Mission To Zyxx - The Scoldy Peaches

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

How many knaves can fit in a nave, you ask? Finally, an answer, as the Legumies continue their totally sensical DnD adventure. Spoiler: It’s more than fit in a cave. Another spoiler: in this episode we welcome a brand new player: the one and only Shane O’Connell! Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/joinzyxxSupport at higher levels/more shows: https://maximumfun.org/joinThanks so much!

Welcome back, listeners, one and all, to the epic adventures of the Lagumi's. I'm your dungeon master, Alden Ford. And with me, as always, our intrepid crew of adventures. You can say it with a little more pride. It's okay. Yeah, just a little bit more. Very cautious. We had a great time last time, learned some things, made some decisions.

Mujan is back. Bookett has returned to Speaking to Larry, I guess. I guess we'll see. Welcome back, Mujan. Thank you. Should we get a quick recap of our last adventure? Okay, I remember looking at the map. Mm-hmm.

And I remember us deciding to go up and to the right. Cool. The long way. We have decided to go to Mount Dew. Sure. Dutopia, too, is the city you've decided to travel to. Oh, yes. Yes.

We find out that the orb is the orb. of Thracus, which eagle-eared listeners will know, maybe recognize it from... 521. Yeah. Yeah, Mission to Zix Prime. Yeah.

And then, so we are trying to keep the orb away from the Order of the Griff. Yes, good. That Rangis was a part of. It's an object of power. The bad guys

shouldn't probably have it. Yes, I think that's sort of what it comes down to. Yeah. Our changeling friend, upon seeing the orb, abandoned his plan to have us be his hired. Yeah, you guys were headed to the Citadel to conferred the Order of the Griffin, and he decided that that was a bad plan after realizing that you guys have the orb in your possession because it's too powerful.

Yeah. I'm scared. I also, so Sameses found out that they were after the orb and is back with the group after a really good open mic night that went well. It seemed to kill the joy in Sam's a little bit. Yeah, Sam'sies is, he's got to find his way back, I think, to the light after that. Good, nice, great. So you've decided to head to Dutopia 2, magnificent city of the foot of Mount Dew, right near Lake Fresca.

We've got a long way to go, don't we? We do. Quite a journey. It's several hundred leagues, so yeah, it's going to take you a while to get there. Larry's going to have a spring and a step because his bride has returned. Yes, yeah. Or is speaking to him. Bookett was there, but just not speaking.

I meant emotionally. I meant communicatively. Got it. Great. Glad to have you back, Larry, and Bucket. So you've headed out without Cossidy. And your route along the mountain road is pretty uneventful. It's a well-traveled road, so it's free of bandings.

or other unsavory creatures. And it's several days till Samseys regains the feeling in his extremities, so he's not able to play any instruments. So you travel in a contemplative silence for most of the first few days. The deciduous lushness of the Bringlepur forest gives way to miles of austere evergreens,

which then fade to sort of a low brush, which you can see over. And as the road continues through rolling hills, you're able to see the magnificent, it's Strongle Mountains on your left, which is what the mountain road is named after. Strongle. So you make good time for several days. You're sleeping outside under the forest canopy.

The weather is good. The travelers you meet don't pay you any special attention. So that's a good sign. And it seems like Cassidy's plan was a good one. You know, without an eccentric old man yelling at you, you're back to passing for just six regular travelers. It's worth noting you haven't seen Petra in a while. she took off west along the great road after your night of the prancing poodle muttering something about her training.

So you'll probably see her at some point. She kind of comes and goes anyway, so nobody's too concerned about it. Your luck begins to turn on your fifth day of travel, and you are leaving the edge of the Bringlepool Forest, and you see massive gray clouds billowing up from behind the shoulders of the mountains. And by midday, the sky is opened up. It starts torrentially raining on you, and you're sort of, stuck out kind of in the open under a torrent of rain. Who has a pretty good, like a world knowledge score?

Does anybody like to see if you know your way around? You're talking like survival or like history? History. Like who would know their... Dwaynes is negative too. Who may have passed this way before? Which skill is that? History.

History. Oh, minus one. Plus one. I have plus two. Okay, all right. Significantly better than the rest of us. All right. Why does you roll...

Whoa. Oh, book it. Oh, okay. Book it. Okay. Student of history. All right, so Bookett, why don't you go ahead and roll a D20? Oh.

Ten. Okay, but you got a plus five. So, Book it. As you know, we sort of touched on this in the last session. But as you know, you were raised. in a royal family, which you forsake, forsaked, foresought? I don't want to talk about it. Forsook it.

You forsook it. She forsook did it. I forsook it. Well, forsook it rhymes with booket, which means it's a good lyric. That's good, good. Thank you, Sam's. You forsaked your royal upbringing. But of course, you were raised in the household of the royal family of the ninth kingdom.

So as such, you know all there is to know about the geography of all nine kingdoms, and you're probably the most well-read member of the company. Thank you. If only Larry would say such kind things. I thought it was understood. She's got a book in her name. I love it. So you actually know your way around up here a little bit, or at least in theory.

