Mission To Zyxx - The Ballad of the Battle of the Band of the Bards

Episode Date: April 9, 2026

In the newest installment of our Legumies DnD adventure, we answer the question on everyone's* lips: What has Samesies been up to this whole time? *Samesies' Mom To suggest weird NPC names and help make the show possible, join us at maximumfun.org/join And thanks to Rocket Money for sponsoring! Lovingly researched and sound-described transcripts are embedded in every episode page on missiontozyxx.space!  Lovingly researched and sound-described transcripts are embedded in every episode page on missiontozyxx.space!

Welcome back, listeners to Mission to D6. We're in the role-playing game from the ass end of the galaxy. We're in episode four now. Everybody, we met Glorificus, the wizard. That was revealed that he had many secrets. He is not that. Yes. He's a liar.

You guys are en route to adventure with him. But someone's been missing from the last couple episodes, and that is Sam's the Bard. Welcome back, Winston. Hello. Glad to be back. And, you know, rather than throwing you right into the fire, Winston, I thought maybe today it would be fun to see what Samsiz has been up to all this time. If you guys remember, Legumi's Sam's Version. Yes.

Samsies was at an open mic night at Open Michaels. Yes. Michael has an open house every week or every few weeks. And Samcies was committed to that. Also, Muzon and Alie are out tonight, so I think the stars have aligned for us to do something a little. little different. So everybody, if you have a D6, go ahead and roll it. I rolled six. Six. Six. Fiverr for me. Three for me. Justin, for this session, you are Quinn Timorin, a level four elf bard, also attending the Open Michael's Night. Justin, you are a graduate of the College of Glamour.

Yes. Sequins. Seth. Yes. You are snorly snithers, a level three, dragon-born bard. graduate of the College of Dance. Jeremy, you are Dranch Fressing, a level six human bard, graduate of College of Valor. So this is an all-barde session today. Oops-all-Bards? Oops-all-Bards. The Bards are back in time. And Seth, that makes you Bunker-Doodle, a level-3 Dwarven Bard graduate of the College of Lore.

Winston, you are also playing Bunster Fritzation. a level two Goliath bard. And finally, Justin, you are playing Hogler Max Beef, who is not a bard. Sure. So, welcome. We join in the midst of a lively,

if a little bit sad, open Michael Knight. Currently, Dranch Fressing is standing in front of the fireplace. Regaling the stage was. Regaling the smattering of audience members here. Is this like a more stand-up

bards open mic, I'm more of a character bard. It's just any and all barred stuff. It's definitely... So let me give you a kind of rundown of what is going on here. So, Sam'sies, you can see yourself sitting there. You're sitting there at the table. Getting ready to go up.

You're on the list. Dranch is up giving a performance. Maxine Pickles has also already performed. O'Dar and Quinn Timran are sitting at the bar together. Quinn, you have already performed, but you completely bombed. And now you and O'Don. are having, you're just getting shit hammered over here at the

bar together. Can I ask, was it a material thing, or was it the performance? Was it like, the crowd, maybe is that fault here? Well, you know, this is it a bad crowd? Just tell me, is it bad crowd we got in here in our hands? I mean, it's all barred, so it's... All barred

crowd? Oh, come on. Well, it's an open, it's open Michaels. There's no real audience. Yeah, Bunkardoodle is just grabbing a drink. He and Snorley Snithers are friends, so Bunker Doodle is going to up over there at the bar. Over in this private room over here, you can see that Bunster Fritzation

is performing for the Max Beef family. For Hogler Max Beef's birthday, it's a little private room there for Hogler Max Beef and his family. Candice, Jiminy, and Cindy Lou Max Beef. By the way, I just want to pull over and remind everybody, thank you to our supporters over on Discord for suggesting most of these ridiculous bar names.

Cindy Lou Max Beef. Also over here, just a couple squares. north of Dranch is the one person who actually showed up did not, did not plan to perform, really just coming to take in a show, which, bless her. Rodos bless her. And her name is commoner. Commoner. Commoner.

We don't actually know her name. She doesn't really, she's a very private person. You know what? Good for her. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to just kind of check in with everybody. Let's start actually with Quinn, Timran, and Odar, commiserating over their terrible open mic sets.

Ugh, man. It wasn't that bad. I was trying out, see, I was trying out some new tune. Well, you gotta expand your range a little bit. You know, you got loot, you got flute, you got pan flute. Try something with a little, you know, punch, maybe a percussion instrument. You want me to add another instrument? Lute-flute pan flute's not enough? I'm just saying you come in. I'm hitting for the cycle here, Odar.

You gotta mix it up, you gotta wow them. You gotta surprise them, you know? I'm thinking it is shifting over to just crowdwork. Just crowdwork. Just crowdwork. That's tough in a room like this because we got one audience member. It's a crowd of one. So it's just person work, head to head, person to person.

You're describing a conversation. But if it's crowdwork, it's just sort of aggressive, I don't know, harassment, reverse heckling. I just feel like that's a better way to get noticed in this modern, like, barred world. You can't get like a big barred deal with one of the more larger institutes. You've got to just like really try to build up your reputation, get your followers popping. Your followers? The people physically follow you from- People that physically follow me around.

Yes, exactly. Listen, I don't know. Michael, can we get just one more shot over here, please? Drink up. Yeah, no problem there. And I'll pay for this shot with a song. I did you. I think you've proven that you cannot afford the drinks based on that.

Justin, what is your constitution modifier? Constitution minus one. Okay. So you're a real lightweight. I'm using a drunkenness system that I've located on the internet. Thanks, D&D subreddit. So you've had one drink, but your constitution modifier is minus one. So you already have a little bit of an effect on this.

