Modern Wisdom - #036 - Relationships 102 - How To Find & Maintain A Happy Relationship

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

Relationships 101 landed in the Top 50 Chart Worldwide on Apple Podcasts, and now it's time for the sequel. Jonny & Yusef join me today as we use our successes & tragedies in dating to establish some principles & strategies to optimise relationships, maximise happiness and avoid heartbreak (where possible). Expect to learn why "seeing" someone is a no man's land of emotional turmoil, why we all believe that the truth is a super power and why the first 6 weeks of a relationship are the most crucial. Check out everything I recommend from books to products and help support the podcast at no extra cost to you by shopping through this link - https://www.amazon.co.uk/shop/modernwisdom - Get in touch. Join the discussion with me and other like minded listeners in the episode comments on the MW YouTube Channel or message me... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/ModernWisdomPodcast Email: https://www.chriswillx.com/contact Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you said relationships, I imagine a galleon. Because you went there on relationships. Like, with a kind of relationship, wasn't it? But your home. What's a relationship? Ship. What's a relationship? Like a vessel that travels across the ocean.

But people have a relation. There's just loads of relations. So like uncles and dad sisters, all of them on there. But there's never the person that all those people relate to. That needs to be for the beginning of the podcast, I think. What is a relationship? Hi friends.

Relationships 101 was one of our most popular episodes so far. Think it really resonated with a lot of people, which was pretty cool. I'd spent quite a bit of time thinking about a framework for how particularly girls can discern between good and bad potential partners. And today we are seeing the sequel return of the relationship as we try and delve into just how you set the tone correctly

as you move into a relationship, how important truthfulness is, and a whole bunch of other principles of how to actually establish and maintain a successful relationship. I also want to give a massive shout out over the last couple of weeks, me and video guide Dean, Johnny and Yusif, Jordan and George, and the rest of the guys that are helping me behind the scenes have really put our foot to the floor with uploading clips and extra bits on YouTube and through iTunes and Spotify and

stuff. And the response has been fantastic. So thank you very much for that. Coming up soon, we have got the long awaited Super Podcast myself, John and Leon from the Lee Machines, Zach George and Sonny Webster sitting down to do a Q&A in a random restaurant in the middle of London. We've also got Lifehacks 106 and this week I'm sitting down with Robin Hanson, the author of Elephant in the Brain. This guy is an absolute monster of an intellect and I can't wait to hear what you've got to say. But for now, we're going to optimize some relationships and hopefully not get ourselves in too much trouble with our X's. Enjoy. So, relationship one up two.

Where did we leave off last time? We talked about the initial phase of like, I mean, maximum to beginning something, something slightly more exclusive. Yeah, yeah. I think I'm going to delve straight in. to beginning something slightly more exclusive. Yeah, I think I'm gonna delve straight in. I don't know whether you two, because both of you are kind of like serial monogamous, right? Ish, at least in recent memory as well.

Recently, yeah. Yeah, and I think for anyone who's listening who's been used to being single and hasn't been in like a proper, proper relationship for a little while, you will know the no man's land of emotional turmoil that is seen somebody. And I think that that is just an absolute barren wasteland of nothingless, meaningless, like it is one step above

having sex with being friends with benefits and everything below being exclusive. There's a bit of commitment but no reward. So I think anyone who's seeing somebody unless it's mutually and absolutely transparently explained to both parties just needs to give up on it now. You need to either step forward into a relationship or step back into having sex with other people as well. And I'll explain why. What is happening out? Just you reminded me about the Friends with Benefits things. And David was talking about this too, that we, I think if you're just nice to someone who is a Friends with Benefit, a Friend with

a Benefit, their, because they're on the defensive, is like, whoa, don't fall in love with me now and you're like, all right, let us head. Like I'm not going to fall in love with you. Just being nice. But it's like the instant fear that the other person is becoming too attached. Yeah. So I think the reason that I don't like seeing somebody, and I can speak from personal experience on this, what you think you're getting when you start seeing somebody is all of the benefits of having a regular girlfriend or boyfriend

with none of the, it's down the fast, I'd make you drink, you don't have to reach, with none of the disadvantages, with none of the justification for them to ask you where you've been or who you've been messaging or whatever. You want to be able to have your cake and eat it and I think that people believe that that's friends with benefits or not this is seeing someone. I think friends with benefits, like it just so quickly turns into seeing someone now. And the way that you pull that back, the only way that you can do that and the only way

you can fix it is by being completely transparent about exactly what's going on and continuing to do it all the time. But what happens so much? A long term friends with benefits, like truly situation, has to either be two psychopaths or two really busy people that just have very utilitarian transactional relationship. Like I need something from you, you need something from me, a little bit of companionship, lots of things. It's almost like bilateral prostitution where the feet cancels each other out, and so they're both break even again.

Yeah. For... You're laughing at bilateral prostitution. It was just a way that you delivered it from a place of anger, and then you looked at me like... Anger. Anger. So, yeah, I think seeing someone is just a terrible position to be in.

You're repeatedly having sex with the same person. Yeah. Are there... Does anything else happen? No, so seeing someone is being boyfriend or girlfriend with a partner without being the title. Without the label. Okay.

Yes. What people believe and what it feels, pedantry, want to want me, like I don't understand where, It's a precursor isn't it? It's where both parties are too afraid to, what to say, yeah, or they feel so. So you're spending a bit of time with each other's houses, maybe, good for you. You probably spend a lot of time with each other, but it's not. I'm not your boyfriend and girlfriend and I said, I mean, the universal language, the universal currency of this is, is it Facebook official?

Yeah. Like, if it's not listed on Facebook, it's a great system. Have you ever listed a relationship on Facebook? Yeah, I have. Really? No, one. Jonathan is seeing on my profile now. Exactly.

That's exactly what I'm saying. That's what you think what I was thinking. That's what you think? It was a hiccup of shock. Um. It's the diaphragm going wrong. Why, why not? You don't like personal information being out in the open world.

Absolutely not, especially in our relationship. I just think that's nobody's business. Interesting. But well, it's my business and the other person's business. Yeah. I suppose your business're the persons business. Yeah. And I suppose your business. Chris' business. Two degrees.

I don't make any money off your relationship. I'm not sure it's my business. I know that you don't. In fact, yes you do. Yeah, you're right I do. Thanks for coming to my club night back here. So, yeah, basically I think people believe that seeing someone is this wonderful best of both world scenario where you're going to get companionship but also freedom.

And what actually inevitably ends up happening is it's a game of emotional chicken with the other person. Thinly sliced. Thinly sliced chicken in a pressure cooker. And what you're playing the way that the game of chicken works is whoever gets feelings first loses and it just ends up it's a countdown clock to someone doing something which crosses a boundary that was never defined. Like if you sleep with someone else and you haven't identified that you're supposed to be exclusive with someone because seeing someone is in this beautiful. Then there's a slimy gun out card for the other person being like, oh well, we never said it, we're exclusive.

So actually, I'm at free range or whatever. And it's like, there is a kind of a code of honor where, yes, that it hasn't been discussed yet, there's an implication, it's a gray area. You don't cross it, but shape will get off the pot really. If it's the advice for last. I just think it's not being scared. You don't cross it, but shit will get off the pot really. Is he a rose for last? I just think it's not being scared. I'm just, but one of the problems is you're going to sell them at seven quid and an hour.

So, yeah, I think the clip of that is where, yeah, Dean, we'll make sure that that goes in. So, I think that basically you need to, you need to make a commitment with regards to this sort of stuff because you think you get in the best of both worlds and you're actually not, you're not getting anything of either because certainly for me when I'm in situations like that, if I do start chatting to someone else or start spending time with another girl or whatever, I immediately get these horrible pounds of guilt about doing something and then the thought loop of well I'm not doing anything wrong well I should be allowed to do this what actually know because you and I know in my heart of hearts that my deepest virtue says no

the fact that that thought loop is going on is the internal yeah right in itself and the other thing is you're well you never know what the other person's doing oh I'll do you know they haven't said she hasn't said that she's not gonna do so you just keep on going by just why they should just be contracting place all the time contract Contractually obligations. I mean, you've not got a contract with Beckett. I don't, but well, no, no, well, as far as, you know, as far as I'm willing to. I don't have a contract. So I'm not sure the contract did you win? I've got a contract there. No. The conclusion of relationships 101 or one of them was that many of these gaps that we see

that cause suffering are from lack of clear communication. Hundreds. And in this case, it's exactly the same. Hundreds. But nobody can socially, acceptably say like, I'm too afraid of commitment to give us amable yet or I'm, I'm still not sure if I like you fully. So I don't want to jump in. Because saying that is a social faux pas in itself.