And you know that just north of the Bringleport Forest are the mighty concurrent rivers, which are two equally massive rivers running in parallel all the way from the mountains to the sea and on the southern shore of that is a little town and if your reckoning is correct you're only a few miles from there so you have a couple options you can try to find some shelter around here or you can press on through the rain to the town which is just a couple miles north you think

how does one know it is not one river with a very long island A good question, good point Is it good? You know, look, they're called the Concurrent Rivers. If it is a Long Island, there might be vaguely conservative people. I was going to say Long Island is not as cool a name as Concurrent Rivers. Sure. Fans of Dowd Easter Alexa and Piano Man, whatnot.

All I know is they have a history of really good iced teas. Oh. But they're not really iced teas. That's my girl. She knows. She knows. See, that's what that royal upbringing will give you. Private school. Yeah, so shelter or go through the rain to the town.

Yeah. My ex lives there. What? Cool. All right, we're going. Okay. We're going. It seems like it's been decided.

I've heard a lot about this guy and I will need to meet him. Good relationship now with the ex or? Terrible. Oh. Friend zone? No, no. Enemy zone. Enemy zone.

I don't like to talk about the past with you, Larry. I only think about the future. Whatever might happen would be a surprise. Your mood has shifted significantly since last time I saw you. So, yeah, let's ride. This is good. I've had a couple iced cheese. Oh, wow.

So you're headed on? We're headed on. Great. To the town. All right. I keep my loot under my. my coat because I'm very worried that it could warp under the water. Good, very important.

I know you, you, Sam's, meant loot, L-U-T-E, but I was like L-O-O-O-T. What loot do you have, and how will it warp? Music is more valuable than any gold. By what metric? Maybe let's take a quick poll of the group. Let's keep going. Let's keep going. We're never going to get there if we sit here debating the arts.

Yes, indeed we shall not. I'll hold this leaf over your head, Bucket, to keep you dry. So you press on, and fortunately, Bookett's knowledge of the area is more or less correct. In just a couple hours of tromping through the rain and the mud, you make it to the little outpost of Craven's Roost, which is a little town that is sort of on the cliff of the southern river of the concurrent rivers. And it's this really nice vista. that you can kind of see out over this massive river.

And then there's the sort of, yes, for lack of a better term, Long Island in the middle there. And then on the other side of that is the second river, which, of course, are split by the Grubbins Peak, far off to the west. And then they just run in two parallel canyons all the way down to the water. It's really cool sight to behold, even in the driving rain. So there is a little town here. It's maybe got, you know, probably under 100 people in it. There's not a whole lot there. Is there something you want to sort of look out for as you kind of start to see some buildings?

There is an inn, hopefully, to gazebo. Some kind of sit down. Yeah. Okay. Any sort of person screaming book its name. To the heavens. Is there a big old jerk's house anywhere over here? Like a real loser shed or something?

We can check out. There's a couple of little farmhouses. They look like there might be some outbuildings there. As you get closer to the river's edge, the cliff, you see what is maybe a staircase or something down to the river where there's a Ford. And you see a little building that it's hard to see in the dark and the rain, but it's a church of some kind. You don't see an inn, however. A church is just an inn where the food sucks. Let's go there.

Yeah. Sure. We can at least duck in, put a gold piece down. and that'll be enough until it stops, right? Or a loot, which is as good as cold. So as you get closer, you see, Quariel, you notice on the side of this church, a very familiar sign, which is the sign of Rodos. A trustworthy town, full of stalwart folk, no doubt.

It's a humble little building, but it does bear the mark of your deity. It's a palace worthy of veneration. Yeah, why don't you walk in first? So I guess we don't have to pay? Is that the... We should be honored to tribute to reduce the sunlighter. Okay. But typically, no, you don't.

It's pay as you wish. Yes, it's pay as you wish. Okay. Great. So what's your plan? Okay. Can I open the door? Sure.

You are wearing your full pallet and regalia, so you're not in any danger of someone not knowing that you're part of the church. Quariel confidently opens the door, strides in to where the traditional window to the east and west are dedicated, faces the sun blinding himself as he stares into it and drops to his knees,

saying, Great Rodus, have been many errors since we have last spoke. Behave me into divine radiance so that I might cast off those parts of myself. that are not worth carrying forward into your gorgeous world. It was fully cloudy outside. How is this as crazy? Indoor sun.

Yes. The power of Rodos always grants a small clearing in clouds, so that just light might blast its way into these temples. We're just all like wringing our clothes out like in the season. Yeah. So the little church is empty, but you're sort of making some noise. And this like, you know, 45, 50 year old man kind of peaks around from the, back of the church and says, who has come into this church with covered in rain, water,

and mud and tracking it all over this divine place? Who, who are you? He notices Quariel's vestments and he says, Paladin, you, you travel here spreading Rodos's word? Name yourself. My name is Quariel, paladin of Rodos, the sunlighter. Quirial. Out of breath. He's so excited. I'm Larry. Oh yeah, same zies. Hi, hello. Very nice. Beautiful acoustics.

Quariel, paladin. I know you. I know your name. Oh. Nice. Is this one of your exes? You should be ashamed, Quirial, to be wearing those... What?

That armor, that crest on your chest, Quariel. What? The light of Roto's no longer shines upon you. You have failed, How dare you? Can I like grab this guy, but... How do you, success, I think. I have lived my entire life seeking the light of Roodus.

