Modern Wisdom - #1026 - Alison Armstrong - How to Treat Men Better

Episode Date: November 29, 2025

Alison Armstrong is a relationship coach, speaker, and author. Are modern gender dynamics leaving men feeling ‘castrated’? While men are often blamed for today’s social problems, far less attention is given to how shifting expectations of women and relationships may also shape male identity. What role do women play in this dynamic—and how can it be improved? Expect to learn how important it is for women to seem impressed or giddy or appreciative of their partner, how women can appear more receptive or appreciative, why men are being emasculated by women, how women can stop castrating men and much more… Sponsors: See discounts for all the products I use and recommend: https://chriswillx.com/deals Get a free bottle of D3K2, a Welcome Kit, Travel Packs, plus Black Friday bonus gifts (US only) when you first subscribe at https://ag1.info/modernwisdom Get 35% off your first subscription on the best supplements from Momentous at https://livemomentous.com/modernwisdom Get the brand new Whoop 5.0, your first month for free, plus Black Friday bonus offers at https://join.whoop.com/modernwisdom Extra Stuff: Download Alison's E-Book: ⁠https://tinyurl.com/5983h4ke⁠ (Click 'for ME' and use code AlisonGift 2025 at checkout) Find out more about Alison's programs: ⁠https://tinyurl.com/4cd96kh5 Get my free reading list of 100 books to read before you die: https://chriswillx.com/books Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic: https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom Episodes You Might Enjoy: #577 - David Goggins - This Is How To Master Your Life: https://tinyurl.com/43hv6y59 #712 - Dr Jordan Peterson - How To Destroy Your Negative Beliefs: https://tinyurl.com/2rtz7avf #700 - Dr Andrew Huberman - The Secret Tools To Hack Your Brain: https://tinyurl.com/3ccn5vkp - Get In Touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You asked why it is that I wanted to speak to you and that you were surprised that I would. I can't believe that you're surprised that I would want to speak to you. I think the stuff that I've learned about you and your work is, I think you're phenomenal. I think you're absolutely wonderful. I think the idea of working

collaboratively to help women get more out of men, as in treat men in a way, that they want to be treated that causes them to behave in the best way that they can to serve their partner to create this alchemy that ever refines and transcends and includes I think is wonderful I think it's fantastic thank you it's a privilege what is it what is it that you're trying to achieve with your work

Heaven on earth. Love. People choosing love. Again and again and again over everything else. It's probably the easiest way to describe it. There's a lot of different roots to heaven on earth. Yes. What's the one that you've chosen?

Um... Oh boy. There's so many. ways to go with this, I would say the one that I've chosen has to do with paradigms. Exposing paradigms, revealing paradigms, reverse engineering, how the way that a paradigm, every paradigm makes certain things easy, simple, obvious, and makes other things impossible. And if the results that you want are impossible in the paradigm you're operating in, get a new one, invent a new one, and even trade them out. Like, oh, this gives me access.

Okay, let's go there. And since I started studying men in February of 1991, when I found out I was bringing out the worst in y'all, which was great news. I don't know if you've seen that in any of the content you've. watched, this is the best news. Can I swear? You can swear as much as you'd like. Oh, good. We have a policy about swearing, and that is that we do. We are pro-swearing. We are proudly pro-swearing. But, but only because you can't separate truth from transformation. If you water down the truth, you water down transformation. Oh, and you

are molesting the truth by getting in the way by limiting people's ability to use language? Well, you water it down, you water it down. And I'm all about potency. And so precision and potency, I think like an engineer,

so reverse engineering, and then depending on the result you want, like there's such a thing as too potent for a particular result. Yeah, it's too refined, too condensed. Yep. Yeah, or there's, Yeah, or there's, in some cases, like, I'll generalize.

I'll generalize and I'll swing the pendulum so people can find themselves. So it's purposely imprecise. Right? Yeah, the best songs do that as well. The best songs. Music songs. I think there's a degree, I think there's a degree of vagueness in lyrics. So for a long time, just because I hadn't thought about it enough,

I assumed there was nothing that could be said in a song that couldn't be said in a book or a podcast because I have way more words. I'm way more precise. I can explain, I can revisit, I can loop back, I can come from a different angle. But there's tons of stuff that you can say in songs, regardless of the fact there's a melody,

there's stuff that you can say in poetry, there's a better way to say, there's stuff that you can say in poetry that I can't say in a podcast. Yes. Well, the poem is limited by its pentameters and the syllables and the phrases and how is that the case? Well, because the vacuum, the absence of explanation, allows people to inject themselves into the story and it sucks them in. So the purposeful vagueness resonates. Well, that's why Keyes the Kingdom and the Queen's Code and the sequel to the Queen's Code, which will be the King's Code. That's why they're, like there's sex in those books, but it's big.

The more explicit you are in a sex scene than people are judging. Like, do I want that or not that? You just leave it just broad breaststrokes and then everybody finds himself in there. They fill in their own pictures and then it can resonate and, yeah, can. Get through. A men easy to please. How rigorously are you using the word please? However it lends for you.

Okay, all right. We'll go in then. So there's please and there's pleasure. And when men talk about please, women, they're talking about causing pleasure. Thank goodness. That's how you mean it. For women, which I assert is from being the smaller and weaker gender,

by virtue of the hormones that kick in it, 21 days of gestation, if you're destined to have ovaries, or sometimes I call them undescended testicles, um, we're just, we're just always going to be that way. The physical strength is a function of testosterone. And, and so because of that, and the, if you think of millennia of survival, mostly depended on physical strength. Earth is a physical paradigm. There's physical dangers. It's, you need the brawn.

And so, and it's lasted all this time. And I mean, you know, I've talked to thousands and thousands of women. And I would call it a human instinct except for what I've been working on for about. the last five years is how many survival instincts are consistent in humans, but they're not human? Like we share survival instincts with herd and pack animals, with herd our prey, pack our predators. So many of our behaviors are consistent with that, including status. like the status determined survival. You got to find it, build it, protect it,

find your place that you want to be in the herd or the pack that's consistent with the amount of accountability that you want. Most people think of status as power, but ultimately it's accountability, the level of survival. And so we have all these behaviors and pleasing, is one of them. And for women, we're terrified of being displeasing. We strive to please and to avoid displeasing, and we're watching you so closely, so closely, to see what's pleasing and what's not pleasing. The cableman within has been tracking you since the moment you walk through the

door. And you laughed at something. It's like, oh, okay, you left at that. Like, just like noticing. And you laughed when I laughed. And then I went and told you about the eyelashes. So it's, it's a constant. It's a, you could think of it as a, it's a macro program and it's running in the background. How about now? How about now? Is he pleased? Is he pleased? Oh, was he displeased just then? And we'll actually act upon it. Your expressions, your gestures, your tone of voice are cues to us to how to change and adapt so that you'll save me. Because we don't know who men really are, we think you're only going to save the women you're pleased by. And if the tiger arrives now, and we've just had an argument, right, oh shit, I'm going to die.

That's what it seems like. And so one of the things this makes us really sensitive to is preferences. We're just to suck for what your preferences are, and we remember them. And we think we're paying attention to your preferences because we love you. And so if you really loved me, you would be paying attention to mine. You would remember which drink I chose, including that when I chose the other one, I chose the blueberries, right? And it's, I mean, it's just one of a thousand ways that we expect a man to be like a woman,

that you'd be tracking my preferences. You would hear all the hints as a request. You would hear criticism as a request, a complaint as a request. Why didn't you do that as a request that would cause you to act? And when it doesn't, we draw all these conclusions that would be what would be true for us. You didn't act upon that, so you must not care about me. It never occurs to us. It wasn't actionable.

That comment did not speak to the Action Command Center at all. And it has nothing to do with how you feel about me. So when you say, please, are men easy to please? There are women who've spent their entire lives trying to please men. and you're not that hard to please. It's just not worth much. You don't, the point in a man's life for what he cares most about is being pleased. That's like all the hunting's done, all the building's done, all the accomplishing's done,

all the animals have been caught and killed and butchered. So now we're going to pay attention to what type of beer do we want. But that comes after everything that men are driven to do. Everyone's, we've created everything, we've protected everybody, we provided for everybody. Oh yeah, no, I'd rather have a dosakis. It's so tiny the meaning of being pleased to a man. But yet women are zeroed in on being pleasing. and then they miss the substance, they miss, I mean, would a man rather be pleased or empowered?

Wow. Would a man rather be pleased or admired? Would a man rather be pleased or accepted? Would the same not be true for women if you offered them that task, that option? Yeah. I wish women could be that clear. I mean, that was easy for you, right? That was an easy.

Those were all easy. So easy. All my chips were on ones. So obvious, yes. Unfortunately, we, because of the meaning we attach to it, we want it all. We want you to strive to meet my preferences and my needs. And honor my values without me really talking to you about what that would look like. And, of course, the mystiff maker of all, meet all my expectations without me having to tell you anything.

It's a surprise that anybody's able to have a functioning relationship at all. Well, I've been accused of laughing too much. Do you know, in an interview, why is she laughing so much? I have to laugh. I mean, we have a principle in our company. We have a sense of humor about all. I have to, because we're doomed. We, we, a surprise, it's a miracle.

We have opposing instincts. We, we seek. The way I seek safety and you're likely to seek security, men only use the words of safety when they're talking about, okay, my family's safe, or you're safe to talk to. That's what men will say she's safe to talk to. The rest of the time, you don't pay attention to safety. You pay attention to being secure, and it's fact-based.

It's not a feeling. Can you delineate between safety and security for me? Some people would use them interchangeably, but I pay a lot of attention to the words men use. And as I just said, I've only heard men use the word safe in regards to safe to talk to you, and my family's safe. Everybody's safe, like the fires in Los Angeles.

How are you? Everyone's safe. And security is based on a, there's usually facts involved in security. Yeah, I'm secure. I've got this much money in the bank. I've got this track record. I'm respected by these people. I have.

These people owe me favors. What are my connections? What are all my resources? Right? This is my influence. Okay, we're good. We're good. We're on track.

It's going to turn out. And women who use the word safe a lot. And it's hard to convey, but we're always paying attention to safety. It's a constant. It's one of the estrogen creates a different kind of vision in women than in men, hunting. vision versus gathering vision. And part of that gatherers' vision is always monitoring safety. And for us and for children, for example, we're constantly monitoring safety.

And it's a feel safe. It's not so much fact-based. It's a feel-safe. And I remember my late husband when he, he, he, he came to our understanding women course and he started to get it living with me

didn't always have him get it even though he was my he was my prime guinea pig right and whenever we'd blow up the lab he when it was all cleaned up he'd say this is going to be in a workshop

and yeah and I'd say If you're willing, and he would say, if it'll make a difference, and oh, you got so much acknowledgement. We'd sit in the back at the Understanding Women Workshop, and I'm teaching men to understand women, and the women are learning to understand themselves at the same time. They didn't know this about themselves. It took about, I've been studying men, I think, for about 12 years by the time I realized I could translate a woman into a man's reality. and um but he he got it and he got this thing like

Greg Greg is was a car guy right he left me three convertibles and included including his favorite the Porsche and um and so moving in and out of traffic and that was just fun for him but when he found out about women's peripheral vision and that when he would like move into a space it occurs like that car is going to hit me on the passenger side or there's studies that show the faster in objects going the bigger the difference between a man's ability to track it and a woman's ability to track it that's interesting. Yeah. So, so he would be, he would be approaching and to slide over. Remember we're coming, we're just come out of Las Vegas towards L.A. And he's slide over. And I'm sitting there

and I'm having this terror reaction. And I'm trying to fight it with facts. He's never hit a truck. He's never hit a truck. He's never hit a truck. He's never hit a truck. Let's be factual. He's never hit a truck. Never In all these years, he's never hit a truck, he's never hit a truck, he's never hit a truck, he's never hit a truck, while my body is going, we're going to die. So, I'm not sure how we got there. Safety and security. Yes, so if I'm pleasing you, then I'm feeling safe. Because there's no way that somebody, there's no way that somebody, there's no way. way that a man who is pleased by you would not also look out for your safety?