No problem. You need a constitution. goal achieved. Failure on a Constitution save gives you one level of intoxication. What happened there? Quinn rolled 818. Oh, okay. All right, so you pass that test.

That's fine. Good job. Yeah. I'll take another. Oh, wow. Is that what happened? All right. All right.

Drink more? Oh, that's, well, okay. Go ahead and roll it again. I feel like you might roll with disadvantage on this one. Disadvantage? Well, if he's slamming another drink immediately. Yeah, you know what? Yeah.

I feel a lot of advantage when I order a back-to-back drink. Yeah, roll another one and take the lower of the two. I got a nine. He's already got a nine. All right. Wow, cool. Quinn, your aggression at your failed set has given you a little bit of extra boost. Confidence.

I take a con and turn it into confidence. All right, so Bunster is performing for Hoagler Max Beef, and you're just doing a little bit of magic or something. Ah, watch the coin. the coin. Okay. And is it behind your ear? What? What? What'd you do? I didn't do. What'd you do with that? Where'd you put it? Where's the coin? It's mine. Where's you put it? I put it behind your ear. I made it disappear and put it behind your ear. Where is it behind my ear right now? This is it in my hand? No, it's in my hand because it was behind

your ear and then I took it out. Wait, I would. Stop touching me. I'm not touching me. I didn't touch you. You touched you pulling stuff out of me. It was magic. What's in my nose? What's in my nose?

Do you want me to pull a coin out of your nose? I want you to pull what's in there out of there. No, that's not how it works. I pull the coin out of different places. I'm not going to pull things out of your nose. I still have my beard. baby teeth. What?

I still have all my baby teeth. I'm not pulling your baby teeth. Pull them. Listen. You want to know, the coins behind my fingers. It's his birthday. Pull him. Pull him.

Pulling his baby teeth. All of them. Listen, I'm 60. Will adult teeth grow in? What? Will I, my adult teeth grow finally. Everyone makes fun of my family, Cindy Lou. Candice, they'll mock me for having baby teeth.

They've got a baby mouth. I only still, I still eat drink milk. She has more adult teeth than me, my little Cindy Lou. Okay, well, that's not what I'm here to, I'm not here to pull you. I never had baby teeth. They're just straight to adult teeth. She took them from me. She took my adult teeth.

Well, what an interesting family the Max Beefs are. Listen, we're not here for a roast session. That's not a roast. No, do some of you. So wait, you do know magic or do? I do love a roast Max beef. of Mac beef. It's the roast of Max beef?

Jiminy, quiet, Jiminy. Great, let's go to Dranch Fressing. And I'm doing the You're in the middle of your open mic. Yes, listen to I. No, I sing, I do not.

I, drench Fressing, a bard of the College of Valor. I shall speak to you of battles past and how they will inspire you to greatness. Consider, of course, the battle of Flane Barlow. Surely you know the story. Flane Barlow?

Yes. No, we don't. I can tell you do not. And it shall be my great honor to share it with all of you. I have sailed the many seas of this land. And far from here I learned the story of Flane Barlow. A cautionary tale, but one rich in adventure. A lot of preamble.

Sorry, you got somewhere to be? Just get to it. We're already here. Get to the amble. Very well. Flane Barlow was a flailer. He had a mighty whip with, you know, metal ball, a spike ball at the end. He was swung around.

It was his weapon of choice. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I haven't gotten to it yet. You sort of threw me off with the heckles, but that's okay. This is a flail town where we manufacture flails here. You don't need to just get to, we know what flares are. This is a flail town. Oh, boy, I wish I had known that. The sports teams are all flail related.

Oh, oh, no. It's the Maxby flails? The Maxby, exactly. Well, the Maxby is one of the champs. Oh, boy. Okay. Count to chance. All right, then a lot of this flail stuff is going to seem sort of redundant.

You know how you're not supposed to swing a flail too close to your head? Yes, of course. My uncle lost his head of the flail. I'll be honest, a flail in other parts of the world is sort of a rare case weapon, and so this tail has a little more surprise to it. Is that what happened to him? Did he just do that? Yeah, he knocked himself clean unconscious with the flail.

He really had that bad boy humming. And it's a tale of valor? Well, you know, he launched himself into battle, and he knocked out many, but then was in such a state where he was really swinging it around, but he brought it a little too low in that last rotation, just sort of brained himself, knocked himself straight to the ground. What a technical's tail. Is it technical to knock yourself out? Is that considered technical? Is it Michael in charge of the torch that lets them know when their time is up? I'm not seeing the torch.

The red lantern? No, I think I've got it. I think I'm okay. Okay. He's still got five minutes. Oh, perfect. Yes, great. Well, all right.

So, so Flane is in, you know, the thick of it. He's swinging his. Five minutes. You already told us what happened. You know, I let everyone else have their time, I'd like to say.

And there was very, I was pretty generous about some of them. Quinn, especially, that, you know, there was some bagpiping that I found a little objectionable, and I don't think I made such a stink about it. It's a controversial instrument. It had less to do with the instrument choice and more with the player, is all I'm saying. Damn!

Who is Bunker Doodle? All right, that's me. Okay. Bunker Doodle is getting a... I shall continue in the background. Bunker Doodle is getting a drink from Michael. the bar and Samseys is going over his set list. And they both have yet to go up.

So they're just talking about what they're going to do. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I definitely am not going the lore route. Yes, it feels like that one's taken. Yeah. I'm a little worried that a lot of my songs do deal with spring. Oh. You know, I just like spring songs.

