Modern Wisdom - #014 - Self Confidence

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello there. This week we are running a little bit late. However, I have some good news. We have finally managed to get our act together and get all of the content from the podcast over the last few months ready to go onto YouTube. As a part of that, I recorded an extra long, extra clever podcast episode about what it was like to be on Love Island. That's going to be coming out pretty soon, I know that new series is releasing soon, so I'm gonna time it in with that one. Today we go back to basics, have video of this,

Starting point is 00:00:34 this will be up on the YouTube, but it's just me, Yusef and Johnny, talking about something that we don't really understand again. So today is on confidence. Yusef and Johnny wanted to sit down and have a discussion about this for quite a while. So we took this opportunity to try and break down what we mean by confidence. If there's any tactics that any of us have used to improve our resilience, to setbacks in life and also to be more courageous moving forward,

Starting point is 00:01:03 a lot of it relates to stuff to do with social confidence in social situations, being a little bit more extroverted or just not being quite so concerned about whether or not something's going to go wrong. Thank you to all of the people who've been giving me some messages and stuff recently. I've received some really heartfelt emails and they're really, they genuinely do mean a lot. All the Instagram DMs and all that stuff. I do read them and I do very much appreciate them when I'm talking to Chris. But I like you. But I'm holding me to you. Chris, you've set that sense.

Starting point is 00:02:06 But what do you actually mean? Because he's the other day. That someone was the pariah of an amen paragon. Yeah. I'm going to use paragon as what? You pulled me up about it. He wasn't even anyone else. The thing is, he's brutal.

Starting point is 00:02:20 I'll write a piece of content and he goes through. And there'll be one typo. And he's like, you're spot six straight. I'll try it out. I and he goes through and there'll be one typo and he's like Spots it straight out. I sent that article from Muslim fitness off to a couple of friends Muslim fitness Muslim fitness did you just call it? Yeah, it was what it's called isn't it? Muslim fitness Actually, I bet it's different to the other day. Same one. Weird.

Starting point is 00:02:49 Tastes like pear. It's not pear. It has a different taste. Apple. Yeah. The pear one's lovely. Yeah, very caffeinated though. It's a heavily caffeinated taste.

Starting point is 00:02:58 Yeah. That's the thing. You are a risk because of your severe and chronic. I feel like I'm trying to do a docker spaceship with it. That's not because we talked about docking last time when it went on for ages. I love docking. So we've got a choice of what we're going to talk about today. I think confidence. No, although what we say Chris said prior. I'm not pariah. Yeah, they go on the floor. Thank you. So again,

Starting point is 00:03:30 we're videoing and everything now is going on YouTube. People who are listening, you're going to be able to subscribe on YouTube and I'm going to be one of those people who says, don't forget to subscribe. Soon. However, you've worn the same pants that you did for Love Island. So it looks as though we recorded all of these in the same position. We're in the same position. I think Johnny might be wearing some of the colors. It's daylight now though. It is.

Starting point is 00:03:58 So, I'm actually wearing different jeans T-shirt, I've got pastel pair of shorts on this one. Okay. So you're all doing sp own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it.

Starting point is 00:04:10 So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it.

Starting point is 00:04:18 So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So you're all in your own space to do it. So They're like what a video is. They are kind of lily. I mean, we don't want to give too much away.

Starting point is 00:04:27 I mean, it's really quite difficult to tell whether they are in fact lily. Yeah, that's really interesting. I also desperately need a haircut, but that's by the buy. So, we've gone your hair grows, does it just grow? It just gets larger, doesn't it? You're longer and gets larger. Yeah, so it's like a private hedge.

Starting point is 00:04:43 I mean, you'd just be able to easily... Cut the scissors. Yeah, so it's like a private hedge. You know, I mean, yeah, I could just be able to do it. You had a cup of scissors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so no, it needs to go and use the, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can, so you can shave it at the sides and the back. But it needs to be wet and then uniform. I still think when you need something exciting to be doing. I might have an afro for eight years. Yeah, but you can't just ride off that. We haven't actually. Can we introduce the fact that you're growing your top not to the people of podcast world? Yeah. So podcast land.

Starting point is 00:05:11 Podcast land. We mean, me and Yusuf decided that Johnny needed just a little bit more edge. So the theory behind this or the basis that this was coming from, because I think that's I'll let you conceptualize it. So, so I write to start with I have a friend because I'm too close to the mic. You've leaned in but it's at the correct distance. I just keep it. Okay. I have two friends that I believe are equally attractive but on different ends of the

Starting point is 00:05:45 male autism spectrum so Chris is of the two ends of the attractive spectrum okay so Chris and David you need to just another spectrum isn't it so you're not saying Chris is autistic actually I think Chris and David are probably on the same end of the autism spectrum I'll leave that up to you guys. Anyway, both equally attractive, but Chris is very symmetrical, chiseled, muscular, that kind of sports gear look. David is very gap year, silk, kimono, lip ring, that kind of look. But so both of them, despite being on both ends of this fashion spectrum, both gave me a series of fashion pointers that aligned. You think, well, if two people with good fashion sense, but on different ends agree on that, then it must be quite a good piece of advice.

Starting point is 00:06:37 Can you, can you, um, the recommendations that we're given to you? So burn the green high tops, I mean, for me, I'm a low-hunging fruit for fashion advice. It was so much to be made right so quickly. Exactly, it's like easy pickings, but burn green high tops, get rid of all of your purple cardigans, all 15 of them. So much maroon, I was just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, range, corduroy, yeah. Grow a beard, get a skin fade, kind of knows sturd or knows ring, for entatti. Though your pronunciation of corduroy is so precise, you do get it.

Starting point is 00:07:14 Very marks and Spencer, corduroy. I'm not brilliant. Can you corduroy, corduroy? Is that what it is? I think so. I thought it was corduroy. I thought it was corduroy as well. But I think if we've got youcing it correctly, if we've got you

Starting point is 00:07:27 on something, I'm going to be really satisfied after Paragon Paragon. It's just being racist, just because I'm arid. Anyway, so it says, I'm a corduroy. I'm a father. I'm a father. Where's the name? Actually, in the Mike Israel podcast number 67. Probe of it. It was saying it was the, he was the founder of RPE and I was very pirate about it. So anyway, Chris's observation and David of Johnny is that he's very abacrumbi, very holster from top to bottom, very clean cut, square head, symmetrical haircut,

Starting point is 00:08:04 just jeans and jumper, long and navy, long thin knit long sleeve tops, which is fine, but it's all together, it's too much because Johnny is clean, shaven, square, everything's too clean, and so you need one thing just to take the edge off, or to provide an edge, which in their unanimous case was a top-not. So I don't think David advised them the top-not, I'm sorry. I think David agrees with the top-not. Me and Chris were like...

Starting point is 00:08:32 We were our dear gen. We did the brand generation for it. And then I think David came in as a consultant in his elephant pants. I think you said... He put down his ukulele. He's still annoyed me for not explaining to you that, so Chris came around, David had a girl in his room, and we heard guitar playing from through the room.

Starting point is 00:08:57 The next morning, David was like, oh Chris was there. And I was like, yeah, he heard you playing the guitar. He's like, that wasn't me, I'm not a wanker. Oh God, text him now. Tell him he will. Because it looks like he's just had this girl run, oh yeah, just a bit.

Starting point is 00:09:09 Just a bit. Just you and my guitar skills, man. I do my vibes, yeah. So what was it? Listen, darling. Listen, darling, yeah. You want it? You want it?

Starting point is 00:09:17 Straw hat flip flops. You want to hear what, what is it? So they need you, yeah? Honestly, man. Yeah, no, no, listen. Like, it's just straight from Thailand, yeah. Honestly, man. Yeah, no, no, listen. Like, it's just straight from Thailand, yeah? You've never heard this vibe before. Wonder Woman.

Starting point is 00:09:32 Oh my god. Yeah, so he was like vociferously like, tell Chris. Yeah, he wanted to track back. So yeah, we wanted to get what I like about the idea of you having a top knot is everything else is going to stay the same. Because he's not going to stay the same time. He's totally open to an overhaul.

Starting point is 00:09:56 Really? No, you're not. You were really, really reluctant to the top knot. What is the reason is moral hazard? Do you think that this is it? Do you think the top knot is a gateway drug? So I feel like you can the reason is moral hazard do you think that this is it do you think the top that's a gateway drug so I feel like you can have to explain moral hazard okay so it's it's you you would experience absolutely no downside if it was terrible would it you would you you

Starting point is 00:10:17 upside of the musement you only have upside to gain I have not only live with have not only the journey of growing hair long enough to put in a mini ponytail on the top of my head. While simultaneously keeping the sides and back of my hair very short, if it looks shit by that, so there's the time in the middle where it's going to look shit regardless. You said that, but it's looking better. If it looks shit at the end, then you too will find it hilarious, I imagine. And I might fuck sake, I don't know how to go the hairdresser. I think you need enough faith in us as friends that we would tell you if it could. Well, so I'm going to that point. Here we are.

Starting point is 00:10:52 Yeah. How long's it being since you've had the top of your haircut? Er... 12 weeks. That's a long time. I mean, you must have had it really short before, because it doesn't look that much long. It's just because it's like slightly far away. Yeah, so it's gay as long.

Starting point is 00:11:07 It is long. That's because when I wake up in the centre of my head is just a vertical block of hair. Perfect. That's what the Spongebob said. Yeah. Which is prohibitive because I used to be able to wake up not shower. That was fine. Whereas now I'm like, fucking hell, I look like fucking hey Arnold. I have to do something. I have to, I can't even go

Starting point is 00:11:33 to the petrol, you know, like you, you know, like you, I mean, what in case people see you? Well, just because people go like, what the fuck are you doing? There's a difference between being like careful about your image and like I want to scare the book. I'll send you a photo. Okay. That sounds good Yeah, so you've agreed to get the top nut Which I think is if you if you want to take me shopping. I'll happily go fine But what was the what was the response because your girlfriend is sort of What was the response? Your girlfriend is sort of, I'd class her as sort of a pretty straight up and down kind of not super edgy girl. She's almost the female version of how Johnny dresses, but I think slightly more edgy.

Starting point is 00:12:15 She's a lot more into fashion than I am when I don't really care. But she's still like, you know, Charlie Counten. Yeah, it's fairly sort of straight like. She's not just come back from Thailand, yeah exactly. So running like a yoga retreat or something. Yeah, yeah. And I think what you thought was gonna happen

Starting point is 00:12:31 when me and you suggested that you get a top nut, was that you were going to be, or in straight up on those, you were going to end up with support for the countercase from your girlfriend. So you can bring that back to us and be like, look, I think it's what actually happened when you suggested getting a top nut to a girl that she saw was going to say unequivocably say no. She said, I really like top nuts. Why didn't you get a tattoo sleeve as well? So it was not only, yes I agree,

Starting point is 00:13:02 boom. Go a bit further. Do something even more pin. How shocked were you when that happened? I think just disbelief. So the first thing I thought was, something's going on here, like they've spoken to her. Like that, honestly that's what I thought. I was like, there's a... The Christmas of a front run.

Starting point is 00:13:19 Yeah, back here. Yeah, to it, yeah. And so there was a few lines of defense. So like I asked a few other people, and like generally response was like, yeah, I'm going to go for it. lines of defense or like I asked a few other people and like generally response was like Yeah, I'm gonna go for it. I asked David. I perimeter expected him to say yes. My last line of defense was my hairdresser who Was like initially was like he's joking and then I was like no, no, I'm being serious

Starting point is 00:13:40 Two of my friends have suggested it. She then said Which to it should initially she was like resisting resisting which two of your friends? I was. She then said, which two, initially she was like resisting, resisting, which two of your friends, I was like, business partner and I think he has to have my best interest at heart because if, by the way, something really stupid. And then we look silly on video on the internet. Directly effects is wrong, you know.

