies. Dway might be. If anyone is, too, I was like, Duay might be. So plus five to hit and then plus strength damage because he's literally just hurling it as hard as he can. Okay, so plus five to hit. So go ahead and roll a D20 to see if it actually hits. Okay, I rolled a 16.

Oh, my God. Then it does. All right, no, that's good. So roll a D4. I rolled a one. All right, well, plus your strength modifier, which is four. Yeah, yeah. So that's five damage.

So you launch the dead goblin. I would say he's dead, but he's not like dead dead. He's like still. He's still like, like, shiglin. He knows he's being used. Yes, exactly. The goblin launches, clears Petra on the altar and collides with this hooded figure, knocking him to the ground for five damage.

Wow. Okay. He's looking a little beat up at this point. Who's next? Sam'sies. I cast vicious mockery on the bug bears.

You can only do one at a time. And also Samisies, I would like to point out you also have a spell called dissonant whispers which is sort of a more powerful version. Oh, that one's a great one. Dissinence. Thank you. Of vicious mockery. You don't get it unlimited

like vicious mockery, but it is, the effects are more potent. It also sounds like a song you'd sing too It does Wispers Okay I attack the one on the left I cast a dissonant whisper

Okay It's a wisdom check I say You don't have the range I'm gonna give you a minus one on that Because you've already used that Inso Oh no

Wait wait wait wait Nope too late No Okay Okay so wisdom save on these stupid bug bears. They're dumb so this is a good choice of attack. Oh, two.

Oh, no. He doesn't like this song. The bug bear hates this song. You whisper a discordant melody that only one creature of your choice within range can hear, racking it with terrible pain. It's the one that it didn't rhyme that everyone had a problem with. Yeah, I take a 3D6 psychic damage. Yeah, brutal. What?

And then he also has to run away. Oh. The bug bear does? yeah uh eight damage is what i caused eight over three d six yes i rolled one six and two ones okay eight damage but he runs away yeah he he has to like basically press himself against the wall and stay away from winston yeah really scared the bug bear is racked with uh pain um and he says something in goblin that only jigli can hear which is i'm not getting paid enough for this uh he runs over to right, the northern side of the room,

and makes his way through these boulders and actually escapes out the road. Oh, he drove him away. Oh, drove him away. See you later. B'iom. Quarillo, you've finally finished your monologue. At last.

Your sword is claiming it's time to go. Yes, at last, I have been blessed by Rudos. Let me bring your vengeance to these foul creatures. I'm going to, the other bug bear is still there, right? Yep. All right, I'm going to go for him. Okay. With a flaming ray of Rodos and I roll a two.

It's not to connect. All right. Your flaming sword splits asunder nothing at all. Rodos is all sizzle, no steak. Oh, dear you, it was my failing. Rodos granted his blessing and I failed to deliver it. Oh, such a disappointment. Next is Gigli.

It does stay aflame, though, so it's okay. Yes, of course. The surprise round is over. A new round. Gigli, you're next at the top of the initiative, and everyone is ready to go. Okay, so what's the deal with Petra? Petra's still floating? Yeah, she's unconscious or in some sort of magical trance floating above the altar.

Yeah, you could make a move to grab her, so. Yeah, and the warlock is on the ground? The warlock has been knocked prone, yes. And is underneath a dead goblin? Yes. Do you think maybe this guy was trying to help Petra or something? Is there a chance? Uh-oh.

Odds are low. I'm going to attempt to behead this guy. Yeah, take them out. All right, roll to hit. You do get advantage on prone targets. Oh, shit. You roll twice and you take the better of the two rolls. I got an 18 on the first roll.

Okay, no need to roll again. Roll for damage. Mm-hmm. 10 Oh my god Okay With a mighty swing of your axe Which I should remind you

Has never actually seen battle I was gonna say He's really putting some notches on the other I was gonna say Like is Gingley just gonna be hiding this whole time But I didn't think that would be Your axe slices clean through this dude's neck His head rolls off to the side

and lands among a pile of rubble. Who are you? Does he say anything with his last words? The remaining bug bear takes one look at the six of you and exits exactly the same way that the first one did. Yes, run, fool. Yeah. The flames of Rodots drive you back.