We think that. That's the... We think that, but it's... There's so many things that women trust too much, including trust. But one of the things we trust too much is connection. So we feel safe when we feel connected, when we're resonating, when we're like, Okay, you're with me. We got this thing going on.

Like the first time you went like that, and it was like, the reaction of my body to you doing that? It was just, everything's going to be all right. Okay, we're connecting. But again, we're... I didn't do it for you,

but I'm glad it had that effect on you. I assumed it was real. Okay. but we're constantly monitoring it. So in the next moment, are we still connected? Or we're so connected. But what I mean by trust too much is a woman will think, like women in sales, are mystified when a man doesn't buy.

But we had such a great connection. You know, when he doesn't ask her to marry him. But we have such a great connection. We should get married. Like anything that you don't say yes to women, have a great connection is, it's shocking. We think it should count for more than it does. Way more.

Like interviewing men, 12 things that make a person the right person to commit to, the right person to marry. Love and connection are not in the list of 12. Hmm. They don't show up. Oh, we have a great connection. No. There's 12 things.

and they're all factual, they're all practical, they're all, men are so much smarter about commitment than women are, and yet you're accused of being non-committal. No. A whole other myth to blow up. I was talking to writing about it. Y'all are naturally committal. Testosterone creates single focus. Single focus is commitment.

specific destination result, a goal. I mean, you pick it and your brain screens out everything irrelevant. It would be really interesting to know what you came and focused on for today. Did I come and focused on for today? Okay. So I have a tendency, like a lot of insecure overachievers might do, to focus on control, planning, reduce down the optionality of the future so that I know exactly how things are going to go. That makes me feel quite secure.

Yes. You want to blow that one out? Is this turned into a fucking therapy session? I've inverted this into a therapy session or what. It's not therapy because it's not personal. I understand. It's human. Let me just finish that one out.

I would love for you to blow me apart in any case. I apologize for interrupt. No, no, no. You interrupt away. I don't know what it is. I've done over a thousand episodes now on the show. And sometimes I turn up with a real focus. There's something that I want to get out of this episode.

episode. And today, and because I'm trying to push my limits of discomfort around lots of patterns that have been around for a very, very long time, I really wanted this to be emergent. I really wanted to see what comes out of this. How does it feel to be in the room with Allison? Like, how do I feel around room? What am I interested in? And I don't need to try and control, oh, well, because in the back of my mind, there's a bit of me that says, well, I've still got the open loop around the plea. men thing. And she said that that's not what's most important. So I need to go back to that at some point. And I need to say, okay, please men, it isn't what's most important. Let's go through that. Well, she's just opened up this really lovely window about the 12 things that you need in order

to choose whether someone's the right partner. So we need to go back to that. But she's also got this window open, which is that she needs to blow open my desire for security. So I'm like, you know, I've got this branching tree that's sort of getting very tentically. But I'm also just, I really, really wanted to get comfortable with just sitting in the flow and doing that too. So I'm trying to balance both. My intention coming in was to just really sort of sit and see where you want you to go. I trust you. I genuinely trust you. And I think we were going to have an interesting conversation no matter what, no matter how weavy it gets or how much it meanders and lists around. Yes. I want to hear these 12 things. I think it's too big. It's too big.

big of an open loop for me. I'm sorry. My old pattern's coming back in to get me. You put a pin in it. Yeah. There's a lot of things worth putting pins in. What are the 12 things that people should decide whether a relationship is compatible or not based on? Before we continue, I've been drinking AG1 every morning for as long as I can remember now, because it is the simplest way I've found to cover my bases and not overthink nutrition, and that is why I partnered with them. Just one scoop gives you 75. vitamins, minerals, probiotics and whole food ingredients in a single drink. Now they've taken it a step further with AG1 next gen, the same one scoop once a day ritual, but this time backed by four

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Oh, I wouldn't say there shoulds. It's what I've learned men look for. Okay. That makes someone the right person. Um, okay, so we've got. Ah, yeah, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y. So many things do put pins in. Okay, I'm going to rattle these off without explanation, which is very hard for me to do. I, getting to the point, like, being concise, to me,

It's like you sound cool, like when you say these things. But it doesn't serve people. It doesn't necessarily give them access to something. But I'm going to try it anyway. Okay, let's see if I can remember them all. It's a long time since I led or watched that course. Okay, so one thing, let's just start here. Doesn't emasculate him too much.

Too much changes over time. In your stage? See? I can't. I can't. You're doing it. Come on, Alison, let's move on the number two. Okay.

God, you only got one in. Okay. I know. I know. I know. But it changes. Okay. What's not too much to a prince is way too much to a king.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Okay. Stop it. Doesn't emasculate him too much. Too much. She likes him.

genuinely likes him. There's volumes on that. Sex. There's enough communication in sex. There's enough exploration in sex that he thinks that he could do this with this one person for the rest of his life. It's enough variety right here between us.

Okay, wait, we can do this. It doesn't have to be perfect. Okay. All right, I'm going to drop this one. He thinks he can give her what he thinks she needs. that's a cliff how he figures out what she needs is a whole topic their values

as in where they come from They may, they'll have to be exactly the same. They can even be complimentary. Their futures have to be in the same direction. Are we headed the same direction? All of these are stand-alones, by the way. Each one of them matters Someone could be 10 out of 12

No, we're not going to do this Um Oh, Polly Uh, um, communication So sex is one area of communication, but communication in general Um Um, is productive It's got to solve problems.

It's got to identify problems, solve problems. On the same team, the way a man put it was, when there's a problem, she doesn't make me the problem. We stay on the same team, no matter what we stay on the same team. very hard for women to do. Okay. That's all I can remember right now. That's okay. Eight of 12, eight of 12, eight of 12, eight of 12, eight of 12 is good.

I see, I see, uh, my friends and myself in, in all of those. Ah. There we go. She's attractive to him. Which women don't understand. She's attractive. What we would call him making sense of men, both sexually attractive, and he's charmed and enchanted by her. She's special.

I think women wildly underestimate how much men are attracted to charm. Oh my gosh. well another topic the four most charming qualities in a woman you want to know let's keep weaving this thing this tree is huge it's a redwood let's keep oh my gosh yeah it's it's it's an aspen forest which is what I live in four most charming qualities

in a woman in a woman Number one, self-confidence. It's hilarious because I've had panels of men say it's probably different for other men, but for me it's self-confidence. And they all say self-confidence. I've unpacked that for a while. What does that mean? Yeah, like about 20 years.

The second would be authenticity. and men almost always use the word courage when she has the courage to be direct when she has the courage to speak up when she has the courage to be who she really is when she has the courage to say what she needs when she has the courage to share her dreams and authenticity

in and so much of being a woman is about pretense seriously we're taught to pretend pushed what was it called that bra the wonder bra laugh at jokes

that you don't think are funny I mean so much of being a woman were literally taught to pretend in order to be pleasing and this is where we miss the mark men would much other have authenticity

than someone who's pretending in order to be pleasing Now, will you take it? Okay, it's better than nothing, but not worth a whole lot. So self-confidence, authenticity, passion, which is, it ends up in the domain of marriage as well. The way that men put it is she's got to have something outside of me. outside of us that feeds her. So she's bringing something to us.

Can I go down this way a little bit? It doesn't seem to matter what she's passionate about, as long as there's a passion. A shared passion, though, is how cool is that, right? And women wish that men would listen to them talk longer, but they don't know that how long you can listen to us. Talk depends on how we're being. If we're complaining,

give me about 30 seconds. If we're talking about something we're passionate about, And it's actually been measured that being with a woman who's obviously, I've had a show of hands. Men spend two days with me and I like, okay, how many of you have a greater sense of well-being than when you arrived? They'll raise their hands. It's an effect of a woman being passionate. You guys actually, it can be measured. You'll have a testosterone spike, which is the well-being hormone.

And so, yeah, women's got to have a passion and be passionate. And it's really cute how men talk about. Yeah, my wife collects ceramic cows. I don't know why, but it's her passion, so I'll spend my time off by her ceramic cow. Like, it becomes worth it. And then the fourth one, the fourth one is the most difficult for women because, and they don't know why it's so difficult, because self-confidence, authenticity, and passion, all shift how a man's being. And it's the opposite of sexual attraction, which self-confidence crosses over. But then there's shiny hair, which is an indicator of being fertile.

There's a shapely body. All kinds of definitions of that. Men have no control over their imprint of the shape that gets them. Sensuality. Being present to the pleasure your own senses are bringing you, which causes men to think of the pleasures that they would like to bring you. And then the most, the most is sexual energy. And it's the, the way I used to say it was it's the energy a woman puts out when she wants to put out.

And so, but these cause a man to want to take. Give me that. I got to tap that. One of the things I got in touch with about 15 years ago was, like, if we were paying attention, not just subconsciously, do you like dogs? I love dogs. You love dogs. If you've trained a dog? Try to.

Try to. So, as in humans, we had the limbic system, right, which is always a split. second ahead of the prefrontal cortex, right? So this is the impulse to do, and then this is choice. This can override. Well, a dog, I have a border collie, and when he was a puppy, I started training him as if he were a horse, which proved really effective, and he, his body would be shaking. And I realized that the shaking came from impulse, override, impulse, override, impulse, Oh, right. And he wanted to jump up on me so badly, and he knew not to. It's just shaking, shaking, shaking.

Well, what women don't know, and it's one of the crazy things about how much they lead with sexuality, is that a man is having the same reaction, that the impulse is grab it. Grab it, take it, carried away. That's the impulse. then he's overriding that no no no no no no no no no no no no no to whatever degree he has to depending on how antagonized the most primitive instinct on the planet it but it's why women feel really safe around gay men there's no there's no override there's no vibration there's no tension you're just so easy to be with But meanwhile, we exacerbate what makes it hard to be with a straight man

because of how much we think sexual attraction is what matters. But this is what causes a man to want to take, and these other qualities, charming, is what causes a man to want to give. What was the fourth charming quality? Haven't said it yet. Good job. Receptivity. Because the first three make him want to give

But if she's not receptive She's caused him to want to give And then she's like No, I can do that myself No, I don't need that And I'll prove it to you I don't need anything you got What?

That's being a man? No way Am I going to be receptive to that? You want to give me your opinion? You want to teach me what you know? You want to protect me from a danger that you see that I'll argue against. Like, men are looking for women who are receptive both to who they are and what they want to give, what they need to give. Men need to give.

Women need to give. We need to give. But both men and women suck at Rusemi. Just suck at it. It's one of the best skills to work on. You say that appreciation is a form of oxygen for men. How? You've probably heard experts like Dr. Ronda Patrick talk about the benefits of omega-3s.

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Most of all, Momentus offers a 30-day money-back guarantee, so you can buy it and try it for 29 days. If you don't love it, they'll just give you your money back. Plus, they ship internationally. Right now, you can get 35% off your first subscription and that 30-day money-back guarantee by going to the link in the description below, or heading to livemometus.com. slash modern wisdom and using the code modern wisdom a checkout that's l-I-V-E-M-O-M-E-N-T-O-U-S dot com slash modern wisdom and modern wisdom a checkout how important is it for women to seem impressed or giddy or appreciative or receptive of their partners well I call it peacocking I remember when I realized that my soon-to-be boyfriend was doing it

because I was with my husband for 20 years so I yeah yeah I had to relearn everything after he died and so a man is attracted to a woman you think she's special there's something you guys are so perceptive you can see it across her room oh who's that oh she's special right now there's something at stake now there's a nervousness now being turned down ouch right and so he'll try to impress but if she's not impressed you guys know if you can't impress

her your chances of making her happy that's number 10 we're going to end up excavating the Remaining too. They're remaining. Yeah. He knows he can make her happy. Huge. Huge. Men marry women they know they can make happen.