Starting point is 00:13:57 Yeah. And I said, the other guy is called Chris Williamson. She started blushing. They just immediately agreed. He said she had sent it to the table in the room. Yeah, so then like the rest of the hair she says is like chipping in crowdsawst at them. And then she was that everyone was getting excited about teaching me how to put my hair in a bubble and... Fine.

Starting point is 00:14:15 ...back as brother. Interestingly, his hair at the top not. Okay. So I was speaking to him about it. What it's like. He said that at the top not. He would have kept it. His girlfriend didn't like it. He said the worst thing about it is it's hard to fit all of your hair into the band. Just grow a little bubble. You have to like clip it. Grow longer. But I mean this is, you know, it's a couple of people all part of the journey. So we're going to talk about confidence today. Kind of carries on from that, this is, I'm kind of handing the table over to you. You guys a little

Starting point is 00:14:50 bit here because I think- We want to talk with you on this, I think. Maybe. You've been pushing this topic for a little while and we keep on missing it. I think it's what everybody would like to have. I think even people who are confident often don't think they're confident. It imposter syndrome. Yeah. Because I think right for someone who is truly confident that usually, well, if they come across confident, usually if they ask them that deep down as an insecurity that they think is forefront of their personality, but everyone else

Starting point is 00:15:19 just sees confidence. Yeah. Well, I think it's the people who are Holy, unconfident that have the most brash. Yeah, forthcoming. Yeah, like a compensatory. Yeah, like I need to wear this front to appear Confident. Interesting because I got a miniature book from School of Life. If you follow me on Instagram You'll see that a lot of the time I quote stuff by Al Enderbottom who is the philosopher and the guy behind school of life, unbelievable YouTube channel you should check it out. And I bought the smallest book I think you could buy it's 79 pages and type like font size 20. It's just a very small very thin book and it's called Confidence, and it goes through a number of the elements he thinks in the modern world that contribute to somebody's confidence. And the number one, or what appears to be the prevailing element, is that people who are confident do not have, they don't hold themselves with too much dignity So I saw his video on it last night actually after your recommendation. It was in my capture process life I'd want to I watched it last night and yeah talk to but I think was it irasimus or

Starting point is 00:16:38 So yeah who says that we have to embrace our folly and our ridiculousness and realize that In praise of folly is the imprase of folly is the... There we go. You're very good at that. Oh yeah, we're embracing silliness. Yeah. So I think that he was saying like we all as soon as we recognize that and we stop holding ourselves to the standards of our strengths and we realise that if you if you're in a foreign country and you ask him on to directions thinking that you're going to get shot down because they're like what be like, what a pretty silly tourist. And you just accept that that's the case anyway.

Starting point is 00:17:10 Then it's a pleasant surprise if you don't. It's quite stoic, which kind of makes sense, but I think if you focus your attention way too much on how silly and crap you are, as Brits, we're already very good at that, I think. And so the tendency then is to become so self-deprecating that it almost becomes a reality or a truth. And we know that the, you know, to try and say this in the least esoteric terms of like what you focus on becomes your reality man, but like the the reticular activating system in your brain will seek patterns in the sense that even if you're listening right now, if you look around in your room for anything red, suddenly your brain tunes into all red items and tunes are everything else and if you close your eyes and then say right, tell me what things in your room were blue,

Starting point is 00:18:01 you tuned out to them and you didn't notice them because they'd already you were focusing on something else. Is this like the, so you think of something you're grateful for argument? You know, like the gratitude journal is if you are focusing on being grateful then you can't be anxious or. I definitely knew this. I'm aware this is a little bit of a departure but the doing gratitude journal is only done it for the first time this year and the only way I've been able to do it is by buying one that only requires three minutes on the morning and three minutes

Starting point is 00:18:36 at night. You've bought the palm off of the five minute journal. I did, it's called the six minute diary. It's unbelievable, isn't it? Absolutely. Absolutely. How someone has gone, ceasing this letter, like express over a minute, five minutes, five minutes, it's an extra minute long. So it's, we've called it a diary, not a journal. So yeah, and doing that, man, like today in the gym, he's a perfect example. So in the gym today, it was talking to another one of the guys at Trains, he said that he hadn't had a lot of sleep and he hadn't had a bunch of other stuff. That meant he wasn't too keen about, or wasn't feeling very confident about how his session was going to go. What I said was, well, you can flip that on its head and you can think, right, I have the opportunity today to do a training session and test myself

Starting point is 00:19:18 when I'm under prepared and I'm under slapped when I'm under reading. Okay, how do I perform with the dreaded? A little bit of a baseline of baseline of, just let it be. Turn this situation on its head and say, okay, what I saw as a weakness is actually an opportunity. This isn't, this hasn't been optimal in terms of preparation. However, I can go into this and think, right, well, how can I use that to my advantage?

Starting point is 00:19:40 Well, maybe if I've got a competition and I go with a little bit of flu, or I go with whatever it is, I know that I can still work to a very high degree capacity. Yeah, that doesn't really tie back to the confidence thing too much, but it's... I think that... But I think that breeds confidence. I think the more that you show yourself that you're able to complete something in spite of not feeling like you want to, the more you just settle into this, it becomes really fine regardless. I think positivity and, you know, you can run a fucking bird.

Starting point is 00:20:11 We can talk until you blow in the face about the power of positivity and stuff like that. But the bottom line is that your thoughts end up becoming an echo chamber for more thoughts, as far as I'm concerned, and momentum's a really, really big deal. Like, catastrophic thinking in the spiral down is often a lot easier than the journey up. So I'm going to speak, but the analogy would be you build bricks one on top of the other, right? So, like, I think we have to define it as well, because the English language is quite clumsy with the word confidence in that- What just confidence means to you again? Because to say, I don't feel confident in my session is very different to someone being a confident person,

Starting point is 00:20:47 which would be the lack of social anxiety, in that case. And I think there's multiple dimensions of it, similar to Will Power, it would discipline. The Steve Pavellina came up with six subcategories of discipline, and they don't necessarily overlap, and you could have very good training discipline. We know people that are really good at hitting the gym six times a week, but they completely lack discipline in another aspect of their personality, for example.

Starting point is 00:21:11 So it's one of the things, it's one of the reasons why I think, so a lot of people judge like an overweight person or someone who's like poorly dressed. And they immediately have all sorts of assumptions on what our person's like. But that that that house might be really tidy, they might be really productive at work. There's research to show that people judge photos of of these people as having certain character traits lazy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:33 And yeah, so what does confidence mean to you? In the context that we're talking about here, what does confidence mean to you? In, in the context that I, that I wanted to pick your brains on, it's, it's the, the, the social aspect of confidence confidence because I think you excel in this particularly. Maybe it's part of your constitution, maybe it's part of your job and you've had to maintain that. And as we talked about in Love Island as well, you were very much able to switch it on when you wanted to. I guess that's not really kind of putting on a certain mask, but there was no holdback and being on TV for example

Starting point is 00:22:05 Is the quickest way to reveal the cracks I think in someone's shyness. Do you think it's the the This is what you know Jordan Peterson talked when talks about mastery in saying that it's you do something and it turns out how you expect Consistently and when you when you can do that, then, you can say you've mastered something. It's the world appearing the way that you planned it to be, is it not something on those lines. It's mastery is a prediction of the world coming true. Yeah, it's your prediction of the world coming true. I see chaos is the opposite.

Starting point is 00:22:38 Yeah, yeah. So like you think you'll get a promotion, you get a promotion promotion. You think you'll end up in a relationship you want, you can get married and it all works out. So I think so that's estimation of ability in a certain well, actually, yeah, actually predicting can you be confident without that occurring though? Because you could, there's people who are confident and then don't end up achieving and just have got blind confidence. And so I think it, yeah, I suppose, yeah. And then Trump, who maybe didn't have have the like you might not have the technical competence But as a result of your belief you almost

Starting point is 00:23:10 Fudge people or fool people into It'll fuel the world into reacting a certain way because of the veneer that so itself belief is not supposed Rather than related to an outcome. It's like even if because even if you think like I'm than related to an outcome. It's like, even if, because even if you think like, I'm class at football, like I'm terrible at football, but if I really believe, like I'm really confident I'm class at football, it doesn't really matter what happens, because I just continue being confident that I'm good at football. Yeah. So that's delusional.

Starting point is 00:23:37 Yeah. As you like, that's the definition of delusional. It's a single belief that has held in the face of any evidence. But is that not to be contrary? To be confident, so I think it's the question. I suppose it can't, it is just delusional confidence, isn't it? It's a single belief that is held in the face of any evidence. But is that not the contrary? Could that still be confidence though? I think it's the question. I suppose it can't, it's just delusional confidence, isn't it? So I guess what J.P. said, like the confidence

Starting point is 00:23:52 that is grounded in reality versus listening to the side of that. So my hips are really tight. I've run-watted today as well, did you? I just trained and I did. I saw you. So, so much pain. Yeah, it's interesting. I think I think that you could look at confidence. First I a Bastion? I think you're a... No, I know. I've got nothing to worry about. Never mind. For me, I really, really don't think that I am, and I think that the capacity for someone to play the game, so to speak,

Starting point is 00:24:43 of being confident or being out. I think that you can actually quite easily conflate confidence with being extroverted because you can play it being extroverted very briefly in short stints. We said this on the LeVyton podcast. I'm on the front door of it. I'm on the front door of a nightclub and I can do a one-rept max, 20-second max effort burst of, yeah mate, you're right, mate, what's going on mate? And then... Yeah, exactly, it's interval training. And then over the years you've increased your work capacity of that... Progressive overload. You're like 100 in a night, 200 in a night, maybe 30 second in a row, actually night, two hundred and a night, maybe thirty second in there, actually, maybe push it up.

Starting point is 00:25:27 So is that how you see it then? Because I honestly think you are the cruton of confidence. Like soups in croutons. Yeah, exactly. So then just, is that, just going to, it's the sort of thing where I believe you that's the correct, you should have that word. The terminology of crouton, which is a little bit more than 1700s, where it's a mocks, or describing, this is exactly what we think all the time.

Starting point is 00:25:47 It's an Edwardian term. So if you were to go tonight, if we were going to a big event, there's going to be loads of people there, lots of networking, let's say without alcohol, if I say a bit, lots of just speaking to people you've never met before. Does the prospect of that make you feel anxious? No. Not at all. No.

Starting point is 00:26:10 So I think that's that is confidence in that setting, which I think is what you're... You feel not, that's like saying, you go into a gym, are you weak? No, I'm not weak, therefore you are strong. That's not the case. That's not the case. So it's like situation specific. Well, even you go into a powerlifting meat in the northeast compared to. Well, I mean, I mean more that what you're saying is that

Starting point is 00:26:30 you are not something which isn't what we're talking about. The apples and the things we're talking about. Yeah, it's not well unless they're opposites. But confidence is the absence of anxiety in a certain situation. Okay. So in that case, to that degree, yeah. One of the things that I wanted to try and get across I was thinking about how to explain this during the podcast. And certainly up until probably about Leve Island, maybe a little bit after that, my confidence was mostly born of my profession, being a club promoter, having to deal with people

Starting point is 00:27:04 who are super, super high energy, and you kind of need to match that or else you get washed away, you need to make an aim for yourself. With social media and stuff like that, people confront all the time, like, can front as in fronting, not confront. So, so true, actually, you see people that give it the big and talk, have all the talk on written and form social media, and you see them in person. And they can't tell you the eye. Yeah, that's what I love now. So I love challenging people like that.