And, you know, it's a lot of that. I don't know if it's going to go over well. Well, it's not that many minutes, so you could do, they won't notice. Do a couple of spring songs. No, there could, who knows who could be in the audience, you know? I'm pretty clear that one lady is. Yeah, and who knows she could be, you know, an emissary for a king or a lord? Is she?

I don't think so, but she could be. And then that means a contract to play. And, you know, that's why I come to these. Commoner? Commoner? Yes. Are you here scouting? I'm not here to talk to anyone.

I don't like audience interaction. I just want to have a drink and enjoy the show. Sam'sies, I think this is a yes. I think that the commoner is here scouting for some sort of a more impressive sort of festival. Oh, I can't wait to tell my friends about this. Because when I said I was going to open Michaels, they said, well, there's no point in going to. those. And I said, no. Who knows who could be in the audience? And I was right. Absolutely. This is your night, Sam'sies. This is my night. We will look back on this night and say, that is when

Khammer discovered Samcies. I can't wait to become famous and rub it in my friend's faces. Book it and Quariel, you thought you were so much better than old Samcies, but look at me. Yes, and your friend Bunker-Doodle will be next to you. Uh, okay. Sure. We've just met. Oh, sure. Forgetting about the little people already. Great. So let's go over to Maxine Pickles and Snorley Snithers. So Maxine and Snorley have begun gambling over here at the table. So Maxine is a real gambling addict, but she's got a lot of money.

So you stand to win a lot of money from this Snorley, if you so choose. Excellent. Of course. This is five gold pieces. So if you roll two D6, and if you get a seven or a 12, you win 15 gold pieces. Oh. I've rolled an eight. Okay, well, don't lose hope because if you double your bet, you get one more D6, which you can roll to get to 12. Can I bet on the polymarket of this?

Oh, no. Snorley will go for it. So I have it. Who is you, Justin? Who are you? Is that Quinn Timmerin? Yeah, Quinn. All right, so move your character over to the

over to the table. Maxine looks at you. You want to set up a side bet? What's going on? You want to play? You want to set up a side bet. I'm just doing aside. I'm just betting on the odds.

I'm not confident enough to bet, so I like to bet on other people's activities and world events. Well, that is still a bet. Hey, I saw you set, by the way, real bad. Yeah. Thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate it.

Yeah. You guys mind if I score this gambling session with a little pen? Okay, sure, I guess. I would not mind if my victory against magazine pickles is scored with your fruit. All right, very well. Now, listen, Snorley, you're going to double your better, you're going to play again. Absolutely.

I did not sit down here to retreat after one silly roll. Here comes another one. You said it's two to more D6, and I'm just trying to get straight up 12. So you can either double your bet. So it's five gold pieces. If you add another five gold pieces, you get one more dye to roll. Okay. Or you can start over with...

And I'm trying to get exactly 12. Yeah. Yes, I will put in another five gold pieces into the kitty. And I'll put five down that he doesn't get it. And roll I do. Okay. Oh, two. That two.

That is a ten. So sorry. So I won, where does my money come from? Good question. Did I lose 10 gold just then? Yes, yes. Oh my God, that's a lot. It's a lot to lose on one dice roll, I guess.

All right, you got enough money to play one more time? I think you got the hang of it. Looking back on this game, the odds are terrible. Well, I mean, for 10, you can win 10 gold pieces. Sure, that has nothing to do with the odds. odds of winning. What about you, Quinn? I have 30. I have 30. I was throwing it around.

All right, here, I'll tell you what. You put in one gold piece. I'll double it if he loses. How does that sound? Petting against him. Yes, that's my kind of fun. Okay, I guess I'll play one more time, but let me take... Michael, another shot. I'm going to whistle up my courage here, liquefy my fears, and then...

Liquefy your fears. of years. Yes. You guys take shots. Do you both do your Constitution? Yeah. Roll your Constitution saving throw. Yep.

I rolled an 11. I rolled a 4, but it came up as 3 because of my negative 1. Oh, wow. Okay. So you're fine, Snorley. Excellent. So now you have disadvantage on ability checks, Justin. Great.

That's the price of alcohol. Frequently, yes. I shall roll again to win the gold pieces back. All right, two D6. Maxine Pickles, I believe you should kiss your gold pieces goodbye upon this roll of...

Nine. Would you like to add another five gold pieces for a third dye? Yes, I would. I'm fortified by this last drink, and I have 12 gold pieces to my name, and one D6, and I shall roll a three.

Hey! But at least you got Quinn a single gold piece. Good job, everybody. Quinn. I'm a leech. I'm a public leech. Well, I would like, if I can, I'd really like to try to steal my money back from Maxine. Sure, great.

I'd like to try to. I don't know if old Snorley has any slight of hand abilities, but I did add the cantrip minor illusion and the first level spelled charm person. Okay. And I think I could trying to decide if I should create an illusion, try to charm her out of, into like leaving her purse there for a moment and trusting me. Okay.

I think I'm just going to first attempt a sleight of hand to actually act like I'm going back to the bar and lift it. All right. So that's a dex check. So the 10 that you just lost is still sitting on the table on Maxine's side. So that's the easiest for. you to grab but her little pouch with the gold in it is on her side which is further away from you but is not in her direct line of vision so um which one do you want to try to take i want to try to take

the pouch the whole pouch yeah okay i'm going to call that a DC 17 so go ahead and go ahead and roll that right here we go oh oh nice 16 plus six okay so uh you get up excuse yourself to the... Pardon me, Maxine. I have to go the little dragonborn's room. Hey, you're going to go get a drink. Come back. We'll play a little more. Yes, I think I have some more money somewhere.

Great, great, good. And you have successfully stolen Maxine's purse containing 56 gold pieces. Wow. All right, so you head to the bar. And do I just say, now I add 56 gold pieces to my... Yep. He's just going to go hang out at the bar?