He looks at you more or less calmly. He's sort of a little rattled, but you can tell he's not afraid of you. He says, you were given a divine quest by the Archimandrite himself, and what did you do? You allowed your charge to be slain by a swarm of bandits, a swarm of mercenaries. and you left, and you haven't been seen or heard of since. I heard all about you, Quariel. The greatest failure of my entire life. That corm should fall under my watch.

I live with it every day. It haunts me still. Oh. News really travels around here. Is there like a newspaper? I wake in the night hearing his screams. The hundreds of arrows piercing his body. Ooh, what?

Hundreds. There were tiny dots. There were tiny arrows that they had seemed to have So many, they must have had some sort of machine or contraption that would fire them at such a rate. Ugh. That's... And then a ballista at the end. Yeah, and then there was like one really big.

That at least counts for like a couple arrows, I think. It seems not fair. And now look at you, traveling with this band of rogues and witches. We are kind of, you know, we're heroes. We are a solid crew. Yeah, we're cool. The priest sort of brushes off his... his robes and sort of glares at all of you.

And he says, heroes, I don't think so. You haven't shown yourself since you destroyed Castle Braid. Now, the whole fourth kingdom is struggling to find a new leader. The kingdom is in disarray. And it's all because of you. It's all because of chaos that you have sown. Well, you have to... I blame Larry.

What? I'm very lightly involved. here. He does look shifty. The halfling does look sort of shifty. Wow. Let me be honest. I am shifty. I'm always moving around a little. I'm shifty. So odd. Sort of questionable comeback, Larry. But, no, we're heroes. Just because we, I mean, I guess if you put it in the perspective that we completely destabilized the kingdom, less admirable. But we did it for the right reasons. Yes. The alternative would of destruction of everything.

You know, I think we're forgetting that Sam'sis has a perfect song that really explains the whole situation from top to bottom. I think if you'd let him play his loot, you would understand.

Let him loot. I hope you have 45 minutes to spare. I do. I do. All right. I mean, I certainly can't leave this church until this storm blows over, so... Well, I shall give you all. version of the tale.

I begin to play. All right. What are you trying to do with this song? Are you trying to persuade him of something? Yes, I'm trying to persuade him that we are actually heroes. Okay. You're actually heroes. That's great.

Okay. Yeah, all right. Go ahead and roll. What's your persuasion? Plus four. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Could be worse. And? Pretty good. So 45 minutes of music goes by. Wait, wait. I want, I want also. for Winston to roll for how much it sounds

like or not like Hillary Duff's Let the rain fall down. I'm coming clean. Oh, wow, wow. What would that? Performance. Yeah. So my performance is plus seven, so. Well, well, well. Wow.

Flex. Okay. Oh, hey-oh. 18. It sounds a lot like it. Perfect. So the priest stands there with his arms cross listening to you for a whole 45 minutes. Yeah. And you can see, you can sort of see the gears turning as he's listening to you. Your song has plenty of time to cover everything from what you know of Quarreal's original quest with Corm to how valiantly he fought to save Corm. And his journey back to flagellate himself at the temple before meeting you guys.

and then his long journey, everything up until now. You leave out some of the more sort of sensitive parts about the orb and the legume and stuff like that, but it's very clear that you, at least you believe, that Quariel has told the truth about his quest and that his intentions are pure. And this Rodean priest sort of thinks about it for a few minutes after you finish, and the priest clears his throat and he says, well, I guess maybe I've misunderstood much that I've heard. There's, you know, rather a lot to the story, you know.

Sure, nuance. Yeah, there's lore. It's a deep lore dive. Yes, exactly. You really covered a lot. I mean, the 45 minutes is pretty... Some of it quite good. Sure.

Very good. Sure. I like the part where you guys almost stole all that stuff and then you decided to give it back. Because we are good. Heroes! Because you're good. Yes. And I like the part where Larry slept in the sink.

Yes. That was nice. alone. There's a long section about that. Yes. It's an amusing division. Large sink small man. I also liked the story about how great the open Michael's night was and how much people loved your performance. Yeah, well, it was, you know, you just got to do the work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the priest's manner has warmed up a little bit, but he still looks very skeptical. He says, you must forgive me. We are a small community here at Craven's Roost. The news we get is often old and has been passed from messenger to messenger many times. Sometimes one of those traveling

mailbag guys who you may have met will come and just scream stuff at us. So it's a little bit hard for us to trust the veracity of what we hear. It's my apologies that I got a little out of pocket. Accused me of failing in my task. It's all right. It does bother me steal. My name is Rhoda van Smichlaw. I'm the... Is that short for something? No, it's long for...

Pretty long. Long for Rod Smith, yes. Rhoda? Yes. But I'm the priest here. I've been here at Craven's Roost for almost 20 years. Were you named Rhoda originally and then you got into Rodos? No, it's just a coincidence.

It's a coincidence? Wow, yeah, that's strange. What's your nickname? My nickname? Book it is really good at giving nickname. Very good. That's what first drew me to her. Giving nicknames?

Yes. I don't probably need one, but I'll take it, sure. Peaches. Peaches. I see it. I do. Yes. Now that you say it.