Starting point is 00:27:31 And I think again, one of the main things, and I said it on the violin. It was the, um, not on the violin. I said it on the podcast about the violin. It was one of my concluding thoughts was that speaking the truth for me, it sounds like a JVP sermon all over again, but speaking the truth for me was the one thing that liberated me from feeling, from any remaining feelings of unconfidence, and the fact of the matter is that if you tell the truth in any given situation with regards to confidence, you're kind of bulletproof from anyone calling you out

Starting point is 00:28:03 or from you feeling silly about anything. This is a Mark Manson and a more approach of like, what Mark Manson saying vulnerability is strength because if you can be fully vulnerable, even telling a joke that might not be well received in a social situation is expressing your vulnerability because you're hanging yourself out to dry potentially. Yeah. And then other people are the ones that decide whether... Absolutely. That is exactly right. It's a very endearing quality as well. I think one of the main things that I wish that I'd

Starting point is 00:28:27 known a little while ago, especially with regards to confidence, was that confidence and strength are not two of the same things, like showing that you're this indomitable spirit who never gets swayed and never doubts himself and stuff like that. That's not necessarily confidence. Confidence is telling people exactly how you do feel about things. So over the last three years, I've made a conscious effort to try and be more forthcoming when I do have doubts about myself, specifically through social media.

Starting point is 00:29:01 It's a platform that I've got where I can speak to more people more quickly than doing it to whoever's in the office at the time. But even with stuff like that, having the courage of your convictions, I guess, is one of the main things that has changed for me over the last three years. Previously, I was able to play the role of someone who's confident. Now, you know, I genuinely do believe that I've got a level of confidence that I haven't ever had before in my life, and I do think that I've got a level of confidence that I haven't ever had before in my life. And I do think that almost all of that is attributed to the fact that I just don't care about whether or not someone thinks what I say is silly.

Starting point is 00:29:37 And that is purely due to the fact that I can tell the truth. Because when you start to make up lies and fibs, little white lies, little polkies, little polk pies. What to try and polish the way that you can. Because then what happens is the dynamic changes from someone not liking you to I should have constructed this situation in a different manner to make that person like me. this situation in a different manner to make that person like me. And there's this wonderful sense of liberation. When you just speak your own truth, whatever that may be, and put it out there. And then, okay, well, that guy didn't like me. Well, fine. That's fine. That's me. That's me.

Starting point is 00:30:20 I think, like, I mean, this, we'll have to maybe discuss this in more detail on the I think like, I mean, this, we'll have to maybe discuss this in more detail on the single, singleness podcast, but I know a few people that got heavily into pickup artistry, they're really technical, like, oh, you've got to do this thing and then neg them and then alpha the thing, and it's like, all it did was sort of two friends that really into it, and they both became quite depressed and jaded with the whole thing because, as you said, it made them construct a persona that was attractive to women. But Neil, wasn't it? For 24 hours. And then when they realized who they are, it created more of a divineness, like actually,

Starting point is 00:30:55 like, who I really am, is so different to what women would find attractive that I just feel even worse about myself. But yeah, we'll have to. Yeah. So one of the first things that I think this should not read or hear or watch like confidence 101 because I don't, I don't understand the vast majority of the principles behind it. But you need to have confidence that you have a good understanding

Starting point is 00:31:20 confidence. I think you never ending is it? But you do though, because you have results to show that you're a good understanding of confidence. Like, it's just, you never ending, is it? But you do though, because you have results to show that you're a confident person. Like, if you feel like a confident person, and other people think that you're a confident person, chances are, it's a terrible rhyme, things.

Starting point is 00:31:34 He's like confidence doesn't exist. He says, there is no such thing as a stable personality trait called confidence, because if you put someone in a room on their own, they can't be confident or not confident. Did you not put your phone on silent before this podcast? He was confident that it wouldn't go off. Can you go to an office?

Starting point is 00:31:50 I'm confident I can. So do you think that, given what you said before about being able to put yourself out on the rail, I suppose, is seeking advice from other people. Where does that fit in? Can we just stay on the truth thing for a second? No, I'm going to come back to you. So, and you don't like him, but Garret J. White. His fundamental number one principle is... Very briefly tell us who Garret J-Wayne. He runs a program that is pretty much geared at helping men who are successful in other areas of their life become four-dimensional, so he calls it so people who are overweight, businessmen who are divorced or failing marriages, but are very rich,

Starting point is 00:32:41 but maybe haven't got the other dimensions of their life. Yeah, so what's he say about? So his core starting point is to stop lying and to start telling the truth about like the way that you feel what you want, what's going on, why? He feels that people experience an unpleasant reality and sedate away from what's actually happening, and represent. So rather than like, okay, I'm fat, my marriage is shit. I hate my kids, my job's just this place I go to to numb out, I take loads of drugs,

Starting point is 00:33:11 I get drunk on the weekend, it's like just avoiding the pain rather than setting it into the... It's not the very American things, but how are you, sir? Fantastic. I think very much so around. Yes, ma'am. So, but what's something that he talks about?

Starting point is 00:33:24 Because I think the concept of telling the truth is quite difficult when you get your to around. Yes, ma'am. Yeah. So, but what's something that he talks about? Because I think the concept of telling the truth is quite difficult when you get your head around. Have you read lying by Sam Harris? No. I've been to the list as well. Man, that's lying. Anyone who's listening lying by Sam Harris is a one hour read. It's a short book he's written and it is a conceptual, um, a conceptual justification for why you should never, ever lie, ever. Okay. In no situations. Now, there's a difference between lying through omission and lying through commission. He says that there are times where not telling the full story can be justified. Right. Kids ask about Santa Claus at like two years old. If you lie to them,

Starting point is 00:34:06 outright lie to them about it, then their trust in you is going to be reduced. However, there's some tact that can be used, but the restriction of lying, including white lies, which are the worst ones as far as he's concerned, that read for anyone who needs something to get themselves stuck into it's one hour or you can order it one hour and five minutes. I've been looking for them next. That's a line by, is it? Yeah, it is for you to put audio play, fire Yemen. Straight through the Jordan servers.

Starting point is 00:34:39 Yeah. So Garrett White says, so he talks about being totally honest with yourself and everyone in your community as a starting point before he, because people try and sort of shoe on persons development on top of something that like their life's just in a mess. needs or a hierarchy of confidence before you can be outgoing and extroverted, you need to first be secure within yourself. And this is this is this really really cool quote and I can't remember where it's coming from. I will track it down. Well, it was reading an article a little while ago and it was talking about people that say, I am self-conscious. A lot of people that go into social situations, especially if you're introverted,

Starting point is 00:35:27 can say I'm very self-conscious, but the terms wholly incorrect, they don't mean when they say, I feel self-conscious, they don't mean that. What they mean is, I am conscious of other people being conscious of me. Not conscious of yourself, or I'm worrying about other people's perception of me. The common advice to fix that is to focus your attention outwards and ask people how they're doing and rather stay in this ruminative

Starting point is 00:35:59 ball of life-solute. So I think to try and have a few concrete takeaways, some of the things that I've done that helped me with increasing confidence. Little bit of stuff that actually crosses over with Pick-Up Artistree, if there is anyone who's listening, I want we want to do a couple of episodes that include Pick-Up Artistree. I'd love to have a guest on him, who knows the stuff inside out, so RSD Max or anyone like that if you're listening, but or anyone else who's further down the tree. What's the guy who made the, wrote the game? Neil Strauss. Neil Strauss, you get him?

Starting point is 00:36:33 Well, I'm in Mark Manson. Fine. Get a lot of him. Yeah. Well, RSD Tyler was a little... We did different style back then. People as well. Yeah, for sure. So one of the things that they talk about is power stands, adopting a power stance when you go to a room.

Starting point is 00:36:44 Have you heard about this? Yeah, so I did a lecture on this last week to the World Poster Association. On power stances. It was that included part, so it was saying that posture is regulated by hormonal, cognitive, visual and vestibular control, but the power stance thing is supposed to basically... The original TED Talk in the study was based on the fact that they made people go into a sham interview, stand on the power stance for two minutes, and then they measured their saliva record as our testosterone ratio, and it was higher in those who stood in the power stance first.

Starting point is 00:37:23 What they found later, they repeated the study and there was some statistical manipulation that went on in the first ones. There's actually no evidence of hormonal changes, but I don't think we're looking to elicit a hormonal change with a power stance. We're looking to change the mental state and we know that people's ability to believe their own thoughts, positive or negative about themselves, is worse when they're sat hunched over looking depressed. And when they're sat more upright, they have more confidence in their thoughts. I'm a lion.

Starting point is 00:37:54 I'm a worry-y-key. I'm a lion. I can. Right, I see what you mean. Because I curl 50 kilos. Rather than kilos, I can. I'm a lion. I can fight a lion.

Starting point is 00:38:02 Yeah. I mean, the whole first chapter of 12 rules for life is not really miles away from this Yeah, exactly so I think so Corners or not it does have an effect on Your both the way that people perceive you. I mean that's that's kind of a self-evident thing But also the way that you process your own thoughts and how much you believe What is that stance then just Just upright, normal stance. Feet wide apart, hands on hips if you can without looking like a superhero.

Starting point is 00:38:31 Really, hands on hips. I find it, like when I was doing this, when I was one foot up on it, like, stepped in my exactly. Yeah, like, just. Yeah, so definitely when I was playing around with different tactics for improving my confidence in social situations, that was one of the things that I used to try and do. And whether it works or not, on a hormonal level, I'm unsure, but it's just a gain about sort of, this is me here I am, I don't have anything to worry about. I think one of the main things that you can take away from confidence is that the desire for us all to hold on to our own dignity is one of the key elements of why people have

Starting point is 00:39:19 put lack of confidence. And the problem is that we see everybody else's lives through an increasingly now with social media filtered highlight real version. Yet you see your own life from the negatives. But you see every you see all the blunders, right? But in the confidence book I think it might be Rasmus again as well, says something to the effect of from the high, Rasmus, it's Rasmus. From the highest to the lowest, we must remember even kings and princes shit. Anything well, the highlight real things, such a good point as well

Starting point is 00:39:59 because that's people like edit it like selectively editing and filtering. Well, it's the absolute best version isn't it? Of everything. It's the kind of why would it be on social media? It's the complete contrary to the truth as well. Like you're not speaking the truth forwards necessarily. Like you have the opportunity to lie every point. And this is where you end up with the people

Starting point is 00:40:18 that who have the facade that runs away with them. No, hang on. Like this character's got away from me so much now that the me who I am, I can't be anymore. You go, well, what does that mean? That means that the person who I was or who I really truly am isn't good enough. And I've got to play it to this other person. You're thinking all the time, what would Lov island Chris say? What would confident Chris say? As always, Tim. Yeah, terrifying. So, yeah, definitely, um, as a whole thing. Yeah, terrifying. So, yeah, definitely, definitely need to remember that dignity and a strong grasp on it is not something that you should be concerned about.