So then there needs to be a way to either tap. So if both people separately discuss it with a solicitor, contract to port together. Get a bursa. Get a bursa involved. So this is why I'm just a phagocist of a school. So the idea behind Tinder could work at the next level as well, which is that both people put in a blind vote. They don't get to see what the other person says.

It's not like the steel, the shell or steel. Yeah, it's because it's a little... level as well, which is that both people put in a blind vote. They don't get to see what the other person is saying. It's not like the steels, the shell or steel. Yeah, it's because it is. So prison is dialogue, because you just probably have chicken, which is exactly what it is, it is game theory, it's the prison is dilemma. If both people split, then fine. If one person splits, the other person steals, that's one person cheating, the other person, or not cheating, but. And if they both do foul cheat, then fine.

Yeah. I just think it it's such like as I see it all the time right now I've got access to 200 under 21 year old guys and 200 and 21 year old girls and my car can go 100 miles an hour I know the words to candle in the wind. I want to make it spoon-wise. That is a long joke that I'm not prepared. I'm not prepared to get it. Let's explain. No, back in 1990s.

Let me tell you about the old, old wooden trees. So, I'm out doing each other with rubbish cups. I have a framework for this discussion. Fantastic. Do you want to hear the framework? Yeah. Because I think it would help frame all of this. Great. Love a framework.

Question one is, should we be in a relationship at all? Who are you asking me? This is the beginning of the framework, Chris. It's a rhetorical question. So a relationship versus being single. And then once you've decided that I feel like I'm going to put across as a pretty strong argument that you should be in a relationship then who should you be in a relationship with? And then as I, you sort of about to ask, how do I find the person that I'm about to get in a relationship with?

Why, how? Exactly. And then once I found that person, well, the next question is, How do I get them? Not when, that's covered in, not in how the next question is, once you're in a relationship with that person, how do you keep that person in a relationship with you without using stuff like that or strong on them, strong, like good, top of the head, circular motion. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, if you've seen my notes. Sorry, I was. Okay.

So I think we've covered, I think we covered most of the ones up to, how do you keep a relationship? I don't think we have. Okay. I think that's a little bit more. Interesting progress. Let's move forward into relationships because I want to do a whole one on single. I want to make one point yeah, which is that I Think where a lot of people get trapped

Look you look immediately bored That's my that's my resting bitch for the second hand car market That's what it's like You were talking about this the other day. We discussed this in the big Dix group didn't we? We did. So I think people, so this is under should I be in a relationship or not? So let's say you're 25, for example, and you're thinking I'm moving towards 30 quicker than I feel comfortable with. I'm not really happy with how my life is. I feel like maybe I should be getting a relationship, maybe a few of your friends are one of them's engaged, a couple of them and maybe having kids or some like that. You had to go 15 weddings in the last month.

Yeah, probably, me too. And so you, there's this decision, like, should I be single or not? And I think there's a point at which, if you're not careful, all of the people who are, people that you would actually want to be in a relationship with, are in relationships. And then what you're left with is... Strikes. Yeah. So I'll scrape in the bottom of the breath. Which is like when you're buying a second hand car, you don't know whether it's a great

value steel or whether it's two cars that have been welded together and they're giving you shit-stabbing bits. So what you've got there is a statistical distribution of ages that people typically pair off at, as you grow older, that total population diminishes, but also the average quality also drops. Yeah. And you presume that the cream gets taken off the top first. The cream gets taken off the top.

The top, the bottom, that is what it brings the mean down. And so yes, there's still a high quality people on both ends of that, that's now skewed bell curve. But you are that kind skewed bell curve but there's fewer per sample size right? Fewer per sample size and smaller sample size. So it means the price is higher which means you've got a more attractive and better in every way to access those people. The only way that this works and you put it in the group I'm going to use my same defense against this is someone who's 30 years old and single. I should be by all means shitting myself that I don't have a girlfriend, but that's you presuming that I'm looking at girls

that are my age. So I agree, but it's like if I said to you, there is a range of cars that you can buy. So let's say cars that were made in a 10-year period, and you can buy from them whenever you want, but everyone else is also you can buy from them whenever you want but everyone else is also trying to buy from that pool of cars and some of them may come back in the market, some of them may be kept in a garage and yeah you can wait until the ones that are 10 years younger are coming up to 30 if you want to or you can secure a position but you sit outside of this entire equation for a whole host of reasons that we're not getting any new in the podcast, but for the average person who doesn't have an Instagram funnel. Instagram funnel. These things

need, and if you want to know the Instagram funnel is... That, if you want to know what that is, send us a message. I think another part before you move on from that. I thought we covered this. You've opened up a new doorware and the age difference. So age difference is a big deal because we're going to have to get that picture up. I'm going to send it to video site. It's a porn.

No, it's a graph. I'm going to send it to videos I did, but it's a graph. I'm going to put porn. Oh, it's a data plot of the average preference of ages that people prefer in the opposite sex as defined by match.com. And it's depressing because for women, the age that they prefer in men is typically a year or two older than them, maybe up to five seven. It then flips after a little while though, right? At the age of like 50 and 60, they want someone who's the same age and then slightly younger. For men, the age that they prefer in men.

For the particular. Regardless of their age is always 21. 21. And when you're 40, you're into like the slightly older woman at 24 and then it goes back to 21. It goes back. It's like, is that that's like, you relapse at 50 back to 21? I'm on it. Enough's enough.

I need to start liking it. I'll actually fuck this up. Yeah, no, no, no. Try to 24-year-old. I'm going for a 21-year-old. But I mean, there's probably a biological explanation for that. So I'm also going to throw a spanner in the works with that. If I look at a 21-year-old girl now, I think to myself,

emotionally unstable. I think I'll be boring to hang around with it. And like, that's just because. Sorry, all 21-year-old girls who are out there, you are lovely, but you're going to be more lovely in about three years' time. I've never been boring in emotionally unstable. No, that's just going to be less emotionally unstable and less boring. When I was 21, I didn't find 21-year-old girls boring, but I think as you have less and less in common as you go older, and then you have to go out. That's because you're looking at 70-year-old girls. How shocked you're so cool. So why did you do that?

I've been wanting it back to you. Half your age plus seven. That's the rule, isn't it? That's the rule, isn't it? It's a scurvy formula. So yeah, I think, I totally do get that. And I think that the elephant in the room when you're talking about guys versus girls

is that women's biological clocks tick, yep, a lot more harshly than men's do. So the men are seeking fertility, ultimately, whereas for women, they're seeking... Isn't it like 18? The lower of the year. Like the peak theoretical peak of fertility in... Is that correct? Yeah.

Which have your best chance of being pregnant to 18 and it gets more difficult thereafter? I think so, yeah. Wow. Which means that assuming that's true, men are just going to find 18-year-old, which is, I suppose, 21s, close enough, isn't it? 18 looks too much like a child for me. Well, I think that's what I'm talking about. I'm not giving you a say earlier, right?

I'm saying, I'm saying, like, what? 18-year-old girl is a good 18. I'm saying statistically speaking without a mind, that's your programme, right? Which I think is insidious to be honest, that's where programme like that. Why? Someone should undo it all. It's just unfair, isn't it? There's so much about analogy, there's unfair. But it wasn't designed for this time or place, was it? That's why. Which would change it. Oh, that's a bit.

I bet Zuckerberg could get in there. Yeah. If you look at that headset thing, we could do something. Yeah. That can be fine. Moving on. So business versus a job is like relationship versus being single. So, or an asset versus an expense.