Right out of the quiver. Peaches. Yes, actually. Is it because of my shiny, boyish cheeks? Yes. And that great dumper that you have, of course. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I've heard that also many times. I appreciate that. Well, as I was saying, we, Craven's Roost is a place of great beauty and a very important strategic location as well, for it is the location of the only Ford across the south of the two concurrent rivers. Is it sturdy? I never trust a Ford. The Ford, yes, is never failed. Okay. Never failed. This Ford has never failed. This Ford?

No, I mean, the Ford we're talking about. Anyone can cross the Ford as long as you're not an enemy of the kingdom or trying to harm anyone. And obviously, you need to be in good standing with the fordsmen. You know, for a good ten silver pieces. You should be able to cross the Ford, no problem. Okay. But, Aquareal, I should warn you that you're standing in the Rhodian churches, fraught. Oh, no.

But I did want to offer to you, Quariel, an option. You, of course, are welcome to stay here in the church for the night, but if you are interested in rebuilding your reputation with the Rhodian Church, perhaps I could enlist you in a quest of enlightenment and illumination that would allow you to gain some status among the community here who may pass your story along to the monastery. Are you in need of a quest? I mean, people are saying he really crocked up a little bit. They're saying crucked up?

I mean, people are saying he crucked up. I heard that. It's sort of like, look, you were given a divine quest. Within a matter of days, your charge was murdered, and then you dropped off the face of, you know, Toloria. Nobody saw you. Well, and I don't want to speak out of turn, but I believe that Quariel is quite likely

the most upstanding member of our team in some ways, and if his reputation is sullied, it might make it more difficult for any of us and all of us together to achieve our aims. Have we done a moral test to really do the rankings? Oh, should we do the moral test now? Maybe we should. do a sort of whose, yes.

You mean in the eyes of Rodos or sort of... General. General. What do you mean general? The eyes of Rodos are objective as the purity of his light. Sure. Quirio, back me up on this. The Rodian assessment of one's moral strength is certainly objective.

Little hard to take a test where one guy has the answers on his shirt. I don't think it's fair. And the walls. It's also on the wall. You could have read my shirt at any point. I mean, this test is, we get it. It's quarrel followed by the rest of us in some sort of order. Larry at the bottom, probably, and then, you know,

Coral at the top, Larry at the bottom, and the rest of us sort of... Perhaps Larry would be at the top, had he chosen to read my shirt. And the walls. Sure. So, Bucket, you dated this guy? No, not this guy. Yikes. She also just gave him a nickname.

She doesn't know him. Oh, good point, good point. Hold on, hold on. Who did you date? You dated someone who lives in Craven's Roost? They who shall not be named. We're going to bump into him, hon. He's here.

Yeah, didn't we already decide we wanted to run into him bucket? I don't understand. For sure, but, you know, they're not definitely not in a church. I'll tell you that. Oh. She has a type. She has a type, but not a church-going type. Hold on.

Wait, listen, I don't want to, I'm not like trying to do sort of like a, I'm not trying to do like a process of elimination thing, but you're not talking about Dan Ciego, are you? Oh, snap. Sorry, are you saying Dan Ciego or Dan Ciego? Dan, his name's Dan, his last name's Ciego. Okay. And you, I'm sure you're asking yourself, where in Craven's? Roost is Danseego.

Yeah. Good. Okay, great. I was correct. Sorry, something caught in my throat. Just a moment's there. Where in the roost is this guy Danceago? Well, you'll be happy to know. Where in the roost is... Stop asking me that.

Stop asking me that. Hmm. I don't care where he is. I have my Larry and that's all that matters. Larry isn't a replacement for someone who dumped me. Don't worry about it. Uh-oh. Well, he's the ford's the ford'sman.

Oh Of course he would be See he never amounted to anything His father was a fordsman And he was like I'm gonna leave this town And become a shaker Shaker Shaker

Shaker Like a mover and a shaker? Like a mover and a shaker or like a dancer Or that person in the band When it's a big band But they're at the back And all they really get is the egg That's full of sand

Or a dried gourd of some kind There's no shame in that. The only shaker I need in my life is left. She still got feelings in this guy. Same geez, have you ever worked the shaker? Of course, everybody starts with the shaker. Oh. And then you have to build the truss on the shaker and then the triangle and then so on and so.

You don't see a lot of lead singers on the egg. No, no. Well, no, they would work their way up. Right. Yes. Why are we talking about this? We have things to do. We have places to go.

Let's just move on. Well, listen, I mean, you know, don't let me stand in your way. You could very easily just go down the stairs right now and talk to the ford'sman. Just be on your way. It's pretty simple. Or? Or. Peaches is about to bestow a quest upon.

Queryl, I believe. Wow, Peaches. Yes, peaches, I should very much like the power of Rodos's blinding light to scour my reputation clean. Give us your quest, peaches. Yes. A little quest. A little, I mean, I wouldn't say a quest. It's just sort of like an opportunity.

I say we take the quest. I say we go to the quest. No, I think we got to go talk to the forgement. This river's not crossing itself. Well, you said you wouldn't say quest, but you were the one who said quest first. I mean, I shouldn't say quest. It's not really like a, you know, quest quest. I said, stop being coy about the quest.