Starting point is 00:40:55 Again, going back to the picker pass history thing, one of the stories that I've heard is, if you're with a group of friends and then you go around, I'm gonna go and talk to that group of girls and you get what's called KB'd, get knocked back from a group of girls and you come back over and all of you make, oh me, how sad is that? Well hang on a second, I wonder if you were the only one that expressed my vulnerability by everyone. None of you even had the fucking courage to go over there. So what does that say about you? Like who's got who's got more confidence? The guy that comes back having been knocked back and has a laugh about it with their friends,

Starting point is 00:41:28 because we have to remember. Do you think the friends are testing that person by, like, I think it's a show, I think it's a show vulnerability on their side. I think it's them going, fucking hell. I can't believe he went over and talked to those girls. I wouldn't dare have had the confidence to go over and do my bloody way. I must, I must therefore cover my went over and talked to those girls. I wouldn't dare have had the confidence to go all the way and do my lab, lab, lab, lab, lab, lab. I must, I must therefore cover my own tracks and pretend that I would have done and had success as well. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:53 By drilling someone in, so it's a bit of, to have the confidence in the first place, to me comes from a place of having passed experience of doing something in it, working out quite well. But again, that's confidence purely based on the result. On experiences. No, based on the outcome, which is the wrong way to look at it, because you could go up

Starting point is 00:42:11 to a group of girls every day for the rest of your life, to get KBD at all the time. And so we'll have the confidence, and that's confidence. It's confidence is the lack of attachment to the outcome of that situation. You're right, because that's even more confident. If you've been KB'd a hundred times and you still go and do it with no fear, then that's... So how is that different to me thinking I'm good at football and being terrible? So I suppose the being KB'd for the 101st time, 101st, is not... It can be independent of you or believe about yourself.

Starting point is 00:42:44 It could just be the not feared. So it's the confidence to, I'm going to do this regardless of whether it works well or not. It's a hard one, isn't it? Yeah. It's only hard to define his confidence, the is confidence actually in that scenario resilience to, it goes badly, but that doesn't affect my, it's a lucky to do it again. It's a lucky attachment to whether or not it goes well.

Starting point is 00:43:06 That the what's the is it the four? The four precepts are the four principles that sound like I'll read. Yeah, and it is one of them that anyone's judgment of you is don't ever, is it don't ever judge somebody on, have you got this in you? It's going book. I think so. Right. Well, one of them is essentially... One of them is essentially... Yes, the four agreements. Yes, the four agreements, that's it.

Starting point is 00:43:35 One of them is essentially something along the lines of you getting it up. Yeah. If you go to... I'm going to butcher it if I try and... Yeah. Well, it's the third one, I think Being packable with your word don't take anything personally. That's it. That's the one don't take anything personally if you go under that if you go At summary of it. Yeah for the that second one

Starting point is 00:43:59 There's a Winston Churchill quote which is Successes to move from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Yeah, which I think is fantastic. Which is cool. To me, that's what that is. It's like, I'm just going to follow through with this approach. Well, they don't take anything personally when we're talking about the social situation is exactly correct there. So, the analogy would be, we keep on going back to relationships, which is the easiest one,

Starting point is 00:44:26 but let's talk about it. So you're going to a friend, let's say you want to make friends who are in a new city. You haven't ever been here before and you go up to a group of similar aged guys and you think, oh, these guys are dressed similar to me and they're the similar age to me and maybe they've got similar interests. So you go up and you try and have a conversation with them and they all sort of turn around and look at you weirdly and don't really reply and mumble something and you have to shuffle off and it was all a bit awkward. But you don't know what's just

Starting point is 00:44:53 happened. Those guys could have literally just come from a wake. One of their dads could have just died. Someone could have just split up with them. One of them just found out that they're like, oh, they didn't like me. But actually, one of them just found out that they've got a term in the liliners or anything could have happened. And you could go back three weeks later. And that same group of people could be in a different mindset, something else could have been, might not have happened. And so that's like staying positive about a situation, like something that goes

Starting point is 00:45:26 badly, but instead of thinking, oh, I'm a piece of shit, like I'm worthless, you know what actually probably nothing to do with me. It's like taking anything and just thinking, it's fine anyway. Yeah. Well, again, with that, the only armor that you have to wear in that situation is speaking the truth because if you do anything short of speaking truth then you have you've cultivated the character that you've put forward and you've preened it in a manner that became elective and that decision in which direction you go affected the outcome and that gives you cause to think twice about stuff because you're like, hang on, what if I had said this instead of that? What if I'd said, if I

Starting point is 00:46:18 hadn't said this? If I hadn't said this. If I hadn't said this. If I hadn't said this. If I hadn't said this. If I hadn't said this. If I hadn't said this. If I hadn't said this. If I hadn't said this. If I am, it's out of my control whether people respond negatively or positively to that. 100%.

Starting point is 00:46:26 And yeah, so I guess that, so I have quite an orthodox view of, so I believe desire precedes the feeling, which precedes the thought as opposed to the typical paradigm, which is the other way around. So I think that your core desires, so the wanting of approval, control, and safety, give rise to, so they're like the trunks of the tree, which is the analogy they use, give rise to the emotions, which stem from wanting approval, control, or safety,

Starting point is 00:46:57 and if those things are challenged, and then they create, they provide the soil for the thoughts to come out. I'm mixing analogies, but basically tree trunk, desires, tree branches, emotions, leaves, or thoughts. And so for example, I used to be very nervous on camera because Johnny and I started propane fitness as a written blog and we were just writing articles and then suddenly we were like, oh, say, say, right? Say by the screen, we were just keyboard warriors that didn't lift and we were, you know,

Starting point is 00:47:27 but then we were like, okay, you know, the first step is you put up a topless photo online. It's a little bit scary, especially when people are looking at it in the office and so on. Then it was like, right, we need to do podcasts and videos. First time I did a video, I remember being petrified, I had to re-record 25 times and any little stumble, I'd be like, oh no, I'm gonna edit it out and stuff,

Starting point is 00:47:45 or re-record. And over time, I think just from a purely evolutionary or physiological basis that you apply repeated scary stimuli, you become less sensitive to them. And now there's no fear to doing video, that things like a live video, where you see the little green light, and you're like, right, 15,000 people, if you, if you fuck up, like that's it, you just have to roll

Starting point is 00:48:08 with it. And I remember that being really scary, but what's happened is, on a neurochemical basis, you're less reactive to that scary stimulus, and then as a result, your mind starts then justifying more positive thought patterns, which are, you know what, it doesn't matter, it's natural everyone messes up, everyone stumbles over things or whatever it is that you're might so it's not that you changed your thoughts and therefore you became less fearful. It's that you change the feeling and then your thoughts about the subject changed as a result. Yeah, it's a lovely, I'm a lovely, lovely concept. I remember feeling like you were saying first few videos like, oh my god, what if this goes wrong? Yeah. And now if something goes wrong, my first thought usually is like, if anyone takes the piss,

Starting point is 00:48:54 like you do a live video. Good. Well, like it's again with that. So this comes back to the thing about the vulnerability a little bit that I think a lot of the time confidence is confused with strength or a lack of vulnerability and that's totally not true. The vulnerability and this is to anyone who wants to anyone who's struggling to make friends one of the best things that you can do is show you vulnerabilities and not your strengths to people because vulnerabilities are so endearing and strengths just make you look like a, like, a world to do, twice.

Starting point is 00:49:30 Well, that's something that we talked about in the last one of the professor that gave a speech in a classroom with people, and they ran it twice, the split tested it. Only difference was at the start of one of them, the professor dropped the papers on the floor of the home park, and people rated them liking the second professor much more than just so honest. Yeah, the vulnerability is such a big deal. And that's the same if something goes wrong, you know, previously when we were first doing this podcast, I'm aware that this is only, you know, into the teens of the episodes now, but at the very very start, I would be hyper, hyper concerned about whether or not something, something was a bl blender or something messed up. But that's just a much a part of the character is anything

Starting point is 00:50:09 else. Obviously, if it was five minutes of that would be a little bit silly. This is your post-hoc rationalization now. Whereas if you had a blender in episode one, you'd be thinking, oh, but now, like because the feelings changed, your brain produces different thoughts about the subject, maybe it rationalises it as, oh, you know what, people are just listening in their car, they're not going to care about a couple of seconds of, whatever. But again, it just adds character. Do you know what I mean? It all comes back to me, it all comes back to speaking the truth, that if you're perfectly happy with what it is that you're putting forward, the truth that you're speaking and the person you are being forward. So what? Like it doesn't

Starting point is 00:50:52 matter. But again, if you were, oh, well, I was trying to play the role of X, that made me blunder shit. Maybe if I tried to do the role of Y, that wouldn't have made me blunder because it becomes discerning rather than just sort of like a straight line. There's a really is a protection from that as well though. Like, oh, at least I wasn't showing the true me. And it was just the mask that got knocked down. Yeah, but I mean, that's such a false economy that the level of indestructiveness that

Starting point is 00:51:22 you have or invincibility that you have as a person being truthfully and honestly yourself and trying to be as close to virtue as possible is it's unbeatable, absolutely unbeatable. Contrary to it isn't it, but yeah. I think there's any scenario that's something that Garry is an example when he decided, like I'm just going to be totally honest about everything. He's in the, he's buying something in a shop, standing at the till, and the lady goes, how's your day, sir? He goes, I'm fucking shit, like fucking terrible.

Starting point is 00:51:51 I've had a shit day, and like, he's just, just says exactly what time his mind, and uses it. He uses the, he has this, the caveat as like, honesty is best used when it's relevant to a situation. Yeah, yeah. If you're walking along the street, you're like, you're fucking fast. What was it, really? like honesty is best used when it's relevant to a situation. Yeah. If you're walking along the street, you're fucking fast. What was it, really? Weirdo.

Starting point is 00:52:09 Yeah. Like technically you're telling the truth and you being honest. Real, and relevant. Yeah. Yeah. So is there any situate? Like what I think what I'm trying to get across is I think saying to someone who has no context,

Starting point is 00:52:21 just tell the truth. That has to be a lens with which I put through otherwise it's like You know you can't have to have a much worse experience of life. I mean you brushed on autism early run. I mean that's what Yeah, I mean, I think yeah, you are right. You need to curate whatever it is that you're doing. I think that you can curate your whatever it is that you're doing. I think that you can create your, you can create your projection whilst not editing your persona for people. So, it's more smooth than the delivery. Yeah, yeah. Like, the way that I talk to people on the front door is like, I mean, that'd be a bit over-weight, rather than, yeah, you fucking fuck it. Like, you've said about the, um,

Starting point is 00:53:01 Yeah, you're fucking stupid. Like, you've said about the referentially looking back with this level of perspective on things that you can, if you knock something off. Nope. Did you like this all off? My knee's getting sore, is it? I'm sure. Something's wrong.

Starting point is 00:53:19 I know, I know, he toes going blue. Whatever. Blue toe? I've got, I've just got that circulation. As long as you're confident that I'll be okay. It will be. Well then, it's a truthful thumb. Thumb.

Starting point is 00:53:30 Thumb. Thumb. Thumb. Thumb. Big chosen thumbs are very similar. Thumb. Thumb. Thumb.

Starting point is 00:53:37 And so you have both read or listened to his dark material, doesn't he? Mm-hmm. And there's this concept in that, which keeps on coming up. Anyone who hasn't, it's a series of books by Philip Pullman. They butchered it when they tried to turn the first one into a film called Northern Lights. I don't even see that.