So people think that being a relationship is job versus business. You must have been looking at my name. That's crazy. Anyway. Okay. We all watch far too much of the same stuff. Yeah. Too much big brother and love Island and people always watching it. So all around it mind with a pink blind chicken. We cuddle cuddled up together ice cream just what we've just been doing before. Face mask. Oh yeah. Yeah, cucumber. I'll do what you said through the cucumber. People's got a little little thing. People think that a relationship is a liability shall I wait? No, no, we're going to be serious. That's like when a teacher in a class that, all right, well I'm guessing

by your chattering that you finished test painting now. And you don't want to break. The bell is for me, not for you. So, job, you get a salary and a pension, but at the end of a week or a month, that you have no residual value in that, which

is the same as serially dating people. So you build up a little bit of equity in something and then it just appears, build up a little bit of equity in the disappears, with a business or an asset as a relationship analogy, everything you do, like every good experience you have, every memory you create is accumulating that you are generating equity. Is that your analogy? I think so. I wrote this note in August, so I don't even remember my analogy enough. I totally get it. I totally get it. I mean, is it a single use? It's a single use. You are the accountant. Is it a single use transactional kind of thing? Exactly. That's purely for the fleeting sense of enjoyment you get while you're there versus.

So that's interesting because we talked about this in a private WhatsApp in a circle thread, Bill Day, which was that these serial experiences may have value of their own, they may not, but the overarching value could be that they are to give you enough experience to prepare you for being able to discriminate and pick a better mate long term, or to give you enough experience to prepare you for being able to discriminate and pick a better, mate long term, or to give you enough experience, enough width of experience to know if you're in a good or a bad position. I think what's interesting about what you were talking about,

we'll come back to the point about this game of chicken of trying to find someone before they get taken, so to speak. What's interesting there is the point that I made again in the chat that we were on about where I said, I don't know if I want to be the first round for a 22 year old, 23 year old rocket, who is going to be a fantastic wife later in life, but needs to go through a divorce.

Do you want to be a learning experience for someone. Maybe not a divorce. Like, completely. I think people who end up marrying the person, the first person they slept with, for example, I think that's a recipe for disaster. That's like putting all your money into a single stock. But the other thing as well is, if you don't know what you're missing Ignorance but that's can be that that would be fine if we didn't live in a very sexualized society where it there's hints of what you're missing everywhere

Good point. So it's more than it's Have I so I've got everyone's trying to signal there constantly? Yeah. I'm gonna steal a little bit of content from Brett Weinstein, Heather Hagen and Joe Rogan here, but I don't think either of you two have listened to the podcast, it's gonna be quite interesting. But listen is at home, I'm gonna do a little experiment. So, can you both imagine for me please, a woman who is beautiful, but not hot.

It's like a 19th century with a little but current. Okay. Woman who's beautiful but not hot. Just by our under signings of those. However you want to interpret it, beautiful but not hot. Okay, so you got that in your mind? Yeah, no. Honestly struggling. I'm kind of persisting. Okay, so can you now imagine someone who's hot but not beautiful? Yeah. Okay. So the argument that Heather Hane and Brett Weinstein make on Joe Rogan's podcast is that men's

men's values that they're looking for in women have become skewed to work on hotness and not beauty and beauty is timeless and it's the sort of thing that continues throughout life. So a good example would be someone like Dame Julie Dench or something like that, you know, someone who's got some beauty, some grace about her, but you don't think it's hot. Hot but not beautiful would be Tarty girl, yeah, who you want to have sex with, but you wouldn't take on to the parents. I think that downhill from that or downstream from that should I say, there's other implications about the way that they hold themselves, the values that they hold, etc, etc. But even if you

just take it on the surface level about the way that they look, there is definitely a distinction to be made between beauty and hotness. And what's happening with a lot of beauty product now, oil of ole and whatever else it is, I don't know, I'm just thinking about what's in my mom's drawer. That's a very mon product to clean up. Yeah, what do girls use? Flarens, no. You know what?

That will subitraise your age because it used to be called oil of Ula, and then they changed it to Ola. Just like they changed GIF to SIF. Because a lot of Spanish people couldn't pronounce it, wasn't it? I think it means like Willie and Swedish, or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, from the Swedish sales. So, yeah, the beauty and hotness scale is something that's really interesting.

And what they're saying is that beauty products are signalling for hotness and not beauty. And this is confusing men's sort of radar encompassing terms of what they're looking for as well. Because you really want to be looking for beauty, and this is confusing men's sort of radar encompassing terms of what they're looking for as well, because you really want to be looking for beauty, not heartiness. If heartiness is going to weigh in within the next five to ten years, and this is the same for women with... It's easier to emulate heartiness than it is to emulate beauty. I think there's more depth to beauty for sure.

Heartiness feels like painted on. These circles do create a lot of yourself. It's a lot more flashy lights and the on sort of stuff. And the other thing as well, that's kind of savage. It's easy enough to get a tan and Botox and just all the stuff that if you looked at someone from a distance, just for a flashy, but I, yeah. It was so interesting.

If you think of like FHM cover model, for example, or like, you know what I mean, nuts and zoo and all that. I realize that doesn't exist anymore. But yeah. So like the the women portrayed on that. It's a grandad when we talk to them. I know. That's the most recent example. It's a big and nuts magazine. But they, what I always find so interesting is like someone has arranged that image in a way that they know guys look at that and find whatever that arrangement, like whatever they're wearing in that way, attractive. But like a lot of it, like if you saw something

walking down the street like that, but that's ridiculous. But it's like the combination of certain colors and items of clothing that they know just the hardness of hearing, right? I'd love to see machine learning algorithm come to a conclusion. Did you see? Just to turn people on and watch it. Did you read the post that I put in the inner circle yesterday about the Snatchout filters and how they affect you?

Yeah. Did you read it? No. I did. Did you? Did you? Yeah, so I suppose that's as close to machine learning algorithms we're going to get, which is the-

You're explaining to make it hard. Snatchout adjusts your facial features based on these archetypes of attractiveness to like smoothen out the face, make the cheeks slightly redder, make the eyes slightly larger, doesn't make this forehead a bit larger as well, basically making you have more of a neotinous which means like baby like face. Right. So like you know the filter that has like the floating here. Yeah, another one.

I see. So that's doing certain things that are... Makes the lips a bit bigger, a bit pinker. Right. There's this fishery and runaway selection, which is, it's actually attractive characteristics will become more exaggerated over time. So if...

Oh, yeah, and it gets ridiculous. It gets absolutely ridiculous. It becomes caricatured. So you go, okay, men like women with big boobs or women like men with broad shoulders, run that for a million years and you've got these triangular men and these women with like scoliosis. So yeah, yeah. So moving on, what's next in your framework? Should we go, I wanna do, how do you form a good relationship? So we've hopefully managed to get people out of the Maya that is seeing someone.

They found someone that they think, I could see myself in a relationship with this person. Well, so I suppose picking that person and knowing whether they are a good choice. And I owe Johnny a huge amount for, there was a time a few years ago, good few years ago, I optimized your Tinder. Yeah, you did. Time a good few years ago. When I was quite tall and Johnny just advised me to make a balanced scorecard of a couple of people that I was considering pursuing for a relationship.

And he was like, look, like rank them across five attributes, market out of 10, and give them each rating on each of those attributes, take the total, I see which one has more points. How do you feel that a lot of people who would think you just know that you just know camp of man, you feel that when it's right, how do you think they would react to your I think there's probably some overlap between that. Quantifiable metrics.

I think back then I'd overridden my heart center, my feeling center so much. I think that's a good one. That I was out of tune with that intuitive sense. How do you feel now with regards to stuff like that? Much better. Much better, but that's from a lot of spiritual practice that I've done. I think that's connected me now.

That's cool. Inside, but that's for another. Yeah, another time. Johnny, how about you? How do you find a choose a person that's right for you in a relationship? So I didn't plot it out like that, but that approach. Exactly.

Really? Not actually. Exactly. So with that, like in response to that thing, that point of like, oh, you shouldn't approach it like that. Like that's like saying, you know, someone's saying, I'm just, I know I'm saving money, or I know I'm losing weight, or you know, I know I'm not breaking the speed limit. Mm-hmm.

Like, you might be. You might be. You might also not be. And also, like, if you know, if you know that you feel more strongly about that person, but you're struggling to make a decision between one of three relationships or whatever you want to get into, like sometimes sitting and actually thinking about it can... Do you think a lot of relationships, a lot of what makes relationships special and attractive are due to the intangibles? So these are intangibles? How do you

tangibleize it? So like, well, by using the framework. Like rules. The fact that any of us have had sex is impressive. We're doing well. Yeah, we're doing well. So I, the stuff that I think is more important, so stuff I've written down here. Yeah. When will it be my turn? Video, I know you call it a video. Video D. So good if Dean didn't exist and it was just a two-dimensional image of him, like a gift. I think we should make a video mandin represent like a little character. Once we hit $50 of ad revenue on YouTube, $50. I'm going to spend it on animating Dean.