Men don't marry women that they love, but they know they can't make her happy. They, if they can't impress her, like, oh, this is a non-starter. If she's not impressed, which is like this much, how am I ever going to make her happy? I mean, I certainly know for me the sense of being impressive is a wonderful motivator. Yes. Do more of that. Good boy points. Points.

Men play for points. And it's not, I don't know, good boy. Good boy, minor, but it could be, you know, patronizing or matronizing, right? but good job, good job, or, wow, or, or, there's a, have you, have you listened to her, read the Queen's Code? Yes, yeah, read. Okay. So, do you remember the line in there where Mike says to his wife, Karen,

I'm always trying to impress you. And then she's like, then why don't you take out the trash? He's like, that would impress you? Well, that's her job. I mean, pleasing a man is tiny, like we talked about in the beginning. But to be impressed by him, he would so much rather that you would so much rather that you were impressed by him, then he was pleased by you. You know, we're getting towards the bullseye here, not like, that outer edges.

How do you advise women to cultivate more receptiveness, more displays of appreciation and being impressed. I can answer that, but I'm going to start in a place that seems like I might not be, okay? So, this has showed up in the last year or so as I started letting the King's Code come through. You know, I didn't write the books, right? Okay, so. Women have an instinct that anything important, we have to tell you when and where we were, when it happened. They're all located in place and time, the important things.

So I was in my car driving to Wyoming when the King's Code started downloading. On the day that I'd put on my calendar that I was going to start typing it. And it didn't get the memo that my daughter needed me. I was going to weigh. I mean, I'm not in front of my laptop. It just came. It just started coming. And what I was shown was how men and women both are always scanning for strength, searching, hunting for strength, scanning for strength, depending on the brain. And women are scanning for strength that tells me you'd make a good provider, you'd make a good provider, protect her. You could save me from the tiger. You could make sure I don't starve. And, oh, with those

eyelashes, I want to have your babies. I have kids with long eyelashes. So it's cute to watch. You're kind of blushing. That's charming. It's a nice. It's a delightful compliment. So we're scanning, procreate, protect, provider, procreate, protect, provide. And what we don't know is that men are searching, and they're searching for strength. But what they're looking for, depending on the context, and let's talk about mating, men are scanning for complementary strength. Complementary strength. The way one man put it to me was

Tom Brady is not looking for another all-star quarterback. Tom Brady's looking for Jerry Rice. Someone whose strength literally altered the possibilities of his own game. That's what a man's looking for, her wife. That she has complimentary strengths that alter his possibilities.

I'd be so much better off with her. I so should be with her. And, but women don't know that you're doing that. And this horrible thing happens, which is why I'm more on the side of age differences because it can happen less. Not knowing that she's been picked for complementary strengths, then she criticizes him for not being strong the way she is.

What he needs from this person he admires for her complimentary strength is that she's admiring his complementary strengths. This is what I bring. Why do you keep expecting me to bring what you bring? This is what I bring. It'd be like Tom Brady being pissed to Jerry Rice gave that he can't throw a ball. So women will, they'll be picked for complementary strength, not knowing it, and then they'll attack him, they'll criticize him for not being like her. And then instead of seeing his strength and being impressed by it, I mean, it's intoxicating in a good way to be admired by someone who admire.

And it's, but it's like something happened to us. Probably in that vortex that I grew up in a Barbie doll meets feminism. Very, very tough being born in 1960. I mean, you got to get a man, keep a man. try to make him act right, but never need him for anything. Anything he can do, I can do better. Oh, yeah, this was my message. I think it's still the message now.

It is. Yes, you have to have thigh gap and a man, but don't need him for anything. But he's got to make more money than you, because how are you going to be better off with him? which is the other part of the question you're asking, how can women get better at this, is to pay attention to what you need from men that even if you can do it, right? Even if you can do that, would you let them contribute that to you?

And even to go looking for, I gave this assignment to this woman. She's like, I have not. never met a man stronger than me, ever. And she's in our smart singles program. And I was like, okay, here's your assignment. I want you to, for every man you encounter, I want you to have the question of the top of your head, like a treasure hunt. It's all about listening is all a treasure hunt. Most people, the way they listen, they filter out all the treasure. What do I think about that is how most people listen? So I want you to have the question of the top of your head,

how is this man strong? And when you've gotten used to that question and every man you meet you see strength in him in some color of the rainbow, then move on to how is this man stronger than me? Scary. It was so scary for her. She's like, oh, said, yeah, go looking.

How is this man stronger than me? And I said, after you've got that dialed in, then switch the question, how is this man stronger than me? And I like it. If you go looking for that, the whole world of men changes. What you can see, who men are instead of seeing how he's not acting like a woman. And so what's wrong with him and what's wrong with me that he won't treat me the way I clearly deserve to be treated?

Oh, maybe I don't deserve it. Let's work on that. Oh, that's a nightmare. whole other places we could go but um yeah we're we it's a fundamental difference actually in men and women where our brains are wired to find flaws what's the imperfection what's the flaw what needs to be fixed and we think when you're looking at me that when you're looking at us that you're doing that. Women don't know that men are fed by beauty. So men's brains hunt beauty. Sort for beauty. You can find beauty in anyone. It doesn't have to be perfect for you to find beauty. Oh,

that knows those lips. Like it just, who wouldn't want to be fed, right? And especially when, if you're My grandpa, he would say, I'm surrounded by polkritude. I don't know that word. It's an ugly word for beauty. Okay. All right. Pulcritude. The desire of men to feel needed and useful, I think is really interesting.

And it is certainly coming into conflict with a modern environment that is teaching women that men are optional as opposed to mandatory investments in that way. I wonder whether career women who have spent years cultivating masculine energy in their job, but also want to be looked after. make it a difficult situation for the guys because women can behave in a hyper-independent way like you don't need looking after so they get treated as such by men so the very thing that they want is the very thing that they signal they don't need and if men think well you know I've tried to do these things and she didn't really seem that impressed and she's adamant that she's got it herself in any case and she doesn't really need me all that much I'll just stop offering it.

I saw this really fascinating Instagram reel a few months ago that said in a relationship, men start off treating a woman the way they want to be treated and after a while treat the woman the way that they have been treated by her. And this like, I want, I want, I want, but I'm also really trainable. I'm super, super trainable. and after a while this is what I've been crafted into that was what I wanted and this is what it seems like you wanted and yeah this

challenge that women have here of blending a culture that says you should be as independent and reliant as self-reliant as possible with men need to be needed. They need to feel impressive and admired and useful. And you go, well, if I'm just optional, if I'm a ketchup packet on your value meal of life,

that doesn't make me feel very good. Okay, you just said volumes, the place that you started, if a woman has the attitude, what do I need men for? What do I need men for? My assignment is answer that question. Don't ask it, answer it. So what do I need men for? It's another treasure hunt. What do I need men for?

It's a great thing to answer and to look and to actually see there are answers. If I'm not proving I can do everything, what do I need men for? And I've done a lot. lot of informal surveys we used to work I was leading workshops 24 to 26 times a year for 20 years and so I'd end up in mostly all women for a very long time and then co-ad and I'd do these surveys and I'd I'd ask the woman okay so think about how many women that that you know our for you. They're your friends. How many women does it take to make you feel as safe as one man you know is for you? And I've watched them and they're thinking and thinking and thinking

and then they start to shake their heads. There is no number of women that makes a woman feel as safe as one man that she knows is for her. And this is why this thing we were talking about sexual attraction versus charmed and enchanted, if a woman is leading with sexuality and bringing out take energy in men, they're either scary or she's sure she can manipulate them, but she's still not going to feel safe. Where if he's charmed and enchanted by her, which causes a man to care, which is you guys closely guard caring, something else I learned from men, you know it's your biggest expenditure of energy. And it has this paradox, which is another thing I love about

you all. You're the walking resolution of paradoxes all the time. Women think men are simple. Many men say men are simple. No. No. No. You,

not caring can feel like freedom. I don't care. I don't care. I'm free. I'm free. But not caring can turn into, I have no purpose.

My life is shit. It's not for anything. Right? And then men have said, when a woman needs something from me I have a purpose it's just like there's something

really beautiful about it you know and I think of it like this you're making those other words I think of it like this I call it I called this I have providing receiving providing receiving providing receiving in this beautiful

dance if we're allowing for it if we're feeding it and you asked about appreciation Appreciation is It's feeding It's feeding providers And providers are grateful to be received

You let me I asked her one once Why do you do so much for me? He said Because you let me Oh women aren't very good at letting men These days Haven't been for a long time

Letting men provide What is What they're compelled to provide and so there's so much that's cattywampus and but the addictive thing is such tiny changes make such a huge difference and like I was teaching a course in Edmonton Alberta Canada and we had just done that part about how many women make you feel as safe as one man and this and we were we were finishing the workshop and people were sharing from their seats and this young woman took a microphone and she announced to the whole room she said

I am gay so what that means men is it doesn't matter what you do I'm not going to fall in love with you but I want to say that still what she said about one of you making me feel safer than any number of women is true for me And then on the other side, this big man stood up and took the mind from it and said, it'd be fair to call me a redneck. And my daughter's marrying a woman. And they started to cry. But now I know from what that young lady just said that I still have something

to give her. But tears coming down his red face. Oh. Mm. Another way I would put it, Chris, is that femininity is a gift to women from men. that femininity is its own kind of strength, feminine forms of power, its own kind of magic, mystery.

I learned all this from men, by the way. But as long as we're being the warrior, we're the warrior, we're the hunter, we're protecting ourselves, or providing for ourselves, we have no energy left or space left to be feminine. until we let ourselves be protected, until we entrust you,

which involves information women don't impart. Honey, what makes me feel really safe is. Oh. I mean, you said trainable. Decades ago, one of my first interviews by telephone It was like, I was talking about how women have it backwards. What we take personally, we shouldn't. We don't take personally we should.

And the woman said, so like women are dyslexic. They get it backwards. And it just popped out of my mouth. I said, yeah, if we treated men like gods instead of dogs, it would work much better. And then I apologize to a group of men for, I'm so sorry. that if you live with a woman who treats the dog better than you. And there were men, I mean, you could see it on film, like, the faces are just like, you could tell the ones.

And, like, but even, so yeah, men are dogs. They're loyal. They want to bring you stuff. They're always happy to see you. They're so bombed when they think they haven't done good. Okay, where are we going now? It's interesting the direction of the arrow of causation between these two things. So I saw a tweet a while ago.

I'm trying to jumpstart me. Yeah, yeah, I am riling you up. You haven't even had caffeine yet. The direction of causation? Someone who's obsessed with cause and effect? Of course. The direction of causation? So I saw a tweet a while ago that said,

women love to submit, you just have to be him. And I think the suggestion here is that a woman's inability to be submissive or soften up or show needs is because their partner isn't doing something right. And it seems like you've kind of left. both sides open a little bit at the moment, that femininity is a gift from men to women, that that is something that occurs because we were able to protect and provide and make them feel safe, maybe a little bit secure, but mostly safe. But also women's... I'm sorry. As soon as you said, maybe a little bit secure, I was like, oh, yeah, that's what this is

about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a ring on it. Yeah, of course. Then I'm secure. You promised all of your friends. That's a big statistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. that it's men's job, it's their gift, the femininity, I'm showing up, I'm protecting, I'm providing, et cetera, et cetera, but also that the receptivity of women, the preparedness to say, I do need you. I want to need you, I want to be able to open up, I want to soften. I don't think, that tweet got to me a little bit. love to submit you just need to be him because it laid at the feet of men women's unpreparedness it was almost like a like a shit test you heard of shit tests from pickap artistry do you know what

these are okay um so supposedly during the flirtation stage women would sort of throw little sort of naggy jokes around to see how a man would respond it's kind of a test of your self-assuredness okay yeah women maybe do do that in a little bit of a way it's like well poke you a little bit and see how you respond? Are you able to stand up to this sort of a thing? And I get that. And I think that in the flirtation stage, that's an interesting challenge. If you scale that across the rest of time throughout an entire relationship on every different domain that you're trying to relate to your partner in, which is, in order for you to submit, you have to be this never-stopping, unrelenting, completely omnipotent, omnipresent force that is able to blast through. It's up,

women love to submit you just have to be him is exactly the same as saying my shortcomings are your fault my unpreparedness to open up my unpreparedness to be soft or to be gentle or to be submissive that's not a me that's your job to overcome that doesn't sound very collaborative i'm wondering when it comes to the direction of the arrow of causation here how you come to think about that with regards to needing. This episode is brought to you by Whoop. I have been wearing Whoop for over five years now, way before they were a partner on the show.