Starting point is 00:53:55 Yeah, it was a terrible. Considering that I was a massive fan of the book, because yeah, I think we all worked. It just really, like, disnified it. It was just shit. It was so shit, considering how brilliant that book series was. So anyway, it's a fancy novel series, three books long. And in it, this girl finds that she's able to do something naturally that is incredibly

Starting point is 00:54:20 rare. Then, as she comes of age, impberty, she finds that she loses the skill. And during this conversation with her, kind of like the head matron of this particular discipline, she talks about this journey through unconscious grace, to conscious ungrace, to conscious grace. to conscious ungrace, to conscious grace, and this a lot of the time is what I feel like the journey through confidence can be like, that people may naturally have a particular capacity within a social situation. Then a few situations will occur that make them think, holy fucking shit, there's a lot on the line here, people can think I'm silly and this and the other, they become conscious, they lose the skill, they lose the talent and then the woman says it in the book, she says, it will take you a lifetime to learn,

Starting point is 00:55:14 but your depth of understanding will be infinitely greater than it ever was before. And I think that that, with regards to a lot of pursuits that are to do with social skill, is exactly what happens. So for instance, I remember this is not like that, but I remember when I was about five years old, running and sun-asolving off a diving board on holiday because I had absolutely no concept of fear. Then I remember being about 10 or 11 when I'd stayed swimming properly and had clunked my head off the side of a swimming pool a few times and thought, fucking well, no way.

Starting point is 00:55:46 From the diving board. Oh, yeah, from whatever variety of accidents that it's swimming pool, it's so painful. And thinking, there's fucking no way you're going to get me running. What if I slip, what if I do this to that and the other? And then you think, right, okay, I now need to retrain myself to have this conscious grace. Mm. And it's the it's that reflex from a little bit of trauma that can break down someone's natural capacity to do

Starting point is 00:56:15 thing. Trading, like we talked about last time. Yeah exactly that. Yeah well you said the best traders are often the newest traders are often the best one. I think they go lucky attitude and they just, they trade as they feel rather than obsessing over every minor. So you're now trying to get back to the same state of mind you're in when you first started. Yeah, I mean, conscious and grace right now. And then, yeah, speaking of diving boards, I don't know if you ever jumped off like the really high one. It's never a ball.

Starting point is 00:56:42 It's just a powerful one. Oh, gosh. I remember it like it's like a ball. It's a very effective one. Oh, gosh. I remember it's like a proper slap in the ball sack. Like if you feet are even slightly apart. Yeah. I think after that it was like, you know, I did it. I did it. I did it.

Starting point is 00:56:55 I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it.

Starting point is 00:57:03 I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. The slow-crows are connected. How's that helpful? You get hit in the box, you feel sick. Great. If you understand the physiological response of being kicked in the nads, please tweet me so that we can understand it for the next one. It might require multiple tweets, but please find it. Do you not understand it? So there will be a referred pain other than I think. Like, so if you have air under the diaphragm or liver swelling, you can get shoulder tip pain because the same nerve that invades the diaphragm also invades the skin at the tip of the shoulder.

Starting point is 00:57:30 That's interesting. So do you two experience nausea? You get kicked in the balls? I haven't been kicked in the balls for ages. When was the last time you got kicked in the notes? A long time. Either memory of someone swimming beneath me and coming up like that. Head, intervals, and others. Like I just get out the pool. I'm gonna, that's it.

Starting point is 00:57:52 And you're like, it's one of those moments you realize how hard someone's head is as well. Like the headbutt of someone the other day actually. And yeah, just in the head. How? Oh, God. What was happening?

Starting point is 00:58:05 He was a bit drunk and didn't look where he was going. We went and looked at head-burging, charging hands. You didn't just go. Oh, mate. Oh, mate. Yeah. Yeah, is there anything else I want to do? Yeah, so I think for me, there was a time in my life

Starting point is 00:58:21 when I remember feeling very uncomfortable. And then a phase where I feel like I'm quite confident now And I think for me that's so that's Going from being chubby kid to It's being seen as the person who's like oh Johnny's massive like it goes to gym or that sort of stuff And so for me, I think strength trainings always been something that allowed me to build my confidence in a very contained way. Because you have a series of experiences, which is like, I can't do that.

Starting point is 00:58:52 Oh, I've done it. Oh, that didn't go very well. But I've succeeded anyway. And it's just a series. So that you've touched on two separate elements there. One of them is about your intrinsic successes, which are meaningful to you. The other one was to do with other people's perceptions. Now, if anyone is trying to rely,

Starting point is 00:59:10 get their confidence to rely on other people's perceptions of them, you're building a house on very, very shaky foundation. I agree, but I think for a lot of people, so a lot of people I know who I can perceive to be confident, strength-trying. So that's a really interesting thing as well because if somebody, I think the strength training is the initial precipitance to gaining confidence, then it depends from that point how much it hinges

Starting point is 00:59:36 on that by how much the investor identity in that. So you have like the powerlifter who has all the gear and really invest the right identity in the bald beard, like top-knock, a little metal, and really invest the right identity as the powerlifter. And then if they have an injury or whatever and they can't do that thing, it can go one of two ways. It can either be that they've built up their confidence and it's ratcheted up and they've leveraged. Yeah, they've proved to themselves that they have competence to then expand to other things. Or they invested so heavily in that identity that, and I think, it might have been Eric Helms actually, or someone said to, I was Eric Helms, he had your identity across

Starting point is 01:00:23 multiple things. So that, because he was like, I'm not always going to be a bodybuilder and you know at some point I'm going to be old and fat so if I need to add value in other areas you have to yeah otherwise if I just go balls in on that thing it's it's like I am Johnny and I power lift versus I'm Johnny the power lifter yeah to very different reality that's why that's why I like the idea of the top not for you it hedges my person out of it. Yeah, kind of, but it's because it makes you more of an enigma is look at all of these things. So well written, well spoken, well educated, charted accountant, but then

Starting point is 01:00:56 also able to pick up 310 kilos. Fuck, he's got a top not as well. Yeah. Great to this. Like, oh my god Just getting pebble dash with so this I don't think we've actually even touched There's another Don Miguel Ries thing don't allow people to put you in a box. Don't be categorizable I think I think being I think being multi-faceted So some people are by their very nature are within a cookie cutter mold some people have to fall within that Yeah, and I really want to do by their very nature, within a cookie cutter mold. Some people have to fall within that. Yep. And I really want to do, this is quite a nice and positive one, for me because of my natural temperament.

Starting point is 01:01:34 I, there wasn't that loud. That was loud. Yeah. I've got a depressing personality sometimes. And one of the things that I really, really want to do a podcast on is why we're fated to be lonely, which is a YouTube video done by Alan DeBotten from School of Life. And as a part of that one of the things he says is that the more subtle and unique, the

Starting point is 01:02:00 more subtle and mindful your views are, the fewer people are going to be like you in society and given the choice between honesty and acceptability, most of us understandably choose the latter. But again with that, if you have this multifaceted, slightly country, slightly subtle, different world view presuming that it's not going to offend anyone to get you in jail. Might be an idea to try and speak it forth because it'll open up some of the people's eyes. And especially with the internet, you will find people that resonate with you. Oh, I've said, you're across Thai people who love you, people who hate you, people who

Starting point is 01:02:37 love you. Yeah. It polarises opinion. One of the things we haven't really touched on yet, I don't think at all in this. I think the podcast we started doing Modern Wisdom, post in the post JBP world. So Jordan Peterson was being a guiding force for me in understanding myself. And I think you guys do a degree as well. One of the key habits that he asks people to cultivate is to clean up their room. And what he says is that...

Starting point is 01:03:09 Blimey hell! Clean your room! I mean, these kids that they're 18 and they want to go out and change the world. They've got dirty socks on the room. How can you opine about the economic state of the world when you can't even clean your room? So what he says is that your bedroom is a domain of competence within everybody's capacity. So everyone can clean their room.

Starting point is 01:03:33 Like unless you're one of the people, with those people out of like hoarders, like you can clean your room. You could have a disability. Okay. Thanks. It made me feel really, really, and I, wait, the shape is on for this. Most people, a large majority of people, can clean their room. And what we blind.

Starting point is 01:03:56 Thanks, John. Well, that's offensive to blind people who can't clean their room. No, John. Because they're going to say, well, I just said, might be blind. They didn't say people who can't clean their room. No, it's not. Because they're going to say, well, I just said it might be blind. I didn't say blind people can't clean their room. Were you applied that? They're going to be safe. An implication is a very personal thing.

Starting point is 01:04:12 What you've taken as my implication might not be what I applied. I'm responsible for what I say until you understand. I choose my word very carefully. Very, very, very precise. You saw that, was it you that sent me the WEP? Yeah, that was brilliant. As you know, like I have mixed feelings about them, but things like that are brilliant.

Starting point is 01:04:32 I think you have a few mixed feelings about John Peterson before you read his book. The book for me as well has been really, really difficult going. Anyway, so you talked about your bedroom is a domain of competence. And once you've mastered that, you can then look to X, but okay, so what else can I clean up? Okay, maybe I can go kitchen, maybe I can go into the living room, maybe I can help someone else with their bedroom

Starting point is 01:04:55 or their problems or whatever it might be. And it's starting in a domain that is a safe space, so to speak, it's something that you know that you can get mastery over pretty quickly and you build the brick on top of that and the powerlifting analogy that you use for yourself seems a little bit like that. It's a domain of competence that you are capable within. Now obviously it's by virtue of gravity it can be quite hard. That's progressive,. That's the thing. You know, because you put more weight on, which to me seems, because you've picked it up, you've picked it up, and then you put more weight

Starting point is 01:05:34 on and you pick it up again. Sometimes you have to do it more than one time. That seems almost pointless. Yeah, ridiculous. Because you put it down in the same place. Every single time, and pick it up in exactly the same way. Yeah, yeah. I think that creates, you almost witnessed it, like we see it with our clients, and you then become different people. So much. And I don't think it's because of the muscle mass,

Starting point is 01:05:54 it's because of you said they've proven to themself that they can be competent in something and they extrapolate that to other. Yeah. And that's all. And I go from like, I'm overweight, I don't like how I look to like, oh my god. I've done this. I look totally different.

Starting point is 01:06:08 What else can I do? So it's self belief, I think, rather. Self efficacy, isn't it? Yeah, that is true. Like I've done what I said. How does that manifest itself moving forward in confidence? Confidence is the meta-term. I think it's just believing that you can go do something to change.

Starting point is 01:06:25 Exactly. Yeah. So that's the same as like, you go into a job interview and you think I'm going to do well here rather than, oh, I'm not worth a job. Someone who's like got gold medal at Worlds probably, probably has quite a lot of like, I'll be all alright with that. Yeah. This is someone who's like never tested their physical abilities or pushed themselves outside

Starting point is 01:06:50 their comfort zone. So I'm sure that there must be people who are potentially not on the physical side, but cerebral-y testing themselves very heavily. Yeah. Someone who's studying for a crazy research degree or whatever it might be. And these people are overcoming obstacles in a similar manner. So I was going to say there's a lot, there's a high suicide rate in Cambridge University, for example, of people who like, and they tend to be the highest performers that are so

Starting point is 01:07:17 hard on themselves for not living up to high expectations. Stations, up here. Yeah. So I wonder what was going on there? I did an Instagram post that was that concluded with something on the lines of the line between self-motivation and self-compassion is a lot wider than you think. And I think that a lot of the time people can confuse being compassionate with themselves with not having drive to be better. So allowing yourself to, you had confidence to go into a situation that situation didn't

Starting point is 01:07:50 turn out the way that you wanted. Okay, how should I then re-discipline myself after this situation occurred? Oh, absolutely. If I don't beat myself up, then how am I going to? I'm not going to learn. I'm going to think that like this was an acceptable outcome, despite the fact it wasn't the outcome that I wanted. And you go, well, the mutually exclusive, the best way to do that,

Starting point is 01:08:09 and one of the tactics that I've been using more recently for this has been, treat yourself as if you were a friend that you were responsible for helping, again, another Jordan Peterson rule. And you wouldn't lay into them all the time. You'd be like, look, here are your faults. You can improve it rather than mind. Let's make a plan to improve it better, right?