Fine. How many of us Dean's consent about this? Just mad at it. Right, let's move on. So, things that I find are important. So, defining your interests and values, but not in like, I think you should be honest, because I like that, that bollocks personally.

So, things like, what are you like doing on a Friday evening? I was so daily life going to look like in that relationship. How do you feel about certain personality traits? Like, how do you feel about certain personality traits? Like how do you feel about like something that bothers me is when people back out the last minute, for example, like having common interest and the common feelings and things like that. A really good point actually, because sometimes what you like, you might have someone who's like, oh, I want the guy with the six pack and they have no interest in training their out of shape. And then if they find someone and they actually find that their interest aren't aligned

and what they would do on a week to week basis is different. Or then they feel like they've had to be brought into the gym and it's a place that they don't like. But even that, so I've actually found being in a relationship with someone who likes the gym, not as good personally. Because then you then have to, the gym before hand, before the relationship was your time. Yeah. And suddenly it becomes not your time. I don't like, I think there are definitely benefits to having that.

But I like the gym to be I go and people criticize me for this. But I go headphones in. Like it's my time to just do that. Typical power. And typical power. I've always had... I wanted to speak to Johnny, but I saw him in the gym and I was scared. Yeah.

It's got stuff to do. Rest in the chest. I've got this rest period to do. Show me what person he's doing. Heavy deadlift session, he wants to sit and talk between sets. You? I don't want it well. Only this three-year airport's wild outlifting.

Ideally. And only about something very important. So do you think that having common interests with your partner is important? Because Darin and his wife, as a good example, have got day overlap in some areas, but Kaleen does like, re-thmaking and loads of things that don't overlap. So, and you're saying that having interests that overlap is good, but that going to the gym together is having this one. What I was trying to say, so something I said for relationships versus single, which is that the pros of being single are only pros if you're in the wrong relationship, apart

from obviously, even lots of people. But that's because it's all the things I need to from obviously see them with lots of people. That's supposed to be the thing that's not interesting to me when you did that. I just did in general. But stuff like... No, I mean sex with lots of people. Holiday destinations, interior design, restaurants, like the type of music you might put on the car, where you might go and get some food on a weekend.

Stuff like that, I think is more important than... To a lot of people. So different, right? To a lot of people, that would seem like real low-level, quite surface stuff, especially because you at the very beginning of this framework, you said, stuff, especially because you at the very beginning of this framework, you said, doesn't need to be about like loyalty. And, you know, I just lost it. I think loyalty is important, but not as a stat by a suit. I think that just because I think if femoral nebulous terms of, yeah,

what do you look for on like, so I got asked this question, loads on love Island, right? And so what do you look for? And what they want is like blonde hair, blue eyes or brunette, petite, sporty, goes to the gym, loyal. But actually, your answer a bunch of quite existential stuff that they want to do. I found it really difficult, because if you don't have, when someone asks you that question, what's your type? And you don't have a single, like, who would say, I go for only blondes. Who is enough of a retard to think that that's an appropriate answer? Well, one, it's a very inappropriate answer to, it's stupid on that account, but also like, it's just you've suddenly restricted arbitrarily the pool of people that you could potentially

have met and then you might meet someone who doesn't fit into your completely arbitrary defined type in your head that would have actually been a really good match for you. And you present them often. Yeah, going for values is much better. So anyway, moving forward in a relationship, how do you decide when it's time and how do you ask someone to go from seeing to... So I don't think there's an elegant way to do that. I think it's just... Especially our age.

Because that question was acceptable when you're like 14. And then now you feel like such a... Generally comes back to, I think, obviously, throughout all of the relationship, especially towards the end, like towards the end, once you're in a relationship, it's super important. But this is just the identity of how important communication is,

like transparent communication. Jordan Peterson on a recent podcast that I watched talks about him and his wife. And he's Adam and I think they've been together maybe 35 years. He's known as since she was eight. Like he's literally lived on the same street as each other in, I think it's Alberta where he's from. And he said that she's never lied to him. Ever. He believed that Tammy his wife has never ever once lied to him. You've got to say, as

far as you know, as they don't. We're going to say that. But yeah, there's going to be a caveat in here. Come on, mate. It's only what you know. But he believes that she's never ever lied to him. And you're like, fuck, that is the basis of a fucking good relationship right there. And how much of a pessimist do I can be like, my wife is such a good liar that I've never,

never ever known. But I mean, if that is true, and he chooses to believe in alternate reality, he's happy, then. True. Okay, so to ask someone, do you just, why don't you just request it on Facebook, not speak to you?

Just writing the wall. Girlfriend question mark. You're either gonna get a yes or a no on you. That might be the reason for the no, that's the trouble. I think it's just something that we want to see Eric Helms in a fitness seminar and he in passing in the fitness seminar gave me the best relationship I've ever had. Very unremantic but it was really good advice. Well just so I think a lot of people and I had this thought up until that point was that like you will have this relationship where you're like I am in love with this person this is I need to get married to this person. This is the

one and all those sort of like romantic beliefs that like Cinderella and all these things like leaders to believe. And he uses this example of he was on an army base with over a thousand people and he knew rationally that there may be 50 people that he could have formed a relationship with. His wife happened to be one of those 50 people and then that sort of fits like he finds her attractive, gets on with her etc. And then past that, it just has to be two adults understanding that relationships come with a whole host of shit stuff and problems and you just have to agree to solve them.

Because I remember in an adult way. He was like, oh, I'm getting married soon. And someone was like, oh, it's you, the one. He was like, well, I love her very much, but I don't really think there is such thing as the one. I mean, in the world right now, there's probably between one and 2,000 people that the qualifier is as the one, depending on your geographical overlap.

But you know, she's definitely one of those one to 2,000 people. So do you believe, do you believe? Yeah, nice one. Do you agree that the best that you can hope for as someone who's good enough? So that's a that's a difficult question. Good enough is determined by your input as well. Yeah. Like so is the best that you can hope for good enough? Because it's like you find the most perfect person to you on the planet? So there's two numbers isn't that true? It's going to make lots of noise. I'm really sorry.

You can't listen to so size, that's not art. You're less than 100. Oh, you're less than 100 kilos yet? Not quite. I'm getting close. Sad face. So, you can meet someone who, on their side, they are perfect and they're putting in loads of effort. But if you don't meet them at that, you will end up with a subpar relationship.

That's fine, but that means they're... That means if they were different, if they were different and were able to account for whatever failings or shortcomings or forthcomings it is that you have, that would be fixed. The same way that two jigsaw pieces put together can make a whole. So it's more like that let's say that you're both a multiplier and you both got up to 10 points. So if you both put in 100% effort and you're both really well compatible, you can get a total of 100. If the person is perfect and they put in the efforts of their they've used up their five points of innate

character and the other five points of their efforts, their 10 and you only put in a three then you're missing out on right but that still doesn't affect what that person is my question was do you think that the best that you can hope for is someone who's good enough so I think that has to be a million that answers that question minute minute minute I think what Chris is saying is like you're saying there is quality and there is a magnifier which is effort and person. Yeah. But like, I mean, you put a, I suppose you put a cabinet so that it can only go up to 10. But I think Chris is saying, like, someone could be a seven or a three. Someone could be three with lots of effort or seven. But you could be a ten and you could think this

is a ten. Oh, actually, I've just met someone who's a twelve. So this is the, this is why you need to have lots of, or why you are saying you need to have lots of short experiences when you're young so that you get it. It's also the reason for balance scorecard. Because, so here's the answer to your question. So let's say you appraise people over three things, like their personality, like a certain aspect of a personality that looks in their job, for example, and you want those three things to be maxed out as high as possible. You're with someone who's eight across all three things. You meet someone who's ten and think that person must be better. More than likely that person will have at least one downside.