Wait, should we sort of go down, let Larry fist fight Dan and then come back quick get the quest or what? I might be friends with them We don't know exactly You've been pounding your fist into your hand Let me be out You're right I'm gonna wreck this All right

Is it either or with the quest Yeah surely we can hear about the quest And still go do the other thing Yeah A hundred percent Let's at least hear about the quest Oh you're being so coy about it No I'm not being coy

I just sounded like you guys love Dan or whatever So I wanted to I just want to just Hey hey nobody loves Dan peaches Cool it with that All right. Fine. All right.

All right. All right. I just didn't want you to think I was like keeping the ford'sman from you because he's right over there. He's just down the stairs. Where is he? I don't care. Bookets. Okay.

No. All right. It sounds as though you do care. Listen, I don't like to, you know, admit this, but lately there has been troubles here at Craven's Roost and being a sun-loving, darkness-fearing man, as I am, I don't fully trust myself to bring Rodos's light to a place it has never reached before. It is the job of the paladin to bring his light. Yes, Quarial good. There's a cave, a sort of system of caves nearby, which house a great evil. The light of Rodos has never reached inside it, and I am ashamed to admit I've been too cowardly to investigate it myself, but there have been strange, strange things happening around

Craven's Roost in the last several weeks. If you would be so bold, Quariel, if you would be so kind as to help the community of Craven's Roost root out a great evil, and, you know, maybe I could send a quick little letter down to the old monastery and say, hey, you know who's a great guy, Quariel. Yes, it is my secret duty to... descend into the system of caves and bring the light of Rodos to those that suck array in its darkness. I will warn you, though, when I say system of caves, it's like, if you go into the caves, this is all I know, just because... This is a system of a down? Well, yes, good.

It starts. The system of going down. System of going down. So the system of going down, you go into the cave and, like, on the first level, they say, is, like, normal guys who... are bad but they're fine and then there's a sort of second level and that's worse and it's oh boy and then on the third level that's where a big guy lives who really you don't want to mess with because he's bad we've done this kind of thing before yeah i just don't want and and quill for this i just feel no i just i just want you to know like if you get into

the first like couple of areas of these caves and you're sort of killing guys left and right and you're like this is easy watch out i don't know if you're familiar with so yeah it sort of gets harder until a real big... What? Yeah, we've done this several times. We've done levels. Okay, all right. I know you're all brave heroes. You've done so many cool things. But listen... You heard that 45-minute

song. Don't pretend like it didn't move you. Yes, it did move me. It didn't move me. I'm just saying, if I was in the cave, if I was like a troll or like a monster or ghost or something, I'd be like right by the door. So if anybody came to my cave, I'd be like, blam and like kill you. And then you

don't get into my cave. Why would I put my guys in front of me so that somebody wants to come in and kill all my guys. Put the weak guys at the end. We shall brave this system of a going down. We shall protect the land from this toxicity. Just so you know, Peaches, this is a capital Q quest. This isn't like, you are downplaying this so hard. It's a system of caves. If it was one cave, maybe it's an area. This is almost a text scroll quest. You know what I mean? Yeah, I thought we were going to have to, like, get medicine or something. That feels like,

kind of one of those sort of medicine. No. They're like, well, you can't make this without that. You know, you need like... Well, that's... I've never... I have never been asked to make medicine and not have them said, well, we need an herb from outside the town. Yes, that's true. Oh, here we go. You think I'm just going to make you fetch stuff? You need peaches and herb.

You know what an easy quest is? Going down and knocking down some chump on the fort. That's what I... All right. I want to go do. All right, very well. Larry, if you wish to meet this Dan Ciego, very well. feel free to bring yourself. Hell yes.

And I nominate Samsies to maybe go with him because, I mean, no offense Samsies, but you don't look quite battle ready. That's true. Yes, Samcies, leave with Larry. Excellent. Okay. Okay, so we're splitting up. Bookett, are you going to go along with... No, I have no interest.

I don't want to engage with the past. I move forward. She's sort of reaching toward the ford. What? I have no interest at all. I don't give up our plans. I stick with her. She's stepping toward the Ford as she says.

I move towards the future. Okay, she's back. Well, it will benefit us to have you at our side, Bucket, in this glorious quest for Roodos's honor. But also drop my name in and see what the vibes are. Buget. Dan, there's going to be two sounds. Me hitting you and you heading the Ford.

Listen, I did tell you that if you're enemies of the community or the kingdom, you're not going to get across the fort. Oh, you know what? Actually, I will tell you one thing. If you want to get across the rivers and you don't want to use the Ford, are you in really good with the giant eagles? How's your reputation with the giant eagles? Doesn't get lower. As long as you haven't made even a single one angry. I believe there might be some we didn't kill. We didn't kill. What?

No, don't worry about that. Okay You know they're not just animals Right they're like intelligent We'll take the question Yes they're very Right I know

I heard they're aggressive Very Listen If you backtrack on the road About half a kilometer And you turn to the west There's a farmhouse Oh but you certainly

You want to stay the night Right It's still pouring rain It's the middle of the night Yeah If you don't mind Do you have Softer beds

Specifically for heroes Soft to bed One single bed for me, please. What? Yeah, booze or anything? Oh, an ice tea. Long Island ice tea. I don't have any Long Island iced teas.