You don't have the range. He almost comes back. He almost comes back because he used that now three times. Okay. The knave. of the temple is empty. You rush up to the altar, praying that you are not too late to save Petra.

The shimmering magic above her fades, and she falls to the altar. As you gather around her, she begins to stir. She reaches one flawless, slender hand to her face, parting her magnificent locks of auburn hair to reveal her radiant golden eyes. When her eyes see you,

they flash with anger. Huh? What? She cries. She sits up right, what you do here? Left you a note, inn't it? What happened to see me? Say again, left us a note.

A note. We didn't find any note. He ain't trying to sacrifice me. It's a second day, in it? Sex magic's consensual, isn't it? Tentric. Oh, boy. You know, I haven't heard Petra talk in a while.

Larry? Why you got Larry with you? Don't judge me, Larry. I thought we had a thing going. You're out on a sex date with a warlock? A second date, second date! Oh, I thought you said sex date. You did say sex magic, though.

Sex magic, that's right. You're going to be. I'm not... Jumped his hair off in it. It's time to sing your song from blood sugar sex magic. Yes, your famed tune under the bridge. Yeah. We don't have the rights.

You don't have the range. We don't have the rights. There's an awkward moment, as you all realize, you've beheaded Petra's maybe going to be boyfriend. Let me check if he's okay. Put his head back near his neck. I can put the head back together. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can't we reanimate? Put it back together. Look at it. He's dancing now. Look at me. It's all right. Book it, this is a grim, specter. Yeah, no, it's all right.

It's all right. He was fine. With the battle over, you have a moment to take in the nave in which you stand. Now that the warlock's magic has dissipated, the sanctuary is even more beautiful in silence. The stained glass windows cast a rainbow blanket across the stone floor, and through the collapsed north wall spills all shades of emerald mosses and ivies. What is the moss with the sky? The windows depict events and figures you do not recognize, but at the center of the room, the largest wind depicts not a person, but what appears to be a large coin with a hole through the center.

And not for nothing, the acoustics in here are amazing. Yeah, okay. I shall sing this tale. We sort of made a mistake. No, no, no, no, you got to roll to sing that tale. Oh, okay. It's a DC-15 charisma check, Winston, to sing a tale about what just happened. Larry! Larry, I have something to say to Larry.

Yes? Okay. Oh. I rolled a 10. But this is a performance check, so you get plus five. Oh. Oh. Okay.

Lovely. All right, listen up. Well, I see you have something to say to Larry. Oh, who has something to say to Larry? Right. Yes. All right. I'm here between my two favorite.

ladies. Larry, you son of my lord, you've known since day what are you need that, you're the one that I want to obey with. But the entire time you've been loving up on picture, well, I've just been standing here and going

with it like it was wind on fire. But we're now in what I caught at an altar, and if you want to get married, you do it now with me or for him a whole for feast. Book it. When I started, of this adventure, I wanted to propose to Petra.

And then I heard her voice, and your voice is much more melodic and beautiful. Sort of a sliding scale. It's all relative, isn't it? I kill it. It's like fingers on a chalkboard, that one. It's quite grating. I would love to wed you here in this sex temple. What, here comes crumbles. Oh, with a ring in her house.

Holding a ring, holding a little pillow with a ring attached to it. Crumbles was smelting a ring out of cursed gold, probably. Wow. Okay, so we're doing a wedding ceremony here in the temple. Yes. We don't even know what religion this is. Sex. Sex magic.

This union shall be blessed by none other than Rodos the sunlighter. Rodos's light would love to purify this sex surgeon. Rodos doesn't judge. Nah. This is quick. You guys both on board with this? Yeah, we just spent the whole, we murdered together. This is a strong connect. There's nothing stronger and healthier than a nice trauma bond. That's right. Psychic damage is real. All right, I'm going to allow you guys to take a tin on officiating this wedding.