But you don't know. Principally, they will have a downside, which is that that person is inherently in higher demand from everybody that they meet, which will lead to an inherent downside. So the more socially valuable someone is, the more... It's so complex isn't it? Because someone might appear like a 10 from a distance, and then you get into a relationship with them, you're like, oh, actually. But you could have the converse as well. You can have another thing to consider. And another thing to consider as well is that when you've got someone who potentially is heavily sought after, let's say that someone that you'd think would be intimidating or

maybe up themselves, and you actually find out that they're very hungry for a real connection because they keep having these... What's a shallow? ...who, yeah, absolutely think that they have shallow connection and so on and so forth. I think that there's probably too many variables to even define it, but I think that the Eric Helms thing is quite nice, that it's... there's probably out there right now, even for the people that are the most in love that they can imagine. If they weren't in love with that person and another person had come a lot, that person

had never existed, they weren't in love with that person and another person had come a lot, that person had never existed, they weren't in that situation. Another person came that they could be equally happy with that person and the fact that you're separated by not only space geographically but also time like Alain DeBotten says we are often it is likely that we're not we're never going to meet the people who are best created to understand us. Maybe we were born too soon or too late or maybe we were in a wrong part of the world. I mean, it could be someone in a hundred years' time that would be absolutely perfect. Might be in the same city, but like how likely is it that you're going to meet every single other? I know you go. So why is it, why is it that people continue to get into relationships with people that live on the

street, Jordan Peterson's in relationship with someone that did that? Is the location a refining characteristic which makes someone more appropriate for a relationship or is it just convenience? It's both. Like the data shows people, well, I suppose it's skewed by that exactly, but people tend to go for someone who is of a similar, from a similar location, religious views, political views, socioeconomic status, income level, like all of those things seem to match with the, and they tend to.

Is that because your values are derived from those? And it means the old, I would like you to have more in common in terms of the way that you view the world. I think that's very likely, isn't it? But also that they are probably the social circles that you are more likely to see. It's an availability bias here as well. You're not going to go and find someone in Bangladesh and marry them unless you happen to be there anyway in which case, like...

Is there a case for you if you get to 30 years old like me just spending two years traveling the globe sampling? I think a lot. Yeah, I think that's probably a really good idea. Right, fine. I'm off. Would you be annoyed? So you know, you were saying like if someone is a very desirable person and you're with

them that immediately brings down or that immediately throws a spanner in because other people are forning over them, would that annoy you if you're with someone who men were constantly trying to pick them up? So I think it depends on your level of self-confidence, but also because that it can be a point of real issues. So I've seen some relationships fall apart because a girl was in a photo with a guy on a night out. The guy's reign secured and it just comes out.

That's a problem, not yours. It completely, it got a problem, but the guy would as a result, probably be happy with someone who got less attention, which is ridiculous. But that's you talking about, again, that's compelling. Someone who's right. It is, and it's someone who should be working on themselves before getting into a relationship.

So you need to know yourself, and you need to know what level of notoriety you're prepared to have your own partner at. The trouble is with all of this. So if we assume there's a, that's a new castle, for anyone person, there's 500 people. So that like, and then for each one of those people, there's 500 people. And we're in a market that is getting smaller and smaller over time, because all of those 500 people are trying to find one of their 500 people. If you say,

I require 888, and actually all its remaining of the 500 is 100 and one of them is 778 and you go, well, I'm going to wait for a 998 and that person never arrives then you may only be left with 666. It sounds an awful lot like because of the market closing up as well. But then every so often trades get reopened. Well, press the silence. But then you have to be ready with the capital available. The thing is, what the best way to do is to put a buy order in. So that is the catchphrase. But in a buy order though. If only you could.

Here's the vision. So, moving forward from using market trade to work up, we're in a relationship. You've managed to get yourself into a relationship with someone that you think is not complete asshole. I think that this particular area, and I am not, unfortunately, we're now almost outside of my domain of competence. I'm aware that that's your second that we step into a relationship. I've been in lots of long-term relationships, just very unsuccessful ones.

So I think you might even be the best person to answer that then. Like you know, you ask that the guy who's been divorced 15 times for marriage advice, and people are like, oh well that's a stupid but actually he's seen the most mistakes. Well as I say, would you rather ask a successful or a failed entrepreneur for business advice? Because the survivorship bias but versus... Well because the successful entrepreneur has likely still failed. It's just that one has only failed and one has failed. So what you want is the guy who's been divorced 15 times. And now it's happily married.

For the last 10 years. Yeah. So I think one of the most important periods in a relationship is like the first four to six weeks. And I'm aware that the precursor to this has already been set up by the time that you've spent before, like the scene them. So this needs to really be from from as soon as you start to spend time with someone. And the framework to apply to this is kind of the same as when you're in court and there's already case, which has laid out how this should go forward. If you set a precedent for X situation

to occur, that is what this other person will expect as you move forward. And then changing it is going to result in some sort of turmoil. So the way that you should, I think, a good way to approach the beginning of a relationship is to set up the first few weeks as perfectly as possible to have everything exactly as you would like and to set the bar incredibly high. So everything's clean, date night's done on time, you greet them as they come in the door, you don't miss out on X, Y and Z, you treat them, and hold them to as high standard as you want them to be held to. You set hard lines in the sand, going back to relationships 101,

very, very hard lines in the sand. This is acceptable behavior. This is unacceptable behavior. Because as soon as you concede a behavior which you deem to be unacceptable, you can no longer say it's unacceptable in the future. Oh, when you already said it was fine. What'd you mean? I've been going out with John, I've been going for coffee with John for ages. You never had a problem with it before. It's like the first time that something happens which makes you feel upset, tell them.

And conversely, the first time that something happens that makes you feel nice, makes you feel good, tell them as well. So another Jordan Petson, one here, the same way as training a dog. Like it's exactly what you're doing here. You need to not only punish, we're not that much more advanced than dogs really. So you need to punish stuff that you deem to be wrong and you need to reward stuff that you deem to be good.

And that will guide your partner towards being the right person for you. And I think this is where the whole conversation about being with someone, finding the right person for you. And I think this is where the whole conversation about being with someone that finding the right person for you becomes even more twisted because you can create the person that's perfect for you. I've seen that so much where someone is in a relationship with someone. You can clearly see that they're only seeing a projection of what they want that person to be and they're not really seeing that person. Do you not think that fighting when someone doesn't meet the criteria?

To let fit into the idea of them now. I think a good characteristic to look for in any potential future partner is someone who's open to change and also keen on personal development. If you get those two things, it's likely that you're going to be able to grow with that person. Like as you want them to improve, they want you to improve. You can hold them to a higher standard, but they don't take it as an insult or a slight against them or some kind of worrisome reason that you're not going to care anymore. And I think setting the tone, setting the tone in that kind of a manner, make forms of really, really good foundation. It's like, if you start off a marathon at running a six minute mile pace or whatever it is, and you continue

it, that you're like, okay, well, that's my split. I'm going to stay at six minutes. If you started at 10 minutes, like, what's the incentive to speed up? Or how do you speed up? Very important about the desire for growth as well, because then if you are with someone who is a waste man or a waste woman and you're growing at this pace and they're staying the same, there's going to be resentment. You might even start to resent that person, but both ways as well. They'll probably resent you for making progress and they're just being them So it's not like you can blame them for not wanting to grow because Do you think that this do you think that there's a typical difference between men and women with regards to how much they're prepared to grow in your experience and relationships

Like you are obviously you both ways. I've seen where the woman is really getting stuff together and really moving forward with her life, but the guy is a sort of lay about occasionally violent and so on, but because of that, because she still loves him, she puts up with it, but then you can see them growing further apart. And then the other, obviously, things like kids or whatever holds them together, or even the threat that if you leave, then I'm gonna do that. Well, the fact that as a society,

we are even to have people fucking cohabit and not tear each other's eyes out on a daily basis. It's amazing, isn't it? Like it's such a minefield. And the fact that we're held in place by social that stigma and a little bit of virtue like it is really really impressive. The thing that I find amazing is that people see their career as like something that requires a lot of work and a lot of

time but a marriage just happens. You know, like, oh, well, I signed that thing and I live with a person now. I think I'm looking back at these notes and I think you took my phone one day during relationships. You will need to write some notes here because I've got so many thoughts. Because also you wrote, you put, can I see them? Yeah, because it... Anointingly, I was looking for them this morning and I was like, where are they? So you wrote, if you bought one pair of shoes You would pick carefully

And that's I think that's the right you so I remember what that means now while you're looking through that I've got an idea to third and we're a benefit to float with you You can't sell it from a mess Yeah, I'll have to mention them and it's like So there's a there's an idea that I heard from this guy. I think it's very reductive, I think it's very simplistic, but he claims, and I'm sure there is an equivalent for men, but he claims that women can be fall long, three different continuums, continue were. Someone's going to have a friend in here, aren't they?