I do have concurrent river ice teas. If you'd like... Which are basically the same thing, if you think about it. Yeah. We'll take them. As long as these drinks are sanctified by Rados the Sunlighter. Great, wonderful. Rodo Van Smitchlaw heads back into his...

little whatever it's called. Office. Aps. Rectory. Rectory. Yes. And mixes up some drinks for you guys. You spread out on the floor of this church and get ready to head out on your quest tomorrow.

Sam's, hit us with that song again. Got it. Play us out. I'm going to double the solo, though. My guy. 90 minutes later. I assumed when you said, double the solo that you would be playing higher harmonies,

but you have in fact doubled its length. That's right. Great. So long rest for everyone. Congratulations. And the next morning, Peaches, Rodavent, Smichlaw, bids you farewell and makes a complicated

hand gesture and a sort of ceremonial bow as we as, yes, yes. Oh, wow. Quariel and Roadway. I know it very well. You bow to each other. Goodness me. Yeah, it's...

Veneration of Rodos takes many minutes. Surprisingly complex. Wow. Handshake. And so Larry and Samcies, you head off to the Ford. We'll catch up with you guys later. Yes. And the remaining four members of the party head back down south,

retracing your steps for a little while. And in about 10 minutes, you come to a farmhouse that has started to sort of cave in. And you didn't notice it on the way in because the rain. was so fierce, but as the rain has started to clear up a little bit, you do notice that this farmhouse, it started to decompose because of ill magic rather than just the natural progression of time. T'was once a farmhouse, but now a cruel mockery of a farmhouse. That's good.

So it's sort of falling apart. You take a turn on the road and you kind of head up into the foothills, which become a little rockier and cragier. And a sort of feeling of dread and illies descends upon the parties as you get closer to this. And even accounting for the clouds behind the sun, it does seem to be getting darker than it should be at this hour as you get closer to the caves. An affront to Rodos. Yes. So there's kind of a large hill that's kind of jutting out of the kind of rolling hills around and you kind of see some recesses there.

It's hard to tell how far back any of them go. and it's also getting still, still darker as you get closer. And even though the priest was pretty vague about what exactly was going on here, you can all feel in the pits of your stomachs that this is an evil place. Indeed. The rocks that are sort of, you know, start as kind of small boulders and stuff, get larger and larger until you're kind of navigating your way through these boulders that are larger than you. and as you're getting closer to this hill that's jutting out of the countryside,

you hear a little bit of like a clanking or like a, it sounds like some armor clanking or some sort of metal hitting against something else. Does everyone hear that? Yeah, how do you want to handle it? No, it's more like a sword hitting metal softly or a helmet opening and closing. It's kind of a clank. Do you guys want to proceed or do you want to stop and do anything? Feels like we should, yeah

Okay, so go ahead and roll for perception Okay, I got 19 Critical fail Dwayne rolled a 12 Great 16 Nice, okay You're sort of between these two kind of rock outcroppings

And everybody stops and listens Jiggly here's what he thinks is like a cowbell But all the rest of you hear what's actually happening which is that it sounds like someone, a person wearing some armor is kind of struggling. It kind of sounds like somebody who may be stuck or crawling or something like that. I think it's but a bovine instrument. A famous cow tool. Yes, I think it was nothing.

Oh, and you just heard a sort of pained groan. Oh, man. Oh, crap. Ouch. Who's there? It doesn't sound like a cow. They speak with such non-colocleal tour. It sounds like someone is in pain.

Are you going to try to sneak up, or are you going to just show yourselves? Let's just show ourselves. We're no frightening at all. Yeah, it seems like this person does not sound dangerous. Yeah, Aquario will step out and say, If ye be a friend of Rodos the sunlighter, call ho. Uh, ho, I guess. Excellent.

Who's there? Ouch. Is anybody there? Can you help me out? Yes. Yes. It is forced. sixth of the fellowship of the legume.

Oh, great. Yeah, I twisted my ankle something terrible. Do you guys have any like rations or anything like that? I'm really aching. I'm hurting. Rations for an ankle? Let me use my healing kit. Oh, that'd be great. Yeah, yeah, you have one? Oh, great. Do you want to use a healing kit, Duane? It'd be cool if you could, yeah.

Here you go. New friend. So, Dwayne, you would, on your skills, you just tap the plus zero next to medicine and roll it. noise and I'm getting it's a seven it's a seven it looks like a one great look like one all right can I kind of heal you not with that roll

oh wait is it a is it a pass fail situation truthfully a healer's kit would really able to be used to stabilize somebody who was dying okay he's more or less healthy he's like you know he's sprained his ankle or something it's um yeah but then Dwayne has probably still not helped anything

That's what I'll say Okay Slap Ow, oh man Do you buddy have any other healing kits or anything It could help me out maybe Apparently a healer's kit Has 10 uses

So maybe old Dwayne Or Johnson could go again Dwayne cease in your ministrations Allow me to shine the divine light of Rodos the sunlighter Oh yes watch this stranger I shall lay on hands as the divine light of Rodos travels through me and into you. Is he actually injured?

Yeah, yeah, I like fell off of something. I can heal up to ten points of damage. Okay, that'll do. All ten will get him back to his max. Oh, geez, well, all right, let's do it. Okay. Rodos, may your glorious light dispel the darkness and raise this wretch up to the highest heights

where only you, Rodos, are fit to walk. Oh, his leg is floating. Or maybe he's lifting it. Oh, yeah, no, I'm just lifting it. Oh, thanks, man. That feels great. Yeah, you know, I hate to use up my own healing kit. So thanks a bunch for...