You're going to have to She's going to realize it at some point And actually You know what, Quinn Why don't you roll a DC 14 Perception check So I want to see if you saw that Yeah, good, good

I was just thinking the same thing 15 Nice 15 But you're a little bit drunk Which means that you have disadvantaged So you got to roll again Take the lower of the two Oh, even in your drunken state

you notice that Snorley Cunes. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey. Why? Maxine goes, what? What? What's hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

That guy just snuck in here. He took your pouch. Don't do, don't do me like that. He took your pouch. Quinn. Don't do me like that. He did not. That's not possible.

He took your pouch. I saw him. I was looking at the ground because I'm depressed. What the truck? And I saw his little snobled. their hands move through. Maxine walks over to the thing and yells interrupting Dranch's valor-filled speech. Hey, Snorley!

I saw what you did! We all saw it. Can I try to place it near Bunker Doodle so it looks like, so I can get rid of the evidence and pawn it off on him? Sure, that's also a sleight of hand check. So I think that's actually two checks, because that's slight a hand to get it next to him without anybody seeing. Yeah, actually.

But it's also a deception check, which is much harder. Actually, I think maybe for the sake of, maybe for the sake of this, I'm going to try to put it on samecies. Okay, great. Perfect. Yeah. So on the way back to the table, you sort of dropped it next to his table. Yeah, when she's calling out, I want to, I want to, like, I guess she started yelling

at me before I got to the bar and I'm here, and I'm going to try to, like, hang it on his stool and, like, he did it. The perfect crime. So that's... Hanging on his stool. Yeah, that's a DC-10 slide-a-hand check because that requires almost no skill,

so you can just go ahead and take that one. But the real test is a DC-20 deception check, which you're really going to have to sell this story since he's been sitting in the same spot for like 20 minutes. Okay. DC-20 deception check? Yeah. Oh, maybe 19 plus one.

All right, great. So what do you say to successfully deceive these people? Everybody's kind of looking, everybody is looking over at the two of them accusing you, and then they turn around and kind of look at you, that whole par has gone quiet. Maxine and Quinn, did you, I'm not the only person who just brushed by you.

Did you not see this other bard slide by the table just now? Who me? Let's pat him. down. Maxine, what does your pouch look like? Is it this? It was, it was same zees. Oh, Snorley, my old friend, how could I accuse you like that? Wait, what? Bard fight, Bard fight. Bard fight. Let's fight Maxine. Let's fight these bards. And Maxine, I shall tell you, I will accept a finder's fee if you're so generous to give it, but I would like you to have all of your gold back.

if it were up to me, except whatever you deign to give to snorly snithers of a thank you. Saveses, do you have a rebuttal here or any kind of way of getting out of this? Everybody's getting a little bit. Bunker-Doodle has gotten off of his stool. Maxine and Quinn are sort of approaching you. And dranch-freszing, she was just about to reach the climax. The commoner looks at you with like a sad old lady's sort of tis-tiske-tiske head shake. Not the commoner.

No. Scout. Can I, I have a plus four persuasion. Can I say like, I, I, I've been seated here the entire time going over my songs. I haven't left this table. The pouch is on your stool, bro. Anyone can hang a pouch on a stool. Apparently so.

All right, let's go ahead. Let's a DC-15 persuasion check. Oh, 18. So, go ahead and finish your speech. It seems easy. So don't be stupid, all of you. This is stupid. That's sort of a real way to finish.

Condescending. He clearly, I'm right, but he clearly walked from this table where he took the bag to here and then dropped the bag. Normally, I would take umbrage to that, but we have been, we have been a little bit stupid. That was, of course, Snorley was right here a minute ago and saves you've been there for 20 minutes. That's right. Dransfreshning has been going on. for at least that amount of time. How dare you?

How dare you, sir? Yes, actually, let's all turn our attention. I've only begun to tell the tale of flane Barlow. We all know how flails work. It's a flail town. It plays better in a different... I didn't realize it was a poor choice for this region. Ironically, Dranch is the one who's flailing.

Am I right? Am I right, everybody? Yes, yes, everyone. Let's all listen to Dranch, for that thing. Oh, that hurts. Pylon. Everyone will tell this tale about how Dranch flailed, you know? Please, sir, please, I can take no more of your jeeps.

What are you going to respond with, Seth? Oh, now I want to go back to Maxine and cast charm person on Maxine to try to get her back on my side. Great, great, great. All right, love it. So you're going to charm Maxine. At this point, you might need to do that to the whole bar, but I'm really excited to see how this goes. So Maxine has been persuaded by you then shown irrefutable evidence, and now you're trying to cast magic on her to convince her back to where she was.

One humanoid you can see within range makes a wisdom saving throw. It does so with advantage. Oh, no. Okay, okay. The odds are not great. So, yeah, okay, so it's with advantage. Okay, so I'm going to roll for that. 2D20.

Oh, boy. I think you convinced me. Wait, wait, what did you roll? I rolled two D20s, but they were both sixes, and I have a minus one to wisdom. Yeah, so he blew it. Yeah, so Maxine looks deep into your eyes and looks around and says, I think he's telling the truth. I'm a good judge of character, and I think he's telling the truth. I'm sorry, Snorley.

I really shouldn't, I really shouldn't have doubted you. Listen, Maxine, what's happening? I forgive you. Does money float out of your hands to the stool? No, no, no. But look, look at this reptilian face. How can you not trust a face like this? All right.