Yeah, they will, but like, this is, I'm relaying this guy's idea, like... If we had something that would insult Manjus as much as he's... With him. There probably is an equivalent model, because he'd heal him made it as an upsell. So, three different spectrums. Spectra... Spectry?

It's a spectrum. It's a new... Go on. New to... For a single singular. So, so you have the views towards men, relationships and their life. So for men, they either test or invest.

So if they're a tester, then they have lots of men orbiting them at one time, then they're constantly keeping just kind of constantly keeping arms reach and always testing them. Whereas an investor is a woman that decides on one man and puts all her eggs into that basket and dives in. So they're usually on one side of that spectrum or another. The next one is attitude towards sex, which is either denier or just. And this is the same way that they would react to, hey, did you eat that chocolate in the fridge? No, no, I didn't. That's a denial. That's like sex is a naughty subject. And if I'm questioned about it, I'll just deny that it exists and that I haven't eurgers or anything like that. And if they, and they're less likely to cheat on you,

but if they do you are not going to know about it. Adjustifier is to do you eat that big of chocolate? Well yeah, there's just a bit of chocolate, that was the problem. Someone who doesn't see sex is very important, is more likely to have sex with you earlier in a relationship but doesn't consider it to be anything significant or any kind of marker of how much they like you. And they are more likely to cheat on you and you're more likely to know about it. Then you have, so you have justifier and denial. Then you have attitude towards life,

realist and idealist. So realist is career focused, realizes that they're gonna be juggling a lot of stuff and doesn't have a lot of stuff and doesn't have a kind of a romanticized view of their life and their career. Idealist is, I want to be the princess of my house and I want to have a three bedroom house

with a little car and a dog and a driveway and that's the idealist kind of more traditionalistic view of their life. So you have tester investor towards men, realist, a justifier, deny it towards sex, and then realist idealist towards life and career. I've heard you use that before. To read, you call it Mark Martin. No, similar guy. I remember you talking a few of the time. I've run it by a few women trying to see whether they like it. I think the tendency is everyone's like, oh

well I'm a denyer, justifier, but it's what you do with that information. I've run it by a few women trying to see where they're like and I think the tendency is everyone's like oh well I may deny it justify it but it's what you do with that information and that's the challenge is it accurate or is it just random dichotomies that someone's created to some if it's not pertinent to how someone's going to behave in a relationship like it could just be where their principles lie but if they love you that much that they can compromise all of those things to be whatever it is that you want. But do you want someone compromising who they are? That's a good question.

I think that there has to be compromise. Even if it's just to the extent of like, because I said again, a lot of arguments that I've observed happen in relationships, especially like at uni when everyone's a very close environment, is just ego overriding. And like someone won't, it's so easy to just go, you know what, I'm sorry, my bad. I'm like, it's not, it's not that easy at all. Well, easy relative to having a three-day argument. But you think why so many people in three-day arguments clinging out of the ego? Was it, yeah, okay. So take this as a lesson, just like I was just so sorry.

I think that's what you're like. I didn't like a really silly small thing. I mean, moving on to that, like I think breakups are the most painful because of pride. I would honestly go as far as to say that more than half of the pain in most relationships, most breakups from relationships are due to the pride being hurt because it just triggers so many feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing and it's what I knew I wasn't good for this person all along or all of that sort of stuff. I think that's the reason that it hurts and that can be shown. There's been a couple of times where I've been sort

of with a girl or whatever and then we split up. I've maybe not by my choosing or maybe we've kind of drifted apart and then again, fucking no man's land of seeing someone you don't really know what's going on. And you may have a little bit of resentment towards them. But then if they come back and you get to sleep with them one more time, gone, neutralized, absolutely just immediately gone because you like the pain from the breakup. Yeah, because you like had a role along. Don't need to worry. Okay. It's happened at least three times to me. We're off in like that breakup stung a little bit more than I thought it would. I've got some residual resentment, a little bit of bitterness, a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Get sleep with them again. Like, what's all we're in about? Because I suppose it damages your ego. Like, yeah, like, am I desirable? Am I not desirable? They're saying I'm not. Like, someone getting rid of something. What do you think? Like, everyone always says, like, they want to be able to say, oh, it was mutual. And if they had a break, they're not. There was one person who pushes it one the other.

So, what do you think about this statement? I like this mutual. If they had a break up, they're not the one person who pushes it more than the other. So what do you think about this statement? The power and relationship lies with the person who cares the least. It's probably true, but I think a successful relationship shouldn't have to rely on power struggles and games of who cares and who doesn't care. If it's a case of both people, put it, like the person who suffers the most is definitely the one who cares the most. But,

if you can you see any of that, the power in relationship lies with a person who cares least in a previous relationship? It's the same, like any negotiation you will have someone who cares least and is most able to walk away and they are going to be the one that has the bargaining power. But, I definitely experienced that. I think it when it happens, it's when there isn't a shared

vision for where it's going. I think like if both, so back to the Eric Thalmers advice, it's just problem solving. It it's just professional problem solving and an issue, like there's just, you're two people who live together and share a lot of your life together. And shit's going to happen that's like as minor as I was watching that, what are you doing? Tell like, why did you make me feel this way? I really, you know, all these sorts of things. And it's managing someone else's feelings and emotions and helping them understand how you feel and what your emotions are. And if you have a shared view of where things are going and that that's a feature that you both want to be the case.

And you wouldn't argue about the small stuff because it's... Because it's like, well, I'm moving in this direction. So I've written in there... We're here. No, I'm in there. And that a relationship is like a business. And in the same way that like you, stuff, and I, we're not in a relationship in a way. But I won't have sex me ever.

Much to my point. He keeps trying. But the point is that like the little stuff is irrelevant because there's a shared view of where we'd like the business to go. Communication. Yeah. And so, but I think if someone,

let's say that UCF didn't give a shit, and I really cared, then the arguments are just gonna erupt. Yeah. So we've kind of jumped ahead to the breakup thing, so I think we can probably get over the full episode on breakups. So I wanna shout out for now. How do you think as well? How do you, after the honeymoon period of a relationship,

drops off? Where'd you go from there? Like have you got a framework for how you keep? That's a million dollar question, isn't it? I think that's like, you've got a fairly successful long-term relationship. Yeah. And you use a fairly successful framework for it as well. So we're asking you. Well, for the lover of God, keep us aframe. We've got a fucking girlfriend. I think, um, it's so the answer is, unfortunately, deadlift of 300 kilos and over. Very long.

Oh, 75% or greater leg to body volume. That's it. That's it. That is it. Come on. So, why are you like so? I wish I knew. I might just sell the answer. Just quit.

Quit and I'll tell you. He put it. You get physical delivery. Quit plus post. I'm just ringing. First of all, I'm getting upset. So I think, personally, I feel the... And I don't feel like I've created it.

I feel like it's just happened. But the relationships that I see that are just in utter turmoil all the time. Tatters. Tatters, yeah. Tatters, yeah. Bits are when, like like one of the relationship, like the man or the woman just wants to stay in all the time,

which wants to go out all the time. Or the man or the man. Or the man or the man, sorry, sorry, or the two people in a relationship. Or the non-binary, or the them, them and them. The other kinners. So I think they, one of them is forcing the other person to live their life with them and the other person wants to see their friends or wants to do something else without them

for a while and that creates arguments and problems. And I think to me a successful long-term relationship is two people sharing their life in tandem and each of them have stuff that they do like separate receptive ribs and yeah yeah but it's there's a lot of shared time but doing something else isn't a deal breaker so I think that that's the whole thing of like I don't like you don't make me whole I make me whole and then we come together in yeah yeah yeah Will Smith is big on this should the Will Smith's is going on. Will Smith's the fresh prince of Bella. The fresh prince of Bella is just started up a pretty successful YouTube channel. He is honestly, he has, and he's a wise wisdom.