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slash modern wisdom. There you go. Oh, boy. I want a dictionary. I want to look up the difference to mean submit and surrender. Oh, my gosh. Let me just put, I'll just say this this way. in a certain context, I love to be ordered around. Tell me what to do, I am a happy camper. In a particular context.

Other than that, so submit, to me, submit has an element of putting up with. you're submitting like like i one of things i teach is beware of demanding demanding doesn't work because the other person only has a choice to submit or resist and both will create resentment i think with that uh that is being used in the form of soften up or surrender i think is is probably what that means so you're right to say Do you really mean submit? You mean maybe submissive, as in please take care of me, but not submit as in, okay, I submit.

So I think you're right to call that out. Yeah, so I worry about that, and the hymn part is an impossible ideal. Impossible. Men have a saying that I didn't understand for the longest time. I'm only human. I didn't understand that. I'm only human. And then I realized that women expect men to be omnipotent and omniscient, omnipresent.

Oh, omnipresent. Every time I look at you, you're there. receptive to me looking back. And I realized, oh, that's what women are looking for in men, that you're all powerful, all knowing, all present, and men are going, but I'm only human. Oh, we really do judge men relative to what only God is supposed to be. And where there's a flaw, then, okay, I'm talking about this, but I got to bring in this, okay?

Do you remember very early on I said women trust too much? So I think men are much more discerning about this than women. women want to trust, have a blanket trust. They want to be able to trust you. Period. I trust you. Early on when you said, you trust me, I wanted to say, for what? Right?

Because we just want to blanket trust, which most women mean that if I trust you, that means you're going to meet every expectation. of mine. I can trust you to fulfill my stated and unstated expectations. I trust you to fulfill them even they've never agreed to fulfill them. And that's, so we want to be able to trust you for everything. And if you do one little thing, now I can't trust you for everything. I can't trust you.

So how would I ever surrender? How would I ever give up my autonomy and authority? How would I ever get on the same team and let you call it the play, for gosh sakes? Can you tell I love sports? And it's a great place to study, man. Oh, it's such a great place. So it, so there's actually something people can look up. It's called the trouble with trusting the opposite sex.

And I start with the trouble with trusting, period. and how we want this blanket trust and then there's a blanket violation instead of what I propose, what I assert is you can trust everyone if you pay attention to what you can trust them for. I could trust my husband to eat chocolate every day, no matter what he said otherwise. When he died suddenly and the kids came, and they wanted to clean out his office?

It's been six and a half years. There's still mice finding Hershey's chocolates and leaving the foil behind. And so, but you can, what can I trust him for? And so part of the clarity that men and women both need if they're looking for a mate or a business partner, what do I need to be able to trust somebody for? be able to trust them for, meaning they're trustworthy. They've proven that they're trustworthy for

that in order to have them be that important to me, in order to have my business in their hands, in order to have my life in their hands. What do I need to trust them for? And then find evidence before you commit. People commit way too quickly. The due diligence is like, oh, we have chemistry, and I love him and he makes me feel wonderful and if I scint, you know, yeah, I'm getting everything I need. Let's not look too closely at that. I trust that he will eventually.

Once we get married and I start changing him. So the unreality around all this, it's primarily what we're doomed by. But besides opposing instincts, if we just were aware of opposing, instincts and knew we had to negotiate opposing instincts, it can turn out. But being clueless about that, thinking men are a kind of woman and women are a kind of man, no, it's never going to work out. So this surrender part over here, right, has to do with trust. And what can I

trust you for? And just just being a grown-up. I can't trust you for everything. What do I need to be able to trust you for? What, okay, what do I see that I do trust you for that? And there's evidence. It's based on evidence that I can trust you for that. Okay, cool. Is there anything else that would make a huge difference in my life if I could also trust you for that? And that's the thing to have a conversation about. And what would it look like? What would that look like to be trusted for that? Most women don't trust their husbands to load the dishwasher. Because he's not going to load it like her. He's going to load it so there's clean dishes, acceptably clean

dishes. It's one of the questions men asked me like, well, you're going to close the door and have a party? Is that why everything has to be grouped just right? Okay. Did, oh,

then there's this other part that you brought up, needs. I've studied so long needs. When I first found out I was bringing out the worst in men, right? And went looking. what I was sure of was that many there didn't care what I needed

or they were actively withholding it, like to get me. This was really my behavior of my first marriage, actively withholding. Oh, well, we have our son, who's just like about six months younger than you. And then I found out men do care, really. They care about a woman. They care about what she needs, right? One of the 12 things he thinks he can give her what he thinks she needs. And I thought, okay, cool.

They want us to give her what we need. Oh, big problem. They don't know what we need. They think they know what we need. There's things they think we need, and men will project onto women their own needs. This is how men project orgasms unto women. Please, can I just go to sleep? It's late. I don't need that.

So, okay, so they, men want us to have what we need. They're willing to do what it takes to give us what we need, but we have to tell them what we need. And when I started teaching women that, they're like, but what if I don't know what I need? And then I figured out a way for them to figure out what they need, which is awesome. It's like so logical. Well, first figure out what you want to be. What quality do you want to be? Well, then what do you need in order to naturally be that quality?

It's actually really like magic. You can be anything you want to be. So then I was doing this for years. this woman stopped me on a break and said there's something I need from my boyfriend but he's not giving it to me and I said have you told him she said no

and I said why haven't you told him and she that was a really fun snort that was awesome that was such a great snort I've been practicing. And you were like right there in the microphone. So I said, why haven't you told them what you need?

That's what I've been, I mean, I started teaching women how to tell men what you need in 1995. And men thought it was ridiculous. How could you have a nine-step process? We're simple. And then I walked them through the nine-step process. They validated every part of the process. What would go wrong if they didn't. do that. And you would have encountered it in the Queen's Code chapter six. And so this

woman, when I asked her, why haven't you told them what you need? And she said, because I can't get over what I think about myself for needing that. It's like, what? And it led to this whole study. I called the point of view. I identified six different points of view that men and women have about what it means to need a particular thing in the first place. And that what it means to need something in the first place is what causes this lockdown. Don't tell. Don't tell. And there's, can I Can I show you? You'll take your imagination. So imagine a spectrum.

And on this end of the spectrum, having a need is weak and pathetic. And then moving this way, it might be selfish and self-centered. Or next door would be it's unevolved and immature. or a grown-up wouldn't need that. A transformed person wouldn't need that, right? And then it gets to justify it and reasonable. Yeah, I could see why I would need that. That's reasonable.

And then there's bothersome and annoying. Ugh. And this is here for a reason. And the end is entitled and deserved. I deserve that from you, right? And I was thinking about this before you arrived. I was thinking, entitled. Entitled is a perfect word.

I'm entitled because of my title. You owe me that. I am your girlfriend. You owe me that. I just did a course on how, even when they agree that you deserve it, it doesn't make it happen. but we think that if I think I deserve it and you think I deserve it

and now it's going to happen. So what we saw and it was so fun because you were talking about songs earlier Alanis contributed to this since you was part of the weekend where I was distinguishing it with a bunch of people

and that basically what happens is wherever you are mostly live in regards to your needs something has to work its way all the way over justified and reasonable might be expressed because that's an okay thing to need but most things have to work all the way over to i'm now convinced i deserve this and i've earned it and you owe me and i'm going to demand it and so there are a lot of needs that

don't make the whole trip and so they never get told they never get asked for they might they might break the surface, like the tip over there in a complaint, but a complaint is not an ask. Are you with me so far? Mm-hmm. So then surveying groups of women and then later on surveying all classrooms of men, most women will fall in their needs are justified and reasonable or entitled and deserved. The few that are bothersome and annoying They just ignore it, ignore it, ignore it

But then when they're dead in a ditch They're pissed at the people who should have forcing debt I mean, it's really, really interesting dynamic There's a lot of high performers here And then a lot of high performers here Because they got to keep earning what they need, right? So then asking men, like, because we do this whole thing for them to figure out and find out themselves

and we got a whole grade of what they say and all that stuff about half the men ended up in their primary reaction to having a need is that it's weak and pathetic they just don't need

y'all are like Superman who's have you ever seen a Superman movie where he ate no no slept

No. No. No. You guys think you should be able to do anything and everything without sleeping, without eating, without being appreciated, without having enough sex, without... Right? And so needing anything, it means you're weak and pathetic, and don't dare. The warrior's never going to reveal a weakness. Never, ever.

It'll be used against you. You guys are... another thing women are pissed at you about, you won't reveal yourself. Well, of course you won't reveal yourself. It'll be used against you. You're built to not reveal anything that can be used against you, which is why men talk about what doesn't matter to them. There's a nobility in stifling desires. I think that's how men see it. Maybe not desires is quite the right word, but there's certainly a nobility in suppressing what you need. Yeah, it could be thought that. That it's nobility, but if you just confront getting it out of your mouth, you'll see the fear.

Like, no. Don't say that. I'll be used against you. And it's one of the things women want men to open up, but we always use it against you. How? You're trainable. We'll teach you to not open up. How do women teach men not to open up?

Well, there's several ways. One is that you tell me a truth about you, and it's, oh, it's so yummy. Oh, he told me something really special about him. Who can I tell? So for a woman that an admirable man, a strong man, a cool man, revealed something to me, makes me important status, heard instinct. but it's only worth something if I can tell someone else and hash it in. Yes.

So you'll reveal to us and we'll reveal to them. It's a betrayal from a man's point of you. That's a betrayal. But you'll find out that we did it because it'll come back around. The end with revealing intimate information. The other thing we'll do is we'll use it against you. So I used to be really cautious in 1995 when he started a workshop It was called Celebrating Men Satisfying Women

And I called it that to To offend people who weren't up for it I imagine he did Yeah to just turn them away celebrating men They're pigs, their dogs, they're fill in the blank But every once in a while I wouldn't be like You can do that I want to do that.

Right? And they, okay, come on in. It was limited to 12 women. They were so scary at the time. So I was really careful for a long time. And then as I practiced natural horsemanship and learned how to hold my space, and then I started poking the bear. So I did a teleclass called using anger to get what you need.

Because I wanted to attract all the women who used anger to get what you need were wanted to use anger to get you need is a rent pull it doesn't work and but I brought them in so I could pull the rank well then I did a webinar called why men can't be trusted to tell the truth yeah why can't they be trusted to tell the truth and some of my graduates were just incensed Allison Armstrong said this about men So he sent out an email to all the men. And the subject line was, we still have your back. And I told them about the webinar and that the subtitle of the webinar could be how women teach honest men, it's not worth it. And because what will happen is a man will tell the truth. And he'll tell a truth that's been true for him, maybe for as long as he can remember.

for as long as they can remember. Or it may be a newer truth. It's only been the last couple of years or the last few months. But it's the truth. And he tells it to her. And she's upset about that. You shouldn't think that. You shouldn't feel that way.

No, that's wrong. And because of how women are wired, where to be upset is to be displeased. Oh, don't have anybody yet set. So women believe, I'm just sure of it. Chris, they're positive. They're sure that if you know how upset I am about what you just told me is true for you, you will change your truth.

That you will, just like I would have. You will change your truth. No, men are smarter than that. There was no problem with that truth until it came out of their mouth until they told her. It was fine as long as it wasn't said. So this is how men are literally taught, trained, as he said, to not tell the truth. She doesn't need to know that. She doesn't need to know that.