I think we should probably murder Sam'sies. If we're going to murder anybody, it's got to be Sam'sis. Let's get Samcies. This is the bard fight I've been after since I got rejected by this crowd for my song about my horse. That song barely described that horse. it was more of a pastiche a pastoral pastiche a pastoral pastiche

Maxine is not in a position to fight or she's not willing to fight so it's going to be up to you guys whether you're going to be. I guess I could hang back and see what so after charming Maxine you just sort of I have an instinct

I mean here's what I want to like a smugly nod around it everybody in the bar but what I want to do is to approach Samse's and suggest we split it. Okay, great, great, great. But you are

you're sneaking. You're sneaking around the splitting with Stacey. I'll say this. No, I just heard you guys wanted to murder me and you said yes. No, no, no, no, no. I did not say that. I said no. All I want to do is from one night

where I'm not fighting or you know, using rhythm and blues to stab where I just play spring lilies in the day pond and everyone likes it. That's all I want. Spring lilies in the day pond. Let's stop right. Let me hold you right there. The doors burst open

and an enormous bug bear breaks down the doors. The bug bear sort of looks around the bar and picks out samis and he points at you and he says with tears in his eyes. That's the one. That's the one who insulted me in the ancient temple.

Coming in the door next to him is a creepy, wayfish wizard type. She's very pale and she's very serious looking. And none of you would have any reason to know this, but her name is Thespidopia. And behind her two robed kind of student-looking people come in. She said, you, where are your friends? To you, Sam'sies.

Else, this is kind of a me night. This was supposed to be sort of... What is this? What is this? It's an open... It's a place where artists can gather, and it's an exchange of ideas. The way you're doing a performance

and your friends didn't come? I didn't tell them because I didn't want them to come. I only told Book it, but it's an important night for me, and I just really do. didn't want to have to do this. Samsey jumps off the table and Barry's blues into the bug bear. Whoa, all right.

Wow. Yeah, now we're talking. All right, great. So surprise attack on the bug bear. I didn't see that coming. I have a plus six acrobatics. That's the point. Yeah.

Great. All right. So you get a free attack and then we all roll for initiative. Yeah. Okay. And I, do I get an extra from jumping off the table? I'll give you an advantage on that. There you go.

Oh, nice. Oh, it's a 24. That's a hit, baby. I don't care what is it. No need to roll advantage on that. So that's a natural 20, so that means you get a double damage. Wow. Okay, and then I.

Wow. Okay. So that is 1118. I am all I wanted. was one night where I could play Spring Lily's in the Day Pond It's old, it's kind of a creaky old tune Who is this guy?

What does that happen? All right, so everybody is going to roll for initiative. Ironically, the highest initiative goes to Snorley. Wait, Snorley, you can do whatever you want. Yes, yes. Snorley is going to try to complete his escape. Wow.

And on the way, can I try to pick pocket? Robblerp. Wow. Wow. I think you can. So you can move into the spaces with them, but as soon as you try to move out of the spaces next to them, they get a chance to get you. Oh, okay.

All right. So are you going to try to do that? I'm going to try to get past them. Yeah, I'm going to try to run out. All right. So you're going to do it. Run out. Do I lose?

anything by trying to pickpocket bestvenopia on the way I'm gonna if you're gonna also try to get by them I'm gonna call that a 20 DC 20 slide a hang okay yeah that's not gonna be easy all right I'm just gonna try to get out with my goal I don't know what this weird weird person has on them anyway I'm gonna I'm just gonna try to flee all right cool so what do we get as parting shots just a standard attack on him but like basically this is outside of initiative like they just get to like oh geez but that's anyone within

range that he moves through. So it's basically going to be everyone except for maybe this Griffin act like one of the Griffin accolades, but the bugbear, the other acolyte, is, is Thespidopia part of that crew as well? Yes, yes. Then all three of them get to attack him. Oh, God. Great. So what's your armor class, Snorley? 12. Okay. Thespadopia misses and actually as she as she swings at you, a few gold coins drop out her pocket. Does she have a critical fail? You rolled a critical failure. You didn't even try to pick pocket or hit, and you got raised those up. You got, you got three

gold coins added to that. Griffin Acolyte does hit you for five damage, and the bug bear hits you for 11. All right, so where are you down to now? Seven. Seven. All right. How much

movement range do you have? 30 feet. You're clear. You're out of here if you want to escape. I made it. What a scumbag. Who is this guy? All right, Dranch pressing. You see him scooping up coins

and his way out of the door? He's getting stabbed. He's scooping up coins. Grinch pressing is next. Okay, cool. I feel like Dranch has been watching all of this and he sees these people come in and like he doesn't know what the situation is,

but he knows all these bards and he doesn't know these weirdos and they seem aggressive. And so, Dranche says to himself, This is not the bard way. How dare you come into a place of peace and art. You face a bard of valor.

So he is going to cast. He has like a small like battle horn at his side. Okay. He's going to pull that out and blow it. And that's how he casts the spell shatter, which is basically just like a huge boom that hits everyone in a sphere. Whoa. Okay.

He's a level six bar. I don't know why he's so much higher. He's legit. He's legit. But like, he's going to center it like here on the door. And so it should, it will hit everyone. It might hit samezies, but he's willing to risk it. Great.

So they have to make a con save. Like they only take, they take half if they pass the concept, but they still take at least half of 14 damage. So it's either 14 or seven, depending on whether they pass the con save. Okay. So it'll also probably blow the doors clean off this bar. The DC is 13 based on my magic. Okay. So everybody passed it except the bug bear.

And the bug bear had already taken a lot of damage from Sam'sies. Yeah, yeah. The bug bear is dead. Woof. Quinn, your turn. Can I order a drink or is a... Let's go on with a bar. You can order a drink.