You had your own healing kit. What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I like to keep a maxed out. I'm just sort of, you know, that you don't like to see the number go down. I like to be maxed out, basically, so yeah. But thank you so much. That was great.

Yeah, I really try. twist my ankle on that climb. So this guy stands up and he is a half elf fighter. He's got a diamond-shaped shield. He's got a really cool sword. He's got point of ears. He's wearing green.

He's a blonde guy. Real just sort of handsome young lad. Shane, you can go ahead and introduce yourself if you like. Oh, wow. Thanks guys. Yeah. My name's Squelch. Squelch-Kwest. Oh, is that short for something? No. That's my name.

Squelch. Ooh, where does squelch come from? I'm from Antichordis. Squelch, the Anacordian Fighter, what brings you near these openings of a system of of a caves of going to outs? Oh, well, I was just trying to get to that, um, perch of reflection up there, and, uh, you know, I fell. Perch of reflection.

Yeah, you know about those, right? Sure. Pretend we do not know about these perchfellers. Well, of course you guys are travelers, your questers, right? Yes, actually. You go to the perch of reflection, you sit down and you write a poem. I've always wanted to write a poem. It's easy.

You just look at something close to you and you say something like the wind rustles through the trees and you look at something in the middle ground and maybe there's a river and you're like it and the river flows softly. And then you look something at far away and you're like, and the clouds, you know, have fluffy air. And then, you know, you do that enough times you get like a headband. You make it sound so easy. And though we know the answer to this question as well, why would you do that? To get the headband.

Why? What do you mean? Well, I'm questing, like you guys, right? What brings you all here? What are you questing right now? That's part of it, yeah. Okay, no questions. More sort of officially, this before you is Quaril Paladin of Rodos, who, if you've heard of him,

you've probably heard that he cropped up. And so we're trying to make that less the thing that people know. Well, I mean, and his reputation sort of reflects on us, to speak of reflecting. So we're going to go kill some stuff in caves. As you're talking to Squelch Nyquist, you notice he's got like a shit ton of gear. He's got like four or five swords. He's got like a spare change of armor in his backpack. Squelch, it must be said you were carrying rather a lot of gear.

Am I? Yeah, I guess. I mean, you know, I've been at it for a while. That's a cool sword. Is that a... What is that exactly? Broad Sword. It is a long sword.

It is known as the ray of Rhodos, and all that scorn Rodos's light fear it. That's cool. I mean, I dig that you're just sort of rocking the base level stuff there. Like your... Base level. Yeah, yeah, like the hilt. You know, the hilt is just like the original hilt that it came with, right? Wow.

He is nagging you. No, no, no, I think it's cool. I think it's a total style choice. What a... You'd be naked. I get it. You know, sometimes you just want to go back to the OG. That is a archetypal and accordion neg.

What other hilt would I use? Is there some non-standard hilt that I should be investigating in some way, or... Well, you can get the leopard hilt. I mean, that's like sort of the basic first step. You know that, right? You go... Of course, naturally. Yeah, yeah, you offer the apples to the frog prints,

and then you get the... Squelch, you know... The leopard help, yeah. You know much of equipment. Perhaps you would be of benefit on our journey. Yes. Oh, yeah, sure.

As long as, you know... Can I ask you guys a question? Yeah, of course. Have you seen any Garfons around? Just like walking around? No, I thought I heard a cowbell so that...

No, no, no, that's a whole different thing. Yeah, because, well, yeah, just keep an eye out for Garfin's... because there's this guy back to the village and he wants me to collect him and bring him back to his pen. And then I think I'm going to get some pants. What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You live an unusual life, Squelch. I'm a quester, like, well, you guys, right? Hold on quick, the original group of us would like to have a quick group meeting. Yes. Oh, sure. Can I ask you a question real quick, though?

Your voice, was that, that's cool. Is that your original voice? Or like, was that like an ad on? Original voice. Yeah, like an upgrade. Who is this guy? All right, I'll let you guys go. I'll let you guys go.

Upgrade your voice. Thank you, Squelch. I am suspicious of this squelch. He's already Hilt shamed you. He has, and I did not enjoy the experience. And voice shaming, book it? Well, that was towards me. I believe so.

I was going to say, I've got a couple daggers. I could use them. Okay, I guess one option, yes, is to kill him. where he stands after having healed him. And yet, he may be of aid in this journey to clear my name and clear this darkness from this land. As you're standing there, you notice Squelch is like, is like Habachi style flipping and sort around. Like, he clearly knows what he's doing.

See, look, look. Okay, yeah. Wow. It's pretty sick, actually. That is gnarly. That is pretty sick, actually. Uh, great. Awesome.

Okay, so you're going to enlist Squelch? I mean, I was down from the beginning. Oh, right, you wasted a bunch of medicine. What does your little gerbil friend say? The one you've been carrying, and we've not acknowledged. The squirrel is actually over by Squelch, and he's sniffing a bag of, like, various exotic fruits and nuts that Squelch has. Oh, crook, is that a squirrel? Oh, sh.