She doesn't need to know that. But women cause that. And another thing I recorded called Why Men Lie, Why Women Lie. And, you know, I like to drill down, drill down, drill down, and basic survival instincts for all species, fight, flight, trees, you have reactions. And I discovered there's fight line, there's freeze line, there's flight line, there's flight line, I got to go. And, but as I drilled down into it, and my kids were, had been young, children lie, horses like, dogs lie. I've seen it in all of them.

And, and I realized that lying is a basic survival reaction. It's just fundamental to survival. Just lie. Buff yourself up, look at that bigger. then, right, or I'm not here, I'm not here, right? All these things. And, but once I saw

once I saw that wine is completely natural and truth is my second highest value. So if wine is normal and not an aberration how do you get honesty?

You have to celebrate it. So like in my company, I have to fired people for lying about lying. The problem wasn't that they lied. It was that then they lied about lying. And I had people, employees say, I lied to you. Really?

What about? And then they tell me, oh, thank you so much for telling me. What did you lie about that? Oh, is there something you need me to do different? Do something you need for me? Like, if you want the truth, you've got to celebrate the truth. And if you don't like the truth, or the way I would say is a man's got to get more points for telling the truth than he loses by what the truth is. Way more points.

I love you, admire you, and adore you. for telling me the truth. I'll get over from the hurt feelings. Just give me a bit. But thank you. Thank you for that. Oh, you're welcome. Huh.

We keep doing this a while? Can I tell you a funny story? We hadn't been together for very long. Dan and I, it would be five years in a couple months, but we were very new to each other. And he knew truth is one of my highest values. Freedom is number one, which freedom and control. And I'm a freedom fighter.

I want to set you free. That thing we were talking about before. Strategy, strategy is a cage. So the So we were getting naked And I said And I realized I was self-conscious Which is that's the last thing I want to be naked

Is self-conscious And I said I just got to tell you I'm I'm feeling I'm feeling a little chubby And so I'm self-conscious And he said He said you're not chubby

and then like about three seconds later he goes well you're a little chubby but it's all good and I turned around and I like looked at him I was crawling over him into the bed and I turned and looked at him and he goes I remember truth is one of your love languages be careful what you wish for but I'd never been so tickled to be called chubby which I've been called since I was a little girl Thank you for checking That was funny That was funny That was awesome

Isn't it great Just to be real Just to be out loud It's so awesome So yeah So that was like the happiest time I'd ever been called Chubby Because he was just being truthful And Dan's superpower, which I didn't even know could be a superpower, is acceptance.

He's like, he's a genius at acceptance. He's like, yes, I'm perfectly imperfect. So are you. We all are. Perfectly and perfect. Oh, thank you. And it's, by the way, the difference in how men and women get married. When you guys decide she's the right person,

It doesn't mean you think she's flawless. There even could be things that would be, that'd be nice if that went away. But when you choose, you buy the whole package. She is what she is and she isn't what she isn't. It just seems logical, factual. That's not what women do. So you commit, when you guys commit, you commit all the time.

Just like the whole thing, the whole picture. the whole package, just scoop it up, and we can feel it. And I've, and women are like, where's the ring? Where's the ring? Give me the ring. And like, you guys, once there's a ring on that finger, he's going to be married. And he's going to start acting like a husband. And he's going to think he has a right to have veto power over dangerous things that you want to do.

Where it's physically danger or a man who got engaged recently, I said, uh-oh, you're married. He was all happy. We got engaged. He said, does she know you're married? It was what do you mean? I said, you're all in. You're already married. The ceremony is just like for friends and family. And he's like, oh, and I said, are you more protective? Do you seem controlling? Has she accused you of being controlling? Yes. She's an actress. And she told me about a job she was offered. And I said, can't do that movie. And she looked at me like, I was, what? And it had been the most natural thing for him to do is protecting her career, her reputation, who she's becoming.

No, you can't do that movie. And she was just like, who the hell are you that you can tell me what to do? Doing my job, I'm your husband. He didn't say that, but that's what he thought. Women commit one acceptance at a time. One acceptance. I know women who had a wedding 30 years ago and they've hardly accepted anything.

They've been trying to change him for 30 years. They're not actually married. Women don't understand how men be married. We're a team now. It's us. We're a team. We're a team about everything, aren't we? You don't do that right.

You can't be on my team. It breaks my heart. I'm interested in the role of emasculation here. You mentioned it a couple of times. Yes. Kind of a, I don't hear much outside of your work. I wonder whether it appears in different ways. I wonder whether people, men, use other words instead of it,

to explain how they feel when what they mean is, I feel emasculated. But I'm interested in what your definition of it is and why it's so important. Um, I was asked, six months into studying men, I was asked to stop castrating men.

A harsh word. I did change my life forever but I looked it up in the dictionary and it says to deprive of virility And then I looked up and it had a synonym, a masculate And

and over the years, right, since 1990, Um, emasculation, the idea of emasculation, it got captured. His name is Tomer, and we were talking about feeling bad, that women don't want to make men feel bad. And especially my graduates, they don't want to make men feel bad because they've given, up the right to amasculate men. So they don't want to tell their man something they need because if you can't do it, he may feel bad.

And Tomer said, feeling bad does not amasculate me. He said, when you diminish my ability to produce results, you have emasculated me. And that sent me on a whole other trajectory of productivity versus connectivity, which goes back to that security through productivity, safety through connectivity. So you could call it the masculine and feminine if you wanted to,

but so many women spend more time in a hunting, committed, goal-producing, committed state of mind, that those terms have got they were hard to deal with in the 90s so much baggage to unpack but

if you're finding security through productivity male or female doesn't matter if you're feel safe through connectivity which comes with an open state of mind which estrogen naturally creates in the brain

so to diminish someone's ability to produce results as a man it can be anything from being taken down a notch the wind's out of your sails the plug was literally pulled out of the wall and you, oh, everything shuts down.

What are some of the ways that women emasculate men that's what are the most common ways that they do at all and or some of the ways that they do it and they might not notice? Can I expand it a little bit? Because what we figured out after a long time was everybody does it to everybody. Women emasculate men, women emasculate women, women emasculate themselves. Men naturally emasculate men. It's part of war. whether it's war in the boardroom right or it's part of business it's part of the workplace to compete and diminish and it can be honorable or dishonorable um so so what we saw is everything women do to men we do to ourselves and um in the case of what we were

talking about not telling a man what we need because we thought it would hurt his feelings, and Tomer is saying that doesn't hurt my feelings. One of the ways that we diminish the men in our lives' ability to produce results is we withhold quality information. We don't speak up about what really matters to us. We don't expose ourselves that way. We don't say it. This is why authenticity is so valued, so charming. And the way one man put it, it was a head turner. And you would have heard it in the Queen's Code, a strong woman voluntarily vulnerable. So she's clearly capable, and yet she's admitting a need. It's breathtaking, especially if what she needs he can give her. And he knows he can give her. And she'll entrust him to give it, and she'll

she'll think it's worth a thousand points oh my gosh I needed that so badly so that dynamic right can get really beautiful

but when we don't want to reveal a need because we think it's unattractive if I need something that I'm not perfect

and I'll be unattractive and less pleasing to you and then you won't save me and I'll die you won't choose

me So it's just not speaking up about what we need is emasculating. Give me some more. This is a hard one, and I apologized for it earlier. We interrupt. So we'll ask a man a question, for example, and then he doesn't answer fast enough. So we'll interrupt his thinking, and he still doesn't answer. We'll rephrase.

and then we'll interrupt him again, right? Give him options because he's too stupid for an open question. We think this stuff. But we also, we don't understand that my husband helped me understand this. In studying natural horsemanship, Buck Branaman was talking about how horses are seeking peace. and I was thinking about how much men have talked to me about peace yeah we're warriors and what do we crave peace

what do we want most when we walk through the door peace and so I asked Greg so when you accomplish what you're focused on then do you experience peace and he would look at me in this It was the sweetest way. He'd just be kind of like, like when I was going, good.

Honey, the hierarchy of instinct. So is it protect, then provide them procreate? Is it provide, then procreate, then protect? Is it? And he's looking at me and like him and goes, keep going. And then I went, no. It's procreate, then protect, then provide. And you just smiled at me.

So then I asked other men, they're like, yeah, of course. You create it, then you protect it. You have an invention, you patent it. Like, it's the most natural thing to do. But there's a hierarchy when trumps the other. This is why masculation's important, because women want men to be in provide mode. But when we criticize, which is a form of emasculation, a man will retract from providing to protect.

And if it's a direct attack, like on your character, you're just like your fill in the blink, your father, you're right, now he's protecting himself. And that's what brings out the worst in meant when they're protecting themselves because it overrides their compelling desire to protect others.

They're the smallest version of themselves and they're protecting themselves. And they could shut down, right? They could withdraw or they could attack. And

women cause men to attack. And then we think that's who men are. Women cause men to withdraw. And we think, you ghosted me. Right? We have all these accusations after we've caused it by doing something like ignoring,

for example, walking by a man day after day as if he's not even worth acknowledging his existence. Women do that a lot. But interrupting, this business of interrupting, when I asked Greg, I'm like, so do you get peace from accomplishing what you're focused on? And he gave me that look. It said,

single focus is peace. Wait a second. This state of mind where it committed to one thing in your brain is screening out everything it considers irrelevant. Single focus is peace. Your brains are designed to give you peace. You commit to something it screens out everything it considers relevant. It doesn't usually ask your opinion about, do you think it's irrelevant?

Men's wives' voices are relevant. But when I got it, like, oh, focus is a state of peace. So he's being productive. So he's secure. He's being productive. We're getting it done. We identified the problem. That's productivity, right?

Even just identifying a problem is productivity. And then she's interrupting him because she wants to connect. She can feel that he's gone. There's no connection. Honey, I'm going to the grocery store. What? And so now she's Uber disconnected and freaked out and thinks he's, but she doesn't know she interrupted his productivity and his peace.

blew it up, ran the train off the track. She doesn't know if she did that and he's reacting to that. So we interrupt. It's one of the biggest things I've been teaching women. Count to 30. Wait. Count to 30 again. Wait.

But estrogen creates a brain that's in a constant state of interruption. We're monitoring so many things at the same time. It doesn't... We don't really understand interruption until we get older. Our hormones change. We get focused. I actually had to tell my daughter, I've changed. I'm not ignoring you.

I'm just focused. She thought I was ignoring her. I was turning 50. She was 15. She thought I was ignoring her. No, my brain was just rewiring, getting focused. Are there any other big emasculation? Oh, golly.

Let's see. Monk's the withholding. So we withhold quality information. We withhold attention. We with even bad attention. A man will seek bad attention is better than no attention. Ponytails in the ink wells, you know, goes away back. Affection, admiration. It's a whole lot of A's. Accountability. We'll let you be helpful,

but we won't entrust you with accountability. You help me with my plan. Don't you dare have one of your own. It's a whole area. It's a whole area to shift how we interact. Um, I call these the green emasculation because they're low energy, just what you don't do, holding back, refraining from. Um, uh, the C's, we criticize, we compare, we complain. Even we have so-called compliments. Oh, a gentleman. Finally, you're so rare. Okay, you just insulted my whole gender, but I'm supposed to feel good about that, right?

So we, um, let me see, I just was going through this a few weeks ago with my students. Let me see the board. Oh, there's the worst one. Be a better man. There are women who walk around sure that they are the best men they've ever met. What do I need to? you for. I am a better man than everyone of you. I'm more everything than you.

It's brutal. They could take out a whole room just walking in what I need you buggers for. I was up. We withhold sex. Some women with hold food. Just watch him power down. Don't feed him. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, brutal. Can I tell you something sweet? There was a woman who did the Celebrity Men's Sassan Women Workshop when she was 86. And she came back to the second day of the workshop and she'd given up. the right to emasculate men forever. And she came to the second day and she said, I've been withholding sex from my husband, but not anymore.

And then he died a year later. And I asked her son, who's a dear, dear friend of mine, I said, how's your mom doing? He said, she's doing great. She knows she gave him the best last year of his life that she could. I was like, oh, that's amazing. What's even cooler, 91? She got remarried.