Yeah, I'll get a shot. All right. You have just enough room to get over to the bar, so move yourself over there. And Michael timidly puts his shot up on the bar for you. And you can drink as an action. So that's a Constitution saving throw. Oh, okay. Now you're level two drunk, which means you, your speed is halved due to dizziness,

and you hit disadvantage on saving throws. All right. That's my whole turn? Yeah, your movement was to go to the bar, and your action was to have a shot. I stand by him. Congratulations. Just before Michael's turn, through this window here, bursts a giant eagle who breaks this window and comes crashing through

and attacks Maxine Pickles. Jeez. What? In his talons. Surprise. Yeah. Nox her to the ground. Dangerous.

Risky move of her an eagle. Go into a bar. Quite the birthday this is turning out to be for old Hoagler Max beef. All right. Next. Michael is going to run into the next room to hide after giving Quinn his shot.

All right. The Griffin Acolyte attacks Samseys. Oh, he misses you. Yay. And the next one does the same thing. And he also misses you. Oh, geez. Thespadopia is next.

Thespadopi is going to cast firebolt at Samseys. Hits you with a firebolt, but it's not very effective. Three damage to you, Sameses. Wow. All right. Samsies, it's your turn. So I attack Thesodopia. Yeah, if you want to attack, go for it.

With blues. I forgot about the names. Rhythm and blues. 15. Okay, so that's a hit. Yeah. And so 1D4. Four. Great. Bunkardoodle. What's your plan, Bunker Doodle? Bunker Doodle is going to run where Michael ran.

Okay, into the back room. Yeah. I thought Bunker Doodle had my back. One, two, three, four, five, six. Okay, you can basically get right to the door. All right, we're back to the top of the initiative order, and Dranch Fressing, Jeremy, you are up. What would you like to do? He seems very committed to his repudiation of these interlopers.

So he's going to cast vicious mockery on one of the Acolytes. Oh, okay, great, which one on the left or the one on the right? Let's say the one closer to him. Okay. And Dranch is like, you Acolytes, scattering faster than the footmen at the Battle of Trefell. They're famous for how quickly they spread afterwards, but a minor convenience. Eight. Oh, I don't.

I fail. Oh, the accolades face turns beat red and he turns away from you in shame. The positive shame. Oh, and that's nine. Shame damage. Shame damage, yikes. That's my other band. Wow.

Ouch. Yeah, oh, right, because Duranche is level six, so his vision. He's legit. He's legit. He's more effect. Yes, it's quite effective. What a great comeback from your flailing flail commentary. Yeah.

Had you but given me the time to. Nothing like a story needs is more time. And strange are you? Stories require 10 to 50 minutes. Are you making a movement? Are you making a movement as well? No, he's going to, he's going to stay put. Because he's also, he's got the stage.

So I feel like it gives him extra, extra power in his mockery. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. Since you're on this stage, I'm going to give you a plus one to any future attempts from there on any of your barred abilities. Yeah, that bonus is called, What Else? What else? Quinn, Timran, you are next. What's your move? I'll cast charm person.

Oh, okay, sure, great. Who are you going to charm? The accolade, the closest accolade. Okay, the other one on the right, okay. This guy's got to make a wisdom-saving threat. row. So I got a roll at 12 or better, but I get advantage. A one and a 10. You have charmed the acolyte. I've seen it from Dust Dill Dawn when the woman puts her foot in Quentin Tarantino's mouth and he's never been happier. That's what he did too. Oh, come on. That's not, don't make me think about, I don't want to hear that. Don't make me think about that.

That happened in that movie. No, I know, but I still don't want to hear about it. Yeah. All right. So I'm friendly to you. open to persuasion. That's why I'm putting my foot in your mouth. Okay. All right. So you go over and put your foot in the acolyte's mouth. Walk down the bar stools.

Oh, wow, on top. Okay, so you hop off the bar stools, go over and put your foot in the acolyte's mouth. And he looks at you sort of aghast and then sort of looks over at his compatriots and thinks, what am I doing? Putting my life at risk for these people. I could be doing this all the time with Quinn Timmer.

this charming young bard. This charming luteist. Great. Meanwhile, the giant eagle, the eagle swoops in. He tried to attack Maxine Pickles who hid under the dining table up here. But with one powerful talon, the eagle rips the table up,

revealing Maxine Pickles and makes an attack here. Oh, oh boy. The eagle grabs Maxine and its talons and the talents just go right through her midsection. She has this blood-curdling scream. Everybody in the bar looks up and sees what's happening. It's pretty grim.

Next. That's awful. Snorley snithers. Or he would be next if he hadn't run away on his last turn with a sack of gold. He pilfered it, lied about it, took off. Not great. But you know what that says to me? That says to me that maybe Snorley is a little bit insoling.

is a little bit insecure about the state of his personal finances. Wouldn't you agree? And that would be my advice to Snorley, and to you, whether you regularly steal gold coins or not. Get on top of your personal finances. It's important. That's why I recommend Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions.

monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. You're not a scaly, snake-faced charlatan and a medieval. countryside, you have access to technology and also a sort of ethical compass when it comes to dealing with people, hopefully. So unlike Snorley, you can use modern technology to take advantage of Rocket Money's automatic transaction categorization across all of your accounts, plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns and add context. You know, you might get an alert on your phone that said, hey, you just lost 10 gold pieces to a goblin. Or, hey, the hospital bills for that eagle laceration are really going to rack up. So, you know, that kind of organization

and personalized insights can really help you save your money for what's important. Also, it's much simpler than I'm describing it. The Rocket Money app consolidates your checking, your savings, your loans, your investments into a single dashboard to give you a clear view of your financial picture. So be better than Snorley in so many ways. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash Zix. That's rocketmoney.com slash zy-xx, rocketmoney.com slash zix. Okay. Snorley's turn is done.