Video guide, video guide Dean has, he has a stiffy over Will Smith video content. You okay? So, so turd you can see his face in the reflection. He has just had to leave, actually. Yeah, it's just hard to leave actually. Yeah Crank one out of a Will Smith video content. Yeah, double gangue. Yeah. Yeah So you think that it's a combination of you retaining your own life and your own interests Which gives you that sense of independence and not make you feel too stifled. It's such a big forearm. Yeah Look at that. It's a vascular forearm and

also having enough time together to maintain that level of contact and feel like you're progressing together. And stuff like, and it sounds stupid, but like really listening to someone when someone speaking, making eye contact with their walk in the room, like asking, sitting and asking them how their day is without being on Facebook at the same time. He's the standard, like, women come, like the stereotype, women comes in high-dark and you're right, and like guys playing Xbox doesn't look at it, just like either makes a grunting noise or just... But again, again with that, if you set the tone from the very beginning of your relationship, and again, another Jordan Peterson example here.

If you're as a man, you want to be greeted by your wife as you come through the door, tell her. I want you to greet me at the door. I want you to kiss me on the cheek and say, how was your day? And then you can go back to whatever you're doing, but I want that to happen. Like if that's a non-negotiable for you then fine.

You're not asking someone to set themselves on fire. You're asking them to come to the door and say, how was your day? Like, if you as a girl, if you don't want to have to wait for longer than two hours for a reply in a message, set that as a rule in the sand. Like, frameworks are the way that businesses, the most complex organizations.

Two hours bloody hell. And that's absolutely inconceivable for you, isn't it? But like, if I'm honest, 48 hours, I'm like, yes, I'm so responsive. So there will be people listening who are in a relationship now have felt like they've made too many concessions from their values. And they're like, is this irrecoverable now? Is that anything they can do? So the answer is always, if you're going to sell it,

it's seven million. So that's seven million. Yeah. So obviously not. So I do that. I think a good opportunity or a good chance to do that would be to have a reset. So every year for ourselves, me, particularly,

I know you two aren't quite so big on New Year's resolutions, but unmassive on them. Every year, I reset my own personal values. Me controlling me is a lot easier than me controlling me and the relationship. So having a yearly review for myself and not having one for the relationship seems almost backwards. If you're in relationship where you feel like you have compromised too much and that things are starting to go astray from where you want them to or you thought they would or whatever it might be, ask the person like, let's sit down and let's talk about the things, everything. So we say this to the boys,

perfect example, our managers get overworked when they're doing club prom or they've got a university degree to juggle with late nights and some long days that we make them work. And I have increasingly encouraged them to come to me as soon as something gets on the tits. Perfect example, not very long ago, one of the boys had a art dissertation thing in, and he just had one week where it got a little bit much room. And he came to me straight away and he's like, man,

like I just wanted you to know, I just struggled with my work with my work the last week. And immediately the pressure release file just went, and I was able to shuffle a couple of things around and that was fine but if he'd left that and the situation had got worse over the space of eight weeks he'd leave because he'd go I can't take this. One bad week. I've worked hard with stuff for as well. Everything would degrade. So I think have a every six months or every year, like pick a time, but make it Valentine's Day, make it New Year, make it something, every single year have a sit-down with the party. Okay,

so what do you think won't well this year? What would you change? Like, and go into it openly, this person isn't saying to you, I don't like who you are, saying that we could be better together, and I would be happier if you do this. It's not comment on you as a person and the fact, if you can do this completely transparently, and as long as you're not saying, like, I hate the size of your penis, I wish you had smaller nibbles. It's valid feedback. It's valid feedback, but it may be difficult to swallow. The small penis is what we find actually.

What would you do about your large Friday gniples like E? And your small penis. Yeah. Suffer. You, inside the makeup for another rose? I do. I see. Kissing on the cheeks if they come through the door. Fine.

Just a big nip. I just think, you know, tiny penis. I just think that that's a very good advice though, to say that is a very good advice. Yeah. It's a very similar advice. Thank you for being advice on that. On the side. Yeah, maybe six monthly reviews and maybe well definitely do it across the multiple dimensions. There's a guy who speak who's spoken about this and wife to to inform me. There is, he was it.

And it's like, yes, I have a total. And he can like be shit. It's someone we both follow. Be shit with kids for a bit. But if it was because you've done loads of business trips and you know, he's doing a lot for the family in that way, then it's okay for a bit, as long as he's not shit in two areas,

two months and two quarters in a row. That's all right. But that's because that person, anyway, I think it's up to like, one thing to go back to what we're talking about generally, I'm going to guess that there might be some people at home that are thinking this sounds like a very unromantic way to operate a relationship.

But as I just identified there, it's like, are you really a romantic? When was the last time you wooed your wife with a rose between your teeth and spun around it? Without being a goal or outcome based decision behind it. That's it. It's just to put to an out there. That's all anything. The criticism of that's unromantic.

It's the people who say that a guarantee are not romantic. They're not really. And they were in their idealist relationships. And they have one. They won't have successful relationships or more certainly for very long. The idea is think like an artist, work like an accountant. That's a nice way to put it. Have you just come up with that? No, it was someone saying that the great performers or whatever, thing like artists and work like a accountant. A good point about

romanticism as well, like for a very, very long time in human history, we didn't just have one partner and we didn't marry for love. We married because the person that lived in the farm next door lived in the farm next door and by his convenience. Yeah, it was a marriage of convenience. It was a marriage for power. It was a tool of bureaucracy. It was a tool of uniting or stopping wars, uniting kingdoms together, stuff like that. There was a sort of... I don't know. We're remarking territory now, isn't it,

where we start to think like a marriage is only a social thing and we're not. I think I think romance in its current form as was created in the Renaissance period can be seen as that. The Romeo and Juliet kind of approach to things. I think it's much more empowering to treat it as a sequence of inputs and outputs because that allows the problem to be first identified and then rectified, as opposed to it would just not write for each other. Well, no, hang on a second, what the fuck do you mean? We're not right for each other. Like, what is not right? Can it be fixed? Input, process, output. So I fully subscribe to that way of thinking I just think it's easier for everybody if everybody views it like that

Rather than getting like because it's a sort of an emotion as soon as someone gets emotional about all these emotions in relationships I'm sorry getting in the way Do you think people on the spectrum? I'm I can't be all just I'm spreadsheet for everything Would be a better world the assburgers is just tangible in the room isn't it? Yeah, well I can't be honest, I'm spreadsheet, it's for everything. The assburg is just tangible in the room isn't it? Yeah, but like having honest, difficult conversations, if everyone was just willing to do that. And try and come up with solutions to problems. As long as both people are willing to approach it like that.

Pressure relief, though. It's like imagine if, this is what I'm saying, like a relationship, like a business, imagine it, like the board of huge companies, just one of them just walked out, you know what this just isn't working? What would happen? Like the entire world would fail. But for some reason, that's what people think is a solution. Even though there is still an outcome

focus with two people involved. But like if it weren't when the Tesla share price dipped 20% and Elon Musk walked out of the boardroom and said he was going to go stay with his mother. I bet his. I bet when all that was happening, I imagine he just goes, we need to have a meeting. I bet it's not far off. Because there's just no room for, especially when there's kids involved and there's a fallout of the decision, it is totally irresponsible to get emotional and make rash decisions. Now, I think all of that again comes down

to fear of communicating. And so, and they justify it behind this, like, oh, well, marriage isn't supposed to be a planned thing because romanticism and everything. But fuck the Renaissance. But at every stage from just meeting someone to seeing someone to starting relationship, to long term perpetuating relationship, all of the gaps come from, even though there are different problems at each stage, come from poor communication.

100% And being afraid of saying something that might offend some hearing answer or hearing the truth. Everyone should learn the basics of judo and so on. judo. Why judo? What are you gonna do? I'm gonna flip you off. So we're weirdly like. You don't even like to perform any strikes. It has to only be a grappling wrestling. What if you leave a bruise? Like I'm doing So we're weirdly you know even a lot of performance strikes it has to only be wrestling What if you leave a bruise like I don't agree we just a weird thing is that What do you say selling selling yeah what you son?

That's it you have to combine you to with one other thing so like judo and selling to be a This was gonna be a life hack was everyone should learn the basics of marketing and sales because like in a relationship you have to put across your view and try and bring someone else's view in line with yours and both people have to try and do that. And if both people understand how emotion gets in the way and how things can be removed to a to arrive at a decision, which much of you. I think it's difficult and this has happened sometimes with me in a relationship when I've been discussing an issue.