Jeez. That's super sweet. Aye, aye, aye. Can I tell you a part? So how we amasculate is here in the middle, like in terms of time causation. So over here is what triggers us to amasculate. And everything I've seen that triggers us to amasculate, which one is one of the first things I had to learn after I gave it up, you could boil it down to fear and frustration, if you wanted to

simplify. Fear and frustration trigger emasculation. And then there's how we emasculate. And then this piece, which I've referred to what we do about it, this is the thing that if you take it out, these can fall apart. And what it is is it's how we justify diminishing men. How we justify stealing your power, taking your feet up from underneath you. How do we justify it? So one of the things I've interacted with women for a really long time, 30 years or more, even before we started workshop. We called it the transformation of the castation club. Talked to women one

on one about what triggered them, what they did and then why men deserved it. And they have all these different reasons why men deserve to be diminished. And it goes back to fear and frustration, but things like

well, they abuse power or they can't be trusted or they don't do right. My mother's was they're stupid. And what was interesting is as I would see the justification, I could see the flip side of it. Like my friend who her justification was they have too much power and they abuse it. It was like, oh, because you think that and therefore you diminish them, they can't ever use them.

power for you. And she got it. She's the co-founder of her company. She got it in her bones. And she shifted so fast. She's my best student ever.

So my mother, who was just determined that men are stupid, my father was a genius. My step, Father number one, really intelligent man. Stepfather number two, intelligent in a different way. Stepfather number three, intelligent. She really went through it.

In a different way. Great modeling. She could never avail themselves of their intelligence, their unique intelligence, because she was looking for them to be intelligent the way she was. And since they weren't intelligent the way she was, they were stupid. So this complementary strength thing that Never have anything be good enough

never be satisfied be unhappy on principle there are women who think if you if they never give up the happy you'll keep trying harder they've got it backwards. You go up the happy. He wants to know how much happier

are you can make you. Well, if that made her happy, what about this? You don't know that. You mentioned at the start right at the top that pleasing men is pretty low down on the triaged hierarchy

of what men care about being pleased. What's high- What should women focus on? Well, I mentioned some of them. Being taken care of. It's stunning to men. Like, so while you're looking out after me,

I mean, how much more productive, productive can a man be if he's being taken care of him? When I left home to come be with you, I cooked a bunch of food to bring with me because I eat very particularly and I cooked a bunch of food for Dan so he can eat very particularly and he just

it's like he just loves it when my grandson was born I was gone for a month and I made his favorite cake. It's called Jack ginger apple cake and he was coming over This is when I lived in his backyard, and he would come over once a week to water my plants while I was gone.

And I left him with a ginger apple cake, and I didn't tell him that in each of the three drawers in my freezer, there was another ginger apple cake. So here you can water my plants. I ordered your plants. Oh, thank you. In the bottom drawer, there's something for you. Yeah. And I said, which drawer? And he goes, did you already forget?

But I want to make sure he looked in the bottom drawer because I didn't want him to find the aloo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Although now that I think about it, whichever when he opened, he would think that was the only one, right? Duh. Yeah. So. Take care of.

Yeah, it's just like to take care of him. Uh-huh. And it's different for a different man. Like, you got to ask, what would take care of you? and a man might say it would support me if right so they're it's interesting i ask how do you feel supported men say i feel appreciated when when i say how do you like to be supported how do you like to be appreciated well i feel supported when so taking care of support and appreciation they all live in the same right what you appreciate you take care of what you appreciate you support you support

like they all live in the same domain and they're they're priceless in terms of quality of life and in a in a partner that they'll take care of you and they'll support you they'll you know sunday was my birthday and happy birthday thank you 65 It's crazy, beat 65. I feel invincible. You look invincible. You do. Thank you.

So, you know, it's my birthday. It's special. It's by 65th. We got to do something really special. We did do something really special. He went to Father's Weekend at C.U. Boulder with his son, who's a senior. He was there for all the frat stuff.

and C. Boulder to beat Iowa. And I had three days home alone. It was heaven. It was so awesome. It was one of my best birthdays. But for me to support him, like something women don't know to listen for, like when they're sorting for a relationship, is what matters to him, what matters to him.

Just keep thinking that. He's talking. What's important to him? What matters to him? What does he care about? We call it listening to learn. And so it was obvious to me after the first three hours I talked to Dan on the phone before we ever met, the most important thing to him in his life is his children. Okay, I got it. I was glad. So many women, like women in your age group, they want to be a man's first priority. Tell them, it's a huge mistake. Men's capacities are enormous. If he makes you his first priority, he will drive you nuts. That's interesting. Dig into that for me.

Why would a man who makes a woman his first priority drive the woman insane? Because you guys, you got so much to give. You have such capacities for productivity, for getting things done, for creativity. Like, y'all, are amazing. And if that's all focused on me, I don't need enough to occupy you. I, I need enough

that you could really help me probably every day, several times a day, in different ways. But to be the focus of all that attention, all that mind power, all that umph, it would be a masculating to you, and it would feel needy and controlling and icky to me. So just as a man is looking for a woman who has a passion that feeds her, that she can bring to a relationship, you've got to have a purpose. You've got to have something you're up to. That's hot what you're up to. You ever read Dr. Robert Glover's book? No more Mr. Nice Guy. I've never read it, but he interviewed me about three months ago.

Oh, cool. Yeah. I like Robert. Did he teach you the three things that make an attractive man? Did he give you that one? No, he... I feel like there's a story here. What went on?

Well, the interview, which is on the internet, was for the men that he coaches. And he has a whole team. And he was adorable because in the interview, he talks a lot. And after it was all done, everybody was gone and we were in a room with a group. And the group were saying their favorite things that they learned. And at the end of it, what Robert said was, I learned when Alison Armstrong's talking, I should shut up. And it was just so sweet that it caught it, right?

It was really, really sweet. So, um... The three essences of an attractive man. What are they? A man who is comfortable in his own skin. Yep. Knows where he's going. Yep.

And he's having fun while he's going there. Oh, my gosh. Yes, yes, yes. That's bringing back so many things. My husband was not. comfortable in his own skin. He felt trapped in a human body. It was too heavy. It was too slow. It was just a burden. So I drove fast, roadmated motorcycles were really fast. He was so happy. But when he died, which he did suddenly, I felt his exhilaration. He was

free. He was, he was, he was free of this thing that had just been too heavy and too slow his whole life. I could hear Mike going, he was incredible. It made it really hard to grieve in a normal way to know what that was like for him. How interesting. I had a conversation with, uh, my coach called Joe Hudson. I had a conversation with him. I had a conversation with them the other day. And I was talking about trepidation. And he asked me this question. He said, how much of its fear and how much of its excitement?

And I was like, oh, you motherfucker. I really, really try and, like, sit with it. Yeah. Like the first 50% of the outside of the gobstopper is fear. The core of its excitement. it's really messy it's trite to do the whole you're not nervous, you're excited

thing I think it's a little trite just that it's yeah cool like these two things can a slight different perspective you finish your workout

you're on the floor in a sweat angel panting and you've got the taste of metal in the back of your throat and your heart and breathing heavily and it's exciting that happens spontaneously in traffic

you call an ambulance Okay, the same sensation. Okay, so our framing around the present moment largely determines our experience of it, like, whatever. But that one around fear I'd never heard before, and I've been working with fear a lot, especially the last month or so. And I found it,

I found it really interesting. I've been it really interesting to think about when you're telling that story about Greg. And there's less cleanness around the grief that's cleanness available i'm sad that he's gone and he was sad that he was going but also he was in some ways maybe glad that he was going and i'm glad that he was glad that he was going but he's sad that he went and i'm sad that he's gone and oh here we go like this is a big complex not to try and cut through yeah no grief is extraordinarily complex um

And has so many gifts. May I say something about the fear and excitement? Absolutely. So one of the things I've found useful is the awareness of having two nervous systems. That we literally have two nervous systems. They call them the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous systems. And excitement and fear and anger, I would call those all emotions. And that how you can tell, and someone, I wish I could credit them, defined emotion as energy and motion.

So if you think about fear, fear moves in the body. it zings around chemistry zings around excitement zings around what if those are all sympathetic nervous system responses they're all in response to the perception of a threat or an opportunity and opportunities are can go either way they can cause you to live or die right it could it could be a fake or you cannot be up to it. So opportunities quickly become threats to the nervous system, right? So if you distinguish that from a feeling

and feelings have locations. Feelings have a place. Yeah, you have a place right there. Now, it's interesting where you put your hand because that's that's your diaphragm right there right yeah well if we were going to talk chakras what i'm not fluent in i'm not even a novice in chakras but right there right there would be your the chakra of yourself who who you are and and somewhere near there maybe a little lower, you would find it, would be the place that both men, it's going to be

a little higher, that men and women feel shame. Not when we've been shamed. When we're, between me and me, I, someone was harmed, even if I harmed myself, by failing to be or do what I most value being and doing. so it's one of the few feelings that men and women have in the same place which I find fascinating because so many of our feelings are not in the same place and women don't know this so when they ask a man so how do you feel about that we think you should just look right here which is where we would look and you know how you felt about it but

Do you ever notice a woman said, you hurt my feelings? Huh. She doesn't say you hurt my feeling. You hurt my feelings. Because, like, we have a stack of pancakes right here. So many feelings that all, like, it's like a condo complex. They're all on different floors, but they're right here. And I started paying attention to men, and where are these feelings?

And, and this goes back to the emasculation, which is, oh, it's so sad. So I started asking men, where do you feel happiness? They couldn't answer. Men pay attention to women being happy. They don't pay attention to themselves being happy. They just are when they are. And you were talking about fun, right? to have a, be at home in your skin.

Comfortably in your skin, no way you're going. No way you're going. It has fun. It has fun. Yes. So having fun, men at play, men at play is when we fall in love with you. You're having fun, you're open. You have an open state of mind. And we just like, just fall madly in love with you. But if you're having fun, you're open. You're open state of mind. And we just fall madly in love with you. But if you're always that way, then you're not strong enough to save me from the tiger, right? So if you don't know where you're going and then via play doing it, we need both, right? And so back to the feeling thing.

So I asked men, where do you feel happiness? And they couldn't answer. So I started, do you ever review videos in your head? like you have memories and you can go through the video and I can take a video from 30 years ago and rewatch it and learn something that's what was happening there right so I just was replaying videos and then I got it that where you guys experience happiness which you usually conceal that you're feeling happiness because it could be used against you is right here and there's this thickening of the neck and this of this and there's a swell right here in the chest

when you guys feel happy and if a man and if someone that you admire expresses admiration for you that will cause a feeling of happiness here and but since warriors conceal you can tell that it really affected them because they'll go something like this you have to watch so closely like oh that mattered to him and it's hard because women will go on and on about what mattered to them right so we expect you to go on and on oh that was such a great acknowledgement thank you so much it just made me feel like a million bucks no there's just going to be this subtle thing but it broke my heart when I found out about it the problem is where you guys feel happiness is also where you experience power. Your shoulders and your

arms, this is the strongest part of your body. This is why when you guys pick something up, you lift it up. It's weak here. The pelvis is weak in men. It's the women's strongest part. We'll pick something up and we'll carry it like this because it's our strongest part. It's a good thing my pregnancy works, right? You guys, I know this from cutting logs in the woods of Colorado and then the guys would chainsawed and we would move them onto the truck but no my girlfriend and I we would roll them on the ground or we would clear the pathway and the men are like why are you clearing the pathway because they just lift something up and then they just step over what was in the path and so I was paying attention all this but anyhow

so power shows up here happiness shows up here happiness and power and power work go together. But what are women terrified of? Power. Yes. Men feeling powerful is scary as hell. So guess when women emasculate men? When they feel happy?