Now, the Griffin Acolyte is next. Winston, this accolite is going to point his staff at you and cast Hold Person, which will freeze you for up to a minute if it's successful. You have to roll a wisdom-saving throw of 11 or better. Okay. Oh. Nice. All right.

Nice job. Not today. It does not take. The other Griffin Acolyte looks over at his buddy and he's like, hey man, what are we doing? These guys seem cool. What's the, why you just relax? It's just relax. What if we just, this is a cool, it seems like this bar has a good vibe.

What if we all just got to drink? Next is Thespidopia. Thespidopio looks over at the charmed Griffin Acolyte and rolls her eyes in disgust. What if she roll? Yeah. What? Yeah, she rolls two, a two on eyes. Oh, yeah, two.

She raises her staff and casts cone of cold. It's a fifth level spell slot at Samseys, the Griffin Acolyte, and Quinn Timoran, which means all three of you need to make a Constitution saving throw 11 or better. Whoa. Whoops. Oh, no. Oh, no. Okay.

I had a plus one, though, so I... The Acolyte and Quinn Timoran, what did you roll? Oh, okay. So, samezies. You are hit full on. You're standing on the table, so you're sort of an easy target. Uh-huh. On a failed save, 8D8 cold damage.

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 33. What's your, uh, HP? I, 17. Yeah, that's going to kill. 17. The cone of cold rips through your body, freezing every molecule of it into a, a pillar of ice.

And as this, as the ice crystals are, are going up your neck and going into your brain, you hear Thespadopia walking towards you and saying, and now we shall have the, And that's the last thing you hear before everything goes black. Griffin, Akelyte, and Quinn Timran, you only take half, 16 cold damage. Okay. No problem.

Do I get any, because I was the warmth of the alcohol in my body? You know what? I will say it, if there's a mitigated success on trying to thaw you out, we'll give it a little boost. How about the St. Bernard barrels? That's what really helpful. Exactly. Exactly. Well, I'm super glad Seth left. The patrons of the bar look on in horror as Samseys is reduced to a steaming icicle perched atop this table.

And next is Quinn Timmerin. You've got your frozen foot in the Griffin Acolyte's frozen mouth, but you're still barely hanging on. What's your plan? I think we got to attack Thespidopia, right? Do whatever you want. I don't have any good magic either. In your inventory, Justin, you've got a lantern oil and a tender box, which would create a lot of heat if you so desired.

Oh. Can I throw the oil and use the tinderbox at the same time? Yeah, I'll let you do that. I'll say it's a DC-12, but with disadvantage, and we'll see how you do. So roll two D-20s. Okay. And I'm going to say it's a dexterity check. Oh, okay.

So 15 is the lowest one. That's going to do it. Dang. So you take your... Telling the dice how to roll. That's where you go to the bar and get a shot before you get. You take out the oil and you spray it all over the Acolyte and Sam'sys and let a rip with your Tenderbox.

The Acolyte and Samsies are engulfed in flame. So the acclite has to make a DC8 saving throw. He succeeds. So the flaming oil only serves to warm him up a little bit, which he really appreciates because he's in love with you. And the fire on Sam's table, you can see it's slowly starting to melt this pillar of ice that Sam'sesies is encased in.

But he still doesn't look like he's doing all that well. Next is the giant eagle who's going to just absolutely eviscerate Maxine Pickles with its powerful talons just rips this poor goblin bard in half spewing blood and guts everywhere around the table up there. The eagle drops both halves

of Maxine's corpse and turns his eyes towards the group of adventures by the door of the tavern. Next. The thing with an open mic night is you're either kill and or dying. All right, back to Dranch Fressings' turn. Okay.

Boy, this is a rough sitch. Dranch, you got to come through. What a bloodbath at the open. I think now it's probably time for this. Dranch says, My friends, we shall not fall this easily on this day. Remember the categorians. And he casts mass healing word.

That sounds good. So everybody, Quinn, same zies, and I guess myself, but I don't think Dranch's hurt, are all going to gain. eight hit points. Nice. But not Thespadopia? You don't need to...

No, a healing word is like, it's only... It's up to six creatures that I designate. It's not a ball or anything. Great. I pick. Okay. Thank you, Dranch. So in addition to the melting around the base of the column of ice that Samseses is in,

Dranch's healing spell sort of pops the sort of helmet of ice around Samsey's head. And even though he looks pretty pretty... terrible he's looking around and definitely in better shape than he was before so everybody add your I guess technically I could give eight hit points back to Maxine Pickles if she's still alive no well she's in two pieces so

you give it a shot I guess you see like legs he'll half under a table uh same zies you're next you now have eight hit points uh you're still being bound by this column of ice but you can cast a spell

or do something physical to try to get out of your position if you want to. Can I just maybe cast vicious mockery at her? Sure. You certainly can. And should. And my save DC is 14. Wisdom saving throw?

Yeah. Yes. Okay, so it's 14 to Thespadopia. Oh, natural 20. No, no. Now I feel bad. Yeah. What do you say to try to mock Thespadopoeia?

I say you like, talk about an ice queen. That's the best you had? This is dranch. That's the best you had, sir? I was just frozen. My brain was frozen. It's true. The brain freeze has come from any of bard.

Despidopoeia gives you a withering glare. And she says, that's literally what I am. I can't believe you would say that. This is ridiculous. What else? What else? Amateurs. You're all amateurs.

No, I have the stage, sir. I have the stage. All right. Dranch Fressing is next. Okay. So, Duranches get a little hacked off about this whole situation.