Starting point is 01:08:34 Absolutely. Remind them every day. Yeah, every day. Yeah. Like, a lot of the time, I'll think, like, what would you say? If one of your friends came to you with this particular problem, what would you say to them? And, you know, if you can fit, if one of your friends came up to you and you were like,

Starting point is 01:08:47 what? Just reminded me of in Lifehack's 103, give it a listen great episode, was when Johnny said, sometimes if you have multiple captures across different things, or you've captured it, then you forgot to review the capture, and then it's your brain's way of being like, Ha-ha, dickhead. You forgot to action this and now you're... I was listening to that, yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:08 Now you're paying for them. I had an experience of the day and I remember your voice came into my head of I made a reminder which I use Siri so I use like the... Remind me to, and it misinterpreted it, the reminder came up 9am next morning looked at it and I'm like, no I do what it is.m. next morning looked at it and I'm like, no, I do what it is. You were always carrying my head and I was like, I'm just going to stop her. What is it, you're like, yeah. And you just feel worse.

Starting point is 01:09:32 Because you remember, you know the hatcher, remember. You know the hatcher, remember. I set a reminder for it and I've got no idea what it is because Siri can't decipher my words. And you get a call two weeks later from your dentist being like, we're going to have to discharge you from our clinic because you're not attending to the clinic. You're like, ah, damn it. Fuck!

Starting point is 01:09:48 So someone who has a really interesting perspective on self-management, Jocko Willink. Yeah, okay. He's just so far over on the red lining under the spectrum. Like his Instagram, every other post on Instagram is his watch at 4am, like 4am, 4am, 3.59. When he wakes up, and then there's a photo of a pool of sweat where he's been entrained,

Starting point is 01:10:11 and he just puts the aftermath. And he had a video about what to do when things aren't going well in your life. It's like, oh, you didn't get that job, your girlfriend broke up with you, like, good. Like, your business failed, good. Your fat now has shaped good. He business failed, good, you're fat and out of shape, good. He's like reload, regroup.

Starting point is 01:10:29 Oh, he's a fucking good after. He's a fucking, I don't know. Well, he's a fucking Navy seal. Yeah. But that part of me thinks like, if you just treat yourself like a drill sergeant the whole time, there's probably not even time to be like, I'm a weak piece of shit

Starting point is 01:10:43 because you just always. He's already been, you're doing burpees in there. Yeah, I'm out of each and you. You just knock it all the time, you're like, I've got to get off through it. Like what would Jocco do? What would Jocco do? You know what space for like a chapter? You know what it is? Gary V is a pussy version of Jocco. They're very similar, yeah, very similar.

Starting point is 01:11:00 You're gonna have to subscribe to Jocco. Except Gary's like, just post on Instagram, Gary V ain't not Jocco. And Jocco looks like, just post on Instagram, Gary Vaynerchuk. And the drop of it's like, fuck you, get to the gyms for ya. Don't press snooze, get up, you bastard. Yeah, I wonder what would happen if they met. Gary Vaynerchuk.

Starting point is 01:11:17 They probably agree on a lot of things. I really, really hope Dr. Wollink punches the event. He's just so irritating. But if you listen to some of the experiences as a Navy SEAL that Jocco has had, you do think like if you've been in those sort of scenarios, anything else is just an absolute insignificant slide. The fight club thing is that when you've been in a fight

Starting point is 01:11:40 that morning, everything else the rest of the day has been all shoot down. Yeah, and like, I think there is no one to that. But this is one of the things you can't expedite life experience. Hmm. To a degree, you can try and cram it in. Hmm. But there's a required time and attention that you need to go through.

Starting point is 01:12:01 For something to really sink in. Yeah. 100% because you need, it's not just the time that it takes, it's not just having the experience, it's then the reflective period of the experience, then the experience again with a new set of eyes and new approach. And do you think that is what explains the general increase in people's confidence with age? Like do you think it's because there's time available for those experiences to be processed

Starting point is 01:12:23 or do you think there's some kind of thing inherent to aging that causes it? No, I think it's that if you have a smaller sample size something going incredibly well or incredibly badly is more of an outlier than if you then... Okay, you've got more samples, more of a band, you've seen it all before. ...for experiences though. Yeah, here we are again. That's the story. I thought this was 105% greatness. Actually, in 10 years time I've realised that that wasn't even a 50% of greatness.

Starting point is 01:12:49 So you just become more cynical but also more calm about things because it's just like, well, you're just more measured. It's just more measured. It's being measured about experiences. And this is one of the things when it's very liberating for me personally, as a single guy growing, getting older now as I'm 30, you can walk into a club or walk into a bar or whatever it might be. And previously you walk up to a group of, like, I don't know, your early 20s, guys, and previously there'd be this sort of chest up, dick measuring kind of, what do you do? What do you do?

Starting point is 01:13:26 What do you do? Like that kind of thing. And now I'm interested in your progression of this. It's just, just now, you can kind of have a smoke sense of satisfaction as you get older. It's the one thing, like times the one thing that we don't get any of it back.

Starting point is 01:13:42 It's also the one thing that you can't cheat it either way. You can't make yourself younger and you can't make yourself older. And it means that it's kind of... I'm even in the other half of those. What I've been using, currents for many years. Oh, you love oil. Oil. Oil. Oil.

Starting point is 01:14:00 Oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. So, did you used to ever experience, so that situation, walking up to a group of guys, you said, so you wouldn't experience anxiety, per se, but it was more of a... Oh, no, massively, massively. Oh, okay, and then the, I guess the compensation is just that.

Starting point is 01:14:16 Yeah, a little bit. But you used to be, I suppose. And then... Yeah, I think definitely, I was an only child, which means that your socialisation is very, very different to someone socialization is very, very different to someone that's got sibling, incredibly different. And I think definitely to a degree, it meant that I was probably slower to socialise and also soar it. Soar it more as an experiment and more as a list of inputs and outputs, something to be

Starting point is 01:14:47 mindful of, rather than a natural part of day-to-day discourse, because for me growing up, I didn't have, I'd play a lot of sports and those would be my brothers and sisters, so to speak, put a lot of that stuff didn't come naturally to me, so I had to cultivate it, which actually allowed me to deal how far on the spectrum we all are, of like, I saw social interaction as a series of inputs and outputs. Absolutely. It is like, I can't make a pretence about the fact that it came naturally to me. Do you think it's autistic to even think I want to get better at my ability to socialise. No, you don't.

Starting point is 01:15:27 No. Do you think, so the thought I always have is like, I have this like stock guy in my head who's like similar age to me, all they care about is like beer and the football match and like pop idol and all these sorts of things. I'm aware that pop idol, you can see what they did. So, and like, wouldn't even consider like getting an allable account, or do they, does even cross their mind? Like, I'd like to improve my ability

Starting point is 01:15:56 to socialize with other people. So that's the unconscious grace thing that there's a natural, because I think social intelligence is so independent of normal intelligence that you can have. And you have, you met people that are like, you wouldn't class them as the brightest tool in the shed, but they're so... Aggression, but really engaging.

Starting point is 01:16:12 And I guess if you make them start dissecting it, actually, it's probably going to take things apart. Right, you're getting your half before the TV. It's really true. You know, it's a good example of this. We're talking about strength sports, to meet true clock off. Hmm. Has a very unconventional style of lifting his feet at two clothes together, sometimes one's in front of the other. Got bowed legs, isn't he?

Starting point is 01:16:30 Yeah, he's just, he lift, he lifts it in Russian, he does lift. He lifts in a style which a coach would come over and say, well this is wrong, he misses wrong, he misses wrong, but naturally he's very capable within the domain of competence. How much you'll smudge? How much more? Yeah, with what? So, yeah, it's just some people have this natural ability. But you write, like, some people, quite rightly so, don't want to cultivate... Well, they don't have to systematize it. It can just be. Well, no, they just don't want to. Maybe they're bad socially and they don't care.

Starting point is 01:17:04 Or maybe they're bad socially and they have no desire to get better. So is that confidence? So that but yeah, because then being bad socially not caring actually is that desirable But again, I think confident I think confidence can be broken down to a lack of a lack of attachment to the outcome of something So if you are not bothered about whether or not it goes well or goes badly. You can all be explained by. Yeah. Well, I suppose the safety catch on that is that if you're bad socially, like you're socially anxious, but you don't care about it, then you wouldn't be socially anxious because social anxiety is still correct in mechanism.

Starting point is 01:17:42 Yeah. So, but maybe all you care about is like, warcraft and like when you're social anxious, all you think about is warcraft. So you're like, I'm social anxious, but I genuinely go ahead and think, yeah, we do an episode on how to become more confident within warcraft within the warcraft. Oh, it's warhammer. Sorry, Warcraft is the big time on my MMO RPG. Oh my God. Okay. So one more question, which so if you are seeking advice from people, yeah, how does that fit into your definitions of confidence? Can you explain what I'm not sure. So seeking advice, getting a coach, I don't even buy that. I just

Starting point is 01:18:23 mean that I'm fit in with insensitive. like, so if self efficacy and self assuringness is all about being comfortable with your decisions and knowing that how does then see from the vast amount of people being being comfortable. What is going on here? Is it all about my trickander? Isn't that your person? So what's the birth? It's involved. It's involved. It's just either a sack of fluid or someone who manages the finances of a school. So I think that when you're talking about confidence, a admission that you want to bet yourself

Starting point is 01:19:00 without feeling silly or concerned about the process that you're going to go through is absolutely a part of that. Okay, because I suppose that even in seeking advice there's a spectrum of like being an ask call and just asking for the sake of it or going overboard asking advice but not actually taking any of it and just using it as a procrastination tool or asking so that it confirms your existing view search confirmation bias, or it's totally, what's the word, unbiased, like asking for advice and then taking some advice. Or what's more liberating than you thinking to yourself, okay, I need to get better at X. I'm going to ask a question about it.

Starting point is 01:19:41 What requires more confidence than that? So I think that's a level of vulnerability to sit with just like backing yourself that if you're told to do something, like if you ask for advice and someone gives you advice and you trust that person, you're like go for it. Okay, so I want to ask that confidence in them, right? Yeah, it's, it's accurately assessing your, so like for example, we were like, okay, our fashion ability is quite low. We know someone who we can assess It's, I suppose it's accurately assessing your roots. So like, for example, we were like, okay, our fashion ability is quite low. We know someone who we can assess,

Starting point is 01:20:10 it has a more complete understanding of that outsource. So being objective with yourself is much as possible. I guess so, yeah. Trying to say, where am I weak, where am I strong? Yeah, where can I be? Again with that, that comes back to being able to be truthful because one of the problems I had, I played a role for a very very long time.