If you're particularly good at selling or you're in the whole time. Yeah. Well, that's why everyone should live in the basics. But the problem with that is that it doesn't, the fact that someone says yes in the moment doesn't actually mean that that's what's right. Because you've sold someone onto a program that it wasn't, it fact that someone says yes in the moment, doesn't actually mean that that's what's right. Because you've sold someone onto a program that it wasn't, it wasn't a good thing. Well, in RIFER.

They paid the money in that. Imagine a world where you both just closing the show, we'd shut the whole time. They're just constantly. I've fucking won this. That's so good. You've got the up sale, you've got that, yeah. And you're on loads of subscriptions,

you didn't sign up to. I think, I just, it's, it's, it's, I don't know, I don to. I think it's difficult. If you're able to box someone up in a discussion, and your partner isn't a contender for you with regards to how they're able to articulate themselves, or hold themselves in the debate, or even just stand there on ground

if they're a little bit more conscientious, or agreeable, sorry. Put them on a cold calling course. Just immunize them against the river you're trying to sell them on stuff. Well, I think more than I was trying to get out, it was like you very quickly become immune to to ship difficult conversations. How often should I have sex?

As often as you want. How often should you have sex in relationship minimum? So I know everyone's different and you've got to match your libido part, but I reckon any less than once a week, then things are starting to. I agree. I think the only exception is. If you're living together. This stuff like, I don't know, like you're away or what obviously like well you have that has to be where three or just a few people are crispy. That's the very obvious thing that you can just... Or when those head sections are going to stop their game. Oh yeah. So once a week, once a week you need to have sex with your partner. And I think like...

And I don't think there's a problem with the shedding of the ring at in as well. That's the sort of thing there's a taboo. I want to hear you tell the story about when the reminder came upon you fun. I don't think I can. I've already put my foot in it at the very start of the podcast. Do you have a place? Well then don't say it. Because you believe it's not the location and the name of it. Do you not believe that? Well, I'm done. I think it's fine.

I think it has to be a priority, right? Yeah. Especially, I mean, I don't know, but I imagine as soon as you have kids, and as soon as it's like loads of shit to do, and it's easy to just get like bumped to the bottom of it to do this. However, frequency is one element of it, but I think with these six monthly reviews or quarterly reviews, you need to assess quality as well. Because there's no point in having lots of bad sex.

But you partner. When no one comes. It's just ineffective training, isn't it? You were no one. I'm no one orgasms. Time and attention. Yeah, exactly. So there's no games.

No one's making any games, everyone's... Just for the joining. It's one of those things that, yeah, it's uncomfortable to talk about that stuff, especially like out, but I mean, it has to, everyone's... Just for the joining. It's one of those things that, yeah, it's uncomfortable to talk about that stuff, especially like out, but, I mean, it has to be done away from a bedroom. It's only uncomfortable. Why?

Because if it's in the moment, people always pick up. Oh, I see. I thought you meant just the room. Just, just, just, just to find a point of how shit I am in bed during sex. Yeah, exactly. No one's gonna,

don't put that there. Stop pinching that. Yeah. Why'd you hand me? Yeah. Oh, exactly. No one's gonna, don't put that there. Stop pinching that. Yeah. Why don't you hand get off me? Yeah. Oh, you are you. And something that top tip for anyone that's wanting to reignite, something like that

in their relationship is to look into Tantra. Because it's a great way to build intimacy but also connection with, like physical connection with your partner by breathing together and... So we try and direct energy around your body? Yeah, you can't do it. I think you do a thing where... You didn't move for ages.

Yeah, so there's exercises where you set up at each other, chest, chest and you just breathe to 10, 15 minutes in. No, I mean, it was during sex. You can do a during sex as well, And you didn't move range of exercises. Is there a, is there a like a 12-in-program? There's a couple of, I'll give video guideine, a couple of videos to put in the links in the show notes. What if you spend so much time inside the other person

without moving that you become fused together? That's a major profused. Can that happen? Sure. So, like things co? Sure, fucking not. So, like things coagulate, I imagine. But the exercise, do you need to be inside of the other person for what you're doing? You're getting ahead of yourself.

All of this stuff. Sure, Chris. Because if you read, if you try and do tantra by doing that first, you're just going to end up having normal sex. Having normal sex. Having a normal sex. Yeah. The birth of tantra is to breathe together in circular energy between yourselves when there is no sexual arousal is low so that you can then bring that into your normal sense. So is the taper period? Yeah. So David Data,

way of the superior man has a book and then he has a series of exercises that you can do guided with your partner. They are audio programs. Obviously, your partner has to be a bit open to doing weird stuff. But it's not that weird. It's not that weird. Yeah, I'm going to put a duck in the rar, so you... Well, I mean, we don't know Chris, we're getting a head of ourselves. That's him. We are getting in here, seven. Yeah, we're getting in there.

Duck, up, arse. Loathe his hands. Yeah, it's like duck in arse. Ticklepars, his hand. And put it up the arse. So I think weekly reminder, nail the bird. We do remind a nail the bird, review the quality and frequency. Problem with that. Need to be shared calendar. Oh yeah, I can.

If it's just your reminder. Well, that's another top tip for relationships, to be honest, shared calendar. So shared calendar, actually, I mean, rate. Today's podcast was scheduled on a shared calendar, except none of us put it in. So then I put it in like today. And all of us were late.

I'm just varying degrees. I was in a time. You weren't you late. It's more in time than you do. That's true. That's late. So any parting thought I'm just thinking about where we'll go from here.

So the next one will probably do breakups and cheating. Oh, it's gonna be thorny. Juicy. It's gonna be thorny. And then we need to do single life, legion, like pure legion and pick up. We'll need a whiteboard. We're like single life.

Yeah. We'll need a whiteboard and I've got I've got we need to get a lot of I've got the framework right. Of why you need to get off tender and get an Instagram. Yeah. So that's it. I'd love to see if you can make that framework accessible to people with under 50,000 followers. Yeah. So that's easily how how to use Instagram instead of Tinder even if you haven't been on TV. That's what should be cool. We're going to have to review some of the lovely questions that you guys have sent as well. Yes, I had so many sent in, but the most requested episode was Relationships 102,

so that's exactly what it is. A part in thought on relationships as you move forward. I mean, none of us are married, none of us have been married. It's all because of the past. It's because of that communication. Like, that wasn't the goal, none of us have been married. It's all a little bit cross-checked. It's all because of that communication. Like, that wasn't the goal. That wasn't like the secret. It's the common theme throughout everything, though, right? I think work on making yourself the best possible companion is the only thing

that's really in your control. Like, obviously, getting into relationships and all that sort of stuff can be influenced, but like if you somewhat I read something early today, it was like I again, the askers wife to review it. I was like, it's gonna annoy me if I'm not getting it. There was like, oh, relationship to end up in in in tatters because people are like, you know, might have been nims, but anyway, people are just not ready to be a relationship personally, emotionally, and they then just put all of us stuff on the person. And so if you're wondering why you're in a series of failed relationships or your relationship

shit, look at yourself. Look at yourself first. Well, John Peterson says that, like, if you're a track, if there's multiple women and all of them keep rejecting you, guess who the problem is, it's not the women, it's you. It's a big pride, big border pride to swallow though, isn't it? It's like a, well people don't want, people don't want to concede the fact that there's something up with them, like duck, up them, something up them.

No, no, no. Quite, quite, quite, quite, quite I'm not quite quite. Quite quite. You did my duck. No, quite quite. Duck, right? Any part in thoughts? I think next time, let's do why relationships fail. Because there's, we've covered about 10 models there

of failing relationships. We didn't dive into them fully. So 10 reasons why relationships are maybe getting part in your place. But I can find, it's having been nether than the bird on a seven-day cycle. That's why they offer. Yeah, every week's thing is a great bit of a smartphone.

Oh, bro. That's why I want to talk to you guys as well. Communication. And it's just a theme, isn't it? Throughout all of this, you've got two people in a relationship who are invested with each other. And I'm too afraid to speak to each other. It's an insane experience.

Any surprise. Thanks. K-Biden. K-Biden. you