Okay. So he is going to cast Thunderwave, which is like a 15-foot key like that. So it's going to hit Thespidopia and this. Griffin Acolyte. But he's going to cast it boosted, baby. Why do you have so much cool magic?

He's, he's, Dranches, level six. Dranches by far the most powerful bard at this gathering. Wow. Yeah. Cool. He's not an amateur. He's working out new material. He's, he's a famous bard.

Yeah, he's a headline. Yeah, he's a headline. Really? With that flail stuff? You should see how the flail stuff plays outside of this open mic. Yeah. I did an hour of file stuff. Jeremy, you can get the third guy, right?

Yeah, if you get a little closer. Yeah, I guess, yeah, he probably would move up and get the third guy, yeah. Okay. So that's a con save from everybody. Okay. They take half damage if they pass the same, but otherwise they take full damage, which he's casting it as a third level spell, so it's going to be 48 damage. What's the DC on that?

13. Okay, one Griffin Acholite is hit. They're all hit. It's just whether they take full damage or half damage. Okay. All right. So one gets half damage, one gets full damage. Despidopia is hit.

Okay. We're rolling damage. This is the equivalent of like going to an open mic and be like, I wrote first Seinfeld. Oh, that's a nice one. 22. Yeah, so one guy takes 11, but the other two take 22. All right. So.

Allow me to regale you with the battle cry of the Thalogathians. And this like huge. huge booming sound. They're also pushed 10 feet. Oh my God. Oh shit. Chris Rock just dropped into the open light. 10 feet.

Okay, so the one Griffin Acolyte is thrown up against the bar. The other one is blown clean through the doors onto the street where he is completely dead. And Thespidopia is ass over tea kettle. Yeah, all the nearby chairs and stuff are also like, on the floor. Yeah, everything is, everything is just... Sam's frozen. It's like, ah!

Just sliding slowly across. Squee-y-y-er. Across the table. So Thespadopia is knocked over the chair, but really does not look very damaged. The other two are really in bad shape. The Griffin Acolyte on the street is dead. The other Griffin Acolyte is up against the bar,

sort of between the two bar stools. He's passed out. Wow, great job, Dranch. Really good. sinking. Next is Quinn Timmerin, who just dodged a flying acolyte and is ready for action. Can I attack Thespadopio with my daggers? Yeah, absolutely. You've got to run up to her.

Yeah. My armor class is 12, so you've got to roll your attack. Okay. So that's a 19. That's a hit, and roll for damage. Oh, there you go. Five. You lunge at Thespodopia and plunge your dagger into her chest. Cold, you cold queen. Again, again, it's literally what I am. It's not an insult to say that.

It's good that you're using a dagger because, boy, if that was an attempt at mockery. I am the holy ice priestess of the second kingdom. You knew nothing about me. Let my dagger point be my roast. Thespadopia stumbles backward. she looks around at all of you and says, I can't believe this is happening. I only wanted one of you.

Open mic nights are infamously cutthroat. Why are you all still here helping? It's about community. We are all. Yes, we are a creative community. You fool, what do you mess with one of us? You mess with all of us. And we just gave you the light.

Now that's mockery. That's what I'm talking about. This guy's got it. Thespidopia swirls her cape and in a flash of red light and smoke she disappears and the bar is empty except for this yeah we have nothing more to do with one with one hit point yes the giant eagle angrily screes and flies out the door and the dust clears everybody is in pretty bad shape Bunster says is this your card Yeah, back in the private room, Buster finishes his sleight of hand to sort of tepid applause.

Happy birthday indeed. The Griffin Acolyte runs out of the bar. We'll take it. We'll take it. Nice job, guys. Wow, I did not think you guys were going to be able to do that. It was looking. Yeah, I was looking a little bleak for a minute there.

Dranch-Fressing is the MVP, I think. Some fortunate Drench rolls in there, so yeah. Most valuable barred, MVP. MVP. Well, I have put in the time, sir. When you rack up enough open Michael nights, you shall find yourself similarly possessed of your own power. I've never been more touched to be a part of this community.

Drench, I want to thank you. I'm almost certain that this has something to do with my stupid friends. And so I need to go find them, I think. whatever orb they have and warned them that it's a bad thing that they've undoubtedly picked up. I mean, I'm sure it was Dwayne. Well, Sam'sys, know that the community you find here at Open Michaels Knights should be a clarion call to you to embrace your friends. Use your art, your skill as a bard to inspire them to defeat the evil of this orb.

Yeah, they don't really get it. Why, it puts me in mind of one flane bar low. Well, I've got to go. I've got to go. No, no, no, hold on, hold on. No, no, I've got you, I have to set it up because then you're really going to appreciate it. I really must hurry. It sounds like things are dire, so I've got to go warn my friends.

Even the corpse of Maxine Pickles is trying to get out of here. Jeez. The top half is sort of awkwardly climbing out the window. The eagle left. Great job, guys. Guys. That's fun. Dranche shakes Samesi's hands.

He says, return to your friends, for they shall need you the most. And he casts Longstriader on Sam Csys, which lets him move faster than normal. Nice. He may rejoin. I love it. Also known as New Yorker Walk. Yeah. Yes, exactly.

In return, Sam'sies casts, hold on, I think I can cast, hold on, hold on, hold Give me a second. This will be worth it. Yeah. I cast bloom. I instantly make a flower. Wow. Looks like we both can do magic.

So bye. It's lucky you're running away faster than... With long strider, you very quickly leave. Backs out of the bar very quickly. Great work, everybody. Well, let's see what happens when Sam'sies catches up with buds in the next installment of Mission D6. Thanks for joining us.

See you next time. Bye. Bye, you. I'm Emily Fleming. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Matt Lee. We are real comedy writers. Real friends.

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