Larry and Bookett approached the altar and Sameses the accompanies while Quariel improvises slightly Rota's adjacent union. Unholy sinners, we have gathered here to sanctify this relationship in the light of the sun lighter.

May his holy blessing and divine light guides me through your life. I don't ever want to feel like God did that day. No, no, no, same days we don't have the rights, same things.

Turn your eyes towards the holy light Frodo's the sunlighter, and keep them open and let his blinding magnificence scour your eyes clean. Wow. And then look upon each other with new eyes.

Ow! Yeah. Yes, you should see nothing but a colorless void. That's what love is, a colorless void. Yes, this blank slate shall be the surface on which you write

your love story. Wow. Really beautiful. Heavy, heavy vows. Rodos the sunlight who would accept nothing less. Is brunch still on at the end? If we bring this stuff back, can we do like mimosas or something still? Well, you know, Sam'sies, you never got to sing your song. Oh, you rolled for it already, right?

Yes, got it. Sing this song. The fellowship, the fellowship of the legume. That is what we're going to. We are In this weird tomb That's the church We remember when we fall

Somehow because of Samsey's role His ballad moves you to tears He sings a beautiful In intricate tale Of love and loss Of the passage of time That leads all living things to death

In sacred places Like this one to ruin He sings of heroes And deeds long forgotten He sings of the ways love grows stronger in grief and the way beauty becomes sublime with age. Dream of californication.

He sings of californication. The afternoon sun moves lower and lower. A glint of light catches your eye. And you notice that the sun passing through the hole in the stained glass coin has landed on a small brass circle in the stone wall you didn't notice before. Uh-oh.

Here we go again. The brass circle protrudes from the wall slightly, and looks just like the coin in the window. Hmm. Hmm. Huh. Well, we'll probably head home.

Yeah, got to get that brunch. What sorcery is this? I'll reach out and touch the coin. All right, Quario reaches out and touches the coin. With a soft grinding sound, the brass circle recedes into the wall. and a slim door opens, revealing a staircase down into the darkness.

At the base of the staircase is a small room lit with an otherworldly blue light, emanating from a stone statue of a robed figure. The statue is depicted holding the branch of a tree as one might hold a sword. At the base of the statue is a small plaque in a language you do not understand. zeroless xertyum mamako enrette in front of the figure is an unadorned chest there is no visible lock as you kneel to inspect the chest the blue light grows brighter and a ghostly apparition steps out of the statue by rouros he peers at you with curiosity long have i waited in the space between for someone to find this place. There are none

living who know of our order. But thou have found me nonetheless. Perhaps one of thou has been chosen to take up the mantle. But first I ask thee, be thee fresh, or be the whack.

What the cruck does that? What is that? I've never heard these words. One sounds vaguely good. Okay, you know what? Never mind. Thou must prove thy worth by answering these three riddles. Normally, I'm a pretty good judge of character, so this is more or less a formality,

but thou canst never be too sure. So, again, everyone in my order is long dead. The stakes are very high here, so I have to sort of follow the rules. How many visitors do you have? You got riddles for us now? None. It's been centuries. Okay.

It just sounds like you're more new friends. Seems like you'd be happy to see us. Do you want the riddles or not? Let's hit it. Yes, let's... We'll take a crack. out with your riddles. I love a good puzzle.

Spirit. What shrinks the more it is filled? My stomach. Your stomach? Correct. I also would have accepted space. Space shrinks the more it is filled. But yes, it's good, good, good, good job, good job.

Close. The riddle number two. What may break thy bones? But are not stones? Words? Space again? Words? No, no.

Stuff? No, words. And stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Six. Yes, sticks, good. Correct. Yes, and to your credit, yes, there are a ton of correct answers to the question. You need a riddle that is falsified.