Starting point is 01:20:27 The one that ended up manifesting itself on Love Island and oddly enough was highlighted to myself internally so starkly that it was what made me realize right, you need to actually have been but it's definitely definitely fucking not. And three weeks with 100 cameras on you was made it quite apparent. I think that I spent an awful lot of time pretending to be something that I wasn't and that series of lying meant that I actually didn't know what I was good and what I wasn't good at. Like how was I able to work out, which elements of my life needed work, when everything was alive, the lies and the fronting and the facade and the veneer had become so much a part of me that I didn't know where I finished and it began. So it's because I mean people are supposed to have different, you know, like you get, you go through a horrible,

Starting point is 01:21:26 traumatic experience or protection, whatever, and suddenly you're forced to reveal the true you and for you that was love, I'm a bit seriously though. Like you're like, here I am in this world and I'm realizing, like, holy shit, the person that I've been trying to like put out to the world, I can't sustain.

Starting point is 01:21:46 So there has to be a gap between love island and crescent, real cres. Yeah. And other people, like, are either playing crash or, you know, get marooned on an island and you went on a reality TV show. And it's all the island. It's all the same thing. I was on an island. I was marooned on an island. Is it actually just an island? It's me, Walker.

Starting point is 01:22:03 All right. Which is nice. It's nice place to be marooned. That's all right. You went marooned. Is it actually just an island? It's me, okay. All right. It's nice place to be marooned. That's all right. You went marooned. I wasn't. I didn't want to be. You're not going to be marooned either anymore. No more marooned. But only because he has confidence in you. He does. And his ability to follow the advice. Right. Anything else, any closing thoughts? I think we covered some pretty good ground in that. I was a lovely run-through of definitions, different domains of confidence, and what you've done.

Starting point is 01:22:32 Because I think I was excited to do this episode to see what your revolution has been, and how you see the whole discipline of confidence, being the person who I think is the most, at least the most confident person that I know personally, like going to isolate. I love you, exactly. Well, like, so we went to isolate them together, the three of us. And I remember just it was ridiculous. Like, but I suppose a club is the, is your, that's your family. Stopping around, isn't it? Yeah, sorry.

Starting point is 01:23:06 But it's the same, if you were, like the guy that started on you, the several, several women flocking, flocking to, like it was all quite. I started on you in Iceland. Yeah, and they're trying to get us off his table. In Iceland? Yeah, when we were in that bar,

Starting point is 01:23:20 not that it was like, and he was like, I've bought this bottle, this single bottle. Oh, yeah, it's going to come on. And the dormant, the dormant realised like, You're like, okay, I'll make it for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that made me feel so. And I think it was, it was like,

Starting point is 01:23:35 it was like, all right, then you want to speak, I can't remember how much. What was funny about that looking back, actually, was I felt a sense of total calm, because I was just like, Chris is dealt with this a million times. Thousands of times. It was just, it was a pissed up 22 year old who'd bought a single bottle of Smyrnaf and

Starting point is 01:23:51 thought that that somehow gave him right to move me off his table. Yeah. And physically tried to push you off. He did. And then the dormant put his hand in the way in between both of us and said basically, sort of waggle his finger at him. This is obviously a kid who goes to the club a fair bit. And that was a kid. So the dormant had done that. So I put my hand on his back and I said, you just sort of waggle his finger at him. This is obviously a kid who goes to the club a fair bit. And that was a kid.

Starting point is 01:24:06 So the dormant had done that. So I put my hand on his back and I said, you just listen to your dad, yeah. That was back on. That was it. Yeah. And oh no, you just listen to your boss. And then just waited there, finished my drink,

Starting point is 01:24:18 put my drink back down on his table, and then like. Oh yeah, it was just a feeling of like, I'm trying to think of an example. It's like being in a Being in a plane crash, but you know the pilot's colors. Yeah, it's fun It's like this is not like that guy has no idea how many times Chris is dealt with people like him in situations like this And it'll work out fine. It's like he's Iceland. It's no different exposure exposure. Yeah, it's time of detention Right, I think I would like to part with yes, start with something like if you feel like you're lacking confidence, start

Starting point is 01:24:50 with doing trying to do something just yourself like the make you better example improve to yourself that you can achieve something. Prove to yourself that you can be consistent with something that you set yourself to do. I wonder if that ice cream fans being picked up on them. Mr. Whippy. I'd not agree. I agree. Yeah, hold on here. Find a domain of competence and start to push it a little bit. Improve yourself that you can do something that you maybe

Starting point is 01:25:20 don't right now, don't feel like you can. And then over time, as a result of doing that, you become a different person and start to set the bar slightly higher and slightly higher. Until one day, you're doing things that like two years ago you've never thought before. Well, there's a great, significant point to make it progressive as well. Because I think if you suddenly hold yourself to standards

Starting point is 01:25:39 that are way above your current level, like the Cambridge suicide, like you're only going to fall short of it. As opposed to, yeah, begin with your domain of built and throw momentum in, in broad terms. This is again, I know that people just need to remain to learn more. There's things become thought as opposed to thought to become things. And it's, if you spend the entire day, there's no difference between the girl who spends

Starting point is 01:26:00 the entire day ruminating about going to the gym, obsessing, listening to a gym play list to amp herself up and using every ounce of willpower to get herself to the gym. And the girl who just gets in the car and ends up at the gym, the only difference is one of them is used up a fuck ton of willpower and energy getting there. There was something you said to me, this is not really related, I have an evernote which is things I've learned from my friends, like lessons. There was something you said to me, it was in the same conversation where you initially I have an evernote, which is things I've learned from my friends, like lessons.

Starting point is 01:26:25 It was something you said to me. It was in the same conversation where you initially said that to me. Where it was something about my shoelaces. And it was like, I was like, it's okay, because there's a process, because if I trip on my shoelaces, I know to tie them up. And you said, yes, but if you act on the result rather than the... I can't around. That doesn't put you in the name of that one. That's like when I quoted you with Cori Allen and you had absolutely. Did I say that?

Starting point is 01:26:51 I think I did. But yeah, I remember you saying like, because at the time I was being really inconsistent with my training and you use that as an example, there's no, like, you don't have to make fanfare about it. Just do it. Just start doing something. Yeah, and the same thing. So I think you told you right, to begin, I think confidence can be...

Starting point is 01:27:12 Confidence needs to be a belief that your capacity is greater than what you think it is. Or it's greater than what you believe it to be currently. That if you were presented with a challenge, that there is a fair chance that you may be able to overcome it. And if you don't, you will be okay. Or you'll figure it out. No matter what happens. So I'm going to go to the gym. Today I'm going to try and PR. I'm going to pick up at 315 kilos. I didn't pick up 315 kilos. Okay, what can we learn from that? So I think, beginning with the domain of competence,

Starting point is 01:27:47 fucking cleaning room, like, honestly, the single biggest impact that I've been able to have is being making my bed every day. And this is a combination, actually, of the video of the naval officer that went viral online about cleaning your car. Gold cast. You just talked about making your bed.

Starting point is 01:28:03 And that's like 50 million views. If you haven't seen it, search Goldcast. I think it'll come up. It's like the first win of the day. On the first, yes. You've nailed it. You've already started the day well. Look, right, my bed's made.

Starting point is 01:28:13 And then the the the nicest thing, the nicest footnote is he goes. And if your day has been completely shit and everything's gone wrong, you come home to a maid bed. Yeah. And you're like, do you know what it is? Yes, that is.

Starting point is 01:28:27 So I think for me, really, what I get out of morning routines, training in the morning or anything like that is a feeling of confidence. Yeah. It's like I, by 9 a.m., I've done everything I wanted to do. The chances of me having a good day to me, just how I feel, a higher. You're on a roll. And even if it goes shit, you get to the end of the day and you're like, yeah, I'm nailed this morning. I think for me, definitely as well,

Starting point is 01:28:50 one of my keys to on habit is getting up early and getting my morning routine right because the opposite is true as well. When you start the day badly, you frame everything within, oh shit, well, if I hadn't got a blade, if I hadn't done this then, if I hadn't done this that and the other, everything's jaded with this really, really bad view as opposed to

Starting point is 01:29:10 doing it the other way, which is I'm going to get after it. Oh, well this didn't go as well as I thought, but I'm going to fucking, I'm going to have it, like I'm going to get after this task. This situation isn't beyond my domain of competence, or even if it is, I'm still going to be able to crush it. So yeah, waking up early, because even then, it gets to three in the afternoon and you're like, I feel a bit tired and I'm not going to, hold on, like today's going so well, it'll be a shame to ruin it. Yeah, I'll just do it anyway. To keep the room. And it almost just keeps you in this little pathway until the end of the day,

Starting point is 01:29:39 like what a great day I can now act in relax. I'm allowed to relax because I deserve it. Yeah, yeah., wake up. Dominic. Dominic, Dominic competence. It's like I've got to start. Get out of the way. Get out of the way. Instagram it.

Starting point is 01:29:52 Yeah. Yeah. Instagram it. A little digital watch. So, yeah, Dominic competence start with something that you know that you can conquer and then start to push that progressive overload. Yeah. I think definitely being prepared to put yourself into situations that you wouldn't

Starting point is 01:30:06 normally be in without any preconception of a desire or a requirement for success or a requirement for an outcome that you would derive a success within that to believe it's successful. Just going on a night out and being in a social situation is tick that one off the list, like cool. Okay, I've spent a bit of time and attention there. Like, I've learned some things, how can I then next time I go out, I'll try and do something else. Yeah. Yeah. Again, if you can systematize it as best as possible, if you need to cultivate a capacity within a social environment, get a couple of buddies or go to a networking event or do

Starting point is 01:30:45 whatever it is that you can do that routine, routine ises, systematizes, habituates the time and attention because if you have to make that decision every single time, then you're going to end up using a shitload of willpower to go. But if your friends have already organized, you've already organized to go up, some dinner this evening with my friends, I can't say no, and then you're there and then it rolls into drinks. And before you know it, you're in a bar talking to some people that you've already organized to go up some dinner this evening with my friends, I can't say no, and then you're there and then it rolls into drinks. And before you know it, you're in a bar talking to some people that you've never met before. Sweet.

Starting point is 01:31:10 Whereas if you've got to drag yourself out of, oh, well, I had a plan to go out and I've got to drag myself out of bed on my own and I've got to go and randomly talk to these people. Like, creating like an architecture around your day in a week that makes good decisions easy and bad decisions hard. Stack the deck in your favor. 100%. And then I genuinely think that the power stands things

Starting point is 01:31:28 a big deal, like if you walk into a bar, like it can be subtly, and I used to do it subtly, sort of go in and you'd stand, feet apart, like shoulders, back, chest forward. And if you do that for about 30 seconds, you do feel a little bit, I don't know whether it's placebo, but you just think, fucking hell yeah,

Starting point is 01:31:44 like I don't have anything to be concerned about in this situation. I can talk to people and they're going to be responsive to me and they're going to like me and even if they don't, then so what? Like, as I'm happy with me and yeah, it's, um, I think in, I realize I'm extending this when we're trying to wrap up, but I think like in that example, feeling confident socially, for me, I've noticed as a fluctuation in my confidence when where I get my value from in my personality, different aspects of my life, like if those are going well, I feel higher sense of self worth, more confidence, if like businesses crap, trainings crap, I've had an argument with Becker, and you go out that night, I immediately feel totally different, because people are going to

Starting point is 01:32:30 never go like, how's such a thing. I told them that it's one of those things, right? Like you're fantastic. Yeah, a lot of you great. Other than like, I'm a fucking ultimate king, like you know what I'm saying? Yeah, which is obviously I feel every other day. Yeah, well the rest of Yeah, after a great smoothie. Yeah, I think you're right, it's difficult to have this indomitable spirit where nothing extrinsic will affect what's going on inside your mind. And I mean, that's the, you can meditate, sitting down in silence, right? Okay, now can you meditate standing up? Now can you meditate walking? Now can you, you know, you increase the level of difficulty?