When you're happy? When you've had a victory? When you feel empowered. Off with his legs. We attack. It's terrifying. find us. There's a really interesting idea from evolutionary psychology that you might be familiar

with, two types of relationships that are caused or mediated by an imbalance in mate value, typically. An imbalance in mate value. Okay. Yep. How I see your value, how I see my own, and how those two relate to each other. It's not necessarily how it is, something usually sometimes is. Anyway, cost affording, benefit affording, cost inflicting.

So two types of mating strategies. Benefit affording, I will get, I will cause our connection to deepen by doing more, by making you feel great, by good look at it through prestige as one of the ways that you have this, and I'm continuing to afford these benefits to you. But if there's too much of a disparity, this can flip, and it flips into cost-inflicting. And this is, well, no one's ever going to want you. It's cutting you off from seeing your friends.

It's passive-aggressive comments. And this is done when the fear is that delta in mate value is so great that I need to pull the one that appears too high down. And I can do this by little jibs and jabs and withholding love, attention, not making the effort that I know that I could do if I wanted to. And this will just erode away perhaps at your own self-image sufficiently for you to come back down into the same solar system of mate value that I perceived myself to be in. And it made me think about that.

It made me think about benefit-affording and cost-inflicting mating strategies. Doesn't sound lovely. Look, we are a fascinating creature when it comes to the way that our mating systems work because everything is so predicated on status, male parental uncertainty and male parental investment are probably in the animal kingdom we probably

have the greatest of the two there's probably no other creature on the planet that has more male parental investment in fact there i don't there can't be there's no other animal which comes out as neotenous and useless it's a blob that can't look after itself at all for 10 12 14 years something like that um so you need fathers around but also women have concealed ovulation and we're monogamish but very clever and we can

monogamish and we can be devious and no woman has ever given birth to a child that they're not sure was theirs but every man has looked at their partner giving birth and had in the back of their mind a hope that it is theirs until only 50 years ago or something

have we actually been able to do the test to be able to verify that and when you combine all this together, you have a fascinating dynamic that is I really can't afford to invest my efforts, women the same way, for different reasons, but for men, I really can't afford to invest my efforts into someone who might not be as invested in me as I need them to be. And I can get them to continue that investment and connection and love and dedication through showing how valuable I am and how much better we can be together,

why would I ever look anywhere else? Like how phenomenal the thing is that I have at home. On the flip side, why would I ever look anywhere else? Nobody else would want me, right? That's the benefit, affording, cost-inflicting. Interesting. At least ten things would come to mind,

but one thing you might get a kick out of is um there there's this at least one study that showed and it if you ever take baby pictures and like high school graduation album and you compare them you usually can't match them because for the first year of life babies look like they're dead most people say they look like their dad, about 80% of his family will say they look like their dad, and they actually do look like their dad. And the point of looking like their dad is, I'm yours. Wow, you think that's a reliable... So are you suggesting that human babies have evolved to look more like their father because that is going to increase male parental

investment due to less uncertainty around whether or not the child says? Absolutely. That is so cool. I've never heard that. Absolutely. That is so cool. But then what happens is over time, they start looking more and more like their moms. And it's a characteristic actually in herd animals where, like, you know, the difference

between donkeys and mules and horses. So donkeys are the most masculine, you would say, in the equine world. They're logical. They, you can't train them by the use of fear. They're pound for pounds, the strongest large animal. I had a donkey. Immovable. And if it didn't make sense, there's no way he's going to do it.

it, also extremely sensitive. So to train them, you have to be super perceptive to everything. Horses, more on the feminine side, easily controlled through fear, easily controlled through the desire to be pleasing. You can train them through that. You're not going to get the best in them that way, but you can train them through it. So, mules are a cross between a male donkey and a female horse. A hinnie is a male horse and a female donkey. Hinnies are not desirable. Nobody wants a hinnie. Why would I want a hennie? Because the beauty comes from the female. this is not just horses beauty comes from the female and so the mule has the beauty of the female that attractive face and the ears aren't too big and all that stuff and the grace in the body

but ends up with the intelligence and the sensitivity of the donkey and it's a natural thing for men to look for beauty and a mate because there's a primal knowing that the beauty in her is what my children are going to end up with, and it will be an advantage to them. Beauty is a currency in human cultures, for sure. So, yeah, so babies look like their dads. I wasn't aware. And then their faces change, and they don't look like the dad's so much anymore.

I don't know how human mothers and fathers contribute differently to looks. That would be an interesting one. I do know that there is something called the sexy son hypothesis, which is an additional benefit that attractive men have when being assessed by women. Not only is this man attractive, which is symmetrical face, good immune system, genetic profile seems to be sort of relatively all there, has been able to look after himself, hasn't incurred any great injuries, blah, blah, blah. But also, he's good-looking.

I'm attracted to him. That means if I have a son with him, the son will be good-looking. Interesting. Steve Stewart Williams refers to humans as grandchildren optimizing machines. It's really cool. It's the start of his book, The Apo Understudy universe. He goes through all of these things. He imagines an alien looking down on earth.

And what is it that humans are doing? And he says, is it this? No, is it this? No. He's sort of building on it each time. He's said, well, maybe they're children optimizing machines. And it's like, well, no, they're not. There's a really interesting, really interesting study done about Charles Darwin. Darwin, I think, ended up having 12 kids, something like that.

Not all of them survived. And some, you know, still Victorian England, maybe one or two died in infancy, childbirth, perhaps. But the one that was most painful was the one that died around about age 11. And this seems to be reflected in studies. And the reason that's put forward, the evolutionary logic reason for this, is you're a grandchildren optimizing machine. And your child was just about to get to the stage when they could have become a mother or father. Right.

And you lost them at that point. Right. So maybe there's lots of things You've had enough time to attach to them You've fallen more deeply in love There are all of these memories that you've got So on and so forth They still had all of their life ahead of them

And yet you'd spend enough time to be able to blah blah blah blah blah All of that's lovely And those are the proximate reasons But the ultimate reason And why, why that moment Why did that one hurt so much The grandchild optimizing machine Was just about to be able to start producing grandchildren

And I thought that was really that's cool yeah I can see that at any age that a child dies if they haven't reproduced yet yeah I'm an only child so I've got a lot of pressure on me oh

very fortunate my mom's not ringing me that much not yet yeah take care of Christopher one of the things you mentioned earlier on was that men play for points yes What earns the most points?

What earns the most points with a woman or what counts as the most points to a man? What counts as the most points to a man? Happy. Happy is the bullseye. It's a spiritual quality, it's transformative, makes life easier. The same happy wife, happy life, it's victory on so many levels. Like, for a man to be successful at what he does, and his wife is obviously happy, with him

he's a rock star so I've worked so I've worked so long with women on about happiness how to what does it take to make them happy and

and teaching men that it probably at least 90 to 95 percent of what it takes for a woman to be made happy is up to her. What's that mean? Do you like geometry? So, so picture, picture this. Okay?

So we've got the vertical axis, the horizontal axis. So imagine the vertical axis. access has to do with having what you need. A real need has a big payoff when you get it and a big loss when you don't. So like sleep is a perfect example of a verified need, right? So if this is about your needs being met, actually it's this one that's about your needs being met, this would be the enough line.

The vertical would be the enough line. Horizontal is your needs met. So on this side, you're in the negative. You're in a deficit of food, sex, sleep, accomplishment, even, right? This side, right here you're right at zero zero, a little over the edge, you're barely enough. Over here, the more you've got, you've got like a buffer pantry. It's in the bank, right? so you can have extra sleep and then have not enough sleep and you're still fine, right?

So at the intersection here, down here, is not enough of what you need and you're not doing anything that makes you happy that's fulfilling. Up here, you don't have enough of what you need, but you keep. trying to make yourself happy on top of not having enough what you need. You can't get happy. Over here, you have more than enough of what you need, but you're not engaged in what fulfills you. You're just getting what you need. This quadrant up here is where you have more than enough of what you need, and you're engaged in the things that make you happy. This is the only quadrant in which you can actually experience happiness.

So if a woman doesn't feel safe, which is feeling safe is something she needs. If she doesn't feel safe, she literally can't feel happiness. She can't experience it. It's a different nervous system. She's stuck. She's stuck in fear. She's stuck in the sympathetic nervous system. She's stuck in emotion, energy and energy emotion.

She can't be in the feelings. Happiness is this huge feeling for women in the middle of our chest. It's like a direct connection to the eternal that we fill with. And, but if she hasn't had enough sleep, she's not going to be able to feel it. If she hasn't had enough quality alone time, if she hasn't had enough quality attention, like a man will try to give her something that'll make her happy, but he hasn't been present enough to connect so she's not safe right and so that that a thing isn't going to make her happy um so making sure this is this is mostly on her there are some things that men can

provide but a lot of what we need is support we need honey go to bed yeah i can't make you sleep i Don't make you eat. I can't make you sleep, but how about I put the kids to bed and you start your hour-long process to fall asleep. Yes. Bedtime bullshit. Bedtime bullshit. Bedtime bullshit. Bedtime bullshit.

Every girl's got bedtime bullshit routine. Every girl's got tons of bullshit. I know it would occur like bullshit. Bedtime bullshit. That's so funny. I think what is all this? I can tell you what it is. Is this a fucking incantation?

Are you doing some. sort of rain dance for tomorrow. I must apply the cream. I must do the thing. I have to do the dance. The sage everywhere. What the fuck is going on? Bedtime bullshit. Okay. Well, our bedtime bullshit is for the purpose of being able to fall asleep because our minds are quiet enough that they're not done in us. Dishwash is loaded, living rooms clean, etc. The, the pillows aren't crooked. Nothing. I don't disagree. I understand all. orderly home, local spatialization. I get it.

I feel like sometimes becomes gratuitous. I think that that is used as an excuse for this like superfluous. It's a deranged, I got to bow in front of the altar of the mirror five times and, you know, say Beetlejuice or whatever it is. But Tamboshin. Well, I will concur that. the way that our environments literally talk to us and get us to do bedtime bullshit is worth examining. Like, really? Is that worth doing? Well, there's certainly...

And we don't examine it. There's certainly an argument to be made around how could it be that the unfolded clothes in the laundry are causing me to not want to have sex with you as a woman? And you go, well, because I got the... there's this big open loop in the back of my mind. You go, you're kidding me. Guys are like, you're being serious? We're not having sex because the dry has not been emptied. Okay, we could spend a whole like three hours.

Let's not get derailed too much. Better bullshit. Houseful bullshit. Well, no, on sex. The difference between women, women approach sex and what they need from sex. Three hours of sex is a lot. even for me. Pardon?

I said three hours of sex is a lot even for me. That's funny. At a brother-in-last said, what do you do the other 23 and three-quarters hours? Okay, so what were we talking about? Oh, happy. Yes, happy. So if she hasn't done these things, nothing.

Nothing rings the bell over there. But the miracle is that when a woman has enough of what she needs, the way I think of it is happiness is radioactive. So teeny tiny amount. And I've proven it. Like I have had women get happy from remembering, like happy, like truly the feeling in their chest. by remembering something that made them happy. I've had them get happy by planning to do something that makes them happy.

In fact, happiness, well, it's the bull's eye. It's the most points. It's cheap if you know what to pay attention to you. Put all the energy into getting what you need. And then teeny tiny things make you really happy. We call it a moment of ecstasy when it's a big happy. And it feels like that, and the body's like, and this feeling goes out from the center,

and it goes down the arms and the legs, and we get a little happy dance. And we're like, ah, ha, it comes out of our cheeks and our eyes, and every man in the vicinity is suddenly, let's build something, let's kill something. I did that. I made it happen. Happiness has been achieved.

Yes. I conquered it briefly. Yes. Which the downside of that is one of the ways women emasculate men, is they make sure he knows it wasn't you I'm happy because of my career I'm happy because of this thing that I did

I'm happy of this this thing that somebody else did for me why can't you just be happy for me right we won't we won't go look at the victory and I couldn't have done this without you that's so interesting that's so interesting why can't you be happy for me is the same as look at how much the most important thing in my life was achieved in the absence of you?