I was referring to a well-known rhyme, and you don't. A bone is like a stick. Bones and stones may break my bones. You saw me launch that goblin. You broke bones. I mean, look, listen, I heard what was going on out there. It sounded like a skeleton colliding with a guy that killed him. So, yeah.

It sounds like a bone broke some bones. Yeah, okay. Riddle number three. Sure. What must be cleaned before it can be washed. What's sinful soul, you must cleanse your. yourself of any impurities before you can truly wash in the radiance of Rodos the sunlight. Okay, relax. No, that's wrong. Don't tell me to relax. Do not tell him to relax.

A lot of dishes you have to scrape before you wash them. Yeah. What? What did you say? Dishes? You get scrape them before you wash them. Yes. Yes. Yes, Halfling, correct. What? Okay. You must clean a plate before it can be washed. Now are now official members of the clean plate club. That was right. Wow, that was long shot. Fate and the space have brought the year. The apparition

crosses his arms and the chest creaks open. The same pale blue light that fills the room spills out of the chest. Inside the chest is a single branch identical to the stone version that the statue holds.

The apparition takes a deep sigh and a look of peace washes over him. Who shall take this, my ancient weapon? Who shall carry my teachings on to others? Stick? No, I didn't ask for your judgment here. I asked who which of the six of you is going to take this. I'm afraid I am sworn to Rodos the Sunlighter.

I already have who's its and what's its galore, so not I. Well, we didn't have any potty favor, so I think maybe we break it up into pieces. No, please don't. Everyone takes a chunk, no, makes a necklace. No, no, no, no. One of you must choose. Hmm. Petra?

It's like a parting gift, because she didn't have sex with that guy. Yeah. All right. All right, oh, takey. Petra steps up to the chest and removes the stick from it. The blue glow grows brighter as Petra wields the stick. The apparition speaks. My weapon is yours now.

Weald it wisely. My task is fulfilled. We shall meet again in the space between. There is always room in the footbag circle. Farewell. The apparition disappears. The room turns dark. Petra holds the stick as it glows brighter.

And she puts the stick inside of her, uh, uh, uh, I don't know garment of some kind Yeah, okay She would she wear it For her sex I mean she's like a Yeah

A loose robe What kind of adventure is this It's a religion in it The seven of you Exit The secret room And out into the nave And walk

Through the goblin Lair and out into the Bright sunlight Yeah Well you sort of have to Step over the curses. You exit the rough wooden door as the sunlight just disappears over the mountains. Petra seems to be some sort of mantle bearer of this religion you've never heard of.

Surely it could not possibly compete with that of Roros, the Sunlight. No, of course. I think in thousands of years, people definitely still going to be chatting about Rodos and not whatever the sticks about. Yes, thank you, Larry. Larry, I have heard much of you, but meeting you in person, I find you most agreeable. Hands off, he's taken. Yeah, I'm married now. Not in that way.

I am sworn to a life of chastity. Really? Your witty banter continues as you walk back through the forest towards West Clamley. And those mimosas? Yes, of course. And Dwayne the Ork Johnson, easily carrying the whole cask of orange ale and. the crate of all the garfons. You return them to

Scrimp, crimply, whose name I barely remember. And you climb into your beds at the three Fons Inn, Larry's sleeping. Your day. It's your day. No, no, it's nighttime. This took a long time. Oh, okay. Climbing into your beds at the three Fons

in, Larry's sleeping, curled up like a dog in front of the fireplace, because the inn is full. My wedding bed is by myself on the fireplace? Next to his poodle. We're in the fire. Larry, we're in a fight. Readying yourselves for the next Lagumi's adventure.

Yay. Until next time. Any final words from Petra? No. We did it, guys. We did. We made it. That was fun.

Very fun. Folks, thanks so much for listening to this final one-shot podcast. We hope you enjoyed the Lagumi's adventure. we will see you next time when we release episode one of the young old Derve Chronicles. See you in December. Thanks for listening. Goodbye.

Bye.