Starting point is 01:33:09 If you have the capacity to still be confident and still be outgoing and forthcoming and self-believing. And a greater and greater attention, isn't that? Yeah. That would suggest your natural proclivity to the country. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's real, real true confidence. And I think that I'm not advising at all to try and make things in your life go really terribly badly

Starting point is 01:33:35 just to see if you can still remain confident in them. Like, don't crash your car and then say, well, I'll see if I can start talking to people. I'm not in people on a night out, yeah. That would be a bad idea. Have you seen that video of the very British reaction to a car accident? The guy's car goes on its side.

Starting point is 01:33:51 That's like Merge Lane's car tips over. And he's like, there's a guy rushes over. He's like, oh my god, he's like, okay, okay, I'm uningured. I'm uningured. Let's stay calm about that. No anger. Is this the guy, is this the guy, is he at 90 degrees? Yeah, just so relaxed.

Starting point is 01:34:08 So relaxed. Fine. It's interesting, because I forget sometimes that you've just done 500 hours of meditation. Yeah. And like, I get really hungry on the road, like if you do. As a cyclist, I've showered it so many people. But that wasn't what I was going to meet.

Starting point is 01:34:23 Okay. What I was going to say is it's if something, it's in the context of like in a little world of propate, like little tiny things go wrong all the time. Yeah. You serve stability to just mind. Yeah. But again, look at, so let's bring this back.

Starting point is 01:34:36 We can talk very briefly. We can touch on confidence in a business perspective. A lot of people that are listening may have desires to run their own business or have their own projects on the side. And this can apply to within your family, your family is a project in and of itself. You've got a, you've got a career. Yeah, absolutely.

Starting point is 01:34:53 And remember how big of a catastrophe it was when something went wrong five years ago in your business. Oh, and then think about the same thing happening now. You just think, I think we've got our first brief on request. Like what we're talking about before it's this, ability to have perspective, it's the time and attention. It's that when your sample size is only one year long, the outliers that are at 0% and 100% are fucking mental.

Starting point is 01:35:18 And then as the sample grows bigger and bigger, you actually realize that zero and 100 were below the inter the quartile range. Yeah. Like 49 and 51. And you think, hang on, look at how much more I can ride the waves. In fact, the book, the confidence book by School of Life, which is actually 20%. This is not in any way.

Starting point is 01:35:38 I'm affiliates the promo code. But it's 20% off at the moment if you just buy four slash Chris. It just happens to be Chris 20, though. I mean, that's the other side. It's not just me. The front cover of the book is a gallery. It's a galeonship on waves. And it's that exact thing.

Starting point is 01:35:58 It's that the capacity to ride the waves of life is very relative. Like what may seem like a massive wave now is actually like, yeah. So I think one of the qualities that I find most admirable and impressive in people is resilience to things. Like something goes catastrophically wrong and someone's just like, oh, it's fine. Whatever. And I think you, businesses are good example because things can go like vertically,

Starting point is 01:36:31 like the wrong way instantly. Yeah. And if you have enough experiences of that at a greater, greater magnitude at the time, I think you just become, there's a level where you just become totally, domain of competence again, right? That issue is within what you would consider to be,

Starting point is 01:36:50 I've dealt with this before. I can, yeah, don't you remember these things? Darius like that. He's just an absolute animal. Just like, yeah, he just takes it on the chin. But he's always been like that. He's always always been like that. Never had the level of neuroticism that I have. We're going to do one of the upcoming podcasts that we're going to do

Starting point is 01:37:09 is going to be on the truths about running your own business. And I think that a lot of it. Yeah, that'll be awesome. So, you know, we've had the conversation when you were going to leave that shout out to the accountant company and you were sat down there. So yeah, I think definitely resilience is a big deal. I think having, I think if you are in a position where you're like, you hear the concept of fuck you money. You're like a fuck you money. There's like, I think it's, anyway, the gambler or something, film with Mark Wahlberg in

Starting point is 01:37:44 and his mentor was like, get fuck you money. Like get a million quid in the bank, and then you're untouchable. Like, no one can make you do anything. Yeah. If you, if you, it's the most powerful, anzio-lettic is. Just have a fuck you money.

Starting point is 01:37:56 Yeah. So like if you're financially secure and something bad happens in a business or a career, his really like, business is a representation of like financial security. So it's very like some bad happens. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, you feel it. Whereas you just stood there and it's captain

Starting point is 01:38:13 hook out for it, but the hell, and while I get a storm, it's just, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah I see the film Everest. Yes. So you know when the famous writer is getting picked up, in fact, this should be included in the show in this clip, since this is confidence, he's getting picked up from Everest in a helicopter by like a really like skilled pilot. And the helicopter's going like all over the place. It's at the very start, right?

Starting point is 01:38:40 No, it's after this guy's injured. Oh, okay. And it flashes to the helicopter pilot's face, and he's just, just no emotion. It's like, I swear it's after this guy's injured and it flashes to the helicopter pilot's face and he's just Just no emotion. It's like it's at the start. I swear it's at the very very beginning It's the first it's the first one I think yeah, and he's like going around and yet he's just completely So I think it goes like I'm gonna push off the edge and then we'll go into vertical dive and then we'll be fine That'll okay with you the guys like

Starting point is 01:39:03 Good man thing is like you just eat it's like that, it's like the bus driver in Iceland. Oh my god, yeah. We're going to go just like, so just to clarify to context guys, we were in the biggest storm of the year in Iceland and we happened to be out in the blue lagoon just like playing around in the water. But from below, from here below, it was nice and warm and lovely and there. From up top, up top. That was the thing. I was dilated and vascular from the chest down.

Starting point is 01:39:32 And then like, blue from the chest up, you just have a talk, I reckon. Like naughty nips and like red face and everything. And then when we were told, when we were told that the pool is closing in half an hour. And by the way, any buses that closing in half an hour and by the way any buses that leave after half an hour will you will have to stay here overnight. Oh, I remember seeing a visual, the strongest visual representation of your fear of wasting money. There's me and Chris are in the pool and they go, right guys, we're closing the saunas. I'm like, I've not been in the saunas running in flat and Chris's flowery shorts

Starting point is 01:40:07 over this bridge in a blizzard in Iceland. Just having to go in the saunas. Oh yeah. It's getting better than this. It's the most lukewarm little saunas as well. But yeah, so like everyone's fucking panicking. So the driver and that would back on the bus. But it's just before them, we're getting on the bus and someone goes like apparently the closer roads and goes like, what is the road? It's Iceland. You are a monster in the rain. We're just driving through traffic cars. That was the thing. So we got on the bus and we were sat at the bar. I don't know why we chose to sit at the bar. We still safe it, isn't it? Like naughty school boys. So we were sat at the back of this bus and I've still got the screenshot of my phone of the the weather app

Starting point is 01:40:50 where it said 40 miles and out 43 miles an hour winds and then we're going there were completely adjacent to the path that we were traveling in so this high-sided 72 person seated coach and this guy and I thought he didn't compromise on speed at all. Not at all. I mean if anything he used it as a sale, didn't you? Yeah. You used it to go quick. Like, when you're shopping to a corner, you just let it. Yeah. So, and we were like, the bus was getting really buffeted and it's high side.

Starting point is 01:41:13 We were shitting ourselves. And I thought, right, well, my solution is, if I go, if I walk to the front of this bus and I look at the bus driver and he's okay, I'm okay, I don't. I'm like, I'll source. I'm like, I'll source. Yeah, I'll source. I think it's someone. I'm okay. I'm outsourcing right? That's outsourcing to someone with a speciality. Managed out before. Man who looked like a man who looked. Yeah. So walked down to the front of the bus, expecting to see at least a small amount of concern. You just want to see like, as he was just sat there like this. He was in great spirits. He talked to him and he's like, ah,

Starting point is 01:41:43 He was in great spirits. He talked to him and he's like, Ah! Because everyone was getting off and they're like, Thank you, it's okay, it's okay. He's so great. He's so great. And the only time of the trip that you look more alarmed was when you saw the price for the lamb broth.

Starting point is 01:41:58 Oh! 17,000 USD for a small cup of water. I was like, the ready meal by the ready me 20 quid Supermarket ready meal to a good Mary Guys, I'm so triggered So many so we this is one of the examples of everything just going fine for Chris like we went to a tomato farm which was on that affiliate collection from the the coach the coach

Starting point is 01:42:31 someone's that's greenhouse and they were oh we're just gonna stop off at the tomato farm we recommend you buy a lovely tomato drink or beverage or something so I got this weird like sweet bloody Mary with lemon and ginger, but it was actually awful. A bit of celery in it. It was really diluted and then Chris got the nicest tomato soup ever for half the price. And I'm sat there drinking my like 12 pound horrible drink. Oh, I'm like you and I brought insufficient clothing. Neither of us remembered our headphones.

Starting point is 01:42:59 We sat together. Chris was thriftful seats in front. Just Kenny. Kind of a goose. Zipped all the way up air pods in. Pasta sleep. Now the stonking hang over there. And that was the morning where I was sleeping, sleeping in the living room, woke up to watch you try and navigate the portable

Starting point is 01:43:17 hob. And the first thing he said to me was, I'm making myself an egg. Would you like an egg? It must have been the following morning that you just work it up to like and if you get toe cancer my taster size is into the shin, it goes up to neck cancer, head cancer and as you're revising in the middle of the pizestan, I walked just been upsold. What do you mean you've just been upsold? I tried to get pieces, and they've sold me an annual membership. That's a lack of confidence. It was just a...

Starting point is 01:43:54 The egg shower that you had to kneel in. It was very sulfur. Anyone who hasn't been tired, I'm just going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I don't know my machine. That's a lack of confidence. Ah, it was just a, the egg shower that you had to kneel in. The egg shower. It was very sulfur.

Starting point is 01:44:09 Anyone who hasn't been twice in the floor, the water is incredibly sulfuric. So smelly. You think that the drains are coming back up the shower, but then they're like, no, no, these is Icelandic water. They put the word Icelandic in front of any product. Icelandic butter.

Starting point is 01:44:22 Icelandic chaps, I don't know. And like, like a rich. I mean, it's just normal. Remember the word? It's a full. You remember how cold, wonderful. That was the coldest part of the trip. Gullfoss.

Starting point is 01:44:30 Oh, yeah. Gullfoss. Is a photo of you with the Chinese lady? No, that was at the bit where they drowned people. That was where the parliament was. Like in like the 60s. Oh, yeah. Oh, god, you got the strange.

Starting point is 01:44:39 Anyway, confidence. What everyone's enjoyed. Go to Iceland. Go to Iceland if you do well at the top. Go to the penis museum. Go to the penis museum. Go to the penis museum. Don't buy the Lambroth, don't buy the Bloody Mary. Don't go during a storm.

Starting point is 01:44:50 Don't, don't think that, like mine, it's one degree. I've dealt with that before. I'll just go out wearing a shirt. That was what I mean, isn't it? I honestly think I was close to going to New South South. Some kind of show. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:45:03 And of course, you were fine. I was fine. Yeah, I was. I was fine. So, for the first time, make sure you subscribe, YouTube, press the like button, comment if you've got any comments or catch us on Instagram, Twitter, all that other stuff. Okay, bye done. Bye.

Starting point is 01:45:20 Okay, bye done. 오케이, 맞아

Modern Wisdom - #014 - Self Confidence

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.