Oh. And it's a lie. It's horseshake. Well, of course, because even the patience of that, like, let's say that it was exclusively on you. It was this thing. It's the next book. It's the next convention meeting. It's amazing and all of the things.

Well, even if I'm completely on the sidelines, I had to be. sufficiently patient to let you do it. Even if I wasn't, even if you didn't speak for a week, didn't talk for a week. Yeah. I had to put up with not talking for a week. I gave you your space. I went with that what I needed to give you your space to go be awesome. That must have been really hard.

It must have been really hard for you to put up with not speaking to me for a full week while I went away and did this thing. Thank you. Thank you. So I couldn't have done it without the space. Yeah, very interesting. Why can't you just be happy for me? Look at how much happiness I am.

deriving without you. Yes. Maybe even in spite of you. Yes. Not because of you. Yeah, what a way to make someone feel like they're not a part of your life. Yeah, so it's the opposite. Like, what's the most amount of points, and then what's the most emasculane?

Mm. We seem to have six cents for that. How to get you. Why? Well, you said before. You said before about what it is. It's very self-defeating the things that we do in relationships a lot of the time. The thing that we want is the thing that we push away when we're wanting to be cared for, to be made to feel safe, but being so independent and in masculine energy themselves without needs that they don't allow anybody to actually help them. Well, if we think about it, the source of coupling is survival. Let's hold up in a cave together, fight off the tiger, try to protect our young. The source of human relationships is not fulfillment. It's not love.

It's not satisfaction. It's not teamwork. that's that's not the source of romance the source of romance is reproduction and survival and survival into the grandchildren right it's so when we're doing what we're compelled to do which instincts are compelling like there's attention in our body and it's telling us to do whenever we follow the tension, we reward the tension, we act on the tension, we're going to do something destructive to love, to happiness, togetherness, fulfillment, we're just going to, but we'll survive. So most of my work is helping people to become aware of when they're not at choice. This is all instinct acting itself out, and most of it is primordial. It's not human.

It's not even pack and herd. Most of what are compelled by, we share with bacteria, viruses. we behaved the same way. And it's the thing I started working on about five years ago. It's like, hmm, I wonder if Chris and I'll talk about this. Most people don't want to talk about it. It's so ugly. So, oh, we've evolved beyond that.

Really? Really? Hmm. Um. It started with someone saying to me, the basis of the immune system is discerning me and not me. And my brain just glommed onto it. Fireworks like, oh, a sneeze. A sneeze is a not-me reaction from your body to eject what is not me, a cough.

is a not me. Diarrhea is a not me. Get rid of it. But we have the same reaction to another human being. Any human being, we're scanning. Are you me or not me? Oh, you're like me that way. Oh, and then we assign too much meaning. You're like me, so I'm safe and I, and you're going to be like me in other ways, and so I can trust you to do what I would do. And you're like me, like me, like me. produces this instant connection that's overestimated. Oh, you're not like me. And what's funny is women are like, you're not like me. But you're strong.

Right? Or you're not like me. I'm not safe because you don't do what I would do. Ah! Better take your power quick. Oh, right. That's interesting. Yes.

Yeah. And so women are looking for men who are like them it's very confusing because then we have no chemistry because chemistry is caused by differences men lean into oh you're not like me

you're not like me men have told me so many times I don't want to be with someone who's like me I don't need another me I want someone who's not like me But then women are trying to prove I'm as strong as you, I'm as smart as you Everything you can do, I can do better, right?

My mother danced around the kitchen singing that song after Guys and Dolls. So, if you look at human atrocities, they're all me-not-me reactions. Yeah, disgust. Just boom, boom, boom, boom. but it happens so fast, and it's usually below the surface and it, tribalism, survival. It's why we pick up accents in order to pass.

If I talk like you, you won't kill me. Some really interesting research that you might be familiar with on. Probably not. I think you might be. People are more prejudiced against those with different accents than those with different skin colors. I'm not aware, but it makes sense. Yeah. Ancestrally, the likelihood of you meeting somebody with a different skin color is very rare. The likelihood of you meeting somebody with a slightly different word for stream or river or leaf or meat.

Yes. Yes. Oh, that's pretty high. Uh, so yes, somebody walks into the room, different skin color, same accent. Ah, what's going on? This person's got a lot to do. It's interesting. One walks in, same skin color, different accent. You go, hmm, where are they from? What do they do? Yes, not me. Not me. Me is safe. Not me is not safe. Unless, and I've encountered in teaching this,

there are people who know that if you're like me, you're dangerous. Because they know they themselves are dangerous. Oh, that's interesting. You're like me. Oh, not safe. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah, it's cross-wired.

Trauma. Trauma takes hold very quickly. Listen, let's bring this one into land. It's been so much fun. and I literally could keep going for the rest of the day. I think you're delightful. I think the work that you do is fantastic, and I think that you specifically are very delightful yourself.

Where should people go? They want to learn more about this, whatever this is. I love all this. Oh, gosh. It depends on how much contact they want directly or how much information they want. cheaply YouTube

slash Allison Armstrong videos lots of information cheaply even if you're not on my I don't know if you've tried it but Allison Armstrong into YouTube and

there's literally videos back to the 90s on there you can watch the whole the aging of Alston oh wow okay yeah yeah I was like doing some archaeological research. Tons and tons and tons, millions and millions of views of things. People who started collections of my stuff before I ever knew you could do that.

Audible has the old stuff, things I recorded before 2006, but it's easily available and it's evergreen. in sync with the opposite sex is one of the most popular and I recommend it to people. Our website, Alisonramshung.com, is where there's our formal curriculum where I interact with students answer questions about 10 hours a month for people.

About four hours of that's dedicated to specific clarifications of this is what you learned and how do you apply it and very rigid about it and then we have a subscription program where no rules ask me anything I'll talk about anything

it's really fun we have hundreds and hours I mean everything I ever discovered I needed people to know they need to know this so I'd record it I did an event

just a few weeks ago called Feels Like Love looks like math it's so cool it's for my little brain it's so happy right like so what feels like love just think about what feels like love

from this person from that person what feels like love it's always going to be something that they do that they took the time to do that they remembered to do that they spent energy on doing it's something that they're going to do or say which takes time to do that too And then we explore deserving and how that thing I said before,

if I think I deserve it and you think I deserve it, we're good to go, right? No. You could think I deserve something. And I should be with someone who could give that to me. You could think I deserve something and you know that you could do it and feel guilty about not doing it. But it's not worth doing. So it takes deserving and appreciation, and then it all comes together in this thing called the worth it calculation.

And there's the pre-worth-it calculation where everything's estimated, and then there's the ongoing worth-it calculation. No, this is taking more time, effort, energy, painting my ass than I was expecting to. It's not worth it. I'm not going to keep going. There's the post-worthic calculation. It's constantly being paid attention to. Is it worth it? And it's mostly being paid attention to by men.

Because you all have an awareness of time and energy and resources, being limited, being put to use, no longer available to use, saved for use. Women, we don't so much. We're the thing that you all love about us So you mostly have a connection to the eternal We're present We're connected And in eternity

There's all the time in the world So why not fill the laundry Be one last thing yelling at me So almost everything is worth doing It just has to be a little bit worth it For a woman to do it For a man it's got to be You know

I call it winter I've got to save for winter. The ROI has to be high to be worth doing. And there's so many things that women want from men, but they don't make it worth men doing. They don't provide the appreciation that would make a stupid thing worth doing. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, so that's what I did a few weeks ago. Feels like love looks like math. And, I mean, that's my thing, is figuring out, okay, why doesn't this work? Well, what's, are you familiar with the term trim tab? No. Yep, yes? No, no, no. Are you familiar with Buckminster Fuller?

Yes, the Oudaloupe. The Oudaloupe. Most of them will say the geodesic dome. Well, he's only my heroes. And credible inventor, philosopher, humanitarian, And it's called the Einstein of our time back in the 90s. My dog's name was Buckminster. So he's the one who distinguished trimmed him.

And so let's take a ship, a relationship. Right? So you've got a huge ship and you want to change its direction. It's off course. You want to get a better course, right? So I change its direction. So you've got to move the rudder. But a huge ship, the rudder's ginormous.

It takes so much energy to move it. Well, the trim tab is on the rudder. And if you flip the trim tab, it uses the current that the ship is moving through to move the rudder to turn the direction of the ship. So that's my addiction, trim tabs. like women who want men to share more, to open up. Don't interrupt him. When he pauses, count to 30.

Most men will come in at about 18, unless you're asking about feelings, could be three days. Don't ever ask a question that isn't worth waiting for the answer. And women start waiting for the answer. And lo and behold, men start talking. which is amazing. He's opening up.

Then they have a new complaint. Well, I listened to him for an hour and a half, and then he didn't listen to me. Reciprocity. Men show appreciation by take and use. You know they appreciate the listening because they're talking. They know they appreciate the sandwich because they ate it. They know they appreciate the nakedness because they went,

Ooh. Women show appreciation by direct reciprocity. I listened to you for 27 minutes. Now you listen to me for 27 minutes. And women are profoundly aware of this. We know this. Okay, it's your turn. I've been talking this whole time now. It's your turn. It's like a little ticker going. So, yeah, so women, the men will open up and then they'll complain, but they're not listening to me. Well, that's a whole other thing, get listened to by a man. He's not going to do it in return. He's not built that way. So, anyhow, so that's what I'm addicted to if you just change this little thing. Like instead of saying, let's do it.

When a man says, let's do it, he's completely present to the value of sex. And she expects him to be instantly present to the value of sex, the wonders of it, the fun, the pleasure, the release, the peace, the connection. all that. No, she's not. He just has to spare a couple details. That's a trim tab. I'd like you to feel, I want to make you feel things you've never felt before. How soon can you be in the bedroom? Uh, let me turn off the faucet. But it's just a trim tab. Just a couple little more details where are good to go. You forget the laundry, right? So those are all the little things I'm always looking at. If you just shift that, if you don't say, Chris, we really need to take some time probably every week to talk about this issue. Why would I want to do that? Right, women don't know

issues by definition are insolvable. Honey, could you help me with a problem? What? So the hero language is all about in the Queen's Code because women avoid using the words that are the most actionable men. Okay, so your question was where? So Alisonarmstrong.com is where I get to talk to people and it's part of what we call a process of transformation which starts with

become aware of the cause of the results you don't want. Like for women, emasculating men is giving you what you don't want. Stop that. Then new information or a new point of view. What if there's a good reason for everything men do? What if no one's misbehaving? What there's a good reason for everything you do? So a new point of view.

Then there's making sure the new information and the new point of view exists in empowering context. This is why the Queen's Code is the way that it is. so women can't just glean the information out and use it against men. It's a, I call it a fairy trap. The story, that everything about it is just to just bring you in and transform me out is the point of that book to transform the way women relate to men. Now I love it transforming the way men relate to themselves, finding out the good reason you have to do things.

And then the last part is a new good habit. So an empowering context is a new good habit. it. So I spend all this time talking to my students to make sure that they've got the new information. They really get it. It's clear to them. And it's in an empowering context, which for me is the context of partnership. It's my passion, it's a partnership. And then that they have the awareness, which causes, we have to celebrate noticing when we effed up. Oh, shoot, I emasculated him yesterday. I noticed.

I noticed I'm aware of it. Thank you, brain, thank you, brain. We have a thing called the notice dance. It's funny how many times you lose your pen. I like to play with it. It's over that now. Ticket, ticker, ticker, then it flies. Anything over it.

Then you get it. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so YouTube website. Allison Meshung.com. Alison, I really appreciate you. Thank you. I appreciate you. I love what you're up to. I totally love what you're up to. It's very exciting to me. Thank you. Welcome.

Until next time. I'd like it next time. It'd be fun. If you are looking for new reading suggestions, look no further than the Modern Wisdom Reading List. It is 100 books that you should read before you die. The most interesting, life-changing and impactful books I've ever read with descriptions about why I like. them and links to go and buy them. And you can get it right now for free by going to Chriswillex.com slash books. That's chriswillx.com slash books.