All right, hold on. I got to draw a picture of it real quick. All right, let me just. He's an artist. I'm not really No, I just, I got to keep track of it. He writes poetry. He brings out this

like a leatherbound journal. All right, cool. Oh, sick. Okay, got it. Nice. It's good to check one off the list. What list do you speak of? Squelch.

Yeah, I'm just checking stuff off the Glenadex. You know. How are you guys doing with it, by the way? Oh, have you gotten that the purple poodle yet? Not yet. That one's tough. I'm still looking for it. They said it's in the shadow hills of Squam, but haven't made it there yet.

Nor us, Squelch. What are we doing? Do we have a plan? Good point, Bucket. Are we doing anywhere? Yes, Bucket. Book it. Why don't you invite Squelch into our party for destroying the evil?

What are you working on? You guys talk to the priest already? Squelts, yes, we talk to the priest, and he has assigned us the holy task. Yeah, the caves. Excite. Yes, yes, driving the evil from these caves. So you are well acquainted. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's, yeah, it's normal stuff. I'm sort of... Did you do it already, or... No, but I'm actually... I'm actually in it because I heard they got some broncho nuts over there, so I'm kind of keeping my eye out for those. Broncho nuts. Could I have...

Could I ask for a quick team meeting? Just real... Team meeting. Did we not just do this? Team meeting. I love team meeting. No, no, just one second. You could keep sketching the squirrel if you'd like.

Yes, Twain. Oh, yeah, you guys should sketch it because I already got it. So, yeah, so Cori-L, yeah, you hang out over there. I'm ready for team meeting. No. No, not with you. You're on probation. We're all in the team.

Okay. Do we all feel like every other word out of squabing? Melch's mouth is kind of confusing. Is it just me? He speaks of much of which I have never heard. Oh, that is such a relief. But what is it? He sort of, you can't help but pretend to know what he's saying for fear of humiliation.

Yeah. It would be embarrassing to admit you had no idea of what he spoke. Right. Should we sort of eyes on the prize? We go into the caves. If he wants to come, great. He's got lots of swords. If he doesn't, peace out.

Okay, but he has to go first. Yes. Right. Okay, that's something I agree with. Great. Thank you, Bucket. Very well. Great.

So you go over to Squelch. He's busy, like, making a smoothie or something out of a couple of random ingredients. You have set up this cook fire faster than anyone I've ever seen. You can make a smoothie over a campfire for some reason? Oh, yes. Oh, man. The effects. It was thought to cook a smoothie.

Yet he has managed it somehow. Dightful. Possessed of a deep magic, this squelch. So yeah, what's up, guys? You ready to go find some broncho nuts or what? I am not familiar with this broncho you speak of, but it would be good to have you at our side, squelch. Let's do it.

Right, why don't you go ahead of us? You know, just start walking, and we will follow the thing that you do. Yes. Okay. Lead us to maybe the largest cave mouth. So, Huh.

Ha! Squirrels ends up clambering over the rocks for some reason, even though there's sort of a path towards the caves. Oh yeah. It's super easy to find

the entrance to a cave. There's like a little trick you can do. Do you guys know about it? Surely, but why don't you demonstrate it for us? My body wants to say yes. Well, no, I just pull out my hammer and then you can kind of use the magnetic targeting sort of function of it and it'll like automatically point you towards

any rocks that's like breakable you know what I mean so that's like usually how I find like an entrance you know I just sort of like wielding my my hammer over various large boulders and then oh yeah like this one right here so you had sort of southwest through the rocks a little bit and about a hundred yards ahead, you see like a lot of these kind of cavernous entrances, this one definitely goes a little further in than the others, so it looks like this might in fact be the one.

Squelch, your methods are unconventional, but I cannot argue with your results. Yeah, it's great. Anybody see any broncho nuts, by the way? I mean, I have to find them. Yes, one question. What is a broncho, exactly? Right.

Well, Bracho, you know, the guy that you meet on the side of the road? Yes. He needs to make a tambourine, right? He needs to make his tambourine. Right, right, right, right, yes, of course. And then you give him enough nuts, he can make the tambourine, and then you can play his song, and then... Yes. Why are you agreeing?

Why are you agreeing? I don't know. He's so convincing. Squelch, may I ask you straight up, before we... Before we descend into these caves, are you willing to fight the forces of evil alongside us? Or will you be distracted by every crocking thing that is mentioned or seen? Oh, no, no. I'm totally into the main quest for sure.

Okay. But I do like to fill out the glenadex. You know what I mean? So, it's important. So you're headed into the caves? Yes. Yes. Great.

Awesome. So the four of you and your new friend, Squelch Nyquist, to head into these dark caves, even as you approach you're still outside but the darkness begins to kind of press around you and even though

Squelch doesn't seem all that concerned the other four of you are very aware that you're entering a very evil place so with that in mind we'll see you next time on Mission to D6 when we shall descend

into madness slash caves and of course we will catch up with Larry and the Fordsman down at the Ford with all of the drama happening there as well please join us next time. Thanks for being here. And thanks Shane for joining us as Squelcher.

Shane. Shane. You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years. And maybe you stopped listening for a while. Maybe you never listen. And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up. But no.

No, you would be wrong. We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into. some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing? Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works. The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me. We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening. And if not, we just leave it out back and it goes rotten.

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